Bryan Warren

Red Sox Break Curse

I've been rooting for the Sox for the past 20 years, but I finally gave up hope on them this season. I was expecting them to lose, so they managed to let me down again.


Beverly Banks

The Republican Majority

Last week, Bush became the first Republican president to be re-elected with House and Senate majorities since 1924. What do you think?

So they still control the House, Senate, and Oval Office? Well, at least we still have the smug, condescending attitude that cost us the election in the first place.


Edgar Mendez

The Republican Majority

Our nation may be bitterly divided, but at least our government can agree on being ultra-conservative.


Sam Howell

The Republican Majority

What's so bad about this? Could some Democrat explain it to me in under an hour, without starting to scream or cry?


Ted Jacobs

The Republican Majority

Now that the Republicans run Congress, the White House, and soon the Supreme Court, they'll just have to invent some new branches of government to dominate, as well.


Leo Watts

The Republican Majority

The fact that 48 percent of Americans voted for a boring placeholder like John Kerry is actually a really good sign for the Left.


Erika Williamson

The Republican Majority

Hold on. I'm being text-messaged orders from my Republican congressman on how to proceed next. Put clothes in dryer? Yes, Rep. Burchardt.


Amir Zubar

Arafat's Death

The death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat could represent a turning point in the Mideast peace process. What do you think?

Now that Arafat's dead, the only thing standing in the way of peace in the Mideast is Sharon.


Robert Cook

Arafat's Death

Dead of natural causes at 75? If only more Palestinians were able to follow his example.


Bruce Daniels

Arafat's Death

Mahmoud Abbas was chosen as his successor? Not Marwan Barghouti? Aw, man, if you were a Palestine policy wonk like me, you'd be so pissed.


Ellen Carter

Arafat's Death

The saddest part is that this Nobel Peace Prize winner died without seeing his lifelong dream of eternal war with Israel come to fruition.


Ibrahim Salah

Arafat's Death

After I learned about the great Arafat's death, I fired my rifle into the air several times. But it didn't make me feel any better. I don't know. I guess I'm changing.


Karen Anderson

Arafat's Death

If Palestine needs a hard-line religious nutjob to fill Arafat's position, our old attorney general is looking for work.


Etta Newkirk

The Kmart-Sears Merger

Last week, Kmart bought Sears in a surprise $11 billion deal, creating the nation's third-largest retailer. What do you think?

It's about time a serious heavyweight challenged Wal-Mart's position as the most depressing place on earth.


Chester Hoyt

The Kmart-Sears Merger

As a major purchaser of lawn shit, I'm as happy as I let myself get.


Javier DeKalb

The Kmart-Sears Merger

Does this mean the Sears Tower will be repurposed for Kmart? Just think how awesome a giant red neon "K"" is gonna look up there on the top of that mamma jamma!"


Leo Nevins

The Kmart-Sears Merger

I'm glad I no longer have to choose between Kmart and Sears. It often made things very uncomfortable.


F.W. Woolworth IV

The Kmart-Sears Merger

I'm gonna love the look on their faces when I announce that I, F.W. Woolworth IV, am relaunching the trusted Woolworth name!


Alicia Bergen

The Kmart-Sears Merger


Ed Wills

Kids Using Drugs To Study

Studies show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you think?

Slippage in grades is a sure sign your child may not be on drugs.


Jeffrey Stuart

Kids Using Drugs To Study

These drugs help them study? Wow. Turns out drugs aren't cool after all.


Danielle Carlson

Kids Using Drugs To Study

Taking Ritalin to study is very dangerous. If you let your focus drift, you'll spend the night scrubbing your telephone.


Scott Wolman

Kids Using Drugs To Study

It turns out the main ingredient in Adderall is dextroamphetamine. So all these years, long-haul truckers have been a vast, untapped intellectual resource?


Stephen Underhill

Kids Using Drugs To Study

Hell, I don't blame them. Back in law school, I had to take all kinds of drugs just to be able to appreciate art and music.


Dana Williams

Kids Using Drugs To Study

When I was a kid, we didn't have drugs to help us study. If we wanted to get good grades, we had no choice but to stop getting drunk.


Dale Steele

Americans Marrying Later

Census Bureau figures for 2003 show that Americans are getting married later, with the average age for a first marriage having risen to 26. What do you think?

Oh, great. First my grandmother starts pestering me about not being married, then my parents, and now the national media.


Lois Halverson

Americans Marrying Later

Thank God there's a greater trend I can look to when I ponder my lonely, loveless existence in the midnight hour.


Curtis Fuller

Americans Marrying Later

I don't have to worry about marriage at this point in my life. Paying child support for three kids is stressful enough as it is.


Ruby Turpin

Americans Marrying Later

It's because of the sluggish economy. It's harder to get a dowry together these days.


Marvin Watts

Americans Marrying Later

Christ. Get ready for some of the bitterest-looking bridesmaids in history.


Glen Powers

Americans Marrying Later

My folks got married at 17. They were also cousins. Let me know when you have your tape recorder ready.


Joy Parks

Iraq Troops Complain

Last week, troops complained to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about extended deployments and poor equipment. What do you think?

The inability to leave a war zone and lack of safety are the two exact reasons I decided not to join the military.


Neil Dawson

Iraq Troops Complain

I'm so confused. In times of war, should I support the troops or the president?


Dustin O'Brien

Iraq Troops Complain

Don't they know about the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy on the 'when do we get to go home?' question?


Lewis Richards

Iraq Troops Complain

If those troops keep griping and grousing, I don't think they're going to be named Time's Person of the Year again any time soon.


Clinton Rhodes

Iraq Troops Complain

Years from now, our troops will look back at the war in Iraq and wonder why they haven't been allowed to go home yet.


Heidi Williamson

Iraq Troops Complain

Man, all the troops do these days is bitch, bitch, die unnecessarily, and bitch.


Pedro Fernandez

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

Last week, jurors recommended that Scott Peterson be sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci. What do you think?

Let this be a warning to psychopaths with photogenic wives everywhere.


Derrick Watts

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

What about Laci's fetus' potential children, and those childrens' children? Folks, this was way more than a double-homicide.


Sherry Morrison

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

What's going on? I've been busy trying to keep up with the thousands of other murders that took place this year. I'm a bit out of the loop on the Peterson case.


Rich Hale

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

This story had everything—sex, death, and now death once again. I would've appreciated some more sex, also.


Warren Jacobs

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

What am I supposed to tell my daughter when she asks, 'Why do exhaustively drawn-out things happen to bad people?'


Florence Norris

Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

Finally, the death of little Connor, the fetus with no personality, will be avenged.


Iris Murphy

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?

I am suddenly very suspicious of my next-door neighbor, Khalid al-McKenzie.


Louis Chamblis

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Why would terrorists need to go through Canada to get to the U.S.? It's not like the FBI would catch them if they came straight here.


Bill Hrabosky

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

As a radical Islamic fundamentalist, I am seriously considering moving to Vancouver. It's sooo gorgeous there.


Michael Horner

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Canada needs to start doing a better job of racial-profiling non-Inuits.


Don Nahorodny

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

My God, we could go to war with Canada over this. I only pray there's an army platoon with the afternoon free.


Penny Niekro

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

See, I told you socialized medicine doesn't work.


Cory Shade

A Polarized Nation

Many people say the nation became even more politically polarized in 2004. What do you think?

Come on. The nation hasn't experienced a moment of unity in decades, except for the 'who shot J.R.?' craze and those two weeks in September 2001.


Frankin Stedder

A Polarized Nation


Duane Segar

A Polarized Nation

Our nation will never be healed so long as those redneck rubes in flyover land refuse to listen to reason, and continue to vote for who they want.


Karen Anderson

A Polarized Nation

Yes, the rift between the left-leaning centrist moderate Republicans and the right-leaning ultra conservative Republicans grows ever wider.


Tom Knight

A Polarized Nation

I got this funny e-mail about the red and blue states. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was funny in that poignant sort of way.


Jill Karls

A Polarized Nation

Polarized sounds like one of those fancy liberal words. Why don't you just say 'right' and 'wrong'?


Chris Winfield

Human Rights And The U.S.

According to Amnesty International, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader. What do you think?

Doesn't Amnesty International realize we have covert black-op specialists who shoot people for saying that kind of stuff?


Dan Eichelberger

Human Rights And The U.S.

I guess our nation's leaders have given up trying to impress sexy, politically active college chicks.


Eileen Tenace

Human Rights And The U.S.

I'd like to applaud the forward-thinking nations of Angola, Sudan, and Syria for helping vote the U.S. off the U.N. commission. Truly, your countries are examples to us all.


Laurie Almon

Human Rights And The U.S.

I support whatever Amnesty International has to say. I have to: They sent me those free return-address labels.


Paul Bevacqua

Human Rights And The U.S.

Fine, I'll let the guy out of my basement. Will that fix this up?


Raymond Fingers

Human Rights And The U.S.

America makes the best movies, the best TV shows, and the best snack foods. We can't do everything.


Georgia's Evolution Stickers

Last week, a U.S. district judge ordered a Georgia school district to remove stickers reading, "Evolution is a theory

not a fact"" from its textbooks. What do you think?"

The thing is, they're right. Evolution is nothing more than a well-supported, predictive, scientifically rigorous theory.


Georgia's Evolution Stickers

If you don't believe in creationism, then how do you explain the fact that I do, smart guy?


Georgia's Evolution Stickers

Good. Now could New York please take the sticker off my literature textbook that says Surrealism is just a school of thought often in conflict with Abstractism?


Georgia's Evolution Stickers

Maybe now a judge will press Georgia schools to remove the 'Mr. Yuk' stickers from books by black authors.


Georgia's Evolution Stickers

Man, I gotta get one of those stickers for my guitar case. That'd be awesome.


Georgia's Evolution Stickers

I hope they replaced the old stickers with new ones that read, 'Do not burn.'


Ted Ramos

The Rice Confirmation

After a delay caused by Congressional Democrats, Condoleezza Rice will be confirmed as Secretary of State this week. What do you think?

Great. Now the public face of U.S. diplomacy is that of a pissed-off terrier.


Michael Shaw

The Rice Confirmation

Ms. Rice should make an ideal Secretary of State. She's already proved to the U.S. that she can evade questions in front of a Congressional panel.


Colleen Burns

The Rice Confirmation

I say, why not give Condi a shot as Secretary of State? It might help her self-esteem and encourage her to start taking an interest in her appearance.


Peter Swain

The Rice Confirmation

The implications are profound. She's paved the way for a black female to perform with the Capitol Steps.


Gregory Gordon

The Rice Confirmation

So she had to explain why she's the best candidate for the job? Big deal. I had to do that last week when I applied at Panda Express.


Joy Mattingly

The Rice Confirmation

Twenty years ago, I never would've believed that we'd have a black, female Secretary of State, much less one who was a conservative warmonger, too. We've come a long way.


Carla Sparks

Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

While some travelers cancelled vacations to tsunami-stricken countries, others say that tourism is important for rebuilding the area's economy. What do you think?

How can Thailand expect people like me to visit? What am I—made of bahts?


Gordan Rami

Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

I'll bet the tourism drop-off would be reversed if the Western media would shift its focus to more positive coverage of tsunamis.


Brenda Ellis-Lee

Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

Well, I was going to visit the Greek ruins, but I might as well go where the ruins are still fresh.


Joe Callister

Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

I'll still take my annual vacation in Sri Lanka, but I'm going to be nice to everyone for a change.


Tyler Wilson

Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

Whoa. Talk about the very definition of guilt trip.


Toby Leiffert

Tourism In The Tsunami's Wake

It's time for the healing process to begin. Resident of Sumatra, another Mai Tai, please.


Carla Sparks

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

The FCC is currently reviewing its ban on the use of cell phones during flights, but many passengers say they like the restriction. What do you think?

If they lift the ban on cell-phone use, they better lift the ban on passengers beating the shit out of each other, too.


Gordan Rami

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

But…but…what about the disastrous effect cell phones could have on aircraft navigational systems?! Nooo!


Brenda Ellis-Lee

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

I don't know. Last year, the airlines lifted the ban on seat-kicking and look what happened.


Joe Callister

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

Awesome! Now I can call my girlfriend and join the Mile High Solo club.


Tyler Wilson

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

What an ideal marriage of the Wright Brothers and Alexander Graham Bell. And Kafka. And Pavlov. And Mengele.


Toby Leiffert

The In-Flight Cell-Phone Ban

Now the only thing left is to fill the cabin with ankle-deep brackish ice water, and air travel will be about perfect.


Eli McLemore

Failing Phys Ed Programs

With obesity among children rising steadily, health experts say our school's physical education programs are woefully inadequate. What do you think?

Well, what do people expect? How are today's gym teachers supposed to motivate kids, now that homophobia, verbal harassment, and physical abuse are off limits?


Russell Sager

Failing Phys Ed Programs

The dubious benefits of a mandatory exercise program weighed against the undeniable fattening of America's kids? Sounds like it's time for an in-depth shirts vs. skins debate.


Monty Wendt

Failing Phys Ed Programs

There are many reasons that a school should have an extensive Phys Ed program. For one thing, it's the best way to increase kids' interest in reading and math.


Freida Stallworth

Failing Phys Ed Programs

Oh good. It's our nation's schools that are to blame for my 200-pound son. Phew!


Damien Shear

Failing Phys Ed Programs

I don't want my kids missing out on all that gym class offers. That's why I give them cruel nicknames, make them shower together, and snap them with wet towels.


Pamela Gant

Failing Phys Ed Programs

You know, sex burns a lot of calories. Teens love sex. I can't see why no one has thought of this before.


Sylvia Drake

COX-2 Inhibitors

The FDA is currently deciding whether to restrict the use of COX-2 inhibitors, the widely used class of pain drugs which includes Vioxx. What do you think?

Jesus, a couple people's hearts explode, and everyone goes nuts.


Carson Bloom

COX-2 Inhibitors

I'm confused. How did they separate the effects of Vioxx from the other 1,372 things that give Americans heart attacks?


Joe Moran

COX-2 Inhibitors

I hope the invisible hand of capitalism is trained in CPR.


Eric Baumgartner

COX-2 Inhibitors

Hey, what about all the horrible side effects these drugs don't cause?


Pat Adkins

COX-2 Inhibitors

I wondered why that Celebrex TV ad showed an old guy in the middle of a sun-drenched wheat field having a heart attack.


Lisa Layman

COX-2 Inhibitors

They're gonna ban COX-2 inhibitors? But that's my third-favorite class of painkillers.


Vincent Velez

Schiavo's Right To Die

Last week, a judge gave Florida resident Michael Schiavo permission to remove the feeding tube of his brain-damaged wife Terri. What do you think?

I understand what her husband is going through. My family is currently petitioning the state for permission to remove my fat uncle's feeding spoon.


Lance Morse

Schiavo's Right To Die

If we allow one brain-dead Floridian to die, what's to stop us from extending that policy to include the rest of the state?


Margo Strand

Schiavo's Right To Die

With proper treatment, Terri Schiavo could have gone on to live a long and… long life.


Cody McIntyre

Schiavo's Right To Die

I've set up a living will so that, in the event I fall into a persistent vegetative state, I should be blown to death.


Ted Hebert

Schiavo's Right To Die

If God wanted people to die with dignity, He wouldn't have created modern medical technology capable of artificially prolonging life.


Maria Avery

Schiavo's Right To Die

And what about the feeding tube? Is no one considering its feelings?


Timothy Potts

Consumption Tax Proposed

Last week, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said a consumption tax, such as a national sales tax, could benefit the nation's economy. What do you think?

This tax would unfairly penalize people whose televisions aren't as large as they'd like.


Lola Stein

Consumption Tax Proposed

So, does this mean that, in the future, if I don't want law and order to utterly collapse, I'll have to buy at least five things a day?


Jarrod Ray

Consumption Tax Proposed

I'd been wondering if my daily ramen-noodles consumption could somehow be turned into a revenue stream for the federal government.


Connie Crane

Consumption Tax Proposed

That damn Kerry! Even though he didn't get elected, he's somehow managed to sneak his insidious liberal tax-raising agenda onto us anyway!


Corey Bernard

Consumption Tax Proposed

As a man with a massive income that I only spend on necessities, this sounds like an ideal plan.


Adrian Sears

Consumption Tax Proposed

We tried an income-based tax for nearly a century and look what it brought us: greater economic stability and government accountability. Clearly, we must explore other options.


Kim Emerson

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

Last week, the Senate made moves toward approving pro-business legislation that will make it harder for individuals to file for bankruptcy. What do you think?

This is a victory for good, hard-working, God-fearing credit-card companies everywhere. Dry your eyes, Citibank, help is on the way!


Javier Burris

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

Well, there goes my foolproof get-bankrupt-quick scheme.


Doug Schaulsberg

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

I guess my only hope for ever getting out of debt is declaring myself a business. Hey everyone! Shares in DougCo are trading at an all-time low.


Arnold Kaufman

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

Look! I caught another middle-class guy! Here, hold his arms behind his back while I gut-punch him!


Christian Irwin

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

Ever since reading Charles Dickens as a child, I've felt that debtors' prisons had a romantic feel about them. Let's bring those back.


Stacy Goff

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

If this doesn't teach Americans not to have medical emergencies or get laid off, I don't know what will.


Cecelia Mayo

Oil Drilling In Alaska

In a major political victory for President Bush, the Senate recently voted to open the Alaskan Arctic Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling. What do you think?

This can't be true. Bush described himself as an environmental guardian last fall, and I've seen photos of him standing in front of trees.


Angel Macias

Oil Drilling In Alaska

At least now we'll see the area destroyed in 10 short years instead of watching global warming do it over a painful, drawn-out 40.


Ted Bonner

Oil Drilling In Alaska

What I don't get is why this counts as 'a victory for the energy lobby' instead of 'a loss for the country at large.'


Floyd Holden

Oil Drilling In Alaska

But… but where will there be pristine and untouched wonders left for me to drive my GMC Yukon through?


Richard Lott

Oil Drilling In Alaska

They're drilling in the Alaskan wilderness? That's too bad. Someone really ought to look into passing laws to put such places under federal protection so this doesn't happen again.


Loni Sweet

Oil Drilling In Alaska

If I may be allowed to pursue the idea of 'addiction to oil,' I think the nation just reached the point where we sold our wedding ring for one night's fix.


Jared Maldonado

The Morning-After Pill

The FDA is deciding whether they will allow non-prescription sales of the morning-after pill Plan B. What do you think?

If this pill is sold over the counter, people will start, for the first time ever, having unprotected sex.


Adrian Roy

The Morning-After Pill

It says in the Bible that the morning-after pill is wrong. I believe the passage is Pharmaceuticals 3:16.


Dana Conner

The Morning-After Pill

Why not? The tequila responsible for getting me knocked up in the first place is sold over the counter.


Ana Huff

The Morning-After Pill

Not for me, thanks. I've had a Dalkon Shield IUD in me for 30 years, and in me it's gonna stay.


Claude Adkins

The Morning-After Pill

Do I think they should sell the morning-after pill over the counter? Hell, I think they should add it to One-A-Day multivitamins.


Karl Bass

The Morning-After Pill

Wait. There's a way to prevent pregnancy?


Preston Brady

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

According to the American Cancer Society, more than 60 percent of all cancer deaths could be prevented if Americans lived healthier lives. What do you think?

Preventable? What those doctors really mean is 'preventable with minor effort and inconvenience.'


Darla Clayton

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

So, all I have to do is cut out smoking, drinking, eating, breathing, and driving, and I'll die of something other than cancer? Hooray!


Damon Frank

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

When I had cancer, I received care and attention for the first time in my life. What makes you think I'd trade that for jogging three miles a day by myself?


Trudy Massey

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

That advice is all well and good, but what about people like me, who don't have the time to not smoke?


Peter Logan

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

My dad smoked like a chimney, ate only steaks, and drank bourbon every day, and he lived to be 54. Keep in mind, this was back in the '70s, when that was considered quite old.


Bennie Lloyd

Many Cancer Deaths Preventable

Boy, I'd hate to get a disease and die at 60 instead of enjoying those extra three decades of livin' la vida nursing home.


Colleen Bowers

Embattled Tom Delay

In recent weeks, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has come under increasing fire from a number of important media and political figures. What do you think?

I heard Tom DeLay's blood was in the water and the sharks were circling him, but unfortunately, it turned out to be a metaphor.


Don Figueroa

Embattled Tom Delay

There's a big difference between the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. Sure, he broke both, but there's a big difference.


Andre Carson

Embattled Tom Delay

Enough is enough. DeLay should do the honorable thing: take all the money he's cheated out of the American people, buy himself a nice mansion, and retire.


James Henson

Embattled Tom Delay

Tom DeLay is an inspiration. His example has given me hope that my ethics violations will go ignored for years, as well.


Zachary Hardin

Embattled Tom Delay

Oh, come on. Like nobody in Congress has ever built a career out of borderline-illegal financial impropriety before. Grow up.


Tanya Wilkinson

Embattled Tom Delay

I'm telling you, if Tom DeLay would come out and say, 'Screw it, I'm just in it for the cash and the bitches,' his popularity would skyrocket. At the very least, he'd be in a Kid Rock video.


Harold Wilson

Are Tasers Safe?

Most security personnel defend the use of Tasers, but Amnesty International said that there have been more than 100 Taser-related deaths since 2001. What do you think?

You wouldn't be complaining about Tasers if you had a rubber bullet lodged within inches of your heart like me.


Mark Stuttgart

Are Tasers Safe?

As a man who wears a thick-rubber gimp suit on his midnight visits to the nursing school, I have no problem with Taser use.


Karl Gordon

Are Tasers Safe?

If you're a cop, deadly force is the last thing you want to use. However, if you're a really twisted cop, a weapon that leaves a suspect flopping about like an epileptic puppy is dead-bang perfect.


Mary Watkins

Are Tasers Safe?

People complain that getting hit by a Taser is really painful, but in reality it doesn't hurt until your hypothalamus starts working again.


Sam Williamson

Are Tasers Safe?

I only hope this controversy doesn't affect my soon-to-be-launched national family-fun franchise, Taser Tag.


Ellen Anderson

Are Tasers Safe?

Tasers are too much of a hazard. I guess the police will just have to go back to using tractor beams.


Kent Montoya

The New Food Pyramid

Last week, the federal government released a new food pyramid, but many citizens say the nutrition guidelines are too complicated. What do you think?

Apparently there are different food pyramids for meeting different people's needs. I'm gonna guess mine is a mile-high spike of smoked ham, 1,000 feet wide at the base.


Tracy Golden

The New Food Pyramid

I'm not sure how to use the pyramid guidelines. They measure servings in cups, whereas I measure servings in pitchers. Sometimes in pails, if I have a clean one.


Eduardo York

The New Food Pyramid

Look, governments are supposed to kill people, not encourage them to be healthier.


Nellie Robles

The New Food Pyramid

I heard that if you burrow deep inside the pyramid, you'll find a mother lode of discretionary calories.


Seth Johnson

The New Food Pyramid

I ask this every year, but where is the 'learning to love yourself the way you already are' pyramid?


Marianne McDowell

The New Food Pyramid

I've always wanted to be buried for all eternity in a giant food pyramid, with my toaster and chicken rotisserie preserved next to me in ceremonial urns.


Al Trevino

Women On The Front Line

Women are barred from U.S. military jobs that would place them on the front line, but some say all troops in Iraq are exposed to ground combat. What do you think?

If you ask me, it's about time America's proud and deadly fighting women were put in the damn military.


Gabriel Meyers

Women On The Front Line

Man, imagine how humiliating it would be to have a crush on a girl in your platoon, only to get your legs blown off right in front of her.


Renee Blankenship

Women On The Front Line

Women in the military is a complicated issue in the otherwise black-and-white world of war and combat.


Ronald Savage

Women On The Front Line

I think we should take women off their pedestals, as they just make them sitting ducks in the battle zone.


Elmer Whitehead

Women On The Front Line

Women are too docile to serve in front-line combat. Their place is back at the prison, sadistically torturing detainees.


Joy Woodard

Women On The Front Line

To their commanders, front-line soldiers are nothing more than objects, warm bodies, pieces of meat. Women should certainly be used to that.


Erik Booth

Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

Last week, the Texas House of Representatives approved a bill banning "overtly sexually suggestive"" high-school cheerleading routines. What do you think?"

See?! See what happens when you bring it on, Kirsten Dunst?!


Cindy Campos

Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

If we outlawed everything some people find offensive, there wouldn't even be a Texas in the first place.


Jon Patell

Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

Is there a way to comment on this without seeming like a huge perv? All right then, I like the jiggling. Are you happy?


Dianne Pruitt

Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

Texas lawmakers: always on the vanguard of educational reform.


Alvin Humphrey

Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

The law needs to differentiate clearly between lewd cheerleading and regular cheerleading. I've been masturbating to both for quite some time, and trust me, there are subtle differences.


Alex Stafford

Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

As a former Texas football player, I've gotta say I never noticed the cheerleaders. Don't tell the other guys, though, 'cause they'd kick the shit outta me if they knew that I was gay.


Joy Hess

WTO May Accept Russia

If negotiations go smoothly, Russia may be invited to join the World Trade Organization in 2006. What do you think?

It's amazing that, with an economy that large, Russia isn't already in the WTO. Is it because they only import stolen cars and export mail-order brides?


Clinton Chan

WTO May Accept Russia

After all the bullshit they put James Bond through, those Russians have a lot of nerve expecting us to become their trade allies.


Ken Dorsey

WTO May Accept Russia

Does this mean cheaper vodka? Because, honestly, that's the last thing I need.


Joe Roach

WTO May Accept Russia

I'm starting my own Joe's Trade Organization, and it would be a real feather in my cap to snag Russia first.


Neil Hood

WTO May Accept Russia

Allowing a country like Russia to join the organization would make a mockery of whatever it is the WTO stands for.


Allison Church

WTO May Accept Russia

Why is this an issue? Evil Communist Russians have been a part of the WWE since the '80s.


Lillie Moon

Congressional Filibusters

Some people view the filibuster as a vital democratic tool, but others see it as an unnecessary impediment to legislative progress. What do you think?

Wait—wouldn't the Democrats be able to filibuster the bill to change the filibustering rules?


Louis Knapp

Congressional Filibusters

I think it's time America moved past this 'checks and balances' idea and fully embraced our 'unlimited line of credit' society.


Timothy Landry

Congressional Filibusters

The filibuster, eh? That reminds me of the baking-powder biscuits my dear old grandmother used to make. First, she'd take shortening… Now, keep in mind, the more shortening you use, the flakier the biscuits will be. My, all of us kids used to love</


Gordon Richmond

Congressional Filibusters

I use filibusters in my day-to-day life. They help you get out of all kinds of stuff, like taking out the garbage or having children.


Derek Meadows

Congressional Filibusters

Do filibusters have anything to do with the word 'quorum'? Because I totally remember that word, too.


Viola Ellison

Congressional Filibusters

I'm not positive where I stand on filibusters, but as a longtime proponent of 'less talk, more rock,' I assume I'm against them.


Ali Marni

The Stem-Cell Bill

The House recently passed a bill lifting restrictions on stem-cell research, but Bush has threatened to veto the bill if it passes the Senate. What do you think?

The Democrats and Republicans—and most of the American public—are actually in agreement over an issue. You can see how Bush would want to put a stop to that right away.


Todd Filbert

The Stem-Cell Bill

Some things are just morally reprehensible, like using science to save people's lives.


Tanya Spinks

The Stem-Cell Bill

If Bush vetoes this bill, I'm going to veto him! With a bumper sticker, of course.


Gary Schneider

The Stem-Cell Bill

Hey, if it weren't for scientific research, Christopher Reeve would've died on that polo field and none of this would even be an issue in the first place.


Wesley Wilkes

The Stem-Cell Bill

The Democrats want stem-cell research so they can cure multiple sclerosis. The GOP wants it so they can grow an army of zombies. So Bush is in a tough spot politically.


Rose Anderson

The Stem-Cell Bill

They're not stems, they're babies! And they're not cells, they're babies! And it's not research, it's babies!


Stephen Clowney

Deep Throat Revealed

Last week, former FBI agent Mark Felt revealed that he was Deep Throat, the anonymous source that helped break the Watergate scandal. What do you think?

From the looks of his photo, Mr. Felt took this secret 99.5 percent of the way to the grave.


Ruby Afram

Deep Throat Revealed

Although his motives remain unclear, I definitely believe that Mr. Throat ultimately acted in the best interests of his nation.


Carlos Barrezueta

Deep Throat Revealed

He didn't also kill JFK, did he? I'd like to tie up as many loose ends as possible this week.


Frances Mejor

Deep Throat Revealed

I had my money on former Nixon speechwriter Ben Stein, largely because I am ignorant and he's been on TV.


Tad Heuer

Deep Throat Revealed

I'm just glad that longtime suspect Henry Kissinger has finally been vindicated. It's about time his good name was cleared of any lingering charges of right-doing.


Bryan Ketroser

Deep Throat Revealed

To Leonard Garment, who authored In Search Of Deep Throat and argued that former White House aide John Sears was the mystery informant, I'd like to say one thing: Ha ha ha!


Irina Manta

Medical Marijuana

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do you think?

This is sad news for me and other survivors of nausea.


Brian Netter

Medical Marijuana

I was surprised by the judges' reaction to this whole thing. Especially Scalia, because, y'know, he's cool.


Alan Schoenfeld

Medical Marijuana

Well, can't these cancer patients paint, play sports, or listen to music instead of doing drugs? That's what they taught us in health class.


Daniel S. Korobkin

Medical Marijuana

Dude, the small-government-advocating, states-rights-supporting conservatives must've been totally high when they wrote that decision.


Robert Yablon

Medical Marijuana

The Court made the right decision. Once you legalize the medical use of marijuana, it's only a matter of time before you start seeing medical use of harder narcotics, like morphine.


Caroline Wilson

Medical Marijuana

Great. Now how am I supposed to treat my recurrent case of Doritos Aversion Syndrome?


Jim Hansen Prime

A Female Dolphin President?

Sen. E'eek Finback (D-AO) has already emerged as a frontrunner for the 2057 Democratic presidential nomination, but some say America isn't ready for a female dolphin in the White House. What do you think?

I have nothing but respect for members of the Delphinidae family, but a female dolphin's place is in the sea, raising her calves.


Sol Gundam

A Female Dolphin President?

Sen. Finback has nothing new to add to the national discourse. Frankly, she's just blowing hot air and saltwater mist.


Edwin Gaines

A Female Dolphin President?

Well, former president Koko has already signed off on her, saying, 'Dolphin yes woman good give banana now dolphin yes.'


Tammy Lester

A Female Dolphin President?

Do you think E'eek would be doing so well if she were a squat-bodied Pacific white-side dolphin instead of a cute bottlenose? I seriously doubt it.


Jim Hansen II

A Female Dolphin President?

I find her background inspiring. Do you know she was caught in a tuna net at the age of six months, only to graduate magna cum laude from Harvard Law School 12 years later?


P. Wiggles

A Female Dolphin President?

Tk-tkk-tk-tkik-tik! USA! USA! USA! Tk-tik-tkkk!


Mindy Biancardi

Bolton's UN Nomination

The Senate continues to debate John Bolton's nomination for UN ambassador, with Bush threatening to appoint him in spite of their concerns. What do you think?

Man, if the Democrats are going to block every terrible idea Bush has, nothing's ever going to get done in Washington.


Seth Johnson

Bolton's UN Nomination

Appointing Bolton to the UN is like appointing a fish to ride a bicycle that he hates and wishes to destroy.


David Wilcox

Bolton's UN Nomination

He may look gruff, but I'm sure he's quite warm and grandfatherly once you get to know him. We're talking about Wilford Brimley, right?


Kevin Mouton

Bolton's UN Nomination

It's amazing! I've been following this story from day one, and I still don't give a shit.


Brian Dixon

Bolton's UN Nomination

Some people say I look like John Bolton. You see the resemblance? No? It's the mustache.


Kim Murillo

Bolton's UN Nomination

All these problems stem from the Bush Administration's refusal to hand over documents requested from them. Isn't about time we outlaw documents?


Julie Hunt

The Social Security Time Bomb

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken. What do you think?

This certainly is bad news for the elderly, coming as it does on the heels of the Federal Aging and Ice Floes Act.


Donald Nelson

The Social Security Time Bomb

It's news like this that makes me wish I could stay 59 forever.


Jimmy Shaw

The Social Security Time Bomb

It's good I already have a taste for dog food.


Dan Cox

The Social Security Time Bomb

So much for my plan to live off Social Security while I travel the country banging Denny's cashiers in my Airstream.


Emily Holmes

The Social Security Time Bomb

This is really an economics issue. Were it, say, a women's-studies issue, I might have more insight to share.


Albert Robertson

The Social Security Time Bomb

Everybody relax. We'll be fine as soon as we get our money back from Iraq.


Oscar Sowell

National Parks Under Siege

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems. What do you think?

Hey, I own the national parks as much as anyone, so I'm going to plow my RV into as many herds of deer as I like.


Jeff Palmer

National Parks Under Siege

They should hire some more of those giant owls that pick up garbage.


Angela Koerner

National Parks Under Siege

Maybe if the parks had some decent four-lane highways running through them, there wouldn't be so much traffic.


Steve Tendero

National Parks Under Siege

I don't buy this overcrowding bullshit for a minute: They just want us out of Yellowstone so they can grow more 'Old Faithful Primo Gold,' the special top-secret Senate marijuana.


Lynette Bosch

National Parks Under Siege

Why visit some overcrowded national park when you can spend your summer vacation at the Our Lady Of Fatima Grotto & Fireworks Stand, located just five miles off I-90 in scenic Onida, SD?


Christopher Lee

National Parks Under Siege

The beauty of our national parks is awe-inspiring. Except for Jellystone. I drove through there once, and it was just the same tree, rock, and picnic bench going by in the background over and over.


Dustin Kelly

Hospital Infections

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you think?

Perhaps this problem would be solved if hospitals used a strong-smelling antiseptic and painted everything white.


Marshall Chitwood

Hospital Infections

This is why I remained conscious during my hip-replacement surgery and insisted that rubber gloves were worn at all times.


Anne Kohl

Hospital Infections

Infections too, now? I thought it was bad enough when they put me in a room full of sick people, stuck me with needles, and took away my pants.


Tom Rosen

Hospital Infections

A closed-off building filled with contagious people? Whose idea were hospitals, anyway?


Heather Ramirez

Hospital Infections

See, this is exactly the sort of thing that pisses off House, M.D. each week.


Douglas Hurd

Hospital Infections

That explains why my triple-bypass surgery was done outdoors.


Joshua Banks

London Bombings

London subways and buses have been targeted in two subway attacks in recent weeks. What do you think?

What? Did these madmen not hear the world denounce these acts just weeks ago?


Derrick Powers

London Bombings

Well, it certainly led to a lot of poorly Photoshopped crying lions and unicorns in my e-mail.


Dalia Lofton

London Bombings

The sad thing is, London may now develop anti-Pakistani racism for the first time in its history.


Allen Ward

London Bombings

Whatever dangers London may face, I am confident that the strong leadership of Her Majesty the Queen can handle any challenge.


Carolyn Allen

London Bombings

Are the Brits flying into a blind rage and invading an oil-producing country for no reason? Well, why not?


Rodney Price

London Bombings

As an Irishman, I think whoever's behind this should be found and punished if it isn't us.


Diane Black

AFL-CIO Split

Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think?

This is a sad day for organized crime—labor! I meant labor!


Steven Watson

AFL-CIO Split

I'm reserving my judgment until I know what side Springsteen's on.


Jody Soares

AFL-CIO Split

Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but those incredibly tacky gold chains you wear.


Jesse Pearson

AFL-CIO Split

'Boo-hoo… I'm all alone… People are leaving me all alone. Boo-hoo. I'm the AFL-CIO. Boo-hoo.' Grow up!


Kenneth Trapp

AFL-CIO Split

Wait a second… Didn't Reagan end organized labor?


Jeffrey Courson

AFL-CIO Split

All's I know is, somebody's gotta drive this here pickle truck to Secaucus, and it ain't gonna be me.


Gary Burch

Dog Cloning

Last week, the South Koreans became the first to clone a dog, reigniting a longstanding ethical debate. What do you think?

This is a crucial breakthrough, as it's nearly impossible to get two dogs to fuck anymore.


Kim Casarez

Dog Cloning

I heard that cloned dog is highly unstable. Supposedly, if you pet it, its head'll, like, blow up.


Dede Greenwald

Dog Cloning

As a Christian fundamentalist with a literal stance toward interpreting Scripture, I can't help but think that this could have saved Noah a lot of deck space.


Joshua Green

Dog Cloning

Did they rip the dog in two? Because that's how I cloned my starfish.


Bulah Albers

Dog Cloning

The terrifying world of the future turns out to be pretty friggin' cute. Puppy! Puppy!


Mark Golin

Dog Cloning

I'm not sure what I think about the Koreans cloning a dog, but I'm pretty sure I know what my hateful loudmouth racist of a neighbor's gonna say.


Stephen J. Perrault

Jackson Jurors

Two jurors in the Michael Jackson molestation trial said they regret acquitting Jackson, and both now have pending book deals. What do you think?

I, for one, am glad these jurors are finally getting a chance to weigh in on the Jackson trial.


Madeline Novak

Jackson Jurors

If these jurors make a lot of money, the jury for the next Jackson molestation trial will be filled with opportunists.


Susan L. Brady

Jackson Jurors

Oh, this is just like 12 Angry Men, except this time, it ends with them letting a child molester go free.


Frederick C. Mish

Jackson Jurors

Real-life trials have such hackneyed and predictable endings. Where's the creativity?


Daniel Hopkins

Jackson Jurors

Shouldn't they have known that Jackson was guilty before the trial began?


Meil Serven

Jackson Jurors

This is what happens when a sleazy loonball is tried by a jury of his peers.


William McGeveren

Gaza Pullout

In an effort to reinvigorate the Middle East peace process, Israel fulfilled its pledge and withdrew from the Gaza Strip. What do you think?

An end to over three decades of savage bloodshed over a tiny, ugly parcel of land… This is truly a sad day in the history of


Elizabeth Barden

Gaza Pullout

Tell me they at least kept those beautiful, beautiful concrete demarcation walls up—they did? Oh, thank God.


Cassandra L. Capo

Gaza Pullout

See, I knew that if the Palestinians ignored the Israelis for long enough, they'd go away.


Ramzi al-Yuusuf

Gaza Pullout

A Gaza home is affordable and can be yours! Contact me, Ramzi al-Yuusuf, at Hamas Realty, 08-636-8871.


Jay Jaffe

Gaza Pullout

I just can't believe that spineless peacenik Sharon knuckled under so quickly.


Martin Kenney Jr.

Gaza Pullout

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, just tell me if it's good or bad this is happening, because I'm too goddamned confused by the last 30


Matt Christian

U.S.-North Korea Relations

The U.S. is struggling to handle its relations with volatile, unpredictable North Korea. What do you think?

I'm not really the one to ask, as I have very little experience in diplomacy with hard-line communist nations.


Leslie Belanger

U.S.-North Korea Relations

We should say we have a magic flying house, and then when they say, 'Yeah, we do too,' we'll say, 'Gotcha! There's no such thing!' and they'll look like morons to the international community.


Nelson Owens

U.S.-North Korea Relations

The only thing the North Koreans understand is force. Well, that and Korean.


Lisa Willis

Pat Robertson's Remarks

Televangelist Pat Robertson recently called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. What do you think?

This recalls a moral and ethical dilemma theologians have grappled with for millennia, namely: Is it right to murder people?


Earl Keener

Pat Robertson's Remarks

Pat Robertson, as a Christian, a politician, or a pundit, is a living argument for the separation of head and body.


Stephen LaSalle

Pat Robertson's Remarks

Forgive him, Father. He knows not his ass from a fucking hole in the ground.


Marcus Kaat

Atkins Diet Over

Atkins Nutritional, the former nutrition giant whose Atkins Diet craze has fizzled in the recent months, blamed slumping demand and increased competition for its failure. What do you think?

Now that it has been proven a financial disaster, I am convinced of the inefficacy of the Atkins Diet.


Evan Swaney

Atkins Diet Over

Does this mean I can't get triple-bacon-double-cheese barbecue burgers any more? I can? Whew. Close one.


Dianne Bankhead

Atkins Diet Over

Diets are fleeting. Health concerns fade. But my body's quivering girdle of rich yellow fat is eternal.


Elaine Schoor

Reality TV's Integrity Questioned

Critics and viewers are beginning to question the integrity of reality-television shows, saying that some of them may be scripted or fixed. What do you think?

Yes, definitely, at this crucial time in history, television shows are where Americans should demand accountability.


David Hatton

Reality TV's Integrity Questioned

Scandals at reality shows? Next you're going to tell me that Michael Ian Black didn't actually love the '80s.


John DeMuth

Reality TV's Integrity Questioned

You can't tell me that a show as choppy and haphazard as Two And A Half Men is scripted.


Kevin Bellisle

Chinese Auto Industry

Chinese carmakers are beginning to increase production volume, raise quality-control standards, and export cars to Europe, with the hope of becoming a major player in the auto industry in the coming years. What do you think?

Hmm, a U.S. Navy fighter jet crashes in China and five years later they know how to make cars. Coincidence?


Geraldine Watts

Chinese Auto Industry

They want to make China the new Detroit, which is fine with me since I never saw much good in the Detroit we have now.


Karl Nevers

Chinese Auto Industry

Man, I knew the Asians could do cool stuff with folded paper, but that's just nuts.


Richard Spears

Death Of The Chief Justice

William Rehnquist, the chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, died Saturday at age 80. What do you think?

My heart would go out to his family and friends if it weren't already out to 100,000 Southerners.


Karen Walker

Death Of The Chief Justice

His memory will live on forever, just like James Moore Wayne and Abe Fortas.


Steven Kleindeller

Death Of The Chief Justice

Rehnquist and I would probably agree on this for different reasons, but I think he chose the worst possible time to die.


Philip Convers

Racial Profiling Okay?

A recent study shows that most Americans do not have a problem with racial profiling by law enforcement officers. What do you think?

I don't think the police or government should be empowered to do racial profiling. That should be left up to me, when I cross the street to avoid brown people.


Catherine Simmons

Racial Profiling Okay?

Racial profiling just makes sense. But it's also wrong, so I'm torn.


Mario Guiterrez

Racial Profiling Okay?

It's always important never to make assumptions, because appearances can deceive. For example, do you really know what race I am? All right, I'm black.


Hans Krauth

Chimp Genome Mapped

Scientists have mapped the complete chimp genome and are comparing it to the human genome to see what sets the two species apart. What do you think?

Finally, we might begin to get some answers to… to… you know, all our most pressing chimp questions.


Patricia Holbrook

Chimp Genome Mapped

Can I use this information to make my arms longer but not hairier?


Sebastian Soriano

Chimp Genome Mapped

This is secular humanism at its worst. What about mapping Christ's genome?


Gordon Puente

CBGB's Lease Expires

The landlord of the CBGB's building announced that he will not renew the lease of the legendary New York club. What do you think?

The musical voice of a generation has gone silent. Now, we'll be able to clearly hear the actual voices of that same generation complain about joint pain.


Joseph Gardener

CBGB's Lease Expires

If I ever miss CBGB's, I'll put on a shitty band's self-released CD, drink a $6 Budweiser, and piss all over myself.


Amy Lindner

CBGB's Lease Expires

CBGB's is following in the great punk tradition (i.e. it's dying).


Morton Karnes

Strategic Oil Reserves

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush is tapping the strategic oil reserve to help petroleum refiners. What do you think?

It's a compassionate gesture in a time of natural disaster, but I'm warning you: One of these days, Bush's big heart is going to get him in trouble.


Alison Dumont

Strategic Oil Reserves

I'm against it. The Strategic Petroleum Reserve was created way back in 1973, during that passing fad of 'forward thinking.'


Brian Arsenault

Strategic Oil Reserves

The oil industry can't rely on soaring prices and record profits to weather this meteorological inconvenience. They need a hand up.


David Heller

California's Gay-Marriage Bill

Last week, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will veto the gay-marriage bill passed by California's state legislature. What do you think?

Well, I can understand where the governor is coming from. Being an actor, he's probably just not that comfortable with homosexuals.


Elizabeth Slucer

California's Gay-Marriage Bill

Goddammit, if gay marriage was good enough for my grandfather, it's good enough for me.


Arthur Bates

California's Gay-Marriage Bill

So, playing all those gun-toting homos in the movies is okay, but when it comes to furthering their civil rights, suddenly they're off limits, huh Arnold?


Rebecca Basset

New Orleans Pets

According to reports, many people in New Orleans are reluctant to evacuate because they don't want to leave their pets. What do you think?

As the owner of a Chihuahua, I've been looking for an excuse to ditch that damn thing for years.


Marcus Brauer

New Orleans Pets

I don't blame them. With the situation down there the way it is, those pets are a valuable food source.


Walt Kirsch

New Orleans Pets

Kitties and doggies in trouble? Finally, something to put a human face on this tragedy.


Amos Palumbro

Ford Recall

Ford Motor Company recalled 3.8 million pickup trucks and SUVs due to an electrical-system safety issue. What do you think?

I'd rather have my Ford hauled off in a massive factory recall than drive a Chevy.


Shaun Barnes

Ford Recall

Are they finally putting roofs on their '99 Ranger pickups? Because I'm getting soaked.


Marisa Tennant

Ford Recall

I heard it's due to a cruise-control malfunction that can cause vehicles to catch fire while parked. I wonder if there's a department within Ford that does nothing but dream up hilarious reasons for recalls.


Gerald Fictner

iPod Nano

Apple recently introduced yet another new iPod, a wafer-thin, flash-based unit that marks the fifth product generation for the popular player. What do you think?

At last, after years of false hope and empty promises, I can finally shove 1,000 songs up my ass.


Rhonda Harkness

iPod Nano

As a maker of custom iPod cases, sleeves, and belt clips, I'd just like to say: Goddammit! Slow the fuck down!


Kalmon Hubbard

iPod Nano

Excuse me? The first two floors of my house are still underwater? Hello? Has anyone seen my wife?


Norton Hewit

Katrina Reporters "Lost It"

American viewers witnessed reporters becoming unusually emotional on camera while reporting on Hurricane Katrina, raising questions about appropriate journalistic behavior. What do you think?

Sheesh, you send somebody into the middle of the worst natural disaster in U.S. history, and the next thing you know, they're getting all emotional on you.


Hannah Forrester

Katrina Reporters "Lost It"

One thing's for sure: Anderson Cooper's raw emotion and courage in the face of great tragedy have truly earned him the nickname 'Coop.'


Arturo Sonorra

Katrina Reporters "Lost It"

I don't believe reporters should be allowed to editorialize like that. It should be left up to me to decide whether or not what happened in New Orleans was sad.


Walter Krauss

Hockey Returns

After a yearlong players' strike, professional hockey returned to the ice last weekend as the NHL presented the first exhibition games of the 2005-2006 season. What do you think?

Well, it's a little too late now, isn't it, seeing as Canada committed suicide last month?


Cindy Charron

Hockey Returns

Hockey was canceled? I hadn't even noticed, as I'm watching the seasons one by one from the beginning as they're released on DVD.


Walter DiCastro

Hockey Returns

I'm glad the owners and players were able to stop this pointless and bloody deadlock and put it back on the ice where it belongs.


Nancy Armistead

Airline Bankruptcy

With Northwest and Delta airlines filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, more than half of U.S flights will be made by bankrupt carriers. What do you think?

Is there anything sadder than a huge, faceless corporation going through hard financial troubles?


Marcus Clevinger

Airline Bankruptcy

And our government isn't bailing them out? Why does Bush hate big business so much?


Niles Burnham

Airline Bankruptcy

This could be the wake-up call the major airlines need to quit focusing so much on customer needs and pay some more attention to generating revenue.


Kalil Ngyue

Rising Luxury-Goods Sales

Sales of luxury goods are booming despite a period of near-stagnation in the American economy. What do you think?

Hooray! This means I won't lose my shitty job mopping out toilets at the custom Learjet factory!


Arnold Featherston

Rising Luxury-Goods Sales

Dammit, I really thought the Italian sports car bubble was finally going to burst this year.


Barbara Montenegro

Rising Luxury-Goods Sales

Millionaires are spending more on pampering themselves? Thank God that, even in the midst of all these crises in Iraq and the Gulf Coast, there's still some good news to read about.


Louise Welker

American Teens, French Sex

According to several recent studies, as many as two-thirds of American teens claim to have regular oral sex. What do you think?

Well, you know what they say… Oral sex is the gateway to wanting oral sex for the rest of your life.


Mike Kampmann

American Teens, French Sex

What's the angle here? Alarmist or sexy? Because I could go either way.


Bernard Adamson

American Teens, French Sex

One study quoted several kids as saying they don't even consider oral sex to be 'sex,' but merely a fun thing to do while hanging out with your friends. How come it just sounds creepy when I say it?


Guy Clemmons

Face Transplants

The Cleveland Clinic has begun interviewing candidates for the world's first face transplant. What do you think?

Is this strictly for disfigurement victims, or can I turn my trophy wife into a hot Asian chick if I feel like it?


Kim Kovacs

Face Transplants

Finally, I will have the face of my baboon heart's desire.


Parker Knowleton

Face Transplants

Say goodbye to the old world, where you were limited to just one face on the boring old front of your head.


Tobias Seifert

Kate Moss In Trouble

Kate Moss lost her contracts from H&M;, Burberry, and Chanel last week when a London tabloid published photos of the supermodel doing cocaine. What do you think?

We should not rush to judgment. How do we know it was Kate Moss in that photo, and not one of the millions of young women who've been pressured by the media into looking exactly like her?


Suzanne Herdinger

Kate Moss In Trouble

It reminds me of the time that I was never asked to be the face of Lancome cosmetics because I was too ugly.


Tim Geraldi

Kate Moss In Trouble

She was using it medicinally. It's the only thing that can make her expression change.


Judith Halverson

Cigarette Moderation Still Kills

A new study shows that smoking as little as one cigarette a day can still triple heart-disease risks. What do you think?

That's okay, because I only smoke one cigarette a night with a glass of red wine.


Kyle DeHart

Cigarette Moderation Still Kills

Well, luckily for me, risk turns chicks on.


Andrew Lentz

Cigarette Moderation Still Kills

Oh crap! That means my heart-disease risk is 560 times higher than a non-smoker?


Todd Eldridge

Tom DeLay Steps Down

Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX) was recently indicted on charges of conspiracy in a campaign-financing scheme, and forced to temporarily step down as House majority leader. What do you think?

They'll never make those charges stick! No jail can hold Tom DeLay!


Andy Rocco

Tom DeLay Steps Down

My prayers are with the poor, leaderless House Republican majority tonight.


Kathy Ross

Tom DeLay Steps Down

I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but it seems like absolute power might have some effect on people.


John Benito

Gay Clergyman

The Vatican has announced that it will prevent homosexuals from entering the priesthood. What do you think?


Chris Dellinger

Gay Clergyman

I heard they're also doing away with Barry, the patron saint of neatly groomed mustaches.


Casey Lincoln

Gay Clergyman

So…They're just going to promote them all to bishop?


Shelly Caron

Cheney's Aneurysms

Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering after having aneurysms removed from the back of both his knees. What do you think?

I guess that's good, but you have to admit it would be fun to watch Cheney's knees blow out during a press conference.


Arthur Kaline

Cheney's Aneurysms

That's only because Mr. Cheney has the money to afford the best health-care system in the world.


Bart Nunn

Cheney's Aneurysms

Look, let's quit pussyfooting around and postponing the inevitable and just put Cheney into the full Darth Vader life-support suit right now.


Harvey Ulrich

IRA Disarmament

The Irish Republican Army, working with an independent international commission, claims to have destroyed all its weapons stockpiles. What do you think?

I knew that Guns For Guinness trade-in program would work where so many other attempts had failed.


May Voyle

IRA Disarmament

Finally, the Protestants and Catholics have found a common ground to bring them together. Now, if only they could team up to do something about all those filthy stinking Irishmen.


John O'Donohu

IRA Disarmament

Well, it's just as well. Political terrorism isn't as sexy as it was in the '80s.


Hailey Woodruff

Violent Crime At 30-Year Low

Statistics indicate that the violent-crime rate in the U.S. is at its lowest point in 30 years. What do you think?

Violent crime is down largely due to the use of tasers, which when used properly, are considered not violent, but 'humorous' crimes.


Richard Comstock

Violent Crime At 30-Year Low

It's no wonder. With the unattainable standards set by violence in the media, no one wants to try to compete.


Jackson Crow

Violent Crime At 30-Year Low

As much as I'd like to contest this new statistic, it's just not worth being tried for 426 counts of murder.


Stanley Walling

Anna Nicole And The Supreme Court

The Supreme Court of the United States has agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's inheritance case. What do you think?

Putting Anna Nicole Smith in a room with eight rich, powerful, lascivious old men doesn't sound like the best idea.


Jack Dreyer

Anna Nicole And The Supreme Court

I hope this doesn't send the wrong message to the new chief justice that the Supreme Court is all about fun.


Casey Arrington

Anna Nicole And The Supreme Court

Finally, something in the Supreme Court that affects me!


Lynn Ronaldt

WTC Freedom Center Canceled

New York Governor George Pataki has canceled plans for the Freedom Center museum at ground zero, saying it was the cause of too much controversy. What do you think?

It's nice to know that Americans can once again unite behind not doing something after 9/11.


Hoke Redfield

WTC Freedom Center Canceled

If people listened to my idea for the Freedom Center design, we'd already have this thing built and balanced on the Statue of Liberty's torch with the hot tub all warmed up.


Paul Grangeford

WTC Freedom Center Canceled

You've got to admit, this proposed center's focus on 'freedom' does sound pretty controversial.


Gene Busby

Portable Video Devices

Portable DVD players and multiple-function devices such as Sony's PSP and Nokia's N-Gage are making it possible to watch pre-recorded video anywhere. What do you think?

Just what I need: a way to take my living room with me on the few occasions that I actually leave it.


Hannah Bell

Portable Video Devices

At last, Americans can watch TV all day long and still maintain the active and outdoorsy lifestyle they've always theoretically wanted!


Clay Mannfield

Portable Video Devices

Now I finally have something to do on the long walk from my parking space to the theater.


Jack Albert

Online Poaching

Illegal online sales of endangered animal and plant species are becoming problematic, as they are both lucrative and difficult to regulate. What do you think?

Tell me about it. Just last week, I purchased a majestic lowland gorilla off eBay, and the thing's turning out to be a real son of a bitch to take care of.


Crissy Gray

Online Poaching

Most of those 'rare species' dealers are scams anyhow. My so-called 'panda' turned out to be a heavily spray-painted sheepdog.


James Mills

Online Poaching

First they crack down on mail-order brides, now this! Doesn't anyone understand how unbelievably lonely I am?


Samantha Frank

Iraq War Vets With PTSD

Thousands of Iraq war veterans with post-traumatic stress disorder say the U.S. Army isn't providing them with adequate treatment. What do you think?

Well, if you think post-traumatic stress is a problem for American soldiers, you should check out how it affects the Iraqi citizens. Some of these guys are going out of their minds.


Dean Reagan Fuller

Iraq War Vets With PTSD

I know combat-stressed vets have been involved in a few embarrassing incidents recently, but it's nothing that can't be blamed on video games.


Fulton Lott

Iraq War Vets With PTSD

Listen, I served two tours. War changes people, but it's not the kind of thing that DOWN! GET THE FUCK DOWN! REBELS ON THE RIDGELINE! TAKE COVER BEHIND THE OLIVE GARDEN!


Gerald Leslie

The FBI And Pot

The FBI is considering relaxing their strict standards for past marijuana use among prospective agents. What do you think?

I think it's a good change. The FBI should be open to considering applicants who attended college at some point in their past.


Craig Lefferts

The FBI And Pot

As long as the FBI sticks to its '3 Strikes And You're Out' policy on masturbation, their reputation will remain intact.


Theresa Spillman

The FBI And Pot

What's next? Allowing drunks to join the police?


Gwendolyn Wyche

First Female Chancellor Of Germany

The Christian Democrat Party's Angela Merkel has been elected chancellor of Germany, the first woman to hold that post. What do you think?

Is this some trick to make me care about the Germans? Because I guarantee you, it's not working.


August Wojcizk

First Female Chancellor Of Germany

A woman chancellor of Germany? What's next, an American TV show featuring a woman president?


Horace Wirt

First Female Chancellor Of Germany

The question remains: Will the people of Germany obey her? If she wears a black leather uniform and slaps a riding crop against the side of her leg, I believe they will.


Landon Miles

Harriet Miers Nomination

Bush's Supreme Court nomination of Harriet Miers, his longtime associate and current White House counsel, continues to draw criticism. What do you think?

It just goes to show that, in America, anybody can grow up to be a lavishly rewarded sycophant of the president.


Anna Green

Harriet Miers Nomination

Hey, the president has to go with who he knows, and apparently he was too busy Hoovering up Bolivian marching powder in his Ivy League schools to make any valuable contacts there.


Bruce Jacoby

Harriet Miers Nomination

We should all just feel grateful that Bush apparently doesn't have a favorite TV show that features any lawyers.


Gerald Huppmann

Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat

A televised conversation between President Bush and American and Iraqi troops that was originally presented as a candid chat turned out to be carefully scripted to address Bush's goals for the war and the new Iraqi constitution. What do you think?

This would be a major problem for the president if anybody cared anymore about whether or not the things he did were fake.


Rainey Milford

Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat

Oh, so that explains the part where the Islamic fundamentalist ran in with a bomb and was single-handedly subdued by the president.


Sean Guidry

Bush's Not-So-Candid Chat

It just shows that he cares enough to pretend to like the troops. That should be worth something.


Allison Wrightman

L.A. Catholic Priest Scandal

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles released records showing that known child-molesting priests were often allowed to continue practicing their ministry, or simply transferred to other parishes in the diocese. What do you think?

These priests really need to read the entirety of St. Augustine's Confessions and not just the sex parts.


Francis Colman

L.A. Catholic Priest Scandal

That would explain the unusually high Sunday school grades that have been handed out over the last 30 years.


Evan Swaney

L.A. Catholic Priest Scandal

Well, it's like Jesus said: 'Whenever two men come together as one all over an altar boy's back in My name, there is My Church.'


Ralph Gorecki

Blacks Disapprove Of Bush

Polls conducted by NBC have Bush's approval rating with African-Americans at 2 percent with a 2 percent margin of error. What do you think?

Still, Republican think tanks say Bush can easily turn his approval rating around if he would just take it to the rim more often, instead of always settling for mid-range jumpers.


Sigmund Halvermann

Blacks Disapprove Of Bush

Finally, a guy whose popularity among blacks is even lower than mine.


Sylvia Munsoon

Blacks Disapprove Of Bush

Bush is just lucky this isn't a real democracy, or else he'd be in trouble.


Rachel Briggs

Mardi Gras 2006?

Mardi Gras organizers in New Orleans promised that they will hold the celebration in February 2006 as planned, despite the destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina. What do you think?

Imagine: all the fun of Mardi Gras combined with all the logistical nightmares of Kevin Costner's Waterworld.


Alvin McMichaels

Mardi Gras 2006?

That sucks. You know how hard it is to get a chick to take off her dive mask, remove her rebreather, roll up her scuba suit, and show her tits?


Jensen Clymer

Mardi Gras 2006?

I don't know if I would go to it. I would have a hard time getting excited about mold-themed floats.


Dan Cloutier

The Chinese In Space

China's second manned space capsule just returned from orbit, paving the way for a future Chinese moon mission. What do you think?

This may solve China's overpopulation problem, two people and billions of dollars at a time.


Cassandra Hines

The Chinese In Space

I have a feeling that, as a culture, the Chinese are going to have a hard time making rockets that don't explode in beautiful geometric patterns.


Malcolm Glidden

The Chinese In Space

Finally, I won't have to rent movies like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hero in order to see the effects of weightlessness on Chinese people.


Phillip Gordon

Reading Incomprehension

Recent standardized-test scores show that, while American students' math scores are acceptable, their reading comprehension is unsatisfactory. What do you think?

Great, now I have to get my kid some reading DVDs.


Nicole Shustat

Reading Incomprehension

Well, of course reading's stagnated. Today's kids are single-series readers of either Harry Potter or the Bible, depending on the family.


Adrian Cole

Reading Incomprehension

Who needs to read when you're doing data entry for the Chinese?


Kelley Wyler

Personal Bankruptcy Laws

A new bankruptcy law went into effect last week, making it harder for consumers to clear their debts with Chapter 7 bankruptcy. What do you think?

If they didn't want to go bankrupt, people should have thought about that before deciding to pursue their dreams.


Don Rensalear

Personal Bankruptcy Laws

I'm sure that whatever happens, that man with question marks on his suit will be able to help.


Claude Connelloy

Personal Bankruptcy Laws

And just in time for the new restrictions to apply to the hurricane victims, too! Who said there's no such thing as miracles?


Francis Englund

Greenspan Retiring

After 18 years of service, Alan Greenspan is retiring as chairman of the Federal Reserve at the age of 79. What do you think?

He's irreplaceable. This Bernanke guy may be an anti-inflation fiscal conservative, but you just can't run the Fed if you've never screwed Ayn Rand.


William Oberst

Greenspan Retiring

I guess the crash-and-burn lifestyle of a 'chairman of the Federal Reserve' finally caught up with the guy.


Lily Putnam

Greenspan Retiring

Wow. He's quitting at the same time as the American economy.


Laurie Selmon

Brazil's Gun Ban Voted Down

Last week, the citizens of Brazil voted not to ban gun sales despite their nation having one of the world's highest murder rates. What do you think?

Good. Without a heavy dose of pain and sorrow, Brazilian music wouldn't be worth listening to.


Clark Loeffler

Brazil's Gun Ban Voted Down

Sometimes, being number one in the world in murder rates is better than not being number one in anything at all.


William Metz

Brazil's Gun Ban Voted Down

This bit of news will greatly aid in my stereotyping of Brazilians as not only a party-crazy, bikini-waxing people, but also as a gun-loving one.


Allison Basso

Harriet Miers Withdraws

Harriet Miers, President Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court, has withdrawn from consideration after almost universal opposition. What do you think?

At last, the conservatives in this country have scored a point against Bush's ultra-liberal judicial agenda.


Dane Healey

Harriet Miers Withdraws

Good. Now, on to the next crazy bastard!


Raul Fontana

Harriet Miers Withdraws

See what Republicans and Democrats can accomplish when they work together to publicly humiliate an old lady?


Walter Eisenberg

Lawsuit Over iPod Scratches

Apple has been threatened with class-action lawsuits claiming its new iPod nano scratches too easily. What do you think?

That's a good idea. You know, my Butterfinger came all broken today. Who do I sue, the store or the manufacturer?


Coral Simms

Lawsuit Over iPod Scratches

Because of scratches? Just scratches? This is what happens when those prissy-assed vinyl-record types start getting into digital music.


Sean Mulgrove

Lawsuit Over iPod Scratches

That's what happens when white people have access to the entire Public Enemy catalog at their fingertips.


Tasha Severson

FBI Probe Problems

Recent analysis of FBI documents indicates that the bureau has abused its powers of surveillance since Sept. 11th, 2001. What do you think?

When you have all that surveillance equipment at your disposal, it must drive you crazy to see it gathering dust on a shelf.


Alan Trask

FBI Probe Problems

How unlike the FBI to abuse the trust of the American public.


Chet Radavulic

FBI Probe Problems

Could I answer this question a little further from this gooseneck lamp and portrait of Reagan?


Bethany Daniels

Alito Nominated

President Bush nominated conservative Judge Samuel Alito as a replacement for Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. What do you think?

With all the recent distractions, I'm looking forward to when the Supreme Court can finally settle down and go back to handing out awful, awful rulings again.


Greg Brathwaite

Alito Nominated

So he's nicknamed 'Scalito' because of his similarity to Scalia. I see. Why were we all so against Miers, again?


Brad Vodak

Alito Nominated

When Alito is asked to state his full name before the confirmation hearings, he should say 'Harriet Miers.' Then after the entire audience finally stops laughing, he could say, 'No, seriously, it's Samuel A. Alito Jr.'


Chuck Erskine

Dems Force Closed Senate

Minority Leader Harry Reid called for a private Senate session Tuesday to demand an investigation into pre-war intelligence handling. What do you think?

I for one am shocked that the Democrats would attempt to have an effect on national politics.


Shane Jewel

Dems Force Closed Senate

If they do that too many more times, C-Span is sunk.


Rhonda Lennox

Dems Force Closed Senate

The Senate has far more important things to investigate than corruption in the highest levels of government.


Wendy Cole

Record Oil Prices, Record Oil Profits

In the face of record-high oil prices, oil companies made a record $35 billion in profits in the last financial quarter. What do you think?

As a big believer in 'trickle-down' economics, I know what a $35 billion profit boost means for me, the consumer: a free Atlanta Falcons travel mug with every fill-up.


Ben Hoagland

Record Oil Prices, Record Oil Profits

I don't know who to be angrier with: the oil magnates who continue to get richer while the rest of us struggle with day-to-day life, or the uppermost strata of our earth's core.


Harry Dawes

Record Oil Prices, Record Oil Profits

We need an incisive political cartoon to take these robber barons down a notch.


Matthew Gerety

Rioting Continues In Paris

The French police have taken 22 young people into custody after more than a week of riots in a northeastern suburb of Paris. What do you think?

This is the most exciting thing to happen in France since that red balloon got loose.


Megan Hallan

Rioting Continues In Paris

Well, it's nice to see that Muslim youths are for once turning to rioting and not terrorism.


Jordan Chase

Rioting Continues In Paris

How romantic! Idealistic peasant revolutionaries stealing loaves of bread! What? Angry black people blowing up cars? Wow, France sure has changed since I graduated high school.


Dan Woodruff

Top Al-Qaeda Escapee

It was recently announced that Omar al-Farouq, a top al-Qaeda operative, was among four prisoners to escape a U.S.-run prison in Afghanistan last July. What do you think?

You can't destroy al-Qaeda, you can only contain it. Oh, we can't do that either?


Maya Schultz

Top Al-Qaeda Escapee

If he came out of a stump on the other side of the fence, that's hilarious.


Ron Chapell

Top Al-Qaeda Escapee

Does this mean I should restock my duct tape?


Rebecca Nilsen

White House Ethics Class

In order to restore integrity to the image-damaged White House, President Bush is ordering his staff to take an ethics refresher course. What do you think?

Cool. I hear Rove only needs one more humanities credit to get his degree anyway.


Otis Reilly

White House Ethics Class

I think that Bush should have stayed the course and not let outside influences force his team to become ethical at this point in the game.


Jason Said

White House Ethics Class

Hold on… Are they taking ethics classes? Or sending them to ethics fantasy camp?


Joan Novak

U.S. Immigration Fence?

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What do you think?

Can it be a 2,000-mile-long picket fence? That would at least look nice and seem neighborly.


Luke Hurley

U.S. Immigration Fence?

Building a fence along the border is a great way to keep fat, out-of-shape Mexicans out of our country.


Curtis Boyd

U.S. Immigration Fence?

$8 billion?! I know some day laborers that could put up that fence for under 60 bucks as long as you don't tell them what it's for.


Anna Lyndon

Bush To Veto Torture Ban?

The Senate recently approved a ban on torture with a 90-9 vote, but the White House is threatening to veto the bill. What do you think?

I never know when the White House is kidding anymore.


Joseph Teague

Bush To Veto Torture Ban?

Unless these enemies of the United States are captured, made really angry and resentful through embarrassing torture, then released, we will never stop terrorism.


Ian Bricke

Bush To Veto Torture Ban?

Perhaps they could do what they always do and just torture people anyway, then let the pictures tell the success story.


Steve Morton

Intelligent Design Ousted

Voters in Dover, PA voted out eight school board members who supported an intelligent-design statement being read in biology class. What do you think?

Yeah, but check out who they replaced them with… an 18-year-old politics nerd and a local drag queen who's always running for office.


Peggy Ramone

Intelligent Design Ousted

I feel kind of bad for them. Where can they be ignorant and influential now?


Christopher Osburn

Intelligent Design Ousted

Splendid! Now the only authorities left who subscribe to these wacko theories are safely contained in the highest echelons of executive, legislative, and judicial government.


Donald Lombardi

Montana Bison Hunt

The three-month bison-hunting season opens in Montana today, marking the first open season in the state in 15 years. What do you think?

Well, I know where Ted Nugent's going to be this weekend.


Marie Russell-Kendrick

Montana Bison Hunt

Now how about cutting down some of the trees that have begun to wander outside of Yellowstone National Park?


Ted Hicks

Montana Bison Hunt

The only thing more thrilling than hunting an animal to the brink of extinction is hunting an animal to the brink of extinction, letting it come back from the brink just slightly, and then starting to hunt it again.


Michelle Halley

New Medicare Plan

Criticized as needlessly confusing, the new Medicare prescription-drug program, Medicare Part D, went into effect this week. What do you think?

I've gone through all the paperwork at least 10 times, but no matter how I fill it out, I always end up on page 35M5, Line 18, which just says 'Fuck You, Grandma.'


Cameron Feng

New Medicare Plan

Does this cover the dog's pills? Because those are the ones I take.


Ben Chisholm

New Medicare Plan

The new Medicare plan is far too difficult to make sense of, which is why I have chosen to die earlier than I had initially planned.


Clive Teplitski

Alcohol Awareness Class

Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think?

Sure, I'm sober now, but I will never, ever be able to take back that disparaging Sigur Rós comment I put on my blog. Oh, time's remorseless arrow!


Robert Low

Alcohol Awareness Class

I thought that was what the occasional death of a fraternity pledge is for.


Kathy Pickett

Alcohol Awareness Class

You know, there's very little of this bullshit at my son's trade school.


Sonja Kelly

TV Downloads On AOL

In order to boost available content, America Online is preparing to offer downloads of old television programs like Welcome Back, Kotter and Chico And The Man. What do you think?

Finally, the computer reaches its true potential: It's a television!


Jeremy Watson

TV Downloads On AOL

This really fills the void in the nostalgia market left by Nick At Nite, TV Land, Hallmark Channel, SOAPnet, Lifetime, Lifetime Real Women, Oxygen, Boomerang, WGN, GSN, TBS, WB, USA, and VH1.


Jesse Glass

TV Downloads On AOL

Ah, the memories. Nothing says 'My parents are getting divorced' like the Kotter theme song.


Adam Nelson

White House On Offensive

In response to mounting criticism toward the handling of the war, as well as the accusations of pre-war intelligence manipulation, the White House has come out swinging at the Democrats. What do you think?

I'm glad to see that this administration is finally starting to stand up for itself.


Elizabeth McNamara

White House On Offensive

I don't know, but it sure shut everyone in the press room up when McClellan shot that guy from the Times.


Frank Whitley

White House On Offensive

Being a terrible president is hard work.


Mark Osborne

FEMA Cuts Off Evacuees

FEMA recently announced that, at the end of the month, they will to stop paying for hurricane evacuees' hotel rooms. What do you think?

Well, yeah. They've had, what, eight or nine weeks to build new houses?


Sarah King

FEMA Cuts Off Evacuees

Those poor people have been through enough trauma without having to deal with the stigma of being kicked out of a hotel room—which I, as a former Van Halen groupie, can empathize with on a very deep level.


Jim Fessler

FEMA Cuts Off Evacuees

Why is everyone focusing on the negatives instead of how quickly and efficiently FEMA evacuated everyone from their hotel rooms?


Michelle Halley

A Raise For Congress

Prior to leaving for a two-week break, Congress approved another pay raise for itself. What do you think?

Good. That extra $3,000 a year will help keep them away from the less-important bribes.


Jeremy Watson

A Raise For Congress

Ordinarily I'd get upset by this, but due to the new amendments added to the Patriot Act last week, I no longer have the constitutional right to do so.


Rex Byers

A Raise For Congress

Now Dennis Hastert can put a down payment on that little home he's had his eye on for so long…mine.


Cameron Feng

Sony Recalls Risky CDs

Sony was forced to recall 4.7 million CDs this month because the copyright-protection software embedded on the discs left computers prone to hacker attacks. What do you think?

This won't be the first time I got a virus from that Sarah McLachlan.


Jesse Glass

Sony Recalls Risky CDs

I've been downloading bootleg MP3s for nearly three years and the first CD I buy fucks up my computer?


Sonja Kelly

Sony Recalls Risky CDs

I've always known that one day, Sony's unblinking commitment to artist's rights would come back to bite them in the ass.


Myra Koh

Tookie" To Be Executed?"

Crips founder, children's book author, and anti-gang activist Stanley "Tookie"" Williams is scheduled for execution next week unless granted clemency by Gov. Schwarzenegger. What do you think?"

If you saw the spotless highway the Crips adopted, you might change your attitude about this man.


Frank Whitley

Tookie" To Be Executed?"

This should serve as an example to our justice system to kill people before they have a chance to present us with this sort of moral dilemma.


Fred Croft

Tookie" To Be Executed?"

I'm all for it, but can it be a drive-by lethal injection?


Nate Hare

Bush Targeted Al-Jazeera?

According to a leaked memo, President Bush talked about targeting the headquarters of Arabic news station Al-Jazeera in a meeting with Tony Blair in 2004. What do you think?

What, don't we have perfectly good TV stations to bomb right here in America?


Edna Donn

Bush Targeted Al-Jazeera?

God… Okay, so the president of the United States has to watch every single word he says now?


Geoffrey Battle

Bush Targeted Al-Jazeera?

He did, but it wasn't for political reasons…Bush was upset because Al-Jazeera had canceled his favorite executions program.


Hugh Webb

Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts

Under an agreement with Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, the poor in Massachusetts will receive cheap heating oil this winter. What do you think?

Stupid Venezuelans! Don't they know the stuff's valuable?


Brenda Kruse

Our government should accept it and then turn around and sell it at a huge profit. In your face, Venezuelan president! And the poor!


Hank Augustine

I think the poor should do the right thing and snub Chavez's offer.


Megan Crawford

Museums Raided Tombs?

Thousands of artifacts that have been taken from tombs around the world often make their way to prestigious museums. What do you think?

Well, it would certainly explain the recent upsurge in mummy-curse-related murders at the Met.


Michael Dougan

Museums Raided Tombs?

That must be why Getty director Dr. Michael Brand was digging up my mom's corpse last week. It doesn't explain why he was fucking it, though.


Tyler Soria

Museums Raided Tombs?

Look, I'm a realist. I just don't believe in all this superstitious nonsense about 'archaeology' and 'museums.'


Geoff Nelson

EU Against Secret Prisons

The European Union is going to impose sanctions against member nations that cooperated with the U.S. CIA-run prisons. What do you think?

Are they going around accusing people of torture? I mean, apparently we torture people who say that shit.


Liam Ryan

EU Against Secret Prisons

It looks like maybe the CIA should return to its former purpose: toppling hostile governments. In this case, the EU.


Phoebe Plagens

EU Against Secret Prisons

So suddenly the fatherland of S&M has a problem with torture?


Kevin Wells

C-Sections On The Rise

Americans are delivering babies via Caesarean section in record numbers. What do you think?

These things are being overperformed. I went in for an appendectomy and came out with a healthy baby boy.


Brenda Kruse

C-Sections On The Rise

I took fertility drugs, became pregnant with quadruplets, had a C-section three months premature, and my babies were on respirators for four months. Why the fuck haven't I been asked to appear on Oprah?


Con McKay

C-Sections On The Rise

Wait, they normally push it out of where?


Chris Theile

Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail

Organized shoplifting gangs are posing a serious threat to retailers around the nation. What do you think?

These shoplifters are angry at the world, but when will they learn that a life of misdemeanor is not the solution?


Mike Medeiros

Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail

There's so many people in stores now. I don't trust any of them.


Emily Waller

Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail

I used to be part of a shoplifting gang in high school. My friend Ricky would break a dish and I would grab all the Pop Rocks I could while they were distracted. Then we would run out back and eat all the Pop Rocks at once! Man, I love Pop Rocks.


James Pelletier

Public Wants Troops Home

According to a recent poll, 52 percent of Americans want to withdraw troops from Iraq within the next 12 months. What do you think?

Sure, they say that now, but just wait until the troops have been back for a few weeks.


Allison Roberts

Public Wants Troops Home

That's intriguing, because 52 percent of me wants U.S. troops out of Iraq, too. Is the poll also, like me, 38 percent in support of the war and 10 percent unsure?


Ryan Heffernan

Public Wants Troops Home

Ridiculous. I, for one, support our efforts in Iraq, and so do the other gentlemen on the board of Trans-American Cheap Pine Box, Inc.


Marta Osburn

Narnia Targeted To Christians

The film adaptation of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, the first installment of the Chronicles Of Narnia series, is being marketed strongly to a Christian audience. What do you think?

Do they realize this movie is all about people coming out of closets?


Harry Sousa

Narnia Targeted To Christians

It's high time we Christians fought back against those Hollywood elitists with our own movie about sorcery and witchcraft.


Cody Slaughter

Narnia Targeted To Christians

Instead, they should market King Kong to Christians. Wouldn't it be awesome if Jesus were an enormous, rampaging ape?


Jesse Robbins

Lennon, 25 Years Gone

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. What do you think?

I can't believe it's been 25 years already. It seems like only yesterday that Lennon was dead for nine years.


Nate McConarty

Lennon, 25 Years Gone

It's too bad he couldn't live to see himself in an ad for Apple.


Phoebe Plagens

Lennon, 25 Years Gone

Damn. Now there's going to be another special edition of Catcher In the Rye, and I'll have to get this one, too.


Kathryn Reynolds

9/11 Commission Let Down

In their final report, the 9/11 Commission said they were disappointed by the government response to their recommendations. What do you think?

We responded to 9/11 already, remember? Iraq?


Walter Murphy

9/11 Commission Let Down

Don't these people have anything better to do than look at facts, see massive problems, and then make suggestions based on those facts?


Mark Lee

9/11 Commission Let Down

Tell me about it. I've been sending the government a list of recommendations about once a week for the last eight years, and all I get is periodic visits from the FBI.


Tom DiMenna

British Recognize Gay Unions

Gay "civil partnerships"" will be legally recognized in Great Britain later this month. What do you think?"

I'm already yelling supportive remarks at likely gays I see.


Karla Strahl

British Recognize Gay Unions

Finally, Dame Edna has no more excuses not to buy me a ring! Do you hear me, Dame Edna?! I want a June wedding!


Yang Miller

British Recognize Gay Unions

And the U.S. loses another ally from the closet of the willing.


Bill Parker

Patriot Act Renewed

The House and Senate have reached a deal to re-authorize the Patriot Act. What do you think?

Dammit! I'm never going to be able to check that falafel cookbook out of the library.


Mary Alice Cornog

Patriot Act Renewed

It's about time they did something to stop all the out-of-control patriotism in this country.


Matt Morreti

Patriot Act Renewed

I'd really like to tell this damn government what I think, but thanks to the Patriot Act, they already know.


Donovan Driscoll

ID Critic Beaten

Professor Paul Mirecki, head of the University of Kansas' Religious Studies Department, was severely beaten recently by individuals who objected to his views against intelligent design. What do you think?

That'll teach him the difference between man and apes. Wait—no it won't.


Michael Downing

ID Critic Beaten

That's okay, I guess, but what I'd really like to do is punch Charles Darwin in the face.


Shelby Graham

ID Critic Beaten

It's too bad that professor got beaten… Sounds like that course would have been an easy A.


Jack Dutronc

Iraqis Head To Polls

Iraqi parliament elections are occurring today. What do you think?

It's got to be weird to take into account qualities such as 'least flammable' when voting for a candidate.


John Halliday

Iraqis Head To Polls

Can't we just skip the middleman and have the Supreme Court choose the winner now?


Francis Hardy

Iraqis Head To Polls

It's a good thing the elections didn't happen a year or two ago—having 30,000 fewer voters will make the ballot count a lot easier.


Edie Shaw

Race Riots In Australia

This week saw race riots raging around Sydney, Australia, after white supremacists stormed the beaches and beat suspected Arabs. What do you think?

Even more shocking is that, in Australia, the whirlwind of racially charged violence spins the opposite direction.


Gary Burger

Race Riots In Australia

I can see why white Australians are so angry at the immigrants. Look what happened to the Aborigines when the first wave of immigrants came to the island.


David Day

Race Riots In Australia

Riot? Let's not be overdramatic. They were white kids. It's called a demonstration.


Kelly Neese

Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's controversial gay cowboy film, is generating Oscar buzz. What do you think?

I'm not sure I understand what all the hubbub is about. Wait, one of them isn't black, is he?


Gary Alexander

Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

It's just sick, really. I'm taking my family to the movie where the lady cock-teases that gorilla.


Sean Byrne

Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

I'm sorry, but you couldn't pay me to see a movie about love.


Thomas Bayard

Howard Stern Leaves The Air

Howard Stern's last show on conventional radio aired last Friday, as he will make the jump to Sirius Satellite Radio in early 2006. What do you think?

Without the FCC censoring him, I bet we'll really hear some farting now!


Wanda Gresham

Howard Stern Leaves The Air

Aw, I dunno… I think all the swearing and overt sexual stuff will hurt Howard's charm. Look what happened to Steve Allen.


Richard Olney

Howard Stern Leaves The Air

I thought he was the king of all media—what's he doing on some loser space radio thing?


Denise Benzler

Michael Schiavo Starts PAC

Michael Schiavo, husband of the late Terri Schiavo, is starting a political action committee that will challenge candidates based on where they stand on government's reach in private lives. What do you think?

Nice to see that a Schiavo is being persistent about something other than their vegetative state.


George Henry

Michael Schiavo Starts PAC

Like we need another organization looking out for the little guy. Thanks, but no thanks.


Andrew Lederer

Michael Schiavo Starts PAC

It's going to be an uphill battle, but if there's anyone used to seeing little to no progress, it's Michael Schiavo.


Babette Layton

Congress' Pre-Christmas Cuts

The House recently voted to cut $1.6 billion in social-program spending right before Christmas. What do you think?

Well, isn't this in keeping with the true spirit of Congress?


Nick Cardy

Congress' Pre-Christmas Cuts

Christmas is a time for fellowship and good will towards men, not a lot of negativity about who is or isn't able to afford food or heat.


Mike Royer

Congress' Pre-Christmas Cuts

Geez, you people are never happy. If the House voted to cut $1.6 billion in social programs in the late spring, you would say they were ruining people's summer.


Tim Struble

Killer Asteroid In 2036?

Apopohis, an asteroid that measures over a quarter-mile wide, may be on course to hit Earth with the force of 100,000 Hiroshima-sized atomic blasts in 2036. What do you think?

Boy, that's a really long time to scream my head off in terror…but here goes.


Jeff Leyda

Killer Asteroid In 2036?

I hear a mission is being planned to intercept and destroy the asteroid. All I can say is: not with my tax dollars.


Tanya Hillington

Killer Asteroid In 2036?

This sounds like something that would have to be co-managed by NASA and FEMA. God help us all.


Rory Simpson

Bin Laden Not In Control?

According to the U.S. envoy to Pakistan, Osama bin Laden may no longer be in control of al-Qaeda. What do you think?

We won! Without bin Laden, there's no possible way that terrorism can continue!


Rebecca Morgan

Bin Laden Not In Control?

I don't think bin Laden ever existed in the first place… He's just a story Islamic extremists tell their kids to explain where bombs come from.


Phil Dorgan

Bin Laden Not In Control?

Well, that would explain all the directionless suicide bombers blowing themselves up left and right lately.


Ken Wagner

Is Wikipedia Unreliable?

An incident in which a former Tennessee publisher was linked to the Kennedy assassination on Wikipedia has called the accuracy of the user-edited website into question. What do you think?

Well, I believe everything I read, but since I don't pay attention, no harm done.


Betsy Anderson

Is Wikipedia Unreliable?

This throws skepticism on all previous information I've received from Wikipedia! How can I now trust that acetic acid is in fact an organic compound best recognized for giving vinegar its sour taste and smell?


Sigmund Stern

Is Wikipedia Unreliable?

What does it say on Wikipedia about this?


Nick Del Mar

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?

A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway.


Jim Sclavanous

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?

I just want to stay on that bull for eight seconds. Eight goddamn seconds. Is that too much to ask?


Nicholas Knox

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?

Settle down, man. We're not even sure if Congress is going to approve funding for 2006 yet.


Miriam Bateman

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?

I hope they come out with a third, better Hilton sister.


William Linna

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?

I just want to spend quality time watching my baby grow up. Of course, I guess I'd have to impregnate some sort of woman first.


Kate Alexander

Hopes For 2006

What are your biggest hopes for 2006?

Next year? But…but I only just finished this one! When may I finally rest?


Matt Christian

U.S.-North Korea Relations

The U.S. is struggling to handle its relations with volatile, unpredictable North Korea. What do you think?

I'm not really the one to ask, as I have very little experience in diplomacy with hard-line communist nations.


Leslie Belanger

U.S.-North Korea Relations

We should say we have a magic flying house, and then when they say, 'Yeah, we do too,' we'll say, 'Gotcha! There's no such thing!' and they'll look like morons to the international community.


Nelson Owens

U.S.-North Korea Relations

The only thing the North Koreans understand is force. Well, that and Korean.


Francis Englund

Greenspan Retiring

After 18 years of service, Alan Greenspan is retiring as chairman of the Federal Reserve at the age of 79. What do you think?

He's irreplaceable. This Bernanke guy may be an anti-inflation fiscal conservative, but you just can't run the Fed if you've never screwed Ayn Rand.


William Oberst

Greenspan Retiring

I guess the crash-and-burn lifestyle of a 'chairman of the Federal Reserve' finally caught up with the guy.


Lily Putnam

Greenspan Retiring

Wow. He's quitting at the same time as the American economy.


Kelly Neese

Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

I'm not sure I understand what all the hubbub is about. Wait, one of them isn't black, is he?