Gary Bélanger

Co-Founder Of Mattel Dead

Elliot Handler, the co-founder of the company that introduced Barbie dolls and Hot Wheels cars, died Thursday at age 95. What do you think?

If he's no good anymore, is it okay to pull his arms off?


Melissa Forrest

Co-Founder Of Mattel Dead

I didn't need to hear that. I prefer my multimillion-dollar corporations faceless and vaguely sinister.


Rich Mongrain

Co-Founder Of Mattel Dead

But who will give my son something to do and my daughter something to feel bad about?


Anna Pepys

Big Drugs About To Go Generic

The patents of six of the 10 bestselling prescription drugs will expire over the next two years, making room for cheaper generic equivalents. What do you think?

I guess I could put the generic drug in some old Lipitor packaging so people will still think I'm well off.


Al Childs

Big Drugs About To Go Generic

I hope they don't cheapen the production value of the commercials. It's nice to see baby boomers dressed in neutral colors looking so self-assured.


Neil Bond

Big Drugs About To Go Generic

Just two years, huh? Yeah, I think I can last that long.


Chris Bateman

Congressman Resigns Over Unwanted Sexual Incident

Amid accusations he sexually assaulted an 18-year-old, Rep. David Wu (D-OR) announced he would resign as soon as debt-ceiling negotiations were complete. What do you think?

It's a good thing he's staying for a little while. A sexual predator is exactly the kind of sane, reasoned voice we need right now.


Matt Shrimpton

Portland is a forgiving place. Go buy a few rounds of Pabst, build a couple skate parks, and you should be fine.


Bex Besser

So he actually touched her? Good—for a while there I was beginning to worry all analog sexual harassment had been replaced by the Internet.


Kaye Valentin

Critics: NBC's 'Playboy Club' Glamorizes Pornography

Watchdog group the Parents Television Council has accused NBC of glorifying pornography with its new program The Playboy Club, which debuts in September. What do you think?

'Pornography'? Playboy didn't even show labia until 2003.


Danny Marschack

Every time I watch a rerun of Cheers, I wonder if NBC can even remember how to glamorize something wholesome, like alcoholism.


Alan Dimpsey

They made my dad's idea for a TV show into a TV show? What fun!


Ted Scuffleton

Woman Fined For Truck Nutz

Facing a $445 fine, a South Carolina woman will go to trial to let a jury determine whether the fake oversized testicles hanging off the back of her truck are obscene. What do you think?

This ruling will have broad implications for the entire automotive genital-accessory industry.


Lacey Cadeau

Woman Fined For Truck Nutz

I'm not sure using the 'contemporary community standards' test to determine indecency will help the state's case. At this point, the whole country pretty much associates fake-testicle car ornaments with South Carolina.


Jarred Gordon

Woman Fined For Truck Nutz

I really hope they make this into a major motion picture. We haven't given Kathy Bates something to sink her teeth into for a while.


Lou Gajda

Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury

According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. What do you think?

Well, the user experience in this country is just terrible.


Sonya Howland

Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury

Great, so why don't we sell them a couple of aircraft carriers and we'll be back in black.


Philip Keeton

Apple Has More Cash Than U.S. Treasury

This is why I took all my money out of U.S. currency and put it into safe, stable iTunes gift cards.


Katy Raimondi

States Slashing Arts Budgets

Facing fiscal crisis, a number of states—including Texas, Wisconsin, and Kansas—are cutting their arts budgets or eliminating them altogether. What do you think?

Suits me fine. Kansas's state seal has become a little edgy for my taste.


Martin Smith

States Slashing Arts Budgets

I guess Wisconsin state senator Scott Fitzgerald will have to take those Nagels down from his office.


Eric Heller

States Slashing Arts Budgets


Matt Fisk

Dunkin' Donuts Employee Busted For Prostitution

Following a six-week investigation, a New Jersey Dunkin' Donuts cashier was arrested for propositioning customers for sex. What do you think?

Call me a snob, but the sex is way better at Starbucks.


Peter Endino

Oh, so that explains why every time I ask for a Coolatta at a different location they just hand me some kind of frozen-fruit crap.


Sue Burgess

Cool! I can't afford either thing she was selling!


Karen Gartside

Blogging Teacher To Return To Work

After a brief suspension, a Pennsylvania teacher will be returning to work at the same high school whose students, faculty, and administrators she criticized in blog posts. What do you think?

My teacher hated my guts, but she did the right thing and just quietly knocked three points off my exams.


Henry T. Gillis

Blogging Teacher To Return To Work

That's okay. I taught those kids enough about life and love when I was their substitute teacher. And I let them call me 'Hank.'


Bob McDonald

Blogging Teacher To Return To Work


Marvin Blair

Groups Oppose Perry's Prayer Meeting

Several groups, including the Texas ACLU, have voiced their opposition to Texas governor Rick Perry's participation in a day of Christian prayer and fasting this past weekend, saying it violates the separation of church and state. What do you think?

Well, the Constitution does bar the establishment of a state religion, but it also guarantees an individual's right to the free exercise of superstition, so it's a tricky case.


Clarice Bernier

Groups Oppose Perry's Prayer Meeting

As long as it's Christian prayer, I don't think it violated the separation of church and state.


Jerry Schuster

Groups Oppose Perry's Prayer Meeting

Why's everybody getting so worked up? All he's going to do is pray for stuff; it's not like anything is actually going to happen.


Lou Wilson

Solar Activity Has Electric Companies On Alert

Three large explosions on the surface of the sun may affect satellite technology, communication systems, and the power grid. What do you think?

These $50 Cosmic Irregularity surcharges that keep showing up on my electric bill are killing me.


Paula Ballard

This sounds like the perfect opportunity to talk nonstop about how analog I am. Bring it on!


Jocelyn Brower

Are Sack Lunches Unsafe?

A study published in the journal Pediatrics showed that most meats and vegetables parents packed in their children's lunches were not kept in a safe temperature range once at school. What do you think?

Maybe for poor kids. They can't afford air-conditioned lunch boxes.


Wayne Heneghan

Are Sack Lunches Unsafe?

I'm sick of all this overprotection. When I was a kid, I ate bag lunches every day, threw up all over Mrs. Sherman's third-grade class one time, never lived it down for my entire schooling, and developed deep, lifelong insecurity issues, just like a kid is supposed to.


Darren Flemons

Are Sack Lunches Unsafe?

There's no credible evidence to suggest our school lunches are getting warmer.


Theiry Reis

Magazine Sales Continue Downward Trend

Newsstand sales of magazines decreased 9.2 percent in the first half of 2011. What do you think?

Newsstands only use magazines as a loss leader to bolster sales of precious gum.


Hal Stamets

Magazine Sales Continue Downward Trend

That doesn't necessarily mean readership is down. In fact, a single copy of People is read by an average of 228 nail-salon customers.


Ella Reichert

Magazine Sales Continue Downward Trend

Publishers need to tailor their products to a younger audience—for example, by misspelling words, omitting or abusing punctuation, and keeping articles to a manageable 140-character length.


Rose Lewis

Iowa Straw Poll Saturday

The first major indicator of Republican presidential candidates' viability, the Iowa Straw Poll, takes place this Saturday. What do you think?

Hands down my favorite quadrennial GOP formality in the entire Midwest.


Mayer Brown

Iowa Straw Poll Saturday

Yeah, but the state is only one-third of the way through its candidate pancake-breakfast cycle, so I wouldn't read too much into it.


Stephen Hyde

Iowa Straw Poll Saturday

As a Santorum 2012 street team member, I can't tell you how excited I am that the merciful end is finally near.


Eric Davis

Bert And Ernie Not Gay

Reacting to an online petition calling for Muppets Bert and Ernie to marry, Sesame Street released a statement on its Facebook page explaining that the duo are just friends and do not have a sexual orientation. What do you think?

It seems like the show is missing a great opportunity to teach preschoolers about sex.


Zelma Wash

Bert And Ernie Not Gay

The petition-writers clearly don't know their Sesame Street history. The construction workers Biff and Sully were the ones who truly pushed an aggressive gay agenda in the 1970s.


Lew Williams

Bert And Ernie Not Gay

If you're looking for gay puppets, I just finished watching Sexame Streak and I highly recommend it.


Damon Chater

Pawlenty Drops Out

Following a poor showing in the Iowa straw poll, former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced Sunday he was no longer seeking to become the Republican nominee for president. What do you think?

I don't see how this is going to help his campaign at all.


Julie Steltmann

Pawlenty Drops Out

When Ron Paul beats you with hand-painted plywood signs left over from 2007, it's definitely time to pack it up.


Jay Diblasi

Pawlenty Drops Out

If he can't handle the results of some silly straw poll, how would he have handled bombing Iran? I need someone who can handle a straw poll and bomb Iran.


Denise Foreman

FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown

The Federal Communications Commission is looking into an incident last week in which Bay Area Rapid Transit allegedly shut down mobile phone service in an effort to prevent a protest over the BART police's second fatal shooting since 2009. What do you think?

I knew something terrible would come out of the police shooting innocent people.


Jim Wright

FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown

Damn right they should investigate. That whole thing ruined my chance to win Archers of Loaf tickets.


Halsey Chesterson

FCC Investigates BART Mobile Shutdown

If the investigation turns up a white iPhone, is there a number I can call to get it back?


Ian O'Brien

1 In 3 Twentysomethings Have Faked Calls

According to a new survey from the Pew Research Center, 30 percent of cell phones users aged 18 to 29 have feigned calls in the past month to avoid certain social situations. What do you think?

What I really hate is when they try to fool you by pretending their hand is a phone.


Mickey Taylor

Yeah, I'll admit it's a pretty convenient dodge. The only downside is getting socked with hefty fees when I go over my pretend minutes.


Regan Hill

Wow! Really? That's… Sorry, I've got to take this.


Sara Kingdom

Abercrombie & Fitch Institutes Reverse Sponsorship

As a publicity stunt, Abercrombie & Fitch has offered to pay Mike The Situation Sorrentino not to wear its clothing line, saying they believe an association with him is "contrary to the aspirational image of the brand."" What do you think?"

I've been not-wearing their clothes for decades and I haven't made a dime. And I'm a complete jerk-off. The world just doesn't make sense anymore.


Don Chaplett

Poor Abercrombie & Fitch. They're merely trying to sexualize young girls and subtly mock Asian people and The Situation has to come in and tarnish their good name.


Damon Wills

They tried that with Tara Reid and Kmart's Kathy Ireland line. Didn't work.


Stuart Jackson

'Extreme Couponing' Craze Increases Newspaper Theft

A TV show about extreme coupon use has been blamed for an uptick in the number of newspapers stolen from driveways, newstands, and coin-operated dispensers. What do you think?

You shouldn't judge until you've experienced the high that comes with saving 50 cents on a box of Hamburger Helper.


Sarah McCrimmon

I'll keep an eye out for anyone who seems to be buying more than their share of mayonnaise and Dr. Scholl's Corn and Bunion Pads.


Mitch Waterfield

I cut out the middleman and just steal the groceries I want.


Dominic Heriot

Qaddafi Regime Ends

Libyan rebels had captured most of Tripoli Monday, spelling the end of dictator Muammar Qaddafi's reign. What do you think?


Amy Lethbridge-Stewart

Qaddafi Regime Ends

This is a victory for the Libyan people. Just look at the jubilant crowds on the streets of Tripoli. I assume the women are enjoying quiet celebrations at home.


Keith Shaw

Qaddafi Regime Ends

I'm tired of countries not having the courtesy to contact people to reschedule their tourism-surgery before they have a revolution.


Sharon Grant

Lewis Out For MDA Telethon

Despite a report that Jerry Lewis and the Muscular Dystrophy Association had reconciled, for the first time in 45 years the comedian will not be hosting the group's annual Labor Day Telethon. What do you think?

Jerry Lewis is not doing the MDA telethon? Lewis, decorated for his achievements by the adoring French with the Croix d'Honneur des Téléthons Amusants?


Jayson Smith

Lewis Out For MDA Telethon

I, for one, can't wait to see the new, undoubtedly hilarious update starring Eddie Murphy.


Alex Denton

Lewis Out For MDA Telethon

Well, too late. I already spent all my money on normal kids.


Douglas Yates

Steve Jobs Resigns

Said to be in poor health, Apple CEO Steve Jobs stepped down late Wednesday. What do you think?

I thought I saw a new CEO in the Apple Store window display.


Rick Sullivan

Steve Jobs Resigns

I guess he just finally had to face the facts: The Samsung Galaxy Tab is a superior product.


Krysten Ekenberg

Steve Jobs Resigns

Oh, jeez, for a second there I thought you said Barnes & Noble CEO William J. Lynch, Jr. Thank God the future of the Nook is still in his visionary hands.


Kate Jameson

Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes

A Russian rocket carrying nearly 3 tons of supplies for the International Space Station crashed five minutes after takeoff, an accident expected to delay the return of astronauts to Earth. What do you think?

Why are they looking to us Earthlings to save them? They're the ones who left.


Carl Leeson

Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes

See, I would have launched the snacks and clothes in an initial light rocket, in order to make room in the second rocket for the heavy space couches.


Arthur Tamm

Space Station Supply Rocket Crashes

So, you're saying there's a chance they'll resort to space cannibalism? And they have webcams up there, right?


Adam Ward

New Species Count: 8.7 Million

According to a recent statistical analysis of Earth's biodiversity, there are currently 8.7 million different species on the planet. What do you think?

So we can lose the polar bears and it's no big deal, right?


Laura Waterhouse

New Species Count: 8.7 Million

I think that's a surprisingly even number for there not to be an intelligent designer behind it all.


Jim Sutton

New Species Count: 8.7 Million

It's great to finally have a fixed number. As an avid organism-watcher, I've already checked 383 species off my life list. And look, a dandelion—384! I'm getting closer.


Peter Jovanka

Half Of Adults Obese By 2030

According to the British medical journal The Lancet, 50 percent of Americans will be obese by 2030 based on current trends in diet, nutrition, and exercise. What do you think?

And they all called me crazy when I sunk my retirement funds into elastic futures.


Gretchen Turlough

Half Of Adults Obese By 2030

Not me. I'm going on a strict diet sometime in early 2022.


Michelle Obama

Half Of Adults Obese By 2030


Dorian Flood

Perry Became Millionaire In Politics

Since entering public office, Texas governor Rick Perry has profited from multiple land deals that, according to critics, were the result of his political connections. What do you think?

That shows the exact kind of corrupt savvy a president will need to get this country back on track.


Steve Brown

Perry Became Millionaire In Politics

I'm not buying it. Everybody knows Perry made his millions through a string of prudent livestock investments in the '80s.


Bernard Langford

Perry Became Millionaire In Politics

Yeah, exactly. Being a Texas governor is awesome.


Julie Aldred

Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug

An Iowa entomologist discovered a corn rootworm that has evolved to be resistant to a pesticide produced by a genetically modified corn plant the Monsanto company developed to ward off that very bug. What do you think?

That's why I always add extra pesticides to my produce the minute I get home.


Dan Holloway

Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug

Uh-oh, you don't want to make Monsanto angry. Those worms had better get ready to have their asses sued off.


Terry Tyler

Monsanto Corn Under Attack By Superbug

You sure are talking up these rootworms quite a bit. Whose side are you on, anyway?


Katie Smith

AT&T, T-Mobile Merger Faces Roadblock

The Department of Justice has filed an antitrust lawsuit to block the merger between mobile service providers AT&T and T-Mobile, saying it would increase prices and reduce innovation. What do you think?

It really wouldn't be fair to the competition if AT&T had cell phones and cell phone reception.


David Noble

AT&T, T-Mobile Merger Faces Roadblock

Oh, man, but I just thought of a great name for that company: AT&T-Mobile. I was going to sell that to them for a lot of money.


Kevin Jones

AT&T, T-Mobile Merger Faces Roadblock

I wonder if this jeopardizes my prepaid cellphone company TracFone's merger with Tri-City Check Cashing.


Keith Harkness

Obama Will Not Preempt Football

President Obama promised that Thursday's jobs address to Congress would not conflict with the NFL season opener between Green Bay and New Orleans. What do you think?

So, in terms of the most powerful branches of government, it now goes legislative, sporting, judicial, and executive?


Sarah Peth

Obama Will Not Preempt Football

Think of all the jobs he's sustaining in the beer-drinking, snack-eating, and obscenity-hurling sectors!


Marty Lake

Obama Will Not Preempt Football

This seems sort of pointless. Doesn't everyone in Congress have a job?


Tina Farisi

Post Office Nearly Bankrupt

With the U.S. Postal Service in danger of defaulting on a $5.5 billion payment due this month, a bailout will be necessary to ensure the mail is delivered. What do you think?

Listen, I have some thank-you notes I've been putting off. I'm not saying it's gonna solve everything, but I am saying I'm willing to do what I can.


Rich de Souza

Post Office Nearly Bankrupt

I guess I'd be okay with UPS delivering my mail. Of course, I'd have to take off time from work to be home to sign for it.


Corey Brooke

Post Office Nearly Bankrupt

They'd better solve this quick—October is gourmet-popcorn-catalog season!


Craig Mott

Smoking Rates Down

A report from the Centers for Disease Control showed that fewer Americans are smoking, and that those who do smoke are smoking less. What do you think?

Then doesn't the law of supply and demand say I shouldn't still be paying $7 for a goddamn pack of Camels?


Randy Cribbins

Smoking Rates Down

Now that you mention it, I have been receiving fewer invitations to cigarette parties.


Caitlin Duncan

Smoking Rates Down

This seems pretty selfish of the ladies. How are we going to find the next husky-voiced temptress of stage and screen if we don't have a robust pool to choose from?


Beth Popple

Crane Collapse Delays National Cathedral Repair

A 500-ton crane set up to repair earthquake damage at the National Cathedral in Washington collapsed Wednesday, damaging several cars and a nearby building, but sparing the church itself. What do you think?

Once again God expresses His disapproval of the sinful creations of Hollywood. Because, you know, they use cranes for shooting movies.


Chris Evans

I sense the intervention of a merciful God in this. Well, after He fucked up and let the earthquake damage the cathedral in the first place.


Tommy Innes

That other building wasn't Dr. Philips' Dental Clinic, was it? Because I have an appointment tomorrow morning.


Osamu Hall

New Mexico Governor's Grandparents Were Illegal Immigrants

Gov. Susana Martinez, who supports a bill that would prevent illegal immigrants from obtaining driver's licenses in New Mexico, has acknowledged her father's parents came to the United States without papers. What do you think?

That's why America is great. In just two generations, you can go from a being a struggling immigrant to hating one.


Thea Golding

If I were governor and they were my grandparents, I think I would have eventually given them their papers.


Marvin Staple

I refuse to answer your question, good sir, as it seems you are insinuating hypocrisy among an elected official. How dare you?


Jeff Malcom

U.S. Funding Video Games

According to University of Texas tax professor Calvin H. Johnson, the video game industry is one of the most heavily subsidized in the United States, a result of its unique position in software development, entertainment, and online retail. What do you think?

We need these subsidies if we want our video games to compete with popular foreign games like Madden Cricket League '12 and Grand Theft Peugeot.


Leticia Smart

U.S. Funding Video Games

Are you saying my unemployed son may actually be doing something productive by obsessively playing video games? No? You're not saying that at all?


Shelby Jolly

U.S. Funding Video Games

Now perhaps people will stop asking me what the hell I'm talking about when I say Madden NFL is the ethanol of video games.


Meredity Tulipana

Fast-Cut Cartoons May Reduce Children's Focus

In a recent study, children who watched SpongeBob SquarePants were less able to complete a problem-solving task than those who instead watched an educational cartoon or spent the time drawing. What do you think?

I know it's not ideal, but if my kid doesn't watch TV, then he might try and hug me.


Wallace Trower

Oh, jeez. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of children's needs diametrically opposing my favorite afternoon animated programming.


Trevor Malinowski

Yeah, but I don't want my son to turn into one of those weird drawing kids.


Jessie Carter

Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High

In 2010, the number of Americans living in poverty reached nearly one in six, the highest rate since 1993. What do you think?

One in six? Oh my god, that means I probably know someone who's poor.


Nick Mitchell

Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High

Well, maybe if waitresses in this country could learn what a whistle and finger-snap mean, then maybe they'd have a little extra pocket money.


Jon Rist

Poverty Rate Hits 17-Year High

But look at our standards of living. In 1993, not even a king would have been able to enjoy a vodka with Red Bull.


Gwenn Sikking

FBI Probing Johansson Phone Hack

The FBI is investigating the source of nude photos that were allegedly hacked from actress Scarlett Johansson's phone. What do you think?

This was obviously a bunch of slimy adult men. Zitty teenage boys would have gotten her bank account numbers.


Andrew Eden

FBI Probing Johansson Phone Hack

What about the NSA and CIA? We're talking about the integrity of an actress's phone, for Christ's sake!


Miguel Quade

FBI Probing Johansson Phone Hack

In the old days, J. Edgar Hoover would have already known about her pictures and had a file going.


John Mizell

FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice

The Food and Drug Administration has chastised Dr. Oz, accusing the TV physician of dispensing misleading and incorrect information when he expressed concerns over arsenic levels in apple juice. What do you think?

Is there really arsenic in apple juice? If so, that's a really good price for arsenic.


Brandi Simmons

FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice

Some boys will say anything to get out of drinking their juice.


Howard McDaniels

FDA, Dr. Oz Clash Over Apple Juice

The only way this can be satisfactorily resolved is to get some other telegenic doctor to proclaim that consuming small amounts of arsenic is fine.


Duane Volpato

Republicans Call Tax Proposal 'Class Warfare'

High-ranking Republicans, including chairman of the House Budget Committee Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), have spoken out against President Obama's proposed minimum tax rate for millionaires, decrying it as class warfare. What do you think?

I hope for their sake they're wrong, because America's broke people have the guns and the numbers in this fight.


Cathy Zumbi

I think Obama went a bit far when he proposed the tax-rate increase while holding the severed head of the son of the king of the upper class.


Rudy Salvagini

Wait, you're telling me there's a war the Republicans don't support?


Bonnie Wharton

Netflix Starts Qwikster

In an attempt to rebound from the public relations disaster of the company's poorly-rolled-out price increases, Netflix announced that its newly separate DVD service would be rebranded Qwikster. What do you think?

I can't explain it, but somehow this pointless name change has made me forget all about them doubling my subscription costs.


Tom Broadhurst

Netflix Starts Qwikster

Why Qwikster? Why not Streamster, or Bustaview? At least those names make sense.


Chad Northcliffe

Netflix Starts Qwikster

No! Don't fall for it! Qwikster is really Netflix, you guys!


John Busner

Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

A defunct 6-and-a-half-ton climate satellite is scheduled to crash into Earth on Friday, though scientists can't tell exactly when or where just yet. What do you think?

I'd better see where it lands if I'm going to stow away for its next trip.


Simon Dykes

Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

I better put the storm windows in. My wife'll kill me if space debris tears one of our screens.


Darcy Bloom

Satellite To Hit Earth This Week

Oh, wow, this is so much fun. My guess: Saskatchewan, 2:18 p.m., Friday. One death.


Amy Halward

Iran Frees American Hikers

Two American hikers who were captured and accused of spying when they strayed across the border into Iran have been freed after 26 months. What do you think?

Wait a second, the only way Iran would've let the hikers go is if they turned them into double agents. Just to be safe, we'd better lock them up when they get back.


Randy Watton

Iran Frees American Hikers

Those poor things. Just when they think their ordeal is over, they now have to find out how Lost ends.


Andrew Gray

Iran Frees American Hikers

Years in detainment far from home, sham charges against them, how could a nation do something like this?


Mike Grebleck

Gamers Succeed Where Scientists Couldn't

After trying for more than a decade to create a computer model for a protein key to the reproduction of HIV, scientists turned to online gamers, who completed the task in three weeks. What do you think?

Part of me wonders if Freddie Mercury would still be with us if they had brought this problem to Pong users in the '70s.


Carol Shelton

It wouldn't kill those scientists to spring for a couple cases of Mountain Dew for this.


Lucas Tremblay

Putin Moves To Return To Presidency

Former president and current prime minister Vladimir Putin of Russia announced at a meeting of his party that he would run for president again in 2012. What do you think?

I won't know if he's a good choice to lead again until I see an updated photo of him with his shirt off.


Colleen Wells

Putin Moves To Return To Presidency


Lou Dunford

Putin Moves To Return To Presidency

Dmitry Medvedev? More like Dmitry Medvebitch. Get it? Because that guy is totally Putin's bitch! Look, they can't all fit easily into the actual names.


Darcy Roach

Doritos Creator Dies

Arch West, the Frito-Lay marketing executive credited with inventing the Dorito snack chip, died at 97. What do you think?

Dammit. It's getting harder and harder by the day for a girl to snare a snack pioneer.


Torrens

Doritos Creator Dies

To make it to 97 I'm guessing he erred more on the side of Doritos-creating than Doritos-consuming.


Pete Decoutere

Doritos Creator Dies

I bet that guy's car was a complete mess all the time.


Rick Dunn

Insurance Costs Outstrip Wage Increases

The cost of health insurance premiums in the United States rose 9 percent this year, nearly three times the rate of increase seen in 2010. What do you think?


Julian Smith

Insurance Costs Outstrip Wage Increases

I'm pretty sure the finger can be pointed directly at my neighbor, who gets colonoscopies like they're going out of style.


Sarah Harrison

Insurance Costs Outstrip Wage Increases

Yesterday that would have worried me, but this morning I found a similar lump on the opposite breast, so I'm cool.


Beth Parsons

Scientists Augment Brain With Computer

Scientists at Tel Aviv University have implanted an artificial cerebellum in rats that can restore functioning to those with damaged brains. What do you think?

I have no idea what they're trying to do, but I'm guessing it's not going to end well for the Palestinians.


Peter Thompson

Scientists Augment Brain With Computer

It sounds like they stopped trying to solve the whole cancer thing in favor of working on this, which I support because my brain is damaged.


Wallace Jackson

Scientists Augment Brain With Computer

Now let someone try to stop me from hitting myself in the head with this log.


Paul Bowles

Occupy Wall Street Growing

Last week, Occupy Wall Street, the movement attempting to shine a light on corporate excess and greed, was joined by United Airlines pilots, Metropolitan Transit Authority workers, and Michael Moore. What do you think?

Finally, something to do in the Financial District after 6 p.m.


Lauren James

Occupy Wall Street Growing

I assume you're stopping me because you saw my great protest sign and now you want to ask me how I got the glitter to stay on the poster board without falling off. I'll never tell you my secrets.


David Green

Occupy Wall Street Growing

I don't think the protests will accomplish much unless they have signs. Wait, do they have signs?!


Geoff Neeley

New NPR Head Comes From 'Sesame Street'

National Public Radio announced Sunday that its new CEO would be Gary Knell, CEO of the Sesame Workshop, home of Sesame Street. What do you think?

Shoot. I was really hoping they would hire Catherine Sanchez, executive director of fundraising and donor relations at WQED Pittsburgh.


Violet Anderson

New NPR Head Comes From 'Sesame Street'

As the type of person who ascribes sexual orientations to children's puppets, I'm sure this person is just another left-wing nut who will only further NPR's liberal agenda.


Andy Elliman

New NPR Head Comes From 'Sesame Street'

Just to make sure, somebody's running Sesame Street now, right?


Diane Eickelberg

Koch Brothers Made Illegal Sales To Iran

Bloomberg News reported Monday that billionaire brothers Charles and David Koch illegally used German and Italian subsidiaries to sell oil equipment to Iran, a nation classified by the U.S. as a sponsor of global terrorism. What do you think?

But think how it would look if the guys who started up Americans for Prosperity weren't prospering.


Corey Hageman

What are you, some kind of Pollyanna who never ran a hustle through a foreign subsidiary before?


Mike Davies

Well, you don't get where the Kochs are by being nice. They make Stainmaster carpet. Know how they test the stain resistance?


Tom Crecine

Steve Jobs Dead

Apple announced on its website yesterday that company founder Steve Jobs had died. What do you think?

I hope Apple remembered to ask him for a few more ideas.


Don Tevanian

Steve Jobs Dead

iCan't believe he's gone. Hey, when you run this, can you put a lowercase 'i' in front of it, so it looks like an Apple product name?


Irene Mandich

Steve Jobs Dead

I'm already getting tired of that commercial where John Hodgman brags about how he's a PC and is alive.


Danielle Paget

NBC Cancels 'Playboy Club'

After airing three episodes, NBC is dropping its retro series The Playboy Club, making it the first cancellation of the TV season. What do you think?

But I've already put three hours into that show! Sometimes I have to wonder if life is worth it.


Larry Swarts

NBC Cancels 'Playboy Club'

I gave it a shot, but it turned out not to be a police procedural. Do you know if it's going to be replaced by a police procedural?


Greg Bergmann

NBC Cancels 'Playboy Club'

Was it the best show in the world? Of course not. But did it at least deserve a chance? Absolutely not.


Dale Kilmister

Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs

Nestlé aired a pet food ad on Austrian television that consisted of blips and high-pitched noises meant to attract dogs. What do you think?

My dog is way too jaded by our society's rampant commercialism to ever fall for a commercial like that.


Petra Wallis

Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs

I guess it does make sense to target one of the few demographics with zero percent unemployment.


Kevin Fox

Nestlé Creates Ad For Dogs

Wouldn't they have more luck if they put a sexy lady dog in the ad?


Shannon Brown

Texas Pastor Calls Mormonism Cult

After introducing Gov. Rick Perry during a campaign stop, megachurch pastor Robert Jeffress drew criticism when he referred to Mormonism as a cult. What do you think?

Well, who better to spot a cult than a Texan messenger of God?


Jennifer Cargill

Texas Pastor Calls Mormonism Cult

I'm sure Mr. Perry's supporters will soon set him straight.


Jimmy Wynette

Texas Pastor Calls Mormonism Cult

Seems like a stretch. I mean, Mitt Romney and Harry Reid don't even have matching sneakers or anything.


'Joe The Plumber' Running For Congress

Samuel "Joe"" Wurzelbacher

who came to prominence after questioning Barack Obama's economic policies during the 2008 presidential campaign

has filed papers to run for Congress in Ohio. What do you think?"

This is so exciting! This good an opportunity to waste your vote doesn't come along very often.


'Joe The Plumber' Running For Congress

Samuel "Joe"" Wurzelbacher

He has a formidable opponent in Marcy 'The Congresswoman' Kaptur.


'Joe The Plumber' Running For Congress

Samuel "Joe"" Wurzelbacher


Charles Wolff

Christie Endorses Romney

New Jersey governor Chris Christie announced he would support Mitt Romney's candidacy for president. What do you think?

It's statements like that which lead me to believe Christie's still open to a bid for the White House in 2012. Run, Christie, run!


Alex Cafritz

Christie Endorses Romney


Monica Bert

Christie Endorses Romney

Does 'Romney and Christie' sound like two running mates on a presidential ticket? Maybe not. Does 'Romney and Christie' sound like one of the best goddamn '70s throwback duos we've seen in a while? Hell yes! I'm going to vote for them and hope they know that's why!


Carrie Lemos

Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence

Following a dispute between city and county officials over who should pay to prosecute offenders, the Topeka City Council voted to decriminalize misdemeanor domestic violence. What do you think?

I can't afford to bail him out again, so I guess my asshole husband and I are moving to Kansas.


Kevin Salerno

Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence

This wouldn't even be a problem if they had just criminalized back talk.


Mark Southerland

Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence

But it being illegal was the most fun part about beating my wife.


Henry Dodge

Cain's 9-9-9 Plan Would Cost Average Americans More

An analysis has shown Republican candidate Herman Cain's tax plan, which would levy a flat rate of 9 percent on all incomes, sales, and business profits, would cost average Americans substantially more than they pay now. What do you think?

Look, getting America out of this recession demands we all share the bold, written-on-the-back-of-a-napkin sacrifice Cain has proposed.


Emily Doty

I for one don't mind paying more taxes for the greater good of sheer mathematical elegance.


Simon Tallmadge

Did someone just say the same number three times? I love it when that happens! Do it again!


Jake Dewey

Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals

According to researchers, warmer, drier climates are leading to smaller animals, which may disrupt the food chain. What do you think?

I think it's a little premature to say this isn't just part of the earth's natural animal-size cycles.


Dorothy Catlin

Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals

Fine by me. I've been wanting to own a flushable shark for ages.


John Farwell

Climate Change Causing Smaller Animals

I'm still going to yell at the polar bears in the zoo to lose some weight.


Emma Barstow

California Doctors Endorse Marijuana Legalization

The California Medical Association reached an agreement this weekend calling for marijuana's legalization, which the group said would allow the drug to be prescribed with greater understanding. What do you think?

Say no more. I'm going home right now to give my kids some marijuana.


Will MacArthur

My doctor wrote me a recommendation for medical marijuana. Not because it treats my various ailments, though, but because he feels sorry for me. I've never been too sure how to take that.


Harvey Bashford

My father died of stomach cancer and he didn't need pot.


Steve Lewis

Qaddafi Killed

Former Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi has reportedly been killed in or near his hometown of Sirte. What do you think?

It may have taken longer than expected, but the rebels never wavered in their determination to shoot at anything, and it finally paid off.


Douglas Fairchild

Qaddafi Killed

Hooray, Tripoli is going to have a parade!


Laura Washburn

Qaddafi Killed

First Steve Jobs, now Muammar Qaddafi? It truly seems all of the great pioneers are dying at the same time.


Brandi Washburn

Lions, Tigers Killed In Ohio

After a man in Zanesville, OH released 56 exotic creatures—including lions, tigers, bears, and monkeys—and then took his own life, sheriff's deputies were forced to hunt down and in most cases kill the animals. What do you think?

Will they be selling the meat? The man's, I mean. I could never eat an elephant.


Lou Taylor

Lions, Tigers Killed In Ohio

The guy could've killed two birds with one stone if he had just let the animals maul him a little on their way out.


Scott Ludington

Lions, Tigers Killed In Ohio

'What kind of idiot opens a taxidermy shop in Zanesville?' they all said. Well, ha, ha, suckers!


Nick Randall

Town Seeks To Criminalize Walking And Biking

Officials in the town of Hull, WI are considering an ordinance requiring walkers and cyclists on certain roads to register their trips in advance. What do you think?

I like the safety and convenience of being chauffeured by helicopter as much as the next guy, but sometimes it's nice to just stretch your legs a bit.


Craig Harvey

Well, that's some good news. I've been getting pretty tired of all the damn pedihooliganism around here.


Beth Salomon

It's a way to solve the ongoing mystery of people who walk along the shoulders of highways. Really, why are they there? Where do they come from? Where are they going?


Martin Peck

Another U.S. Downgrade Looming

Due to the inability of Congress to make any long-term budget fixes, experts are predicting another credit-rating downgrade for the United States. What do you think?

Will the national economy still be all right? I have $20 in there.


Dana Upham

Another U.S. Downgrade Looming

Man, I should have off-loaded my last shred of optimism months ago when it was still worth something.


Miles Scofield

Another U.S. Downgrade Looming

You know, I'm beginning to dislike the credit-rating agencies' new policy of assigning ratings based on actual economic realities.


Samantha LaFollette

MTV's Occupy Wall Street

MTV has put out a casting call for a member of the Occupy Wall Street protests to join its cast of The Real World. What do you think?

I bet feathers will fly when he or she is forced to room with a surprise guest: the ex-CEO of Bear Stearns!


Kevin Davidson

MTV's Occupy Wall Street

I guess MTV's Smart House starring Paul Krugman and Glenn Greenwald fell through.


Andy McGovern

MTV's Occupy Wall Street

I'm 32 but people are always telling me how disenfranchised I look! Now's my time!


Keith Philipp

Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S.

Debris from the Japanese tsunami in March is now approaching Hawaii and is predicted to hit the West Coast of the U.S. in three years. What do you think?

Oh, no! You're telling me that it's just a matter of time before slightly more shit washes up onto Venice Beach?


Oren Blaine

Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S.

Crap, all the good stuff will probably be gone by then.


Vicky Zimmerman

Tsunami Debris Approaching U.S.

At least that gives me enough time to prepare my daughter before all the bloated and rotting Hello Kitty corpses wash ashore.


Emily Kohler

Wal-Mart Shutters New York Fashion Presence

Two years after relocating its fashion offices to New York, retail giant Wal-Mart announced it was moving the division back to Arkansas. What do you think?

It's about time they stopped chasing all those big-city fashion trends like zippers.


Drew LaFollete

They shouldn't feel too bad. Wal-Mart certainly isn't the first multinational corporation to pack its failed New York dreams into a beat-up old suitcase and buy a one-way ticket back home.


Tom Schmederman

That's great! I always enjoy hearing about history's most profitable corporations finding various ways to save money.


Andy Heil

Population Reaches 7 Billion

According to the United Nations, the population of Earth will reach 7 billion today. What do you think?

I liked it more back when it was just 4 billion. A lot more neighborly.


Tricia Loomis

Population Reaches 7 Billion

We should do something to celebrate. What's everybody doing later tonight?


Dale Goodland

Population Reaches 7 Billion

That's a lot of people. Maybe now my kids will understand what I mean when I tell them they're not special.


Earl Lucey

Black Licorice Linked To Irregular Heartbeat

A chemical compound in black licorice has been found to lower potassium in the blood and may cause irregular heartbeats. What do you think?

Black licorice? What about horehound drops? Or rum balls? Has anyone thought to check on root beer barrels?


Gwen Schreiber

This is what Twizzlers gets for trying to save money and not lobby the FDA this year.


John Dreyfus

I should probably stop prescribing it to my patients then.


Rebecca Earl

Anonymous Targets Drug Cartel

Claiming one of its members has been kidnapped by Mexico's Zetas cartel, the hacker group Anonymous has threatened to publish names, photos, and addresses of the drug ring's supporters if the alleged abductee is not released. What do you think?

I have a feeling a bunch of people in one of these two groups are going to get their heads cut off.


Dean Thompson

Anonymous Targets Drug Cartel

I should warn my cousin—I think he smokes the pot.


Arthur McCallum

Anonymous Targets Drug Cartel

This is one fight I definitely am not going to get in the middle of.


Adam Sellins

Painkiller Overdose Deaths At Record High

Records show that in 2008, overdose deaths from painkillers surged to 15,000, more than from heroin and cocaine combined. What do you think?

Well, if all those crybabies stopped going, 'Wah, wah, wah! My shattered kneecap hurts. Gimme pills!' we wouldn't have this problem.


Keith Starzelski

I've always just stuck to huffing. Is anyone dying from that? Because I really love it and have no plans to stop.


Frieda Chavez

Yeah, that was so 2008, after Heath Ledger's death and all. Now complications from pancreatic cancer is totally the hip way to go.


Meagan Vicks

Satire Mag Burned For Muhammad Cartoon

Hours before publishing a depiction of the Prophet Muhammad on its cover, the French satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo had its offices firebombed. What do you think?

Maybe if cartoonists depicted Muhammad as a little better-looking, Muslims would stop being so outraged.


Stanley Meadows

Satire Mag Burned For Muhammad Cartoon

I'll have to reserve judgment until I read the actual article.


Jill Hargreaves

Satire Mag Burned For Muhammad Cartoon

Can't Carla Bruni's beauty step in to arbitrate?


Louis Rosher

Greenhouse Gases Worse Than Worst Prediction

Global greenhouse gas emissions saw their biggest single-year jump ever between 2009 and 2010, exceeding worst-case scenario projections with an increase of 564 million tons. What do you think?

If only scientists had made more pessimistic predictions, then this would be good news.


Alice DeVinna

Oh, man, since everyone was wrong, then the pot for the next round of greenhouse predictions is going to be huge!


Dennis Struss

Well, hopefully that will light a fire under science's ass to step up the development of human gills.


Michael Cruikshank

Chicken Pox Lollipops Ineffective

Health officials are warning that a recent parenting trend of giving children a lollipop licked by a child with chicken pox instead of using a vaccine is not only ineffective, but also poses numerous other health risks. What do you think?

That is ridiculous. Everyone knows sharing the same toilet seat works far better.


Jill Lewis

Chicken Pox Lollipops Ineffective

Additionally, kissing a broken arm is not adequate treatment for such an injury. You have to rub it with a half-eaten Big Mac from someone else who has a broken arm.


Jason Kirkland

Chicken Pox Lollipops Ineffective

Besides getting chicken pox, the only other risk I foresee is getting stuck with a green lollipop. Turns your whole damn mouth green. Sick.


Heather Farquhar

Store-Bought Honey May Be Dangerous

More than three quarters of the honey on American store shelves may have been smuggled in from China and could be tainted with heavy metals and antibiotics, according to a Food Safety News investigation. What do you think?

That's why I only eat honey I've harvested myself, and that's also why I've never eaten any honey.


Pat Cunnington

Store-Bought Honey May Be Dangerous

What about Fluff? Please say there's no tainted Fluff on my American grocery shelves.


Lance Jamrozy

Store-Bought Honey May Be Dangerous

This is bad and all, but I'd sure like to meet a Chinese honey smuggler.


Rich Chavez

Berlusconi To Step Down

Having lost the support of his coalition in Parliament, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi—the dominant force in Italian politics for nearly two decades—announced he would resign following the passage of new budget reforms. What do you think?

At least he'll get to spend more time with his family and his family's friends' daughters.


Jacob Reuther

Berlusconi To Step Down

Herman Cain is running for office in the wrong country.


Fawn Donahue

Berlusconi To Step Down

He's such an active man, what could he possibly do in retirement? Does he have any hobbies or interests?


Christine Goldberg

Hoover Biopic Opens Today

Clint Eastwood's film J. Edgar, starring Leonardo DiCaprio as controversial FBI head J. Edgar Hoover, opens today. What do you think?

Oooh, I can't wait to finally find out what the 'J' stands for.


Josh Hillman

Hoover Biopic Opens Today

I wish the studios would actually pay attention to their customers and hear our cries for a movie about the life and times of former Commerce Secretary Sinclair Weeks.


Marlon Rustin

Hoover Biopic Opens Today

Oliver Stone, you mean. Oliver Stone directed this, right?


Mark Krebbs

Crystal Returns To Oscars

After Eddie Murphy backed out of hosting the Academy Awards last week, his fellow Saturday Night Live alum Billy Crystal agreed once again to assume Oscar-emcee duties. What do you think?

I was hoping they were just going to cancel the Oscars this year.


Louise Tenner

Crystal Returns To Oscars

Naturally. I saw him in The Princess Bride just the other day, and boy is he looking great!


Liam Garrett

Crystal Returns To Oscars

It looks like Crystal's plan for branching out into other national motion picture awards ceremonies didn't pan out.


John Hamson

Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

Thieves stole a 3-foot copper sword from the tomb of Abraham Lincoln's final resting place in Springfield, IL. What do you think?


Kimberly Wills

Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

The prophecy says that whoever wields Lincoln's sword, Grant's revolver, and Reagan's Levi's will lead the Republican nation to a prosperous 1,000-year reign.


Chris Endeacott

Sword Stolen From Lincoln's Tomb

Thanks for letting me know. I'll spread the word to all my secessionist scrap metal buddies.


Jessica Serota

Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

According to a study from The New York Times, the loosening of state laws across the country has made it much easier for convicted felons to obtain guns legally. What do you think?

Aw, throw them a bone. It's not like they can vote, so they need a way to represent themselves.


Frank Scharpling

Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

If I wanted to hear someone on my case about carrying a gun, I wouldn't have shot my court-appointed therapist.


Jack Ralston

Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

Ooh, now I know what to get my felon brother-in-law for Christmas. Thanks!


Luke Avsec

NASA Seeking Astronauts

Faced with a potential shortfall of qualified personnel, NASA is currently accepting new applications for its astronaut-training program. What do you think?

Perfect! I've had a hard time finding work, and it would be nice to keep the family in Houston.


Keith Hoenes

NASA Seeking Astronauts

I've always dreamed of going into space. Then I wipe the sweat off my brow and try to get back to sleep.


Rebecca McClain

NASA Seeking Astronauts

In the application, can you state that, instead of being sent to Mars, you'd prefer being miniaturized and injected into someone's bloodstream?


Jackie Renn

China Uneasy About American Troop Deployment

A recent American plan to place 2,500 Marines in Australia has fanned tensions between the United States and China. What do you think?

Geez, we invade a few dozen countries in our short history and people really start getting paranoid.


Tony Harlan

But do we know which way the troops will be facing?


Claude Brand

This sends a clear message to the Chinese that we're willing to put a completely inconsequential number of troops some 2,600 miles from their border, so they'd better watch out.


John Hayes

U.S. Births Drop Again

The number of births in the United States dropped for the third consecutive year in 2010, with birthrates in many age groups hitting an all-time low. What do you think?


Anne Barry

U.S. Births Drop Again

Yeah, everyone is really cramming in the abortions before the Roberts court takes another look at Roe v. Wade.


Peter Black

U.S. Births Drop Again

Guess that means Anne Geddes will just have to start dipping into the ugly baby pool.


Nathan Castle

Russian Hackers Target Water Supply

A water pump in Illinois was damaged when hackers took control of it earlier this month. What do you think?

I wouldn't get too caught up in theories of deliberate sabotage. Water Pump Systems Control for Windows 95 contains tons of glitches.


Quinn Stephens

Russian Hackers Target Water Supply

Did they use the water pump's birthday to log in? You'd be surprised how often that works.


Sam Meyer

Russian Hackers Target Water Supply

Perhaps the tourism board should stop using 'Illinois: Where Hacking Is Easy' as its overseas marketing slogan.


Mary Lance

Budget Super Committee A Bust

Tasked with finding $1.2 trillion worth of deficit cuts to be spread over the next 10 years, the budget super committee in Congress announced this week it had failed to reach a compromise. What do you think?

Well, of course they failed; this was a job for a mega task force or even an ultra commission, but not a super committee.


Marcus Candelara

Budget Super Committee A Bust


Don Whitfield

Budget Super Committee A Bust

Plus, they added an extra $42 billion to the budget to pay for the state-of-the-art Super Committee Secret Fortress they had built inside Roosevelt's head at Mount Rushmore.


Glen Cook

Record Sales Expected For Cyber Monday

Cyber Monday, the first Monday after the Thanksgiving holiday, is expected to bring in record online sales this year. What do you think?

It better be worth it. I've been camped out in front of my laptop for a week.


Angela Layton

Record Sales Expected For Cyber Monday

If you do your holiday shopping from the comfort of your home, you can hit your kid without any sass from other customers.


Josh Noel

Record Sales Expected For Cyber Monday

It's great that holiday shoppers are finally discovering the same ease and convenience of online purchasing we anal-bead aficionados have enjoyed for years.


John Jackson

Canada Keeps Marijuana Illegal

Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper announced last week he would not decriminalize and tax marijuana, despite calls to do so from the current mayor and four former mayors of Vancouver. What do you think?

I'm impressed that Vancouver's pothead mayor remembers who the Prime Minister is.


Barbara Langmaid

Canada Keeps Marijuana Illegal

He'll change his mind once he starts getting heat from the Visine lobby.


Jim Norris

Canada Keeps Marijuana Illegal

As a pot-smoking enthusiast, I think the continued ban on weed is outrageous. Also, as a pot-smoking enthusiast, I think the continued ban on weed is outrageous.


Cynthia Nash

Scientists Create Lightest Material

A group of scientists in California has created a new material that is 100 times lighter than Styrofoam. What do you think?

Great. I'm looking forward to weighing it.


Gerry Berrin

Scientists Create Lightest Material

Oh, good! I've actually been thinking lately about how hard it is to lift Styrofoam.


Don Lawson

Scientists Create Lightest Material

This is fantastic news for the novelty barbell industry.


Kevin Crispiano

U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume

A five-year ban on the butchering of horses for meat has expired, meaning slaughterhouses can once more process horses for human consumption. What do you think?

Yuck! What have they been putting in my horse cakes?


Hector Velez

U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume

Hey, everybody complaining about excessive government regulation, the Obama administration hears you. Now go eat some horse meat.


Katie Steinweiss

U.S. Horse Slaughter To Resume

This opens the door for Roy Rogers to bring back the Triggerburger.


Kathryn Butin

20 Percent Of American Homes 'Underwater'

According to a study from the Santa Ana, CA research firm CoreLogic, one in five homes in the United States are worth less than what their purchasers owe on them. What do you think?

That's impossible. My house wasn't worth anything to begin with.


Sam McDonell

Have they tried putting cinnamon sticks on the stove?


Casey Prindle

This is exactly why I live with my parents. Their home value always remains something I have absolutely nothing to do with or am responsible for.


Josh Jones

Cain Drops Out

After a Georgia woman came forward and claimed she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain, the former Godfather's Pizza CEO announced he would suspend his campaign for the presidency. What do you think?

That's too bad. He was a serious contender to be president of the United States.


Kenneth Guy

Cain Drops Out

If Herman Cain's entire presidential campaign was engineered solely as an elaborate ruse for a business executive to scapegoat the news media for his serial marital infidelities, I say, brilliant, brilliant work, sir.


Denise Sugarman

Cain Drops Out

Wow. It takes a special kind of extramarital affair to break up a run for president. She must really be something else.


Lawrence Kinney

Android Phones May Be Harvesting Data

A developer discovered a hard-to-detect bit of software on Android phones that tracks your location, phone calls, and text messages, and report them back to its maker. What do you think?

What a relief! Now I can stop writing down detailed accounts of my day to send to my phone company.


Sandy Nielsen

Android Phones May Be Harvesting Data

Oh, great. When the network gains consciousness, it's going to have atrocious grammar.


Arthur Johnson

Android Phones May Be Harvesting Data

I see nothing that could go wrong and lead to a dystopian society here! Doo doo doo. Off to work!


Frank Alger

Two New Elements To Be Named

The International Union of Pure Applied Chemistry unveiled two new elements last week, tentatively named flerovium and livermorium. What do you think?

I was about to give up on science and become religious. This is just the kind of thing I need to keep my interest! Go science!


Alexandra Zigmunt

Two New Elements To Be Named

Son of a bitch! I should have known there was some sneaky reason that stack of periodic tables was so cheap.


Roy Craig

Two New Elements To Be Named

I was wondering when they'd add a new element and finally get the bad taste of roentgenium out of my mouth. What a shitty element that was.


Karen Blanck

Teen Sexting Not As Prevalent As Thought

A study published in the journal Pediatrics revealed that only one in 100 teens had sent nude or sexually explicit images via phone, as opposed to the previous estimate of one in five. What do you think?

Is it okay if I pretend that statistic doesn't exist? You see, I'm a producer for a nationally televised morning news show.


Dean Harris

Makes sense. Most kids today are too fat to fit themselves into the frame.


Martin Hannah

I could've told you that. Man, my kids are never gonna get laid.


Alex Marsh

Bee Species Rediscovered

Scientists from the University of California–Riverside announced they have rediscovered a bumblebee that was last seen in 1956. What do you think?

Talk to me about honey. How much of it is there and how sweet? With bees that's all I want to know.


Rich Hooper

Bee Species Rediscovered

Two questions immediately arise. First, why were they so elusive for so long? Second, is there one on me?


Janel Savage

Bee Species Rediscovered

Yeah, the Cockerell's bumblebee—sorry about that. They were trapped between my screen door and front door for a few decades, and I just recently got up the nerve to let the angry things out.


Kathleen Patterson

Euro Crisis Hits Rock

Some rock bands, including the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Metallica, have changed the dates of their tours to ensure payment in the event the euro collapses. What do you think?

Those guys have enough money. I'm sure traditional gifts like wooden shoes or cheese wheels would mean more to them anyhow.


Marty Scipio

Euro Crisis Hits Rock

God, I hope this doesn't mean they're going to be in the U.S. all summer.


Rick Gonsales

Euro Crisis Hits Rock

Well, it's good at least to hear that Metallica's still out there doing what they love most: ensuring they get their goddamn money.


Sam Thompson

2011: The Economy

This year, the struggling economy once again dominated headlines, and most of the news was bad. How has the slow recovery affected you?

We went to the park as a family the other day to save money instead of doing something else. The park, of all places.


Mary Sue Risbrook

2011: The Economy

It made me grateful for what I do have: a dog, a one-room apartment, and some pans.


Michael Ward

2011: The Economy

Our family makes our own soda now. So, two of my kids died this year.


Brian Alexander

2011: International

This year saw political unrest in the Middle East and Russia, economic crisis in Europe, and a former president of the Ivory Coast on trial in the Hague. What do you think the biggest international story of the year was?

The European debt crisis worries me, just because Germany tends to start wars on six continents whenever it gets itself into a financial bind.


Sarah Swilley

2011: International

Everyone's food is too spicy. And they speak English wrong. Next time I'm keeping my vacation dollars in Indiana where they belong.


Orlando Pé

2011: International

Do I win money if I guess the right news story? What about if I guess it wrong? Can I have money then?


Denise Mustian

2011: Entertainment

Though box office receipts, TV ratings, and music sales went down, 2011 was still a banner year for video games and streaming video. What entertainment did you enjoy this year?

Oh, I became a huge asshole about jazz this year.


Luis Winstead

2011: Entertainment

Women's roller derby is a sport, thank you very much, and if I'm not listening to rockabilly music, then I'm out watching the girls tangle it up.


Rick Bradley

2011: Entertainment

My brother and I rather enjoy this parlor game where we shove a cat off a stool.


Karen Agnew

2011: Technology

Many technological breakthroughs occurred in 2011. In your opinion, what was the biggest achievement?

There's that service on the iPhone that just tells you where the nearest Taco Bell is. I think it's called Siri.


David Williams

2011: Technology

Speaking as one of those people who can't open a kitchen cabinet without having several colanders fall on his head, that Chef Basket looks exciting.


Oren Kand

2011: Technology

Have you seen that new bat-wing drone Iran has? So awesome!


Lindsay Everett

2011: Politics

Party brinksmanship in Congress has led to the government nearly shutting down on multiple occasions this year. Are you worried about a federal shutdown in 2012?

I'm very worried about a government shutdown. Then again, I'm also worried about the rise of Sharia law in Pensacola, FL, so you should take my fears with a grain of salt.


John Boehner

2011: Politics

No, of course not, assuming our Democratic colleagues have the sense to come to the bargaining table in good faith this time.


Harry Reid

2011: Politics

No, of course not, assuming our Republican colleagues have the sense to come to the bargaining table in good faith this time.


Patty Schilder

Happy New Year

The New Year is full of promise and mystery. How did you ring in 2012?

Can you just write that I did a drinking motion with my hand, winked, and said, 'No comment'? And can you say that you laughed?


Derek Reutershan

Happy New Year

I'm not gay or anything, but I did have a celebratory smooch with the other guy stealing copper wire out of that abandoned warehouse.


Xavier Song

Happy New Year


Frank Mikulak

President Signs Controversial Defense Bill

Despite having fought against many of its provisions, President Obama signed a defense appropriations bill that allows the military to detain American citizens indefinitely. What do you think?

I don't see why this even matters. Why would we need to detain American citizens indefinitely when we already have the authority to shoot missiles at them from drones?


Amanda Watson

Yes, but to be fair, he gave up because it was easier.


Sean Almeida

I wonder what all those guys Obama beat out for the Nobel Peace Prize are doing now.


Rick Beals

Some Organics Not Green

As they ramp up production to meet the demands of a growing market, some organic farms are coming under scrutiny for agricultural practices that may do more harm to the land than good. What do you think?

This is precisely why I've stuck all these years to synthetic carrots.


Anne Kremer

Some Organics Not Green

I've been skeptical of the 'organic' label for a long time. How can one know for certain whether Whole Foods organic sandwich cookies are grown on pesticide-free land and rotated with other organic crops, such as ice-cream waffle cones?


Matthew Marlin

Some Organics Not Green

I beg to differ. If you'll notice, right below the word 'organic' there's often a cartoon of a very pleasant valley with a smiling sun and a bunny. See?


Gabrielle Davis

Fracking Causing Earthquakes?

Fracking wastewater is being blamed for several recent Youngstown, OH earthquakes, including one that reached a magnitude of 4.0. What do you think?

There is simply no science I will ever choose to believe in that supports that idea.


Wallace Schneider

Fracking Causing Earthquakes?

Don't worry, the U.S. Geological Survey is devising ways to solve the problem. In the meantime, we'll just have to put up with private corporations compromising the ancient bedrock underneath the North American continent's surface.


Steve Bergman

Fracking Causing Earthquakes?

Well, then, fudge that fracking fricking son-of-a-beach wastewater, if it helps you feel better.


Rose Smith

Perry Stays In Race

Despite a disappointing fifth-place finish in the Iowa caucus, Texas governor Rick Perry decided to stay in the Republican presidential race. What do you think?

Well, you can't expect every candidate to be as reasonable as Michele Bachmann.


Simon Dempsey

Perry Stays In Race

Why is everyone so surprised that a guy named Rick won't take no for an answer?


Doug Hartley

Perry Stays In Race

You can't blame him. Coming in fifth out of six is way better than he did in school, and look how far he's gone since then.


Drake Evans

First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born

Scientists reported in the journal Cell the first successful birth of a monkey composed of stem cells from six different monkey embryos. What do you think?

No one should play God with monkeys. Unless it is Hanuman, the Hindu monkey god. He gets a pass.


Dana Thorsen

First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born

Wow, that's amazing. Imagine having the hat-stealing abilities of six monkeys!


Mr. Bobo

First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born

I love how suddenly the successful birth of a monkey with stem cells from only five different monkey embryos isn't a big deal anymore. Now I'm yesterday's news, Cell?


Dudley Perko

Will Google, Facebook Stage Blackout Protest?

A number of Internet companies, including Google, Facebook, Amazon, Wikipedia, and Twitter, have reportedly considered a coordinated blackout of services to protest the controversial Stop Online Piracy Act. What do you think?

Wow. It would be hard to imagine a day without Google or Facebook. I guess it would be like that time when my girlfriend and I biked out to the abandoned rail corridor and we had a picnic and we saw a couple wild turkeys.


Bailey Taylor

How about everybody just throw the other side a bone by zipping on over to Best Buy and purchasing a DVD or two? That might go a long ways towards heading this off.


Thomas Jones

Sigh. I guess I'll just have to spend that day meeting underage girls the old-fashioned way, by becoming a trusted authority figure they can't say no to.


Misty Ludovico

Romney Wins New Hampshire

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney won New Hampshire's Republican primary yesterday. What do you think?

Well, keep in mind Mitt's had years more practice guzzling maple syrup for the delight of local media.


Bart Harrington

Romney Wins New Hampshire

It was a big win, don't get me wrong, but it would have been a lot closer if Ron Paul's supporters had emerged from their backwoods, anti-government fundamentalist compounds to vote.


Troy Goss

Romney Wins New Hampshire


Gretchen Hazelmyer

Hostess Files For Bankruptcy

Hostess, the manufacturer of such American food staples as Wonder Bread, the Twinkie, and the Ding Dong, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What do you think?

I'm certainly not surprised. Look at the rising cost of Polyoxyethylene sorbitan monostearate.


Gordon Anglim

Hostess Files For Bankruptcy

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: They need to start spelling Sno Ball correctly. It stopped being cute a long time ago.


Connor Mac

Hostess Files For Bankruptcy

Are you happy now, Michael Pollan? Oh, that's right, it's corn you're pissed off about.


Marie Babcock

Court Overturns Oklahoma Sharia Law Ban

The 10th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled it was discriminatory for Oklahoma to single out Sharia in its ban of religious law and stated there was no evidence the Islamic legal code had influenced the U.S. justice system. What do you think?

What do you mean the judges found it discriminatory? Wasn't that the whole point?


Dan Brooks

Court Overturns Oklahoma Sharia Law Ban

This is ridiculous. How am I going to refight this battle when I've already moved on to a saggy-pants ban?


Charles Martin

Court Overturns Oklahoma Sharia Law Ban

Okay, fine, the Muslims win. What's that dude's name we gotta worship now?


Michael Payne

Huntsman Drops Out

Jon Huntsman announced he is dropping out of the race and endorsing Mitt Romney. What do you think?


Tara Schellen

Huntsman Drops Out

People say speaking Chinese during the debate hurt him, but I think the sane, reasonable English he spoke the rest of the time was a bigger liability.


Eugene Burns

Huntsman Drops Out

I haven't heard any buzz about it yet, but could he possibly be reforming Wizard, the keyboard-driven rock band for which he dropped out of high school?


Alex Paich

Murder No Longer Among Top Killers In U.S.

For the first time since 1965, murder was not among the top 15 causes of death in the United States, having been replaced by the respiratory ailment pneumonitis. What do you think?

Top 15? I had no idea there were so many ways to die.


Diana Porcaro

Yeah, but the No. 1 cause is 'freak wind accident,' so that hardly comforts me.


Gene Hungate

Aw, that's just on accounta Clyde being in lockup is all. He'll be out in June.


Isabel Manning

Zappos Hacked

The online shoe retailer Zappos was hacked, leaving much of its customer data compromised. What do you think?

That explains the hordes of pissed-off barefooted maniacs in the streets this morning.


Will Pearlman

Zappos Hacked

Huh. I was wondering why it was taking so long to get the shoes I ordered and the $6,000 computer I didn't.


Cole Rothwell

Zappos Hacked

Before anyone asks any questions, yes, I am a man who enjoys purchasing shoes for my wife, and yes, her feet are unconventionally large.


Don Sakes

Santorum Won Iowa Caucus

A recount of votes in the Iowa caucus shows that former senator Rick Santorum actually beat Mitt Romney by 34 votes. What do you think?

Ballots from some precincts are still missing, however, which shows that even Iowa doesn't give a shit about its presidential caucuses.


Matt Gray

Santorum Won Iowa Caucus

This could give Santorum exactly the kind of retroactive momentum his campaign needs.


Lisa Fleming

Santorum Won Iowa Caucus

Ron Paul was the real winner in Iowa. He's always the real winner in these things. Vote Ron Paul 2012!


Laura Pickering

Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline

Citing environmental concerns, the Obama administration is rejecting the proposed Canada-to-U.S. oil pipeline, but may reconsider if the builders propose a different route. What do you think?

I can't help but think of all the lost jobs, like cleaning up oil spills and delivering bottled water for people to bathe in.


Steve Swanson

Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline

Have they considered using a bucket brigade instead?


Charlie Edwards

Obama Rejects Keystone Pipeline

I'm sick and tired of these libtard faggot continental aquifers getting in the way of real economic growth.


Kevin Rich

Paula Deen Has Diabetes

Chef Paula Deen announced this week that she has been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. What do you think?

Whew. Good thing I've been substituting part skim ricotta in her lasagna sandwich recipe.


Frieda Pierce

Paula Deen Has Diabetes

She'll have plenty of help. Paul Prudhomme can show her how to cook from a scooter.


Tad Brumley

Paula Deen Has Diabetes

I always knew there was something wrong with that woman, though diabetes was not my first guess.


Harry Browne

Giffords To Resign

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) announced on her website this past weekend that she would resign her seat in the House to concentrate on her recovery. What do you think?

I guess getting shot in the head is a lot worse than we all thought.


Chelsea Clamp

Giffords To Resign

Have her call my dad. He retired last summer and has been bored out of his mind.


Victor Weymouth

Giffords To Resign

I thought she was strong enough to deal with Boehner shouting, 'Spit it out,' every time she addressed the House.


Irene Klenk

Obama's State Of The Union

President Barack Obama delivered his third State of the Union last night. What do you think?


Connor Braunohler

Obama's State Of The Union

I'm surprised he didn't take some time to mention the great strides made by Domino's in improving their cheesy bread.


Miles Doughty

Obama's State Of The Union

I support incentives for the return of industrial jobs to the U.S., but I ain't fucking working for Master Lock.


Danny Fry

Federal Employees Owe More Than $1 Billion In Taxes

According to the IRS, federal, postal, and congressional employees owe $1.03 billion in unpaid taxes. What do you think?

Interesting. I'll have to remember to be much ruder to my mailman next time I see him.


Arthur Huth

Are you still allowed to write a whole news story about a measly billion bucks?


Beth Kosloff

That's horrible. Where ever did these employees of the United States government get the idea that it was acceptable to let their obligations amass into an incomprehensibly large sum and not do a thing to pay it off?


Laura Epstein

Oklahoma Bill Would Ban Use Of Fetuses In Food

A bill introduced by Oklahoma state senator Ralph Shortey would prohibit the use of aborted fetuses in food products. What do you think?

Do they realize how much it'll cost me in gas money if I have to schlep all the way over to Arkansas just to eat a baby?


Dennis Washington

Sure, we don't want fetuses in our food now, but what if things change 10 years down the road?


Christopher De LaBarre

I'm going to miss those late-night runs to Aborto's for their amazing fetus wings.


Darren Landmark

Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought

The discovery of a jawbone in a Siberian cave may indicate the domestication of dogs took place 30,000 years ago, 16,000 years earlier than previously thought. What do you think?

Those dogs must have had some really stupid names.


Alice Peters

Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought

Siberia can have its dogs and its caves. Cats and pyramids in Egypt is what I'm talking about.


Devin Coombs

Dogs Domesticated Earlier Than Thought

So, by my calculations, that makes 200,756 more sobbing sons who watched as their dads put the old boys down.


Earl Timony

Chevy To Sticker Cars' Environmental Impact

Beginning with its 2012 subcompact Sonic, Chevrolet will begin providing information on the lifetime environmental impact of its cars. What do you think?

Say goodbye, Ferrari. Nobody's going to want your cars now.


Pilar Ranaldo

Louis Chevrolet is no doubt turning in his grave right now. To say nothing of William C. Durant, William Little, and Dr. Edwin R. Campbell! What, is loving the history of Chevrolet a crime?


Louis Fair

They used to do that for the Ford Mustang, but it was for panties dropped over its lifetime.


Frieda Luallen

Facebook To Launch IPO

Social networking site Facebook is expected to go public this week and will likely become the largest tech IPO in history. What do you think?

They may want to hold off on that—a few of my friends are threatening to leave Facebook over some of its new features.


Benson Cartwright

Facebook To Launch IPO

Even when Facebook has tons of cash, I bet it'll still ask me to 'like' Papa John's goddamn pizza everyday.


Jake Myrig

Facebook To Launch IPO

Jesus. All this and I still can't find the Brandon White I knew in college, class of 2001. Brandon, if you're reading this, what's up?


Paul Wyndorf

Burmese Pythons Exterminating Everglades Mammals

A study in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy of Sciences links a drastic decline in raccoons and other mammals in the Florida everglades to the introduction of Burmese pythons. What do you think?

No kidding. Now you understand why I dumped those damn pythons in the first place.


Corey McBain

Wow, no more raccoons. This is great news for the Everglades' native trash can and attic populations.


Sunita Cronin

What is it with Floridians' unwavering determination to make their state a 1970s horror exploitation flick?


Susan Matz

Should Sugar Be Regulated?

In a recent editorial in the journal Nature, researchers from the University of California–San Francisco suggested that as a toxic substance, sugar should be taxed and regulated like alcohol or tobacco. What do you think?

The only thing I love more than drinking, smoking, and eating bad are taxes and regulations, so hell yeah!


John Kensel

Should Sugar Be Regulated?

I'm sick of all this nanny-state liberalism. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go yell slurs at women outside Planned Parenthood.


Robert Preston

Should Sugar Be Regulated?

That's all right. I switched to blackstrap molasses in my coffee long ago. Which got me off coffee, too.


Dan Kelly

Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. What do you think?

Her father must feel conflicted. He's losing a daughter but gaining a guy who's now her father but also sleeping with her.


Becky Von Till

Oh, great. I finally got my old lady to stop nagging me to get hitched, and now this.


Carlos Edwardson

Good luck. I remember how difficult raising my girlfriend was at 48.


Ben Kelly

Migrating Whooping Cranes Stall In Alabama

Nine whooping cranes that had been following an ultralight aircraft as it guided them on their migratory route stopped when they reached Alabama, 500 miles short of the intended destination. What do you think?

Well, Alabama does seem to be a place where creatures with some ostensible direction tend to get mired.


Lindsey McCormack

You don't hear about this type of slacking from sandhill cranes.


Mindy Brzinski

Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years. What do you think?

Oh God, these cigarettes are terrible for me!


Frank Robinson

Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

I guess it's only a matter of time before the FDA starts putting horrific pictures of morons on cigarette boxes.


Melvin Wolfe

Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

It's really sad that so many men who should be at their peak TV-watching years won't be able to figure out how to make the remote work.


Jason Conn

Spanking Doesn't Work

A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive. What do you think?

In fairness, those kids who were punished physically were probably bigger punks to begin with.


Carlos Post

Spanking Doesn't Work

Locking them in the basement is no way to go, either. Later they won't go down there to help organize shit.


Jessica South

Spanking Doesn't Work

I saw a disturbing example of this very thing just last night at the bar. Two guys got into a disagreement, and the more aggressive one pulled the other one over his knee and spanked him.


Nancy Holzman

Congress Clears U.S. Airspace For More Drones

With a vote of 75 to 20 in the Senate, Congress approved a bill that will allow more drones, military and private, in U.S. airspace. What do you think?

I bet us Americans are much better at running from them than those whiny Afghans.


Jonathan Baiza

It's nice to see both parties come together to help America become the great nation James Cameron envisioned in Terminator.


Eric Cicero

I'd be a lot more worried about the potential loss of privacy if the Google Street View car hadn't already caught me passed out on my front lawn last year.


Kyle Stinson

'House' To End

Producers for the show House announced the current season of the popular medical drama would be its last. What do you think?

It was starting to get repetitive. Every episode this season involved a patient whose eye popped out.


Jenna Westerberg

'House' To End

It just goes to show you there's no place for a medical drama in America.


Alexander Mars

'House' To End

Dammit, House, this is what happens when you don't play by the rules. I warned you!


Chris Morris

Saudi Journalist Arrested For Tweeting To Muhammad

Twenty-three-year-old Saudi newspaper columnist Hamza Kashgari was arrested in Malaysia, where he was trying to flee after receiving death threats for tweets addressed to the Prophet Muhammad. What do you think?

C'mon, dude. Everybody knows that if you're going to insult Muhammad on Twitter, you do it right and create a fake Salman Rushdie account.


Charlene Hetson

Wait, other people can read your tweets?


Fred Schloss

If you're fleeing death threats, you don't go to Malaysia. Come to Idaho, where potatoes are just the beginning!


Danielle Rogerson

Supreme Court Justice Robbed At Knifepoint

While vacationing in the Caribbean, Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer and his family were robbed of $1,000 by an intruder wielding a machete. What do you think?

What was Justice Alito doing in the Caribbean with a machete?


Tyrone Poland

As a mugging victim, I can sympathize, because it happened to me—except for the part about walking around with $1,000 in the tropics. Come to think of it, the bastard had it coming.


Dan Lehrer

That's why I always rob nobodies. Give me all your money.


Samuel Paice

Jamie Oliver Unearths Joy Division Master Tapes

While renovating the basement of a bank he plans to turn into a restaurant, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver reportedly found $1.7 million in valuables, which included jewelry, New Order and Joy Division master tapes, and a gun. What do you think?

I hope he takes this opportunity to start an amazing Joy Division–themed restaurant.


Danny Gillian

Jamie Oliver, you say? And here I thought the Joy Division story couldn't get any more depressing.


Quinn Glover

Two of Britain's greatest exports—Joy Division and Jamie Oliver—have just come together in a veritable explosion of the senses.


Mike Downy

FCC Blocks GPS-Jamming Broadband

Fearing it would interfere with GPS devices, the Federal Communications Commission is revoking the permit of the company LightSquared to build a nationwide wireless broadband network. What do you think?

This is just like the federal government, always sticking its nose in areas it's mandated by law to regulate.


Elizabeth Burke

FCC Blocks GPS-Jamming Broadband

Good. I didn't just spend $172 on a fish finder for it not to work just so some idiot can play Scrabble on his phone.


Sarah Palermo

FCC Blocks GPS-Jamming Broadband

A nationwide wireless broadband network is a pretty stupid idea anyway. You just know Cuba would steal our signal.


Domenic Archer

Pennies, Nickels To Change?

Between costly raw materials and manufacturing expenses, pennies and nickels cost more than twice their face value. The Obama administration has asked Congress for permission to change the metal composition for those coins. What do you think?

You have to wonder what Obama is thinking invoking the ire of numismatist alloy originalists in an election year.


Becky Rockford

Pennies, Nickels To Change?

Why not take this as an excuse to just scrap them both and replace them with one convenient six-cent coin?


Sasha Brady

Pennies, Nickels To Change?

Dammit. So you're telling me that when I hauled all those pennies down to the electric company to pay my bill, they got the better end of the deal?


Arturo de Sá

Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol

An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to self-medicate against the threat of deadly parasitic wasps. What do you think?

That's fine, as long as they're not flying anywhere for awhile.


Susan Hall

Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol

I'm sure at least some of those flies also drink because of their crippling depression.


Brian Matthews

Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol

That's bullshit. Any time I've lobbed fireworks at a wasp nest, being drunk never protected me.


Jennifer Mangrum

Negative Advertising More Frequent In 2012 Primary

According to the ad-tracking firm Kantar Media/CMAG, the percentage of Republican primary attack ads increased from 6 percent in 2008 to 50 percent in 2012. What do you think?

This is great news for the grim voiceover industry.


John Knight

That's because the nice ads featuring their candidate smiling and happy are much more terrifying.


Joseph Reynolds

It's really gotten out of control. What was so wrong with the occasional spurious allusion to an opponent's illegitimate black baby?


Gilbert Avila

Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat

Dutch scientists have started using stem cells to grow muscle tissue in hopes of producing the first-ever synthetic-meat hamburger later this year. What do you think?

How many more times do you have to whack the cow with a sledgehammer before the stem cells come out?


Don Bartek

Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat

Meat raised in laboratory petri dishes? With never an opportunity to roam a stainless-steel surface, or to experience the light and warmth of the autoclave? That's just cruel.


Sandra Graves

Scientists Create Lab-Grown Meat

It's just unethical for scientists to play God, and frankly a little distasteful for them to play farmer, too.


Melissa Cutler

Obama Proposes Lowering Corporate Tax Rate

In an attempt to raise revenues, President Obama proposed a plan that would simplify the corporate tax code, lower the corporate tax rate from 35 percent to 28 percent, and eliminate numerous loopholes. What do you think?

This is exactly the sort of idea that Republicans will deny they've been saying for 30 years.


Hugo Frith

A lot of people forget that corporations are real legal persons, just like us.


Matt Krause

Not sure. Give me a few minutes to get out my calculator and my IRS corporate tax rate tables and crunch some numbers.


David Vogel

Crystal's Return To Oscars

Billy Crystal's return to hosting duties at the Academy Awards on Sunday night received mixed reviews. What do you think?

I really wanted to see him, but it took forever waiting for that kindly old gent to get off the stage so Crystal could start.


Rosanna Hansen

Crystal's Return To Oscars

If that was Billy Crystal, who's Penelope Cruz?


Stephen Soares

Crystal's Return To Oscars

Oh, no! I missed it! Did anyone happen to tape it on their VCR?


Damon Bassini

FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs

In order to alleviate the shortage of two cancer drugs, Doxil and methotrexate, the FDA has loosened restrictions and will allow the drugs to be imported from India and Australia. What do you think?

But if drugs aren't allowed to get really expensive, how do we know who deserves to live?


Barbara Romão

FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs

Well, shit. What am I going to do now with all this bathtub Doxil?


Fred Slon

FDA Allows Import Of Cancer Drugs

If I wanted to kick my cancer with Australian drugs, I'd have spent the last 30 years killing my liver with Fosters, but I'm a Genesee man and so my tumor is American, goddamnit.


Pamela Hewlett

iPad 3 May Cost 15% More

If leaked documents prove to be authentic, the soon-to-be released iPad 3 will cost $70 to $80 more than the iPad 2. What do you think?


Geoff Albarn

iPad 3 May Cost 15% More

Well, it looks like my kid isn't going to be getting his allowance for a few weeks.


Alex Jones

iPad 3 May Cost 15% More

If memory serves me correctly, the last iPad was only around 55 cents, so that's not bad.


Carly Burns

Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today

A crippled cruise ship owned by the Carnival Corporation was towed to the Seychelles after a fire broke out in the engine room and knocked out power, resulting in the second major accident for the company in the past six weeks. What do you think?

They must be gearing up for something really big for their 100th anniversary tribute to the sinking of the Titanic this April 15.


Adam Flynn

Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today

Hey, give them a break! What about the thousands of passengers they haven't killed or scared the shit out of?


Roy Walker

Crippled Cruise Ship Docking Today

Hopefully the entertainer-hypnotist from the nightly 7:30 p.m. post-buffet shows was able to convince everyone they were still having a good time.


Judy Young

Monkees' Davy Jones Dies

Davy Jones, the British-born lead singer of the TV band the Monkees, died of a heart attack Wednesday. What do you think?

Aw, I just got a crush on him yesterday.


Corey Rudd

Monkees' Davy Jones Dies

Now who am I supposed to think about when I'm kissing my husband? He's gotten kind of used to the swooning.


Benjamin Williams

Monkees' Davy Jones Dies

Man, and just when we thought we'd finally recovered from the death of aleatory music pioneer Karlheinz Stockhausen.


Tyler Sorum

Sleep Improves With Age

A new study from the University of Pennsylvania concluded that sleep improves with age. What do you think?

How about the time spent awake? At what point does that not suck shit?


Andrea Gill

Sleep Improves With Age

That's convenient. Because I've got a jam-packed schedule till I'm 63.


Chuck Burston

Sleep Improves With Age

Wow, just like sex. That's right, we're all still having sex and it is very satisfying and there's nothing you can do to stop us.


Jason Svenonius

Lorax' No. 1

The Lorax, the CGI adaptation of the classic Dr. Seuss book, opened No. 1 at the box office this weekend, bringing in more than $70 million. What do you think?

I guess if you're going to bastardize the work of Dr. Seuss, you might as well make a ton of money from it.


Erica Gamboa

Lorax' No. 1

We can't afford the movies anymore, so I just chopped down a bunch of trees while my kids cried.


Niles Canty

Lorax' No. 1

I'm not surprised. Do you have any idea how long my children have been clamoring for a Danny DeVito–voiced animated feature?


Jessie Patterson

Court Rules Loughner Can Be Forcibly Medicated

A U.S. court of appeals ruled that Jared Loughner, who attempted to kill Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) last year, could continue to be medicated against his will. What do you think?

Why would you put him on medication? He seems happy the way he is.


Devin Scipio

Instead of medicating him, they should just ignore him until he feels stupid.


Oren Kelly

Geez, some fellas just can't seem to catch a break.


Kyle Gonsales

Robot 'Cheetah' Sets Land Speed Record

A quadrupedal machine known as the Cheetah set a land-speed record for legged robots, running 18 mph on a treadmill in a U.S. military–funded lab. What do you think?

This is the first step on the road to a glorious future where everyone has a robot to do their exercising for them.


Jerry Rose

Robot 'Cheetah' Sets Land Speed Record

Sure, it performs great in a lab, but can it defuse bombs like a real cheetah?


Hanly Gibbs

Robot 'Cheetah' Sets Land Speed Record

If we can make a robot cheetah that runs 18 miles per hour, maybe we could even build a robot polar bear that freezes and breaks below 32 degrees.


Jenn Serreo

College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less

According to the Economic Policy Institute, female college graduates are making 7.6 percent less than they did 10 years ago, while their male counterparts are making 11 percent less. What do you think?

It's not like 2002, when a guy could graduate from a liberal arts college and just watch the money roll in.


David King

College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less

Maybe they're just not joining the right frats.


Ward Dee

College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less

My kids had all the toys, clothing, and gadgets they wanted. Elmo on TV told them how special they were. I even hid the death of our family dog from them. Now it's time to throw them into the deep end of the pool and see if they can swim.


Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime

According to a U.S. Department of Agriculture whistleblower, 70 percent of all ground beef sold in stores contains "pink slime

beef trimmings that have had the fat removed and been treated with ammonia to kill bacteria. What do you think?"

That's fine as long as it's Pink Slime–brand pink slime. The generic stuff is no good.


Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime

Why would anyone complain about free slime?


Ground Beef Contains Pink Slime

I forget—which are the bad colors of slime again?


Jamie Harper

LSD Could Be Viable Alcoholism Treatment

A comprehensive analysis of LSD studies conducted in the 1960s and '70s found that alcoholics were less likely to relapse if they took LSD under the controlled supervision of a psychiatrist. What do you think?

No thanks. My doors of perception are blocked with empties, and they're going to stay that way.


Liz Murray

Yeah, I can see how you'd be less prone to drink when your bottle of vodka screams at you to rip off its head.


Kathy Wakeling

Justice Department Rejects Texas Voter ID Law

The U.S. Department of Justice blocked a Texas law requiring voters to present a state-issued photo ID before casting a ballot, saying it unfairly discriminated against Hispanics. What do you think?

This law seems redundant, anyway. Can't Texans see for themselves without photo IDs which individuals are minorities who should be intimidated from going to the polls?


Tyler Epkins

I agree. The sensitive, melancholic constitution of the Hispanic is far too delicate for the rigors of waiting in a DMV office.


Bob Lothian

The Justice Department is setting a clear double standard: It's not okay to discriminate against Hispanics, but it is okay to discriminate against racist whites who don't want Hispanics to vote?


Mickey Jacildo

Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision

MRI scans of astronauts who have been on long space flights found evidence of intracranial hypertension, which could damage eyesight. What do you think?

Not to diminish the wonder of space travel, but surely we can find cheaper and safer ways to blind astronauts here on Earth.


Jermaine Moorish

Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision

First pro football, now aerospace. What's a guy supposed to do for a living if he wants universal adulation without brain damage?


Darcy Cox

Long Space Voyages May Damage Vision


Matianne Hall

Children's Stair Injuries Down Nearly 12%

A study from Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus, OH reports that, while a child is hospitalized every six minutes with a stair-related injury, the number of incidences has fallen 11.6 percent since 1999. What do you think?

Stairs are safer than ever, especially with new safety features like railing airbags and antilock steps.


Charles Staple

I assume there's been a commensurate rise in escalator maimings and fire-pole catastrophes.


Ryan Panter

Not a surprise that numbers went down. The American standard of living was at its high point in 1999, and everyone had a ridiculous number of stories on their houses.


Kevin Bowerman

$100 Buys Airport Security Bypass

By paying a one-time fee of $100 and attending a brief interview with a customs officer, flyers can bypass the regular airport security lines and pass through without removing their belts or shoes, or the liquids in their bags. What do you think?

All right, I think I can pay that and still have enough left to buy sharp things.


Lacey O'Brien

$100 Buys Airport Security Bypass

Okay, so I throw the guy 100 bucks to get me past the line, but what kind of bottle service we talking about?


Dirk Jackson

$100 Buys Airport Security Bypass

I think I'll opt to save the money. Plus, no one gets to see my belt much. The buckle is a penguin.


Robert Willis

8 States Fail Corruption Test

A multi-agency survey of corruption in the U.S. gave a grade of F to eight states, including South and North Dakota, Maine, and Virginia. What do you think?

Does this mean North Dakota governor Jack Dalrymple isn't going to bring my bike back?


Ann Reutmanis

8 States Fail Corruption Test

How corrupt could these states be if they didn't even bribe the people conducting the survey to give them a passing grade?


Willie Deutrom

8 States Fail Corruption Test

As a stereotypical East Coast elitist, I'm somewhat chagrined to discover that all this time I've been flying over some epic corruption.


Maxwell Preston

Delta Highest In Pet Deaths

According to documents filed with the Federal Aviation Administration, Delta Airlines accounted for 19 of the 35 flying-related pet deaths in 2011. What do you think?

Delta should take the initiative and advertise how great their air filters are at removing so much of the dead pet smell.


Tina Black

Delta Highest In Pet Deaths

To Delta's credit, though, their employees are willing to go along with the made-up story you tell your kids about how the ol' boy was jettisoned over a beautiful farm upstate.


Guy Lukin

Delta Highest In Pet Deaths

And what's worse, no set of noise-canceling headphones in the world can drown out the horrible sound of all that ghost barking.


Patrick Higgs

Atheists Unbless Florida Road

To protest government officials involvement last year in the blessing of a county road, an atheist group in Lakeland, FL "washed away"" the blessing this weekend. What do you think?"

Is this country no longer safe for terrible Christian drivers?


Kathryn Osborne

Atheists Unbless Florida Road

Nuh-uh! Nuh-uh! 'Cause God already put a super force field on the blessing with a strength of infinity!


Joe Feldstein

Atheists Unbless Florida Road

Well, is the road fucking blessed or not? I got places to be!


Annette Kerr

Romney Wins Illinois

Pundits are declaring that Mitt Romney's decisive victory in Illinois yesterday is a good indicator that he'll win the nomination. What do you think?

I hope that means these guys can go back to being friends now.


Chris Moscrop

Romney Wins Illinois

Aw, heck. I was still hoping one of the spite candidates would make it through.


Scott Johnson

Romney Wins Illinois

As a Romney supporter, this might be the best news I've heard since pundits started declaring him the probable nominee back in 2011.


Jodi Meadows

Wendy's Surpasses Burger King

In 2011, Wendy's overtook Burger King to become the No. 2 fast food hamburger chain in the United States. What do you think?

Burger King needs to up their game. Have they thought of offering French fries?


Russell Chriest

Wendy's Surpasses Burger King

Burger King should have thought twice before giving a job to that Anderson kid from up the street. Who eats at a place that would hire that moron?


Greg Bell

Wendy's Surpasses Burger King

If only Dave Thomas were alive. He loved competition almost as much as he hated circular patties.


Brian Quigley

Brain Mechanism Triggered By Electroshock Discovered

Though electroconvulsive therapy has been in use since the 1930s, a paper published in the journal Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences described for the first time how the treatment cures patients of depression. What do you think?

That must be why epileptics are so happy.


Arthur Mullan

That's great. Now we can finally explain to patients exactly what will happen before we drag them flailing and screaming in hysterics to have their brains electrocuted.