Omar Thakker

India Closing In On China

The Indians could fast become the dominant superpower, what with the awesome might of the world's longest fingernails at their disposal.


Donna Majoro

India Closing In On China

With a population of one billion and a birth rate nearly double that of China, India is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the next few years. What do you think about this rapidly approaching demographic milestone?

At last, India will finally have enough people to watch all those movies they put out every year.


Matthew Kramer

The Firestone Tire Recall

Last month, Firestone announced a recall of 6.5 million tires following reports of 46 deaths related to blowouts of tires on Ford sport-utility vehicles. The death toll has since risen to 88. What do you think?

You can bet that from now on, I'll only be buying Michelins–the only tire safe enough for a nude infant to ride around in without even any car.


Diane Tendero

The Firestone Tire Recall

SUV drivers are being killed. Killed, I tell you! Whoopee!


Donna Petruso

The Firestone Tire Recall

This is precisely why I will not permit vulcanization in my home.


Ron Gullett

The Firestone Tire Recall

I bet those Consumer Reports guys are really creaming their jeans over this one.


Marty Reese

The Firestone Tire Recall

This should be a boon to Fox's America's Deadliest Crashes. I'm sick of seeing that motorcycle run into the bus.


Ed Westlake

The Firestone Tire Recall

I still say it's better to careen off a cliff in a Ford than drive a Chevy.


Gloria Halpern

The Debate Debate

For months, Al Gore and George Bush have been unable to agree on a presidential-debate format, with each candidate accusing the other of ducking a face-off. What do you think?

A free and open debate is absolutely vital if we are to maintain the illusion of American participatory democracy.


Rich Ruffalo

The Debate Debate

Shit, man, you just know it'll wind up preempting Nash Bridges.


Victor Huard

The Debate Debate

I thought Bush made a perfectly reasonable demand that the debate be set at a Bush rally and that Gore not be given a microphone.


Arthur Reese

The Debate Debate

Any presidential debate will be a hollow sham unless they invite Natural Law Party candidate John Hagelin.


Lisa Helgenberg

The Debate Debate

We need a debate so the candidates can get to the heart of their carefully rehearsed opinions on a list of pre-selected topics.


Andre Thomas

The Debate Debate

A debate would be an invaluable way to see just how different these candidates are. For example, on the issue of the death penalty, Bush supports it, while Gore is strongly in favor.


Therese Allen

Washington vs. Hollywood

In recent weeks, both George W. Bush and Al Gore have stepped up their attacks against the entertainment industry for marketing violent and sexual content to young people. What do you think?

I let my son see that Porky's movie back when he was an impressionable teenager, and now he has sex all the time.


Michelle Wilens

Washington vs. Hollywood

If Gore wants to be critical of Hollywood, he needs to stop accepting all those guest spots on The Practice.


Dan Duckett

Washington vs. Hollywood

Remember that one scene in the Gulf War, where the Iraqi dude gets his head blown off and the brain chunks splatter all over his screaming wife? That was awesome.


Frederick Meese

Washington vs. Hollywood

Some say those pro-wrestling shows go too far, but my son just loves rooting for 'The Wifebeater' and 'Superkike.' It's the only TV that keeps him quiet.


Len Buice

Washington vs. Hollywood

Not all kids want to see sex and violence on TV, you know. My brother, for example, loves violence, whereas I much prefer the sex.


Curt Dawkins

Washington vs. Hollywood

We must clean up the airwaves and make them safe for children! Oh, and I suppose we could do that to the actual streets of the nation, as well.


Ben Upchurch

A Year Without Movies Or TV?

Hollywood is on edge over potential actors' and writers' strikes next year, which would cripple the television and film industries. What do you think about these looming work stoppages?

My God. Episodes of Titus might have to be rationed to one a month.


Robert Anders

A Year Without Movies Or TV?

The commercial actors have been on strike for five months, and just look how the quality has slipped. That new Buick Regal ad is a huge disappointment.


Dana Demuth

A Year Without Movies Or TV?

How am I supposed to get by on the hundreds of thousands of movies and TV shows that have already been made?


Ken Watson

A Year Without Movies Or TV?

It sickens me that these studio overlords refuse to give in to these poor actors' simple demand for seared foie gras with young arugula and cherry chutney in their catering spreads.


Andrea Leach

A Year Without Movies Or TV?

I was deeply moved when Jenna Elfman stood up on that ABC-sweatshop table holding a 'Union' sign.


Larry Odomes

A Year Without Movies Or TV?

I'm only supporting the strike because I don't want to get on David Hyde Pierce's bad side.


Patrick Klennert

The Abortion Pill

Last week, the FDA approved the controversial French abortion pill RU-486, permitting non-surgical abortions in the U.S. for the first time and sparking protest from pro-life advocates. What do you think?

Now, hold on there. Isn't there a line in The Bible specifically prohibiting safe, non-invasive, affordable medical procedures for women?


Robert Ketcham

The Abortion Pill

The Europeans have always been ahead of us culturally and philosophically. But we've finally caught up to them abortionally.


Liz Lathon

The Abortion Pill

I just wish this pill had been available seven years ago. You hear that, Corey?


Ronald Lee

The Abortion Pill

This abortion thing is getting out of control. Do you realize this planet is down to its last six billion people?


Audra Fusco

The Abortion Pill

This drug will only encourage young kids to get hooked on the pain and trauma of abortion.


Nate Thurman

The Abortion Pill

If women can deal with unwanted pregnancies safely without it destroying their lives, how are they ever going to learn?


Rachel Klein

Upheaval In Yugoslavia

After refusing to concede defeat in the Sept. 24 election, Yugoslavian president Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down amid mass protests Friday, ceding power to opposition leader Vojislav Kostunica. What do you think of the Yugoslavian uprising?

Just when everyone was getting used to all the hatred and killing, they had to go and change everything.


Milt Burris

Upheaval In Yugoslavia


Joe Bonner

Upheaval In Yugoslavia

Somehow, I don't think we've seen the last of Slobodan and his unholy legion of the undead.


Anita Pall

Upheaval In Yugoslavia

You know, I'm thinking of getting my home Balkanized. No, wait, I mean winterized.


Bob Potvin

Upheaval In Yugoslavia

Those genocidal-dictator types have no respect for the democratic process.


Bill Sherman

Upheaval In Yugoslavia

Like the Yugoslavian people, I once participated in violent, impassioned street demonstrations. We were so fuckin' psyched the Bulls three-peated.


Grace Delaney

Mayhem In The Mideast

Mideast peace efforts have broken down in recent days, with Israeli-Palestinian violence erupting throughout the troubled region. What do you think?

The U.N. should lay down the law: No more visits to the Wailing Wall or the Dome Of The Rock until a certain two ethnic groups learn to behave themselves.


Michael Weathers

Mayhem In The Mideast

In these times of trouble, they should turn to the Bible.


Peter Bryson

Mayhem In The Mideast

Right now, they're just throwing rocks at each other, but it could get much worse: I've heard rumors that Israel has the boulder.


Omar Bilal

Mayhem In The Mideast

Boy, whoever's mediating these discussions sure does suck.


Dan Voss

Mayhem In The Mideast

If only one side was a little darker so I could figure out who was right.


Diane DeSilva

Mayhem In The Mideast

Maybe we need to stop thinking of this as a Mideast crisis and just think of it as Mideast culture.


Danielle Coomes

The Subway Series

For the first time in 44 years, baseball's World Series is a Subway Series, with the New York Mets and New York Yankees squaring off. What do you think of the all-Big Apple Fall Classic?

At long last, the eyes of the nation are finally on New York.


Maryellen Janus

The Subway Series

It'll be exciting to see which team's fans get to trash Times Square in victory rioting.


Bill Anderson

The Subway Series

As an Upper East Side Yankee fan, I prefer to think of this as a Door-To-Door Car-Service Series.


Ray Loney

The Subway Series

Know what would make this perfect? If there were some sort of hat or shirt that people excited about the series could buy and wear. Wait, wait–hear me out on this.


Larry Boone

The Subway Series

This is just the sort of thing that leads to epic, era-defining novels of the American experience by Don DeLillo.


Victor Kritikos

The Subway Series

I've been waiting years for this glorious event. What? No, I'm not a Met or Yankee fan. I'm a terrorist with a relatively small amount of plutonium.


Glen Eyers

Into The Home Stretch

The presidential election is less than a week away, with polls indicating a virtual dead heat between Bush and Gore. What do you think?

I'm not voting. Clinton has been doing a great job, so why bring in some new guy?


Neil Kuberra

Into The Home Stretch

I was going to vote for Gore until I found out he was losing.


Paula Buechner

Into The Home Stretch

My vote for Ralph Nader will send this country a powerful message: Bush is a bad president.


Lena Levenhagen

Into The Home Stretch

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so emotional. It's just that, well, this time of year I really miss John Chancellor.


Cory Morrow

Into The Home Stretch

Which candidate is going to tax soda? Neither? Looks like I'm back to square one.


Christopher Rich

Into The Home Stretch

Everyone's making such a fuss about it being the closest election in years, but what did they expect from the closest candidates in years?


Dina Ackles

The Low Voter Turnout

Despite being one of the closest presidential races in decades, the 2000 election drew a disappointingly low turnout. What do you think?

Well, I, for one, knew it was going to be close, and I didn't want to, you know, influence it one way or the other.


Dianne Hoppe

The Low Voter Turnout

I blame MTV for failing to rock the vote to a sufficient degree.


Mitchell Blake

The Low Voter Turnout

I was just acting in accordance with the Voter Apathy Act of 1989.


Fred Runnels

The Low Voter Turnout

I'd have voted if my local races were cooler. Like in Missouri: They had a dead guy on the ballot there, man.


Matt Slocombe

The Low Voter Turnout

Not voting is one of the perks of being a convicted felon.


Larry Buckley

The Low Voter Turnout

What do you mean? I've done nothing but vote all year–for my favorite song, for most exciting NFL touchdown, for whether the rabbit gets his Trix. I'm fuckin' exhausted.


Len Ruffin

Election Madness

With Florida's results in doubt, several other states mulling recounts, and both Bush and Gore threatening legal action, the winner of the Nov. 7 presidential election has yet to be determined. What do you think?

Gore should concede and let Bush have the presidency. After all, he's truly earned it.


Elaine Pasqua

Election Madness

I just hope they do a revote in my district. I'm pretty sure I accidentally voted for Leo Koepke for county clerk instead of Barb Shultz.


Bethany Aldrete

Election Madness

The only clear mandate I see emerging from this election is that elderly Palm Beach Jews want an end to abortion and affirmative action.


Donald Youmans

Election Madness

Man, that Doris Kearns Goodwin must be wetting her pants over this.


Andrew Deshaies

Election Madness

This has been an incredibly difficult time for me, not knowing whether to invest in Solarcorp or GloboPetrochemical.


Patrick Bosio

Election Madness


Irene Costa

Abolish The Electoral College?

In light of the havoc it has wreaked this presidential election, many Americans are calling for an end to the electoral college. What do you think?

No, we should not stop using the electoral college. We also should not stop spinning our own flax.


Reggie Ennis

Abolish The Electoral College?

We must keep the electoral college. Without it, last night's Nightline probably would have been about the war on cholesterol.


Manny Blake

Abolish The Electoral College?

The electoral-college system was designed to protect our nation from the ignorance of its people. And, based on the 2000 vote, it's still dearly needed.


Tom Kallen

Abolish The Electoral College?

I'm all for getting rid of the electoral college, but wouldn't that mean we'd have to dig up Samuel J. Tilden and make him president retroactively?


Matt Funk

Abolish The Electoral College?

This election mess confirms what I've been saying for years: Our nation should be split into warring factions, each ruled by a warlord who receives messages from God.


Liz Lowery

Abolish The Electoral College?

The presidency should go to the candidate who earns the larger minority of the popular vote.


Marty Behr

Youth Sports, Adult Violence

The past year has seen a surge in adult violence at youth sporting events, including the beating death of a hockey coach by a player's father. What do you think?

Why are these grown men hitting each other? They should be hitting the kid who blew the game.


Joan Weitz

Youth Sports, Adult Violence

This parental aggression is spreading into other youth activities, as well. I took a knee to the kidney when my daughter forgot her Christmas-pageant lines.


Damian Thomas

Youth Sports, Adult Violence

Hey, if you'd seen that ref's call, we'd have been fighting over the shotgun.


Bob Bryson

Youth Sports, Adult Violence

Ask me that question again. Go ahead. I fuckin' dare you, you fucking piece of shit.


Dina Sargento

Youth Sports, Adult Violence

I blame the cheerleaders. They're the ones stirring people to violence with that 'Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!' cheer.


Omar Husserl

Youth Sports, Adult Violence

What better way to impart to our children the important life lesson, 'Do as I say, not as I do'?


Bernie Porter

Is Oral Sex Sex?

According to a recent USA Today cover story, oral sex is sharply on the rise among teenagers, many of whom do not consider it a form of sex. What do you think?

That's a relief. Turns out I haven't been sexually abusing my son, after all.


Nina Hahn

Is Oral Sex Sex?

I was shocked to find that cunnilingus accounted for a full 1.3 percent of these oral-sex cases.


Roger Blauvelt

Is Oral Sex Sex?

This is just more of the usual conservative-Christian hysteria over teenagers swallowing miles of cock.


Robert Hastings

Is Oral Sex Sex?

So is it wrong when I tell my students, 'Make love to me with your mouth'?


Bernice Cole

Is Oral Sex Sex?

These teens will believe anything the president goes on TV and says.


Leonard Doby

Is Oral Sex Sex?

As a teen math whiz, I can't say I've heard or seen anything about this.


Eleanor Jeffries

The $252,000,000 Man

Last week, free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez signed the richest contract in sports history, a 10-year, $252 million deal with the Texas Rangers. What do you think?

Boy, when that state isn't busy putting Hispanics to death, it's paying them ridiculous sums to run around a baseball field. Is there no in-between?


Brandon Wiley

The $252,000,000 Man

It's outrageous that the Rangers signed this guy for $252 million. Only the Yankees should get to do that.


Bruce Dickerson

The $252,000,000 Man

As a Texas Rangers front-office official, I'm extremely excited to have Rodriguez on board—in a nauseous, tight-chested kind of way.


Vanessa Simon

The $252,000,000 Man

Sure, a quarter of a billion dollars is a lot of money, but we are talking about a guy with a career .374 on-base percentage here.


Dan Agarawal

The $252,000,000 Man

I'm so psyched to see A-Rod play for my beloved Rangers, I've already started saving up for a $135 bleacher seat.


Randall Keith

The $252,000,000 Man

Just think: He makes more than all the other Rodriguezes in Texas combined.


Marc Andersen

What Do You Think?

Controversial rapper Eminem was recently nominated for four Grammys, sparking protest from groups such as GLAAD and NOW, who say his music promotes violence against gays and women. What do you think?

Eminem should win. On The Marshall Mathers LP, he makes some very trenchant points about sawing off his mom's tits with a chainsaw.


Carl Weatherspoon

What Do You Think?

This is a slap in the face to truly deserving nominees like Don Henley, up for Best Male Rock Vocal Performance for 'Workin' It.'


Mel Dixon

What Do You Think?

You didn't hear Jews complaining back in '89 when Professor Griff won Best Rap Song for 'Wicked Moneylending Vampire Kikes (Killum All).'


Linda Pulliam

What Do You Think?

Eminem deserves to win after being so badly snubbed at last year's Tonys.


Benjamin Reese

What Do You Think?

They could end this uproar by creating a separate category like Best Album That Never Should Have Been Recorded Because It Is An Affront To All That Is Decent.


Liz Toffler

What Do You Think?

It's a trade-off. On the one hand, you risk alienating conservative Grammy voters, but on the other, the Grammys will actually be watched by people.


Michael Dupree

The California Blackouts

A state of emergency has been declared in California, where massive power shortages have necessitated cutting off electricity through much of the state. What do you think about the crisis?

Why don't they just hook the state up to the mega-watt star power of Hollywood's Charlize Theron? That blonde bombshell positively crackles with electricity.


Ken Brandt

The California Blackouts

Well, there's only one thing to be done. Nevada, Arizona: Give California all your power. Come on, it's not like you matter as much.


Randy Toth

The California Blackouts

It's all a sad lesson in the dangers of short-sightedness in civic planning. But the important question is: When should we commence looting?


Fred Nouri

The California Blackouts

I'm sure the people of California will band together to get through this. Then they'll form a tofu cult.


Adrienne Berner

The California Blackouts

Gee, I hope San Francisco doesn't have to turn off its big fog machine.


Donna Rutt

The California Blackouts

Didn't California slide into the ocean yet? Can we find a way to speed that up?'


Rich Durban

Hillary In 2004?

The 2000 presidential election is barely in the books, but talk has already turned to the possibility of Hillary Clinton making a White House run in 2004. What do you think?

A woman president? What if she menstruates all over some important legislation?


Annette Petersen

Hillary In 2004?

Hillary would make a great president. But she'd probably ask her girlfriends for advice, and I just don't trust that Sharon.


Todd Tyler

Hillary In 2004?

She's got a good shot, so long as no one blows her up, causing her faceplate to fall off and revealing the gears and diodes beneath.


Bob Houdel

Hillary In 2004?

Would she have female Secret Service agents? Because that'd be pretty sexy.


Bob Van Eeghen

Hillary In 2004?

No, no–you don't understand: The 19th Amendment gives women the right to vote for a president, that's all.


Lisa Rinaldi

Hillary In 2004?

We could do worse. You know, like we always have.


Matt Maldonado

The Return Of Mad Cow

Mad-cow disease is once again sweeping Europe, prompting renewed fears on this side of the Atlantic, including a New York-area recall of Mamba, a candy that contains beef gelatin. What do you think?

So long as Mallo Cups remain untainted, I care little about this.


Oscar Kinnard

The Return Of Mad Cow

Now I can finally unload all this mad-cow-related merchandise.


Victoria Ewart

The Return Of Mad Cow

Mad Cow? Isn't that the guy on the Z-106 Morning Nuthouse? I always knew there was something wrong with him.


Warren Hough

The Return Of Mad Cow

People are overlooking an important aspect of this crisis: Have you actually seen a cow staggering around drooling? It's hilarious.


Benjamin Ruff

The Return Of Mad Cow

Does this candy knock children unconscious for an hour or so? Oh. Never mind, then.


Susan Royce

The Return Of Mad Cow

Germany is being forced to slaughter 400,000 cattle. Luckily, they're pretty good at that sort of thing.


Hugh Carter

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

Congress is investigating Bill Clinton's pardon of Marc Rich, a major Democratic Party contributor who since 1983 has been living in Switzerland to avoid trial for racketeering, tax evasion, and trading with Iran. What do you think?

A powerful politician doing favors for a corrupt business crony? America has lost its innocence.


Patrick Poulon

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

Would you do any less for a loved one or major campaign contributor?


Jessica Smith

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

Marc Rich's plight is a lot like that of Native American activist Leonard Peltier, except Rich has eleventy gazillion dollars and isn't in jail.


Harriet Swann

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

I'm sure living a luxurious lifestyle in Switzerland for the past 18 years showed Rich the error of his ways.


Marc Cowart

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

Come on, let him go. The poor guy's done his time. He was president for eight years, for God's sake.


Henry Thalacker

Clinton And The Fugitive Financier

I wish Clinton could have pardoned my ass out of jail for robbing that camera store. Oh, and also for my oil deals with Iran.


Sunil Bardeekian

The Tax-Cut Proposal

In his first major initiative as president, George W. Bush is lobbying hard for a controversial $1.6 trillion tax cut. What do you think?

Finally, the burden of raising a family on a meager factory-job salary will be lifted slightly. What? It won't? Damn.


Hillary Green

The Tax-Cut Proposal

Is this one of those things that sounds great but only benefits the rich? Or is it one of those genuinely great, fairytale things that never really happens?


Jill Yablonsky

The Tax-Cut Proposal

I'm not sure what to make of all this. Can I get back to you after tonight's O'Reilly Factor?


Frank Muncie

The Tax-Cut Proposal

A 10-year, $1.6 trillion cut to revive a softening economy and rein in spending impulses in Congress? Four words: Party at my place!


Bill Bohnert

The Tax-Cut Proposal

Income tax? Geez, I thought that highway toll I paid when we went to Taste Of Chicago last year took care of everything.


Tom Wilhoyte

The Tax-Cut Proposal

This would be a tremendous boon to me and my fellow corporate titans if any of us actually paid taxes.


Bob Ayers

The Puff Daddy Trial

Rapper Sean "Puffy"" Combs is on trial for illegal gun possession and bribery stemming from a 1999 shooting at a Manhattan nightclub. What do you think?"

How can Puffy possibly get a fair trial? It'll be impossible to find 12 jurors who don't already hate him for his shitty music.


Aimee Kohl

The Puff Daddy Trial

I don't think it was a good idea for Puffy to take the stand and just chant, 'Unhh, yeah' over a recording of O.J. Simpson's testimony.


Jim Druckert

The Puff Daddy Trial

A rapper with a gun? This is the most insane witch hunt in history.


Natalie Orza

The Puff Daddy Trial

So they're prosecuting him on gun charges but letting him off the hook for 'I'll Be Missing You'?


Gregg Butler

The Puff Daddy Trial


John Whalen

The Puff Daddy Trial

Man, I'd hate to cross paths with that guy in prison. No, wait–that would be fine.


Chris Stratton

Global Warming Heats Up

Last week, President Bush rejected the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, which requires industrialized nations to curb greenhouse-gas emissions. What do you think?

I'm sorry, but it's vital to the health of the U.S. economy that we destroy the entire Earth.


Debbie Honig

Global Warming Heats Up

As a Nader supporter, I'm thrilled to see the Green Party's master plan working so perfectly.


James Burkholtz

Global Warming Heats Up

I'm with Bush: What have future generations ever done for me?


Patricia Volk

Global Warming Heats Up

I'm against global warming. I'm also against altering my lifestyle in any way whatsoever to reduce it.


Frank Toome

Global Warming Heats Up

SUV owners can help reduce toxic emissions by parking in enclosed garages, stopping up their exhaust pipes, getting back into their cars, and tightly sealing all windows and doors.


Larry Blunstone

Global Warming Heats Up

As a resident of Greenland, I only have one thing to say: goodbye.


Barbara Hicks

Layoffs And The R-Word

Every day, another major company announces thousands of layoffs, stoking fears of an economic recession. What do you think?

Recession? But what about the gumdrop trees and magical fairy dust I just ordered online?


Bob Bardaji

Layoffs And The R-Word

I doubt my getting fired from the Dairy Queen is a bellwether of recession, but it sure is a bellwether of I stuck my wang in the butterscotch.


Debra Luner

Layoffs And The R-Word

There's no such thing as a no-growth economy, silly. That's just a story parents used to tell us kids to scare us.


Milt Conlon

Layoffs And The R-Word

What do I care? GM closed its Saginaw plant, but I work for the Lansing plant.


Graham Robertson

Layoffs And The R-Word

Oh, my God! Pull your money out of the bank! Sell your stocks! Hang Louis Rukeyser!


J. Foster Thompson

Layoffs And The R-Word

Yes, yes, this is all very fascinating, but if you'll excuse me, I have a yacht I must name.


Adrienne Knox

Dick Cheney's Heart

Last week, vice-president Dick Cheney, a four-time heart-attack victim, underwent angioplasty surgery. What do you think about his heart problems?

Wait a second: I thought Bush was the one with the heart, and Cheney was the one with the brains.


Benjamin Evans

Dick Cheney's Heart

Dick Cheney's heart may be a mass of marbleized fat and its arteries choked with bacon rind, but to me, it's made of one thing: pure gold.


Pete Powell

Dick Cheney's Heart

If Cheney ever has a heart attack during a press conference, he should clutch his chest and shout, 'Elizabeth, I'm comin'!'


Carolyn Hester

Dick Cheney's Heart

Cheney has failed to heed the cautionary words of Billy Joel, who warns that working too hard can give you a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.


Marc Andersen

Dick Cheney's Heart

As a doctor holding a plastic, cross-sectioned model of a human heart, let me just say this: Think of the heart as a piston in a car engine…


Bud Lathrop

Dick Cheney's Heart

So Cheney went back to work a day after heart surgery? I gotta hand it to him–he practices what he preaches, healthcare-wise.


Richard Polk

How Real Is Reality TV?

Survivor and other reality-based TV shows have come under fire of late, with former participants charging that aspects of the programs are rigged. What do you think?

How far the journalistic integrity of reality TV has fallen since the first season of The Real World.


Robert Lau

How Real Is Reality TV?

This is the classic Heisenbergian situation in which the behavior of the observed is altered by the act of observation. Nonetheless, Kimmi is my favorite.


Audra Andrews

How Real Is Reality TV?

Reality TV is nothing but LIE$. By the way, when you print that, make sure the 'S' is a dollar sign, so my provocative statement is rendered all the more cutting.


Manu Apalakian

How Real Is Reality TV?

I'm glad they tinker with these shows. Real life is fuckin' boring.


Gail Pennington

How Real Is Reality TV?

Love it or hate it, one thing's for certain: Reality TV makes us the ultimate voyeurs. Hi, I'm Gail Pennington, TV critic for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.


Ed Munson

How Real Is Reality TV?

So these shows were set up to ensure that the most attractive people would come out on top? And how is that different from reality?


Jeff Maggio

Hispanic U.S.A.

In a historic demographic shift, Census officials reported last week that Hispanics have passed African-Americans as the nation's largest minority. What do you think?

I don't care what you say, Hispanics are not a bigger minority than blacks. Have you seen those guys? They're barely five feet tall.


Chuck Kinnard

Hispanic U.S.A.

Luckily, I am prepared for this, thanks to bilingual educational programming on PBS. Abierto!… cerrado! Abierto!… cerrado!


Fred Willets

Hispanic U.S.A.

I had no idea there were so many Hispanics in this country. They must all be in the back.


Denise Rowe

Hispanic U.S.A.

Boy, if it's not the blacks, it's the Hispanics. That's it. That's the summation of my feelings on the matter.


J.P. Burlock

Hispanic U.S.A.

I guess those good-luck candles with the bloody dude on them are actually good for something.


Linda Cort

Hispanic U.S.A.

There are still tons more whites than any of these minorities, right? Whew.


Ben Carlson

The U.S.-China Standoff

Last week, China detained 24 Navy officers after their spy plane collided with a Chinese jet. What do you think about the escalating tensions between the two nations?

Tell me about it. One of my spy planes went down over China once, and I had a bitch of a time getting it back.


Bob Rolen

The U.S.-China Standoff

If a Chinese spy plane crash-landed in California after knocking down one of our jets, I'm sure we'd give it right back.


Yvonne Goltz

The U.S.-China Standoff

Can't we just send China a fruit basket or something?


Richard Grolier

The U.S.-China Standoff

Damn Truman! We should cross the Yalu River and invade the Chinese mainland! We must halt the spread of Communism at all costs!


Will Franklin

The U.S.-China Standoff

And Bush was so close to world peace before this, too.


Gina Jeffries

The U.S.-China Standoff

This is a great chance for Bush to show the world that he appears to be tough.


Anita Welch

Executing The Mentally Disabled

The U.S. Supreme Court is currently hearing a case challenging the constitutionality of the death penalty for retarded individuals. What do you think?

The notion of executing retarded people is deeply offensive. It should be called the execution of the developmentally disabled.


Robert Ready

Executing The Mentally Disabled

I'd rather see these killers executed than force the American taxpayer to spend thousands on lemon cookies and safety scissors for the next 50 years.


Irfan Clarence

Executing The Mentally Disabled

You'd think judges would be lenient, since they probably were pretty easy to catch.


Don Duquette

Executing The Mentally Disabled

How can we execute criminals for actions they don't even fully comprehend? They just wanted to pet the pretty lady's soft hair.


Art Gordon

Executing The Mentally Disabled

Do we really need to waste money and resources killing the retarded when sending them into a hedge maze would be just as effective?


Mindy Andersen

Executing The Mentally Disabled

Even more shocking is the fact that hundreds of these executions were carried out by a Texas governor with a 57 IQ.


Dianne Chester

The Cincinnati Riots

Riots erupted in Cincinnati last week following the shooting death of an unarmed black man by police officers. What do you think about the latest such incident?

It's no surprise that these types of situations occur. Our police are overworked and underpaid and mostly really stupid.


Ira Richmond

The Cincinnati Riots

If black people are going to act like animals every time they're treated like animals, racists like me will never respect them.


Bob Edmondson

The Cincinnati Riots

Riots are tragic releases following years of pent-up rage and despair. Unless they occur after a sports championship. Those rule.


Amil Gopalakian

The Cincinnati Riots

This is the worst thing to happen in Cincinnati since that radio station dropped all those flightless Thanksgiving turkeys from a helicopter.


Jerome Barker

The Cincinnati Riots

I know there's racism, but the police are under a lot of pressure. So the next time a cop is braining me, I'm going to relax, count to 10, and try my best to see his point of view.


Anita Holcomb

The Cincinnati Riots

I'm sure that if Cincinnati's blacks and whites just sat down and talked honestly about their feelings, it would combust into violence 10 times worse than those riots.


Alan Choudhury

W's First Hundred Days

On Monday, George W. Bush reached the 100-day mark of his presidency. What do you think of the job he's done so far?

So much has happened these past 100 days. Let's see, there was the Clinton-pardon thing, the Clinton-furniture thing, the Clinton-in-Harlem thing…


Danielle Ormond

W's First Hundred Days

Has it been 100 days already? Wow, it seems like only yesterday that Bush cut off funding for overseas abortion providers.


Pete Terrell

W's First Hundred Days

Oh, Christ. I'm supposed to have an opinion on Bush's first 100 days? Geez, I dunno, what all did he do?


Rodger LaPierre

W's First Hundred Days

Since Gore really won the election, I've only been following what he's been doing these past 100 days. It hasn't been much.


Mary Ellen Bolz

W's First Hundred Days

Well, he did lower drinking-water standards, revive hostilities with China, and endanger the budget surplus, so I guess that's all good.


Rick Dandridge

W's First Hundred Days

Sixty-three percent of the American people approve of the job Bush is doing. Then again, 98 percent of the American people are fucking morons.


Myron Kannell

Kerrey's Secret Shame

Last week, former senator Bob Kerrey admitted that a raid he led in the Vietnam War resulted in the deaths of at least 13 unarmed women and children. What do you think?

Geez, you'd think he could make a run at the presidency without resorting to this kind of grandstanding.


Peter Odomes

Kerrey's Secret Shame

We all have skeletons in our closets. Of course, in Kerrey's case, it's a whole pile of Vietnamese child skeletons, but still.


Andrew Hosch

Kerrey's Secret Shame

Come on. If that had really happened, he'd have an ear necklace like McCain.


Ike Brophy

Kerrey's Secret Shame

There are many good reasons to kill: money, revenge, that satisfying 'thwump' sound… but not to advance one's political career.


Paulette Arnold

Kerrey's Secret Shame

What I want to know is, when he realized what had happened, did he throw back his head and yell, 'Nooooo!' in pain and rage?


Denise Pillers

Kerrey's Secret Shame

I suppose next you're going to tell me that Senator Calley was involved in this sort of thing, too.


Diane Denkinger

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

Last week, the Supreme Court ruled 8-0 that federal law does not allow a "medical necessity"" exception to the ban on marijuana use. What do you think?"

Good. Medical marijuana is a gateway drug, and many who use it go on to use stronger stuff–even engaging in full-blown chemotherapy.


David Dawson

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

Luckily, people with health problems still have the healing powers of alcohol at their disposal.


Patti D'Andrea

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

You know, those Cheech & Chong movies come off as very warm and human if you see them as simple dramas about two dying friends.


Radu Manogian

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

What? I can't believe I voted for David Souter in the High Times Hemp 100.


Burt Allenby

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

The terminally ill need to learn that you can have fun without all the drugs.


Marlon Edwards

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

If they really wanted to stop people from smoking pot, they should legalize medical marijuana. Under this country's health-care system, nobody would be able to get it.


Bud Manwaring

The Jeffords Defection

Last week, U.S. Sen. James Jeffords of Vermont left the GOP to become an independent, handing control of the Senate to the Democrats. What do you think?

Wow, this could shift the balance of power in the Senate. It has? I was right.


Angela Aldrete

The Jeffords Defection

It's rare when a senator does what he thinks is right. It's even rarer when the rest of the Senate notices.


Hal Uribe

The Jeffords Defection

Now that the Democrats are in control, know what that means? Ping-pong table in the rotunda! Ping-pong table in the rotunda!


Paul Dravecky

The Jeffords Defection

We can't have people changing parties all willy-nilly. This nation was founded on principles of non-willy-nillyness.


Donna Thompson

The Jeffords Defection

Why would anybody want to leave the Republican Party? It just doesn't make sense.


Larry Mitchell

The Jeffords Defection

A senator defected? Oh, no–now the Russians will learn all the secrets to how we make our government run so smoothly and efficiently.


Allen Andrews

Human Rights And The U.S.

Recently ousted from the U.N. Human Rights Commission, the U.S. is no longer the world's human-rights leader, according to Amnesty International. What do you think?

Doesn't Amnesty International realize we have covert black-op specialists who shoot people for saying that kind of stuff?


Ron Bass

Human Rights And The U.S.

I guess our nation's leaders have given up trying to impress sexy, politically active college chicks.


Duane McHenry

Human Rights And The U.S.

I'd like to applaud the forward-thinking nations of Angola, Sudan, and Syria for helping vote the U.S. off the U.N. commission. Truly, your countries are examples to us all.


Paulette Wilson

Human Rights And The U.S.

I support whatever Amnesty International has to say. I have to: They sent me those free return-address labels.


Stan Tocchet

Human Rights And The U.S.

Fine, I'll let the guy out of my basement. Will that fix this up?


Dana Milbank

Human Rights And The U.S.

America makes the best movies, the best TV shows, and the best snack foods. We can't do everything.


Vijay Thakker

The $3 Billion Judgment

Last week, a Los Angeles jury ordered Philip Morris to pay $3 billion in punitive damages to a longtime smoker who has lung cancer. What do you think?

Three billion dollars? I'm switching to non-filters right away.


Donna Lafarge

The $3 Billion Judgment

When this guy started smoking 40 years ago, people had no idea it was bad for you. People had to guess based on the hacking cough, shortness of breath, and bloody phlegm.


Marcus Alberts

The $3 Billion Judgment

Shouldn't Bic have to pay for making the lighters that made the cigarettes deadly in the first place?


Phil Muncie

The $3 Billion Judgment

Three billion for endangering the guy's life? Christ, Philip Morris could've had him killed for a measly ten grand.


Lisa Koenig

The $3 Billion Judgment

Finally, America's educational system is getting the funding it so desperately needs. What? The $3 billion is going to a smoker? Oh.


Donald Astbury

The $3 Billion Judgment

This is a victory for everyone without a shred of common sense.


Ronald Herr

The World War II Memorial

The planned WWII Memorial on the National Mall has sparked controversy, its critics questioning its necessity, location, and design. What do you think?

I think the solution is to keep talking about this for the next 20 years. Then, when the last WWII veteran finally dies, we can just drop the whole thing.


Phillip Porter

The World War II Memorial

Isn't Tom Brokaw's plan to personally fellate every living WWII veteran thanks enough?


David Andujar

The World War II Memorial

I'm not convinced what they did was so great. I made it to the end of Castle Wolfenstein in, like, two hours.


Larry Hendrick Airline Pilot

The World War II Memorial

This monument ruins the symmetry of the national mall. The World War III one, though, will nicely balance the south end and lead the eye toward the reflecting pool.


Elizabeth Oberkfell

The World War II Memorial

Those WWII vets are just jealous of the Vietnam vets and Holocaust survivors.


Dana Forsch

The World War II Memorial

Only by building a memorial to those who risked their lives for their country can we finally shut them up.


Donald Bumbry

The Missing Intern

Four months after her disappearance, the search continues for Chandra Levy, the 24-year-old intern who had an affair with Rep. Gary Condit (D-CA). What do you think?

For years, men have been screwing women and then vanishing. But one woman does it, and there's all this hoop-de-doo.


Hal Murray

The Missing Intern

Man, the Democrats sure do love those intern Jewesses.


Fred Singleton

The Missing Intern

I am enraged by Condit's evasiveness. Just tell us, yes or no: Did you have butt sex?


Richard Sakata

The Missing Intern

While the police are at it, they should find out where my intern is. I asked for those copies 20 minutes ago!


Jill Roenicke

The Missing Intern

I've been missing for almost two years now, and it still hasn't made the news.


Diana Dempsey

The Missing Intern

I hope this finally shows our young people that there's no future in fucking politicians.


Diane Backman

The Stem-Cell Debate

Embryonic stem-cell research, which scientists believe could hold the key to curing many diseases, is strongly opposed by pro-life advocates. What do you think?

As it clearly states in Leviticus, '…and the use of embryonic stem cells in biomedical research shall be forever prohibited. Thus sayeth the Lord.'


Richard Heep

The Stem-Cell Debate

Spare me your rationalizations. All I know is, stem-cell research kills a quasi-living four-day-old blob.


Bill Teufel

The Stem-Cell Debate

You mean, you can actually experiment with stem cells from human embryos? Man, and all this time, I've just been throwing mine out.


Irwin Santana

The Stem-Cell Debate

You try looking into the eyes of a human embryo and saying, 'We need you to die for science.' You can't do it, can you? What do you mean, which side am I arguing?


Carl Knight

The Stem-Cell Debate

They take these stem cells from little babies. They use big, sharp knives. The babies scream, but they take their stems anyway. This makes Jesus cry.


Lori Staub

The Stem-Cell Debate

Only the scientists would go to hell, right? Then let them find a cure for cancer and we'll keep dutifully opposing their actions.


Carl Cox

The Missile-Defense Standoff

The U.S. and Russia are clashing over the Bush Administration's plans to develop a missile-defense system, which would defy 1972's ABM Treaty. What do you think?

Good for Bush. I always thought Clinton was a little weak in the pissing- off-the-Russians-over- nuclear-weapons department.


Dana Coleman

The Missile-Defense Standoff

Do you realize that the U.S. and Russia have held enough disarmament talks to bore the world to death 50 times over?


Irene Schmid

The Missile-Defense Standoff

I've got a missile-defense idea: We genetically engineer a race of bird-men to fly up and defuse the missiles with their beaks. That'd be cheaper and just as effective.


Bill Poulent

The Missile-Defense Standoff

Gee, George, way to telegraph the sneak attack. Now they'll totally know.


Bobby Post

The Missile-Defense Standoff

Speaking of which, don't use the can for a while. I just violated one hell of a B.M. Treaty myself.


Don Banks

The Missile-Defense Standoff

As Kenny Rogers says, you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away, know when to use humanity as a bargaining chip in a game of nuclear brinksmanship.


Dan Wiggins

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

Televised sports is in the midst of a decade-long ratings slump. What do you think of the steadily dwindling viewership?

With all the televised sports out there–golf, NASCAR, WNBA basketball, Major League Soccer, pro beach volleyball–my total indif


Ted Bevacqua

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

Maybe someone should invent a new game to reignite interest. A game where you eat snack cakes while throwing water balloons.


Stephanie Nettles

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

It seems odd that viewership is down, given all the slightly charismatic pro athletes out there.


Dana Gossage

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

This is hardly surprising. That album came out nearly 20 years ago, and 'I Want A New Drug' was the only good song on it.


Fred McReynolds

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

I blame the networks. Their interstitial CGI graphics and exploding-helmet sound effects just don't pack the same entertainment


Carl Whitson

TV Sports' Ratings Slide

I guess I lost interest in televised sports when I realized you didn't need to watch it to hang out in Hooters.


Fred Burtt

Celebrity Meltdowns

Mariah Carey, Ben Affleck, and Backstreet Boy A.J. McLean are among the celebrities to check into rehab after recent breakdowns. What do you think?

Mariah Carey was hospitalized for 'exhaustion,' but everyone knows what that really means: a quart of cum in her stomach.


Pete Tippet

Celebrity Meltdowns

The only thing keeping me sane through all of this is Kenny Loggins' repeated assurances that he's all right, and that nobody need worry about him.


Leonard McQuarrie

Celebrity Meltdowns

When is one of these entertainers going to be eaten alive by rats? That's a story I'll read.


Felicia Johnston

Celebrity Meltdowns

I feel for them. They suffer so much. What? 'Celebrities'? I'm sorry, I thought you said 'victims of ethnic brutality in Macedonia.'


Angie Dykstra

Celebrity Meltdowns

Oh, my God. Is Britney Spears okay? What about Martin Lawrence? Angelina Jolie? Jennifer Lopez? Jim Carrey? P. Diddy? Nicole Kidman? Wait! Come back! I must know!


Ed Mollo

Celebrity Meltdowns

Why is everybody raising a stink about these people now that they're finally entertaining?


Lisa Rossiter

The Clone Wars

Across the U.S. and on Capitol Hill, debate is raging on the issue of human cloning. What do you think?

Cloning? Why? Aren't most Americans pretty much exactly alike as it is?


Dan Preece

The Clone Wars

We really have no idea what kind of profound ramifications this could have on future generations, and on life on this planet as a whole. Let's find out.


Stewart Nicholls

The Clone Wars

Cloning forces us to ask some hard questions. For example, which person, the original or the clone, gets to wear the goatee and be evil?


Danielle Yates

The Clone Wars

Can we clone a bulletproof Kurt Cobain? He was a sun that set too soon.


Bill Barron

The Clone Wars

Anything that puts more people on the planet is okay by me.


Ken Bould

The Clone Wars

Didn't the world learn its lesson when test-tube baby Louise grew to 60 feet tall and rampaged across London?


Rob West

The OxyContin Epidemic

OxyContin, a powerful prescription painkiller whose effects have been compared to heroin's, is being abused by a soaring number of drug addicts. What do you think?

It's been great getting my drugs at Walgreens. The pharmacists there are so much friendlier than that dickbag Zach I used get my shit from.


Barry Valtierra

The OxyContin Epidemic

Whoa, hold on there a minute: You can get high off an acne pad?


Dana Schwartz

The OxyContin Epidemic

You are so lame. They're called Oxys or O.C.'s. No one says 'OxyContin.'


Emily Jay

The OxyContin Epidemic

Didn't we learn anything from that one Little House On The Prairie where Albert gets hooked on morphine?


Chris Levey

The OxyContin Epidemic

While I am strongly opposed to drug abuse, I must applaud the entrepreneurial spirit exhibited by addicts when it comes to finding new ways to get off.


Raymond Harvey

The OxyContin Epidemic

This is exactly why I don't want my kids hanging out with white people.


Paul Cooper

The Dress-Code Crackdown

Across the U.S., high schools are banning low-rise jeans, midriff-baring tops, and other skimpy articles of clothing. What do you think about the fashion crackdown?

What I don't get is the super-low jeans where the thong straps peek out above the waistline. Why aren't those required?


Nelson Wollersheim

The Dress-Code Crackdown

Girls that young should not be wearing sexy outfits in school. I say dress them all in plaid skirts and knee-high stockings.


Lisa Hausherr

The Dress-Code Crackdown

I think girls who violate dress codes should be suspended and picked up from school by their mothers' boyfriends.


Tom Atack

The Dress-Code Crackdown

The way the kids dress these days, it's becoming almost impossible to tell the sluts from the regular girls.


Michael Keller

The Dress-Code Crackdown

Thank God for Maury Povich. He's doing his part by sending all those out-of-control, too-sexy teens to boot camp.


Meredith Wakefield

The Dress-Code Crackdown

I don't know. I think some of those crotchless hot pants they sell in the JCPenney children's department are kind of cute.


Dan Hunt

Legalizing Mexican Labor

Last week, President Bush promised illegal Mexican immigrants a worker program to legalize their labor in the U.S., but not blanket amnesty. What do you think?

You have to admire Bush's firm resolve to get American tables bused in an efficient, legal manner.


Gloria Goelz

Legalizing Mexican Labor

As a fifth-generation Italian-American, I am opposed to any and all immigration.


Peter Whitmire

Legalizing Mexican Labor

I have been iffy on Mexicans ever since El Macho, the Thief of Hearts, stole away my lover true. Curse you, El Macho!


Marty Clash

Legalizing Mexican Labor

Let's get our parameters straight here: Are we talking about the kind of Mexicans who get into knife fights, or the kind that smile and refill your drink?


Richard Nelson

Legalizing Mexican Labor

So Bush is not offering amnesty, but he is allowing them to work. And this is a bold stance because…?


Donna Gold

Legalizing Mexican Labor

If the Mexicans are legalized, they can still be exploited, right?


Don Munns

What Now?

Two weeks after the worst attack ever on American soil, the U.S. military is pondering its response options. What do you think should be done?

Do we have nukes that can kill just six or seven people? Because I kinda want to nuke those bastards if it's at all practical.


Allen Williams

What Now?

I used to think Reagan was a simplistic, vengeful, jingoistic cowboy. Now, I'm starting to think he was just ahead of his time.


Julia Schmitt

What Now?

If we blow these monsters off the face of the Earth, that will only give them the attention they crave.


Mel Davis

What Now?

Islamic law states, 'An eye for an eye.' By that logic, we should destroy one of Osama bin Laden's skyscrapers. Problem is, he doesn't have any, because he lives in fucking underground caves.


Mindy Lawrence

What Now?

One thing we don't need is another Vietnam. Luckily, the Vietnamese have been cleared of any involvement.


Albert Rohan

What Now?

Uh, can I give you my answer five years from now?


Denise Bassett

Arming Our Pilots

The Airline Pilots Association recently proposed that pilots be allowed to carry handguns to defend their cockpits. What do you think?

Pilots need to concentrate on flying the aircraft. Arm the Sky Chefs instead.


Irfan Clarence

Arming Our Pilots

As a mediocre stand-up comic, I'm all for it… 'And what's with these pilots packin' heat? Boy, you damn well better return your tray table to the upright and locked position, Chester!'


Richard Barnes

Arming Our Pilots

We should give the pilots unloaded guns, and then ask the media not to report that they're unloaded. Also, don't print this.


Judy Weiss

Arming Our Pilots

I don't like this plan quite as much as the one with the super-robots, but I suppose it'll have to do.


Pete Hecker

Arming Our Pilots

Pilots should get sawed-off shotguns. There's no reason they shouldn't be as well-armed as our pizza-delivery drivers.


Todd Pollack

Arming Our Pilots

Armed pilots? I see. Tell me: Just how many days should I allot for a New York-to-L.A. trip on Amtrak?


Donna McKechnie

Chemical And Biological Weapons

Many Americans fear that terrorists may one day strike the U.S. with chemical and biological weapons. What do you think about the prospect?

It's certainly frightening to consider, but I take comfort in the fact that it can't happen to me.It can't happen to me.It can't happen to me.It can't happen…


Christopher King

Chemical And Biological Weapons

I'm not breathing any air until I've seen somebody else breathe it first.


Dan Desmond

Chemical And Biological Weapons

This is the plague The Bible done talked about.


Jordan Ryback

Chemical And Biological Weapons

Speaking of which, don't go in the bathroom for a while. I just dropped a toxic payload of catastrophic size in there, man.


Fran Lake

Chemical And Biological Weapons

Let's not take any chances—we should arrest and detain The Chemical Brothers immediately.


Michael Cuyler

Chemical And Biological Weapons

I bought a gas mask for protection. I also bought an anthrax vaccine, a safety suit, and a hermetically sealed house that I never leave.


Thom Traylor

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

Cases of anthrax exposure have been confirmed in media and government offices in Florida, New York, and Washington, D.C. What do you think about the threat?

As the head of a biotech lab, I'm tightening security. From now on, if you want to take some anthrax spores home, put your name on the sign-out sheet by the centrifuge.


Bill Lowery

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

Anthrax may grab more headlines, but I think we should all remember that osteoporosis remains Florida's number-one medical threat.


Milt Cook

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

My brother's a doctor, and he slipped me a stash of that Cipro anthrax antibiotic. That and some sweet-ass morphine.


Richard Busse

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

At times like these, I'm glad I live in a geodesic dome. Not that they're anthrax-proof or anything. They're just fun to live in.


Donna McCutcheon

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

Hmm. Does this coffee taste a little anthraxy to you?


Christine Walker

Anthrax Hits The U.S.

I'd react calmly to this news, but I'm a journalist.


Dom Delavan

What's Up, Dick?

Vice-President Cheney has spent much of the past several weeks hidden from public view in a secret location, prompting rumors about his status. What do you think?

Man, if something happens to him, do you realize Bush becomes the vice-president?


Frank Castina

What's Up, Dick?

He's probably been hiding out in a Nebraska bunker roughly 43 miles northeast of Hastings, allowing him fast access to any location in the U.S. Of course, that's just an uneducated guess.


Iris Nelson

What's Up, Dick?

You know, Cheney reminds me a lot of my dad. Angry, humorless, dying of heart disease…


Carla Brodson

What's Up, Dick?

The idea of a vice-president maintaining a low profile—it's just too disturbing to process.


Todd McKechnie

What's Up, Dick?

Like any U.S. leader, he's where you'd expect him to be: hundreds of miles below the Earth's surface in an impregnable star chamber with top Illuminati officials, charting our fates.


Carl Vinson

What's Up, Dick?

I strongly suspect the government is pulling a Weekend At Bernie's on us.


Rich Pfloeg

Fear Of Mail

The U.S. Postal Service has emerged as the primary means of spreading anthrax, sparking fear among mail carriers and millions of Americans. What do you think?

I've been terrified to open my mail lately. Especially the stuff from Verizon.


Frank Dawson

Fear Of Mail

As owner of America's third-largest mail-order baking-soda distributorship, I am deeply concerned.


Keith Howe

Fear Of Mail

To think that just a short time ago, the biggest worry in opening your mail was that a package might contain a spring-propelled boxing glove that knocked you unconscious.


Dana Dunst

Fear Of Mail

I was wondering why some moonsuit-wearin' motherfucker handed me a Lenscrafters flyer this morning.


Andrea Vincent

Fear Of Mail

We should write 'Return To Sender' on any anthrax-laced letters. That'd show 'em.


Thomas McEntyre

Fear Of Mail

As a major New York media power player, I'd better see an envelope full of anthrax on my desk by noon tomorrow, or I'm gonna be seriously pissed.


Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft has issued several vague warnings of "credible threats"" of terrorism

urging Americans to stay on alert. What do you think?"

I applaud Ashcroft for his warnings. How else would I know when to be on alert for terrorist activity? Look—look how on-alert I am right now.


Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

I thought Ashcroft's most recent warning of possible terrorist attacks was calm and controlled enough, if you ignored the dark, spreading stain on the front of his trousers.


Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

So Ashcroft didn't specifically mention anything about the Golden Gate Bridge, five pounds of weapons-grade plutonium, or next Thursday afternoon? Cool.


Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

Does Ashcroft know something we don't? What is it? Never mind, I don't want to know. Wait, yes, I do—tell me! Tell me now! No, don't! No! Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb…


Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

Gee, the things Ashcroft says seem reasonable enough when they scroll across the bottom of the screen during Friends.


Ashcroft's Vague Warnings

The whole damn country's been paranoid about terrorism ever since the whole damn country was devastated by terrorism.


Larry Messick

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

Last week, President Bush disclosed that Osama bin Laden has been trying to acquire nuclear weapons. What do you think of the possibility?

Come on, how's a multi-millionaire with close ties to the world's most ruthless, amoral arms dealers gonna get his hands on a nuclear device?


Barry Frees

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

If so, he missed his chance: The Emmys were a few weeks ago.


Kim Welker

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

Let me guess what's next: bin Laden has an asteroid the size of the moon, and he's aiming it straight at the Earth.


Dan Butler

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

Shit, we should be trying to find this guy.


Ronald Foray

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

As a lifelong New Yorker, I must admit that central Kansas is not without a certain rustic, remote charm.


Lois Vanderpyl

Could Osama Get The Bomb?

What's this? I'm sorry, I stopped paying attention to the news about three weeks ago out of sheer psychological self-preservation.


Leslie Gottfried

Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

The Red Cross and other aid groups are under fire for giving only a portion of the billions that have poured in since Sept. 11 to the attacks' victims. What do you think?

Hey, I felt great when I gave that money. Isn't that all that matters?


Andrew Dillon

Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

See? That's why giving actual money to a charity is a bad idea. I donated 10 tennis lessons instead.


Don Matthius

Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

I recently donated to a Sept. 11 online charity and was afraid the money wouldn't all go to the victims. But the folks at savinpeopleandshit.com assured me it would.


Barb Rocket

Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

All I can say is, if the money I gave goes to some Indian kid orphaned by a monsoon instead of a Sept. 11 victim, I'm gonna be fuckin' pissed.


Richard Risley

Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

This is why I don't trust the Red Cross. From now on, anyone who needs blood can come straight to me.


Marcus Murphy

Sept. 11 Charities Under Fire

Well, these vague accusations and rumors seal it: I'm never donating to a charity again.


Carla Rayner

The Human-Cloning Controversy

Last week, scientists announced the first-ever cloning of a human embryo, which they hope to mine for stem cells to treat diseases. What do you think?

At last, the underpopulation crisis has found its magic bullet.


Leslie Jong

The Human-Cloning Controversy

A whole population of identical-looking human beings? This chilling dystopian vision has already come to pass in the fall J. Crew catalog.


Rich Stewart

The Human-Cloning Controversy

We don't need these cloned embryos takin' all the jobs away from regular embryos.


Donald Scott

The Human-Cloning Controversy

Scientists should not be allowed to play God. Brian Blessed would be much better.


Fred Gardner

The Human-Cloning Controversy

I've got a plan to create the world's first human-clone hybrid. Remember that sheep Dolly? I'm gonna fuck it.


Peter Jordan

The Human-Cloning Controversy

I think I'll just sit back and let the ignorant, hysterical Christians handle this one.


Isaac Dunham

More Mideast Violence

Last week, Hamas suicide bombers killed 25 in Jerusalem and Haifa, and Israel retaliated with air strikes. What do you think about the latest wave of Mideast bloodshed?

It's nice to see senseless religious violence back where it belongs.


Mel Moreno

More Mideast Violence

If only the parents of those Hamas militants had spotted the suicide-bombing warning signs in time.


Paul Bergen

More Mideast Violence

Maybe someday they'll take my advice and put a huge lid on the entire region—just as soon as lid technology becomes sufficiently advanced.


Pete Tyler

More Mideast Violence


Mary Winchell

More Mideast Violence

Why can't these people just get along? Oh, yeah… because they all think they've been specially chosen by God.


Allison Flowers

More Mideast Violence

Hey, if I were denied a heavily disputed piece of land, I'd blow up innocent civilians with a crude bomb strapped around my midsection, too. No, wait, I wouldn't. That's fucking insane.


Larry Edwards

Bush And The ABM Treaty

Worried about nuclear attacks by terrorists and rogue states, President Bush pulled out of the ABM treaty in the hopes of building a missile shield. What do you think?

This is a wise move on Bush's part, considering the fact that terrorists possess elaborate launching systems capable of firing nuclear missiles into space.


Marjorie Ready

Bush And The ABM Treaty

It's reassuring to know that, after everything that's happened in the past three months, there's still irrefutable proof that Bush is a dick.


Will Lathon

Bush And The ABM Treaty

The ABM treaty was a noble but ultimately flawed idea that hindered our ability to bomb the fuck out of countries we don't like.


Leonard Whitecloud

Bush And The ABM Treaty

As a full-blooded Native American, I'd like to know why everyone's acting so goddamned surprised.


Thomas Provenza

Bush And The ABM Treaty

A missile-defense system is all the more vital now that we've pissed off Russia so bad.


Lauren Keith

Bush And The ABM Treaty

This shield will protect us from terrorists who steal radioactive industrial-waste materials and build 'dirty bombs' aimed at subways, bridges, and other public spaces, right? Phew.


Max Koenig

China's Nuclear Buildup

According to a new CIA report, China is expected to have as many as 100 long-range nuclear missiles aimed at the U.S. by 2015. What do you think?

We don't need to worry about the Chinese using nukes. They'd first need to find an unpopulated area to test them.


Connie Vance

China's Nuclear Buildup

Would it be culturally insensitive of me to say I hope they don't blast us to atoms? I don't want to offend anybody.


Dan Essen

China's Nuclear Buildup

Maybe it's time to flood China with opium again. Failing that, flood me with opium.


Milt Odom

China's Nuclear Buildup

If only Sting had possessed the foresight to hope that the Chinese love their two government-allotted children, too.


Ken Yaeger

China's Nuclear Buildup

We shouldn't worry. Judicious use of force is the traditional and typical of Chinese glorious history and cultural.


Sylvia Coombes

China's Nuclear Buildup

Doesn't China know that only the U.S. is responsible enough to have a nuclear arsenal?


Peter Dunn

American Taliban

Debate is raging over the proper punishment for John Walker, the California 20-year-old who fought with the Taliban against the U.S. What do you think?

I hope that traitor spends the rest of his life locked away in substantially better living conditions than he had in Afghanistan.


Vicki Robbins

American Taliban

Why couldn't he have been like other shallow, overprivileged white kids and just spent a few years in Prague?


Tom Eisen

American Taliban

As CEO of a major scotch manufacturer, I demand that he be referred to as John Lindh. Our image is going down the toilet, goddammit.


Frank Costello

American Taliban

Treason or not, I think it was hurtful and tasteless of Walker to go around in blackface like that.


Burt Bynum

American Taliban

We could execute Walker, or we could sentence him to tour the country's elementary schools lecturing on how plotting to destroy the U.S. is a dead end.


Roberta Davis

American Taliban

That's it. I'm pulling my son Jason out of that Pakistani madrassa pronto.


Donna Clarke

The Enron Scandal

Enron, which went bankrupt amid charges of document shredding, shady accounting, and executive greed, is the subject of a House hearing. What do you think?

Whoever is responsible for this scandal should be a man and step forward for a very short sentence in a very posh jail.


Chris Anderson

The Enron Scandal

Oh, to be a fly on the wall at that 463-hour hearing.


Buddy Jessup

The Enron Scandal

This marks the end of an era of innocence for our nation's massive energy concerns.


Frederick Voss

The Enron Scandal

Serves those employees right for buying into something as shady as a corporate 401(k) plan.


Robert Rossum

The Enron Scandal

It's bad, but it's not worth killing yourself over. Unless you're a former senior executive with inside knowledge of the company's crimes, that is.


Melinda Grazen

The Enron Scandal

The government is going to take a half-hearted stab at bringing those responsible to justice, right? Good.


Roger Koss

The Al-Qaeda Captives

U.S. leaders are divided over whether al-Qaeda detainees in Cuba should be classified as POWs and protected under Geneva Convention laws. What do you think?

Goddammit, just when we finally get some prisoners, everybody wants us to be all nice to them.


Donald Matthews

The Al-Qaeda Captives

I have to admit, it's funny the way those Marines had them bowing twice a day in the direction of Oscar Mayer world headquarters.


Bruce Nowell

The Al-Qaeda Captives

This is a totally different situation. Those Geneva Convention laws were written back when we were fighting white people.


Marcus Moore

The Al-Qaeda Captives

Geneva Convention, Schmeneva Convention. Refute that, if you possess the erudition.


Diana George

The Al-Qaeda Captives

We need to rough up these al-Qaeda guys a little if we're ever going to get them to confess who the one true God is.


Danielle Lund

The Al-Qaeda Captives

I don't think we should risk making martyrs of these men. Notice I said 'martyrs,' not 'quadriplegics.'


Dana Durbin

The Defense Budget

President Bush's proposed $379 billion defense budget would be the largest increase in two decades. What do you think?

That seems like a reasonable amount. Wait, I didn't see those last nine zeroes. Uh-oh.


Vanessa O'Connor

The Defense Budget

What do I care what Congress does with their money?


Dan Eckert

The Defense Budget

This is a return to the Reagan Era, when bombs came before the poor. It's time to reunite my '80s hardcore punk band, Critical Truth.


Richard Kent

The Defense Budget

Hopefully, the Pentagon will justify this massive spending outlay by buying some really cool shit.


Peter Lyght

The Defense Budget

So, do I get a $300 check this year? No? Bush is such an asshole.


Bob Nowell

The Defense Budget

Let us not lose sight of the most important thing here: bombsbombsbombsbombs- bombsbombsbombsbombs- bombsbombsbombsbombs, KABLOOMA!


Ellen Demuth

The Axis Of Evil

President Bush's State of the Union pronouncement that North Korea, Iran, and Iraq represent an "Axis of Evil"" continues to spark debate. What do you think?"

These 'Axis of Evil' nations are no more a threat than Libya, Syria, Cuba, Egypt, Pakistan, China, Saudi Arabia, or the Sudan. We've got nothing to worry about.


John Yancey

The Axis Of Evil

I strongly feel that our conflict with the Axis of Evil should not be settled on the battlefield, but in the pro-wrestling ring.


Rich Hoegert

The Axis Of Evil

Perhaps air-dropping food on these countries we just pissed off might help ease tensions.


Aimee Chambers

The Axis Of Evil

We should not try to stop the access of Evel. That man is a national treasure and should be allowed to move freely in whatever stadiums or canyon gorges he likes.


Rob Russell

The Axis Of Evil

Calling Iran part of an 'Axis of Evil' may cause average Americans to lump moderates like Mohammad Khatami in with extremists like Ali Khamenei and Hashemi Rafsanjami.


Anderson King

The Axis Of Evil

Aw, shit, not another Axis. That last one kicked our asses.


Patti Courson

The Cigarette Tax

Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?

I think that if these politicians enjoyed a nice, relaxing smoke once in a while, they wouldn't propose such uptight laws.


Frederick Purcell

The Cigarette Tax

The government is such a bunch of suckers. I haven't reported my cigarettes on my taxes once.


Todd Kantner

The Cigarette Tax

I don't care if they raise the price, because I'm the guy in the bar who doesn't smoke except when he drinks. Got a cigarette?


Danielle Dawes

The Cigarette Tax

How can I afford smokes now, especially with a baby on the way?


Richard McCall

The Cigarette Tax

The government has a right to tax unhealthy products because, after all, they pay for health care. What? They don't?


Mike Dutler

The Cigarette Tax

Well, $7 seems like a reasonable price to pay to calm my shakes and jitters over not having any fucking money.


Vicki Kjell

The Saudi Peace Plan

A Middle East peace plan from Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah has generated hope among both Palestinians and Israelis. What do you think?

I applaud Saudi Arabia for being willing to compromise on the degree to which Israel is wrong.


Robert Zisk

The Saudi Peace Plan

I think the U.S. should endorse Crown Prince Abdullah's plan only after exhaustive review by King Vitaman and Queen Sara Saturday.


Bryan Brecht

The Saudi Peace Plan

Wow, the Grammys and a Middle East peace plan, all in one week.


Isaac Robinson

The Saudi Peace Plan

This proposal is being put forth by a corrupt kingdom on behalf of two ancient sworn enemies whose agendas are dictated by their most extreme factions. How could it fail?


Miriam Holt

The Saudi Peace Plan

These Saudis are just a bunch of Jimmy Carter wannabes.


Fred Duffy

The Saudi Peace Plan


Rhonda Rowe

The Andrea Yates Trial

Andrea Yates, on trial for the drowning of her five children in the bathtub of their Houston home, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. What do you think?

This poor woman lost five children. Hasn't she suffered enough?


Bill Jackson

The Andrea Yates Trial

This is just a sad case of someone letting their child-killing impulses get out of control.


Maxwell Bosch

The Andrea Yates Trial

You know, a high percentage of child fatalities in the home occur in the bathtub. Who's to say the statistics didn't catch up to her all at once?


Bob Putnam

The Andrea Yates Trial

Yates killed not one, but five children? Wow, they certainly do do everything bigger in Texas.


Denise Pflaum

The Andrea Yates Trial

I can't shake the feeling that four or five years from now, we're in for the creepiest fucking Oprah guest ever.


Milton Oberst

The Andrea Yates Trial

The jury should declare Andrea Yates guilty by reason of drowning five children in a bathtub.


The Nuclear Response

Calling nuclear retaliation against attackers "an option

President Bush wants to build up the U.S. nuclear arsenal as a means of deterrence. What do you think?"

This is great news. I've always been afraid of dying alone.


The Nuclear Response

Oh, well. And I was just getting used to calling it a root cellar.


The Nuclear Response

Finally, the president is listening to what the American people want.


The Nuclear Response

At least this means they'll be reopening the nuclear-warhead factory here in Flint, MI.


The Nuclear Response

This is a difficult issue, but, ultimately, nuclear preparedness is the only answer to the problem of global population.


The Nuclear Response

Can we go back to ruining the world through deforestation and steady ozone depletion? That was a lot less scary.


George Kiehl

Gay Adoption

Rosie O'Donnell, an adoptive parent and newly out lesbian, called Florida's and President Bush's opposition to gay adoption "wrong."" What do you think?"

Rosie O'Donnell and her kind should not be allowed to adopt. You have no idea how bad it fucks kids up to be raised by celebrities.


Wendy Mota

Gay Adoption

You know, maybe gay adoption will scare conservatives enough that they'll consider safe, legal abortion as an alternative.


Chris Chance

Gay Adoption

The law needs to make a distinction here. Are we talking regular gay or whoo-hoo-fabulous gay?


Dan Durkee

Gay Adoption

As long as they're closeted gays, I have no problem with it.


David Whitten

Gay Adoption

Homosexuals should be allowed to adopt kids, but they should not be allowed to molest them. I firmly believe that.


Roberta Diamond

Gay Adoption

The last thing we need is to put children in the hands of people who actually want them.


Chris Davis

The Church Sex Scandal

A growing sex-abuse scandal is engulfing the Catholic Church, with many priests accused of sexually molesting children. What do you think?

Where in the Bible does it forbid someone to pin a 10-year-old behind a large cooler of Kool-Aid in a church basement?


Don Lawson

The Church Sex Scandal

Catholic priests are being unfairly singled out as pedophiles. We must not forget the music teachers and hockey coaches.


Phil Ormond

The Church Sex Scandal

This is just secular, liberal-media hysteria over thousands of grade-schoolers getting ass-raped.


Paul George

The Church Sex Scandal

Hey, if Abraham was willing to kill his son for God, the least a devout Catholic can do is let his kid get cornholed here and there.


Sheila Rutt

The Church Sex Scandal

Wine, candles, incense, frilly little frocks… you can see how it sets a mood.


Danielle Krug

The Church Sex Scandal

Now that it's out in the open, the healing can begin. Except for the kids.


Mary Putnam

Arafat Under Fire

Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think?

Arafat would never be behind any acts of terrorism. This is a Nobel Peace Prize winner we're talking about here.


Nancy McCune

Arafat Under Fire

I saw something about Arafat in the news last week, but I didn't catch exactly what it was any of the 63 times.


Craig Cuthbert

Arafat Under Fire

I don't know, some days I'm a Sharon guy and some days I'm an Arafat guy. Depends on my mood, really.


Ellis Richardson

Arafat Under Fire

It's a tough situation Arafat's in, trying to broker a peace accord while also keeping the suicide bombers happy.


Todd Kenilworth

Arafat Under Fire

The U.S. should shift its focus from eliminating Saddam Hussein to eliminating Arafat. He seems easier to get.


Joseph Biden

Arafat Under Fire

I honestly have no clue what's going on with that whole Arab-Israeli mess. And I'm Sen. Joseph Biden (D-DE), chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.


Daniel Mendoza

Drilling For Oil In Alaska

Seeking to decrease U.S. dependence on Iraqi oil, Senate Republicans want to open Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling. What do you think?

It'd be nice if we lived in some magical fantasy world where we could get energy from the sun and the wind, but we need to deal with reality.


Tim Wills

Drilling For Oil In Alaska

America needs to reduce its overall oil consumption, but I can't bring myself to ride the bus with a bunch of puds. So Arctic drilling it is.


Vincent Putnam

Drilling For Oil In Alaska

How much oil is in one of those seals, anyway?


Christine Sample

Drilling For Oil In Alaska

If I didn't know better, I'd say some oil man stands to make billions on this. Say, the president used to be in the oil business! Maybe he could help us sniff out the culprit!


Gene Oliver

Drilling For Oil In Alaska

If drilling kills off the refuge's indigenous wildlife, that'll give us a nice head start on the next generation of fossil fuels.


Diane Bell

Drilling For Oil In Alaska

We might as well use that oil. If we don't, our children will.


Fred Tillman

Cardinal Law Under Fire

Boston's Cardinal Law has been ordered to appear for a deposition to answer questions about his protection of a priest accused of sexual abuse. What do you think?

It's not like the cardinal molested the children. He just created an environment where it could continue unabated.


Michael Polk

Cardinal Law Under Fire

If nothing else, Cardinal Law is a great name for the TV movie that will inevitably be made about this.


Max Allard

Cardinal Law Under Fire

Just because a cardinal is in a position of power and trust doesn't mean we should hold him to the same standards of basic human decency as the rest of us.


Ben Downing

Cardinal Law Under Fire

As long as these priests admit wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness, God will reward them in the afterlife with all the little boys they could want.


Dianne Weston

Cardinal Law Under Fire

These plaintiffs should ask themselves if justice is worth the risk of excommunication.


Irene Bell

Cardinal Law Under Fire

Jesus has absolved Cardinal Law of his sins. That's why I'm bringing a $100 million class-action suit against Jesus next week.


Carl Morgan

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

This is the new O.J.! Except nobody gives a fuck, and there's a tiny sliver of a possibility that Blake didn't actually do it.


Milt Herndon

The Robert Blake Murder Case

His pet cockatoo Fred must be rolling in his cigar-box grave over this.


Rick Evans

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Bonny Lee Bakley was hardly a saint. She was a con-woman, a grifter. A flim-flammer and a bunko artist. This doll had more angles than an octagon.


Paul LeMaster

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Before we jump to any conclusions about Robert Blake's guilt or innocence, we should first consult the Internet Movie Database to make sure he's still alive.


Andrea Stennett

The Robert Blake Murder Case

As the man himself said, 'Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.' I'm sorry—I thought we were talking about William Blake.


Diane Venable

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Oh, those washed-up celebrities! Who will they kill next?


Chris Winfield

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

From France to Austria to the Netherlands, ultra-nationalist, far-right political parties hostile to immigration are making gains throughout Europe. What do you think?

Who cares if a bunch of fjord-niggers wanna go all fascist? We can take 'em.


Eileen Tenace

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

Darling, I just returned from Fascism Week in Milan, and I dare say floral prints are back with a cold, steel vengeance this year.


Paul Bevacqua

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

I thought France already was fascist. The French guy at the coffee shop sure is.


Dan Eichelberger

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

If everyone has food on the table and the trains run on time, maybe it's worth the occasional mile-deep pit of innocent civilians.


Laurie Almon

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

Imagine how awful it would be if there were a resurgence of anti-Semitism in Europe. It'd be just like the last 2,000 years all over again.


Raymond Fingers

Rise Of The Far Right In Europe

Just keep your eye on them shifty-looking Luxembourgers. They're just waiting for the rest of the world to blink.


Don Dawson

What Did Bush Know Before 9/11?

Last week, a report revealed that President Bush was briefed on the possibility of terrorist hijackings several weeks before Sept. 11. What do you think?

Of course the U.S. had prior warning. Flying a plane into a building requires a permit that has to be applied for months in advance.


Thomas Carter

What Did Bush Know Before 9/11?

In a post-Sept. 11 world, this pre-Sept. 11 information is chilling.


Bob Gullickson

What Did Bush Know Before 9/11?

As a regional FBI director, I want to assure the American people that tracking down potential terrorists is really, really hard.


Melanie Parrish

What Did Bush Know Before 9/11?

If Bush had gotten all panicked about the warning, the terrorists would have already won.


Jill Cromartie

What Did Bush Know Before 9/11?

I told everyone that something bad would happen to America in 2001. I even said the letter 'A' would be involved. But did they listen?


Kenneth LeFlore

What Did Bush Know Before 9/11?

Whoa. Back up. Now, what happened on Sept. 11?


Ron Dempster

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

According to intelligence officials, al-Qaeda or another terrorist group may one day attempt to carry out a suicide bombing on U.S. soil. What do you think?

Sept. 11 was meant to weaken our nation's resolve, but it only strengthened it. One or two more attacks should weaken it, though.


Eric Lattimore

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

Suicide bombing is the coward's way out. Tainting a city's water supply with a rare and lethal compound from deep space is the evil genius' way out.


Tom McEwan

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

Did you say I can get unlimited DVD rentals from Netflix.com for just $19.95 a month? Oh, you said suicide bombers may attack here. Never mind.


Nate Tucker

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

As long as we heed the vice-president's urging to generally be on alert for things, our nation is impregnable.


Melinda Collins

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

Turn on the TV these days, and all you see is sex and potential violence.


Diana Reese

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

The U.S. is safe, so long as the terrorists don't see us being critical of President Bush.


Irene Collins

The India-Pakistan Conflict

Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?

Ever since the days of Gandhi, India has been eager to overcome the stereotype that they're a bunch of wise, deeply spiritual peacemakers.


Gina Lathon

The India-Pakistan Conflict

If it does come down to a full-scale war, I'm siding with whichever country makes that awesome puffy bread.


Rich Ketcham

The India-Pakistan Conflict

India and Pakistan may be the next nations to use nukes in war, but no one had better forget who was first. USA! USA! USA!


Rajesh Subhraveti

The India-Pakistan Conflict

Oh, don't worry. All this tension and conflict is just a prelude to the showstopping Bollywood dance number.


Andrew Schorr

The India-Pakistan Conflict

Why would they fear a nuclear war? Pakistan's Muslims have an eternity of honeyed figs awaiting them in the afterlife, and India's Hindus will all just get reincarnated.


Marlon Watts

The India-Pakistan Conflict

You know, this is precisely why I only read the sports and comics sections.


Iris Murphy

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Canada's relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?

I am suddenly very suspicious of my next-door neighbor, Khalid al-McKenzie.


Bill Hrabosky

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

As a radical Islamic fundamentalist, I am seriously considering moving to Vancouver. It's sooo gorgeous there.


Don Nahorodny

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

My God, we could go to war with Canada over this. I only pray there's an army platoon with the afternoon free.


Louis Chambliss

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Why would terrorists need to go through Canada to get to the U.S.? It's not like the FBI would catch them if they came straight here.


Michael Horner

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

Canada needs to start doing a better job of racial-profiling non-Inuits.


Penny Niekro

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

See, I told you socialized medicine doesn't work.


Jim Miller

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

U.S. citizen Jose Padilla was arrested May 8 in a plot to detonate a "dirty bomb"" spewing low-level radiation. What do you think about this latest terror threat?"

I am an American, and I'm not about to be cowed into fearing things I should be afraid of.


Lisa Bell

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

I'm glad they caught that soy-bomb guy. He was a dick.


Frank Castellano

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

I don't know… picking up chicks with, 'Sleep with me, baby—tomorrow we could all be dirty-bombed' just doesn't cut it.


Dave Downing

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

That's so awesome that the government stopped a would-be terrorist. And right when they're reeling from criticism about that stuff. It's like fate! A magical cosmic symmetry!


Mitch Redmond

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

Tell you one thing: There wouldn't be all this bombing and killing stuff if everyone in the world were either me or my wife.


Dana Cornell

The 'Dirty Bomb' Threat

The big question is, how did we ever let a guy like this into the country? What? He was born here? Oh.


Executing The Mentally Retarded

The Supreme Court recently ruled that executing mentally retarded criminals is "cruel and unusual punishment

violating the Eighth Amendment. What do you think?"

My God. Now there's no holding back that group home down the street.


Executing The Mentally Retarded

That's too bad, because they're a whole lot easier to catch than regular murderers.


Executing The Mentally Retarded

Whew. I'm glad I got a few in just under the wire.


Executing The Mentally Retarded

The cook who prepares the last meals at our prison is already seeing a drop-off in requests for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.


Executing The Mentally Retarded

Yaaaaay! I'm not gonna be electricuded! Yaaaaay!


Executing The Mentally Retarded

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be measured by the way it treats its 'tards.


Rob Phelps

More Police Brutality In L.A.

The Inglewood police officer seen on a videotape violently arresting a handcuffed black teenager has pleaded innocent to an assault charge.What do you think?

How were those officers supposed to know that kid wasn't going to sprout an extra pair of arms from his back and pull a gun out of his neck as he lay pinned to the car's hood?


Christopher James

More Police Brutality In L.A.

They were just following the motto of the Inglewood Police Department: 'To protect and whomp the shit out of.'


Pete Bruge

More Police Brutality In L.A.

I'm just glad I live on the East Coast, where police are heroic.


Daniel Ziff

More Police Brutality In L.A.

Why must we always focus on the bad cops instead of the 65 percent of police officers who would never do anything like this?


Diane Essen

More Police Brutality In L.A.

I'm sure those officers wouldn't have done that unless it was absolutely necessary in order to hurt the guy.


Emily Schofield

More Police Brutality In L.A.

That tape was shameful. One cop brutalizes a suspect while five others just stand around? What do I pay my taxes for?


Chris George

Charging Obese Flyers Double

Southwest Airlines recently announced plans to strictly enforce a policy that asks passengers too large for its seats to purchase an extra fare. What do you think?

Making the obese pay more is fine, but waving them into their seats with fluorescent-orange batons is too much.


Robert Russell

Charging Obese Flyers Double

As a man who once lost 100 pounds, I say to hell with them—it's their fault they're fat. As a man who gained the 100 pounds back, I say have a heart, Southwest Airlines.


Donna Koechner

Charging Obese Flyers Double

That explains the 'Test Your Ass Dimensions' frame at the check-in counter.


Fred Issel

Charging Obese Flyers Double

I hope this controversy escalates. I would love to see that picket line.


Phil Lyman

Charging Obese Flyers Double

Perhaps the overweight passenger could help offset the price of the extra seat by, say, serving as a screen for the in-flight movie.


Meredith Poole

Charging Obese Flyers Double

Overweight people fully deserve the dignity they have denied themselves for so long.


Diane Prince

The WorldCom Scandal

WorldCom falsely accounted for $3.8 billion in expenses, enabling the company to continue reporting profits when it was actually losing money. What do you think?

Let's not be so quick to judge here. After all, who among us hasn't made an accounting error of $3.8 billion at some point?


Cindy Sherfee

The WorldCom Scandal

Well, maybe corporations wouldn't have to lie about their finances if the government didn't force them to pay taxes. Ever think about that, you liberal jerks?


Mick Olberding

The WorldCom Scandal

I like the way they sent their landlord a check made out to the gas company for $3.8 billion and vice-versa. I gotta remember that trick.


Scott Sullivan

The WorldCom Scandal

As the CFO of WorldCom, I assure you that I'll have this whole mess cleared up in no time, just as soon as I hit the exacta in the third race at Belmont. Go, Sheba's Dancer! Come on, Sheba's Dancer!


Dean Young

The WorldCom Scandal

This doesn't really affect me, as I've never heard of WorldCom. Now, if Taco Bell collapsed… shit.


Tom Dyson

The WorldCom Scandal

If investors divested from every corporation guilty of corruption and fraud, it would only precipitate a deep, years-long recession. It's our patriotic duty to look the other way.


John Pulliam

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

The FBI wants members of Congress to take lie-detector tests in an investigation of leaked information regarding the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think?

I only support lie-detector tests for lawmakers if the questions are funny and embarrassing.


Tom Allenby

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

I hope they also get to the bottom of who has been taking Sen. Hagel's Diet Cokes from the fridge. It happened again today.


Robyn Saunders

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

Stage Three: out-of-control finger-pointing."


Dana  Wertheimer

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

Are we going to treat our legislators like common white-collar criminals?


Richard Leach

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

Each time one of these lie-detector tests is given, it costs taxpayers $12,000. Okay, I just totally lied about that.


Edgar Wigand

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

All along, I've been saying Congress was involved in Sept. 11. But did anyone listen? No. Instead, I'm just dismissed as that crazy guy who lives under the overpass and shits in a KFC bucket.


Phil Dixon

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

PLO leader Yasser Arafat has amassed a personal fortune of $1.3 billion—much of it allegedly coming from international aid intended for his people. What do you think?

Wow, you could strap a lot of dynamite to a lot of teens with that kind of cash.


Melissa Unger

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

I had my suspicions when I saw footage of PLO soldiers throwing some really, really great rocks.


Danny Ploeg

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

Shit, you'd think he'd be able to afford to move.


Rachel Kittridge

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

It's not surprising. Arafat's compound is among among the most lavish cement dwellings in the entire West Bank.


Bob Lawton

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

Arafat's got $1.3 billion? I guess he does have a nickel for every time somebody called him a terrorist.


Ron Runnels

Arafat's $1.3 Billion

So as much as he hates the Jews, deep down he's really not all that different.


Rich Dobbs

Invading Iraq

Determined to oust Saddam Hussein, President Bush has been attempting to rally support for an invasion of Iraq. What do you think?

The time to invade Iraq is now. If we wait, cooler heads might prevail.


Douglas Glass

Invading Iraq

Ousting Saddam would at long last pave the way for a corrupt, unstable, pseudo-democratic puppet government with friendly ties to Washington.


Chuck Barker

Invading Iraq

Even Brent Scowcroft is against this, and that guy spends his weekends pipebombing puppy kennels.


Marty Ross

Invading Iraq

Well, I'm against it, but I'm probably in the minority, along with many Republicans, all non-Republicans, and the entire rest of the world.


Rachel Weitz

Invading Iraq

Isn't it funny how people say they'll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and they're moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region?


Maria Davillo

Invading Iraq

After all Bush has done for us, can't we let him have just this one thing?


Linda Symanski

Martha's Mess

Implicated in the ImClone trading scandal, Martha Stewart is now accused of illegally dumping her own company's stock, as well. What do you think?

You'd think Martha, of all people, would know how to put those worthless old stock certificates to good use instead of just dumping them.


Benjamin  Robison

Martha's Mess

Have they built a jail cell strong enough to hold her?


Beth Atkinson

Martha's Mess

Poor Martha. She showed a lost and confused world how to spruce up those ho-hum wall sconces, and this is how we thank her.


Frank Bergin

Martha's Mess

Young Man "I really don't think it's right for us to act as Martha Stewart's judge

and executioner. Executioner will have to do."


George Adamle

Martha's Mess

Funny, the Martha Stewart Living web site doesn't mention anything about this.


Norman Linn

Martha's Mess

First the Catholic Church, now Martha. Who's going to be left to make us feel bad about ourselves?


Dan Zorn

Legalizing Pot In Canada

Last week, a Canadian parliamentary committee recommended that the government legalize the use of marijuana. What do you think?

If they do legalize pot, they're gonna be the world's number-one economic power in no time, 'cause you can make anything out of hemp.


Erin Parker

Legalizing Pot In Canada

The last thing we need is a glut of web sites explaining how, if you watch Strange Brew while listening to Rush's 2112, it all matches up.


Doris Atkinson

Legalizing Pot In Canada

I just hope no marijuana slips into the U.S.


Bob Edwards

Legalizing Pot In Canada

I'm gonna toke up, sit back, and watch the geese.


Cameron Davis

Legalizing Pot In Canada

Yeah, I heard about that. They're doing the same thing in Canada.


Eric Donald

Legalizing Pot In Canada

They're legalizing pot, plus they already have free health care and almost no crime? Now, why exactly do we always make fun of them, again?


Christopher  Massey

Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

A number of America's top European allies, including France and Germany, strongly oppose any potential U.S. military action against Iraq. What do you think?

What? The rest of the world disapproves of America's militarism? Jesus, man, don't they know they can get bombed for that?


Lisa Hatcher

Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

Whatever will we do without the backing of the Spanish Armada?


Bob Olsen

Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

C'mon, one shot at ousting Saddam every 10 years is only fair.


Michael  Rossum

Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

It's not like we're asking our European allies to pitch in; we just want them to stand idly by and watch.


Rick Edgerton

Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

Fuck Europe. I hate those sniffy little watered-down wimps. So what if they're absolutely right? Fuckin' horse-eaters.


Michelle Glover

Europe, The U.S., And Saddam

It's good to see that after more than 50 years, America's shrewd piss-off-the-world strategy is finally starting to pay off.


John Englund

Bush And The Weapons Inspections

Last week, Saddam Hussein agreed to U.N. weapons inspections in Iraq, but President Bush dismissed the offer as a cynical ploy. What do you think?

It's clear to me that nothing short of war will stop Iraq from using its weapons.


Miriam Knorr

Bush And The Weapons Inspections

I'd feel a lot better about the president's handling of this global nuclear brinksmanship if he could actually pronounce the word nuclear.


Todd Thane

Bush And The Weapons Inspections

Bush should take up t'ai chi. He'd be a lot more relaxed and not so invady.


Mitchell Ploeg

Bush And The Weapons Inspections

Weird. It's almost as if Bush wants to invade.


Rick Dunst

Bush And The Weapons Inspections

This whole invasion-of-Iraq thing is so complicated. I wish Kurt Loder would explain it to me.


Audra Franks

Bush And The Weapons Inspections

So, let me get this straight: Bush is saying he wants to invade Iraq, and Iraq is, like, trying to talk him out of it? Is this how invasions are usually handled?


Shelly Sabel

The NYC Smoking Ban

New York is one of a number of U.S. cities considering a ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. What do you think?

This is a victory for annoying people like me who call cigarettes 'coffin nails' and 'cancer sticks' and all that sort of stuff.


Jef Awada

The NYC Smoking Ban

Has Amnesty International heard about this?


Tom Epstein

The NYC Smoking Ban

I can't stand cigarette smoke, but no one seems to care down at the Drink & Smoke & Drink & Smoke Tavern.


Jim Mackil

The NYC Smoking Ban

Now that New York has addressed the problem of secondhand smoke, maybe they'll tackle the problem of secondhand human-waste stench.


Dennis  McCormack

The NYC Smoking Ban

But what will I draw slowly on to indicate that I'm contemplating what's been said by my dinner companion?


Elizabeth  Gabbay

The NYC Smoking Ban

As a bar waitress, I'm glad someone is protecting my right to work in a bar that doesn't make any money.


Jon Gordimer

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

President Bush's standoff with Iraq has prompted debate over whether preemptive strikes are a justifiable U.S. military option. What do you think?

Those Iraqis have had it coming for a long time, suffering under the oppressive rule of a maniacal tyrant like that.


Eileen Stavros

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

Who's going to stop us, I ask you? The rest of the world? Excuse me while I laugh.


Rachel Eckert

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

If we don't take decisive action now, we run the risk of countless Iraqis continuing to live.


Craig Utrecht

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

Preemptive strikes are a dicey proposition. How about a test strike on Spain, to see how that goes?


George Banks

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

What other choice do we have? We've already exhausted every possible effort to find bin Laden.


Stephen  Edwards

The Preemptive-Strike Debate

Hey, if you've got a fucking problem with it, you can talk to my fucking fist. I'll be in the Senate chambers.


John McGee

The Dockworkers' Strike

Dockworkers in 29 West Coast ports returned to work last week under court order, tackling a 10-day backlog of cargo. What do you think?

Those damn dockworkers have it so good—except for the spending-all-day-hauling-200- pound-boxes part.


Grace Olney

The Dockworkers' Strike

My heart goes out to those dockworkers. They could have been contenders. They could have been somebody. Instead of a bunch of bums, which is what they are.


Randall  Smithson

The Dockworkers' Strike

I heard Bush ended this strike by invoking 1947's Taft-Hartley Act. If I were him, I'd leave that boring crap back in ninth-grade history, where it belongs.


Adam Nesbitt

The Dockworkers' Strike

Oh, good. I would have just died if some shit on a boat in San Francisco didn't get unloaded.