Nathan Reynolds

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?

I realize passengers are concerned, but speaking as a pilot, there's no better place to drop acid than 40,000 feet in the air.


Martin Mattacks

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

There need to be more exhaustive pre-boarding security anal probes. In fact, forget the plane ride altogether.


Erick D'Alessio

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

I would like to see more entertaining in-flight movies and fewer mid-air explosive decapitations.


Rosalie Thalacker

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

I hate being aboard a plane during a terrorist hijacking, but when I have to be, I chew delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Gum.


Marianne Sirota

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

It stinks that all flights are now non-smoking, but I can usually get away with blowing the smoke out the gaping rusted holes in the plane's fuselage.


Steven Lastrom

The Not-So-Friendly Skies


Herb Leuchtenberg

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?

Life on Mars? That's nothing—you should see the hideous lifeform that just fell out of my wife.


Oliver Teufel

Is There Life on Mars?

As a 15th century peasant, I am frightened by this news. I must now go read Scripture by the light of a burning witch.


Karyn Orosco

Is There Life on Mars?

Perhaps now we'll find that men truly are from Mars—and that women are from Venus.


James Santos

Is There Life on Mars?

Earthman! You have violated the intergalactic codes of the Funk! I wanna see y'all put your hands together and get on up for the Mothership!


Patti Phelps

Is There Life on Mars?

Any educated person should know a meteor in Antarctica is no proof of Martian life. It can only be the passed gallstone of Guntuska, mighty All-Father of the Skies.


Tim Backman

Is There Life on Mars?

This is another sign that the end is nigh. That's as good a reason as any to pork my cousin.


James Raneiri

Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?

At schools like the Citadel, boys are turned into identityless drones devoid of any emotions save hate and slavish obedience. I'd say that's an opportunity no young girl would be able to resist.


Stacy Posner

Military Academies Under Fire

If these all-male schools are anything like Chippendales' sizzling all-male revue, I want in. Oh, those buns!


Jesse DuMond

Military Academies Under Fire

I attend an all-male school, and I agree wholeheartedly that women should be allowed to attend. I'm sick of fucking my sock.


Oliver Ralston

Military Academies Under Fire

As the first black to attend the University of Mississippi, I applaud these women's efforts. I also recommend playing dead when being beaten by an angry, bat-wielding mob.


Kenny Long

Military Academies Under Fire

With all those pretty girls around, how are cadets supposed to pay attention to the three Rs of military education: Readin', Ritin' and Rectal Rape?


Kathryn Heller

Military Academies Under Fire

What if they held a military academy and nobody came? Think about it.


Gregg Hillard

A Heroin Experience

With studies indicating that its use is greatly on the rise, heroin has been the focus of much attention lately, featured prominently in the film Trainspotting and on the cover of Time magazine. What do you think of this so-called "drug of the '90s""?"

Heroin's a beautiful thing, man. It's like the first four seasons of Full House all at once.


Gene Braddock

A Heroin Experience

There's nothing like the rush you get when that needle hits your vein, man. Absolutely nothing. I'm so glad I gave up drugs for knitting.


Stephen Algenio

A Heroin Experience

I've never tried heroin, but I used to be hooked on opium suppositories. Everyday, four or five of those. Okay, I guess there was no opium in them.


Ira Purdle

A Heroin Experience

I'll tell you who my heroine is. That's right: Barbra Streisand.


Frances Halloran

A Heroin Experience

All my friends think it's 'cool' to do heroin. Well, call me old-fashioned, but I'm sticking with smokable crack cocaine.


Julie Weiner

A Heroin Experience

Huh…whazz… fuckin… mnnnorrr… I don't… w…monkey.


Duane Leary

Philip Morris Under Fire

With statistics showing teen smoking greatly on the rise, the federal government is taking aim at tobacco companies, proposing legislation limiting them to text-only ads in youth-oriented publications and banning cigarette billboards near public schools. What do you think?

I understand the dangers of teen smoking and all that stuff. That's why I make my kids smoke in the kitchen.


Dave Reiderer

Philip Morris Under Fire

I want to do what's right for my kid, but Timmy would miss his favorite Saturday morning Fox cartoon, FilterKing and the NicoTeens of the Cigaverse.


George Espinoza

Philip Morris Under Fire

People are too easily influenced by bright, flashy ad campaigns featuring cute characters like Joe Camel. Once, I freebased an entire bottle of Toilet Duck.


Laurie Goodson

Philip Morris Under Fire

Man, the next thing you know, you'll have to be 18 just to buy the damn things.


Emily Hastings

Philip Morris Under Fire

I think they should ban those Pringles ads with the guy dancing.


Jeff Biederman

Philip Morris Under Fire

No, we don't want teens to smoke. They're so lovable in their huge trousers and grubby shirts and bowl haircuts. No, we wouldn't want them to die horribly of lung cancer.


Duane Leary

The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Hey, I don't know about same-sex marriages, but I've been beggin' my wife for a some-sex marriage for years!


Dave Reiderer

The Gay Marriage Debate

Same-sex marriages are okay, as long as it's clear who drops the soap and who is the warden.


Georgette Phillips

The Gay Marriage Debate

I was in a gay affair once. Oh, how the champagne flowed! And the Nelson Riddle Orchestra, oh, they were simply divine!


Laurie Wilson

The Gay Marriage Debate

As a church-going lady, I must disapprove. Once two people of the same sex are married, they might start having relations.


Bill Hastings

The Gay Marriage Debate

I'm all for them. My next marriage will be to someone who likes to have the same kind of sex I have. The kind where you kiss my ding-dong.


Aaron Green

The Gay Marriage Debate

I was brought up to believe that same-sex marriage is fine, providing the people involved are father and son.


Dennis Pearson

The Great Wal-Mart of China

Wal-Mart recently opened its first store in China, bringing its wide selection and everyday low prices to a virtually untapped new market of more than one billion. What do you think about this American retail giant's invasion of the Far East?

Wal-Mart in China? Good idea! That will eliminate shipping costs from the manufacturer to the store.


Walt Huber

The Great Wal-Mart of China

I'd like to visit that store. Then I could see my wife before I buy her.


Leonore Kent

The Great Wal-Mart of China

As a fat Beijing housewife with nine children, I'm glad I'll finally have the chance to push a cart around a huge, fluorescent-lit store, just like I would in America.


Cheryl Coogan

The Great Wal-Mart of China

That explains why, when I tried to return a defective toaster oven recently, they told me I had to take it to their store in Wutan.


Kenny Post

The Great Wal-Mart of China

Hopefully, this will provide a better market for their poorly selling line of Sam's Choice Human Rights Abuses.


Peter Frankowicz

The Great Wal-Mart of China

As a cost-conscious Chinese peasant, I'm sticking with Sears. They've got the Kenmore-brand huts I'm looking for.


Laurence Grieg

Yeltsin's Failing Health

Russian President Boris Yeltsin's questionable physical condition has been the subject of much discussion lately, reaching a fever pitch with last week's announcement that he is too weak to undergo a heart operation. What do you think about his poor health?

My grandpa got sick and old and died. You don't think the same thing could happen to Yeltsin, do you?


Walt Huber

Yeltsin's Failing Health

Maybe the U.S. could send him some coloring books to cheer him up.


Cheryl Coogan

Yeltsin's Failing Health

The rising popularity of the Russian folk song, 'Where is Yeltsin? Is He In the Cupboard?' is indicative of these troubled times.


Bill Kent

Yeltsin's Failing Health

I only wish I'd responded to his letters and answered his calls. Now the poor man's dying of a broken heart.


Lenore Post

Yeltsin's Failing Health

As one of Russia's top physicians, I'd recommend Yeltsin reduce his beef intake to four giant helpings a day.


Peter Frankowicz

Yeltsin's Failing Health

USA! USA! Hey, if Yeltsin doesn't like it here, he can fuckin' move to Russia.


Leigh Orff

The First Wives Phenomenon

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?

First Wives? Bah! When is Time going to cover a real news story—like aliens invading the earth in a summer blockbuster? Now that would be news.


Eric Hoyer

The First Wives Phenomenon

I'm a rich, white male who has been married twice. Only, I didn't divorce my first wife. I beat her to death with a golf club.


Connie Hanson

The First Wives Phenomenon

When two people with a family divorce, they're not the only ones affected. Please don't forget about the pool cleaner.


John Kretchman

The First Wives Phenomenon

I don't understand what all the hubbub is about—Diane Keaton didn't even take off her shirt.


Bill Feller

The First Wives Phenomenon

I ain't seen the movie. But all the guys are talking about it down at the garage.


Melanie Kranz

The First Wives Phenomenon

When my husband left me, I became a member of the Columbia Music Club. Savings is the best revenge!


Otto Montville

Angels Among Us?

A recent poll revealed that 63 percent of Americans believe in the existence of angels. What do you think?

I was touched by an angel—last Saturday, on CBS.


Shannon Colavito

Angels Among Us?

I believed in angels until I met Mother Teresa—what a bitch.


Cory Hooper

Angels Among Us?

I believe my mother to be an angel. A perfect angel. I even stapled a little halo onto her head. I keep her in my basement.


Alan Dwyer

Angels Among Us?

My grandpa is an angel now, and he watches over my sister and brothers and me. Hi, my name is Jeffy, of Family Circus fame, and my creator, Bil Keane, is bat-shit insane.


Jim Tatum

Angels Among Us?

Innocent schoolgirl by day, high-priced hooker by night… How could you not believe in Angel?


Kathleen Foli

Angels Among Us?

I thought I saw an angel once, but it was just my husband in a druid's cloak masturbating to organ music.


Trish Rubin

The Magic Number

What is your favorite number?


Gene Pfeiffer

The Magic Number

What is your favorite number?

I have trouble deciding between 12 and 85, so I'll take their average and say 48.5.


Liz Schreiber

The Magic Number

What is your favorite number?

The cosine of 67 degrees, because that's the number I wore when I played football in high school.


Tanner Bilson

The Magic Number

What is your favorite number?

Sorry, I flunked math. But 'albedo' is my favorite meteorological term.


Art Dawes

The Magic Number

What is your favorite number?

I know it's trendy, but I'd have to say six.


George Reuschelm

The Magic Number

What is your favorite number?

I don't really have a favorite. Just so long as I'm counting, I'm happy.


Alison Landsman

Is Ellen Gay?

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?

Ellen DeGeneres? More like Ellen Degenerate, if you ask me!


Don Steffens

Is Ellen Gay?

I've suspected her character was gay ever since that episode where she ferociously ate out that secretary.


Kevin Byrne

Is Ellen Gay?

Thanks to Ellen and Melissa Etheridge, a valuable lesson has been learned: Gay people can be just as mediocre and untalented as straights.


Acker Bilk

Is Ellen Gay?

I think that whatever anyone does behind closed doors is his or her own business, unless the kangaroo's bleating keeps the neighbors up at night.


Kelly Howe

Is Ellen Gay?

Everybody here at the ABC women's rugby team knows Ellen quite well, and I can assure you there's no truth to those rumors.


Andy LaPointe

Is Ellen Gay?

Forget Ellen—have you heard the rumor that that guy on Martin is a colored?


Ned Branforth

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?

Now that Clinton has been re-elected, we as a nation will get to find out if Chelsea blossoms into a beautiful piece of ass.


Wally Givens

Clinton: Part 2

Under Clinton's leadership, I hope to advance to the soft-serve machine.


Alyson Blum

Clinton: Part 2

Whatever happens in the next four years, it can't possibly be worse than it was under that clown Clinton.


Eileen Putnam

Clinton: Part 2

Now that Clinton is in the White House, I look forward to four years of health care reform, gays in the military and, at last, renewed racial harmony. Go Clinton!


Ed Vallely

Clinton: Part 2

You never know what tomorrow will bring, so you just have to put on a smile, keep your chin to the wind and hide your heroin in a balloon in your butthole.


Jorge Bellson

Clinton: Part 2

I only hope that Clinton remembers the children.


Ellen Quinlan

Captivated By Carolyn

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's being called "the new Jackie Kennedy""?"

Carolyn is so beautiful. She must, like, go to Glamour Shots every day.


Jerry McInnis

Captivated By Carolyn

President Lincoln's son, John F. Lincoln Jr., married a girl named Mary Bessette. They ended up getting killed on a steamboat. Beware, I say!


Roger Thewlkes

Captivated By Carolyn

Sure, she's got the poise, the grace and the looks, but how good is she at catching chunks of her husband's brains in the back of a speeding convertible?


Christine Girolamo

Captivated By Carolyn

I love her! In fact, I just finished reading her new autobiography, I Am A Spoiled, Privileged, Vacuous Human Barbie Doll.


Sean Singleton

Captivated By Carolyn

What an elegant, glamorous woman. That JFK Jr. sure did pick an amazing lady to lose his virginity to.


Ted O'Brien

Captivated By Carolyn

Finally, America has a clearly defined alpha male and alpha female to defer to. I'm so relieved!


Caroline Murphy

Space Jammed

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate giants like Nike and McDonald's—has been criticized by some for its overt commerciality. What do you think of the movie?

Space Jam? Bah! I prefer more enlightened, intellectual fare. That's why I plan to see the new Roman Polanski film, Night and the Archbishop, featuring Chilly Willy.


Gerald Boucher

Space Jammed

Bugs Bunny is a priceless piece of Americana. That's why when Space Jam premieres, I'll be the first in line—burning myself alive Buddhist-style in front of the theater.


Otto Richards

Space Jammed

I hope now I'll finally be able to find Chicago Bulls or Warner Brothers merchandise.


Charles Odomes

Space Jammed

I hear there's this one part in the movie where somebody gets bonked in the head.


Stephen Frey

Space Jammed

I can't wait to see Daffy and Taz on the big screen again. Bugs, I could do without, since he once sodomized me behind the log flume at Six Flags. He's much, much taller in person, you know.


Marianne Hustings

Space Jammed

See Space Jam in the theaters? No thanks. I'll wait to see it the way it was meant to be seen—on network TV, surrounded by commercials.


Julie Meyers

Medical Marijuana

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of doctors being allowed to legally prescribe the drug?

I am permitted to smoke dope because I have, like, the flu and shit.


Adam Feuerstein

Medical Marijuana

One time when I was sick, my dad gave me a big fattie, only it wasn't the kind you smoke.


Michael Hiller

Medical Marijuana

I am a Bay Area surgeon, and I recently pioneered a new open-heart surgery technique where a big bag of weed is dropped into the patient's open chest cavity. Results have been mixed.


Rajeev Thakker

Medical Marijuana

I'd never smoke weed if I had cancer, man. I might freak out and get all paranoid and be, like, 'Whoa! I've got cancer, man!'


Todd Pollack

Medical Marijuana

Now if my doctor could just prescribe me some pizza delivered to my place, I'd be fuckin' set.


Cristina Tendero

Medical Marijuana

I like to whip up a marijuana poultice and apply it to my muscles when they ache. I also pour heroin into some hot water for a dandy foot massage!


Jacob Warner

Rising Cable Rates

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do you think?

It's disappointing, but understandable. I mean, Welcome Back Kotter re-runs must be really expensive to air.


Albert Cahill

Rising Cable Rates

I hope they raise the rates. It makes me feel good to help a struggling media conglomerate get a little bit ahead.


Lauryn Hill

Rising Cable Rates

Cable rates, cigarette prices and liquor taxes are all going up this month. At this rate, the twins' baby food budget is gonna be cut in half.


Josias Manzanillo

Rising Cable Rates

With my satellite dish, I can get over 500 stations from around the world. Wanna watch Hart To Hart in German?


Tim Bergstrom

Rising Cable Rates

Did you see Sister Act II? I have—34 times.


Daphne London

Rising Cable Rates

If these rates keep going up, I might soon have to cut back on some channels, like STN—the Shiny Things Network.


Jill Wagner

Confederate Flag Controversy

South Carolina came under fire recently for flying the Confederate flag over its state capitol, and Georgia has been under pressure for several years to remove the image from its state flag. What do you think of the continued use of this Civil War symbol?

If you remove the Confederate symbol from the Georgia state flag, you only give it more power. Like when they took the Swastika off the New Hampshire flag.


Jerome Vickers

Confederate Flag Controversy

Dixie flags went out a long time ago. Now my dorm room has a huge Pantera flag with a big fuckin' bud on it.


Louis Reinhard

Confederate Flag Controversy

I once saw a stripper who wore a Confederate flag. But not for long…


Ivan DeJesus

Confederate Flag Controversy

Why can't people see both sides of this slavery issue?


Pete Pappas

Confederate Flag Controversy

I think the Confederate flag is pretty. It has nothing to do with slavery or prejudice or any of that stuff. Although I do hate blacks.


Colleen Dawes

Confederate Flag Controversy

Ah don' know nuthin' about no flag, but looky at this here dress I done cut from a flour sack!


Evelyn Boucai

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the mid-1960s. What do you think of the surprising statistics?

I guess the murderers are finally realizing it's about quality, not quantity.


Roger Gifford

Murder Down In The Big Apple

I'm baffled. In 1996, I killed twice as many people as usual, and still this decline. Someone's not pulling their weight.


Don Auletta

Murder Down In The Big Apple

I heard that the New York murder rate was under 1,000, but once I get that backstage pass to Rent, it should be up to 1,045.


Mitch Dubin

Murder Down In The Big Apple

The murder rate is plummeting as people over the age of 75 continue to die. No, wait—that's Murder She Wrote ratings.


Sima Storch

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Does this number include the countless murders that were committed against helpless fetuses in my womb? If not, add three more for '96.


Stan Pagiavlas

Murder Down In The Big Apple

Hmm… New York City's murder rate is down. So how is the Internet helping to shape our view of this important phenomenon? Hi, I'm Time magazine editor Walter Isaacson.


Sandra Gregorian

Right-to-Die Controversy

Right-to-die has been a hot issue of late, with both pro- and anti-right-to-die forces holding large demonstrations across the U.S. What do you think of physician-assisted suicide?

I believe I have the right to die. I also believe I have the right to say: 'I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.'


Oliver Mielecki

Right-to-Die Controversy

Everyone has a right to die. Especially all those people I'm planning to stab to death.


Wayne Buice

Right-to-Die Controversy

My poor mother broke her leg last May, and we had no choice but to put her down.


Theo Crawford

Right-to-Die Controversy

If right-to-die legislation had been passed years ago, think of all that would have been lost—like the last two seasons of The Golden Girls.


Nancy Rivers

Right-to-Die Controversy

Apple, pecan, cherry. I think every person has the right to pie.


Matt Polan

Right-to-Die Controversy

If you're brain-dead and hooked up to life support, it doesn't matter if you die or not, just as long as you try your best. That's all anyone can ask.


Michael Offerman

The 2000 Elections

In the wake of President Clinton's second inauguration, talk has already begun to turn toward the Presidential Election of 2000. What do you think of the '00 Vote?

Who will lead the forces of Planet Earth in the coming Space Galaxy Wars of 2002? The answer is obvious: Lord Gore-Tron of the AstroForce!


Sandy Broward

The 2000 Elections

I don't know who'll win in 2000, but in this special classroom, we believe that everyone's a winner.


Charles Tingley

The 2000 Elections

It's definitely not too early to start discussing the 2000 elections. Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have a lunch date in 22 months.


Geoffrey Halloran

The 2000 Elections

We can talk and talk about who should be president, but I say we should just settle it with some kind of vote.


Sharon Jenner

The 2000 Elections

Who's the governor of Arkansas right now? Because with the way the last two elections have gone, I think I see a trend.


Ed Lefkowitz

The 2000 Elections

Prophecy says that in 2000, a beast shall come forth from the sea and its countenance shall be foul as that of dragons and upon its brow shall be the name of blasphemy. I'm voting for that fuckin' bad boy.


Michael Backman

Scientologists In Germany

The German government recently issued a series of crackdowns against members of the Church of Scientology, sparking numerous protests by big-name Hollywood stars. What do you think?

I'm usually very skeptical about issues of censorship, but the Germans seem to have pretty sound judgment in that area.


Nikki Wyler

Scientologists In Germany

Tragically, in Germany, Scientologist celebrities are allowed to attend only 75 gala premieres a year.


Kirstie Lattimore

Scientologists In Germany

I know how the Scientologists feel. For years, my people have been persecuted for our spiritual belief in magical 'pyramid schemes.'


Tad Gregory

Scientologists In Germany

I think if Germany and Scientology could just sit down and get to know each other, they'd find they're not as different as they think.


Jon Orson

Scientologists In Germany

I was persecuted in Germany. Not because I was a Scientologist, though. It was because I broke some shit.


Hal Manoogian

Scientologists In Germany

Scientologists are being persecuted, and it's an outrage! I had to say that, or they'll reveal I'm gay.


Military Hazing

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning"" new recruits

stabbing medals into their chests. What do you think?"

After being cruelly hazed at Fort Bragg, I was so emotionally shattered I could barely bomb Iraq.


Military Hazing

Hazing is an important part of joining any exclusive group. Why, you wouldn't believe the hazing you have to go through to get into the 'Nurses Buried In My Backyard' group.


Military Hazing

As the wife of a Marine, I think that hazing is understandable. Especially when I make bad meatloaf.


Military Hazing

Here in the U.S. Armed Forces, we're proud to say that today's mistreated recruits are tomorrow's sociopathic loners.


Military Hazing

I'm in the Army, and I've had my head held underwater in a toilet until almost drowning more times before 9 a.m. than most people do all day.


Military Hazing

I was tied down, whipped and penetrated anally by four young men. Military? No, I was never in the military, why do you ask?


Lynette Henke

Air Force Follies

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were two incidents in New Jersey last week, in which F-16 jets chased commercial airliners out of their flight patterns. What do you think?

I think the Aviation Department should do a better job of painting those yellow lines in the air to prevent such mishaps.


Raul Herron

Air Force Follies

Maybe the government has been giving out a bit too much hash lately.


Robert Pettit

Air Force Follies

They were probably testing something. Just like the time they tested my anus to see if I was gay.


Rachel Pierce

Air Force Follies

I find it surprising to hear about these accidents, especially when I think of the fine caliber of individuals in the military that I knew in high-school shop class.


Gregg Syzinski

Air Force Follies

Remember in 1983 when we shot down that Korean Airlines jet? That was sweet.


Richmond Burger

Air Force Follies

Kenny Loggins was right—they really do fly into the Danger Zone.


Greg Masters

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

A number of public-safety groups are lobbying Congress to pass legislation banning car phones, calling them dangerous and distracting to the driver. What do you think?

I couldn't concentrate on the road if I was yakking on the horn. It's distracting enough having my secretary blow me on those cross-town commutes.


Tad Herman

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

Car phones? Oh, trés passé! Everybody who's anybody communicates via car fax.


Bob Dwyer

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

I have no need for cars or phones, for I am a mollusk.


Helen Holt

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

Having a phone in the car has made it so much easier to swerve.


Lynette Eggert

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

Talking on the phone while driving is an accident waiting to happen, so I just sit in the garage all day, waiting for calls.


Rick Nielsen

Should Car Phones Be Banned?

Car phone or no car phone, one thing is certain—I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!


Tad Kolinski

The Clone Wars

In the first-ever cloning of a mammal, scientists in Scotland announced last week that they had successfully cloned a sheep. What do you think?

Big deal. I discovered the secret of my sheep's colon years ago.


Wendy Reid

The Clone Wars

The world of the frighteningly prophetic 1984 film Weird Science is closer than we think.


Barbara Eastman

The Clone Wars

I can't believe it—imagine a whole field of sheep that all look alike!


Rajeev Pindar

The Clone Wars

They spend billions on genetics research, and meanwhile, I still have no pretzel rods with tangy ranch flavor.


Tony Roth

The Clone Wars

Science can do anything now, man. They can clone, they can orbit shit. Hell, I'll admit it—science is cool.


Will Backman

The Clone Wars

I think I saw some of those cloning experiments going on down at the mall. They had wallet chains and real big pants.


Jerry Osgood

Protecting The Police

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to better protect our nation's law enforcement officials. What do you think?

I feel bad for the cops. From now on, I'm going to let them beat me a little harder.


Warren Browder

Protecting The Police

In preparation for an armed assault by a police officer, I reinforced my ass with a baking sheet.


Hugh Kulwicki

Protecting The Police

We need to protect our nation's law enforcement officials at any cost. Except those fucking meter maids—let the bitches fry.


Dana Bern

Protecting The Police

Any police officer who's in trouble should just call 911.


Linda Lewis

Protecting The Police

I think our police officers would be safer if they didn't wander around such bad neighborhoods at all hours of the night.


Bill Reuschel

Protecting The Police

The only way policemen can be saved is if they accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.


Herb Petersen

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta"" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?"

I believe there is a connection between this murder and last November's slaying of Whitney Houston.


Theresa Hull

Notorious R.I.P.

There was once a man killed for rapping the gospel. They nailed Him to a cross. His name was Jesus.


Chad Schorr

Notorious R.I.P.


Kevin Hyland

Notorious R.I.P.

Congress has simply got to start increasing public-service announcement funding.


Lorraine Woolhouse

Notorious R.I.P.

These rap stars have got to stop trying to emulate their fans.


Patrick Prozinski

Notorious R.I.P.

It's the same as all those East Coast-West Coast killings back in the big band days. Artie Shaw. Tommy Dorsey. And they still don't know what happened to Benny Goodman.


Geoff Casterbaum

Tattoo Youth

A number of parents' groups are currently lobbying Congress to pass legislation requiring minors to obtain parental consent before they can get a tattoo. What do you think?

I would never let my daughter get a tattoo. I didn't spend 17 years washing and softening her supple skin only to have her mar it with some ink.


Steven Zylker

Tattoo Youth

Dude, I was gonna get this totally radical tattoo that said, 'Satan Is Lord, All Hail The Prince Of Darkness,' just to let everyone know I'm not someone to fuck with. Too bad my mom said no.


Bobby Ohlmeyer

Tattoo Youth

My dad's such a hypocrite. He says I can't ever have a tattoo, even though he's got this cool nine-digit number on his forearm.


Christine Potvin

Tattoo Youth

A 15-year-old is old enough to buy cigarettes, but not old enough to get a tattoo? That's not right.


Candice Brocklin

Tattoo Youth

When I was a baby, my mother took me to get my first tattoo. It's on my forehead, and it reads, 'Mommy's Little Mistake.'


Ned Junker

Tattoo Youth

My mom said I could get a tattoo, as long as it said, 'Homosexuality Is Wrong.'


Mitchell Dyer

The McVeigh Trial

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media scrutiny for nearly two years—can get a fair trial before an unbiased jury. What do you think?

What's so hard about giving him a fair trial? If he floats, he's a witch. Case closed.


Ron Young

The McVeigh Trial

I think the biggest threat to McVeigh's getting a fair trial is the fact that he blew up that federal building in Oklahoma City.


Ken Francona

The McVeigh Trial

It's the trial of the century! Or, at least, this year's trial of the century. Okay, this year's second trial of the century.


Ellen Sakata

The McVeigh Trial

America should have a permanent supply of 12 people encased in lucite for just such occasions.


Harriet Mortimer

The McVeigh Trial

Even if he did set off that bomb, who's to say those people wouldn't have blown up anyway?


Arlo Unger

The McVeigh Trial

Maybe he can plea-bargain down to 16,000 counts of littering and mishandling biological waste.


David Charbonneau

Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?

I pray that a solution is found. What will happen to my Ms. Pac Man high scores?


Robyn Lipman

Computer Countdown To '00

I hope this problem won't affect the hovering space cars we'll be driving in 2000.


Wally Putnam

Computer Countdown To '00

My computer went all crazy on me the other day. But I think it was because I ejaculated all over the keyboard.


Rachel Stryzinski

Computer Countdown To '00

Without a computer, how will I speak to my friends in Japan, order a bouquet of roses and help my son with his report on dinosaurs?


Pete Mortman

Computer Countdown To '00

In just three years, William McKinley will lead the country, the auto-mobile fad will be in full swing, and I shall sport a jaunty boater cap and wax my moustache!


Mitchell Jessup

Computer Countdown To '00

Open the pod bay doors, Hal… Hal? I won't argue with you, Hal!


Felicia Koonce

Is The President Above The Law?

Last week, President Clinton's Whitewater business partner was sentenced to three years in prison, while the president avoided standing trial. Days later, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she would not order an investigation of Clinton's questionable 1996 election fund-raising. Should presidents in some cases be exempt from prosecution?

Presidents should be held accountable for all their actions. Except shoplifting. That's no big deal.


Tyler Grieg

Is The President Above The Law?

I still think they should have made Gerald Ford stand trial for strangling that hooker.


Ryan Sturbridge

Is The President Above The Law?

When I was president of the River Valley Birdwatchers Club, I had free reign. I was fuckin' unstoppable.


Nevin Vance

Is The President Above The Law?

Clinton should go to jail for Whitewater 'cause he's a fag-lovin', pot-smokin', womanizing draft dodger. Do you ride this bus often?


Donna Moreland

Is The President Above The Law?

Bill Clinton is still a young man. If any of these crimes should end up on his permanent record, it may limit his options later in life.


Tim Brundage

Is The President Above The Law?

In a democratic society like ours, only one man is above the law. I speak, of course, of box-office action champ Steven Seagal.


Felicia Koonce

Premarital Counseling

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a counselor before getting married. What do you think?

My fiancée and I go through premarital counseling all the time. We call it, 'Scream At The No-Good Baby That Ruined Our Lives.'


Tyler Grieg

Premarital Counseling

What are the counselors gonna say? 'Don't throw the best years of your life away on some broad that's bangin' your brother while you're busting your hump all day at Carpetland'? 'Cause that's what they should say.


Ryan Sturbridge

Premarital Counseling

Screw premarital counseling. What my future wife needs is blow-job counseling. I mean, she's stroking too slow and scraping her teeth way too much.


Nevin Vance

Premarital Counseling

Everything I needed to know about marriage I learned from the Georgia Satellites.


Donna Moreland

Premarital Counseling

I think premarital counseling is crucial. We had ours at Macy's, and without it we never would have picked out the Lenox Old English pattern china.


Tim Brundage

Premarital Counseling

If I had only gotten the proper pre-burger counseling last Tuesday, maybe I wouldn't have put on all that extra mayo.


Andy Noonan

The FDR Memorial

The new Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, dedicated last Friday in Washington, D.C., has come under fire for not depicting him in a wheelchair. What do you think?

I don't know if the wheelchair would increase the monument's dignity, but it sure would increase its humor value. Cripples are hilarious!


Lisa Proehl

The FDR Memorial

Without FDR my feminine odor would be out of control.


Randy Innis

The FDR Memorial

Why must the new statue hide the truth? Can't it show FDR's nurse helping him on with his underwear?


Brenda Sorensen

The FDR Memorial

This is Washington, D.C. If they put wheels on that thing, they'd be gone in 60 seconds.


Dennis Farron

The FDR Memorial

I'm still angry the Jefferson Memorial didn't depict him banging his slaves.


Reggie Yeager

The FDR Memorial

Would the FDR in a wheelchair statue be able to talk like the Christopher Reeve statue I saw on Barbara Walters?


Steve Rydell

Tobacco Company Liability

In a landmark case last week, a federal judge ruled that cigarette manufacturer R.J. Reynolds is not liable in the lung-cancer death of a longtime smoker. What do you think?

The ones they ought to be going after are the bastards who make the matches.


Vicki Otterman

Tobacco Company Liability

I, personally, would like to thank Philip Morris for the death of my unwanted fetus.


Lisa Winters

Tobacco Company Liability

It would be different if someone had made it perfectly clear that smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy.


Chris Saxon

Tobacco Company Liability

My dad died of loneliness. If only there was one person, just one single, solitary person that I could sue.


Timothy Kolkos

Tobacco Company Liability

Life's too short for hate. Instead, let's think about all the good things the tobacco companies have done.


Randy Ordonez

Tobacco Company Liability

The cigarette companies should all be found liable and made to pay. Except for Virginia Slims—they were just doing their part for women's rights.


Heroin Chic

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic

the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated

strung-out-looking models. What do you think?"

We need to educate young people about the dangers of heroin. For example, don't buy from my uncle, because he cuts it with roach paste.


Heroin Chic

You know who's a real heroine? Bette Midler, that's who.


Heroin Chic

Ever since I started looking lifeless and emaciated, my popularity has soared. Thanks, AIDS!


Heroin Chic

I'm still waiting for my Boy Scout-impaling habit to become chic.


Heroin Chic

I think Clinton might really learn to like heroin if he just got addicted to it.


Heroin Chic

Why do the young kids enjoy so much the heroin and the close dancing and the iron-on patches? Why can't they join a church group and play 'Stardust' on the organ to nursing home patients?


Randall Farber

Military Sex Scandals

In the past year, several military officers have been involved in major sex scandals, ranging from adultery to sexual assault. What do you think about sex and the military?

After a night of lovemaking with a female recruit, I honorably discharged my semen all over her tits.


Christine Forrester

Military Sex Scandals

What did these women think would happen, parading around in front of their commanding officers every day—right, left, right, left, right, left…?


Alvin Buchwald

Military Sex Scandals

The real problem here is the uniform—It's like a chick magnet, man.


Ed Delessandro

Military Sex Scandals

I once had sex in the military, but my sergeant said it was okay, since I killed the gook bitch afterwards.


Leo Orff

Military Sex Scandals

You people don't understand! There was a war on! It was rape or be raped! You can't imagine the horror!


Janet Meyerson

Military Sex Scandals

This has been a problem ever since Bill Murray gave M.P. P.J. Soles the infamous 'Aunt Jemima Treatment.'


Theodore Cannell

An Apology For Slavery?

As part of his recent campaign to address the problem of racism in America, President Clinton raised the possibility of apologizing for slavery. What do you think?

I think the U.S. should have to write, 'I will not enslave an entire race of my fellow human beings ever again,' 1,000 times across the national blackboard.


Max Eggert

An Apology For Slavery?

As far as reparations go, we shouldn't give them any money. It would be easier just to let them keep all the shit they ripped off.


Mary McCrory

An Apology For Slavery?

Haven't we done enough for the black people, letting them share our water fountains?


Heather Greer

An Apology For Slavery?

In 1993, after more than 3,900 years, the Egyptians finally apologized to the Jews. But they still didn't give them their long-promised 40 cubits and an ankh.


Phil Staunton

An Apology For Slavery?

Yo, apologies for slavery goin' out to all my homies out there: Tyrone, Darnell, G-Love, my boy Special K and all the fellas down on 113th, my moms, my shorties Shawanda and Laqueesha…


Ron Grabowski

An Apology For Slavery?

The government can apologize all it wants and pay all the reparations it wants, but one thing's certain: Nobody's taking away my slaves.


Marianne Anders

The Graying Of America's Prisons

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades. What do you think?

I'll tell you one upside to this: Jailbreaks and riots will take on more of a comical, pathetic quality.


Freddie Payton

The Graying Of America's Prisons

She's never been to jail, but my grandmother is a prisoner in her own home. No way am I taking her out for walks.


Marty Santana

The Graying Of America's Prisons

I've been in prison for over 60 years. But do I complain? No! I'm fit as a fiddle, thanks to my Jack LaLanne juicer and a daily regimen of shower-room anal rape.


Elyse Reuschel

The Graying Of America's Prisons

I heard that Roddy The Weasel, the top man in cell block 15-B, just broke his hip.


Chet Reid

The Graying Of America's Prisons

If they're really, really old, you can just stick them in some room and tell them it's jail.


Milt Worrell

The Graying Of America's Prisons

Lefty's doing time in Sing Sing, see, because he took the fall for Moishe, see? We're going to bust him out, see? Then we're going to put the kibosh on DeSantoni's gang.


Cheryl Krenchicki

CNN And The Movies

CNN journalists have come under fire for a number of recent appearances in films, including The Lost World and Contact. What do you think about the mixing of journalism and Hollywood?

If this trend continues, journalists will become made-up talking heads concerned more with ratings than reportage. I would not want to live in such a world.


Wayne Poole

CNN And The Movies

Did you ever see that one movie with Walter Cronkite about some war? I think it was called The Vietnam War. It was pretty good, but it kind of dragged in parts.


Roy Burnham

CNN And The Movies

I just can't trust reporters anymore. Not after Channel 12's Jill Nystrom convinced me to go to Cranberry Days and it sucked.


Neil Engers

CNN And The Movies

There's only one reporter I can count on to give me the news straight: Fact Or Fiction host James Brolin.


Denise Thon

CNN And The Movies

TV reporters should not be appearing in movies. It's an abuse of their power and influence—power and influence that would be put to much better use spreading the Good News of our savior, Jesus Christ.


Pete Orosco

CNN And The Movies

Enough already: Kermit The Frog should stop fence-sitting and decide whether he's a reporter or a muppet.


Duane Trammell

The Roaring '90s

With Wall Street soaring and unemployment low, America is enjoying its greatest prosperity since the mid-'80s. What do you think about the current economic boom?

The boom has been really visible around here: Lately, a lot of people are coming in and ordering the nine-piece McNuggets instead of the six.


Steve DesJardins

The Roaring '90s

If the economy is doing so well, then why, like so many hard-working Americans, can I still not afford a decent speedboat?


Becky Woodson

The Roaring '90s

I think I'm going to have two extra babies this year!


Lou Steinhauer

The Roaring '90s

I'm so rich I'm going to sit in my desert house, watch Ice Station Zebra around the clock and grow my nails and hair out.


Ted O'Brien

The Roaring '90s

Congress should appropriate money for shades to shield people's eyes from the potentially harmful effects of the nation's unusually bright future.


Cynthia Poulson

The Roaring '90s

I don't see how the economy has improved so much. I'm still living in a crude dirt hole, with nothing to eat but nuts and berries. Oh, wait. I'm a vole.


Sarah Alessandro

The UPS Strike

The weeks-old UPS strike is badly hurting America's small businesses—employers of 50 percent of the nation's workers—prompting many to call for President Clinton to step in and resolve the dispute. What do you think?

With the men of UPS on strike, it's been nearly three weeks since I last received a special 'overnight package delivery,' if you know what I mean.


Gene Crandall

The UPS Strike

I've got to get a proposal to a client in New York by 8 a.m. tomorrow. I need real business solutions—fast.


Lucas Ross

The UPS Strike

None of this matters to me. I ship things the old-fashioned way: plate tectonics.


Nancy Eisen

The UPS Strike

At this rate, by the time my J. Crew order arrives, my cable-knit sweater will be an entirely outdated shade of moss.


Keith Datillo

The UPS Strike

I swear, if my Asian bride starves to death in some warehouse, UPS will give me back every dollar I paid.


Will Durning

The UPS Strike

I say this whole strike is a smokescreen. What those guys really want is to keep all them great parcels for themselves.


Kenny Cooper

Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?

Can't these fat-cat legislators in Washington figure out some way to make two people love each other?


Adrian Pulsipher

Is Divorce Too Easy?

With divorces so easy to obtain, what kind of message are we sending our children—that it's okay to not like being unhappy?


Pamela Hyland

Is Divorce Too Easy?

Before a couple gets a divorce, the least they can do is have one last baby to try to save the marriage.


Theodore Kolb

Is Divorce Too Easy?

Our divorce laws need to protect the real victims in all of this: the people who buy expensive wedding gifts for doomed couples. That breadmaker for the Silvermans cost me $250.


Jon Loftus

Is Divorce Too Easy?

Friend, I've been through it. And law or no law, nothing is more heartbreaking than losing that 60 percent higher tax deduction for filing jointly.


Irene Abrams

Is Divorce Too Easy?

You mean people can still get married? That bastard lied to me!


Sharon Wayne

Smoking And The Movies

The Clinton Administration recently took Hollywood to task for the rise in on-screen portrayals of smoking. What do you think about cigarettes and cinema?

If people see characters smoking in movies, it's only a matter of time before we start to see people smoking in real life.


Matt Reiderer

Smoking And The Movies

I say, down with smoking, and up with gender- positive portrayals of anthropomorphic squirrels in animated musicals.


David Pinsky

Smoking And The Movies

I started smoking at age 13 after seeing my Uncle Abe's glamorous portrayal of smoking in my Bar Mitzvah video.


Chet Billups

Smoking And The Movies

Doesn't anyone know those are just prop cigarettes used in the movies?


Adrienne Elson

Smoking And The Movies

Hollywood needs a few more people like Kevin Costner, who in 1995's Waterworld took a rare, heroic stand against the evil Smokers.


Paul Dougan

Smoking And The Movies

Movies need to stop entertaining and start educating.


Ted Springs

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from paparazzi. What do you think?

Boy, I thought the paparazzi were out of line back in '33, when their flashbulbs enraged Kong, causing him to escape and nearly destroy Manhattan. But this time they've gone too far.


Duane Eichhorn

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

I have a tip for the paparazzi—I will be dining tonight at the Shoney's on Highway 11. But please, no flashbulbs.


Cheryl Pinsky

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

To the paparazzi, I have only one question: How do you live with yourselves? Oh, and also, how do you avoid that red-eye effect?


Suzanne Templeton

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?


Mitchell Cook

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

Remember when President Clinton held that nuclear test-ban summit in Iceland last year? Why couldn't the press just leave him alone?


Randy Quisling

Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

As a longtime Princess Di photographer, I freely admit that we screwed up. We screwed ourselves out of another 40 years of making millions off photos of that stupid broad riding horses and shopping.


Karl Orff

Public Funding For Stadiums

Taxpayers and politicians in a number of U.S. cities are deeply divided over proposed multi-million-dollar, taxpayer-funded sports stadiums. What do you think?

If we don't build stadiums, then the roads won't be clogged with cars and the bars won't be filled with drunk sports fans. Then where would we be?


Barbara Christiansen

Public Funding For Stadiums

If they're going to build a stadium for the guys, they had better build something for us women, like a parking lot to wait in.


Matthew Arnett

Public Funding For Stadiums

I'm voting for the new stadium in my city. Not because I'm a sports fan, but because I can't get enough of peeing in a trough.


Warren Wyler

Public Funding For Stadiums

I don't even want to know how much of the Gilbert City budget went toward repaving the tennis courts at the park.


Russell Innes

Public Funding For Stadiums

I don't know much about stadiums, but I'll tell you what I do think: I know it's highly unorthodox to say this, but I really think the Pack might have what it takes to go all the way this year.


Stacie sanchez

Public Funding For Stadiums

How can a child be expected to learn to read in a city with a 30-year-old stadium?


Richard Vasquez

The Land Mine Debate

Representatives of nearly 100 nations gathered in Oslo last week to draft a treaty to ban land mines globally. The treaty was rejected by President Clinton, who said that mines are necessary to protect certain disputed borders. What do you think?

The governments of many Third World nations rely on land mines as their primary means of blowing the legs off innocent children. Without them, what would they do—saw all those legs off by hand?


Michelle Reyerson

The Land Mine Debate

As a military historian, I know of a far greater threat than land mines: Welsh longbows. Why, those things cut down scores of French infantrymen during the Battle of Agincourt.


Nancy Stennett

The Land Mine Debate

I was against land mines until I found out that we don't have any in Minnesota. Now I don't care either way.


Ken Unger

The Land Mine Debate

I just think it's awful that Princess Diana had to be tragically killed by a land mine in order to bring this serious issue to the fore.


J.D. Lewis

The Land Mine Debate

Land mines are unconscionable in this day and age. From now on, the world's military powers should rely on underground motion-detecting hunter/seeker mobile cyberdrones equipped with rotating sawblades.


Oscar Steinholz

The Land Mine Debate

I'll betcha one of them land mines would really do a number on your nutsack.


Rachel Newsome

The Return Of Thalidomide

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been reapproved by the FDA for the treatment of leprosy. What do you think?

I wish I'd known about thalidomide's reintroduction a few weeks ago, so I wouldn't have had to go through the trouble of sawing off my son's arms and attaching his hands to his shoulders myself.


Kyle Ordonez

The Return Of Thalidomide

In his prophetic 1989 hit, 'We Didn't Start The Fire,' Billy Joel warned of the dangers facing children of thalidomide. He also spoke stirringly about the problem of heavy-metal suicide.


Jonathan Bibby

The Return Of Thalidomide

As a person whose mother took thalidomide during pregnancy, I must ask: Could you hand me that pen, please? Just put it in my mouth.


Mel Tepper

The Return Of Thalidomide

My grandfather says that in the old days, they used to meet on the veranda on hot summer evenings and drink strawberry thalidomides. It sounds like a nice, old-fashioned treat.


Craig Upchurch

The Return Of Thalidomide


Gwendolyn Porter

The Return Of Thalidomide

It's horrifying that such a vile substance will once again be on the market. You did say Tab, didn't you?


Teri Altshuler

Internal Revenue Disservice

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you think?

Of course the IRS harasses poor people. Have you seen any? They're absolutely disgusting.


Tom Pulsipher

Internal Revenue Disservice

You're telling me the IRS targets the poor. Almost $1,200 came out of my paycheck from last week. That's, what, 15 percent? Shit.


Mel Utrillo

Internal Revenue Disservice

By saving my receipt, I was able to write off the wheelchair I bought after IRS agents came and shattered my kneecaps with an aluminum bat. That's smart money management.


Harriet Crisp

Internal Revenue Disservice

People should make sure to check the 'no' box on the 1040 form where it asks, 'Would you like to have your home raided in the middle of the night by armed federal agents?'


Doug Landsman

Internal Revenue Disservice

As a gun-toting survivalist living in backwoods Idaho, I naturally oppose everything the IRS stands for. Would you like to try some of my home-cured bear jerky?


Fred Wallach

Internal Revenue Disservice

If you don't like the way this country's unfair tax structure favors those who make over $70,000 a year, why don't you just move to Canada, where the taxes are slightly higher but the average citizen is far better off? Hey, wait a second.


Ed Shelby

The Holistic Medicine Boom

Led by such new-age gurus as Deepak Chopra and Andrew Weil, holistic medicine is more popular than ever. What do you think of alternative medicine?

I tried acupuncture once to cure a liver ailment. It wasn't the needles that bothered me; it was the Asian guy laughing at me in the background.


Alison Nickerson

The Holistic Medicine Boom

My bad breath was recently healed by a powerful new-age Certs flavor crystal.


Ron Kramer

The Holistic Medicine Boom

This guy once told me he could redirect my chi energy by putting his dick in my butt. He was a very wise man.


Francis Dhuey

The Holistic Medicine Boom

I had my thyroid gland removed without any anesthetic, and only two acupuncture needles in my neck. The pain was excruciating.


Stacy Rokowitz

The Holistic Medicine Boom

I've been on a ginseng-only diet for three weeks now. Look at the colors, man. The colors.


Benjamin Wuhl

The Holistic Medicine Boom

My wife had a swami over last week to correctly align her yoni and chakras. She said it worked, but it sure looked to me like he was just fucking her.


Ron Nicosia

Presidential Mental Disability

In the wake of a report that Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's condition may have begun while he was still in office, many are calling for a transfer-of-power provision in case an acting president develops a mental disability. What do you think?

It's unfair to oust a president just because he needs a little help with decision-making, speechwriting and wiping.


Ira Rollo

Presidential Mental Disability

I won't have you saying these things about Reagan. So what if he wet the bed, threw his mashed squash around the Oval Office, and cried all the time? He made this country great again.


Stephanie Bullitt

Presidential Mental Disability

If a president is forced to step down due to a mental disability, he should at least be given the honorary position of Secretary Of Friends & Smiles.


Sam Reyes

Presidential Mental Disability

If nothing happens to the president's face, and he can still smile for pictures, there's no reason to get rid of him.


Mia Christiansen

Presidential Mental Disability

All I know is, the U.S. was in good hands after President Wilson suffered a stroke: His Icebox-Tossing Act of 1921, which required every American to toss his icebox out his living-room window every Wednesday, was a landmark statute.


Geoff Hurley

Presidential Mental Disability

I think a president's decisions should be respected no matter what his mental state. Unless he does something insane, like approve legislation increasing federal highway taxes three percent to create a $4.1 billion fund to repair America's crumbling infr


Frank Moreland

The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

With the business world becoming increasingly dependent on the Internet, there is concern that not enough is being done to guard against potentially devastating sabotage by "cyberterrorists."" What do you think?"

You mean some hacker could disrupt the computerized billing and record-keeping of my local phone company, costing them millions of dollars? That's awesome.


Carol Sandberg

The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

What if these terrorists got into the Snickers web site? They could potentially alter the peanuts-to-nougat ratio.


Donald Davis

The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

You don't think one of these cyberterrorists could somehow infiltrate a chat room and pretend to be a sexy girl, do you?


Phillip Sutcliffe

The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

No cyberterrorists shall gain access to my data—I'm protected by the coolest password ever: Shadowfax. Oh, no, I said it aloud! My hubris has undone me once again!


Liz Durham

The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

As a nursing-home resident, I live in constant fear of the fiberterrorists who force me to take my Metamucil.


Ernest Cey

The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

Well, cyberterrorists may be difficult to capture in the act, but from what I know about people who are highly skilled with computers, they should be easy to beat up.


Risa Sharp

Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

Sparked by Chinese Premier Jiang Zemin's recent visit to America, many are calling for the U.S. government to refuse trade with China until it improves its human-rights record. What do you think?

Do you realize that in China, those found guilty of murder are often put to death? The U.S. should not conduct business with such a country.


Edward Szold

Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

We shouldn't interfere with cultures we don't understand. Perhaps, in China, impaling student protestors on sewage-encrusted bamboo stakes is a way of showing respect.


Mitchell Orff

Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

If we were to cruelly deny the Chinese the great taste of Diet Coke via trade sanctions, we would be no better than them.


Randy Ulrich

Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

All I know is, if I have to listen to 'China Grove' on Classic Rock 101.5 one more time, I'm gonna file a human-rights complaint.


Liz Crandall

Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

The Chinese who work at the Rice Bowl restaurant are guilty of severe hunan-rights abuse. I ordered this dish without water chestnuts.


Ben Rublowsky

Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

I don't think it's right that the Chinese should be allowed to meddle in the affairs of humans.


Gus Browning

Standardized Testing Bias

Debate is raging over the SAT and other standardized college tests, which many contend are biased against minorities and the poor. What do you think about altering or abolishing such tests?

I see no reason why any high-school senior shouldn't be able to answer questions about basic yachting terminology.


Danielle Ross

Standardized Testing Bias

We must make these tests less biased so that qualified minority students will have an opportunity to not be able to afford college.


Carl Kukkonen

Standardized Testing Bias

There are many factors that are not adequately taken into account in standardized tests, such as who gots the dopest sneakers.


Ellyn Archer

Standardized Testing Bias

Everyone talks about the minorities, but no one ever talks about those of us who are terrified of paper.


Christopher Rau

Standardized Testing Bias

I was discriminated against during the college-testing process because I come from a culture that is opposed to filling in circles completely and with firm pressure.


Donny Slaim

Standardized Testing Bias

I think the tests should be tailored to the strengths of each individual student. I, for example, would have aced the SAT if it focused less on spatial equations and more on Queensrÿche.


Michael Mota

Concern Over Tainted Beef

Despite the efforts of the FDA, tainted-beef scares, including cases of e-coli-related illness and death, persist in the U.S. What do you think?

Clinton has got to start making the quality of our nation's patties a top priority.


Ross Mankowitz

Concern Over Tainted Beef

These days you just can't trust beef slaughtered by anyone but yourself.


Angela Juergens

Concern Over Tainted Beef

As a vegetarian, I laugh at the problems of you evil meat-eaters. My lifestyle is infinitely superior, except for my intolerable self-righteousness and constant barrage of lentil farts.


Jonathan Murphy

Concern Over Tainted Beef

There's got to be a way to monitor the quality of feces going into our beef.


Liz Pistone

Concern Over Tainted Beef

To ensure that our meat is safe at home, I put it in the oven for eight weeks at 725 degrees.


Frank Vitolo

Concern Over Tainted Beef

We can easily avoid all these problems by eating meat substitutes like Steak-Umms.


Irene Merrick

Rock Concert Ratings

Rock group Marilyn Manson's current tour—which includes explicit depictions of violent and sexual acts—has met with protests from decency groups, sparking a call for ratings for rock concerts. What do you think?

I agree that something should be done. I've felt this way since 1978, when I saw Shaun Cassidy eat a baby onstage.


Russell Bossy

Rock Concert Ratings

This is a difficult issue: I'm torn between a deep hatred of censorship and an even deeper one for Marilyn Manson.


Dave Tonelli

Rock Concert Ratings

I'm sure teenagers wouldn't be flocking to these Marilyn Manson shows if they were clearly labeled as carnal circuses of nudity, gore and corpse-fucking.


Melissa Goring

Rock Concert Ratings

I think those rock concerts are dangerous. I was at a BoDeans show once, and a number of concertgoers stood around holding lit cigarette lighters in their hands. It could have started a fire.


Ed Resch

Rock Concert Ratings

Whatever happened to good old-fashioned songs like 'Would You Share A Strawberry Bromide With Me, My Sweet Pollybelle'? Everything today is about the sexy kissing and the holding of the hands.


Tim Langevin

Rock Concert Ratings

The only thing warning labels do is serve to make things even more attractive. Why do you think I drink anti-freeze?


Randall Keyes

The Sprewell Suspension

Latrell Sprewell of the NBA's Golden State Warriors was recently suspended for one year after choking verbally abusive coach P.J. Carlesimo during a team practice. Some are calling the suspension too harsh. What do you think?

I don't know what I'd do if a coach criticized my dribbling. I'd probably stab him to death.


Ken LaBranca

The Sprewell Suspension

Suspending Sprewell is not enough. Carlesimo should be awarded two free throws and the ball.


Eileen Colangelo

The Sprewell Suspension

I think it's obvious what happened. Carlesimo must have foolishly asked Sprewell to make believe he had called without using 1-800-COLLECT.


Stephen Utter

The Sprewell Suspension

Why didn't Sprewell just go out and beat up someone smaller and weaker than him? That's what I used to do when I was on the high-school wrestling team.


Todd Worth

The Sprewell Suspension

I once got chewed out by my coach for not doing lay-ups right. But then I calmed down by masturbating in the locker-room shower.


Iris Wunsch

The Sprewell Suspension

One good thing about this incident is the fact that, although a black player assaulted a white coach, nobody has blown it into an explosive, racially polarized powder keg. Allow me to be the first.


Donald Paciorek

The Insanity Defense

Last week, the judge in the Unabomber trial ordered defendant Ted Kaczynski to undergo tests to assess his mental condition, sparking debate about the legitimacy of using insanity as a defense in criminal cases. What do you think?

Mr. Kaczynski has always impressed me as an extremely stable and mentally balanced homicidal Luddite mail-bomber.


Faye English

The Insanity Defense

I think the definition of insanity needs to be clarified. For example, what is the real distinction between 'bat-shit insane' and 'ape-shit insane'?


Rachel Bradley

The Insanity Defense

We've got to start cracking down on America's utterly lucid murderers.


Kenny Porter

The Insanity Defense

If Kaczynski wants to get acquitted by reason of insanity, all he has to do is something insane, like, oh, I don't know, like maybe blow people up with letter bombs for a couple of decades.


Stewart Mota

The Insanity Defense

I just got a great deal on a 27-inch TV down at Krazy Karl's Save-A-Tarium. Karl is obviously insane to offer such low prices, but that doesn't mean he's innocent of great bargains.


Ronald Issel

The Insanity Defense

Who is the man who is capable of judging another man? Judge Wapner, that's who.


Teresa Templeton

The Iraq Standoff

Saddam Hussein continues to defy the terms of Iraq's Gulf War surrender, refusing to let U.N. weapons inspectors into his nation unless economic sanctions are lifted. What do you think the U.S. should do?

Hopefully, the situation will deteriorate rapidly, as I still have over 43,000 'Saddam Insane' T-shirts left over in my garage from the Gulf War.


Bob Sobel

The Iraq Standoff

I know how those U.N. guys feel. I've been asking this girl at work to let me inspect her weapons for weeks now, but so far, no luck.


Chad Scherr

The Iraq Standoff

I am shocked that Saddam is not intimidated by the mighty U.N. peacekeepers, with their powder-blue uniforms and nightsticks.


Kim Vallejo

The Iraq Standoff

No doubt about it, that Saddam Hussein is a wily fox. A wily, wily fox.


Andrew Allanson

The Iraq Standoff

I'm sure that if we just sat down and reasoned with these flag-burning Arab madmen, they'd see our point of view.


Brandon Wilens

The Iraq Standoff

Whatever happened to the good old days, when you bombed the living shit out of somebody, and they stayed bombed?


Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

Oprah Winfrey is being sued in Texas court by beef-industry representatives, who claim that remarks she made on a show about mad-cow disease were "false and disparaging

costing them millions of dollars in beef sales. What do you think?"

As a fat, uneducated housewife, I am deeply torn between my love of Oprah and my love of beef.


Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

Because of what Oprah said, I'm not eating beef anymore. I'm also applying blush with the cheekbone.


Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

I just hope this trial doesn't keep Oprah from telling me what to read this month.


Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

The Beef Council must be very worried about the millions of dollars it would lose if Oprah were to stop buying beef.


Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

Today on her show, Oprah was wearing a mauve pullover. Now I hear mauve-pullover futures are going through the roof.


Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

Oprah's guilt in this case is implicit. After all, she has claimed many times that she's every woman.


Tyler Hunt

The Winter Olympics

The 18th Olympic Winter Games began this week, turning the world's attention to Nagano, Japan. What do you think about the arrival of this quadrennial athletic event?

Yeah! Time to kick some Towelhead butt! USA! USA! Oh, the Olympics? Shit. I thought you said 'war.'


Larry Baer

The Winter Olympics

You know, I was just saying the other day that there isn't enough ice-skating on television.


Roy Strypczynski

The Winter Olympics

There is nothing more thrilling than watching spandex-clad Aryans lay on top of each other at high speeds via nine-hour tape delay from Japan.


David Puhl

The Winter Olympics

Olympics? I think I ate there once. They have, like, cheeseburgers and gyros and stuff, right?


Caroline Kelley

The Winter Olympics

Thank goodness they've added Autumn Olympics in 1999 and Spring Olympics in 2001. No year is complete without a once-every-four-years Olympic competition.


Marie Colquitt

The Winter Olympics

I am so excited, I'm going to run out and use my Visa card right now.


Carrie Holt

Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

Last week, a federal judge ruled that golfer Casey Martin—who is afflicted with a circulatory disorder that makes it painful for him to walk—may use a motorized golf cart during PGA competition. The PGA contends that the use of a cart constitutes an unfair advantage, and plans to appeal the decision. What do you think?

I am shocked that the sport of golf would be associated with this sort of exclusivity and discrimination.


Ed Shanahan

Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

I know how Martin feels. I was recently kicked off the PGA Tour just because my debilitating foot fetish made me masturbate on the other golfers' cleats in the locker room all the time.


Willis Gehry

Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

First Tiger Woods, now a cripple? Christ, next thing you know, they'll be letting Jews into the country club.


Rick Struck

Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

If he's crippled, what's he doing trying to achieve in the first place?


Melanie Foti

Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

This is just the latest in a long line of injustices committed against America's professional golfers.


Gus Trotter

Casey Martin Vs. The PGA

Rodney Dangerfield endured the same sort of unfair treatment almost 20 years ago, solely because he wasn't an uptight, stuck-up snob. How little we have learned since then.


Randi Chester

Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Frustrated by Saddam Hussein's continued defiance of U.N. weapons inspectors, the U.S. is strongly considering a tactical strike against Iraq. What do you think?

War is bad for little children and other living things. No, that's not my opinion, it's just something I did a hook-rug of once. By all means, bomb, bomb, bomb.


Kip Fraschilla

Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

If we have all those extra soldiers, we may as well use some of them up.


Max Rudolph

Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

This grave international crisis makes me want to shout 'U.S.A.' thrice.


Gina Barlow

Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

With the Olympics over, I desperately need a new outlet for my rampant jingoism.


Tyler Welles

Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Before the U.S. resorts to bombing Iraq, we should make sure we've fully explored all other possible options, such as raping their women.


Ronald Potts

Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Remember back when Iran was bad, and Iraq was good? That was, like, weird.


The Super-Flu Threat

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with another existing flu to form a highly lethal and contagious "super-flu"" virus

killing millions worldwide. What do you think?"

Fighting this epidemic will require a historic alliance between rival flu-fighting superpowers Comtrex and Nyquil.


The Super-Flu Threat

I've heard many times that the planet will rise up and protect itself from the excesses of mankind. I guess that's why that fucking possum keeps sneaking into my garage.


The Super-Flu Threat

First, the millennium bug, now this. Time magazine has successfully terrified me once again.


The Super-Flu Threat

I look forward to the coming plague, because my bizarre existentialist rantings will become important again.


The Super-Flu Threat

As a survivor of the 1918 flu epidemic, I pray that my nurse will soon come and turn me over.


The Super-Flu Threat

There is only one man who can help us in this, the time of the super-flu. He goes by many names—The Dark Man, Randall Flagg, The Walkin' Dude. His followers must gather in what was once Las Vegas to prepare for the coming age of ultimate evil.


Susan Uselmann

Chemical-Biological Weapons

Popping up everywhere from Iraq to Nevada in recent months, chemical and biological weapons are regarded by many experts as the war instrument of the future. What do you think about the threat of these so-called "weapons of mass destruction""?"

There's been a lot of negative talk about biological weapons lately. But believe me, you haven't lived until your lymph nodes have swelled to the size of musk melons.


Kenneth Choudhury

Chemical-Biological Weapons

I was exposed to anthrax once, and it wasn't that bad, except for the spewing jets of pus part.


Steve Jordan

Chemical-Biological Weapons

Speaking of biological weapons, don't go into the men's room. I just dropped a big fucking bomb in there, man.


Jeanne Whalen

Chemical-Biological Weapons

I understand that the hated Kaiser and his marauding Huns are in possession of deadly mustard gas.


Chad Wilson

Chemical-Biological Weapons

The government has been been in possession of secret biological doomsday weapons for decades, but covered it up with a shadow conspiracy. Want to see some downloaded Gillian Anderson nudie pics?


Matt Morris

Chemical-Biological Weapons

Those soldiers in the Gulf War came into contact with some chemical that still gives them hallucinations and uncontrollable spasms. You wouldn't happen to know where I could get some of that stuff, do you?


too late."" What do you think?"

The Holocaust And The Vatican

Last week, the Vatican issued a document apologizing for its silence during the Holocaust. Jewish leaders called the document–which spread the blame for the genocide and praised wartime Pope Pius XII as a diplomat—"too little

Oh, like none of us ever collaborated with the Nazis in a systematic campaign to end the Jewish Problem. We're all just sooo perfect, aren't we?


The Holocaust And The Vatican

This is the worst thing to happen in Catholic-Jewish relations since Billy Joel said, 'You Catholic girls start much too late.' Billy Joel is Jewish, isn't he?


The Holocaust And The Vatican

So the Catholics say they're sorry, but they stand by the Pope? That's the same thing Father Miller said after he cornholed me.


The Holocaust And The Vatican

I'll tell you one thing, no matter what happens, both sides of this debate are going to be riddled with guilt.


The Holocaust And The Vatican

I'm still waiting for an apology from the producers of Hogan's Heroes. They barely even acknowledged the Holocaust on that show.


The Holocaust And The Vatican

I'm sure Pope Pius was just following God's orders.


Mitchell Tanner

The Boy Scout Crackdown

In a controversial decision, the California Supreme Court recently upheld the Boy Scouts Of America's right to ban homosexuals from its ranks, as either scouts or Scoutmasters. What do you think?

Wrestling in the woods, rubbing down my fellow scouts with calamine lotion, packing six into a tent… I loved scouting, and I'm sure glad it won't be tainted by homosexuals.


Suzanne Parker

The Boy Scout Crackdown

It's terrible that they would kick a kid out of the Scouts for being gay. They should tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him.


Isaac Foli

The Boy Scout Crackdown

I guess my 'Gag-Reflex Suppression' merit badge is pretty useless now.


Risa Stargell

The Boy Scout Crackdown

This sidesteps the real issue: With the Cold War long over, does the U.S. really need to continue to maintain the world's largest standing Boy Scout force?


Todd Easler

The Boy Scout Crackdown

As long as the Girl Scouts are straight, that's all that matters: No way I'm buying Do-si-dos from a lesbo.


George Tekulve

The Boy Scout Crackdown

All those kids who find themselves kicked out of conventional scouting are free to attend my first annual North American Man-Boy Scouting Association Camporee. Bring your trunks!


Julie Paris

Organ-Transplant Prioritization

Congress recently reformed organ-transplant waiting-list laws, giving priority to the person most in need instead of the person geographically closest to the available organ. What do you think about the controversy over how to distribute life-saving organs?

Organs should go to those with the fewest. I, for example, have only a left lung and a pancreas.


Doug Bailey

Organ-Transplant Prioritization

They're going to give organs to the people who need them most? That's great, because my Baldwin Fun Machine just went on the fritz. Yeah, the rhumba button's stuck.


Geoff Mercy

Organ-Transplant Prioritization

I hope these new reforms don't mean I get bumped down on the waiting list for a new eye. Not that I need one, or anything—I just think it'd be awesome to have an eye in a jar.


Risa Stargell

Organ-Transplant Prioritization

I hope they get the technology perfected soon, because I could sure use one of those horse cocks.


Michelle Hobbs

Organ-Transplant Prioritization

This new 'worst-first' policy is un-American. Now how will our aging, alcoholic baseball heroes and hippie folk-rockers receive preferential liver transplants?


George Foley

Organ-Transplant Prioritization

Isn't it just like those greedy transplant cases—They gotta have just the right organ, and they gotta have it now.


Richard Strom

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

Next year, Helen Hunt will earn $1 million per episode of Mad About You. NBC offered Jerry Seinfeld $3 million per episode to continue Seinfeld. What do you think about the recent explosion in television stars' salaries?

I know it's a lot of money, but come on: Those TV shows are fuckin' great.


Christine Kosta

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

Mark my words–Americans will soon tire of the trash that is television and turn once more to classical Greek theatre, moved to laughter and tears as they discover that gods still haunt the proscenium.


Allan Holcomb

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

These television stars are overpaid no-talents who don't deserve a fraction of the money they're getting. Except that one guy on The Sentinel.


Tina Alt

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

Anyone who questions whether TV stars are worth the money they're getting obviously hasn't watched Moesha.


Greg Stallings

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

One million dollars is a fair price to pay Helen Hunt for that episode where she gave birth. That had to hurt like hell.


Ryan Schu

Skyrocketing TV-Star Salaries

If we don't pay top dollar to make our television the best it can be, it is the children of America who will ultimately suffer.


Victor Ryan

The Arrival Of Digital Television

Digital television is being touted as the next big big breakthrough in home-entertainment technology, offering viewers hundreds of channels without a satellite dish. What do you think?

Great! Now I can have CD-quality sound and a crystal-clear picture for my SeaQuest reruns.


Robert Thon

The Arrival Of Digital Television

Speaking of which, don't go into the bathroom. I just laid some high-quality cable of my own in there.


Marci Howe

The Arrival Of Digital Television

I have long wondered what treasures lie beyond Channel 117, and soon I shall find out.


Matt Cedeño

The Arrival Of Digital Television

If I don't need a roof-mounted satellite dish any more, how will my neighbors know that I have 300 channels?


Christine Cruz

The Arrival Of Digital Television

It's about time. There hasn't been a major technological advance in this country in weeks.


Stephen Richard

The Arrival Of Digital Television

I liked TV better back when there were only a couple of channels, and you had to watch Barney Miller.


Ricky Allen

The Shroud Of Turin

On public display for the first time in 20 years, the Shroud Of Turin—believed by millions to be Christ's burial shroud, despite being carbon-dated to the Middle Ages—is once again a hot topic of debate. What do you think?

Christ's burial cloth? Give me a break. It looks like some stinky hippie used the good towels.


Linda Flynn

The Shroud Of Turin

Whether or not the face on the Shroud is truly that of our Lord, no man—except, of course, a trained scientist using radiocarbon dating—can say.


Lawrence Kingman

The Shroud Of Turin

The 'Members Only' insignia on the left breast should be proof enough that the Shroud is fake.


Stacie Mazzilli

The Shroud Of Turin

I'm not traveling all the way to Italy to see the Shroud Of Turin when we've got the world's largest ball of twine right here.


Josh Taveras

The Shroud Of Turin

That's nothing, man. I have Jesus' actual autograph. He signed my Bible at GodCon '97.


Chad Swan

The Shroud Of Turin

You know those scientists who debunked the Shroud? They're all going to hell.


Gina Revering

Teen Smoking On The Rise

Despite the recent passage of numerous laws prohibiting tobacco manufacturers from marketing to minors, last week it was reported that teen smoking is on the rise in the U.S. What do you think?

I don't understand why teen smoking is up. Haven't we made it clear to kids that smoking is a dangerous, forbidden thing meant for older people?


Stu Colavito

Teen Smoking On The Rise

I stopped smoking when I realized I could get one of those cool tracheotomy voice boxes without having cancer.


Tony Fuller

Teen Smoking On The Rise

If anyone should be smoking, it's kids. You never hear about them dying of lung cancer.


Todd Pollack

Teen Smoking On The Rise

Perhaps Nancy Reagan could sit down and talk to these kids.


Iris Diamondopoulis

Teen Smoking On The Rise

As a public educator, I'm at a loss to explain this. Do you think the hip posters, the 'totally rad' anti-smoking sock hops and Dobie The Don't Smoke Donkey are having some sort of negative effect?


Zachary Roth

Teen Smoking On The Rise

These statistics are misleading. The higher rate of teen smoking is merely a symptom of the higher rate of teen fucking.


Joan Toth

Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?

I've never really considered becoming a heroin addict, but if the needles are free, why not?


Dry Cleaner

Free Needles To Drug Users?

As a dry cleaner, I say what we need to do is provide heroin users with one-hour needle martinizing.


Joseph Funderburke

Free Needles To Drug Users?

If we give out free needles to heroin addicts, how can we be sure diabetics won't take them and use them for their own purposes?


Ken Schwab

Free Needles To Drug Users?

The statistics show that heroin users who share needles have a very strong chance of getting really fucking high.


Elaine Steffens

Free Needles To Drug Users?

As long as you aren't shooting up with homos, there shouldn't be any danger of catching the gay AIDS.


Lucas Kingery

Free Needles To Drug Users?

Giving needles to heroin addicts? What's next–calls anywhere in the continental U.S. at just 10 cents a minute?


Chris Knight

India And The Bomb

India conducted five underground nuclear tests last week and has vowed to conduct more, prompting strong condemnation and economic sanctions from the U.S. What do you think?

Indians testing nuclear bombs? They can't even get my tandoori right.


Lori Backman

India And The Bomb

God, the Indians are so much more in touch with their spiritual side, aren't they?


Lawrence Santana

India And The Bomb

I guess this finally explains where all those glowing, six-armed blue guys came from.


Systems Analyst

India And The Bomb

India should heed America's call to stop nuclear testing. After all, we obliged when India asked us to stop in the '40s, '50s, '60s, '70s and '80s.


Sales Representative

India And The Bomb

I'm just glad American Indians don't have the bomb. Talk about heap big payback for Paleface.


Joseph Teufel

India And The Bomb

I just hope the Indians love their children, too.


Benjamin Reed

School Shootings

On May 21, Springfield, OR, 15-year-old Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high-school, killing two students and wounding 22 others. What do you think about the recent rash of school shootings?

I have no idea what would drive a young person like Kip Kinkel to hate and kill. Unless, of course, it's his fruity-ass name.


Stephanie Piersall

School Shootings

Something must be done: Our white kids are dying.


Darrell Oliver

School Shootings

What 15-year-old doesn't dream of taking out his whole class? And who are we to tell a child not to pursue his dreams?


Greg Goff

School Shootings

It's obvious that what America needs today is Jim Belushi as The Principal.


Kendra Schmidt

School Shootings

These kids should settle their differences with a heart-to-heart teen rap session.


Stephen Loring

School Shootings

Kids shooting kids with rifles? What has this world come to? A snub-nose .45 offers much better stopping power.


Jennifer Croydon

Life After Michael

With Michael Jordan closing out what could be his last season, the NBA may soon have to face life without its biggest draw and greatest ambassador. What do you think about such a prospect?

I will not watch NBA games when Michael Jordan retires. He is the only one who puts the ball in the hoop in a manner I enjoy.


Wayne Eccles

Life After Michael

I can't believe the NBA is going to retire Jordan. It's just another sad example of how the black man is mistreated in our society.


Richard Hooton

Life After Michael

Perhaps the NBA could make up for the inevitable loss of revenue by selling some sort of merchandise.


Robert Zahn

Life After Michael

Michael introduced me to something amazing, something I enjoy far more than anything else in the world—shooting kids for their shoes.


Aaron Milburn

Life After Michael

The real question is: What will the NBA do when Jud Buechler retires?


Amanda Platt

Life After Michael

No one can take Michael's place: Shaquille O'Neal's commercials totally suck.


Richard Moore

Bilingual Education Under Fire

On June 2, California voters overwhelmingly passed Proposition 227, a measure eliminating bilingual education programs for millions of Spanish-speaking immigrants. What do you think?

We don't need bilingual education. We just need to speak louder and slower, and finish all sentences with, 'Comprendé?'


Peter Amos

Bilingual Education Under Fire

I am in favor of bilingual education, as long as the two languages are Choctaw and BASIC.


Christine Falcone

Bilingual Education Under Fire

My great-grandfather arrived in America in 1903, and I can assure you, he did not speak Spanish.


Marisa Schone

Bilingual Education Under Fire

This problem is even worse in Mexico: Almost nobody speaks English over there.


Oliver Kittridge

Bilingual Education Under Fire

It is vital that Spanish-speaking immigrants learn English. How else are they supposed to understand how I want my hedges clipped?


Stockbroker

Bilingual Education Under Fire

I've been living here on El Camino Drive in Santa Cruz for nearly 30 years, and, thank goodness, I've never had to speak a word of Spanish.


Bobby Moore

The School-Choice Debate

Debate is raging over the issue of school choice, whose advocates are calling for tax-supported vouchers that can go toward private-school tuition. What do you think?

Me and all my friends here in Compton are hoping to go to Phillips-Exeter Preparatory Academy if this initiative passes.


Stephen Reichel

The School-Choice Debate

The thing I like best about this plan is that it will help those who need it least.


Marty Slocum

The School-Choice Debate

If private school is anything like it was in the 1983 teen sex romp of the same name, I want a voucher.


Stephanie Chambers

The School-Choice Debate

Can't we argue about something more important to our children's education, like, say, prayer?


Rich Bartholomew

The School-Choice Debate

This is a great way to solve all the problems caused by desegregation.


Margaret Cort

The School-Choice Debate

If I could go to one school, it would definitely have to be Degrassi High.


Peter Mills

Microsoft Under Fire

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business practices, such as its inclusion of Internet Explorer on Windows 98. What do you think?

I just got that new Microsoft recombinant-superflu virus, and unless I shell out $5,000 for the Microsoft immune-system DNA upgrades, I've only got a year to live.


Duane Griffin

Microsoft Under Fire

Bill Gates should be left alone to do his job. While the press is busy hounding him, he's still got to run the country, you know.


Karen Higgins

Microsoft Under Fire

I bet Bill Gates could win over the Justice Department if he got an even huger video screen to stand in front of at all times.


Thomas Vaught

Microsoft Under Fire

I look forward to discussing this Microsoft lawsuit with my fellow business travelers en route to my upcoming conference in Phoenix.


Sandra Robinson

Microsoft Under Fire

This Microsoft-Justice Department standoff is all anyone's talking about here at the shelter.


Larry Rice

Microsoft Under Fire

Microsoft should be free to do as it pleases without government interference. Bill Gates has my full support in this matter end loadc:\\.


Gilbert Morris

Secret Service Under The Gun

In a move many fear will jeopardize future presidential security, independent counsel Kenneth Starr has subpoenaed Secret Service personnel to testify before the Monica Lewinsky grand jury. What do you think about the Secret Service breaking its code of presidential silence?

We should be worrying about health care and the economy, not whether the president had sex with some Secret Service agents.


Eileen Simms

Secret Service Under The Gun

I feel they definitely should protect the Secret Sauce. If that got out, Lord knows what would happen.


Richard Bavaro

Secret Service Under The Gun

I think the Secret Service should be called to testify about the activities of former president Carter. God knows what hideous things go on down there in Plains, GA.


Duane Banks

Secret Service Under The Gun

Believe me—the Secret Service isn't telling everything they know, man. I've read enough Robert Anton Wilson to know that much.


Vanessa McConkey

Secret Service Under The Gun

People say making them testify will compromise the president's safety, or even national security. But to hell with that: We need to know if President Clinton had naughty sex.


Randall Taylor

Secret Service Under The Gun

I was talkin' with this one Secret Service guy at a rally for Charles Palantine, and he really understood me. He understood how much we need a real rain to wash all the scum off the streets.


Sandra Munson

Media Credibility In Question

Last month, CNN retracted a story falsely accusing the U.S. military of using nerve gas on Vietnam defectors. Three weeks ago, The Cincinnati Enquirer printed a front-page apology to Chiquita for an exposé based on information gathered in an "unlawful and unethical"" manner. The New Republic recently fired a staffer for quoting fictionalized sources in dozens of articles. What do you think about the credibility and accountability of the media?"

As long as the anchorperson reads the entire press release, there should be no danger of inaccurate reporting.


Chris Dent

Media Credibility In Question

I, too, have been burned by the media. You'd think if it says, 'Petite SWF, 22,' she wouldn't look like Delta Burke.


Richard Nettles

Media Credibility In Question

I recently read a report in Bop stating that A.J. from Backstreet Boys loves to skateboard. This can't possibly be true… can it?


Keith Chambliss

Media Credibility In Question

Aw, who cares? It's not like a well-informed public was essential to the functioning of a democracy or anything.


Vanessa Jackson

Media Credibility In Question

I wish journalism would return to its glory days, when principled, incorruptible men like William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer were in charge.


Randall Guidry

Media Credibility In Question

You know that anchorwoman Katie Dibble on Channel 12? She went to my high school, and I, like, totally fucked her.


Kyle Christoph

Security Concerns At The Capitol

On July 24, Russell Weston Jr. entered the U.S. Capitol with a .38 caliber revolver and killed two guards, prompting calls for tighter security in the building that houses our nation's top lawmakers. What do you think?

Perhaps if a senator got blown away every once in a while, those fat-cat lawmakers wouldn't be so soft on crime.


Randolph McCoy

Security Concerns At The Capitol

I just hope this doesn't mean they're going to cancel the group tour I booked for my club, The Rural Cabineers.


Porter Hewett

Security Concerns At The Capitol

Who would have expected something like this from a Montana schizophrenic with a history of cat torture?


Kelli Ready

Security Concerns At The Capitol

Just as long as Sen. Tom Daschle (D-SD) doesn't get hurt: He's my all-time favorite senator.


Rachel Jepson

Security Concerns At The Capitol

If we are truly serious about improving Capitol security, we should call Capitol Security, the D.C.-area security professionals for over 30 years.


Tim Kulick

Security Concerns At The Capitol

The Capitol shooting made me realize that terrorism is wrong. I wonder if it's too late to fish out the plutonium I poured into the Potomac yesterday.


Oscar Sowell

National Parks Under Siege

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems and prompting calls for a limit on the number of annual visitors. What do you think about our overburdened national parks?

Hey, I own the national parks as much as anyone, so I'm going to plow my RV into as many herds of deer as I like.


Jeff Palmer

National Parks Under Siege

They should hire some more of those giant owls that pick up garbage.


Angela Koerner

National Parks Under Siege

Maybe if the parks had some decent four-lane highways running through them, there wouldn't be so much traffic.


Steve Tendero

National Parks Under Siege

I don't buy this overcrowding bullshit for a minute: They just want us out of Yosemite so they can grow more 'Old Faithful Primo Gold,' the special top-secret Senate marijuana.


Lynette Bosch

National Parks Under Siege

Why visit some overcrowded national park when you can spend your summer vacation at the Our Lady Of Fatima Grotto & Fireworks Stand, located just five miles off I-90 in scenic Onida, SD?


Christopher Lee

National Parks Under Siege

The beauty of our national parks is awe-inspiring. Except for Jellystone. I drove through there once, and it was just the same tree, rock, and picnic bench going by in the background over and over.


Larry Yates

The Definition Of Sex

President Clinton reportedly told Monica Lewinsky during an alleged tryst that oral sex does not count as sexual relations. What do you think about the definition of sex?

Recently, my wife accused me of cheating on her. But once I explained to her that this woman just sucked me off until I shot my load all over her dress, she was totally relieved.


Anne Osrow

The Definition Of Sex

I think of sex as that horrible and disgusting act I had to go through to produce my precious son Kevin.


Rick Tonelli

The Definition Of Sex

I don't understand why Clinton is getting so much heat in the press. I mean, people fuck Jews all the time.


Patrick Croydon

The Definition Of Sex

This definition thing could get way out of hand. For instance, if you're going to count genital-anal contact, that means I have sex with my dog, for chrissakes.


Valerie Joyner

The Definition Of Sex

Sex is when daddy puts his hot dog in mommy's bun. At least, that's what my husband told me.


Ben Staunton

The Definition Of Sex

For me, sex can be the flutter of a woman's eyelashes. Or the rustling of her skirt. Or leaves moving gently in the breeze. Or a discarded soda cup. Or a bit of string.


William Ormond

HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs do not cover birth control, a fact that has angered many people in light of HMOs' coverage of Viagra. What do you think?

If HMOs are made to cover birth control, what's next–diphtheria vaccinations?


Lonnie Samms

HMOs And Birth Control

If HMOs refuse to pay for birth control, they should at least make up for it by performing as many unnecessary Caesarian sections as possible.


Samantha Eccles

HMOs And Birth Control

My HMO didn't cover birth control. Now they cover Brianna, Michael, Ashley, Renee, Devon and Jasmine.


Alicia Donegan

HMOs And Birth Control

That's okay if HMOs won't pay for birth control: Sheila says it totally makes you pork out.


Chris Reiner

HMOs And Birth Control

HMOs should stop paying for cancer treatment, as well. That just encourages people to get cancer.


Benjamin Schell

HMOs And Birth Control

Birth control should not be covered because it's a lifestyle choice. Viagra, on the other hand, saves lives.


Barry Todd

First Family In Crisis

In the wake of the Lewinsky scandal, media focus has shifted to the First Family, with some speculating that Bill and Hillary will divorce upon leaving the White House. What do you think about the future of the Clintons?

Hillary must be deeply hurt and angered that her husband broke his sacred vow to keep his extramarital affairs from the press.


Biswot Salaam

First Family In Crisis

As a Sudanese factory worker, I sincerely hope that Bill Clinton remains faithful to his wife during his remaining time in office.


Renee Walker

First Family In Crisis

I used to think Hillary was a bitch, but all that's changed now that I see her as a victim.


Gina Lyons

First Family In Crisis

I'm just glad Hillary hasn't stood by her man like some good little woman like Tammy Wynette.


Larry Klecko

First Family In Crisis

That recent vacation on Martha's Vineyard was just what Hillary needed–a break from the pressure of constantly feigning surprise and indignation.


Rick Leahy

First Family In Crisis

One thing's for sure: It'll be years before Chelsea is willing to give a guy a blow job.


Jeffrey McBride

Princess Di One Year Later

Last week marked the first anniversary of the Paris car crash that claimed the life of Princess Diana. How do you feel one year after her tragic death?

Even now, I can still recall where I was the night I heard the news: down at Ed's Tavern, cracking jokes about it with the guys.