Paul White

Do Toning Shoes Really Work?

As an early investor, I'd beg to differ.


Carmella Edwards

Do Toning Shoes Really Work?

A study by the University of Wisconsin–La Crosse suggests that toning shoes—special exercise shoes with rounded bottoms—provide no benefit over regular shoes. What do you think?

Oh, I didn't even realize they promised health benefits. I just love the way those rounded bottoms look on my heels.


Gina Neville

Phones May Help Diagnose STDs

British researchers are developing a computer chip that uses a smartphone and a saliva or urine sample to determine what, if any, sexually transmitted disease the user has. What do you think?

That should free up my gynecologist to help me figure out how to make an international call.


Jason Porter

Phones May Help Diagnose STDs

Great, another piece of technology I'm going to have to spend all afternoon teaching my parents to use.


Philip Modeliste

Phones May Help Diagnose STDs

How can a program tell the difference between a disease and if you just spilled some hot sauce down there earlier, for fun?


Joe Hopper

Cigarette Packaging May Graphically Depict Disease

To underscore the dangers of smoking, the FDA has proposed requiring packs of cigarettes to carry images of diseased lungs or corpses. What do you think?

If only my grandmother had smoked long enough to see this.


Grace Stipe

That's nothing. In Canada, they put a personalized eulogy on each pack.


Carlos Pierce

That packaging sounds very similar to our Christmas wrapping paper, for you see, I come from a family of monsters. Alas, I am the only normal-looking one, and my family's secret shame.


Keith Fair

Clinton To Appear In 'Hangover 2'

People magazine reported that former president Bill Clinton would appear in the sequel to the popular Todd Phillips comedy The Hangover. What do you think?

This is the worst casting choice since Sen. William Proxmire appered as Hippie No. 5 in I Love You, Alice B. Toklas.


Dana Sluggett

Clinton To Appear In 'Hangover 2'

Good to hear that Todd Phillips and Bill Clinton are ending their decadelong feud over the ratification of NAFTA.


Christian Weulfing

Clinton To Appear In 'Hangover 2'

Losing all that weight 'for Chelsea's wedding' my ass.


Susie Washam

Zero Percent Of Lesbian-Raised Children Report Abuse

According to a study from the UCLA, zero percent of children who were raised by a lesbian couple reported being victims of physical or sexual abuse. What do you think?

Give me a second—I'm sure I can figure out how a little bit of child abuse is all part of God's plan.


Kevin Bradford

Yeah, but 100 percent of those kids' parents are total lesbians.


Kevin Sims

Based on my knowledge, they probably don't have much time to interact with their children at all given that they're always slowly taking off each other's matching cheerleader uniforms or playfully sudsing one another up.


Tom Carthy

Prince William Engaged

The engagement of Prince William to his longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton was announced Tuesday. What do you think?

Young man dressed like Thurston Howell III, check. Young woman with a slightly horsey build, check. Obscenely expensive ring from the monarchy's private collection, check. Yep, looks like a British royal engagement to me.


Perry Ireland

Prince William Engaged

People are probably jumping all over her about being after the family's money, but she's been with him for eight years. I don't see why she shouldn't be promoted.


Marianne Rizzo

Prince William Engaged

She knows that being decapitated for not producing a male heir is part of the deal, right?


Caroline Wheeler

Should Boys Get HPV Vaccine?

Medical professionals are currently deciding whether using the HPV vaccine to decrease the risk of certain cancers in boys is worth the cost of the immunization treatment. What do you think?

Absolutely they should! Helping kids realize their dream of low-risk, condomless sex is why I became an epidemiologist in the first place.


Matt Fingerman

Should Boys Get HPV Vaccine?

This vaccine could easily be administered during a mass embarrassing physical at school.


Robert Flake

Should Boys Get HPV Vaccine?

What? Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it's the woman's job to make sure she doesn't get something from the man.


Tony Pandolph

Harry Potter Opens At No. 1

The seventh installment in the Harry Potter movie series, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1, opened No. 1 at the box office this weekend with a worldwide take of $330 million. What do you think?

Wow. I can't say for sure, but I bet that's one of the best openings for the first part of a sixth sequel in movie history.


Laurie McCarthy

Harry Potter Opens At No. 1

That's ridiculous. Those people could've spent that money chipping away at Ireland's national debt.


Scott Murrell

Harry Potter Opens At No. 1

I'm glad this franchise is finally wrapping up. My Hogwarts outfit from opening night of Sorcerer's Stone has become uncomfortably snug.


Carrie Pfahler

Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job

A memo from the Department of Energy reported that, between 2007 and 2009, there were 16 incidents of agents transporting nuclear weapons while drunk. What do you think?

That is unacceptable. What, do these people think they're emergency room surgeons or something?


Charles Schwarzenbach

Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job

What I want to know is, did they have the weapons at the bar with them, and did they take any photos of hot girls licking them?


Warren Bauermeister

Report: Nuke Watchers Drunk On Job

Do you happen to know if the DOE is currently hiring any more drunks?


Jenn Ashley

St. Louis Rated Most Dangerous City

A study of crime statistics showed that, with 2,070.1 violent crimes per 100,000 residents, St. Louis was the most violent city in the United States in 2009. What do you think?

Well, it is such a depressing, pessimistic city, what with that gigantic frown monument they have there.


Jeff Ouimet

St. Louis Rated Most Dangerous City

I believe it. I kill people in St. Louis all the time.


Jerry Puleo

St. Louis Rated Most Dangerous City

Are you serious? But I was just there last summer, and it was fine! The zoo smelled a little too much, and the river was muddy, and my friend was shot, but everyone I met was very nice!


Olivier Smith

Americans Give Thanks

Today, Americans across the nation are celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you think?

I got up at 4 a.m. to give my Sims character a jump on meal prep.


Ted Lucht

Americans Give Thanks

I really think this is gonna be the year my step-mother finally remembers that I'm a vegetarian.


Livia Kurson

Americans Give Thanks

I'll be enjoying a quiet, restful evening alone. At least Friday will be a little different once someone discovers my body.


Theresa Carr

Responsible Holiday Drinking

People tend to drink more over the holiday season. How will you drink responsibly this year?

I'm trying to schedule so I it get it all done before lunch.


Jerry Rudin

Responsible Holiday Drinking

Jumbo loaf of Wonder Bread. Eat two slices with every Jell-o shot and you're out of the weeds.


Jason Woolery

Responsible Holiday Drinking

I will ask my kids to close their eyes and cover their ears every time I take a shot.


Damon Meline

'Sarah Palin's Alaska' Ratings Fall

The number of viewers of the Sarah Palin reality series Sarah Palin's Alaska fell 40 percent between the first and second episodes. What do you think?

It's jarring to see Sarah Palin in a travelogue when you know her as a serious politician.


Beth Smythe

'Sarah Palin's Alaska' Ratings Fall

I thought I could be a more effective Sarah Palin fan if I quit halfway through the first episode.


Ian Wilson

'Sarah Palin's Alaska' Ratings Fall


Carlos Menuck

Color-Coded Alert System Canceled

The Department of Homeland Security is discontinuing the color-coded threat advisory system that has been in place since March 2002. What do you think?

That's probably for the best. I was getting sick of forgetting to check the advisory before traveling.


Bailey Moya

Color-Coded Alert System Canceled

I think Obama should replace it with a simple yes-or-no system that tells you when it's okay to be racist.


Luke Pezzente

Color-Coded Alert System Canceled

Uh-oh, we're in the worst state—no color at all.


Phyllis Bryant

Senate Passes Massive Food-Safety Bill

In an effort to prevent food-borne illnesses, the Senate has passed new legislation—the most comprehensive of its kind in 70 years—that would give the Food and Drug Administration more powers of inspection. What do you think?

Government should just get out of the way and let the market decide how many food-borne illnesses people want.


Tim Girt

Senate Passes Massive Food-Safety Bill

I knew something like this would happen after Schumer chose The Jungle as last month's Senate Book Club selection.


Kyle Trudeau

Senate Passes Massive Food-Safety Bill


Cindy Davis

Antimicrobials May Compromise Immune System

Researchers at the University of Michigan School of Public Health found that young people with high levels of triclosan, an antimicrobial agent commonly found in soaps, were at greater risk for allergies. What do you think?

Oh, please! You don't have to tell me what triclosan is. I'm an excellent mother, and as soon as my boy turns 18 and can walk on the street without me, he'll say the same. DON'T TOUCH THAT, MATT. Excuse me, I have to take my boy to the hospital.


Lou Ketcham

Which antimicrobial agent am I supposed to use, if not triclosan? Chloroxylenol? Give me a break.


Ronny Waterson

Clearly, I don't use soap. Looks like ol' Ronny is skatin' by once again!


Frank Amar

Snoop Dogg Writes Song For Prince William

Rapper Calvin "Snoop Dogg"" Broadus has dedicated his new single ""Wet"" to the occasion of Prince William's bachelor party. What do you think?"

Nothing can compare with the Pointer Sisters dedicating 'Slow Hand' to Prince Charles' bachelor party in 1981.


Jenna Cawdron

So what? Kate Middleton's bachelorette party is going to feature penis straws. Girls rule!


Israel Johnson

That's a pretty good way to become friends with a prince.


Byron Tellier-Craig

Couple Puts Abortion Option To Online Vote

After holding a vote on their website to determine whether or not they would obtain an abortion, Pete and Alisha Arnold of Apple Valley, MN will be carrying their zygote to term. What do you think?

We may have lost this round, but we'll see if this kid still manages to survive when we vote again four years from now.


Laura Walker

How else would you decide on an abortion? Trust and open communication? What is this, the '40s?


Quentin Littlefair

If you can't decide whether or not to have a baby, there's only one choice: have it but raise it as if you didn't want to have it. That's called compromise.


its price recently lowered to $69

Unabomber Property Down In Price

A 1.4-acre plot of land in Montana where Theodore "The Unabomber"" Kaczynski lived is up for sale

That would be the perfect place to park my Kevorkian van.


Unabomber Property Down In Price

Boy, that's rough. I hope he saved up some of that money he made from Unabombing people.


Unabomber Property Down In Price

That's okay. I've got my eye on a nice piece of land with four viable exits and clear sight lines to the Pennsylvania Capitol Building.


Alex Friedman

Kelsey Grammer Engaged

Though a divorce from his current wife has not been finalized, Kelsey Grammer, 55, best known for his portrayal of Dr. Frasier Crane on Cheers and Frasier, is engaged to 29-year-old flight attendant Kayte Walsh. What do you think?

Whatever. Everybody knows Frasier has to end up with Lilith.


Tam Lewis

Kelsey Grammer Engaged

Why would such a respected veteran actor want to marry someone so young with such a menial job? It makes no sense.


Yvonne Babb

Kelsey Grammer Engaged

Well, that just sucks. I guess I'll just have to settle for the guy who played his brother.


Kyra Walters

Defenders Of Wikileaks Cripple Credit Cards

After MasterCard and Visa stopped letting customers use their services to send financial support to Wikileaks, hackers targeted the credit cards' websites, making them difficult to access for most of Wednesday. What do you think?

That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure Americans just did what they do best: used the cash they had on hand for the things they really needed and waited until they'd saved up enough to purchase any luxury items.


Mike Totino

What kind of fascist corporate sheep own a MasterCard in the first place? And I'll go you one further: Fuck the capitalist-puppet Internet and its decadent bourgeois hacker-lackeys, too. There. Wriggle out of that one.


Ed von Trapp

Actually, I think that was mostly me. I kept resubmitting my credit card info to Blinds.com over and over until I realized I put the expiration date in wrong. Sorry.


Ray Hanway

Tech Advances Of 2010

What were your favorite tech advances of 2010?


Sharron Hellickson

Tech Advances Of 2010

Evervid, the first birth control pill to allow women up to 36 periods a year.


Hugh Cohan

Tech Advances Of 2010

I thought all the bombs that did not blow up in Times Square or on those UPS planes were great. They were a big improvement over years past.


Fernando Felter

The Future Of High Speed Rail

Many states are returning the federal money allocated for high-speed rail projects. What do you think?

Maybe more states would embrace these trains if they were just a bit dirtier and slower.


Melisa Boxx

The Future Of High Speed Rail

It gives you so much less time to solve each murder before the train stops.


Sarah Palin

The Future Of High Speed Rail

This reminds me of when I told Congress thanks but no thanks on that Bridge to Nowhere.


Sharron Bentler

Paper Proposes One-Way Trips To Mars

An article in the Journal Of Cosmology suggests that in order to make a manned flight to Mars an affordable reality in the near future, plans should not include a return trip. What do you think?

Of course! Russia saved billions by using the same strategy for its submarine program.


Darryl Morejon

Paper Proposes One-Way Trips To Mars

They ought to send my wife! You see, she's an astronaut, and it's always been her dream to go to Mars.


Dale Gibson

Paper Proposes One-Way Trips To Mars

Have all current and former members of Kiss been contacted about this exciting opportunity to advance science and the human race?


Dane Akin

Corpse Of Astronomer Tycho Brahe Exhumed

Researchers are exhuming the remains of Tycho Brahe to determine the cause of the Danish astronomer's death in 1601. What do you think?

C'mon, can't an astronomer-mummy hunter catch a break for a few days? I just finished putting down Sagan.


Mike Ward

That was delightfully random. Thanks for putting a spring in my step today, researchers.


Judy Schaal

The guy had a supposedly clairvoyant court-jester dwarf who sat under the table during dinner and a tame elk that would drink beer with you. Who gives a shit how he died? Let's celebrate his life!


Anne Burdick

Travelers Against Body Scanners

The TSA has met with a great deal of resistance over the invasiveness of its new body-scanning technology in airports. What do you think?

If you don't want a bunch of strangers looking at you naked, then what the hell are you doing flying on an airplane?


Perry Garcia

Travelers Against Body Scanners

I just lost twenty pounds. Have fun jacking off to the new me.


Larry Vuaghan

Travelers Against Body Scanners

At the very least, they should stop trying to sell you a printed photo of your body-scan for $20 as soon as you step out of the machine.


Liam Heathrow

U.S. Homes Lost $1.7 Trillion

According to the website Zillow.com, the value of all American homes fell $1.7 trillion in 2010. What do you think?

That's great news, as I'm in the market for all American homes.


Denise Carruthers

U.S. Homes Lost $1.7 Trillion

On the plus side, these never-ending economic catastrophes are giving me a much better conceptual feel for massive numbers.


Nick Doyle

U.S. Homes Lost $1.7 Trillion

Wow. Someone should really just tear those homes down and build new, more valuable homes, then, right?


Lewis Tovey

Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky

Investigators are collecting the bodies of blackbirds in the small Arkansas town of Beebe after thousands of the birds fell from the sky on New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. What do you think?

Beebe, Arkansas? Isn't that the place with the world's largest living-room picture window?


Betty Bonney

Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky

There are thousands of bird corpses in our supermarkets, but you don't see that making the news.


Rob Adamson

Arkansas Birds Fell From Sky

I bet if investigators look hard enough they'll find those birds are full of ticks. It has been a terrible year for ticks.


Lindsey Rafferty

Crisis Provokes Anger At God

According to a study published in the Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, two out of three people become angry with God following traumatic events, such as a cancer diagnosis. What do you think?

That's just silly. God only has control over things like helping you find a great parking spot or allowing you to get home in time to watch Cake Boss.


Dan Egan

Crisis Provokes Anger At God

That's got to be really frustrating for the Devil.


Stealer

Crisis Provokes Anger At God

If this study doesn't convince God to stop doing terrible things, I don't know what will.


Quentin King

New 'Huckleberry Finn' Edited For Language

A new edition of the Mark Twain classic Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, forthcoming next month from NewSouth Books, will replace every use of the word "nigger"" with the word ""slave."" What do you think?"

In my classroom, we replace every use of the word 'slave' with 'nigger.' The only reason I haven't been fired is because no one wants to be a teacher.


Victor Duprix

Oh, please. I thought of that years ago when I took a ballpoint pen and replaced every instance of the word 'rape' in The Color Purple with 'unfortunate sexual happening.'


Sara Graham

Wait, is that what that word means? I've been using it all wrong.


Elizabeth Guy

Robert Gibbs Stepping Down

While House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced he would be leaving his position as White House press secretary to work as a political adviser. What do you think?

Hey, that's great, because I was just thinking about how I could really use a press secretary right now.


Gary Whitten

Robert Gibbs Stepping Down

I think I could make a good press secretary. You just have to tell the truth, right?


Stan Egner

Robert Gibbs Stepping Down

That's it. No more. I honestly cannot memorize any more names.


Bob Nanini

White House Seeks Massive Military Cuts

The Pentagon has been ordered to slow its growth and ultimately reduce Army and Marine forces by nearly 6 percent. What do you think?

Good on the military for saving money. Do you know how many envelopes the average Navy SEAL goes through every week?


Amy Gray

White House Seeks Massive Military Cuts

Then why did we leave Iraq? That place was doing wonders for the reduction of troop levels.


Sean Ridgeway

White House Seeks Massive Military Cuts

The government is reducing military spending but cutting millionaires' taxes? Ronald Reagan must be starting to roll over in his grave, hearing about the tax cuts for the rich, and then stopping.


Keith Davies

History Channel Aborts Kennedys Miniseries

The History Channel has decided not to air The Kennedys, an eight-part miniseries starring Greg Kinnear as John Kennedy and Katie Holmes as Jackie Kennedy, saying it was "not a fit for the History brand."" What do you think?"

Oh, my God. I'll always remember this street corner as the place I was when I heard the The Kennedys was canceled.


Margaret Bitney

Did the History Channel just figure out now that the Kennedys are Irish?


Colby Pope

Wait. How is a movie that's super long and boring not a good fit for the History Channel?


Linda Schneiderman

Sitting Increases Heart Disease Risk

In a recent study, people who spent more than four leisure-time hours a day sitting in front of a TV or computer screen showed a 48 percent increased risk of death. What do you think?

That's fine for rich people who can afford to hire someone to hold them up while they stand, but what are the rest of us supposed to do?


Greg Bartek

Sitting Increases Heart Disease Risk

That explains the giant field hospital at last year's San Diego Comic-Con.


Julio Hernandez

Sitting Increases Heart Disease Risk

Good thing I prefer watching my programs in an adult-sized bouncy harness.


Dan Hatch

Tucson Keeps Church Protesters Away

The infamous Westboro Baptist Church called off plans to protest the funerals of those killed during the attempted assassination of Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in exchange for appearances on live radio programs in the Tucson area and elsewhere. What to you think?

Bring them on. Arizona can take it. It absorbs crazy like a fist thrust into sourdough.


George Phipps

Tucson Keeps Church Protesters Away

Good. I'm keen to hear their carefully considered opinions.


Allie Turner

Tucson Keeps Church Protesters Away

I'm a big fan of the First Amendment and the rule of law and everything, but what if, just this once, the FBI and the Tucson police went to the movies for a couple hours while we tuned these bastards up with pipes?


Lydia Graves

Anti-Smoking Aid Tops List Of Violence-Linked Medications

In a study from Institute for Safe Medication Practices, the smoking-cessation medication varenicline (sold as Chantix in the United States) topped a list of the ten legal drugs most linked to violence. What do you think?

Man, I tell you. I'll never regret quitting, but whenever I see a man come unhinged and punch someone in a bar, all I want to do is take Chantix again. Just once.


Carol Fitzgerald

And they can't even warn you by blowing smoke in your face first.


Jonah Lacy

That's better than the side effects of my weight loss medicine. WhoooOOOooo!


Al Gibbs

Power Of Imagination May Help Dieters

A study by Carnegie Mellon researchers showed that when subjects spent time imagining they were eating a particular kind of candy, they ate less of that candy than did control groups. What do you think?

I'm not sure I follow you. Where's the candy?


Tina Avila

Power Of Imagination May Help Dieters

That sounds easier than me using my powers of eating less and exercising.


Norbert Bacich

Power Of Imagination May Help Dieters

How does one go about gaining admittance to this delicious 'control group'?


Udo Cox

'Baby Doc' Returns To Haiti

Former dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc"" Duvalier returned to Haiti nearly 25 years after he was deposed in a coup. What do you think?"

Never heard of him. Was he one of our dictators?


Carrie Allen

'Baby Doc' Returns To Haiti

Maybe he left something there. The last time I packed in a hurry I forgot my toothbrush and my phone charger.


Pete Gray

'Baby Doc' Returns To Haiti

That's terrific news! Haiti sure could use all the doctors it can get right now.


Dawn Jones

Starbucks Introduces 31-Ounce Cup

On Tuesday, Starbucks introduced its largest-ever drink size, a 31-ounce cup for iced beverages called the Trenta. What do you think?


Corey Letts

Starbucks Introduces 31-Ounce Cup

Finally. I don't know how they thought we were supposed to wash down their 5-pound, giantasco-sized scones.


Joe Donovan

Starbucks Introduces 31-Ounce Cup

Is it me, or do people just not have to pee like they used to?


Timothy Geithner

Blockbuster Asks Creditors For Money

Faltering video-rental behemoth Blockbuster Inc. is asking its bondholders for $200 to $250 million so it can exit bankruptcy. What do you think?

I'd love to help, but Mrs. Geithner and I already loaned AIG $170 billion, so we're a little short at the moment.


Kurt Williams

Blockbuster Asks Creditors For Money

Will they accept mailed-in payments, or do you have to drop it in the return slot?


Heather Roberts

Blockbuster Asks Creditors For Money

Speaking of, have we still not found Harry And The Hendersons? Did anyone look behind the basement couch? This family is the worst.


Erica Johnson

Lieberman Not Running For Re-Election

Senator and one-time vice-presidential candidate Joe Lieberman (I-CT) announced that he would not run for a fifth term in 2012. What do you think?

I don't know why. He had the miserable asshole vote pretty much locked up.


Lou Rutherford

Lieberman Not Running For Re-Election

Wow, 24 years. I'll always remember that single good time.


Paul Liebermann

Lieberman Not Running For Re-Election

When it comes to being passionate about politics, Joe Lieberman and I have a thing or two in common. When it comes to how we spell our last names, though, I spell mine with two n's.


Terry James

127 Charged In Mob Sweep

In the largest mob crackdown in U.S. history, the FBI has targeted 30 made members and nearly 100 associates of the Mafia in New York, New Jersey, and Rhode Island. What do you think?

Great, now everyone is going to know that I'm not really in the mob.


Samantha Mahew

127 Charged In Mob Sweep

It's high time they cleaned up that corrupt and lawless backwater city. Now if New York could only prevent the wealthy elite from purchasing the mayorship.


Will Degville

127 Charged In Mob Sweep

With the Rhode Island gang locked up and cider season over, the New Hampshire and Vermont crews are poised to raise some hell in New England.


Ben Barsocchini

Olbermann Abruptly Leaves MSNBC

Without any advance notice, MSNBC Countdown host Keith Olbermann announced during his program Friday that the show that night would be his last. What do you think?

But the only way I'm able to access the news is through descending numerical order. This is terrible.


Christie Folsom

Olbermann Abruptly Leaves MSNBC

Olbermann left the way all my men have: abruptly and with no explanation, but with a lesbian to take care of my needs.


Jay Brallier

Olbermann Abruptly Leaves MSNBC


Tabitha Sharkey

Obama Delivers State Of The Union

Last night, President Barack Obama delivered his second State of the Union address. What do you think?

I'm going out to win the future right now!


Danny O'Neill

Obama Delivers State Of The Union

For all his talk about bipartisanship, Obama didn't mind delivering the State of the Union without letting a single Republican speak, did he?


Ward Bradley

Obama Delivers State Of The Union

I really enjoyed watching the rejected visions for America's future they showed during the closing credits.


Tammy Pomerleau

L-Cup Bra Introduced

Lingerie company Bravissimo introduced the world's first L-cup bra as part of their spring collection. What do you think?

I've wanted to try the L, but it's impossible to get near that part of the store when it gets busy.


John Hischke

L-Cup Bra Introduced

I have to admit that I find that a turn-on. Not the huge breasts thing, but the intense back and shoulder pain.


Michael Perkolup

L-Cup Bra Introduced

I'm a butt man myself—you have any stories on butt stuff?


Lucinda Green

States Eyeing Texting-While-Walking Legislation

Following the first increase in pedestrian fatalities in four years, some states are considering banning the use of electronic devices like cell phones and MP3 players in crosswalks. What do you think?

Now that you mention it, I have noticed I'm running over more people than usual.


Kevin Barr

Those little screens are dangerous. That's why I use a legal pad and fountain pen when I need to compose a message on the go.


Alberto Rodriguez

But running over a stupid pedestrian was how I met my wife! She's paralyzed now!


John Kelliher

Walgreens Rolls Out Store-Brand Beer

The drug-store chain Walgreens has introduced Big Flats 1901, a budget beer that prices in at $2.99 a six-pack, in 4,600 of its stores. What do you think?

Well, 1901 was a good year for shitty beer.


Pam Dailor

Walgreens Rolls Out Store-Brand Beer

It really is a great value. The beer's 'compare to Icehouse' label showed me that it has the exact same active ingredient in the exact same amount.


Kelly Sanders

Walgreens Rolls Out Store-Brand Beer

If it's half as good as the store-brand dental floss, sign me up!


Alex Watts-Russell

Will.i.am Named Creative Director Of Intel

Computer-chip manufacturer Intel named Black Eyed Peas bandleader Will.i.am its director of creative innovation, signing him to a multiyear contract. What do you think?

He's out of his depth. When you think 'microprocessor design,' you think 'Fergie.'


Beth Fryer

I'm not sure how much of a challenge this presents to China's supercomputing dominance.


Tyler Sharp

If Will.i.am truly had any business acumen, he would become creative director of Birds Eye frozen foods instead. This would make more sense because people already associate him with peas. That's just good branding. Understand?


Azita Oveisi

Intel Ships Flawed Chip

On Monday, computer-chip manufacturer Intel announced that its new Cougar Point chip had a flaw, and that rectifying the situation would cost the company $1 billion. What do you think?

Are they positive the chips are defective? Because my company thought the same thing, but it turned out the problem was a worm created by Mossad and the NSA.


Ken Devoto

Intel Ships Flawed Chip

I only wish the chip in my brain had a flaw. It's still working perfectly. That's the government for you.


Louis Gerard

Intel Ships Flawed Chip

First they accidentally hire Will.i.am and now this. Intel can't catch a break.


Super Bowl Draws Underage Prostitutes

The Super Bowl is "one of the biggest human-trafficking events in the United States

according to Texas attorney general Greg Abbott

and police have vowed to crack down on underage prostitution this year in Dallas. What do you think?"

Well, there's safety in numbers. Ben Roethlisberger can't possibly rape them all.


Super Bowl Draws Underage Prostitutes

That takes some of the magic out of the Kiss Cam.


Super Bowl Draws Underage Prostitutes

Underage sex-trafficking at the Super Bowl? Not if Packer Nation has a say! Packer-Backer Anti-Child-Slavery Super Robot, engage!


Fred Munson

White Stripes Break Up

According to an announcement on their website, the White Stripes have broken up "to preserve what is beautiful and special about the band."" What do you think?"

Meg just needs to audition a new guitarist/songwriter/ex-husband/creative genius and get the show back on the road.


Melanie Speckman

White Stripes Break Up

Stop freaking me out like that! For a second there I thought you were saying Crest Whitestrips had been discontinued.


Joe Mears

White Stripes Break Up

I'd like to go on record as predicting the dates they'll reunite. I'm saying Mar. 22, 2015 for a one-off show and Oct. 5, 2017 for a full-blown tour.


Phyllis Rader

Is The Internet Full?

Last week, the organization that assigns IP addresses—unique numbers that identify the "location"" of every device connected to the Internet—handed out its last available digits. What do you think?"


Matt Skelly

Is The Internet Full?

I've said it for years—we have got to think of more numbers!


Jim Delfini

Is The Internet Full?

Maybe it's time to stop assigning Internet locations and start assigning Internet destinations. The Internet: Tomorrow Is Today.


Adam Rubenstein

Commemorating Reagan's 100th

Sunday marked the 100th birthday of the late President Ronald Wilson Reagan. How did you remember him?

I thought it would be a nice gesture to set aside my personal prejudices for the day and sell a shit ton of weapons to some Iranian dude.


Ceecee Bryan

Commemorating Reagan's 100th

I spent exorbitant sums of money I didn't have but then convinced my family how important it is to live within our means.


Lawrence Bakija

Commemorating Reagan's 100th

I'm really too young to remember much about Ronald Reagan, but I haven't let that stop me from elevating him to Messiah-like status.


Ruby Kahn

AOL To Acquire Huffington Post

Internet company AOL announced it would purchase media aggregator site The Huffington Post for $315 million. What do you think?

This might be the thing to make my dad drop his dial-up service once and for all.


Chris Colby

AOL To Acquire Huffington Post

The only part of the deal that seemed a tad raw to me is the fact that Arianna Huffington is required to change her name to Arianna AOL. But, you have to pick your battles, I guess.


Tim Serbousek

AOL To Acquire Huffington Post

Wow, I never thought I'd live to see the day when the Internet reached its true potential.


Max Fortis

Study: Popular Children Meaner

A paper published in the American Sociological Review found that the more teens struggled to be popular in their schools, the more aggressive they were. What do you think?

Kids need to know that you can get just as popular by kissing ass.


Tim Spiegel

Study: Popular Children Meaner

I don't know about this. My kid's a huge asshole, but he's not popular at all.


Sandra Birnbach

Study: Popular Children Meaner

My own work hasn't shown that popular children are mean, but rather that dorkwads and rejects tend to be thin-skinned crybabies.


Becca Pendon

Assange's Police Documents Leaked

Swedish police reports documenting charges against Julian Assange for the rape of two women were leaked online. What do you think?


Bernal

Assange's Police Documents Leaked

Boy, I bet he's mad enough to squash a grape in his bare hand.


Tony Davis

Assange's Police Documents Leaked

That is exactly what the media wants us to think. Well, I won't do it. To me, he'll always be a fun-loving guy who plays a little fast and loose with consent.


Marc Valensi

Strokes On Rise In Young And Middle-Aged

Since 1995, the number of strokes among Americans age 15 to 34 has risen 51 percent for men and 17 percent for women. What do you think?

That's encouraging. I really have a thing for ladies with right-side-dominant motor function, and it's never been easy to meet them in my age group.


Renée Hammond

Similarly, the number of people receiving $5 bills and a secondhand greeting card on their birthdays has spiked nearly 90 percent.


Todd Fraiture

It's time that Billy Squier comes to terms with the fact that his song affects more people than simply those givin' him the business all night long.


Alex Brill

Justice Thomas Marks 5 Years Of Court Silence

Next week will mark the fifth anniversary of the last time Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke aloud while hearing a case. What do you think?

I never thought of Clarence Thomas as a mysterious bad boy with a dark past, but now that he's not speaking, I can't help but want to know more. Wow. He's good.


Paula Kirby

It's a shame, because that Georgian man's voice sounds so elegant, sounds like it's been greased with butter and danced with till midnight.


Jeff Chung

Hey, cut us a break. We had to install that model in '91. Back then you could either have a realistic looking Supreme Court Justicebot or one that could talk, but not both.


Esther Stroughter

Clothing Prices Expected To Rise 10%

Retail clothing prices, which have dropped over the past decade, may soon spike by 10 percent percent as the cost of cotton reaches record highs. What do you think?

You don't scare me, clothing. You need me. You depend on me. Without me, you don't make any sense.


Dwayne Echlin

Clothing Prices Expected To Rise 10%

Wow. I've been looking for a reason to justify my increased promiscuity, and while this information doesn't do that, it does justify my laundry theft.


Horatio Segal

Clothing Prices Expected To Rise 10%

I would blame this on Big Cotton, but that's my cat's name, and I know Scrabbles didn't do it, either.


Bob Picciotto

Billy Ray Cyrus: 'Hannah Montana' Ruined Family

In an interview with GQ, singer Billy Ray Cyrus said that his daughter Miley's show Hannah Montana ruined their relationship. What do you think?

Anytime there's something wrong with a child, it's always 'blame the television show.'


Rex Lally

I had no idea Billy Ray Cyrus had such a—how shall I put this—hurting, shatter-prone sense of affection.


Paulina Canty

It was worth it to me. I love that show!


Liz Gillard

Chicago Population Falling

Urban flight over the past 10 years has left Chicago with its lowest population since the 1920 census. What do you think?

It's probably just that the census has stopped counting dead people since there's no Daley running for mayor.


Tony Petkovic

Chicago Population Falling

Tell me about it. I went downtown the other day and only saw 678 people.


Rob Eierdam

Chicago Population Falling

That's just the berries, Mac! I 23-skiddooed back when that little town got too big for its britches—yeah, turned into a real flat tire. But if you say it's thinned out and is all hotsy-totsy again like it was in the Roaring Twenties, then I best grab my dolled-up tomato here and swing on over for an old juice-joint gimlet on State Street. What do you say, Gertie?


Sigmund Wood

TSA Screeners Steal $160K

A pair of TSA screeners were caught stealing $39,000 from a passenger's bag and have since admitted to thefts totaling at least $160,000. What do you think?

They found that $80,000 in cash I was carrying in my bag? Sweet! Where can I meet with the authorities to get it back?


Jill Bevan

TSA Screeners Steal $160K

Ask them if they stole my 5 dollars. One time I went to the airport and I was pretty sure I had 25 dollars but then I only had 18. I bought a 2-dollar candy bar.


Adam Tandy

TSA Screeners Steal $160K

I guess they got suspicious when they noticed the airport screeners suddenly having enough money to support themselves.


Marty Lewis

Thousands Injured By Cribs Annually

A report in the journal Pediatrics found that nearly 10,000 babies and infants are admitted to emergency rooms each year with injuries sustained in or by crawling out of cribs. What do you think?

Quick fixes like higher bars don't address the root cause of why babies want to jump out and die in the first place.


Lane Murphy

Thousands Injured By Cribs Annually

With all the science these days, you'd think we could have weeded the squirmy gene out of babies by now.


Nick Jones

Thousands Injured By Cribs Annually

My God, why would you ever want to leave your crib? It's warm and cozy, and it has that yummy teether, and that thing that projects stars over it at night.


Pam Verellen

Libyan Pilots Seek Asylum

After refusing to bomb a crowd of protesters, two Libyan air force pilots landed their jets in Malta and are now seeking political asylum. What do you think?

This is a golden opportunity for the Maltese military to leapfrog to the cutting edge of 1950s French jet-fighter technology.


Andy Knudson

Libyan Pilots Seek Asylum

This could make a great story. Is one of the pilots fussy, and the other one a big slob?


Ari Latona

Libyan Pilots Seek Asylum

Hey, how come when I wanted to defect, Malta told me they were closed?


Adam Darnell

Utah Group Moves To Recall Wisconsin Senators

A Utah-based group called American Recall Coalition has filed paperwork to recall eight Wisconsin state senators. What do you think?

Following their example, my fellow Pennsylvanians and I have filed paperwork to compel Moammar Qaddafi to step down in Libya.


Danny Browder

They'll need 128,000 signatures, but should be taken seriously. People from Utah generally know a thing or two about knocking on doors.


Crystal Kaegi

You had me with 'Utah-based.' Where do I sign?


Meredith Beatty

Justice Department Won't Defend DOMA

In a move that surprised observers, the Obama administration announced Wednesday that the Department of Justice would no longer uphold the constitutionality of the Defense of Marriage Act. What do you think?

Well I hope they don't expect my wife and I to do it, because we've got our hands full defending Christmas.


Paul Maodush

Justice Department Won't Defend DOMA


Larry Ziegahn

Justice Department Won't Defend DOMA

Why're you asking me? I knew this shirt made me look gay. Thanks, Mom!


Will Snider

Reid: Kill The Brothels

Suggesting Nevada's legal brothels make it difficult to attract businesses, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) urged state lawmakers to consider outlawing prostitution. What do you think?

Reid is right. When people hear Nevada, they should think nuclear waste disposal, not prostitution.


Quinn Rose

Reid: Kill The Brothels

Sorry, but I just think my store Ohio Hats belongs right here in the great state of Ohio.


Victor Murchy

Reid: Kill The Brothels

Is it too late to let that crazy lady be senator?


Terry Landmark

New Facebook App Tells You Suitors Waiting

WaitingRoom, a new Facebook application, lets users in a relationship know when other people become interested in them romantically, revealing these secret admirers' identities only when users switch their status to "single."" What do you think?"

Not for me, thanks. I prefer to let my crush know that I'm interested the old-fashioned way: waiting outside her garage door until she goes to put out the trash, then leaping out at her and giving her a hug.


Danielle Coombs

I'm a Southern lady with traditional values. I prefer that prospective gentlemen callers first declare their intentions through my father's Facebook page.


Wallace Peters

I can't believe it. This is a blatant rip-off of Adult Friendfinder's 'Sloppy Seconds' app.


Pauline Grimley

Last American WWI Veteran Dies

Frank Buckles, the last living American World War I veteran, died on his West Virginia farm at 110. What do you think?

Noted. And what losses on the Austro-Hungarian side?


Connor Rae

Last American WWI Veteran Dies

Now we will have nobody to ignore on Armistice Day.


Dave Ratter

Last American WWI Veteran Dies

I'm going to march right down to the DMV today and ask that old clerk about Vietnam before it's too late.


Lyle Shelley

Huckabee Claims Obama Grew Up In Kenya

In a radio interview, former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee wrongly stated that President Obama grew up in Kenya with his Kenyan grandfather. What do you think?

It's impossible to know where the president grew up unless he releases his official long-form growing-up records.


Frank Gordon

Huckabee Claims Obama Grew Up In Kenya

Well, how would Mike Huckabee know that unless Mike Huckabee was growing up next door to Barack Obama in Kenya himself?


Anne Ibold

Huckabee Claims Obama Grew Up In Kenya

No, no, no—he was just born in Kenya. He got his terrorism training somewhere else.


Laura DeMarinis

Texas Immigration Bill Includes Domestic-Worker Loophole

The Texas Legislature is considering a bill that would imprison anyone who knowingly hires an illegal alien, except in cases where the employee is a maid, landscaper, or other household worker. What do you think?

That bill is going to come down unfairly hard on undocumented doctors and police.


Owen Ranaldo

That's good. Why should I be penalized just because my maid happens to like harvesting tomatoes?


Nate Edson

Just out of curiosity, how would this law apply to someone who runs a meatpacking operation out of their garage?


Kip Masterson

Phil Collins Retires

In an interview with FHM magazine, Phil Collins announced his retirement from music. What do you think?

All right, but he'd better not be singing in the shower.


Mary Parks

Phil Collins Retires

Oh, no. I was still holding out hope that his genius might produce another four seconds of musical magic like those unbelievable four seconds from 'In the Air Tonight' when the drums come in.


Arthur McConnell

Phil Collins Retires


Ira Brown

Young Adults, Teens Having Less Sex

According to a survey by the Guttmacher Institute, the number of teens and young adults who report they've never had intercourse has risen substantially. What do you think?

Getting laid doesn't hold the sway it used to over UC Berkeley early admission.


Laura Caro

Young Adults, Teens Having Less Sex

Well, maybe they're finally realizing that just hanging out and listening to FLY 92.6 while studying for your bio-chem test can be just as stimulating as getting fingered in the woods.


Jeff Finn

Young Adults, Teens Having Less Sex

This is obviously the fault of Hollywood. How are teens supposed to figure out how to do it in this multiplex desert barren of raucous teen sex comedies?


Sue Cameron

China Cracking Down On Foreign Journalists

In the wake of the upheaval in the Middle East, the Chinese government has been tracking, detaining, and even beating foreign journalists who have attempted to cover protests there. What do you think?

That explains all the 'Ahhs!' and 'Kabonks!' in the New York Times' world news columns.


Keith Winfield

If journalists would simply censor themselves, like they do here at home, they wouldn't face these kinds of threats.


Allen Brand

Believe me, this treatment isn't just reserved for visiting journalists. They do the same exact thing if you pound on Chairman Mao's crystal coffin.


Paul McGee

Pollution May Trigger Heart Attacks

An analysis of data by European researchers shows that 7.4 percent of heart attacks are triggered by exposure to roadway smog. What do you think?

Well at least Americans die free behind the wheel, maybe even with the top down, instead of cooped up in some Socialist European mass transit system.


Michael Innes

Pollution May Trigger Heart Attacks

Seriously? But sitting in traffic is the only thing that helps me remember what it was like to be employed.


Leah Popple

Pollution May Trigger Heart Attacks

Smog? No way. The movies make it perfectly clear that heart attacks are caused by sex, cocaine, or playfully chasing after your grandson with a big orange wedge in your mouth.


Jenna Gray

Subway Now Largest Restaurant Chain

Last year, the sandwich chain Subway surpassed McDonald's as the franchise restaurant with the most locations in the world. What do you think?

I hope Subway doesn't let this go to its head and become complacent about offering a mediocre meal at a barely reasonable price.


Lee Anderson

Subway Now Largest Restaurant Chain

Aha! I knew the fresh bread smell was getting stronger!


Jesse Seiber

Subway Now Largest Restaurant Chain

So a few hundred million of us like to watch people toast bread for 45 seconds, okay?


Eric Robinson

Human Progenitors Had Barbed Penises

According to a study published in the journal Nature, missing chunks of DNA show that human ancestors may once have had barbed penises. What do you think?


Patricia Thomison

Human Progenitors Had Barbed Penises

I was hoping upon hope you were going to say 'winged,' but no, you said 'barbed' instead.


Christopher Brugerman

Human Progenitors Had Barbed Penises

That all changed when we discovered we could use our hands to pick things up.


Rick Allison

State Department Spokesman Ousted

P.J. Crowley, a spokesman for the State Department, was forced to resign following comments he made at MIT about the alleged mistreatment of imprisoned Wikileaks source Pfc. Bradley Manning. What do you think?

This is why I never talk about someone who I know for a fact is being abused. It always causes way too much drama.


Lola Marino

State Department Spokesman Ousted

I got fired from my job for the same type of thing, only it was for pointing out that there were a lot of people taking 35-minute lunches besides Jenny and me.


Wallace Kenney

State Department Spokesman Ousted

Hey, I don't have a problem helping the government lie about torturing its own citizens. Can I have his job?


Vicki Stone

Nuclear Power Companies Hit Hard

In the wake of nuclear accidents following the massive earthquake and tsunami in Japan, investors drove down the prices of atomic-energy stocks. What do you think?

The investors are only concerned about the bottom line—which just happens to be melting right now.


Andrew Robinson

Nuclear Power Companies Hit Hard

That seems wrong. Shouldn't they be driving down the stock prices of those awful tectonic plates?


Jerome Errico

Nuclear Power Companies Hit Hard

Well, why invest in nuclear energy when you can get the radiation for free?


Gary Martini

Millionaires: It Takes $7.5 Million To Be Rich

In a recent survey, 42 percent of millionaires said they didn't feel rich and would need assets of around $7.5 million or more to feel wealthy. What do you think?

Fortunately, love and happiness still retail for around $4 million.


Douglas Graham

I get it. When I have $24, it's like, nothing. But the minute I hit $27, the world is my oyster.


Cynthia Stewart

Well, put yourself in my shoes. Do you have any idea what it's like to look your kid in the eye and tell him we have to put off his dentist appointment until ExxonMobil announces its quarterly dividend?


Lane McCreary

CIA Contractor Released With Blood Money Payment

Raymond Davis, a CIA security contractor employed in Pakistan and held captive for killing two men, was freed after the victims' families were paid around $2.3 million. What do you think?

Well, I'll be damned! That's exactly where I told that survey lady I'd like to see my tax dollars going.


Alexander Moulton

As a grown man whose wealthy parents have bailed him out dozens and dozens of times, I would just like to say: This usually works.


Jessica Gibson

Hmm, that seems like a lot of money for a Pakistani. I thought the CIA blue book value for a paying off Pakistani was in the $75,000-to-$150,000 range.


Miguel Allen

Nuke Fears Spark Potassium Iodide Poisoning

Poison control centers are starting to receive calls from people who are experiencing negative side effects from potassium iodide pills ingested due to fear that radiation from Japan will hit U.S. shores. What do you think?

So instead of controlling your own destiny, you'd rather just wait and see whether the radiation threat was real or not? Not me, mister.


Patsy Rizzo

And some of those people injured themselves trying to use the telephone.


Dutch Newmark

At a minimum, this sexes up the usual humdrum of 'My child drank Drano!' life at the poison control center a bit.


Evan Blackwell

New York Tour Bus Dangers

After two fatal tour bus accidents occurred in a single week, authorities in New York conducted random inspections in which 14 of 14 buses stopped were taken taken off the road for safety violations. What do you think?

It's a good thing they found all 14 of the bad buses.


Patricia Lordan

New York Tour Bus Dangers

You know, it'd be a lot more useful if the state would just release a list of commercial vehicles that unlicensed felons were allowed to operate.


Thomas Marcellino

New York Tour Bus Dangers

Huh. 'Buses'? That word looks funny, right? I know I'm saying this out loud, but when it's transcribed it'll probably look all weird. Then again, doesn't 'busses' look even weirder? I bet it does.


Allison Desjardins

More Men Getting Plastic Surgery

In 2010, 1.1 million men underwent cosmetic surgery, an increase of 2 percent. What do you think?

It's the 21st century: Why should women have a monopoly on shapely breasts?


Tony Lariva

More Men Getting Plastic Surgery

Can they make my arms longer? Because there's some good stuff on the top shelf at home I've been dying to get to.


Ben Duchac

More Men Getting Plastic Surgery

That's too bad. I've always thought of dangerous, potentially disfiguring procedures as being very feminine.


Will Pozner

South Dakota Enacts 3-Day Abortion Waiting Period

A new South Dakota law requires women to wait three days and attend counseling before having an abortion. What do you think?

It's not as bad as it sounds. You can easily sidestep the three-day waiting period by just going to an abortion show.


Dan Kreisinger

This is a great victory for us conservatives, who recognize that government intrusion is 100 percent necessary in this case and in absolutely no others.


Liz Sackin

It's good to have a cooling-off period while you consider other, more affordable options.


Dani Ridgeway

Report: Anthrax Attacks Could Have Been Prevented

According to psychiatric records, the scientist believed to have been responsible for five anthrax-by-mail deaths in 2001 had numerous psychological issues, including an obsession with a sorority. What do you think?

Darn, I was wrong. I thought for sure that it was done by a completely normal father of two in a stable, loving marriage.


Rick Alvin

Was the FBI working on this case for exactly one second per week?


Len Bateman

Jeez, they should've just let him in the sorority.


Nathaniel Albarn

Earliest Americans' Traces Found In Texas

Stone tools recently uncovered in a Texas creek valley were found to be 15,500 years old, making them the earliest known artifacts of what may have been the very first Americans. What do you think?

That same county also boasts traces of the very latest Americans.


Jane Hewlett

Well, at least they haven't named them yet, which means my tattoo is easily fixable.


Ben Nakamura

I'm just afraid this news is going to give Texans the impression that they're somehow superior to everyone else.


Simon Bonniwell

Burmese Pythons Hardier Than Thought

Despite record low temperatures and a drought in Florida, researchers caught six Burmese pythons in parts of the Everglades where they had not been seen before, indicating that the invasive species will be harder to get rid of than previously thought. What do you think?

They're just as afraid of you as you are of them. That's why they try to kill you so quickly.


Rebecca Edgar

Burmese Pythons Hardier Than Thought

I just hope they don't threaten the natural balance of SeaWorld.


Kirk Landon

Burmese Pythons Hardier Than Thought

I see no other option but to abandon Florida to the snakes.


Judy Halliday

Romantic Pain = Physical Pain

New research reveals that the reaction of the human brain to heartbreak is similar to its reaction to the experience of physical pain. What do you think?

No way. That would mean that being in love and experiencing physical pleasure would go hand in hand!


Ted Poling

Romantic Pain = Physical Pain

What happens if you're breaking up with an abusive boyfriend? Does your brain just explode?


Blaine Klaers

Romantic Pain = Physical Pain

Let me guess: It's the anterior cingulate cortex, right? That thing always acts up after I get dumped.


Todd Romweber

Perez Hilton Writing Children's Book

Celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton is writing a children's book entitled The Boy With Pink Hair to be published in September. What do you think?

My 3-year-old loves his blog. If only you could see all the dicks he drew in my cousin's wedding album.


Liam Smith

Perez Hilton Writing Children's Book

Luckily for him, a lot of things rhyme with slut.


Susan Petersen Kennedy

Perez Hilton Writing Children's Book

If he's half as good at entertaining children as he is at making the world terrible, we've got a bestseller on our hands.


Tina Erickson

Cutting Oil Imports By One Third

Faced with mounting criticism over rising fuel prices, President Obama is calling for more biofuels and domestic drilling, and for reducing consumption of foreign oil by one third over the next decade. What do you think?

At last, a specific fraction that I can relate to.


Dave Moodrian

Cutting Oil Imports By One Third

They should just put a 'Made in America' sticker on barrels of domestic oil, so I know which ones to buy when I'm out shopping for the family.


Carl Sanders

Cutting Oil Imports By One Third

Whatever happened to all that oil we were supposed to get from Iraq? Blood for oil, that was the deal, right?


Adam Donahue

GoDaddy CEO Posts Elephant Killing Video

Bob Parsons, the CEO of the web host GoDaddy.com, posted a video of himself killing an elephant in Africa, during which villagers wearing GoDaddy hats strip the elephant of its flesh. What do you think?

Villagers wearing GoDaddy hats! This I've got to see.


Suzane Molina

This would have never happened if Elephant.com would have just hosted with GoDaddy.


Justin Mercel

Well, I do have to admit this is sort of a let down after that commercial where he went around wearing the dripping husk of Danica Patrick.


Kyle Williams

FDA: Food Dye/Hyperactivity Data Inconclusive

A Food and Drug Administration panel concluded that a link between hyperactivity and food dyes was not borne out sufficiently by current data. What do you think?

A curiously timed announcement, just weeks before Easter. Just goes to show that the FDA sits firmly in the pocket of Paas.


Louisa Tyson

Then what will make children hyperactive? My son hardly screams and runs around our grocery cart anymore. I miss the attention.


Ray Weeks

Bottom line: Can we eat Nite-Glo Fiesta Cheetos, or not?


Mike Newsome

Governor Of 'Broke' State Hires Donor's Dropout Son

Despite Gov. Scott Walker's repeated claims that the State of Wisconsin is broke, his administration recently gave the college-dropout son of lobbyist and campaign donor Jerry Deschane an $81,500-a-year job overseeing environmental and regulatory matters. What do you think?

Oh, my God! If you convert that from Midwest dollars, it's like $200,000 a year!


Dan Hollis

Those who argue that hiring an unqualified dropout for such a high-level position is irrational clearly haven't thought through how much Scott Walker disdains the environment and regulations.


Jason Freeman

You see, Wisconsin state employees? That's where many of you went wrong. You finished college.


Carl Licht

Longer Work Day May Increase Heart Attack Risk

A new study revealed that people who worked 11 or more hours a day ran a 67 percent greater risk of having a heart attack than those who worked seven or eight hours a day. What do you think?

On the other hand, if I put in those hours, not only can I make partner, but I'll also have saved enough to afford the bypass operation.


Steve Magnuson

I work 11 hours a day, but my boss only pays me for eight—what does that do to my heart?


Jean Kramer

Yeah, but when I stop to think about it, shaving a few extra years off my life is a small price to pay to be able to enjoy the nonstop thrills and inner fulfillment of my normal 8-to-8 workday cold-calling elderly people and trying to persuade them to buy supplementary life insurance.


Ian Phipps

Beck: Trump Making Me 'Uncomfortable'

Talk show host Glenn Beck said that he's "a little uncomfortable"" with some of Donald Trump's claims about Obama's birth certificate and that the nation doesn't need a ""show boat."" What do you think?"

Please, please, please don't make me pick a side.


Martin Newsome

Beck: Trump Making Me 'Uncomfortable'

To be honest, I'm even more terrified than I was before, knowing now that Glenn Beck is capable of nuance and restraint.


Monica Palermo

Beck: Trump Making Me 'Uncomfortable'

I'm not comfortable living in a world where I have to think about both of them at the same time.


Dane Cammacho

Branson To Dive To Uncharted Depths

Virgin Group chairman Richard Branson is set to explore the uncharted depths of the ocean in a custom-built submarine he will copilot. What do you think?

Is he sure his spaceship is pointed the right way?


Marianne Spell

Branson To Dive To Uncharted Depths

Not my choice of hobby if I were a maverick billionaire. I'd just have people murdered.


Will Maddrey

Branson To Dive To Uncharted Depths

That seems like a lot of fuss and bother when he could have just splurged on a set of gills.


Barry Scobee

50 Years Of Manned Space Flight

Today marks the 50th anniversary of cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin's voyage outside the Earth's atmosphere, the first of its kind. What do you think?

Ha! Yuri Gagarin sure is a silly name for an American!


Melinda Resnick

50 Years Of Manned Space Flight

It still chaps my ass that man was beat into space by a damn dog.


Dan Onizuka

50 Years Of Manned Space Flight

Gagarin's heroic achievement enables us the privilege to take manned space flight for granted.


Samantha Ofer

CEO Pay On The Rise Again

According to a survey of 200 major companies, median executive salaries rose 12 percent from 2009 to 2010, with many CEOs doing better than they were before the economic downturn. What do you think?

Oh, I know! Have you seen the CEO of Greenpeace, lately, strutting around in those brand-new socks?


Jasper Wilson

CEO Pay On The Rise Again

For some, that may seem unreasonable, but those numbers just reflect the reality of cost-of-living increases for essentials like catamarans and racehorses.


Tyler Andreoni

CEO Pay On The Rise Again

Do you think some of it might trickle down over here, or would I maybe have a better shot if I moved to that corner across the street?


Mary Bloom

Weaves, Braids May Hasten Balding Process

A study of 326 black women revealed that a quarter of them were suffering from baldness that may be linked to hairstyles that tug at the scalp, such as braids or weaves. What do you think?

Hmm. I'll have to check with my one black friend to see if that's true.


Keith Roester

It makes me glad that, in one very small way, the universe has finally started to treat black women and rich old white men with utter equality.


Finn Castellano

Big shout-out to my black sisters. I want to wish them the peace and strength to deal with that whole janky weave thing.


Diane May

Sleeping Air Traffic Controllers Prompts FAA Action

After several recent cases of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job—including one incident that delayed the landing of a medical flight—the Federal Aviation Administration announced it was adding more overnight controllers at 27 towers. What do you think?

An air traffic controller fell asleep at Ronald Reagan National Airport? I thought he fired all those lazy union bums.


David Taylor

It's a real Catch-22. If their job were more exciting, then they wouldn't fall asleep. But if they didn't fall asleep, then they wouldn't misdirect planes and make them crash. Catch-22.


Ward Deacon

Lucky them. I can never sleep through a flight.


Andy Vereen

YouTube Educates Offenders About Copyright

YouTube is requiring users caught uploading pirated material to take an online copyright class and pass a test before they can resume sharing videos on the website. What do you think?

Yes, copyright laws can be complicated. It's often hard to tell if you are uploading something you created yourself or something someone else created.


Jill Pressel

Well, at least there are plenty of nerds online I can threaten into taking the test for me.


Kerry Gustafson

Ugh, I hate school. Can't they just fine me millions of dollars?


Dan Prechtl

Forever' Stamp Features Wrong Lady Liberty

The newest forever stamp from the U.S. Postal Service features a photo of the New York–New York casino's Statue of Liberty replica in Las Vegas instead of the original. What do you think?

It's about time we celebrated our proud history of pumping out chintzy reproductions of things.


Paula Martens

Makes sense. We're talking 'forever' here, and we already know the real one gets blown up before the apes take over.


John Walter

I actually like the Vegas one better. You can see up her dress.


Tabitha Stocking

Match.com Screening For Sex Offenders

Following a lawsuit from a woman alleging she was raped by a man she met on Match.com who had previously been convicted of sexual battery, the dating website announced it would begin vetting its members to exclude known sex offenders. What do you think?

I'm glad they didn't have that policy two years ago, or I never would've met Dave.


Dean Warren

Match.com Screening For Sex Offenders

Hey, if they want to give up all that sex offender business to eHarmony, that's their call.


Darren Blanck

Match.com Screening For Sex Offenders

Being barred from the site seems too punitive. They should just have to send a short message to each Match.com user as soon as they join, notifying everyone of their sex offender status.


Sam Escovedo

McDonald's Is Hiring

On Tuesday, McDonald's held a National Hiring Day in which people across the country lined up to fill the planned 50,000 positions the company offered. What do you think?

I am happy to see that, at last, McDonald's is trying to rid itself of its snotty, elitist, better-than-you employer image.


Nick Melvoin

McDonald's Is Hiring

That doesn't sound so bad. I'm sure my family would rather I came home smelling like burgers and fries than have me never leave the house at all and continue to smell like myself.


Liz Coleman

McDonald's Is Hiring

This should really help lower the unemployment rate, which is at a staggering 68 percent among degenerate adult pinheads and greasy-faced little twerps.


On Geoffrey Mutai's World-Record Boston Marathon

I guess that guy will get all the amazing women and immeasurable wealth that come with winning a marathon.


It's no 'World's Largest Airplane Ever Eaten' record, but Mutai should be proud of himself nonetheless.


Was it that guy from my work? The way he talks about running, it seems like it.


Tabitha Melvoin

Green Considered Feminine

A study conducted by OgilvyEarth, four out of five Americans said going green is "more feminine than masculine."" What do you think?"

As a woman, I admit that watching a man gobble up every resource available without giving a thought to the impact on the environment really gets my motor running.


Roger Mark

Green Considered Feminine

That's why I only buy organic foods that take great strength to chew.


Jamie Rivkin

Green Considered Feminine

Well, once all of the women save the world, I intend to give them the best sex of their lives, so it all works out in the end.


Eric Fink

Lasers Could Replace Spark Plugs

A team of Japanese researchers has developed an improved fuel ignition system that would use lasers instead of spark plugs. What do you think?

With their attraction to laser lights, I would worry about cats getting trapped in the cylinders.


Elizabeth Marsh

Lasers Could Replace Spark Plugs

Great, now I need a laser guy. You got a laser guy?


Robin Minnifield

Lasers Could Replace Spark Plugs

Gee whiz, what's next? Spark plugs shooting out of robot's eyes?


Josh Coleman

Apple Branded Least Green Tech Company

Last week, Greenpeace released a list of tech companies ranked according to the environmental friendliness of their energy consumption, and Apple came in last. What do you think?

Well, then, I guess the whole green movement isn't that cool after all.


Tracy Katayama

Apple Branded Least Green Tech Company

No big surprise. Have you been in an Apple Store? It takes 5,500 square feet to sell a dozen iPads.


Charles Novog

Apple Branded Least Green Tech Company

La, la, la! I can't hear you through these identity-defining earbuds!


Marjorie Atkinson

Coffee At Highest Price Since '70s

Because of increased demand in emerging markets and a diminished supply, raw coffee beans topped $3 per pound for the first time in 34 years. What do you think?

It might take a while, but I think I could get used to a hot cup of Mountain Dew and half-and-half in the morning.


Richard Barr

Coffee At Highest Price Since '70s

One word to the Chicory Marketing Board: no.


Stephen Weaver

Coffee At Highest Price Since '70s

Just as my own parents took up my time with talk about marginal consumer burdens in the '70s, so will I carry the torch for my kids.


Andrea Leeds

Couric Leaving CBS News

Katie Couric told People magazine that, after five years as anchor of CBS Evening News, she was leaving the position. What do you think?

I know I should be celebrating, but there are still so many women left on TV.


Diego Garcia

Couric Leaving CBS News

Yeah, the evening crowd just never took to her, probably because of that nightly sign-on phrase, 'Smile wide, America, it's news time!'


Drew Blistan

Couric Leaving CBS News

I'm not surprised. She's seemed pretty bored during the past year or so. Or maybe I was bored. Ever since I got to fly a helicopter for my 40th birthday nothing is exciting anymore.


Wanda Daniels

Budget Cuts Shutter Alien Search

Due to budget cutbacks, the radio telescope arrays at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) Institute have been shut down since Apr. 15. What do you think?

I'm sure if the aliens showed up right now and saw we had a means to contact them but had to shut it off because of money troubles they'd totally applaud our fiscal discipline.


Danny Fuqua

Budget Cuts Shutter Alien Search

The 15th! Everybody knows that April 16th is Contact Earth Day among the Andromeda Tribes.


Len Watson

Budget Cuts Shutter Alien Search

Listen up, you heartless, program-slashing Republicans: You've just made a small, pasty, and physically weak group of enemies.


Barry Coleman

PlayStation 3 Data Breach May Be Biggest Ever

Sony admitted last week that hackers had compromised its network and may have obtained the names, addresses, usernames, passwords, or credit card information of 77 million PlayStation users. What do you think?

Wait, let me give them my other card. The one I have on there is expired.


Laura Walker

That's okay. With all the PlayStation I was playing, my identity wasn't that great, anyway.


Daniel Glover

I hope the International Criminal Court isn't involved in this. I've done some terrible things during Call Of Duty.


Max Ferguson

Mariah Spawns Twins

Singer Mariah Carey gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl, on Saturday. What do you think?

This settles it: She's way better than Whitney Houston.


Nicki Udhin

Mariah Spawns Twins

Those lucky kids are going to get screamed at in octaves most children can only dream of.


Harlan Raven

Mariah Spawns Twins

That's great news! Now our country finally has something to be happy about.


Lydia Kivacevic

Supreme Court Hinders Consumer Rights To Sue

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled last week that companies could force dissatisfied customers into individual arbitration and prevent them from banding together in a class-action lawsuit. What do you think?

Arbitration! Now there's my golden ticket to minor gains.


Rory Parsons

Call me old-fashioned, but I still like to deal with my issues with companies by reaming out one of their lowest-level employees who had absolutely nothing to do with the problem and possesses no ability to resolve the matter whatsoever.


Morgan Ball

Mmm…Supreme Court. Ugh. Great! Now I'm aroused.


Lisa Grohl

U.S. Sets Tornado Record

The National Weather Service reported a new record for number of tornadoes in a day, with 312 counted in a 24-hour period last week. What do you think?

That's a lot of math. Maybe they should have been doin' more tornado catchin' and less tornado countin'.


Bill Mojica

U.S. Sets Tornado Record

My God. Just think of how many thousands of anecdotes about things being driven several inches into the sides of other things were spawned during that 24-hour period.


Matthew Gregory

U.S. Sets Tornado Record

Are you really trying to talk to me about the weather? Man, I hate small talk.


Leslie Calvert

California Has Nation's Worst Air

According to an annual survey by the American Lung Association, California cities have the worst air quality in the United States. What do you think?

Yeah, but that's only if you measure 'quality' by the amount of harmful particulate matter and pollution in the air.


Fabrizio Dugmore

California Has Nation's Worst Air

Sure, if you focus on the negative. I prefer to think California has the best pollution!


Sean Atkins

California Has Nation's Worst Air

Note taken: Move to Hollywood and try to become famous. Thanks for encouraging my dreams!


Adam Kilbey

Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists

Following the death of Osama bin Laden, the Department of Homeland Security has urged landlords to be on the alert for radicalized individuals who may be occupying their buildings. What do you think?

If they're telling me to be racist, I'm way ahead of them.


Jen Wilson-Piper

To clarify, the DHS defines 'radicalized individuals' as people who complain about malfunctioning radiators, people who complain about unchanged light bulbs in entryways, and people who complain about inconsistent trash removal.


Marco Powles

No sweat, I've already worked a clause into my standard lease that revokes a tenant's entire security deposit if he commits an act of terrorism.


Raoul Williams

Parental Drinking Supervision Doesn't Work

A new study concludes that teens who drink with parental approval and supervision have a higher risk of becoming problem drinkers than those who wait until they're 21. What do you think?

Like I'm going to let the public school system indoctrinate my kid against our household's preferred brand of vodka.


Dixie Yennie

Fine, no more alcohol. But I'll really have to step up my shockingly open flirtation with my son's friends if I'm going to retain my 'cool mom' status.


Carson Kitamura

Come on, man, my kids aren't even fun unless they're a little drunk.


Lacey Hicks

Gingrich Announces Candidacy

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich is announcing he will run for president in 2012. What do you think?

Oh, that probably means he's also in the market for a new wife. It'd be great if you could put a good word in for me. I'm disease free.


Chris Barrow

Gingrich Announces Candidacy

They're going to have a hard time filling his position as Liberty University's Dean of Rapacious Self-Indulgence.


Sam Demps

Gingrich Announces Candidacy

Now I finally know what he was getting at all those times over the past few months when he talked about running for president.


Kal Li

Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate

After 25 years of marriage, former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and former NBC News reporter Maria Shriver announced they are separating. What do you think?


Zeke Totman

Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate

Look, no flame burns eternal. Even the groping muscleman flame can fade.


Mary Kate Pruzhanov

Shriver, Schwarzenegger Separate

Arnold and Maria have asked for compassion and respect from the media and public during this difficult time, and I intend to comply with that request. Sorry.


Nina Mackintosh

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Following a high-profile cobra escape earlier this year, the world-famous Bronx Zoo had a peacock go missing this week. What do you think?

I just feel bad for all the dumb dicks that paid to see this peacock.


Steven Leclercq

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Oh shit, how poisonous are those things?


Lee Hudson

Bronx Zoo Loses Peacock

Sure, it's easy to get out, but the moment you want to get in to fuck a penguin, security is all over your ass.


Aiden Theart

Vatican Blames Man-Made Emissions For Global Warming

A scientific panel convened by the Vatican called upon people to work to reduce the emission of greenhouse gasses to slow global climate change. What do you think?

If the Church can go from forgiving Galileo to accepting global warming in 11 years, I figure they're on track to admit God doesn't exist by 2015.


Sophia Lambert

It's all there in the story of the ass who tricked Jephtha into producing carbon dioxide.


Anthony Adams

Sounds like God and science have some kind of cross-promotional thing going on. As an ad man, I respect that.


Jackson Lett

Massachusetts Mayors Battle Melatonin Brownie

The mayors of Fall River, MA and New Bedford, MA are seeking to ban Lazy Cakes, a brownie containing 8 milligrams of melatonin, claiming the cartoon character on its package is being used to market the product to children. What do you think?

Melatonin is a potent chemical that should only be available under the care of a professional GNC clerk.


Brianna Burns

I always fall asleep after eating an entire cake of any kind, so the melatonin seems unnecessary to me.


Larry Gillan

Take it easy, mayors. Ted Kennedy's dead. You don't have to worry about him powering one down and then driving on the sidewalk.


Mara Oates

Daughter Taken From Mom After Botox Admission

After telling Good Morning America she gave her 8-year-old Botox injections to make her more competitive in beauty pageants, California mother Kerry Campbell lost custody of her daughter to the state. What do you think?

Well, if that poor little girl sees my daughter in foster care, maybe she can remind her it's heel, toe, step, then smile! We can still win this, Caroline!


Dean Johnson

Botox? Come on, who goes to a child beauty pageant to look at the faces?


Stephen Phillips

Wow. So that girl gets to stay beautiful forever and gets away from her evil mother? It's like a fairy tale!


Lilly Cudahy

Santorum Contradicts McCain On 'Enhanced Interrogation'

In a radio interview Tuesday, presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said he thinks torture critic Sen. John McCain "doesn't understand how enhanced interrogation works."" What do you think?"

Well, if there's anyone who knows about torture, it's Rick Santorum, who was savagely beaten by 18 percentage points while trying to hold on to his Senate seat in 2006.


Todd Cox

I think there's an easy fix. Let's just torture him again.


Darren Dixon

Who are we to judge? Maybe they just do things differently in Rick Santorum's basement.


Derrick Kingsley

World To End Saturday

According to Harold Camping, the founder of Family Radio, the world will come to an end on Saturday. What do you think?

Is there anything we can do to speed it up? My mother-in-law is coming Friday! Also, my boss is coming over for dinner that same night!


Jennifer Dillon

World To End Saturday

He's probably close to being right. He is 89 years old, after all.


Lisa Grant

World To End Saturday

Hmm, sounds a little fishy. I'm going to have to hear some Bible passages with extremely vague allusions and see some inscrutable numerology before I believe this.


Carol Stengler

Fewer Emergency Rooms As Need Increases

According to a study published in The Journal Of The American Medical Association, the number of non-rural emergency rooms fell 27 percent even as ER visits nationwide rose 35 percent. What do you think?

The upshot is that if the discrepancy persists long enough, we'll have the perfect number of emergency rooms for everyone who hasn't died.


Jim Harris

Fewer Emergency Rooms As Need Increases

But where are all the ambulances going to go?


Fred Butler

Fewer Emergency Rooms As Need Increases

Well, that doesn't sound good. Say, has anyone thought of trying to reform medical care in the United States?


Alphonse Druss

Woman Arrested In Moon Rock Sale Bust

A California woman was placed in custody after attempting to sell a moon rock to an undercover NASA investigator for $1.7 million. What do you think?

Years ago, I bought a moon rock at a Vangelis show. Turned out it was only concrete mixed with bits of feldspar and oregano.


LeeAnn Howell

Woman Arrested In Moon Rock Sale Bust

If convicted, she's in for a rough road. Fake moon-rock-selling cons are considered the lowest of the low by other prisoners in California.


Dave Lepp

Woman Arrested In Moon Rock Sale Bust

It's been a long time since the government prosecuted anyone under the Lunar Fraud Act.


Jill Binford

California Must Cut Inmate Population

The U.S. Supreme Court upheld a ruling requiring the State of California to remove at least 37,000 inmates from its prisons to reduce overcrowding. What do you think?

Finally, maybe I can meet a man who appreciates the nuances of my bologna sandwiches.


Keith Davis

California Must Cut Inmate Population

The real problem here is that prison riots aren't killing as many inmates as they used to.


Calvin Ferreri

California Must Cut Inmate Population

Some of them can stay at my house while I'm away on a long business trip. That is, if they don't mind my beautiful young wife walking around making a racket.


Cody Toussaint

Smallpox Destruction Delayed

The World Health Organization has delayed until 2014 its decision on setting a timetable for the destruction of its storehouse of the smallpox virus. What do you think?

I can relate. It's like you should have put away the Christmas decorations by now, but they're just so pretty.


Louis Kador

Smallpox Destruction Delayed

Shouldn't be a problem. That one really good, careful forklift driver doesn't retire until 2015.


Carol Spellman

Smallpox Destruction Delayed

As long as there remain pesky indigenous peoples who threaten the expansion of the European Protestant lifestyle, it's probably best to maintain a few vials and a stockpile of blankets.


Gina Hooper

Google, Sprint Announce Mobile Phone Payment Service

Google announced yesterday that it would be rolling out a system in which people could pay for items with their Sprint Android phones. What do you think?

Now the day's finally arrived when I can yell, 'I just bought paper towels with my phone!' at the grocery store.


Leon Savage

I don't much like this idea. What if I accidentally butt-buy a bunch of high-end salad spinners or something?


Brett Andridge

I'd like to use this service to purchase a new phone, but I wouldn't want to humiliate my current phone like that.


Keith LaBoe

Crystal Cathedral Sold

The Crystal Cathedral, the Orange County, CA megachurch started by televangelist Robert Schuller, has been sold to an investment group so the church can restructure its debt. What do you think?

Not surprised the Crystal Cathedral is bankrupt. I only go into megachurches if I want to pick up a little affirmation or need a few Bible verses.


Elizabeth Viner

Crystal Cathedral Sold

Since Rev. Schuller stopped broadcasting, I've discovered Rabbi Leibowitz and the Diamond Synagogue are better at fulfilling my spiritual needs.


Gerry Epps

Crystal Cathedral Sold

My prayers have been answered! Someone talked to me today! Thanks!


Jane Ward

New Jersey To Pull Out Of Greenhouse Gas Agreement

Republican governor Chris Christie announced he was removing New Jersey from a ten-state regional cap-and-trade program aimed at reducing carbon emissions. What do you think?

This was the right call. Without industrial pollution, New Jersey is just another Delaware.


Ben Knight

Good, I'm sick of driving through Jersey and having to smell its disgusting trees.


Jeff Lattisaw

That reminds me. Did New Jersey ever end up executing that governor who was gay?


D.C. What do you think?"

Dancers Arrested At Jefferson Memorial

U.S. Park Police arrested five people for "expressive dancing"" in the Jefferson Memorial in Washington

Maybe next they can stop people from crying in front of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. It's annoying.


Dancers Arrested At Jefferson Memorial

That's ridiculous! Wait, was that at Jefferson Memorial the memorial or Jefferson Memorial the club?


Dancers Arrested At Jefferson Memorial

As the videotape showed, it was a complete overreaction to a harmless, peaceful demonstration, and I, for one, have never laughed harder.


Susan Jackson

Weiner Can't Say Photo Isn't Of Him

While denying he sent the image to a female follower of his Twitter account, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) said he could not state with absolute certitude that he was not the man pictured in a photo showing an engorged penis covered by gray boxer-briefs. What do you think?

With a name like that, I'm not surprised he sent out pics of his Andrew.


Finn Langmaid

Weiner Can't Say Photo Isn't Of Him

Of course he can't say for sure. Since the penis is covered, there's no way to tell if it has the Weiner family crest.


Miguel Pentz

Weiner Can't Say Photo Isn't Of Him

That's okay. I don't know what my dick looks like, either. I'm a pretty busy guy.


Food Pyramid Scrapped

The U.S. Agriculture Department has thrown out the Food Pyramid, in use since 1992, in favor of "MyPlate

a new plate-based dietary visualization tool. What do you think?"

But now how will I remember how many cartoon baguettes and whole roasted turkeys I'm supposed to eat?


Food Pyramid Scrapped

Shit, I've been eating a pyramid-based diet for the past two decades. I'm a dead man.


Food Pyramid Scrapped

As the morning dawns, another hallmark of the grunge era is gone, but not before I finish listening to Mudhoney's Piece Of Cake, drink an eighth glass of water, and move on to fortified cereal one last time.


Tom Eltson

Scientists Trap Antimatter For Record Time

Scientists at CERN trapped atoms of antihydrogen for more than 16 minutes, enabling them to study the elusive material more closely than ever. What do you think?

That's great. I've always wondered what antimatter smells like.


Yvonne Butler

Man! The same 16 minutes I choose to step out for a sub. Just my luck!


Danny Cleaves

Eh, that's not really my thing. I'm more into retrophysics—you know, the atom is the smallest particle, the universe is infinite, and everything is composed of matter.


Kelly Cartwright

School Application Blasted For Inappropriate Question

An application for the Dry Creek School District in California has come under fire for asking if the child to be enrolled was delivered vaginally or via cesarean section. What do you think?

That's good. I'm getting tired of having to provide that information in the 'Other Comments' section.


Dean Yarber

I'm sorry, but I think they have a right to know if a prospective student is one of those weird vagy kids.


Paul Thomas

Sounds like a pretty good way to find out what their moms are currently workin' with.


Todd Conte

GM CEO Suggests Additional $1 Gas Tax

General Motors CEO Dan Akerson said in an interview that the auto industry would be helped more by higher gas taxes than by mandatory increased fuel efficiency. What do you think?

Well, if GM's top leadership is on board, then so am I. They never make woefully self-interested, shortsighted, or commercially unsuccessful decisions.


Hari Uthup

GM CEO Suggests Additional $1 Gas Tax

Good for him. If the auto industry needs something, they need to stop being so shy about asking for help and speak right up. We're not mind readers.


Sonya Martinez

GM CEO Suggests Additional $1 Gas Tax

He brings up a good point. No one gives a shit about the environment anymore. Let's move on.


Maggie Chin

Texas County Bans Some Outdoor Grills

In an effort to curtail wildfires in the drought-stricken area, Guadalupe County in Texas has banned outdoor fires, including barbecues without lids. What do you think?

Can you still use a wildfire to cook your food if one is already burning?


Leo Downe

Texas County Bans Some Outdoor Grills

I don't see how banning responsible business operators from using an open-pit barbecue is going to stop me from dumping cigarette butts into the brush.


Al Bishop

Texas County Bans Some Outdoor Grills

Real Texans don't use grills; they just keep roping a T-bone until the friction cooks it to about medium-rare.


Morgan Fraser

Gingrich Loses Top Advisers

Several of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's top campaign aides resigned Thursday, putting the future of his presidential bid in doubt. What do you think?

Interesting. Maybe I'll vote for him now that he's under new management.


Jill Baldursson

Gingrich Loses Top Advisers

He was being advised that whole time? Oh, boy.


Lawrence Gomel

Gingrich Loses Top Advisers

It's just awful. I heard these people, whom Newt adored and trusted with all his heart, walked out on him for Tim Pawlenty, a younger, sexier candidate. I can't think of anything that Newt Gingrich did in his life to deserve a punishment like this.


New York Court: Lap Dances Not Tax-Exempt

Ruling that lap dances do not qualify for tax-exempt status as a "dramatic or musical art performance

a New York court has ordered a gentleman's club to pay nearly $125

Wait, so if it wasn't just a performance, then that means…she was really into me after all! I knew it!


The club did it all wrong. First, it needed to get an MFA. Second, apply for and receive an NEA grant. Third, center its dramatic or musical art performance around a withering condemnation of the objectification of women through the ironic usage of the male gaze.


What about if she pees on you? Doesn't that make things art these days?


Claudia Harrington

Disney Raises Theme Park Admission

The Walt Disney Company announced the cost of a one-day pass to Disneyland had risen from $76 to $80, the second price increase in a year. What do you think?

At $80, they're sure to attract a better class of family.


Ben Jabour

Disney Raises Theme Park Admission

Hopefully that'll finally keep that Make-a-Wish riffraff to a minimum.


Kurt Butler

Disney Raises Theme Park Admission

Oh my God! I have $80 left in my checking account and I only have one more day to live. What are the odds?


Richard Pursey

American Students Not Proficient In History

The 2010 National Assessment of Educational Progress concluded that less than a quarter of students were proficient in U.S. history. What do you think?

Are they taking into consideration that more stuff has happened before right now than at any other time in history?


Larry Sargent

Who cares? The only people who need to learn about U.S. history are immigrants. The rest of us are born knowing that the Founding Fathers made this the greatest country on earth.


Mary Bostick

Not at my child's school. We've cut every department but history.


Susan Corrigan

'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

After more than 13 years in development, the latest installment in the Duke Nukem series of first-person shooter video games was released Tuesday. What do you think?

Susan is not a fan. Susan is more into third-person shooters. If you catch Susan's drift.


Bob Farmer

'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

Looks like I can tell my grandfather he can finally die now.


Craig Pistel

'Duke Nukem Forever' Finally Released

In middle school I was so excited at the promise of seeing three-dimensional boobs, but now that I'm grown up, I can get that by playing Grand Theft Auto.


Sam Clinton

'The Onion' has proven again and again over the past 250 years that it is the most reliable news source available. What do you think?

If it weren't for The Onion's commitment to journalistic excellence, how else would you explain their decision to publish my praise of their exemplary efforts?


Lynn Collins

Oh, yeah! You guys always know what day of the week it is! Yesterday, I thought it was Wednesday, but you set me straight! Thanks!


Seth Atkins

Out of my way! I have no time to listen to your question. I must get my copy of The Onion before the dispenser runs out.


Anthony Byrne

Onion Continues To Touch Millions

The Onion has touched countless lives over its 250 years of publication. What story has affected you the most?

Since each one is better than the last, I'd have to say the final story in the most recent issue.


Maya Griff

Onion Continues To Touch Millions

It wasn't easy to read about the physics behind Princess Diana's death, but I'm glad I did it.


Steve Mackey

Onion Continues To Touch Millions

Wow, that's like asking me to choose which of my children is my favorite. But if you twisted my arm, I'd have to say its penetrating critique of state-government cronyism, and my firstborn son, Kevin.


Paula Danky

Too Much Integrity?

Some people say The Onion may have too much integrity for the Pulitzer Board to award it a prize. What do you think?

Whoa, hold on, that is grossly inaccurate! All people say that, not just some.


Danny Hinzo

Too Much Integrity?

True, but The Onion also has more conviction, sense, class, and moral character than the Pulitzer Board, so it's hard to know which deficiency is responsible for the prize committee's cowardly negligence in award-giving year in and year out.


Lou Smallwood

Too Much Integrity?

Probably. Integrity is like beauty: too little and nobody will look at you, too much and everybody wants to fuck you.


Cynthia Conter

Millions Have Never Read The Onion

According to market research, there are millions of Americans who have never picked up a single issue of The Onion. What do you think?

At least they still get most of The Onion's intrepid reporting once it's ripped off by The Wall Street Journal.


Don Ryan

Millions Have Never Read The Onion

For their sake, I'm glad such mentally feeble individuals, bereft of the vital insight The Onion provides, will quickly die from their inability to navigate today's complex world.


Cody Ross

Millions Have Never Read The Onion

Ha! That's a good one! What is it, April Fool's Day? Oh, crap. It's June? I better call in to work and see if I still have a job.


Tina Gladstone

'Onion' Snubbed By Pulitzers

This year, the Pulitzer Board has once again neglected to bestow an award upon The Onion. What do you think?

You too? Man, those guys are dicks to everybody.


Brendan Hoppus

'Onion' Snubbed By Pulitzers

If I know the Pulitzer Board, they are just drawing out the process to heighten the suspense. The Pulitzer Board thrives on adrenaline.


Frederick Malina

'Onion' Snubbed By Pulitzers

Of course they did. The Pulitzer is a prize for third-rate, unrefined journalistic excrement masquerading as enlightened commentary, correct? How else does George Will have one?


Damon Rushkoff

Extremist Groups Flourish In Northwest U.S.

As the economy continues to falter, militias and hate groups are on the rise in the American Northwest. What do you think?

I know the tough economy makes such views more appealing, but it can be just as rewarding to be in a hate group in boom times.


Umi McDowell

I see, and these hate groups, how much do they pay?


Rich Ball

With scenic backdrops like Glacier National Park, it definitely sounds like a beautiful place to go and hate people.


Rick McGee

U.S. Withdraws $800 Million In Pakistan Aid

In the midst of strained relations between the two countries, the United States announced it would suspend more than one-third of its $2 billion in military assistance to Pakistan. What do you think?

If we withhold that aid, I fear Pakistan might quit pretending to be our ally.


Grace Green

Take that, Pakistan! Feel the stinging rebuke of receiving only $1.2 billion of U.S. taxpayer money for your ineffective, crooked military!


Adam Foster

Hey, Israel, you seeing this? You could be next. You've got another decade's worth of chances, and that's it.


Allison Stratton

New Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea Strain Found

Investigators at the Centers for Disease Control have identified a new strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to the effects of most antibiotics. What do you think?

If only those goddamn bioethicists would quit meddling with my gonorrhea-resistant human research.


Jason Bayley

Hey, ladies, no worries here. My gonorrhea is still 100 percent treatable by cephalosporins. So what do you say, mamacita?


Mike Di'Anno

Suddenly I don't really want to get gonorrhea anymore.


Peter Grumby

'Brady Bunch' Creator Dead At 94

Sherwood Schwartz, creator of The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island, died Tuesday at the age of 94. What do you think?

Those shows were a little before my time. But be sure to let me know when Full House and Hangin' With Mr. Cooper creator Jeff Franklin dies so I can feel the same sense of grief.


Greg Grant

'Brady Bunch' Creator Dead At 94

I don't think our society would know half as much about the versatility of coconuts without that man.


Marcia Hinckley

'Brady Bunch' Creator Dead At 94

Nice job, critics. You finally killed him. Are you happy now?


Kim Campbell

Nation's Busiest Highway Closes For Weekend

A 10-mile stretch of L.A.'s Interstate 405, the busiest highway in the United States, is closing for the weekend, causing many to cancel plans. What do you think?

Oh, no! You can still jump off the overpass, though, right?


Michael Dunbar

So much for L.A. being superior to everywhere else. I believe I'll go drive I-94 this weekend—not because I have anyplace to go, but simply because I can.


David Lander

Can't L.A. residents just spend 48 hours waiting patiently in their cars for traffic to start moving again, the way they normally do?


Terry Martsch

Minnesota Bars Running Dry

Following a government shutdown in which bars in Minnesota were unable to renew their liquor-purchasing cards, many establishments are running out of alcoholic beverages to serve. What do you think?

Just you watch, this is the first step in the Democrat agenda to turn America into a socialist, single-drinker state.


Maxine Nelson

Minnesota Bars Running Dry

I guess this is where the tourist slogan 'Escape to Wisconsin to get completely shitfaced' really pays off.


Eugene Plouf

Minnesota Bars Running Dry

Look, I've got some old beers stashed in my closet from last August when my parents were out of town for a week. Anything for a price, Minnesota.


Dan Roth

Casey Anthony Released

Acquitted murder suspect Casey Anthony was released from jail on Sunday. What do you think?

She left just two days ago? Huh, that's weird. You usually don't report an Anthony's disappearance for about a month or so.


Roberta Nelson

Casey Anthony Released

Ooh, I thought I smelled something different in the air on Sunday! Turns out it was the smell of new beginnings. With just a hint of guilty-murderer-gone-free.


Davis Youtz

Casey Anthony Released

This is one crazy story she's going to tell her kids someday.


Lynn Scott

Phone Hack Whistleblower Found Dead

Sean Hoare, a former News Of The World entertainment journalist who was first to admit publicly that reporters were encouraged to hack celebrities' phones, was found dead in his home at Watford, England. What do you think?

Well, I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about trying to rid the world of evil.


Ian Evans

Phone Hack Whistleblower Found Dead

That guy was kind of Woodward and Bernstein, Deep Throat and Nixon all in one.


Josh Wright

Phone Hack Whistleblower Found Dead

I hope you're not implying that this guy was killed by Rupert Murdoch, because that's the kind of thing that can get you killed by Rupert Murdoch.


Ed Bailey

FBI Raids Homes In 'Anonymous' Sweep

The FBI announced Tuesday it had arrested more than a dozen people in Florida, New Jersey, and California allegedly connected with the hacker group Anonymous. What do you think?

Does that mean it's safe to use 'password' as my password again?


Henry Clack

FBI Raids Homes In 'Anonymous' Sweep

Thank goodness. Now maybe hackers will think twice before they disable PayPal and cost honest, hardworking people like me countless eBay sales of our Doctor of Love novelty diplomas.


Jackie Rudd

FBI Raids Homes In 'Anonymous' Sweep

It just goes to show you, the FBI always gets their nerd.


Alisha Kelliher

Kim Kardashian Suing Old Navy

Celebrity Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for using an actress that looks like her in an ad. What do you think?

Are you sure it's not actually her? That woman is a snowflake.


Scott Sanders

Kim Kardashian Suing Old Navy

Please don't sue Old Navy. They make the shorts that I buy.


Dwayne Hinds

Kim Kardashian Suing Old Navy

On top of that, the ad photo itself is just a simulacrum of the Kim Kardashian look-alike. I'm in cultural studies hell.


Rich McNish

New Law Bans Cyclist Harassment

A law passed in Los Angeles makes it illegal for motorists to harass bicyclists verbally or physically. What do you think?

I pretty much have my hands full harassing pedestrians and other motorists as it is.


Sunita Huckel

New Law Bans Cyclist Harassment

It was legal before? I've missed out on so much.


Josh Steitzer

New Law Bans Cyclist Harassment

Illegal? I guess I'll just have to start bagging on illegal immigrants, then.