Lane Terrell

I hope this knowledge doesn't kill the pioneering spirit of experimentation that first led doctors to try electrocuting people just to see what would happened.


Bert Treece

Marine Faces Discharge For Anti-Obama Facebook Posts

A U.S. Marine sergeant who started a Facebook page called Armed Forces Tea Party may be dismissed from the corps for violating Pentagon directives on political speech by active soldiers. What do you think?

I don't understand why he feels the need to express his political viewpoints. Isn't being a faceless killing machine gratification enough?


Larry Fay

Yeah, well, maybe the president should stop searching for himself on Facebook and get back to work.


Sharon Rathke

That's it! I'm defriending the Pentagon as we speak.


Brynn Waits

'Hunger Games' Opens Today

The Hunger Games, the hotly anticipated film adaptation of the young adult novel in which teens have to fight to the death, opens today. What do you think?

There's still another Twilight movie left. Where is everyone's sense of loyalty?


Frank Lurie

'Hunger Games' Opens Today

I'm tired of all these movies made from books. How about Hollywood starts catering to some of us nonreaders for a change?


Paul Benigni

'Hunger Games' Opens Today

Whoah! How 'bout a spoiler alert, buddy? I didn't know it was Friday!


Charlotte Kramer

Cocaine Factor In Houston's Death

According to the coroner who conducted the autopsy on singer Whitney Houston, cocaine was a factor in her drowning death. What do you think?

The real tragedy is that she isn't still alive to hear my opinion about her death.


Guy Thompson

Cocaine Factor In Houston's Death

Did you know Orville Redenbacher also drowned in a bathtub? Call it the curse of sleeping with Bobby Brown.


Bob Smith

Cocaine Factor In Houston's Death

A tragic ending with an even more bitter coda. Whitney should have died in her 80s, on stage, after a particularly embarrassing rendition of 'The Greatest Love Of All.'


James Vargo

Cause Of Male-Pattern Baldness Discovered

A study published in Science Translational Medicine found that an abundance of a protein called prostaglandin D2 was responsible for male-pattern baldness. What do you think?

That's great! Now that we've found what causes it, we can replicate it anywhere.


Stella LeDuc

You see that balding piece of shit standing over there? That's my husband. Go make his day and tell him about this crap.


Chris Gaspar

I hope any treatments for the condition lie far in the future. All these legions of mental-patient-looking white guys with shaved heads have grown on me throughout the years.


Nick von Wernherr

Supreme Court Begins 'Obamacare' Hearings

The U.S. Supreme Court has begun three days of hearings on the constitutionality of the Obama health care plan. What do you think?


Rachel Brady

The arguments center on whether the health care law's monetary penalty against the uninsured cannot be challenged due to an 1867 law stripping federal courts' jurisdiction in lawsuits intended to halt collection of a tax, but that's complicated, so just put me down as saying 'Nobamacare!'


Aaron Grove

To be honest, these big hearings bore me. I like it better when the Supreme Court considers stuff like whether Kiss owes money to Vinnie Vincent.


Peter Knapp

U.S. Compensates Afghan Victims' Families

The United States paid out $50,000 for every person killed and $11,000 for every person wounded in a Mar. 11 rampage for which a renegade U.S. soldier has been charged. What do you think?

Sounds like a bargain. I had to pay $100,000 to the family of some kid I ran over.


Sarah Adalist

In lieu of an apology, this was probably the next best thing to do.


Byron Ziff

What am I supposed to be outraged about here? Is this too little or too much?


Brian Offer

Gingrich Photo Op: $50

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is charging supporters $50 to pose for a photo with him. What do you think?

Pricey, sure, but just think how impressed your grandkids will be when they see a picture of you with some guy.


Katie Wilson

Gingrich Photo Op: $50

Is there a surcharge if I bring along a couple sombreros for us to wear?


Gary Andreoni

Gingrich Photo Op: $50

Gingrich is so creative when it comes to paying down debts, we'd be stupid not to elect him president.


Ashley Pope

Supply Of College Graduates Outstripped By Workforce Demand

Though the number of people graduating from college in the United States every year is increasing, it is still not enough to keep pace with employer demand. What do you think?

It's not going to be easy to raise college graduation rates, but I know our nation has what it takes to systematically and drastically lower academic standards to achieve this goal.


Brent Gorman

That's right. If there's one thing we can all agree is wrong with our country right now, it's all the vacant jobs.


Louis McGahan

Oh, no. So you're saying the future is going to have even more stuffy little shit coworkers who won't shut up about their semesters in Peru?


Cathy Lum

SAT Takers Face Tighter Security

After last year's scandal involving 20 Long Island students, SAT and ACT test takers will now face increased security measures. What do you think?

That whole standardized test thing is overrated. I never took the SAT, and look at me now: I'm in the newspaper!


Mark MacArthur

SAT Takers Face Tighter Security

If you can't trust teenagers to be honest when taking an inexact test that will to a large extent determine their future, who can you trust?


Derek Carlisle

SAT Takers Face Tighter Security

I paid a guy to take my SAT test for me. He scored very well and ended up getting into a top college. I worked three jobs to pay his tuition. I think he's a doctor now.


Darby Villechaize

Zimmerman Appears Uninjured In Video

In a surveillance video of assailant George Zimmerman from the night of the Trayvon Martin shooting, Zimmerman does not appear to be bloody or injured, raising questions about his story of being attacked and beaten by Martin. What do you think?

Perhaps the Sanford police should consider switching to the Canon Legria HF G10, which shoots 1920 by 1080 high-def video with an optional 25p frame rate for a truly cinematic look.


Chuck Tyrrell

Zimmerman Appears Uninjured In Video

Okay, fine. Let's assume Trayvon Martin didn't attack George Zimmerman. Does that make him any less black?


Peggy Lindley

Zimmerman Appears Uninjured In Video

A new clue! This horrific tragedy keeps getting better and better!


Charles Kerova

Bigot Group Recommended Alienating Gays From Blacks

In a memo recently made public, the National Organization for Marriage suggested it would benefit the group's antigay marriage agenda to drive a wedge between blacks and gays. What do you think?

This is only going to send the gays into the arms of the Puerto Ricans.


Thom Preston

Sweet! I always hoped this cultural firestorm would result in an epic dance-off!


Deena Hatfull

I am shocked that a group like the National Organization for Marriage would resort to exploiting people's baseless fears and prejudices.


Tanya Schwartz

Spike Lee Tweets Wrong George Zimmerman's Address

After a Twitter user posted the wrong address for Treyvon Martin's killer, filmmaker Spike Lee unwittingly retweeted the error, which led to an elderly couple in Florida receiving death threats and having to flee their home. What do you think?

I really hope this doesn't sour people on Twitter-based mob justice.


Stephen Elfman

See, this is exactly why I don't discover how to use tweeting.


Kevin Rose

I got him back—just tweeted Spike Jonze's address.


Sue Gordon

Lottery Reaches Record Jackpot

The multistate Mega Millions lottery jackpot has reached $640 million and become the largest prize of its kind in U.S. history. What do you think?

Oh man, I've got $720 million in AmEx debt I'd love to pay down a little.


Stephen Diamond

Lottery Reaches Record Jackpot

Speak to me, Fortuna. Lead me through the darkness and tell me which gas station to go to.


John Spinell

Lottery Reaches Record Jackpot

Those things are always won by some podunk hick who wouldn't know what to do with a dollar if it bit him in the—hey, wait a minute. That's me!


Mark Carruth

Bin Laden Relatives Sentenced

A Pakistani court sentenced Osama bin Laden's three widows and two daughters to 45 days of house detention for living illegally in Pakistan. What do you think?

It's good to see Pakistan's refusing to harbor terrorists' widows.


Andrea Sullivan

Bin Laden Relatives Sentenced

This just goes to show that it might take a decade and a trillion dollars, but even the widows or daughters of our enemies will eventually face some kind of justice, however trivial.


Gilbert Gooden

Bin Laden Relatives Sentenced

So the punishment for living in Pakistan illegally is being forced to stay there? Fuck, Pakistan, get some self-esteem.


Eric Kipper

Man Arrested Trying To Board Flight With M-80s

Authorities in Philadelphia arrested a 29-year-old man trying to board a flight to San Francisco with commercial-grade M-80s and a bottle of flash powder. What do you think?

There are so many different kinds of fireworks, how is anyone supposed to remember which ones are allowed on planes?


Felicia Sandor

So now it's the government's business when a man wants to blow up dog poop across state lines?


Pat Nicholson

Putting the fireworks kiosk in the Philadelphia airport was definitely a bad idea.


Jeff Price

Flying Car A Reality

Massachusetts-based company Terrafugia Inc. announced it has completed a test flight of its flying car prototype and will be displaying it at the New York Auto Show. What do you think?

Just as Icarus flew too close to the merciless sun…I forget how the rest of that goes. Sign me up!


Laura Pyland

Flying Car A Reality

I don't really see the point of these things unless there's a floating Taco Bell drive-thru I'm not aware of.


Ewan Bradshaw

Flying Car A Reality

Ever since I was a kid I wondered if it was possible to fly.


Alan Tapia

Major Obama Donor Accused Of Fraud

Abake Assongba, a New York woman who with her husband contributed $50,000 to the Obama campaign, is accused of defrauding people out of more than $650,000 and using the money to build a house. What do you think?

Can this donor get around the charge by declaring herself a corporation? Then I think she'd be in the clear.


Katie Warren

Major Obama Donor Accused Of Fraud

Obviously Obama has to give the money back, but as a gesture of good faith, he should also burn their house down.


Dan Thompson

Major Obama Donor Accused Of Fraud

I hope no one vets me. I donated $5, and one time I stole a bracelet from Target.


Shirley McElwy

Obama Signs Bill Banning Congressional Insider Trading

Following a prayer breakfast this morning, President Obama signed into law a bill prohibiting members of Congress and other federal employees from insider trading. What do you think?


Clive Gibbons

While we're banning things that are already a crime for everyone else, could the president sign an executive order preventing congressmen from poaching alligators?


Matthew Johnson

Oh, great. Now I'll probably have to compete with Sen. Lieberman on my can-scavenging route. That guy's ruthless.


Christina Gullette

Republicans Lose Ground With Women

Due in part to GOP-backed policies limiting birth-control access, President Barack Obama has an 18-point lead against any Republican opponent among women in swing states. What do you think?

Looks like they'll be handing out lots of chocolates and rose bouquets come fall.


Woody Margolis

Republicans Lose Ground With Women

Then the next logical step is for the GOP super PACs to fund a series of ads aimed at getting women to loathe themselves so much they'll stay away from the polls altogether.


Andy Shenkman

Republicans Lose Ground With Women

Eh, we still got older white men. They're the best.


Darren Hart

Conservatives Believe In Science Less

A new study published in the American Sociological Review found today's conservatives have less trust in science than the conservatives of the mid-1970s. What do you think?

Of course they do, when scientists go around saying crazy things like a pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of gold.


Rick Pearlman

Conservatives Believe In Science Less

Maybe science should go back to bringing us less of the AIDS and climate change, and more of the polio vaccines and atom bombs.


Reyna Shoaib

Conservatives Believe In Science Less

The saddest part is they'll never even believe this study.


Aric Naidu

Cambodian Antiquity To Be Seized

FBI agents moved to impound a statue from the auction house Sotheby's after Cambodian officials claimed it was looted from an ancient Khmer temple. What do you think?

Shame on you, Sotheby's. I would expect this kind of nonsense from Bonhams & Butterfields, but never you.


Charles Lao

Cambodian Antiquity To Be Seized

I can't believe they're preventing it from finding a new home with a rich person. Hasn't anyone in Cambodia seen Annie?


Francine Nieves

Cambodian Antiquity To Be Seized

This sounds like the part of an Indiana Jones movie where I yell, 'Bor-ing!' and everyone sitting next to me laughs.


Kristen Gordon

Yahoo! Lays Off 14% Of Workforce

Internet giant Yahoo! announced it would lay off 2,000 workers in order to save $375 million annually. What do you think?

So long as they don't ax the person who keeps me up-to-date on the Kardashians when I go to check my e-mail.


Evan Fox

Yahoo! Lays Off 14% Of Workforce

Internet business is hard. I've had to fire my wife 10 times over the past year.


Stuart Herman

Yahoo! Lays Off 14% Of Workforce

Thankfully, given the renewed unsustainable bubble in Internet stocks, they should be able to quickly find new jobs with disastrously overvalued companies like Groupon, Yelp, or Zynga for a couple months before being fired again.


Rita Wright

Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship

The U.S. Coast Guard used cannon fire to sink the 164-foot Ryou-Un Maru, a Japanese "ghost ship"" set adrift by the tsunami last year. What do you think?"

I think it's important we send a clear message to all ocean debris: Your aimless drifting will not be tolerated.


Jonas Wincott

Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship

Since when is America responsible for picking up Poseidon's slack?


Russell Forlani

Coast Guard Sinks Vacant Ship

Hey, Gordon Lightfoot, 'The Wreck Of The Ryou-Un Maru' could be your ticket to a lake house.


Jon Hauer

Maternal Obesity May Be Autism Factor

A study of 1,000 children in California found that mothers who suffered from obesity, diabetes, or hypertension had a greater chance of giving birth to an autistic child, with those who were obese during their pregnancy being 67 percent more likely to have a child with autism. What do you think?

As an obese father of three autistic children, it's a huge relief to know it was Maureen's fault.


Sarah Ebrahimi

Maternal Obesity May Be Autism Factor

Wow, scientists are getting really good at identifying things that may cause autism.


David Wells

Maternal Obesity May Be Autism Factor

Bullshit. My mom's a fat whale and diabetic, and the only thing wrong with me is that I'm an asshole.


Kevin Hopper

Pope Denounces Celibacy-Protesting Priests

Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against a group of priests that has called for ordaining women and ending celibacy for the clergy. What do you think?

I agree with him. A church that isn't archaic, discriminatory, and inflexible just isn't Catholic.


Victoria La Marr

Kind of a weird thing to bring up around Easter, but okay.


Chet Bartel

I think it'd be a nice change of pace to have some female priests. No offense to the male priests, but they can't cook for shit.


Paul Finley

Sony Loses $6.4 Billion

After writing down deferred tax credits, the Sony Corporation reported an annual net loss of $6.4 billion, double its initial projections and marking the fourth year in a row the company has lost money. What do you think?

As soon as an electronics company invents a shower radio that can tune in 90.3, they'll get a sale out of me.


Alison Aviles

Sony Loses $6.4 Billion

Best Buy doesn't like it when you do this, but Sony should go down and sell some stuff half-price in their parking lot this Saturday. The manager says he'll call the cops, but never does.


Malcom Johnson

Sony Loses $6.4 Billion

Oh, no! I hope they still have enough money left to refund these headphones I just shipped back. They were really shitty.


Hank Arias

10-Year-Old Girl Gives Birth

A 10-year-old girl in Colombia gave birth to a healthy 5-pound boy, making her one of the youngest mothers on record. What do you think?

I hope they're able to play nice together.


Colette Legere

10-Year-Old Girl Gives Birth

Stop rubbing my nose in the memory of what it was like to go through grade school as a barren woman.


Fritz Coleman

10-Year-Old Girl Gives Birth

Kids these days just grow up so fast. Especially when they're likely raped by members of the family or someone else in their town they probably trusted.


Ann Barnett

Facebook Pays $1 Billion For Instagram

In advance of its initial public offering, Facebook has purchased the two-year-old photo-sharing website Instagram. What do you think?

And I thought there was nothing that could make the Facebook IPO more exciting.


Albert Moore

Facebook Pays $1 Billion For Instagram

Great, another app I won't have a chance to try because its acquisition by Facebook makes it too passé.


Michael Cubiero

Facebook Pays $1 Billion For Instagram

I wish I could make big business decisions like that. All I can buy for my company is stupid little cupcakes. And I already ate those.


Kathryn Ryan

Santorum Bows Out

In the face of a family health crisis and growing resistance from Republican Party leaders, Rick Santorum suspended his presidential campaign. What do you think?

But who's going to keep my socially destructive feminine impulses in check by making decisions about my body?


Rich Porter

Santorum Bows Out

That's a shame. I liked his position on human suffering.


Mike Saito

Santorum Bows Out

If Santorum's looking for work, I have use for a guy who can disparage half the population in a single sentence.


Karen Vidal

U.S. Warns North Korea Not To Test Missile

The White House warned North Korea that if it went ahead with a planned long-range missile test, the United States would withhold food aid from the nation. What do you think?

Unfortunately, Kim Jong-un has no incentive to call off the weapons test after learning the USAID high-nutrient biscuits aren't chocolate-dipped or sprinkle-covered.


Sebastian Howard

I say let them go ahead with the test. There's a good chance of this being really hilarious when it doesn't work.


Jeff Sexton

North Korea has a legitimate need to defend itself against itself.


Gene Robinson

Zimmerman Charged With Second-Degree Murder

Six and a half weeks after the incident, George Zimmerman was arrested and charged with second-degree murder in the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. What do you think?

Is it just me, or is this rush to judgment taking forever?


Raymond Higgins

That's a tough break for Zimmerman. After seven weeks you can't be charged with a crime in Florida.


Collette Laurence

But who is going to watch the neighborhood while Zimmerman is in jail? See, no one thought of that.


Pam Chapman

Global Dementia To Triple By 2050

As quality of life improves around the world, the rate of dementia is on track to triple within the next 40 years, creating a financial burden on those caring for aging family members. What do you think?

So the good news is that the quality of life increases, but the bad news is that the quality of life decreases?


Lucas Smith

Global Dementia To Triple By 2050

Uh-oh. I'd better sit down with my parents and have a talk with them about how terrible they were to me while they can still remember it.


Adam Hines

Global Dementia To Triple By 2050

That sounds like a problem for my brother. That guy loves taking on all our family's stresses and yelling at us about them later. Go Dan!


Gina Allen

Newark Mayor Rescues Neighbor From Fire

Newark, NJ mayor Cory Booker was treated for smoke inhalation and second-degree burns after rescuing his elderly neighbor from a burning house. What do you think?

Ouch. That's not going to play well with the arsonist vote come election season.


Frank Davis

Newark Mayor Rescues Neighbor From Fire

Man, all my lame mayor does is fund a fire department so he doesn't have to get his hands dirty.


Steve Cassidy

Newark Mayor Rescues Neighbor From Fire

Big whoop. My mayor recycles. I've seen it.


Pat Buggy

20% Of U.S. Adults Don't Use Internet

A Pew research report reveals that one in five adults in the United States don't use the Internet. What do you think?

Those are probably the same one in five adults who think Obama is an American-born Christian.


Lois Atkins

20% Of U.S. Adults Don't Use Internet

Have they tried restarting the machine? Sometimes that helps.


Doug Parker

20% Of U.S. Adults Don't Use Internet

Can you give me a few minutes to come up with a quip about Internet pornography?


Andrew Baker

Court: Employers Don't Have To Enforce Lunch Break

The California Supreme Court ruled that employers were under no obligation to ensure workers take their legally mandated lunch breaks. What do you think?

Not in my store. I look over my employees with an eagle eye to make sure they're resting.


Claire Nelson

Fine by me. I prefer to heat up my salmon steak on the Foreman grill and eat it while I work anyway.


Sean Baynes

What did the court say about drinking under your desk?


Walter Vere-Jones

Space Shuttle Discovery Moves To D.C.

On its final flight, the Space Shuttle Discovery left Florida for Washington, where it will be part of the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. What do you think?

Don't they have enough rockets stuffed into that place? How about throwing a bone to Muncie's scrappy new Outer Space Fun Center?


Corinne Hammon

Space Shuttle Discovery Moves To D.C.

Aw, nuts. This is going to rekindle my kid's love of learning all over again.


Sean Griggs

Space Shuttle Discovery Moves To D.C.

Why didn't they just land it in the moon's museum? What do you mean there's no museum on the moon? Dear God. That place must be full of savages.


Scott Potter

FDA Urges Farmers To Eliminate Antibiotic Use

Fearing the spread of drug-resistant bacteria, the Food and Drug Administration has asked pharmaceutical companies to stop dispensing antibiotics to livestock without a prescription. What do you think?

Look, if I notice any dangerous diseases in my livestock growing resistant to antibiotics threatening the rest of mankind, I'll let someone know.


Mary O'Herne

Antibiotic-laced meat can have its upside. I pride myself on the fact that my sweat glands can excrete pure metronidazole.


Darrel Smith

Well, guess they have to go back to slathering the hogs in Purell again.


Janet Yarrall

Retail Sales Rise

Retail sales in the United States rose 0.8 percent in March, thanks in part to warmer weather and an improved economy. What do you think?


Joshua Gooch

Retail Sales Rise

Oh, really? Because there's been a 14 year-old riding lawn mower in my yard for six weeks with a for-sale sign on it that says you're full of shit.


Andrew Lamey

Retail Sales Rise

It must be the spring, when credit card debt statements fade in the glow of the late April sun.


Mary Baker

Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer

Billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced he was being treated for prostate cancer, stirring speculation over who his successor at Berkshire Hathaway would be. What do you think?

Sheesh, with all that money, you'd think he'd just have his head grafted onto the body of some poor kid with a shiny new prostate.


Ryan Tilly

Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer

Great. Now I can't stop picturing Warren Buffett's enlarged prostate. Thanks for nothing.


Morgan Gillis

Warren Buffett Being Treated For Cancer

Prostate cancer is very survivable. Buffett knows how to pick them!


David Tappert

GSA Under Fire

The General Services Administration, a relatively obscure federal government office, is under congressional scrutiny for spending more than $800,000 at a Las Vegas conference in 2010. What do you think?

What a disgrace. Any properly run government agency should be able to blow through way more money than that in Vegas.


Bruce Guttridge

GSA Under Fire

It's easy to criticize, but do you have any idea how much decent lanyards cost these days?


Dorothy Carey

GSA Under Fire

Sometimes government bureaucrats are corrupt or incompetent. Let's use this argument to completely abolish Medicare and Social Security.


Lisa Berry

Dick Clark Dead

Former American Bandstand host and television producer Dick Clark died yesterday at 82. What do you think?

My plan to be discovered in 1965, appear on American Bandstand, and become a musical sensation is getting tougher by the day.


Michael Hicks

Dick Clark Dead

Finally! Our last obstacle to having a solitary and depressing New Year's Eve is gone.


Jonathan DePaiva

Dick Clark Dead

Can I stop listening to rock 'n' roll now?


Lorna Peakes

University Shuts Down Marijuana Rally

In order to deter an annual marijuana legalization rally, officials at the University of Colorado–Boulder closed the campus to visitors and applied an odorous fish-based fertilizer to the lawn. What do you think?

If the stench of 10,000 marijuana advocates isn't going to deter these people, a few pounds of fertilizer probably won't do the trick.


Lane Hancock

University Shuts Down Marijuana Rally

I wish I had college stories of huge parties that got canceled.


Ted Winters

University Shuts Down Marijuana Rally

This is what's wrong with today's college students. In my day, we burned down the dean's home and he learned not to mess with our drugs.


Sandy Raimi

Norwegian Mass-Murderer Would Prefer Execution

Anders Behring Breivik, whose racially motivated killing spree left 77 dead in Norway, told an Oslo court he would prefer execution to the pathetic 21-year maximum prison term. What do you think?

He seems pretty miffed about the whole thing. Better let him have this one.


Loren Bixler

He wouldn't act so blasé if he knew he'd be spending his term inside Norway's most notorious prison—the Fjordview Wellness Retreat.


Noah Domeier

I'm opposed to him being executed, but only because I'm infuriated by the idea of agreeing with that horrible individual on anything.


Oren Minett

Wind Farms Leave Most Birds Unaffected

A study published in the Journal Of Applied Ecology of 10 bird species on the site of a newly constructed wind farm showed that most populations were unaffected by the operating turbines. What do you think?

But what of our nation's precious kite population?


Chloe Jackson

Wind Farms Leave Most Birds Unaffected

Well then, that completely meritless class-action lawsuit filed on behalf of that giant bobolink flock should be thrown out immediately.


Keith Lawrie

Wind Farms Leave Most Birds Unaffected

'Most birds were unaffected?' I just rediscovered my love of science.


Colleen Abrams

Ron Paul Video Game In Development

Ron Paul supporter Daniel Williams has launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund a video game called Ron Paul: Road to REVOLution. What do you think?

What better libertarian tribute could there be than forcing players into a world of rules they didn't create to achieve a goal they never chose?


Michael Becker

Ron Paul Video Game In Development

We can't be getting Dr. Paul addicted to some cool new video game now. He's going to need to focus on the election if he wants to win this thing.


Noel Spiegel

Ron Paul Video Game In Development

It's a tall order during the game to close down the Federal Reserve, repeal Roe v. Wade, and withdraw from the United Nations, but once you do all that it unlocks the racist newsletters.


Penny Emge

Starbucks Removes Beetle-Based Coloring

Starbucks said it would stop using cochineal beetles to color its strawberry Frappuccinos and switch to a tomato-based food coloring. What do you think?

It's a shame they can't just make a strawberry Frappuccino out of some kind of naturally red fruit.


Winston Reninger

Starbucks Removes Beetle-Based Coloring

Great. Now how am I supposed to be the weird guy at Starbucks who impresses girls with his knowledge of what's really in their strawberry Frappucino?


Blaine Foree

Starbucks Removes Beetle-Based Coloring

Thank goodness cockroaches just crawl right into Dunkin' Donuts coffee machines every day so that I can still get my morning insect fix.


Devon Campbell

Salt Content In Fast Food Depends On Country

A recently published study of fast food in several countries found that the amount of salt in menu items varied country to country. What do you think?

Well, what a European McDonald's lacks in salt, it more than makes up for in mayo, so it's not all bad.


Dana Sandweiss

Just tell me where I can find the saltiest Whopper.


Vincent Yuste

Tourist Ban In Dutch Pot Cafés Upheld

A law prohibiting everyone but Dutch natives and permanent residents from visiting marijuana cafes was upheld in court last week. What do you think?

Wow, they must have a lot of faith in their tourism board's ability to talk up soused herring.


Giulia Burgess

Tourist Ban In Dutch Pot Cafés Upheld

Great. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my early 20s?


Craig Banks

Tourist Ban In Dutch Pot Cafés Upheld

That's okay. I find it's best to stay sober and alert while visiting Amsterdam so that you can find the best prostitutes.


Gareth Carson

Occupy Calls For General Strike

The Occupy movement has declared May 1 to be a day of national protest and has asked people not to go to work, conduct banking, or go shopping. What do you think?

It's not a good day for me because I have three meetings, but tell you what, I'll wear my Guy Fawkes mask.


Stephanie Bauchau

Occupy Calls For General Strike

I had no plans to bank today, but I am a banker. While I will be attending work, I'll mostly be practicing my putting on my office's floor. So basically I'm good here.


Dallas Elkins

Occupy Calls For General Strike

Obviously there's no place in this movement for those of us who only feel alive when filling out deposit slips.


Graham Branaman

Wind Farms Cause Local Warming

Researchers studying four large wind farms in Texas found that the turbine movement caused the average ground temperature in the area to increase nearly one degree Celsius. What do you think?

That must be tough for all those people who live underneath giant wind turbines.


Elena Menuez

Wind Farms Cause Local Warming

Well, you get a bunch of turbines waving their arms about suggestively, things are bound to heat up.


Scott Burkholder

Wind Farms Cause Local Warming

This is so counterintuitive. It just doesn't make any sense. Why would Texas have renewable energy sources?


Laurie MacColl

Jessica Simpson Has Baby

Former reality TV star Jessica Simpson gave birth to a 9-pound, 13-ounce daughter, Maxwell Drew Johnson, on Tuesday. What do you think?

Jessica looks great ever since she lost those last few pounds of baby.


Jeffrey Warbeck

Jessica Simpson Has Baby

Remember when Beyoncé gave birth just a few months ago? That was also boring.


Neal Monreale

Jessica Simpson Has Baby

I congratulate Jessica and her fiancé. But please tell me she had a C-section, so that her vagina remains comely and supple.


Noel Zissis

'The Scream' Sells For $119.9 Million

Edvard Munch's expressionist drawing The Scream sold at Sotheby's for $119.9 million, the highest price ever paid for a work of art at auction. What do you think?

Yeah, way to trumpet to the world that you're a total cat-burglar failure.


Jim Partridge

'The Scream' Sells For $119.9 Million

That's probably Nick over at Sotheby's. He does great work.


Teri Gerwig

'The Scream' Sells For $119.9 Million

Oh, God, that's right. What was I thinking? Hey, you don't have $119.9 million I could borrow, do you?


Dennis Saint-John

Murdoch Blasted As Not Fit To Lead

The British Parliament released a 125-page report on the News Corp phone-hacking scandal that concluded CEO Rupert Murdoch was unfit to govern a major media company. What do you think?


Steven Lazar

Murdoch Blasted As Not Fit To Lead

That's ridiculous. People shouldn't be going around with privacy if they don't want other people invading it.


Madeline Flees

Murdoch Blasted As Not Fit To Lead

Sounds like someone's still a little upset about the News Of The World's 'Parlia-Can't' headlines.


Stacey Muller

DEA Forgets Man In Cell For 4 Days

The Drug Enforcement Agency apologized to 23-year-old Daniel Chong for leaving him locked alone in a cell without food, water, or a toilet for four days. What do you think?

It's jail. You're not supposed to get all those fancy luxuries.


Eric Garner

DEA Forgets Man In Cell For 4 Days

It's not enough for the DEA to apologize. They also need to add the part about this being just a big misunderstanding.


Elmer Naumann

DEA Forgets Man In Cell For 4 Days

Well, that's probably less terrible than the CIA locking you up and remembering.


Renée Lafleur

'Supermoon' Biggest Of 2012

Saturday's full moon reached perigee, the closest the satellite gets to Earth in its orbit, making it appear fuller and brighter than at any other time this year. What do you think?

Alas! Just when I desire a night as black as death, the dastardly moon illumines my way and lays bare my plan to thieve my neighbor's pool float.


Frank Bryant

'Supermoon' Biggest Of 2012

Then there's little time! Prep the cannon!


Sam Cristo

'Supermoon' Biggest Of 2012

Quit stalling, mack. How many of these 'I've Got Moon Fever' shirts do you want?


Terry Eggleston

Greeks Reject Bailout-Supporting Politicians

Greeks handed a victory to anti-austerity politicians in Sunday's elections, which included a second-place finish for the Radical Left Coalition and victories for the extremist anti-immigrant party Golden Dawn. What do you think?

Aw, it's so cute that the European Central Bank is still letting them play democracy.


Leigh Greenwood

As a financial analyst, I'm concerned about the effect on the world's supply of cucumber sauce.


Bill Huettner

Golden Dawn would get my vote for their beautiful name alone. Their call to place land mines on the Greek borders is just icing on the cake.


Warren Tracy

Ashton Kutcher Ad Pulled Amid Charges Of Racism

An ad for Popchips featuring Ashton Kutcher speaking in a stereotypical Indian accent and wearing brown-face makeup was pulled after a public outcry. What do you think?

I, for one, am glad Popchips decided to go with an American actor instead of outsourcing the job to an actual Indian.


Tara Hall

None of this would have happened if society had more ardently opposed Ashton Kutcher's career in the first place.


Lou Zellner

Why was it racist? Did they not make him brown enough?


Mark Alsop

Maurice Sendak Dead At 83

Children's author Maurice Sendak, whose beloved book Where The Wild Things Are came out in 1963, died of complications from a recent stroke. What do you think?

Stroke is the most common complication of participating in a wild rumpus.


Diane Black

Maurice Sendak Dead At 83

Maurice Sendak introduced me to the world of reading. Well, not so much the world of reading as awesome drawings of monsters.


Noel Kennedy

Maurice Sendak Dead At 83

At least now when my kid tries to avoid bedtime by asking questions about the Wild Things, I can shut him down with, 'We'll never know, because he's dead.'


Peter Rees

Film 'Neighborhood Watch' Gets Name Change

The Fox film studio is changing the name of its comedy Neighborhood Watch to The Watch in order to distance it from the killing of Florida boy Trayvon Martin by a neighborhood watch representative. What do you think?

Sure, but they might get a lot more publicity if they changed the name to Neighborhood Watch: Maybe About Trayvon Martin?


Maggie Ham

I didn't even think of Trayvon until you said that. Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with sobering thoughts all day.


Brian Sneddon

Zimmerman must really feel like shit now.


Marla Wint

North Carolina Bans Gay Marriage

By a margin of 58 to 42 percent, North Carolina voters approved an amendment to the state constitution that bans same-sex marriage. What do you think?

I have a policy of not saying anything negative about the South. Otherwise my Alabama friend will hammer me with his Faulkner-Welty-O'Connor tirade again.


Bryan Hewlett

North Carolina Bans Gay Marriage

Once again, I strongly suspect the underhanded machinations of one Professor Donald Dawes, a con man who travels the country selling state legislatures on phony constitutional amendments.


Peter DeBoer

North Carolina Bans Gay Marriage

Damn right it's banned. The Wright Brothers didn't put a plane in the air to see two dudes kissing under it.


Carrie Wackerman

Consumer Borrowing Increases In March

Overall borrowing, including credit card purchases and student loans, increased more in March than in any month in the past 10 years, pushing the total close to its level immediately preceding the recession. What do you think?

It was only a matter of time before people remembered how fun it is to buy things with money they don't have.


Christopher Bayley

Consumer Borrowing Increases In March

As a lender, I couldn't be happier about this. As a pushover with a lot of creeps for friends, I am pretty sure I am about to lose a lot of money.


Finn Williamson

Consumer Borrowing Increases In March


Joshua Guadagni

Dogs' Thoughts 'Read' With MRI

Using fMRI imagery, scientists were able to see which parts of the brain were activated when specially trained dogs were offered treats. What do you think?

With these sophisticated technologies, we'll be able to use ordinary treats to bend the dog to our will.


Bruce Robson

Dogs' Thoughts 'Read' With MRI

Did he say anything about walking in on me getting dressed that one time? Be specific. I'd really like to know what he thought.


Susan Richings

Dogs' Thoughts 'Read' With MRI

Why dogs? What I really want to find out is what hummingbirds are thinking. So many wing flaps per minute!


Cory Hosford

Brain Surgery Live Tweeted

A brain surgery performed at Houston's Memorial Hermann hospital was live-tweeted, complete with accompanying photos and video. What do you think?

I bet it's just viral marketing for some new brain movie.


Bradley McNair

Brain Surgery Live Tweeted

I thought it was really sweet how @kraftsingles leant their moral support to the operation. #cheeseitup.


Stephanie Conley

Brain Surgery Live Tweeted


Mindy Hadley

North Pacific Experiences Waste Surge

Researchers from the Scripps Institution of Oceanography found that plastic waste in the North Pacific has increased a hundredfold over the past 40 years. What do you think?

It's a good thing I don't live in the Pacific Ocean.


Nick Watson

North Pacific Experiences Waste Surge

Thanks for trying, Pacific, but to us romantics, the most mysterious and captivating region of ocean detritus will always be the Sargasso Sea.


Justin Floyd

North Pacific Experiences Waste Surge

Shit, my bad. I just realized I've been putting my recycling in the wrong bin the last 12 years.


Henry Partain

Was Romney A Bully?

Former classmates of Mitt Romney have reported multiple incidents of bullying by the presidential candidate when he was a student at the prestigious Cranbrook preparatory school in Michigan. What do you think?

I don't get why everyone always says that Romney has no personality when he's very clearly an asshole.


Gayle Hardesty

Was Romney A Bully?

I'm not sure 'bully' is the right word, but it's pretty damn forward to dedicate a chunk of your life to wheedling strangers into worshipping your god.


Thomas Vail

Was Romney A Bully?

There's only one way to find out. Put my shy kid with a lisp in front of him and see if he can keep his slapping hands to himself.


Keri Burns

JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon informed investors that a series of risky positions in synthetic credit securities had resulted in a $2 billion loss for the company. What do you think?

I like that crazy, freewheeling, shoot-from-the-hip style. I think I'll get one of their debit cards.


Alex Hardesty

JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

And just when I was falling in love with our nation's commercial financial institutions again.


Richard Danziger

JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

Double or nothing, Jamie! Otherwise, you'd better slink off to equities with all the other pussies.


Nate Moses

'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend

The Avengers became the first film to make more than $100 million domestically in its second weekend, and has now grossed more than $1 billion to date worldwide. What do you think?

Aw, man, I should have made The Avengers.


Jane Aravena

'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend

Personally, I found that revenue ticker in the lower-right corner of the screen too distracting for me to enjoy the movie.


Andy Trout

'Avengers' Has Record Second Weekend

I'll have my secretary send the Avengers film a bouquet of flowers. Where does it live?


Robert McMinn

Positive Affirmation Makes One Feel Worse

According to a study published in the journal Psychological Science, repeating positive affirmations like "I am a lovable person"" makes depressed people feel worse. What do you think?"

Well, then, what are the magic words you're supposed to say to cure depression?


Terion Neal

You're a wonderful person for letting me know that!


Josh Siedow

That's why I constantly mumble something a bit more realistic, like, 'You are wearing pants,' to help me through the day.


Keith Hansen

Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line

Panamanian fisherman Adrian Vasquez is suing Princess Cruise Lines after one of its ships allegedly chose to ignore a stalled boat in which he and two companions, who later died, had been stranded. What do you think?

Oh, come on, Princess Cruise Lines? Even if you're cast adrift with no food or water, you shouldn't settle for anything less than Royal Caribbean.


Mary Beth Dugan

Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line

At least everyone on the ship waved back.


Alvin Courtin

Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line

And where were they supposed to keep him and his crew? The tennis court? The entertainment lounge? The theater? Perhaps one of the prime sun chairs on the lido deck? No, I don't think so.


Quinn Palmer

Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia

Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month. What do you think?

Oh, man, that's too bad. I bet she was going to dress up like something weird.


Gabriel King

Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia

Fuck, do you know how hard it is to get a refund from Indonesian Ticketmaster?


Marc Taylor

Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia

As Eddie Money's booking agent, I can confirm he is available to step in to fill her commitments. Seriously, he's got a bag packed and everything.


Kelly Green

First Private Flight To Space Station This Week

SpaceX, the privately owned spaceflight company, is planning to launch a robotic capsule to the International Space Station this Saturday. What do you think?

I just don't trust the private sector to properly equip a rocket the way the government does. What happens if they need to make some triplicate forms up there?


Lou Hogan

Hopefully a private flight will finally introduce the kind of prestige and exclusivity that's always been lacking in space travel.


Isaac Guinn

Our collective better get to work on the first anarcho-syndicalist-owned capsule right away, then.


Phil Bartram

Nonwhite Babies Pass White Babies In United States

For the first time in U.S. history, the number of minority babies outstripped the number of white babies. What do you think?

Looks like minorities are finally catching up to whites on desperately trying to fix their relationships.


Reid Nelson

I have faith that Bristol Palin will have enough children to tip the balance.


Julie Brouwer

Technically there was one other time when white babies were outnumbered in this country, but we took care of that.


Anthony Morgan

Bush Endorses Romney

Following a speech in Washington, former president George W. Bush offered an impromptu endorsement of candidate Mitt Romney to reporters. What do you think?

Boom, now Romney carries Fort Worth just like that.


James Bacon

Bush Endorses Romney

This is going to put all those people who supported both Bush and Obama in a real bind.


Cynthia Crosby

Bush Endorses Romney

Yeah, but it doesn't really carry any weight unless Bush gave him a nickname like 'Floppy Toppy' or something.


Colleen Gorney

Sweetener Makes You Dumber

A study published in The Journal of Physiology demonstrated that rats given substantial amounts of high fructose corn syrup learned and remembered less than a control group. What do you think?

What about the study Pepsi financed? What did that show?


Gene Adams

Sweetener Makes You Dumber

Wow. I never realized that a daily can of fruit cocktail is all that stands in the way of my girlfriend wising up and splitting.


Al Hayes

Sweetener Makes You Dumber


Malika Everhart

New DVR Can Skip Ads

A new DVR sold by the Dish Network comes with the capability to pass over ads and is sending shockwaves through the television industry. What do you think?

Can it skip shows too? I'm a busy woman.


Nels Carroll

New DVR Can Skip Ads

OK, but then what happens when you're at a party and can't participate in the conversation about Kraft's new line of marinades?


Jordan Millkie

New DVR Can Skip Ads

Yeah, right. You spend decades bitching about advertising, then one night on YouTube you suddenly find yourself weeping uncontrollably over old Sears Diehard battery commercials from your childhood.


Jay Wilson

Study Logs 2,000 Wrongful Convictions

A new database assembled by two universities has identified more than 2,000 wrongful convictions overturned in the last 23 years, at an average of 11 years each. What do you think?

OK, but how come we never hear about the guys that didn't commit crimes that we didn't lock up?


Audrey Leach

Study Logs 2,000 Wrongful Convictions

I'm glad those who were wrongfully sent to prison will finally have their story told in some college's database nobody will ever look at.


Andy Borgenicht

Study Logs 2,000 Wrongful Convictions

Before you go getting any romantic ideas in your head: I killed those people, and I'd do it again.


Donna Summer Dead

Donna Summer, singer of such disco anthems as "Last Dance"" and ""Love To Love You Baby

died at the age of 63. What do you think?"

I'd prefer being alone with my thoughts. I will post a statement later. I'm triangulating for the sweet spot of heartfelt and most-retweetable.


Donna Summer Dead

At least I got to see her perform live once. I just wished I hadn't booed the entire time now.


Donna Summer Dead

Now it's all up to Robin Gibb to keep living.


Steve Redford

Karzai Thanks U.S. Taxpayers For Covering Cost Of War

In an address given during the NATO summit in Chicago, Afghan president Hamid Karzai thanked the people of the United States for bearing the cost of the war. What do you think?


Susannah Wagner

Ha-ha, joke's on that guy! We haven't paid a cent for that war yet.


Rich Quigley

That's nice and all, but would it have killed him to send along a nice opium basket?


Jordan Geter

Posthumously-Conceived Children Get No Benefits

The Supreme Court ruled that a set of twins conceived with frozen sperm through in vitro fertilization 18 months after the father's death are not eligible for Social Security survivor benefits. What do you think?

In that case, I might as well defrost all that sperm I've been banking for my future widow and use it now.


Denise Stumpf

I thought it in poor taste that Justice Scalia pointed out that they're not eligible for fatherly love either.


Scott Hare

I agree with the decision. Finding the right woman to raise a family with is hard enough as it is. If you let dead guys into the mix, I don't have a chance.


Chris Dierkop

Catholic Orgs Sue Over Birth-Control Rule

Several Catholic institutions, including Notre Dame, are suing the federal government over the Obama administration's birth control funding mandate. What do you think?

I'm not sure how competitive Notre Dame will be this fall if half its starters are dutifully helping their knocked up girlfriends through their last trimesters rather than suiting up when Michigan comes to South Bend.


Amber Buckman

I wouldn't be so irritated with this situation if my Holy Ghost IUD was more reliable.


Frankie Hansen

Why can't we just return to the good old days, when Catholics were having pre-marital sex without contraception, going away for nine months to give birth in a secluded farmhouse, returning to have more pre-marital sex without contraception, and eventually meeting and marrying the closeted gay husband of their dreams?


Isabel Swicker

Egypt Holds First Presidential Elections

Fifteen months after Egyptian ruler Hosni Mubarak was deposed, Egyptians voted in their first-ever free presidential elections. What do you think?

I just hope they elect to be happy; that's the most important thing of all.


Eric McNish

I fail to see how this will improve matters if they just turn around and vote in another Egyptian.


Drew Trotter

Live it up, Egypt. We've been voting for 235 years, and trust me, it never gets old.


Peter Beymer

Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz Case

A suspect in the 1979 disappearance of 6-year-old Etan Patz, the first missing child to be put on a milk carton, was taken into custody. What do you think?

I guess I can stop carrying that milk carton around now.


Rex Hellman

Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz Case

After all those years of wondering whether they were cut out to be investigators, this must be a huge relief for the police.


Adrienne Cooley

Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz Case

I've hoped and prayed for this day. Wait, sorry, wrong missing kid.


Laurie Dare

U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000

A survey revealed that the 2010 census counted an extra 36,000 people, or 0.01 percent, because of duplicate forms and deaths, which is down from the 0.49 percent overcount in the 2000 census. What do you think?

I still don't know about those final numbers. I did a count of my own, and I only got up to like 500 people.


Ron Mann

U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000

Great. So now five tons of ribs and corn on the cob are going to go to waste at the big Fourth of July bash the government's throwing everybody.


David Harring

U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000

Imaginary Americans never get any respect from the Census Bureau.


Kelly Knight

Solar Plane Makes First Intercontinental Flight

Pilots flew the Solar Impulse, an experimental solar-powered two-person aircraft, on a two-leg journey from Switzerland to Morocco. What do you think?

That seems pretty risky. What if Ra becomes displeased and blots out the sun?


Abigail Humphreys

Sure, it may be efficient to fly, but it'll take a lot of the available power for the speakers to make a satisfying roaring sound.


James Dale

Harnessing energy from the sun is so short-sighted. It's just going to blow up in a few trillion years anyway.


Caroline Kellman

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

The Senate Appropriations Committee voted 30-0 to cut aid to Pakistan by $33 million after the country's government arrested and sentenced a doctor who tipped off the United States to Osama bin Laden's location. What do you think?

Why should everyone in Pakistan have to suffer for one doctor's foolish decision to rid the nation of a mass murderer?


Joe Hallier

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

Now they know they need to shape up if they want to hold on to the other $1.47 billion of their aid.


Tom Affleck

U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

I would have voted against it. But only because I get aroused by people yelling at me.


Veronica Palomino

'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Series Reaches 10 Million Sales

Publishing house Vintage has sold 10 million copies of the erotica trilogy Fifty Shades Of Grey in multiple formats in an astonishing six weeks. What do you think?

Whatever happened to the good old days of finding a cheap paperback with women spanking each other on the cover in your dad's sock drawer?


Giovanni Dietrich

I was really excited about it until I opened the book and guess what? It's just a bunch of words.


Anthony Hoffman

Idiots. There's no way there are more than 12 shades of grey.


Matthew Dick

PayPal Now Accepted At 15 Retailers

Online payment service PayPal has struck a deal with 15 brick-and-mortar retailers, including JCPenney and Barnes and Noble, that will enable users to pay for merchandise with their phones. What do you think?

Finally, the ease of paying for something online combined with the inconvenience of having to lug it around.


Sadie Cowper

PayPal Now Accepted At 15 Retailers

Sweet. Now if I just sell 20 more lots of hotel soap on eBay I can waltz into Penney's and finally buy that pack of socks I've had my eye on.


Bill Francks

PayPal Now Accepted At 15 Retailers

I guess since I can't afford a phone that means I don't have to pay at all! Yay!


Frank Spinell

Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List'

According to The New York Times, President Obama approves every name added to a classified kill list of terrorists and has made himself the final arbiter of whether or not to order a strike when an opportunity arises. What do you think?

That's smart. Making a to kill list increases the likelihood you'll get those people killed.


Karen Munro

Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List'

I can't say I agree with the decision to put Mitt Romney on there, but then again, I'm not president.


Adrien Clayton

Obama Presides Over Secret 'Kill List'

Cool! I mean, no president should have that unchecked power. I don't know. I'm confused.


Tanya Brewster

Romney Clinches Republican Nomination

With his victory in the Texas primary, Mitt Romney has amassed enough delegates to secure the Republican nomination for president. What do you think?

Now's the moment when he's in a skyscraper, staring out at a city at night, and he says, 'Do I sacrifice everything? Is it worth it?' Ooooo, I love politics!


Larry Walter

Romney Clinches Republican Nomination

As a Romney supporter, I'm torn. Obviously, I'm happy for the guy, but I guess part of me never wanted this wild primary party to end.


Xander Evans

Romney Clinches Republican Nomination

This is a day that will go down in the history books forever. Because I'm pretty sure they have to keep records of everything like this, no matter how boring, predictable, or inconsequential.


LeAnn Piper

Lugar Will Not Campaign For Republican Nominee

Sen. Dick Lugar (R-IN) announced he won't campaign for Richard Mourdock, the Tea Party–backed candidate who defeated him in the primary. What do you think?

What's he trying to prove? That Republicans can have dignity and character? Ship's sailed, buddy!


Dennis Montone

Primaries really should have a clause that forces the loser to walk around in a sandwich board with the winner's face on it.


Jack Marrow

He reminds me of the type of guy who after you steal his girlfriend won't even tell you what she might like for her birthday.


Jenny Mitchell

Dylan, Albright, Morrison Receive Medal Of Freedom

President Obama honored 13 recipients, including former secretary of state Madeleine Albright, singer Bob Dylan, author Toni Morrison, and astronaut John Glenn, with the Medal of Freedom. What do you think?

This is just an honorary medal, though, right? He's not really going to let these guys go free, is he?


Kevin Henry

I would've picked former secretary of state George Shultz, singer Donovan, author Alice Walker, and astronaut Scott Carpenter, but okay.


Lars Bacmeister

This could really jump-start sales of John Glenn's back catalog.


Lois Taylor

NYC Hopes To Ban Oversized Sodas

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that he would seek to ban the sale of any soda or other sugary beverage larger than 16 ounces. What do you think?

This is going to be a huge blow to businesses that charge people a quarter to use their toilets.


Kent Harris

NYC Hopes To Ban Oversized Sodas

I'm a New York resident who often does not finish the last one-fourth of his can of soda. Can I qualify for a tax credit?


Dane Metzler

NYC Hopes To Ban Oversized Sodas

So instead of getting a 24-ounce soda, I now have to pay more and get two 16-ounce sodas? How much Coca-Cola stock does Bloomberg own?


Tasha McGee

Mormons To March In Gay Pride Parade

One hundred representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will be marching at the head of the Salt Lake City pride parade to show support for the LGBT community. What do you think?

Within the Mormon church, it's very progressive to recognize gay people's right to walk around in public.


Bert Nicholas

Mormons To March In Gay Pride Parade

Before we get all giddy, let's wait and see what they've written on their signs.


Eugene Rasulala

Mormons To March In Gay Pride Parade

I think the church will probably move the Tabernacle while those 100 are marching so they can't find it when the parade's over.


Dirk Macaulay

George Lucas Retiring?

Star Wars director George Lucas announced that he will step away from his production company to focus on making smaller, more experimental films. What do you think?

Good. The young-adult novel expansions on the comics based on the prequel movies were starting to get shitty.


Liz Pinsent

George Lucas Retiring?

What's the point if the characters won't make good Halloween costumes?


John Yancy

George Lucas Retiring?

Hey, Michael Bay, don't get any bright ideas. We need you right where you are.


Erik Cook

Richard Dawson Dead

Richard Dawson, actor and longtime host of Family Feud, died Saturday at 79. What do you think?

Dawson's contribution to the field of frivolous polling will always be remembered.


Mindy Brotherson

Richard Dawson Dead

That was the guy who figured out you could get away with molestation on TV if you were a cheeky game-show host, right? Reprehensible. But admittedly ingenious.


Steve Crain

Richard Dawson Dead

And yet that bastard Wink Martindale lives.


Kenny Grieve

Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space

The National Reconnaissance Office has donated two former spy telescopes to NASA, which hopes to repurpose them to investigate dark energy. What do you think?

They should give NASA some wiretaps to listen in on what those asteroids are saying about us.


Sheena Vincent

Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space

NASA always gets the best hand-me-downs. Remember a couple years ago when the USDA donated a corn picker? Up it went, right into space.


Todd Lanier-Bramlett

Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space

Oh, you believed that, did you? Excellent.


Shane Jawitz

Earhart Died On Pacific Island

The International Group for Historic Aircraft Recovery has concluded that Amelia Earhart died on an uninhabited island after running out of fuel. What do you think?

As long as it's not too late to amend the postage stamps to incorporate this information.


Albertina Spagnuolo

Earhart Died On Pacific Island

If you're flying around the world it's really important to have enough fuel.


Stefan Marshall

Earhart Died On Pacific Island

Well, that's too damn bad. I'm not rewriting act three of my new play Amelia & The Overpopulated Peninsula She Died On.


Ellen Wallace

Herman Cain To Get Talk-Radio Show

Retiring syndicated-radio host Neal Boortz announced he would be replaced by former presidential candidate Herman Cain in 2013. What do you think?

I think Herman Cain is just the guy to raise the level of discourse by bringing the kind of measured, thoughtful voice talk radio has been missing.


David Marinoff

Herman Cain To Get Talk-Radio Show

Okay, this could be good. Who does he have manning the sound effects?


Rick Houston

Herman Cain To Get Talk-Radio Show

I'm really surprised. He always struck me as the type to disappear quietly into private life.


Julie Speer

Republicans Block Equal Pay Bill

A bill that would have made it easier for women to sue for pay inequality was shot down by Senate Republicans. What do you think?

C'mon, everyone knows women don't like nice paychecks. They're only interested in salaries that are hard to get.


Al Clark

Republicans Block Equal Pay Bill

Men have the extra strength and lighter family responsibilities that make them more effective at tasks, such as typing up press releases.


Ray Flora

Republicans Block Equal Pay Bill

I think men should be compensated more for having a penis. We have to lug these things around all day, for God's sake. Do you know how embarrassing that is?


Orianna Gordon

Disney Bans Junk Food Ads

The Walt Disney Co. announced it would no longer run advertisements during children's programs for foods it considers unhealthy. What do you think?

I don't like the idea of the corporation that's raising my kid telling me how to raise my kid.


LeVonn Berryman

Disney Bans Junk Food Ads

It's in their best interest to keep Disney fans thin to save on repairing amusement park rides.


Ben Whitworth

Disney Bans Junk Food Ads

Now we just need to get Hannah Montana to stop smoking Pall Malls.


Marty Katt

LinkedIn Passwords Hacked

The professional social-networking site LinkedIn announced that some of its passwords had been leaked in a security breach. What do you think?

Oh, no! That means someone might have gained access to all my public information.


Dean Wendt

LinkedIn Passwords Hacked

Enjoy reading the names of my work acquaintances while you still can, villains.


Geri Moll

LinkedIn Passwords Hacked

I want to hear why the hackers did it, because they seem to be the only ones who see any value in my damn LinkedIn page.


Jenny Silver

High School Seniors Texting While Driving

In a survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control, 58 percent of high school seniors admitted to sending and receiving text messages while driving. What do you think?

It's the 21st century. We're just going to have to accept that most of us are probably going to die from some shithead kid crashing into us.


Tad French

I knew that kid I saw this morning wasn't reading the copy of The Good Earth he was holding up while driving. The little twerp was using it to hide his phone while he texted!


Sam Autry

I wish they'd go back to the way things were when I was in school and we'd just down a few beers on the road and everyone would punch the shit out of the driver.


Carmen Sincock

Obama Raises $60 Million In May

During May, Obama and the Democratic Party raised a combined $60 million for his reelection campaign, bringing his total to $450 million. What do you think?

That amount may sound impressive, but keep in mind that's in 2012 dollars.


Doug Ripp

Obama Raises $60 Million In May

I hope he uses it to buy a new suit. That's not the only thing he should spend it on, but Americans really like a professional-looking president.


Keith Flanagan

Obama Raises $60 Million In May


Brooke Lenz

Tesla To Sell Cars In Malls

Electric car manufacturer Tesla Motors has begun opening shops in malls to sell its $100,000 vehicles. What do you think?

This will be a huge hit with the 'has $100,000 for an experimental luxury car but still shops in a middle-class retail setting' demographic.


Adam Stavin

Tesla To Sell Cars In Malls

Oh, no! I wish I'd known that; I just bought a Chevy Volt at an open air farmers market!


Calvin Ensign

Tesla To Sell Cars In Malls

Are they hiring? After five years at Borders, I have a great deal of experience working in a retail environment people only enter to use the bathroom.


Mike Williams

Commerce Secretary Involved In Hit-And-Run

U.S. commerce secretary John Bryson was involved in a hit-and-run in Los Angeles when his vehicle struck a car stopped at a train tracks. What do you think?

To think Bryson came to office promising that no one would ever hear of him.


Rona Calvert

This was a bad stunt to pull in an election year. Just hold off until November, and then you can kill as many people as you want.


Will Sterling

Oh, Jesus, the commerce secretary? I was planning on buying and selling goods like crazy this week. Am I totally fucked?


Gordon Pleasance

People More Likely To Die On Birthdays

According to a Swiss study published in the journal Annals Of Epidemiology, people have a 14 percent greater chance of dying on their birthday. What do you think?

Oh, Christ, another way people can make an entire day about themselves.


Deanna Curtis

People More Likely To Die On Birthdays

That's nothing. Last year on my birthday, my parents totally forgot to call and my boyfriend got me the stupidest watch.


Dane Kyes

People More Likely To Die On Birthdays

I like the symmetry of it all, but I hate the idea of roaming the afterlife with a party hat on.


Ernst Kane

'Car Talk' Comes To An End

Ray and Tom Magliozzi, hosts of the public radio program Car Talk, announced they were retiring the popular show after 25 years of broadcasting nationally. What do you think?

That's okay, my new mechanic does some pretty funny wisecracks too, I guess. Except his are usually about what a dumbfuck I am and how much he likes my wife's tits.


Mallory Beck

'Car Talk' Comes To An End

It's about time they stepped aside and made way for a new generation of self-amused mechanics.


Hal McLean

'Car Talk' Comes To An End

So, at what point should I just start directing all my automotive questions to Ira Glass?


Wanda Soles

Americans' Wealth Down 40%

The median net worth of American families has fallen from $126,400 in 2007 to $77,300 in 2012, bringing middle-class wealth back down to 1992 levels. What do you think?

Yeah, I'd put your money in gold and not kids right now, that's for sure.


Billy Cyphers

Americans' Wealth Down 40%

So? Just live another 20 years and earn it all back.


Steve Richards

Americans' Wealth Down 40%

Are you sure? I didn't make any money in 2007 and I don't make any money now, so I call your bluff.


Chantall Brooker

First Lady Joins Pinterest

Michelle Obama joined the social networking site Pinterest, adding photos of her family and her garden. What do you think?

I guess that's why she hasn't updated her 'Fuck Yeah, Swiss Chard' Tumblr account in a while.


Adam Zito

First Lady Joins Pinterest

If only Andrew Breitbart were alive to comment on this development.


Todd White

First Lady Joins Pinterest

This administration is so hip and in line with our interests. We'd be fools not to vote for them.


Rick Green

HBO Apologizes For Bush Decapitation

Republicans are angry following an admission by the creators of the HBO series Game Of Thrones that a scene in the season-one finale featured a severed replica of former president George W. Bush's head on a pike. What do you think?

Thus fulfilling their outrage quota for the day.


Lee Willis

HBO Apologizes For Bush Decapitation

Just another example of the liberal media using popular entertainment as a vehicle for displaying the dismembered heads of conservative icons.


Maria Nichols

HBO Apologizes For Bush Decapitation

I admit the head thing was pretty cruel, but they really crossed the line with those Bush-twin doubles having sex in the background of the next scene.


Albert Lehman

Town Fines For Public Cursing

The town of Middleborough, MA voted to impose a $20 fine on anyone using obscene language in public. What do you think?

Like I've always said: Someday, only the rich will swear.


Raul Gillette

Town Fines For Public Cursing

Why not just install some giant bleep machines all around town that go off really loudly anytime someone curses?


Monica Daskawisz

Town Fines For Public Cursing

Good thing I've been working on my obscene pantomimes.


Jane Carroll

Obama Losing Global Appeal

A Pew Research Center poll indicates that President Barack Obama's popularity is slipping around the globe, due in part to disapproval of drone airstrikes. What do you think?

He better watch out, or the rest of the world might decide to vote for Romney in November.\


Nick Joseph

Obama Losing Global Appeal

Look, we can send in flying deathbots to do the dirty work, or we can invade your country and level it. You choose, but we gotta do something.


Ed Wilmot

Obama Losing Global Appeal

Hold up. I'm not going to stand here while some filthy foreigner talks smack about the president I hate.


Shoshanna Wright

Stress Up Since 1983

According to a Carnegie Mellon University study, stress levels in the United States increased 18 percent for women and 24 percent for men between 1983 and 2009. What do you think?

That sounds about right. I feel about 6 percent less additional stress than my husband.


David Lillian

Stress Up Since 1983

Finally, scientific proof that things were better when I was a kid. Now to tell my children of the paradise lost that was the '80s.


Sean Pitofsky

Stress Up Since 1983

Every year since I lost my piano tie, my life has been a living hell.


Lucas Friel

Romney Promises 'The Opposite' Of Obama On Israel

This past weekend, Mitt Romney vowed that he would look at what President Obama has done regarding Israel and "do the opposite."" What do you think?"

I can only assume what Romney means is that he's going to cut off aid to Israel, support the Palestinians, and make out with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.


Beth Altman

If applied uniformly across the board, this style of rhetoric could really take the guesswork out of Romney's positions on everything.


Ray Creaghead

Okay, so he's got his foreign policy down, but what about the economy? Has he mentioned whether he'll make it better or did he say he would make it worse? The answer is important.


Moe Hernandez

'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers

TNT's Dallas, a continuation of the classic 1980s prime-time soap opera, premiered Wednesday with 6.9 million viewers, the most of any new scripted show on cable this year. What do you think?

Oh, I bet they propped Linda Gray up in the background wearing something just ravishing, didn't they?


Mila Dobler

'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers

We should stop relying on oil dynasties and start making soap operas using alternative characters, like feisty social media barons and bitchy heads of NGOs.


Tom Weston

'Dallas' Update Draws 7 Million Viewers

It's been a while since I've thought about Patrick Duffy. Not since his birthday a couple years ago.


Sid Johnson

Latest Apple Maps Leaves Out Mass Transit

The latest mobile operating system for the iPhone and iPad has drawn criticism for omitting public transportation options from its Maps application. What do you think?

To be honest, I'd be a little embarrassed if my iPhone knew I was using public transportation.


Becky Evans

There's an app for that! Ha-ha! Oh, wait, there isn't? This is the first time that joke has ever let me down.


Roy Kirsch

As someone whose consumer choices are meant to reflect a progressive world view, this comes as a disappointment.


Gene Dahm

Hebrew National Hot Dogs Not Kosher?

A lawsuit filed against ConAgra Foods alleges its Hebrew National brand of hot dogs are not produced in strict accordance with Orthodox Jewish law, and therefore not kosher, despite being marketed as such. What do you think?

So, there's a right way to shove a bunch of ground cow bits into an intestine?


Renée Ambrose

Hebrew National Hot Dogs Not Kosher?

I can't speak to the kosher qualities of Hebrew National hot dogs, but ConAgra's Reddi-wip still adds the great taste of real whipped cream to my favorite fruits and desserts thanks to its new and improved formula. That's the real cream advantage!


Carl Vebber

Hebrew National Hot Dogs Not Kosher?

What do they want exactly? I've been making all the pigs we use wear tiny little yarmulkes.


Maxine Karlin

Greece Votes In Pro-Euro Party

With the center-right political party New Democracy placing first in Greece's parliamentary elections, the fiscally troubled nation appears poised to remain in the 17-nation eurozone. What do you think?

Good for the Greeks. Now they can get back to doing what everybody says they should be doing.


Roman Siegel

Greece Votes In Pro-Euro Party

That's reassuring, because when the Greeks commit to something, their word is as good as gold for six weeks.


Brian Kolb

Greece Votes In Pro-Euro Party

Oh, come on, Greece. How often does a small country get the chance to screw up the entire world for generations? Not counting Israel.


Clara LaFleur

Assange Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who is currently awaiting extradition from the UK to Sweden to face rape and sexual assault charges, has taken refuge in the Ecuadorean embassy in London and is seeking political asylum in the South American country. What do you think?

Can't he just go to Roman Polanski's house?


Martin Banker

Assange Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

Man, he's going to get nailed with some serious checked baggage fees for all the sunscreen he'll need to pack.


Sean Loew

Assange Seeks Asylum In Ecuador

Dammit. How long does this guy think I'm going to keep feeding his cat?


Ed Guterman

Report: Moderate Drinking May Not Affect Fetus

A Danish study suggests that drinking low to moderate amounts of alcohol in the early months of pregnancy may not be harmful to the baby. What do you think?

That's good news for my pregnant lady wine-tasting business plan.


Nicole Ganz

That's great to know, but let's say I wanted to do some damage?


Shandra Schneider

Eating Disorders Common Among Older Women

A study by researchers at the University of North Carolina found that 13 percent of women 50 years of age and older had an eating disorder such as binge-eating or bulimia, including many women over the age of 75. What do you think?

Look, once your husband's gone, there's nobody left to keep up appearances or keep down food for.


Remmick Harris

Well, you know, you get all busy and preoccupied, then pow, suddenly you're 50, and it dawns on you, 'My God, I never got around to that eating disorder.'


Ken Faisca

No wonder, when they're being constantly bombarded with unrealistic images of Judi Dench and Maggie Smith.


Jennifer Roeder

Justice Department Sues 2 Polygamous Communities

The U.S. Department of Justice is suing the communities of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT, alleging a pattern of discrimination against residents who do not belong to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What do you think?

As a resident of Hildale and a nonmember of this overbearing church, the real question is, what the fuck am I doing here?


Jason Janosch

The people in those towns just need to lie in job interviews and say they have a few more wives than they do.


Joe Garden

It's about time. Now when are we going after those people who won't use zippers?


Roman Karwowski

Syrian Fighter Pilot Granted Asylum

Defecting from the Assad regime, a Syrian air force colonel flew his Russian-made jet to Jordan, where he was granted asylum. What do you think?

The Jordanians are kings of getting free fighter jets.


Joseph Gallo

Syrian Fighter Pilot Granted Asylum

For old times' sake, I hope he took the chance to fire on some civilians before he left.


Michelle Randazzo

Syrian Fighter Pilot Granted Asylum

I hope he doesn't get homesick for all of those Syrian things, you know, that Syria has.


Jerry Faulk

U.S. Facing Helium Shortage

With its helium reserves rapidly depleting, the United States faces a shortage expected to have a detrimental effect on certain sectors of the economy. What do you think?

Ah, the hell with balloons anyway. They were useless for getting me well soon.


Dana Creamer

U.S. Facing Helium Shortage

Greetings, earthling. We come in peace. See? Not as funny without the helium, is it?


Gary William

U.S. Facing Helium Shortage

As a dirigible pilot since 1935, I thank God for an excuse to get out of this fucking business.


Ron Nardiello

Scientists To DNA Test Bigfoot Evidence

Scientists from Oxford University have reached out to cryptozoologists to collect any purported biological evidence left behind by Sasquatches or yetis to be DNA tested. What do you think?


Tina Daley

Scientists To DNA Test Bigfoot Evidence

Seems a little mean after Bigfoot went to so much trouble to hide from us.


Gene Levi

Scientists To DNA Test Bigfoot Evidence

You almost got me! What are they actually working on?


Chris Steadman

Overhead Bins Grow To Hold Larger Carry-Ons

Several airlines, including Delta, American, and United, are buying new planes with larger overhead bins or retrofitting older planes to accommodate larger carry-on bags. What do you think?

Good. I hate storing my things in another part of the same plane I'm flying on.


Candice Blythe

That's great news for customers. Larger carry-ons means more weight on flights, which means greater fuel consumption, which should send ticket prices down, if I'm not mistaken.


Timothy Locke

I'm going to use the extra space to store all my problems, because I'm on vacation!


Michele DoQui

Killings Of Environmentalists On The Rise

According to a report from the group Global Witness, murders of environmental activists have risen dramatically over the past three years. What do you think?

Yeah, well, natural disasters killed 27,000 people last year compared with 106 environmentalist murders, so maybe these people should reconsider their loyalties.


Michael Wise

Oh, I know. Just last week my brother-in-law wouldn't stop talking about how I absolutely had to start using a composting toilet, and I could've just—argh! You understand, right?


Duke Perry

Has anyone investigated Joni Mitchell? She's probably raking in some serious scratch from performances of 'Big Yellow Taxi' at all the funerals.


Tina Waterland

Hottest 12 Months On Record

The period between May 2011 and April 2012 was the hottest since record-keeping began in 1895. What do you think?

I was wondering why I was complaining so much.


Arlen Marotte

Hottest 12 Months On Record

Sweet. My cousin Thad just put in a pool.


Pete Murchison

Hottest 12 Months On Record


Chelsea Parizo

Romney Raises Record-Breaking $106 Million

Republican Mitt Romney's presidential campaign took in $106 million in June, or roughly $3.5 million a day, breaking a fundraising record for the second consecutive month. What do you think?


Christopher Broadway

I threw in 50 bucks to attend one of his fundraisers, but that's just because I wanted to meet Jeff Foxworthy.


Lauren Walsh

As long as he's happy, I don't care how much money he makes in a day.


Chris Condos

Dog Owners Have Healthier Babies

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that infants who lived in homes with dogs had fewer coughs, colds, and ear infections than infants from canine-free homes. What do you think?

On the downside, you've got to be the person who has a dog and a baby and acts like a better person for having both.


Vin Rao

Dog Owners Have Healthier Babies

Meanwhile, babies who like iguanas are more likely to one day listen to the Cure.


Kay Devadanam

Dog Owners Have Healthier Babies

That makes me feel better about all the deer ticks.


Marie Mercincavage

Time In Outer Space Lengthens Worms' Lives

A study of microscopic worms taken aboard the International Space Station found that the suppression of several genes during their exposure to a microgravity environment resulted in longer life spans. What do you think?

Is there a way I could send my old pal Tapey up there? I'd sure like to be able to give her a few more years.


Luke Fehrenbach

Or you can keep them in the fridge and they'll live longer that way, too.


Liz Ryder

The numbers are great, but I'm more concerned about worm quality of life.


Ross Pitt

Russia Ends Sales Of Weapons To Syria

Sixteen months into a bloody crackdown in Syria that has left an estimated 17,000 dead, Russia has agreed to halt arms shipments to the Assad regime. What do you think?

Ooh, do you think I should stop sending them weapons, too?


Caroline Harper

Russia Ends Sales Of Weapons To Syria

No amount of revenue is worth having Hillary Clinton mad at you.


Alphons D'Errico

Russia Ends Sales Of Weapons To Syria

That's pretty inconsiderate. What's the Syrian army supposed to kill people with now?


Ali Jennings-Fong

Romney Courts Black Voters With NAACP Speech

Hoping to win votes among a demographic that supported Barack Obama by a margin of 19-to-1 in the last election, GOP candidate Mitt Romney today addressed the NAACP's annual convention, an event Obama decided to skip this year. What do you think?

Say what you will, but I thought his rap about trickle-down economics went over about as well as it could.


Justin Kelly

We sure have come a long way from the time when black people weren't even allowed to be pandered to.


Reba Buckley

I bet Obama's just worried his speech wouldn't go over as well.


Matt Carney

House Votes To Repeal 'Obamacare'

In a largely symbolic measure, the House of Representatives voted 244-185 to repeal the Affordable Care Act, the 33rd time in the past year and a half that the GOP-controlled chamber has sought to eliminate or curb the policy. What do you think?

I heard they almost got Obama on the 29th time.


Damien Ma

House Votes To Repeal 'Obamacare'

If Republicans weren't so obsessed with Obamacare, they could move on to other important parts of their symbolic legislative agenda, like banning our nation's teachers from pursuing their rampantly gay agenda.


Emily Scott

House Votes To Repeal 'Obamacare'


Erica Kaell

Peter O'Toole Retires

After a career of six decades, 79-year-old Irish actor Peter O'Toole, famous for his starring roles in Lawrence Of Arabia and Goodbye, Mr. Chips, as well as a life of hard drinking and carousing, has announced his retirement. What do youthink?

I knew his drinking would catch up to him in six decades' time.


Steve Chapman

Peter O'Toole Retires

I guess he realized he needed to get serious about bridge to have any hope of ever beating Omar Sharif.


Andre Horesh

Peter O'Toole Retires

So you're saying there's a position open to become Peter O'Toole? No need to keep hinting. I'll take the job.


Brennan Campbell

Bin Laden's Cook Released From Gitmo

After 10 years as a prisoner at Guantánamo Bay, 52-year-old Ibrahim al-Qosi, who served as a cook at an al-Qaeda compound in Afghanistan, was released and allowed to return to Sudan. What do you think?

I don't know if this is a good idea. Steven Seagal was a cook in that one movie and he was 100 percent deadly.


Jess Kearns

Bin Laden's Cook Released From Gitmo

So did he give up that positively sinful basbousa recipe, or what?


Timothy Hwong

Bin Laden's Cook Released From Gitmo

Lucky. I wish I had an employable skill like cooking.


Eliza Spurr

Rolling Stones Turn 50

The iconic British rock band the Rolling Stones made their debut at London's Marquee Club 50 years ago yesterday. What do you think?

They're a towering example of how age truly doesn't matter. Except for the bassist guy who said, 'Fuck this, I'm too old for this shit,' and quit.


Max Ochoa

Rolling Stones Turn 50

I'm not impressed unless their instruments are also 50 years old.


Joe Kane

Rolling Stones Turn 50

Oh, it's pathetic because they're so old. Is that what you want me to say? Fuck you—you never wrote 'Moonlight Mile.'


Em Morwood

Steven Tyler Leaving 'American Idol'

After two years serving as a judge, 64-year-old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler announced he is leaving the long-running Fox reality singing competition American Idol. What do you think?

I don't know if the contest is going to mean anything without Steven Tyler's legitimizing stamp of approval.


Eugene Clifton

Steven Tyler Leaving 'American Idol'

I'm sort of glad. It's been weird going to Aerosmith shows and having to stare at that empty microphone stand with all the strands of cloth hanging from it for three hours while the rest of the band plays.


Nicholas Dolci

Steven Tyler Leaving 'American Idol'

Well, that's just great. Now what am I supposed to do with all these illegally branded American Idol wax lips?


Sarah Harmeyer

London Authorities Shut Off Springsteen, McCartney Mics

At a Bruce Springsteen concert in London's Hyde Park on Saturday, local authorities shut off the power on stage to comply with a 10:30 p.m. curfew, cutting short the show's finale, in which Paul McCartney performed alongside the Boss. What do you think?


Sean Diez

I'm so glad I live in a city where no one polices the park at night.


Jaewoo Kang

Pshaw! A true rock 'n' roller's curfew runs until 11 p.m.


Sara Lam

London Olympics Doesn't Have Enough Security Guards

Private security firm G4S informed British lawmakers that it would be unable to provide the 10,400 security guards it had promised for the upcoming summer Olympics, admitting that only 4,200 individuals had been trained as of Tuesday. What do you think?

You wouldn't have this kind of trouble in the United States, where the private sector runs everything with maximum efficiency.


Emily Meadows

At least they discovered this in time for everyone to be terrified during the games.


Phil Engel

You know who had a lot of security guards at the Olympics? Hitler.


David Nakajima

Australia May Drop Great White's Protected Status

A surfer was killed by a great white shark off the western coast of Australia Saturday, marking the fifth fatal attack there in under a year and prompting officials to consider ending the protected status of the species. What do you think?

Seems like they could solve this problem if they just gave that status to humans.


Faisal Champion

But great whites play a necessary ecological role in controlling the surfer population.


Tina Ahmed

It's about time they start letting people fight back when they're getting attacked by a shark.


Shirley Lyon

Coachella To Be Held On Cruise Ship

Partnering with Celebrity Cruises, the popular Southern California music festival Coachella is expanding its presence to a 3,000-person vessel dubbed the S.S. Coachella, which will travel through the Caribbean this December. What do you think?

That's great news. If there's one problem with these multiday music festivals, it's that you can escape them.


Dave Grazewski

Coachella To Be Held On Cruise Ship

Eh. Once Sleigh Bells hits their fourth dinner show of the night they really slow down.


Merritt Cashin

Coachella To Be Held On Cruise Ship


Agnes Bellingham

More People Turning To YouTube For News

A study from the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism found that people are increasingly turning to online video sites like YouTube for their news, with eyewitness footage of events such as natural disasters and political unrest proving particularly popular. What do you think?

I knew there was a reason why print newspapers were dying, but I never suspected it had anything to do with the Internet. Thanks, Project for Excellence in Journalism! Once again, you have lived up to your name!


Scott Brave

More People Turning To YouTube For News

TV news is the worst. It's like if the weather guy is wearing something stupid, there's nowhere to even comment 'LOL nice fag tie!'


Kyung Park

More People Turning To YouTube For News

I've watched the 2004 tsunami probably 300 times.


Shanti Hasan

Chris Christie To Deliver RNC Keynote Speech

New Jersey governor Chris Christie has reportedly been chosen to deliver the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month in Tampa, FL. What do you think?

I don't care who's talking as long as they mention my state or career, so I can whoop.


Tom Klier

If he's never been to Tampa, I recommend he check out its downtown area. That's usually what you do your first time in a new city.


Cabray Evans

That's going to be one hell of a podium.


Nishat Goodman

Boy Scouts Reaffirm Policy Banning Gays

Following a two-year review, the Boy Scouts of America reaffirmed its practice of denying membership to all openly gay scouts and scout leaders, saying such a policy was "in the best interest of Scouting."" What do you think?"

If there's one thing human sexual preference is powerless against, it's a policy banning it.


Alexei Bacon

Boy Scouts Reaffirm Policy Banning Gays

As I tell all my sons when they turn 10, you have to choose: It's either the gays or the Boy Scouts. You can't have it all.


Andrew Zelenev

Boy Scouts Reaffirm Policy Banning Gays

I guess all the gay people who were going to join the Boy Scouts are just going to have to join the army instead.


Isaac Price

Microsoft Announces First-Ever Quarterly Loss

Software giant Microsoft reported a quarterly loss for the first time since the company went public in 1986, losing $492 million in the most recent quarter due to a major write-down in its online division. What do you think?

What they should do is use their immense size to box their smaller competitors out of the market. Have they tried that?


Phoebe Ellington

Giving Solitaire away for free was a huge blunder.


Pedro Reyes

I'm glad Microsoft is finally acting like a modern Internet company.


Charlie Haines

Nelson Mandela Turns 94

To celebrate former president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela's 94th birthday Wednesday, citizens throughout South Africa dedicated 67 minutes of the day—one minute for each year of Mandela's public service—to volunteering activities. What do you think?

So I guess he was just being lazy those other 27 years.


Everett Middlebrooks

Nelson Mandela Turns 94

How tough could life under apartheid have been if this guy's 94 years old?


Alexandra Staats

Nelson Mandela Turns 94


Ron Upton

Iron Dumped In Ocean Might Slow Global Warming

According to a study published in the journal Nature, dumping iron at sea could encourage the growth of large blooms of algae, which in turn could soak up excess carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. What do you think?

Then it appears my choice to use iron to weigh down the bodies was not only practical, but environmentally sound as well. Nicely done, me.


Natalie Ciriaco

Finally, a foolproof solution to global warming that couldn't be misapplied in any way.


Jackson Cohen

Then again, it might just make a fun splashing sound. Either way, win-win.


Dirk Blosser

21 Burned At Tony Robbins Event

Twenty-one people were treated for burns after they walked across hot coals as part of a four-day Unleash the Power Within event hosted by famed motivational speaker and self-help guru Tony Robbins last week. What do you think?

This is the third course I've taken through the Learning Annex and honestly, I was more badly injured in the first two.


Kayleigh Skatvold

21 Burned At Tony Robbins Event

Some cynics might question the purpose of all this, but the fact of the matter is that these people got off their butts, went out into the real world, and got seriously hurt, instead of just reading about it online.


Keith Shevlin

21 Burned At Tony Robbins Event

With Tony Robbins's help, they'll be back to trusting motivational gurus in no time.


Pete Noback

George W. Bush Not Attending RNC

Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation to attend next month's Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL. What do you think?

Probably for the best. I imagine his elocution's a bit rusty.


Sarah Rhem

George W. Bush Not Attending RNC

What a moron. I bet they would have comped his drinks and everything.


Fabio Morales

George W. Bush Not Attending RNC

I guess he realized politics just wasn't for him.


Bonnie Osgood

Sally Ride Dies

Former astronaut Sally Ride, who in 1983 became the first American woman to travel into space, died in her San Diego home yesterday at age 61. What do you think?

It's a shame. No astronaut should outlive their space program.


Matt Rauchut

Sally Ride Dies

Sally Ride taught me women can do anything and it's not a big deal at all.


Aaron Linnell

Sally Ride Dies

Well, I still think that female astronaut who drove 20 hours or something with diapers on ought to be ashamed of herself.


Adam Lyons

Gun Sales Surge After Shooting

In the wake of last Friday's mass shooting at a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises, sales of firearms have surged in many states, with Colorado in particular reporting a 43 percent increase in gun sales from the previous week. What do you think?

Finally, the silver lining we've all been waiting for.


Steve Fenbert

Gun Sales Surge After Shooting

Be warned: They could be wasting their time and money. I own two automatic rifles and three Glocks, and still no one has invited me to join a well-regulated militia.


Emily Napolitano

Gun Sales Surge After Shooting

It's nice to see consumers out spending again.


Tim Muran

Syria: Chemical Weapons Won't Be Used On Civilians

A spokesman for President Bashar al-Assad's government said it would never use its presumed stockpile of cyanide, sarin, and mustard gas against Syrian citizens amid the nation's ongoing uprising. What do you think?

But that's half the fun of chemical weapons.


Melissa Preville

And yet out of all of Obama's many lofty promises to us, did he ever once vow not to murder or gas us to death? No, he did not.


Katharine Goldfein

Thank goodness. I hate when genocide is inhumane.


Blake Guenther

Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster

While visiting southeastern Connecticut tourist attractions yesterday, Gov. Dan Malloy officially pardoned a 15-pound lobster at a Noank, CT restaurant and then released it into the Mystic River. What do you think?

But if that lobster goes out and commits violent rape, it could cost this guy the next election.


Shelly Woodson

Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster

Sadly, when that lobster gets home, he's going to find an entire underwater town that's moved on without him.


Marques Opad

Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster

Finally, someone delivers on a campaign promise.


Chrissy Laurenitis

Catholic Leader Jailed For Covering Up Abuse

Monsignor William J. Lynn of the Philadelphia Archdiocese received a prison sentence of three to six years after becoming the first Roman Catholic Church official in the United States convicted of covering up the sexual abuse of children by priests. What do you think?

It's hard to believe this one guy was solely responsible for every single cover-up associated with the church's abuse scandals, but you saw their press release.


Matthew Bakalar

In addition, the court stripped the Philadelphia Archdiocese of all baptisms performed during Lynn's tenure, meaning it is no longer the baptizingest parish in history.


Scott Dube

Disney World Visitors Contract Mystery Illness

Since June, several dozen visitors to Walt Disney World's Wild Africa Trek in Florida have been sickened by an unknown illness that causes flu-like symptoms, including nausea, fatigue, and diarrhea. What do you think?

Flu-like? If I'm paying for a true African experience I better be getting some malaria-like or sickle-cell-type symptoms.


Gordon Julow

That's why I never let my kids stray beyond the sanitary confines of Epcot's Norway Pavilion.


Ralph Borja

Uh-oh. They didn't accidentally touch Goofy, did they?


Brendan Mulcahy

Computer Virus May Be Blasting AC/DC In Iran

A new computer virus that targets Iran's nuclear facilities is believed to be causing AC/DC's Thunderstruck to blast at full volume from Iranian scientists' workstations in the middle of the night. What do you think?

My God, someone has hijacked AC/DC's art and turned it into a weapon.


Fletcher Holic

Oh, yeah, I think those assholes at WZBB have the same virus.


Brittany Tobias

AC/DC is a good start. Then, slowly, they can be introduced to Boston, then some Rush, then Judas Priest, and then on to Mötorhead, after which they'll be so enlightened that they'll discontinue any nuclear weapons program.


Patrick Bouchelle

Storms Could Deplete Ozone Layer Above U.S.

According to Harvard University scientists, water vapor lofted into the stratosphere by severe summer storms could react with chemicals there to destroy the ozone layer above the central United States, leading to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation. What do you think?

At least this will get all my friends from Oklahoma to shut up about how great their ozone is.


Kaetlyn Marisa

I guess the only solution is to get some governor to pray to God for less rain, not more.


Carly West

I thought we already proved that anything to do with the climate was fake?


Steve Bailey

370 Million Without Power In India

Northern India's power grid failed early this morning, causing a blackout in the capital of New Delhi, shutting down train service, and leaving more than a third of a billion people without electricity amid the summer heat. What do you think?

Wow, so the other 830 million people are relaxing in nice, cool air-conditioning? Lucky jerks.


Ally Pendleton

370 Million Without Power In India

We need to band together and rush them a list of ways to beat the summer heat.


Fisher McNamara

370 Million Without Power In India

If I were there, you know what I would do? Complain a bunch.


Austin Guttenberg

Seal Flu Could Infect Humans

A strain of bird flu known as H3N8 was found to be responsible for the deaths of 162 harbor seals that washed up on New England beaches last fall, leading scientists to fear the virus could spread to other mammals, including humans. What do you think?

I'm no scientist, but when I hear 162 seals are found dead, I immediately think suicide pact.


Brian Garber

Seal Flu Could Infect Humans

Can we still use our masks from H3N5 or H3N7?


Barbara Suarez

Seal Flu Could Infect Humans

Aw, jeez, now you tell me. I just picked up a couple of seal steaks at the Price Chopper.


Marvin Weddle

Iran Urges Population To Have More Babies

Fearing that an aging population could strain social services, Iranian leaders have reversed the nation's pro-family-planning policies and are now urging citizens to have more children. What do you think?

Government has no right to pressure individuals to have children. That's strictly the role of the individuals' parents, extended family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers.


Penny Lawrence

Just flat-out asking them is not going to work. You have to cause a national power grid failure to dim the lights, and then maybe put on a little Behzad Ranjbaran by launching a fleet of loudspeaker-equipped vans.


John Tarbuck

All right! Let the fucking under strict Islamic guidelines begin.


Marguerite Heutschly

Ebola Reaches Ugandan Capital

With 16 confirmed dead from the latest outbreak of Ebola in Uganda, including at least one fatality in the nation's capital of Kampala, officials are urging citizens to help stem the spread of the highly lethal disease by not shaking hands or having casual sex. What do you think?

Every 20 years I plan a trip to Uganda, and every 20 years, boom, Ebola.


Howard Striglos

Ebola Reaches Ugandan Capital

If they think that's bad, they should see every other thing happening in Uganda.


Herb Thompson

Ebola Reaches Ugandan Capital

My thoughts go out to all those unable to have casual sex.