Gary Alexander

Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

It's just sick, really. I'm taking my family to the movie where the lady cock-teases that gorilla.


Sean Byrne

Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's controversial gay cowboy film, is generating Oscar buzz. What do you think?

I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to see a movie about love.


Hugh Webb

Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts

Under an agreement with Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, the poor in Massachusetts will receive cheap heating oil this winter. What do you think?

Stupid Venezuelans! Don't they know the stuff's valuable?


Brenda Kruse

Our government should accept it and then turn around and sell it at a huge profit. In your face, Venezuelan president! And the poor!


Hank Augustine

I think the poor should do the right thing and snub Chavez's offer.


Clive Teplitski

Alcohol Awareness Class

Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think?

Sure, I'm sober now, but I will never, ever be able to take back that disparaging Sigur Rós comment I put on my blog. Oh, time's remorseless arrow!


Robert Low

Alcohol Awareness Class

I thought that was what the occasional death of a fraternity pledge is for.


Kathy Pickett

Alcohol Awareness Class

You know, there's very little of this bullshit at my son's trade school.


Albert Wesker

Brangelina Expecting

Angelina Jolie is pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby. What do you think?

Apparently, the weak dollar has made it more cost-effective to produce certain things here than import them.


Claire Redfield

Brangelina Expecting

I believe that this miracle child will die for our sins, most likely during a taping of The Surreal Life 2034.


Leon Kennedy

Brangelina Expecting

Looks like Chris in accounting is 10 bucks poorer today. Pay up, sucker!


Chris Grace

Alito Confirmation Likely

Despite a contentious hearing, Samuel Alito appears to be on track to be nominated to replace Sandra Day O'Connor. What do you think?

I don't care who gets confirmed at this point. Just get Ted Kennedy off my fucking television.


Elna Baker

Alito Confirmation Likely

How can the Senate spend so much time on this nonsense? Don't they have awful laws to rubber-stamp?


Mauricio Bermidez

Alito Confirmation Likely

I'm not sure he'll be confirmed. The Senate asked him where he sees himself in five years, and his response showed very little initiative.


Diego Lasterna

Eminem Remarries Ex-Wife

Eminem, aka Marshal Mathers, remarried his ex-wife Kim, about whom he had written a song involving her murder and dismemberment. What do you think?

Rejoice! The poet doth rediscover his muse!


Marc Tracy

Eminem Remarries Ex-Wife

In my song, I told my wife to die. Okay, it wasn't strictly a 'song.'


Amanda Harding

Eminem Remarries Ex-Wife

I look forward to the return of Slim Shady's married rage. His 'bachelor' rhymes about microwave burritos and going to the laundromat were getting pretty stale.


Laura Sweeney

Latin America Leaning Left

With the election of Socialist pediatrician Michelle Bachelet in Chile, Latin America is leaning further to the left. What do you think?

Never gonna happen. United Fruit would never allow it.


Paul Sonne

Latin America Leaning Left

Why does the World Bank keep loaning them money if this is what they're going to do with it?


Ryan Moser

Latin America Leaning Left

Wow, they are leaning more left! A Hispanic president!


Patrick Gunn

Death With Dignity Upheld

The Supreme Court upheld Oregon's Death With Dignity Act, a law that enables Oregon doctors to help terminally ill patients die. What do you think?

These liberal judges are making it way too easy for people to die of an incurable disease.


Barbara O'Toole

Death With Dignity Upheld

Can't Congress hold an emergency session to address this?


Jack Turner

Death With Dignity Upheld

I'll only do it if my doctor is willing to uphold the strict terms of the murder-suicide pact.


Adam Peck

Second U.S. Mining Disaster

Two separate mining disasters in West Virginia have claimed 12 lives in the past month. What do you think?

My wife hasn't let me go down in my zinc hobby mine since this all started.


Melanie Bonanno

Second U.S. Mining Disaster

Maybe if we raised the fines from $16 to $22, the mining companies would really step up to the worker's-safety plate?


Joe Kunkel

Second U.S. Mining Disaster

If you have a better alternative fuel source to coal, I'd love to hear it.


Jennie Smith

Bush Pictured With Abramoff

According to a recent article in Time, scandal-tainted lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been pictured with President Bush on no fewer than six occasions. What do you think?

Especially incriminating is the 1970 photo of the two men sitting near one another at an anti-Vietnam rally.


Robert Cordell

Bush Pictured With Abramoff

Can you blame them? Who can resist buying the photographs that are taken when you're screaming your head off during roller-coaster rides?


Brett Wean

Bush Pictured With Abramoff

Those photos are no big deal; my understanding is that Bush also asked Abramoff for his autograph numerous times.


Jesse Robins

Conservatives Rule Canada

Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party ousted Liberal Party incumbent Paul Martin in general elections. What do you think?

If the Republicans win in '08, I guess I'll be moving to Mexico.


Roger Gastineau

Conservatives Rule Canada

As a Montrealer, I hope that our new prime minister relaxes the harsh mandatory English-French bilingualism requirements. En tant que Canadien, j'espère que notre nouveau premier ministre détend les conditions anglo-français obligatoires de bilinguisme.


Lauren Hale

Conservatives Rule Canada

Once again, those losers in Canada are years behind us. Hey, assholes, Ugg boots are out, just so you know.


Janelle Peterson

West Wing Canceled

NBC canceled its critically acclaimed show The West Wing after seven seasons. What do you think?

The Democrats are even out of fake power?


Kyle Baker

West Wing Canceled

That show went downhill when they introduced Sen. Cousin Oliver.


Danny Hellman

West Wing Canceled

I hope this doesn't put the Department of Veteran's Affairs spin-off at risk.


Jerry Ashworth

Google Refuses To Turn Over Records To Government

Internet search-engine giant Google is refusing to turn over their records to the Justice Department, raising major privacy concerns for Web users. What do you think?

The government has no business knowing that I keep forgetting my utility company's Web address.


Jeanette Coen

Those are some ballsy multi-billionaires.


Kevin Gander

Man, the government is gonna feel dumb when they see my search for 'the+government+sucks+dick.'


Matthew Christiansen

Hamas Victorious

Following Sharon's replacement and the recent political victory for Hamas, the future of the Middle East looks more uncertain than ever. What do you think?

I'm confident Hamas will embrace peace once it destroys Israel.


Caroline Beck

Hamas Victorious

Well, so much for my spring-break plans.


Uri Reed

Hamas Victorious

You heard it here first—I predict we are going to see many years of violence and unrest in the Middle East.


Heidi Wolf

State Of The Union

President Bush delivered his fifth State Of The Union address last night, promising affordable health care and criticizing Americans for being addicted to oil. What do you think?

I was glad to hear about the American Competitiveness Initiative, which will strengthen our children's future by doubling the nation's dodgeball budget.


Stuart Rossmiller

State Of The Union

They were brave to invite Iraq war vets like Rex the dog, especially given his anti-war stance.


Ken Thiele

State Of The Union

What's all this about alternative energy and encouraging creativity? I voted for an oil man, not Jimmy Carter!


Arnold Whitman

Army Extends 50,000 Soldiers' Tours of Duty In Iraq

The Army is forcing 50,000 soldiers into extended duty in Iraq. What do you think?

If these soldiers wanted out so bad, maybe they should have finished the job within two weeks like the president wanted.


Jay Katz

I instituted a stop-loss to keep my last girlfriend from leaving. It doesn't work.


Helen Guiteau

They've been pretty busy. I'm sure they'll appreciate the extra time to see some of the sights.


Camille Garcia

Polluting Nations Endorse Greenhouse-Gas Plan

Six of the nations that produce the highest volume of greenhouse gases have endorsed a voluntary plan that will reduce emissions 30 percent by 2050. What do you think?

I think this is all a ploy for those polluters to get a chance to meet Ed Begley Jr.


Steve Keane

Now that the big guns are taking some responsibility, I won't feel so bad dumping this chlorine out by the quarry.


Howard Finster

To do their part, India is eliminating its fuel-guzzling, dioxide-emitting elephants by 2010.


Wayne Montana

Danish Cartoons Offend European Muslims

A series of recent political cartoons, published initially in Denmark and reprinted by seven other European newspapers, has offended Muslims with its depictions of Muhammad, including one with a bomb for a turban. What do you think?

I don't get it. Is it funny because all Arab people smell bad?


Tammy Mulvenna

Danish Cartoons Offend European Muslims

I guess the blasphemous "Marmaduke"" comic where the irascible Great Dane refuses to get off Jesus' couch taught the world nothing."


Damon Locks

Danish Cartoons Offend European Muslims

Boy, Europe is really ahead of us. I still have to go into the bathroom of an Arby's here in order to see something that's offensive to Muslims.


Dave Riley

Most Fertile Irish Male Found

Irish scientists believe they have discovered the most fertile Irish male, a fifth-century warlord named Niall of the Nine Hostages with over 3 million offspring worldwide. What do you think?

These 'scientists' can get back to me after they get fucked up and down in a dirty bathroom stall by Colin Farrell. Try, say, 9 o'clock tonight.


Patty Boyle

Most Fertile Irish Male Found

Yeah, I knew him. Fletcher Murphy. Skinny oik. Punched me in the neck and impregnated my sister, but who hasn't?


D.M. Rolland

Most Fertile Irish Male Found

My wife and I share a fifth-century ancestor? Eeewww!


Jody Snyder

AOL To Charge For E-Mail

Yahoo and AOL want to begin charging companies one-fourth to one cent for preferential bulk e-mail delivery. What do you think?

This is going to drive small companies like info@jckibffydmh right out of business.


Will Shepard

AOL To Charge For E-Mail

Finally, I'll be able to trust that my inbox will be filled only with legitimate, paid spam.


Carl Ferraiolo

AOL To Charge For E-Mail

Would it be possible to make my family pay to send me inspirational-quote e-mails?


Paul Zagoras

Wal-Mart To Carry Morning-After Pill?

Women's groups are pressuring Wal-Mart to change their policy and start carrying the morning-after Pill. What do you think?

Wal-Mart has always sold emergency contraceptives. What do you think the paint aisle is for?


Mike Gerald

Wal-Mart To Carry Morning-After Pill?

Wal-Mart didn't carry the medication when I needed it, but in the interest of serving my needs, the pharmacist did refer to a very inspirational Bible passage.


Erica Tunnison

Wal-Mart To Carry Morning-After Pill?

It makes sense to me, because when I think about birth control, my first thought is definitely Wal-Mart customers.


Mary Elizabeth

Alabama Churches Burned

Since the beginning of February, nine Baptist churches have been burned to the ground in Alabama. What do you think?

Historical precedent puts the smart money on 1,200-year-old Vikings.


Frank Mansfield

Alabama Churches Burned

Baby boomers and their fucking nostalgia trips.


Jack Burke

Alabama Churches Burned

Maybe there's no motivation beyond wanting to see the pretty fire. I think we can all understand that.


Bob McDonald

Bush's Tax Cuts Permanent

Bush wants to make his tax cuts permanent, which would cost $1.4 trillion over 10 years. What do you think?

I don't give a fuck what programs he cuts, just so long as I don't need them right now. No new taxes!


Jim Decker

Bush's Tax Cuts Permanent

These tax cuts are necessary in order to stimulate the economy to the point where we can pay for the tax cuts. Why is that hard for you to understand?


Mary-Ann Rose

Bush's Tax Cuts Permanent

This could potentially leave a huge deficit for my children and grandchildren, which is perfect revenge for them not visiting me.


Matthew Fay

Cheney Shoots 78-Year-Old Man

This weekend, Vice President Cheney accidentally shot a 78-year-old companion on a hunting trip in Texas. What do you think?

I think it might be time to take a closer look at Dick Cheney's series of geriatric 'hunting accidents.'


Thomas Pasculli

Cheney Shoots 78-Year-Old Man

Being a compassionate conservative, Cheney immediately apologized and offered to snap the poor man's neck.


Laura Pearlstein

Cheney Shoots 78-Year-Old Man

It's nice to see that Cheney brings the same clear-headed approach to arms deployment in his personal life that he does in formulating foreign policy.


Cait Farrell

iPod Hearing Damage Lawsuit

A class-action lawsuit has been filed against Apple, claiming that iPods have the potential to cause hearing damage.  What do you think?

I don't know if it causes hearing damage, but the ability to listen discreetly to White Lion has done major damage to my musical taste.


Ryan Donnelson

iPod Hearing Damage Lawsuit

This is like when no one warned me my gas bill could skyrocket by turning up my thermostat all the way.


Andrew J. Friedenthal

iPod Hearing Damage Lawsuit

Doesn't matter. The only thing I use my ears for is to listen to my iPod.


Scott Ceresia

Report: Government's Katrina Response Was Flawed

A House report on the response to Hurricane Katrina faults every level of government for the disaster that eventually occurred. What do you think?

I thought the Department of Fuck-Ups handled the situation superbly.


Johnny McNee

Can we finally drop this? Politically appointed hacks have feelings too, you know?


Stephanie Dolan

I really hope county clerks feel the sting of their actions.


Erin Van Dam

British Soldiers Videotaped Brutalizing Iraqi Teens

The assault on four Iraqi teenagers by members of the British military, as well as the cameraman's mocking commentary, has enraged people throughout the Middle East. What do you think?

This is the worst thing to entertain the British since The Benny Hill Show.


Joseph Izzo

These long deployments have kept them separated from the Irish for too long.


Sergei Pulinko

So let me get this straight: You're telling me that something has enraged people throughout the Middle East?


Charlie Edwards

Batman vs. Bin Laden

Frank Miller and DC Comics announced that they would be publishing a graphic novel in which Batman hunts down Osama bin Laden. What do you think?

Did Katrina teach us nothing? We need Batman here, at home.


Jane Baker

Batman vs. Bin Laden

A cartoon targeting the Muslim world. I bet that'll go over great.


Maury Frontega

Batman vs. Bin Laden

Superheroes taking on real-life enemies doesn't always work, if you recall the Incredible Hulk vs. Pol Pot crossover.


Anna Sjogren

UN To U.S.: Close Gitmo

The UN should stick to doing what it does best: providing a second career for celebrities who are dead inside.


David Hyde

UN To U.S.: Close Gitmo

And risk not getting the valuable information when a prisoner cracks in his eighth year of incarceration? Forget it.


Jonathan Kroft

UN To U.S.: Close Gitmo

The UN? I didn't know those guys were still around!


Julia Saraidaridis

Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports

Many are voicing concern over Bush's recent approval of a deal allowing a company based in the United Arab Emirates, who had ties to the Sept. 11 hijackers, to monitor security of select U.S. ports. What do you think?

Why not? Some of those al-Qaeda people have probably done much more research on our ports than anybody else.


Blake Greenberg

Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports

Great. We'll be the laughingstock of the Muslim world once they get word of how many tons of flax we import each year.


P.R. Williams

Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports

I think that we should have a little faith in these people. I mean, they were gracious enough to take Michael Jackson off our hands.


Adam Kleinschmidt

$1.6 Billion On White House PR

According to the Government Accountability Office, the Bush Administration spent $1.6 billion in public relations and advertising in the past 30 months. What do you think?

Did they run anything during the Super Bowl? If not, that seems out of line.


Kate Lyon

$1.6 Billion On White House PR

I'd say the ads were successful. George Bush has become a household name.


Terry Rowe

$1.6 Billion On White House PR

I didn't realize it cost so much to make oneself look like an apocalyptic nightmare.


Don Conka

Study: Low-Fat Diet Doesn't Lower Heart Disease

The findings of a new study show that low-fat diets do not reduce risk of cancer or heart disease. What do you think?

Yes! Personal accountability takes another blow!


Megan Whittington

I've never heard of the Hardee's Institute For Health, but they've put out a very convincing study here.


Bryan MacLean

What did it say about smoking? Was there anything in there about smoking? Can we start smoking again?


Marnie Wolfe

Disgraced Radio Shack CEO Forced To Step Down

David Edmondson, CEO of Radio Shack, resigned when it was revealed that he had falsified his résumé. What do you think?

I always knew the person that paired Teri Hatcher and Howie Long had to be an uneducated miscreant.


George Albert

What a coincidence! I also falsified my résumé to get a job at Radio Shack. What mall did he work at?


Frank Atelier

I think he should be forced to take a Tandy lie-detector test.


Sara Hamilton

Stealth Bomber Being Retired

The revolutionary $45 million nearly radar-invisible F-117A Nighthawk, better known as the Stealth Bomber, is being phased out of existence by the military by 2007. What do you think?

I, for one, think the Conspicuous Bomber is a terrible idea for a replacement.


Antonio Giancarlo

Stealth Bomber Being Retired

Retiring at the age of 20? Damn, I wish I were an aeronautical killing machine.


Tom Dickie

Stealth Bomber Being Retired

So this is the thanks it gets after all these years of razing villages for the Pentagon?


Jonathan Harford

South Dakota Abortion Ban

South Dakota is poised to enact an abortion ban that would include cases of rape or incest. What do you think?

This shouldn't have much effect on the lives of South Dakotans. Based on the population figures, it's clear that they are terrible reproducers.


Ellie Kemper

South Dakota Abortion Ban

Who knew a move to North Dakota would ever look like an attractive option?


Dave T. Koenig

South Dakota Abortion Ban

Slow down, South Dakota. Alito and Roberts were given lifetime appointments. What's the rush?


Greg O'Neill

Google Losing Steam

Google recently suffered a 13% percent drop in stock price, the sharpest drop in the history of the company. What do you think?

I foresaw the company's imminent collapse when I searched for 'Dakota Fanning nude' and only got 673 hits.


Bob Nouveau

Google Losing Steam

Maybe if they didn't spend all their money revamping the logo for every obscure holiday, they wouldn't be in this mess.


Kate Carolan

Google Losing Steam

This surely proves what I've been saying all along about the Internet being a passing fad.


Melissa Okey

Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor

The Sex Pistols are refusing to play at the ceremony during which they will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What do you think?

Well then who the hell is going to hit me in the face with a bass guitar and spit on me? I paid over two grand for this ticket!


Michael King

Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor

I should hope not. Steve Jones is scheduled to be my bridge partner that night.


Brandon Burkhart

Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor

Refusing to attend a black-tie gala is the new Anarchy.


Wally Cox

Bush Knew About Katrina

In spite of his assertions to the contrary, reports say that Bush was informed of the worst-case scenario surrounding Hurricane Katrina, and was even videotaped being briefed. What do you think?

That video was taken way out of context. If you step back and view it as just another mistake made by the administration, it's not that bad at all.


Heather North

Bush Knew About Katrina

All this proves is he attended the meeting. There's absolutely no evidence to suggest that he was actually listening.


Alan Hewitt

Bush Knew About Katrina

Well, he cared enough to sit through an entire boring meeting about it.


Grant Hayes

Japanese Cars On Top

Every automobile in Consumer Reports' list of the top 10 cars in the U.S. is Japanese-made. What do you think?

As a GM employee, I'm stunned. I thought all the hard work and long hours I put in badmouthing the Japanese would have some effect.


Mavis Brown

Japanese Cars On Top

Hey, Hiroshima, Consumer Reports—you win some, you lose some.


Eric Hessler

Japanese Cars On Top

I got my 1980s county-fair Jap-car-smashing sledgehammer out of storage. Just point me to the right parking lot.


Sara Dunne

Army Recruitment On Campus

The Supreme Court ruled that universities must allow military recruiters on campus if they are going to accept federal money. What do you think?

So…exactly how much do you have to endow for permission to raise an army?


Drew Alexander

Army Recruitment On Campus

I thought I was being recruited once at my frat, but it turns out that Party Patrol is not one of our nation's armed forces.


Chase Foy

Army Recruitment On Campus

Finally, an actual career path for 17th-Century French Lit majors.


Ian Connelly

Five Percent Of U.S. Workers Are Illegal Aliens

A recent study shows that 5 percent of all workers in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. What do you think?

I yearn for the day when 100 percent of all workers are illegal immigrants and we as a nation can devote all our time to bitching about them.


Ben Schwartz

Five percent seems like a lot, but when you consider that they're responsible for 100 percent of the work that actually gets done, the problem is much worse.


Heather Mitchell

Ha! You should check out the factory I own! It's gotta be like 30 percent, maybe 35 percent!


James Threadman

Bald Eagles Thriving

A recent survey indicated that bald eagles would soon be taken off the endangered-species list. What do you think?

Damn it! Every time I memorize the endangered-species list, some bureaucrat changes it.


Paul Abramowicz

Bald Eagles Thriving

There goes any hope I had of my basement full of bald eagles appreciating in value.


Karenne Eng

Bald Eagles Thriving

And with that, trout go back onto the endangered-species list.


Kevin Underwood

Meth Puts Strain On ERs

A recent survey of hospitals indicated that methamphetamine is responsible for more drug-related emergency-room admissions than any other illicit drug. What do you think?

It wasn't the meth that put me in the ER, man. It was trying to wrestle that horse.


Cindy Reynolds

Meth Puts Strain On ERs

Meth's a bigger problem than weed, coke, and heroin? No wonder popular music sucks now.


Gene Thomas

Meth Puts Strain On ERs

We should just train all the pharmaceutical reps mulling around the hospital lobby in basic lifesaving measures.


Marco Argiro

Slobodan Milosevic Dead

Former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic died in prison before a verdict in his four-year trial for genocide and war crimes could be rendered. What do you think?

Justice is finally done…or will be done after we kill him tens of thousands more times.


Jessica Blanch

Slobodan Milosevic Dead

It's too bad. I had the funniest story to tell at his trial.


Phillip Gabriel

Slobodan Milosevic Dead

I won't be shedding any tears. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for ethnic cleansing, I was just born without tear ducts.


Trina Fallow

Ambien Increasingly Blamed for Auto Accidents

According to police reports nationwide, the popular prescription sleep aid Ambien is being cited in increasing numbers of traffic tickets and accident reports. What do you think?

All right, no more Ambien while driving. Can I still watch porn on my car's DVD player?


Andy Gately

I have this recurring dream where I get pulled over and perform very badly on the field sobriety tests. And when I wake up, my license is gone.


Brett Vaughn

First it's no throwing lit firecrackers at other motorists. Now it's no driving while asleep. The safety Nazis are taking all the fun out of getting behind the wheel.


Kevin O'Rourke

Feingold Calls For Bush Censure

Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) is calling for a censure of the president for illegal wiretapping. What do you think?

This is a cheap stunt designed to discredit an executive order that, only by pure coincidence, happens to be illegal.


Jeremy Hardgrove

Feingold Calls For Bush Censure

No big deal. Now, when the House actually starts listening to a senator from Wisconsin, then you have problems.


Alison Underwood

Feingold Calls For Bush Censure

This political move is like when I call my parents when I know no one will answer just so I can say I called.


Kadina Alanis

Terrorist Hero Of New Film

V For Vendetta, a film produced by the Wachowski brothers in which the hero is a terrorist who blows up the British Parliament building, opens today. What do you think?

I haven't felt this conflicted over who to root for since Freddy vs. Jason.


Frank Blanco

Terrorist Hero Of New Film

All the political stuff aside, I'm going to see it because Natalie Portman's bald. Finally!


Marco Ragozzino

Terrorist Hero Of New Film

That's it. I'm burning my Matrix DVDs. Well, at least the third one. And the second.


Jason Lange

Bush Pressed To Change Staff

President Bush has been under pressure from both parties to reinvigorate his office by bringing in new, more experienced staff members. What do you think?

Bush doesn't need to hire new people, he just needs to give them new nicknames.


Loran Clay

Bush Pressed To Change Staff

I guess I'm not the only one getting pretty bored with Alphonso Jackson as secretary of housing and urban development.


Andy Garcera

Bush Pressed To Change Staff

I thought Bush had run out of friends to appoint.


Stephen Grossman

South Park vs. Scientology

Following the departure of Isaac Hayes last week, Comedy Central pulled an episode of South Park that lampooned Tom Cruise and Scientology. What do you think?

Leave the Scientologists alone, already. Don't they have enough to worry about, what with the tyranny of the galactic God Xenu and his evil body thetans?


Brianna Hodges

South Park vs. Scientology

Comedy Central has already insulted Scientology with its glib representations of battling robots.


Jeremy Marshka

South Park vs. Scientology

I'm with Isaac Hayes. Shows about testicles, talking feces, and starving Africans are one thing, but discussing Scientology is offensive.


Kaelin Goulet

NBC Universal Buying iVillage

Media giant NBC Universal recently paid $600 million for iVillage, an Internet company catering to women. What do you think?

And all this time I assumed NBC didn't care about my need to lose weight.


Philip Korf

NBC Universal Buying iVillage

I run a website NBC might be interested in buying. It also appeals to women. Who like other women. And cake batter. In unorthodox places.


Kevin Patrick

NBC Universal Buying iVillage

So iVillage will be owned by NBC Universal, which is owned by GE… I'm totally in the lead on 'the six corporate conglomerate degrees of Thomas Edison.'


Ryan Ridge

U.S. House Hardly Working

To date, the House of Representatives has worked less than 25 days this year. What do you think?

Maybe they're still working off the overtime accrued from the Schiavo emergency session.


Joe Chandler

U.S. House Hardly Working

I thought Wal-Mart's Tuesday/Thursday greeter looked awfully like U.S. Rep. Mike Conaway.


Alleen Barber

U.S. House Hardly Working

Take a classic masterpiece like the Anti-Injunction Act of 1793, and compare it to the monstrosity that is the current Postal Service Act Amendment Bill of 2005. See? You can't rush good drafting.


Holly Page

Reactors Contaminate Groundwater

Two nuclear reactors, Indian Point near New York and the Braidwood facility near Chicago, have released radioactive tritium into the groundwater. What do you think?

Aren't scientists excited to discover new species? Well, here's their chance!


Scott Duddy

Reactors Contaminate Groundwater

I think we're all thinking the same thing: How will the nuclear power companies cope with this setback?


Nate McConarty

Reactors Contaminate Groundwater

It's a lot of nothing. A leak was found at a facility in my area last year and my conjoined quadruplets turned out just fine.


Michael Lopez

Microsoft Vista Delayed

Microsoft Vista, the first major overhaul of the Windows operating system in five years, has been delayed until the beginning of next year. What do you think?

This is going to severely impact my timetable for creating Vista-based viruses.


Bridget McCormick

Microsoft Vista Delayed

I'm not affected in the least. My TRS-80 Color Computer fills all my rudimentary document creation and Dungeons Of Daggorath needs.


Keith Lane

Microsoft Vista Delayed

Don't worry, Mr. Gates. If your stock tanks because of this, we can totally sleep head-to-foot in my trundle bed.


Jeff Hinzmann

Scholarships Going To Whites

Colleges are now considering white students for fellowships and scholarships that were previously available only to minorities. What do you think?

It seems that being born black or Hispanic will only get you so far these days.


Jessica Hernandez

Scholarships Going To Whites

Thank God I can finally go to the bursar's office without wasting a freaking hour applying blackface.


Todd Owen

Scholarships Going To Whites

Finally, a level playing field for the white man.


Brenda Giessman

Chief Of Staff Resigns

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card resigned yesterday. What do you think?

Without a chief of staff, who will hand out checks on Friday?


John Nichols

Chief Of Staff Resigns

Maybe he'd still have a job if he'd just kept Sept. 11 to himself.


Bill Goffrier

Chief Of Staff Resigns

And with this latest resignation, Bush is officially left with merely an inner semicircle.


Rob Brockman

33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill

33 participants were injured Sunday in an evacuation drill of the new Airbus super-jumbo jet. What do you think?

I'm sure panicking, untrained passengers will fare much better.


Cynthia Feldman

33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill

I blame the 'Last one out is a rotten egg!' instructions.


Ken Alioto

33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill

I hope the victims got a bonus go on the slide.


Sandy Frank

Graceland Designated A National Landmark

Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley, was recently designated a National Historic Landmark by the U.S. Department of Interior. What do you think?

Hopefully this will put the kibosh once and for all on efforts to open up Elvis' swimming pool for oil drilling.


Joe Toplyn

This is a slap in the face to all the heroic Americans who died at home with their pants on.


Steve O'Donnell

Certainly this can only help my cause to install a permanent Little Richard butter sculpture in the National Mall.


Rick Simms

Abramoff Gets 70 Months

Corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in prison for his role in defrauding Indian tribes, tax evasion, and conspiracy to bribe public officials. What do you think?

I'd be psyched to have Abramoff as my cellmate. Imagine the gifts you'd get.


Danielle Evans

Abramoff Gets 70 Months

I guess we can expect to see a lot more brown-bag egg-salad sandwiches and Lunchables in Congress.


Todd Cole

Abramoff Gets 70 Months

Why are you asking me?! I don't know the guy! Never met him!


David Grubbs

Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you think?

She's getting a little long in the tooth for this modeling business. Seems to me she's just trying to make a graceful transition to roller derby.


Jan Fine

Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

I, for one, will never be able to look at her half-naked body the same way again.


Sooyoung Park

Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

Can't we let her go one more time? She's only got two or three more good years left on her.


Amanda Marcotte

Tom DeLay Resigns

Amidst mounting accusations and criminal charges of ethics violations, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced yesterday that he is resigning from his post. What do you think?

What does this man have to look forward to? Some multimillion-dollar consulting position at a mega-corporation? I hope he's on suicide watch.


Moulitsas Zíniga

Tom DeLay Resigns

I don't know how Democrats will fail to capitalize on this GOP debacle, but I'm sure they'll find a way.


John Amato

Tom DeLay Resigns

Termites, rodents, and ants beware: Your 20-year free pass is over.


Darby Conley

Moussaoui May Be Executed

A federal jury reached the verdict that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 20th Sept. 11 hijacker, is eligible for the death penalty. What do you think?

Yes! Finally we have somebody to blame for the deaths of thousands and thousands of people. Thank God he wasn't on one of those planes.


Patrick McDonnell

Moussaoui May Be Executed

We have to be careful not to turn him into a martyr—or a bionic killing machine. Actually, between the two, we should probably go with martyr.


Lynn Johnston

Moussaoui May Be Executed

Can we put him in a little remote-control plane and crash him into a Vegas casino for demolition? Because that would be some awesome television.


Natasha Nicholls

First Brazilian In Space

Lt. Col. Marcos Pontes, the first Brazilian astronaut, is due to return from his brief mission tomorrow. What do you think?

I'm all for a Brazilian being sent into space, but that spacesuit left little to the imagination.


Harold Ledin

First Brazilian In Space

I understand this is part of their greater plan to have a lunar favela by 2028.


Darrick Unger

First Brazilian In Space

I wonder how they decided who got to escape Brazil.


Debra Halverson

First 9/11 Film Coming

United 93, a film about the hijacked United flight that crashed in a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11, 2001, will make its debut at the Tribeca Film Festival on April 25th. What do you think?

My husband was on that plane—he actually called me crying from that plane. How dare they make me relive his cowardice?


Charles Starr

First 9/11 Film Coming

It's called United 93? That's some pretty egregious product placement.


Andy McLaglen

First 9/11 Film Coming

This film will be a touching tribute to the media exploitation of Sept. 11.


Sam Farber

Couric Leaving Today

Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show to host CBS Evening News. What do you think?

Only Katie can get Bill Frist to divulge that confidential pasta-salad recipe.


Mary Swadirski

Couric Leaving Today

I'm sorry, but she doesn't have the same air of credibility as a Murrow, a Rather, or a Shalit.


John Galvin

Couric Leaving Today

Until this news, I was a big morning-TV viewer, but now I'll need something else to keep me occupied, like a job.


Naomi Harris

NY Post Extortion Scandal

The New York Post's "Page Six"" gossip column is under investigation for shaking down Manhattan socialites for positive coverage. What do you think?"

That story about Paris Hilton giving money to the battered women's shelter did sound a little fishy.


Brian Warner

NY Post Extortion Scandal

It seems unwise to shake down the only people who care about what they read in Page Six.


Liam Calloway

NY Post Extortion Scandal

You can't put a price on avoiding the damage done by carrying a winter 2005 Kate Spade handbag in the early spring of 2006.


Sarrith King

Plans To Nuke Iran

According to an article by Seymour Hersh in this issue of The New Yorker, the U.S. has drawn up plans to preemptively attack Iran to stop their nuclear program, including possibly using tactical nuclear weapons. What do you think?

On the other hand, the New Tehranian exposed the truth about how great a family man President Ahmadinejad really is.


Phil Anderson

Plans To Nuke Iran

I don't know if a plan to use nuclear weapons to destroy a nuclear program will be approved by the contentious UN Irony Council.


Lynette Cobb

Plans To Nuke Iran

At least we won't need an exit strategy.


Anita Lopez

Gospel Of Judas Found

A 1,700-year-old papyrus document called the Gospel of Judas indicates that the apostle Judas betrayed Jesus to the Romans at his request. What do you think?

For 30 pieces of silver, a papyrus document can say whatever you want it to say.


Rick Fender

Gospel Of Judas Found

First Mary Magdalene's not a whore, and now this. I'm sick of changing my entire belief system every time they find a scrap of papyrus in the middle of the desert.


Allen Dennison

Gospel Of Judas Found

Heresy! Heresy! Heresy! Don't interrupt me, I'm on a roll here. Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah… Heresy!


Mary Keller

New Healthier Pigs

Scientists have cloned pigs that are engineered to contain omega-3 fatty acids, which produce healthier pork. What do you think?

Can't they put some of that omega stuff in cigarettes?


Chet Bannister

New Healthier Pigs


Benjamin Klein

New Healthier Pigs

I'll only be interested when they finally make pig-human hybrids. I could marry one and say, 'Woman! Make me some bacon!' Then she'd dutifully harvest my succulent breakfast.


Louis Neprud

Christian Student Sues For Right To Hate Speech

Ruth Malhotra, a student at the Georgia Institute of Technology, sued the institution over her right to speak freely against homosexuality in accordance with her religion. What do you think?

If we don't protect freedom of speech, how will we know who the assholes are?


Denise Franklin

It would have been more appropriate for this student to sue the college for not putting money into research for a cure.


Ray Andresen

Free speech, no matter how vitriolic, is a God-given right—which is exactly why only Christians should be allowed to speak freely.


Danielle Bennet

Rumsfeld Under Attack

Donald Rumsfeld is under pressure to resign, first by a cadre of retired generals, now by Senior Democrats for his handling of the war. What do you think?

As a daycare provider, I sympathize with Rumsfeld. 2,500 kids die on your watch and suddenly you're not qualified to do your job?


Mitch Gunnar

Rumsfeld Under Attack

Strange thing is, internal records say he was fired three years ago.


Jacob Oakley

Rumsfeld Under Attack

It's unfair. You don't go to war with the Secretary of Defense you want, you go to war the Secretary of Defense you have.


Nick DiMatteis

Former Illinois Governor Found Guilty Of Fraud

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan was found guilty of racketeering and fraud for steering big money contracts to friends, family and cronies. What do you think?

Whoop-dee-doo. When Howard Dean was governor of Vermont he would help friends and relatives hand-dig secret graves out by the Montpelier Race Track.


Josh Galloway

Since he abolished the death penalty, he should've committed a capital crime too, just as a final 'fuck you' to the state.


Vicki Umbehaun

It's a sad day in this country when an Illinois politician can't get away with a little racketeering and fraud anymore.


Veronica Miller

TomKitten's Silent Birth

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri was born Tuesday under Scientology's strict "silent birth"" guidelines. What do you think?"

I read that the only sound allowed in the delivery room was the Cocktail soundtrack, on constant loop.


Josh McCulloch

TomKitten's Silent Birth

This 'silent birth' will seem like nothing compared to the 'silent post-partum depression' she'll go through for the next 10 months.


Ashleigh McKinney

TomKitten's Silent Birth

That's great that the baby wasn't psychologically scarred. Now what about those of us who endured the press coverage?


Rachel Galland

Many More Chernobyl Victims?

A new Greenpeace report argues that 10 times as many people died from the Chernobyl disaster than official estimates claimed at the time. What do you think?

Is Greenpeace counting the two-headed people twice? Because that's not fair.


Geoff Martinez

Many More Chernobyl Victims?

'Chernobyl' is such an ugly word. Can't we call it something pleasant, like 'Love Canal'?


Ishmael Roland

Many More Chernobyl Victims?

Once again, Greenpeace: Thanks for brightening my day.


Dan Kinicki

Bush Promotes Hydrogen As Alternative Fuel Source

President Bush gave an Earth Day address in California reaffirming his commitment to hydrogen as the alternative fuel of the future. What do you think?

I don't know much about hydrogen, but if you can soak a rag in it or just sniff it straight from the can, I'm all for it.


Jackie Kennedy

If Bush is trying to save the environment, we must be in worse shape than I thought.


Scott Haalstrom

He knows we're talking about cars and not bombs, right?


Got Wild

Harvard Author Caught Plagiarizing

Harvard sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan, who was paid the largest advance for an unpublished author, admitted to having "unintentionally"" borrowed passages from author Megan McCafferty for her book How Opal Mehta Got Kissed

It's sad when a negative stereotype is reinforced by incidents like these, but I've always said: Indians are dirty plagiarizers.


Harvard Author Caught Plagiarizing

This just goes to show there are many things a Harvard education can't teach you, like how to use a thesaurus to cover up your plagiarism.


Harvard Author Caught Plagiarizing

A Million Little Pieces was one thing, but this is outrageous. I expect teen fiction to be completely original.


Blain Deutsch

Gitmo Prisoner Names Released

The U.S government released the first list of detainees at the Guantanamo Bay prison last week, the most extensive accounting yet of the hundreds of people being held there. What do you think?

With typical arrogance, the Pentagon didn't bother to inform the public who was sexiest.


George Shear

Gitmo Prisoner Names Released

How embarrassing for them. I remember when Gigi Greenwood released that list of all the sophomore girls who had made out with Greg Curtis. I thought my life was over.


Megan Ballard

Gitmo Prisoner Names Released

At least now I know that my dear uncle Muhammed al-Qahtani is safe—kind of.


Brooke Gladwell

Mexican Immigrants Call For A Day of Action

May 1st will be the next "Day of Action"" in which Latino activists will take to the streets to protest restrictive policies against Mexican immigrants. What do you think?"

I see what they are trying to do. A day off on May 1st, then the Cinco de Mayo—before you know it, we're looking at a 5 day weekend.


James Munson

At least their employers won't have to pay them benefits for that day.


John Smith

Pienso que el tema de la inmigración es absolutamente compleja. ¿Mi nombre? Juan-no. John. John Smith. Disculpeme. Debo irme.


Aaron Coen

Bush's New Press Secretary

Fox News anchor Tony Snow was just named the new White House Press Secretary. What do you think?

To make this career-change work, Tony Snow will have to completely reinvent his cufflinks.


Jenny Isaacson

Bush's New Press Secretary

Now that Fox News and the Bush administration have taken their relationship out of the shadows, it's given me the courage to tell the world about my sister and me.


Chris Hofstra

Bush's New Press Secretary

It's like I've been saying—what this country needs is regime change, from the Press Secretary's office on down.


Paul Washington

Diamond Dave Axed Again

David Lee Roth was fired from his spot as a replacement morning-radio personality for Howard Stern after less than three months. What do you think?

I'm sorry this didn't work out, but I'm looking forward to when Ronnie James Dio takes over for Paul Harvey.


Gina Freedman

Diamond Dave Axed Again

I'm glad to see him go. I used to call in three times a morning with a request for 'Brown-Eyed Girl.' Never once did he play it. Not once.


Alex Frye

Diamond Dave Axed Again

Apparently Roth exaggerated his ability to guess a woman's bra size on sight.


Sam Wilson

Midwest Mumps Epidemic

The number of mumps cases has grown to more than 1,100 across eight Midwestern states in the largest outbreak in nearly two decades. What do you think?

Finally. God has seen fit to punish Midwesterners for their depraved, decadent 'lifestyle.'


Becky Anderson

Midwest Mumps Epidemic

Because of the swollen glands, we should also see a spike in Godfather impressions.


Vlad Paretski

Midwest Mumps Epidemic

Every time a deadly disease affects people in the Midwest, you hear about it in the news. It's like New York and Los Angeles don't even exist.


Kyle Lieberman

SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

South Carolina is reviewing a bill that would ban the sale of sex toys, joining such states as Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Texas. What do you think?

I guess it's just a matter of time before cucumbers and carrots are sold behind the produce counter.


Derek Philbrick

SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

I'm no conservative, but I fear that with our increasing dependence on technology, Americans will lose the skills required to masturbate manually.


Jill Kanaus

SC Sex Toy Ban Proposed

Look, either leave us sex toys or sodomy. You can't prohibit both.


Brian Kirkpatrick

FDA Still Against Medical Pot

Despite mounting evidence to support it, the FDA has reaffirmed its stance against the use of medical marijuana. What do you think?

Instead of wasting time on political moves like this, the FDA should get back to doing what it does best; approving new boner pills.


Kay Helms

FDA Still Against Medical Pot

This is the slippery slope, man! First they outlaw medical marijuana, and the next thing you know, it's only a matter of time before they make ALL pot illegal.


Sam Greenland

FDA Still Against Medical Pot

It's not like the FDA left cancer patients out to dry. They can still smoke cigarettes.


Kevin Thompson

Al-Jazeera In English?

Al-Jazeera, the Arab news station, is preparing to launch an international English-language version of their channel. What do you think?

Arabic media are just a mouthpiece for Big Falafel.


Katherine Yablon

Al-Jazeera In English?

And just the other day I was wondering where I was going to go for some fluff pieces about goat care!


Bill Higgins

Al-Jazeera In English?

Thinly veiled government propaganda disguised as news would never fly in America.


Gary Halverson

British: UFOs Aren't Real

A recently declassified British Ministry of Defence report says that UFOs can be explained as natural, though bizarre, phenomena. What do you think?

This causes me to doubt everything I learned from a variety of Twilight Zone rip-offs.


Jodi Haber

British: UFOs Aren't Real

If there's no such thing as aliens, then how do you explain my mother-in-law? Haha! Please, rescue me from my marriage.


Rick Previon

British: UFOs Aren't Real

So they infiltrated the British Ministry of Defence. Right on schedule.


Kathy Hollngs

Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab

After a 3:00 AM car accident in downtown Washington, DC, representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) returned to a rehab clinic in Minnesota for treatment. What do you think?

I blame his rehab clinic's cafeteria for making the most addictive waffles on the planet. I've relapsed six times hoping to get another taste.


Wilhelm Greene

Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab

With his upbringing, I'm shocked he's not a better drunk-driver.


David Berger

Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab

My Dad used to say it's not summer until a Kennedy drives on the sidewalk. Well, he's out planting his garden now.


Vippin Vasavada

Iran's President Offers Advice

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President Bush an 18-page letter of suggestions for resolving current international issues. What do you think?

It's very presumptuous. We don't hear from Iran since 1979 and now we're supposed to drop everything and read an 18-page letter?


Floyd Lawton

Iran's President Offers Advice

Between his willingness to proffer helpful advice and his well-groomed beard, Ahmadinejad is fast becoming the Bob Vila of nuclear standoffs.


Bridget Mulley

Iran's President Offers Advice

How quaint–nobody writes letters anymore. It is nice to see a real gentleman in charge of Iran's nuclear weapons development program.


Mindy Davis

Drug Tested On Children

A recently uncovered study revealed that pharmaceutical giant Pfizer tested an unapproved meningitis drug on children in Nigeria without their knowledge. What do you think?

Right. Like an American drug company would give away free prescription drugs.


Darren Morton

Drug Tested On Children

Trovan might not have been approved for use on American children, but it was never disapproved for use on Nigerian children.


Keith Haas

Drug Tested On Children


Kate Thornton

U.S. Infant-Mortality High

In a survey of 33 industrialized nations, the United States was shown to have the second-worst infant-mortality rate. What do you think?

Hey, don't put this at my feet. I stopped shaking my babies months ago.


Alan Kincaid

U.S. Infant-Mortality High

Fucking unpatriotic dead babies making the United States look bad.


Kevin Kolski

U.S. Infant-Mortality High


Caitlin Halloran

CIA Nominee Violated Privacy

Michael Hayden, Bush's nominee to head the CIA, has recently been implicated in the NSA's controversial collection of private phone records. What do you think?

Hayden went too far when he asked me what I thought of Goss, not telling me that he had Goss on the other line on mute.


Brian McGee

CIA Nominee Violated Privacy

He's going to face some tough questions from the board before they confirm him.


Bill Ketcham

CIA Nominee Violated Privacy

I think it's a natural transition for him to get into spying internationally. Clearly, he's got the domestic thing down.


Ellie Jurgenson

Troops To Darfur

The United Nations is being called on to send peacekeeping forces to keep peace and prevent the genocide in Darfur. What do you think?

Seems like a clear-cut case of favoritism to me. Isn't Kofi Annan from some place in Africa, too?


Kevin Macon

Troops To Darfur

Tough to see this glass as half-full but, with all the strife on that continent, another "Live Aid"" is a real possibility."


Bran Jefferson

Troops To Darfur

I will lose all respect for the Sudanese refugees if they fail to ask tough questions about the food-for-oil scandal before accepting aid.


Michael Daloway

Libya To Help U.S.Spread Democracy

Libya says it will work with the United States to spread democracy. What do you think?

If we really want Libya to help spread democracy, we'd better give them their weapons back.


Randy Schwartz

Libya To Help U.S.Spread Democracy

Libya might seem like an unlikely partner, but, given our current international standing, every partner is an unlikely partner.


Sara Flume

Libya To Help U.S.Spread Democracy

The same thing happened with my boyfriend and me, sort of. As soon as I agreed to give up my virginity, he agreed to remove me from his personal list of state-sponsors of terrorism.


Seymour McLeesh

Da Vinci Code Released

The release of The Da Vinci Code, the long-awaited film adaptation of the bestselling novel, is being met with controversy. What do you think?

This movie is going to be huge. It's got the three elements of every blockbuster: Fine art, obscure religious references, and Audrey Tautou.


Matt Medsker

Da Vinci Code Released

I've been waiting my whole life to hear, 'Oh, no, Jesus ditn't!' shouted in a movie theater. Perhaps now that dream may come true.


Larry Brun

Da Vinci Code Released

Yet another film with an evil albino. I put it to you, Hollywood: When are you going to give me a positive albino role model?


Alec Greunman

NSA Spying On Journalists

According to ABC, a confidential source says the NSA has been tapping journalists' phones to root out confidential sources. What do you think?

Doesn't the NSA have other ways of getting to the subscribers-only content?


Rachel Simms

NSA Spying On Journalists

In these times of heightened security, we must let the government uncover all they can about Heloise's secret for skinless pudding.


Jesse Oswald

NSA Spying On Journalists

If the NSA really wants to listen to Eric Alterman drone on, I say we let them.


Jorge Previn

Italian Troops Out Of Iraq

Newly elected Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi said that the invasion of Iraq was a "grave error"" and will propose withdrawing Italian troops. What do you think?"

Fuck! Now I have to throw out my Italian wine, too?


Sue Maines

Italian Troops Out Of Iraq

I just hope they don't close that charming Iraqi-Italian place in Fallujah where Mahmoud and I first fell in love.


Andre Wilson

Italian Troops Out Of Iraq

But who's gonna get all hot-blooded when the Iraqis insult our troops' honor?


Amie Mondale

Beloved's Controversial Award

Some members of America's literary community are up in arms, claiming Toni Morrison's Beloved was named the best American novel of the past 25 years out of political correctness. What do you think?

Beloved?! Over that, uh… one classic book? And what about that other one? Past 25 years, you said?


Andrew Blevins

Beloved's Controversial Award

Blah, blah, blah. When do we vote for best kebabs?


Syd Green

Beloved's Controversial Award

Beloved is just another example of angry minorities trying to do away with the canon by generating moving works of literary genius.


Richard Banker

Columbine Video Game Stirs Controversy

A controversial web videogame, Super Columbine Massacre RPG, allows players to act as the shooters in the Columbine High School slayings of 1999. What do you think?

Good. I think that town has healed enough.


Lloyd Karlin

Columbine Video Game Stirs Controversy

The game is disgusting. Cheesy 2-D graphics, bland topography, and no multi-player capability. What kind of animal would design such a thing?


Jessica Vebber

Columbine Video Game Stirs Controversy

Anyone know how to get to the cafeteria? I'm still stuck on the library level.


Frank Schwarz

.xxx Rejected

ICANN, the U.S.-based corporation that assigns Internet domain names, rejected the designation ".xxx"" earlier this month under pressure from conservative American lawmakers. What do you think?"

I'm glad they rejected it. It's not specific enough. What we need are designations like .asian or .shaved so we can really get what we're after.


Jerry Henderson

.xxx Rejected

This will only hinder the online advertising for my cartoon jugs of hillbilly moonshine.


Heather Donnely

.xxx Rejected

If you can tell me a three-letter combination out there that isn't sexually suggestive, I'd love to hear it.


Jerry Ortez

U.S. Proposes European Missile Defense System

The United States is proposing developing a missile defense shield for Europe to protect it against a potential threat from Iran. What do you think?

Now Europe can be free to depict Muhammad however they want.


Shawn Klatz

The only way this won't work is if the computer is forced to play tic-tac-toe against itself.


Lane Fordham

Defense shields never work. I installed an alarm system for my home and an Iranian missile still broke in and stole my VCR.


Todd Grubman

School Monitors Student Blogs

A school district in Illinois is going to monitor students' blogs and MySpace profiles for "illegal and inappropriate behavior."" What do you think?"

Yay! Now they definitely won't have enough time to monitor the boiler-room and under the gymnasium bleachers.


Lisa Hruska

School Monitors Student Blogs

Oh, so if I cruise MySpace looking for information on children, I'm a pervert, but if a school district does it, they're being responsible.


Holden Rasche

School Monitors Student Blogs

Finally we can move on to the next item on the district's agenda: The spectacular lack of learning going on in the classroom.


Bath Karminski

Bush Seals Seized Records

President Bush recently ordered records seized by the FBI from Rep. William Jefferson's office sealed from investigators for 45 days. What do you think?

It's good to see that Republicans and Democrats in Congress can agree that it's important to cover your ass.


Dave Wood

Bush Seals Seized Records

Now this investigation can proceed without being tainted by evidence.


Miles Holden

Bush Seals Seized Records

Hey, I'm an investigator, and that's a 45-day vacation I'm willing to take.


Jackie Sherman

M.I.A. Denied Visa

British rapper M.I.A. was denied a visa to the U.S., purportedly for her support of the Sri Lankan terrorist organization the Tamil Tigers. What do you think?

Hear, hear! In America, we believe that rap music should only be used to convey non-violent messages about getting parties started in the correct fashion.


Scott Riess

M.I.A. Denied Visa

I want her to come to America, but only so I can make her look me in the eye and tell me why she would embolden our enemies with controversial lyrics like 'blaze a blaze, galang a lang a lang a lang.'


Seth Lalley

M.I.A. Denied Visa

She supports terrorists? Well, I know one artist whose music I will not be illegally downloading.


Annette Rogers

Avoiding The Anti-Christ

A pregnant woman in England is trying to get her hospital to induce labor so the baby will not be born on 6/6/06. What do you think?

Why didn't this woman do the responsible thing and get an abortion?


Dick Harris

Avoiding The Anti-Christ

Yeah, like it's that easy to trick Satan.


Liam O'Donnell

Avoiding The Anti-Christ

I went through the same thing when I feared my baby would be born a Leo.


Mark Jameson

DHS Cuts New York Defense

The City of New York is up in arms after its Homeland-Security budget was slashed nearly in half. What do you think?

It's about time we shifted that money to protect cities like Omaha, where the world's largest ball of stamps sits completely unsecured.


Gina Baird

DHS Cuts New York Defense

I'm sick of New Yorkers bragging about all their fancy targets. Take one look at Mackinac Island's fudge-shop row and tell me that wouldn't give a terrorist a few ideas.


Ted Gillespie

DHS Cuts New York Defense

The news coincides perfectly with the release of my guidebook Protecting New York On $10 A Day.


Will Bailey

New Batwoman: Lesbian

DC Comics is re-introducing the character Batwoman, only this time as a lesbian. What do you think?


Liam Pierce

New Batwoman: Lesbian

I applaud DC Comics for taking the bold step of introducing a voluptuous, beautiful, girl-kissing superheroine. I only hope DC's legion of chronic masturbators will accept her.


Betty Anderson

New Batwoman: Lesbian


Cheryll Weidenbach

Canada Terror Plot

Canadian law enforcement arrested 17 Muslim men this weekend who allegedly tried to acquire three tons of ammonium nitrate and bomb-making components. What do you think?

Apparently they wanted to blow up a city that, on screen, passes really well for New York.


Frank Jennings

Canada Terror Plot

See, when folks aren't all consumed by how they're going to pay for their operations and stuff, they start getting notions about blowing up landmarks.


Will Foley

Canada Terror Plot

I was shocked to hear on the news programme that some of these men were living in the centre of my neighbourhood, about 20 metres from my favourite theatre.


Patrick Walsh

Gay-Marriage Amendment

The US Senate voted yesterday on a proposed Constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. What do you think?

Hopefully this will put to rest the gays' filthy desire to file joint tax returns once and for all.


David Cherney

Gay-Marriage Amendment

A ban on gay marriage is a good first step, but it's time to get serious about a complete ban on the institution.


Ariel Kenner

Gay-Marriage Amendment

I won't rest until we declare heterosexuality the official sexuality of the United States.


Amy Ketchum

Military Funeral Protests Banned

President Bush signed a bill that bans protests at military funerals. What do you think?

That's unfair. It's impossible to hold a protest nowadays without being in the vicinity of a military funeral.


Jeff Benway

Military Funeral Protests Banned

Is there any way that bill can be expanded to protect postal workers' funerals? My dad's was a fiasco.


Aaron Oxfeld

Military Funeral Protests Banned

I hope that doesn't extend to actors who have played military figures, because I've got quite the spectacle planned for Sylvester Stallone's final sendoff.


Ben Rzyczec

Al-Zarqawi Dead

Jordanian terrorist Abu Musab al Zarqawi, alleged leader of the Iraqi insurgency, was killed in a U.S. airstrike Wednesday. What do you think?

Ha! I pity the thousands upon thousands of people who will readily take his place.


Heather Greene

Al-Zarqawi Dead

We created him—it's only fair we got rid of him.


Robert Holloway

Al-Zarqawi Dead

This is a big fish. See, when you kill a big fish, you remove the most advantageous genetics, so the next generation is smaller and weaker. And fish are militant ideologues with a cache of weapons. So the metaphor is very apt.


Doodles McKennan

Hotels.com Information Stolen

A laptop containing sensitive information about Hotels.com customers was recently stolen from an Ernst and Young employee's car. What do you think?

Great, now everyone at work will know about my thing for amenities.


Tina Garland

Hotels.com Information Stolen

Dogs, toddlers, laptops with credit-card information—this list of things not to leave locked in a car on a hot day just keeps getting longer and longer.


Chris Benning

Hotels.com Information Stolen

Forget the confidential client information. Have you ever seen so much Rick Astley on a single iTunes collection?


Charles Marr

AIDS Turns 25

HIV/AIDS was first described in the medical journal Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report 25 years ago this month. What do you think?

Now that we've put down the stereotype of the 'gay man's disease,' we can focus on making fun of diseases that are truly gay, like reflux.


Camille Guerrero

AIDS Turns 25

Happy birthday, AIDS! You¹ve grown so much in 25 years!


Eddie Stark

AIDS Turns 25

In retrospect, we can see how optimistic those early reports were. I mean, who could have seen Rent coming?


Jerome McNamara

No Charges For Rove

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald informed Karl Rove that he will not face charges over his role in the outing of a CIA agent Valerie Plame. What do you think?

It's a shame. Rove had written a very moving, eloquent pardon for the president to sign.


Kyle Modjeski

No Charges For Rove

So, leaking a CIA agent's name is legal now? Ha, ha! Sucks to be you, Middle East counter-terrorism operative Marlon Taylor!


Alice Verne

No Charges For Rove

Finally, Karl Rove can get back to work. The White House Brita really needs a new filter, and the lawn hasn't been mowed in God knows how long.


Lulu Quisling

National Meat Surplus

Pork profits are substantially lower than last year because of a massive meat surplus. What do you think?

I have just the tonic for a stagnant market in pork—product placement. The new Charlotte's Web movie is coming out this Christmas. Problem solved!


Herb LaFayette

National Meat Surplus

Buy low, sell high. This is the investment opportunity of a lifetime!


Chuck Gimmino

National Meat Surplus

I don't want to hear any more about this. I'm already eating as much bacon as I possibly can.


Alex Martinelli

Gates To Leave Microsoft

Bill Gates announced that he will be giving up his duties in the day-to-day operations of Microsoft in 2008. What do you think?

This will certainly give him more time to tighten his tyrannical monopoly on philanthropy.


Diane Wheedon

Gates To Leave Microsoft

It was only a matter of time before the head of Microsoft crashed.


Rob Bernstein

Gates To Leave Microsoft

Now maybe he can finally buy one of those new black Dual-Core MacBooks without everyone crawling up his ass.


Alex Billings

Whaling Ban Nearly Killed

Led by strong opposition from Japan, the body that governs commercial whaling came close to overturning the 20-year-old ban on the practice. What do you think?

The need to whale is maybe the only part of Japan's weird, demented culture that I come close to understanding.


Laura Feinstein

Whaling Ban Nearly Killed

Has anyone been monitoring the whales' songs? Has there been any change in them since this story broke?


Ed Cambers

Whaling Ban Nearly Killed

It would serve those whales right for guzzling up half our krill.


Sasha Rhodes

Adult-Proof Ringtone

Some teens are reportedly using a ringtone so high-pitched that most adults cannot hear it. What do you think?

This should go great with my son's text messages, which are too small for me to read.


Jerry Garver

Adult-Proof Ringtone

What would really drive adults nuts is if they invented a silent ring option, like vibrate.


Nate Steadman

Adult-Proof Ringtone

With this new technology, I worry that today's girls are losing critical note-passing skills.


Dan Klein

Pentagon: Gay Equals Crazy

Recently released documents reveal that the Pentagon considers homosexuality to be a mental disorder, decades after mainstream psychology dismissed that idea. What do you think?

Even though I'm gay, I'm not going to criticize this claim until I at least hear what kind of drugs I might now be able to get if I enlist.


Eric March

Pentagon: Gay Equals Crazy

Wow, I didn't realize that when the plane hit the Pentagon it had blasted it back in time 50 years.


Cassie Corcoran

Pentagon: Gay Equals Crazy

And here I'd always thought homosexuality was the devil's work.


Graham Kincaid

Death Penalty For Hussein?

Chief prosecutor Jaafar al-Moussawi called for the death penalty for Saddam Hussein for crimes against humanity during attacks on Shiite civilians in the 1980s. What do you think?

This is unfair. The man made an honest mistake: he simply thought, when he killed all those people, that he would never have to face the consequences.


Thomas Dawes

Death Penalty For Hussein?

I'd just hate for this to be one of those cases where, years later, DNA evidence surfaces linking the mass murder to some other dictator.


Alleen Parker

Death Penalty For Hussein?

All this death-penalty speculation is premature. We haven't even heard Saddam's closing arguments yet.


Carlos MacDonald

Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide

New ads produced by the US-based Competitive Enterprise Institute defend carbon dioxide emissions as a byproduct essential to our way of life. What do you think?

I don't know if I'd say dry ice is essential to heavy metal shows but, yeah, it's important.


Sarah Mallory

Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide

I am sick of all of my favorite pollutants getting a bad rap. Please don't let carbon dioxide go the way of cyanide, sulfuric acid, and galvanic sludge.


Jonah Jacobson

Ads Defend Carbon Dioxide

Lying in advertising. Is there anything these people won't do?


Ben Billings

UN Taking Guns?

The NRA is telling its members that the United Nations wants to take guns from American citizens on July 4th. What do you think?

Has the NRA been paying attention at all? The UN can't make anybody do anything.


Catherine Weygandt

UN Taking Guns?

The NRA is just trying to rile up its members—you know, inject a little enthusiasm into an otherwise placid and contemplative group of people.


Tim Benson

UN Taking Guns?

If the UN has a better way to keep my neighbor's dog off my lawn, I'd love to hear it.


Alexandra Ledoux

Coffee Counteracts Alcohol

A study published by the Archives of Internal Medicine demonstrates that drinking coffee can offset the detrimental effects of alcohol on the liver. What do you think?

Who needs coffee when you have a family full of sober organ-donors?


Jason Zellar

Coffee Counteracts Alcohol

Why all the hubbub? Isn't the liver just a useless old organ at the end of the intestines? Oh, that's the appendix. Can coffee offset the effects of alcohol on the appendix?


Christopher Martin

Coffee Counteracts Alcohol

Typical scientists, always giving us useless, abstract information. Where's the chart showing the proper cappuccino-to-Jaeger ratio?


Chuck Bolton

Amnesty International Report Blasts United States, China

A new Amnesty International Report condemns China and the U.S. for turning a blind eye to global poverty and genocide. What do you think?

Think globally, act locally. That's how I ended hunger in my gated community.


Randy Krauss

Global poverty and genocide are facts of life. We must focus on things we can actually accomplish—like discrediting Amnesty International.


Neneh Williams

Sorry, but I'm afraid I can't devote my attention to this cause until an attention-hungry celebrity poses naked for it.


Haitham Azeed

Global Warming Irreversible

According to the journal Science, the human influence on the Earth's climate will be irreversible within the next 100 years. What do you think?

Global warming, asteroids, earthquakes—I can only think of the effects of one disaster-movie at a time.


John Finney

Global Warming Irreversible

I'm sick of all the whiners crying about global warming. If you've got a problem with how this planet is run, why don't you go someplace else and see how you like it there?


Barbara Coleman

Global Warming Irreversible


Carl Walton

Hypoallergenic Cats

An American biotechnology will soon sell a specially engineered breed of cats that will not trigger a reaction in allergy sufferers. What do you think?

Great. Now I have to get my girlfriend pregnant if I want to have an excuse for why we can't get a cat.


Steve Licher

Hypoallergenic Cats

Unfortunately, this breed's chief source of nutrition is ragweed.


Aileen Burton

Hypoallergenic Cats

Can I still shave this type of cat in the summertime? Because that's the only time when being a cat-owner gets interesting.


Justin Culver

North Korea Keeps Nukes

North Korea recently rejected a UN resolution demanding the cessation of its nuclear weapons program. What do you think?

Meanwhile, Turkey gave the Czech ambassador a lovely tie. But who ever reports the positive news?


Ginnie Klein

North Korea Keeps Nukes

It's a shame. Talks had been going so well.


Stephen Babcock

North Korea Keeps Nukes

Well, at least this will give Japan the opportunity to rebuild with even newer, more progressive architectural designs.


Mindy Wilmington

Boston's Big-Dig Fiasco

Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney took over an inspection of the Big Dig, Boston's recently completed multi-billion-dollar tunnel highway system, after a collapsed ceiling panel killed a driver. What do you think?

Listen, when the government spends $14 billion on anything, you are going to have to accept that an innocent person will die under a concrete slab.


Adam Conklin

Boston's Big-Dig Fiasco

That's what they get for building it on the site of the ancient Indian burial tunnels.


Brian Laskin

Boston's Big-Dig Fiasco

How come when I spend day after day in a tunnel it's 'loitering and trespassing,' but when the governor of Massachusetts does it, it's an 'investigation'?


Joe Varick

CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

CBS will be laser-etching 35 million eggs to be sold in stores to promote its fall lineup. What do you think?

Makes perfect sense. Eggs, CBS, and lasers. It's what we in the marketing biz call 'synergy'.


Ron Toppper

CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

It's still going to be hard to beat the 3,000,000 head of cattle NBC branded with their logo.


Kelly Stanton

CBS Laser-Etches Eggs

So, not having my food shot with lasers is no longer a choice I get to make?


Susan Faden

Stem-Cell Science Vetoed

President Bush executed his first veto since entering office on a bill supporting stem-cell research. What do you think?

Maybe Bush would pass the bill if, instead of research, the stem cells would be used for torture.


Ray Kiley

Stem-Cell Science Vetoed

If God wanted to cure or treat diseases affecting 100 million people, he would've put a sane person in the Oval Office.


Mitchell Goldberg

Stem-Cell Science Vetoed

To Bush's credit, the ailing and enfeebled can't vote, let alone fund a Republican campaign.


Chris Lowe

Voting Rights Act Extended

On Thursday, the U.S. Senate approved a 25-year extension of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, which protected the voting rights of African Americans. What do you think?

OK, 25 more years, but it's over after that, right?


Bobbie Dawn

Voting Rights Act Extended

I understand that two Senators from Idaho and Wyoming abstained–a fact that's sure to cost them several dozen votes in this fall's election.


Alex Kline

Voting Rights Act Extended

Are you telling me this issue was actually up for debate? Who are these people running my country and what color are they?


Sydney Freck

Orlando Murder Rate Up

Orlando, Florida, home to Walt Disney World, is on track in 2006 to have the most murders in 24 years. What do you think?

And that's not counting the murders families commit on the road trip there.


Molly Green

Orlando Murder Rate Up

Disney will have no trouble turning this tale of slaughter and moral decay into a positive. Didn't you see Pocahontas?


Paul Goldstein

Orlando Murder Rate Up

That's not a huge surprise. Have you seen Epcot lately? That place has really gone to hell since adding Rwanda to the World Showcase.


Yvonne Breen

Nuclear Waste Accumulating

Thousands of tons of spent nuclear fuel is building up at three power plants because the government¹s failure to open a promised storage facility in Nevada. What do you think?

Surely there are faster, less costly ways to turn Nevada into a barren wasteland of radioactive decay.


Peter Wexler

Nuclear Waste Accumulating

It's like my mom always said: 'A place for everything and everything in its place.' Of course, I never had more than one or two rods of nuclear waste lying around in my room.


Ron Breslin

Nuclear Waste Accumulating

Whoever put Troma in charge of federal hazardous-waste management is an idiot.


Ian McDonaugh

Israel Requests NATO Help

Israel surprised the international community by requesting that NATO troops be sent in to patrol the Lebanon–Israel border. What do you think?

So long as no one clues in the newbie members like Estonia and Latvia that there's a NATO Do-Not-Call List, this should be doable.


Steve Mott

Israel Requests NATO Help

Didn't Condoleezza Rice just fly all the way to Lebanon? And the problem is still not solved?


Silvia Jones

Israel Requests NATO Help

Well, we have to pull those troops out of Sudan immediately. You always help the least-brown people first, that's just how it works.


Julia Harrison

Mass Transit Use Increases

Predictably, rising gas prices have led to an increase in mass-transit use. What do you think?

Mass transit is a perfect solution. The thought of wasting money on gas disgusts me, and the thought of walking anywhere downright terrifies me.


Joe Varick

Mass Transit Use Increases

On the bright side, the additional people on the subways gives me a whole new variety of potential stab victims.


Erik Doe

Mass Transit Use Increases

I miss being alone in my car. You should see the looks I get when I toss my empty McDonald's wrappers in the row behind me, sing along loudly to my music, and flip people off.


Dan Klessig

Chicago Mandates Living Wage

The Chicago City Council passed an ordinance last week declaring that "big box"" stores like Target and Best Buy had to pay a living wage of  $10 per hour. What do you think?"

Where does it end, Chicago? Huh?! A decent education? A protected citizenry? Health care? Where does it end, you mad city?!


Rebecca Sanders

Chicago Mandates Living Wage

I'm all for people making a living wage, but if I end up having to pay more than $1.99 for a gallon of mayonnaise, I'm going to be pissed.


Terry Hegel

Chicago Mandates Living Wage

I'm just relieved that, as a small-business owner, I am still within the law to treat my workers like shit.


Henry Gaven

Universal Health Care For San Francisco

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors recently passed a measure to make free health care available to all of the city's uninsured. What do you think?

First they make a mockery of my bitter, loveless marriage, now they make a mockery of my restrictive overpriced health care. Is nothing sacred to these monsters?


Lexie Martin

Universal Health Care For San Francisco

Wow, free health care. And all you have to do is live within the bounds of the city with the third highest cost of living in the country.


James Palmer

Universal Health Care For San Francisco

I'm fine with this as long as there's an opt-out provision for people who prefer to be sick.


Leah Davis

Cuban Leadership Passed To Castro's Brother

Cuban leader Fidel Castro, 80, will for the first time temporarily hand over power to his brother, Raul, while he recovers from gastrointestinal surgery. What do you think?

I'm used to the human rights violations, but I had hoped Castro was above nepotism.


Matt Ruben

Funny how this 'surgery' happens to coincide with the finals of America's Got Talent. I'm just saying, keep an eye out for a 6'4" bearded man whose talent is smoking 8 cigars at the same time."


Julio Cruz

So I swam all the way over to America to avoid persecution just for the guy to die 16 years later? Nuts!


Ryan Lalley

Nation Faces Record Heat

A devastating heat wave that began in the Southwest is moving through the Midwest and East, racking up record-breaking, triple-digit temperatures. What do you think?

As a radio DJ, I couldn't be happier. 'Heat Wave,' 'Summer In the City,' 'Fire'—they just don't make 'em like that anymore.


Justin Henson

Nation Faces Record Heat

I'm tired of this shameless viral marketing for An Inconvenient Truth. The movie premiered in May. Enough already!


Lisa Jennings

Nation Faces Record Heat

The nice thing about a heat wave is that everybody's trying to stay cool indoors and you can go to the bathroom pretty much wherever you want outside.


Nancy Smith

Drunken Gibson Offends Cops

After being pulled over, actor Mel Gibson went on a drunken tirade in which he blamed the Jews for being the cause of all the wars and referred to a female officer as "Sugar Tits."" What do you think?"

I'm grateful to him. During my DWI arrest a couple years ago, I didn't have the guts to tell the truth about Israel.


Ving Daives

Drunken Gibson Offends Cops

In typical fashion, the media is trying to sensationalize this relatively tame incident. You name me one person in your workplace who hasn't called someone Sugar Tits.


Andrei Todman

Drunken Gibson Offends Cops

See the lesson here? Never let a Jew get you drunk.


Darby Kreil

Bush Designates USA Today "Small Business"

The Bush administration designated several large companies, including media giants USA Today and the Associated Press, as small businesses, thus inflating the administration's record for helping small companies. What do you think?

There¹s no artificial inflation here. USA Today and the Associated Press really are the two smallest companies left in America.


Kaliel Roberts

Clearly, it was unwise to allow White House aid Gorlok The Gargantuan to differentiate small and big businesses, for, to Gorlok, all is puny!


Thomas Brun

Big deal. So Bush fudged some facts in order to make him look good. It's not like anybody died, um, this time.


Spike Schafer

Minimum Wage Hike Blocked

Senate Democrats blocked a bill last week that would raise the minimum wage, but would also cut the estate tax on multi-million-dollar estates. What do you think?

I don't think I'm alone when I say that all the multi-millionaire janitors out there are going to throw a shitfit.


Betty Killman

Minimum Wage Hike Blocked

What's with these Democrats? Last week they blocked a bill that would've provided universal healthcare provided you had your forehead tattooed with a bar code.


Jones Liota

Minimum Wage Hike Blocked

As a life-long conservative, this bill has made me understand that sacrifices must be made if we are to preserve the obscene mechanisms of patronage and entitlement that made this country great.


Vicki Shields

Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits

Congressman Bob Ney, who is under investigation for his dealings with lobbyist Jack Abramoff, has abandoned his campaign for reelection. What do you think?

The Bob Ney I know is a man of integrity. The Bob Ney I know is a man of honor. The Bob Ney I know is a doctor in Sarasota, Florida.


Bob Partenheimer

Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits

Ney is only backing out because he wants to spend more time with his family—all of whom he bills at $700 an hour.


Andy Bernstein

Ohio Candidate Calls It Quits

Can you blame him? Being a congressman isn't nearly as lucrative since this whole corruption crackdown.


Alex Wilson

Lieberman Defeated in Primary

Challenger Ned Lamont narrowly defeated conservative incumbent Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Democratic primary. What do you think?

I am happy to hear that Lieberman has decided to stay in the race as an independent. Sometimes voters are just being coy and don't really mean what they say.


Billy Vorlander

Lieberman Defeated in Primary

Hooray! Ned Lamont won! My vote finally counted! Now, who is Ned Lamont?


Leslie Waechter

Lieberman Defeated in Primary

Luckily, Lieberman can take comfort in the strong, able arms of George W. Bush. His gentle embrace will give solace, his warm lips succor. Lieberman will not suffer this grief alone.


Bettie Ledderer

New Terror Plot Stopped

The country's aviation system is on high orange alert after officials broke up an al Qaeda plot to set off homemade bombs on flights from London to the U.S. What do you think?

It's a sad day for humanity when promising young men choose to turn household items into bombs rather than drugs.


Dennis Cornelius

New Terror Plot Stopped

I think we all owe the British authorities a huge 'thank you' for preventing the shooting of countless terrible movies five years from now.


Gene Reiss

New Terror Plot Stopped

These men may have been misguided, but it's not like there's a right way to commemorate the anniversary of September 11th.


Jerry Archer

Texas Penguin Truck Accident

Last week, a truck carrying exotic fish, penguins, and an octopus overturned on a Texas highway, spilling its cargo. What do you think?

My heart goes out to the grieving survivor, who must now march all the way back to Indianapolis to bear sad news and try to console the mother penguin.


Randall Szlotsky

Texas Penguin Truck Accident

Man, we were just one nuclear-waste truck shy of a radioactive octopenguin.


Jan Shapiro

Texas Penguin Truck Accident

Has anyone optioned it yet? It's the sequel to both Madagascar and Cars in one tragedy.


Dale Kenner

Pluto Not A Planet?

Scientists from around the world are convening this week to decide whether or not Pluto fits the definition of a planet. What do you think?

On the bright side, that's five fewer minutes I have to spend helping my son on his solar-system mobile.


Brenda Dobbs

Pluto Not A Planet?

I just hope I'm not around when the news finally hits Pluto in 4,000 light years.


Dan Praeger

Pluto Not A Planet?

That's cool. I hear Seyfert II has an opening.


including typewriters

Unabomber's Possessions To Be Auctioned Off

Possessions of Theodore "The Unabomber"" Kaczynski seized by FBI agents

are to be put up for auction by court order. What do you think?"

It's too bad that they're not auctioning off the actual bomb-making materials. Nothing quite says 'Unabomber' like his bomb-making materials.


If I could get a Ted Kaczynski hammer to go with my Eric Rudolph chisel, that part of the toolbox would be totally covered.


Isn't this Internet auction exactly the type of thing he warned us about in his manifesto?


Zach Pufall

Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries

In the largest consumer-electronics recall in history, Dell has been forced to call back more than 4 million laptop batteries because of possible fire danger. What do you think?

That's too bad. My Dell laptop's constant overheating was the only thing I could rely on it for.


Casey Hamer

Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries

Recalls are such hassles—the packaging, the shipping, the waiting. Frankly, I'd rather save the time and just let my house burn down.


Carolle Fields

Dell Recalls 4 Million Batteries

Can I have mine shipped straight to the Bangalore call center? Because I'd like 'Jim' to take a shot turning it off and on for awhile.


Alyssa Kornbluth

Snakes On A Plane

Snakes On A Plane, the highly anticipated Samuel L. Jackson vehicle featuring snakes on a passenger aircraft, is opening today. What do you think?


Darrell Stibbe

Snakes On A Plane

This is just great. I'm sure the terrorists had never even thought of bringing snakes on plane—until now. Way to go, Jackson.


Adam Simmonds

Snakes On A Plane

What, just normal, average, run-of-the-mill venomous snakes on a regular commercial jet? There's no gimmick?


Jake Banker

JonBenet Suspect Confesses

A former teacher has been arrested in Thailand for the murder of JonBenet Ramsey. What do you think?

And just in the nick of time. The public was almost ready to move on to another tragedy.


Troy Canzona

JonBenet Suspect Confesses

Was JonBenet the one who shot Joey Buttafucco because he cut off the penis of Tonya Harding's husband, OJ Simpson?


Jessica Kinzler

JonBenet Suspect Confesses

An accused murdering sex-offender goes into hiding, and no one thinks to check out Thailand?


Lloyd Greer

Court Rules Against Warrantless Wiretapping

A federal judge in Detroit ordered a halt to warrantless wiretapping. What do you think?

Great—now we're going to have out-of-work surveillance experts flooding the job market. There go my chances at Radio Shack.


Mary Bedford

Damn activist judges. Who are they to check the powers of another branch of government?


Michael Nostrand

What about the presidential right to the element of surprise? Isn't that guaranteed by the Constitution?


Stephanie Greunwald

Child-Porn Lite

The New York Times has uncovered more than 200 websites featuring sexually suggestive—but clothed—pictures of children that skirt child-pornography laws. What do you think?

I'm not convinced that these pictures are authentic. Until I'm assured by experts that these children are being exploited, I will not be able to appreciate it.


Hugo Perez

Child-Porn Lite

Anyone who thinks you have to go to the Internet to see suggestive children¹s clothing hasn¹t been to a department store lately.


Kevin Stensland

Child-Porn Lite

So apparently my naked toddler on the beach is fine, but when I cover her up with some discreet pasties, suddenly it¹s dirty?


Ron Napier

Missile Numbers Reclassified

The United States is reclassifying the count and locations of its Cold War nuclear missiles, information which has been in the public domain for decades. What do you think?

Until they classify the movie War Games there will be a map of all US missile-installation sites available on cable every four hours.


Jerome Bahn

Missile Numbers Reclassified

Nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake—in this case, telling the truth to an informed public. But it's not too late to correct that mistake.


Rachel Shapiro

Missile Numbers Reclassified

We have to protect our missiles. What means do they have to defend themselves?


Gina Helms

Human Evolution Gene Discovered

Scientists have discovered the gene that causes human brains to evolve beyond those of chimps. What do you think?

I heard that, coincidentally, it's also the same gene that diminishes interest in bananas to a reasonable level.


Harry Benson

Human Evolution Gene Discovered

Excuse me, but I think you mean: 'God allowed scientists to discover the gene that God made specifically for humans and not chimps.''


Lloyd Farber

Human Evolution Gene Discovered

Ah, I always suspected that we humans had a slight edge.


Raymond Steif

Camaro Coming Back

General Motors announced that, after a five-year absence, the Camaro will be re-introduced in 2009. What do you think?

It's so cute that GM thinks it'll still be in business in 2009.


Dale Seblonka

Camaro Coming Back

Do you know if they're also planning on re-introducing that loose cheerleader from high school, Christina Morrel? Having a Camaro just wouldn't be the same without her.


Rebecca Wincapaw

Camaro Coming Back

They stopped making the Camaro five years ago? Looks like I have a new theory about why the terrorists attacked.


Don Weisczech

Survivor To Be Segregated

The new season of Survivor will feature four racially-segregated teams this year. What do you think?

This is an affront to a civilized society. I mean, another damn season of Survivor?


Piper Hanes

Survivor To Be Segregated

What a predictable season. Obviously the whites will win. Specifically, Les Moonves and Mark Burnett.


Ed Strayhearn

Survivor To Be Segregated

I'm offended by this, but I still plan on watching the show. Unless, of course, one of the contestants is fat.


Harris: Non-Christian Politicians 'Legislate Sin'

Congresswoman Katherine Harris (R-FL) recently stated that separation of church and state was "a lie

and that non-Christian elected officials would ""legislate sin."" What do you think?"

She wasn't saying that Christians are the only people fit to make laws—just that they're the only people, period.


As a sin lobbyist, I have to say that Harris is making it very difficult for sinner interests and the sin platform.


What kind of lie is 'separation of church and state?' A 'the check is in the mail' kind of lie, or a 'the world was created in seven days and dinosaurs never existed' kind of lie?


Blain Gunsrud

Vatican Against 'Ethical' Stem Cells

A new technique of harvesting stem cells without destroying the embryos is coming under fire from the Vatican as unethical. What do you think?

I expect this kind of knee-jerk moral grandstanding from Bush, but the Vatican?


Ivan Andresen

Vatican Against 'Ethical' Stem Cells

I wish, time and time again, that the Vatican were not composed of the foremost scientists on embryonic research in the world. This makes it very difficult for anyone to argue a case against them, and we are repeatedly left at an impasse.


Kelly Miller

Vatican Against 'Ethical' Stem Cells

It serves those scientists right for trying to slip under the Vatican's ethical radar with these disease-eradicating, life-saving experiments.


Janelle Draper

Nebraska State Trooper In Klan

An arbitrator for the state of Nebraska ruled that a state trooper could not be fired for belonging to the Ku Klux Klan. What do you think?

I'm actually fairly impressed with this man. It has to be hard, time-consuming work to be part of two bigoted, fear-mongering groups simultaneously.


Jerry Patrone

Nebraska State Trooper In Klan

Would you rather he vented his racism at unsuspecting motorists on the highway, or in the safe confines of a KKK meeting?


Neil Gruber

Nebraska State Trooper In Klan

The last time I checked, no one was forcing blacks or Jews to drive through Nebraska. So what exactly is the issue?


Blain Powell

Video Games To Have Ads

EA Games, makers of the popular Madden football-video-game franchise, just signed a deal with Microsoft's ad-placement arm to incorporate real-time spots in their titles. What do you think?

It was only a matter of time before playing sports video-games sucked in all the same ways as being at the event or watching it on TV.


Karen Thiede

Video Games To Have Ads

Well, of course advertisers are welcome to make offers, but they should know my virtual athletes' endorsements don't come cheap.


Fletcher Dowling

Video Games To Have Ads

Finally, a game that can simulate the thrill of watching televised-sporting-event ads.


Mike Sanders

Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44

Steve Irwin, star of Discovery Channel's The Crocodile Hunter, was killed by a stingray while filming in Australia. What do you think?

Shocking! Who knew a single stingray could take down a cable channel 10 times its size?


Janelle Silvers

Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44

Man, talk about stinging the heart that pumps the blood to the hand that feeds you.


Thomas Wright

Crocodile Hunter Dead At 44

Called it! Four years ago, I saw him handle a black mamba, and I turned to my wife and said, 'I bet he's going to die one day,' and sure enough, he died.


Karen Walton

U.S. Planes Kill Canadian

U.S. warplanes accidentally fired on Canadian troops in southern Afghanistan, killing one and wounding five. What do you think?

This sends a powerful message to bin Laden. It says, 'We're willing to destroy any ally in order to hunt you down in what would be a largely symbolic victory.'


Jaime Rodriguez

U.S. Planes Kill Canadian

Clearly, U.S. military leaders are having some creative differences over there. One idea would be to decide on the enemy, and then agree not to kill people who do not fall under that category.


Keith McGovern

U.S. Planes Kill Canadian

Look, the American military does not discriminate. Gay, straight, Taliban, Canadian, Pat Tillman—we will shoot you all.


Dave McTeague

Immigration Rallies Smaller

Labor Day immigration rallies drew fewer numbers than the marches held from earlier this year. What do you think?

If it's true that these illegal immigrants are too lazy to fight for their rights, then that just proves how American they truly are.


Warren Haggerty

Immigration Rallies Smaller

Just goes to show you, the rights of immigrants will always come in a distant second when going head-to-head with a nice plate of potato salad.


Angela Ronis

Immigration Rallies Smaller

Well, there you have it. Sometimes these issues just find ways of working themselves out.


Becca Townes

CNN's Chilling 9/11 Tribute

On the fifth anniversary this month, CNN.com will be streaming footage all day of the network's televised coverage from Sept. 11th, 2001, enabling viewers to relive it as events unfolded. What do you think?


Herman Ritter

CNN's Chilling 9/11 Tribute

Considering I was in a coma at the time, this will certainly help me fully assimilate to the scarred, paranoid society into which I awoke.


Zac Polk

CNN's Chilling 9/11 Tribute

I doubt many people will watch. During that time, FoxNews.com will be airing Pirates of the Caribbean.


Jeremy Slocumb

New Oil Field Discovered

The Chevron Corporation has discovered an oil field in the Gulf of Mexico which could possibly produce 6,000 barrels a day. What do you think?

And to think I was going to have trouble finding a market for my diesel-powered laptop.


Sheryl Mulhally

New Oil Field Discovered

I'd say after 4 billion years, the environment has had a pretty good run.


Brandon Lyle

New Oil Field Discovered

Hopefully this news will bring smiles to the faces of those poor oil executives whose only good news last year was record profit.


James Parnett

Cigarettes Have More Nicotine

A recent study shows that the amount of nicotine in cigarettes rose an average of 10% between 1998 and 2004. What do you think?

And they say big tobacco doesn't care about their customers.


Denny Mathison

Cigarettes Have More Nicotine

In my day, all you ever needed for repeat business was an ad showing a dancing cigarette pack with a sexy pair of gams.


Judy O'Connor

Cigarettes Have More Nicotine

Um, I can't really tell: Was this a pro or anti-smoking study?


Amy Herman

Sexy Lyrics, Sexual Teens

A new study found that teenagers who listen to sexually explicit lyrics are more likely to engage in sexual activity at an early age. What do you think?

That's a bunch of bullshit. I spent my whole youth listening to 'Too Short' and didn't get laid till I was 27.


Jesse Hughes

Sexy Lyrics, Sexual Teens

During my teens, when I saw an attractive woman, I didn't need a popular song to tell me she should back that ass up.


Wade Barunohler

Sexy Lyrics, Sexual Teens

That makes me wish that my parents had let me listen to something other than music about hog farms, growing up on hog farms, and taking over your family's hog farm.


Mike Schwartz

Work Up, Pay Down

Over the last decade, American work productivity has increased 33%, while wages have only increased 11%. What do you think?

Look, I've only got five minutes for my break, and I'm not about to waste it talking to you.


John McDougal

Work Up, Pay Down

I love the notion that workers are somehow supposed to be rewarded for increased productivity. Do you see any of those CEO's being rewarded for being more productive? No. They are being rewarded for absolutely no reason.


Marilyn Wittner

Work Up, Pay Down

So if I reduce my productivity 20%, it'll be like getting an automatic raise. Which will come in handy when I'm fired for taking 3-day weekends.


Emily Sherman

Care For 9/11 Illness

People who worked or lived near Ground Zero are demanding health-care for illnesses related to the poor air quality after the attacks. What do you think?

I think we should FedEx an itemized invoice for all of those people's medical expenses to Osama bin Laden. Then, when he goes to sign for it—bam! We grab him!


Jeremy Grusin

Care For 9/11 Illness

This is a very serious issue. My cousin was a first responder, and he recently succumbed to a particularly bad case of Freedom Lung.


Ron Wells

Care For 9/11 Illness

I guess we know whose side of the war on terror these folks' alveoli are on.


Lester Graves

Horse Meat Banned

Congress has banned the slaughter of horses for meat, calling the process "barbaric."" What do you think?"

What am I supposed to do with the grade-A pony I just bought—give it to my daughter for Christmas?


Lisa Gonzalez

Horse Meat Banned

I support this ruling. We shouldn't be allowed to eat horses, dogs, or anything else we can race for sport.


Jim Shebesta

Horse Meat Banned

Oh, the winds of change. I remember a time in this country when you couldn't get elected unless you participated in a state-fair horse-eating contest.


Tom Jensen

2nd Autopsy For Anna Nicole's Son

A second autopsy will be performed on Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son who died at her bedside while she was hospitalized in the Bahamas. What do you think?

A second autopsy? Oh, God, did he die again?


Gina Lannegan

2nd Autopsy For Anna Nicole's Son

I'm just surprised a child raised by Anna Nicole Smith made it to 20.


Walter Godwin

2nd Autopsy For Anna Nicole's Son

The media frenzy over her son's death is sickening. All this woman's ever asked for is her privacy.


Nadine Fitzpatrick

Pope Apologizes To Muslims

Pope Benedict has apologized for offending Muslims in a speech he gave in Germany last week. What do you think?

Geez, I wonder what the Pope is like when he's not apologizing.


Lyle Anderson

Pope Apologizes To Muslims

Am I the only one who's surprised the Pope had to go back seven whole centuries to find a Catholic anti-Muslim quote?


Jim Farrell

Pope Apologizes To Muslims

The sad part is his apology came verbatim from the medieval text, 'How To Pacify The Savage Arab.'