Gordie Runnels

The Dockworkers' Strike

This is like the time I organized a strike over at Sbarro's. Actually, I just stopped showing up.


Marcy Webber

The Dockworkers' Strike

Dockworkers in 29 West Coast ports returned to work last week under court order, tackling a 10-day backlog of cargo. What do you think?

I just feel bad for all the rotting vegetables. They're the real victims in all this.


Norine  Barrodale

Obesity On The Rise

The National Center for Health Statistics recently announced that 64.5 percent of American adults are overweight or obese. What do you think?

It's a sin to waste food, and America just happens to have 16 boxes of almost-expired Ding Dongs for every man, woman, and child.


Joseph Ortiz

Obesity On The Rise

If they knew the pain and humiliation of being obese, scientists wouldn't do these studies.


Don Watson

Obesity On The Rise

For your information, there are those who appreciate the curvy hips and ample breasts of a full-figured man, thank you very much.


Dennis  Moreland

Obesity On The Rise

And with the insidious new alliance between Donald Trump and Grimace, it's only going to get worse.


Eve Huffman

Obesity On The Rise

This study buys into fascist media images about what is and isn't a leading cause of heart disease.


Dana Harrison

Obesity On The Rise

The Clean Plate Club is big—bigger than anyone realizes. Look for a man named 'Boy-Ar-Dee.' There's your story.


Gene Franke

North Korean Nukes

Last week, it was revealed that North Korea has secretly been pursuing a nuclear-weapons program. What do you think?

While it appears that North Korea may indeed have The Bomb, it remains unclear whether they have The Food.


Valerie Schmidt

North Korean Nukes

My remarks on this matter will be brief, as the only stereotype I know of Koreans is that they eat dogs.


Christopher  Sims

North Korean Nukes

I just pray that this does not interfere with the Koreans' important work animating The Simpsons.


Bill Cullums

North Korean Nukes

Don't worry: It's probably just a bootleg bomb that won't work anyway.


Marcia Martz

North Korean Nukes

This news really burns me up. In fact, it vaporizes me into my component subatomic particles, leaving the soil around me lifeless and radioactive for millennia.


Eddie Rutt

North Korean Nukes

North Korea may have a few nukes, but we have more than 12,000. That should make everyone feel safer.


Reggie Simms

The Russian Theater Raid

During a hostage rescue, Russian authorities pumped gas into a Moscow theater, killing 116 of the 800-plus captives. What do you think of the controversial move?

Now that the siege is over, the surviving hostages can get back to watching Nord-Ost. I think they left off at the part where Vasily was about to propose to Svetlana.


Oleg Yashin

The Russian Theater Raid

I trust that the Russians handled this correctly. No doubt we'll soon learn that every gas victim was actually a Chechen collaborator. Yes. This is what we will find.


Oscar Riggins

The Russian Theater Raid

Just answer this: Were the captors terrorists? Okay, what about the people who killed the hostages, were they terrorists? How about the victims?


Meredith Dietz

The Russian Theater Raid

This is the worst thing ever to happen in Russia.


Gordon Lenox

The Russian Theater Raid

All I can say is, somebody had better answer to the United States about this.


Jared Andruss

Republicans Take The Senate

In last Tuesday's midterm elections, Republicans retook the U.S. Senate, giving them control of both houses of Congress. What do you think?

You know, they say people get the government they deserve, but I don't recall knife-raping any retarded nuns.


Melissa Kendall

Republicans Take The Senate

Don't blame me, I voted for the Green Party. Hee hee hee! Aren't I the dickens?


Thom Abboud

Republicans Take The Senate

On the bright side, the Democrats did triumphantly retake the Kansas governorship.


Elaine Dorner

Republicans Take The Senate

I'm confused. It was my understanding that the Democrats had already rolled over and died after Sept. 11.


Rodney Garn

Republicans Take The Senate

The American people have spoken. And they have said, 'Duhhh, I likes chockomut ice cream.'


Raymond Thatcher

Republicans Take The Senate

Gosh, that election really sucked. Well, at least it'll probably be the last one we ever have.


Linda Kingery

The Bin Laden Audiotape

Last week, al-Jazeera aired an audiotape purportedly of Osama bin Laden praising the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think about the possibility that bin Laden is alive?

I have my suspicions that this tape is older than al-Jazeera claims, mostly because of the way bin Laden peppers his speech with 'fer sure' and 'tubular.'


Todd Buhner

The Bin Laden Audiotape

Hell, that could be anyone's voice. Even I can do bin Laden… 'Oh, yes, I very much like to blow up the buildings, sir.' No, you sound Indian.


Bill Cotto

The Bin Laden Audiotape

Bin Laden… alive? It's a Christmastime miracle!


Glenda  Langston

The Bin Laden Audiotape

You mean our bombing the crap out of Afghanistan and threatening war with Iraq hasn't softened his anti-American stance? That can't be right.


Bob Bankhead

The Bin Laden Audiotape

Hey, I'm way ahead of you. I know this place down on Canal Street that had bootleg copies of the tape a week before al-Jazeera.


George Brantley

The Bin Laden Audiotape

I don't know which is more terrifying—that bin Laden is still alive or that al-Qaeda may be in cahoots with Rich 'Man Of A Thousand Voices' Little.


Marjorie Stamp

Democrats In Disarray

Having lost control of the Senate and lacking a clear leader and message, the Democratic Party appears to be in disarray. What do you think?

As a Democrat, I have high hopes in 2004 for Rep. Tom Lanford, a charismatic young centrist from Ohio with a clear vision for the party. Okay, I just made him up.


Al Fanseca

Democrats In Disarray

In this time of war, the Democrats have unselfishly recognized that America simply cannot afford to have two strong, competing parties.


Rick Snell

Democrats In Disarray

All the Democrats I've talked to know exactly what they stand for: not being Republicans.


Donald Paul

Democrats In Disarray

The Democrats need to find a guy who can shoot lightning out of his fingertips. I'd vote for that guy.


Rachel Cone

Democrats In Disarray

One solution to the Democrats' woes is to try to attract more fat, gray-haired white men with lots of sinister connections.


Mike Ansel

Democrats In Disarray

It's not as bad as it could be. The Democrats could be desperate enough to run Walter Mondale agai–oh, shit.


Don Althorp

Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese?

Already reeling from sex-abuse charges, the Boston Archdiocese is now considering filing for bankruptcy. What do you think?

It's about time. I've been waiting for years to turn that downtown cathedral into a heavy-metal club.


Rob Prince

Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese?

Oh, no—we've all got to get together to save Christianity!


Rich Massena

Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese?

That's going to be one hell of a yard sale.


Lynette Demuth

Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese?

Well, what exactly did they do with the $2 I paid that old lady for a pecan nut bar in 1977?


Christine Kohl

Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese?

Only a miracle can save them now. Fortunately, they get lots of those.


Gary Williams

Chapter 11 For Boston Archdiocese?

So now they're financially bankrupt, as well?


Dana Klugh

Iraq And The Nuclear Option

Last week, President Bush said he would not rule out using nuclear weapons against enemies wielding weapons of mass destruction. What do you think?

Well, that seems like a pretty sensible policy that won't have any negative longterm repercussions among nuclear-capable nations already wary of the U.S.


Don Swartz

Iraq And The Nuclear Option

It's about time we had a president who's not afraid to step up to the plate and make the biggest mistake in the history of world civilization.


Cris Porter

Iraq And The Nuclear Option

He's bluffing. Bush could never bring himself to deliberately nuke that many oil fields.


Carl Roberts

Iraq And The Nuclear Option

That reminds me. I've got some leftover falafel I'm gonna go nuke for lunch. This is called 'displacement behavior.' It is not working.


Larry Golub

Iraq And The Nuclear Option

It's like the late '80s all over again: A Bush threatening war, nuclear paranoia, me involved in a protracted legal battle over an alleged sex crime…


Denise Traylor

Iraq And The Nuclear Option

You know the scariest thing about this whole situation? Me, neither. It's impossible to decide.


Robert Clausen

Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

President Bush's smallpox-vaccination plan has sparked controversy, as the vaccine carries a small risk of severe and even deadly side effects. What do you think?

I don't care if thousands of Americans could die–lives are at stake.


Meredith  Vreeland

Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

I'm sticking with my political party on the whole smallpox issue.


Richard Edwards

Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

Will we also be vaccinating against pipe bombs? We know the terrorists have those.


Mitchell Swan

Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan


Maria King

Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

I'm all for it, but only if I get to vaccinate myself. I have this cool antique lancet I've always wanted to use.


Mark Samuel

Bush's Smallpox-Vaccination Plan

Call me a paranoid schizophrenic, but I must confess to being fretful about the government forcibly injecting stuff into me. I'm a bit of a worrywart in that area.


Marc Vargas

Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

As part of his tax-cut plan, President Bush has proposed abolishing taxes on stock dividends—a move critics say primarily benefits the rich. What do you think?

Oh, thank God. I've dreamed of sending my child to college, but those dividend taxes were eating me alive.


Ben Graham

Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

A tax cut? With war looming and a projected federal budget deficit? Does Bush know the U.S. can't borrow from its dad?


Irwin Edwards

Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

As a cash-fattened plutocrat, I require no more money. So to our president I say 'No, thank you' to these tax cuts.


Linda Oberst

Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

Maybe this will inspire America's poor to not be so poor all the time.


Marla Robichaud

Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

What's the problem here? If taxes are cut for the rich, that means they'll be able to tip more. There's just no pleasing some people.


Sam Hopkins

Eliminating Stock-Dividend Taxes

It makes sense. Those people making money on stock dividends didn't do any work, so why should they have to pay any taxes?


Tom Edwards

Affirmative Action Under Fire

President Bush recently urged the Supreme Court to strike down the University of Michigan's affirmative-action program as unconstitutional. What do you think?

Affirmative action unfairly keeps more qualified applicants out of college. Kind of like having a rich, politically connected daddy.


Frank Krantz

Affirmative Action Under Fire

Christ. NBC's A Different World wasn't enough, now they want to go to 'real' college, too?


Marci Hoffler

Affirmative Action Under Fire

I once met someone who says she lost a job because of affirmative action, and I've never met anyone who's benefitted, so I'm opposed.


Marla Simmons

Affirmative Action Under Fire

Why do those people act like we owe them something? Oh, right.


Rich Skoldek

Affirmative Action Under Fire

I applaud Bush's hardline stand on this issue, as once a nigra get his head full-a learnin', he start up a-thinkin', an' then there ain't no keepin' him down no-how.


Dennis Dugan

Affirmative Action Under Fire

This is an extremely complex, emotionally charged issue, but one thing is clear: Condoleezza Rice's name is funny.


Tom Robinson

France And Germany Say No

At a recent NATO meeting, France and Germany expressed reluctance to lend military support to the U.S. if it invades Iraq. What do you think?

I can understand France pussin' out, but Germany?


Paul Ryback

France And Germany Say No

Has it been explained to the Germans that the Iraqis are Semites?


Christina Davies

France And Germany Say No

I'm sorry, but why should France and Germany have a say in what goes on all the way over in Iraq?


Fred Eckers

France And Germany Say No

That's a shame. It would have been hilarious to see the French running around the desert in their froofy Stratego uniforms.


Carolyn Kass

France And Germany Say No

Oh, shit. I'm forced to side with France on something.


Craig George

France And Germany Say No

Hey, Mr. President. When even the Germans don't want to fight, take the fucking hint.


Maria Fortis

The Future Of NASA

In the wake of the Columbia tragedy, many are questioning the wisdom and necessity of NASA's manned-space-flight program. What do you think?

Those astronauts did not die in vain. They gave their lives so that mankind could have cool footage of people floating upside-down in fully automated capsules.


Kenneth King

The Future Of NASA

Imagine all the good that could be done if we took those billions of dollars we're spending on NASA and gave it to the military.


Bill Kuntz

The Future Of NASA

The space program should be scrapped. Fourteen deaths in 20 years? Imagine seeing those kinds of statistics in, say, the trucking industry.


Sheryl Auburn

The Future Of NASA

If man were meant to fly in outer space, God would have given him a brain capable of figuring out the mathematics and physics necessary to do so.


Marcus Edwards

The Future Of NASA

Don't you think Bush is taking this whole wanting-to-be-Reagan thing a little far?


Jennifer Cotto

Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

Last week, U.S. intelligence officials stated that North Korea has the technology to fire nuclear missiles at the West Coast. What do you think?

It's about time the West Coast started carrying its fair share of the scared-shitless load.


Lisa Campbell

Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

Big deal. There's, like, an 80 to 90 percent chance they won't even use those things.


Rich Kingery

Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?


Tom Reynolds

Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

North Korea has missiles that can reach the U.S.? We'd better get to work on developing some missiles of our own right away.


Ron Buhner

Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

I sincerely doubt they can reach us. My back scratcher was made in Korea, and the piece of crap can barely reach past my shoulder blades.


Cris Langston

Can N. Korea Nukes Reach The U.S.?

As an American, I'm getting sick and tired of other countries.


Carl Davis

The Anti-SUV Movement

Decried as gas-guzzling road hazards, SUVs are also under fire for supporting terrorism by increasing U.S. dependence on Mideast oil. What do you think?

But what if I need my SUV for sporting or utilitating?


Christine Watros

The Anti-SUV Movement

I'm sorry, but I simply don't buy your argument that SUVs indirectly put my dollars into the hands of al-Qaeda via the Saudis. My Explorer is so comfortable!


Amy Benton

The Anti-SUV Movement

Yes, the average U.S. automobile has doubled in weight since 1990, but so has the average U.S. citizen.


Franklin Lowe

The Anti-SUV Movement

I just feel bad for the SUVs, forced to live all cooped up in the city like that.


David Orr

The Anti-SUV Movement

Yesterday, I flipped off a guy who was driving an SUV. See, I'm doing my part to save the world.


John Kelleher

The Anti-SUV Movement

My purchase of a Hummer was inspired by our 1991 Gulf War victory. After this war, I'm buying an aircraft carrier.


Jim Clemons

The Great White Tragedy

Some are calling for criminal charges to be filed against the band Great White for its role in the deadly Feb. 20 pyrotechnics fire in Rhode Island. What do you think?

What happened in that Rhode Island club is shocking. To think that over a hundred people would attend a Great White concert…


Cynthia Kelleher

The Great White Tragedy

Without pyrotechnics, '80s metal bands will have no way to keep audiences from noticing how shitty their music is.


Theresa King

The Great White Tragedy

As a concerned parent, I think it's high time somebody started speaking out against this dangerous shark-themed rock.


Phil Orland

The Great White Tragedy

I only feel safe inside a rock club when Lemmy is playing.


Bill Barton

The Great White Tragedy

The saddest part of all is, they never even got to hear 'Once Bitten, Twice Shy.'


Daniel Haley

The Great White Tragedy

How many more people have to die before no one ever dies again?


Andrea Crim

Life After Saddam

With war imminent, President Bush and others are already discussing plans for a post-Saddam, U.S.-occupied Iraq. What do you think?

I'm sure there are plenty of ambitious young despots out there who would jump at the chance to rule Iraq.


Bruce Wollensky

Life After Saddam

I just hope we don't see a repeat of that mess we made a few years back when we tried to install an American ruler in America.


Martin Baines

Life After Saddam


Meredith Hall

Life After Saddam

Whatever happens, someone should be there to film the most touching moments.


Ken Franklin

Life After Saddam

We should ask ourselves what we would want if Iraq was occupying the U.S.


Dennis Doering

Life After Saddam

Oh, man, we're not gonna make Iraq the 51st state, are we?


Michael Crane

Media Coverage Of The War

Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing?

I watch the Fox News Channel, because they're unbiased and support the war 100 percent.


Amanda Criss

Media Coverage Of The War

One week into the conflict, it's still unclear who will emerge as this war's Arthur 'Scud Stud' Kent.


Andrea Lytle

Media Coverage Of The War

Can't we skip all that disturbing night-vision bombing stuff and go straight to the jubilant liberation footage?


Gordon Jackson

Media Coverage Of The War

I watch Al-Jazeera on satellite but turn the sound off and listen to NPR. I have no idea what the fuck is happening.


Dan Durkee

Media Coverage Of The War

I'm hoping there will be helmet-mounted soldier-cams to be outraged by.


Mitchell Fawkes

Media Coverage Of The War


Arthur Bond

Dolphins And The Military

In a move that has outraged many animal-rights activists, the U.S. Navy is using dolphins to find underwater mines in Iraqi harbors. What do you think?

It's one thing to put human lives at risk in a war, but dolphins? That's just unconscionable.


George Goff

Dolphins And The Military

I support the U.S. dolphin military program. For many dolphins, the G.I. Bill is the only way they can afford college.


Dorothea Klapp

Dolphins And The Military

As someone who wore a T-shirt with a dolphin on it almost every day in fourth grade, I find this development troubling. My nickname in school was 'fishshirt.'


Melvin Adams

Dolphins And The Military

I gave up canned tuna for the dolphins, and now they're just blowing them to shit?


Eleanor Reese

Dolphins And The Military

Sure, they'll tell you about the success of the Navy dolphins, but will they tell you about the 10,000-dolphin protest in Chicago last weekend?


Dan Mora

Dolphins And The Military

This is the military. We should be amazed they're not using baby chicks.


Michael Kingery

Wall Street And The War

In spite of widespread predictions that the war would cure Wall Street's ills, the stock market has been unpredictable since the invasion of Iraq began. What do you think?

Wall Street's fluctuations suggest a disturbing lack of confidence in our fighting men abroad. Come on, Dow, support the troops.


Fred Lathon

Wall Street And The War

I don't know, my shares of Bombco have been pretty solid.


Melissa Arcero

Wall Street And The War

Those jitters on Wall Street probably have more to do with New York's smoking ban than with the war.


Chris Cassell

Wall Street And The War

It's wartime, so I guess I figured all of us unemployed people would get jobs building munitions or riveting battleships.


Dean Reiss

Wall Street And The War

My noise-rock band is creating a song with chord changes based on the Dow's actual fluctuations. You bet it sucks!


Marjorie Block

Wall Street And The War

All I want is for my son to make it home from Wall Street alive.


Lori Petruso

The SARS Epidemic

Many Americans are worried about the spread of SARS, the mysterious, deadly respiratory illness sweeping China and Hong Kong. What do you think?

More than 100 people have died worldwide from SARS! More than 100 people! 100!


Dan George

The SARS Epidemic

Will stopping this virus once again require the mass smothering of chickens in plastic trash bags? Just wondering.


Frank Banks

The SARS Epidemic

You have to wonder what monstrosity the Orient will unleash on humanity next. I mean, SARS, anime, Toyotathons…


Todd Cassell

The SARS Epidemic

From now on, I'm making sure to steer way the hell clear of the Chinatown section of my city, just like I always have.


Alicia Green

The SARS Epidemic

With its limited exposure and 4 percent fatality rate, SARS lies somewhere between rubella and a NASCAR crash on my list of death fears.


Timothy Conn

The SARS Epidemic

Did you say terrorists were behind SARS? Wow, I thought you said that. I'll just repeat that until they know what actually causes it.


Vincent Gregg

Is Syria Next?

Tensions are rising between the U.S. and Syria, which the Bush Administration has warned against harboring fugitive Saddam loyalists. What do you think?

Syria should know better than to help its allies.


Fran Whalen

Is Syria Next?

On the one hand, it'd be foolish to extend a military action that has already earned us worldwide enmity. On the other hand, it's right there.


Christopher Tam

Is Syria Next?

I'd watch out for those Syrians. If we can learn anything from their past history, it's that those folks are heavily into smiting.


Christina Abel

Is Syria Next?

I can think of lots of reasons to attack them, starting with their vital role in funding Sept. 11. What? Syria? I'm sorry, I thought you said Saudi Arabia.


Dana Dubrow

Is Syria Next?

After Iraq, I think we should hit Syria, then Iran, then Egypt. Or maybe Iran, then Syria, then Pakistan. Gosh, there are so many ways we could go here.


Rick Swopes

Is Syria Next?

What possible justification could we have for going to war with Syria? Oh, I'm just kidding—go right ahead, I don't care.


Rick Barros

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

The members of Dixie Chicks have been the focus of boycotts ever since saying they are ashamed to hail from the same state as President Bush. What do you think?

I recently hosted a Dixie Chicks CD burning, but it was because the brown-haired one got fat.


Marcus Adams

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

Do you think we could get Shania Twain to speak out against the president, too?


Alan Cramer

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

The only country artist qualified to express his political views is Johnny Cash, because that man's seen it all. And he once torched a forest while tripping on mescaline.


Omar Williams

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

So the Dixie Chicks are against the war? I suppose next, they'll be speaking out against the General Lee jumping over a crick.


Theresa Krug

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

The Dixie Chicks should leave the opinion-giving to the professionals. Like that guy with the 'boot up your ass' song.


Melissa Spence

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

Lost in this whole controversy is one important point: That the Dixie Chicks' music profoundly blows.


Donald Meijer

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

In spite of the war's conclusion, U.S. troops continue to engage in deadly skirmishes with Iraqi protesters, killing 16 in one such clash last week. What do you think?

If they don't want to get shot, what are they doing in Iraq?


Mo Browning

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

I think it's really sad that those Iraqis broke up the Marines' candlelight peace vigil with violence.


Jill Krenmore

Continuing Clashes In Iraq


Audra Thaler

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

Did we tell them the war was over in English? Maybe they just didn't understand.


Ron Mobley

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

Look, nobody said these people would welcome us with open arms. Except Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, Fox News…


Scott Watkins

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

I don't understand why these wackos won't simply face facts and accept that they're under the control of a foreign superpower's occupational force.


Andrea Barker

Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

Last week, President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair were nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for winning the war in Iraq. What do you think?

Man, this must've been a pretty shitty year for peacemakers.


Teri Hyde

Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

If they win, they would join the esteemed ranks of Henry Kissinger and Yasser Arafat.


Wayne King

Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

Well, they did go to war when the entire rest of the world was opposed, so I suppose they deserve it. Wait, that came out wrong.


Marcus Anderson

Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

What, were the Powerpuff Girls too fictional or something?


Bobby Thakker

Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

Nominated by the grateful Iraqi people, no doubt.


Ron Hadler

Bush And Blair's Nobel Nomination

It's about time. I'm sick of them always giving the Peace Prize to all those fucking pacifists.


Michael Newell

Executing SARS Spreaders in China

Last week, China threatened to execute individuals who knowingly spread the SARS virus. What do you think?

Finally, they've hit on a workable method of population control.


Colleen Matthews

Executing SARS Spreaders in China

We should let the World Health Organization do the executing. They never get to do the fun stuff.


Charles Barker

Executing SARS Spreaders in China

People with SARS should not be ostracized. Many people with SARS live happy, productive lives for three days before their lungs fall into their underpants.


Sam Kennert

Executing SARS Spreaders in China

We shouldn't be critical. It's an old Chinese custom to shoot people for no good reason.


Martin Reed

Executing SARS Spreaders in China

I've always said the Chinese don't know how to handle a crisis. Have you ever seen their fire drills?


Angie Pulliam

Executing SARS Spreaders in China

SARS has a 90 percent survival rate. That's a higher survival rate than the one for just living in China.


The Spam Epidemic

Congress is exploring ways to combat the problem of "spam

the wave of junk e-mail that has clogged e-mail systems and cost U.S. businesses billions. What do you think?"

Thank goodness Congress is going to do something about this problem. This should all be cleared up in, like, three weeks.


The Spam Epidemic

Gee, you make one little online inquiry into dripping wet teen pussies getting pounded by 12-inch horse cocks, and you're swamped for the rest of your life.


The Spam Epidemic

Every day, I get these annoying spams that are nothing but cookie recipes and forwarded articles about the benefits of Vitamin C and photos of cats. Wait—those are from my mom.


The Spam Epidemic

MY NAME IS ALFRED MUGABE. I KNOW OF 10 MILLIONS U.S. DOLLARS IN A NIGERIAN BANK AND MUST FIND AN ACCOUNT INTO WHICH TO TRANSFER THE MONIES.


The Spam Epidemic

If not for spam, I never would have met my boyfriend. His name is 8g391b66t274@prize- claimcenter.com.


The Spam Epidemic

Even more disturbing than this never-ending torrent of junk e-mail is the fact that, apparently, they must actually work once in a while.


Melanie Schaum

Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

After signing high-school basketball star LeBron James to a $90 million ad deal, Nike signed a 13-year-old soccer phenom to a $1 million pact. What do you think?

I don't see what the problem is. I mean, we're talking about kids who are good at sports.


Donna Geary

Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

If that's what Nike has to do to make people finally pay attention to them, that's what they have to do.


Arthur Robles

Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

Does this $90 million mean LeBron won't go to college? His education should really come first.


Paul Pearsall

Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

Nike may see LeBron James as the heir to Michael Jordan, but it remains to be seen whether he has MJ's wooden charm.


Chris Vinson

Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

This is no surprise. Nike has a rich tradition of employing minors.


Tom Nashua

Nike's Million-Dollar Babies

They're giving $90 million to a high-school student? Excuse me, I have to spit up my last three meals.


Paul Sprague

The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban

Last week, the House of Representatives voted to ban partial-birth abortions, moving the bill a step closer to President Bush. What do you think?

Partial-birth abortions should absolutely be banned. It says so in The Bible, in Paul's Letter To The Corinthians Re: Partial-Birth Abortions.


Meredith Sims

The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban

Whew—got that one in just under the wire.


Chris Kannell

The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban

Good. Now, U.S. women will think twice before fucking some stranger in a truck in a vacant lot somewhere. Are you listening, Amy?


Eric Pierce

The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban

Partial-birth abortions are disgusting. So, for that matter, are vaginas.


Donna Lund

The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban


Oscar Hamilton

The Partial-Birth Abortion Ban

Speaking as a man, let me just say, Christ, am I glad I'm a man.


Mitch Ahearn

FCC Media Deregulation

The FCC has eased restrictions on same-city ownership of newspapers and TV stations, freeing media conglomerates to create local monopolies. What do you think?

Yeah? Well, if this is such a big problem, why aren't we hearing more about it on the news?


Karen Syms

FCC Media Deregulation

I'd be greatly worried, were it not for Clear Channel's proven track record as a passionate and responsible guardian of the values of the Fourth Estate.


Kris Eccles

FCC Media Deregulation

Oh, crap. Now, both my local papers will carry Hagar The Horrible.


Ken Pierce

FCC Media Deregulation

Hold on–does Chomsky know about this? Because, man, oh, man, is he ever gonna hit the roof.


Mindy Roberts

FCC Media Deregulation

I'd be concerned about how this will affect the radio airwaves, but, fortunately, I'm a huge Pink fan.


Richard Powers

FCC Media Deregulation


Patrick Semple

The Affirmative-Action Decision

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the right of universities to keep admissions policies that incorporate race largely intact. What do you think?

Who is the Supreme Court to say what is right and what is wrong?


Don Brophy

The Affirmative-Action Decision

I'm not surprised. Have you seen who's on that court? A black, a coupla women, a Catholic, and at least two homos.


Matty Lewis

The Affirmative-Action Decision

Universities need to be diverse in many ways. For example, I think I'd make a great token stupid person.


Michelle Ardmore

The Affirmative-Action Decision

I dated a black guy once. I just wanted to say that.


Donna Gordon

The Affirmative-Action Decision

If you teach a man to fish, he'll fish for a lifetime. So I hope these schools are teaching fishing.


Craig Anderson

The Affirmative-Action Decision

Shit. You know what this means? It's going to be a week of, 'So, did you hear about the affirmative-action ruling?' at work.


Lou Alessandro

Is The Economy Turning Around?

The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do you think?

It's turning around? Hang on, I want to mention this to the guy repossessing my couch.


Mary Bohnert

Is The Economy Turning Around?

They're just playing up the economy to distract us from the war.


Kathie Coombes

Is The Economy Turning Around?

As a hurdler, I must warn you: Even though the economy has cleared this hurdle, there will likely be more hurdles to hurdle soon.


Karl Edmonds

Is The Economy Turning Around?

Ah, the economy! How my soul stirs at the thought of discussing it! Sit! Sit! 'Tis a beautiful day, and we have all afternoon!


Mark Adams

Is The Economy Turning Around?

Do we have enough for another war yet? How about an Olympics? Can I get another $300?


Mike Ory

Is The Economy Turning Around?

And with the low interest rates, there's never been a better time to buy a home. Oh, wait–I'm fucking unemployed.


Roland Sutton

Bush's African Tour

President Bush recently returned from a tour of Africa that supporters say signals U.S. commitment to tackling the continent's problems. What do you think?

This trip demonstrates strong support for Africa in a way that adequate humanitarian aid never could.


Jay McDaniel

Bush's African Tour

All I ever hear is Bush, Bush, Bush. When are we getting a new president?


Hector Castillo

Bush's African Tour

Did he get his picture taken next to a big pile of skulls? That'd be awesome.


Helene Rhodes

Bush's African Tour

Africa?! But that place is dangerous! What if he'd been hurt?!


Duane Carr

Bush's African Tour

I pray Bush steered clear of Anansi, the trickster spider-god. If not, the president may have learned a few lessons in a manner he didn't appreciate.


Dena Hardy

Bush's African Tour

Thank God Strom Thurmond didn't live to see a member of the GOP do this.


Arthur Rucker

Troops To Stay In Iraq

U.S. military officials recently announced that thousands of soldiers will remain in Iraq for longer than previously stated. What do you think?

At least democracy's flowering over there. They could be here, where it's nearly fucking dead.


Jessica Burrell

Troops To Stay In Iraq

Good. Maybe it'll teach those weaklings some discipline.


Edward Enriquez

Troops To Stay In Iraq

As an employer of several U.S. reservists, I have one question: Who's gonna sell these motorboats?


Maude Wilkenson

Troops To Stay In Iraq

I can't imagine why it's taking them so long to accomplish a simple little matter like stabilizing that particular geopolitical region.


Sammy Marsh

Troops To Stay In Iraq

Boy, the Iraqis better develop a fun pop culture with cute cartoon animals and grown women in schoolgirl uniforms, or this will be a complete waste.


Martin Stearns

Troops To Stay In Iraq

If our soldiers must be involved in a lengthy occupation, at least it's in a place without any dangerous weapons of mass destruction lying around.


Patrick Herron

Uday And Qusay On Display

Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think?

I can think of no better way to win opposing Iraqi hearts and minds than by showing them some opposing Iraqis' actual hearts and minds.


Darcie Windham

Uday And Qusay On Display

So, we've got Uday and Qusay. Now, how about the eapons-way of ass-may estruction-day?


Juan Russ

Uday And Qusay On Display

Now the Iraqis will love us, like they were supposed to in the first place.


Marty Felder

Uday And Qusay On Display

My heart goes out to Saddam. I can't imagine what it's like to lose even one, much less two evil henchmen.


Terrance Fleck

Uday And Qusay On Display

Raise the heads on gilded poles! Roast the fatted calf! We need a rousing song—summon Toby Keith!


Alisa Overstreet

Uday And Qusay On Display

Super. Now, let's show those bodies to the economy and our problems are over.


Raymond Blair

Embattled Liberia

The Bush administration is still unsure what role the U.S. military should play in war-ravaged Liberia. What do you think?

If there's one thing I know about other countries, it's that they can't get enough of our troops.


Penny Harmon

Embattled Liberia

Why does it always have to be troops we send? Let's send them something nice, like a pretty candle.


Paul Doherty

Embattled Liberia

Ah, let's just strongly condemn the latest round of escalating violence and leave it at that.


Ethan Templeton

Embattled Liberia

I don't understand why everyone's so up in arms about some unruly librarians.


Tamra Rider

Embattled Liberia

As an opponent of military intervention, I have a question: What sort of giant protest puppets are appropriate for the Liberian situation?


Rufus Moyer

Embattled Liberia

Isn't this one of those situations we can just leave for our children?


Ryan Reiff

The First Gay Bishop

The Rev. V. Gene Robinson recently won confirmation as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, prompting protests and walk-outs. What do you think?

Now that the church has been compassionate and reasonable about this, people are going to expect that all the time.


Carlos Ferebee

The First Gay Bishop

Among the greatest mysteries of faith are why God allows people to die, why evil exists, and why the hell some gay guy would want to be bishop.


Larry Cody

The First Gay Bishop

Isn't worrying about God stuff all the time kind of gay anyway?


Marjorie Moyers

The First Gay Bishop


Joseph Bogan

The First Gay Bishop

Whoa, that church has really gone downhill since forming the ecclesiastical body with their own episcopate in 1789.


Katherine Millard

The First Gay Bishop

Since when is it a crime to be gay? Oh, yeah. Up until a few weeks ago. Well, it's not anymore. Get with it.


Caroline Lenhart

Canadian Prescription Drugs

Major drug manufacturers are attempting to stop Canadian pharmacies from selling discounted prescription drugs to Americans. What do you think?

Look, Canada, stick to exporting that maple-sugar candy of yours. We'll take care of the obscenely expensive prescription drugs.


Terry Yoder

Canadian Prescription Drugs

Man, I got some primo Nexium when I was up in Vancouver last year.


Phillip Settle

Canadian Prescription Drugs

Canada has already given us the best medicine—laughter. Thank you, Ottawa's Dan Aykroyd, for everything.


Nicholas Perez

Canadian Prescription Drugs

Gay marriage, legal weed, and cheaper prescription drugs? Next they'll have donkeys painted like zebras, too.


Allison Burke

Canadian Prescription Drugs

I want to see these senior citizens jailed. I mean, I actually want to see them in the jail.


Jacob Harmon

Canadian Prescription Drugs

As CEO of Abbott Laboratories, I think Americans should consider themselves lucky they're getting our medicine at all.


Stanley Welty

The Ten Commandments Ruling

State Supreme Court justices recently ordered that a Ten Commandments monument be removed from the Alabama Judicial Building. What do you think?

At the rate the liberals are going, it won't be long before our country has an official policy mandating the separation of church and state.


Opal Birch

The Ten Commandments Ruling

I support its removal. A monument to the Ten Commandments is a graven image, and therefore blasphemous.


Lawrence Petty

The Ten Commandments Ruling

Alabama was just using that monument as a cheap, easy way to score some God points anyway.


Jeff Rawson

The Ten Commandments Ruling

People can be so stupid about religion. I always have to explain my 'I'm A Fundament-tail-ist!' T-shirt to people. It means I like ass-fucking, all right?


Kay Sines

The Ten Commandments Ruling

I know they have to take down the big granite monument at the Judicial Building, but what about the small tin sign tacked up in the Negro Courtshack?


Arthur Serra

The Ten Commandments Ruling

Let them have their statue. It's Alabama. No one there can read it, anyway.


Joe Wengert

High U.S. Incarceration Rates

The Justice Department reports that one in every 37 U.S. adults has been in prison, giving our nation the highest incarceration rate in the world. What do you think?

Look on the bright side—36 of us are free. USA! USA! USA!


Risa Woods-Tanouye

High U.S. Incarceration Rates

I guess you can only talk about getting tough on crime for so long before you have to back it up with meaningless arrests.


Sarah Burns

High U.S. Incarceration Rates

Whoa. I'd better start cutting back on my citizen's arrests.


Anthony King

High U.S. Incarceration Rates

We should privatize prisons! Not because it would help the rate of incarceration. I've just always wanted to own a prison.


Bret  Christensen

High U.S. Incarceration Rates

And did you know that half of the people currently serving time were prosecuted under the Anti-Skitching Act passed in 1978 to curb wintertime pranks?


Lennon Parham

High U.S. Incarceration Rates

But that can't be. I easily know 37 people and… Oh, wait. I forgot my stint for vehicular homicide in the '80s. Never mind.


Joseph O'Brien

U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

In a U.N. resolution last week, the U.S. sought troops and money from all nations to aide in Iraq's postwar reconstruction. What do you think?

They weren't too keen on helping us invade, but now that we've shown them we can do it, I bet they'll fall all over themselves to pitch in.


Erin Rose

U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

Finally, the U.S. is allowing other countries to contribute financially to Iraq's reconstruction. They were getting really pissed off that we weren't letting them do that.


Brett Gelman

U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

We must get the other nations of the world to commit troops in Iraq. Then they'll be weak at home—and we can strike!


Don Moe

U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

There's trouble in Iraq?! Quickly! To the unilateral- invasion-mobile!


Evan Foley

U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

When a nation sees a fellow nation going through troubled times, like Iraq is now, it's important to reach out and help. Together, through caring and sharing, we can make a difference.


Julie Brister

U.S. Seeks Help In Iraq

Good heavens! So many problems and complications! I sure do miss having the old Iraq around, just the way it was.


Charlie Todd

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

The House of Representatives recently voted to end the decades-old restriction prohibiting travel to Cuba. What do you think?

But if we impose sanctions for just one more year, we could still win the Cold War.


Mary Regan

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

What flake thought up this stupid bill? Oh, U.S. Rep. Jeff Flake (R-AZ).


Porter Mason

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

Tom DeLay claims lifting restrictions will support Fidel's 'thugocracy.' And who would know better than an elected Thugocrat?


David Berman

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

Our country should not recognize the tyrant Castro until the land that belonged to the tyrant Batista is returned to its rightful mob owners.


Jane Borden

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

Making Cuba accessible to Americans would encourage reforms there, as it did in the once-oppressive republics of the Bahamas, Aruba, and South Padre Island.


Rob Webber

The Ban On Travel To Cuba

We all know imposing sanctions doesn't work. It seems our only option is to strike now.


Scot Armstrong

Should Arafat Be Removed?

Many see Palestinian President Yasser Arafat as a roadblock to Mideast peace. What do you think?

Arafat needs to be taught a lesson he'll never survive to forget.


James Eason

Should Arafat Be Removed?

These brutish Palestinians need to learn that democracy is about choosing a leader who can speak for all Americans.


Jason Mantzoukas

Should Arafat Be Removed?

Hey, there's nothing like martyring a leader to calm the Palestinian extremists.


Jon Daly

Should Arafat Be Removed?

Arafat should get out of politics. It would give him time to focus on his Baby AraPhat line of Palestinian urban wear.


Tara Copeland

Should Arafat Be Removed?

Arafat should be replaced with someone younger and cuter, like that dreamy Hamas hunk Hafiz Mahmet al-Bahri. Oh, he was assassinated?


Christine Walters

Should Arafat Be Removed?

The question is not 'Should Arafat leave Israel?' The question is 'Why hasn't everybody left Israel?'


Matt Donnelly

Iran's Nuclear Program

Iran faces an Oct. 31 U.N. deadline to prove that it has no secret atomic-weapons program. What do you think?

If armageddon devices of biblical proportion don't belong in the hands of fundamentalist religious extremists, where do they belong?


Steve Buck

Iran's Nuclear Program

A standoff over nuclear weapons? Fun! My father told me about those!


Bob Wiltfong

Iran's Nuclear Program

We have bigger things to worry about in the Mideast than nuclear weapons.


Jessica Allen

Iran's Nuclear Program

If Iran breaks the deadline, they'll be in direct conflict with the U.N., which is a really big deal if you're not America.


Rachel Biello

Iran's Nuclear Program

I know how Iran feels! Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines! Ack!


Kurt Braunholer

Iran's Nuclear Program

Everyone always says Halloween is going to be scary, but when the International Atomic Energy Agency says it, you can believe it.


David Martin

CIA Leak Probed

The FBI has launched an investigation into whether White House officials leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer. What do you think?

The White House needs to assure the American people that, in the future, more interesting things than this are leaked to the press.


Christine Kula

CIA Leak Probed

We must do more to safeguard our covert operatives, even if that means never allowing them to spy and forcing them to work at Cinnabon instead.


Will McLaughlin

CIA Leak Probed

It's important to compromise national security every now and again, to keep the CIA on its toes.


Charlie Sanders

CIA Leak Probed

This is just like Karl Rove. Last year, before the White House Christmas party, he leaked the true identity of my Secret Santa.


Jeff Hiller

CIA Leak Probed

The Karl Rove I know would never commit such a nefarious act. Then again, the Karl Rove I know runs Rove's Auto Body out by the interstate.


Katie Dippold

CIA Leak Probed

You know who else is a CIA agent? My asshole ex-boyfriend Dave Fredericks at 2102 Leavitt St. Go get him, terrorists.


Chris Foote

The Promise Keepers

While some praise the Promise Keepers, who recently held a massive rally on the National Mall, for their call for Christian men to renew their commitment to family and God, others say the group has an underlying anti-woman agenda. What do you think?

I was at the rally, and when I realized all the sins I had committed, I began to pray and weep hysterically. Then I accused Goody Brewster and Tituba the slave girl of witchcraft and began to whirl around uncontrollably and stab random people.


Liz Offerman

The Promise Keepers

Personally, I'm scared by these Promise Keepers. They go against everything I learned and felt at Lilith Fair.


Matthew Butler

The Promise Keepers

What's wrong with a group of men finally standing up and taking responsibility for their wives' actions?


Mary Chapman

The Promise Keepers

The Promise Keepers represent a wide spectrum of Christian men, ranging from those who wear blue polo shirts with tan, pleated pants to those who prefer tan polos with dark pants.


Barry Eadle

The Promise Keepers

I have not seen that many white men weep openly since Tom Watson double-bogeyed on the 18th at last year's Masters.


Victor Schukal

The Promise Keepers

As a Freemason, I see nothing threatening about an insular, patriarchal belief system. Please pass the ceremonial chalice and blade.


Daniel Powell

Schwarzenegger Victorious

After the recall of Gov. Gray Davis, Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California. What do you think?

I voted for Arnold because I agreed with his economic plan. And because I was afraid he might punch me in the face if I didn't.


Molly Prather

Schwarzenegger Victorious

At last, a political family that combines the remnants of the Camelot dynasty with the origins of the Predator franchise.


Will Becton

Schwarzenegger Victorious

It certainly is an interesting career path, to go from bodybuilder to movie star to politician to man in way over his head.


Brandon Calhoun

Schwarzenegger Victorious

I'm from Minnesota, and I demand some credit. We elected a ridiculous joke of a governor years ago.


Sarah Jacobs

Schwarzenegger Victorious

Who would have thought that a bad Austrian artist who's obsessed with the human physical ideal could assemble such a rabid political following?


Kevin Napier

Schwarzenegger Victorious

Don't blame me—I voted for the porn star.


Peter Bosniak

Silicone Breast Implants

An advisory panel to the Food and Drug Administration recommended that the 11-year ban on the sale of silicone breast implants be lifted. What do you think?

There's absolutely nothing dangerous about silicone implants, unless they are inserted into a woman's body.


Brian Berebbi

Silicone Breast Implants

The only options are sand- and water-based implants? What about air and fire implants?


Matthew Decoster

Silicone Breast Implants

Breast implants are a personal decision that should be left to the women—those poor, small-tattied women.


Michelle Magee

Silicone Breast Implants

Why are you asking me if the ban on implants should be lifted? What are you implying? That my breasts are too small?


Wilma Hines

Silicone Breast Implants

The ban should not only be lifted, but separated, as well.


Andy Rocco

Silicone Breast Implants

They have to lift the ban. Doctors are bound by the Hippocratic oath to do whatever they can to help people.


Samuel Riegel

Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad stopped acting as his own attorney last week and rehired his lawyers. What do you think?

This is the only way for the sniping, serial-killer wacko to receive a fair trial. I'm sorry, alleged sniping, serial-killer wacko.


Jeff Campbell

Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

His decision to represent himself might have proved as disastrously unwise as his decision to shoot all those people.


Leslie Meisel

Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

As long as he's found guilty, justice will have been served.


Oliver Ralli

Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

I know where he's coming from. I tried to treat myself for colon cancer. But after a few months, I turned to a pro.


David McKeel

Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

It's wise to hire a lawyer. I defended myself in small-claims court against a carpet-cleaning business. Result: eight years in a maximum-security penitentiary.


Ellen Newell

Sniper Suspect Rehires Lawyers

He should've had a little fun representing himself in court, before he fries like a batter-dipped cod for what he did.


Geraldine Bates

Unrest In Iraq

Violence against American troops in Iraq surged last week, with attacks killing dozens. What do you think?

All I know is, if the Iraqis had invaded our country, we'd be acting a lot nicer to them than they are to us.


Molly Chandler

Unrest In Iraq

My cousin is in the Army, and he said that the Iraqis want us there. So I can't really figure out why they shot him.


Arthur Serra

Unrest In Iraq

I wish the media were more conservative, so we wouldn't have to hear about these things.


Nicholas Hoyt

Unrest In Iraq

In concentrating on Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, we forgot about their weapons of one teeny little bit of destruction at a time.


Brian Purdey

Unrest In Iraq

Why would the Iraqis bomb their own country? That's like shitting in your kitchen sink—good for emergencies, but not a great idea overall.


Frank Demoss

Unrest In Iraq

The G.I. deaths are tragic and alarming, but the fact that even more Iraqis are dying should provide some consolation.


Dawn Hulsey

The Anti-Abortion Campaign

Bush's signing of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act was a political triumph for the movement to curtail abortions in the U.S. What do you think?

They've got God on their side. All we've got is science and reason.


Todd Delrio

The Anti-Abortion Campaign

Is it just me, or have national politics been sorta veering to the right a little since Bush was elected?


Johnny Baron

The Anti-Abortion Campaign

Before I make a decision on abortion, I'll have to review the made-for-TV movies on the topic.


Frank Eldridge

The Anti-Abortion Campaign

Why can't more American women be like Jessica Lynch? What do you mean, what do I mean?


Lillian Knighton

The Anti-Abortion Campaign

I don't think that people should play God—unless it's in a cute way, in a Sunday-school gymnasium.


Phillip Krantz

The Anti-Abortion Campaign

As an investor in back-alley real estate and wire-hanger futures, I say, 'Whoo-hoo!'


Charlie Falk

Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

The Bush Administration announced that it hopes to speed up the transition to self-government in Iraq. What do you think?

Jesus, just leave the country, already. Someone else will come in and take it over.


Christine Winn

Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

This is simply the natural evolution of our policy from Iraquisition to Iraqupation, to Iraqunification.


Diana Conley

Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

Iraq has a history of instability and will require strong leadership in the postwar era. Hey! Is Saddam still alive?


Rodney Dunson

Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

Well, I happen to be an unemployed warlord.


Robert Swenson

Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

It makes sense for Bush to pull out. If his own father had exercised the judgment to pull out, the U.S. wouldn't have been there in the first place.


Jeff Rondeau

Speeding Up Iraqi Self-Rule

I'm just hoping Bush gets our boys home before election time.


Jesse Scott

THG And The NFL

A string of scandals has prompted the NFL to impose stricter testing standards for performance-enhancing drugs, especially the steroid THG. What do you think?

Sports-wise, I don't have any experience with performance-enhancing drugs…only the spectation-enhancing kind.


Tammy Rinaldi

THG And The NFL

Huh. So, Bill Romanowski tested positive for high levels of THUG?


Robert Neighbors

THG And The NFL

I'm glad drugs are out of the hands of radio hosts and into the hands of athletes, where they belong.


Patty Grubner

THG And The NFL

It's admirable that those athletes only use drugs that enhance performance. Today's kids could learn a lot from these role models.


Albert Kinard

THG And The NFL

Apparently, the type of performance-enhancing drugs the Raiders were using aren't the kind that help you pressure the quarterback, stop the run, or establish a goddamn passing game.


Joe Wendt

THG And The NFL

THG? It's harmless. I use it to clean my coffee maker. I don't see why everyone's so RAHRRRRR!


Jay Litton

The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

AIDS in the Third World, particularly Africa, is an ever-growing problem. What do you think?

Wow, storage costs for that AIDS quilt must be skyrocketing.


Thomas Batson

The Worldwide AIDS Crisis


Gayle Showalter

The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

Normally, I'd have sympathy for the Third World, but you've gotta admit it's their fault for being gay.


Shelli Madden

The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa is on the rise because sufferers have failed to ask their doctors about Combivir®.


Glen Luther

The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

We're losing the war on AIDS. And drugs. And poverty. And terror. But we sure took it to those Nazis. Man, those were the days.


Yi Shade

The Worldwide AIDS Crisis

We can't just throw money at the problem. Or discuss it in the political arena. Or address it at all.


Audrey Mitchell

Conservative Teens

Recent surveys show that today's teens are more conservative than the previous generation on issues like abortion and drug use. What do you think?

I don't understand my teenage son. He's always locked in the bathroom with that damn Ann Coulter book.


Fannie Whitton

Conservative Teens

Who can blame them, what with all the conservative video games they're playing?


Randy Kimura

Conservative Teens

Does this new conservatism preclude them from going wild, either now or at some point in the future?


Kenneth Mann

Conservative Teens

I did find it strange that my daughter's prom song was 'Hail To The Chief.'


John Zimmerman

Conservative Teens

Of course teens are conservative. They're rebelling against the liberal bias that controls the media.


Jimmy McCourt

Conservative Teens

I don't know who these teens are, but they certainly aren't the ones e-mailing me about their web sites.


James R. Webb

Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

To improve national security, last week the U.S. began fingerprinting and photographing foreigners arriving at air- and seaports. What do you think?

What? They have fingerprints? Those bastards become more like humans every day.


Paula Holt

Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

They're taking photos? That's useless. Everyone looks like a terrorist in an ID photo.


Shirley Crawford

Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

I've always thought that people should have to jump through more hoops for the privilege of visiting a glorious bastion of freedom and liberty like America.


Edgar Little

Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

This information will come in handy if we ever need to determine exactly who touched the counter at the St. Louis Arch gift shop.


Alex Mason

Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

Why the hubbub? It's not like we're extracting delicious DNA samples from them. Did I say delicious? I meant invasive.


Ronald Ramirez

Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

They do the photography and fingerprinting at no charge? America truly is the land of opportunity!


Joseph Berlin

Israel's West Bank Wall

Amid protest from Palestinians, Israel began construction on a 25-foot-tall protection barrier on the edge of Jerusalem. What do you think?

Anyone can tear things down, but it takes someone really special to build things up.


Jeff Lockre

Israel's West Bank Wall

A wall is a good start. It's no 'giant lid over the whole fucked-up region.' But it's a start.


Karla Vanhoose

Israel's West Bank Wall

God, these Jerusalemites. You'd think one famous wall would be enough for them.


Randolph Bunn

Israel's West Bank Wall

As a poet, I see this wall as a metaphor for something—but what?


Ed Jin

Israel's West Bank Wall

This plan will definitely solve Israel's problems. Unless the Palestinians somehow get their hands on tunnel-digging 'pick and shovel' technology.


Nan Hastings

Israel's West Bank Wall

A wall of steel and concrete may stop the Palestinians from entering certain areas, but it cannot stop the Palestinian heart from soaring. That's what the soldiers are for.


Jen Craig-Greenman

Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

The inability to find jurors unfamiliar with Martha Stewart has raised concerns that celebrities cannot receive a fair trial. What do you think?

So a bunch of famous people got arrested, and all of a sudden we're worried about fair trials?


Janice Parks

Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

Except for their incredibly well-funded legal-defense teams, these stars are on their own.


Joey Reid

Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

I hope celebrities can get a fair trial in this country. God knows they can't get decent service.


Lee Daniels

Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

May I remind you that I am not on trial here?! Sorry. I just love saying that.


Harold Johnston

Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

To ensure a fair trial, the judge should present the evidence with Gretchen Mol standing in for the defendant.


Timothy Bates

Can Celebrities Get A Fair Trial?

Oh, great. If I somehow manage to avoid 20 years of Cheers and Frasier, my reward is a jury seat at Kelsey Grammer's child-murder trial?


Donald Clark

FDA To Ban Ephedra

The FDA recently announced that it plans to prohibit sales of products containing ephedra, a stimulant sold primarily for weight loss. What do you think?

If they ban ephedra, they're just going to drive fat people out into the streets for their weight-loss fix.


Alan King

FDA To Ban Ephedra

This is bullshit. I contacted the FDA after my cousin swallowed three wooden blocks and died, and you still see those on the market.


Steve Hernandez

FDA To Ban Ephedra

Well, for now, I can get along fine with bitter orange, royal jelly, and the lichen derivative usnic acid.


Martha Nelson

FDA To Ban Ephedra

How terrible! Americans have no other options for weight-loss products.


Angela Hall

FDA To Ban Ephedra

You can ban the drug ephedra, but you'll never be able to ban what ephedra stands for.


Gregory Green

FDA To Ban Ephedra

Why is it always the drugs that suffer when people get hurt?


Karl Collins

Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?

Same-sex unions will only serve to weaken the institution of marriage for the rest of us. My wife and I can barely stand each other as it is.


Joe Perez

Gay Marriage

How will they decide who's going to wear the wedding dress?! Whoa! Sorry for being so 'politically incorrect'!


Frances Evans

Gay Marriage

What's the big deal? It's legal now. My sister's married to a gay guy and everyone knows it.


Walter Hill

Gay Marriage

Great. Just when I finally get my mother to accept that I'm gay, she has a whole new thing to nag me about: getting married.


Jerry Turner

Gay Marriage

Some fag better not try marrying me. These days, you fuck a guy one time and he pulls out a ring.


Diane Morris

Gay Marriage

As an overweight, emotionally needy fag hag, I strongly oppose all gay marriage legislation.


Fred Watson

Human Cloning

South Korean scientists successfully cloned a human embryo, a procedure some feel is unethical. What do you think?

I applaud this scientific breakthrough, as long as they don't use it to clone more Hitlers. Maybe one Pol Pot, if they absolutely have to, but no Hitlers.


Nicole Henderson

Human Cloning

No thanks. I prefer the kind of stem cells you produce from getting laid.


Billy Cook

Human Cloning

I just told my 3-year-old that babies come from cabbage patches. How the hell am I going to explain this?


Justin Barnes

Human Cloning

So a future in which I can clone myself, hunt myself down for sport, and then claim it wasn't murder because it was only me that I killed is just around the corner?


Harold Price

Human Cloning

Finally, someone invented a way to make more Asians.


Rose Coleman

Human Cloning

This has limitless scientific possibilities, which means one thing: We must keep Christians from finding out about it.


Pamela King

Colorado Football Under Fire

In a growing scandal, several women have charged that they were raped by football players at the University of Colorado. What do you think?

This is going to negatively affect the entire Colorado athletic department. I wish people would think before they let the rape


Eric Scott

Colorado Football Under Fire

See? See? One breast is flashed at a football game and the whole sport goes into the gutter.


Anna Baker

Colorado Football Under Fire

This is what happens when you tell people to give 110 percent.


Anthony Benkes

Colorado Football Under Fire

As an athlete, all I can say is that all this sex talk is making me want to go rape someone.


Joshua Hall

Colorado Football Under Fire

I heard that some Colorado Buffaloes raped some women and was absolutely horrified. But it turned out it's the name of their fo


Gregory Carter

Colorado Football Under Fire

What happened to the good old days of college football, when you never heard about things like this happening, even though they


Daniel Young

Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

President Bush has ordered the deployment of 200 marines to Port-au-Prince, Haiti as part of an "interim international force"" to restore stability in the region. What do you think?"

Why should we risk our soldiers' lives when Haiti could simply raise a voodoo army of the dead and protect themselves?


Kathleen Scott

Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

Haiti's really small. Why don't we send that 'Army Of One' I keep hearing about on television?


Scott Lopez

Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

These Haitians should not be asking what America can do for them, but what they can do for America.


Timothy Franks

Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

I spent a week in Tahiti with this shorty I was banging last year. I know it's a different country, but I wanted people to know I was banging a shorty as recently as a year ago.


Andrew Hill

Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

Last time I checked, the Haitians were doing a pretty good job of shooting the place up on their own.


Brenda Walker

Should The U.S. Help Haiti?

God helps countries that help themselves.


Larry Robinson

Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

Legal experts said it's likely that Slobodan Milosevic will be acquitted of genocide at the conclusion of his U.N. war-crimes tribunal. What do you think?

They wasted two years questioning an innocent man, and the real genocider is still out there somewhere.


Shirley Green

Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

All this because the witness who'd been out walking his dog couldn't say whether he saw the genocide happen at 10:15 or 10:30.


Frank Young

Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

I'm surprised that Milosevic was able to plead his case down to 180,000 charges of vehicular manslaughter.


Eric Nelson

Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

I hope they provided him with a good rehabilitation program while he was in jail. Otherwise, he's just going to wind up committing more genocides.


Anna Wright

Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

When I look in his eyes, I don't see a genocidal butcher. I see a man who needs a hug, and I'm the woman who's going to give it to him.


Josh Turner

Milosevic Genocide Case Faltering

Who's his defense lawyer? 'Cause I just crushed three people in a drunken backhoe incident, and I totally don't wanna go to jail.


Albert Douglas

The Madrid Train Bombings

Madrid is still searching for answers after the worst terrorist attack in Spanish history. What do you think?

What kind of Muslims are the Basques? They're not Muslims? Then why would they blow stuff up?


Roger Carter

The Madrid Train Bombings

Man, maybe we should have tried to track down Osama bin Laden after Sept. 11.


Ann Collins

The Madrid Train Bombings


Henry Sanchez

The Madrid Train Bombings

And now, yet another healing process begins.


Janet Campbell

The Madrid Train Bombings

Bush is definitely going to get the Spanish vote in November.


Walter Morris

The Madrid Train Bombings

The question is, 'Was it al Qaeda or the Basques?' And if it's the latter, the question becomes, 'Now, who are the Basques, again?'


Bruce Bennett

Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?

Martha's headed to jail? Her emotions must be running the gamut from taut-lipped pseudo-WASP rage to unhealthy denial.


Kathy Henderson

Stewart's Prison Sentence

She's just going to learn how to be a better insider trader from all the other inmates.


Steve Woods

Stewart's Prison Sentence

I'll be able to sleep easier knowing that another motivated, powerful woman is off the streets.


Willi Cooper

Stewart's Prison Sentence

It's about time we cracked down on white-collar criminals without political connections.


Beverly Ross

Stewart's Prison Sentence

The woman is about to go to prison, yet her site still charges 39 bucks for a goddamn egg-shaped beeswax candle?


Nicholas Coleman

Stewart's Prison Sentence

Hey, did anyone say how funny it would be if Martha decorated her jail cell in some elaborate way? Oh.


Tammy Kroft

Richard Clarke Speaks Out

Former counterterrorism official Richard Clarke emerged as a controversial, outspoken figure at the Sept. 11 investigation hearings. What do you think?

Clarke is just another crazy conspiracy theorist claiming that the federal government is slow, inefficient, and unfocused.


Katie Sanderson

Richard Clarke Speaks Out

I don't think Clarke is lying. He's got a book to back up his claims. What does the White House have? Nothing.


Karl Kruger

Richard Clarke Speaks Out

In this time of crisis, we should stand by the president no matter what. Yes, I know I've been saying that same thing for three straight years now. So?


Vincent Wenz

Richard Clarke Speaks Out

Clarke is just mad because he was passed over for a promotion. And because his bosses' indifference to the American public was indirectly responsible for 3,000 deaths.


David Everly

Richard Clarke Speaks Out

Dick Clarke, despite the controversy, still looks amazingly good after all these years.


Thomas Smith

Richard Clarke Speaks Out

Richard Clarke was fixated on, even obsessed with, terrorists and terrorism. Do we really want people like that in our government?


Cynthia Lewis

U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

The National Sleep Foundation recently announced that American children are not getting enough sleep. What do you think?

I wake my son up four times a night for pulled-pork sandwiches and Bible study.


Steve Green

U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

This doesn't concern me personally, because I ain't got no damn kids by no woman on the other side of town.


Virginia Adams

U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

It's no surprise. The obese often have trouble sleeping.


Frank Gonzalez

U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

Parents, use child psychology to eradicate this problem. Tell your son or daughter, 'If you don't get enough sleep, the monster under your bed will eat you.'


Gregory King

U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

You know what else they're not getting? My goddamn Brandy Old Fashioned, that's what. You hear me, Tyler?


Stephen Harrison

U.S. Kids Sleep-Deprived

Maybe if they pulled up their damn pants for once, that would, um… Well, it would be a step in the right direction.


Frank Himmelbaum

Resistance In Iraq

A sudden surge in anti-occupation violence in Iraq has prompted some Americans to fear the coalition forces' control is slipping. What do you think?

A handful of kidnappings and a few armed insurrections doesn't mean we're losing control. It just means that we never really had control.


Mandy Wright

Resistance In Iraq

The insurgents are just jealous that we're part of an awesome coalition and they aren't.


Karl Wright

Resistance In Iraq

Bush did say we'd be welcomed with an open display of small arms.


Eric Baker

Resistance In Iraq

They're calling their latest operation 'Resolute Sword?' Shit. We have to change our band's name again.


Scott Waller

Resistance In Iraq

I hope for the sake of Iraq's children this doesn't lead to a civil war. Then those kids would have to watch boring documentaries about it in school for the next 200 years.


Dorothy Nelson

Resistance In Iraq

Well, everyone gets antsy around tax time.


Donna Alexander

McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

Last week, McDonald's announced plans to offer healthier menu items and encourage its customers to get more exercise. What do you think?

Their new 'infrasized meals,' where you can get one-third the food for an extra 99 cents, are definitely a step in the right direction.


Jesse Perry

McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

Every location should have an amusement-park-style plywood Grimace that says, 'You cannot enter this McDonald's if you're more than this wide.'


Martin Bryant

McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

Those McDonald's anti-obesity campaign materials are soon to be the prized possessions of every hipster from here to Tacoma.


Bobby Melvin

McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

I think it's brave. McDonald's is a very brave corporation.


Tonia Coleman

McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

I guess those playlands don't provide as solid a total-body workout as previously thought.


Adam H. Ross

McDonald's Unveils Healthier Image

Man, you can already smell the greasy stench of guilt every time you walk into a McDonald's. Do they have to lay more on?


Lois Foster

National Cyber Security

The Department of Homeland Security recently identified a serious Internet security flaw that could leave the web vulnerable to hackers. What do you think?

If someone can take down the Internet, our nation stands in grave danger of being massively inconvenienced.


Roy Benjamin

National Cyber Security

The danger is evident. We must post tanks at the entrances to all cyber cafes immediately.


Sean Hughes

National Cyber Security

We're safe, unless the hacker community finds out about this.


Aaron Brookings

National Cyber Security

Hmm. Maybe outsourcing all those programming jobs to Afghanistan was a bad idea, after all.


Lori Simmons

National Cyber Security

The terrorists have already put an end to free music downloads. What's next?


Russ Ward

National Cyber Security

My God! What would we do if there was no Internet? Go back to watching television?


Julie Hunt

The Social Security Time Bomb

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?

This certainly is bad news for the elderly, coming as it does on the heels of the Federal Aging and Ice Floes Act.


Donald Nelson

The Social Security Time Bomb

It's news like this that makes me wish I could stay 59 forever.


Jimmy Shaw

The Social Security Time Bomb

It's good I already have a taste for dog food.


Dan Cox

The Social Security Time Bomb

So much for my plan to live off Social Security while I travel the country banging Denny's cashiers in my Airstream.


Emily Holmes

The Social Security Time Bomb

This is really an economics issue. Were it, say, a women's-studies issue, I might have more insight to share.


Albert Robertson

The Social Security Time Bomb

Everybody, relax. We'll be fine as soon as we get our money back from Iraq.


Donald Stiles

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

Though the Bush Administration apologized for U.S. abuse of Iraqi prisoners, some feel the coalition's reputation has suffered irreparable damage. What do you think?

They wanted to provide Iraq with a smooth transition to democracy. We couldn't just plunge them into a non-torture-based society with no time to adjust.


Ricky Thomas

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

I'm sure Bush was deeply saddened by the fact that American soldiers were stupid enough to document their acts of cruelty.


Donna Amundson

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

Some people want to make military prisons into country clubs— instead of the S&M clubs they are now.


Charles Wolf

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

Thank God Saddam's in jail so he can't commit atrocities like this anymore.


Joseph  Spagnolia

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

It's not like they made a 70-year-old woman get down on all fours, then climbed on her back and called her a donkey. What? Oh, no.


Sheila Wooster

Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

If we hadn't tortured those prisoners, we could never have achieved the post-war stability Iraq is currently enjoying.


Pamela Turner

Fahrenheit 9-11

Disney recently blocked Miramax from releasing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-11, a film criticizing President Bush's handling of Sept. 11. What do you think?

Disney is afraid of controversy? But they were the first ones to point out how wrong it is to be an evil witch.


Jean Collins

Fahrenheit 9-11

I used to be a big fan of Michael Moore, until he turned all political.


Juan Sanchez

Fahrenheit 9-11

Moore's prominent presence in the news brings to light some serious questions, such as 'Can't he at least try to look presentable?'


Walter Reed

Fahrenheit 9-11

So Eisner, Moore, and the Weinsteins are involved in the story of Bush and bin Laden? Is anyone decent a part of this at all?


Sammy Campbell

Fahrenheit 9-11

Disney insists that it wants to remain apolitical, but that doesn't explain its controversial 1971 cartoon, Donald's Laos-y Cambodian Vacation.


Keith Scott

Fahrenheit 9-11

Why doesn't Michael Moore ever make documentaries about nice things, like where cotton candy comes from?


Gary Harless

Should Rumsfeld Resign?

As the investigation into abuses at Abu Ghraib prison continues, some Americans are urging Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to step down. What do you think?

Donald Rumsfeld can't be held responsible for the misdeeds of every last soldier who obeys his orders.


Karen Heck

Should Rumsfeld Resign?

Firing Rumsfeld is unnecessary. If we demote him to Secretary of Health and Human Services for a while, he'll fall into line.


Tammy Hainzlsperger

Should Rumsfeld Resign?

If anyone has the balls to fire Rumsfeld, I say go ahead.


Michael Paulson

Should Rumsfeld Resign?

Making Rumsfeld resign would be wrong, what with him being pregnant and all.


Joshua Anderson

Should Rumsfeld Resign?

Rumsfeld should be replaced with one of those peace-loving hackysack-kicking hippies that serve as his undersecretaries.


Richard Gehl

Should Rumsfeld Resign?

Look, if we start by holding one member of Bush's administration responsible for his actions, where's it all gonna end?


Janet Barker

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Last week, top U.S. officials warned that al-Qaeda plans to attack our country in the next few months. What do you think?

Those terrorists don't scare me. At least not without the help of my government.


Jacob Shafer

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Is this question about today's terror announcement, or the three last month, or the one they'll announce tomorrow?


Marlene Porter

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Well, Grandpa's been complaining about his shoulder lately, and that can only mean one thing.


Charles Sornsin

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Awesome! This will save me the trouble of killing myself!


Juan Axelson

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack


Timothy Seymour

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

I'm sorry, but if they attack us again, we're going to have to go after them this time.


Kristopher Williams

Tenet's Resignation

CIA Director George Tenet resigned last week, claiming that the decision was "personal"" and unconnected to recent controversies. What do you think?"

'Resign' is such an ugly word. Let's just agree to say that he was 'fired.'


David Polster

Tenet's Resignation

I know how he feels. I resigned from Pizza Hut for personal reasons after I got caught with 10 pounds of frozen Italian sausage in my backpack.


Joseph Spagnolia

Tenet's Resignation

It's too bad he has to go, but if it'll prevent Sept. 11 from ever having happened, I'm all for it.


Ilene Nash

Tenet's Resignation

I guess now we just sit back and wait until Tenet commits suicide by shooting himself multiple times in the back of the head.


James Morse

Tenet's Resignation

It's no surprise Tenet resigned for personal reasons, considering the strain he was under overseeing the CIA, attending night classes, and raising six kids all by himself.


Mary Myers

Tenet's Resignation

He put in seven years, and for what? A brass plaque that's actually a camera, and a gold watch that kills people.


Thomas Barnes

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

A multinational police team plans to patrol Internet chatrooms as part of a crackdown on child pornography and pedophilia. What do you think?

Police will be patrolling the Internet? They'll need to get the nation's top men on it— Readyman, Chillycheez, SatanicMechanic, and maybe even BeeBop77.


Sonya Treat

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

It's about time. As a market researcher, I'm sick of perverts in chatrooms propositioning me whenever I pretend to be an 11-year-old girl.


Douglas Emery

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

This is great news. I find child pornography sickening, but I am aroused by images of Belgians being led away in handcuffs.


Daphne Sports

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

An international anti-child-porn force would dramatically increase the possibilty of authorities rappelling in through skylights, which is good.


Jason Diaz

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

Shouldn't we be fighting terrorism, and not doing anything about anything else?


Eric Rhodes

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

That's going to be yet another weird government office to accidently wander into.


Michael Ellis

Private Space Travel

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?

If they develop a private space-travel vehicle, it'd better have some decent space-wireless access for my space-business-traveler needs.


Wayne Kupstis

Private Space Travel

There's already a flag on the moon, right? Might as well put a Wal-Mart behind that one, too.


Richard Gettier

Private Space Travel

Is this part of that Bush Mars plan that he mentioned, like, once?


LeeAnn Misek

Private Space Travel

I suppose the flight is ushering in a new era of some sort that could change the way we view space travel, I guess.


Chad Devore

Private Space Travel

I can hear the radio transmission now. 'Outback Steakhouse, your place for steaks and family fun, we have a problem.'


Maryann Lahr

Private Space Travel

Hey, any idea that involves blasting the wealthiest .01 percent of the population into the cold, lifeless vacuum of space is all right by me.


Danielle Strohkirch

The Interest-Rate Hike

Last week, the Federal Reserve raised a key short-term interest rate for the first time in four years. What do you think?

It's about time Greenspan got off his duff and did something other than sit around the office all day analyzing market indicators.


Justin Fillmore

The Interest-Rate Hike

As long as the rate hike makes it tougher for terrorists to afford the tools of terror, I'll support it.


Michael Eighmy

The Interest-Rate Hike

Perfect. Just perfect. First my wife leaves me, then my son dies in a car accident, and now this?


Tony Fields

The Interest-Rate Hike

Classic move by the Fed Chief there. Man, Greenspan—gotta love him.


Jason Forst

The Interest-Rate Hike

The lenders should fight the Feds and refuse to raise the rates. Come on, America. We can do this.


Christine Cain

The Interest-Rate Hike

How does the Federal Reserve sleep at night? More to the point, how does it stay awake during the day?


Kenneth Ridener

Does Iran Pose A Threat?

While Iran did free the British sailors it detained last month, the country is still threatening to restart its nuclear program. What do you think?

So a country in the Mideast has been acting irrationally? I guess that's news.


Donald Stiles

Does Iran Pose A Threat?

Like it or not, the time to stop this is right now, before we're forced to restore the Soviet Union and beat them at hockey again.


Brenda Stearns

Does Iran Pose A Threat?

Remember the good old days when Iran and Iraq were always at war with each other, and nobody else gave a shit who won or lost?


Alfredo Mireles

Does Iran Pose A Threat?

As the manager of the long-forgotten '80s sensation A Flock Of Seagulls, this can only be good for me.


Jeffrey Eubanks

Does Iran Pose A Threat?

Show me where the U.N. charter states that sovereign nations have the right to behave like the U.S.


Karla Finik

Does Iran Pose A Threat?

Should we take action against Iran? We just liberated them. Check your facts before asking stupid questions.


David Price

Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

Researchers recently said that the chimpanzee, hunted for meat and threatened by deforestation, could be extinct in 50 years. What do you think?


Ravi Klun

Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

As a poacher, whenever I catch a chimp, I just throw it back. I'm after the tastier marmosets.


Inez Rahman

Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

Well, I say it's one less species who will masturbate in public. Good riddance!


Wade Caho Jr.

Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

What?! Oh, chimps. I thought you said 'chicks.' Shit. Wow. For a second there… fuck.


Robert Hegeman

Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

Crap! We'd better remake The Barefoot Executive now, before it's too late.


Dorothee Fochs

Chimps In Danger Of Extinction

They're being hunted for meat? Are chimp fajitas any good?


Laurie Fredette

The 9/11 Panel Report

The 9/11 Commission's final report, released last week, cited many failures on the part of the U.S. government. What do you think?

I read the whole report cover to cover. Turns out it was terrorists.


Matthew Dort

The 9/11 Panel Report

Osama, Osama, Osama! Can't we have a commission about something nice for a change?


Ralph Gagliano

The 9/11 Panel Report

I'm glad it's over. The way that investigation was dragging on, I was almost beginning to wish that 9/11 had never even happened.


Joseph Jones

The 9/11 Panel Report

I wrote a report about 8/20 that I think you should read. It's called My Birthday And What I Want For It.


Karen Farr

The 9/11 Panel Report

Great timing! I just finished Bergdorf Blondes, and I've been looking for another good beach read.


Jeffery Koeshal

The 9/11 Panel Report

Eh, the whole thing is pretty tame. Now, Ken Starr—there was a man who could write a juicy report.


Stacy Heckel

The Crisis In Sudan

The U.S. has threatened economic action against the Sudanese government if it fails to disarm Arab militias, but some doubt it will curb the violence. What do you think?

If we help these people now, we'll have to help them every time their women are being raped by the thousands and their children are being slaughtered like cattle.


Daniel Mears

The Crisis In Sudan

Another African genocide? All right, I'll care—but this is absolutely the last time.


Jeremy Larson

The Crisis In Sudan

When dealing with genocide, you must ask yourself, "What would Hitler do?"" And then


George Wolf

The Crisis In Sudan

That reminds me. I could use a nice new sedan. Hell, I deserve one.


Mark Garrett

The Crisis In Sudan

Wait. Is this a real genocide or just one of those reality-TV celebrity genocides?


Gina Grunwald

The Crisis In Sudan

Well, I don't want to sound overly partisan here. But tentatively, yes, I do oppose genocide.


Rudy Garcia

Recreational Viagra Use

According to a recent study, recreational use of Viagra is on the rise among younger men who don't suffer from impotence. What do you think?

Is having sex for 48 hours straight some kind of a game to these people?


Douglas Hirtz

Recreational Viagra Use

At last, a medical miracle to eliminate the 3 percent of the time 20-year-olds don't have erections.


Lawrence Hardin

Recreational Viagra Use

The young people should just stick to the marijuana and the goofballs and let their elders have their Viagra.


Rhonda Hansen

Recreational Viagra Use

This is what happens when the increasingly conservative young people go emulating Bob Dole.


William Knotz

Recreational Viagra Use

Wow, there's an illicit market for these pills? And all this time, I've foolishly been using them to try to satisfy my wife.


Jane Setzer

Recreational Viagra Use

If kids today just pop a pill every time they want an erection, how are they going to learn valuable pussy-eating skills?


Michael Harlson

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

Last week, California's Supreme Court voided about 4,000 same-sex marriages performed by the mayor of San Francisco earlier this year. What do you think?

The court struck every single one down? Well, that makes the failure rate for gay marriages almost double that of straight marriages.


Mark Jacobsen

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

Oh… well… oh, geez. I'm no good at talking about all this mushy stuff.


Kathleen Hayes

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

In addition to being overturned legally, were these marriages officially annulled in the eyes of God? If not, these people could be condemned to hell!


Jan Gorman

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

I had five weddings to attend in October, but now it's only three. That doesn't seem like much less, but believe me, it really helps.


Charles Lopez

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

Did you hear this, Rod and Keenan? I want those wine glasses back!


Chris Gerber

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

Just to clarify, sodomy's still legal, isn't it? Well, all right then.


Rick Lembecker

The Widening Income Gap

According to a recent report based on census data, the gap between the rich and poor widened in 2003. What do you think?

Good. I was having a hard time telling the rich and poor apart.


Andrew Meijor

The Widening Income Gap

What does 'rich' or 'poor' even mean? And before you start, I don't want to hear any of that 'annual household income' nonsense.


Sheila Reed

The Widening Income Gap

Sure, the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. But the great untold story is that the people in the exact middle are becoming a whole lot middler, too.


Gary Wundrow

The Widening Income Gap

If this keeps up, I might finally be able to hire myself a white maid.


Kimberly Szaflarski

The Widening Income Gap

I realize that, historically, phrases like 'massive redistribution of wealth' are usually accompanied by rivers of blood. That said, it's about time for a massive redistribution of wealth.


David Martinovich

The Widening Income Gap

Bottom line is, you're not buying this lawn mower.


Jennifer Gerber

Many Lack Potable Water

According to a recent U.N. report, more than one billion people worldwide lack access to clean drinking water. What do you think?

The law of nature is 'adapt or die.' If those one billion people want to survive, they'll just have to evolve past the need to drink water.


Jesse Miller

Many Lack Potable Water

Yesterday, I poured a bunch of water down the drain after cooking some pasta. I could've helped an African with that water. I'm so stupid!


Mark Kunde

Many Lack Potable Water

This problem will be gone as soon as the earth's temperature increases enough to boil the world's lakes and streams, effectively sterilizing them.


Kristin Leffe

Many Lack Potable Water

I'm sorry, but if these people are too lazy to refill their Brita pitchers…


Mark Henley

Many Lack Potable Water

When I was a kid growing up in Love Canal, we didn't have uncontaminated water. Did we complain about it? No. We just shut up and got cancer.


Jeffrey Larsen

Many Lack Potable Water

Thus we see the first tremors of what history will someday call 'The Volvic Wars.'


Sandy Miller

Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

Last week, prosecutors dropped the felony sexual-assault charge against basketball star Kobe Bryant. What do you think?

Well, there you have it. The system works.


Amy O'Keefe

Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

All you people who have been clamoring for a pro athlete who's not a convicted felon, here's your man.


James Tompkins

Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

At last, Kobe is vindicated before the eyes of the nation: He's not a rapist; he just constantly cheats on his wife.


Eric Mills

Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

He's still guilty of losing to the no-name Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals.


Michael Bartko

Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

Every time a black man gets famous, they try to drag him down. But every time a woman asserts herself, they call her a slut. So I'm torn.


Jeffrey Larsen

Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

Could they at least tell us if he did it or not?


James Farwell

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

The 10-year-old federal law banning the sale of 19 types of semiautomatic assault weapons expired Monday. What do you think?

Finally, I can bring ol' Missy out of hiding. Come on out, Missy. Daddy says it's safe now.


Tammy Graves

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

The people who want assault weapons banned can't provide any evidence that they're used for criminal activity. See, you can't use common sense as evidence.


Liza Redding

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

When we enacted this ban in 1994, it was an important step to protect our children. Now that our children are grown up and off at college, it's not such a pressing issue.


Sam Li

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

Hey, if I could turn the clock back to a time before titanium deer with full electronic countermeasures, I would. But face it, I need this Kalashnikov.


Daniel Moore

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

This is mainly a semantic problem. If assault rifles were called 'fun rifles' or 'quick rifles,' there wouldn't be all this outrage.


Jim Mertens

Assault-Weapons Ban Expires

If the criminals are going to have assault rifles, I should, too. Actually, can I have a better one than they do?


Sheila Wooster

Antidepressant Use In Children

Last week, the FDA announced that children who take antidepressants face an increased risk of suicide, but some doctors dispute the claim. What do you think?

That's why I give my kid St. John's Wort. At least it's not gonna make my kid kill himself, even if it doesn't work for shit.


Russell Bigelow

Antidepressant Use In Children

As a despised father, I believe suicide is just a smokescreen for America's real problem—patricide.


David Zarnke

Antidepressant Use In Children

Kids with depression see through all the bullshit that everyone else accepts. The Prozac just gives them the clarity of mind to follow through with what they need to do.


Lazaro Padron

Antidepressant Use In Children

Conversely, I read that kids placed on depressants are spontaneously bursting into joyful choreographed song-and-dance routines in town squares nationwide.


Eric Morarend

Antidepressant Use In Children

What do people expect with kids being fed the Yu-Gi-Oh! and the Dragonball Z and the whole Japanese cultural imperative to save face through ritualistic seppuku?


Denise Parham

Antidepressant Use In Children

Goddamn little brats! They want something to kill themselves about? I'll give them something to kill themselves about.


Carl Preston

Iraq Hostages

Extremists in Iraq continue to use hostage-taking to convey their message, leaving much of the world wondering what can be done. What do you think?

Why don't we make hostage-taking punishable by the death penalty? Then everyone would think twice before doing it.


Dave Rudd

Iraq Hostages

I'll tell you, I'm about six or seven beheadings away from demanding some answers about what's going on in Iraq.


Roger Monroe

Iraq Hostages

I'd like to think that if the situation were reversed, we here in Schaumburg wouldn't treat our hostages this way.


Dora Drucker

Iraq Hostages

If I ever got beheaded, I would make sure the geyser of blood would stain my captors' clothing so they'd have to throw it out. Take that, terrorists!


Bea Larson

Iraq Hostages

As a State Department official, let me say that bargaining with terrorists is unacceptable. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause for the hostages.


Chet Johnson

Iraq Hostages

We should just shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out. That's God, mind you, not Allah.


Jerry Collins

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Last week, a federal judge deemed a Patriot Act provision that allowed the FBI to secretly obtain Internet and telephone records unconstitutional. What do you think?

If John Ashcroft hadn't personally been doing all the searches, I would've felt a little more comfortable about them.


Jason Green

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Thank God that Internet-records part was struck down. If the government ever found out that I bought Bring It On from Amazon, I'd die of embarrassment.


Alice Morrison

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

Wait a second. The rest of the Patriot Act is still okay?


Albert Cook

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

I'm glad the provision was deemed illegal, because it would've forced my phone provider to lie to me. I just couldn't handle knowing that Verizon had lied to me.


Carl Perez

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

The Patriot Act never made sense to me. Aren't the Republicans proponents of small government? Hey! Where are you taking me?


Katherine Kane

Secret Searches Ruled Illegal

That's the way these things happen. First, they overturn one little clause, then they whittle away at the rest. Before you know it, our civil liberties will be totally restored.


Harold Mercer

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

Last week, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan set up a commission to determine whether genocide has taken place in the Darfur region of Sudan. What do you think?

So this might have been a genocide after all, and not a civil war in which only one side was fighting.


Amber Hughes

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

I think the U.N. is going to find that the blame lies with all the Sudanese rap music that glamorizes genocide.


Tom Cook

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

I don't know why the U.N. is getting involved in the first place. I also don't know what 'U.N.' stands for.


Patrick Zink

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

I think the entire world will breathe a sigh of relief if the U.N. finds that it is not genocide. Well, everyone except for the half-million people who were murdered there.


Teodoro Manzo

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

Darfur, Darfur, Darfur. That's all you ever hear these days. That, and the ongoing slaughter of civilians at the hands of government troops and Maoist rebels in Nepal.


Norma Carrigan

U.N. To Look For Genocide In Darfur

I sure hope the U.N. determines it was a genocide. Otherwise, none of the Sudanese will be covered under their genocide insurance.


Peggy Knight

Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal

Last week, a Fox News Channel producer sued Bill O'Reilly for sexual harassment, alleging that the cable host pressured her into phone sex. What do you think?

Someone's coming at Bill O'Reilly with lurid public accusations of a heinous personal nature? Wow. Sometimes life can be so… fair.


Jonathan Warren

Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal

He wasn't sexually harassing her. He was just looking out for her, like he's doing for all of us, all the time.


Shawn Jiminez

Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal

No wonder it costs $3.99 a minute to call in to 'The Factor.'


Curtis Fletcher

Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal

Whether Andrea Mackris' claims are true or false, one thing is certain—that woman is never working for the vast right-wing conspiracy again.


Andy Vaughn

Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal

This is just another example of the liberal media's bias against self-destructive, narcissistic, screaming sexist assholes.


Cindy Beck

Bill O'Reilly Sex Scandal

Just once, I'd like to hear about a sex scandal with honest-to-God penetration.


Sara Simpson

Return Of The Draft?

As the war in Iraq drags on, some Americans fear reinstatement of the military draft. What do you think?

Well, okay. As long as it's only a small draft and then they promise to stop.


Leonard Robertson

Return Of The Draft?

A draft would be great. Going down there to sign myself up would be such a hassle.


James Sanders

Return Of The Draft?

If I get drafted, I hope they put me on one of the swift boats. From what I gather, those guys are never in any danger.


Johnny Grant

Return Of The Draft?

If I must submit to a draft, I hope I'm not picked by Cincinnati.


Chris Daniels

Return Of The Draft?

Well, no one is getting drafted until after the election, so there's no use worrying about it now.


Carmen Rice

Return Of The Draft?

That's it. I'm voting for the candidate who would flip-flop on sending my son to die, rather than the one who'd do it without hesitation.


Allen Palmer

Red Sox Break Curse

Last week, the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, breaking a "curse"" that has persisted since 1918. What do you think?"

So the curse only lasted 86 years, huh? I guess the ol' Bambino wasn't as powerful a necromancer as we thought.


Lacey Swain

Red Sox Break Curse

It's good to know that the World Series isn't just about which team has the highest payroll. The Red Sox are proof that you can spend the second most and still become champions.


Jesse Ramos

Red Sox Break Curse

This should bring hope to our military, which has not won a decisive victory in almost 60 years.


Edna Crawford

Red Sox Break Curse

The curse is broken. Alas, my own curse, the one which exists for all women since Eve's fall, persists to this very day.


Tony Mills

Red Sox Break Curse

Wow. Does this mean baseball can end now?