Jenny Carrapa

Justin Bieber Sells Rights To Music Catalog For $200 Million

Pop star Justin Bieber has sold the rights to his music to Blackstone-backed Hipgnosis Songs Capital for $200 million, making the 28-year-old Baby and Love Yourself artist one of the youngest superstars to cash in on his life's work. What do you think?

He'll regret that when he sees how they commercialize his stuff.


Ian Cervantes

But he wrote those songs specifically for me!


Clinton Peters

Facebook, Instagram End Trump's Suspension From Platforms

Meta has announced that Donald Trump's Facebook and Instagram accounts will be reinstated, two years after he was suspended over incendiary posts about the Jan. 6 riot at the Capitol. What do you think?

Do people even still use Facebook and Instagram to overthrow the government?


Frank Bell

I guess Facebook won't be just the cold hard facts anymore.


Teighan Callahan

It will be interesting to see if he still thinks Chris Christie is fat.


Brent Hamlin

FDA Moves To Ease Blood Donation Rules For Gay And Bisexual Men

The Food and Drug Administration has proposed easing blood donation guidelines for gay and bisexual men, doing away with the current three-month abstinence requirement for donations from men who have sex with men. What do you think?

But what if a life-saving transfusion from a gay man forces me to examine my prejudices?


Damien Cicchelli

I guess they got all the homophobia out of their system with the Monkeypox coverage.


Audrey Davila

I'm glad we're doing away with the last remaining shred of anti-gay prejudice in our society.


Emerret Martin

Study Shows Humans Still Have Genes To Grow Full Coat Of Body Hair

A new study shows that humans have the genes for a full coat of body hair that evolution has rendered inactive, a discovery that may someday be used to treat millions of balding Americans. What do you think?


Marisela Khan

Naked skin had plenty of time to make its case.


Shayne Benveniste

Hopefully it doesn't switch back on before my big date tonight.


Jarrett Garcia

25 Arrested In Fake Nursing School Diploma Scheme

Federal agents have arrested 25 suspects accused of selling fake nursing degrees to thousands of students who then used the bogus diplomas to take licensing exams in several states, including Florida, New York, New Jersey, and Texas. What do you think?

That's why it's easier to consider all medical professionals frauds.


Evan Jackson

To think that I trusted these people with my urine.


Hope Tomberlin

It's a shame people don't want to put in the effort to cheat their way through school anymore.


Brent Hubbard

George Santos To Recuse Self From House Committees

Embattled New York Rep. George Santos (R) informed GOP colleagues in a closed-door meeting that he will recuse himself from serving on House committees amid ongoing scrutiny about his background and questions about his future in Congress. What do you think?

If you're going to lie your way to the top, at least do something when you get there.


Paula Murphy

With his impressive resume, I'm sure he'll bounce back in no time.


Elijah Felker

29-Year-Old Woman Arrested For Posing As High School Student

A 29-year-old woman has been arrested after allegedly using a forged birth certificate to enroll at a local high school, attending classes for four days before staff found out her age. What do you think?

No way she fakes her way into a good college now.


Bo Hammerman

Yeah, it's hard to make friends as an adult.


Gregory Terhune

Scientists Reverse Aging Process In Mice

In a recent study, scientists were able to alter the genetic structures of DNA in mice to either accelerate or reverse effects of aging like deteriorating eyesight, smaller attention span, and skin tissue falters. What do you think?

This could solve the huge burden many Americans face of caring for their mice into old age.


Mona Alwan

It's exciting that we could see a world where mice live into their 10s.


Lenny Cartere

Jesus Christ, can't I just die already?!


Blake Samuel

Tom Brady Retires Again

Seven-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady has announced his second retirement from the NFL a year after announcing it the first time and after a regular season in which his Buccaneers finished with an 8-9 record. What do you think?

Years from now he'll be remembered as one of Gisele's top five relationships, hands down.


Georgia Szpack

Tom Brady Retires Again

I wish him luck with whatever fails to satisfy him next.


Mitchell Sirk

Tom Brady Retires Again

That's not enough, you have to cut off his head to make sure he stays retired.


Simone Wittich

President Biden To End Covid-19 Emergencies May 11

President Joe Biden informed Congress on Monday that he will end the twin national emergencies for addressing Covid-19 on May 11, as most of the world has returned closer to normality nearly three years after they were first declared. What do you think?

America is ready to move onto its next preventable national emergency.


Dan Meiselas

I thought only Congress could end Covid.


Dennis Wimberly

It's hard to believe we were all so scared of a virus that's only killed millions of people and hasn't been eradicated yet.


Anthony Schlosser

Lawmakers Propose Letting Prisoners Donate Organs For Reduced Sentences

Massachusetts Democrats have proposed a bill that would allow prisoners to donate their organs for reduced sentences, giving people up to a year off their prison sentence on the condition that the incarcerated individual has donated bone marrow or organ(s). What do you think?

If I donate my entire digestive system, I could be home by Christmas.


Otto Galloway

That's awful! Surely there's a way to get prisoners to contribute without giving them freedom.


Phyllis Meacham

Every American should have the freedom to exchange organs for basic human rights.


Beatrice Rodovsky

Suburban School Worker Charged With Stealing $1.5 Million Worth Of Chicken Wings

A former head of food services at a south suburban school district has been charged in a massive embezzlement scheme in which she allegedly stole more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings valued at $1.5 million over a 19-month period. What do you think?

Yeah, but that's only, like, eight pounds of actual meat.


Ezra Luanda

I thought only rich people were allowed to steal from hungry kids.


Jaysen Sella

If she can eat them all in one sitting, she's free to go.


Jason Gilbert

Man Sues Woman For 'Emotional Trauma' After Rejecting Him

A man in Singapore has filed a lawsuit against a woman for $3 million, claiming that she caused emotional trauma to his life when she told him she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with him. What do you think?

This will be a cute story to tell their grandkids.


Colleen Pawel

This seems like just the thing that will ultimately win her over.


Jeff Whitfield

I worry about being countersued for only talking about myself at dinner.


Noah Talwar

Patient Who Was Declared Dead Found Still Alive In Body Bag

A continuing care home in Des Moines, IA has been fined $10,000 after funeral home workers discovered that a 66-year-old woman declared dead by the facility was still alive in a body bag. What do you think?


Dom Simanowitz

I hope this doesn't discourage old people from dying.


Sanya Asnani

Doesn't she get some of the blame for being alive?


Russ Melendez

Biden Delivers State Of The Union

President Biden, two years into his term and facing a Republican-led House for the first time, delivered his State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress last night. What did you think of the speech?

There wasn't enough groveling to me specifically.


Kelly DiToma

Biden Delivers State Of The Union

I hope I'm giving State of the Union speeches that good when I'm 80.


Griffith Feldman

Biden Delivers State Of The Union

He puts on a good show, but everyone knows he's lip-syncing.


Kiki Gerard

AMC Theatres To Change Movie Ticket Prices Based On Seat Location

AMC Theatres will be rolling out Sightline at AMC, a ticket-pricing initiative that charges moviegoers based on seat location within the auditorium, similar to how seats are priced for concerts and sporting events. What do you think?

Just tell me what it's gonna take to get a clean seat.


Dennis Markley

Yeah, the airlines and Ticketmaster seem like the right companies to be emulating.


Michael Hinkamp

It's about time people who don't make a lot of money get penalized for it.


Brandon Corbett

Late Late Show' Canceled After Almost 30 Years On CBS

The Late Late Show, hosted by James Corden, has reportedly been canceled after nearly 30 years of broadcasting, with CBS planning to reboot the Comedy Central series @midnight as a replacement. What do you think?

Whatever that other show is, it can't be as edgy as Corden.


Gabe Nesper

I just hope they euthanize James Corden humanely.


Molly Himann

Some waiter's going to catch hell for this when Corden hears.


Ellen MacArthur

Couple Leaves Baby At Airport Check-In After Refusing To Buy Child Ticket

A couple rushing to catch a flight abandoned their baby at an airport check-in desk in Tel Aviv after being told they would need to buy a separate ticket for the child. What do you think?

Well, at least this means the other passengers got to enjoy a quiet trip.


Derek Robison

I'm sure they can pick it up at lost and found when they return.


Milton Edwards

Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII

The Kansas City Chiefs captured their second championship in four seasons after Harrison Butker kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl LVII to secure a 38-35 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.What do you think?

There's nothing sweeter than watching the heir to an oil fortune hoist a trophy his employees won.


Ken Agoh

Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII

My heart breaks thinking about all those cars that will go unflipped in Philadelphia today.


Tracy Binger

Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII

But the true winners of last night's Super Bowl were the Kansas City Chiefs.


Amie Gardner

Nation Celebrates Valentine's Day

Across the nation, millions of Americans will be celebrating romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How are you celebrating Valentine's Day?

Oh, my partner and I decided to stop giving each other love years ago.


Deshawn Baki

Nation Celebrates Valentine's Day


Rafael James

Nation Celebrates Valentine's Day

I'll be selflessly serving food to underprivileged singles.


Lance Wu

Dianne Feinstein Announces She Won't Run For Reelection in 2024

Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein (CA) announced that she will not run for reelection in 2024, ending her 50-year career in politics. What do you think?

I hope this means she's running for president.


Brianna DeCotis

She'll always go down as one of the senators we had at one point.


Terrence Sagers

One thing you can say for sure: she is technically alive.


Mark Oataway

Wyoming Republicans Criticize Bill Raising Legal Marriage Age To 18

The Wyoming Republican Party is criticizing a bill that seeks to implement a minimum age requirement for marriage, saying in an email to members that the proposed law denies the fundamental purpose of marriage as well as parental rights. What do you think?

As a parent it's my right to marry off my underage daughter to the highest bidder.


Timothy Brannan

If a 12-year-old can drink alcohol and serve in the military, she's old enough to get married.


Gordon Aguilar

I've always dreamed of pushing my daughter's stroller down the aisle.


Trevor Mauk

U.S. Credit Card Debt Reaches Record High

According to a new report, Americans' credit card balances increased by $61 billion to $986 billion in the last quarter of 2022, the highest quarterly growth on record, with the data showing payment delinquencies on the rise as well. What do you think?

But that's offset by owning a record amount of shit we don't need.


Dean Cobina

Male Birth Control That Paralyzes Sperm For 2 Hours 100% Effective In Lab Mice

A new drug that temporarily paralyzes sperm for more than two hours was found to be 100% effective in preventing pregnancy in lab mice and resulted in no adverse side effects, paving the way for a possible on-demand oral contraceptive for men. What do you think?

Not so helpful for those of us who ejaculate for three hours.


Riley Aulgur

I look forward to thinking up an excuse for not taking it.


Cecilia Maher

So you just eat the mice and then have sex?


Max Welch

Catalytic Converter Stolen From Oscar Mayer Wienermobile

Thieves stole the catalytic converter from the iconic Oscar Mayer Wienermobile while it was parked overnight during a promotional visit for the Super Bowl in Las Vegas last week. What do you think?


Alice Collins

This is why there should be more infrastructure to support Weinercycles.


Prakhar Sabbat

Just imagine how much they could get for the bun.


Carrie Abelardo

Over 100 Children Found Working Hazardous Jobs At Slaughterhouses

The Labor Department found that a major U.S. sanitation company illegally employed at least 102 children as young as 13 at over a dozen slaughterhouses in jobs that had them using caustic chemicals to clean razor-sharp saws. What do you think?

I thought we evolved to where companies kept this stuff hidden better.


Vincenzo Cuz

This is on them for not learning how to code.


Chris Youssef

Just give it to me straight: how many minors have I eaten?


Ray DeMartino

Alabama Taking Steps Toward Using Nitrogen As Execution Method

Alabama officials say they are close to completing a protocol for using inert gas asphyxiation to carry out executions, a method that would force an individual to only breathe in nitrogen, depriving them of the oxygen needed to maintain bodily functions. What do you think?

If too many people die in agony for no reason, we can always revisit.


Alan Narvey

Just when I thought this country had come up with every possible way to kill its citizens.


Nina Cipollo

There has to be a more inhumane method of execution.


Gracie Bolufe

First Generation iPhone Sells For $63,0000

A factory-sealed, first-generation iPhone sold at auction for $63,356.40, more than 100 times its original price, after a woman was gifted the phone in 2007, but never opened it because she didn't want to get rid of her other phone. What do you think?

Why? It's just going to be phased out by the iPhone 2 at auction in a couple years.


Colton Shaw

To think that phone is so old that some of the people who assembled it are adults now.


Bharat Tate

This is why I leave all my electronics, toys, furniture, and food in its original packaging.


Remy Sokolov

2,000-Year-Old Roman Sex Toy Found In England

Experts say that a nearly 2,000-year-old wooden, penis-shaped object that was recently discovered in England could have served as a sexual tool by ancient Romans in Britain. What do you think?

We're closer than ever to confirming that ancient people had genitals.


Renee Adkins

The intense, pulsating vibrations were probably a dead give away.


Adeel Youmir

So embarrassing when an archaeologist stumbles on your dildo.


Abby Chilton

Russia Suspends Only Remaining Major Nuclear Treaty With U.S.

Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be suspending the New START nuclear arms reduction treaty with the United States when it expires in 2026, imperiling the last remaining pact that regulates the world's two largest nuclear arsenals. What do you think?

Good. I'm sick of my bunker just sitting there collecting dust.


Mathieu Hyden

Excessive government regulation like this only stops the nuclear war sector from growing and innovating.


Scott Doscher

Well, we've tried not having a nuclear war, and look where it got us.


Lamar Headen

Survey Finds Americans Have $21 Billion In Unspent Gift Cards

A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think?

What a waste of so many thoughtless gifts.


Eric Borreguero

How else do people expect someone to save for retirement?


Keesha Sheffield

Oh, I thought that was just a piece of plastic with the word 'Sephora' on it.


Miri Sutton

One In 8 Americans Over 50 Addicted To Highly Processed Foods

A new poll found that one in eight adults between the ages of 50 and 80 reported signs of addiction to highly processed foods, with symptoms including intense cravings, inability to cut down intake despite a desire to do so, and signs of withdrawal. What do you think?

I'm certain this ties back to being poor and lazy somehow.


Antoine James

Honestly thought the food would've killed me before I got that old.


Mac Dutton

Well I wish I'd known before I ate something.


Eva Freeman

Penguin To Publish 'Classic' Roald Dahl Books After Censorship Backlash

Publisher Penguin Random House announced it will release a new collection of Roald Dahl's children's novels in their original form after it received criticism for cuts and rewrites removing language that may be offensive to some modern-day readers. What do you think?


Andre Ostkamp

I'm just disgusted that Roald Dahl has been silent on the matter.


Keith Anolin

I still wish they kept out the parts aimed at me by name.


Kiara Hartley

Scientists Discover New Core At Center Of Earth

Researchers have confirmed the existence of a distinct structure inside our planet's inner core, saying the newly discovered innermost inner core is a solid ball of iron and nickel about 800 miles wide that could help inform the evolution of Earth's magnetic field. What do you think?


Calvin Soldz

I knew I felt something beneath my feet.


Ryan Eriquez

Covid-Era Food Stamp Benefits End

The expansion of SNAP benefits, also known as food stamps, that were put in place during the height of the Covid-19 pandemic is ending, pushing about 32 million Americans off a hunger cliff. What do you think?

They had almost three years to find an alternative to food.


Faima Brown

Covid-Era Food Stamp Benefits End

It wouldn't be fair if they got to be sick and poor.


Travis Lennon

Covid-Era Food Stamp Benefits End

Tell me about it, my Applebee's gift card just expired.


Marvin Clemons

Dilbert' Comic Strip Dropped After Racist Rant By Creator Scott Adams

The company that distributes Dilbert has cut ties with creator Scott Adams after he made racist remarks about Black Americans in a YouTube video that led hundreds of newspapers across the country to drop the satirical cartoon. What do you think?

This makes me wonder which other openly racist public figures are secretly racist.


Clark Fontenot

Wow, I can't believe the country still somehow has hundreds of newspapers.


Connie Leeland

Is it okay to dislike the artist, but also dislike the art?


Kayla Dennin

European Space Agency Proposes New Time Zone For Moon

The European Space Agency proposed a new time zone for the Moon, saying there is a need to establish some synchronicity in how we tell time on the Moon as many countries race to explore it. What do you think?

Good, I'll need to know what time Chicago Fire will be airing next time I'm on the moon.


Dorian Sadler

This feels like something the Moon's citizens should decide.


Allie Moreno

Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Asked To Vacate U.K. Home

Buckingham Palace has asked Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to vacate Frogmore Cottage, a 17th-century manor on the grounds of Windsor Castle that the couple intended to keep as their U.K. base when they gave up royal duties and moved to Southern California. What do you think?


Anand Laghari

Just when I thought they couldn't get any more relatable.


Darryl Federspiel

Damn, I was hoping me and my various housekeepers, valets, cooks, and chauffeur could crash with them for a while.


Lucas Dupuy

Man Sets World Record Visiting Disneyland Nearly 3,000 Days In A Row

A 50-year-old California man has been certified a Guinness World Record holder after visiting Disneyland nearly 2,995 times in a row, with his streak beginning in 2012 and ending when the park closed for the pandemic in 2020. What do you think?


Chelsea Holloway

I wonder how he'll celebrate his record.


Greg Kerkevold

Yeah, but I bet my fingernails are longer.


Gabe Villamarzo

Japan Discovers 7,000 New Islands It Didn't Know It Had

The Geospatial Information Authority of Japan recently revealed an updated map of the nation showing 7,000 new islands added to the region, an increase officials attribute to advances in surveying technology and the detail of the maps used for the count. What do you think?


Sidharth Famika

This is really making me question how many islands I actually own.


Charissa Krizek

Congratulations to all the crabs and turtles that are now naturalized Japanese citizens.


Ed Denisov

200 Human Rights Groups Urge U.N. To Intervene Over U.S. Abortion Access

Almost 200 human rights organizations are urging the United Nations to intervene to ensure the United States protects reproductive rights, saying the decision to overturn Roe v. Wade contravenes the U.S.'s international obligations as a U.N. member organization. What do you think?

We can't let outsiders impose human dignity on us.


Valentina Barranco

Can the U.N. intervene to get me dental too?


Jeloni Marx

Sorry, human rights are something we lecture other people about.


Don Navarro

Tennessee Bans Drag Show Performances On Public Property

Tennessee's governor signed a new bill that bans adult cabaret entertainment on public property or in locations where it can be viewed by minors, threatening drag performers with a misdemeanor charge or a felony if it's a repeat offense. What do you think?

This won't intimidate anyone tough enough to do drag in Tennessee to begin with.


Gene Pavlo

I can rest easy in the knowledge this isn't the first stage of an anti-LGBT slippery slope.


Mariana Salva

But the Founding Fathers built this nation on the grounds of serving cunt!


Maya Conker

Walgreens Announces Stores Won't Sell Abortion Pills In 21 GOP-Led States

Walgreens announced that it will not carry abortion pills in several GOP-led states after receiving pressure from anti-abortion lawmakers and lawsuits targeting the legality of medication abortion. What do you think?

I already get my abortion pills from a teenager who works at Pizza Hut anyway.


Xander Hernandez

Can we please not have a culture war at the same place where I purchase my Pokémon cards?


Garrett Andersen

I shall be purchasing my meth ingredients elsewhere.


Gloria Dupree

Kellyanne And George Conway Announce Divorce

Former Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway and husband George Conway, a lawyer and frequent Trump critic, have announced they are divorcing after more than two decades of marriage. What do you think?

I hoped their shared awfulness would make up for their political differences.


Juan Campos

I just hope they take a moment to think about their brands.


Najeem Wolff

Too many awful marriages end in divorce.


Jasmine Emas

Toblerone Drops Iconic Design Due To Rules On 'Swissness'

Toblerone will drop images of the Matterhorn and Swiss flag from its packaging to avoid violating Swiss laws that protect national symbols after the company moved some production abroad to Slovakia. What do you think?


Theo Castine

This isn't something Switzerland can just let slide like Nazism.


Alfred Clark

That's a shame. Nothing tastes better than Swiss-made packaging.


Diego Gardner

Arkansas Gov. Huckabee Sanders Signs Law Rolling Back Child Labor Protections

Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders (R) signed legislation into law that removes the age verification process for children entering the workforce. What do you think?


Hamid Qureshi

Perfect! Nothing tuckers my little guy out for bedtime like an 11-hour steel mill shift.


Lauren Espinosa

Well, they're going to need that money to take care of those babies they'll be forced to have.


Omar Shearer

McConnell Hospitalized After Fall At Dinner Event In D.C. Hotel

Eighty-one-year-old Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping during a private dinner event at a D.C. hotel and remains hospitalized for a few days of observation and treatment. What do you think?

Thankfully he'll receive the premium healthcare he's fought so hard to deny everyone else.


Roger Morant

Just think how much worse it could have been if this happened to one of the older Senators.


Janae Carlson

I hope they remember to dock his pay for the hours he misses at work.


Aisha Searle

2 Men Arrested After Killing Bald Eagle They Planned On Eating

Two men face federal criminal charges after authorities said they entered private property in Nebraska and shot a North American bald eagle with the intent to eat it. What do you think?

It's illegal to eat a bald eagle because doing so would give you the strength and virility of 10 patriots.


Pablo Rocha

Who hasn't felt their stomach growl looking at the presidential seal?


Ian Salazar

Canned eagle is nearly as good as fresh.


Ethan Dodds

Silicon Valley Bank Collapses In Biggest Bank Failure Since 2008 Financial Crisis

Silicon Valley Bank collapsed after a stunning 48 hours in which a bank run and a capital crisis led to the second-largest failure of a financial institution in U.S. history. What do you think?

Let's hurry up and bail it out so we can do this all over again.


Nora Khoury

Just tell me if I have to jump out of my penthouse or not.


Gary Dugan

We deregulated our way into this mess, and we can deregulate our way out of it.


Nadia Cassettari

Berlin To Allow Women To Go Topless In Public Pools

The local government of Berlin, Germany, will now allow women to go topless at the city's public swimming pools, like men, following a discrimination complaint by a woman who was thrown out of an open-air pool for sunbathing topless. What do you think?

I just hope this leads to more body part-specific equality around the world.


Theodore Verrijssen

But open air provides terrible breast support.


Jayden Zeballos

But what will the children think if they see a woman enjoying basic bodily autonomy?


Wesley Burks

Buffalo Wild Wings Sued Over Claim That 'Boneless Wings' Aren't Wings

A Chicago man filed a class action lawsuit against Buffalo Wild Wings, saying the restaurant chain is charging too much for its boneless wings, which are basically nuggets and not made from the actual wing of a chicken. What do you think?

Restaurants have been cheating us out of bones for years.


Jewel Belden

This is a matter for Congress, not the courts.


Anthony Ulyett

So it's settled that they're actually chicken to begin with?


Buck Gallizeau

Biden Approves Controversial Oil Drilling Project In Alaska

The Biden administration approved a massive $8 billion drilling project in Alaska for oil company ConocoPhillips, drawing objections from environmental groups who say it will speed up the climate breakdown and undermine food security. What do you think?

This is the kind of bipartisan destruction people wanted when they voted for Biden.


Daniel Mello

If protesters have a better idea to speed up our climate breakdown, I'm sure the government is all ears.


Kim Lytie

Okay, but let's start fresh with stopping climate change tomorrow.


Harold Leib

5,000-Mile-Wide Blob Of Seaweed Heading Towards Florida

A 5,000-mile-wide blob of seaweed, known as the great Atlantic Sargassum belt, is drifting in the Gulf of Mexico toward Florida, where scientists say it may wash ashore and emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes as it rots. What do you think?

Just once, I'd like to meet a 5,000-mile-wide blob that doesn't emit toxic, foul-smelling fumes.


Mona Dudek

It feels like nothing good ever washes ashore these days.


Frank Galonski

DeSantis will just make a big show of putting it on a bus to Washington.


Brianne Prater

Americans Celebrate St. Patrick's Day

Today, millions of Americans are celebrating St. Patrick's Day, a Christian feast day that has evolved into a secular celebration of Irish culture with parades, festivals, drinking, and wearing the color green. How are you celebrating?

Resuscitating at least five dipshits outside Sullivan's Pub.


Marcus Gimbel

Americans Celebrate St. Patrick's Day

Probably just a quiet evening vomiting at home.


Nelson Taffet

Americans Celebrate St. Patrick's Day

Enjoying a day where I'm not so singled out by my alcoholism.


Rhys Lloyd

French Bulldog Becomes Top U.S. Dog Breed

According to new American Kennel Club rankings, the expensive and highly sought-after French bulldog was the most popular dog breed in the U.S. in 2022, unseating labradors from the top spot for the first time in 31 years. What do you think?

Honestly, the very sight of my lab now disgusts me.


Jim Bevel

If the past three years have shown us anything, it's that Americans don't really care about respiratory issues.


Francine Bizzle

Hopefully all of this success doesn't go to their flat, poorly evolved heads.


Marge Nesbitt

Michigan To Become First State To Repeal Right-To-Work Laws In 60 Years

The Michigan Senate has approved a bill to repeal the state's right-to-work law that allows employees in unionized jobs to opt out of membership and paying dues in a victory for organized labor. What do you think?

This goes against everything I learned in the Walmart employee orientation video.


Manny Wendelin

How dare they take away my right to be exploited by management?


Nicholas Bitondo

Dunkin' Discontinues Fan-Favorite Dunkaccino Drink

Dunkin' has quietly pulled the Dunkaccino from the coffee chain's menus, ending a more than two-decade run for the fan-favorite drink that mixed together coffee and hot chocolate as the company focuses on innovation. What do you think?

There goes the grossest part of my morning.


Lester Farooq

I'm sure if you scream loud enough the workers will still make one for you.


Denise Ricca

They should never have played God in the first place.


Jayden Rowe

Study Suggests 'Dad Jokes' May Help Kids Develop Into Healthy Adults

A recent study suggests dad jokes actually have a positive effect on development, with researchers saying that when fathers embarrass their children with unfunny jokes, it teaches them how to overcome awkwardness. What do you think?

When are we going to finally step up and demand that moms help raise their kids as well?


Hannah Calix

I'll forward this to my daughter's therapist.


Jarrett Horton

I prefer to embarrass them the old-fashioned way by being an alcoholic mess.


Pam Diaz

Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Trial For 'Hit-And-Run' Ski Crash

Gwyneth Paltrow is standing trial in a lawsuit filed by a man accusing the actress-turned-lifestyle influencer of violently crashing into him while skiing at a Utah resort in 2016, causing him several serious injuries and then abandoning him. What do you think?


Allen Puntier

It's nice to see there are still good roles for women over 30 in the legal system.


Damien Casillas

What is he mad about? Having a beautiful woman break your ribs is every man's fantasy.


Meredith Eban

Rupert Murdoch, 92, Engaged To Be Married For 5th Time

Ninety-two-year-old billionaire Rupert Murdoch announced his engagement to 66-year-old Ann Lesley Smith just six months after the pair first met and seven months after his divorce from his fourth wife. What do you think?

It's crazy to think that when he was 72 she was only 46.


Mason Otego

I might keep that honeymoon under two weeks.


Elizabeth Thatch

Antisemitic Attacks Hit Record High

According to a report released by the Anti-Defamation League, incidents of antisemitism in the United States jumped to its highest level since the organization began tracking it in 1979, up 36% from the year before. What do you think?

We can't assume the attacks are antisemitic just because the people who do them happen to be antisemitic.


Stefan Richards

Antisemitic Attacks Hit Record High

Don't look at me, I spread my racially motivated violence out across ethnic groups.


Danny Lomax

Antisemitic Attacks Hit Record High

Even after being canceled, Kanye remains a trendsetter.


Andrew Corona

Idaho Hospital To Stop Delivering Babies As Doctors Flee State Due To Abortion Ban

An Idaho hospital has planned to stop delivering babies, with the medical center's managers citing increasing criminalization of physicians and the inability to retain pediatricians as major reasons. What do you think?

Don't worry, ladies. You can always come to my place.


Kate Butler

That's okay, I was planning on doing an all-natural, at-home abortion.


Justin Pettis

Sounds like a lucrative time to have an empty bathtub for rent.


Gavin Ruffini

North Korea Tests Underwater Attack Drone Capable Of Generating Radioactive Tsunami

North Korea said it has tested a nuclear-capable underwater attack drone designed to launch a radioactive tsunami, with leader Kim Jong-un vowing to make his rivals plunge into despair. What do you think?

Imagine stooping so low as to rely on a drone for combat.


Debbie Culling

Let's wait to see what a radioactive tsunami is before we judge.


Josh Rossman

What ever happened to a good, old-fashioned death laser?


Tony De Luca

U.S. To Revamp Troubled Organ Transplant System

The federal government outlined a plan to revamp the nation's organ transplant system, which has over 100,000 patients on the waiting list and has been plagued by problems, including damaged or discarded organs and long wait times. What do you think?

It'd be much more fair to let us all bid on upcoming organs.


Elise Tauber

Who are these fancy people who are suddenly too good for a liver that's been dropped on the ground?


Gavin Decker

It would go a long way towards making things right if they gave everyone a free kidney for the inconvenience.


Akhil Sherman

Scientists Create Mice From Two Dads

According to a study published in Nature, a team of scientists from Osaka University in Japan have created mice with two biologically male parents for the first time, a significant milestone in reproductive biology that produced healthy offspring using eggs generated from the skin cells of male mice implanted into females. What do you think?


Gretchen Sklarsky

Scientists Create Mice From Two Dads

Meanwhile, my mouse partner and I are still trying.


Doug LeMawn

Scientists Create Mice From Two Dads

Still gonna kill that scientific breakthrough if I see it in my house.


Miranda Perez

Idaho Becomes Latest State To Permit Execution By Firing Squad

Republican Idaho Gov. Brad Little has signed a bill allowing execution by firing squad, making Idaho the latest state to turn to older methods of capital punishment amid a nationwide shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?

I'm choosing both lethal injection and firing squad just to avoid any fuck-ups.


Sohail Ashraf

I dream of a future in which prisoners are executed by the state humanely.


Trevor Moayedi

That's a waste of bullets. Don't they have a big rock or something they can drop on people?


Aiya Thorp

Study Finds Exposure To Other People's Sweat Could Reduce Social Anxiety

A new study has found that people with social anxiety may benefit from mindfulness therapy combined with exposure to odors from others' sweat. What do you think?

Social anxiety is the perfect excuse for any perversion.


Doreen Nowicki

Nothing's worth potentially exposing myself to exercise.


Adrian Kilmartin

Panera Bread Restaurants Testing Amazon's Palm-Scanning Technology

Panera Bread will be testing Amazon One, a payment service that allows customers to pay and collect membership rewards by scanning their palms. What do you think?

It's so exciting to see all of our futuristic sci-fi fantasies taking place at Panera.


Caleb O’Brien

I can't believe It's 2023 and I still have to move my arms to pay for goods and services.


Judy Gilmore

Seems dubious in terms of privacy, but I don't want to let Amazon's engineering team down.


Maura Carson

Police Sue Rapper For Using Footage Of Them Raiding His Home In Music Videos

Police are suing the rapper Afroman for invasion of privacy after the artist used home security footage in his music videos of officers raiding his home on unfounded suspicions of drug trafficking and kidnapping. What do you think?

Sorry, no one's allowed to know what police are doing.


Russell Velez

Don't know why he used that footage in the first place. Their dancing was horrible.


Eugene Wilson

Just another example of America's chilling music video surveillance state.


Joel Budnik

FDA Approves First Over-The-Counter Narcan To Reduce Overdoses

The Food and Drug Administration has approved selling the overdose-reversal drug Narcan without a prescription, a move long sought by advocates to aid the national response to the opioid crisis. What do you think?

I'm not comfortable with just anyone being able to save someone's life.


Jared Hanlon

I guess the opioid crisis has finally gotten as bad as America's upset-tummy crisis.


Cindy Ryerson

Then what's the incentive to not overdose?


Rochelle Perkins

Trump Becomes First Former President To Be Indicted

A Manhattan grand jury voted to indict former President Donald Trump on 30 criminal charges related to business fraud, the first time in American history that a current or former president has been charged with a crime. What do you think?

How can this republic function if there's not a privileged class that can do anything?


Miguel Carey

Are they sure they want to do it this week? It will be Holy Tuesday, he might be in church.


Dylan Marino

If you can't escape the law, then what is the point of moving to Florida?


Darren Scott

Police Union Leader Charged With Attempting To Import Opioids

The executive director of a police union in San Jose, CA has been charged with attempting to illegally import thousands of opioid pills from overseas to distribute in the U.S. What do you think?


Regina Friedman

Well, if this cop didn't import the opioids, some criminal would.


Gregory Edmonds

Hopefully if the union doesn't have her back, the cartel will.


Lou Connell

Bolsonaro Returns To Brazil

Former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro has returned to Brazil after a three-month self-imposed exile in Florida following last year's election defeat that led to his supporters storming the Supreme Court. What do you think?

He should plan his next exile around the Pensacola Jazz Fest.


Paige Mendez

Bolsonaro Returns To Brazil

It's always gonna be a little awkward after a failed coup.


Gabriel Turney

Bolsonaro Returns To Brazil

He must have missed living in a democratic country.


Carmelo Perkins

Finland Joins NATO

Finland has officially become the 31st member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, marking a major shift in the security landscape in northeastern Europe that doubles the length of member states' borders with Russia. What do you think?

Glad they've had enough of that neutrality bullshit.


Mary Kramara

Finland Joins NATO

It's always sad to see a promising country like Finland succumb to peer pressure and join a gang.


Myles Frias

Finland Joins NATO

Oh Finland, we would have sold you weapons whether you joined or not.


Tracey Puentes

Study Finds Plants Make Noises When Stressed

A new study has found that stressed plants that have not been watered for several days or had their stems cut emit ultrasonic clicking noises that are undetectable to the human ear but may be heard by insects and other animals. What do you think?


Isaac McCafferty

They should suffer in silence like the rest of us.


Neil Leary

Nothing a little overwatering can't fix.


Shannon Geis

DeSantis Signs Bill Allowing Carry Of Concealed Weapon Without Permit

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) has signed a bill allowing people to carry a concealed weapon in public without a government-issued permit, while also ending the requirement to undergo training before carrying a concealed weapon outside the home. What do you think?

I feel a lot safer knowing there are fewer permits out on the streets.


Colin Heffernan

You can still tell who has a gun by how often they yell, 'Fuck I just shot my own dick!'


Denis Singh

Big deal. The aggravated assault I committed didn't really get in the way of me buying guns before.


Helen Sweeney

Italy Proposes New Law To Ban English Words

Italy's ruling party has introduced a law that seeks to ban governments and corporations from using English in official communications under threat of fines up to $150,000. What do you think?


Chris Pratt

C'mon, I wasn't that bad as Super Mario.


Heath Maisto

Kansas GOP Bill Authorizes Genital Exams Of Schoolchildren

The Kansas state legislature has overridden a veto by the state's Democratic governor to pass a ban on transgender students participating in sports, which could be enforced with mandatory genital inspections. What do you think?

Let me guess, these snowflake kids don't want their genitals examined.


Gus Moen

Can't we just examine kids' genitals without it getting all political for once?


Beth Witten

Well, don't look at me. I only vote Republican because I'm racist.


Michael Deweerth

Clarence Thomas Secretly Accepted Luxury Trips From Major GOP Donor

A recent ProPublica investigation revealed that Justice Clarence Thomas and his wife, conservative activist Ginni Thomas, have gone on several luxury trips involving subsidized travel and stays at properties owned by a GOP megadonor. What do you think?

Well, he just lost my vote for reelection.


Todd Hockett

Hey, I thought taxpayers were supposed to foot the bill, not rich people.


Dena Fraley

I'll trade him a weekend at my Myrtle Beach timeshare in exchange for legalizing abortion.


Troy Rucker

Tennessee House GOP Expels 2 Black Democrats In Retaliation Over Gun Control Protest

Tennessee Republicans expelled two Black freshman lawmakers for their participation in a gun control protest yet declined to remove a third Democratic lawmaker, who is white and who participated in the same demonstration on the state House floor last week. What do you think?

I would expect a little more subtlety from the state that birthed the KKK.


Drew Baughman

I can see how being a voice for your constituents could cause problems.


Natalie Hamilton

It's just like the media to bring race into an issue where it's supposed to go unsaid.


Lucinda Alford

Man Charged After Taking Kidnapped Platypus On Train, Shopping Trip

An Australian man has been charged after allegedly stealing a platypus from the wild, taking it on a train, and then showing it off at a shopping center. What do you think?

All animals deserve to be pampered before they go extinct.


Roy Gee

I'm sorry, I was under the impression that man has dominion over the beasts?


Benji Crawford

All those years of going to Sephora in hopes of seeing a platypus somehow paid off.


Ella Tamas

Dalai Lama Apologizes For Asking Young Boy To Suck His Tongue

The Tibetan spiritual leader the Dalai Lama apologized Monday after a video that showed him asking a boy to suck his tongue triggered a backlash on social media. What do you think?

It looks like the Chinese Communist Party was right once again.


Jaren Torres

People hear 'suck my tongue' and assume it's sexual.


Gavin Rodriguez

This is just a cynical attempt to draw followers away from the Catholic Church.


Leo Guichard

Cancer, Heart Disease Vaccines 'Ready By End Of Decade'

Medical experts at Moderna say they are confident that groundbreaking new vaccines for cancer, cardiovascular and autoimmune diseases, and other conditions will be ready by 2030 due to cutting-edge research into developing personalized mRNA vaccines. What do you think?


Laszlo Sullivan

I'm sure we can come up with new ways to kill people to pick up the slack.


Grace Lee

I thought there were already vaccines that caused those diseases.


Candice Ortiz

NPR Quits Twitter After Being Falsely Labeled As 'State-Affiliated Media'

NPR plans to shut down its official Twitter accounts after the Elon Musk-owned platform's decision to label it as state-affiliated, which categorizes all 52 NPR-run Twitter accounts as propaganda channels. What do you think?

You make an enemy of Morning Edition, you will never know safety again.


David Aleman

Hey, it's Elon's site. He gets to decide what's objective reality.


Joseph Serrano

Like the U.S. government would ever fund anything.


Kara Demarcus

Food Storage Brand Tupperware Warns It Could Go Out Of Business

Tupperware, the 77-year-old U.S. maker of food storage containers, warned that it could go out of business unless it can quickly raise new financing. What do you think?

It's just not a good business model if it depends on Americans leaving uneaten food.


Jacob Huffman

I've just been wrapping my leftovers in an old T-shirt.


Pieter Selby

How can a brand indelibly associated with 70 years ago be struggling?


Joshua Meyer

Juul To Pay $462 Million For Its Role In Rise Of Underage Vaping

E-cigarette maker Juul Labs Inc. agreed to pay $462 million to settle claims by six U.S. states that it unlawfully marketed its addictive products to minors. What do you think?

They'll have to market to a lot more kids to pay for this.


Cleo Yardley

Damn. I never would have made my kid quit if I knew there was going to be such a big payout.


Anthony Champlin

Good. No company makes my kid look like a douchebag and gets away with it.


Eli Alston

Missing Dog Returns Home After 150-Mile Trek Across Bering Sea Ice

A lost 1-year-old Australian shepherd survived a 150-mile trek across frozen Bering Sea ice before being safely returned to his home in Alaska. What do you think?

I'm glad he was reunited with the people he was desperately trying to escape.


Becky Russo

This wouldn't have happened if the owners had adhered to Bering Strait leash laws.


Lee Courtwright

It's gonna be wild when they put this dog down.


Mitch Leake

2 Million Dimes Stolen From Truck In Philadelphia Parking Lot

A truck hauling hundreds of thousands of dollars' worth of dimes from the U.S. Mint was broken into while it was parked overnight at a Philadelphia store. What do you think?

You don't leave something in a Philadelphia parking lot unless you want it to disappear.


Dana Robison

I'll keep an eye out for anyone who's jingling.


Gustavo Cisne

Dimes are always the first things thieves look for.


Michelle Raye

Pablo Escobar 'Cocaine Hippo' Fatally Struck By SUV In Colombia

Authorities reported that a hippopotamus descended from animals illegally brought to Colombia by the late drug kingpin Pablo Escobar has died in a collision with an SUV on a highway near Escobar's hacienda. What do you think?

Hopefully they'll someday manufacture hippos that can withstand those kinds of collisions.


Anthony Lopes

Yeah, you're not supposed to hit them with your car.


Scott Castellano

Reserving judgment until we discover who had the right of way.


Raquel Brock

David's Bridal Files For Bankruptcy

David's Bridal, the nation's largest wedding dress retailer, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, citing the uncertain economic conditions of the post-Covid environment as a driver of the company's decision. What do you think?

I think it's romantic to have a courthouse bankruptcy hearing.


Trent Lafazan

David's Bridal Files For Bankruptcy

It's not a good time to run a business based around love and happiness.


Isaac Corbett

David's Bridal Files For Bankruptcy

Have they tried making weddings more expensive?


A.J. Santiago

Fox News Settles Dominion Defamation Lawsuit For $787.5 Million

Fox News has agreed to settle a defamation lawsuit with Dominion Voting Systems for $787.5 million, averting a trial in a case that exposed how the top-rated network chased viewers by promoting lies about the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?

Fox is going to have to come up with some pretty good lies to make that money back.


Madeline Lough

That's a small price to pay for speaking truth to power.


Vince Deraney

Seven-hundred and ninety million dollars is nothing a few Liberty Mutual ads can't cover.


Shawn Cooper

Marijuana Enthusiasts Around World Celebrate 4/20

Today is 4/20, the unofficial marijuana holiday when pot lovers around the world attend rallies, public smoke sessions, festivals, and other marijuana-related events as well as just smoke with friends. How are you celebrating?

Oh, I'm more of a get-high-by-self-asphyxiation type of guy.


Keith Albanese

Once again petitioning a judge for early release from my 2014 possession charge.


Frank Rosen

Netflix Announces End To DVD Mailing Service

Netflix announced it will be ending its DVD-by-mail rental service that set the stage for its trailblazing video streaming service, ending an era that began 25 years ago when delivering discs through the mail was considered a revolutionary concept. What do you think?

Did they invent some other way to watch movies at home?


Derrick Trabucco

Leave it to Netflix to cancel a brilliant thing people loved.


Kat Alvarez

SpaceX Starship Blows Up Minutes After Launch

SpaceX's Starship rocket, the most powerful ever built, blasted off on an unpiloted maiden flight Thursday, flying for more than two minutes before exploding. What do you think?


Andy Hood

We're on the doorstep of a bold new era of space disasters.


Oscar Huerta

I'd like to see China blow up a rocket in less than two minutes.


Gary Stoepel

Boy Gets Stuck Climbing Into Claw Machine To Steal Prize

A 13-year-old boy had to be freed from a claw machine at an amusement park after he climbed inside hoping to steal one of the prizes. What do you think?

Next time maybe he'll ask a responsible adult to climb in for him.


Lloyd Sykes

Russia's Air Force Bombs Own City By Mistake

A Russian warplane accidentally fired a weapon into the city of Belgorod near Ukraine, damaging apartment buildings and cars as well as creating a crater on one of the main streets measuring 65 feet across. What do you think?

Hopefully a tragedy like this isn't repeated and they kill their intended targets next time.


Jenni Qualls

An easy mistake since Russia and Ukraine are basically the same country.


Marvyn Khopkar

We all make mistakes. What's important is to keep bombing things.


Judy Konner

Twitter Restores Blue Check Marks For Some Celebrities Free Of Charge

Twitter has again U-turned over its verification policy, restoring blue check marks free of charge to some celebrities and other high-profile users of the social network. What do you think?

Sorry, I live a happy, well-rounded life and don't know what any of this means.


Ken Brandsma

I was starting to worry there were no longer any incentives to being rich and famous.


Ian Muzdakis

Why is it too much to ask that we make this rich man happy?


Donny Latimer

Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

President Biden officially announced his bid for reelection Tuesday morning, saying in a solemn launch video that he wants to finish the job he started when the country was racked by a deadly pandemic, a reeling economy and a teetering democracy. What do you think?


Hank Brennan

Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

If he needs the money to retire that badly, maybe he should just have a fundraiser.


Renee Sheridan

Biden Announces 2024 Reelection Bid

Okay, but can anyone tell me if this is the most important election of my lifetime or not?


Joyce Hoeffer

Sony Photography Winner Refuses Award After Revealing He Used AI

The winner of a major photography award has refused his prize after revealing he created his work using AI to test the competition and to create a discussion about the future of photography. What do you think?

Shouldn't the AI be the one to decide whether to refuse the award or not?


Ryan Ganim

Good thing I only participate in copywriting competitions.


Wes Bolick

Yes, like when I crashed my car to create a conversation about driving while high on whippets.


Elise Andersson

Study: States' Reproductive Rights Impacting College Choice

According to a new study, nearly 72% of college students surveyed report that the reproductive health laws in the state where their school is located are important to their decision to stay enrolled. What do you think?

Well, good luck finding any good schools in Massachusetts, California, or New York.


Chad Barnett

The last thing I want to think about is my daughter having to get a college degree.


Patricia Ascher

Pope Allows Women To Vote At Upcoming Bishops' Meeting

Pope Francis will allow women to participate in an upcoming assembly of bishops as voting members for the first time this year, in his latest move to increase the presence of women in leadership roles in the Catholic Church. What do you think?

Thank God. The Papal Conclave was getting to be a real sausage fest.


Rodney Keyes

Sorry, but I still haven't gotten over what they did to us in the Garden of Eden


Christopher Rabenbauer

Whoa! Maybe they'll get a vote over their own bodies next.


Arthur DePew

Ultrarunner Disqualified From Race For Using Car

A Scottish ultramarathon runner who initially finished third in a 50-mile race in England was disqualified after officials discovered she had traveled in a car for a section of the course. What do you think?


Kara Barton

Sometimes public transit just isn't an option.


Bryan Gravagna

I'm more suspicious of the two people who outran her car.


Janet Venn

Man Jailed For Scaring Neighbor's 1,100 Chickens To Death

A man in China has been sentenced to prison after a court found him guilty of scaring to death 1,100 chickens that belonged to a neighbor with whom he was feuding. What do you think?

Why didn't he just shoot his neighbor like a normal person?


George Daniels

Glad to live in America where they encourage the mass slaughter of innocent animals.


Seyon Rusek

Probably a fun change of pace from getting their throats slit.


Jeremy Coit

Study: Climate Change Making Airplane Turbulence Worse

A new study shows that climate change is causing more instability in jet streams and making wind speeds faster, with turbulence predicted to triple in frequency between 2050 and 2080. What do you think?

I can't wait to take this out on a flight attendant!


Aaron Bauserman

Finally, an incentive to tackle climate change.


Shannon Hickel

Hollywood Screenwriters Strike Over Pay In Streaming Gig Economy

Thousands of film and television writers who are members of the WGA are on strike for the first time since 2007, a move that could bring an immediate halt to the production of many television shows and possibly delay the start of new seasons of others later this year. What do you think?

Typical self-centered behavior from Hollywood's penniless elite.


Bart Watts

Jobs weren't intended to be something you could live off of as an adult.


Caspar Thomas

Barely making enough money to survive is a small price to pay for being tenuously employed at your dream job.


Rakesh Bowen

Concertgoer Heard Having 'Full-Body Orgasm' At L.A. Philharmonic Show

Concertgoers say an attendee at a Los Angeles Philharmonic performance this past week reportedly had what one witness called a loud and full-body orgasm during Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 5. What do you think?

I hate when shows try to shoehorn in audience participation.


Wesley Ames

Well great, now my standing ovations don't seem passionate enough.


Sherrilyn Gerlach

They were probably just faking it for the benefit of the orchestra.


Amanda Olbermann

Surgeon General Declares Loneliness Epidemic

The U.S. General has declared loneliness a public health endemic, saying widespread loneliness in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking a dozen cigarettes a day and costs the health industry billions of dollars annually. What do you think?

That's bad, but it's not worth getting to know someone.


Wilbur Koski

Sadly, most people can't afford the cost of lifesaving recreational drugs.


Colby Glasberg

Oh yeah? Would a lonely person have dinner every night with his wife's ashes?


Omar Holland

10-Year-Olds Found Working At McDonald's Until 2 A.M.

The Department of Labor has fined three McDonald's franchisees in Kentucky for employing more than 300 children, with one franchisee having two 10-year-olds working at its locations, without pay, as late as 2 A.M. What do you think?

Oh, sweet, I didn't know that McDonald's was open so late.


Juliette Baez

My kids get so excited when we go to McDonald's. I can only imagine how much they'd love going 32 hours a week.


Hank Morrel

My lazy ass kid is always sleeping at 2 a.m.


Carol Meek

King Charles III Crowned In Coronation Ceremony

Charles III was crowned King of the United Kingdom in Westminster Abbey on Saturday in his coronation ceremony, making him the oldest monarch ever to take the throne at 74 years old. What do you think?

After all the hard work he put in, he deserves it.


Zach Steiler

Lucky. I didn't get any kind of promotion at work when my mom died.


Dieter Thomas

I can't believe we get to do this again in a few years.


Donald Rivero

Student Eats $120,000 Banana Art Installation

An art installation by Maurizio Cattelan that featured a ripe banana taped to a wall at a Seoul art museum was devoured by a college student, who defended himself by saying he was hungry after skipping breakfast. What do you think?


Rhonda Gifford

At least give him credit for not launching into some tedious explanation about capitalism and temporality in art.


Mike Bernardo

I try to keep a little Cattelan on me in case I get nippish.


Patrick Ehrenkranz

WHO Declares End To Covid Health Emergency

The World Health Organization declared an end to Covid-19 as a global health emergency, marking a major step toward the end of the pandemic that has killed more than 6.9 million people, disrupted the global economy, and ravaged communities. What do you think?

They could've saved so many lives if they did that three years ago.


Katie Cagle

Finally, the bureaucratic assurance I was waiting for.


Alex Lambert

I guess the nurses can stop trying to save my grandma then.


Ana D’Amico

Mark Zuckerberg Wins Gold, Silver Medals In Jiu-Jitsu Tournament

Billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg competed in his first local jiu-jitsu tournament, announcing on Instagram that he won gold and silver medals. What do you think?

I remain convinced I could hold his face in a toilet as long as I wanted.


Gabe Tapley

I feel a lot better about his ability to protect my data.


Kevin Mendes

I never thought Mark Zuckerberg could be even more badass.


Kathy Ursache

Dubai To Build World's First 3D-Printed Mosque

Dubai has announced the construction of a 3D-printed concrete mosque to accommodate 600 worshippers and cover 2,000 square meters over two floors, with construction planned to begin by the end of year and completed in the first quarter of 2025. What do you think?

How many slaves will that technology put out of jobs?


Andy Harmon

I always thought Dubai leaned more Presbyterian.


Ben Tan

Finally, a viable technology for constructing buildings.


Jim Gillmer

Trump Found Liable For Sexual Abuse, Defemation

A Manhattan jury found former President Donald J. Trump liable for the sexual abuse of writer E. Jean Carroll in a widely watched civil trial, with the jury awarding her $5 million in damages for her battery and defamation claims. What do you think?

If only people had known he was a sexual abuser before the 2016 election.


Tara Zsigo

It seems unfair to punish Trump for something he did when he was 50.


Dan Nowik

There goes his sterling reputation as a guy who always gets away with sexual assault.


David Dunfield

George Santos Arrested On Charges Of Wire Fraud, Money Laundering

GOP Rep. George Santos (NY) was arrested on federal charges including stealing public funds, wire fraud, money laundering, and lying to Congress, marking a significant escalation in the many legal and ethical probes Santos has faced since taking office. What do you think?

Luckily, he's likable enough to get out of anything.


Katheryn Segieda

It's a shame how the government keeps picking on drag queens.


Eric Totten

Everyone knows you can't get away with that much fraud until you've established more tenure in Congress.


Elizabeth Roper

Title 42 Expires

Title 42, the Covid-era public health emergency measure that allowed for the quick expulsion of migrants at the border and nearly halted the processing of asylum applications for more than three years, has expired, with tens of thousands of people who have been waiting in Mexico after fleeing from violence, poverty, and political instability expected to make their way to the border. What do you think?

I have bad news for anyone immigrating to America to flee violence and poverty.


Diego Migues

Title 42 Expires

It'll be such a relief to go back to the pre-Covid way of discriminating against migrants.


Jeff Blaylock

Title 42 Expires

I'm confident we can figure out another reason to deny people asylum.


Kathy Weida

Elon Musk Names NBCU Executive New Twitter CEO

Elon Musk has chosen NBCUniversal's head of advertising Linda Yaccarino to become the new chief executive officer of Twitter, stepping into the role at a controversial and economically perilous time for the company. What do you think?

I wish her luck on her first performance review with Catturd2.


Robert Marcotte

I don't trust a woman who uses a woke, gender-neutral title like CEO.


Sameer Gupta

She already has plenty of experience working at a dying platform like NBC.


Dewar Therrien

Meteorite Crashes Into New Jersey Home

A metallic object believed to be a meteorite punched a hole in the roof of a central New Jersey home, the black, potato-sized rock still warm when the family who owned the home discovered it. What do you think?


Topher Craft

Meteorite Crashes Into New Jersey Home

Sometimes the universe gives you a sign that it's time to leave New Jersey.


Rita Belk

Meteorite Crashes Into New Jersey Home

I bet it was some punk kids who live in the galaxy next door.


Mauricio Ibarra

FDA Paves Way For More Gay, Bisexual Men To Donate Blood

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration paved the way for more gay and bisexual men to donate blood by finalizing new risk-based recommendations for blood donation, with prospective donors being asked the same set of questions regardless of their sex or sexual orientation. What do you think?

Then what's the incentive to be straight?


Nicole Stebbins

But still discriminating against heavy intravenous drug users, I see.


Tyler Stangl

With today's advancements in technology, I'm sure de-gaying the blood is no problem.


Robby Quirk

YouTuber Admits To Intentionally Crashing Plane For Views

Trevor Jacob, a 29-year-old YouTuber, pled guilty to a federal charge after he destroyed the wreckage of a plane he intentionally crashed to gain views, admitting to authorities that he planned to crash the plane in a video he made to promote a wallet. What do you think?

Before you pass judgment, think about what you would do in the impossible situation of needing to promote a wallet.


Brandon Lundy

I'll watch it, but I'm not gonna subscribe if there aren't casualties.


Nikoletta Cohen

It's sad that today's generation can't just crash a plane for their own enjoyment.


Astrid Hayes

Rising Number Of Americans Switching Religions

According to a new survey, nearly a quarter of Americans say they used to follow a different religious tradition or denomination than the one they practice now, a percentage that appears to be growing in response to disagreements over issues like LGBTQ+ rights. What do you think?

It's nice that people are exploring new ways to feel guilty and ashamed.


Ethan Stone

Yeah, a lot of Americans really want to piss off their parents.


Dion Hudson

Prince Harry And Meghan Involved In 'Near Catastrophic' Car Chase With NYC Paparazzi

Prince Harry, his wife Meghan, and her mother were involved in a near catastrophic car chase with paparazzi photographers in New York after an event, drawing some parallels with the high-speed Paris car chase that killed his mother Princess Diana in 1997. What do you think?

At least we'll finally see a photo of the elusive Harry And Meghan.


Carl Kasperson

You'd think after Princess Diana's tragic death, they'd know to just give the paparazzi what they want.


Stella Jones

What's it going to take for them to finally leave the paparazzi alone?


Juan Pearson

Disney Cancels Plans For $1 Billion Florida Campus

The Walt Disney Co. canceled plans for a billion-dollar office complex in Florida that was set to bring thousands of jobs to the region as the company and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis continue their ongoing feud. What do you think?

To be fair, who knew Disney had that kind of money?


Valerie Cordero

A small price to pay for one man absolutely humiliating himself in the GOP primary.


Edgar Pulido

If they keep this up, Florida is going to become a national laughingstock.


Linette Fonseca

Study: Marijuana Harms Developing Babies In First Trimester

A new study published in the journal Frontiers in Pediatrics found a significant decrease in birth weight of 154 grams in babies of women who smoked marijuana during the first trimester, with such decreases in weight being linked to health problems as children grow. What do you think?


Dwight Larsen

There's so much parenting advice out there that it's hard to filter out all the science.


Drew Faulk

But if you get drunk and high, they cancel each other out, right?


Laszlo Gibbs

New York City Sinking Due To Weight Of Its Skyscrapers

A new study has found that New York City is sinking 1 to 2 millimeters each year in part due to the extraordinary weight of its skyscrapers, worsening the flooding threat posed to the metropolis from rising seas. What do you think?

Sorry, but Midtown needs 50,000 perpetually vacant apartments.


Bradley Nelms

I remember 50 years ago when we were floating 3.94 inches above sea level.


Caroline Beeghley

Chick-Fil-A's First-Ever Restaurant Closes After 56 Years

Chick-fil-A's first-ever restaurant, located in a mall in Atlanta, GA, has closed after more than half a century in business. What do you think?

And nearly all those years desegregated, too!


Owen Jahlon

No doubt some massive fast food chain came along and put them out of business.


Wes Lankford

A good reminder that no chicken sandwich can bring you eternal life.


Lance Boor

U-Haul Truck Carrying Nazi Flag 'Intentionally' Crashes Near White House

A driver has been arrested on charges of threatening to kill or harm the president, vice president, or their family members after he allegedly plowed a U-Haul truck into security barriers near the White House while carrying a Nazi flag. What do you think?

I just hope this doesn't perpetuate the stereotype that all Nazis are bad drivers.


Debbie Harkonnen

Weirdly, that's the only thing fully covered under U-Haul's insurance.


Jonas Rangel

So now anyone with a Nazi flag trying to kill the president is automatically a Nazi?


Gage Vazquez

NAACP Travel Advisory Warns Florida 'Openly Hostile' Toward African Americans

The NAACP issued a travel advisory for Florida, urging people to avoid the state due to Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis' aggressive attempts to erase Black history and to restrict diversity, equity and inclusion programs in the state's schools. What do you think?

Is the racism all year or more during the busy season?


Suzanne Nabholz

I'm sure it'll be safe if we bring guns when we go.


Todd Stratton

There goes my relaxing vacation to a Florida public school.


Marc Hassett

Chlamydia-Like Bacteria Found Growing In Great Barrier Reef

Researchers examining the Great Barrier Reef have discovered the coral is infested with a bacteria closely related to chlamydia, which scientists say could help them understand the coral microbiome and its potential impact on coral reef health. What do you think?


Liliana Kuipers

Great, now I gotta text all the other underwater ecosystems I also swam in.


Frank Coakley

That's what happens when you let just anyone scuba through you.


Zoey Burns

Ron DeSantis Launches U.S. Presidential Bid In Glitch-Filled Twitter Broadcast

Ron DeSantis launched his 2024 presidential campaign in an online Twitter Spaces event with Elon Musk that was marred by 25 minutes of technical glitches where the audio stream crashed repeatedly, making it impossible for most users to hear the new presidential candidate in real time. What do you think?

I'm tired of the media trying to silence this man.


Drew Fanning

Twenty-five minutes of no talking was the best launch the DeSantis campaign could hope for.


Dom Edelstein

It's good to have the superficial appearance of a Trump alternative.


Anna Dasoro

Jeff Bezos, Lauren Sánchez Engaged

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his partner, former broadcast journalist Lauren Sánchez, are engaged four years after his high-profile divorce from billionaire philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. What do you think?

Do they have a date picked out for the divorce?


Samuel Pugh

Jeff Bezos, Lauren Sánchez Engaged

One day I hope to find someone who accepts my status as a billionaire.


Gustavo Ziff

Jeff Bezos, Lauren Sánchez Engaged


Juan Serota

Marjorie Taylor Greene Bids $100,000 For Kevin McCarthy's Used Chapstick

Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R) bid $100,000 to win a tube of cherry Chapstick used by Speaker Kevin McCarthy at a short GOP fundraising auction held during a break from debt ceiling negotiations. What do you think?

I thought Republicans weren't supposed to pay for things.


Hakeem Rayford

Hey, it's her money. She can launder it however she likes.


Deanna Mattler

Just another normal day in our hallowed halls of democracy.


Fiona Lassetter

Oath Keepers Founder Sentenced To 18 Years For Seditious Conspiracy

The founder of the far-right Oath Keepers group has been sentenced to 18 years in prison for his role in a seditious conspiracy to disrupt the electoral count, the stiffest punishment to date to stem from the violent assault on the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021. What do you think?

Well, at least he overthrew the government.


Ivan Winter

Strange considering that Trump is still secretly the president.


Ben Kadapul

Luckily, he'll be out in time for the 2042 insurrection.


Ruby Beijos

Kentucky Man Accused Of Shooting Roommate For Eating Last Hot Pocket

A Kentucky man is facing criminal charges after police say he shot his roommate for eating the last Hot Pocket. What do you think?

Now do you see why we have the second amendment?


Eric D’Angelo

Yet you never hear the thousands of more positive stories in which roommates share a Hot Pocket.


Hank Weisman

Damn, and by the time he gets out of jail, it'll probably be cold.


Louis Pierson

Russia Issues Arrest Warrant For Lindsey Graham

Russia's Interior Ministry has issued an arrest warrant for Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) after he praised U.S. military aid to Ukraine as the best money we've ever spent. What do you think?

You're not truly an enemy of Russia until you're mysteriously poisoned.


Stephen Katz

We should let the Russian justice system work before passing judgment either way.


Jan Dalwadi

Where's the most convenient place to dump him off?


Kelly Haldane

Industry Leaders Warn That AI Poses 'Risk Of Extinction'

Scientists and tech industry execs are sounding the alarm about artificial intelligence, writing in a new public statement that fast-evolving AI technology could create as high a risk of killing off humankind as nuclear war and Covid-19-like pandemics. What do you think?

Then let's make sure we get a handle on it before it's released to the public.


Andrew Reichley

It's sad how desperately these nerds want to make their coding jobs sound cool.


Jasper Boryga

I'm tired of extinction risks, I want results.


Vishal Spackler

Suspected Russia-Trained Spy Whale Spotted Off Sweden's Coast

A beluga whale that turned up in Norway wearing a harness in 2019, prompting speculation it was a spy trained by the Russian navy, has reappeared off Sweden's coast. What do you think?

My God, who knows what clicks and whistle noises it sent back to Moscow?


Owen Hockings

I can't even train my cat to shred confidential documents.


Barry Grant

Denver Nuggets' Rocky Revealed As NBA's Highest-Paid Mascot With $625,000 Salary

A new report revealed that the Denver Nuggets mascot, Rocky the Mountain Lion, is the NBA's highest-paid mascot, taking home $625,000 a year, almost 10 times that of the average $60,000 salary for a league mascot. What do you think?

I don't need more evidence that my life has been a waste, okay?


Carmela Loerzel

Lucky. My boss has yet to see the value of my emphatic gesturing.


Finn Becker

I also wouldn't be surprised if he got into Nuggets games for free.


Jay Alden

Plane Passenger Opens Door Midway Through Flight

A man has been arrested for opening an emergency exit door on a commercial flight as it was landing in South Korea, telling police that he felt suffocated and was trying to get off the plane quickly. What do you think?

When I feel suffocated, I get blackout drunk like a normal person.


Brenda Kaminsky

Jumping out of a plane is still safer than jumping out of a car.


Patrick O’Neal

Airline To Weigh Passengers Before They Board Flight

Air New Zealand will be asking to weigh passengers departing on international flights as part of a voluntary survey to gather data on the weight load and distribution for planes. What do you think?


Nick Hartwig

I don't mind the scale, but I do object to the tuba following me down the walkway.


Abigail Heron

Looks like someone is betting on a few viral video meltdowns to boost their social media presence.


Erin Devaux

Landfill Of Fast Fashion Clothing Now Large Enough To Be Seen From Space

A mountain of unused fast fashion clothing items in the Atacama Desert in Chile has grown so large that satellites have captured clear images of it. What do you think?


Pete Whitbourne

A small price to pay for looking just okay.


Anthony Vela

Well, it's not my fault that children make such crappy clothes.


Bruce LaPera

Apple Launches VR Headset

Apple announced a mixed-reality headset called Apple Vision Pro that seamlessly blends the real and digital worlds, which will start at $3,499 and launch early next year beginning in the U.S market. What do you think?

I've been meaning to find a way to spend less time on my phone.


Jamal Stetten

Apple Launches VR Headset

Finally, the convenience of using my computer at home.


Taliya Jaymore

Apple Launches VR Headset


Eva Molligan

Utah District Bans 'Sex-Ridden' Bibles In Schools

A suburban school district in Utah has banned the Bible in elementary and middle schools after a parent frustrated by efforts to ban materials from schools argued that some Bible verses were too vulgar or violent for younger children. What do you think?

All the mouth stuff with Jacob is apocryphal anyways.


Augustus Beckman

I always had a stash of raunchy Bible stories under my bed as a teenager.


Jared Hsu

Good thing I'm an adult and can jerk it to the Bible as much as I want.


Caleb Dillman

Sick Workers Tied To 40% Of Restaurant Food Poisoning Outbreaks, CDC Says

The CDC has reported that food workers who showed up while sick or contagious were linked to about 40% of the 800 restaurant food poisoning outbreaks with a known cause between 2017 and 2019, citing lack of paid sick leave as one reason sick employees don't stay home. What do you think?

This wouldn't even be an issue if everyone said grace before eating.


Dan Cherney

Wow, so workers can get sick just like people do?


Simone Windsor

Part of the thrill of eating is how it might affect my digestive system.


Tariq Bringelson

Mike Pence Officially Enters 2024 Republican Presidential Race

Former Vice President Mike Pence announced he's running for president, setting up a battle for the Republican nomination with his former boss, Donald Trump. What do you think?

He's definitely got a broad coalition of people who hate him.


Francesca Wilkes

God's going to have a tough time picking a side.


Glen Darmian

Wait, that's Mike Pence? Who did I hang then?


Tommy Crimmins

Christian Televangelist Pat Robertson Dead At 93

Christian televangelist Pat Robertson, who helped make religion central to Republican Party politics in America through his Christian Coalition, has died at 93. What do you think?

We'll never know which minority group he'd blame for his death.


Derrick Brock

Must be God's punishment for some gay stuff he did.


Carla Laskowski

Which TV channel can cure my diabetes now?


Xavier Frisch

Trump Charged With 37 Federal Counts In Classified Documents Case

A 37-count criminal indictment against Donald Trump was unsealed Friday, revealing allegations that the former president willfully retained classified government records and conspired to prevent their return to U.S. officials. What do you think?

Do we really need to be giving him another fundraising opportunity like this?


Kenny Marchand

This is going to be so embarrassing for him when he has to work with these people as president again.


Lisette Adams

This is only happening because Trump is a Republican who committed a series of obvious crimes.


Adrian Tessier

U.S. Postal Service Releases National Dog Bite Rankings

The USPS has released data showing the 10 worst dog bite states for its workers, with California seeing the most attacks on mail carriers last year with 674 incidents. What do you think?

The Postal Service owns some of this for hiring such mouthwatering mail carriers.


Daphne Silva

Feels like a waste letting my dog attack so many mail carriers if my state didn't even make the top five.


Carter Doyle

I'm afraid the only solution is to put down postal workers.


Leo Tillery

Scientists Record First Known 'Virgin Birth' In Female Crocodile

Scientists have recorded the first known case of a virgin birth in a female crocodile that had no contact with males for about 16 years, suggesting its evolutionary ancestors such as the dinosaurs may also have been capable of self-reproduction. What do you think?

It's going to be really difficult to crucify a crocodile with such short arms.


Mitesh Rao

This can't be good for the mental health crisis among male crocodiles.


Megan Borja

I hope she has the support system in place to make it as a single parent.


Amanda Garcia

Silvio Berlusconi, Italian Prime Minister Known For His Sex Parties, Dead At 86

Silvio Berlusconi, the billionaire media mogul and former Italian prime minister who transformed the nation's politics with polarizing policies and gained notoriety for his bunga bunga sex parties, died at 86. What do you think?

I hope the underage sex parties don't overshadow his other contributions to crime.


Albert Pugalia

He always made sure to carve out a role for scantily clad women in his administration.


Rory Freiberg

Please mention that I had sex when I die, too.


Faye McNeely

Donald Trump Arrested, Pleads Not Guilty In Classified Documents Case

Former President Donald Trump pleaded not guilty after he was arrested and booked at a federal courthouse in Florida for allegedly refusing to return classified documents to federal authorities after he left the White House. What do you think?

I'm going to ignore the facts before I jump to any conclusions.


Ivan Nichols

I can't believe the government doesn't have better things to do than prosecute a former president for mishandling and hiding classified documents.


Ramon Salogar

I don't see why we have to make stealing state secrets so political.


Alisa Strelau

Pat Sajak To Retire As 'Wheel Of Fortune' Host

Pat Sajak, who has hosted the syndicated game show Wheel Of Fortune for more than 40 years, has announced that he will step down next year. What do you think?

He was a trusted familiar face through all the changes in the alphabet.


Humphrey Douglas

Stepping down without a designated heir will only trigger a bloody succession war.


Lee Koerner

I get it. You just can't keep making Wheel Of Fortune in today's woke climate.


Elliot Mullen

Paul McCartney Says AI Helped Create Last Beatles Song

Beatles singer–songwriter Paul McCartney says artificial intelligence was used to extricate his former bandmate John Lennon's vocals from an old recording, allowing them to be cleaned up and featured in an upcoming track. What do you think?

Now we'll finally know what the Beatles sounded like all together.


Justin Mercado

As long as some tech CEO gets to profit off of it, I'm happy.


Marilyn Burnley

Makes you wonder what the point of John's murder even was.


Kim Hartsough

Speedcuber' Solves Rubik's Cube In 3 Seconds, Sets New World Record

A 21-year-old from California set a new world record by solving a 3-by-3-by-3-inch Rubik's Cube in just 3.13 seconds. What do you think?


Walter Binns

He probably has rich parents who could afford Rubik's cube lessons.


Miles Woodbury

We need more drugs on the street to prevent teenagers from getting into this shit.


Katrina Pinnell

Eat, Pray, Love' Author Pulls New Book After Facing Backlash To Russia Setting

Elizabeth Gilbert, the bestselling author of Eat, Pray, Love, announced that she is halting the release of her next book following a massive backlash about its setting in Russia. What do you think?

All stories should be set in nice places like the clouds and baby cribs.


Conrad Nichter

That's it. I'm burning my Elizabeth Gilbert jersey.


Vlad Harrington

It's pretty insensitive to set a novel in Russia only 500 years after the bloody Russo-Kazan war.


Seth Gammill

Illinois Becomes First State To Outlaw Book Bans

Illinois has become the first state to legislate against the banning of books in public libraries, a practice that has been on the rise across the United States as conservatives look to suppress some books dealing with race, history, and LGBTQ topics. What do you think?

Kids are smart enough to know what books to ban on their own.


Amanda Conroy

This will only lead to thousands of preventable reading overdoses.


Adrian Cannava

Wonderful, I was planning to read a book someday.


Brett Gaines

Over 90 Letters Containing Suspicious White Powder Sent To Kansas Lawmakers

Authorities are investigating nearly 100 letters containing a mysterious white powder that were addressed to several Republican lawmakers in Kansas, with the sender referring to themselves in the letters as your secret despirer. What do you think?

Do they want us to reach out to our representatives or not?


Bella Augusto

There's something so quaint and personal about a hand-written threat these days.


Damien Rogers

Relax, maybe it's a good suspicious white powder.


Vicenzo De Luca

White Supremacist Renounces Beliefs After Taking MDMA In Study

According to researchers, a former white nationalist leader said he changed his extremist views after taking the love drug MDMA as part of a scientific study. What do you think?

I bet he hated people twice as hard the morning after.


Enzo Goodrich

Oh, great, now it'll never be legalized.


Michael Losilla

This better work, because I just invited 5,000 Proud Boys to Burning Man.


Jenna Gulotta

Elon Musk Declares 'Cisgender' Will Be Considered Slur On Twitter

Twitter owner Elon Musk announced that certain words used to identify non-transgender people, like cis and cisgender, are now considered slurs. What do you think?

I shudder to think anybody would ever use a slur on Twitter.


Brent Knopf

So does that mean Twitter will do everything in its power to let people use them free of consequence?


Anthony Forsyth

Now I know exactly how it feels to be Black.


Adam Klemic

Marjorie Taylor Green Calls Lauren Boebert A 'Little Bitch' On House Floor

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) called Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CP) a little bitch amid GOP frustration at the Colorado Republicans' move to try and force a vote on impeaching President Biden. What do you think?

I can never follow all of the legalese congresspeople use.


Nancy Pitts

I think you need at least 50% of the House to get a resolution officially declaring someone a bitch.


Dean Trautman

The party needs to come together and realize the real 'little bitch' is high taxes.


Bria Powell

Andrew Tate Offers To Train Elon Musk In Cage Match With Zuckerberg

Ex-pro kickboxer Andrew Tate, who is currently under house arrest after being criminally charged with rape and human trafficking, has offered to train Elon Musk to fight Mark Zuckerberg after the two billionaires this week agreed to a cage match. What do you think?

Offering to help someone is a total beta cuck move.


Diego Armin

Having all three in the same place would provide a great opportunity to seal off the room.


Pete Fuller

Something tells me Elon's already learned an awful lot from Andrew Tate.


Loretta Cavendish

Restaurant Hired Fake Priest To Extract Confessions From Workers, Feds Say

The owners of a California taqueria chain have been ordered to pay $140,000 in back pay and damages to employees who met with a person identified as a priest to confess workplace sins. What do you think?

Suddenly I'm skeptical of that holiday party Santa.


Angelo Tharp

They should've asked to see his priest badge.


Sonny Pelton

My employees will answer to the all-seeing, all-knowing security camera.


Kayla Giroux

7.5 Million Baby Shark Bath Toys Recalled After They Cut Or Stabbed Children

A California-based toymaker is recalling 7.5 million singing and swimming Baby Shark bath toys after multiple lacerations and puncture wounds were reported in children playing with them. What do you think?

It's a small price to pay for not having to entertain my kid.


Stan Nordland

Guess I'll just go back to letting them play with a toaster while they bathe.


Bernard Edler

Awful. Hopefully that company fires all the children who made those toys.


Cody Graff

Maury Povich Launches At-Home Paternity Test

Maury Povich, the former host of the longest-running daytime talk show, Maury, is launching his own at-home DNA paternity test company called The Results Are In. What do you think?

I'd rather my child find out in a publicly humiliating manner.


Madeline Cain

I have to give credit to those that didn't allow this to happen sooner.


Randy Pollom

I knew he would outclass Oprah eventually.


Katie Garland

Mercenary Leader Claims He Was Not Trying To Overthrow Putin

The leader of the Wagner mercenary group that mounted a brief uprising against Russia over the weekend denies that he had any intention of seizing power with his march on Moscow and only wanted to protest against Russian military leadership. What do you think?

We've all had some wild weekends that we regret.


Stanley Boyea

I hope this doesn't lead to people feeling like mercenaries can't be trusted.


Tim Zoellner

Right, I'm sure it was just one of those pro-government coups.


Quinn Moller

First U.S. Malaria Cases Diagnosed In Decades In Florida, Texas

The CDC has confirmed that five cases of malaria have been discovered in Florida and Texas, the first time the potentially fatal mosquito-borne disease has been locally acquired in the United States in 20 years. What do you think?

Really takes the enjoyment out of being bitten by a mosquito.


Chase Dickinson

We can just put the malaria on a bus and ship it to Massachusetts.


Pablo Mendez

Thankfully, there's already a vaccine for me to refuse.


Paula Frevert

Janitor Trying To Turn Off Beeping Noise Destroys Decades Of Scientific Research

A janitor cleaning in a laboratory at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, NY has been accused of damaging at least $1 million in scientific research after a storage freezer shut off while he was trying to turn off a constant beeping noise. What do you think?

Getting the beeping noise to stop is a much better contribution to society than all that research.


Ronny Alvarez

Just take it out of the janitor's wages and get back to work.


David Cantirino

All the beeping is why I dropped out of STEM.


Vicky Leonard

Tourist Filmed Carving Girlfriend's Name Into Rome's Colosseum

A tourist in Rome was filmed carving his name and the name of his apparent girlfriend into the wall of the famous Colosseum, defacing the nearly 2,000-year-old building. What do you think?

Who's to say their love won't last another 2,000 years?


Samuel Kleiner

I'm just glad Nero isn't alive to see this.


Cesar Rahman

You're telling me that a monument built by slavery isn't perfect anymore?


Farah Edwards

Microscopic Louis Vuitton Knockoff Bag Sells For Over $63,000

A minuscule handbag measuring just 657 by 222 by 700 microns (or less than 0.03 inches wide) bearing Louis Vuitton's signature monogram sold for over $63,000 at an online auction. What do you think?

Good. I got tired of having no way to carry around my grain of salt.


Giancarlo Rossi

This is a huge step towards inclusivity for all body types!


Manu Figueroa

This will only perpetuate the exploitation of microscopic sweatshop workers.


Graeme Ballinger

Supreme Court Strikes Down Student Loan Forgiveness Plan

In a 6-3 ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Biden administration's plan to forgive billions of dollars in federally backed student loan debt, a decision that means millions will have to start making student loan repayments later this year. What do you think?

I did exactly what society told me to do, so I deserve to be punished.


Rochelle Meeks

What message does it send young people if education doesn't carry huge risks?


Mason Linder

Americans need to buckle down and inherit some money.


Aldous Petrie

America Celebrates Independence Day

This Fourth of July marks the 247th year of our independence as a nation. How are you celebrating?

Redefining what's physically possible to do with a hot dog.


Natalie Brauer

America Celebrates Independence Day

I'll be in my usual bed in the burn unit.


Austin Chaisson

America Celebrates Independence Day

Using fireworks to mask the sound of my gunshots.


Jen Plunkett

Airbnb Offering Free Stay At Life-Size Version Of Barbie's Malibu DreamHouse

Airbnb has announced that a three-story mansion modeled after Barbie's iconic Malibu DreamHouse will be available for limited booking ahead of the release of the Barbie movie. What do you think?

As if staying in a regular house isn't exciting enough.


Duncan Kinch

Good luck finding adults who want to live out the nostalgia of their childhoods.


Colton Kemper

Cocaine Found At White House

The Secret Service confirmed that testing showed an unidentified white substance found in the White House during a routine search is cocaine, with the investigation into how it got there still ongoing. What do you think?

The fair thing to do now is distribute it equally to all Americans.


Dakota Gilbert

Cocaine Found At White House

To be fair, cocaine was a prescription medicine when Biden was young.


Miguel Badillo

Cocaine Found At White House

If it doesn't send a Black person to jail, does it even count as drugs?


Sybil Clayton

Twitter Competitor Threads Gains 30 Million Users In First Day

Meta's new Twitter competitor, Threads, reached over 30 million users in its first day alone, posing one of the biggest threats to the embattled social media company since Elon Musk took ownership. What do you think?

Elon's going to have to really buckle down and fire more people.


Andrew Lee

I'm staying put until I get my $8 worth.


Conroy Hofstatter

There's no need to fight, I have enough personal data for everyone.


Bruce Martone

Teacher In Italy Fired After Skipping Work For 20 Years

A teacher in Italy who avoided going to work but kept collecting paychecks for over 20 years by using sick leaves, holidays, and permits to attend conferences has finally been fired by her employers. What do you think?

Some instructors don't need a classroom to teach us valuable lessons.


Krista Ellis

God forbid a woman prioritizes self-care.


Wyatt Braithwaite

Damn, that's only five more years of skipping work away from retirement, too.


Tracee Moss

Study: Nearly Half Of U.S. Tap Water Contaminated With Harmful Forever Chemicals

A new government study found that drinking water from nearly half of U.S. faucets likely contains forever chemicals that may cause cancer and other health problems, so-called because the substances remain in the human body for years and don't degrade in the environment What do you think?

That's why I get my drinking water straight from the puddles.


Darius Loran

If you just rinse the water off it should be fine.


Joey Schneider

OceanGate Suspends Operations After 'Titan' Submersible Implosion

OceanGate announced it is suspending its commercial and exploration operations nearly three weeks after five people were killed aboard its Titan submersible on a trip to the Titanic shipwreck. What do you think?

Why? Their name recognition has never been higher.


Josh Balin

I guess we'll never know what the Titanic was.


Tabitha Watkins

They could just rebrand as a company that takes you to the bottom of the ocean and kills you.


Carlos Healey

Biden OKs Sending Controversial Cluster Bombs To Ukraine

The Biden administration plans to provide Ukrainian troops with controversial weapons known as cluster munitions, a battle tool that has been banned by more than 100 nations and lambasted by human rights groups for indiscriminately killing civilians. What do you think?

Whatever it takes to escalate the war to a deadlier stage.


Amber Keizer

If we don't arm our allies now, who are we going to go to war with in 20 years?


Philip Hadsell

We shouldn't let human rights concerns hinder our fight for human rights.


Lucy Nandan

Wimbledon Umpire Asks Fans Not To Uncork Champagne Bottles During Serves

A Wimbledon umpire had to ask fans to not uncork champagne bottles while players are serving after a spectator interrupted the third-round match between Russians Anastasia Potapova and Mirra Andreeva by popping open a bottle. What do you think?

They didn't leave me much choice after confiscating my blender.


Rob Mulia

Maybe the players should wait to serve until I've had my bubbly.


Colby Becker

Finally, a rule that applies to rich people.


Austin Marinello

Ozempic Under EU Investigation Over Reports Of Suicidal Thoughts

European drug safety officials have launched a probe into Ozempic after patients reported thoughts of suicide or self-harm. What do you think?

Yeah, isn't that why everyone wanted to take it?


Jessica Thornhill

Sounds like a rumor that petty diabetics started to get back their life-saving drug.


Kirby Becerra

I'd want to kill myself, too, if I could no longer jiggle my plump tummy.


James Wooley

Secret Service Closes White House Cocaine Probe Without Suspect

The Secret Service concluded its investigation into the small bag of cocaine found at the White House and has been unable to identify a suspect. What do you think?

I bet they could've figured it out with 18 months of congressional hearings.


Laura Cameron

I guess we'll never know who in the White House was fun.


Gabby McCole

Chuck Schumer Calls For Investigation Into Logan Paul Energy Drink

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is asking the FDA to investigate YouTube influencer Logan Paul's Prime energy drink over concerns that the drink's high levels of caffeine could be harmful to children. What do you think?

What else is my 9-year-old supposed to drink while he vapes?


Peter Hauser

Sounds like someone has stock in a less popular energy drink


Sean Gilpatrick

But then the children will fall asleep during their shifts at the slaughterhouse.


Julian Dwyer

Hollywood Actors Vote To Strike

Leaders of a Hollywood's actors union have voted to join screenwriters in the first joint strike in more than six decades, shutting down production across the entertainment industry after talks for a new contract with studios and streaming services broke down. What do you think?

Now we'll see which shows have been using writers and actors as a crutch.


Danielle Francis

Hollywood Actors Vote To Strike

Those selfish actors need to learn how to barely survive like the rest of us.


Desmond Nash

Hollywood Actors Vote To Strike

It's crazy how movie stars want basic rights just like regular people.


Helena Rogers

FDA Approves First Over-The-Counter Birth Control Pill

The FDA has approved a birth control pill to be sold without a prescription for the first time in the United States, a milestone that could significantly expand access to contraception. What do you think?

It will be a nice six months until the Supreme Court bans this.


Damien Rodriguez

I'm proud to be alive for such a watershed moment in the history of fucking.


Emil Benton

Did they recommend an accompanying prison term?


Lea Carson

Bank Of America To Pay $250 Million For Illegal Fees, Fake Accounts

Bank of America has been ordered by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to pay more than $250 million in fines and customer refunds for double-charging fees, withholding reward bonuses, and opening accounts without customers' knowledge or permission. What do you think?

I still trust banks to do what's in the best interest of banks.


Hugo Steltor

Good to know that if I did all those illegal things, it would just be a fine.


Marco Portman

Well, at least I got a free pen out of it.


Gregory Tovar

Hundreds Of Golden Retrievers Gather In Scotland To Celebrate Breed's Anniversary

Hundreds of golden retrievers and their owners gathered in the Highlands of Scotland for a four-day festival to celebrate the dog breed's 155th anniversary. What do you think?


Maya Hubbard

Just one thrown tennis ball away from a deadly stampede.


Bijan Shepard

See, not everything that comes from inbreeding is bad!


Seymour Biddle

Trump Receives Target Letter In January 6th Investigation

Former President Donald Trump received a letter informing him that he is a target of the Justice Department's investigation into efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 presidential election. What do you think?

It's suspicious that they already had his address.


Rose Nichols

Opening and reading a letter sounds like something Donald Trump would do, sure.


Rueben Macreavy

So now it's legal to have suspects in crimes?


Eli Kruse

Plane's Emergency Evacuation Slide Falls From Plane Headed To O'Hare Airport

The Federal Aviation Administration says it will be investigating an emergency evacuation slide that fell from an airliner and landed in the backyard of a home near Chicago's O'Hare International Airport. What do you think?

I actually feel safer knowing there's one less evacuation slide to fall on my head.


Zeke Metcalfe

I guess not enough passengers paid the extra $55 for a functioning emergency exit.


Ann Werle

Wow, somebody wanted that evacuation slide dead!


Carly Walker

U.S. Soldier Facing Disciplinary Action Flees Into North Korea

An American soldier who was facing disciplinary action bolted across the demarcation line into North Korea, effectively handing himself over to the regime run by Kim Jong-un and creating a fresh crisis for Washington in its dealings with the nuclear-armed state. What do you think?

He'll be happier in a more permissive setting.


Shane Fleming

Wait, so he voluntarily joined one of the world's worst human-rights violators and then went to North Korea?