Russell Priestley

Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business

Hostess Brands, the manufacturer of such iconic products as Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Wonder Bread, announced that it would shut its doors permanently and liquidate its assets. What do you think?

I had always assumed that no matter how hard a beating it took, Hostess would effortlessly spring back.


Jay Grunke

Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business

You forgot about Donettes. Everyone always forgets about Donettes.


Margie Wynkoop

Hostess Brands Going Out Of Business

This is your kingdom now, Little Debbie. Rule with mercy.


Christian Cort

Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel

In retaliation for Israel's threat to cut off Internet access in Gaza, the shadowy hacker collective Anonymous launched attacks on 700 Israeli websites, downing many and replacing the home pages of others with pro-Palestinian messages. What do you think?

If anything can end a generations-old conflict over the Holy Land, it's minor inconveniences.


Jonathan Colavitti

Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel

If I were Anonymous, I'd want to get some recognition.


Grace Bechtold

Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel

Shit, are we going to have to buy them a new Internet?


Janet Walsh

Brazilian Scientists To Clone Endangered Species

Scientists in Brazil announced their intention to clone eight native species, including the jaguar, the bush dog, and varieties of bison and deer, as part of an effort to help save the endangered animals from extinction. What do you think?

Whoa, that could actually be a cool idea for a movie. Imagine—an entire island filled with deer.


Arjun Amit

Well, they better hurry, because I'm killing the next bush dog I see.


Frances Ritmanis

Have we learned nothing from the hairy predicaments of cloning detailed in Multiplicity?


Townsend Eddings

Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut

Marketed to adults, Cracker Jack'd Power Bites—a spin-off of the classic snack—will be sold in 2-ounce packages that contain as much caffeine as two cans of cola, prompting consumer groups to warn of safety risks, particularly for children. What do you think?

Finally, a Cracker Jack adults like me can eat without fear of embarrassment.


Tommy Chun

Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut

Great. You have no idea how much regular Cracker Jack it takes to get the amount of caffeine that's in two cans of soda.


Kathleen Knowlton

Caffeinated Cracker Jacks To Debut

My kids will not be allowed near those things. Unless they start whining, because I can't stand that.


Naomi Larsen

Greenhouse Gas Levels Reach All-Time High

Last year, according to the World Meteorological Organization, atmospheric concentrations of greenhouse gases—including carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide—rose to their highest levels ever recorded. What do you think?

I heard we can fix this if we just agree to reuse our hotel towels.


Anderson Sidley

Before everyone freaks out, let's give it a few decades and see if it gets better on its own.


Harvey Rogers

That's not true. See? It's easy to have this not be a problem anymore.


Paige Hauser

Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal

Kevin Clash, who served for 28 years as the puppeteer and voice of the popular Sesame Street character Elmo, resigned yesterday amid allegations that he engaged in sexual relationships with two teenage boys. What do you think?

Are they going to actually do something or just transfer him to another puppet?


Shin Jae Suk

Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal

This is going to be a tough one to explain to my two-year-old, but here goes.


Wayne Fucile

Elmo Puppeteer Resigns Amid Sex Scandal

Jeff Dunham would never, never do something like this.


Dave Wilzbach

Apes Suffer Midlife Crises

A study of more than 500 captive apes found the primates experienced a decrease in happiness from the end of their childhoods until middle age, at which point their overall mood appeared to steadily improve, mirroring the pattern seen in humans. What do you think?

I always look at apes on TV and think, 'They really are just like Terry from work.'


Rosanna Amaro

Apes Suffer Midlife Crises

Well, the kids move out once their genitals swell up and turn red, and then you start thinking to yourself, 'Will I never achieve anything beyond rudimentary tool use and throwing feces?'


Gary Henley

Apes Suffer Midlife Crises

Interesting, but what do apes have to do with us?


Ralph Sackett

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Citizens throughout the United States are celebrating Thanksgiving at home with family. What are you thankful for this year?


Ron Kuenster

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Same as every year: good old Speed Stick Regular.


Marci Montalbano

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving


Carol Zielinski

Thanksgiving Weekend Draws Record Number Of Shoppers

With many Black Friday sales beginning earlier this year—including several that started on Thanksgiving night—stores and online retailers together lured a record 247 million shoppers this weekend and took in more than $59 billion. What do you think?

Shame on retailers for allowing us to behave like such animals.


Adam Puranaphun

It's nice to see our nation getting back into excessive consumer debt.


Tom Yuan

As a budget-minded consumer who enjoys rubbing up against people, it was a great day all around.


Gillian Cuzzort

UN: HIV Infections Down Sharply

According to the United Nations, there were 700,000 fewer new cases of HIV last year than in 2001, with 25 low- and middle-income countries reporting 50- to 73-percent reductions in new infections. What do you think?


Alan Bonar

UN: HIV Infections Down Sharply

Sounds like my upcoming trip to Zambia just got a little more freewheeling!


Peter Gentle

UN: HIV Infections Down Sharply


Patrick Voorheis

Palestinian Leader Arafat Exhumed

Following an investigation that found polonium-210, a lethal chemical, on articles of his clothing, the body of longtime Palestinian nationalist leader Yasser Arafat, who died in 2004, was exhumed today to determine whether he was poisoned. What do you think?

But who would want to kill Yasser Arafat?


Kendra Rojas

Palestinian Leader Arafat Exhumed

How do we know his clothes didn't just come like that, like those jeans that come ripped?


Stefan Remmel

Palestinian Leader Arafat Exhumed

If their hunch is correct, they need to administer the antidote ASAP.


Nikki O'Leary

Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low

The overall number and rate of abortions in the United States fell 5 percent from 2008 to 2009, the biggest drop in at least a decade, according to the most recent data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What do you think?


Mike Stocks

Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low

No shit. Who wants to have sex with all these fat people?


Doug Saratan

Abortions In U.S. Fall To Decade Low

Thanks! This is exactly the kind of interesting conversation starter I needed tonight for my big dinner with my boss and his wife.


Craig Storr

GOP Lawmakers May Break Anti-Tax Pledge

In order to reach a bipartisan deal to prevent the nation from going over the fiscal cliff, several top Republicans have stated they would defy their vow to oppose any and all tax revenue increases, a pledge advocated by anti-tax activist Grover Norquist. What do you think?

Is a politician's word no longer sacred?


Bret Zorman

GOP Lawmakers May Break Anti-Tax Pledge

It's sad to see congressmen put politics ahead of some pledge they made to a strange man.


Libby Roose

GOP Lawmakers May Break Anti-Tax Pledge

Really? I thought we were done with all that bipartisan nonsense.


Dan Kitson

Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

Strong sales of Powerball tickets have been reported across the United States ahead of tonight's drawing, as the multistate lottery game's jackpot has swelled to a record half billion dollars. What do you think?

I'll stick with Pick 3. These six-number games confuse the hell out of me.


Vicky Bifano

Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

Yeah, but when you go for the lump sum, it's only about 200 bucks.


Graham Dolby

Powerball Jackpot Reaches $550 Million

Word on the street is that a five may be drawn. Don't tell nobody.


Keith Klempner

Consumer Confidence Highest Since 2008

Confidence among U.S. consumers has risen this month to its highest level in nearly five years. What do you think?

An economic index I don't understand is going up? Yay!


Valerie Reitzas

Consumer Confidence Highest Since 2008


Noah Keroshetz

Consumer Confidence Highest Since 2008

After I lost my confidence to consume back in '08, I didn't think I'd ever have the courage to blow two month's pay on a vintage Stratocaster, but here I am with this sexy axe.


Linda Keagle

Romney Has Lunch At White House

In his first meeting with Mitt Romney since winning reelection, President Barack Obama hosted his former political rival for lunch at the White House today to discuss ways to improve the federal government. What do you think?

Doesn't Obama have more important people to pretend to listen to for political theater?


Myron Eldridge

Romney Has Lunch At White House

This would be the perfect opportunity for them to use any zingers they forgot to blast each other with during the campaign.


Frank Honicky

Romney Has Lunch At White House

Oh, man, I'd love to be a fly on that wall. But only for the lunch, and then I'd like to be transformed back into a human.


James Pless

Colossal Supermassive Black Hole Discovered

Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Astronomy in Germany announced the discovery of the biggest black hole ever recorded, a mammoth ultradense celestial body that is 17 billion times the mass of our sun. What do you think?

Great, now I won't be able to sleep at night knowing that thing is out there.


Bruce Kennedy

Shoot, I guess that means the Germans get to colonize it first.


Kathy Halland

I don't care if it's the biggest black hole. I just want to know if it's the best black hole.


Al Schreiber

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a non-member observer state, moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?

Congratulations on now having the same power and global influence as Vatican City!


Sallie Sjoquist

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

I don't think the U.N. should be meddling with the exact sort of thing the U.N. was created to meddle with.


Ira Bywater

U.N. Votes To Recognize Palestine

Don't worry. Israel can't stay mad forever.


Dinah Adler

Dr. Dre Highest-Paid Musician Of 2012

According to Forbes magazine, longtime hip-hop artist and producer Dr. Dre was the highest-paid musician of 2012 with earnings of $100 million, which stemmed largely from his successful Beats by Dre headphones business. What do you think?

Wow! The Beats by Dre guy is a musician, too?


Brian Teller

Dr. Dre Highest-Paid Musician Of 2012

He should write a song about how much money he has.


Gustavo Vanzo

Dr. Dre Highest-Paid Musician Of 2012

Those headphones are a total scam. Did you know you have to buy your own music if you want to listen to anything on them?


Burt Shankey

Pope Joins Twitter

The Vatican unveiled Pope Benedict XVI's personal Twitter account today, @pontifex, and stated that the Catholic leader would begin tweeting in eight languages on Dec. 12. What do you think?

I hope he tweets out a lot of photos of his pope hat.


Judith Pomeroy

Pope Joins Twitter

I bet he just wants to exercise more control over American nuns' hashtags.


Daryl Raikes

Pope Joins Twitter

Wait, if that's the pope, who the hell is @PopeMan82?


Loni Carpendale

The Text Message Turns 20

Twenty years ago yesterday, London-based software engineer Neil Papworth sent the world's first text message, Merry Christmas, to a telecommunications executive at a party across town. What do you think?

For me, text messages will never even begin to approach the sexy anticipation of the fax.


Ken Blitz

The Text Message Turns 20

Oh, cool. What texts have people sent since then?


Godfrey Agnew

The Text Message Turns 20

I can't even imagine what people did at parties before texting.


Candy Lynch

Kim Kardashian Appearance Protested In Bahrain

Appearing in Bahrain to promote a new milkshake franchise called Millions of Milkshakes, celebrity socialite Kim Kardashian reportedly drew thousands of fans as well as at least 50 Islamist protesters, who the police repelled with tear gas. What do you think?

How is that possible when everyone knows it's Khloé who's the real bitch?


Charles Heinz

That's pretty ungrateful for a community that just got a new milkshake franchise.


Vic Gaynor

Well, whether you love her or hate her, there's something wrong with you.


Dick Ives

Poll: Majority Would Back Hillary Clinton In 2016

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would garner the support of 57 percent of Americans—66 percent of women and 49 percent of men—if she chose to run for president in 2016, according to a new poll. What do you think?

I don't know—do you think she really wants the job?


Morris Woodlock

Women are too emotional for the job. She'd probably pardon, like, every single turkey at Thanksgiving.


Lisa Strickland

So it's decided, then: Hilary Clinton and Marco Rubio for the presidential nominees. That cut out a lot of needless work. Okay, see you in 2016!


Jay Kellener

Flu Season Arrives Month Early

Citing an uptick in influenza reports in the Southeast and Texas, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned that flu season has arrived a month earlier than usual and noted that this year's strain could be particularly troublesome for the elderly. What do you think?

I'm not worried. I got a flu shot one year.


Cyndi Strouse

Flu Season Arrives Month Early

Every year flu season seems to just get longer and more commercialized.


T. Daniel Bronskill

Flu Season Arrives Month Early

Stay out of Texas and avoid the elderly. Done and done.


Ralph Roth

NASA To Send New Rover To Mars In 2020

Following the success of its Curiosity rover, which has made key discoveries about the past existence of liquid water on the surface of Mars, NASA announced its intention to send another large rover to the Red Planet in the year 2020. What do you think?

Ha, ha, ha! Like NASA is going to be around in 2020.


Olga Swan

NASA To Send New Rover To Mars In 2020

That's stupid. Can't NASA think of any other planets?


Thad Slevin

NASA To Send New Rover To Mars In 2020

Wow, what an amazing idea. Have they considered sending a third one after that?


Mary Jo Vanatte

Apple To Assemble Some Computers In U.S.

Having manufactured its products in Asia since the late 1990s, tech giant Apple announced this week that it would return production of some of its Mac computers to the United States in 2013. What do you think?

But Americans have such clumsy sausage-fingers.


Dean Scannell

As long as those factories exploit workers, I don't care where my things are made.


Roy Kang

That's going to require Apple to raise prices, and there's no way its customers will stand for that.


Alicia Garcia

Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores

The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks announced plans to open 3,000 new stores in North and South America over the next five years, with half to be located in the United States. What do you think?


Barry Rivard

Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores

I was just thinking how this country could use a few thousand more public bathrooms.


James O'Shea

Starbucks Opening 3,000 New Stores

Just out of curiosity, will they be consulting with any existing Starbucks stores regarding their lists of banned customers?


Rolando Galiana

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect. What do you think?

That's why at midnight I scooted over the border to Idaho, where things still make some sense.


Gillian Manifold

A lot of people's lives in that state just got a whole lot better. Makes me sick.


Brett Pike

It's historic, but if you know your state math, Arizona always cancels out Washington.


Jeremy Stankiewicz

China To Be Biggest Economy By 2030

According to an analysis by U.S. intelligence agencies, China will have surpassed the United States to become the world's largest economy by 2030. What do you think?


Ruben Pierson

China To Be Biggest Economy By 2030

If only we'd elected Romney, this would never have happened.


Mara McEveety

China To Be Biggest Economy By 2030

Then we have no choice but to make sure 2030 never happens.


Dan Udy

Coffee May Prolong Life

Recent studies have showed that coffee drinkers are likely to live longer than non-coffee-drinkers, regardless of whether their beverage of choice is regular or decaf. What do you think?

Yeah, but coffee drinkers are also more alert and productive, so there's a trade-off.


Fiona Stein

Coffee May Prolong Life

The study neglected to mention that hazelnut blend will make the last few years of your life unbearable.


Lou Kovacs

Coffee May Prolong Life

I'm so sick of scientists telling us that everything we thought was bad for us is actually good for us. Isn't there any way to destroy your body anymore?


Greg Gowdy

Iran Debuts State-Run YouTube Substitute

With YouTube banned there since the disputed election of 2009, Iran recently launched its own video-sharing website called Mehr (the Farsi word for affection), which only shows government-approved video clips. What do you think?

Anything will be better than the huge disappointment that is Iranian Pornhub.


Gina Breedlove

Wow, I can't believe the domain 'Mehr.ir' was still available.


Kenny Hussman

You know, it would probably be a good thing if our government banned YouTube, too.


Zachary Boyum

Union Supporters Throng Michigan Capitol

In what may be the largest demonstration ever held at the Michigan Capitol, labor supporters protested the Republican-controlled legislature's passage of a right-to-work bill, which would bar mandatory union enrollment in a state famous for its auto factories. What do you think?

Why don't these people quit their whining and get back to work looking for a job?


Cy Minor

Reminds me of the '60s all over again, what with everyone protesting things I don't understand.


Beth Prescott

I hope Michael Moore remembers to layer up. It's cold out.


Livia Gimpel

North Korea Launches Long-Range Missile

Though the rocket fired by North Korea this morning appears only to have placed a satellite in orbit, many experts believe the country's primary intent was to test its ability to launch an intercontinental ballistic missile that could one day carry a nuclear warhead. What do you think?

I'd be really worried if I didn't know we have even further economic sanctions up our sleeve.


Jin-ho Choi

North Korea Launches Long-Range Missile

As a Pyongyang resident, I am obligated to say I am engulfed with happiness and endlessly inspired.


Roberto Sierra

North Korea Launches Long-Range Missile

Hmm, have we considered doing nothing for 60 years and seeing where it leads us?


Gabriela Scadato

Scientist Names Ancient Lizard After Obama

In honor of President Barack Obama, a Yale University scientist has bestowed the name Obamadon gracilis on a species of ancient lizard that was less than a foot in length and went extinct around the same time as the dinosaurs. What do you think?

To think it was only a couple months ago that we were all wondering, 'Who will win this election so that we can finally name that lizard?'


Sully Jaggars

And still not so much as an iguana named after Chuck Schumer. Disgraceful.


Charlie Panagos

Yeah, I thought about naming my cat Obama, but he just looked more like a 'Puff,' you know?


Daisuke Koyama

Plot To Murder Justin Bieber Foiled

Two men have been accused of planning to capture teen pop sensation Justin Bieber at a recent concert, strangle him to death with a paisley tie, and possibly castrate him, a plot allegedly masterminded by a 45-year-old jailed New Mexico rapist and murderer with a tattoo of Bieber on his leg. What do you think?


Kay Rifkin

Plot To Murder Justin Bieber Foiled

Yeah, I felt the same way after Bieber changed his hairstyle, but you know what? I think I've grown to like the new hairstyle even more than the original.


Tobias Hightower

Plot To Murder Justin Bieber Foiled


Marybeth McMurry

Inscription On MLK Memorial To Be Removed

The government will remove the paraphrased quotation I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness from Washington's Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial after many complained the out-of-context words made the civil rights leader sound arrogant. What do you think?

This would never have happened to a statue of a white guy.


Ryan Charbonneau

If King didn't want his words to be taken out of context, he never should have said them in the first place.


Clayton Wynands

If nobody wants to take credit for the old quote, you can feel free to attribute it to me.


Marty Gibbs

'Whitney Houston' Top Google Search Of 2012

According to Google, the world's top trending search topic of 2012 was Whitney Houston, the famed American vocalist who died in February. What do you think?

Wasn't me. I already know all there is to know about Whitney Houston.


Renee Snopel

Happen to know offhand how 'lawn mower repair Muncie Indiana' ranked? Or 'Q-tip eardrum damage'?


Tim DeWolf

I'm sure Whitney is somewhere up above tracking the top trending Google search results and smiling.


Jason Zink

No 'Fiscal Cliff' Deal In Sight

With time running out before the Jan. 1 deadline, President Barack Obama and House Majority Leader John Boehner appear no closer to reaching a deal to avert the fiscal cliff, which many economists fear could plunge the nation back into recession. What do you think?

Good thing Jan. 1 is a holiday. Government stuff can't happen on a holiday.


Dorothea Rizzo

No 'Fiscal Cliff' Deal In Sight

I have a huge jar of change right now, so I'm not too worried about it.


Howard Gehr

No 'Fiscal Cliff' Deal In Sight

Sometimes in situations like this it helps to just flip a coin.


Ben Wong

2012 In Politics

This year saw the Supreme Court upholding the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Barack Obama winning reelection, and the nation threatening to go over the fiscal cliff. What do you think was the biggest political story of 2012?

It has to be George H.W. Bush's death next week.


Leslie Ettings

2012 In Politics

Rick Santorum. Long after the Republican primaries and the election, he just keeps captivating the American people!


Mick Phelan

2012 In Politics

Definitely voter suppression efforts at the polls. They wouldn't let me vote just because I didn't know my zip code or the correct spelling of my last name.


Conor Keely

People With Children Live Longer

According to a study by Danish researchers, men and women who do not have children are at increased risk of dying early when compared to those who have kids. What do you think?

Do they have to be my own children or will any old kid I find work?


Janette Leganger

People With Children Live Longer

I was just wondering why my parents were still alive.


Arnie Hammerstrom

People With Children Live Longer

So how many more cigarettes can I smoke every year per kid?


Bob Zondag

2012 In The Economy

Economic indicators improved marginally during the year, with the unemployment rate falling slightly and housing prices finally starting to rebound, but the recovery from the Great Recession remained far from robust. How did 2012's lackluster economy affect you?

I try not to let stuff like macroeconomics affect me.


Gerard Atkinson

2012 In The Economy

I've noticed the empty cans and bottles I collect for a living are increasingly off-brand.


Yvonne Duda

2012 In The Economy

I had to make a lot of tough business decisions since nobody on my staff voted the way I told them to.


Garret Gurry

2012 In International News

This year witnessed ongoing bloodshed in Syria, massive blackouts that cut power to more than half a billion in India, and the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth II's reign. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?

Well, my coworker got married in Italy a few weeks ago and she won't shut up about it, so that must have been pretty important.


Aidan Mackle

2012 In International News

Ugh, I have no idea. I've been putting off reading this one article from Feb. 17, 2003 that I started, and I don't want to skip ahead until I've finished it.


Annette Fox

2012 In International News

I'd have to say all that pussy talk coming out of Russia. Pussy, pussy, pussy!


Emmet Bartnof

2012 In Entertainment

This year the TV show Homeland earned critical praise, Canadian pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen dominated the airwaves, and The Avengers became the third-highest-grossing movie of all time. What do you think was the top entertainment industry story of 2012?

I'm not as up to date with that whole Chris Brown and Rihanna thing, but it sounds like they make a really cute couple.


Denis Barsi

2012 In Entertainment

I'm surprised Michael Jackson's still dead. You know how much dough he could make with a comeback tour?


Hope Tayback

2012 In Entertainment


Tamara Farrar

2012 In Technology

The debut of the iPhone 5, the landing of NASA's Curiosity rover on the surface of Mars, and the discovery of what is likely the Higgs boson were all major events this year. What do you think was the greatest advancement in technology in 2012?

Yeah, the Higgs boson is getting a lot of attention, but there are a lot of lower-profile bosons that are worth checking out if you get the chance.


Paddy Quinn

2012 In Technology

Sure, the Mars landing was impressive, but there have been a lot more ads for the iPad Mini, so I'm going to have to go with that.


Jose Oliva

2012 In Technology

They finally got a new Keno machine at Bucky's.


Leo Nagle

'Downton Abbey' Returns To U.S. TV

The third season of the popular British period drama Downton Abbey made its U.S. premiere last night on PBS, prompting many fans to throw early-1900s-themed viewing parties. What do you think?

My party went all-out: elaborate hats, British accents, and absolutely no TV.


Mickey Bartus

'Downton Abbey' Returns To U.S. TV

It's great! I hear this is going to be the driest, subtlest season yet!


Laurie Steele

'Downton Abbey' Returns To U.S. TV

I watch the show for Laura Linney's intro, and that's it.


John Waterbury

David Bowie Releases First New Music In 10 Years

In a surprise online release on his 66th birthday, innovative British musician David Bowie made public his first new song in almost a decade today, a track titled Where Are We Now? that will be featured on his forthcoming studio album The Next Day. What do you think?

Leave it to David Bowie to do something revolutionary like release his music on the Internet.


Kristin Dozier

Oh, man. Not making music for 10 years and then releasing a song on your 66th birthday is so Bowie.


Donald Okumoto

I'm going to withhold judgment until the most repulsive people on earth leave comments about it on music and news blogs.


Isabel Benitez

NASA Selling Space Shuttle Facilities

Following the termination of its space shuttle program, NASA is seeking to sell or lease many of its facilities in Cape Canaveral, FL, including hangars, a nearly three-mile landing strip, and the shuttle launchpad. What do you think?

This is the perfect gift for the person who has everything, including a space shuttle.


Mike Cusack

NASA Selling Space Shuttle Facilities

Is this for real? Because I don't want to get burned like that time I tried to buy a spaceship hangar off of Craigslist.


Curtis Slade

NASA Selling Space Shuttle Facilities

Can the facilities fit my queen-sized bed? I won't consider it unless it can fit my queen-sized bed. I love that bed.


Teddy Schiarelli

Milky Way May Contain 17 Billion Earth-Size Planets

Using data from NASA's Kepler spacecraft, two independent teams of astronomers have estimated that the Milky Way galaxy contains some 17 billion planets that are similar in size to Earth. What do you think?

Are they sure they're not double-counting Earth?


Rupert Avalon

Cool. We should set up some sort of well-funded federal space program to go explore some of them.


Susanne Fox

Okay, I'll check them out as soon as I finally hit every state here in the U.S., but I've still got about 13 to go.


Marcy Stoklos

2012 Hottest Year Ever In U.S.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2012 was the hottest year ever recorded in the nation's lower 48 states, a full degree Fahrenheit warmer than the previous high, set in 1998, and 3.3 degrees above the 20th-century average. What do you think?

This is just another desperate 'Look at me!' from those National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration attention whores.


Jimmy Littleworth

2012 Hottest Year Ever In U.S.

So what? The earth has gone through major temperature changes before with only minor mass extinctions.


Russell Cole

2012 Hottest Year Ever In U.S.

It's weird that it coincided with the hottest year on record for Hot 105.5, the Twin Cities' home for the hottest in today's hip-hop.


Albert Gianette

White House, NRA Meet To Discuss Guns

A White House task force headed by Vice President Joe Biden is meeting today with a top representative of the National Rifle Association to discuss policies aimed at reducing gun violence. What do you think?

I'm glad to hear the NRA is finally getting the opportunity to present its ideas to the government.


Malcolm Anaya

White House, NRA Meet To Discuss Guns

Why are they discussing gun control when even the bumper-sticker industry has concluded that guns don't kill people?


Jan Rosenthal

White House, NRA Meet To Discuss Guns

I hope they seriously consider either mental-health checks or not doing anything.


Carie Lerner

Worst Flu Season In A Decade

With cities reporting as many as 10 times the number of cases as last year and a dwindling number of hospital beds, authorities have warned that this year's flu season will be the worst in a decade, and that it has yet to reach its peak. What do you think?

The flu! It's perfect! I'll tell Terry I have the flu!


Hoyt Beddor

Worst Flu Season In A Decade

Elderly people are especially prone to contracting the virus, so hopefully they spend the rest of the winter holed up alone in their old, empty apartments, devoid of human contact and staring silently out into the cold.


Bud Yeatman

Worst Flu Season In A Decade

Maybe if I start vomiting and sweating now I can fool the viruses into thinking I'm already one of theirs.


Kent Lipschultz

'Lincoln' Leads With 12 Oscar Nominations

The Steven Spielberg film Lincoln led the pack this year with 12 Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Actor for Daniel Day-Lewis. What do you think?

Well, I'll wait and see if it wins all 12 before I commit to watching.


Hank Durst

I'm not sure. The fact that I haven't seen or even heard of Amour means it probably has the best chance of winning.


Sandy Hooper

I've stopped paying attention since Agnes Moorehead was snubbed for Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte in 1964.


Desiree Bosco

'Argo' Wins Best Picture At Golden Globes

The political thriller Argo, directed by Ben Affleck and based on a chapter in the 1979 Iran hostage crisis, took home the Golden Globe for the best dramatic film last night. What do you think?

Those idiots will vote for anything about the 1979 Iran hostage crisis.


Jacques Colombier

I don't watch the Golden Globes. They're so frivolous and stupid compared to the grandeur and significance of other awards shows.


Vic Van Dreelen

Why does this cruel world keep reminding me that it's possible to win something?


Wally Strom

Diet Soda Linked To Depression

A new study has found a link between clinical depression and the frequent consumption of sweetened fruit drinks, soft drinks, and iced tea, with diet products in particular being associated with higher incidences of the mood disorder. What do you think?

Listen, please just tell me what I have to drink to get my life back on track.


Debby Balsam

Diet Soda Linked To Depression

This doesn't make sense. How could fruit punch or iced tea make you sad when they have all those pictures of suns on the bottle?


Julio Moreno

Diet Soda Linked To Depression

Ooh, is there a drink associated with being tall?


Georgina Stader

Python Hunting Contest Opens In Everglades

In an effort to control the Everglades' population of invasive Burmese Pythons, which can grow to 20 feet long, Florida officials opened a month-long hunting contest in which professional and amateur snake hunters will compete for cash prizes based on the number of snakes they kill. What do you think?

I hope they don't kill any of the cute little 10-foot pythons.


Gil Sabine

What a thrill for amateur snake hunters to be standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the pros of snake hunting!


Herman Gould

I predict this will end badly for someone. Most likely someone who puts a lot of time and effort into this contest and comes up short by a few snakes.


Geno Browning

New York Passes Gun Control Bill

New York state lawmakers passed a bill today tightening restrictions on the sale of assault weapons, forcing current owners of such guns to register them with the state, and limiting the ability of the mentally ill to obtain firearms, making the state's gun laws the most restrictive in the nation. What do you think?

See how much political change is possible with just a few dozen unspeakable tragedies?


Harriet Lombardo

New York Passes Gun Control Bill

So up until now, we were selling assault rifles to the mentally ill?


Jim Metzman

New York Passes Gun Control Bill

I miss Old New York, where a guy could kick back at the bar with a cigarette, a 32-ounce soda, and his assault rifle.


Patrick Omilami

Clarence Thomas Breaks 7-Year Silence In Court

Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, who hadn't said anything from the bench since February 2006, was recorded uttering the barely decipherable words Well, he did not… Monday, which was apparently part of a joke made at the expense of a lawyer. What do you think?

He reminds me of myself in that way. I'm always the guy who doesn't say much, but when I do, people have no idea what I'm talking about.


Curt Plavin

It looks like winter's going to be extra long this year.


Rory Sandwich

Facebook Introduces New Search Feature

Positioning itself as a potential rival to LinkedIn and online dating sites, Facebook introduced its new Graph Search yesterday, a feature that allows users to search people, pictures, and interests on the social network using a variety of filters. What do you think?

Wait. Other people on Facebook can see me?


Martha Tuttle

Facebook Introduces New Search Feature

Wow, the name alone is exciting—Graph Search!


Ray Cowles

Facebook Introduces New Search Feature

But let's say I want to see some tits. Then what?


Chuck Graham

Obama Pushing Broad Gun Control Measures

President Obama vowed yesterday to introduce legislation that would require background checks for all gun buyers, ban assault weapons, and limit magazines to 10 rounds, marking the most wide-reaching push for gun control in a generation. What do you think?

That's great! But there should still be a loophole so I can get whatever I want.


Domingo Repola

I'm sorry, but Obama's decision to revive an assault weapons ban that already existed is far too radical.


Colette DeTitta

But I can still shoot 10 things without reloading, right?


Louis Vadas

Coca-Cola Debuts Anti-Obesity Commercial

Coca-Cola debuted a two-minute TV commercial this week that highlights the company's line of low-calorie beverages, touts its commitment to provide sugar-free drink options in schools, and encourages viewers to eat healthy and exercise to combat the nation's obesity epidemic. What do you think?

I'm concerned that young people will see these media messages today and end up missing vital opportunities for refreshment.


Ronald Wolffe

Are you freaking kidding me? Who has time for a two-minute commercial?


Anna Tremont

Hear that, fatties? Even Coke's sick of you being fat.


Manny Stanford

Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea

A new study found that transplanting feces from a healthy person, typically a relative, into the colon of someone suffering diarrhea due to an infection of the Clostridium difficile bacteria proved markedly more effective at curing the ailment than antibiotics. What do you think?


Ellen Edemann

Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea

Oh, no! I've just been flushing mine this whole time. What a terrible waste.


Lyndell Thirlwell

Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea

Did Jerry put you up to this? Because he's been trying to trick me into putting his shit in my ass for months.


Sherryl Parmelee

FAA Grounds Problem-Prone Boeing Dreamliners

Following reports that Boeing 787 aircraft have suffered fuel leaks, battery fires, and a cracked windshield, the Federal Aviation Administration grounded all the Dreamliners in the U.S., and airlines around the world have followed suit. What do you think?


Clayton Sanchez

It's a shame they don't get that the so-called defects are Boeing's deeper statement about the fragile nature of dreams and aircraft.


Carlos Dixon

Why are they doing this? If they just let Sully fly those planes everything would be fine.


Allegra Candy

Atari Files For Bankruptcy

The U.S. operations of the pioneering video game company Atari, famed for creating such classics as Asteroids, Missile Command, and Pong, filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. What do you think?

The problem is that kids these days don't know the joy of watching a bar move across a screen.


Bruce Deakins

Atari Files For Bankruptcy

This makes me want to dust off my old 2600, grab some of my favorite games, and just spend all afternoon trying to sell them online.


Kenny Hansen

Atari Files For Bankruptcy

Their classic games just need a modern makeover. Like in Pong, that little bouncing ball could be a bullet, and the paddles could be people's faces being blown apart.


Ruth Hitchcock

Obama Inaugurated

While Barack Obama officially took the presidential oath of office yesterday in a private ceremony, a public swearing in will occur on the Capitol steps today, followed by two inaugural balls and performances by the likes of Beyoncé and James Taylor. What do you think?

It's good they keep the real ceremony private. I don't think the general public could handle seeing the president drinking all that blood from George Washington's skull.


Leslie Ferrara

Obama Inaugurated

It's absolutely ridiculous that there's even one inaugural ball given that the Benghazi matter is still very much under investigation.


Art Orloff

Obama Inaugurated

Nothing says presidential like some 'Fire and Rain.'


Ray Lim

Obama Calls For Climate Change Action

President Barack Obama surprised many in his inaugural address yesterday by singling out the threat of global warming and vowing to make the fight against climate change a top priority in his second term. What do you think?

Oh man, it's a good thing no Republicans were watching.


Nick Corso

Obama Calls For Climate Change Action

Saying that climate change must be addressed is one thing. Half-heartedly attempting to pass watered-down legislation on the issue is another.


Leslie Ferrara

Obama Calls For Climate Change Action

This is just another distraction from finding out what really happened at Benghazi!


Jorge Ortega

TSA Removing Nude Body Scanners From Airports

The Transportation Security Administration will remove all backscatter scanners from U.S. airports following years of complaints from air passengers and privacy rights organizations about the virtually nude images the machines produce. What do you think?


Maggie Maren

And with that, air travel is now completely free of anything tedious, demeaning, or uncomfortable.


Ron Gordean

I'm willing to let TSA agents rely on their instincts and just imagine what I'm working with down there.


Charles Baum

Hillary Clinton Testifies On Benghazi Attack

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton testified before Congress today about last year's attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya that left Ambassador Chris Stevens and several others dead, an assault that many Republicans contend was intentionally covered up. What do you think?

If there's such a big cover-up, how come I've heard of this?


Harley Casper

Hillary Clinton must be held accountable if there is to be justice for Chris Stevens and those other two or three guys.


Robin Shouse

Clinton just needs to be straight with the American people and tell us exactly what happened. Unless they really screwed up—then it'd probably be best if she just made something up.


Silvio Mazzotti

Radiation Blast May Have Hit Earth In Middle Ages

A new report posits that the collision of two black holes or neutron stars may have produced a gamma ray burst that hit Earth in the 8th century, generating a variety of chemical isotopes that can be found in ancient tree rings and ice cores. What do you think?


Penney Scott

I've always wondered where all these isotopes came from.


Don Gallardo

Wow, tree rings just keep getting more and more interesting.


Thomas Dockstader

Pentagon Allows Women To Serve On Front Lines

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta announced today the removal of a 1994 Pentagon rule that banned women from officially serving on the front lines. What do you think?

Oh, man. I can't wait to see the look on an insurgent's face when a soldier removes their helmet to reveal long, flowing blonde hair.


Rocky LaPoint

In fairness, women were kinda shit back in 1994.


Xavier Pennington

Would it have killed them to let us enjoy the whole gay thing a little longer?


Ty Cangemi

Nepal Issues IDs With 'Third Gender' Option

In what is being hailed as a major victory for transgender activists, the Himalayan nation of Nepal began issuing citizenship certificates that allow the holder to select the option third gender if they do not identify as male or female. What do you think?

Now where am I supposed to go on vacation? Nepal was my go-to destination for gender certainty.


Bobbi Dee Wischnack

Sure, this is great for men, women, and the third-gendered, but when will we humanimals finally get the recognition we deserve?


John-Clay Wilhoit

Now I'm even further from an answer about that Sherpa I traveled with last year.


Elmer Youngreen

McDonald's To Offer New Fish McBites

McDonald's announced the upcoming launch of Fish McBites, roughly McNugget-sized fried fish pieces that are made from the same substance as the company's Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. What do you think?

Yeah, I know what a McBite is. I'm not an idiot.


Roxanne Boldroff

McDonald's To Offer New Fish McBites

Frankly, I think it's unnatural to mold fish meat slurry into something other than a rectangle.


Dino Borthwick

McDonald's To Offer New Fish McBites


Doreen Neff

North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon

In response to recently imposed U.N. sanctions, North Korea vowed to conduct its third test of a nuclear weapon, warning of confrontation with its proclaimed arch-enemy the United States. What do you think?

I liked North Korea better when I forgot all about them.


Gary Whipple

North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon


Walter Mott

North Korea To Test New Nuclear Weapon

At least they're doing all that testing. Imagine how scary it'd be if they were just launching dangerous, untested nukes at us.


Mitchell Glover

New Twitter Video Service Rife With User Porn

Launched Thursday, Twitter's new video app called Vine, which allows users to upload and share up to six seconds of footage, has already drawn a wide variety of self-made exhibitionist clips, as well as explicit sexual videos. What do you think?

To be fair, I'll probably just show my penis a couple times and then quit.


Veronique Fricker

I like them. Those concise, six-second pornos are often the most poignant.


Ned Lloyd

I don't know how I'm going to explain this to my grandmother, or why.


Ian Scarano

J.J. Abrams To Direct New 'Star Wars' Movie

Disney has selected J.J. Abrams, director of the recently rebooted Star Trek franchise and co-creator of the TV show Lost, to direct the upcoming Star Wars sequel, slated for release in 2015. What do you think?

I can't wait. I loved Lost, and Star Wars is a great name for a movie.


Ric La Mana

Why are they messing with the series? Star Wars is the only thing that doesn't make me sad!


Judith Semler

I bet he'll keep the light sabers in there.


Saundra Longo

Iran Claims It Launched Monkey Into Space

Iranian officials announced yesterday they had launched a monkey into space and safely returned the animal to earth, asserting that the nation is now five to eight years away from putting a human in orbit. What do you think?

I'm concerned that this is only a prelude to Iran launching monkeys at Israel.


Dennis Brody

Man, at this rate, it won't be long before Iran builds a computer small enough to fit in a single room.


Joseph Walcoff

Oh, dear! And what are our American monkeys doing? Probably just lying around eating bananas all day. And maybe wearing a little diaper—and they should put sunglasses on it, too. So cute!


Ralph Amos

'Pride And Prejudice' Turns 200

The classic Jane Austen novel Pride and Prejudice, which follows the courtship of Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in 19th-century English high society, turned 200 years old yesterday and was marked with theatrical performances, readings, and other celebrations. What do you think?


Rob Babbs

'Pride And Prejudice' Turns 200

I'm going to read that as soon as I'm done with Kill Shot by Vince Flynn.


Maria Swain

'Pride And Prejudice' Turns 200

That's nothing. The Bible is over a million years old and it's got all sorts of magic and goblins in it.


Darryl Tull

Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

The State Department official tasked with shutting the Guantánamo Bay detention facility has been assigned to another position and will not be replaced, signaling that President Obama likely will no longer pursue the closing of the prison, a goal he had vowed to achieve his first year in office. What do you think?

At least the president showed that this issue was important to him by putting one guy on it.


Nina Flanagan

Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

So what? Maybe the prisoners like it there now. Did anyone think to ask them?


Rex Stutman

Obama Gives Up On Closing Guantánamo?

It could still get done. I was assigned to the Honeycutt account at work before I was transferred to sales, and—oh, shit! The Honeycutt account!


Raman Abbas

U.S. Economy Unexpectedly Shrank Last Quarter

The nation's GDP contracted 0.1 percent over the final three months of 2012, surprising most economists and ending a string of three and a half years of growth. What do you think?

Really? But I bought, like, four new shirts.


Meredith Arguello

Certainly you didn't expect this recent wave of wealth and prosperity to last forever.


Janet Mooney

Gabby Giffords Tells Congress To Act On Gun Control

Former Arizona representative Gabrielle Giffords, who was shot in the head in 2011, delivered the opening remarks yesterday at a congressional hearing on gun violence that later featured testimony from NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. What do you think?

Come on. If everyone who got shot felt the need to speak to Congress about gun control, we'd never hear the end of it.


Larry Campisi

Think of the courage, strength, and determination it took to come back and address the nation like LaPierre did after these shootings.


Alonzo Marshall

Until I hear the side of a deranged mass shooter I don't know what to think.


Kelly Anderson

Study: Housecats Kill Billions Of Animals A Year

According to a new study, the nation's population of domestic housecats and feral strays kills an estimated 2.4 billion birds and 12.3 billion mammals each year, far more than scientists previously believed. What do you think?


Mike Eddo

Just out of curiosity, how many cans of tuna does one of these little slaughterers require to knock off, say, a business partner?


Horace Prince

Who would have thought cats could be such assholes?


Elton Lister

Hillary Clinton's Last Day As Secretary Of State

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will step down today after four years on the job and hand over the reins of U.S. foreign policy to retiring senator John Kerry. What do you think?

Last days at work are the best. She could probably leave at like 3 and no one could even give her any shit about it.


Kristin Burton

Foreign diplomats, prepare to be electrified!


Willie Sly

It's technically not her last day. This upcoming Monday she has to give her exit interview with HR, then stick around the State Department until Friday to train Kerry.


Dean Maslow

China Hacks 'New York Times,' 'Wall Street Journal'

The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal announced that hackers in China had stolen reporters' passwords, accessed email accounts, and used malware to gain entry to the newspapers' computer networks. What do you think?

Son of a bitch. How many times do you have to tell Maureen Dowd to add a numeral at the end of her 'redhotmomma' password?


Dianne Ahi

Makes sense. I can't imagine how expensive delivering the paper over there would be.


Kirby Lewis

Did they by chance get the answers to today's crossword? So far I just have 3 across and 1 down, but I don't think they're real words.


Randy Grinaldi

Young Americans Fueling Nation's Yogurt Craze

While overall dairy consumption has remained consistent, yogurt sales in the United States have more than doubled since 2001, a nationwide craze that has been driven largely by those aged 18 to 34. What do you think?

Tell me about it. Everything out of their mouths these days is 'Twitter this' and 'yogurt that.'


Pam Braggs

Kids today! You just never know what kind of bacteria they're going to start shoveling into their mouths next.


Carlos Martinez

This sounds like a backlash against older folks jumping on that oral sex trend the young people had a few years back.


Burt Spivia

Bones Of King Richard III Found Beneath Parking Lot

Human remains found beneath a parking lot in the English city of Leicester were identified as those of King Richard III, who was widely reviled for murdering those who stood in his way and who died in battle in 1485. What do you think?

This should take some of the heat off Prince Harry for a while.


Farrah Sprigga

I guess that solves the case of the haunted Leicester parking lot.


Sammy Busbee

Oh hell, now that jerk at the office Dave Plantagenet will never, ever shut up about this.


Warren Vitale

Beyoncé, Destiny's Child Album Sales Surge After Super Bowl

Online sales of Beyoncé's albums have leapt 230 percent since her well-received Super Bowl halftime show Sunday, while digital record sales for her former group Destiny's Child, with whom she reunited during the performance, have soared 600 percent. What do you think?

Bandwagoners. I've been buying Beyoncé's music since the inauguration.


Alfie Nadel

That was the most emotional reunion I'd seen since the Clydesdale reunited with the rancher 10 minutes earlier.


Molly Sarno

Wow. Someone should let advertisers know a Super Bowl appearance can really boost sales.


Michael Vucelich

Photo Of Obama Shooting Gun Stirs Controversy

To corroborate President Barack Obama's recent assertion that he shoots clay pigeons all the time when he visits Camp David, the White House tweeted a photograph of the president firing a shotgun that has drawn considerable scrutiny. What do you think?

I'm sorry, but this one photo does not make up for all the other photos of him not shooting a gun.


Bianca Karamanos

Ooh. I had no idea our president was such a sexy, sexy man.


Terry Christensen

That has to be a Photoshop. No way Obama owns a belt.


Robert Brosette

Canada Begins Phasing Out Pennies

With each penny costing roughly 1.6 cents to create and distribute, the Royal Canadian Mint stopped placing one-cent coins into circulation Monday, prompting Canadian retailers to begin rounding prices for all cash purchases to the nearest nickel. What do you think?

The Coinstar reject tray won't be the same without them.


Lois Manning

Canada Begins Phasing Out Pennies

Sure. In today's economy everything is paid for in nickels.


Joe Sheehan

Canada Begins Phasing Out Pennies

Good luck trying to join Columbia House and BMG record clubs now, morons.


Simon Doyle

Post Office Ending Saturday Mail Delivery

Aiming to save $2 billion a year, the financially struggling U.S. Postal Service announced today that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays beginning in August. What do you think?

But what if I really want to communicate with someone and I'm unaware of the hundreds of better ways to do so?


Brock Capps

Jesus fuck, why even have a weekend now?


Vickie Meshover

Have they tried putting someone nobody cares about anymore on a stamp? That could work.


Ken Mirkovich

North Korean Propaganda Video Shows Bombed U.S. City

In a brief YouTube video posted by the North Korean government, a sleeping citizen is depicted dreaming about the country's space technology and envisioning New York City aflame after a missile attack, all while an instrumental version of the song We Are The World plays in the background. What do you think?

Oh my God, I had that exact same dream last night!


Linda Athons

Wouldn't it be easier for North Korea to just tell its citizens that this actually happened?


Samir Hamoud

It's a chilling video, but nowhere near as freaky as the ads with the Lunesta moth.


Hal Von Beltz

Northeast Braces For Historic Blizzard

Widespread power outages and travel disruptions are expected from a massive nor'easter that is projected to bring up to two feet of snow in Boston and nearly a foot of snow in New York City starting tomorrow. What do you think?

As a 12-year-old, should I have lived through this many storms of the century by now?


Raymond De Luna

Northeast Braces For Historic Blizzard


Valerie Palmisano

Northeast Braces For Historic Blizzard

No lobster roll for me tomorrow, I guess.


Rochelle Epper

Monopoly To Replace Iron Game Piece With Cat

Hasbro announced that the least popular Monopoly game piece, the iron, would be removed from the board game and replaced with a cat, which beat out other potential new tokens—a guitar, a robot, a diamond ring, and a helicopter—in an online vote. What do you think?

But I was getting so good with the iron!


Norman Yant

Who the hell are all these people who don't want to be a fucking helicopter?


Gabriel Struzan

That thing was an iron? My friends always told me it was a spaceship when they made me play with it.


Mae Ellingwood

Singers Told Not To Bare Breasts, Buttocks At Grammys

Recording artists attending the 55th Grammy Awards on Sunday have been given a wardrobe advisory by broadcaster CBS, requiring them to ensure their wardrobes adequately cover their breasts and buttocks. What do you think?

How about if we're just watching the Grammys? Can we do it then?


Andre Bueno

When they get up on stage, could they at least be allowed to describe what their boobs and butts might look like?


Edwin Coker

That's right. The Grammys must be kept respectable.


Regina Ruddy

Southern Food Causes Strokes?

A new study has linked the highly fatty and extremely sweet foods often consumed in the American South, such as sweet tea and fried chicken and fish, with southern states' high rates of stroke. What do you think?

I don't know about all you other gals, but I, for one, find men with a slight Southern drawl and some facial paralysis incredibly charming.


Conrad Moser

Southern Food Causes Strokes?

You Yankees can call them 'strokes' or whatever you want. Down here they go by the name of 'The Tasty Clots.'


Don Chao

Southern Food Causes Strokes?

Nah, they're just stroking out because it all tastes so darn good.


Thomas Corbin

Pope Benedict XVI To Resign

Citing his advanced age and declining health, 85-year-old Pope Benedict XVI announced today that he will step down from the papacy on the last day of February, marking the first time since 1415 that a pope has resigned from the job. What do you think?

Benedict has made a mockery of our proud tradition of watching popes slowly shrivel away and descend into senility!


Mark Ebersole

Pope Benedict XVI To Resign

Will he be going back to his old name now? I need to know how to address this card.


Prudence Bannen

Pope Benedict XVI To Resign

I hope they pick someone cool to replace him. That guy's a square.


Susan Hayden

North Korea Conducts Nuclear Test

North Korea carried out a nuclear test Tuesday, possibly using a plutonium-based device that was smaller but more powerful than its previous bombs, drawing condemnation and vows of swift action from governments around the world. What do you think?

If we've learned anything from dealing with dictators, it's that nothing's more effective than condemnation.


Malcolm Merrill

North Korea Conducts Nuclear Test

I'm glad other countries are finally joining us in making vows.


Brianna Menyuk

North Korea Conducts Nuclear Test

Anyone else torn between finding this troubling and kind of adorable?


Cedric Ashbrook

Horse Meat Found In European 'Beef' Lasagna, Hamburgers

Several weeks after horse meat was found in frozen hamburgers in Irish and British supermarkets, frozen food purveyors in the U.K. and France announced the recall of lasagna and other products that contained up to 100 percent horse meat. What do you think?

Well, if they're not going to eat any of it, I'd be happy to take it off their hands for them.


Rosalind Gooding

That's disgusting! Horses are not for eating! Cows are for eating!


Fernando Miro

Boy, these Europeans sure are a bunch of snobs.


Richard Poitier

Mountain Dew Introduces 'Kickstart' Breakfast Drink

On February 25, PepsiCo will roll out its new line of caffeinated Mountain Dew Kickstart sparkling juice beverages, which will be marketed as an alternative to coffee or tea. What do you think?

Great! I do most of my skysurfing in the morning.


Celia Vassallo

You know, there are many mornings when I'm having my coffee and I wonder if there isn't some Dew I should be doing.


Chris Gutierrez

Nice. I've been looking for just the right beverage to wash down the Jimmy Dean Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick I like to eat on the bus.


Leslie Rose

Obama Delivers State Of The Union

President Barack Obama delivered his annual State of the Union address last night, his first since being reelected. What did you think of the speech?

As a hardworking American, I was disappointed that at no point did he mention me.


Stephen Krakoff

Obama Delivers State Of The Union

All we can expect from this washed-up president is four more years of promises he tries his best to keep and occasionally succeeds at.


J.D. Hess

Obama Delivers State Of The Union


Michael McBee

Coroner: Woman Died From Drinking Too Much Coke

A coroner in New Zealand has ruled that a 30-year-old woman's death by cardiac arrest in 2010 was caused by her daily consumption of at least 10 liters of Coke, a claim that The Coca-Cola Company has strongly denied. What do you think?

You just know health freaks are going to be out there saying you shouldn't drink 10 liters of Coke a day now.


Joey Finley

I don't understand why Coca-Cola won't just admit that its product kills people.


Maritza Rivera

If she had only drank 10 liters of Diet Coke a day instead.


Alfredo Mancini

Disabled, Sewage-Laden Cruise Ship Returns To Port

Since an engine fire Sunday, the 4,200 people aboard the Carnival cruise ship Triumph have gone without electricity, waited hours in line for food, and endured raw sewage in rooms and on deck, prompting the company to offer reimbursements, $500 in cash, and a credit for a future cruise. What do you think?

Aw, man, all I got was Legionnaire's Disease on my cruise.


Ernie Biggart

On the bright side, I bet more than a few people had their scatological fantasies unexpectedly satisfied.


Howard Rosenstein

Asteroid Narrowly Misses Earth

A 150-foot asteroid known as 2012 DA14 will pass by Earth today, coming within 17,000 miles of hitting the planet—closer than many communications satellites—and narrowly avoiding an impact that would have destroyed a 750-square-mile area of the surface. What do you think?


Richard Goddard

Asteroid Narrowly Misses Earth


Winnie Chapman

Asteroid Narrowly Misses Earth

What, that's it? We're not even going to try to blow it up?


Beau Elmendorf

Russian Meteorite Strike Injures Over 1,000

A meteorite fell over the Russian city of Chelyabinsk this morning, creating a fireball and several explosions that caused moderate structural damage, injuring over 1,000 people in an event astronomers say is unrelated to the passage of asteroid 2012 DA14 near Earth today. What do you think?

Don't you see? The asteroid was just a distraction, and we all fell for it.


Vincent Rylander

Have you seen those videos? Describe them to me.


Roxanne Weatherley

Why does all the cool stuff happen to Chelyabinsk?


James Frakes

Google To Open Retail Stores

Sources are reporting that Google will open a chain of brick-and-mortar stores throughout North America to sell the company's tech products, with several flagship locations opening in major metropolitan areas in time for this year's holiday season. What do you think?

They'll do fine. The Dress Barn started out as a search engine too, and now look at them.


Philip Dorn

Google To Open Retail Stores

I hope their signs out front change every day.


Geri Burton

Google To Open Retail Stores

Google better knock this one out of the park. Otherwise, they're fucked.


Candace Schaab

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans' groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battlefield service. What do you think?

It'll be neat to finally put some nice faces behind those faceless killing machines.


Ira Cardozo

Shouldn't a job well done be its own reward?


Victor Linardos

For once I'd say the Department of Defense has made an error in judgment.


Lorine Koenig

Iceland May Ban Online Pornography

The Icelandic government may use Internet filters to block citizens from viewing pornography online, potentially becoming the first Western democracy to impose strict Internet blocking technology like that used by China and other authoritarian regimes. What do you think?

Norway had better prepare for a wave of pervert immigrants.


Mike Ruck

Iceland May Ban Online Pornography

As a passionate believer in free speech, I abhor any type of censorship. But mainly the kind that makes it harder to masturbate.


William Morshower

Iceland May Ban Online Pornography

Hopefully, Icelanders can live vicariously through volcanic eruptions.


Harold Jansen

Ailing Hugo Chavez Makes Surprise Return

After spending more than two months in seclusion in Cuba following cancer surgery, Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez made an unannounced return home yesterday, at which time he was immediately transferred to a local hospital. What do you think?

Ah, the prodigal son returns. Right? I don't know enough about Chavez, Venezuela, or the Bible to know if that applies.


Jay Yasutake

He really needs to shoot off a couple fiery anti–U.S. imperialism invectives to show that he's still doing the job of governing Venezuela.


Kristine March

I hope he was able to say goodbye to Castro.


Neil Salvatori

Testosterone, Needles Possibly Found At Pistorius' Home

Police say they found needles and what may be testosterone in Oscar Pistorius' bedroom, suggesting that the double-amputee Olympic sprinter may have been doping around the time he shot his girlfriend, though defense lawyers claimed the substance was an herbal supplement and not a steroid. What do you think?

I don't see what the big deal is. They found all sorts of crazy stuff at my apartment after I killed my girlfriend.


Theresa Berman

The guy has no legs. Let him take whatever he wants, for chrissakes.


Dennis Lew

It was probably echinacea. I use it to boost my immune system, but every now and again when I take it, I murder someone I love.


Megan Hutton

Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain

President Barack Obama is calling for a 10-year, $3 billion joint public-private project to map the human brain, saying the Brain Activity Map would lead to medical and scientific breakthroughs and provide a boon to the national economy. What do you think?

He better not start poking around in the part where I remember the location of my spare house key.


Gaston Van Dam

Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain

You just know all those crazy Obama supporters will probably back this ridiculous plan, especially if it could lead to more effective treatments of brain diseases such as Alzheimer's and autism.


Chuck Dekker

Obama Calls For Mapping Human Brain

I could see some interesting scientific discoveries resulting from this experiment, but you don't want to go inside this ol' noodle of mine. Seriously, it's a complete shit show in here.


Robert Alonzo

Paul McCartney To Headline Bonnaroo

Weird Al Yankovic unveiled this year's lineup for the Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, announcing that Sir Paul McCartney would headline the four-day event along with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and Mumford and Sons. What do you think?

He's got to be thrilled for the chance to share a stage with Marcus Mumford.


Camille Surma

Paul McCartney To Headline Bonnaroo

Good one, Weird Al. Now, how about we get someone who's not a wiseacre to tell us the real Bonnaroo lineup?


Martin Veneziano

Paul McCartney To Headline Bonnaroo


Troy McManus

Third Of Fish Sold In U.S. Mislabeled As Different Species

Using genetic testing, researchers found that one-third of all fish sold as food in the U.S. was actually a different species than the one listed on the label or menu, with sushi bars misleading consumers most often. What do you think?

Then it's a good thing I don't care what goes in my body.


Jenna Mosko

I doubt the sushi places are doing it intentionally. I bet the guys doing the study just don't know how to order correctly.


Jorge Zapata

That's why I stick to eating ground beef. I may not know what's in it, but I know it's gotta be one of four animals.


Merritt Grand

Man Demands No Black Nurses Touch Newborn

An African-American nurse is suing a hospital in Flint, MI, alleging that administrators granted a request by a white man with a swastika tattoo that no black nurses tend to his newborn, a demand the hospital says it denied. What do you think?

That's insane! When my son was born, we made every African-American nurse hold him!


Denney Belt

I just politely asked that the nurses please not have cold hands.


Bud Fukai

Megan Fox To Star In 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'

After a well-publicized falling-out during the Transformers movies, Megan Fox has reportedly resolved her differences with Michael Bay and will star as reporter April O'Neil in the director's upcoming update of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What do you think?

Nothing brings feuding artists together like love of the classics.


Duncan Soldo

I'm so impressed they were willing to put aside their differences in order to make millions and millions of dollars.


Alia Kite

Teachers' Job Satisfaction Lowest In 25 Years

According to a survey of the nation's primary and secondary educators, less than 40 percent reported feeling very satisfied with their jobs, the lowest level in a quarter century. What do you think?

If these people want to be happy, they never should have become teachers in the first place.


Logan Sweeney

Hey, not everyone can be lucky enough to be a quality control tester at a yogurt factory like me.


Kevin Callery

Haha! Take that, Mrs. Kucharski! I told you I'd win in the end!


Martin Ingersoll

Michelle Obama Presents Oscar To 'Argo'

First lady Michelle Obama announced the Oscars' Best Picture winner via satellite last night, awarding the show's top prize to the Ben Affleck–directed thriller Argo, which chronicles the rescue of six Americans during the Iranian hostage crisis. What do you think?

As a conservative, that completely ruined the Hollywood I already hated.


Gerald Wilmarth

Michelle Obama Presents Oscar To 'Argo'

But her husband didn't even kill any bad guys in that one.


Mary Tanaka

Michelle Obama Presents Oscar To 'Argo'

Oh, wow. Do you think the president was standing right there off-camera, or do you think he was in another room watching on TV?


Susan Soffer

$85 Billion In Budget Cuts Set To Begin Friday

Having avoided the fiscal cliff with a temporary deal in January, the federal government is now facing the so-called sequester, which would trigger $85 billion in automatic spending cuts to the military and domestic programs if lawmakers are unable to reach an agreement by Friday. What do you think?

I just pray that our elected leaders can come together and make the difficult choices necessary to push this back by another couple of weeks.


Josh Rijn

What's everyone freaking out about? They've got literally dozens of hours left to figure this thing out.


Leo Pirok

Shit, that reminds me: I'm 23 months behind on rent.


Al Moon

U.S. Begins Nuclear Talks With Iran

The United States and five other nations will begin talks with Iranian negotiators in the city of Almaty, Kazakhstan today to discuss easing sanctions on the Middle Eastern country in exchange for a halt to its nuclear program. What do you think?

Diplomacy? Sounds like another one of Obama's harebrained schemes.


Annabel Limery

U.S. Begins Nuclear Talks With Iran

Looks like someone just wants a free trip to Almaty.


Richard Bozzi

U.S. Begins Nuclear Talks With Iran

They should do those trust falls. Those really help.


Seth Behar

Top Republicans, Corporations Call For Gay Marriage

Ahead of two upcoming Supreme Court cases challenging the constitutionality of state and federal laws limiting the definition of marriage, more than 80 top Republicans and over 200 corporations sent legal briefs to the justices arguing in favor of same-sex unions. What do you think?

It's good to see basic human decency and political machinations win out in the end.


Bob Holt

Well, I guess if the corporations are down with it, I am too.


Alicia Athons

That's a pretty risky move on their part. What if all the gays decided to be straight again?


Natalie Ciccone

Horse Meat Found In Ikea Meatballs

In the latest turn in Europe's widening horse meat scandal, investigators found equine DNA in meatballs served in the cafeteria of an Ikea in the Czech Republic, prompting the company to pull its meatball products from stores throughout much of Europe. What do you think?

I may never eat another meal served by a furniture store again.


James Eaton

Horse Meat Found In Ikea Meatballs


Barry Vidnic

Horse Meat Found In Ikea Meatballs

You know these Swedish chefs. You ask them what's in the dish, and they just babble incoherently and throw a colander at a live chicken.


Brandon Vargas

Benedict XVI's Last Day As Pope

After nearly eight years as head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI will step down from the papacy today at 8 p.m. Vatican time, beginning his post-retirement life as a so-called pope emeritus. What do you think?

Great. He deserves a break after thoughtfully addressing the Church's problems for all those years.


Patricia Carrillo

Benedict XVI's Last Day As Pope

Man, he is going to get the sweetest watch.


Ian Pock

Benedict XVI's Last Day As Pope


Christine Botsford

IBM Supercomputer Becomes Chef

At a meeting with investors this morning, IBM demonstrated its advanced artificial intelligence system Watson, which famously beat two champions at Jeopardy! in 2011, by serving a pastry dish that was created by the supercomputer as part of the company's pitch to show off the machine's broad range of capabilities. What do you think?

There are some culinary tricks you just can't program, like knowing the precise moment when to take the pizza rolls out of the oven.


Russell Towler

IBM Supercomputer Becomes Chef

How come my computer just lies around the house all day?


Pieter Wexler

IBM Supercomputer Becomes Chef

Yeah, but they're still years behind in developing a machine to compete with Ken Jennings' boyish good looks.


Bud Batha

Millionaire To Send Married Couple To Mars

American multimillionaire Dennis Tito, famous for being the first space tourist in 2001, announced plans to finance a 500-day mission that would send a spacecraft carrying a married civilian couple to fly by Mars and then return to Earth. What do you think?

Absolutely nothing about this is a bad idea.


Karen Humberger

I hope there isn't going to be one of those bullshit twists where the couple's names turn out to be Adam and Eve.


Douglas Alstadter

Sounds like a perfect trip, minus the wife part! Ha, I'm just kidding. I would love to experience something like that with Marie.


Audrey Mann

Dennis Rodman Calls Kim Jong-Un 'Awesome Guy'

During a goodwill trip to North Korea, former NBA star Dennis Rodman was seen palling around with the country's leader Kim Jong-un, whom Rodman called a friend for life, while also praising Kim's father and grandfather, Kim Jong-il and Kim Il-sung, as great leaders. What do you think?

It's nice to see Kim Jong-un making friends.


Scott Alvarez

They sound really nice. Maybe we're the problem.


Dino De Mora

I don't care what Dennis Rodman says. I don't like Kim Jong-un.


Bernie Alonzo

Rats' Brains Connected Via Internet

Creating the first ever brain-to-brain interface, scientists have connected the brains of lab rats via Internet cables, allowing the animals to communicate motor information to one another even when they're thousands of miles apart. What do you think?

Wow! That sounds incredibly inhumane and amazing.


Linda Christian

Rats' Brains Connected Via Internet

Boy, this should really improve the rat experience.


Joel Beesley

Rats' Brains Connected Via Internet

Don't those rats have anything better to do than surf the web all day?


Chantal Anderson

Baby Cured Of HIV

After being placed on antiretroviral medications beginning 30 hours after its birth, a child born HIV positive was found to be completely free of the disease two and a half years later, offering hope for a potential cure for the roughly 330,000 infants born with the infection each year.

Babies really seem to bounce back from things.


Cole Peet

Baby Cured Of HIV

That's great! Now I can stop telling my baby that if he gets HIV he's a goner.


Angelo Pileggi

Baby Cured Of HIV


Chris Copeland

Second Sinkhole Opens In Tampa

Less than a week after a Tampa, FL man and his bedroom were swallowed by a now 30-foot-wide and 60-foot-deep sinkhole, a new chasm in the earth opened between two buildings just a few miles away, though no one was reported injured. What do you think?

I'm starting to believe Tampa's not the paradise I once thought it to be.


Darrin Morley

Second Sinkhole Opens In Tampa

Man, Florida gets all the cool ways to die.


Brigitte Freeborn

Second Sinkhole Opens In Tampa

And they say sinkholes never sinkhole the same place twice.


Mick Hadrava

Sharks At Risk Of Extinction From Overfishing

According to a new ecological report, nearly 100 million sharks are killed each year by humans, driven in large part by Asian nations' demand for shark fin soup, and many species could be fished to extinction within decades unless new protections are enacted. What do you think?

Uh-oh. Without sharks, someone's going to get curious about who's been eating all those swimmers.


Claudette Gale

I don't even want to imagine a world without sharks.


Matthew Stinson

The sharks should try biting those guys.


Mandy McLeod

Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies

Hugo Chávez, Venezuela's divisive leader for the past 14 years and a vocal detractor of the United States, died of cancer yesterday at the age of 58. What do you think?

That's a shame. All the best enemies of America die young.


Gary Beck

Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies

Life's funny sometimes. One minute, you're ruling over a broke, crime-ridden country. The next, you're dead.


Bob Rennison

Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez Dies

Hopefully his successor won't be such a divisive figure. Could you even imagine living in a place where half the country doesn't trust their own leader?


Francesco Grimaldi

Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High

Despite the sluggish recovery and the federal government's sequestration budget cuts, the Dow Jones industrial average closed at 14,253.77 points yesterday, the highest level ever, surpassing the previous record set in October 2007 before the financial collapse. What do you think?


Kevin Werhsler

Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High

They should go ahead and just ring the shit out of that bell all day today.


Katia Van Viersen

Dow Jones Index Reaches Record High

Let's not get too excited. I'd like to see it up to at least 14,253.92 before anyone starts breaking out the champagne.


Josh Hyland

Rand Paul Filibusters For 13 Hours To Protest Drones

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) held up the confirmation process of President Barack Obama's CIA nominee by filibustering for nearly 13 hours, protesting the administration's failure to rule out drone strikes against American citizens on U.S. soil. What do you think?

By hour six, I was like, 'Okay, Rand, we get it. Killing Americans is wrong.'


Kirk Seagrave

He must have had a really energizing breakfast.


Stephanie Dolan

I don't think I care about anything enough to stand for 13 hours.


Marcel Inget

New Samsung Phone To Be Controlled By Eye Movements

According to sources, new eye-tracking technology in Samsung's Galaxy S IV smartphone, which is set to debut on March 14, will allow users to scroll through webpages and applications by simply moving their eyes. What do you think?

Could work, but it'll take some convincing to get people used to the idea of constantly looking at their cell phones.


Steve Terezakis

Ugh. So you're telling me I have to move my eyes just to make the pages move?


Tanya Abbott

I already know that my snoopy coworker is going to fuck this all up for me.


Michelle Basantani

Justin Bieber Hospitalized After Fainting At Concert

Teen pop sensation Justin Bieber was seen struggling during a performance of Beauty and a Beat at a show in London last night before walking off stage and fainting out of view of the audience, and was later taken to a hospital. What do you think?

It must be that we didn't love him enough. I'm sorry, Justin!


Orson Whittemore

As long as he keeps tweeting shirtless pictures from the hospital, he can collapse all he wants.


Marty Zorniak

I don't see why he can't perform while sitting in an easy chair and sipping some tea.


Andrew Borrowman

TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes

Partially reversing rules that have been in place since the 9/11 attacks, the Transportation Security Administration announced that it would begin allowing passengers to bring pocketknives with blades shorter than 2.36 inches onto planes beginning on April 25. What do you think?

The catch is you're still not allowed to stab people with them.


Kurt Montoya

TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes

Finally. It's so annoying when you've brought all these strawberries on a plane and have nothing to finely chop them with.


Meagan Lema

TSA To Allow Small Knives On Planes

I think you should be able to carry either a knife or shampoo. Not both.


Kimberly Sanca

Ancient Giant Camel Found In Arctic

The remains of large 2,000-pound camels, which lived 3.5 million years ago, were recently unearthed from the Canadian arctic tundra, revealing that their modern desert-dwelling descendants first developed in a far colder environment. What do you think?

What are you, some sort of camel freak? Get away from me.


Duane Dobbin

Ancient Giant Camel Found In Arctic


Charles Turpen

Ancient Giant Camel Found In Arctic

Whoa! Wait 'til Twitter hears about this!


Candice Walden

2,800 Pig Carcasses Found In Chinese Drinking Water

Over 2,800 pig carcasses of unknown origin were found clogging Shanghai's Huangpu River, the main drinking water source for the city, sparking widespread fears of contamination. What do you think?

Aw, why'd you go and say that? Now I'm hungry for pig carcass.


Jason Twible

You expect to see a few bloated pig carcasses this time of year, but anything over 1,500 is unacceptable.


Harvey Clarkson

If they just rinse the pigs off it should be all right.


Roy Ivernel

Judge Blocks New York City's Soda Ban

Just one day before the rule was set to go into effect in New York City, a state justice blocked Mayor Michael Bloomberg's controversial regulation banning the sale of sodas and other sugary beverages over 16 ounces. What do you think?

Honey, pack your bags. The New York trip is back on!


Beatrice Ross

Judge Blocks New York City's Soda Ban

So I drank all those two-liters last night for nothing?


Anthony Gilhooly

Judge Blocks New York City's Soda Ban


Martin Garr

Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican

The Vatican's College of Cardinals convened the papal conclave today, beginning the process of selecting the Roman Catholic Church's 266th pope. What do you think?

To be honest, I was pretty disappointed by the first 265 popes. But I have a really good feeling about this one.


Elizabeth Sutton

Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican

Conclaves are a sham, man. Everyone knows that corporations choose the pope.


Conrad Osgood

Papal Conclave Begins At Vatican

Can you imagine spending hours and hours in a room with those old guys just talking pope stuff all day? So awesome.


Annabel Boyle

CDC: Drug-Resistant Bacteria Pose 'Nightmare' Threat

The head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a dire warning about antibiotic-resistant bacteria known as CREs, which after first appearing in 1996 have now been found in 42 states and were detected in 4.6 percent of all U.S. hospitals in 2012. What do you think?

What is it with the CDC? It's like they're all a bunch of germ freaks over there.


Joe Foggin

I appreciate anything that first appeared in the 1990s and has managed to stay relevant.


Matthew Suwinska

Oh, well. We all gotta go sometime, right?


Wolfgang Heeley

Military-Trained Ukrainian 'Killer' Dolphins On Loose

Three dolphins trained by the Ukrainian navy to detect mines, attack enemies using guns or knives attached to their heads, and plant bombs on ships have gone missing in the Black Sea, with some speculating that the marine mammals deserted to look for mates. What do you think?

If there's one thing I've learned about arming mammals: Don't.


Ewan Crandon

They should know well enough that it's too dangerous to fall in love in this profession.


Natascha Hallam

I think dolphins should only undergo unnatural and painstakingly relentless training to do nice things.


Fiona Gough

First Latin American Pope Chosen

Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76, was elected to the papacy yesterday, becoming the first Latin American and the first Jesuit pontiff in the Vatican's history, and taking the name Pope Francis I. What do you think?

Finally, a pope who can dance the forbidden dance.


Jack Wakefield

First Latin American Pope Chosen


Thomas Simpson

First Latin American Pope Chosen

This is a hell of a way to find out I'm not the new pope.


Tessa Mitchell

Disney To Debut New Mickey Mouse Cartoons

A new series of 19 animated shorts featuring 85-year-old Disney icon Mickey Mouse, which will be set in modern-day versions of New York, Paris, Beijing, and other locales, is slated to premiere on the Disney Channel in late June. What do you think?

That's uncanny. Just the other day I was thinking, 'I wish that everything created prior to 10 years ago had a more modern sensibility.'


Paul Featherstone

About time. All I hear from my kids is, 'We want Mickey Mouse! We want Little Lulu! We want Sluggo and Nancy!'


Albert Lobb

Oh, I can't wait to see what Mickey's been up to! I'm hoping a ton of mild adventures and a fair share of harmless hijinks.


Kathryn Helme

GOP Senator Flips On Gay Marriage After Son Comes Out

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH), a leading conservative who was on Mitt Romney's shortlist for vice president, announced the reversal of his longstanding position against same-sex marriage, saying he had a change of heart after his son came out to him two years ago. What do you think?


Lee Swart

Let's hope his kid has a tough time finding affordable health care.


Tristan Vassiadi

When I told my dad I was gay, all he did was agree.


Gill Whittaker

'Veronica Mars' Film Sets Kickstarter Fundraising Record

Fans of the UPN and CW show Veronica Mars, which aired from 2004 to 2007, set a record on the fundraising site Kickstarter, contributing more than $1 million in less than five hours to help finance a Warner Brothers–produced Veronica Mars feature film. What do you think?

Set up a Kickstarter fund for a Yes, Dear movie and watch that record fall.


Sue Daiko

I never donate money, but when a major global media corporation asks for help, how can you say no?


Joss Whedon

Wowee, if Kristen Bell can raise a million bucks on the 'net, I'll bet a guy like me, Joss Whedon, could really clean up.


Micky Cobley

Earliest Birds Had Four Wings

According to fossil analysis by Chinese scientists, some of the world's first birds, which lived 150 to 100 million years ago, used feathered hind limbs as an additional set of wings and appear to have flown in a manner similar to biplanes. What do you think?

That sounds so badass. Unless it flapped all four wings. Then it's pretty dorky.


Francisco Faccio

Earliest Birds Had Four Wings

Wow! I can't wait to see birds of the future with just one wing!


Samantha Tindall

Earliest Birds Had Four Wings


Gabe Schneider

Canadian Prisoners Escape Via Helicopter

Two inmates at a Quebec prison made a dramatic daytime escape yesterday when two outside accomplices booked a local helicopter tour, demanded the pilot fly to the prison, and then lowered ropes for the prisoners to climb, though all were later apprehended. What do you think?

Can't Canadians do anything without showboating?


Sabrina Astin

Dummies. It would have worked if they had gone with my giant Trojan Poutine plan.


Mark Chung

10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion

Over a dozen explosions were reported in Baghdad today with more than 50 confirmed dead on the tenth anniversary of the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq. What do you think?

Come on, another anniversary? Must we celebrate every little ground war we start?


Abby Winnick

10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion

I've been trying to make a celebratory cake, but it keeps blowing up in the oven. Spent like $4 trillion on ingredients already.


Thomas Lawner

10-Year Anniversary Of Iraq Invasion

Yeah, 2003 was a crazy time. Remember Evanescence? What were we thinking?


Georgina Federman

GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities

Following an autopsy of the party's defeat in last year's presidential election, the Republican National Committee earmarked $10 million to bring the party's message to African-Americans, Hispanics, and Asian-Americans in cities throughout the country. What do you think?

I'm not sure I like the idea of political groups spending money to influence election outcomes.


Shane Puluti

The best ideas always come out of autopsies.


Huey Rose

Yeah, 20 million stress balls that say 'GOP Hearts Colored People' ought to do it.


Laurel Bankston

Democrats Give Up On Assault Weapons Ban

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said that renewing a ban on assault weapons, a key provision of the gun control package sought by President Obama following the Newtown, CT shooting, would not be part of gun legislation in the Senate. What do you think?

Well, the important thing is they almost tried.


Brad Roach

With so much bickering in Congress, it's nice to see AK-47s get some bipartisan support.


Robert Lutter

If only the gunmen of 2012 had killed more people.


Esteban Olmos

Bloomberg Rule Would Hide Cigarettes From Sight

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is advancing a new initiative that would prevent tobacco products from being visibly displayed in city stores, forcing shopkeepers to hide the products in cabinets, under the counter, or elsewhere out of sight. What do you think?

You New Yorkers are welcome to come out to St. Louis. You can stare at cigarettes all you want here.


Marci Shulak

That should work. Smokers are notoriously bad with object permanence.


Carl Pyle

Could he have them hide Pringles from me, too? Daddy loves Pringles.


Hans Yacoub

Militants Fire Rockets Into Israel During Obama Visit

Militants in Gaza fired two rockets into an Israeli border city ahead of President Barack Obama's speech in Jerusalem urging Israelis and Palestinians to resume negotiations. What do you think?

Were there by chance any notes attached to the rockets indicating Palestinians are ready to resume peace talks?


Douglas Tipton

If a foreign leader came to my country suggesting fair and evenhanded solutions, I'd be pissed, too.


Nina Delgadillo

I think the message Palestinians are trying to send here is clear: They don't really have a lot of rockets to spare.


Kendra Silvestri

Ian McKellen Officiating Patrick Stewart's Wedding

British actor Sir Ian McKellen, famed for his roles as Gandalf and Magneto, will officiate the wedding of fellow British actor and X-Men costar Sir Patrick Stewart, noted for his roles as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard and Professor X, when the latter marries his jazz singer fiancée Sunny Ozell. What do you think?

This has the makings to be the most sonorous ceremony of all time.


Skip Rykes

Shoot, if I knew he were an option I wouldn't have had my stupid grandfather as my officiant.


Mo Hockridge

This is almost exactly like my X-Men fan fiction, except Harry Potter isn't there.


Victoria Rosegard

Universe Older, Wider Than Previously Thought

Astronomers determined that the universe is actually 13.8 billion years old, about 80 to 100 million years older than previously believed, and that it is also a bit wider than once thought. What do you think?


Francois Jenevein

Typical. You give birth to a few trillion galaxies and then people just talk about how old and fat you've gotten.


Webster Owen

CDC: 1 In Every 50 U.S. Schoolchildren Autistic

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revised upward its estimate of the number of children in the United States with autism, stating that 1 in every 50 children between the ages of 6 and 17 have some form of autism spectrum disorder. What do you think?

Isn't there anything we can do to reverse this trend of testing for this horrible affliction?


Bryce Cassel

Blackjack tables of the future are screwed.


Katie Marano

Our nation's bullies must be so exhausted.


Seth Cates

Bill Gates Offers $100K For More Pleasurable Condom

Philanthropist and former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates has offered a $100,000 grant to anyone who can reinvent the condom to make protected sex more pleasurable in an effort to help prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections worldwide. What do you think?

Might be a cool product, but I doubt Gates can ever top Windows 98.


Gail Peldon

I think the Super-Ribbed Ultra-Thin Pleasure Pounders from the machine in the truck stop men's bathroom might be just what Bill Gates is looking for.


Lou Thoemke

Just picturing Bill Gates' charitable visage is all the pleasure I need.


Samantha Niederjohn

Italian Court To Retry Amanda Knox For Murder

Italy's highest court ordered the retrial of American exchange student Amanda Knox and her Italian former boyfriend on charges they murdered Knox's British roommate in 2007, reopening a case that captivated Italy with its lurid sexual details. What do you think?

Look, the only thing that girl's guilty of is being beautiful and maybe murder.


Curly Welker

Lucky. Why can't we ever get cases with lurid sexual details here in America?


Jose Nobrega

Wow, that new pope is really shaking things up.


Howard Bach

Supreme Court Hears Landmark Gay Marriage Cases

The Supreme Court will hear arguments today challenging the constitutionality of California's gay marriage ban, while tomorrow's hearings will focus on benefits denied to same-sex couples by the federal Defense of Marriage Act. What do you think?

I'm just glad I don't have a gay son or daughter, otherwise I might have to put some actual thought into my position.


Dan Steenhagen

Defense of Marriage Act? Oh, that sounds nice. I hope they vote for that.


Pamela Kelson

I just can't get excited for this case after the roller coaster ride that was FTC v. Phoebe Putney Health System, Inc.


Anita Deon

Soda Consumption Falls To Lowest Level Since 1996

According to new data from the trade publication Beverage Digest, Americans purchased 9.17 billion cases of soda in 2012, the lowest level of sales since 1996. What do you think?

If we keep comparing everything to 1996 we'll never be happy.


Vince Sterling

No wonder we're all so healthy and energetic.


Todd Edelman

Don't blame me. I'm still drinking a shitload of soda.


Gustavo Sparado

Justin Bieber Accused Of Assaulting Neighbor

Police responded to reports yesterday that Justin Bieber threatened and attacked his neighbor after the latter voiced concerns that the 19-year-old pop star had been unsafely speeding through the neighborhood while testing out a newly delivered Ferrari. What do you think?

Wow. I can't believe a kid who's received that much attention all his life could act so spoiled.


Jim Kressel

Can't the neighbor just be cool and think back to when he was 19 and was delivered Ferraris?


Clarence Hyvarinen

Pistorius Allowed To Leave Country, Compete In Races

A South African court agreed to return Oscar Pistorius' passport, allowing the paralympic sprinter, who is accused of shooting his girlfriend to death, to leave the country to compete in international track meets. What do you think?

Is the world of professional sports prepared to have an accused criminal in its ranks?


Gary Troop

What bravery. I would be too distracted by the death of my girlfriend to petition the court for my passport back.


Kenneth Tugwood

North Dakota Enacts Nation's Strictest Abortion Law

North Dakota governor Jack Dalrymple signed the most restrictive abortion law in the country Tuesday, banning the procedure after the first fetal heartbeat is detected, which could be as early as six weeks into a woman's pregnancy. What do you think?

Think of all the babies who are going to be senselessly born in North Dakota now.


Daryl Berlovitz

Well, maybe this will encourage North Dakota women to be more careful the next time they decide to live in some shitty state.


A.J. Honore

Arizona Gun Advocates Launch Free Shotgun Giveaway

A group funded by local gun enthusiasts' donations announced plans to provide free shotguns to citizens in troubled sections of Tucson, AZ, the site of the 2011 mass shooting that left former congresswoman Gabby Giffords severely wounded. What do you think?


Elliot Porter

I'm sure that spoilsport Giffords will find something about this to criticize.


Margot Calzada

Man, my community sucks. The only things we get for free are pony rides and ice cream for the kids at the farmer's market. And that's just during the summer.


Barbara Anne Burke

Court Awards $8K To Man Stuck On Disneyland Ride

A court awarded a paralyzed man $8,000 for the inconvenience he suffered while trapped for over 30 minutes on the It's A Small World ride at Disneyland in 2009, during which time he was forced to listen to the ride's iconic theme song on repeat. What do you think?

This story reminds me of when I went to Disney World and had a really great time.


Mitch Redbourn

That song may be annoying, but it has a good message. Mainly about how small the world is after all.


Yancy Crutcher

I'm surprised Disney's ass wasn't covered by the 'God abandons all ye who enter here' sign they post out front of that ride.


Mira Sandknop

Man Drives Car Into Wal-Mart, Assaults Shoppers

A man is in custody in San Jose, CA after he struck two cars with his Oldsmobile in a Wal-Mart parking lot Sunday, drove through the storefront, and then exited his vehicle and assaulted three store patrons and an employee with a blunt object. What do you think?


E.J. Morgenthal

Nice to see some blunt-object violence for a change.


Marshall Littleton

'Game Of Thrones' Season 3 Premieres To Strong Ratings

The popular HBO fantasy drama Game of Thrones, based on the series of best-selling novels by George R.R. Martin, returned to television last night, continuing the struggle between the Lannisters and the Starks. What do you think?

Oh, good. I hope it's still taking place in a fictional world.


Colin Franchett

Yeah, suddenly now everyone's such a huge fan. Well, guess what, I've been watching Thrones since the very first minute of the third episode of season two.


Tate Diehl

Politicians Arrested For Plot To Rig NYC Mayoral Election

A Democratic state senator and Republican city councilman were arrested today on charges they planned to rig the upcoming mayoral election in New York by bribing the city's top GOP leaders to allow the Democrat to run as the Republican nominee. What do you think?

For punishment, I think they should elect him mayor of New York.


Linda Sebek

It's refreshing to see a politician willing to reach across party lines to get things done.


Jonathan Mayo

This just goes to show that you can't buy political office. Unless of course they hadn't been caught, in which case they would have done exactly that.


Paul DiPrima

Cardinal Says Catholic Church Should Welcome Gays

While admitting the Vatican would not change its opposition to same-sex marriage, Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan said the Church should be more welcoming of gays and lesbians, arguing that Catholicism needs to modernize how it presents its message. What do you think?


Amelinda Page

Oh no. I always knew this Golden Rule thing was a slippery slope.


Barry Cordella

1 In 9 U.S. Schoolchildren Diagnosed With ADHD

Eleven percent of American children between the ages of 4 and 17 have received a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, with two-thirds of those diagnosed taking prescription stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin to treat their behavioral issues. What do you think?

It's because of the way we raise kids today, with all the Power Ranger toys and Sega Mega Drives.


Robin Marfiak

Hey, whatever it takes to get them coloring inside those lines.