Jared Folds

Spanish Police Seize 'Narco-Sub' Found In Mediterranean Warehouse

Police in Málaga, Spain have seized a 30-foot, semi-submersible vessel designed to smuggle up to 2,000 kilograms of drugs, the first such narco-submarine found to have been made in the country. What do you think?


Heather Kassel

Oh, Jesus, they found my narco-submarine? Holy fuck. I'm so fucked.


Yoni Scriver

I'm sick of all the gimmicks. Just sell me the drugs, and I'll be on my way!


Gemma Rodberg

Proposal For Sexual Consent App Sparks Backlash

An Australian police official's suggestion of a phone app that records proof of sexual consent to address the country's rise in sexual assault has been slammed by women's rights advocates as naïve, problematic, and inadequate. What do you think?

As long as the phone is recording anyway, why not?


Stevie Bergmeier

I guess that means flip phones would be a way to promote abstinence.


Russ Fetner

If an app can't solve this problem, nothing will.


Zane Knoth

Serial Stowaway' Arrested For 22nd Time At O'Hare

A 69-year-old serial stowaway claiming to have successfully slipped onto dozens of flights across the country was arrested for the 22nd time after her ankle monitoring device alerted authorities to her whereabouts at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago. What do you think?

I think the airlines would be grateful for any passengers they can get at this point.


Ned Mazurk

Until more people are vaccinated, I just wouldn't feel safe stowing away.


Heidi Savarino

So that's why she wanted to crawl into my luggage.


Benny Schafer

Miami Beach Extends State Of Emergency Over Spring Break Crowds

Miami Beach officials extended the state of emergency and 8 p.m. curfew after struggling to control large and unruly crowds in town for spring break. What do you think?

Well, after all that partying, it might be nice to have an excuse to turn in early.


Claudia Foote

Someone should tell them they are free to die in Florida any other time.


Gloria Moore

Covid-19 Guidelines Recommend No Screaming On Roller Coasters

As theme parks prepare to open next month, California's Attractions and Parks Association is recommending that park officials encourage riders to mitigate the effects of shouting on roller coasters to prevent the spread of Covid-19. What do you think?

That's fine, I have very expressive eyes.


Walter Ulseth

But part of the thrill of rollercoasters is catching a contagious disease.


Frank Reade

I get my screaming out of the way while I'm waiting in line for three hours.


Reginald Hoyt

White House Staffers Fired For Past Marijuana Use

The White House has confirmed that several staffers were suspended, told to resign, or work remotely because of past marijuana use, despite the administration in February relaxing its policies regarding employees and their history using the drug. What do you think?

I hope this makes people think twice about the dangers of working in government.


Alberta Whitehead

It's refreshing to finally have an administration that respects even the lamest rules of law.


Jay Fuentes

On the bright side, they can do all the drugs they want now.


Chip Mooney

First U.S. Baby Born With Covid-19 Antibodies

A woman who received one dose of the coronavirus vaccine late in her pregnancy recently gave birth to the first known baby in the U.S. born with Covid-19 antibodies, which doctors claim could resist the novel coronavirus. What do you think?

Sure, it's always easier to get vaccinated when you know someone.


Mona Larson

I just hope the baby waits the required two weeks before partying.


Dean Byers

Bow before our new God, lest the super-baby kills us all!


Verna Hodges

Massive Cargo Ship Becomes Wedged In Suez Canal

A 224,000-ton container ship a quarter of a mile long has become wedged sideways in Egypt's Suez Canal, a key global trade route, and may take weeks to remove. What do you think?

You'd get there faster taking residential canals.


Dustin Adkins

It was hubris to think that we could ever shorten worldwide shipping times.


Nick Soto

Krispy Kreme Offering Free Doughnuts To Vaccinated Customers

Krispy Kreme has announced that for the rest of 2021, it will be giving out a free glazed doughnut to anyone showing proof of receiving the Covid-19 vaccine as a promotion the company hopes motivates Americans to get vaccinated. What do you think?

Okay, but just so we're clear: I'm doing it for the doughnut, not my health or the benefit of the public.


Otis Caldwell

I can't wait to eat my doughnut in front of some little unvaccinated twerp.


Charity Barrett

Well, well, well, look who suddenly cares whether I live or die.


Gene Hammond

Utah Governor Signs Bill Requiring Porn Filters On Devices

Utah Governor Spencer Cox has signed a bill requiring all cellphones and tablets sold in the state to automatically block pornography despite such legislation being difficult to implement and critics calling it a First Amendment rights violation. What do you think?

Unfortunately, bureaucracy only makes me hornier.


Ruben Pope

Okay, but people are just going to figure out a way to get around living in Utah.


Candace Osborne

Without porn, how are Utah's teens going to see any diversity?


Jarvis Shaw

First Openly Transgender Federal Official Confirmed By Senate

Dr. Rachel Levine became the first out transgender federal official to be confirmed by the Senate, serving as assistant secretary of health at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. What do you think?

Why does this administration insist on forcing qualified professionals down our throats?


George Jimenez

I opposed her nomination, not because she's transgender, but because I am against health and human servicing.


Melinda Gordon

If I were a Harvard graduate, I'd want to be known for something else too.


Stephanie Barker

Bottles Of Wine Return To Earth After Year In Space

A case of a 2000 vintage Pétrus wine worth more than $6,000 a bottle spent over a year on the International Space Station before returning to Earth to be tested by researchers to determine its effects. What do you think?

I prefer wines aged in the depths of the ocean.


Clayton Holmes

So, all us poor people are just going to die here on Earth, huh?


Franklin Wilcox

I knew I detected subtle notes of the cosmos.


Craig Stone

Georgia Bans Handing Out Food, Water To Voting Lines

Georgia's new election law contains several controversial provisions, including one that specifically makes it illegal to hand out food and water to people waiting in long lines to vote. What do you think?

Everyone knows that if you vote too soon after eating, you'll get a cramp.


Ingrid Hawkins

Surely our butlers will still be allowed to wait on us.


Connor Dunn

Eating would only slow down the disenfranchisement process.


Josh Sutton

Beloved Children's Author Beverly Cleary Dies At 104

Celebrated children's author Beverly Cleary, one of America's most successful writers with 91 million books sold worldwide and best known for her Ramona Quimby series, has died at 104. What do you think?

Her books are part of the reason I ride a tiny motorcycle.


Les Gregory

No! Not before we get Ramona Quimby, Age 104!


June Lucas

I have such fond memories of pretending to read her books as a kid.


Howard Pelham

Pollution Shrinking Human Penises, Warns Scientist

Count Down, a new book by environmental and reproductive epidemiologist Dr. Shanna Swan, ties the use of industrial chemicals in everyday products to smaller penises, erectile dysfunction, and lower sperm counts. What do you think?

Oh, how I wish I had a pre-industrial shlong.


Mara Jackson

And with a little more effort, we can eradicate them altogether.


Ursula Weaver

Brood X Cicadas To Emerge After 17 Years Underground

Billions of Brood X cicadas are expected to emerge across dozens of states in the coming weeks after spending 17 years underground, a rare natural spectacle of the periodic insects that only come up once to breed and die. What do you think?


Paul Frye

Oh, great. Another group of loud, disrespectful teens I'll have to chase off my property.


Judi Hargrove

New York Legalizes Marijuana

New York has become the 15th state to legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use, while also expunging criminal records of marijuana-related offenses now considered legal. What do you think?

If he's trying to make us forget about his recent scandals, he'll have to legalize harder drugs.


Cameron Kern

New York Legalizes Marijuana

But what hollow pretense will the police use for patting me down now?


Mark Dupree

New York Legalizes Marijuana

Wow, it's like my seven-year sentence never happened.


Harry Mura

Tinder Introducing Background-Check Feature

Tinder, whose parent company Match Group also owns OKCupid and Hinge, will be introducing an in-app feature later this year that performs background checks on potential dates to flag any violent crimes. What do you think?

Well, it would be nice for a date to show up without blood under their fingernails.


Jameson Sansing

But are you really opening yourself up to love if you're not willing to get murdered?


Jillian Ogwin

All great love stories begin with someone passing a background check.


Bri Rutherford

Man Fined For Keeping Sharks In Basement Pool

A New York man was ordered to pay a $5,000 fine for illegal possession with intent to sell seven sandbar sharks discovered in an above-ground pool he kept in his basement. What do you think?

All I know is that I promised my son a shark for his birthday and I can't disappoint him again.


Dominic Hinkle

Well, you can't just keep them in your attic seal tank.


Oscar Billings

I hope they can safely return the pool back to the yard where it belongs.


Nathaniel Goy

Russia Registers First Covid-19 Vaccine For Animals

Russia claims to have registered the world's first coronavirus vaccine for animals in an effort to protect vulnerable species and thwart viral mutations being passed back and forth between humans and animals. What do you think?

Sorry, my pets don't deserve the vaccine after spending a year never wearing masks or even trying to social distance.


Martha Briel

Someone should have thought about doing this before the pandemic.


Benjamin Tebeau

Amazing, I can't wait to get back to my normal dating life.


Edmund Green

Tampa Wastewater Reservoir On Brink Of Collapse

Hundreds were ordered to evacuate the Tampa Bay area due to a wastewater reservoir on the brink of collapse that could unleash 340 million gallons in a possible 20-foot high wall of water containing fertilizer runoff. What do you think?

I'm glad my Florida spring break ended before I had to face a dire health risk.


Hunter Malone

Oh no, nearby towns are also at risk of their area being flooded with evacuating Tampa Bay residents.


Sybil Doyle

Man Finds 15,000 Bees In Car

A man returning to the parking lot after grocery shopping found an estimated 15,000 bees inside his car, which experts say likely happened after the swarm followed the queen bee through the vehicle's open window. What do you think?

Sounds really dangerous to get into a car without enough seatbelts for everyone.


William Stokes

Man Finds 15,000 Bees In Car

It's not until the bees form the shape of a person in order to drive away that you need to panic.


Lance Blackwell

Man Finds 15,000 Bees In Car

Oh, they'll leave you alone if you just drive normally.


Austin Crum

MLB Moves All-Star Game From Atlanta Over Voting Law

Major League Baseball is moving the 2021 All-Star Game and 2021 draft out of Atlanta in protest of a new Georgia law that has raised concerns about its potential to disproportionately disenfranchise minority voters. What do you think?

Ugh, even baseball's protests are boring.


Phil Tapia

Sure, I wanted baseball gone, but this came at a pretty steep cost.


Brenda Bonilla

Just what I expect from the woke Libs who brought us the Atlanta Braves.


Xavier Spivey

Japan Sees Earliest Cherry Blossom Bloom In 1,200 Years

Kyoto's cherry blossoms peaked on March 26, the earliest bloom on record since 812 A.D., which scientists warn is a symptom of the larger climate crisis threatening ecosystems all across the globe. What do you think?

Flowers have always been a harbinger of impending doom.


Burt Yoder

What did they do in 812 A.D. to fix the climate crisis?


Dana Frazier

Nature is trying to tell us something, and I wish it would stop.


Steve Lewis

Yahoo Answers Shutting Down

Yahoo announced that its long-running Q&A platform, Yahoo Answers, which quickly became a magnet for internet trolls and comedians to offer unhelpful responses, will permanently shut down on May 4. What do you think?

This is the type of bold business move that could finally put Yahoo out of its misery.


Merle Cox

Yahoo Answers Shutting Down

That's okay. My dad knows pretty much everything.


Penny Griffith

Yahoo Answers Shutting Down

But if I have a problem, where will I go for help wasting my time?


Isaac Barnes

Chile Distributes Faulty Birth Control Pills

Chile's government distributed, and quietly recalled, 276,890 potentially flawed packets of birth control pills in 2020, resulting in at least 170 women believing they got pregnant because of the error. What do you think?

I just hope Chile does the responsible thing here.


Dave Campbell

Well, birth control is only 99% effective with a 1% chance of government fuck-up.


Kelly Bennett

It's it the women's fault for not chemically analyzing the pills at home?


Gideon Palmer

French Police Hunting International Lego Thieves

Police in France are hunting a gang of international Lego thieves that are raiding toy stores for valuable collectible sets that can eventually be sold for thousands of dollars on the black market. What do you think?

A heist where they can literally build themselves out of any situation will be tough to stop.


Luella Derr

If these thieves ever find out about diamonds, bank vaults, or art museums, we're toast.


Trey Noonan

Sad, I remember the days when you could go to bed at night without even thinking of locking the toybox.


Martin Wood

Woman Gives Birth To 'Super Twins' Conceived Weeks Apart

A woman in the U.K. gave birth to twins conceived three weeks apart in a rare phenomenon called superfetation, which occurs when a separate, new pregnancy occurs during an initial pregnancy. What do you think?


Georgia Highsmith

I would hate to have a whole womb to myself for three weeks and then be forced to share it with a total stranger.


Ron Mosley

Biden Announces Gun Control Executive Actions

President Biden announced several executive actions to tackle gun violence that include regulations on ghost guns and other effective but limited measures, while acknowledging the difficulties in passing any gun legislation through congress. What do you think?

If Congress refuses to pass ineffective gun legislation, Biden has no choice but to do it himself.


Bedelia Villaire

Firing a couple shots from my M16 into the air to celebrate.


Charles Peck

Come on, we haven't even had a mass shooting yet this morning.


Chad Brown

U.S. Faces Ketchup Packet Shortage

The U.S. is facing a ketchup packet shortage after the coronavirus pandemic led to a surge in demand driven by accelerated take-out and delivery trends. What do you think?

Good thing I made the switch to catsup years ago.


John Nguyen

U.S. Faces Ketchup Packet Shortage

Luckily, I just got my hands on a whole bottle of the stuff.


Grace Bunge

U.S. Faces Ketchup Packet Shortage

It was only a matter of time before our reckless use of ketchup finally caught up with us.


Kerry Saltzman

U.S. Domestic Terrorism Rises To Historic Levels

A nonpartisan data analysis by the Center for Strategic and International Studies found that U.S. domestic terrorism incidents skyrocketed in the last 25 years, driven by growing right-wing extremist attacks which hit an all-time record of 73 in 2020. What do you think?

It's good to focus on what we're doing well for a change.


Jake Vallcanera

We need to put aside our differences to direct this terror towards other countries.


Zeke Dulac

Let's bomb the hell out of that terrorist country!


Dante Harris

Robot That Sold NFT Artwork Eyes Music Career

The robotics company that created Sophia, a humanoid that collaborated on an original NFT artwork auctioned off for over $688,000, announced the robot will next try to collaborate with musicians to create original songs and lyrics. What do you think?

I wouldn't have spent $700,000 on Sophia's artwork had I known she'd be releasing stuff for free on Spotify.


Raymond Bradby

Now that she's got some money set aside, why shouldn't she pursue her passion?


Mallory Flynn

I once saw a piano that plays itself, so it can be done.


Theresa Westerholm

Fukushima Radioactive Water To Be Dumped In Ocean

Japan announced plans to dump a million tonnes of radioactive wastewater into the ocean from the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant that was damaged by a 9.0 magnitude earthquake in 2011, sparking protests from local fisherman and environmental groups. What do you think?

I just hope the ecosystem has time to evacuate.


Hector Stark

I worry about the negative impact on the ocean's garbage patches and oil spills.


Lee Wexler

Hawaii Developing Vaccine Passport Program

Hawaii is working with multiple app developers to create a digital passport system that would allow travelers who are vaccinated against Covid-19 to bypass quarantine and coronavirus testing measures. What do you think?

I'd rather do nothing and throw a fit at the airport.


Mary Zeigler

Well, looks like I'll be taking my Hawaiian vacation elsewhere.


Sterling Chayka

You're telling me the Band-Aid I got isn't proof enough?


Betty Aldridge

ArcLight, Pacific Theatres Closing Permanently

ArcLight and Pacific Theatres, including the beloved ArcLight Hollywood and historic Cinerama Dome that are known for hosting numerous movie premieres and being featured in films, are being closed permanently due to financial difficulties during the pandemic. What do you think?

When did the movie industry become all about money?


Cameron Linardi

Maybe they'll still get featured in movies as parking lots.


Jasper Payne

Remaining U.S. Troops To Withdraw From Afghanistan

President Biden announced the remaining 2,500 U.S. Afghanistan will withdraw from Afghanistan by this year's anniversary of 9/11, a firmer end to the two-decade-long war that has killed over 2,200 U.S. troops and cost $1 trillion. What do you think?

I see this less as a 'Goodbye' and more as a 'See you soon.'


Hilda Feinstein

I hope we assured the Afghan people that we could still drone strike them anytime.


Gabriella Henley

Brazil Building New, Bigger Jesus Christ Statue

Brazil is constructing a 141-foot-tall statue of Jesus Christ, which is 16 feet taller than Rio de Janeiro's famous Christ the Redeemer statue and will rank as the world's third-largest statue of the central figure in Christianity. What do you think?

Well, Jesus did always say the bigger the better.


Montel North

One-upping your neighbor on their Jesus statue is a game that doesn't end well, trust me.


Wilbur Redding

Finally, a statue that's Jesus' actual size.


Baxter Stevenson

Fyre Festival Attendees Win Class-Action Settlement

Two hundred seventy-seven Fyre Festival attendees won a $2 million settlement against organizers of the notorious 2017 luxury music experience that was canceled after the poorly planned $1-thousand-to-$12-thousand-per-ticket event resembled what some called a disaster relief camp. What do you think?

No amount of settlement money will undo the bad sandwiches they endured.


Ernest Lane

That's a nice little something to add to their trust fund.


Marta Klein

Settlement? Am I the only one still stuck in the Bahamas?


Aaron Putnam

Scientists Create Part Human, Part Monkey Embryos

Scientists have created embryos made of human and monkey cells in search of new ways to produce organs for transplant patients, with some ethicists concerned over how the science could one day be used. What do you think?

When it comes to creating chimeras, my feeling is it's best to leave those decisions to Zeus.


Quincy Thomas

Eventually, we can just clone new ethicists who agree with us.


Herman Kiefer

Study: Magic Mushrooms May Treat Depression

The results from a small clinical trial have revealed that two doses of psilocybin mushrooms appear to be as effective as the common antidepressant escitalopram in treating moderate to severe major depressive disorder when paired with psychotherapy. What do you think?

Running didn't work, so maybe I'll try annihilating my ego.


Jeremy Arnault

What solution that's been there for millions of years will science think of next?


Lauren Bogdanov

Crazy to think that drugs can be medicine.


Cathy Orr

NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars

NASA's solar-powered Ingenuity Mars Helicopter became the first aircraft in history to make a powered, controlled flight on another planet, logging a 39-second flight reaching 10 feet above the Martian surface. What do you think?

We're one step closer to monitoring Mars traffic patterns.


Jimbo Wolf

NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars

How about we focus on bringing the miracle of flight to Earth first?


Mitchell Beltran

NASA Helicopter Flies On Mars

I'm more impressed that someone flew a helicopter all the way to Mars.


Janice O’Neal

HHS Ending Trump-Era Abortion 'Gag Rule'

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has begun undoing a Trump-era ban on clinics referring women for abortions, a policy that has resulted in 1.5 million fewer women receiving care and contributed to an estimated 180,000 unintended pregnancies. What do you think?

I don't care what the government says, I'm still consulting with Donald Trump before I get an abortion.


Felipe Berry

But we can still restrict women's access to other things, right?


Vance French

I'm glad this abortion thing is finally settled.


Liz Pratt

So-Called 'Anti-Riot' Bill Signed Into Florida Law

A new anti-riot bill in Florida has been signed into law, enhancing penalties during a protest that authorities can classify as a riot in broad terms and offering civil immunity to drivers who hit protesters. What do you think?

Protesters can be effectively brutalized without this kind of overreach.


Isaac Hasan

Man, I wish there was some way to express my anger about this.


Terrance Elston

It's like I always say: innocent until proven outdoors.


Karen Soola

Study: Lack Of Sleep In Middle Age Linked To Dementia

A 25-year-long study found that people who sleep less than an average of six hours a night in middle age are 30% more likely to develop dementia when they are older. What do you think?

I definitely feel pretty out of it after a couple of restless decades.


Dylan Kander

Hopefully, two hours a night will just kill me before I have to deal with that.


Brett Lipstein

I don't know why you woke me up to tell me this.


Marvin Lazar

Steven Soderbergh Producing 'Cinematic' Oscars Ceremony

Steven Soderbergh, director of the Ocean's 11 franchise and Erin Brockovich, will be co-producing this Sunday's 93rd Academy Awards ceremony, employing several cinematic techniques to update the show and make it feel like a film. What do you think?

He's a filmmaker I trust to tell the story of wealthy people winning awards.


Seath Perry

He directed the hell out of the Academy's safety and compliance video.


Daphne Santos

Hiring an A-list director is sure to get a celebrity or two onboard.


Dean Holloway

Whole Foods Testing Palm-Scanner Payment System

Whole Foods is testing a new payment system called Amazon One that enables store registers to scan the customer's palm print, linking it to their debit or credit card as an additional contactless payment option. What do you think?

I hope my hands aren't declined for unusual activity.


Xavier Ferrell

Sounds convenient until you leave your hand at home.


Blaine Goodman

LeVar Burton To Guest Host 'Jeopardy!' After Petition

Former Reading Rainbow host and Star Trek: The Next Generation star LeVar Burton will guest host Jeopardy! this summer after a fan petition asking calling on the show to hire him garnered nearly 250,000 signatures. What do you think?

Yet they've done nothing with my petition to bring back Trebek.


Omar Hutchinson

It's about time Jeopardy! made an appeal to the nerd demographic.


Callie Vega

Civil Rights leader Bayard Rustin once said, 'If we desire a society without discrimination, then we must not discriminate against anyone in the process of building this society. If we desire a society that is democratic, then democracy must become a means as well as an end.' That's why I hope you'll sign my petition to put Brent Spiner on Match Game.


Sheila Espinoza

USDA Extends Universal Free School Lunch

The USDA has extended universal free school lunch through 2022 as part of efforts to smoothly reopen schools, bringing relief to millions of food-insecure families, particularly those hit hardest during the pandemic. What do you think?

And here I thought the USDA just did cow stuff.


Joseph Gwan

If a third-grader wants a free meal, they can join the army.


Austin Barlow

Nomadland' Wins Best Picture At Oscars

Nomadland, the epic odyssey of American itinerants living out of vans as they search for work, won Best Picture at the 93rd Academy Awards while its director Chloé Zhao became the first woman of color to win Best Director. What do you think?

Out of all the pictures I didn't see, Nomadland was definitely the best.


Claire Foster

Nomadland' Wins Best Picture At Oscars

After spending the last year looking for work, this film was exactly the bit of escapism I needed.


Keith Webber

Nomadland' Wins Best Picture At Oscars


Douglas Spence

Hair Donation Charities Overwhelmed

Some hair donation charities that make wigs for cancer patients are experiencing an influx in donations from people who delayed haircuts during the pandemic, with one charity receiving over 90 pounds of hair from one salon. What do you think?

That's okay. I just did it for the admiration.


Mia Lawton

Hair Donation Charities Overwhelmed


Evan Goldsmith

Hair Donation Charities Overwhelmed

I already asked. They refuse to make a full-body wig.


Addy Mills

E.U. Will Allow Vaccinated U.S. Tourists This Summer

According to E.U. officials, fully vaccinated American tourists will be allowed to visit countries within the European Union this summer, though there is no official timeline or approved system for determining passengers' Covid-19 vaccination status yet. What do you think?

Good. I was worried it went out of business.


Emile Hackenberg

If I can lie to the TSA about why I'm entering a country, I'm sure I can handle lying about being vaccinated.


Virgil Patalano

I can't wait to try one of those European variants I've heard so much about.


Owen Kadish

Woman Faces 21-Year-Old Felony Charges For Unreturned VHS Tape

A Texas woman was recently notified of an outstanding warrant for her arrest on felony embezzlement charges after not returning a Sabrina The Teenage Witch VHS tape 21 years ago to a now-closed rental store. What do you think?

No doubt she's made millions renting it out herself.


Woodrow Enrich

Don't forget the second charge for not rewinding.


Kim Buchanan

My lawyer says I shouldn't be talking to you about this.


Milton Lebrun

CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines

The CDC has eased the nation's outdoor mask guidelines, saying unvaccinated Americans can go maskless outside alone or with members of their household while fully vaccinated people can forego masks outside completely unless in large crowds. What do you think?

I can finally join the ranks of people who never gave a shit.


Heath Goodie

CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines


Donora Sheffield

CDC Eases Outdoor Mask Guidelines


Colin Weiss

Scammer Dated 35 Women For Birthday Gifts

A 39-year-old man in Japan was arrested for defrauding at least 35 women of almost $1,000 by telling them he wanted a serious relationship as a way to get lavish gifts for his many made-up birthdays. What do you think?

I would never take advantage of my 35 girlfriends like that.


Demetrius Hickey

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer manipulating one woman at a time.


Edna Pfeiffer

Women always go for the guys who have birthdays.


Chanda Young

Citizen Kane' Falls Below 'Paddington 2' On Rotten Tomatoes

Citizen Kane, often cited as the greatest movie of all time, lost its perfect score on film review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes after a negative 80-year-old critique demoted it below movies like Paddington 2 and The Terminator. What do you think?

Those Paddington movies were always a thinly veiled attempt at unseating Citizen Kane.


Willie Howard

A downfall worthy of Charles Foster Kane himself.


Glen Herrera

After this, I doubt Orson Welles will ever direct again.


Clyde Webb

Miami Private School Bars Vaccinated Teachers

A Miami private school is refusing to employ anyone vaccinated against Covid-19 in a decision based on debunked misinformation that says vaccinated people could transmit something harmful to students, angering parents and returning employees alike. What do you think?

Hey, those parents aren't paying $25,000 a year for the same old readily available science that the rest of us get.


Victoria Mason

It's the best way to get my kid into an unvaccinated college.


Calvin Soto

Smart move to hire staff who won't live long enough to collect signing bonuses.


Ada Quinlan

FDA To Ban Menthol Cigarettes

The FDA is taking steps to ban menthol-flavored tobacco products in a move praised by public health and civil rights groups, citing evidence that the products are more addictive than unflavored tobacco and marketed aggressively toward Black consumers. What do you think?

It's high time the FDA took action against an industry that can't afford to bribe them anymore.


Samuel Novitsky

FDA To Ban Menthol Cigarettes

Good. The flavoring in menthol cigarettes is so strong you can hardly taste the ammonia.


Carson Rabb

FDA To Ban Menthol Cigarettes

But menthols are the only ones I can get my kids to smoke!


Trent Iske

Possible Havana-Like Energy Attack Near White House

Federal agencies are investigating two possible incidents, including one near the White House last year, that appear similar to the mysterious directed-energy attacks being called Havana syndrome that caused debilitating symptoms for dozens of U.S. personnel in Cuba. What do you think?

If it were an actual weapon, the U.S. would have already known about it and used it.


Misty Ullrich

Could just be the weird energy bug that's been going around.


Felix Radecki

Not sure I want to live in a world where energy can be used for evil.


Blake Solis

SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown

Elon Musk's private space company SpaceX successfully returned four International Space Station astronauts home safely in the first nighttime splashdown since 1968. What do you think?

Nighttime is great cover for all the astronauts deeply embarrassed about being in Elon Musk's space program.


Katie Welles

SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown

I want to know why we're bringing back used astronauts in the first place.


Ryan Sandoval

SpaceX Makes Rare Nighttime Splashdown


Chris Schiele

Alaska Airlines Bans GOP State Senator

Alaska Airlines has banned Republican senator Lora Reinbold after her continued refusal to comply with its mask-wearing policy, which could cause Reinbold future complications since the airline operates the only direct flights from her district to the state capitol. What do you think?

I can get her a blimp, but it's gonna cost her.


Ann Barrass

Alaska Airlines Bans GOP State Senator

What's really shocking is that this senator hasn't bribed the right people to get her her own private jet yet.


Marc Stanko

Alaska Airlines Bans GOP State Senator

I hate when my travel experience is ruined by a loud, crying politician.


Brock Peabody

Bill And Melinda Gates Announce Divorce

Bill and Melinda Gates have announced they are splitting up after 27 years of marriage, a decision that is likely to have wide ranging effects on the worlds of philanthropy, healthcare, and business. What do you think?

This is the exact reason I decided against running a trillion-dollar business with my spouse.


Sarah Cooley

Bill And Melinda Gates Announce Divorce

Hopefully, their friendship can be sustained by their shared hatred of malaria.


Desmond Wyman

Bill And Melinda Gates Announce Divorce

I wonder who'll get custody of the economy.


Jillian McPherson

Human Composting Could Soon Be Legal In Colorado

The Colorado legislature has passed a bill legalizing the composting of human remains as an after-death alternative to burial and cremation, which is more environmentally friendly than the traditional processes. What do you think?

Sounds like Colorado is running out of things to legalize.


Arnold Bedford

I'll say I'll start composting, but I know I'll just keep putting the deceased in the trash.


Nina Vasseau

NYC Replacing Snow Days With Remote Learning

New York City education officials have announced that the nation's largest school district will not be having any snow days in the next school year, and instead will be providing remote learning during severe weather. What do you think?

As long as the curriculum includes shoveling driveways and salting sidewalks.


Dan Atherton

So when the fuck is my kid supposed to learn that snow is fun?


Emiliano Trotter

Weekends are also days off that they could spend learning remotely.


Sylvester Pearl

Tiffany Debuts Engagement Rings For Men

Tiffany & Co. debuted its first-ever men's engagement ring, as it attempts to tap into a new market for its high-end jewelry amid a rise in same-sex marriages globally and gender-fluid fashion trends. What do you think?

Huh. I guess women aren't the only ones getting married anymore.


Keenan Ainsworth

Tiffany Debuts Engagement Rings For Men


Marjorie Sisson

Tiffany Debuts Engagement Rings For Men

I just wish every company would be more accepting of doubling their market share.


Ida Huxley

Facebook Board Upholds Trump Suspension

Facebook's oversight board ruled the social media platform was justified in blocking former President Trump for violating its community standards relating to misinformation and the Capitol riot, but ordered Facebook to decide a determinate penalty. What do you think?

Six months is plenty of time to figure out how to justify letting Trump return to Facebook.


Hudson Doss

Facebook Board Upholds Trump Suspension

Then how will I get instructions for the next insurrection?


Josiah Burch

Facebook Board Upholds Trump Suspension

His notifications are going to be insane if he ever gets back.


Jaden McGrath

Tiger King' Star Launches Cat-Themed Cryptocurrency

Tiger King star Carole Baskin has launched a new cat-themed digital currency called $CAT, which allows fans to buy merchandise or online experiences from her Florida animal sanctuary. What do you think?

I've lost so much money on crypto this year, I'd be stupid not to try to make it all back with this coin.


Wes Garrity

Everyone's grieving process after murdering their husband looks different.


Priscilla Jones

Wasn't it money that got her into this whole mess in the first place?


Jason Wolf

Federal Judge Strikes Down Eviction Moratorium

A federal judge struck down the CDC's national eviction moratorium established last year to aid those facing economic hardship due to the COVID-19 pandemic, calling it an overreach of power in a ruling that potentially risks millions of Americans losing their homes. What do you think?

Good, the CDC had no right to get between me and homelessness.


Allison Balloch

I'm glad we're finally starting to roll back some Trump-era policies.


Stefan Gault

This is a reassuring sign that America is returning to normal.


Kate McCabe

Belgian Farmer Accidentally Moves French Border

A Belgian farmer inadvertently redrew his country's border with France by moving a 200-year-old stone border marker into French territory to create a path for his tractor, which gave Belgium an extra 1,000 square meters. What do you think?

Will the world act, or did it learn nothing from appeasing Hitler?


Corey Jenkins

France knew the risks when they didn't colonize Belgium.


Dave D’Amara

Eh, I screw around with the Ohio-Indiana border all the time.


Oswald Dell

Kentucky Derby Winner Fails Drug Test

The team behind this year's Kentucky Derby winner, Medina Spirit, stands to lose their $1.86 million prize after the horse failed a post-race drug test for steroids. What do you think?

I guess that five-gallon drum of detoxifying tea didn't work.


Crystal Sinclair

Kentucky Derby Winner Fails Drug Test


Drew Jeffries

Kentucky Derby Winner Fails Drug Test

Oh, no. I borrowed his urine for a test of my own.


Hershel Kern

U.S. Adds Far Fewer Jobs Than Expected In April

The U.S. economy added only 266,000 of the 1 million jobs economists forecasted for April, causing concern that the economic recovery is slowing despite the vaccine rollout and businesses reopening. What do you think?

I'm sure employers are just taking time to make sure returning employees are safe, comfortable, and well-compensated.


Gloria Lopez

It's not about the quantity. It's about the quality, which also sucks.


Ethan Jos

I'm looking for someone to give me oboe lessons if you want to add that to the list.


Ian Laird

Hackers Shut Down Major U.S. Fuel Pipeline

According to authorities, hacker group DarkSide is responsible for the ransomware attack that shut down one of the country's largest fuel pipelines, an event that highlights the vulnerabilities in the country's aging infrastructure. What do you think?

America's infrastructure may be old, but it must be worth something if people are willing to hold it hostage.


Scott Pickett

And just where are oil companies supposed to get the money to update their cybersecurity?


Annabelle Myers

I don't know, I think there's some charm to having antique infrastructure.


Brandon Pierson

Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes In Protest

Tom Cruise has returned his three Golden Globe awards for Jerry Maguire, Magnolia, and Born On The Fourth Of July, in protest of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's lack of diversity and questionable ethics. What do you think?

Wow, he does his own publicity stunts, too!


Sigmund Noyes

Mailing them my high school perfect attendance award in solidarity.


Iman Horner

I fear this situation could escalate into utter chaos like it did a few years back in the People's Republic of Choice, formerly the People's Choice Awards.


Darius Goff

Woman Gives Birth To 9 Babies

A 25-year-old Malian woman has given birth to nine babies in Morocco after only expecting seven, in what could set a new world record. What do you think?

At least she's getting the first nine out of the way all at once.


Riley Tilton

Woman Gives Birth To 9 Babies


Helene Russel

Woman Gives Birth To 9 Babies

That'll be perfect for any 'Buy nine sandwiches, get the 10th free' situations.


Edith Flood

First Genetically Modified Mosquitoes Released In U.S.

Genetically modified mosquitoes have been released for the first time in the U.S. as part of a pilot program in the Florida Keys to reduce the spread of deadly diseases like dengue, yellow fever, and Zika virus. What do you think?

I hope they're labeled so consumers can make an informed choice.


Clarence McIntosh

It makes sense to keep the last few years of the Florida Keys as disease-free as possible.


Fernando Stubbs

I always knew the solution to mosquitoes would be more mosquitoes.


Yesenia Farrar

GOP Removes Liz Cheney From Leadership Post

House Republicans voted to remove Rep. Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair over her opposition of former president Trump and not supporting his false claims about the presidential election being stolen. What do you think?

Hopefully, this doesn't tarnish the family's good name.


Maynard Lopez

I think her brand of Republicanism will take off if she can just hold on until 2005.


Donnell Burdick

Rock & Rock Hall Of Fame Announces 2021 Inductees

JAY-Z, the Go-Go's, and Tina Turner are among this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees, the most diverse lineup in the organization's history. What do you think?

As if these legends needed an excuse to party in Cleveland, Ohio!


Hiram Foy

I'm glad more women and people of color are earning pointless accolades.


Janice Piatt

Huh, there must have been some issue with the demo I sent them.


Deidre O’Roark

Ohio Offers $1 Million Lottery To Boost Vaccinations

Ohio will award five vaccinated adult residents $1 million each in a bid to address vaccine hesitancy in the state, with those eligible having received at least one dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. What do you think?

And there I was a few weeks ago getting vaccinated with no incentive, like a sucker.


Stanley Iverson

It's actually not that much money after converting it from Ohio to U.S. currency.


Harrison Jojola

As a fervent anti-vaxxer with a crippling gambling addiction, I'm conflicted.


Jenna Quan

Tourist Left Dangling After Winds Break Glass Bridge

A tourist was temporarily stuck clinging to a 330-foot-high glass suspension bridge in Northeast China when gale-force winds swept away several panels, raising public concern over the safety of other glass bridges and viewing decks. What do you think?

Well, then I guess it's back to rope bridges.


Don Elsbree

To be fair, who could've expected something as rare as wind?


Jimmy Ciccone

But I like being able to look down at where my body will make impact.


Adam Gara

NRA Denied Bankruptcy Claim

A federal judge has blocked the National Rifle Association from filing for bankruptcy protection, ruling that it was a bad-faith attempt to fend off a lawsuit by the New York attorney general for financial abuses. What do you think?

Huh, I thought my membership dues went toward paying off judges.


Joel Perez

NRA Denied Bankruptcy Claim

This threatens my right as an American to be fleeced by a non-profit.


Amanda Hogue

NRA Denied Bankruptcy Claim

You just gonna take that lying down, NRA?


Alistair Reade

South Carolina Adds Firing Squad As Execution Option

A new South Carolina law will force death row inmates to choose between execution by electric chair or firing squad as lawmakers attempt to cope with a shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?


Emily Barr

I'm glad they're taking steps to curb drug use in prison.


Bill Windham

This is good news for people who are afraid of needles.


Brooke Merlan

Possible Lightning Strike Kills 18 Wild Elephants

Indian authorities have launched an inquiry after a herd of 18 Asiatic elephants were found dead in Assam, with a preliminary report stating that lightning strikes were a possible cause. What do you think?

This is why you should never stand near an elephant during a thunderstorm.


Rex Perry

Same thing happened to a buddy of mine's 18 elephants.


Tom Lobin

Looks to me like we've got another elephant serial killer on the loose.


James Koons

Texas Moves To Ban Words 'Beef,' 'Meat' From Plant-Based Food Labels

Texas state lawmakers have approved a bill prohibiting foods that don't contain animal products from using words like meat or beef on their labels in an effort to prevent misleading consumers. What do you think?

Jesus, I don't know what I'd do if I were tricked into eating a vegetable.


Trevor McInnes

Would also be helpful to add 'food' to labels, so I knew whether to eat it or not.


Natasha Haswell

The last thing I want to think about while I'm eating is what's in my food.


Delores Rojas

Supreme Court To Hear Abortion Rights Challenge

The Supreme Court agreed to hear a case concerning a Mississippi law banning abortion after 15 weeks of pregnancy, giving the majority conservative court an opportunity to pare back constitutional rights set in Roe v. Wade. What do you think?

I didn't move to Mississippi for freedom and equality.


Walter Arndt

I'm glad Trump's nominees mumbled stuff about having an open mind at their confirmations.


Abner Velasco

It's true, we Americans enjoy far too many rights.


Sonja Vanhorn

Twitter Planning Paid Subscription Service

Twitter is reportedly rolling out a $3 per month subscription model called Twitter Blue that would offer users exclusive services such as saving and organizing favorite tweets as well as undoing tweets. What do you think?

I guess I'm accustomed to useless things being free.


Brett Medlock

Twitter has already taken everything else from me, so what's a few extra bucks a month?


Ben Nesbitt

McConnell Opposes Bipartisan January 6 Commission

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell announced his opposition to forming an independent commission that would investigate the January 6th riot at the U.S. Capitol and make recommendations to prevent another insurrection. What do you think?

Let it go, man, that insurrection was weeks ago.


Breanna Thorne

I wish people would stop politicizing the fact that Republicans in Congress aided the insurrection.


Alwyn Mackenzie

If McConnell isn't careful, he risks getting the reputation of being difficult to work with.


Linda Young

Anti-Asian Hate Crimes Bill Signed Into Law

President Biden signed legislation focused on aggressively investigating hate crimes, especially those targeting Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, amid a dramatic increase during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?

I don't understand why Biden is getting all the praise when Trump brought this issue to the forefront.


Andrew Berube

I hope our nation's violent racists were watching the signing ceremony.


Eugene Jernigan

Asian Americans deserve just as much vapid lip service from politicians like any other demographic.


Gregory Quintana

Texas Bans Abortions As Early As 6 Weeks Into Pregnancy

Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a bill into law barring most abortions at the onset of a fetal heartbeat, which can occur as early as six weeks into pregnancy and before many people know they are pregnant. What do you think?

Why would you need to know you're pregnant before getting an abortion?


Tristan Frick

To be on the safe side, women should just get an abortion once every three weeks.


Cassie Emmons

Shh! Oh, never mind. I thought for a second I heard a fetal heartbeat and my life was ruined.


Esmé Ayres

Simone Biles Lands Historic Vault

Five-time Olympic medalist Simone Biles landed a Yurchenko double pike, a challenging vault never before accomplished by a female gymnast in competition. What do you think?

That doesn't change the fact she hasn't won anything at the Olympics since 2016.


Aaron Danson

Simone Biles Lands Historic Vault

I feel bad for all the poor souls before her who never came back down.


Cole Vickers

Simone Biles Lands Historic Vault

I didn't realize gymnasts competed outside of the Olympics.


Ray Newkirk

World's Largest Iceberg Breaks Off From Antarctica

An iceberg bigger than the state of Rhode Island has broken off the Ronne ice shelf in a natural event called calving unattributed to climate change, making the iceberg the largest in the world. What do you think?

If scientists move fast, they can probably still reattach it.


Ismail Ott

I'm really only interested if the iceberg is a grim portent of things to come.


Adam Nelms

Alabama Overturns Ban On Yoga In Schools

Alabama has ended a decades-long ban on teaching yoga in public schools, a measure that will still prohibit chanting and using Sanskrit names for poses in addition to requiring a permission slip from parents acknowledging yoga's connection to Hinduism. What do you think?

I'm just impressed that Alabama's teaching anything.


Felix Gillespie

A sense of wellbeing has no place in our public school system.


Ellen Baca

That ought to keep them limber for active shooter drills.


Karen Leal

Belarus 'Hijacks' Plane To Arrest Journalist

The Belarus government forced a flight traveling through its airspace from Athens to Lithuania to land in order to arrest a dissident journalist who was on board, sparking international outrage with some labeling it a state-sponsored hijacking. What do you think?

It's absolutely unconscionable that a country's leader would use his power to inconvenience so many travelers.


Miles Connolly

At least he got to be the first one off the plane.


Ezekiel Werner

How else will Belarus increase tourism if not by force?


Daniella Benson

Biden, Putin To Hold Summit In Geneva

President Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin will meet next month in Geneva amid escalating tensions that include Russian cyberattacks, election interference, and the poisoning and detainment of Alexei Navalny. What do you think?

I wonder what they'll pretend to talk about.


Ravi Tharoor

Biden, Putin To Hold Summit In Geneva

Meeting celebrities is just another perk of becoming president.


Guillermo Miller

Biden, Putin To Hold Summit In Geneva

Now the world will finally see who's taller.


Ty Cherney

11-Year-Old Used 'SVU' Tip To Mark Attacker

An 11-year-old credited watching episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit for her quick thinking when she marked a knife-wielding man attempting to kidnap her with blue-dyed slime as a way for authorities to identify him. What do you think?

That settles it. From now on, my kid can watch whatever the hell she wants.


Phoebe Budryk

I knew those 934 hours I've chosen to spend with Olivia Benson weren't a waste.


Dion Lansky

I guess I do get a little suspicious when I see someone walking around covered in slime.


Mike Devereaux

Amazon Buys MGM For $8.45B

Amazon has announced it will buy MGM Studios and its library of over 4,000 films for $8.45 billion in a move aimed at bolstering its offerings against streaming competitors. What do you think?

I also bought a bunch of dumb shit after my divorce.


Alexis Penny

Amazon Buys MGM For $8.45B

I was just thinking that if I could change one thing about Amazon, it would be this.


Todd Seville

Amazon Buys MGM For $8.45B

I can't wait until the next Bond movie where he takes down an insidious union conspiracy.


Ryan Brooks

CDC Warns Against Kissing, Snuggling Backyard Poultry

The CDC recently issued an advisory after an increase in reported salmonella cases across the country, warning backyard farmers against getting too close to poultry in ways that could easily spread germs, like kissing or snuggling. What do you think?

The hardest part of poultry farming is all the temptation.


Joey McNeese

Not a problem, my chickens and I are taking it slow.


Jerod Felton

John Cena Apologizes To China For Calling Taiwan A Country

Actor and wrestler John Cena has released an apology video to fans in China after referring to Taiwan as a country in an interview, which sparked controversy due to China viewing the island as an illegitimate breakaway province. What do you think?

I'm still waiting for my apology after the time I spent $12 to see The Marine.


Cara Piro

That's because Taiwan isn't just a country. It's a lifestyle. A philosophy. A mindset.


Francis King

Oh no. Misclassifying Taiwan's geopolitical status is one of the telltale early warning signs of CTE.


Patrick Meek

University Names College Of Fine Arts After Chadwick Boseman

Howard University has renamed its College of Fine Arts after the late actor Chadwick Boseman, who was an alumnus of the school and its 2018 commencement speaker. What do you think?


John Yankov

Do we really want our nation's youth looking up to the dead?


Alice Fresnu

This is a great way to remind acting students they'll never be as successful or talented as Chadwick Boseman.


Hakeem Vitanza

Instagram Bans Adults From Messaging Teens Who Don't Follow Them

Instagram has banned adults from directly messaging teenagers who don't follow them, in addition to other safety prompts, in an effort to make the platform safer for young users. What do you think?

No point in wasting a predator's time with a teen who's not that into them in the first place.


Justin Buchmeier

Fortunately, the teens I follow employ cross-platform content strategies.


Gale Jenkins

I think it's good to have rules protecting our children from the laziest pedophiles.


Kevin Meeks

Promoter Offers $18 Tickets To Vaccinated Concertgoers, Charges Unvaccinated $1,000

A Florida promoter is offering vaccinated concertgoers $18 tickets to an upcoming punk show while charging unvaccinated people $1,000 per ticket, saying that it's for safety and to encourage people to get vaccinated. What do you think?

If there's one thing anti-vaxxers can't resist, it's live music at a steep discount.


Samuel Garcia

How much does it cost if you lie about being vaccinated?


Hannah Arenado

I'd tell everyone at the concert I'm not vaccinated just to look rich.


Jeff Stover

Texas Governor Threatens No Pay After Democrats Block Voter Restrictions

Texas governor Greg Abbott says he intends to withhold paychecks to state lawmakers after House Democrats staged a walkout to block voting restrictions that would cut back polling hours and access to mail-in voting. What do you think?

Can he do that? Or does that kind of question not exist anymore?


Cedric Lomax

Wage garnishment has always been my favorite step in the lawmaking process.


Carolyn Tejeda

Good, state legislators can't go around skipping votes like some sort of congressman.


Marcus Lander

Nashville Hat Shop Apologizes For 'Not Vaccinated' Yellow Star Of David

A Nashville hat shop garnered widespread condemnation over the sale of yellow badges shaped like the Star of David with the words Not Vaccinated, apologizing and removing the badges after several businesses, including Stetson, severed ties. What do you think?

Nothing says 'oppressed' like voluntarily purchasing a product and proudly displaying it.


Hector Siegel

To be fair, there are only so many shape and color combinations to use for badges.


Siobhan Little

The store's regret over losing all their suppliers seems very sincere.


Abe Kelso

Covid-19 Variants Given Greek Alphabet Names To Avoid Stigma

The WHO has announced that they will be implementing a new system to name Covid-19 variants after letters of the Greek alphabet to avoid stigmatizing the regions in which they were first identified. What do you think?

If there's one thing that quells xenophobes, it's using a foreign language.


Bennett Figueroa

Don't worry, I can find a way to make it offensive.


Deanna Cho

Scientists just love to lord their knowledge of multiple alphabets over the common man.


Eddie Kruse

Trump Shuts Down Blog Due To Low Readership

The blog that former President Trump launched less than a month ago after being banned from social media platforms has been permanently shuttered due to low readership. What do you think?

It did lack the juicy, salacious little tidbits that President Carter's blog serves.


Ella Rayford

He should've gotten to the recipe faster.


Josiah Serota

I worship him, but not enough to stray from my usual social media routine.


Eduardo Coren

Texas Valedictorian Goes Off-Script To Condemn State's Abortion Ban

A Dallas high school valedictorian went off-script from her pre-approved graduation speech to protest the state's new law banning abortions after six weeks of pregnancy and making no exceptions for rape or incest. What do you think?

The four or five classmates paying attention were probably stunned.


Kendrick Smith

I remember the days when I thought my opinion mattered, too.


Josh Bapley

US Troops Accidentally Storm Bulgarian Sunflower Oil Factory

The U.S. military has issued an apology after paratroopers accidentally raided a working sunflower oil factory that they mistook for part of a NATO training area during an exercise in Bulgaria last month. What do you think?

I'm just proud of our boys for resisting the lure of a factory tour.


Lily Ceruolo

It's really not like the U.S. military to be so careless.


Russ Galilel

Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Birth Of Second Child

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have announced the birth of their second child, a daughter named Lilibet Lili Diana as a tribute to both Queen Elizabeth II and Princess Diana. What do you think?


Alvaro Ticchi

The things people will do to stay relevant.


Sharla Reis

It's always touching when a grandchild is given a messed-up version of your name.


Theodore Dawson

United Plans Supersonic Flights By 2029

United Airlines has announced a deal to buy 15 supersonic jets with plans to carry passengers on flights traveling faster than the speed of sound by 2029, nearly two decades after the grounding of the Concorde. What do you think?

Wow, just imagine how fast the delays will be on those flights.


Antonia Konheim

United Plans Supersonic Flights By 2029

But I won't have enough time to really savor my complimentary V8.


Jamar Phillips

United Plans Supersonic Flights By 2029

I think I'll wait until this country figures out trains first.


Edgar Pradhan

Jeff Bezos Going To Space

Multi-billionaire and soon-to-be-former Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will be aboard the first human flight operated by his aerospace company, Blue Origin, traveling with his brother and the winner of an online auction. What do you think?

And here I thought he couldn't possibly be further removed from the average American.


Simone Gadbois

Jeff Bezos Going To Space

And people say Amazon employees don't get vacation time.


DeAndre Romney

Jeff Bezos Going To Space

I guess you can be the richest man in the world and still have to go on vacation with your family.


Susannah Walcutt

Arizona To Use Auschwitz Gas On Death Row

Arizona has refurbished a gas chamber to use hydrogen cyanide, the deadly gas used during the genocide perpetrated by the Nazis at Auschwitz and other extermination camps, on death row inmates. What do you think?


Rolando Balson

You just know the woke left will try to argue that this is something the Nazis would do.


Monte Breznay

It must be a relief to have so much strong data on its effectiveness.


Chet Pavlak

Feds Recover $2 Million From Pipeline Ransomware Hackers

Federal authorities have recovered more than $2 million of the $4.4 million ransom paid in cryptocurrency to Russian hackers who shut down a major fuel pipeline last month, marking the first seizure by a new digital extortion task force. What do you think?

And yet, the money's recovery from its trauma is only beginning.


Stacey Muthart

Good, they can put it toward the next hacker's ransom.


Shelton Faucett

I've got a few pending Venmo requests myself.


Claude Kasson

Judge Overturns Assault Weapons Ban, Likens AR-15 To Swiss Army Knife

A California federal judge has overturned the state's 32-year-old ban on assault weapons, likening the AR-15 to a Swiss army knife that could be used for both home and battle. What do you think?

Any mass murderer worth their salt knows a Swiss army knife is the superior weapon.


Michael Keyes

This is exactly what I've been trying to explain to all the people I shot.


Reyna Van Doren

No one should have that much tooth-picking power.


Dion Jaber

U.S. To Donate 500 Million Doses Of Covid Vaccine Globally

The U.S. will purchase 500 million doses of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine to donate to 92 low-income countries and the African Union over the next year as pressure intensifies for wealthy countries to share their surplus. What do you think?

If we keep bailing them out, they'll never learn for themselves how to manufacture the vaccine that we prohibited them from manufacturing.


Austin Coluccy

That's good because I wouldn't feel safe invading some of these countries in their current state.


Marsha Hill

This runs the risk of letting potentially millions of foreigners survive.


STEVEN BELL

Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of 'Sea Snot' On Record

Turkey's Marmara Sea is experiencing the largest ever outbreak of sea snot, a slimy layer of mucilage caused by rising temperatures and algae overloaded with pollutants, threatening marine life and risking a possible disease outbreak. What do you think?

I've been dumping Sudafed into the ocean for years just to avoid this very thing.


Katrina Cossentino

I feel like a jackass—I said the last outbreak of sea snot on the Marmara was the biggest there'd ever be.


Rudolf Kober

Keystone XL Pipeline Project Officially Terminated

The developer of the Keystone XL Pipeline has announced it is abandoning the controversial $8 billion project after the Biden administration revoked a key cross-border permit in January, marking a major win for environmentalists. What do you think?

I guess any one person who happens to be the president really can make a difference.


Zana Downing

It's time to shift away from oil and focus on innovative alternatives for ruining the environment.


Theo Sudbury

Wow, imagine wasting all those years fighting against something that never ended up getting made.


Owen Vogel

El Salvador First Country To Make Bitcoin Legal Tender

El Salvador has become the first country to approve Bitcoin as legal tender, with President Bukele claiming it will increase financial inclusion for the 70% of residents without bank accounts, despite critics warning of the cryptocurrency's high volatility. What do you think?

If being embraced by an autocrat doesn't legitimize bitcoin, I don't know what will.


Sid Abdullah

Yeah, I thought bitcoin would help me get rich too.


Patricia Becker

They're only denying themselves the sheer delight found in designing one's own checks.


Kirk Daugherty

Israel's Parliament Ousts Netanyahu

Israel's parliament, the 120-member Knesset, narrowly voted in favor of a new coalition government, ending the historic 12-year rule of Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu who was succeeded by far-right politician Naftali Bennett. What do you think?

Finally, a leader with a different name, height, and hair color.


Garth Borman

Israel's Parliament Ousts Netanyahu

Spending 12 years in the same job without being promoted doesn't look good on a resume.


Velma Tio

Israel's Parliament Ousts Netanyahu

Did they ask America if it's okay first?


Vince Niedermaier

Retired Nun Embezzles $835,000 To Fund Gambling Habit

A retired nun faces up to 40 years in prison after she admitted to embezzling $835,000 from a Catholic school in California, using tuition fees and donations to subsidize her casino gambling expenses. What do you think?

This never would have happened if God had just staked her the 800 grand like she prayed for.


Charles Ruthenberg

I'd take a vow of poverty for that kind of money.


Hope Caneza

Hey, as long as the money was diverted from Catholicism.


Jerry Flores

10,000 Volunteers Quit Tokyo Olympic Games

Around 10,000 volunteers have quit the Tokyo 2020 Olympics in recent weeks amid rising concerns over holding the games during a pandemic with less than 3% of Japan's population vaccinated. What do you think?

That negative attitude is exactly why they're Olympic volunteers and not Olympic athletes.


Lisa Kabrick

Don't they understand that there's televised ad revenue to be had?


Cameron Bastillo

I'm sick of us bending over backwards to not kill people.


Ginny Lee

5th Ocean Added To World Map

The National Geographic Society has officially recognized the Southern Ocean, which surrounds Antarctica, as the world's fifth ocean, marking the first time in over a century that the organization has redrawn the world's oceanic maps. What do you think?

We'll have to make sure it gets its own garbage patch.


Jose Lefferts

5th Ocean Added To World Map

I always knew there was water down there.


Russell Powell

5th Ocean Added To World Map

Aw, man. I was hoping for a new continent.


Skip Hayman

Girl Scouts Have Millions Of Unsold Cookies

The Girl Scouts have reported that 15 million boxes of cookies have gone unsold this year, a surplus caused by the absence of in-person sales due to the Covid-19 pandemic and a drop in membership. What do you think?

I'm going to get high and do the best I can.


Conrad DiGiorgi

There must be other ways we can still exploit this child labor force.


Dana Madamba

Sure, blame Covid and not those shortbread cookies nobody likes.


Beatrix Minardi

Banned Olympic Runner Claims Burrito Caused Positive Steroid Test

U.S. Olympic runner Shelby Houlihan has been given a four-year ban from the sport after the Athletics Integrity Unit rejected her claim that a contaminated pork burrito she ate caused her positive steroid test. What do you think?

Burritos are the cause of a lot of my problems too.


Jeffrey Overholt

It could have also been the steroids I gave her.


Horace Delph

I don't buy it. I saw no distinct outline of a burrito protruding from her drum-tight runner's abdomen.


Kim Pickell

Juneteenth Becomes Federal Holiday

President Biden has signed the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, making June 19 a federal holiday to commemorate the day in 1865 when the last enslaved African Americans in Texas were granted their freedom. What do you think?

See? There's always a silver lining to every crime against humanity.


Virgil McCain

Juneteenth Becomes Federal Holiday


Colin Sero

Juneteenth Becomes Federal Holiday

Good. I'd prefer to process my white guilt over a long weekend at my lake house.


Colby Anselm

Texas Congressman Suggests Altering Moon's Orbit To Fight Climate Change

Texas GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert suggested in a recent congressional hearing that altering the moon's orbit could combat climate change, asking a U.S. Forest Service official whether there was any way the agency could do it. What do you think?


Penny Kaiser

Well, skeptics laughed when we built the moon in the first place.


Horatio Pikes

God, he's stupid. Moving the sun would do it so much faster.


Conrad Dieng

Lobster Diver Survives Being Trapped In Whale's Mouth

A lobster diver in Cape Cod was nearly swallowed by a humpback whale after being scooped up in its mouth, where he says he was trapped for 30 seconds before being spat back out, suffering minor injuries. What do you think?

Well, did he find lobsters in there or not?


Nigel Rennels

I hope the diver is okay. That kind of rejection can be truly painful.


Shelby Cook

Like he's the first guy to get swallowed in Provincetown.


Antoine Reese

Supreme Court Rules Against NCAA In Student Athlete Compensation Case

The Supreme Court has decided unanimously against the NCAA limiting compensation to student athletes, ruling it a violation of antitrust laws and allowing schools to offer athletes unlimited compensation as long as it's connected to education. What do you think?

I've always wanted to see which players truly love the game and which are just in it for the free textbooks.


Noel Konopacky

I don't believe 18-year-olds need another opportunity to be more successful than me.


Mindy Huntington

The yearbook staff also really needs a new scanner.


Tyesha Wright

Cristiano Ronaldo Snub Causes $5 Billion Drop In Coca-Cola Market Value

Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo removed two bottles of Coca-Cola from a table and opted for water during a Euro 2020 press conference, causing the market value of Coca-Cola to drop by $5 billion in less than a week. What do you think?

I didn't even know they still made water.


Teddy Sundholm

Well, now I have to find out if this new 'water' beverage lives up to the hype.


Cedric Hanes

It doesn't really matter in the end because water is owned by Coke.


Jodi Mayard

Nicaraguan Police Arrest 5th Presidential Candidate

Nicaragua's National Police have arrested a fifth presidential candidate, bringing the total number of opposition leaders detained for vague national security violations ahead of the November general election against current President Daniel Ortega to 15. What do you think?

Now, who wouldn't want to reelect a decisive leader like that?


Jayson Trussler

Interesting. In the U.S., locking up opposing candidates is always an unkept promise.


Demetrius Natwick

At least they'll all have something to talk about in jail.


Pearl Silcox

White House: U.S. To Miss July 4 Covid-19 Vaccination Goal

The White House has confirmed that the U.S. will fall short of President Biden's goal to have 70% of the population at least partially vaccinated against Covid-19 by July 4, saying that number will most likely be achieved by mid-July. What do you think?

I don't know if we can trust a president who fails to reach his arbitrary milestones.


Aaron Tope

Mid to late July works better for my schedule anyways.


Roderick Loche

What kind of sucker puts their faith in the American public?


Scot Farstvedt

153 Hospital Employees Fired, Resign Over Covid-19 Vaccine Mandate

Over 150 employees at a Houston hospital system who refused to get the Covid-19 vaccine have resigned or been fired after a judge dismissed an employee lawsuit over the hospital's vaccine requirement. What do you think?

Something tells me they'll be back at the hospital soon enough.


Dot Huner

It must be agonizing to choose between getting fired and immunity from Covid.


Tyrell Brems

Who better to handle contracting the Delta variant than experienced hospital staff?


Shawn Hermson

First Transgender Athlete To Compete In Olympics

New Zealand's Laurel Hubbard will be the first openly transgender athlete to compete in the Olympics for the women's weightlifting team, which some critics are calling unfair, despite Hubbard meeting stringent IOC requirements that include testosterone levels. What do you think?

It was only a matter of time before women would be allowed to compete in the Olympics.


Peter Reams

The only important thing is that she brings home medals. Oh, those gleaming medals. How they shimmer and dance. Medals!


Tyler Chantha

Rudy Giuliani's Law License Suspended For Trump Election Lies

Rudy Giuliani's law license has been suspended in New York state after an appellate court found that he made demonstrably false and misleading statements about the 2020 election. What do you think?

Why even bother becoming a lawyer if you're not allowed to lie?


Mitchell Lanfair

Don't worry, I have a feeling he'll be back in a courtroom soon enough.


Marjorie Estranza

Maybe now he won't feel so constrained in his future press appearances.


Arielle Jensen

Man Who Fathered 98 Children With 39 Women Dies

An Indian man believed to have headed the world's largest family while leading a Christian sect that allowed polygamy for men in the northeastern state of Mizoram, has died, leaving behind 39 wives and 98 children. What do you think?

I guess this just proves that there's somebody out there for every few dozen people.


Preston Midenhall

I hope those 39 women will one day find a nice guy to remarry.


Janaye Daste

Fan Holding Sign Causes Major Tour De France Crash

A fan attempting to get the sign she was holding on camera stepped onto the Tour de France track, hitting a cyclist and causing a major crash that took out nearly an entire peloton of riders during the first stage of the three-week-long race. What do you think?

Bicyclists always think they own the road.


John Roscoe

I'm sure her next sign will include an apology.


Bryce Papadopoulos

Maybe now they will finally invest in a Jumbotron.


Scotty Erskine

Trump Organization Expected To Face Criminal Charges

The Manhattan district attorney's office has informed former President Donald Trump's lawyers that it is considering criminal charges against his family business in connection with fringe benefits the company awarded a top executive. What do you think?

I look forward to the extremely prolonged and disappointing outcome.


Spencer Zalecki

Where are they going to get a jail cell that fits all of Trump Tower?


Florence Evasco

Dragon Man' Fossil May Represent Modern Human's Closest Ancestor

Scientists in China say they have discovered a fossil from a previously unknown species of human, nicknamed Dragon Man, that dates back more than 140,000 years and could be more closely related to Homo sapiens than Neanderthals. What do you think?

Imagine how embarrassed he must be to be related to humans.


Chester Ruyter

I knew once I made a bit of money I'd have distant relatives coming out of the woodwork.


Raul Camus

George Clooney Launching High School Film Program

George Clooney, along with other Hollywood A-listers, is launching a new Los Angeles magnet school to train teenagers from marginalized communities in cinematography and other technical film jobs as part of an effort to diversify the industry. What do you think?

Someday, they might even get the chance to film George Clooney half-ass his way through a political thriller.


Joyce Bedard

While technical film jobs aren't the most glamorous, they are some of the least lucrative.


Ivan Henninger

Great, as if we really needed more kids with dreams.


Ned Leamon

Study: Half Of U.S. Cosmetics Contain Toxic 'Forever Chemicals'

A recent study found more than half of U.S. cosmetics contain forever chemicals, toxic industrial compounds called PFAS, that are linked to cancer and reduced birth weight, with the highest levels found in waterproof mascara and long-lasting lipstick. What do you think?

I just hope women realize that they don't need to wear a ton of makeup to get cancer.


Tyson Santiago

You can't tell how upset I am because this mascara is amazing.


Priyanka Hodges

Man Arrested For Stealing 21 Tons Of Pistachios

A California man has been arrested for allegedly stealing 21 tons of pistachio nuts valued at over $100,000 from an agricultural company, with authorities eventually finding the nuts hidden inside a nearby trailer and already packaged for resale. What do you think?

Imagine the work that went into filing the serial numbers off that many nuts.


Donato Strowd

That's the kind of illicit pistachio bust that'll get you promoted to sergeant.


Gene Damianczyk

I can't believe the garbage bag of loose pistachios I bought on the side of the road was stolen.


Keenan Rodrigo

Bill Cosby's Sexual Assault Conviction Overturned

Bill Cosby's sexual assault conviction has been overturned, freeing him from prison after Pennsylvania courts found a technicality preventing him from being charged in the case. What do you think?

That should make him think twice before engaging in decades-long predatory behavior.


Basil Crenshaw

Whew! Our legal system almost forgot who it served for a minute there.


Xander Hayes

Flying Car Completes 35-Minute Test Flight

A new hybrid car-aircraft prototype, which can transform from plane to road vehicle in under three minutes, has completed a 35-minute flight between two airports in Slovakia. What do you think?

This is perfect for people who want to die in something more expensive than a car accident.


Andy Perez

Looks like my drunk driving just got a fresh new angle.


Hester Brooks

Finally, I can choose between being stuck in traffic or delayed due to weather.


James Arnodt

U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

This Fourth of July marks the 245th year of our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?

Pointing right back at the Uncle Sam poster I hung in my garage.


William Cox

U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

Staring emotionlessly at a lit sparkler.


Jessica Gonzales

U.S. Celebrates Independence Day

I'm gonna absolutely terrorize this British guy from work.


Sarah Richardson

Supreme Court Upholds Arizona Voting Restrictions

The Supreme Court upheld Arizona's voting restrictions, which experts say will limit the ability of minorities to challenge state laws in the future that they say are discriminatory under the Voting Rights Act. What do you think?

If only there was some other branch of the federal government that could also take actions that impact our nation's voting laws.


Robert Ellis

If voters don't like this, they can make their voices heard in increasingly dwindling and meaningless ways.


Michael Dicecco

There's no way Samuel Alito wins reelection after a decision like this.


Ruth Perry

Joey Chestnut Breaks Own Hot Dog Eating Record

Defending world champion Joey Chestnut broke his own record Sunday, devouring 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes, 26 more than the second-place finisher in the Nathan's Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest. What do you think?

I fear that one day he will eat all of them and leave the rest of us with nothing.


Dwight McEnnis

I wonder if I have any gross habits that I could turn into a career.


Elliot Petrizzo

I also find little to savor in a Nathan's hot dog.


Randall Arnspiger

Bezos Steps Down As Amazon CEO

Jeff Bezos officially stepped down as Amazon's CEO on Monday to focus on other projects, like his space exploration company Blue Origin, but will remain the e-commerce company's executive chairman and largest shareholder. What do you think?

I'm impressed he stayed as long as he did. I've heard the working conditions there are terrible.


Rosaline Barrentine

Bezos Steps Down As Amazon CEO


Dexter Callo

Bezos Steps Down As Amazon CEO

Properly abandoning the human race is going to require all of his concentration and energy.


Douglass Leonetti

Study: 4-Day Work Week Doesn't Hurt Productivity

A study conducted by researchers in Iceland found that a four-day work week without a pay cut improved workers' well-being and productivity. What do you think?

I could really use the extra day to get caught up at work.


Josephina Lundstrom

I really don't need a third day to worry about making the most of it.


Troy Sosabee

Rupert Murdoch To Launch Fox Weather Channel

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is set to debut Fox Weather, a 24-hour streaming channel focused on weather, though how it will address climate change remains unclear. What do you think?


Albert Yeoman

Gone are the days when asking 'Hot enough for ya?' brought people together.


Nadine Hasan

It seems only fair to have outlets for people to hear the conservative perspective on the temperature.


Rick Deskins

Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café

The dating app Bumble announced that it would be opening a new café and wine bar in New York City called Bumble Brew, a place for people who match on the app to meet in real life. What do you think?

Thanks, but I've already got a neighborhood spot I prefer being stood up at.


Gertrude Slater

Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café

That sounds like the perfect place for running into people from previous dates.


Roman Heckman

Bumble Dating App Opening NYC Café

I don't know. Flying to New York seems like a bold first date move.


Joseph Skoog

NYPD Unveils New 'Game Truck' To Connect With Community

The NYPD has unveiled a new game truck that will drive game consoles around to local communities with the goal of having children get to know police officers through the shared interest of video games. What do you think?

Just get in the fucking game truck. We're not gonna ask you twice.


Pedro Whaley

If anything can resolve centuries of tension and distrust, it's Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge.


Fannie Banta

Can't they just let us shoot their guns?


Edward Martinez

Tokyo Olympics Bans Spectators After State Of Emergency Declared

Japan has announced that the Tokyo Olympics will go ahead under a state of emergency but without any spectators at events taking place in the capital amid the recent surge in coronavirus cases. What do you think?

I didn't fly across an ocean after lying about getting vaccinated only to watch the games on TV like some chump.


Lois Trieu

Sounds like someone forgot to order bleachers.


Graeme Bennett

Just to be extra safe, I'm not even going to watch it on TV.


Marjorie Relles

Trump Suing Twitter, Facebook, Google Over 'Censorship'

Former President Trump has filed a class-action lawsuit against Facebook, Twitter, Google, and their respective CEOs, claiming the platforms denied his rights to free speech, despite the First Amendment not prohibiting private companies from enforcing speech restrictions. What do you think?

When someone blocks me on Facebook, I usually just show up at their work to reconnect.


Diego Mattler

It's about time we got an update on what Trump has been doing since The Apprentice.


Frank Hajek

Filing a lawsuit is the only way to get a real person from these tech companies on the phone.


Sybil Rowe

Zaila Avant-garde First African American To Win National Spelling Bee

14-year-old Zaila Avant-garde from Louisiana became the first African American to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday by correctly spelling Murraya, a genus of plants. What do you think?

I can't wait to see what she spells as an adult.


Hershel Kim

Yeah, okay, but is she amazing at basketball? She is? Oh.


Benny McDaniel

World's Deepest Dive Pool Opens In Dubai

Dubai has opened the world's deepest dive pool, which has a depth of 196 feet, holds enough water to fill six Olympic-sized swimming pools, and features an abandoned sunken city for divers to explore. What do you think?

I just know I'm gonna drop my phone in that thing.


Tom Wilkerson

The cool stuff on the bottom is so worth the dead migrant workers floating on the surface.


Kelli Robinson

I think I'll just stay in the shallow end.


Virginia Samson

Unopened 'Super Mario 64' Game Sells For Record $1.56M

A sealed 1996 Super Mario 64 video game cartridge has sold at auction for $1.56 million, shattering the record set two days before by an unopened copy of Nintendo's The Legend Of Zelda. What do you think?

Whoa! I remember buying that game for just half a million 25 years ago.


Raymond Smith

Other kids said I was weird for buying a spare copy, and they're still kind of right.


Harishi Weiss

And, of course, the immigrant Italian plumber won't see a dime.


Marlin Amici

Inflation Hits 13-Year High

The consumer price index rose 5.4% in the last year, the biggest jump in annual inflation in nearly 13 years as businesses struggle to keep up with demand out of the pandemic, causing prices to surge. What do you think?

With those prices, I'm going to shop in a different economy.


Curtis Dore

Inflation Hits 13-Year High

This only sounds like a problem for people who rely on goods and services.


Heidi Noonan

Inflation Hits 13-Year High

Aw, man. I was just about to spend money.


Lottie Fairbanks

Engagement Ring Sales Skyrocketing As U.S. Recovers From Covid-19

Fine jewelers say they saw massive spikes in demand and sales in April and May for engagement rings, following more access to Covid-19 vaccinations throughout the United States. What do you think?

I'd still like to see how my relationship holds up under a few more diseases.


Ernesto Richardson

Luckily, three months' salary to spend on a ring, thanks to Covid, is only $200.


Jeremiah Houghton

There must be a real sense of relief running through the blood diamond industry.


Patrick Cote

Pet Goldfish Being Dumped In Lakes Threatening Ecosystems

A city in Minnesota has asked residents to stop dumping pet goldfish into waterways after large groups of the invasive species, which can cause poor water quality, were discovered in local lakes. What do you think?

First, we can't dump toxic waste into the water, and now we can't dump goldfish. Where does it end?


Corrine Geister

I just assumed the cat I dumped in the lake would eat it.


Thad Kildee

Senate Democrats Unveil Proposal To Federally Decriminalize Marijuana

Senate Democrats have introduced draft legislation that would decriminalize marijuana at the federal level by removing it from the federal list of controlled substances. What do you think?

Next, we'll be decriminalizing deadlier drugs like alcohol.


Buster Folta

And risk admitting the war on drugs failed? I don't think so.


Brooke Andersen

Big day for people who love to explain the difference between 'legalize' and 'decriminalize.'


Sherman Novak

Olivia Rodrigo Works With White House To Encourage Youth Vaccinations

Pop star Olivia Rodrigo met with President Biden and Covid-19 medical adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci at the White House to record videos encouraging young people to get vaccinated against the novel coronavirus. What do you think?

As an old person desperate to impress teens, this campaign will work on me, too.


Delbert Brodzik

Great, another thing for my kids to incessantly bug me about getting them.


Tanner Sanchez

NASA: Moon 'Wobble' To Cause Coastal Flooding Surge By 2030s

NASA warns that a wobble in the moon's orbit, which happens every 18.6 years, will combine with rising sea levels to bring dramatic increases in high-tide coastal floods across the U.S. in the 2030s. What do you think?

I'm so sick of the moon jerking us around!


Waldo Kelman

See? We let the moon control the tides, and now it's back for more.


Joanna Hughes

Hopefully, the infrastructure bill contains a few trillion for orbital repairs.


Pete Cocklin

Johnson & Johnson Recalls Aerosol Sunscreens After Finding Carcinogen

Johnson & Johnson has announced a recall of aerosol sunscreen products from Neutrogena and Aveeno after some samples were found to contain low levels of benzene, a chemical linked to blood cancers such as leukemia. What do you think?

I prefer to get my cancers naturally from the sun.


Pearl Aaker

You don't have to worry about that if you build a good base cancer first.


Hunter Kenny

Illinois Bans Police From Lying To Minors During Interrogations

Illinois has become the first state to bar police officers from lying and using other deceptive tactics when interrogating juveniles, such as promising leniency or insinuating that incriminating evidence exists. What do you think?

But it's still cool if we lie to judges and juries, right?


Dana Tatasciore

Why? Did someone discover a better way of coercing a false confession from a child?


Omar Bangura

Sounds like Illinois wants to do things the hard way.


Joseph Ovalles

Maine Becomes First State To Shift Recycling Costs From Taxpayers To Companies

Maine has become the first state in the country to shift costs of recycling from taxpayers to the companies that create consumer packaging, while also giving them the responsibility of disposing of nonrecyclable containers. What do you think?

Now the companies just have to pass these extra costs onto the taxpayers by raising their prices, and the cycle will be complete.


Corinna Harris

This isn't nearly as satisfying as making the CEO of Coca-Cola push around huge bags of recycling in a shopping cart.


Mateo Compardo

Biden Transfers First Detainee From Guantánamo Bay

The Biden administration has transferred a detainee from Guantánamo Bay detention camp to Morocco, marking the first time a prisoner has been released since Biden took office and could signal the president's intent to eventually close the U.S. military prison. What do you think?


Oliver Spang

Let's hope the guy can live a life free of the crimes he was never even charged with committing.


Susan Peebles

If Biden keeps it up, he should be able to close the camp by his 20th term.


Jeff Demore

Google Maps Accused Of Suggesting Potentially Fatal Hiking Routes

A Scottish mountaineering organization has accused Google Maps of directing its users to navigate a route up Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in the British Isles that is highly dangerous, even for experienced climbers and potentially fatal. What do you think?

Yeah, but the non-fatal route is two minutes longer.


Elisa Sabala

I'll just Google mountaineering once I'm out there.


Roland Kauffman

I was wondering why it showed the route from the top of the mountain to the bottom as taking less than a minute.


Matt Featherstone

Sports Illustrated' Swimsuit Issue Features Trans Cover Model For First Time

Model and actress Leyna Bloom has made history by becoming the first trans person to appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue, the magazine's most famous and perennially best-selling edition. What do you think?

It's great that we're finally breaking down the barriers to being objectified by 47-year-old men.


Nick Kuras

Times clearly haven't changed that much if Sports Illustrated is still making print issues.


Sara Hegde

You know things are bad for the media industry when they have to stoop to doing the right thing in order to sell copies.


Nick Bland

American Medical Debt Bigger Than Previously Known

New research published in The Journal of the American Medical Association found that Americans owe nearly twice as much medical debt as was previously thought, totaling $140 billion last year. What do you think?

I wouldn't have even gone to the doctor if I'd realized I could have just died for free.


James Braski

I guess I couldn't resist having all my cancer treated.


Yasmine Vargas

Good luck getting paid. Half those bums are probably dead by now.


Jake Leezy

Johnson & Johnson, Drug Distributors Reach $26 Billion Deal To End Opioid Lawsuits

After two years, the country's three largest drug distributors and pharmaceutical giant Johnson & Johnson have reached a $26 billion settlement that would release the companies from all legal liability in the opioid epidemic, with majority of the funds going toward paying for addiction and prevention services. What do you think?

Wow, it could take them weeks to pay that off.


Gina Putrino

I hope it's just as easy to get hooked on the addiction and prevention services.


Brad Roa

I would have gladly taken fentanyl as settlement in-kind.


Erik Solanki

U.S. Life Expectancy Sees Biggest Drop Since WWII

A new CDC study found that in 2020 the average American life expectancy fell by a year and a half due mainly to the coronavirus pandemic, with Black and Hispanic American life expectancy experiencing a far steeper decline of three years. What do you think?

I didn't realize there was a pandemic during WWII.


Shannon Tierney

Not so bad when you consider that quality of life sucks too.


Antony Vogt

Men's Spending Habits Result In More Carbon Emissions Than Women's

A new Swedish study found that men spend their money on greenhouse gas–emitting goods and services, such as meat and fuel, at a much higher rate than women. What do you think?


Adrian LeRoy

Sorry, but it takes a lot of meat to make your car go.


Seth Gramm

Alexa Introduces Masculine-Sounding Voice Option

Amazon has begun rolling out a new masculine-sounding voice option for its Alexa virtual assistant along with a new wake word Ziggy to trigger the device. What do you think?

Holding out for an even deeper voice from Satan himself.


Howard Wills

Perfect, the feminine sounding voice is just too easy to tune out.


Izzy Cook

I just feel more comfortable knowing there's a male AI in the house.


Alistair Spencer

Cleveland Renames Baseball Team 'Guardians' After Backlash

Cleveland's Major League Baseball team announced that they will begin using the name the Guardians following the end of the 2021 season, ridding itself of its previous name which many found offensive. What do you think?

Fingers crossed there's some racist connotation I'm missing.


Sid Olsen

While stopping short of ending baseball, it still represents significant progress.


Eryn Holderfield

That's it. I'm burning my Guardians jersey.


Lorna Peasley

Marlboro Maker Could Stop Selling Cigarettes In Britain Within 10 Years

Tobacco group Philip Morris International's CEO claimed the company plans to stop selling cigarettes in the U.K. in the next 10 years, saying I want to allow this company to leave smoking behind. What do you think?

Ten years is plenty of time to get your customers physically addicted to a new product.


Miroslav Janković

As a rule, I only manufacture and distribute cigarettes when I'm drunk.


Darryl Lindsey

Don't worry, alcohol will always be there to pick up the slack.


Tamara Streeter

Millions Of Unvaccinated Teens To Head Back To School

New data suggests that most teens heading back to school will be unvaccinated against Covid-19, with less than a third on track to be fully vaccinated in the next 2 weeks. What do you think?

I'm sure once we get Sarah L. vaccinated, all the nation's other teens will follow suit.


Jonas Ribu

On the bright side, I've got a slightly better chance of making valedictorian.


Nathan Margono

If teaching The Scarlet Letter means children have to die, then so be it.


Herman Nuñez

Simone Biles Withdraws From Olympics Citing Mental Health

U.S. gymnastics star Simone Biles withdrew from the 2021 Tokyo Olympics individual and team finals, claiming the overwhelming pressure to win might have caused her to injure herself in her stressed out state. What do you think?

She could have avoided all that scrutiny by simply being less good.


Kyla Bond

Would it help if I pressured her a bit more?


Leo Calvert

Yeah, that's why I'm not doing the Olympics either.


Lynn Burrow

24,000-Year-Old Microbes Found Surviving In Permafrost

Scientists have revived 24,000-year-old microorganisms called rotifers that were found in Siberian permafrost, which, while harmless, raises questions about whether climate change will release potentially harmful pathogens as glaciers and ice sheets melt. What do you think?

Yes, but is surviving the same as living, truly living?


Ricardo Pintar

Aww, poor little guys must have been freezing.


Dave Thye

I doubt something as tiny and insignificant as a microbe could ever be harmful on a human scale.


Jeff Bezos

Only Half Of American Households Donate To Charity

For the first time in nearly two decades, only half of U.S. households donated to charity, confirming a long-running trend where donations are reaching record highs, but the giving is being done by a smaller percentage of the population. What do you think?

I'd love to give, but it's been a struggle since I lost my job.


Jillian Crouse

I prefer to make an impact in the form of bullshit lip service.


Alexi Lyons

Maybe I should start donating to a good cause instead of wasting all my money on rent.


Rohit Mandalapu

China Building New Silos For Nuclear Missiles

New satellite images indicate that China is digging a field of missile silos 1,200 miles west of Beijing, signifying a potentially vast expansion of the country's nuclear arsenal. What do you think?

It was only a matter of time before they developed silo technology.


Gabrielle Mendoza

They can't bomb us. We owe them too much money.


Vincent Baxendale

I think it's nice that China is giving their missiles a good home.


Abdul Khan

QR Codes Replace Traditional Menus

Fear of contracting coronavirus has prompted many restaurants to replace their paper menus with QR codes, a type of digital barcode technology, though it remains to be seen whether the trend will continue as the country recovers from the pandemic. What do you think?


Eva Rossetti

QR Codes Replace Traditional Menus

What do I throw at the waiter then, my phone?!


Issac Hagan

QR Codes Replace Traditional Menus

Yeah, when I'm out maskless at a restaurant, my fear is definitely the menu.


Anastasia Heckman

Arthur' Cancelled After 25 Seasons

PBS's educational series Arthur about an 8-year-old anthropomorphic aardvark navigating life will end after 25 seasons, making it the longest-running kids animated series in history. What do you think?

Hopefully, the finale will finally resolve the question of whether or not friendship is important.


Orlando Gray

Arthur' Cancelled After 25 Seasons

Wow, I didn't even realize they were still making children.


Ian Ebberts

Arthur' Cancelled After 25 Seasons


Niko Moustakas

Diamonds Swapped For Pebbles In $5.8 Million Heist

A 60-year-old French woman has been jailed for five and a half years in London after posing as a diamond expert and stealing seven precious gems in an elaborate daytime heist, even pretending she couldn't speak English to buy herself more time to switch the rare stones out for a bag filled with pebbles. What do you think?


Sarah Randall

Leave stealing diamonds to the experts in the diamond industry.


Daniel Mumpy

Imagine being 60 years old and still not knowing how to pull off a successful heist.


Beatrix Lazenby

U.S. Economy Surpasses Pre-Pandemic Size

A report by the Commerce Department has found that the United States' GDP grew at a 6.5% annual rate last quarter as the nation recovers from the coronavirus recession, with the total size of the economy now surpassing where it was before the pandemic. What do you think?

Damn, I was hoping we had finally rid ourselves of the economy once and for all.


Stan Boyer

It's going to take a lot more than 600,000 preventable deaths to take down America's economy.


Marissa Bauer

Florida Breaks Own Record For Covid-19 Hospitalizations

Florida recently broke both its records for most confirmed daily Covid-19 cases since the start of the pandemic and Covid-19 hospitalizations, with more than 10,200 people currently hospitalized. What do you think?

Yeah, a lot of people choose to spend their final years in Florida.


Eli Fitz

Whoa, save some residents for the fall outbreak.


Ken Fassihi

That's pretty embarrassing for whichever country Florida belongs to.


Augustus Castillo

Baby Born With Twin Inside Stomach

A newborn baby in Israel shocked doctors after an X-ray revealed she carried a twin fetus inside her stomach, an extremely rare occurrence that only arises once in every 500,000 births. What do you think?


Melanie Nieves

Baby Born With Twin Inside Stomach

Still the least horrific part of childbirth.


Dustin Gibbons

Baby Born With Twin Inside Stomach

And inside of that baby was the baby's mother!


Emory Marr

Poland Grants Visa To Belarusian Olympian Refusing To Board Flight Home

Poland has granted a humanitarian visa to a Belarusian Olympic sprinter who refused to board a flight home from Tokyo because she feared she'd be arrested upon arrival after criticizing team officials. What do you think?

It's so obnoxious when athletes get all political like this.


Paco Martinez

I know she's scared, but I might've held out for Romania or something.


Jasmine Schefter

Are we sure this isn't just Poland's way of shoring up its own Olympic sprinting team?


Desmond Matusik

NYC To Require Proof Of Vaccination For Certain Indoor Activities

New York City will become the first major city in the U.S. to require proof of vaccination for restaurants, gyms, theaters, and other indoor activities, which officials hope will put pressure on people to get vaccinated. What do you think?

But my business depends on the patronage of selfish assholes.


Eric Sinclaire

I'm fine with being judged on my appearance to get into a club, but this is where I draw the line.


Maria Pogar

That's fine as long as I'm still free to aimlessly wander the streets.


Oscar Lapinsky

Barbie Debuts Doll Honoring Covid-19 Vaccine Creator

Toymaker Mattel has debuted a new Barbie doll in the likeness of a British vaccinologist who developed the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine, as well as several other women working in similar fields, to inspire young girls to go into STEM careers. What do you think?

This will look nice next to my Jonas Salk Transformer.


Ryan Tomasso

Whatever happened to simply wrapping a corncob in a plain handkerchief and imagining it was one of the world's leading vaccinologists?