Edna Laffrey

David Copperfield To Congress: Recognize Magic As Art

Magician David Copperfield is lobbying Congress to pass a resolution recognizing magic as a rare and valuable art form, a distinction that would allow for grant funding and intellectual property protections. What do you think?

Sure, he's really magic until he suddenly needs federal funding.


Dell Thomas

If we open this door now, the hypnotists won't be too far behind. We can't take that chance.


Isaac Ortberg

Coffee No Longer Considered Carcinogenic

In a reversal of its previous determination that drinking coffee can cause cancer, the World Health Organization has announced they've actually found no evidence that coffee contains carcinogens. What do you think?

Finally, we can begin reopening our nation's shuttered cafés.


Louise Shipman

I think they'll change their minds once they find out about Dunkin' Donuts' Old Fashioned Butter Pecan Coffee Coolatta.


Jake Berghoff

NASA, UAE Collaborate On Mars Exploration

To hit their target of reaching Mars by 2030, NASA has signed an agreement to collaborate with the United Arab Emirates Space Agency to make Mars exploration a priority, with the two nations pledging to share research, technology, and possibly even spacecraft. What do you think?


Dick Chelton

I knew NASA's funding was low, but not cooperate-with-other-countries low.


Eileen Cassell

Together, there's no telling how many empty skyscrapers we can build on Mars!


Anita Potthoff

Senate Dems Filibuster For Gun Laws

Senator Chris Murphy filibustered for over 14 hours yesterday to condemn the Senate's inaction on gun control, eventually securing a promise that the Senate will vote on measures to expand background checks. What do you think?

It's like I always say: less inaction, more talk!


Darren Teague

Senate Dems Filibuster For Gun Laws

Fourteen hours is a long time, but it will all have been worth it to see those measures formally voted down.


Leo Haddock

Senate Dems Filibuster For Gun Laws

Never have my own 14-hour hindrances to workplace productivity been this inspiring.


Mira Barlow

Led Zeppelin Sued Over 'Stairway To Heaven'

Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, members of the rock band Led Zeppelin, appeared at trial this week over allegations they stole the chord progression for Stairway To Heaven from Taurus, a song by Zeppelin's 1960s tourmates Spirit, though Page and Plant maintain they wrote their iconic song in a remote cottage in Wales and were not influenced by Taurus. What do you think?

Oh, please. 'I wrote my hit song in an isolated cottage' is the oldest excuse in the book.


Wally McGraw

It was the '60s! Everyone was ripping off Spirit back then.


Abel Gustafson

If anyone deserves a writing credit it's clearly the lush, inspiring Welsh countryside.


Chet Poland

First Mammal Goes Extinct From Global Warming

The Bramble Cay melomys, a rodent native to a single tiny Australian landmass near Papua New Guinea, is the first mammal species proven to have gone extinct from rising sea levels caused by global climate change. What do you think?

Thank goodness Australia is so far away.


Vera Baltz

This is the kind of harsh reality we'll just have to learn to ignore from now on.


Ian Winger

I guess I need to think of a different birthday present for my kid now.


Alexa DiGiorgi

Hamilton' Casts New Lead

With Lin-Manuel Miranda ending his run as the title character in the hit Broadway show Hamilton this July, it was announced that the role will be filled by Javier Muñoz, a veteran actor who initially developed Hamilton's stage character alongside Miranda. What do you think?

This casting choice makes a lot of sense, given Nathan Lane's packed schedule.


Elliot Pinker

Hamilton' Casts New Lead

There's no way this man I'm totally unfamiliar with can live up to a man I first heard of six months ago.


Alexei Vaca

Hamilton' Casts New Lead

But that could drive ticket prices down to a mere $1,500 per seat.


Viktor Camden

Prince William Featured On Gay Magazine

In a first for the Royal Family, Prince William is featured on the cover of a gay publication, Attitude, in which he discusses the dangerous repercussions of homophobia and condemns the resultant bullying of gay teens. What do you think?

If an effete European prince can't convince homophobes of the error of their ways, no one can.


Grace Stultz

Prince William Featured On Gay Magazine

This is a far cry from his previous stance that everyone should be bullied.


Arnie Silven

Prince William Featured On Gay Magazine


Evelyn Trotter

Finding Dory' Sets Box-Office Record

Thirteen years after the release of Finding Nemo, the sequel, Finding Dory, earned $136 million in its opening weekend, breaking the box-office record for animated films previously held by 2007's Shrek The Third. What do you think?

My kids loved it, but they'll watch anything with Albert Brooks.


Donald Braun

Finding Dory' Sets Box-Office Record

Thank God. I was getting sick of all the constant gloating from Shrek fans.


Deacon Merrell

Finding Dory' Sets Box-Office Record

Hollywood, take note. Audiences are still hungry for emotionally resonant stories that haven't been told in at least a decade.


Nate Thurkin

Free Meals Sway Doctors To Prescribe More Name Brands

Federal databases showed that doctors treated to meals by pharmaceutical reps were more likely to prescribe name-brand medications, a concerning implication for patients who save significantly on generic prescriptions. What do you think?

Then what's the point of all those expensive bus ads?


Gabby Cromwell

The Hippocratic oath has always made exceptions for a fillet done just right.


Darien Wirtz

Well, it would be rude to eat that free entrée and not funnel billions of dollars to Big Pharma in return.


Ty Greenberg

Obama Puts Spotlight On National Parks

In the midst of a national park deficit of $12 billion, President Obama is touring Yosemite and Carlsbad Caverns to discuss the benefits of protecting these areas from deterioration and climate change, as well as making them more accessible to lower-income families. What do you think?

Looks like someone has a little legacy building to do.


Corey Labahn

Obama Puts Spotlight On National Parks

And where is this level of commitment when it comes to funding proxy wars?


Treacy Weber

Obama Puts Spotlight On National Parks

The last thing we need is a president lost in Carlsbad Caverns.


Ricky Mundt

Apple Opposes Bill Protecting Users' 'Right To Repair'

Tech giant Apple is lobbying to kill a bill called the Fair Repair Act that would require smartphone manufacturers to publicly post repair instructions and make replacement parts available for users to purchase, an environmentally friendly change that would reduce the number of disposed phones. What do you think?

I'm flattered that Apple thinks I might have what it takes to repair my own phone.


Selina Dabney

I'm sick of a paternalistic government trying to save us time and money by advocating for our autonomy.


James Jaeger

Just trust Apple on this one. In a few years, those garbage heaps will be thinner and sleeker than ever.


Dana Fundakowski

NYC To Require Access To Free Tampons

A proposal approved by New York lawmakers this week will require schools, homeless shelters, and jails to provide free tampons and sanitary pads to women in order to alleviate the financial strain of menstruation. What do you think?

Well, it's easier than closing the wage gap.


Joe Raddatz

NYC To Require Access To Free Tampons

This kind of coddling is just going to encourage women to menstruate more.


Geoff Stoney

NYC To Require Access To Free Tampons

That's fine, but now lawmakers have to give men something, too.


Max Koon

Jaguar Killed In Olympic Torch Relay

A female jaguar that was part of an Olympic torch relay ceremony in Rio de Janeiro was shot dead after pulling free from her handlers and attacking a soldier, behavior likely induced by the stress of the chaotic environment. What do you think?

You definitely want to get the bulk of these preventable deaths out of the way before the Games begin.


Delaney Hitchens

Jaguar Killed In Olympic Torch Relay

At least she died doing what she loved: trying to escape.


Hunter Blumhagen

Jaguar Killed In Olympic Torch Relay

It's unfortunate. But up until that point, the jaguar was doing a great job serving as a symbol of strength or speed or whatever the hell it was doing there.


Joel McDonnell

Retailers Routinely Overcharging For Bridal Wear

It was recently found that retailers charge 3.9 times as much for white dresses designated as bridal gowns, a markup that designers defend as a matter of fabric and quality but that others decry as dishonest marketing. What do you think?

Are you saying she's not worth it? Because she's worth it.


Simone Miglieri

But you can't risk buying something cheaper. A wedding dress has to last an entire day.


Darby Hahn

You should see some of the shenanigans the funeral wear industry tries to pull.


Bernice Swarbeck

Facebook Pays $50 Million For Live Celebrity Videos

The Wall Street Journal reports that Facebook paid $50 million in contracts to 140 celebrities and publishers such as CNN, Deepak Chopra, and Gordon Ramsay to post videos to Facebook Live, a feature that keeps users engaged with the site longer. What do you think?

Sometimes a $50 million investment is just what it takes to get your fledgling business off the ground.


Monty Hendricks

Nobody moves the needle like a solo Gordon Ramsay.


Len Russo

And thank goodness they did. I kept finding myself with a few extra hours to fill each day.


Celia Lindgren

Britain Votes To Leave EU

In a narrow split, Britain has voted to leave the European Union, with Prime Minister David Cameron announcing his resignation and the value of the British pound plummeting to levels not seen since 1985. What do you think?

How can British people be so shortsighted about their Mediterranean vacation plans?


Timothy Helmstad

Britain Votes To Leave EU

At least the 10,000 pounds I lost betting on Remain aren't worth much anymore.


Brent McNeilly

Britain Votes To Leave EU

Britain shall finally be free from the oppressive yoke of Sweden and the Netherlands.


Saul Peters

70% Of Earth Can't See Milky Way

Scientists estimate that 70 percent of the earth is incapable of viewing the Milky Way in the night sky due to light pollution that casts a haze over the stars. What do you think?

But without that protective haze, the fearsome sight of the Draco constellation would be too horrific to behold.


Bert Landry

70% Of Earth Can't See Milky Way

It's easy to see the Milky Way! Simply set your aperture to 2.8 and shutter speed to 16.


Franny Banks

70% Of Earth Can't See Milky Way

The moon is enough entertainment for me.


Delilah Rutherford

Robot Programmed To Feel Pain

German researchers have designed a robot that can feel pain such as intense heat or pressure and then retract from the danger, a capability intended to protect the robot from harm just like the pain response in humans. What do you think?

Good. I always thought BattleBots could use higher emotional stakes.


Quentin Shelby

Robot Programmed To Feel Pain

Wait, so does this make them harder or easier to kill?


Joe Horner

Robot Programmed To Feel Pain

If robots can't work beyond their physical limits then they're just as useless as my human employees.


Dolores Rooney

Five-Second Rule' Disproven

Though urban myth dictates that spilled food is safe to eat if retrieved within five seconds, scientists have recently disproven this five-second rule, explaining that contamination isn't determined by the length of time food spends on the ground, but rather the amount of bacteria present on the floor. What do you think?

Of course it didn't work. They forgot to yell out 'five-second rule!' as it hit the ground.


Vince Dudger

Five-Second Rule' Disproven

Am I supposed to throw away this perfectly good soup just because it spilled all over the floor?


Rick Sacks

Five-Second Rule' Disproven

Well sure, maybe a rich scientist can afford to drop $2.99 on a second trip to Speedway.


Dale Riggs

Cats Understand Laws Of Physics

In a recent experiment, cats were shown to register surprise when a box that rattled when shaken was overturned to reveal nothing inside, leading scientists to conclude that cats use logic and rudimentary knowledge of physics to assess the world around them. What do you think?

If we don't invest in science education, they could overtake us.


Sandra Billings

Cats Understand Laws Of Physics

Really? I always figured more blind luck was involved in catching prey.


Chandler Moblin

Cats Understand Laws Of Physics

And yet they can't tell what happened to the laser pointer.


Lars Hevrow

Synthetic Tree Removes CO2 From Air

Researchers at Arizona State University have developed a synthetic tree out of commercially available resin that can suck carbon dioxide out of the air to be stored underground, an innovative new way to combat climate change. What do you think?

Finally, a climate change solution that's acceptable to the fossil fuel industry.


Libby Barnwell

Synthetic Tree Removes CO2 From Air

I support any scientific innovation that allows the experts we systematically ignore to clean up our mistakes.


Verne Tarby

Synthetic Tree Removes CO2 From Air


Jay Wetherbee

Exercise Could Boost Memory Power

A new study found that doing high-intensity exercise within four hours of learning new information could boost the brain's ability to retain that information. What do you think?

I prefer the studies about foods that are no longer bad for you.


Vince Curto

Exercise Could Boost Memory Power

With all due respect, if my hideous physique wasn't enough motivation, did you think this would be?


Becky Pratt

Exercise Could Boost Memory Power

What if this study is wrong? All that learning and exercising would just be way too big of a risk to take.


Pamela Ross

New Device Locks Up Smartphones At Concerts

Artists such as Alicia Keys and Louis C.K. have been requiring audiences to use Yondr, a self-locking smartphone pouch that keeps users from checking their phones or using them to record the performance. What do you think?

First they raise a fuss when we take all of their music for free, and now this?


Bob DeLucca

But I'm not recording the show! I'm just trying to disrespect the performer.


Trevor Marsh

No can do. My followers would get way too worried about me if I went that long without posting something.


Julian Wellsley

Teens Continuing To Elude Retailers

A recent poll found that Generation Z, even more than the millennials before them, eschew most recreational purchases, focusing most of their disposable income on experiences rather than on material goods. What do you think?

How will Gen Z know how to navigate a Sears clearance rack without practice?


Doug McCarthy

Teens Continuing To Elude Retailers

Fine, more incredible storewide savings for me.


Kendra Hammer

Teens Continuing To Elude Retailers

I don't see why their wanderlust should jeopardize the purchase of a nice patio set.


Judd Wheelan

Europe Seeks Personhood For Robots

The European Union is weighing whether to classify its artificially intelligent robotic workers as electronic persons, a designation that would grant them certain rights and obligations under the law, such as taxation and legal liability. What do you think?

I'm in favor of any plan that increases the number of parties I can sue.


Angelica Samson

Europe Seeks Personhood For Robots

It's a smart move to show those robots that being human isn't all it's cracked up to be.


Kris Gertz

Europe Seeks Personhood For Robots

We should have known that the robots' first strike at us would come in the form of a labor regulations dispute.


Art Daglen

Twitter Debuts Celebrity-Only App

Twitter has launched a standalone app called Engage that streamlines celebrities' feeds to remove broader conversations and allow tweets to be sent out in a limited context, eliminating confusion around how to tweet to followers. What do you think?

It's important that influential celebrities be protected from the world outside themselves.


Wade Newberry

Twitter Debuts Celebrity-Only App

Perhaps this will finally coax Shelly Long into joining Twitter.


Gabriella Gladstone

Twitter Debuts Celebrity-Only App

If just one more famous person is reached by this app, then it will all have been worth it.


Christian Torbel

Macy's Ordered To Stop Detaining Suspected Shoplifters

A judge has ordered Macy's to halt the practice of detaining suspected shoplifters within holding cells at their stores and releasing them into police custody upon payment of a fine, a controversial theft protocol known as civil recovery. What do you think?

They'll still follow me around the store, right? I love the attention.


Milton Connolly

No retail outlet should be judge, jury, your destination for quality housewares, and executioner.


Gina Walls

At some point we're going to have to ask ourselves why there are more people in American department store jails than in any other country.


Chelsea Rink

Twitter Decries Site That Displays Deleted Tweets

PostGhost, an online archive of tweets that public figures wrote and subsequently deleted, has been sent a cease and desist order by Twitter, who argued that their users' right to deletion must be protected. What do you think?

Have they no shame, conveying what celebrities and politicians said?


Dirk Huskey

But shackling someone to their public mistakes for a lifetime is the whole point of the internet.


Jameson Dooley

Look out, Command+Shift+4. You could be next.


Reed Joyce

Pokémon Go' Leads To Nintendo Stock Surge

Reversing months of lagging sales, the release of Nintendo's smartphone game Pokémon Go has resulted in a 25 percent jump in the company's stock, with a daily active user base set to surpass both Twitter and Tinder. What do you think?

I'm in favor of anything that gets people outside, distracted, and vulnerable.


Heather Koenig

Shut up! There's a Jigglypuff on your shoulder!


Burt Colandrea

That's nice, but frankly I preferred running around on my own pretending I was catching Pokémon.


Jed Lovett

Texas Requires Burial Of Fetal Tissue

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has imposed a new requirement that abortion providers turn over fetal remains to a funeral home for burial or cremation, a measure already in effect in Arkansas, Georgia, and Ohio. What do you think?

Good. Allowing women any more autonomy would just place an undue burden on men who don't like what they do with it.


Graham Whipple

Texas Requires Burial Of Fetal Tissue

Well, you can't expect Texas lawmakers to sit idly by when three other states are beating them to the punch on regressive policy.


Selena Boor

Texas Requires Burial Of Fetal Tissue

This ought to prevent any pro-choicers from using the tissues in their dark rituals.


Timothy Grissom

Lance Bass To Host Nation's First Gay Dating Show

Logo TV will soon debut the first U.S. reality dating show featuring all gay men, a series titled Finding Prince Charming and hosted by former 'N Sync member Lance Bass. What do you think?

I don't care if these men choose to star in a nationally broadcast reality TV show, but do they have to be all in our faces with it?


Stefan Whitsky

The real step forward will be when the first gay contestant wins.


Becki Harris

I'm beginning to think I've been totally misreading 'Jeopardy' all these years.


Leann Howard

Monkeys' Tools In Brazil Date Back 700 Years

Carbon dating confirmed that stone tools used by capuchin monkeys in Brazil date back to the 1300s, suggesting South American monkeys wielded tools much earlier than previously thought, and perhaps even inadvertently imparted their technique of shelling cashews to 15th-century explorers. What do you think?

The eternal question of who taught humans one particular method of shelling tree nuts is finally laid to rest.


Dale Antos

Sorry, what did you say? I'm trying to open this bottle and get at the delicious Pepsi inside it.


Tucker Mundt

And to think, just a few centuries later monkeys would be traveling to space.


Ross Tobin

FBI Ends Search For D.B. Cooper

The FBI has announced that, after 45 years, they are ending their active investigation surrounding the infamous D.B. Cooper, who hijacked a Boeing 727 in 1971 and parachuted into the mountains with a $200,000 ransom, never to be found. What do you think?

Do they seriously think he's going to fall for that?


Brett Dodd

FBI Ends Search For D.B. Cooper

I expect to see some progress in my own investigation of this matter now that the FBI is out of my way.


Marlena Ducey

FBI Ends Search For D.B. Cooper

Somewhere out there is a very relieved pile of bones.


Dianne Largo

Alzheimer's Symptoms Could Present In Early Childhood

A new study has confirmed that the APOE gene, long understood to indicate higher risk of Alzheimer's disease, can display memory-related symptoms as early as preschool, with children who carry the gene performing worse on assessments of memory and thinking skills. What do you think?

What kind of horrible parents would allow their children to get Alzheimer's?


Ted Garvey

Yeah, my kid has to hear 'Goodnight Moon' every single night like I wasn't perfectly clear the last time.


Herb Nolan

God, I hope my struggles in grade school were just a result of my abject stupidity.


Geoff Honan

Kasich Refuses To Suspend Open Carry During RNC

Cleveland police have asked Gov. John Kasich to temporarily restrict Ohio's open carry laws in advance of the RNC to help quell violence, though Kasich has refused this request, saying his role doesn't grant him power to override the law. What do you think?

It's good to see a leader who isn't exploiting his power to make citizens safe or comfortable.


Rae Weininger

They didn't offer him campaign money? Don't they know how this stuff works?


Justin Erikson

That's why Kasich tanked in the primaries. He has no contempt for the rules.


Darien Huff

Melania Trump Accused Of Plagiarizing Michelle Obama

In her speech last night at the Republican National Convention, Melania Trump spoke on the themes of hard work and striving to achieve one's dreams, passages that critics say were lifted nearly verbatim from Michelle Obama's 2008 speech at the DNC. What do you think?

That's a shame. If only she'd asked for permission first, I'm sure Michelle would have said yes.


Thad Jenkins

I'd have a pretty hard time filling 20 minutes with praise for Donald Trump too.


Leila Gaffney

Sure, what Melania did was embarrassing for Trump's campaign, but wearing an insufficient amount of makeup would have been way worse.


Sarah Woodsley

Starbucks, McDonald's Block Porn From Wi-Fi

Multiple anti-porn activist groups have successfully petitioned both McDonald's and Starbucks to set up filters on their Wi-Fi networks to block customers from accessing pornographic websites. What do you think?

I'm proud of Dunkin' Donuts for refusing to bow to outside pressure.


Titus Long

That is no way for a business to treat their most loyal creepazoids.


Brock Wiggen

Well, that's the last 25 cents I ever give them for a cup of ice.


Dick Rowinski

Nurses Found Cheating Way Through School

The Times of London reports that over the past three years, 1,706 nursing students at British universities have been found guilty of cheating and that nursing students are disproportionately more likely to cheat than those in other programs, a pattern that could prove fatal for patients in their care. What do you think?

People will do anything to break into the luxurious world of primary care nursing.


Tucker Neph

And yet they have the nerve to act all high and mighty when they tell us the stethoscope isn't a toy?


Daniela Karas

It's usually the dangerously unethical who end up moving the medical field forward anyway.


Doreen Lamputher

Game Of Thrones' Season 7 Delayed

HBO has confirmed that due to a prolonged production hiatus, their critically acclaimed series Game of Thrones will not return until summer 2017, rendering it ineligible for next year's Emmy nominations. What do you think?

Well, if you'd read the books you would have already known this was coming.


Ed Boylan

Game Of Thrones' Season 7 Delayed

That's a lot of make-believe to retain for a whole year.


Dimitri Willis

Game Of Thrones' Season 7 Delayed

My buddy Greg's going to be so depressed about this! And about some other stuff going on in his life, but that's personal.


Kirsten Roiland

New Beatles Album Announced

In conjunction with Ron Howard's upcoming Beatles documentary, a new album will debut this fall featuring previously unreleased recordings of the Fab Four's Hollywood Bowl performances in 1964 and 1965. What do you think?

Hopefully Ron Howard gets his chance to sing lead on a couple of the digitally remastered tracks.


Cole McBride

New Beatles Album Announced

Fantastic! I've been looking for a recording of 'All My Loving' drowned out by the collective shrieks of 17,000 teenage girls.


Adam Ville

New Beatles Album Announced

Too late. I'm into Herman's Hermits now.


Joel Umpher

Austria Weighs Seizure Of Hitler's Birthplace

The government of Austria is prepared to seize the birthplace of Adolf Hitler from its current owner amid fears that it could become a pilgrimage site for neo-Nazis, though some call for its demolition while others support converting the site to a museum or supermarket to depoliticize it. What do you think?

I wish I had the travel budget of a neo-Nazi.


Louise Mattson

Don't they realize Hitler's real birthplace was in the hearts of the complacent?


Myron Ketchum

It sounds like they're really underestimating what white power skinheads are willing to be photographed next to.


Felicity Turner

Marilyn Monroe's Hair To Be Sold At Auction

Julien's Auctions has announced they will soon auction two separate locks of Marilyn Monroe's hair, estimating that each will fetch between $6,000 and $8,000. What do you think?

Good to see her privacy being respected in death as it was in life.


Tyler Bickell

That's ridiculous. You'll only get two, three meals out of that, tops!


Patrick Yates

Let me know if anyone auctions off hair from the lady down the street from me.


Don Caston

Fox News Chief Resigns Amid Harassment Claims

Seventy-six-year-old Fox News veteran Roger Ailes has resigned after former co-anchor Gretchen Carlson filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against him and several other female anchors confirmed Ailes' pattern of predatory behavior. What do you think?

Hey, you don't build a number one network without devaluing a few people's existence.


Lena Miller

This is suspicious. Why did all these women wait so long to risk destroying their careers?


Mitchell Fleur

I was just diagnosed with prostate cancer, but this is still a great day.


Dorothy Stroger

Verizon Buys Yahoo For $4.8 Billion

Telecommunications giant Verizon has announced they are purchasing Yahoo for $4.8 billion, the newest addition to Verizon's portfolio after their 2015 acquisition of AOL. What do you think?

But the reason I have a Yahoo account is to remain impervious to change.


Vic Toomey

Verizon Buys Yahoo For $4.8 Billion

Wow, think about how much a profitable business must be worth!


Ken Bradford

Verizon Buys Yahoo For $4.8 Billion

I'm a little uncomfortable with one company owning my two oldest inactive email accounts.


Fred Klinger

Georgia Rules Upskirt Photos Legal

The Georgia Court of Appeals has decided via a 6-3 vote that upskirting, the act of photographing beneath an unknowing person's skirt, is technically legal within the state laws due to the fact that the laws as written do not specifically mention or condemn the practice. What do you think?

A southern gentleman will always protect the virtue of a lady, provided a statutory precedent has already been established.


Rita Darby

Georgia Rules Upskirt Photos Legal

From now on, women just need to be more aware of what state they're in before stepping outside.


Logan Mitty

Georgia Rules Upskirt Photos Legal


Dean Russo

New Zealand To Purge Nation Of Rodents

The government of New Zealand has launched a program to eradicate the nation of predators by 2050 in order to preserve endangered birds and other native wildlife, spending an additional $20 million in pest control per year to target all stoats, rats, and possums. What do you think?

No problem. I can take some stoats off their hands.


Jermaine McClintock

New Zealand To Purge Nation Of Rodents

Wiping out an entire species is so easy until you actually want to do it.


Jodi Linquist

New Zealand To Purge Nation Of Rodents

The only weasel we should be worrying about is John Key. Labour Party for life!


Clive Paget

New York To Require Ventilation At Nail Salons

Following a 2015 New York Times exposé on the working conditions of New York's nail salons, the state will require all salons to install ventilation systems to minimize the toxic chemicals manicurists are exposed to, though existing businesses have five years to comply. What do you think?

I hardly think it's fair for the government to make small businesses shoulder the cost of keeping their employees alive.


Dave Ammer

Five years should be plenty of time for these businesses to find a loophole.


Joy Barry

My nails need to look good. I never said there wouldn't be a trail of bodies.


Lou Abrams

Legal Marijuana Sees More Child Poisonings

Since Colorado legalized recreational marijuana in 2012, researchers have found that the number of children hospitalized for accidental ingestion has risen significantly, especially in cases where cannabis is contained in edible products like candy. What do you think?


Delaney Weaver

Kids grow up too fast these days. I was nearly 16 when I claimed to have ingested drugs by accident.


Randall Sparks

This is so much cooler than when they poison themselves with those detergent pods.


Dave Rickell

EPA To Limit Airplane Emissions

The Environmental Protection Agency is seeking carbon-emission limits for commercial aircraft, whose jet fuel releases harmful greenhouse gases into the upper atmosphere yet remains unregulated. What do you think?

It's way outside the EPA's authority to protect the environment like this.


Drew Steinbeck

EPA To Limit Airplane Emissions

Will this affect how the planes' contrails release obedience chemicals onto the unsuspecting public below?


Patrice Davison

EPA To Limit Airplane Emissions

This will surely result in less legroom somehow.


Lana Mabrey

San Francisco Might Tax Tech Firms To Aid Homeless

With the tech industry's inflation of San Francisco real estate values and the subsequent displacement of the city's homeless population, city supervisors are proposing a payroll tax be imposed on downtown tech companies, which could garner $20 million for the city's 6,600 homeless. What do you think?

Can't someone just launch some kind of startup that aids the impoverished?


Hank Goodsit

It's patently unfair to target those who give the most back to the community they've driven everyone out of.


Bryce Wells

No way are the homeless going to get away with this.


Henry Biddle

IOC Bans Companies From Tweeting About Olympics

The United States Olympic Committee has warned media outlets and other companies not to post about the Olympics on social media, claiming that only direct sponsors of the Games may use trademarked terms, publish pictures of athletes competing, or use any Olympics-related hashtags. What do you think?

Sounds like my plan to ignore the whole thing is fully compliant with the law.


Lucas Dorsey

But without supportive tweets, how will Team USA know we want them to win?


Josie Koss

We'll just have to infer as much news as we can from Coca-Cola advertising.


Brock Singer

PETA Praises 'The Walking Dead' For CGI Animals

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has awarded AMC series The Walking Dead its annual Innovation in Television Award for the show's humane decision to use CGI for their upcoming tiger character rather than filming with a live animal. What do you think?

AMC is always producing PETA Award bait.


Viola Griffin

I don't see how putting a tiger in a motion capture suit is any more humane.


Homer Jeffs

This laudable decision will surely allow PETA to find something else to complain about.


Donny Durkin

Attempted Reagan Assassin Will Be Released

John Hinckley Jr., who attempted to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981, will soon be released from a government psychiatric hospital after 35 years. What do you think?

If 35 years of good behavior doesn't impress Jodie, I don't know what will.


Roxie Bayer

I hear a lot of these guys just end up back in prison for trying to shoot the president again.


Chip Gourley

He's gonna love how Taxi Driver looks on Blu-ray.


Antony Ruskin

Amazon Sees Record Profits

Amazon's revenues have leapt 31 percent in the online retail giant's third straight quarter of record-breaking sales, for a total profit of $857 million. What do you think?

Other companies could really learn something from Amazon's model if they weren't being crushed by it.


Doug Helms

Amazon Sees Record Profits

Yeah, but the company's never going to grow if they don't start catering to demographics beyond people who need to purchase things.


Cecile Byron

Amazon Sees Record Profits

This data might be skewed by the fact that I accidentally purchased the same David Baldacci e-book 1,800 times.


Chet Dudzik

Trampoline Injuries On The Rise

According to the journal Pediatrics, the increasing popularity of indoor trampoline parks has led to a dramatic rise in emergency room visits for trampoline-related injuries such as sprains, fractures, and dislocations. What do you think?

Hopefully people heed this dire warning about the dangers of living an active lifestyle.


Tammy Godwin

Trampoline Injuries On The Rise


Gregory Snell

Trampoline Injuries On The Rise

I just always caution my kids to keep in mind the formulae for velocity, trajectory, inertia, and gravitation as they bounce.


Manuel Grey

Instagram Aims To Reduce Harassment

In order to combat online harassment, Instagram has announced they will let users filter their comment streams and provide the option of entirely muting comments beneath individual posts. What do you think?

This is a good start, but many more steps need to be taken to ensure I don't see anything unappealing in my daily life.


Gordon Stocks

Instagram Aims To Reduce Harassment

Look, when NASA posts a shitty picture of the Large Magellanic Cloud, somebody's got to knock them down a peg.


Marlena Cockley

Instagram Aims To Reduce Harassment

I hope this doesn't jeopardize my chances of getting great deals on Ray-Bans!


Andy Neuberger

McDonald's To Remove Corn Syrup From Buns

Citing customers' desire for simpler, more natural ingredients, McDonald's has announced their burger buns will now contain sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, while their chicken will be rid of antibiotics and preservatives. What do you think?

I'm pretty sick of this 'there are wrong kinds of sugar' attitude.


Terri Livengood

It'll take a lot more than that to undo the damage wrought by the McCheese administration.


Eugene Pillar

I'd love it if they'd remove that guy who's in the bathroom whenever I'm in there.


Timmy Vance

France Stops Publishing Names, Images Of Terrorists

In the wake of recent terrorist acts by extremists, several French media outlets have announced they will no longer be publishing the names and faces of terrorists in order to avoid posthumous glorification. What do you think?

If there's one thing that will deter crime, it's lending terrorists an air of mystery.


Nic Gould

Hopefully this will afford these journalists more time to report on the state of this year's beaujolais.


Francine Gorley

That's fine. American media will pick up the slack.


Duff Bradley

Flossing Might Not Aid Oral Health

Though it has been a promoted practice since 1979, flossing has been removed from the Dietary Guidelines for Americans due to insufficient evidence that it helps prevent gum disease. What do you think?

Well, that's three minutes of my life I'll never get back.


Shawn Boyles

Flossing Might Not Aid Oral Health

Wow, have they really been telling us to floss for 37 years? It seems like only yesterday I was roundly ignoring that.


Jolene Smigel

Flossing Might Not Aid Oral Health

Still good for getting excess blood out of my gums, though.


Keith Kunkel

Latest Harry Potter Release Breaks Records

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, the companion book to the stage production that follows Harry Potter's life as a grown man and father to three children, has broken sales records to become the fastest-selling script book of all time. What do you think?

Man, that'll be a lot of competing productions.


Viktor Blaine

I don't see how it can possibly top Lego Harry Potter: Years 5–7.


Tess Dabbage

I can't wait to delve into this new chapter of the Harry Potter saga and see what Dumbledore, Dobby, Mad-Eye Moody, Snape, Lupin, Tonks, Fred, and Hedwig are up to!


Ann Riley

Pope Francis Considering Female Deacons

In a historical first for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has set up a commission of seven men and six women to study whether women should be allowed to assume the role of deacon, a rank just below priest. What do you think?

It's time we start living in the 21st century and let women be prominent subordinates.


Carter Long

Pope Francis Considering Female Deacons

It could take years of research to find out if women are capable of dunking babies in water.


Burt Larkin

Pope Francis Considering Female Deacons

Okay, fine. As long as they aren't assigned any of the miracle-performing duties.


Miles Fletcher

China Debuts 'Straddling Bus'

The Hebei province in China has completed a test run of a 25-foot-wide straddling bus whose wheels run along rails at each curb and whose interior hovers above the traffic, allowing cars to pass through underneath. What do you think?


Grant Ritter

China Debuts 'Straddling Bus'

Just when I thought I had a die-cast model of every type of bus!


Tori Bularzik

China Debuts 'Straddling Bus'

Elevated or not, there's no way I'm letting myself get passed by it.


George Pryor

Obama Declares Self Feminist

In a Glamour magazine essay titled This Is What a Feminist Looks Like, President Obama writes about the responsibility of men to be an active part of the feminist movement and discusses his own daughters, explaining that it's important that their dad is a feminist, because now that's what they expect of all men. What do you think?

Obama has certainly come a long way from wresting a leadership position from a woman in 2008.


Gracie Tuttle

Obama Declares Self Feminist

What? I pitched them on that same essay last year and they turned me down flat.


Buck Noonan

Obama Declares Self Feminist

Oh boy. This isn't going to play well with people who hate everything he says.


Darcy Warner

Five Sports Added To 2020 Olympics

In an effort to appeal to younger viewers, the IOC has voted to add skateboarding, karate, surfing, sports climbing, and baseball to the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, for a total of 18 additional events and 474 additional athletes. What do you think?

If they really wanted to get millennials interested, the IOC would have them vote on who wins each medal.


Trey McAllister

Five Sports Added To 2020 Olympics

I can't believe the Olympics caved to the youth agenda instead of growing irrelevant and dying.


Max Lunell

Five Sports Added To 2020 Olympics

Four years is a long wait, but I'll finally get to see some baseball on TV.


Colin Newbury

Delta Grounds Flights Worldwide

Citing a power outage at their headquarters in Atlanta, Delta Airlines temporarily grounded all of its flights worldwide. What do you think?

My heart goes out to all those travelers forced to check out Milwaukee for a day.


Ashley Tillner

Delta Grounds Flights Worldwide

How much should I scream at the gate attendant in order for this technical glitch to be resolved?


Grant Holland

Delta Grounds Flights Worldwide

I would kill for that much free time to hang out at Hudson News.


Darryl Walters

Engineers Test Robotic Tattoo Artist

French designers have engineered a 3D printer with a tattoo-gun arm that can interpret images through software and ink them onto a human recipient strapped into a chair. What do you think?

Finally, a tattoo artist who won't kick me out for being too drunk!


Leslie King

Engineers Test Robotic Tattoo Artist

I'm not comfortable getting a tattoo from any machine that doesn't have at least a couple tattoos of its own.


Jonah Dean

Engineers Test Robotic Tattoo Artist

Robots, needles, immobility—it's like the French know all my sweet spots.


Ty Connor

Bitcoin Hackers Steal $65 Million

The bitcoin market was shut down last week after it was discovered that hackers had targeted the digital currency platform and stolen 119,756 bitcoins, or $65 million, from users' accounts. What do you think?

I hope no one tells those hackers about real money.


Darren Wolfram

Bitcoin Hackers Steal $65 Million

There was a group of shady kids hanging around outside my building until 3:00 a.m. last night. You think they could be behind this thing?


Verena Cabot

Bitcoin Hackers Steal $65 Million

Good luck trying to fence those bitcoins with this kind of heat.


Nadine DiCosta

Clock Kid' Ahmed Mohamed Sues School

Ahmed Mohamed, the Muslim American teen arrested last year for bringing a homemade clock to school that authorities mistook for a bomb, is suing his Texas school district, claiming his Fourth Amendment rights were violated when police interrogated him without his parents present. What do you think?

I'm so sick of people hiding behind the Constitution every time their fundamental rights are violated.


Willy Dunn

Clock Kid' Ahmed Mohamed Sues School

I thought this matter was resolved with a free trip to the White House.


Corey Jenks

Clock Kid' Ahmed Mohamed Sues School

What a shame. Texans would rally around this case a lot sooner if it were his Second Amendment rights being threatened.


Marc Washington

Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career

Twenty-nine-year-old sports analyst and former football player Tim Tebow, who played his last NFL game in 2012, has announced he is preparing for an upcoming career in Major League Baseball, a sport he has not played regularly since 2005. What do you think?

What a great opportunity to gain a whole new set of injuries!


Derek Cousins

Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career

Football, broadcasting, and now baseball? Is there any limit to what this guy can do for a little while?


Phyllis Unger

Tim Tebow Weighing MLB Career

I'm sure there are teams that could use the publicity he brings to the table.


Timothy Duff

Book Lovers Might Live Longer

A study recently found that so-called bookworms are less likely to suffer early death than those who do not read books regularly. What do you think?

But how many cool scars do they end up with?


Jodie Renner

Book Lovers Might Live Longer

This is quite the dilemma, seeing as how I don't want to die or read.


Lou Kubisan

Book Lovers Might Live Longer

Man, people who better themselves get all the advantages.


Thad Lowey

Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower

A 19-year-old was arrested yesterday while using suction cups to climb the exterior of Trump Tower in order to meet with Donald Trump, with police intercepting him at the 21st floor and hospitalizing him for a psychological evaluation. What do you think?

It's not the NYPD's job to stand between a man and his dreams.


Steven Milliner

Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower

Wow, by the time I was 19 I'd only ever gotten arrested trying to scale a Rite Aid.


Chelsea Dowling

Man Arrested For Scaling Trump Tower

At least he'll have a great story to tell someone else's grandchildren.


Lianna Tipton

Capping Pollution Could Save Thousands Of Lives

The American Thoracic Society has released new research saying that even slightly lowering the EPA's ozone emissions standard could reduce the amount of fine particles in the air and save as many as 9,320 lives each year. What do you think?

In the meantime, could they just tell us which specific particles we should avoid inhaling?


Kirk Lott

Until the evidence in favor of pollution reduction is conclusive, we simply can't risk polluting any less.


Doug McDonnell

A real innovator would be working on a way to reduce our dependence on breathing, not just attacking corporate industry.


Darla Ward

Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old

Radiocarbon dating of a recently caught female Greenland shark has confirmed with 95 percent certainty that the shark is between 272 and 512 years old. What do you think?

Get ready for an interminable pissing contest between Greenland sharks and Great Basin bristlecone pines.


Jon Berrick

Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old

Wow. Think of all the great moments in history this shark was entirely unaware of.


Aaron McEnroe

Greenland Shark Could Be 500 Years Old

Sadly, the only way to know for sure is to kill her and count the rings inside her bones.


Duncan Hausman

WWE To Include Gay Characters

The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation has partnered with WWE to begin work on incorporating more LGBT characters into professional wrestling. What do you think?

Finally LGBT people will have the chance to be hit in the head with a steel chair.


Beverly Ruhl

WWE To Include Gay Characters

I hope the writers approach these new characters with the same nuance they lent to Muhammad Hassan.


Chet Davison

WWE To Include Gay Characters

In my day, overt subtext was more than enough.


Joel Teeter

Ryan Lochte Robbed At Gunpoint

Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte and three other U.S. athletes were robbed at gunpoint in Rio de Janeiro Sunday by men claiming to be police, though no one was hurt. What do you think?

Looks like street smarts and pool smarts are two very different things.


Mary Wexler

Ryan Lochte Robbed At Gunpoint

I don't begrudge Brazilians for trying to reclaim their tax dollars from the Games.


Fred Homann

Ryan Lochte Robbed At Gunpoint

I'll tell you who was robbed, and that's artistic gymnast Oleg Verniaiev of Ukraine.


Dorian Lumley

R2-D2 Actor Dies

Kenny Baker, the 3'8 British actor who played R2-D2 in the Star Wars films, has died of a lung condition at 81 years old. What do you think?

Looks like my R2-D2 novelty thermos just grew that much more valuable.


Wendell Klassen

R2-D2 Actor Dies

Fortunately, the man who walked on all fours to portray the AT-ATs is still alive and well.


Estelle Wethers

R2-D2 Actor Dies

Many performers have rocked back and forth inside a metal canister, but Baker elevated it to an art form.


Cassie Wolk

Obama Transfers Record Number Of Detainees

Fifteen prisoners have been transferred out of Guantanamo Bay this week, the single largest transfer since President Obama took office in 2008, bringing the total number of remaining detainees to 61. What do you think?

Must be really roomy for whoever's left!


Nathan Gorey

It seems irresponsible to let these guys go after turning them into terrorists like that.


Clive Jeffers

I'm sure they all made memories that will last a lifetime.


Jake Werther

Aetna Pulls Out Of Obamacare Markets

Though originally a vocal supporter of Obamacare, Aetna is now abruptly withdrawing their investment in the program, citing losses in the hundreds of millions after providing for Obamacare markets. What do you think?

Yeah, the terminally ill will bleed you dry.


Toby Dodds

Aetna Pulls Out Of Obamacare Markets

In Obama's rush to level the health care playing field, did he even consider the wealthy elite he wasn't helping?


Rosie Snell

Aetna Pulls Out Of Obamacare Markets

I guess it was pretty reckless to get those moles biopsied when there was only a chance they were malignant. I'm sorry, Aetna.


Gordon Bickham

More French Cities Banning Burkinis

After fights erupted in a Corsican village over use of the swimwear, many French cities have banned burkinis, or full-body swimsuits worn by Muslim women. What do you think?

Good. The burkini is just another oppressive way of reminding me other religions exist besides my own.


Frank Filipitch

More French Cities Banning Burkinis

It's like these women don't even get that the whole point of beachwear is to captivate men.


Bernice Hausley

More French Cities Banning Burkinis

If that's their idea of what Islamist extremism looks like, Corsica's doing pretty well.


Chuck McAndrew

Celiac Disease Linked To Region, Season

A new study suggests that babies born in wintertime, when days are shorter with less sunlight, have a lower risk of celiac disease than those born in warmer seasons with longer days. What do you think?

Well, that nearly makes up for getting gypped out of a second present at Christmastime.


Tricia Maldeen

Celiac Disease Linked To Region, Season

Looks like I'll be pushing my August 27 due date back a few months.


Darryl Hosley

Celiac Disease Linked To Region, Season

I'll say it again: I didn't ask to be born.


Staci Ward

New Series To Investigate JonBenet Ramsey Case

CBS has announced that their upcoming docuseries, The Case Of, will investigate the 1996 killing of JonBenet Ramsey in recognition of the 20th anniversary of her death. What do you think?

This is bound to be awkward for the guy who did it.


Marshall Tannen

They're welcome to use my comprehensive collection of newspaper clippings if they want.


Ron Whitsky

Sorry, but I've moved on to more recent unspeakable horrors.


Edgar Stoll

I Am Cait' Canceled

I Am Cait, the E! reality show documenting Caitlyn Jenner's life after her gender transition, has been canceled after two seasons due to dwindling popularity. What do you think?

It's just as well. My shelves are bursting with DVD boxed sets as it is.


Rick Jameson

I Am Cait' Canceled

If Cait really wanted a third season, she should have made her life more appealing and relatable to advertisers.


Lottie Wallenda

I Am Cait' Canceled

I always suspected the E! network of having a pro-ratings agenda.


Alexander Ervine

Half The World Will Watch 2016 Olympics

By the time the final events end Sunday, the 2016 Olympic Games will have been viewed by approximately half the world's population, or 3.5 billion people. What do you think?

When you give the people badminton, you better believe they'll watch.


Meredith Millard

Half The World Will Watch 2016 Olympics

Surely the athletes are feeling way less pressure now that they know 'the whole world is watching' is just a myth.


Cal Guilfoyle

Half The World Will Watch 2016 Olympics

Yet you fuckers couldn't manage to keep CSI: Cyber on the air.


Martin Casey

Illinois Removes Tampon Tax

Governor Bruce Rauner has signed an Illinois law removing sales tax from feminine hygiene products, a prominent example of the pink tax or trend of charging more for women's products than men's. What do you think?

Why should these items be exempt from taxation, but not men's products like computers and cars?


Benjamin Farber

Illinois Removes Tampon Tax

Yeah, but knowing women, they'll probably just blow the extra cash on even more necessary products.


Doreen Woodsen

Illinois Removes Tampon Tax

May I be reimbursed for the 5,400 tampons I've previously purchased?


Hallie Jones

Twitter Deletes Pro-Terrorist Accounts

Twitter announced they have suspended as many as 360,000 accounts since mid-2015 due to the users' extremist content and promotion of terrorism. What do you think?


Claude Vassen

Twitter Deletes Pro-Terrorist Accounts

That's a relief; I just know there's no way I'd resist being radicalized.


Donnie Haskell

Twitter Deletes Pro-Terrorist Accounts

It's none of Twitter's business what death threats I spew on the platform they own and operate!


Garth Castro

NASA Locates Lost Spacecraft

Though the agency lost contact with its sun-studying spacecraft STEREO-B in October 2014, NASA announced they have once again located the vessel via their Deep Space Network of radio antennae. What do you think?

So it was in space this whole time? I knew it.


Candy Levine

NASA Locates Lost Spacecraft

I can already picture the children's book being written about this for the NASA gift shop.


Stefan Libby

NASA Locates Lost Spacecraft

Thank God. I've been wondering what's going on with the sun's coronal mass ejections for months.


Sandra Wegman

Satellite Images Could Predict Poverty

Stanford researchers have developed a means to predict global areas of poverty, training a computer to scan satellite images for indicators of economic stability like paved roads and metal roofs. What do you think?

Hopefully technology will be able to cure almost as much poverty as it causes.


Jude Denner

Satellite Images Could Predict Poverty

Can they detect areas that are abundant in material goods but poor in spirit?


Ed Lipinski

Satellite Images Could Predict Poverty

This is a tremendous leap forward in the effort to make global suffering less visible.


Martha Owens

Forbes Names Jennifer Lawrence Highest Paid Actress

Forbes' list of the highest paid actresses is once again led by Jennifer Lawrence, who earned $46 million in 12 months due in part to the success of the final Hunger Games installment. What do you think?

How amazing that she can still pull this off at her age!


Greg Ollenbach

It feels nice to be disgusted by the exorbitant earnings of a woman for once.


Ricky Jaeger

Looks like it's gonna take a lot more adorable tripping and falling on the red carpet to keep her relatable.


Shawn Cooley

Justice Department To End Use Of Private Prisons

The Justice Department has announced they will end their use of prisons run by private contractors, a system in place since 1997, determining that no money is saved nor are inmates any safer as a result of the arrangement. What do you think?

I had to transfer from my private high school to a public one, so I get it.


Mira Langford

I'm not concerned. Capitalism offers plenty of other opportunities to exploit people.


Mitch Jeffers

Should these private prisons be looking to recoup their losses, I am in need of several hundred bunk beds.


Francesca Souza

Government Slams High Cost Of EpiPens

Lawmakers are condemning pharmaceutical company Mylan for the inaccessibility of their life-saving EpiPens, which have undergone 17 price increases in the last nine years, raising the cost by 548 percent since 2007. What do you think?

Instead of complaining, those with severe allergies should get to work manufacturing their own portable epinephrine autoinjectors.


Marcus Hildebrant

Government Slams High Cost Of EpiPens

Why should poor people be afforded the same presumption of survival that I work so hard for?


Jerry Worthen

Government Slams High Cost Of EpiPens

Nonetheless, it's a small price to pay for indulging in the forbidden delights of a Peanut M&M.


Tate Dugan

Ramen Now Most Popular Prison Currency

A study of inmate populations found that ramen noodles have surpassed tobacco as the most valuable commodity within U.S. prisons, providing a caloric alternative to bland, low-quality prison food. What do you think?


Dana Hammer

Ramen Now Most Popular Prison Currency

Meanwhile, here on the outside, we're still using good-for-nothing currency as currency.


Eli Whitacre

Ramen Now Most Popular Prison Currency

The more I hear about it, the less interest I have in ever going to prison.


Leonardo Judd

Tyra Banks To Teach MBA Class On Personal Branding

Stanford Business School will offer a two-week class in 2017 co-taught by media personality Tyra Banks focused on building and protecting a personal brand. What do you think?

If you haven't hammered out your personal brand by the time graduate school rolls around, you are way behind.


Amos Stern

She just needs to remember there is a department meeting every Thursday at 4.


Claudia Rippel

Looks like Stanford's tour guides just scored a new fun fact.


Hugh Levy

Robotic Dolls Linked To Higher Pregnancy Rate

A new study found that student health programs that entrust teen girls with lifelike robotic dolls that cry for changing, burping, and feeding, aimed at discouraging teen pregnancy, are actually linked to higher rates of pregnancy and abortion. What do you think?

Don't send a thousand-dollar robot to do a bag of flour's job.


Ken Wilkes

Why don't we just stick to the old-fashioned method of demonizing sexuality altogether?


Martina Salbett

Well, let's not blame the schools. They're doing all they can to prevent unwanted pregnancies besides teaching students about contraception and fostering open discussions about safe sex.


Justine Weiner

Caffeine Tolerance Might Be Genetic

Scientists have identified a gene that metabolizes caffeine at a particular rate within each person, which could explain why different people drink different amounts of caffeine to wake up. What do you think?

I've always known I come from a three-venti-caramel-macchiatos-a-day bloodline.


Devin Showalter

Caffeine Tolerance Might Be Genetic

It's incredibly useful to have another thing to blame on my parents.


Art Hess

Caffeine Tolerance Might Be Genetic

Then how come I drink a whole pot of coffee every day, but my 5-year-old can barely finish his morning cup?


Ana Phelps

Weiner Caught In New Sext Scandal

Former congressman Anthony Weiner, who resigned after accidentally tweeting revealing photos of himself in 2011 and who again faced public humiliation in 2014 when more racy messages surfaced, deleted his Twitter this week after sending a woman selfies in his boxers as his 4-year-old son lay beside him. What do you think?

We were fools to think we'd seen the last of Carlos Danger!


Gregory Milton

Weiner Caught In New Sext Scandal

We need a more sex-positive culture that welcomes and even celebrates showing women your genitals.


Duncan Jeffs

Weiner Caught In New Sext Scandal

This is the type of consistency that I, for one, value in a politician.


Selina Schiff

Astronauts' Complete Mars Simulation

After 366 days living in a 36-foot-wide dome inside a Hawaiian volcano to simulate the challenges of a journey to Mars, NASA's team of test astronauts have returned home, providing valuable data on the psychological effects of a real Mars mission. What do you think?


Billy Cohn

Astronauts' Complete Mars Simulation

It's great to see NASA is still on the job, ever expanding the frontiers of boredom.


Simon Purcett

Astronauts' Complete Mars Simulation

I know firsthand how difficult their transition period will be. My wife and I honeymooned in Kauai and we never wanted to leave.


Brooks Marin

Amazon Opening Brick-And-Mortar Bookstores

Chicago will soon be home to an Amazon bookstore, the company's fourth location as they expand their reach with physical storefronts, using Amazon customer data to determine which titles to stock. What do you think?

But will they sell replacement food processor blades?


Leo Thomas

Sooner or later, the free market will have to accept that I'm not interested in reading.


Chandler Moore

Study: Dogs Recognize Human Speech, Tone

A recent experiment performed MRI scans on dogs as their trainers praised them and found the reward centers in dogs' brains would light up only if the trainers spoke recognizable praise words and said them in a bright tone, meaning dogs process speech in a multifaceted way previously believed unique to humans. What do you think?

So they're deliberately misbehaving. I knew it.


Barb Coffey

Dogs recognize speech. Monkeys use tools. It's like there's nothing just for humans anymore.


Bryce Simmons

You mean I spent hundreds on an invisible fence and I could've just said 'hey, don't leave the yard'?


Henry Loris

Iran Rolls Out Own Internet Service

Iran's government has announced they will soon offer high-speed, low-cost internet access, though critics say it could afford the government more control over what information citizens can access. What do you think?

Thanks, but I'm really happy with my current internet provider the government uses to monitor me.


Doug Ames

Iran Rolls Out Own Internet Service

This will make funneling theocratic propaganda to the masses so much easier!


Celeste Palmer

Iran Rolls Out Own Internet Service

I'd gladly surrender my constitutional right to privacy if it meant screwing over AT&T.


Dirk Sutton

CDC Exhausts Zika Funding

The CDC has announced their funding to halt the spread of the mosquito-borne Zika virus will run out by late September, with $200 million of the allocated $222 million already committed, though Congressional talks to secure additional funding have stalled. What do you think?

This wouldn't be a problem if those greedy bastards in the Huntington's division would accept a few budget cuts.


Leann Winegar

CDC Exhausts Zika Funding

We never should have given mosquitoes a second chance after West Nile.


Jack Gavlin

CDC Exhausts Zika Funding

I understand where Congress is coming from. Better to wait and see if this becomes a full-blown catastrophe before making any rash funding decisions.


Timothy Saunders

Shooting Survivors Owe Cinemark $700,000

Survivors of the 2012 Aurora theater shooting have lost their case against Cinemark accusing the cinema chain of doing too little to keep customers safe, with four plaintiffs now forced to pay Cinemark's federal court costs totaling more than $700,000. What do you think?

Well, Cinemark needs that money to mitigate the PR nightmare they've just created for themselves.


Terrance Reeves

It's these fun little quirks that give our justice system character.


Justine Whemple

Smart. If movie theaters want to survive in today's media landscape, they need to keep a constant lookout for new revenue streams.


Grace Conover

10,000 Employees Accuse Chipotle Of Wage Theft

A class-action lawsuit has been undertaken by 10,000 former and current Chipotle employees claiming they were made to work extra hours off the clock for which they were not paid, though Chipotle has denied the allegations. What do you think?


Pete Laroche

I kept eating Chipotle on a daily basis after they poisoned a bunch of people, so this is unlikely to sway me.


Duncan Heaney

Whatever the plaintiffs are demanding, they need to be sure to ask for it in a clear, loud voice or it'll get all screwed up, trust me.


Moira Yount

New High-Tech Fabric Cools The Body

Scientists at Stanford have developed a nanoporous polyethylene fabric that scatters wavelengths of light, blocking the sun's rays to cool down the wearer by as much as three degrees, a development that could reduce global dependency on air conditioning. What do you think?

It'll be so nice to walk around outside feeling like it's 83 degrees when it's really 86.


Keith Cooley

New High-Tech Fabric Cools The Body

What about all the other things that cause slight discomfort?


Hans Spiering

New High-Tech Fabric Cools The Body

I never thought science could improve upon the genius of not wearing a shirt.


Jakob Retzer

Georgetown Gives Slight Advantage To Descendants Of Slaves

Georgetown University admissions will begin slightly favoring prospective students descended from some 280 slaves sold by Jesuit priests in the 1830s to pay off the university's debts and keep the school open. What do you think?

Well, 'attend the school where your ancestors were nonessential property' sounds like as good a sales pitch as any.


Felicity Weisman

Isn't that a lot of genealogical research just to feel slightly less haunted by the sins of America's past?


Randy Cutcheon

Philippine President Insults Obama

President Obama has canceled diplomatic talks with Philippine president Rodrigo Duterte after being called a son of a whore in response to Obama's plan to discuss the Philippines' extrajudicial killings of drug dealers, an insult that Duterte has also used against Pope Francis in the past. What do you think?

I guess state-sponsored murder is a touchy subject.


Joel Whitehead

Philippine President Insults Obama

The Philippines has been through a lot over the past century. They just need some time to cool down.


Betty Hammond

Philippine President Insults Obama

Still, to be in the company of the pope is nothing short of an honor.


Marissa Kos

Fox News Settles With Carlson Over Harassment Claims

Fox News has settled with Gretchen Carlson in her sexual harassment lawsuit against former news chief Roger Ailes, agreeing upon a $20 million settlement, though this is only half the $40 million severance package paid to Ailes. What do you think?

Where is a right-wing propaganda juggernaut going to find that kind of money?


Mitch Mosley

It makes sense that Ailes got paid more. Carlson is only one person, but Ailes was in charge of harassing dozens.


Calvin Szurek

Oh good! This settlement is definitely large enough for me to continue undermining the validity of her claims.


Geoff Marin

Salary Question In Job Interviews Could Become Illegal

Congress will soon hear a bill that seeks to prohibit interviewers from asking job applicants about their current salary, a line of questioning that, according to supporters of the bill, disadvantages non-white, non-male applicants during salary negotiations. What do you think?

But that's the one question I always know the answer to!


Felicia Davies

I worry this will only give prospective employers more time to delve into my qualifications.


Nic Shukis

I can still ask if they have a boyfriend, right?


Simon Leichtner

Gluten-Free Diets Soaring In Popularity

A recent survey showed that the number of people opting for gluten-free diets has tripled since 2009, despite no change in the number of people diagnosed with actual celiac disease or gluten intolerance. What do you think?

The celiac community must be absolutely thrilled with all this useless solidarity.


Kipp Borson

Gluten-Free Diets Soaring In Popularity

Whatever the trendy diet of the moment is, you can bet I'll pretend to suffer from the disease that necessitates it.


Serena Hatchen

Gluten-Free Diets Soaring In Popularity


Aidan McNamara

Liking Bitter Flavors Linked To Psychopathy

Researchers have found that those who crave bitter flavor profiles such as gin, coffee, and citrus fruits are more likely to exhibit malevolent personality traits and a tendency toward psychopathy, narcissism, and sadism. What do you think?


Ethan Clay

Would it kill researchers to find just one good thing to say about my choices?


Lorraine Woods

Makes sense. I'm just not myself in the morning until I've had a cup of coffee and orchestrated a professional rival's downfall.


Sue Neely

Giant Panda No Longer Endangered Species

Due to a 17 percent rise in population across the last decade, the giant panda has been downgraded from endangered to vulnerable by the International Union for the Conservation of Nature. What do you think?

My mother always said it pays to be the cute one.


Gary Tuttle

But now it's lost that doomed air that made it so alluring in the first place.


Roman Ellis

I like to think my refrigerator magnet and I had a small part to play in all this.


Danny Frye

Wells Fargo Fined For Opening 2 Million Fake Accounts

Wells Fargo was fined $100 million and has fired 5,300 employees after the bank was discovered to have opened millions of accounts using customers' identities and funds without consent, a practice intended to boost sales numbers. What do you think?

I don't think it's fair to fire thousands of employees just for showing a little moxie.


Jane Sulik

Outrageous. If they started multiple accounts under my name then I'm entitled to multiple free tote bags.


Boris Haskell

This reminds me I really need to hate more banks.


Jean Barron

Clinton Diagnosed With Pneumonia

After cameras filmed her stumbling at a 9/11 memorial on Sunday, aides have confirmed Hillary Clinton is being treated for pneumonia and has canceled a string of upcoming fundraisers and TV appearances, leading critics to question her overall health and fitness to lead. What do you think?

It's a sobering reminder that any one of us could've been filmed leaving the 9/11 tribute early.


Hank Lamantia

Clinton Diagnosed With Pneumonia

I'm interested to see how the alt-right reacts to being marginally correct about something.


Brock Bailey

Clinton Diagnosed With Pneumonia

Yet another reason both she and Trump need to disclose pictures of their alveoli.


Jeffrey Tipton

Airbnb Unveils New Anti-Discrimination Policy

In response to widespread complaints that hosts tend to favor white users' lodging requests, booking website Airbnb unveiled a new anti-discrimination policy that aims to keep hosts from selecting guests based on race. What do you think?

I guess I'll just have to be twice as racist while they're here, then.


Greg Nadelberg

When will people wake up and realize there is absolutely no connection between the color of a person's skin and the likelihood they'll piss in your plants?


Charity Jones

I can only hope my white privilege still means something over on Craigslist.


Rick Lane

Sugar Industry Shaped Public Opinion For Decades

A damning exposé has been published detailing the sugar industry's efforts in the 1960s to conceal sugar's role in coronary heart disease while diverting attention to the dangers of fat instead. What do you think?

Just cut to the part where you tell me I can't eat my favorite things anymore.


Jameson Tavers

I'm going to stop trusting corporations altogether if there are seven or eight more revelations of this nature.


Katrina Schlosser

They never had any influence over me. I decided sugar was delicious entirely on my own.


Sean McGill

DNA Testing Might Be Phased Out

Currently the default means of investigating evidence found at crime scenes, DNA profiling might soon be replaced with the more efficient and reliable method of testing proteins found in hair samples. What do you think?


Becky Keane

DNA Testing Might Be Phased Out

This could revolutionize the way juries misunderstand forensic science.


Trent Harliss

DNA Testing Might Be Phased Out

Please, just find out who did this to my dear Marguerite.


Harvey Goetz

Children Sue Obama Over Climate Change Inaction

A group of 21 plaintiffs as young as 9 are suing President Obama for his purported failure to address climate change, which they say has denied them their constitutional right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. What do you think?

What do a bunch of kids know? They've never been behind the wheel of a Hummer.


Olivia Scanlon

Getting the attention of college admission boards is becoming harder and harder these days.


Tim Letsky

Just wait until they learn about countersuits.


Cecile Longeran

U.S. To Boost Refugee Admittance In 2017

The Obama administration has announced plans to increase the number of refugees admitted into the U.S. from 85,000 to 110,000 starting in the fiscal year 2017. What do you think?

State-imposed compassion really is the best kind.


Lamar Clarke

Well, they're sure as hell not going to put them in my town. Or perhaps they are. I have no say in the matter.


Richard Haskett

Oh man, they have to check out New York City.


Aaron Busey

Parents Giving Children Wrong Medicine Dosages

A new study found that 4 out of 5 parents make measuring errors with dosing cups when giving liquid medicine to their child, sometimes administering half or double the appropriate dosage. What do you think?

It's an important lesson for children that life sometimes gives you half or double what you need.


Jack Witt

Pharmaceutical companies can't honestly expect Americans to use a cup properly.


Monique Dawson

Yeah, thanks, but I've already received this news via 12 different emails from friends and family.


Kenneth Mosley

Trump Admits Obama Born In U.S.

In an attempt to bolster Trump's campaign and pivot from the birtherism that once defined his political career, aides for the candidate say Trump no longer believes Obama was born outside the United States. What do you think?

This isn't the belligerent maniac I voted for in the primary.


Effie Mendel

Trump Admits Obama Born In U.S.

He demonstrated real prudence taking five whole years to study the birth certificate.


Gordon Dudzik

Trump Admits Obama Born In U.S.

Now Trump is in on it? This goes deeper than I thought.


Annette Rees

Hackers Leak More Political Data

The hackers behind the recent DNC breach have released 670 more megabytes of information about the Democratic party, a leak some suspect is Russia's attempt to influence the outcome of the election. What do you think?

Do these hackers honestly think I'm going to be swayed by available information about each candidate?


Lloyd Lovell

Hackers Leak More Political Data

This is great. I usually have to listen to talk radio eight hours a day to feel this paranoid.


Garrett Schumacher

Hackers Leak More Political Data


Evelyn Townsend

Nearly Extinct Bird Found To Use Tools

The New Caledonian crow, now extinct in the wild, has been observed in captivity foraging sticks with which to extract food from narrow crevices, sophisticated tool use on par with that of the great apes. What do you think?

What an incredibly interesting detail to remember them by after they're gone.


Cory Schiff

Nearly Extinct Bird Found To Use Tools

Incredible. The crows in our neighborhood just do boring stuff like cluster atop trees and wait.


Hal Skelton

Nearly Extinct Bird Found To Use Tools

Can they get the rest of the peanut butter out of this pencil sharpener?


Peggy Jessup

Internet Addiction Linked To Mental Health Issues

A recent assessment of college freshmen in Canada found a correlation between internet addiction and conditions such as anxiety, depression, and compulsive behavior. What do you think?

The real issue is that science always assumes addictions are bad.


Noel Heffernan

These are probably the same quacks that recommend going outside occasionally.


Jared Kholer

Listen, if I don't line up those pieces of candy, who will?


Harvey Kine

Study: 3% Of Population Owns Half Of Nation's Guns

A new survey found that Americans own 265 million guns, more than one gun for every adult, though half those firearms are owned by only three percent of the population, a group that averages 17 guns each and often as many as 140. What do you think?

If you have a problem with that, allow me to direct you to half of the Second Amendment.


Jake Henderson

Guns tend to jam, so having 15 or 16 backups on hand is just common sense.


Tatiana Rommel

I laud these citizens for buying up all the weapons to keep them out of the hands of paranoid maniacs.


George Troyer

Hate Crimes On The Rise

A new report confirms that hate crimes against Muslim and transgender people rose sharply in 2015, a 78 percent increase over 2014, or 260 reported cases. What do you think?

That's a steep rise, sure, but I wouldn't call it sharp.


Rosemary Collins

Hate Crimes On The Rise

Are people learning nothing from all the inspiring videos available on the internet?


Gavin Russell

Hate Crimes On The Rise

These 260 isolated incidents don't prove anything.


Collette Binder

Emmy Ratings Hit Record Low

This year's Primetime Emmy Awards saw their worst viewership ever, falling behind 2015 to its new low of 11.3 million viewers. What do you think?

Watching celebrities accept awards out of character really shatters the illusion for me.


Calvin Dolan

Emmy Ratings Hit Record Low

Well, sure. Most Americans were carefully studying up on the election and had no time for anything so frivolous.


Rex Jacobson

Emmy Ratings Hit Record Low

This is going to make the Tonys committee even more smug.


Seth Ingersoll

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Divorce

TMZ is reporting that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, her partner of 12 years and husband of two, citing irreconcilable differences. What do you think?

Once again, the public must look toward my rock-solid marriage for emotional stability and reassurance.


Shelly Menaker

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Divorce

Whoa, those kids must be so excited that Brad freaking Pitt is going to visit them on weekends!


Jeff McGillis

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt Divorce

That's too bad. They were my favorite Brangelina.


Jessie Valenta

George H.W. Bush To Vote For Clinton

Sources close to 92-year-old former president George H.W. Bush have confirmed he has expressed his commitment to vote for Hillary Clinton in November. What do you think?

This is a huge blow to the Clinton campaign.


Ron Einrich

George H.W. Bush To Vote For Clinton

Wow, who could have imagined back during the 1992 election against Bill Clinton that in 2016 George H.W. Bush would still be alive?


Carlos Webster

George H.W. Bush To Vote For Clinton

What does he know? All he's done is hold the office before.


Derrick Tanner

Chicago Adds 1,000 Officers To Police Force

To combat the city's record homicide rate, Chicago officials have announced their plan to expand the police force by nearly 1,000 officers. What do you think?

Thank God. These parking violations have gotten out of control.


Claire Friedman

This is great news for all the department's cynical old hands who've tragically lost their longtime partners.


Roland Arbus

Does this mean they can finally get someone over here to help me find my dog?


Noel Fitch

South Korea Unveils Plan To Assassinate Kim Jong-Un

In response to North Korea's increased missile testing and mounting aggression, South Korea has revealed a plan to eliminate Kim Jong-un via surgical missile strikes, should it become necessary. What do you think?

Unveiling your assassination plan is supposed to be the second-to-last step of an assassination plan!


Kenneth Bally

Good luck getting past Supreme Leader's bulletproof skin.


Josie Handler

It's sad that in 2016, we still can't overthrow an oppressive dictator without resorting to violence.


Johnny Lowe

Study Confirms Link Between Holidays And Weight Gain

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that in over 2,000 test subjects, celebrating holidays consistently resulted in weight gain, with Americans gaining between 0.2 and 0.4 percent of their body weight over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. What do you think?

Yes, the correlation between stress and weight gain is already well established.


Justine Wilde

When you consider what food marketers spend on holiday advertising, 0.4 percent is pretty pathetic.


Wilbur Klassen

Who does this team of medical researchers think they are, my doctor?


Dave Charboneau

Ted Cruz Endorses Trump

Senator Ted Cruz has officially endorsed Donald Trump despite a bitter primary that saw the two exchange many barbs, with Cruz explaining that Trump is the party's only hope to defeat Hillary Clinton. What do you think?

This delayed and ultimately lukewarm decision is sure to resonate with the electorate.


Gina Temple

Ted Cruz Endorses Trump

It's always nice when a couple of repulsive human beings can bury the hatchet.


Don Fisk

Ted Cruz Endorses Trump

It's the old political axiom at work: better the devil you know than an experienced, competent woman.


Craig Berman

Fitness Trackers Lead To Less Weight Loss

A new report found that using digital fitness trackers might actually deter weight loss, with tracker users losing 5.3 fewer pounds on average than a control group. What do you think?

Concrete measures of progress are always discouraging.


Noreen Hardy

This news must be enormously gratifying to smug told-you-so types everywhere.


Chet Frye

More Hispanic Women Treated For Breast Cancer Under ACA

New research shows the number of Hispanic women seeking treatment for breast cancer rose significantly after the Affordable Care Act was implemented, suggesting improved access to health care. What do you think?

That's the problem with handing out health insurance. Suddenly they all want to use it.


Frank Bilders

Since Hispanic women tend to vote Democratic, I'll go ahead and decry this as cronyism.


Vanessa McCrory

I'm sorry, but I've spent far too long condemning the ACA to be exposed to any optimistic data.


Tatiana Jeffries

Roller Coasters Could Help Kidney Stones

A Michigan State University urologist has discovered that riding roller coasters such as Big Thunder Mountain could help to dislodge kidney stones and allow them to pass with minimal medical intervention. What do you think?

My understanding of medicine is that most things can be shaken out of you.


Nathaniel Stork

Why does the media always pay so much attention every time a urologist opens their mouth?


Kris Stebbins

No way I'm paying $15 for that souvenir photo.


Devin Creighton

NY Residents Can Now Be Buried With Pets

New York governor Andrew Cuomo has signed into law a measure allowing residents to be buried with the cremains of their deceased pet, a practice that was previously banned. What do you think?

The reasons to move to Buffalo just keep piling up.


Joanna Lundy

At least the cremated remains of a family pet is one less weird thing I have to worry about inheriting.


Rich Faber

This is great news. I can't wait to die!


Jeff Hill

Measles Eliminated In North, South America

At a meeting in Washington this week, the World Health Organization announced that the measles vaccine has eradicated the disease in all of the Americas, from Canada to Chile, the first time that it has been eliminated from an entire region instead of one country at a time. What do you think?

Can't you fools see that saving lives is exactly what the government wants?


Martin Bing

With a couple hundred million fatalities across multiple centuries, it's fair to say measles has had a good run.


Tony DiMario

Playboy' To Feature Muslim Woman In Hijab

An upcoming issue of Playboy will feature Noor Tagouri, a 22-year-old Muslim journalist who will sport a leather jacket, black jeans, hijab, and Converse shoes in the photo as part of a Renegade series profiling revolutionary women. What do you think?

I'm glad to see Playboy is reaching out to their more progressive perverts.


Sarah Longe

I knew print publications were struggling, but I had no idea they had to stoop to diversity.


Marcus Kubisan

Yet another reason to wear my bunny tattoo with pride!


Dominic Thiel

California Ends Statute Of Limitations On Sex Crimes

In the wake of the many allegations against Bill Cosby, California has passed legislation that ends statute of limitations on rape and other sex crimes, previously set at 10 years. What do you think?

Yeah, rapists should only evade conviction by way of structural sexism and victim blaming.


Felicity Brenner

Maybe this will finally push that conviction rate up to 7 percent!


Gordon Yeats

As well-intentioned as this law might be, there's no way it will gain the support of sex offenders.


Gretta White

Ban On Voting Booth Selfies Ruled Unconstitutional

The First Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that New Hampshire's 2014 law banning voting booth selfies is unconstitutional because the First Amendment protects citizens' right to openly discuss their ballot. What do you think?

Finally, a way to express my political leanings online.


Charles Lillie

I prefer the old-fashioned approach of showing my patriotism by screaming obscenities at the opposing candidate's supporters.


Joey Wilkins

If only the Founding Fathers had been clearer about their intent.


Willa Jameson

Report: Trump Conducted Illegal Business In Cuba

Newsweek has revealed that Donald Trump conducted business in Communist Cuba throughout the late 1990s, illegally violating the trade embargo even while publicly declaring that U.S. businesses must avoid deals with Cuba in order to help bring down Castro. What do you think?

This is exactly the kind of scandal that could sink Trump's campaign or not matter in the slightest.


Eric Nichols

Clandestine dealings with Cuba? He's even more presidential than I thought!


Morty Lefkin

Let's hear Trump's side before jumping to conclusions. For all we know, Newsweek is a dying magazine run by a bunch of pathetic losers.


Blanche Davison

LeBron James Endorses Hillary Clinton

NBA All-Star LeBron James writes in the Akron Business Journal this week that he will vote for Hillary Clinton, calling her the only candidate who can provide opportunity to children from poor backgrounds. What do you think?


Lee Ryder

LeBron James Endorses Hillary Clinton

LeBron makes some good points, but I can't take political advice from someone with such a weak outside shot.


Dean Galen

LeBron James Endorses Hillary Clinton


Reggie Coleman

New Emergency Wireless Alerts Proposed

Following confusion over a vague text blasted to Brooklyn-area phones about Chelsea bombing suspect Ahmad Rahami, the FCC will soon debut changes to the Wireless Emergency Alert system, including photo capabilities and increased character limit. What do you think?

Fine, but it shouldn't be able to interrupt any of my puzzles.


Tom Boyles

New Emergency Wireless Alerts Proposed

But I prefer the brevity that allows my imagination to take hold and draw its own terrifying conclusions.


Beatrice Alonso

New Emergency Wireless Alerts Proposed

How about just periodically sending out alerts reminding people they can't trust anyone?


Barney Struck

Doctors' Political Views Could Impact Patient Care

A new Yale study suggests that when doctors are presented with politically charged health care issues like marijuana use or abortion, their recommendations could be influenced by their own political leanings. What do you think?

So that's why my stitches spell out 'I'm With Her'?


Marc Friend

I sincerely doubt politics are interfering in any way with America's health care system.


Patrice Longe

Luckily, I can't afford to see any doctor.


Sean Millard

Brexit To Begin Next March

British Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that the United Kingdom will begin its exit from the European Union in March 2017, with plans to be fully independent by 2019. What do you think?

Poor Britain, being dominated by a remote sovereign power like that!


Rita Olsen

Brexit To Begin Next March

Talking about it is one thing, but it's always more exciting to see horrible decision-making in action.


Trey Girardi

Brexit To Begin Next March

Any chance of speeding things up so we can see if xenophobic isolationism works by November 8?


Francine Coaxley

Bees Gain Endangered Status For First Time

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has given endangered status to seven species of Hawaiian yellow-faced bees whose population has dwindled due to nonnative plant and animal species and increased urbanization. What do you think?

Great, more tax dollars wasted on a linchpin of our fragile ecosystem.


Kevin Niemeyer

Now I'm really going to be startled the next time I see one.


Teddy Vonk

Just leave out a half-empty can of Coke and they'll all come back.


George Falco

U.S.–Russia Relations At 40-Year Low

Following the Russian hack of American emails and failed negotiations to pause the war in Syria, experts estimate that U.S.–Russia relations are as low as they were at the peak of the Cold War. What do you think?

Russia needs to learn they can't supply Syria with weapons and get away with it for more than five years.


Benny Newsome

U.S.–Russia Relations At 40-Year Low

It's nice to hate someone other than ourselves for a while.


Katerina Wilde

U.S.–Russia Relations At 40-Year Low

The Syrians will just have to sit tight while we ride this out.


Harriet Cavell

Brain-Training Games Don't Build Cognition

A review of so-called brain-training games found that rather than strengthening cognition as they claim, they only hone the specific tasks within each game, such as matching colors or strings of letters. What do you think?

Of course they don't work on their own. You need to incorporate plenty of online quizzes too.


Dino Klass

Still, it's better to be good at matching colors than bad at it.


Will Braverman

Who are you going to trust: some neuroscientists, or someone with a score of 1700 on Lumosity?


Julian Asche

Mall Of America To Close For Thanksgiving

Minnesota's Mall of America has decided this year to remain closed on Thanksgiving and not open until Black Friday, encouraging workers and shoppers alike to spend the holiday with family. What do you think?

I guess I'll have to find another place to pick up a last-minute turkey baster.


Bernard Hadden

But hitting the stores on Thanksgiving has become one of my horrible family's favorite traditions!


Celeste Cummings

Don't tell me I have to do my Christmas shopping literally any other day.


Shane Kipp

Michelle Obama Updates White House Garden

The White House Kitchen Garden, a 2,800-square-foot area for growing produce and a cornerstone of Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign, was updated this week with a plaque and permanent stone fixtures, making it a more firmly established part of the property. What do you think?

This garden will stand as a testament to the futility of getting American children to make healthy choices.


Sabrina Montoya

I'm just amazed that anyone made it seven years without giving up on gardening.


Jeff Boyle

Thinking a plaque will make a difference really underestimates how much people hate vegetables.


Dennis McCaskell

DOT Aims To End Traffic Deaths In 30 Years

The Department of Transportation is rolling out a Road to Zero campaign that aims to eliminate traffic deaths on American roads within 30 years. What do you think?

Well, with that bottleneck on I-75 around Columbus and those maniacs driving down from Michigan, I'd say they've got their work cut out for them.


Celine Wood

Can't we just work on accepting the number of deaths we have?


Jake Stillmacher

I don't know. There will always be reckless assholes like me out there.


Jeremiah Sutton

Obama Approval Rating At All-Time High

A new CNN/ORC poll puts President Obama's approval rating at 55 percent, a record high for his second term. What do you think?

My God, he's even gotten to the pollsters.


Betty Wheeler

Obama Approval Rating At All-Time High

Well, you'd be popular too if you'd just invited the Pittsburgh Penguins to the White House.


Jack Horkin

Obama Approval Rating At All-Time High

It must be nice to go to sleep at night knowing slightly more than half the country doesn't completely hate your guts.


Angie Doss

NBC Suspends Billy Bush

Following the release of a 2005 recording in which Donald Trump makes lewd comments about women to Access Hollywood correspondent Billy Bush, who laughs and responds, NBC has suspended Bush from his current role at the Today show. What do you think?

It's great to see the responsible party face some consequences here.


Kirk Lovett

NBC Suspends Billy Bush

Why is Trump being judged for saying the things that most people would be disgusted with themselves for thinking?


Syd McCuskey

NBC Suspends Billy Bush

Hopefully Billy can put this whole episode behind him and keep up the bad work.


Tara Rickert

Loss Of Parent Linked To Children's Smoking, Drinking

A study found that children who experience the loss of a parent early in life, either through divorce or death, were more likely to begin smoking and drinking before their teen years. What do you think?

For my kids' sake, I guess I should just muddle through my loveless marriage no matter how emotionally toxic things get.


Nigel Berghoff

I'm pretty sure my son doesn't smoke or drink, but I also haven't seen him in years.


George Perry

Sure, you lose a parent, but you gain something that sticks with you for life.


Len Kassebaum

Sugar Could Contribute To Disease

While sugar's calorie content has long been known as a contributor to obesity, a new study claims sugar has a large role in more serious illnesses such as cardiovascular disease. What do you think?

I appreciate this study's efforts to save me money on Halloween.


Jeanine Navarro

Sugar Could Contribute To Disease

This is the last thing I need to hear minutes after eating a display box of Sugar Daddys.


Erik Visser

Sugar Could Contribute To Disease

Oh, another set of findings encouraging me to switch to fruit, huh? Well, fuck fruit. Ever heard what the United Fruit Company did to Central America?


Mick Yount

First Ever Male CoverGirl Model Announced

James Charles, a 17-year-old famous on social media for his elaborate makeup designs, has been announced as the first ever male CoverGirl model. What do you think?

I'm all for breaking down barriers, but I cannot stand successful teens.


Stacey Beech

It's about time the beauty industry subjected males to unattainable beauty standards.


Brent Koppel

How come nobody ever invites me to blaze any trails?


Glen Noonan

Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize

The Nobel Committee has awarded singer-songwriter Bob Dylan the Nobel Prize in Literature for having created new poetic expressions within the great American song tradition. What do you think?


Amy Fodor

Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize

Anything that keeps the prize out of the hands of Ismail Kadare for another year!


Harvey Ludlow

Bob Dylan Wins Nobel Prize

That's cool. Although it's probably the least cool thing he's ever done.


Titus Wexler

Clown Sightings, Arrests On The Rise

Since August, individuals dressed as sinister clowns have prompted a rash of arrests in North America and Europe, with many sightings involving butcher knives or predatory behavior. What do you think?

Last I checked it was still legal for clowns to defend themselves with butcher knives in this country.


Norbert Larue

Clown Sightings, Arrests On The Rise

I didn't study commedia dell'arte for six years to have these amateurs fuck up the whole institution.


Faye Billings

Clown Sightings, Arrests On The Rise

It feels like everyone is spotting murder clowns but me.


Tessa Callo

500,000 Votes Already Cast In 2016 Election

New analysis confirms that as many as 500,000 people have already cast their vote in the 2016 election via absentee ballot and early voting, with turnout especially high in battleground states. What do you think?

I'd never forgo the chance to saunter my way into a church basement.


Murphy Dolan

How can anyone make up their mind with only 18 months of consideration?


Vincent Leitch

I'll join their ranks as soon as I can find a fucking stamp.


Yolanda Farrell

Personal Space Stations To Launch In 2020

Two private aerospace companies have announced 2020 plans to launch habitat modules, or private commercial space stations that could soon begin accommodating residents. What do you think?

I really thought our level of interest in outer space would've begun to wane after 47 years.


Trey Bolden

Wow. Living on a space station would be amazing for about 20 minutes.


Rich Hannah

Okay, but I still want to visit Montreal.


Leo Tuttle

Michael Jackson Highest-Paid Celebrity Of 2016

Forbes' annual list of the highest-paid deceased celebrities is topped by Michael Jackson, who despite having died in 2009 earned $750 million this year, more than any living celebrity, thanks to the sale of his Sony/ATV song catalog. What do you think?

It's Michael's business savvy that I miss most of all.


Angelique Baird

And this is before all the royalties that pour in each year from everyone blasting 'Thriller' at Halloween parties.


Lionel Fischer

It was pretty smart of us to set things up so you can still make money when you're dead.


Janie Beeson

Planned Parenthood Turns 100

This week marks the 100-year anniversary of activist Margaret Sanger's opening of her Brooklyn birth control clinic, which would eventually become Planned Parenthood. What do you think?

I bet she never could have imagined how slightly better things would be for women's health care a century later.


Thad Huebel

Planned Parenthood Turns 100

Let's celebrate! Someone should order pizza for all those people outside.


Homer Kestran

Planned Parenthood Turns 100

Amazing to think that years before they could vote, women could be cold-blooded murderers.


Marty Telfer

Smithsonian Seeks $300,000 To Repair Ruby Slippers

The Smithsonian National Museum of American History has launched a Kickstarter campaign seeking $300,000 to repair the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in 1939's The Wizard Of Oz, which have suffered extensive fading and deterioration. What do you think?

How long can I wear them for $50 donation?


Derek Pers

Now I'm kicking myself for allocating all my charity dollars to the Smithsonian Migratory Bird Center.


Carla Moriarty

I warned them about the 40-watt bulbs! I warned them!


Joe Pashkin

Cuban Rum, Cigars Now Legal In U.S.

Seeking to promote trade with Cuba, President Obama has signed an executive action allowing Americans to purchase an unlimited amount of Cuban rum and cigars. What do you think?

Now how am I supposed to show off my shady business connections?


Emily Welty

Cuban Rum, Cigars Now Legal In U.S.

If presidents are to be judged by their procurement of smooth island flavors, then Obama will surely rank among the greats.


Tripp Mullins

Cuban Rum, Cigars Now Legal In U.S.

Breakfast just got a whole lot more interesting.


Krista Schnell

High School Graduation Rate At Record High

For the fifth consecutive year, the graduation rate at U.S. high schools has reached a record high, climbing to 83 percent and narrowing achievement gaps across all demographics. What do you think?

Regardless, I'm still absolutely furious about whatever Common Core is.


Tucker McMillan

Ugh, the graduation ceremonies are long enough as it is.


Paul Lund

Awesome! I've been dying for more people to discuss Lord Of The Flies with!


Donna Brixel

Police Chief Apologizes To Minorities For Mistreatment

The president of the International Association of Chiefs of Police apologized at a press conference this week to all communities of color who have historically been the disproportionate target of mistreatment by police. What do you think?

I'm glad that ugly business is finally behind us.


Stefan Donaldson

This is a good first step. The second one should be a direct apology to me for that ridiculous $60 ticket I got for barely rolling a stop sign.


Chet Gandall

Oh, so now we're just supposed to apologize for every deeply ingrained bias we possess and regularly act upon?


Tammy Matteson

Trump Won't Concede Election If He Loses

When asked by debate moderator Chris Wallace whether he would accept the election results if he is the losing candidate, Donald Trump said he would keep the American people in suspense. What do you think?

Give him a break. Every candidate is allowed one gaffe during a presidential campaign.


Dirk Willard

Why should he accept the result if it's just going to mean he loses?


Kyle Duffy

This is exactly the sort of recklessness that leaves my opinion of the GOP roughly unchanged.


Fred Goehring

Porn Industry Protests Condom Requirement

Members of the adult entertainment industry are protesting Proposition 60, a measure requiring actors to wear condoms on film, which performers say denies them the right to protect their bodies as they choose. What do you think?

It's regulations like these that are driving our adult entertainment industry overseas.