Johnny Shields

Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General

Dr. James W. Holsinger, Jr., Bush's nominee for Surgeon General authored a 1991 medical paper arguing that homosexuality is unnatural and unhealthy. What do you think?

I guess there's no one more qualified to talk about the possible dangers of homosexuality than a blown-out asshole.


Bryan Seifkes

Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General

Yes, but Holsinger wrote that right after Antonio broke up with him. Clearly the guy was hurting a little bit.


Meg Niles

Bush Nominates Anti-Gay Surgeon General

That's a good start, but I'll reserve judgment until I make sure he doesn't have some bizarre pro-masturbation agenda.


Cara Tydrich

Google Blasted Over Privacy

Google, the popular search engine, is under fire for having the worst privacy practices on the web. What do you think?

And no one's arrested me yet? How sick are the people watching me?


Sam Brenneman

Google Blasted Over Privacy

This news has definitely made me think twice about providing my credit card number along with each search query.


Hector Stein

Google Blasted Over Privacy

Well, since Google already knows, I might as well just say it: I frequently search for good deals on antique furniture.


Larry Thune

Harry Potter And The Bookstore Losses

Because of intense competition, most retailers will likely be selling the new Harry Potter book at cost or less in the first week of its release. What do you think?

That's not fair to the customers. They might also stick around and flip through key parts of The Secret.


Pam Knackert

Harry Potter And The Bookstore Losses

Even more damaging to bookstores is the fact that you can purchase Harry Potter books at most vending machines.


Max Prugh

Harry Potter And The Bookstore Losses

But once the customers are through the door, they can't help but to spend money hand over fist on the impulse-displayed kitten bookmarks, a copy of Redbook and overpriced Chekhov.


Daniel Rosen

New Mexico Bans Cockfighting

New Mexico banned cockfighting last week, making Louisiana the only state where it remains legal. What do you think?

Isn't it better that those crazy roosters fight each other rather than us?


Anne Malloy

New Mexico Bans Cockfighting

But if a fight should break out naturally, who's to judge the human urge to make it interesting?


Frank Benedict

New Mexico Bans Cockfighting

Damn. That was the only sport left where I could stand around a pit screaming and clutching a sweaty wad of money in my hand.


Penny Insbrook

Couple In Fed Standoff

Claiming that there is no law requiring them to pay taxes, well-armed New Hampshire couple Ed and Elaine Brown have vowed to die rather than surrender to a prison term. What do you think?

Wow. I wish I felt that strongly. About anything.


Rod Warren

Couple In Fed Standoff

Taxed labor is just a form of slavery where you work whenever you want at whatever you want to do.


Matt McKee

Couple In Fed Standoff

This standoff would all be worth it if, when Ed Brown was asked for his 1099, he replied 'Here's my 1099,' and then drew a gun.


Barry Dudley

U.S. Lifts Embargo Against Palestine

The United States lifted sanctions against Palestine, and will resume sending aid to the country. What do you think?

This will certainly anger and/or please Hamas and/or Fatah and inspire violence and/or peace in the region.


Steven Jeczalik

U.S. Lifts Embargo Against Palestine

Next, the U.S. should resume sending aid to our public schools, because a lot of people have no idea where or what Palestine is.


Ann Langan

U.S. Lifts Embargo Against Palestine

Was I not supposed to be sending money to Palestine this whole time? Whoops. My mistake.


Opal Schranck

White House Used Third Party Email

According to a report by the oversight committee, at least 88 White House staffers used outside e-mail accounts for official business, thus circumvent archival requirements. What do you think?

Are you telling me we don't have Andrew Card's hilarious forwards on record? That's a shame. That guy sent the best forwards.


Joseph Fromme

White House Used Third Party Email

Don't you worry, Bush Administration, we'll get that secret cornbread recipe yet.


Tom Zangara

White House Used Third Party Email

Wait, I'm confused. What exactly is the difference between circumnavigating federal law and shitting all over it?


Marc LeSage

Dieting Doesn't Work

According to a comprehensive review of 31 long-term studies, scientists at the University of California say that dieting does not result in permanent weight loss. What do you think?

As the owner of a sweat pants warehouse, this couldn't be better news.


Becca Potter

Dieting Doesn't Work

That's okay with me since I only diet to lose weight for specific occasions like special events, vacations, or when I want my ex- boyfriends to regret dumping me.


Neil Gaines

Dieting Doesn't Work

When will Americans learn that dieting is not enough and must be combined with a healthy regimen of amphetamines to ensure weight loss.


Jim Barker

Fewer Boys Being Born

According to data gathered by the University of Pittsburgh, the number of male births has declined since 1970. What do you think?

I would be really worried about this if it wasn't swinging the ratio drastically in my favor.


Lydia Jourgensen

Fewer Boys Being Born

And yet the number of pigheaded, overbearing, aggressive cockwads continues to be the same. I hate men! I hate men! My boyfriend just dumped me.


Kevin Rieflin

Fewer Boys Being Born

Looks like we won't have to worry about the toilet seat being left up for too much longer. Because the human race will be extinct. I mean, am I right, ladies?


Ariel Langhorne

Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk

A report in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health states that white men who served in combat in the U.S. armed forces are twice as likely to die by their own hands as non-veterans. What do you think?

Clearly there has to be a better screening process to keep these lunatics out of the military.


Dale Tyler

Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk

If they're going to kill themselves anyway, they should at least sign up for another tour.


Jared Palmer

Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk

We need more morale-boosting USO shows immediately. Where's that Wynonna Judd and Chuck Norris?


Robin Petersen

Professional Porn Sales Down

Sales and rentals of adult DVDs are down 30 percent due to the rise in homemade Internet porn. What do you think?

These thrifty Internet porn enthusiasts are missing out on the lifelong friends you make at adult shops.


Simon Stephens

Professional Porn Sales Down

That's the problem with the porn biz. No matter how low your price is for having an entire billiard-ball set shoved up your ass, there's always some punk waiting in the wings willing to do it for free.


Elizabeth Whaley

Professional Porn Sales Down


Katharine Epperson

Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable

According to a report from the city's comptroller, New York City would stand to gain $142 million in the first three years of legalized gay marriage. What do you think?

Why? Does buying a gay melon baller at Tiffany's cost more than buying a straight melon baller at Tiffany's?


Andre Milstead

Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable

$142 million! Boy, they really know how to pull an old conservative Republican's heart-strings!


Harris Charles

Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable

The city needn't permit something so crass and immoral to raise money. May I suggest legalized gambling as an alternative?


Chris Thewles

Humans Hardwired For Faith

According to Dr. Andrew Newberg, specific parts of the brain are responsible for the religious feelings humans experience. What do you think?

That could explain why people with brain tumors believe there is no God.


Martha Jenkins

Humans Hardwired For Faith

Is this the same part of the brain responsible for anti-Semitic, anti-woman, anti-gay feelings?


David Mayne

Humans Hardwired For Faith

Finally, concrete proof that religion exists!


Fernando Ortiz

Gilmore Drops Out Of Race

James Gilmore III has ended his campaign to be the Republican candidate for president in 2008. What do you think?

Well, I guess the 'nobodies no one's ever heard of' vote is up for grabs again.


Patricia Noble

Gilmore Drops Out Of Race

Hope he realizes Pfizer's going to want its $50 back.


Ron Brown

Gilmore Drops Out Of Race

Looks like America has already spoken. We will take nothing less than a black man, a white woman, or a non-Gilmore white man as President.


Paula Daniels

Japanese Quake Led To Nuclear Leak

A 6.8-magnitude earthquake caused a Japanese nuclear reactor to crack, spilling more than 300 gallons of radioactive water into the ocean. What do you think?

Of all the Godzilla marketing campaigns, this is the second-worst.


Jonah Klute

Japanese Quake Led To Nuclear Leak

You'd think there would come a time where radioactive deformity wasn't introduced into every Japanese generation.


Mark Cable

Japanese Quake Led To Nuclear Leak

What a shame. In every other respect, that earthquake zone was the perfect place to build a nuclear reactor.


Gary Phillips

Wal-Mart Stocks Christian Toys

Starting next month, Wal-Mart will begin selling the One2believe line of Christian toys and action figures. What do you think?

Kids don't need fancy Christian toys. Nothing beats the wholesomeness of a paper airplane made from a page of the Bible.


Ashley Patrovic

Wal-Mart Stocks Christian Toys

Great, now my kid won't stop bugging me until I get him all 4 million pieces of the Noah's Ark action play set.


Lisa Jacobsen

Wal-Mart Stocks Christian Toys

Looks like they've finally found a way to get American Christians to shop at Wal-Mart.


Theresa Gallagher

Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry

John Mackey, CEO of Whole Foods, is currently being investigated for anonymously posting to Yahoo investment groups about Wild Oats, which his company was at the time attempting to buy. What do you think?

Gee, from now on I'm going to think twice about taking online financial advice from complete strangers.


Bart Getrust

Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry

I can't believe I almost let my child eat a carrot from that lying son of a bitch.


Eric Lahey

Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry

I'm just going to ask the question we are all asking ourselves: Why are there never enough registers open at Whole Foods?


Ali Goffrier

Target Sold Illegal Silly String

Retailing giant Target has been fined $120,000 for selling illegally-imported silly string that contained hydrochlorofluorocarbons, the propellant that was banned for damaging the ozone. What do you think?

Sure the gases eat holes in the ozone layer, but a well-aimed blanket of silly string will patch it right up.


Sarah Nichols

Target Sold Illegal Silly String

Well, this is the simple reality of the situation until America can come up with sustainable, environmentally sound alternatives to foreign novelties.


Harmony Klaus

Target Sold Illegal Silly String

$120,000! Where is Target supposed to come up with that kind of money?


David Seenan

5 Polyps Removed From Bush's Colon

Following a routine colonoscopy, doctors removed five small polyps from President Bush. What do you think?

Now he knows how every person in the world has felt for the past six-and-a-half years.


Molly McKee

5 Polyps Removed From Bush's Colon

The president is spending entirely too much time getting colonoscopies and not enough time doing his job.


Johnny Kelly

5 Polyps Removed From Bush's Colon


Carmen Stauffer

Drew Carey New Price Host

Comedian Drew Carey has been named as Bob Barker's successor as host of The Price Is Right. What do you think?

But Bob Barker was just starting to get the hang of it.


Robert Marsalla

Drew Carey New Price Host

Really? Did Ted Danson guess $10,000 higher than CBS offered?


Pierce Atkinson

Drew Carey New Price Host

Well, I certainly can't think of anyone more or less qualified for the job.


Carl Richmond

U.S. City Issues IDs To Illegal Immigrants

New Haven, CT is the first city in the nation to offer ID cards to illegal immigrants, thus granting them privileges such as library cards and bank accounts. What do you think?

But I have always been told that immigrants have no identity.


Waylon Helstrom

Oh, great. Now the library waiting list for The Secret will be months.


Patty Walker

It's bad enough they're taking the jobs I don't want, but now they're getting the services I don't use!


Caroline Adamson

Farewell, Weekly World News

Weekly World News, home to columnist Ed Anger and exclusive coverage of Bat Boy, will cease publication as of August 3. What do you think?

Without their insightful reporting, how are we supposed to make sense of the increasing number of heads appearing on our nation's newborns?


Bob Harvey

Farewell, Weekly World News

Ed Anger must be madder than a dime-a-dance broad at a wheelchair convention at this news.


Andy Pew

Farewell, Weekly World News

Since The Globe broke the story, I have my doubts that it's true.


Antonio Cima

Facebook Founder Sued

Mark Zuckerberg, creator of the popular social networking site Facebook, is being sued by two former classmates who claim he stole the idea. What do you think?

Poor guy. Sounds like he could use a smiley-face comment.


Paige Foster

Facebook Founder Sued

I hope the site isn't shut down before I figure out what the poke feature is for.


Kyle Eastman

Facebook Founder Sued

They probably would have guarded their secret more carefully had they only known that people's basest voyeuristic and exhibitionist predilections could be exploited for money.


Al Payton

Report: Astronauts Flew Drunk

An internal review at NASA revealed that some of their astronauts may have been drunk when they boarded shuttle missions into space. What do you think?

This isn't a big deal. Astronauts are the best of the best. A drunk astronaut is as good as a sober commercial airline pilot.


Doris Snyder

Report: Astronauts Flew Drunk

Um, when are NASA astronauts not drunk? They're being shot into outer fucking space!


Lee Davis

Report: Astronauts Flew Drunk

I'm just glad I'm not an astronaut and that I can get a decent buzz on at work without everyone freaking out.


Jane Thornton

Arizona News Choppers Crash

Two news helicopters crashed in mid-air while covering a high-speed chase in Phoenix, leaving no survivors. What do you think?

At least they died doing something noble. They could have died covering the weather, or traffic, or a police chase.


Martin Green

Arizona News Choppers Crash

At least both stations got live footage of the biggest story happening at the time of the crash.


Wally Thompson

Arizona News Choppers Crash

I certainly hope the television reporters on the ground were asked how the grisly deaths of their colleagues made them feel.


Ben Weissman

Tom Snyder Dead At 71

Late night talk-show host Tom Snyder died Sunday after a long battle with leukemia. What do you think?

It's not inconceivable that, even in this state, he could get another show.


Robert Green

Tom Snyder Dead At 71

He'll be missed. He had that unique quality where no matter how much he knew about the people he was interviewing, he still sounded dated and out of touch.


Ellen Clarke

Tom Snyder Dead At 71

I'll miss his boisterous laugh. It always woke me up when I had fallen asleep on the couch.


Therese Dougan

FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers

FEMA is under fire for being slow to investigate reports by Hurricane Katrina victims who testified they've fallen ill from high levels of formaldehyde in their FEMA-provided trailers. What do you think?

Oh come on, those illnesses could've been the result of any one of the many governmental failures following Katrina.


Jeremy Wallace

FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers

This sounds like a pretty serious federal emergency. Thank God we have FEMA to take care of it.


Kelly Fowler

FEMA Slow To Investigate Toxic Trailers

If anyone else can think of a better place for FEMA to store its formaldehyde, I'd like to hear it.


Milt Haggerty

California Voting Machines Hacked

A team of hackers commissioned to test the security of California's voting machines were able to find several security flaws that enabled them to alter votes. What do you think?

That's all America needs–a nerd president.


Wendy Clauson

California Voting Machines Hacked

As a part of Mitt Romney's campaign team, let me just say that I would like this group's contact information.


Bill Quilty

California Voting Machines Hacked

I don't understand why we needed these fancy new computer voting machines in the first place, what was wrong with the clap-o-meter?


Herman Loving

Congress Approves Surveillance Measures

The Democratic-controlled House passed a bill that will allow wide-ranging domestic and foreign eavesdropping that would be authorized by a secret court. What do you think?

The privacy issues are troubling, but what really bothers me is that the government is going to be getting my phone sex for free.


Rhonda Pryce

Congress Approves Surveillance Measures

It's like the old saying 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em,' except for the part about being beat.


Ed Albaugh

Congress Approves Surveillance Measures

You won't need to eavesdrop to hear this: I voted for you assholes because you said you were against shit like this.


Ashley Malone

190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq

The Pentagon has lost track of nearly 190,000 guns that were given to Iraqi security forces. What do you think?

I'm worried those guns will fall into the wrong hand.


Gunnar Bierce

190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq

On the bright side, Bush is finally vindicated on his WMD claims if you consider 190,000 weapons a single unit.


Manuel Sheperd

190,000 Guns Lost In Iraq

Just wait until they come crawling back asking for bullet handouts.


Andy Wright

Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed

Grand Theft Auto 4, the latest installment of Take Two Interactive's extremely popular video game series, will be delayed until after Christmas of this year. What do you think?

What?! I'm so fucking angry I could shoot a prostitute in the face!


Gus Eleusiniotis

Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed

Well, I suppose until then I can relax with a fine glass of wine and brush up on my Dostoevsky.


Janel Thayre

Grand Theft Auto 4 Delayed

That's okay. I never know what to get my friends for Martin Luther King Day, and now it looks like this video game will be out just in time.


Melissa Checzlowyczh

Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving

According to a new poll, 89 percent of Americans questioned believe that text-messaging while driving should be against the law. What do you think?

Fine, I'll stop texting. But I'll be damned if I start paying attention to the road.


Tracy Herman

Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving

Don't count me in that number. About the only time I have any trouble doing both safely is when I'm backing up.


Frank Cooley

Call To Outlaw Texting While Driving

Wouldn't it be easier to just ban driving? Honestly, who drives any more?


Rick Klein

Baby Einstein DVDs Don't Work

A research team at the University of Washington has determined that babies watching television for an hour a day learned less vocabulary than babies that watched no television. What do you think?

True, but they develop witty comebacks and zingers a lot earlier.


Cynthia Haggarty

Baby Einstein DVDs Don't Work

I'm happy to teach my baby personally, but are these researchers aware that everything I know also comes from TV?


Paul Lamphert

Baby Einstein DVDs Don't Work

This is great news. Finally a proven method to get my baby to shut the hell up.


Randolph Greenland

Karl Rove Resigns

In an interview with The Wall Street Journal, Bush adviser Karl Rove said that he would leave his White House post at the end of August and go back to Texas. What do you think?

That's going to be tough. He's leaving behind some mighty big strings to pull.


Robin Paulus

Karl Rove Resigns

Is there any word on whether he'll be vanishing into black mist on or off camera?


Quincy Viernes

Karl Rove Resigns

I guess Washington can disillusion even the most spirited of idealists.


Paulette Anderon

War Czar Considering Draft

In a recent interview, Army Lt. Gen. Douglas Lute said that it made sense to consider the possibility of a draft. What do you think?

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, fine! I'll go to grad school!


Jake Winslow

War Czar Considering Draft

Boy, this administration is really beginning to test my apathy.


Terry Bamford

War Czar Considering Draft

My only problem with a draft is that I don't want to go.


Paul Keller

Chinese Won't Dump Dollar

In the face of numerous U.S. economic woes, the Chinese government has expressed their confidence in the strength of the dollar, dispelling speculation that they would sell off their $1.33 trillion in foreign reserves holdings. What do you think?

Despite the current economic slump, America is still the best investment in the global marketplace, according to my dad.


Sam McNulty

Chinese Won't Dump Dollar

Unfortunately, this was a case of mistranslation. The Chinese government likes the color of our dollar bill–not the strength.


Dawn Irving

Chinese Won't Dump Dollar

Why, thanks for the vote of confidence, China. By the way, the yuan is still crap.


Fran Kukoda

Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home

Anticipating a move back home, the percentage of Mexicans sending money to family in their native country fell from 71 percent last year to 64 percent. What do you think?

Cutting off their family, eh? Then they've truly become Americans.


Wally Payton

Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home

It burns me up to think of those illegal immigrants hoarding their riches.


Ray Mazucelli

Fewer Mexicans Sending Money Home

I'm not surprised. It's pretty difficult to sneak a bag of money across the border every week and make it back before your double shift at Chili's starts.


Jonas Goodman

Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels

Norway's Princess Martha Louise claims to have psychic powers and can teach people to communicate with angels. What do you think?

All things considered, she's still not as embarrassing as Fergie.


Pam Kressler

Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels

Of course she has psychic powers and communicates with angels. She's a PRINCESS!


John Schiff

Norwegian Princess Talks To Angels

As is the case with all Norwegians, this particular Norwegian is full of shit.


Carl Munson

California Raises Malt Beverage Tax

Responding to criticism that liquor companies were targeting underage drinkers, the California legislature voted to raise the taxes on sweetened malt beverages. What do you think?

This is a greatly needed measure. Those kids I buy booze for have been drinking way too much.


Christine Davis

California Raises Malt Beverage Tax

If the social stigma of holding a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade or Zima doesn't dissuade kids from drinking, nothing will.


Ruben Thompson

California Raises Malt Beverage Tax

While it's true that liquor companies may be marketing to underage drinkers, it's the legal-age patrons of the Marriott Courtyard who will ultimately suffer.


Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown

Citing "shrinkage"" as a factor in recent poor performance

Wal-Mart is instituting a number of anti-shoplifting policies

including prosecuting first-time offenders who are as young as 16. What do you think?"

As a sovereign nation, Wal-Mart has the right to create and enforce whatever crime-prevention laws it sees fit.


Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown

Hopefully, by marshaling the full might of their legal department against teenage criminals, Wal-Mart will be able to keep the price of my Speed Stick at $2.00 and I won't have to buy it on Amazon.


Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown

America has a bright future in store. If our youth can single-handedly bring down the world's most powerful retailer, then there's nothing they can't do.


Ryan Van Duyne

Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What do you think?

I smoke and it doesn't affect my performance at work. Even if it did, I can quit my job anytime.


Arch Potts

Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

I don't see what's wrong with wanting to take a few days to yourself to get some important smoking done.


Pepper Day

Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace

I think this can all be solved if smokers simply switch to pipes. Who doesn't appear smarter and more productive with a pipe?


Kathryn Hodgkins

Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxycodone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has increased sixfold. What do you think?

Why didn't the American people tell me they were hurting?


Josh Day

Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

If it wasn't for painkillers, pain sufferers would be forced to resort to voodoo medicine like physical therapy and chiropractics.


Robert Wharton

Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing

This is obviously an indicator of major growth in two sectors of our nation's population, older people and hillbillies.


Doug Harford

Attorney General Gonzales Resigns

After mounting controversy, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned from office yesterday. What do you think?

Congrats, Dirk Kempthorne! You're now my favorite current cabinet member!


Leslie Doniacz

Attorney General Gonzales Resigns

How am I supposed to explain this to my kids? That the attorney general is just on a business trip for a while? That he'll be back in a little bit? Think of the children!


William Kern

Attorney General Gonzales Resigns

Good. Maybe now we can restore some dignity to the attorney general's office and get a classy singer-songwriter type like John Ashcroft.


Mickey Garvey

Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips

Internet travel site Travelocity was fined $182,750 for booking trips to Cuba in violation of a 45-year-old embargo. What do you think?

Doesn't the Treasury Department know you can get much better fares to enemy nations on Priceline?


Molly Vicks

Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips

As long as we're on the subject, should we just go ahead and fine them for booking trips to Topeka? I have never visited a hotter, more boring city than Topeka, Kansas.


Damien Prow

Travelocity Fined For Cuba Trips

I was one of the people who booked a trip and even if I have to pay the whole fine, it's still cheaper than having my surgery done in the States.


Jane Davidson

Texas Executes 400th Convict

Last week, the state of Texas executed its 400th prisoner since 1976, when execution was ruled constitutional. What do you think?

I commend Rick Perry for having the courage to protect his constituents. Well done, Governor, and please don't kill me.


Craig Baker

Texas Executes 400th Convict

I hope that once the prisoner was brought into the death chamber, the guards surprised him with confetti, balloons, and an oversized syringe.


Darren Pertwee

Texas Executes 400th Convict

I'm really conflicted about this. While I'm against the death penalty, I'm a huge sucker for milestones.


Terry Newton

Motor City Madman Attacks Dems

In a video of a recent live performance, rocker Ted Nugent launched into a tirade against Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) and Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), suggesting that they "suck on"" or ""ride"" a rifle he brandished on stage. What do you think?"

Let it go. People say all kinds of crazy things when they're Ted Nugent.


Nate Jacobs

Motor City Madman Attacks Dems

I think that would be the last thing any of these people would want to do. Doesn't Ted Nugent know that they're all anti-gun?


Karen Varney

Motor City Madman Attacks Dems

Thanks, Ted. You've now given me all the encouragement I need to finally tell my stepdad how I truly feel.


Liza Boors

Senator Craig Arrested

Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) was arrested for lewd conduct at the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport for allegedly attempting to cruise an undercover cop in a public restroom. What do you think?

I don't have any problem with his behavior, as long as he wasn't trying to marry the guy.


Tom Hawkins

Senator Craig Arrested

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? What was a senator from Idaho doing in Minnesota?


Joe Palazzo

Senator Craig Arrested

This situation begs a much bigger question: Why is our police force so tempting?


Kevin Elliott

Afghan Opium Yields Highest Ever

Cultivation of opium poppies in Afghanistan reached a record level for the second year in a row, rising by 60 percent. What do you think?

I think I'll wait another year to join NA, just to see how this thing pans out.


Regina Davis

Afghan Opium Yields Highest Ever

I just don't understand how Afghanistan can be such a depressing place with all that opium around.


Raphael Jurwicz

Afghan Opium Yields Highest Ever

Finally, the Darwinian population control variable we've been waiting for.


Branch Lewis

Housing Prices Fall Sharply

The prices of U.S. homes fell by 3.2 percent in the second quarter, the steepest in 20 years. What do you think?

Great, I'm in the market for a house. Let me know when they drop below $300.


Elisa Fricke

Housing Prices Fall Sharply

Does this mean I'll be able to buy back my foreclosed home back soon?


Kevin Rodden

Housing Prices Fall Sharply

Thank God. Now the pressure's off for me to mow the damn lawn.


Deirdre Norris

America Most Armed Nation

The 2007 Small Arms Survey indicates that the United States is the most armed nation in the world, with 90 guns for every 100 citizens. What do you think?

Surely it doesn't count as two guns if you're just carrying a teensy one in each hand?


John Snell

America Most Armed Nation

As the assistant editor of Guns & Ammo, I'm now wondering where the hell the subscribers are.


Paul DuPont

America Most Armed Nation

With that milestone out of the way, we can now turn our attention to becoming the nation in the world with the sharpest knives.


James Martin

'Unbeatable' Checkers Program Designed

Scientists at the University of Alberta have developed a computer program that can never lose a checkers match, making checkers the most complex game solved to date. What do you think?

So it took them nearly 20 years to make a 12-year-old nerd that no one wants to play with. Awesome.


Joseph DeLaRosa

'Unbeatable' Checkers Program Designed

Along with daily weather bulletins and birthday reminders, science is apparently turning computers into my grandfather.


Anna Tuchman

'Unbeatable' Checkers Program Designed

Yes, but what protocol does it have to deal with me flipping over the board in disgust and calling it a homo when I don't like the way the game is going?


Angela Fisher

Number Of Blacks In Military Down

A Defense Department report states that the percentage of blacks among active-duty recruits fell from 20 percent to 13 percent since the Afghanistan and Iraq wars began. What do you think?

Of course. Iraq has deteriorated to the point where blacks are practically safer in D.C.


Louis Haberman

Number Of Blacks In Military Down

I think it's a cultural thing. Blacks just seem to not like fighting in mismanaged quagmires as much as whites do.


Eric Gill

Number Of Blacks In Military Down

Crap. Soon we won't have any troops left 'cause all the white soldiers will try to be cool by imitating the black soldiers.


Michael Pantilione

Kid Nation Debuts

Kid Nation, a CBS reality program that places 40 children in a deserted town in the New Mexico desert with no adult supervision, premieres September 19. What do you think?

I'm eager to see the first season's 'will they or won't they' candidates.


Lindsay Cooper

Kid Nation Debuts

If I'm not going to watch my own kids, what makes CBS think I would want to watch some other guy's kids?


Austin Cohen

Kid Nation Debuts


Byron Rauch

Bin Laden Called 'Virtually Impotent'

President Bush's Homeland Security adviser Frances Townsend referred to the figurehead of Al-Qaeda as "virtually impotent."" What do you think?"

Ouch. That's gotta hurt much more than actually being captured.


Misty Weigl

Bin Laden Called 'Virtually Impotent'

Not the worst thing in the world. She could have said he was afraid of commitment.


Chuck Beato

Bin Laden Called 'Virtually Impotent'

That's what she said! Oh wait, we're talking about the most dangerous terrorist in the history of the world.


Alma Peters

U.S. Loses 4,000 Jobs

The U.S. economy lost 4,000 jobs last month—the largest drop in four years—raising fears of a recession. What do you think?

So what? A recession just means people will start drinking off-brand soda. Doesn't matter to me as long as I still get five cents a can.


Dale Landmark

U.S. Loses 4,000 Jobs


Ivan Paymer

U.S. Loses 4,000 Jobs

This can all be remedied through interest rates. How it's done and to what extent I haven't a clue, but interest rates are the key.


Kevin Barker

Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith

Chapel-run prison libraries are pulling certain unapproved books on faith, fearing that they may fuel recruitment for militant religious groups. What do you think?

I guess I'm not that worried about religious fundamentalists in our jails because they're in our jails.


Tom Connelly

Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith

That makes sense. Those big religious books are often hollowed out by prisoners to conceal smaller banned books.


Taffy Reiflin

Prison Libraries Pulling Books On Faith

Now I'll have to wait eight to 10 years to find out what happened to Jesus.


Tanya Shields

Bush To Withdraw 30,000 Troops

President Bush announced a plan to withdraw 30,000 troops by next summer. What do you think?

I hope he hasn't picked out the specific 30,000 troops already, because by next August it will be more like 13,500.


Rick Shields

Bush To Withdraw 30,000 Troops

Wow, I'm surprised. That's nearly a perfect amount of troops given the average of every American's opinion.


Larry Harvey

Bush To Withdraw 30,000 Troops

Good. Now we don't have to talk about Iraq again until then.


Darren Warshaw

Russia Tests Largest Conventional Bomb

Russia successfully tested the largest airborne non-nuclear bomb, delivering a blast four times more powerful than the U.S.' "Mother of All Bombs."

It's good to know that World War III will have a short period of spectacular conventional destruction as a build-up to nuclear holocaust.


Linda Braxton

Russia Tests Largest Conventional Bomb

All I have to say is thank God for that Star Wars program.


Cody Friel

Russia Tests Largest Conventional Bomb

Well, you know what, Russia? We've got a not-currently-deployed Coast Guard who is keeping an eye on you.


Pierre Duchamp

France Says Prepare For Iran War

France's Foreign Minister, Bernard Kouchner said that the world must prepare for the prospect of war if Iran obtains nuclear weapons. What do you think?


Jenny Klipstein

France Says Prepare For Iran War

The French should lure Iran with their rich, cream-heavy foods, then attack from within.


Travis Cullum

France Says Prepare For Iran War

Finally. It's about time they quit being so French about everything.


Baly Harper

Microsoft Fine Upheld In Court

Europe's second highest court recently upheld the European Commission's 2004 decision to fine Microsoft 497 million euros for antitrust violations. What do you think?

This is all very interesting for Europe, but remind me again what it has to do with America?


Chuck Gardner

Microsoft Fine Upheld In Court

Don't they know all those fines are just going to force Microsoft to produce an inferior product? I mean, a more inferior one?


Eric Isensee

Microsoft Fine Upheld In Court

This is an important ruling for anybody who believes in antitrust laws or anybody who likes it when rich people lose money.


Adam McCaulley

Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism'

Madonna, meeting with Israeli President Shimon Peres, told him that she was an ambassador for Judaism, despite not being Jewish herself. What do you think?

I hope Jews reject that claim. The economy of La Isla Bonita is still in ruins after her tenure as finance minister in 1987.


Jake Palley

Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism'

I guess that explains why her private jet firebombed Lebanon on the way to Israel.


Shira Rosenthal

Madonna An 'Ambassador For Judaism'

As the self-appointed ambassador for Madonna, I will speak for her and say that she's lost her mind.


Tina Sumner

Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked

After seven days of deliberation, the jury in the murder trial of legendary rock producer Phil Spector said they were unable to reach a consensus. What do you think?

Regardless of whether or not he committed this murder he should be put away for the atrocities he committed against McCartney's 'The Long and Winding Road.'


Chris Hook

Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked

Might as well lock him up. Anybody worth recording with is in prison anyway.


Jerry Morris

Phil Spector Jury Deadlocked

It is pretty hard to decide. On the one hand, Spector has a decades-long track record of terrorizing women with guns, and on the other hand, he shot that woman in the face.


Doug Ng

Peruvians' Mysterious Illness

Nearly 150 Peruvians claim that they have been made ill by a meteor that crashed in Carangas a week ago. What do you think?

That's what they get for licking a meteor.


Randi Sandoval

Peruvians' Mysterious Illness

It's possible given the amount of dust it kicked up when it struck earth. But don't get me wrong, my money is still on aliens.


Jared Iommi

Peruvians' Mysterious Illness

If I believed everything 150 Peruvians told me, I'd still be trapped in Robert Redford's wine cellar. It's a long story.


Kurt Jurgens

Marcel Marceau Dead

Famed French mime Marcel Marceau is dead at 84. What do you think?

While the world will miss Marcel Marceau the man, his character 'Bip' will always live on in my nightmares.


Jennifer Van Houten

Marcel Marceau Dead

The sorrow I feel can best be expressed with a rousing speech spoken through a bullhorn.


Ritch Gerald

Marcel Marceau Dead

[tear falls from eye] [wiping away of the tear] [solemn wave goodbye] [exit via imaginary stairs]


Hilda Wallace

Steroid Bust Nets 124

The DEA participated in an international steroid sweep that resulted in the arrest of 124 people, as well as the seizure of 11.4 million doses of drugs. What do you think?

Tell me who's responsible for this outrage so I can beat them with the arm I just ripped off.


Bryan Kanable

Steroid Bust Nets 124

That's too bad. All of the steroid users are going to look so weak and unappealing now.


Paul Stibbe

Steroid Bust Nets 124

Our prisons are overcrowded enough as it is without going after bulkier criminals.


Claire Mahoney

Starbucks Music Giveaway

Starbucks announced that they would be giving away 1.5 million songs a day for one month to promote their music arm and iTunes deal. What do you think?

I worry how this big partnership will affect mom and pop mp3 stores.


Xander Fukuda

Starbucks Music Giveaway

Finally, I can recreate that rockin' mix I always hear at my local Starbucks in my own home.


Bryce Alberts

Starbucks Music Giveaway

I can download Starbucks music on my iPhone while ordering a latte and talking on a conference call? Wow, I've hit the douchebag trifecta!


Tammy Karp

Utah Polygamist Convicted

Warren Jeffs, the leader of a polygamous Mormon splinter group, was found guilty of being an accomplice to rape for marrying a 14-year-old girl to a 19-year-old man. What do you think?

Is this that Romney guy everybody's talking about?


Sig Carvel

Utah Polygamist Convicted

Oh, come on. If I were to get convicted every time I was an accomplice to rape for marrying a 14-year-old to a 19-year-old, I would have been convicted exactly four times.


Leonard McNulty

Utah Polygamist Convicted

Also, they were first cousins. Just thought I'd throw that into the mix.


Chris Walther

Western Gorilla Almost Extinct

According to the Western Conservation Union, the Western Gorilla is now closer than ever to global extinction. What do you think?

That's an interesting fact, but how is the Fatmucket Clam doing?


Maria Smith

Western Gorilla Almost Extinct

Is there an address where we can send bananas?


Mike McDonnagh

Western Gorilla Almost Extinct

Well, if Grape Ape was any indication, they weren't a very intelligent species, given their propensity riding on the roofs of cars.


Newt Won't Run

Stating that the current campaign finance laws preclude a "middle-class candidate"" from running for president

former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced that he would not run in 2008. What do you think?"

Did he already blow all his royalties from the contract with America?


Newt Won't Run

These campaign laws must change. They fail to provide political dinosaurs with believable excuses for dropping their candidacy.


Newt Won't Run

There goes Newt again! Looking out for the common man.


Tessa Stokler

Britney Loses Custody Of Children

A judge ruled Monday that Britney Spears must surrender custody of her two sons to ex-husband Kevin Federline because of her alleged substance abuse. What do you think?

Isn't there another relative or perhaps a perfect stranger the kids could live with?


Sam Adkins

Britney Loses Custody Of Children

God, I hope there's some high-stakes poker game Federline could lose them in.


Chuck Strange

Britney Loses Custody Of Children

At least now she'll have time to do more drugs and have more kids.


Deborah Vale

Arkansas Nuns Excommunicated

Six nuns in Arkansas were excommunicated from the Catholic Church for heresy after failing to leave a Canadian sect run by a woman claiming to be possessed by the Virgin Mary. What do you think?


Ernst Pylor

Arkansas Nuns Excommunicated

Tough break. It's rough getting nun work in the private sector after getting fired.


Eric Patel

Arkansas Nuns Excommunicated

Nuns excommunicated for heresy? Is anyone else as turned on as I am?


Collette Premmington

North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program

North Korea will disable all nuclear projects and dismantle its Yongblon nuclear reactor with in exchange for U.S. aid. What do you think?

I'm so pleased that North Korea has shifted from pretending to have nuclear weapons to pretending to get rid of them.


Andrew Gabbler

North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program

Oh, that guy again. Hasn't anyone sent him a popcorn tower yet?


Dane Yurman

North Korea Dismantling Nuclear Program

If this is some kind of reverse psychology, it's working. Give them the bomb!


Ray Johnson

Radiohead's New Honor System

British rockers Radiohead are offering their album as a download and letting fans pay what they want for it. What do you think?

Good luck, Radiohead. I tried that with my old comic books and they've been on eBay for like three years.


Kara Disney

Radiohead's New Honor System

I hope that means there's no limit to how much I can pay. The main way I know how to express appreciation is through money.


Alan Gruber

Radiohead's New Honor System

This will do for the music industry what I have done for the handjob industry. I do not recommend it, by the way.


Pete Carson

File Sharer Fined $222,000

A Minnesota woman was fined $222,000 for illegally downloading and distributing 24 songs via the file-sharing network Kazaa. What do you think?

Wow, is that how much music costs now? Honestly, I have no idea, I haven't paid for music in years.


Shelley Birney

File Sharer Fined $222,000

A stiff fine, yes, but it's hardly as bad as when I was punched in the stomach for humming 'Hollaback Girl' on the elevator.


Hans Hoerzl

File Sharer Fined $222,000

To avoid any problems, I'll just start stealing from the record store again.


Patricia Bullwinkel

Ticket Brokers Under Fire

After a slew of instantaneous concert sell-outs, culminating with tween idol Hannah Montana, several states are looking into consumer protection lawsuits to stop ticket brokers from gathering them all up. What do you think?

Paying out the nose for tickets from a broker sucks, but I do find comfort in the fact that I'm not giving my money to Ticketmaster.


Anthony Sylvain

Ticket Brokers Under Fire

If kids could get Hannah Montana tickets anytime they wanted them, how would they learn the value of crushing disappointment?


Gilberto Arstaud

Ticket Brokers Under Fire

Thank goodness. Being denied access to the Hannah Montana concert was the poisoned icing on my horrible cupcake of a year.


Larry Dawes

Police Tasers Deemed Safe

A recent independent study determined that Tasers are generally safe in the hands of the police. What do you think?


Owen Baker

Police Tasers Deemed Safe

The police care for their Tasers so much that they tend to neglect their pepper spray, and that just tears me up inside.


Maggie Astley

Police Tasers Deemed Safe

Breathe easy, YouTube community. It looks like you'll have entertainment for decades to come.


Paulina Kntuson

Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

After an absence of nearly two weeks in which his whereabouts were largely unknown, Robert W. Levy, mayor of Atlantic City, NJ, returned to office only to resign. What do you think?

Well thank goodness he's gone. Erratic and suspicious behavior has no place in Atlantic City.


Tim Lunt

Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

I'm still having trouble getting past the first part. Why would anyone–anyone–disappear from Atlantic City for more than an hour?


Tony Regina

Atlantic City Mayor Resigns

He was a terrible mayor. He promised us constituents hairsprays and cheese fries! Where are my hairsprays and cheese fries?!


Ian Brannon

Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma

First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that the White House was ready to slap sanctions on the Burmese military government if it did not move toward democracy. What do you think?

I didn't care about Darfur. Good luck getting me to give a shit about Burma.


Elizabeth Janey

Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma

Shh, nobody tell her those monks aren't Christian.


Jonah Simms

Laura Bush: U.S. To Condemn Burma

Gen. Shwe is going to be pretty embarrassed when there's a big, blank space on his wall where the White House Christmas card should be.


Terry Altman

NBC Universal To Buy Oxygen

NBC Universal has agreed to pay $925 million for Oxygen, the media company designed to attract women. What do you think?

Of course, that's only 70 percent of what they would pay for a male-oriented network.


Liz Kobler

NBC Universal To Buy Oxygen

Wow, Oprah's going to have a really, really big boat now.


Dave Cooley

NBC Universal To Buy Oxygen

If this means the badass coach on Friday Night Lights is somehow replaced by a woman, I am going to be really pissed.


Jane Young

U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool

Turkey recalled its ambassador to the U.S. and warned there would be dire consequences if Congress passes a resolution classifying the massacre of 1.5 million Armenians between 1915 and 1923 as genocide. What do you think?

This is reminiscent of when Germany withdrew their ambassador until America officially recognized Oktoberfest.


Ricardo Olmos

U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool

Well, politics is all about finding a middle ground. How about calling it an unmitigated slaughter? Would that work?


Ben Hauer

U.S.-Turkey Relations Cool

If there's anything our Congress is good at, it's passing philosophical resolutions in name only that have no tangible outcome.


Ryan Bledsoe

Madonna, Warner Bros. Part Ways

Madonna left her longtime music label Warner Bros. for a 10-year, $120 million contract with the world's largest concert promoter, Live Nation. What do you think?

I'm guessing she was unhappy with Warner because they severely limited her disco-crucifix budget.


Will Southern

Madonna, Warner Bros. Part Ways

At least now she won't be up all night handing out flyers like she had to for last year's Confessions tour.


Linda Braxton

Madonna, Warner Bros. Part Ways

So long as she stays far away in England, she can do whatever she wants.


JoAnn Ways

Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread

A study from the Centers for Disease Control found that potentially deadly drug-resistant staph infections were more prevalent than originally believed. What do you think?

Yeah, well, I bet they're not fist-resistant.


Jason Weintraub

Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread

If things keep going the way they're going, I might actually get to blast a zombie with a shotgun.


Ralph Barnes

Drug-Resistant Staph Widespread

And you don't even get to have sex with the person in order to catch this disease? Sometimes I really hate nature.


Randy Venable

Boomers On Social Security

The first U.S. baby boomer, born one second after midnight on January 1, 1946, has applied for Social Security benefits. What do you think?

Wait a second. Not only do I have to pay to keep them safe from terrorists, I have to pay so they can retire, too?


Mary Errett

Boomers On Social Security

Things may look bleak right now but with our next postwar bubble of vigorous economic growth, it should be 1946 all over again in no time.


Colin Halverson

Boomers On Social Security

Fuck it. If this Social Security ship is about to sink, I'm telling Amy I love her!


Larry Hahn

Rowling: 'Dumbledore Is Gay'

At a public appearance at Carnegie Hall in New York, author J.K. Rowling announced that Dumbledore, the headmaster character in her popular Harry Potter series, is homosexual. What do you think?

Wow. I hadn't heard that. I've been really busy lately not caring about the sexual preferences of fictional people.


Cathy Grodin

Rowling: 'Dumbledore Is Gay'

Dumbledore? I always figured the gay ones were Harry, Draco Malfoy, Hermione, Ron, Hagrid, Dudley Dursely, Ptolemy, Morgana, and Professor Snape.


Ralph Draper

Rowling: 'Dumbledore Is Gay'

Hey, that wasn't supposed to come out yet. Incloseto putbacko!


Katie Kolounakis

Middle School Dispenses Birth Control

After 17 pregnancies were reported in its three middle schools in four years, the school board of Portland, ME, voted to allow the middle school health services to prescribe birth control. What do you think?

This is outrageous. I think my daughter should have to get pregnant at 13 just like I did.


Paul Winthrop

Middle School Dispenses Birth Control

I'm not sure birth control is the answer. Have they tried having an open, honest conversation with these kids about how they're going to hell?


Billy Walton

Middle School Dispenses Birth Control

This will only encourage students to engage in risky behavior like visiting doctors and going to school.


Marc E. Schmidt

Bin Laden Tape Urges Iraq Unity

In a new audio tape, Ossama bin Laden encourages Iraqi insurgents to stop infighting and unite against the occupying forces. What do you think?

That's pretty shortsighted. There's plenty of hatred and violence to go around for everyone.


Ted Haber

Bin Laden Tape Urges Iraq Unity

Another audio tape? God, I have to get that guy's agent!


Pam Barry

Bin Laden Tape Urges Iraq Unity

See, we all nearly want the same thing, kind of.


Colorado Rockies Trademark 'Rocktober'

To celebrate their first trip to the World Series, the Colorado Rockies are designating the month of October "Rocktober

and the team is seeking to trademark the term. What do you think?"

If there is one thing that can make up for a humiliating 13-1 loss, it's a tired marketing catchphrase.


Colorado Rockies Trademark 'Rocktober'

Someone better not snatch up 'Two for Tuesday,' or it could be back to cleaning grease traps for this classic rock DJ.


Colorado Rockies Trademark 'Rocktober'

I never realized baseball could be so much fun!


Charles Gurnick

Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

The manufacturer of the home-vacuuming robot Roomba unveiled a military robot that can be fitted with guns and carry up to 500 pounds. What do you think?

I'm scared about what would happen if one of those things was possibly programmed as intended.


Craig Banner

Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

Are dirt and spills really the biggest problems facing Iraq right now?


Daphne Golden

Roomba Maker Unveils Military Robot

If the fear it instilled in my cat is any indication, this machine will be a wild success.


Thomas Gevedon

The Child Labor Gap

Clothing retailer The Gap Inc. was forced to disavow a factory in India that was revealed to have been employing young children to make Gap clothing under horrible conditions. What do you think?

By horrible conditions you just mean 'in India,' correct?


Lucy Guilfoyle

The Child Labor Gap

I'm sure they didn't take into account the generous product discount these children are getting.


Lucas Mullan

The Child Labor Gap

I'm shocked. I was under the impression that all Gap clothes were made by child labor.


Philip Kendricks

Iraqi Diplomat Draft?

The State Department has said that it may force Foreign Service staff to serve in the U.S. embassy in Baghdad if they do not get enough volunteers to fill 40-50 vacancies. What do you think?

American diplomats have been forced to work in undesirable postings before. Akron, for one.


Sam Woodson

Iraqi Diplomat Draft?

All they need to do is put on some commercials that make it seem that being a diplomat is all about playing paintball and riding in helicopters.


Betsy Rufin

Iraqi Diplomat Draft?

Maybe we could try to make Iraq better. Has that been suggested yet?


with a contract to buy 100

Uruguay First To Buy Cheap Laptops

Uruguay has become the first country to order the famed "$100"" laptops

000 of the devices for the country's schoolchildren. What do you think?"

Haha. I love how $1,200 is too expensive for some people to spend on a laptop. Like, who are these people?


Uruguay First To Buy Cheap Laptops

That's one laptop for every 30 people in Uruguay, a fact they can use when promoting their country.


Uruguay First To Buy Cheap Laptops

This devalues the whole point of poverty.


Shira Chernikof

Seinfeld's Return

Nine years after his eponymous television show went off the air, Jerry Seinfeld is making a splash with his new film Bee Movie. What do you think?

Jerry Seinfeld may be passé but, fortunately for this movie, bees are always relevant.


Jake Riley

Seinfeld's Return

I've always wanted to see how Jerry Seinfeld would poke fun at the everyday foibles of pollination, nest construction, and wax excretion.


David Trebach

Seinfeld's Return

Remember the Seinfeld episode about b.o.? Or the one when Jerry rides first-class and Elaine is in coach? Or the one where they're waiting in the Chinese restaurant? Or the 'contest?'


Darby McGuinness

Atlanta Running Out Of Water

By Army Corps of Engineers estimates, the city of Atlanta could run out of water in about 100 days. What do you think?

The Coca-Cola headquarters are right there. Can't they just step in with some crisp, cool refreshment?


Bunny Raleigh

Atlanta Running Out Of Water

Yeah, well, St. Louis has been running out of good men for years now!


Cole Dalton

Atlanta Running Out Of Water

Oh no! Then where will I go for various conventions?


Gery Weidemeyer

Aid Workers Stealing Children

Several French aid workers are charged with trying to smuggle 103 children they claimed were orphans from Darfur, but in reality were children with living parents from Chad. What do you think?

I'm outraged that my Darfur orphan may just be a cheap Chadian knockoff.


Cathy Terrell

Aid Workers Stealing Children

We all know Mr. and Mrs. Oueddei weren't giving their son the support he needed to become a successful subsistence farmer.


Hal Getrust

Aid Workers Stealing Children

My guess is the non-orphan issue would be moot a year or two from now.


Rick Donnelly

New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac

A rare new Trojan horse that targets Mac users and takes over their computers has been found on pornographic websites. What do you think?

Though I know this Mac virus is undesirable, its rarity gives me an unquenchable thirst to possess it.


Bettie Farnsworth

New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac

Before I answer I'd first like to know what the current societal views are regarding online pornography.


Dan Benincasa

New Trojan Horse Strikes Mac

Wait a minute. You can access porn on something that isn't a wall calendar? When did that happen?


Myra Cummer

Cheney Impeachment Resolution In Committee

A resolution to impeach Vice President Dick Cheney was sent to the House Judiciary Committee for review. What do you think?

Impeaching is irresponsible and supported only by the fringe 'We don't want the Constitution violated' movement.


Tyler Coppernol

I doubt it goes forward. The people on that committee all have families.


Jerry Terrell

This won't achieve anything. The only way to stop Cheney is to cut out his heart and burn it during a full moon.


Ashley Brennan

Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani

Televangelist Pat Robertson has endorsed former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani as Republican presidential candidate despite Giuliani's pro-abortion rights stance. What do you think?

This makes perfect sense in light of his pro-Pat Robertson stance.


David Oppenheimer

Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani

I don't know whose credibility this ruins more.


Mike Hilleman

Pat Robertson Endorses Giuliani

Between an abrupt return to seasonal temperatures, the very real threat of no new episodes of Lost, and now this presidential endorsement, I am not exactly sure what the hell is going on.


Carl Moleman

Bush Gets First Veto Override

For the first time in Bush's seven-year presidency, the Senate overrode a veto, for a water resources bill that would preserve wetlands. What do you think?

Well, it's not quite bringing the troops home, but I guess it's at least a fairly pointless expression of the people's will.


Cynthia Withers

Bush Gets First Veto Override

I wouldn't get too cocky, I bet the president can still find a way to screw up those wetlands.


Frank Mahoney

Bush Gets First Veto Override

While this might classify as a check, I don't think it quite balances anything.


Charlie Thornton

Plague Fatality In Arizona

An autopsy revealed that an Arizona biologist who was found dead on Nov. 2 had contracted the pneumonic plague after handling a cougar corpse. What do you think?

Exactly what precautions can the rest of us take? Avoiding cougar carcasses? Is that very realistic?


Mary Benning

Plague Fatality In Arizona

The resurgence of the plague is probably because God is angry with mankind. Either that or because the bacterium, Yersinia pestis, is found in rodents and their fleas and is prevalent in many areas of the world.


Haitham Tahir

Plague Fatality In Arizona

Did he have a headache and fatigue and stuff? Shit, I'm going to die.


Kira Hauser

New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban

The New Jersey Assembly will vote on Dec. 13 whether to abolish the death penalty. What do you think?

That's good, but I'd still rather kill people in New York.


Ed Dolby

New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban

Hey, I'm all for the decision, just as long as New Jersey doesn't get rid of the slow, torturous death of a regular prison sentence.


George Dean

New Jersey Votes On Death Penalty Ban

They haven't executed anybody in 44 years. Shouldn't they at least try it before abolishing it all together?


Stu Bailey

Stagehand Strike Shutters Broadway

Stagehands for Broadway plays are on strike, causing many performances to cancel. What do you think?

Finally, an excuse to force my children to learn all the parts to Les Miserables.


Eli Kovacs

Stagehand Strike Shutters Broadway

You're asking me about Broadway shows? What are you getting at? I'll punch you in the face, dude, I swear. Back off.


Raissa Spees

Stagehand Strike Shutters Broadway

That's a pretty weird tactic. Why not just drop a beam on an actor while he's performing? Someone should have thought a little harder about this.


Jose Marinos

Bishops Urge Iraq Withdrawal

U.S. Catholic bishops described the situation in Iraq as "unacceptable"" and urged the withdrawal of troops as quickly as possible. What do you think?"

I'm impressed. Once they got over the earth moving around the sun, they caught up to current news really quick.


Anthony Cheswick

Bishops Urge Iraq Withdrawal

As bishops, their outlook is always diagonal. They should understand that Bush, as a leader, can only move a little at a time.


Gloria Johnson

Bishops Urge Iraq Withdrawal

Now there's a Catholic withdrawal method we can all get behind.


Alan Baker

Rove New Newsweek Columnist

Newsweek magazine hired the president's former deputy chief of staff, Karl Rove, as a columnist last week. What do you think?

His insights into the presidential race will be invaluable. I wonder if he thinks McCain should be backstabbed or just trash-talked?


Julie Pertwee

Rove New Newsweek Columnist

I wonder if it still counts as planting stories when you're doing it in your own column.


Dave Troughton

Rove New Newsweek Columnist

Karl Rove is the last person I want to get sex advice from.


Terry Gerdes

Pot Smokers Well-Adjusted

A recent Swiss survey reveals that that teenagers who smoke marijuana function better than those who also use tobacco. What do you think?

I think it's because pot smoking teaches kids to slow down and take stock of what's really important in life: sandwiches.


Alice Muldowney

Pot Smokers Well-Adjusted

What about those teenagers who aren't musicians, painters, and deadbeats? How well do they function?


Ivan Chernikoff

Pot Smokers Well-Adjusted

Is this some kind of trick to make kids think that pot isn't cool?


Janice Dubie

ADHD Brains Develop More Slowly

Children and adolescents with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder have been shown to have slower development in certain regions of the brain. What do you think?

However, the regions of the brain in charge of flashing lights and electronic beeping show tremendous advancement.


Brian Crews

ADHD Brains Develop More Slowly

That's okay, it gives them three years longer to be hyperactive kids. They'll be maladjusted adults for the rest of their lives soon enough.


Steve Nearing

ADHD Brains Develop More Slowly


Jerome Blair

New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes

A glaucoma drug called Lumigan is now being marketed for its side effect of growing eyelashes longer. What do you think?

No thanks. My current glaucoma medication has the more beneficial side effect of getting me high off my ass.


Geoff Hooper

New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes

Why not just come out and say that you don't like my eyelashes?! Oh God, I'm sorry. I just feel so inadequate and angry about my tiny lashes.


Charlotte Tydrich

New Drug Lengthens Eyelashes

After 10 weeks of use, my eyelashes have never been fuller and longer and I am unequivocally a better person because of it.


Sasha Makepeace

Study: Acupuncture Works

A recent German study demonstrated that acupuncture, even fake acupuncture, worked better than conventional care to relieve chronic back pain. What do you think?

Whenever I stick needles in myself, I feel better. Of course, they are full of drugs.


Doug May

Study: Acupuncture Works

Conventional care being the eight minutes of therapy after waiting four hours in a hard plastic chair? Yeah, how did that fail?


Brad Cohn

Study: Acupuncture Works

Isn't all acupuncture 'fake acupuncture?'


Paul Hershey

Hate Crimes Up In '06

The latest FBI statistics show that hate crimes jumped 7.8 percent in 2006. What do you think?

This just means that those who commit crimes of passion will have to work that much harder next year.


Veronica Lambert

Hate Crimes Up In '06

Yeah, I remember that. People really hated each other last year. What was the deal?


Alan Dumain

Hate Crimes Up In '06

Did you ever think that maybe Asians just got 7.8 percent more annoying?


Sidney Gerber

Russian Protest Crackdown

Riot police detained more than 200 people at a rally protesting the Kremlin and the Putin government. What do you think?

Can't those people just settle down and enjoy the iron fist of democracy?


Violet Klein

Russian Protest Crackdown

The thing you have to respect about Putin is that he doesn't send others to do his dirty work; he went out there, knocked those 200 people around, and arrested them himself.


Jonas VanDerHeusen

Russian Protest Crackdown

What can be said? They beat them with sticks. Then they drank together, and embraced, and laughed. They talked of sweet Natalya and her sister Yulia with her copper-red hair. They beat them again.


Angel McCaskey

Trent Lott Resigns

Trent Lott, the second-ranking Republican in the Senate, announced that he would be leaving office at the end of the year. What do you think?

See, you don't have to wait for a public disgrace before quitting. You can do it two, or even three weeks before.


Phil Windstrup

Trent Lott Resigns

With Lott's announcement and Dog the Bounty Hunter's cancellation, white supremacy really took one on the chin this month.


Kevin Potter

Trent Lott Resigns

This is a great loss for our country, but a huge gain for the principle of decency.


Susan Olivera

D.C. Tops In AIDS

The District of Columbia has the highest AIDS rates in the country. What do you think?

At least it'll expedite the time they have to live in abject poverty.


Walter Poloni

D.C. Tops In AIDS

A high rate is good isn't it? Or am I confusing AIDS with Annual Percentage Yields?


Richard Turk

D.C. Tops In AIDS

As a homophobic political humorist, I'd say this qualifies as manna from heaven.


Keith Spicolli

U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys

Using skin cells, scientists at the Oregon National Primate Research Center have cloned rhesus macaque monkeys and harvested stem cells. What do you think?

Before we get all excited, let's remember—cloning is a long and difficult process that will only be available to the wealthiest monkeys.


Martin Nyman

U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys

I'd better hold my praise until some opinionated monk calls himself a bioethicist and weighs in.


Leona Frye

U.S. Researchers Clone Monkeys

Oh great. Now this box full of rare monkeys I've got is worthless.


Terry Golden

Christmas Trees More Expensive

Due to high fuel costs, the price of Christmas trees will be around 10 percent higher this year. What do you think?

The high costs have affected Hanukkah, too. I could only afford a menorah with four candleholders.


Grace Patrochis

Christmas Trees More Expensive

That tricky Jesus. Always trying to make a buck.


Chuck Warner

Christmas Trees More Expensive

I cut down my own tree every year. It makes Christmas more meaningful without the hassle of attending church.


Alan Thurber

Evel Knievel Dead

Legendary stuntman Evel Knievel died at home last week at the age of 69. What do you think?

His spirit will live on in every vacant lot, every row of 13 Pepsi delivery trucks, and every 20-foot-long box filled with rattlesnakes.


Cathy DuBrow

Evel Knievel Dead

That's too bad. I was rooting for his oxygen to complete the leap over the blood-brain barrier.


Strom Gustavson

Evel Knievel Dead

Thank God. Now I can finally let my kids watch TV again. Of course, they are in their 40s.


Bekkah Potter

God Told Roberts To Quit University

Amidst charges of mishandling resources, Richard Roberts resigned from his post as president of the debt-saddled Oral Roberts University, saying God told him to step down. What do you think?

Well now I'm confused, because over Thanksgiving God told me Roberts is full of shit.


Ray Bayne

God Told Roberts To Quit University

This would be a commendable move if God hadn't been seen driving around in that brand new Maserati.


Alberto Rosa

God Told Roberts To Quit University

Looks like Roberts is applying the Christian ideal of apologizing and walking away once the shit has hit the fan.


Jeff Hestetune

Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003

A new assessment by American intelligence agencies stated that Iran halted their nuclear weapons program four years ago. What do you think?

This is worse than I thought! They're only four years away from being 16 years away from an atomic bomb!


Alex Burnstead

Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003

This marks significant progress. Instead of finding out later, we know right now how wrong we'll be to invade a Middle Eastern nation.


Brianna Kupperman

Iran Gave Up Nuke Program In 2003

Hold on. Then who exactly can I count on to blow up the world in a not-yet-determined amount of time?


Linda Sai

Kidnapping British People Legal

A lawyer for the U.S. government told the Court of Appeal in London that the United States could legally kidnap citizens of other countries because it was sanctioned by the Supreme Court. What do you think?

People abroad must learn that America lives in our hearts, and that gives us the right to do whatever we want, wherever we want.


Mark Solomon

Kidnapping British People Legal

I vote to kidnap those posh birds from Nuts Magazine. They've got a right set of baps on them.


Ken Ralston

Kidnapping British People Legal

Look on the bright side. They'll get a fantastic exchange rate on legal fees.


Roger Gochenhauer

Clinton, Giuliani Slipping In Polls

In the past few months, Democrat presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton and Republican presidential front-runner Rudy Giuliani have each seen their huge leads erode by about 10 points. What do you think?

Looks like somebody's gotta show some more skin.


Michelle Lew

Clinton, Giuliani Slipping In Polls

It's not uncommon for the novelty of voting for a woman or an adulterer to begin wearing off.


Pete McDonald

Clinton, Giuliani Slipping In Polls

With this minuscule setback, at least they'll be slightly humbled when their respective parties choose them to run anyway.


Fritz Klasko

Defense Labs Hack May Be Chinese

A cyberattack on computers in a U.S. nuclear weapons laboratory is suspected to have been of Chinese origin. What do you think?

I guess they should probably start requiring a password at www.AmericanNuclearSecrets.com.


Samantha McGeorge

Defense Labs Hack May Be Chinese

It's going to be tough to catch those responsible since there are 1,321,851,888 suspects.


Henry Lee

Defense Labs Hack May Be Chinese

I'm confident that people who really appreciate nuclear weapons technology will wait for the official U.S. launch in July.


Katya Armstrong

The Month Of Zepcember

After years apart, the three original members of Led Zeppelin reunited in a triumphant concert in London on Monday. What do you think?


Blain Freeman

The Month Of Zepcember

It just goes to show that no matter how old you get, you can always use more money.


Scott Frederiksen

The Month Of Zepcember

It was truly a concert that people will tell their grandchildren about the following weekend.


Al Bisley

Romney Runs First Attack Ad

Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney became the first candidate in the 2008 Republican race to run an attack ad, slamming Mike Huckabee's record on immigration. What do you think?

It's a cheap tactic that makes me question whether a devil-praising Mormon who has put thousands of Americans out of work should be president.


Bobby Olivera

Romney Runs First Attack Ad

I worry that if the campaign's common denominator gets any lower, it will create an improper fraction.


Brenda Helms

Romney Runs First Attack Ad

It's about time someone hit Mike Huckabee where it hurts. Which one's Mike Huckabee again?


Dana Lowenstein

Ike Turner Dead

Rock and roll pioneer Ike Turner died on Wednesday at 76. What do you think?

This guy was real? I though he was just a character Tina Turner made up.


Owen Gambier

Ike Turner Dead

Does that mean the 4 p.m. Tuesday slot at Oneida Bingo & Casino is open? 'Cause my band is ready to go, baby!


Irving Maypeth

Ike Turner Dead

He was a musical pioneer. It's too bad his reputation was sullied by that last album.


Alexander Schneider

Human Evolution Accelerating

According to a study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, rapid population growth is accelerating the evolutionary process. What do you think?

Did my wife put you up to this? I told her I want to stop at two.


Anna Holsenbeck

Human Evolution Accelerating

I'm no genius, but clearly this means the more babies I father, the faster I'll be able to fly.


Kevin Benaim

Human Evolution Accelerating

Ah, this whole cock and bull theory will blow over in 10,000 years.


Geoff Ripps

One Cell Phone Per Two Humans

A report in November announced that there are 3.3 billion mobile phone accounts—one for every two people in the world. What do you think?

That many? Looks like planet Earth is doing pretty good for itself.


Tessa Febre

One Cell Phone Per Two Humans

Oh yeah? But how many of them have a cell phone that can do this? Check this out.


Tom Robbins

One Cell Phone Per Two Humans

Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer yelling.


Walter Merril

Immigration At Highest In 80 Years

According to a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, immigrants now account for one in eight U.S. residents. What do you think?

Fortunately, the fact that one in four people is a jingoistic nut job helps even things out.


Fritz Blumenthal

Immigration At Highest In 80 Years


Barb Koepke

Immigration At Highest In 80 Years

Does that mean that someone in my family is an immigrant? I wonder if it's John.


Alicia Klaffky

Germany To Ban Scientology

Germany's interior minister called the Church of Scientology "an unconstitutional organization"" and said the nation is seeking to ban the group. What do you think?"

I hope the Germans can gird themselves to live in a world without Kirstie Alley.


Marcus Washington

Germany To Ban Scientology

He sounds angry. Perhaps he'd like to meet with some nice friends of mine and explain his feelings while being hooked up to a fake machine.


Ted Berg

Germany To Ban Scientology

This is, without question, the worst instance of religious persecution Germany has ever authorized.


Penelope LeBlanc

Obesity Rates Plateau

Government health officials report that obesity rates in the United States have leveled off. What do you think?


Gabe Clail

Obesity Rates Plateau

I hope obesity rates don't start actually decreasing. I'm barely considered attractive by comparison as it is.


Keith Sherwood

Obesity Rates Plateau

At last, medical science has finally acknowledged the 'big-boned' phenomena.


Kerry Huth

Anti-Cancer Machine Invented?

Research reports on the American Cancer Society's website suggest that a new machine, invented by a Florida man with no medical training, may be able to destroy cancer cells. What do you think?

The inventor has no medical training? I think I'll stick with my cancer, thanks.


Alma Stein

Anti-Cancer Machine Invented?

Using gold nanoparticles to attack the cells is either ingenious or very stupid, depending on what my HMO says.


Kevin Blum

Anti-Cancer Machine Invented?

Yeah, well the machine I invented in my basement destroys a lot more than just cancer cells.


Sam Kennedy

Mayor Says To Lose Weight

Mick Cornett, the mayor of Oklahoma City, has challenged every citizen to lose a collective 1 million pounds in an effort to help the state capital shed the distinction of being one of America's fattest cities. What do you think?

If they're really serious about attaining this goal, the first thing they need to do is stop eating each other.


Jess MacNamara

Mayor Says To Lose Weight

Collective weight loss will take forever. Just take it all off Mama Dunster. She's got at least a million and a half to give.


Larry Queenan

Mayor Says To Lose Weight

What, and go back to being famous for that smell?


Rebecca Carlson

McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

Senator John McCain surprised observers by winning the Republican vote in the New Hampshire primary. What do you think?

If I've ever trusted a state to set the stage for the presidential election, it's the one that leads the country in per capita sales of alcohol.


Paul Messner

McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

You know, I'm happy for him. If a guy spends five years getting tortured by the Viet Cong, the least we can do is toss a primary or two his way.


Thad Cowley

McCain Wins New Hampshire Primary

While I agree with much of his policies, I can't, with clear conscience, condone his age.


Lori Paulson

Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties

A study conducted by researchers at San Diego State University and the University of Michigan found that college women are encouraged to drink more at theme parties. What do you think?

In my day, women didn't abuse alcohol until after we got married, became housewives, and realized our lives were over.


Scott Archer

Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties

Interesting. Same thing happens to me on work-themed days.


Kathleen Jaffee

Coeds Drink More At Themed Parties

'Theme' is not the correct term. I think you mean 'motif.' I'll be in my office until four if you need any further notes.


Penelope Budisch

Study Counters Autism-Vaccination Link

A new study found no evidence to support the long-speculated causality between infant vaccination and autism. What do you think?

I am unmoved by these findings. The amount of scientific evidence I've made up in my mind is too significant to refute.


Joe Luttig

Study Counters Autism-Vaccination Link

After my baby didn't babble or gesture after 12 months, I hoped the cause was autism. I've since learned he's dead.


Carl Black

Study Counters Autism-Vaccination Link

That narrows it down to being the parents' fault.


Paul Ortiz

Weinsteins To Reach Deal With Writers

According to co-founder Harvey Weinstein, the Weinstein Company, one of the largest independent film companies in Hollywood, has struck a deal with striking writers. What do you think?

Thank God. The Nanny Diaries 2 wasn't just going to write itself.


Reni Dauphin

Weinsteins To Reach Deal With Writers

Hooray for the Weinsteins, those selfless, trailblazing supporters of writers and all artists!


Jim Klaw

Weinsteins To Reach Deal With Writers

[Written response withheld until further notice from the WGA.]


Byron Weigel

Carl's Jr. Founder Dead

Carl Karcher, the founder of Carl's Jr. and owner of Hardee's, died just days shy of his 91st Birthday. What do you think?

I wondered why all those yellow happy star flags were being flown at half mast.


Jan Oyler

Carl's Jr. Founder Dead

I thought Hardee's was owned by the government.


Winston Rae

Carl's Jr. Founder Dead

And with his death goes his strange and inexplicable use of possessives.


Simone Walton

First Indian-American Governor Elected

With his swearing in as governor of Louisiana on Monday, Republican Bobby Jindal became the first Indian-American to head a U.S. state. What do you think?

This is great. I wonder what diverse, multicultural elements he'll bring to systemic corruption?


Gary Halverchuck

First Indian-American Governor Elected

Man, Louisiana goes from a woman to an Indian. Are we still classifying Louisiana as part of America?


Dave Piedmont

First Indian-American Governor Elected

His parents must be so close to being proud.


Keith Bonney

Obama And Clinton Call Truce

After tense days of racial and personal accusations flying back and forth between the top Democratic candidates, Barack Obama has called for a truce with the Hillary Clinton campaign. What do you think?


Alex Hacke

Obama And Clinton Call Truce

Leave it to the Democrats to introduce racially suggestive character accusations so subtle that people actually get bored by them.


Marcia Campton

Obama And Clinton Call Truce

There's no need to bicker. As a black man and a white woman, they are completely and equally flawed in my eyes.


Layna Polou

American Idol Ratings Down

The season debut of American Idol was the lowest it's been in four years. What do you think.

What that show needs is to just put me on 'cause I'm'a star and 'Merica going to see me and be like 'Wha! Yee-yah!'


Darren Spurr

American Idol Ratings Down

It's more interesting and time-saving to read about which American Idol is getting dropped from their label.


Sol Greenway

American Idol Ratings Down

People finally realized that they could find out who the winner is by tuning into the last few minutes of the final episode.


Tony Bramah

U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List

Late last week, Canada placed the United States on an official list of countries that practice torture before removing it on Saturday. What do you think?

We need to find out whoever did this, strap them to a board, and dump gallons upon gallons of water on them until they agree to take us off that list.


Lacey Baines

U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List

Why is Canada in charge of the official torturers list?


Dave Burns

U.S. Briefly On Canadian Torture List

I'm not sure why this is a problem. Were we at the bottom or the list or something?


Marc Burns

Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances

A new study by Kaiser Permanente Research Division in Oakland, CA says that the caffeine in two cups of coffee per day can double the chances of an expectant mother miscarrying. What do you think?

Coffee's for saps. You really want to miscarry, you go drink yourself some bleach.


Yvone Riley

Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances

Falling down stairs and now this? Where is a pregnant woman expected to find any joy?


Karl Pawlett

Caffeine Increases Miscarriage Chances

Okay, but those expectant mothers were also playing really violent video games on a somewhat regular basis. So, let's not just blame the caffeine.


Kay Hanley

Stone To Direct Bush Biopic

Oliver Stone, director of Platoon, JFK, and The Doors, has chosen President George W. Bush as the subject of his next film. What do you think?

I'm going to stay after the credits to find out his legacy.


Steve Leigh

Stone To Direct Bush Biopic

Unless there's a graphic Turkish prison scene involving Bush, I don't want to see it.


Mike Carroll

Stone To Direct Bush Biopic

Who do they want for the lead? I hear Fred Thompson's got some free time now.


Craig Rogers

Huckabee Aides Going Unpaid

Several top advisers for Mike Huckabee's struggling presidential campaign have been forced to work without pay. What do you think?

Just what we need, more deadbeat Republicans on the unemployment rolls.


Simon Smith

Huckabee Aides Going Unpaid

Maybe Chuck Norris is starting to cost more in food and lodging than he's worth.


Brix Scanlon

Huckabee Aides Going Unpaid

Just goes to show you how hard some people will work for the achievement of a national catastrophe.


Marcia Wolstencroft

Yahoo! Cutting Jobs

Yahoo!, the popular internet portal site, plans to trim its workforce by 10 to 20 percent at the end of the month. What do you think?

The exclamation point they insist on putting at the end of the company name seems so hollow and disingenuous now.


Simon Bush

Yahoo! Cutting Jobs

With my luck, they'll probably get rid of the guy who could tell me how to get rid of that goddamn toolbar from my browser.


Dave Schofield

Yahoo! Cutting Jobs

Oh no! Does this mean that dot-com bubble of the '90s is about to burst?


Tom Nagle

Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way

Congress agreed on an economic stimulus package that would give individual taxpayers a rebate of up to $600. What do you think?

Perfect. That should cover my moving costs to Toronto.


Julia Wilding

Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way

I wish that once in a while, Congress would give me a tax rebate not to boost their economy, but because they love me.


Neville Head

Economic Stimulus Package On Its Way

I hope buying $600 worth of waffles helps the economy, because that's what I'm going to do.


Adam Leatham

State Of The Union Address

President Bush delivered his last State Of The Union Address last night. What do you think?

He's right. No one can deny the results of No Child Left Behind, because thanks to the program, no one has any basic reasoning skills.


Karen Blaney

State Of The Union Address

It was a great speech, but my only problem was that President Bush failed to address why our government is doing such a shitty job.


Ed Helal

State Of The Union Address

I wish there were a way to find out what's happening in this country more than once a year.


Baly Carlisle

State Quarter Program Ending

The nearly 10-year-old State Quarter program will draw to a close this year. What do you think?

Oh, come on! I just came up with a hilarious design for Maine.


Justin Kirsch

State Quarter Program Ending

I don't have time to dick around with this question. I'm short a Kentucky and the clock is ticking.


Chris Davenprort

State Quarter Program Ending

And it seems like just yesterday that I also didn't give a shit how I paid the parking meter.


Spencer Rimmer

Sex Offenders To Register Email Addresses

Proposed legislation in New York would protect underage Internet users by creating an email registry of convicted sex offenders. What do you think?

Don't they already have ways to distinguish sex offenders online? Isn't that what the winking emoticon is for?


Ben Birtwistle

Underage kids shouldn't be on the Internet. They should be outside, enjoying fresh air, and getting into stranger's vans.


Lucy Pritchard

But can't sex offenders just get new e-mail addresses? Nah, I'm probably just overthinking this.


Cathy Ripp

Starbucks Closing Stores

After posting the weakest sales period in the company's history, Starbucks announced that it would be closing 100 stores. What do you think?

Where am I supposed to go now to seem important, harried, and in a huge rush?


Keith Pettersen

Starbucks Closing Stores

Instead of closing stores, they can boost sales by going back to basics and focusing on their original business of opening stores.


Paul Oppenheimer

Starbucks Closing Stores

See, I knew that neighborhood boycott I organized in 1991 would work.


Al Barber

Spy Satellite Going To Crash

An American spy satellite launched in 2006 has lost power and expected to fall to Earth in late February or early March. What do you think?

Get your cameras out. If my calculations are correct, the impact will be at least a 7.4 on the Bruckheimer scale.


Rachel Mays

Spy Satellite Going To Crash

Just like the government, always trying to find a way to get their spy satellites in our business.


Sean Monnahagn

Spy Satellite Going To Crash

I never knew there would be consequences to mankind's insatiable thirst for knowledge.


Barry Last

Cut Cables Slow Indian Internet

The accidental severing of three undersea cables has led to a massive Internet slowdown in India. What do you think?


Lauren Plouff

Cut Cables Slow Indian Internet

So, theoretically speaking, if I wanted to blog something racist about Indians now would be the best time?


James Gray

Cut Cables Slow Indian Internet

Wait–the Internet is underwater? Now it's starting to make sense.


Lindsay Pullman

United Charges For Second Bag

Unites Airlines will begin charging $25 for a second checked bag on select low-fare flights. What do you think?

I plan to get around that fee with extra-large pockets.


Daniel Castle

United Charges For Second Bag

At this rate, it would cost less to just buy my fireworks when I get there.


Warren Van Strauss

United Charges For Second Bag

Boy, these airlines will do anything to get your money, like charge you for labor and services.


Michael Hartman

Three-Parent Embryo Developed

British scientists claim to have created an embryo with genes from three people. What do you think?

What? A conception that strays from traditional heterosexual marital union? Where's my congressman?


Ethan Richards

Three-Parent Embryo Developed

God, I hope the three British people weren't all from the royal family.


Emma Morganstern

Three-Parent Embryo Developed

So what? A lot of people already have three parents. My own daughter has blue eyes like her one daddy, and she likes to stay up late and bounce checks at the liquor store just like the other.


Cynthia Buckley

Female Voter-Age Gap Between Obama, Clinton

While Obama polls well with women under the age of 30, Clinton polls exceptionally well with women over the age of 30. What do you think?

Obviously, the winner of the nomination is going to be the first one to capture the elusive exactly-30 demographic.


Tim Barretto

We've finally risen above race to get to what matters: age.


Mark Conniff

Why would one demographic believe in one thing while another believe in something different?


Eric Cox

U.S. Stores Accepting Euros

In what is seen as a sign of the declining dollar, many New York City stores have begun accepting euros. What do you think?

I'd like to refer everyone to Lou Dobbs for my opinion on this matter.


Tammy Jackson

U.S. Stores Accepting Euros

I just hope they go back to accepting pelts. Long story short, I got a lot of pelts I need to unload.


Scott Hernandez

U.S. Stores Accepting Euros

If you're gouging people on the price of a bottle of water, it just seems more polite to do it in their own currency.


Dick Ystremski

Clinton Campaign Manager Out

Sen. Hillary Clinton replaced her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, after Barack Obama swept four state primaries this weekend. What do you think?

She did a fantastic job to date, but running a 15-plus-year presidential campaign is bound to take its toll eventually.


Shannon Lee

Clinton Campaign Manager Out

There are plenty of capable, talented women out there with three names that can take her place.


David Lewis

Clinton Campaign Manager Out

This is exactly the kind of minor reshuffling that Hillary Clinton needs to do in order to revitalize her campaign.


Bettie Arnold

Chavez Threatens To Cut United States Off

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez has threatened to stop sending oil to the United States, citing Washington's role in aiding Exxon Mobil with a lawsuit against nationalizing the country's oil. What do you think?

Bullies like Chavez should never underestimate the little guy—in this case, Exxon Mobil.


Pedro Barajas

I'm surprised by how relatively reasonable this threat is.


Adam Metz

Exxon Mobil or Hugo Chavez. Please don't make me choose sides here.


Duncan Garfield

Florida Evicts Bridge-Dwelling Sex Offenders

The state of Florida is dissuading sex offenders from continuing to live under a bridge, despite their claims that existing ordinances prevent them from living elsewhere. What do you think?

I hope all this talk of sex offenders doesn't tarnish the squeaky-clean image of the common bridge-dweller.


Alex Gladstone

I know that sometimes it's difficult to have sympathy for sex offenders, but just pretend for a minute that one of them was your father.


Mallory Ryan

This is an outrage. My children drive over that bridge!


Callie Patterson

Australia Apologizes To Aborigines

Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd delivered a speech in Parliament in which he apologized to the country's indigenous people for past wrongs. What do you think?

Wound healed! Can't believe nobody thought of doing that for the past 230 years.


Doug Bernwood

Australia Apologizes To Aborigines

Sometimes you just need to believe in the power of words: cheap, cheap words.


Al Tiecher

Australia Apologizes To Aborigines

The question is, will this put an end to years of hostile, divisive debate, or will they all just continue drinking?


Ambrose Crofford

Romney Endorses McCain

Former Republican presidential contender Mitt Romney has endorsed John McCain for their party's nomination. What do you think?

Unfortunately for Romney, the biggest thing McCain is soft on is thank-yous.


Antionette Chulew

Romney Endorses McCain

It's kind of cute that Mitt Romney thinks that people in America are still paying attention to what he says.


Paul Irving

Romney Endorses McCain

There is nothing more admirable than a gracious loser. Ha-ha. Loser. Loser loser loser loser!


Roger Davidson

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

President Bush wants to keep a contested provision in his global AIDS package in which one-third of all prevention spending goes to abstinence education. What do you think?

How much was allocated to dry-humping and finger-banging education?


Amanda Troughton

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

This is fine as long as the other two-thirds is going towards funding cutting-edge abstinence research.


Duncan Pertwee

Bush: Keep Abstinence In AIDS Plan

Exactly how much money does it cost to tell people not to have sex with each other?


Pauline Walker

Hi-Def Format War Over

With Warner Brothers, Wal-Mart, Best Buy, and Netflix committing to Sony's Blu Ray discs, Toshiba announced that they are no longer manufacturing the rival HD-DVD. What do you think?

So you're saying all that time I spent watching HD-DVD movies was a waste?


Gideon Parfrey

Hi-Def Format War Over

In Best Buy stockrooms and Costco warehouses across the country, you can look back at the carnage left behind from the HD-DVD–Blu-Ray war and you have to ask yourself: Was it worth it?


Darren McCloskey

Hi-Def Format War Over

If you're telling me I need to buy my kids another copy of Night At The Museum, I'm putting a gun in my mouth.


Jason Madden

Kosovo Independence Rankles Nations

The news of Kosovo's secession from Serbia has been met with concern by countries such as China and Spain. What do you think?

If Kosovo becomes independent, Taiwan might follow and then China would only have 3.68 of its current 3.7 million square miles.


Terry Plumber

Kosovo Independence Rankles Nations

Though I know very little of their politics and current world view, I'm going to trust my sense memory of the word 'Kosovo' and assume this is bad.


Maxine De LaForcade

Kosovo Independence Rankles Nations

I just knew things would go to hell when they removed Milosevic from power.


Ann Pepperell

Teamsters Endorse Obama

The powerful Teamsters labor union endorsed Barack Obama. What do you think?

It's still not an official endorsement until he pumps his arm and gets one of them to blow their horn.


Barry Lyall

Teamsters Endorse Obama

I'm not sure what that really does for him aside from adding another tacky hat to his collection.


Steven Henley

Teamsters Endorse Obama

Well I was going to vote for him out of hope, but I suppose voting for him out of fear and intimidation is just as good.


Karl Ryssdal

Sharper Image's Dull Financial Prospects

High-end gadget retailer The Sharper Image filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What do you think?

Thankfully, if any company can weather this kind of storm, it's the one that sells $200 umbrellas.


Jenny Babbin

What am I supposed to spend my economic stimulus check on if not a vibrating recliner with cup holders?


Jack Dimsdale

Never in a million years did I think the American consumer would lose its hunger for expensive, useless products.


Chris Ricciardi

Pakistan Bans YouTube

The government of Pakistan has blocked access to YouTube over anti-Islamic clips posted on the video-sharing site. What do you think?

It's a shame that now the only place for Pakistan's amateur filmmakers to post their work is CNN.


Janelle Ashland

Pakistan Bans YouTube

Hopefully there will be a day in which little Pakistani boys and girls can come together with their Western counterparts and watch a video of a horny donkey trying to hump a guy taking a leak in its pasture.


Blake Barrie

Pakistan Bans YouTube

I'd expect this kind of fear-mongering behavior from Russia, China, America, France, England, Iran, Japan, Spain, Germany, Venezuela, and Israel. But not Pakistan.


Katla Mirk

Protestants Becoming Minorities

Since the 1980s, the percentage of Americans who identify themselves as Protestant has dropped from two-thirds to just 51 percent. What do you think?

Then I'm really proud of my law firm's commitment to diversity.


Bryan Goudiva

Protestants Becoming Minorities

And that 1 percent edge is all I need to be self-righteous and judgmental.


Sam Fischer

Protestants Becoming Minorities

That's because everyone started doing yoga and eating weird beans and stuff.


Barry Wydler

Gray Wolf Can Be Hunted Again

After nearly being driven to extinction 50 years ago, the gray wolf has been removed from the endangered list and can be hunted again. What do you think?

It was really stupid to almost drive them to extinction but not finish the job. Now they're sure to want revenge.


Mick Ellis

Gray Wolf Can Be Hunted Again

It's a proud moment in preservation when we can finally remove an animal from the endangered species list in order to drive it right back toward extinction.


Anita Bargeld

Gray Wolf Can Be Hunted Again

Well, I was just going to build a taller fence to protect my sheep, but if the government says I can shoot them, I guess I should.


Lacey Banks

Clinton Holds Economic Roundtable

As part of her campaign, Sen. Hillary Clinton held a public economic roundtable on Wednesday with experts and victims of our country's economic downturn in Zanesville, OH. What do you think?

I saw that roundtable. I couldn't believe the guy from Kansas picked the right suitcase!


Austin McGlynn

Clinton Holds Economic Roundtable

The only reason we vote is so we don't have to watch where the government gets its ideas.


Josh Levinson

Clinton Holds Economic Roundtable

Unfortunately, the discussion cost Ohio $37.2 million.


Kevin Slota

Highest Jailed Rate Ever

For the first time ever, one out of every 100 adults in the United States is in prison. What do you think?

My goodness, that means that two out of every 100 adults are failures as parents.


Quinn Parnow

Highest Jailed Rate Ever

This points out the need for alternative sentencing, like making convicts serve food to the nation's growing prison population.


Buck Jansen

Highest Jailed Rate Ever

I'm not sure if they're allowed newspapers, but I'll say it anyway: Hi to Cousin Dan, Uncle Orv, my stepsister Kelsee, and also Jeff, Tom, Billy, Nick, Cody, Kalim, the Serpent, and Lester Lee.


Bruce Jones

Biofuels Worse For The Environment

According to the journal Science, the use of biofuels does not offset the greenhouse gas emissions produced in their manufacture. What do you think?

Would it at least offset the amount of time I have to pretend to care about the environment?


Kirsten Simonon

Biofuels Worse For The Environment

Just once, why can't one of our poorly considered quick fixes work?


Will Trembeau

Biofuels Worse For The Environment

Then where do they suppose we should get this green power? From magic? From the very Sun?


Wendy Beauvoir

Sugar-Free Gum Linked To Diarrhea

Doctors in Berlin have found that sorbitol, the artificial sweetener found in many sugar-free gums, can lead to chronic diarrhea and considerable weight loss. What do you think?

I look and smell great, so what if I have a little diarrhea?


Wes Funa

Sugar-Free Gum Linked To Diarrhea

It also leads to a million friends asking for a stick of your gum. Jeez. If you want gum, bring it yourself!


Chris Smith

Sugar-Free Gum Linked To Diarrhea

Doesn't affect me. I was born a Hubba Bubba man, I'll die a Hubba Bubba man.


Tom Sutherland

Dungeons & Dragons Creator Dies

Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax died this week. What do you think?

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that thousands of Americans owe their fictional lives to that man.


Kyle Trampier

Dungeons & Dragons Creator Dies

I can react 12 different ways to this news, but I just don't know how to decide.