Noah Canfield

Investigators Seize 27 Antiquities From Met Museum, Citing Looting

Investigators in New York seized 27 ancient artifacts valued at more than $13 million from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, asserting that the objects from Rome, Greece, and Egypt had all been looted, and will now be returned to their countries of origin. What do you think?

Now all those objects have an even richer history for this exciting journey they took!


Ivan Warner

Hopefully the artifacts will make their way back to ancient Greece.


Simon Rojas

Oh, so now it's the job of museums to know the history of all their antiquities?


Andreas Calimeris

Math, Reading Test Scores Plummet During Pandemic

A federal study has found that math and reading scores for 9-year-olds in the U.S. fell between 2020 and 2022 by a level not seen in decades, a foreboding sign of the state of American education two years after the Covid-19 pandemic began. What do you think?

Well, at least their social skills are in the shitter, too.


Liam Moffatt

Maybe decreasing teachers' pay will help.


Suza Maye

A lot of these kids were dumb before the pandemic.


Sara Criton

17th-Century 'Vampire' Found Buried With Sickle Over Neck To Prevent Rise From Dead

Archaeologists have unearthed the skeletal remains of a female buried in a 17th-century Polish graveyard with a sickle pinned across her neck, a ritual during the time people believed would prevent vampires from rising from the dead. What do you think?

You discover all sorts of cool stuff when you dig up old corpses.


Nick Charnevsky

Usually the six feet of dirt does the trick.


Dominic Greene

Nice try, but I know that Polish people are imaginary creatures.


Judy Menin

Poll Finds Most Americans Are Quiet Quitting

According to a Gallup survey, at least half of American workers say they are quiet quitting, or performing only the tasks they're required to, giving up on the idea of going above and beyond. What do you think?

Sounds like a problem that can only be solved by hiring a team of highly paid consultants.


Victor Hyder

Not me. I take pride in being the most exploitable laborer in my office.


Frank Lakin

I can't understand the entitlement of expecting the parameters of your job to be laid out when you're hired.


Henry Dimas

Queen Elizabeth II Dies

Queen Elizabeth II passed away at Balmoral Castle at the age of 96, capping off an almost 70-year reign, the longest of any British monarch, which oversaw the dissolution of much of the British Empire. What do you think?

It's always sad when a monarch lives to be that old.


Jennifer Circucci

Queen Elizabeth II Dies

I swear Gen Z is just making up celebrities.


David Fevre

Queen Elizabeth II Dies


Joy Varens

Miss England Pageant Finalist Becomes First To Compete Without Makeup

Miss England finalist Melisa Raouf, a 20-year-old college student from south London, has become the first-ever beauty queen to compete without wearing any makeup in the pageant's nearly century-long history. What do you think?


Theo Pietrucioli

Okay, but she'd better still have an eating disorder.


Scott Zuccolo

Stress During Pregnancy May Have Negative Emotional Impact On Babies

A study published in the journal Infancy found that babies of moms who experienced more fluctuations in stress during pregnancy showed more fear, sadness, and distress at 3 months than those of moms who were less stressed. What do you think?

It's always exciting to have another thing to blame on my mother.


Amy Duerme

He's got to get used to my mood swings sometime.


Wiley Reynolds

Great, another thing my wife is going to mess up.


Joshua Larmon

King Charles III Takes Throne

King Charles III has, at the age of 73, become monarch after the death of his mother Queen Elizabeth II, making him the oldest person to ever assume the British throne. What do you think?

Doesn't anyone else find it suspicious that his mom dies, and almost immediately he becomes king?


Heather Shadel

King Charles III Takes Throne


Ryan Majewski

King Charles III Takes Throne

We could use some young blood like that in our country's political system.


Heidi Lee

North Korea Says It Will Never Give Up Nuclear Weapons

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un claimed his country will never abandon the nuclear weapons it needs to counter the United States, which he accused of pushing to weaken the North's defenses and eventually collapse his government. What do you think?

I worry this may deteriorate America's relationship with North Korea.


Greg Bostwick

Well, then we won't give up our nuclear weapons either. So there!


Rafi Espinoza

I get it, the arms race is hard to just walk away from.


Sunil Angirekula

Princeton Offers Full Ride To Students Whose Families Make Less Than $100,000

Princeton University announced that starting next year it will offer full rides to undergraduates from families earning less than $100,000 a year, with the move expected to include 150,000 students. What do you think?

And how are students with incredibly wealthy parents expected to pay for college?


Jess Graczek

Now my only barrier is my lifetime of scholastic underachievement.


Patrick Vuong

Universities need to stop wasting money on frivolous things like scholarships for the disadvantaged while Division 1 sports suffer.


Tara Sharkey

Twitter Whistleblower Testifies Over Company's Major Security Failures

Testifying before the Senate, Peiter Mudge Zatko, Twitter's former head of cybersecurity, alleged major security vulnerabilities and oversights, including that the company suffered a significant breach about once a week in 2020 and employed Chinese agents. What do you think?

But the major security vulnerabilities are the best part of Twitter!


Drew Kracher

Shocking that you would even need security on such a friendly platform.


Jared Hoke

No one said it'd be easy managing one of humanity's worst creations.


Lucy Ko

U.S. Records 1 Millionth Organ Transplant

The United States recorded its one millionth organ transplant, a historic milestone for the medical procedure that has saved thousands of lives since the first successful transplant in 1954. What do you think?

Sure, if you're only counting legal transplants.


Austin Linam

I'll probably wait to celebrate until I move up the transplant list.


Grant Krick

Wow, it seems like this upcycling trend has really caught on.


Shirley Dorney

Lindsey Graham Proposes Nationwide 15-Week Abortion Ban

Senator Lindsey Graham introduced a bill that would ban abortion nationwide after only 15 weeks, a politically risky strategy that's dividing Republicans as backlash grows over the Supreme Court's decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. What do you think?


James Toledo

You don't get to be the most-hated senator by doing what's popular.


Clifford Van Thof

I'll still be able to commit rape and incest though, right?


Maria Alpas

John Lennon Killer Denied Parole For 12th Time

Mark David Chapman, who is serving a 20-year-to-life sentence for fatally shooting John Lennon in 1980, has been denied parole for the 12th time, having sought parole every two years since 2000 when he was first eligible. What do you think?

Let him out! What's the worst he could do, shoot Ringo?


Simon Church

Maybe this'll teach him to kill someone less famous next time.


Roy Trinkle

Come on, it was the '80s. Everyone was murdering back then!


Rosemary Semanick

Kangaroo Kills Australian Man In Rare Fatal Attack

A man in southwest Australia was killed by a wild kangaroo he kept as a pet, making it the first fatal kangaroo attack in the country since 1936. What do you think?

That's crazy, I didn't know it was possible to kill an Australian.


Tommy Montenegro

Unless the kangaroo confessed to something, this is all just speculation.


Jacqueline Wooten

Patagonia Founder Donates Company To Environmental Nonprofit

Patagonia founder Yvon Chouinard has given away the company, worth $3 billion, to a nonprofit and trust that will use all future profits to fight climate change, stating, We're making Earth our only shareholder. What do you think?

This provides an inspiring model for all of us not sure what to do with our billion-dollar companies.


Carlos Uribe

I'm part of the environment. What's my cut?


Cedric Channing

1,000-Year-Old German Choir Admits Girls For First Time

The Regensburger Domspatzen, a German choir founded in the year 975 for boys and young men, is now accepting girls into its music school for the first time, though they will perform in a separate choir. What do you think?

Surprise, surprise. More woke posturing from 1,000-year-old German choirs.


Ross Marquez

At least it will save them the trouble of castrating them.


Cheyenne Grull

Should I bother asking about Black people?


Brianne Genkov

Biden Negotiates Tentative Deal To Avert Rail Strike

Narrowly avoiding a strike, White House officials negotiated a tentative deal with railway unions that would allow workers to take off unpaid time for medical appointments without penalty. What do you think?

Thank God, I was worried I'd have to find something else to throw myself in front of.


Kendrick Stewart

As long as they're not taking time off to see their families.


Pierre Margules

Unpaid time off is a huge leap forward for an industry built on slave labor.


Alonzo Pearce

Study: Christians May No Longer Be U.S. Majority By 2070

A new Pew Research Center study has found that Christians will make up less than half of the U.S. population by 2070, as Americans raised Christian continue to disaffiliate from their religion. What do you think?

I'm glad more Americans are realizing they can be hateful without religion.


Josiah Coopman

You never know, something terrible could happen to make Christianity attractive again.


Rita Geimer

I knew we couldn't run from Sharia law forever.


Anita Harrison

Nearly All Of Puerto Rico Without Power Due To Hurricane Fiona

Hurricane Fiona, a Category 1 storm which made landfall Sunday and also caused widespread flash flooding and mudslides, has plunged almost all of the island of Puerto Rico into a blackout, with around 3 million people left with no power and many without water. What do you think?

Neglected infrastructure is the surest sign that they're true Americans.


Matt Loach

How do disasters like this keep happening despite our best efforts to do nothing?


Eli Orsi

Hopefully whoever their federal government is can help them out.


Fatima Kull

New York Subway To Install Security Cameras In All Train Cars

Gov. Kathy Hochul (D-NY) says the Metropolitan Transportation Authority will install security cameras in every train car in order to reassure riders about the safety of New York City's subways in the wake of high-profile shootings. What do you think?

Now we'll know for certain that the person bleeding out from a bullet wound was shot.


Chester Villegas

I think the people were asking for improvements to the subway itself, but it's their fault for not being more specific.


Emir Benavidez

I don't want someone watching me while I take a shit.


Daniel Villalobos

USDA Approves Genetically Modified Purple Tomato

The U.S. Department of Agriculture has approved a genetically modified purple tomato, the pigment coming from chemicals called anthocyanins which give blueberries, blackberries, and eggplants their purplish hues, clearing the path for the unique fruit to be sold in American stores next year. What do you think?

Who are we to play a very insignificant version of God?


Adrien Stucin

I'm just hoping they'll have that classic purple taste!


Beatriz Danforth

Beyond Meat Executive Accused Of Biting Man's Nose

An executive of vegan food products company Beyond Meat has been charged with felony battery and making a terroristic threat after a brawl outside a football game in which he's accused of biting a man's nose. What do you think?


Gabriel Pelletier

This is why I never stand within biting distance of a vegetarian.


Clarence Yeh

New York Attorney General Sues Trump Family For Business Fraud

New York's Attorney General filed a lawsuit accusing former President Donald Trump and three of his grown children of flagrantly manipulating property valuations to deceive lenders and to reduce their tax liability. What do you think?

I wish I had taken more time to commit tax fraud with my dad before he passed away.


Eileen McFarlane

Sounds like a prime fundraising opportunity.


James Pacheco

GOP Congressional Candidate Says U.S. Suffered From Women's Suffrage

Michigan GOP congressional candidate, John Gibbs, reportedly started a self-described think tank while in college, called the Society for the Critique of Feminism, that argued women's suffrage negatively impacted the country and that women should not vote or work outside the home. What do you think?

I think we all started baffling, hateful think tanks we regret in college.


Brady Thompson

He's lucky women are only a fraction of the population.


Leanna Zapata

I'll have to ask my boss for permission to be outraged by this.


Carlos Vega

48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children

United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. What do you think?

I'm sure they'd be happy to let a couple of those kids ride in their new hydroplane.


Joan Tseng

It's about time those hungry kids learned how the real world works.


Gianmarco Alcantar

Only Congress is allowed to prevent poor kids from getting meals.


Dominique Mostyn

Elton John Awarded Medal By Joe Biden For Work To End AIDS

President Biden has awarded Sir Elton John with the National Humanities Medal for his advocacy in the global fight against HIV/AIDs, surprising the music icon following a performance on the South Lawn of the White House. What do you think?

I guess President Biden felt bad about Elton doing the gig for free.


Ethan Grimmett

And yet, no recognition for his years of dedicated advocacy for the velour tracksuit.


Donald Siert

Jesus, if you want comp tickets, just ask the guy.


Jackson Allan

U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases

According to new CDC data, the U.S. saw a sustained surge in STIs in 2021, with syphilis rates increasing by 26%, prompting health officials to call for new prevention and treatment efforts. What do you think?

But how else am I supposed to prove to people that I'm getting laid?


Sakhr Malouf

U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases

Syphilis is a small price to pay to avoid talking about STIs.


Ramona Alba

U.S. Sees Surge In STI Cases

Well, I guess it's good to see people getting back out there.


Katelin Haigh

John Cena Sets Guinness World Record For Make-A-Wish Grants

According to Guinness World Records, actor and professional wrestler John Cena now holds the world record for most wishes granted through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, granting a total of 650 wishes since 2002, with no one else granting over 200 wishes. What do you think?

This won't make anyone forget his terrible match against The Miz at WrestleMania XXVII.


Maxwell Dunks

Wow. If you're a sick kid who hasn't met him, he must really hate you.


Andrew Burgoon

He probably owns the record for knowing the most dead kids, too.


Emily Delbene

Vladimir Putin Grants Edward Snowden Russian Citizenship

Russian president Vladimir Putin has granted citizenship to Edward Snowden, the former NSA contractor living in exile in Moscow after being charged with espionage in the U.S. for leaking information on American intelligence and mass surveillance programs to the media. What do you think?


Gilberto Voegeli

He aced the part of the citizenship test where you expose intelligence secrets of the U.S.


Perry Fausnaught

If Russia is my only option for asylum, I'll just sit on these government privacy violations.


Marta McGibboney

NASA's DART Spacecraft Successfully Collides With Asteroid

NASA's DART mission has successfully slammed a spacecraft into the asteroid Dimorphos, in a kinetic impact test to redirect the space rock, which may be needed if an asteroid is ever on track to hit Earth. What do you think?

Pretty optimistic to think that Earth has a future to protect.


Markus Pockette

Dang, too bad the Cretaceous megafauna didn't think of this.


Emanuel Blaze

I don't think my tax dollars should be wasted defending Earth.


Tyler Jacaruso

Italy Elects Most Far-Right Prime Minister Since Mussolini

Giorgia Meloni, leader of Brothers of Italy, a party with neo-fascist roots, has claimed victory in a general election, making her Italy's first female prime minister and installing the most far-right government since the fascist era of Benito Mussolini. What do you think?

We need to stop comparing her to Mussolini and let her create her own fascist legacy.


Britney Wilk

This must be the cost of progress I'm always hearing about.


Reid Forber

Hopefully Americans will get to elect our first female fascist leader soon.


Delana Guerinot

Injecting Modified Herpes Virus Shows Promise Of Killing Off Cancer Cells

A genetically modified version of the herpes virus that causes cold sores has shown promise in killing off cancer cells in early stage clinical trials, with one patient experiencing a complete remission of 15 months so far. What do you think?

So my boyfriend gave me the cure for cancer?


Caleb Laneaux

I've got to call a few ex-partners to give them some good news and bad news.


Gustavo Ambroziak

CIA Launches First Podcast

The CIA launched its own podcast, The Langley Files, with the agency saying it wants to step out from the shadows to demystify its spy work and boost recruitment. What do you think?

I'm listening to too much state-sponsored media to start a new one right now.


Fabian Daguio

CIA Launches First Podcast

I doubt it will be that good but I'll listen to the Paul F. Tompkins episode to see.


Alice Pernin

CIA Launches First Podcast

I can't wait to hear this entirely truthful glimpse into a secret government agency.


Wiley Shuptrine

McDonald's To Start Offering Happy Meals For Adults

McDonald's has announced it will be offering a new boxed meal for adults that will include a Big Mac or 10-piece McNuggets, drink, fries, and a collectible McDonald's character figurine made in partnership with the streetwear brand, Cactus Plant Flea Market. What do you think?

Fourth quarter earnings not looking so good, huh?


Charles Blumberg

It's the only thing that will get me to stop crying in Walmart.


Elin Mega

Hopefully they sell it at an adult price.


Eric Haffey

Lizzo Plays 200-Year-Old Crystal Flute Belonging To James Madison At D.C. Show

Singer and trained flutist Lizzo played a 200-year-old crystal flute made for President James Madison at her show in Washington, D.C., the instrument on loan fro the Library of Congress, which has the largest flute collection in the world. What do you think?

We all know he put that thing down after two months of lessons anyway.


I can't support her anymore if she's going to play a racist old white man's flute.


Wally Bern

What a nice, non-upsetting thing that I'm sure no one will be up in arms about.


Joseph Cardenas

Florida Republicans Vote Against Hurricane Relief

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz and Florida Sen. Rick Scott voted against a resolution that would allow FEMA to use up to $15 million in the Disaster Relief Fund and provide financial assistance to Hurricane Ian victims in their state. What do you think?

Are we supposed to help people after every hurricane? Where does it end?


Arlene Guariglio

Someone could always remind Gaetz that the money will also go towards helping teen girls.


Scotty Jellings

In fairness, all that money will just be wasted on people in need.


Christy Hughes

Megan Thee Stallion Launches Website With Mental Health Resources For Fans

Rapper Megan Thee Stallion has launched a mental health resources website called Bad Bitches Have Bad Days Too that includes links to organizations, numbers for helplines, and ways fans can find nearby therapists. What do you think?

I prefer the old-school days when Tupac screamed resources at you from the stage.


Elijah Hampton

This website will help a lot of people for the four months it's operational.


Rodney Molla

I wish websites like this existed for people more into classic rock.


Bryan Ahle

U.S. To Establish New Rules On Space Trash

The U.S. Federal Communications Commission has voted to adopt new rules to address the growing risks of orbital debris, requiring operators to more quickly dispose of defunct satellites that are endangering spacecraft on active missions. What do you think?

If we don't protect space now, it won't be there for future billionaires.


Tomoko Burdock

Just huck them into some other planet's orbit.


Patricia Gendernalik

Kim Kardashian To Pay $1.26 Million Over SEC Charges

The top U.S. financial regulator has charged celebrity Kim Kardashian for touting a cryptocurrency on her Instagram account without disclosing that she was paid for the promotion. What do you think?

Since when did Kim Kardashian start blindly endorsing products?


Lon Pax

The crazy thing is the benefits of cryptocurrency sell themselves.


Rebekah Zeitler

Pro-Life Herschel Walker Paid For Abortion, Report Says

The Daily Beast reported that Herschel Walker, the pro-life Republican nominee in Georgia's Senate race, paid for an abortion in 2009, allegedly reimbursing the woman he got pregnant for the procedure and sending her a get-well card. What do you think?

This is just the liberals' attempt to distract us from all the other shitty things he's done since.


Andrew Marques

The man played football for 12 seasons, so it's very possible he just forgot.


Bernard Dourado

He was probably worried he wouldn't be able to neglect the child properly.


Juliann Anderst

Fishing Tournament Ends In Cheating Scandal After Weights Found In Walleye

A duo that had been declared winners of a fishing tournament series event were caught in a cheating scandal after a tournament official discovered lead weights stuffed inside their fish, disqualifying them from the $28,760 prize. What do you think?


Diego Colantonio

Hopefully those fish will be barred from future competitions.


Blake Monson

Florida Teen Athletes Asked To Report Information On Menstrual Cycles To Third Party

The Florida High School Athletic Association has introduced an online form run by a third-party software company that asks female athletes various questions about their menstrual cycles, sparking concerns over privacy in a post-Roe v. Wade world. What do you think?

Can't they just tell based on who's cranky?


Corey Bisceglia

Relax. I'm sure they're just using their private medical data to sell them things.


Jennifer Samah

But no one seems to care about tracking menstruation in the arts.


Xavier Wacker

Ye Wears 'White Lives Matter' Shirt At Yeezy Fashion Show

Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, wore a shirt with White Lives Matter written on it to his Yeezy SZN 9 fashion show in Paris, later writing on social media that Black Lives Matter was a scam. What do you think?

He's actually making a larger and more nuanced point about how boring he is.


Mabel Jilk

Oh, like you've never worn something spouting white supremacist rhetoric on laundry day.


Trenton Waltho

Can rap get back to chronicling life in the shadow of gang violence?


Tommy York

Biden Pardons Thousands Convicted Of Marijuana Possession

President Joe Biden has taken executive action to change U.S. policy on marijuana, pardoning all prior federal offenses of simple marijuana possession, while also urging state governors to follow suit and asking federal officials to start a review process of how marijuana is classified. What do you think?

Sounds like Biden's dealer got picked up.


Sonja Riley

If we legalize marijuana possession, then people are only going to get harder drugs planted on them by the police.


Fredric Holden

Doesn't this just let innocent people off the hook?


Rickie Moede

Velma Confirmed As Lesbian In New 'Scooby-Doo' Film After Years Of Ambiguity

A new Scooby-Doo Halloween special will be depicting Velma as a lesbian on screen, putting to rest decades of speculation about the beloved character's sexuality, in the first definitive portrayal of her as queer in the popular cartoon franchise. What do you think?

My private fan-fiction confirmed this years ago.


Jacinto Linscott

I thought they revealed the identity of the lesbian at the end of every episode.


Hanna Schrum

What about the Ghost of Captain Cutler? What's his deal?


Bernard Galbavy

Fake Heiress Anna Sorokin Released From Jail

Anna Sorokin, who pretended to be a German heiress to scam her way into a posh New York lifestyle, has been released from jail, remaining under house arrest in her Manhattan apartment while she awaits deportation hearings. What do you think?

How dare they imprison her. Don't they know who her fake father is?


Lillie Davila

I knew she was a fraud. Nobody who actually comes from money would ever spend time in jail.


Martin Wartz

I have a few ideas for how she can make a quick buck to get herself back on her feet.


Florence Wu

American Tourist Smashes Two Sculptures At Vatican After Demanding To See Pope

An American tourist has been taken into custody after officials say he damaged two ancient Roman sculptures at the Vatican, with authorities saying the man grew angry when he was not allowed to see the pope. What do you think?


Eduardo White

He has to use the sign-up sheet outside St. Peter's like everyone else.


Fabian Bernard

Well, they shouldn't feature the pope so prominently in the brochure if they don't want to disappoint people.


Lingyun Galloway

Scientists Say A Marijuana Breathalyzer Is In The Works

Researchers at UCLA and a startup called ElectraTect are testing a cannabinoid fuel cell that they say provides a key foundation for one day developing a marijuana breath analyzer, similar to ones that exist to test for alcohol on a person's breath. What do you think?

So it'll detect the amount of Doritos on your breath?


Evelyn Gillespie

Wrap a dryer sheet around the breathalyzer and you'll be fine.


Santos Cisneros

New iPhones Calling 911 While On Roller Coasters

iPhone 14 users are reporting that the new phone's crash detection feature, which alerts authorities when it detects you've been in a car accident, has been dialing 911 on rollercoasters after mistaking the rides for car crashes. What do you think?

Thankfully police never respond to 911 calls.


Demetria Dilello

Fortunately, the roller coaster crashed, so it worked out for everyone.


Hobert Delgado

That's why you set your device to Six Flags mode.


Sandra Patterson

Prosecutors Drop All Charges Against 'Serial' Podcast Subject Adnan Syed

Baltimore prosecutors have dropped all charges against Adnan Syed, the subject of the podcast Serial who was imprisoned for the 1999 killing of his ex-girlfriend Hae Min Lee, after advanced DNA test results supported his innocence. What do you think?


Arturo Yates

Now he can put the whole ordeal behind him and get back to being a regular high school kid.


Barbara Hayes

New AI Could Diagnose Illnesses By Analyzing Patient's Voice

The National Institutes of Health is funding the development of new AI to diagnose illnesses by the sounds of patients' voices, using vocal cord vibrations and breathing patterns to detect disorders like Parkinson's, pneumonia, and depression. What do you think?

So much easier than looking down at the broken bone sticking out of my leg.


Elias Bentley

I'd love to get an accurate diagnosis, but I'm more of a texter.


Rufus Burns

Sounds cheap and simple, but I'm sure our healthcare system will change that.


Dion Rich

New Zealand Proposes Taxing Cow Burps

New Zealand's government is proposing a tax on the greenhouse gasses that farm animals make from burping and urinating as part of a plan to tackle climate change, angering farmers who say such taxes will hurt the farming industry that's vital to the country's economy. What do you think?

If there's one single species on Earth that's done more to contribute to climate change than others, it's cows.


Patricia Graham

New Zealand Proposes Taxing Cow Burps

I store my cows in offshore farms to avoid these types of taxes.


Silas Conway

New Zealand Proposes Taxing Cow Burps

They won't have to worry if their cows have manners.


Cliff Gamble

Alex Jones Ordered To Pay Nearly $1 Billion In Sandy Hook Defamation Trial

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has been ordered by a jury to pay almost $1 billion in damages to the families who suffered from the Infowars founder's lies that the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre was a hoax. What do you think?

When will the toll of Sandy Hook victims stop growing?


Jake Ball

You could stage a pretty incredible mass casualty event with that amount of money.


Janet Barker

Makes me wonder if there's anything else he might have lied about.


Irvin Schmidt

Fat Bear Week' Hit By Voter Fraud Attempt

Fat Bear Week was rocked by scandal after organizers said the virtual ballot box had been stuffed in favor of a brown bear called Holly, forcing officials to discount thousands of fraudulent votes before finally naming Bear Force One as the rightful winner. What do you think?

Absolutely terrifying that we almost put the wrong bear in power.


Gilberto Mathews

Glad Fat Bear Week has more guardrails than the Electoral College.


Leila Morgan

It's things like this that make me question the integrity of internet polls.


Troy Proctor

January 6 Committee Votes To Subpoena Donald Trump

The House committee investigating the Jan. 6 attack on the Capitol has voted unanimously to subpoena former President Donald Trump to question him about his role in events that led to the violence. What do you think?

He'd better comply unless he wants his life to continue exactly as it is.


Gail Gould

It's a good thing they did this before the Jan. 6 hearings lost the nation's interest.


Miles Seelbach

FDA Announces Adderall Shortage

The FDA has confirmed a nationwide shortage of the attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder medication Adderall due to manufacturing issues, with the shortage expected to last through the end of the year. What do you think?


Anita Santana

FDA Announces Adderall Shortage

Between this and the formula shortage, what am I supposed to feed my baby?


Hank Schilsky

FDA Announces Adderall Shortage

I guess I have to go back to bribing teachers.


Ida Smith

Archaeologists Discover Ancient Roman 'Fridge' With Meat Still Inside

Polish archaeologists excavating a Roman military camp dating back to the first century A.D. in Bulgaria, discovered an ancient stone refrigerator made of ceramic tiles that still contained animal bones, fragments of dishes, and traces of cooked meat. What do you think?

Ugh, I just can't stand it when ancient civilizations waste food.


Ray Cinque

I know it's tempting, but they should probably just throw that out.


Kevin Gurski

That reminds me, I should clean out the animal bones, fragments of dishes, and traces of cooked meat from my own fridge this weekend.


Ambrose Penso

$400,000 Of Meth Hidden In Pumpkins Found At Texas Border

Border patrol officials have found what the agency said was $400,000 worth of methamphetamine hidden inside pumpkins at the U.S–Mexico border in Texas. What do you think?

Scooping out the meth is always the grossest part of carving jack-o'-lanterns.


Richard Diaz

That explains why jack-o'-lanterns have such messed-up teeth.


Lucille Bautista

Well, smuggling drugs in blueberries wasn't getting it done.


Clay Griffin

Georgia Launches Text Alert System To Notify Officials Of Threats At Polls

Georgia launched a new text alert system for voting poll managers to notify officials of threats at the polls, the new incident-reporting tool created in response to threats made against state poll workers during and after the 2020 election. What do you think?

This sounds like a good idea until you learn message and data rates may apply.


Corina Small

Let me help them get a jump on things: white, male, heavyset.


Len Sexton

I'll be doing mail-in threats this year.


Latasha Holden

Man Plays Saxophone Through His 9-Hour Brain Surgery

A musician undergoing complex awake brain surgery in Italy played the saxophone during his entire nine-hour operation to help doctors make sure they didn't compromise his neurological functions. What do you think?

I feel bad for all the inoperable patients with no musical talent.


Gregg Frederick

Hopefully they left a hat out to collect cash from passing surgeons.


Tim Vaughn

As a musician, I've played some rough gigs too.


Ramiro Garofolo

Late Night Host James Corden Briefly Banned From Restaurant For 'Abusive' Behavior

A popular New York City restaurant rescinded its brief ban on Late Late Show host James Corden, who reportedly apologized after the establishment's owner called him one of the restaurant's most abusive customers. What do you think?


Debora Davis

The power of having the least-popular late-night show would go to anyone's head.


Irwin Burgess

I'd also be irritated if I had to live every day as James Corden.


Burt Roy

Alaska Cancels Snow Crab Season After 90% Of Population Disappears

Alaska has canceled the Bering Sea snow crab season for the first time ever due to an estimated 1 billion crabs disappearing over the last two years, the cause of which researchers are still investigating but could be linked to disease or climate change. What do you think?

It's sad to think how many Red Lobster menu items could disappear in our lifetime.


Erasmo Everett

I'm sure humanity has nothing to do with this.


Chase Maddox

Texas Students To Get DNA Kits To Help Identify Children's Bodies In 'Emergencies'

The state of Texas is sending public school students home with DNA kits designed to help their parents identify their children in case of an emergency, which authorities would use to help find missing children or identify those killed in a school shooting. What do you think?

Now parents have no reason to be anxious.


Vonda Mckinney

That definitely streamlines the whole mass murder process.


Lenard Sanders

Accidentally burying someone else's child is every parent's worst nightmare.


Phil O’Connell

U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss Steps Down After 6 Weeks

U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss resigned after 44 days in office after a failed tax-cutting budget that rocked financial markets and led to a revolt within her own Conservative Party, giving her the shortest PM tenure in U.K. history. What do you think?

Call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to barricading yourself in your office with a gun?


Randal Lam

Six weeks is ample time to realize that Britain isn't worth saving.


Emilia Leonard

Very unwise to quit her job in this economy she tanked.


Claude Wolner

Groundbreaking Film Star To Be First Asian American Featured On U.S. Currency

Early movie star Anna May Wong will be the first Asian American to be featured on U.S. currency, with quarters bearing the actress's image going into circulation next week as part of a program that highlights pioneering women in their respective fields. What do you think?


Noelle Francis

It will be an honor to pay for part of a load of laundry with it.


Danilo Banther

Finally, a reason to get my hands on some money.


Matt Yang

BTS Members To Start Korean Military Service

The music label of BTS has confirmed that the seven members will enlist in South Korea's military as required by law, with the band reconvening again in 2025. What do you think?

If they really cared about their fans, they'd desert.


Peggy Ryan

Well, their music has always been missing a 'horrors of war' factor.


Juan Mejia

Steve Bannon Sentenced To 4 Months For Contempt Of Congress

Steve Bannon, a one-time adviser to former President Donald Trump, has been sentenced to four months in prison for refusing to cooperate with lawmakers investigating last year's U.S. Capitol attack. What do you think?

I just hope prison doesn't radicalize him.


Rex Smalls

Will they grant his request for a special live-kitten diet?


Jasmine Carlini

I think he should take these four months to reflect on better ways to overthrow the government.


Josh Zipfel

First Known Family Of Neanderthals Found In Russian Cave

Scientists have discovered the first known Neanderthal family, identifying the fossilized bone fragments of a father, teenage daughter, and possibly cousins in a Siberian cave that may have served as a seasonal home for their nomadic lifestyle 54,000 years ago. What do you think?

So embarrassing to be excavated with your dad!


Nancy Grice

I find human remains all the time, but you don't see me bragging about it.


Dominic Valentine

A Siberian cave is no place to raise a child.


Matt Tucker

Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister

Former U.K. treasury chief Rishi Sunak has become Britain's first prime minister of color after being chosen to lead a governing Conservative Party, the third person to take the job amid a politically and economically turbulent year for the country. What do you think?

Not sure how he'll appeal to a generation of Truss loyalists.


Jennifer Betancourt

Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister

So they're still doing the whole prime minister thing, huh?


Nick Freed

Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister

Makes you wonder when America is going to elect its first non-white prime minister.


Mindy Perovic

Adidas Drops Kanye West Over Antisemetic Remarks

Adidas ended its partnership with rapper Kanye West over his offensive and antisemitic remarks, the latest company to cut ties with Ye and a decision that the German sportwear company said would hit its bottom line. What do you think?

At least give him a chance to double down!


John Amato

They'll always have the memories of making some very ugly products together.


Keith Gilfoyle

Now I can buy their child labor products without guilt.


Ian Horne

Woman Charged With Sending Swarm Of Bees To Attack Deputies Serving Eviction Notice

A Massachusetts woman is facing multiple assault and battery charges for releasing a swarm of bees on sheriff's deputies as they tried to serve her an eviction notice. What do you think?

The best I'll have is a couple of dead millipedes to chuck at them.


Larry Harlow

I hope the judge takes her creativity into consideration during sentencing.


Jane Schauer

I assume she was also violating the lease's capacity limit for bees.


Alejandro Kowalchuk

Alito Says Leaked Abortion Opinion Made Conservative Justices Targets For Assassination

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito has claimed that the leak of the draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade earlier this year endangered the lives of justices by putting a target on their backs. What do you think?

It's true. Four have been murdered, and there's only two left.


Walker Bensen

No justice should know the fear of an abortion provider.


Danielle Solis

I could have sworn it had something to do with the actual decision.


Jacob Fuda

Tourists Stranded In Grand Canyon Caverns For 24 Hours After Elevator Breaks

Five tourists were rescued 24 hours after an elevator malfunction trapped them 200 feet underground at Arizona's Grand Canyon Caverns. What do you think?

When The Canyon chooses you, your fate is sealed.


Crystal Lowman

This wouldn't have happened if they had visited Arizona's true marvel, State Farm Stadium.


Taylor Mosdal

Yeah, I also refuse to take the stairs under any circumstances.


Chet Chapman

Ballot Paper Shortage Could Cause Problems On Election Day

Election officials warn that the 2022 midterms could be impacted by a ballot paper shortage brought about by supply chain issues during the pandemic and worsened by editing mistakes or last-minute changes to local ballots requiring a large-scale reprint. What do you think?

Imagine how bad this would be in a country where people voted.


Eloy Galloway

That's why I always bring my own reusable ballot from home.


Marianne Wood

Not a problem if enough people are intimidated out of voting.


Solomon Clark

EPA Awards Nearly $1 Billion To Schools For Electric Buses

Nearly 400 school districts spanning all 50 states and Washington, D.C., along with several tribes and U.S. territories, are receiving roughly $1 billion in grants to purchase about 2,500 clean school buses under a new federal program. What do you think?


Osvaldo Eaton

Back in my day, you could get 2,500 school buses for a nickel.


Tiffany Escobar

Now I feel ethically able to send my child to school.


Josephine Carrillo

Tom Brady, Gisele Bündchen Announce Divorce After 13 Years Of Marriage

Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bündchen announced that they amicably finalized their divorce after 13 years of marriage. What do you think?


Clarence Warner

This is exactly why I refuse to date supermodels.


Demarcus Giles

She should have respected his wishes to put his family a distant second.


Gertrude Stark

Study: Conservative Policies Linked To Higher Mortality Rates

A new study found that Americans die younger in conservative states than in those governed by liberals, with simulations showing that changing state policies to fully liberal could have saved more than 171,000 lives in 2019. What do you think?

Yes, but what does life matter if you're not owning the libs?


Darren Blackwell

The fact that I lived past 20 here in Texas means we're still not conservative enough.


Jared Barry

That's called dying for my fuckin' country!


Bill Stone

N-Word Use On Twitter Jumps 500% After Elon Musk Takeover

Elon Musk's Twitter takeover sparked a surge in the usage of racial epithets on the social media platform, with the N-word increasing by nearly 500% in 12 hours by Twitter trolls celebrating the site's purchase by the free speech absolutist. What do you think?

It seems vile now, but out of this marketplace of ideas a new racial slur might emerge.


Kellie Diaz

I have to hope at least some of those were positive.


Linus Murillo

The same thing happened to space once SpaceX went there.


Jean Gamble

Taylor Swift Becomes First Artist In History To Hold Every Top 10 Spot On Billboard Hot 100

Taylor Swift has become the first artist to claim every top 10 spot on Billboard's Hot 100 chart, with all 10 songs coming from her newly released album, Midnights. What do you think?

What an exciting achievement for the monoculture!


Cameron Barrera

I don't think society should pit women against themselves.


Dorian Murphy

And to do it during a week when 'Monster Mash' is everywhere is even more impressive.


Drew Selvig

CDC Warns Severity Of Flu Season Highest In 13 Years

The CDC says the number of positive flu tests so far this season is the highest it's been in 13 years, with already 880,000 recorded cases of influenza illness, the last comparable flu burden being 2009 during the swine flu pandemic. What do you think?

I thought we agreed we were going to stop talking about stuff like that.


Becca Winters

Well, there's no way a pandemic on the scale of 2009 could ever happen again.


Anthony Higgins

I wonder if the general public would be amenable to some kind of flu 'shot.'


Hector Hoffman

Elon Musk Plans To Charge Monthly Fee For Twitter Account Verification

Twitter CEO Elon Musk says he plans to charge Twitter users for using the blue verification checkmark, quickly lowering the amount to $8 per month after sparking criticism for suggesting a $19.99 monthly fee. What do you think?


Sloane Rupar

Now how will I know if my death threats are going to the real Will Wheaton?


Nolan O’Connor

A public town square is only as good as its entrance fee.


Richard Frazier

Judge Issues Restraining Order Against Group Monitoring Ballot Boxes

A federal judge in Phoenix issued a restraining order against right-wing group Clean Elections USA, prohibiting the ballot box watchers from openly carrying guns, recording, or yelling at voters within specified distances of the ballot boxes. What do you think?

Don't forget some of us monitor ballot boxes just for their beauty.


Adeline Reed

Regardless of your political leanings, everyone should get to experience voter intimidation at the polls.


Marlin Sanford

This discriminates against people who simply fear and wish to protect themselves against large metal boxes.


Amara Bailey

Planet Killer' Asteroid Spotted Hiding In Sun's Glare

Astronomers spotted three near-Earth asteroids that were lurking undetected within the glare of the sun, with one of the asteroids dubbed a planet killer due to its potential to one day cross the Earth's orbit. What do you think?

I really wish astronomers would stop getting my hopes up.


Cyril Hanna

Yeah, you can see all sorts of cool stuff if you look straight at the sun.


Mikel Prince

Oh shit! Do you think it knows we're here?


Freeman Barton

Housekeeper Sues Jeff Bezos Over Working Conditions, Discrimination

Jeff Bezos' former housekeeper is suing the billionaire over allegations of racial discrimination and poor working conditions, claiming that she was forced to work 10 to 14 hours per day and was not allowed to use the restroom while he was home. What do you think?

It's sad that he still takes his work home with him.


Sage Hughes

Yeah, but just look how cheap this blender was.


Deangelo Farmer

It's nice that someone as busy as Jeff Bezos still takes the time to discriminate on a one-on-one level.


Conrad Whitney

Shanghai Disney Requires Negative Covid Test For Guests To Leave

Shanghai's Disney Resort abruptly suspended operations on Monday to comply with Covid-19 prevention measures, requiring all visitors at the time of the announcement to stay in the park until they returned a negative test for the virus. What do you think?

I think there's an option where you pay a little extra to avoid getting Covid.


Kehlani Ramos

What do you expect from an oppressive authoritarian regime like Disney?


Derick Oliver

Astros Win First World Series Since Cheating Scandal

The Houston Astros defeated the Philadelphia Phillies to claim the franchise's second World Series title, three years after the team's sign-stealing cheating scandal that made them the most hated team in the MLB. What do you think?

The important thing is now I don't have to hear about baseball again for several months.


Noelle Tang

Glad they figured out how to win without cheating detectably.


Felipe Davis

Now they can hit trash cans in celebration.


Molly Price

Miss Argentina, Miss Puerto Rico Reveal They Are Married

A former Miss Argentina and former Miss Puerto Rico revealed to fans online that they are married, two years after meeting at the Miss Grand International competition where both contestants made it to the top 10. What do you think?

Hopefully their blossoming love doesn't distract them from their official duties.


Ruth King

U.N. Chief Tells Climate Summit: Cooperate Or Perish

U.N. Secretary General António Guterres warned world leaders at the COP27 climate conference this week that the world is on a highway to climate hell, and urged the two biggest polluting countries, China and the United States, to cooperate or perish. What do you think?


Darnell Todd

It won't be easy, but I'm confident we can pull together to collectively ignore this warning.


Marlin Barrett

For the last time, we already chose perish!


Robbie Pruitt

Scientists Discover Fluffy Planet With Density Of A Marshmallow

Astronomers in Arizona discovered a Jupiter-sized planet they think has a density similar to that of a marshmallow, the exoplanet calculated to be about 17 grams per cubic feet and light enough to float in a bathtub of water. What do you think?

That's gonna smell so good when its sun incinerates it.


Mark Britton

This is why you should never search for new planets on an empty stomach.


Helen Aponte

National Park Service Urging Visitors To Stop Licking Toxic Psychedelic Toads

The National Park Service is warning visitors against licking the Sonoran Desert Toad, an amphibian that secretes toxins that also act as a powerful hallucinogen when smoked, with officials stressing that even touching one can make humans very ill. What do you think?

If the toads don't want to be licked they should say so themselves.


Ron Clayton

For a $30 admission fee, I'll lick whatever I want.


Jerrod Hubbard

I didn't lick my way through hundreds of animals to be told 'no' now.


Laverne Rathkup

Chris Evans Named 'People' Magazine's 2022 Sexiest Man Alive

People magazine named Captain America star Chris Evans as this year's Sexiest Man Alive. What do you think?

I hate that it's degenerated into this beauty contest.


Alfredo Carrillo

Unsurprising given how well he did in the debates


Rick Shaffer

Great, like I need another excuse to get horny while waiting for my haircut.


Kenny Silva

First Gen Z Member Elected To Congress

Maxwell Frost, a 25-year-old Democrat, has beaten his opponent in Tuesday's midterm elections to represent Florida's 10th Congressional District as the first Gen Z member of congress. What do you think?

He joins Dianne Feinstein as our only lawmakers who don't remember 9/11.


Stacey Rodriguez

First Gen Z Member Elected To Congress

I bet in the next 20 to 30 years, Congress will be lousy with them.


Leonardo George

First Gen Z Member Elected To Congress

Man, when I was that age, I was barely even state comptroller.


Jayne Cobb

Stolen Bitcoin Worth $3 Billion Found In Popcorn Tin

The U.S. Department of Justice seized $3.36 billion of stolen Bitcoin after a 10-year search, authorities finding the funds hidden on various devices in a hacker's home in an underfloor safe inside a popcorn tin. What do you think?

Can't believe they were able to breach the lid's defense system.


Gene Whitehead

KFC Apologizes For Kristallnacht Chicken And Cheese Promotion

KFC issued an apology after sending a notification to German customers encouraging them to commemorate Germany's 1938 anti-Jewish pogrom with fried chicken and cheese, blaming an error in [their] system. What do you think?

I prefer fast food chains like Wendy's which deny Kristallnacht even happened.


Brinley Alvarez

Before I get mad, how big of a discount was it?


Elijah Anthony

I'd never celebrate such a heinous event with anything less than an endless bucket.


Aron Small

Voters Reelect Dead Pennsylvania State Representative

Voters in Pennsylvania reelected a dead House of Representatives member on Tuesday night, triggering a special election for a later date to fill the deceased Democrat's seat. What do you think?

I worry he'll be too decomposed to make a serious run in 2024.


Catalina Kelly

It does make sense to vote for someone you can be sure will never vote against your interests.


Luis Finley

Wait, you're telling me some of these people are alive?!


Brianna Leib

Democrats Retain Control Of Senate With Nevada Victory

The Democrats will retain their control of the Senate after incumbent Nevada Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto won a tight reelection race, defying polling expectations and giving Democrats the best overall midterm performance for a sitting party in 20 years. What do you think?

Imagine how many progressive policies can be shot down in the next two years.


Martin Akbrud

We're still doing the whole Senate thing, huh?


Derick Oliver

Small Study Shows Money Can Buy Happiness For Households Earning Up To $123,000

A recent study found that most participants given $10,000 reported being happier on a daily basis during the three months they had to spend it than those who did not receive the funds, while those with household incomes over $123,000 reported no noticeable difference. What do you think?


Keisha Bender

Well, with $10,000 you'd be set for life.


Shaun Dodson

Yeah, now that I'm rich, my only pleasure comes from other people's suffering.


Duncan Ross

Fox News Host Warns Democrats Trying To Keep Women Single

Fox News host Jesse Watters is claiming that Democrats are working to keep women single, pointing out that 68% of unmarried women voted blue in the recent election cycle, and that once women settle down and fall in love, they will vote Republican. What do you think?

I wish Democrats were able to successfully coordinate something on that scale.


Jacob Diehl

Those unwed harlots will spread their legs for anyone offering increased social services spending.


Aurelia Walter

Dolly Parton Receives $100 Million From Jeff Bezos To Spend On Charity

Country singer and songwriter Dolly Parton has been awarded a $100 million Courage and Civility award by Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his partner, Lauren Sanchez, with the money to be directed toward charities of Parton's choosing. What do you think?

Imagine how much of Amazon's evil she could undo with this.


Jermaine Myers

That kind of money could save so many poor, hopeless Amazon employees.


Otto Fuentes

That's so much easier than researching charities yourself.


Betsy Kaufman

World Population Reaches 8 Billion

According to the United Nations, the world's population was projected to reach 8 billion yesterday—a mere 11 years since it passed 7 billion, and less than a century after the planet supported just 2 billion people. What do you think?

Luckily, the planet's never been more habitable.


Cesar Doyle

World Population Reaches 8 Billion

That's what happens when you go too long without a good world war.


Nestor Conway

World Population Reaches 8 Billion

And they all seem to be doing 60 in the passing lane.


Bryce Donaldson

TSA Finds Gun Inside Raw Chicken

Security officers at a South Florida airport reported finding a handgun hidden inside a raw chicken packed in a traveler's luggage on a flight heading out of the United States. What do you think?

I'm sure the serial number being scratched off the chicken was a huge red flag.


Carmen Jimenez

TSA Finds Gun Inside Raw Chicken

This makes the many of us who pack raw chicken in our luggage look like smugglers.


Homer Wiley

TSA Finds Gun Inside Raw Chicken

I hope that guy was planning to wash his hands before shooting anyone.


Miles Blackburn

Steve Jobs' Old Birkenstocks Sell For $218,000 At Auction

An undisclosed buyer paid more than $218,000 for the well-worn pair of brown suede, two-strap Birkenstock sandals that Jobs wore in the '70s and '80s—the highest price ever paid for a pair of sandals at auction. What do you think?

Wow, imagine what a new pair must go for.


Ahmad Gilbert

I see he's still overpricing products from the grave.


Addie Rowe

I'm saving up for Bill Gates' penny loafers.


Aliyah Lu

Trump Announces 2024 Presidential Bid

Donald Trump, who tried to overthrow the results of the 2020 presidential election and inspired a deadly riot at the Capitol in a desperate attempt to keep himself in power, announced he is running for president again in 2024. What do you think?

Hilarious. Donald Trump from The Apprentice running for president.


Harold Tanner

Trump Announces 2024 Presidential Bid

I wonder what running mate he'll choose to hang this time.


Damien Gamay

Trump Announces 2024 Presidential Bid

Becoming president again feels like a lateral move at best.


Elsie Reynah

White Teacher In Texas Fired After Telling Students His Race 'The Superior One'

A middle school teacher in Pflugerville, TX was fired after a video was posted to social media showing the white teacher telling his students his race is the superior one. What do you think?

If we fire teachers for this, how will kids be prepared for white supremacy in the real world?


Raymundo Rollins

Parents should get to decide which race their kids are taught is superior.


Greg Rose

White superiority should only be subtly implied through the curriculum.


Chuck Duffy

Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House

Nancy Pelosi, who has led Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives for almost two decades, has announced she is standing down from the role, as Republicans are projected to take back control of the House following the midterm elections. What do you think?


Britney Yoder

I sure hope she didn't take that attempt on her life personally.


Elliott Dwyer

Doesn't she know how hard it is for older women to change careers?


Ken Molina

Elizabeth Holmes Sentenced To More Than 11 Years In Prison

Elizabeth Holmes, founder of the failed start-up Theranos, has been sentenced to 11.25 years for fraud after deceiving investors about the purported efficacy of her company's blood-testing technology. What do you think?

She must pay the price for what she did to Walgreens.


Leo Acosta

Is that the typical sentencing for unrepentant white-collar sociopaths?


Phoebe Hinton

I worry this could discourage others from defrauding investors.


Marquita Morales

Study: Sperm Counts Worldwide Have Plunged 62% In Under 50 Years

A new study found that sperm counts and concentration are down all over the world, decreasing by 62% since the 1970s, with some researchers warning that humans could face a reproductive crisis if action is not taken to tackle the drop in male fertility. What do you think?

You know I have noticed a lot less sperm around here now that you mention it.


Quentin Osborne

I thought mine was looking a little watery.


Lucille Alfaro

Qatar Bans Beer Sales At World Cup Stadiums

Qatar announced it is banning all beer sales at and around its eight World Cup stadiums, the 11th-hour policy change angering fans and longtime World Cup sponsor, Budweiser. What do you think?

Then what am I supposed to pour my whiskey into?


Orrin Campbell

That's why I show up to most places already drunk.


Cameron Johnston

Man, usually absolute monarchies are so chill.


Adele Howe

Mariah Carey Loses 'Queen Of Christmas' Trademark Bid

The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office denied Mariah Carey's application to trademark the moniker Queen of Christmas, which the singer hoped to use as branding for various products, after other artists who also claimed the title opposed it. What do you think?

Maybe writing a song about Christmas would strengthen her case.


Jerold Price

That's a title that can only be conferred by the Pope.


Bennett Guerrero

I think 'Earl of Easter' is still available.


Jordan Vincent

Bob Dylan's Teenage Love Letters Sell For Over $650,000 At Auction

Bob Dylan's love letters he wrote as a teen to his high school sweetheart sold at auction for $669,875, the lot consisting of 42 hand-written letters that spanned 150 pages. What do you think?

My favorite part is where he compares their love to the U.S. government's love for war and injustice.


Dale Christian

Those belong in a museum's properly maintained shoebox.


Keri Barnes

She had no idea the weirdo who relentlessly pestered her would be a music icon.


Benny Aiello

Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump's Tax Returns

The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?

Just in time for it to make a difference.


Ron McElhaney

Luckily he doesn't have a history of shady financial behavior.


Carol Middleton

What kind of respectable billionaire files their taxes?


Jaden Hubbard

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Today, Americans across the country are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?

I'm just grateful to be surrounded by cardboard cutouts of my friends and family.


Corey Adams

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Jesus, I showed up, do I have to be thankful too?


Marina Byrne

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

My parents are divorced so I always get two turkeys.


Judith Borgstrom

U.S. Black Friday Sales Surpass $9 Billion In New Record

Online sales for Black Friday set a new record of $9.2 billion, up 2.3% year over year, with many shoppers using flexible payment plans as the nation continues to grapple with high prices and inflation. What do you think?

I knew inflation had to have its positives.


Tomas Foster

It's sad to see a holy day like Black Friday become just about money.


William Rivera

Frontier Airlines Shuts Down Customer Service Phone Line

Frontier Airlines is doing away with its customer service phone line in its latest cost-cutting measure, the company saying that most customers prefer communicating with service agents via digital channels like its website's live chat or social media. What do you think?

Hope they'll tell the people still on hold.


Nathan Davis

Then who have I been talking to for the past three hours?


Sylvie Brenowitz

That's okay, I didn't like my luggage that much anyway.


Claud Poundstone

Hawaii's Mauna Loa Erupts For First Time In 40 Years

Hawaii's Mauna Loa, the world's largest active volcano, has started to erupt for the first time since 1984, with volcanic ash and debris falling nearby but lava flows not currently threatening any downslope communities. What do you think?

Who would live in Hawaii with relatively minor disturbances occurring every four decades?


Elva Mayer

It's nice to see a natural disaster that isn't our fault.


Herman Dudney

This must be why everyone was telling me not to vacation in Hawaii.


Zach Maynee

Balenciaga Under Fire For BDSM Teddy Bear Campaign

Luxury fashion brand Balenciaga has apologized for its advertising campaign that featured young children posing with teddy bears that appeared to be dressed in BDSM costumes, claiming the ads were not approved by the company. What do you think?

Won't publicly shaming them just make them hornier?


Gavin Blyan

Teddy bears should not be portrayed in anything but vanilla missionary.


Anita Cooney

If you can think of a better way to sell handbags, let's hear it.


Lucia Osborn

Trump Hosts Kanye West, White Nationalist Holocaust Denier At Mar-A-Lago

Donald Trump hosted White nationalist and Holocaust denier Nick Fuentes and rapper Kanye West, who has been under fire recently for antisemitic remarks, at his Mar-a-Lago estate, just one week after announcing his 2024 presidential bid. What do you think?

I take small comfort in knowing each of them had to spend time with the other two.


Mervin Colcher

Jeez, you deny one Holocaust and suddenly you're branded for life.


Leroy Philibert

Hard to imagine Trump as the third-worst antisemite in any group.


Wayne Mondesi

Biden's Secret Service Rental Cars Burst Into Flames At Nantucket Airport

Five cars rented by President Joe Biden's Secret Service detail for his Thanksgiving weekend trip to Nantucket mysteriously burst into flames a day after he left, with the cause of the fire still under investigation. What do you think?

Why are people so quick to read into five of the president's cars catching fire?


Trent Harrison

A real captain would have gone down with the ship.


Nina Joustra

Always check for scratches and explosives before signing a rental agreement.


James Clark

Hakeem Jeffries Elected To House Democratic Leader In Historic First

House Democrats chose caucus chair Hakeem Jeffries of New York to succeed Nancy Pelosi as leader of the Democrats in the chamber next year, a historic move that will make him the first Black person to lead one of the two major parties in either chamber of Congress. What do you think?

Isn't 52 a little young to be leading the Democrats?


Vivian Kirk

He probably had to kill twice as many progressive bills as his white colleagues to get to where he is today.


Daryl Williams

Hopefully this paves the way for future corporate attorneys to seek leadership positions.


Omar Bonnet

NYC Will Hospitalize Mentally Ill People Involuntarily

New York City mayor Eric Adams directed police and emergency medical workers to take individuals who appear mentally ill into custody involuntarily for psychiatric evaluations. What do you think?

That ought to teach them not to be failed by the system.


Mohammad Ayad

This is as close to politicians investing in mental health as we're going to get.


Sara Denham

Being forcibly detained by a man with a gun usually quells my inner demons.


John Sullivan

Oath Keepers Found Guilty Of Seditious Conspiracy In Capitol Attack

Five members of the fair-right group Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, were found guilty of seditious conspiracy and other offenses in connection with the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. What do you think?

Now President Trump swoops in with the pardon just as planned.


Michael Bayham

No way they were going to get a fair trial outside of the Confederacy.


Kamara McCoy

I look forward to protesting their statues in the future.


Mallory Cardenas

8,000 U.S. Soldiers Accidentally Tear-Gassed During Morale-Boosting Activity

8,000 U.S. army soldiers were accidentally tear-gassed during a physical morale event when organizers took the unusual step of marking the boundary of the course with CS gas without warning soldiers who did not have any protective gear. What do you think?

If we can do that to our own soldiers, imagine what we could do to our enemies.


Hank Bahri

So our woke military can't even breathe tear gas?


Chris Mangione

I'm just glad they didn't attempt any trust shootings.


Thad Suchanek

Bob Dylan Apologizes For Machine-Printed 'Signatures'

Bob Dylan has apologized for an error in judgment, after it emerged that he used a machine to autograph special $599 copies of his new book that had been advertised as hand signed. What do you think?

But the best part was knowing an 81-year-old had to sign his name 5,000 times.


Randal Lazzeri

I had my suspicions when it was legible.


Renée Fischer

So who signed my boobs at Barnes & Noble?


Ted Soto

Avian Flu Kills 50 Million Birds In Record U.S. Outbreak

The USDA reported over 50 million birds have died amid a record-breaking outbreak of avian flu in the United States, affecting flocks in 46 states and surpassing a previous high set in 2015. What do you think?


Milo Sauls

Nice to be able to just sit back and watch a pandemic for once.


Latonya Meza

This explains why we had Thanksgiving hot dogs this year.


Elwood Staunton

Donald Trump Calls To Terminate Constitution

Former President Trump has claimed the Constitution can be terminated to reinstate him as president, falsely citing election fraud as grounds, after Elon Musk released information about Twitter's role in limiting access to a story about Hunter Biden,. What do you think?


Ferdinand Beser

The Founding Fathers had some pretty strong feelings about candidate offspring and their laptops.


Donna Castaneda

Before we say no, let's hear how much money he's offering.


Leatrice Uvalles

Students Uncover Under-Desk Surveillance Devices

Northeastern University in Boston faces criticism after students discovered heat-monitoring devices installed under their desks to secretly track desk usage without students' knowledge or consent. What do you think?

At least school tuition is going towards new technology in the classrooms.


Dusty Portillo

A few discreet locker room cams is one thing, but this is outrageous.


Earnest Giannecchini

This is why I don't go around giving off heat.


Antony Pezzullo

Indonesia Bans Sex Outside Of Marriage

Indonesia's parliament has approved a new criminal code that bans anyone in the country from having extramarital sex, including tourists while visiting, with the law carrying a one-year jail term. What do you think?

Can I just do community service if it's a handjob?


Blanche Creegan

Indonesia Bans Sex Outside Of Marriage

It's none of the government's business whether I see the gates of heaven or not.


Marcos Cipolone

Indonesia Bans Sex Outside Of Marriage

As long as everyone can repress all their sexual urges, I don't see this having disturbing consequences.


Evita Bawany

Milo Yiannopoulos Fired From Kanye West's 2024 Presidential Campaign

Right-wing extremist and former Marjorie Taylor-Green intern Milo Yiannopoulos was reportedly fired from Kanye West's 2024 presidential campaign following a string of disastrous media appearances by West and rumored campaign infighting. What do you think?

I'm sure he'll land on his feet somewhere even more embarrassing.


Brad Lovett

It's always hard to hear about people losing their jobs just before the holidays.


Ana Patterson

Trump Organization Found Guilty On All Counts Of Tax Fraud

Donald Trump's real estate company has been found guilty on all 17 charges of tax fraud and other crimes related to a 15-year-long criminal scheme to defraud tax authorities. What do you think?

It'll take more than that to tarnish the Trump name.


Micha Burkes

There's no way the Trump Organization can run for president now.


Louis Graves

We can't let Hunter Biden get away with this.


Mauricio Huggins

Brittney Griner Released From Russian Prison In Swap For Convicted Arms Dealer

Phoenix Mercury center and WNBA All-Star Brittney Griner has been released from a Russian penal colony and is in United States custody after a prisoner exchange for arms dealer Viktor Bout. What do you think?

If Biden's just going to negotiate their release, what's to stop everyone from going to Russian prison?


Liam Wheeler

Good. America's prisons shouldn't be squandered on non-American criminals.


Teresa Bauer

It's not our fault none of their shitty players were worth capturing.


Dom Parsons

Germany Foils QAnon-Linked Terror Plot To Overthrow Government

German authorities arrested 25 suspected members of Reichsbürger, an extremist organization influenced by QAnon conspiracy theories that espouses a doctrine similar to that of far-right groups in the U.S, in an alleged plot to overthrow the government. What do you think?

It's okay. No one overthrows their government on their first try.


Abigail Doyle

German efficiency is a double-edged sword.


Tyrone Scott

Interesting idea to foil the plot before the insurrection.


Santiago Rivera

Musk's Neuralink Faces Federal Inquiry After Killing 1,500 Animals In Testing

Elon Musk's brain-implant company Neuralink is reportedly under federal investigation related to accusations from employees that pressure from the CEO to produce results led to barbaric and botched surgeries on monkeys, sheep, and pigs involved in scientific tests. What do you think?

But imagine the cool memes those animals got to see in their minds before they died.


Xavier MacDougall

Well, yeah, they need to make sure it's capable of killing humans.


Ella Gallagher

The public deserves to know why more animals weren't killed.


Kate Rozenfeld

Wordle' Is 2022's Most-Googled Search Term

Wordle was the most-searched term on Google in 2022, both in the United States and globally, beating out Ukraine and Queen Elizabeth. What do you think?

Just more proof that Americans aren't watching enough porn.


Zidane Guddeman

I guess my fetish isn't so niche after all.


Yusuf Faez

I guess there just wasn't much else going on this year.


Jewell Arnold

Arizona Governor Building Illegal Makeshift Border Wall During Final Days In Office

Arizona Gov. Doug Doucey is erecting an illegal border wall of double-stacked shipping containers along parts of the U.S.–Mexico border, which runs through federal and tribal land, as a final act before he leaves office in January. What do you think?

The best security measures are always makeshift.


Lamarcus Conroy

I don't understand why he can't just do it legally.


Bret Ruggieri

San Francisco Backtracks On Allowing Police Robots To Use Deadly Force

Supervisors in San Francisco have backtracked on a decision to give city police the ability to use robots as deadly force against a suspect, after public outcry that it would lead to the further militarization of a police force already too aggressive with poor and minority communities. What do you think?

The robots probably couldn't afford to live in San Francisco either.


Marnie Dusing

Fine, as long as someone gets to use deadly force.


Noel Casewell

It was a slippery slope once we allowed robots to vacuum.


Derek Balcom

Kansas Keystone Pipeline Leak Largest In Pipeline's History

A recent Keystone Pipeline failure in northeastern Kansas has been contained after an estimated 14,000 barrels of crude oil spilled in a natural waterway, making it the largest spill in the pipeline's history. What do you think?

Don't worry, I'm sure there'll be a much larger one.


Lucie Strader

Sounds like some lucky body of water just got a bunch of free gas.


Braydon Shively

Has the cause of the leak been breezed over yet?


Connor Drysdale

Bill Protecting Same-Sex Marriage Signed Into Law

President Biden has signed into law the Respect for Marriage Act, mandating federal protections to same-sex and interracial couples, amid fears that the conservative Supreme Court might revisit the right to same-sex marriage after it rescinded the right to an abortion. What do you think?

Yet another law that reminds me of how alone I am.


Juliana Paben

How do I explain to my kids that this threatens the sanctity of marriage when it's my turn with them next weekend?


Milo Porter

This will only make the Supreme Court angrier.


Nelson Zettler

Woman' Named Dictionary.com's 2022 Word Of The Year

Dictionary.com has named woman its 2022 word of the year, calling the word inseparable from the story of 2022 after abortion rights and ongoing cultural conversations around gender, identity, and language dominated discussion this year. What do you think?


Debora Emel

U.S. Announces Nuclear Fusion Energy Breakthrough

Scientists have successfully produced a nuclear fusion reaction resulting in a net energy gain, a major breakthrough in a decades-long quest to unleash an infinite source of clean energy that could help end dependence on fossil fuels. What do you think?

It'll take some pretty big fundraising dinners to stop this.


Spencer West

If clean energy is so great, why haven't we invaded anyone for it yet?


Malcolm Gareau

I thought we all agreed Earth was more of a run-out-the-clock scenario.


Shane Guzman

Elon Musk No Longer Richest Person In World

Elon Musk is no longer the world's richest man after a sharp drop in the value of his shares in electric car company Tesla this year, losing the top spot to France's Bernard Arnault, the chief executive of LVMH, the luxury group that owns brands like Louis Vuitton. What do you think?

At least he still has his sense of humor.


Francisca Choi

Luckily, he already has an inferiority complex.


Jaime Kohagen

Then why the fuck are we even talking about him?


Samantha Graham

Senate Votes To Ban TikTok On Government Devices

The Senate has unanimously approved legislation that would ban the use of TikTok on government phones and devices as part of the push to combat security concerns related to the Chinese-owned social media company. What do you think?

God help the staffer who has to explain to Biden what he's signing.


James Gomez

Good. I prefer our congress people's data to be stolen by an American company.


Shawn Ko

Now the only hurdle is teaching senile legislators how to delete an app from their phone.


Tyler Larsen

Trump Mocked For 'Major Announcement' He's Selling Trading Cards

Former President Donald Trump is being mocked over his major announcement that he's selling $99 limited-edition digital trading cards featuring himself depicted as a superhero and astronaut among other characters. What do you think?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so committed to giving him all my money.


Fiona Adamzik

Wow, there's no way Trump could salvage his political career after doing something that gets mocked!


Brandon Price

Trade you two DeSantises and a rookie Bret Baier.


Ada Leclerc

Argentina Wins 2022 World Cup

Argentina defeated France in penalty kicks to win the 2022 World Cup, marking the first time since 1986 that the South American nation has won the title. What do you think?


Ian Gelbart

Argentina Wins 2022 World Cup

This would have been useful information to have had on Saturday.


Grant Tong

Argentina Wins 2022 World Cup

This is a great day for the Nazi diaspora.


James Gustafson

Giant Aquarium Housing 1,500 Fish Bursts In Berlin

Berlin's AquaDom, the largest freestanding cylindrical aquarium in the world, burst last week, sending a wave of 264,000 gallons of water, glass, and tropical fish pouring into the center of the German capital. What do you think?

So the fish are in control now, I assume?


Leilah Adkins

Yet another mass-casualty event at the hands of the Germans.


Marcus Salvesen

Twitter Users Vote For Elon Musk To Step Down As CEO

Millions of Twitter users asked Elon Musk to step down as head of Twitter in a poll the billionaire created and promised to abide by. What do you think?

Even Elon Musk isn't safe from Elon Musk's Twitter layoffs.


Monique Dewey

To be fair, a lot of those people are biased by their desire for a functional social media platform.


Jim Quinlan

It's for the best. He has other companies he should be destroying right now.


Cliff Zarley

Fortnite' Maker Fined $520 Million For Invading Kids' Privacy And Tricking Players

Fortnite creator Epic Games will pay a record $520 million to settle allegations that it illegally collected children's personal information and used dark patterns to encourage accidental in-game purchases. What do you think?

I hope they have a creepy way of making that money back.


Mandy Lee

I blame parents for letting their kids have personal information.


Skyler McManus

We let these companies babysit our kids for free, and they betray us like this?


Sabrina Wilson

U.N. Votes To Remove Iran From Women's Rights Council

The United Nations has voted to remove Iran from its Commission on the Status of Women for the remainder of its 2022–2026 term, a response to the brutal crackdown on women-led protests against the regime. What do you think?

Maybe there's a Women's Oppression Council they can join.


Will Plummer

Way to hit Iran where it'll really hurt.


Owen Hecht

You can't brutally clamp down on anyone these days.


Lori Stack

Powerful 'Bomb Cyclone' Expected To Disrupt Holiday Travel

A powerful arctic winter storm making its way through the nation this week will evolve into a rapidly intensifying 'bomb cyclone,' with officials warning travelers of flight cancellations and dangerous traffic conditions in the days leading up to Christmas. What do you think?

If I can't travel, I guess I'll just get into passive-aggressive fights with some friends.


Lewis Bahadian

It's gonna take a lot more than life-threatening travel conditions to stop me from spending time with people I hate.


Lou Belestier

Nazi Secretary, 97, Convicted For Role In 10,000 Murders At Death Camp

A 97-year-old woman who worked as a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been convicted by a German court of being an accessory to the murder of more than 10,000 people. What do you think?

I didn't realize Nazism was still frowned upon in some countries.


Bree Won

I believe they're called 'Nazi assistants' now.


Timothy Wallis

Whoa, let's not call someone a Nazi just because she was a Nazi.


Sonny Meldal

James Cameron 'Proves' Jack Couldn't Have Survived Titanic Sinking

Titanic director James Cameron says he commissioned a scientific study that proves Leonardo DiCaprio's character could not have survived the floating door scene with Kate Winslet's Rose, a response to angry fans saying the makeshift raft could hold them both. What do you think?

Then how is Leonardo DiCaprio still alive?


Diego Johnsen

I think I'll wait until this study is peer-reviewed to form an opinion.


Katherine Huang

Now prove that the ship couldn't have survived.


Frank Jesperson

Drake Gifts DJ Khaled 4 Luxury Toilets For Christmas

DJ Khaled took to Instagram to show off his four new luxury toilets gifted to him for Christmas by Canadian rapper Drake, the toilets costing up to $20,000 each and featuring a UV-light cleaning system, deodorizer, heated seats, night light, and bidet function. What do you think?

No more shitting in the trash can for him!


Kyle Assante

I wish my friends cared this much about my bowel movements.


Enid Tutton

Sounds like somebody accidentally bought themselves five luxury toilets.


Silas Gagliano

Zombie Virus Revived After 48,500 Years In Permafrost

Scientists revived a virus that had been trapped in Siberian permafrost for nearly 50,000 years, bolstering concerns that global warming will lead to ancient pathogens being released as higher temperatures lead to large swaths of permafrost melting. What do you think?


Liliana Bradley

Any chance a vaccine got frozen alongside it?


Eugene Lorenz

Fifty thousand years is too far back in time to figure out exactly which minority group I should blame.


Eddy Keats

French Baguette Given UNESCO World Heritage Protection

The French baguette is now under UNESCO safeguarding as an item of intangible cultural heritage after France's culture ministry warned of a continuous decline in the number of traditional bakeries, with some 400 closing every year over the past half century. What do you think?

I hope this gives baguettes protection to safely reproduce.


Theo Klamm

America must act immediately to preserve the McRib.


Bernadine Yu

After the eradication of the croissant we can't take any chances.


Gemma Tillman

Narcan Vending Machine Reverses 600 Overdoses

A Cincinnati harm-reduction vending machine that stocks Narcan and fentanyl test strips for free to drug users has reportedly reversed nearly 600 overdoses. What do you think?

Definitely more effective than the Narcan Claw Machine.


DeShawn Myers

I knew doctors would be replaced by vending machines eventually.


Lester Hashim

Offering these items for free only encourages the use of vending machines.


Tamera Parker

Studio Offers Free Kanye West Tattoo Removal

A London studio is offering to remove tattoos of the artist now known as Ye for free following a string of controversies surrounding the U.S. rapper. What do you think?

Won't erase the shame of getting one to begin with.


Jack Wigdor

I will continue to use my thigh as a tool for mental health awareness.


Max Peters

Thank God. I'm tired of having this constant, sickening reminder of the Jesus Is King album


Kerrie Calamia

England No Longer Majority Christian

A new census report shows that England is no longer majority Christian, with those claiming Christianity falling from 59% in 2011 to 46%, and citizens claiming no religion rising 12%. What do you think?


Chester Carrillo

England No Longer Majority Christian

See, this is why countries need to mention God on their money.


Marcus Bradford

England No Longer Majority Christian

We must go colonize England in the name of God!


Zeke Bridgeman

Hertz To Pay $168 Million After Falsely Accusing Customers Of Stealing Rental Cars

Hertz will pay $168 million to settle hundreds of claims by customers who the company falsely reported stole their vehicles, with some innocent renters arrested or jailed for months. What do you think?

You can never be too sure about why someone is driving a car off your rental lot.


Marguerite Salinas

That's why I always pay extra for the false arrest insurance.


Dillon Chakery

I heard rewards members got off with a citation.


Jorge Cicero

Florida Woman Suing Velveeta Over 'False' Cooking Time Claim

A Florida woman has filed suit against Velveeta alleging that the statement on its microwavable shells-and-cheese meal is false and misleading because the product takes longer to cook than the advertised three-and-a-half minutes. What do you think?


Dania Parker

This must've caused a lot of distress in her life if she's willing to admit to eating Velveeta.


Carlos Nitales

No one wants to be on their deathbed regretting all the time Velveeta wasted.


Elias Horton

Hospital Patient Arrested For Switching Off Neighbor's 'Noisy' Oxygen Machine

A 72-year-old hospital patient in Germany has been arrested after she allegedly twice switched off the oxygen equipment on which a fellow patient depended because it was too noisy, and doing so despite knowing the oxygen supply was a vital measure. What do you think?

You should be able to hit snooze on it for 10 minutes.


Nolan Glavas

I'll never forget making the difficult decision to pull the plug on my mom because she was drowning out the TV.


Amber Sachdev

Did she even try politely asking the person to stop breathing?


Denise Cavicchio

South Koreans To Become Younger As Traditional Age System Scrapped

South Korea passed laws to scrap its traditional method of counting ages, in which citizens are deemed to be a year old when born with a year added every Jan. 1, and adopt the international standard, causing everyone to lose one or two years of age. What do you think?

Why do our dumb calendars only go forward?


Darrel Katz

So our kids are even further behind them in education than we thought.


Tramaine Anderson

Does this mean my grandma is alive again?


Haley Mueller

New Zealand Imposes Lifelong Ban On Youth Buying Cigarettes

New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you think?

Must be weird having a government that actively wants you to live.


Chase Rappaport

But slowly destroying your body is a natural part of growing up.


Edgar Hughes

Good. There are so many healthier ways to get cancer.


Victor Russo

World's Oldest Jeans Found In 1857 Shipwreck Sell For $114,000

A pair of white, heavy-duty miner's pants pulled from a 1857 shipwreck, which auction officials described as the oldest known pair of jeans in the world, have sold at auction for $114,000. What do you think?


Esther Ryles

Once you find a style of pants that fit, you'll pay any price for them.


Colt Massey

Somewhere a pantless spirit haunts the high seas.


Sibyl Knorp

E.U. To Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights

The European Commission will permit airlines to provide 5G connectivity on board, allowing passengers to make phone calls and use high-speed data on their cell phones during their flight. What do you think?

If it's not going to crash the plane, why bother?


Carter Bosh

Now I can call the police when my flight attendant says they ran out of apple juice.


Emmerich Gattuso

They should just let people bring all their friends and family to talk with in person.


Michelle Bairwell

France To Offer Free Condoms To Adults Up To Age 25

French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to reduce the spread of STIs, which increased by 30% over the last two years. What do you think?

I thought herpes was part of the French mystique.


Joseph Hutchings

They should also give out free cigarettes for after.


Reed Fontana

James Patterson To Complete Unfinished Michael Crichton Book

Bestselling author James Patterson is set to complete an unfinished manuscript by the late Michael Crichton, a story in which the imminent eruption of Hawaii's Mauna Loa volcano threatens a secret cache of deadly chemical weapons. What do you think?

For the sake of continuity, I hope Patterson can write in a similar font.


Jules Hanke

How good could the book be if Crichton didn't even bother to stay alive and finish it?


Carolyn Newton

Wonder if we'll be able to tell exactly when it goes from bad to worse.


Syed Kilgus

New York Bans Pet Stores From Selling Cats, Dogs, Rabbits

New York has become the latest state to ban the sale of cats, dogs, and rabbits in pet stores, passing a law that will take effect in 2024 and target commercial breeding operations decried by critics as puppy mills. What do you think?

Looks like the kid's getting a boa constrictor this year.


Jack Escoto

I only get my pets from dog walkers who aren't paying attention.


Sloane Castro

Study Finds Dolphins May Suffer From Alzheimer's Disease

A study has found that the brains of some stranded dolphins showed classic markers of human Alzheimer's disease, supporting the theory that mass strandings occur when one animal becomes confused and leads their pod into dangerously shallow waters. What do you think?

You always worry when a dolphin forgets where they put their red ball.


Burt Kraynak

That explains why that dolphin at the zoo never recognizes me.


Nick Jaeger

Take away their driver's licenses—protests be damned!


Paula Lex

Vatican Defrocks Anti-Abortion Priest Who Used Aborted Fetus In Sermon

The Vatican has defrocked the American anti-abortion priest Frank Pavone for what it called blasphemous communications on social media and persistent disobedience after he placed an aborted fetus on an altar and posted a video of it on two social media sites. What do you think?

I knew I shouldn't have given my aborted fetus to that priest.


Armand Hamilton

Basically how I got fired from my job, too.


Carlos Rollins

Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting

Republican Kevin McCarthy was elected House speaker on a historic post-midnight 15th ballot early Saturday, after making extensive concessions to right-wing hardliners that raised questions about the party's ability to govern. What do you think?

Who knew the party that tried to overthrow the government would be so bad at government?


Beatrix Wallace

Any more rounds and this would've turned embarrassing.


Jaida Gaillard

Bolsonaro Supporters Storm Brazil's Congress

Supporters of former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro who refuse to accept his election defeat stormed Congress, the Supreme Court, and presidential palace in the capital, a week after the inauguration of his leftist rival, President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. What do you think?

I hate seeing this kind of behavior unrelated to a soccer game.


Matt Theule

There go my vacation plans for Brazil's Supreme Court.


Butch Culhane

I'm trying to get more involved in politics this year too.


Carl Pearson

Dr. Dre Serves Marjorie Taylor Greene Cease-And-Desist Order For Using Song

Rapper Dr. Dre has sent a cease-and-desist letter to U.S. politician Marjorie Taylor Greene, after she used his song Still D.R.E. in a promotional video. What do you think?


Stanley Eagan

But hip hop is such an integral part of Greene's political brand.


Amanda Slowey

I bet all the fans of both Greene and Dr. Dre are so conflicted.


Wyatt Brezinski

Hole In Ozone Will Mend By 2066, U.N. Report Finds

A recently released United Nations assessment found that the hole in the Earth's protective ozone layer is on track to fully mend by 2066, following measures taken by world governments in the late 1980s to phase out ozone-depleting substances. What do you think?

So we just taught the ozone layer that we'll fix all its problems.


Duncan Smith

Now, if we all just keep very still, nothing else bad will happen.


Sonia Chung

Thank god we've found other ways to kill the planet.


Dex Wolpert

New York GOP Calls On George Santos To Resign

New York Republican officials have called on embattled Rep. George Santos to resign from office over his lies to voters and fabrications about his personal life. What do you think?

If he has any dignity, he'll do the mature thing and relentlessly double down.


Jose Markis

He didn't watch his friends die at Iwo Jima just to resign now.


Ilana Karber

Even if he resigned, would anyone believe him?


Ned Chase

Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain

Copyrights on works from 1927, including Arthur Conan Doyle's short story collection The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes, have expired, making the works open to the public to legally share, perform, reuse, repurpose, or sample without permission or cost. What do you think?

Just a few more years until I can have him meet the Smurfs.


Herschel Pennucci

Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain

Glad I can finally use deductive reasoning without getting sued.


Yvonne Caughran

Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain

I guess Hollywood can finally start making their Sherlock movies and TV shows now.


Andy DeMarco

Second Batch Of Classified Documents Found In Biden's Home Garage

Aides to President Joe Biden discovered at least one additional batch of classified documents in his home garage in Delaware. What do you think?


Lance Riggers

Dear God, just think of the harm those could do if they fell into Biden's hands!


Victoria Thomas

The documents can't be that important if they were brought to Delaware.


Neal Jimenez

Amtrak Passengers Stranded On Train For 29 Hours Feared They Were Being Kidnapped

Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think?

I always pay the extra money for the panic room sleeper car.


Melissa Gerke

That's why I never get into a stranger's train.


Ben Robins

Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut

Apple CEO Tim Cook will take a more than 40% pay cut this year after criticism from shareholders, a decision that will reduce his annual pay package from last year's $99.4 million to $49 million. What do you think?

Hopefully, some of those savings get passed down to the company's slaves.


Nydia Gurbush

Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut


Orville Woods

Tim Cook Takes 40% Pay Cut

Just $49 million? That's less than I make in 600 years!


Marcus Blevins

USDA Approves First Vaccine For Honeybees

The United States Department of Agriculture has approved the first-ever vaccine for honeybees to protect the insects from American foulbrood disease, a fatal bacterial disease that can destroy entire honeybee colonies. What do you think?

Canine heartworm medicine is way more effective than the bee vaccine.


Nicholas Bentz

I stand in solidarity with any insect that refuses to comply.


Maxine Ferr

I just hope their queen doesn't politicize this.


Cassidy Pickler

Failed GOP Candidate Arrested In Shootings Targeting Elected Democrats

Police arrested Solomon Peña, a former Republican candidate for New Mexico's legislature, on suspicion of orchestrating recent shootings that damaged homes of Democratic elected leaders in the state. What do you think?

You just know his opponent is going to use this in his attack ads next time around.


Jim Swan

Sorry, but orchestrating violence is reserved for elected Republicans.


Joseph Buckalew

Everyone processes loss in their own way.


Charles Rodriguez

China's Population Drops For First Time In Decades

China has recorded its first population decline since the late 1950s, the result of restrictive population planning measures that could stifle growth in the world's second largest economy for decades. What do you think?

Hopefully this means a future where backbreaking sweatshop labor returns to the U.S.


Dan Ahari

I hope they use the extra space for something cool like a pool table.


Melanie Stanowsky

I'm glad I live in America where people are forced to have children they don't want.


Lynn Ahrens

U.S. Cancer Death Rates Fall 33% Since 1991

According to a new report from the American Cancer Society, the rate of people dying from cancer in the United States has declined 33% since 1991, the trend being attributed to early detection, lower rates of smoking, and advancements in treatment. What do you think?

I worry we've failed to replace it with other ways to die.


Justin Nicols

New Zealand Prime Minister Resigns Citing Burnout

New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who gained international praise for her adept response to the nation's worst mass shooting and pandemic, will step down, saying she no longer had enough in the tank to do the job justice. What do you think?

Why is she so stressed? It's just New Zealand.


Adolfo Lopez

She wouldn't cut it in America, where our leaders can tolerate multiple mass shootings.


Ali Blau

I thought it was a politician's job to cling to power well past senility.


Scott DeRuiter

Florida Bans African American Studies Course

Florida is barring high school students from taking a new advanced placement course on African American studies, claiming the lessons run contrary to state law and that it significantly lacks educational value. What do you think?

We need to be giving more credit to the white oppressors who made this course possible.


Gary Fluornoy

I'm sure there's a perfectly racist explanation for this.


Brian Verdugo

Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter

Oscar-nominated actor Alec Baldwin will be charged with involuntary manslaughter in the fatal shooting of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, whom he killed while rehearsing with a pistol on the New Mexico set of the Western movie Rust. What do you think?

I can only hope this leads to improved protocols when dealing with a Baldwin.


Elaine McAuley

Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter

This is why I never stand in front of people.


Andrew Fujimura

Alec Baldwin Charged With Manslaughter

Of course the actor gets all the credit for the hard work of the crew.


Lance Romero

Sailor Survives 24 Days At Sea Eating Only Ketchup, Seasonings

Dominican sailor Elvis Francois was rescued by the Colombian navy after he says his sailboat was swept off to sea while making repairs, surviving the 24-day ordeal by eating only a bottle of ketchup and some seasonings. What do you think?

My God, I hope at the very least it was Heinz.


Ron Cherniak

Big deal, I did that for all of college.


Katie Hall

I can't imagine someone could live that long without any mustard at all.


Emily Corke

Pizza Hut Sets New Guinness World Record For Largest Pizza

Pizza Hut has broken the world record for the world's largest pizza, making a nearly 14,000 square-foot New York-style pizza capable of serving 68,000 slices. What do you think?

Good luck finding thousands of people willing to eat Pizza Hut.


August Sevenay

I still think getting two mediums is a better deal.


Derek Haynie

Finally, America is building things again.


Wendell Ritz

Doomsday Clock Moves 10 Seconds Closer To Midnight

The Doomsday Clock has been moved forward to 90 seconds to midnight, the closest the metaphorical clock has ever been to signaling imminent human-caused catastrophe. What do you think?

So there's still time to make things even worse?


Mischa Gayler

It's times like these I'm glad I don't believe in clocks.


Felipe Abel

This is blatant anti-catastrophe propaganda.


Rafael Gill

Water From Splash Mountain Selling For Up To $1,000 On eBay After Ride Closes

People are selling water they claim is from Disney World's Splash Mountain ride for as much as $1,000 after the ride based on the racist 1946 film Song of the South closed for good this week. What do you think?

Give me a break, that water could be from any racially charged theme park ride.


Julia VanSickle

If you could pay such a small price to hold a piece of the Library of Alexandria in your hands would you not be tempted?


Lance Bailey

That would make a nice puddle on my mantle.