Toby Wagnuk

All it takes is one quick shot of someone putting on a condom to completely ruin a Viking fantasy.


Grace Ahlberg

Porn Industry Protests Condom Requirement

Members of the adult entertainment industry are protesting Proposition 60, a measure requiring actors to wear condoms on film, which performers say denies them the right to protect their bodies as they choose. What do you think?

It's nice to see porn stars and the Vatican on the same page for once.


Ted Kardatzke

Pediatricians Ease Screen Time Guidelines

Amending previous guidelines that children under 2 should avoid screen time and that teens should limit screen time to an hour per day, leading pediatricians now say toddlers can use FaceTime and Skype, and teens should simply balance screen time with other activities. What do you think?

I'm going to play it safe and continue to strictly limit the amount of Skyping I do with my nephews.


Craig Georges

I've never once considered monitoring my child's screen time. I guess I'm a better parent than I realized.


Marcie Dunlop

Sometimes a health professional just has to know when to throw in the towel.


Noel Whitehead

NFL Sees 10% Ratings Drop

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has acknowledged the league's drop in viewership this season, citing a lack of competitive games during primetime as a possible factor. What do you think?

Has the NFL tried adding more rules? People love rules.


Georgia Brenner

NFL Sees 10% Ratings Drop

I'm not surprised. The whole traumatic brain injury storyline is starting to feel a little repetitive.


Niko Berry

NFL Sees 10% Ratings Drop

There's no mystery here. The fault clearly lies with Jacksonville Jaguars tight end Ben Koyack.


Willie Gleason

UK Pardons Gay Men Convicted Of Abolished Sex Crimes

Britain has announced a plan to pardon thousands of gay and bisexual men previously convicted of sex offenses that have since been abolished, many of the pardons occurring posthumously. What do you think?

Should we really be publicly outing these people again?


Diana Ward

The government could also apologize, but let's give them another century or so to get around to doing that as well.


Joseph Pearl

This is great! That was my last outstanding warrant.


Chelsea Bing

D.C. Panda To Be Moved To China

Bao Bao, a panda born at the National Zoo in 2013, will be given over to the China Wildlife Conservation early next year under a cooperative breeding agreement that stipulates all cubs born in D.C. must be transferred back to China by age four. What do you think?


Christopher Conlon

D.C. Panda To Be Moved To China

How could Obama just sit there while China steals our pandas out from under us?


Pat Sheldon

D.C. Panda To Be Moved To China

I guess we shouldn't have told her all those state secrets.


Vanessa Petrik

UN Names Wonder Woman As Ambassador

The United Nations has announced that comic book character Wonder Woman will serve as their honorary Ambassador for the Empowerment of Women and Girls. What do you think?

Dang. I thought it was Squirrel Girl's year for sure.


Brody Mills

UN Names Wonder Woman As Ambassador

How come girls get a cool role model like Wonder Woman but boys just get 90 percent of the world's political leaders?


Aiden Puckett

UN Names Wonder Woman As Ambassador

Malala will have her chance once she's on track for the biggest box-office opening of 2017.


Rod Delling

Trump's Childhood Home Up For Auction

Donald Trump's childhood home, a 2,500-square-foot Tudor in Queens, is currently up for auction with a starting bid of $849,000. What do you think?

It looks like a charming place to raise an unambitious family of losers.


Brett Haymoor

Trump's Childhood Home Up For Auction

Is the house in good shape? The last thing I need is to invest heavily in something only to have it completely fall apart a few months later.


Sue Whitcomb

Trump's Childhood Home Up For Auction

That's a lot of money, even before the cost of bulldozing it to splinters and salting the earth in its wake.


Tanya Piro

Bob Dylan Refusing To Accept Nobel Prize

The Nobel Committee has attempted to contact singer-songwriter Bob Dylan multiple times since announcing him the winner of their prize in literature last week, though Dylan has yet to acknowledge the prize at all. What do you think?

If he's like me, he's holding out for the prize in chemistry.


Henry Gibbs

It's probably just a repudiation of Alfred Nobel's controversial legacy, but someone should go check to make sure he didn't slip in the shower or anything.


Zeke Pearl

But accepting this prize would make Dylan a sellout, much like appearing in Pepsi and Chrysler commercials.


Marcus Hale

Women Work 39 More Days Per Year Than Men

According to the World Economic Forum's Global Gender Gap Report for 2016, women work an average of 39 more days per year than men, or about 50 extra minutes per day. What do you think?


Ruby Welles

But how many of them were just staying late because they had plans in the neighborhood later?


Dimitri Pelayo

Obviously men need to take some days off to spend all the extra money they earn.


Rich Dawes

Trump's Star Vandalized On Hollywood Walk Of Fame

A vandal has removed Donald Trump's name from his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame using a pickax and a hammer. What do you think?


Mindy Nillis

Hopefully, seeing his name on skyscrapers and golf courses around the world will lessen this blow.


Chuck Somerfell

No matter your political leanings, the Hollywood Walk of Fame should be a place of refuge and quiet reflection.


Morgan Delancey

Study: Small Lies Lead To Bigger Lies Over Time

Neuroscientists have found that the more a person lies, the bolder those lies become, with low blood flow to the amygdala indicating increased comfort with lying. What do you think?

Yeah, yeah. We've all seen Breaking Bad.


Chase Wheelan

You'll never get better at anything worthwhile without practice.


Julian Niles

I already knew about that. I was actually named head researcher on that project. Just one of the perks of running every lab in the world.


Darlene Crowley

HIV Evidence Debunks 'Patient Zero' Myth

New evidence shows HIV entered the U.S. around 1971, refuting the theory that Patient Zero, a French-Canadian flight attendant, transmitted it sexually in the 1980s to men in New York and California. What do you think?

Finally. The flight attendant community has suffered from this stigma for far too long.


Scotty Bularzik

Looks like all those walks I've done for AIDS research are starting to pay off.


Samuel Dunham

But I'm so much more comfortable blaming a huge problem on just one person.


Paul Gaska

Twitter Announces End Of Vine App

Vine, a popular mobile app for creating six-second videos, will be shuttered by Twitter in the coming months, a decision following layoffs of 9 percent of Twitter's workforce. What do you think?

It was good in its heyday, but attention spans have really dropped since 2013.


Grant Walsh

Twitter Announces End Of Vine App

While this news is disappointing, it should allow Twitter to focus on their core business of providing an outlet for the anonymous harassment of celebrities.


Tammy Bodkin

Twitter Announces End Of Vine App

The best Vines will loop forever in our hearts.


Niles Bennings

FBI Investigating New Clinton Emails

During an unrelated investigation of Anthony Weiner's alleged sexting with a minor, the FBI has uncovered further emails from Hillary Clinton's server that they plan to investigate. What do you think?

I knew there was more she was hiding! Or that she's done nothing wrong. Whichever.


Jared Hickock

FBI Investigating New Clinton Emails

It just goes to show: you never know what you'll find while investigating Anthony Weiner for inappropriate communication with minors.


Therese Godwin

FBI Investigating New Clinton Emails

Sorry, but I've already reached the cutoff date for factoring new information into my opinion.


Ann LaRoche

West Virginia Leads Nation In Heart Attacks

New findings show that Charleston, WV has the nation's highest rate of heart attacks at 8.8 percent, as well as higher rates of obesity and depression, while Boulder, CO has one of the lowest heart attack rates. What do you think?

Heart attacks and depression are worth it to live in West Virginia.


Sean Greene

You'd think people would be in better shape from so much fiddling.


Ernie Worthen

This is sure to exacerbate the already fierce Charleston–Boulder rivalry.


Don Baltz

New Male Birth Control Method Tested

A recent study testing male forms of birth control administered a shot designed to lower sperm count in men, though possible side effects include irregular heartbeat, increased libido, and acne. What do you think?

I'm quite capable of low sperm count on my own, thank you.


Terrance Paskin

New Male Birth Control Method Tested

Why do we need this when women's birth control has absolutely no side effects that I'm aware of?


Judd Barstell

New Male Birth Control Method Tested

I don't know if I can handle the threat of acne hanging over me.


Stephanie Langdon

Beauty Queen Told To Lose Weight Quits Pageant

Arna Ýr Jónsdóttir, Miss Iceland of the Miss Grand International beauty pageant, quit the competition after staff told her to eat less before the final round because she had too much fat, comments that pageant officials have defended as standard practice. What do you think?

It's so brave of those pageant organizers to defend what they believe in.


Mario Stebbins

Tomorrow's feminists shall stand atop her brave, immense shoulders.


Liam Grant

This serves as a stirring reminder that every one of us could stand to lose a little weight.


Jared Humphries

Starbucks 'Unity' Cup Draws Criticism

Starbucks has introduced a Unity cup for election season patterned with sketches of diverse people embracing one another, a release that has drawn criticism for what many are calling a reductive message. What do you think?

That's just great. Now I won't have any outrage left for when they totally screw up the holiday cup.


Todd Schumacher

Starbucks 'Unity' Cup Draws Criticism

At a time like this, we need a paper cup that acknowledges the issues and offers comprehensive solutions.


Joette Donelan

Starbucks 'Unity' Cup Draws Criticism

From now on, I'll be drinking Dunkin' Donuts coffee in their 'Division and Resentment' cups.


Selena Hogan

Uber Drivers Found To Discriminate By Gender, Race

A two-year study of discrimination within ride-hailing app Uber found that drivers are much more likely to cancel on black customers, while female riders were overcharged more often than men. What do you think?

It wouldn't be a true sharing economy if we didn't share our prejudices, too.


Gary Tuttle

It's comforting to know that as much as technology might evolve, society will never lose sight of what makes us terrible.


Vince Bardo

I'll definitely interrogate my next driver about this.


Kiki Mayworth

Glamour' Names Bono Its First Man Of The Year

Glamour magazine's 2016 women of the year list includes U2 frontman and political activist Bono, the first man to be featured in the lineup thanks to his Poverty is Sexist campaign to aid women and children. What do you think?

This puts a lot of pressure on Cosmo to finally put Don Henley on the cover.


Jeff Hundley

When you got a bunch of men like the president and sports stars calling themselves feminists, women are lucky to be included in this list at all.


Stan Westin

I don't care what they say. I still prefer the understated elegance of The Edge.


Cady Barrett

Cubs Win First World Series In 108 Years

The Chicago Cubs have won the World Series against the Cleveland Indians, their first World Series run since 1945 and their first win since 1908. What do you think?

Cleveland's players must not love baseball very much.


Zeke Willow

I've been looking for an excuse to break into a liquor store!


Moe Gillivray

I just wish my dad was here to see this. He hated baseball, but it'd be nice if he were still alive.


James Belzer

World's Largest Space Telescope Set To Launch

The James Webb Space Telescope, in construction for the past 20 years, is set to launch in 2018, more powerful than Hubble and capable of repairs without human intervention. What do you think?

If I wanted to see the wonders of the universe I'd just look into the eyes of my wife.


Candy Mitchell

Amazing. Less than half a century after putting a man on the moon, we already have the technology to take a really great picture of it.


Caleb Menaker

Looking at stuff has always been my favorite part of the scientific process.


Thom Malke

Penn State Fined $2.4 Million For Handling Of Sandusky Case

Concluding a five-year investigation, federal officials have fined Penn State $2.4 million for their complicity in Jerry Sandusky's history of child sex abuse. What do you think?

Whoa, that's more than 0.06% of their endowment.


Treacy Bollin

Why should the Penn State of today have to pay for the sins of its recent past?


Harry Stuebens

Oh, great. Blame the school for what one sicko did because the school let him.


Tyson Moore

Trump's Twitter Access Revoked

The New York Times is reporting that aides have wrested control of Donald Trump's Twitter account in the crucial final days of his campaign in an attempt to minimize any polarizing remarks. What do you think?

I knew there was a good reason he wasn't responding to my DMs.


Mandy Kalecky

Trump's Twitter Access Revoked

If he can't handle his own Twitter account, how is he going to handle the power and responsibility of @POTUS?


Kris Riggs

Trump's Twitter Access Revoked

That's okay. I think I got the gist of it over the past year.


Francesca Lucci

Nutella Aims To Reduce Serving Size, Display Fewer Calories

The makers of Nutella are petitioning the FDA to reclassify their chocolate-hazelnut product as a spread rather than its current status as a dessert topping so as to reduce the serving size and halve the fat and calories displayed on the label. What do you think?

Thanks, but I prefer to keep my views on what constitutes a Nutella serving size private.


Rod Batten

Finally some clarity! I've just been eating it continuously until I enter diabetic shock.


Mitch Slocum

In that case, could they reclassify butterscotch pudding as a spread, too?


Paul Wolinsky

America Votes For President

The nation will cast their votes today to decide whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump becomes the next president of the United States. What do you think?


Robert Ortell

America Votes For President

Everyone with my worldview should get out there and make their voices heard!


Gemma Clausen

America Votes For President

I just wish I had one more day with them both.


Megan Erdmann

Trader Joe's Fires Employee For Non-Genuine Smile

A former employee of a Trader Joe's on New York's Upper West Side claims to have been fired for failing to muster a genuine-looking smile for patrons. What do you think?

Frankly, to see anyone genuinely enjoying their job is a bit off-putting.


Clark Bertucci

I'm sure this is why most people get an acting degree before entering the service industry.


Cullen Long

Let this serve as a warning to all those who dare withhold lighthearted commentary on my purchases.


Verne Hall

Donald Trump Elected President

After the tightest race since 2000, Donald Trump has been elected president of the United States. What do you think?

Now that the election is behind us, I look forward to putting the next four years behind us as well.


Dale Woodrow

Donald Trump Elected President

I have to admit, Trump did look pretty presidential last night addressing the nation in the wake of a national disaster.


Caroline Beckett

Donald Trump Elected President

With any luck, there's still time for me to be one of those 100-year-old women on the news thrilled with the election of the first female president.


Rory Federman

Obama, Trump Meet At White House

President Obama has invited president-elect Trump to meet with him at the White House today to discuss plans for a smooth transition of power. What do you think?

Maybe they can have a good laugh over the birth certificate thing while they're at it.


Dick Jarvis

Obama, Trump Meet At White House

If Trump's smart, he'll also drop off some of his boxes and furniture to save a trip later on.


Carrie Sloan

Obama, Trump Meet At White House

President Obama.' Huh. I'll never get used to that.


Gail Dwyer

Implant Lets Paralyzed Monkey Walk Again

Using a series of electrodes and transmitters implanted along the spinal cord, a team of neurosurgeons has restored a paralyzed macaque's ability to walk. What do you think?

Remember, this is still in its early stages. We shouldn't go out paralyzing monkeys left and right just yet.


Reid Hammer

If they keep at it, one day this technology might also be applicable to chimps.


Carl Casey

They'd better keep a close eye on him now that he can escape.


Kyle Ramos

Prince Harry Condemns Media Coverage Of Girlfriend

Meghan Markle, the American actress currently dating Prince Harry, has been the victim of media harassment since the couple made their relationship public, suffering break-ins and invasions of privacy that Harry and Buckingham Palace have strongly condemned. What do you think?

No, I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to say whatever I want about anyone on TV.


Cliff McAndrew

Can't the media just let their relationship fall apart publicly on its own?


Larissa Shulik

Just get her to tell us who her favorite designers are and how she likes to spend a Sunday off and we promise to leave her alone.


Phil Matteson

AMC Reports Record Revenues

Cinema chain AMC Entertainment has reported record revenues, up 13 percent to $497 million due to slightly higher ticket costs, increased spending on concessions, and a string of blockbuster releases. What do you think?

The more movies you can stuff Batman into, the more movies I'm going to see.


Regina Lundt

AMC Reports Record Revenues

I'll have to remember to congratulate the concessions people the next time I'm there!


Henry O'Dowd

AMC Reports Record Revenues

It's a good time to be in the business of helping people escape reality.


Treacy Lerman

Marijuana Could Weaken Heart Muscles

A recent study found that regular users of marijuana might be at higher risk for stress cardiomyopathy, which mimics the symptoms of a heart attack. What do you think?

I knew I was actually dying that one time.


Nic Wolter

Marijuana Could Weaken Heart Muscles

A weak heart is a small price to pay for the buttery head-high you get after ripping a load of Purple Goblin.


Joe DiMaria

Marijuana Could Weaken Heart Muscles

It's best to know the health risks of occasionally taking an hour to relax.


Kyle Roach

Facebook Blamed For Political Misinformation

Facebook has denied claims that their news algorithm aided Trump's presidential victory due to its ability to be manipulated by those who profit from spreading misinformation, though they admit the algorithm could be improved. What do you think?

Wahhh, I'm a crybaby liberal who wants accuracy and accountability from major media companies!


Nolan Ostren

Blaming Facebook for the election results does seem like a good way to make me feel better about not voting.


Sandra Zavagnin

Oh, I've got at least a dozen apps dedicated to strengthening my confirmation bias.


Alexei Marcus

People' Names Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson Sexiest Man Alive

Wrestler and actor Dwayne The Rock Johnson has been named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2016, which Johnson attributes to his sense of humor. What do you think?

Looks like all those hours honing his sense of humor really paid off.


Zoey Pashman

I just hope Johnson will address the problems in sexiness today while protecting what fundamentally makes sexiness great.


Ross Poland

We'll see who's sexier when we get in the ring.


Daniel Welles

Carrie Fisher Reveals Affair With Harrison Ford

Actress Carrie Fisher reveals in a new memoir that she and Star Wars co-star Harrison Ford had a real-life affair in addition to their on-screen romance when she was 19 and he was 33. What do you think?

I guess I'll have to find a new big surprise to reveal in my memoirs.


Carol Burke

Who cares? Let's hear some juicy behind-the-scenes stories from 'When Harry Met Sally.'


Bob Miklosz

I like it when movies and real life are the same.


Cynthia Moser

2016 Set To Be Hottest Year On Record

The World Meteorological Organization has announced with 90 percent certainty that 2016 will be the hottest year on record, surpassing previous records set by 2015 and 2014. What do you think?

Oh, you can just go ahead and use whatever quote I gave you last year.


Lukas Steinberg

2016 Set To Be Hottest Year On Record

The World Meteorological Organization is nothing more than a puppet of leading climate scientists across the globe.


Timothy Kandimer

2016 Set To Be Hottest Year On Record

Could we please get to the point where the earth is beyond saving, just to end the nagging?


Rick Wallensky

Tinder Redesigns Gender Options

In an effort to reduce harassment, dating app Tinder will now provide users a selection of 30 different gender identity options or the choice to display no gender at all. What do you think?

So many different types of people to be rejected by!


Evan O'Doyle

Tinder Redesigns Gender Options

Sure, as long as they ban any weirdos who are just on Tinder to find friends.


Grace Mulaney

Tinder Redesigns Gender Options

I don't understand what being open, honest, and respectful has to do with finding a romantic partner.


Stephen Lukas

NASA Astronaut Sets Record For Oldest Woman In Space

Peggy Whitson, age 56, is about to embark on her third mission aboard the International Space Station, making her the oldest woman to be sent into space. What do you think?

It's impolite to bring up a woman's age.


Derek Howe

Isn't she old enough to let go of these silly astronaut dreams by now?


Diane Chronister

I can relate. I aspire to become the oldest woman in Ohio.


Brant Ellison

Teen Birth Rates Dropping Nationwide

The CDC reports that the teen birth rate in the U.S. has been on the decline in all areas of the country every year since 2007. What do you think?

Yet another great American tradition that's dying off.


Kurt Diwald

Teen Birth Rates Dropping Nationwide

This information is really clashing with the paranoid narrative in my head, so if it's all the same to you, I'll go ahead and ignore it.


Felicity Werner

Teen Birth Rates Dropping Nationwide

I think it's great that so many teenagers are finding God.


Nic Franco

Stephen Hawking: Earth Doomed Within 1,000 Years

Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking estimates that threats such as global warming and nuclear proliferation mean it is likely that humanity will be doomed within 1,000 years unless we colonize other planets. What do you think?

He should really keep these thoughts to himself.


Patti Schroeder

I'm with Hawking. I'd love to take a couple other planets down with us.


Alan Rink

Who cares? That's like a million years away.


Nick Markos

Pope Francis Declares Abortion Forgivable

Though it remains a grave sin, Pope Francis has granted all priests the ability to forgive abortion in confession, supplanting the old rule that a bishop must intervene. What do you think?

Aw, man. Isn't anyone gonna burn in hell?


Lara Klingler

There goes my plan to finally meet Bishop DiLorenzo.


Tommy Dabney

What about us guys? Any cool new grave sins we're allowed to play around with now?


Judy Mundt

Fish, Pastry Microbes Found On New York ATMs

A new report cataloguing swabs from ATM keypads throughout New York City found that in addition to bacteria from human skin, microbes from fish, mollusks, and baked goods were also widespread. What do you think?


Brady Lefkin

There's nothing more annoying than some microbiologist swabbing for gross little organisms while you're waiting in line behind them.


Craig Witzke

Fine! I admit to enjoying a bit of cake while making my withdrawals!


Jackson Doris

Nearly Half The World Will Be Online By 2017

The UN has announced that due to increased access and lower cost, roughly half the world's population will be using the internet by the end of the year. What do you think?

Oh, so that's why it's been so slow lately.


Dean Kolen

Mankind is not truly a united family until a Kyrgyzstani shepherd can weigh in on where the Legend of Zelda franchise went wrong.


Patti Wirtz

I've been online since 2003, so I can show them the ropes if they want.


Martin Waugh

Melania And Barron Trump Won't Live In White House

It was announced that Melania and Barron Trump will stay in New York City after Inauguration Day rather than move to the White House so that Barron can continue at the same school. What do you think?

It's important to maintain a sense of normalcy for billionaire children by not uprooting them from their gold skyscrapers.


Gwen Harbury

Good. I like a president with zero distractions.


Jermaine Nolan

Yeah, it was rough on me when I had to transfer schools after my dad got a new job he was in no way qualified for.


James Crowder

Sweden Debuts 'Mansplaining' Hotline

A workers union in Sweden has introduced a hotline that women can call to report incidents of 'mansplaining,' or condescending and unsolicited explanations from men on a given topic. What do you think?

Women always get the best trauma hotlines.


Graham Mills

Sweden Debuts 'Mansplaining' Hotline

I have a compelling elucidation of why this hotline isn't necessary.


Lyle Kreuk

Sweden Debuts 'Mansplaining' Hotline

Okay, but who can I call if I need to mansplain something?


Glen Batten

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Across the nation, families and friends are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?


Ed Lester

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

I'm thankful that those closest to me have, for the most part, texted me back.


Maude Cheney

Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

I really don't give my kidneys enough credit.


Charlene Woods

Video Game Aims To Diagnose Alzheimer's

Analyzing scores from Sea Hero Quest, a nautical navigation video game, Alzheimer's researchers can determine how fast navigational skills decline with age, which in turn helps diagnose the disease earlier than ever before. What do you think?

Dammit! Tricked into becoming a pawn for dementia research yet again.


Jake Hestin

Video Game Aims To Diagnose Alzheimer's

I had a feeling Grandpa was easing into his winter years when I started handing him his ass in Heroes of the Storm.


Corey Schultz

Video Game Aims To Diagnose Alzheimer's

Plus it helped diagnose my prostate cancer. But that story's too long to tell here.


Connor Pasquinelli

Fidel Castro Dies

Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, a divisive figure seen as both a ruthless revolutionary and a socialist leader against American imperialism, has passed away at age 90. What do you think?

I, too, hope that no one knows whether to address my eventual death as a good or bad thing.


Craig Gallo

Fidel Castro Dies

If this does nothing to limit my access to cigars, then I accept it.


Martina Dudzik

Fidel Castro Dies

There goes my chance to impress the CIA.


Chuck Mahoney

Sexism Potentially Harmful To Men's Health

New research has found that men who adhere to traditional masculine norms are more likely to harm the women around them and suffer worse psychological health than men who do not strictly follow these norms. What do you think?

Masculinity is toxic? I'd like to see these psychologists say that to my face!


Frieda Weir

Does this study take into account how depressing it is to be a person in general?


Desmond Smith

Great! So sexism is its own punishment and we can stop whining about it.


Lily Petz

India Aims For Cashless Society

Indian prime minister Narendra Modi has banned the 500 and 1,000 rupee notes from circulation with the aim of moving toward a cashless society, an attempt to modernize India and target corruption. What do you think?

As someone with no cash, I'm ready to make the leap.


Harvey Wade

India Aims For Cashless Society

About time. I'm sick of seeing Mahatma Ghandi's smug face every time I open my wallet.


Dan Whitfield

India Aims For Cashless Society

An economic policy with no apparent benefit to the lower and middle classes? They really are keeping apace with America.


Kyle Woodsley

Charleston Shooter To Represent Self In Court

Dylann Roof, who shot and killed nine worshippers at a Charleston church in 2015, has been deemed mentally fit to stand trial and has chosen to represent himself in the case. What do you think?


Gracie Honan

Well, our justice system does ensure the right to refuse legal counsel and continue terrorizing one's victims throughout cross-examination.


Nathan Kling

Why not? He was already deemed competent enough to own firearms.


Stu Rippon

Study: Tennis Leads To Longer Life

A decade-long study tracking adults' fitness habits found that those who played racket sports like tennis, badminton, or squash were 47 percent less likely to die during the study. What do you think?

So you're saying that bastard Jimmy Connors isn't going anywhere soon.


Brad Thaymore

Study: Tennis Leads To Longer Life

I knew there was a correlation between paying $400 a week for tennis lessons and having quality medical care!


Carol Dolan

Study: Tennis Leads To Longer Life

Oh yeah. I just realized how many tennis courts I've been to without spotting a single corpse.


Joe Dybas

California Weighs Ban On Lawyer-Client Relations

California's state bar association is examining its ethics standards to determine whether lawyers should be banned from sleeping with clients, a measure that some say is a violation of fundamental privacy rights. What do you think?

But it's the ethical gray area that makes it so hot!


Clark Whitcomb

Why is the state of California always trying to sabotage my happiness?


Patsy Noonan

Please hurry with this. The sexual tension with Robert is more than I can bear.


Ernie Welles

Religion Triggers Brain's Reward Centers

A recent study conducted MRI scans on devout Mormons as they prayed and found that religious thoughts activated the same reward centers in the brain as things like love, music, and even drugs. What do you think?

Not if your love for God is truly selfless, like mine!


Aubrey Dale

I hope the good Lord can forgive me for indulging in the sensuous pleasures of the hypothalamus.


Roy Duncan

PTSD Treated With Ecstasy

A new treatment for soldiers suffering PTSD combines pure ecstasy with psychotherapy, a regimen that has seen overwhelmingly positive results and one that could be approved for widespread use by 2021. What do you think?

Sorry, but my concern for veterans stops just short of supporting effective treatments.


Mac Zaltzman

PTSD Treated With Ecstasy

So my dealer was right about the military-industrial complex threatening to put him out of business.


Greta Niemeyer

PTSD Treated With Ecstasy

We owe it to our veterans to give them the high they deserve!


Geoff Tankin

Rocky' Turns 40

Rocky, the iconic sleeper hit about a working-class boxer who takes on the reigning heavyweight champion, debuted on this weekend in 1976, eventually grossing $225 million and spawning six sequels. What do you think?

I'm heading out to punch some meat in celebration!


Effie Waldorf

Rocky' Turns 40

The Rocky franchise was way ahead of its time in anticipating audiences' desire for more of the same.


Johnny Besler

Rocky' Turns 40

And it keeps getting better and better with each half hour I catch on TV.


Trista Keegan

Reddit Cracks Down On 'Toxic' Users

Reddit co-founder Steve Huffman has announced a new push to crack down on the site's most troublesome users, banning pages where moderators are abused by trolls. What do you think?

Nobody should be silenced for having the courage to expose an opponent's home address.


Samuel Carsella

Reddit Cracks Down On 'Toxic' Users

About time. My r/Monopoly_Strategies group is being torn apart by petty personal insults.


Burt Mueller

Reddit Cracks Down On 'Toxic' Users

Some people are simply lonely and seek a place where their threats can be heard.


Sandi Watley

White House Supports Military Draft Registration For Women

Calling it a commitment to equity, the Obama administration has announced it supports requiring women to register for a military draft as men do. What do you think?

We must only be a few symbolic gestures away from full equality now.


Ted Fowler

Sure, it sounds good in theory, but let's see how the ladies do when they're actually filling out the card.


Brendan Fogerty

Anyone who doesn't want to die in a war isn't a real feminist.


Dale Dunham

Dakota Access Pipeline Blocked

The Army Corps of Engineers has decided to halt the construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline through Native American territory, a victory for the tribes and protesters who spent months fighting the proposal. What do you think?

It's now clearer than ever that our military is far too weak.


Terry Woodsen

Dakota Access Pipeline Blocked

See? The government listens to its people, provided those people first withstand months of police abuse.


Nina Sandosz

Dakota Access Pipeline Blocked

This is a sad day for water poisoners everywhere.


Alexander Stumpf

C-Sections Altering Evolution

Research confirms cesarean-section births are altering human evolution due to women's increased ability to deliver children and impart their genes despite a narrow birth canal, a previously fatal condition for women and their infants in labor. What do you think?

As a perpetual bachelor, I like to think that I'm also altering evolution.


Nathan Boyer

C-Sections Altering Evolution

This is really going to bite us in the ass in 4,000,000 years.


Callie Westin

C-Sections Altering Evolution

Wow. It's like every day I discover a new reason why I should already be dead.


Aisha Lane

Trump Selects Ben Carson As HUD Secretary

Donald Trump has selected retired neurosurgeon and former Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development. What do you think?

This is so exciting. Fish-out-of-water stories are my favorite!


Gary Bennings

Sorry, but I'm busy being terrified of this cabinet for several other reasons.


Griffin Townsend

Sometimes you need an inexperienced outsider to bring a fresh perspective to highly specialized government positions.


Juan Bernal

Hypochondriacs More Likely To Have Health Issues

A new study has concluded that adults with hypochondria, or baseless anxiety about one's health, are more likely to suffer actual health problems like heart attacks. What do you think?

So you're saying this thing on my leg could be a heart attack waiting to happen?


Bess McTeer

I've always believed that as long as you set your mind to it, you can contract anything.


Bill Taggart

Chalk it up to the stresses of constant vigilance.


Mick Langley

Donald Trump Named 'Time' Person Of The Year

Time magazine has selected Donald Trump as their Person of the Year for 2016. What do you think?

I hold out hope that Time For Kids magazine has the good sense to name Malala their Person of the Year once again.


Shaun Bennett

It's about time they recognize him for defeating and shaving WWE chairman Vince McMahon.


Kiley Weber

At least it wasn't one of those bullshit picks like 'The American Consumer.'


Derek Steffans

Matt Damon Dismisses 'Whitewashing' Controversy

Addressing criticism of his upcoming film Great Wall, in which he plays a savior of China, Matt Damon denied that his portrayal is an instance of Hollywood whitewashing. What do you think?

It's not like the role was written for a Chinese actor and Damon usurped it. The film was designed from the beginning to be culturally tone-deaf.


Carla Price

I'd be more inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt had I not just seen the latest Bourne installment.


Terrance O'Day

He already told everyone they were wrong. What more do you want?


Francine Sutton

Controversial 'Heartbeat Bill' Passes In Ohio

Ohio has passed a bill banning abortions from the moment a fetus develops a discernible heartbeat, or approximately six weeks into pregnancy. What do you think?

It isn't a heartbeat that makes us human. It's our insatiable desire to regulate what other people can do with their own bodies.


Abe Mercer

Republicans are just making good on their promise to reduce government involvement in our daily lives except in cases where it could benefit them politically.


Samuel Grobnik

I've heard Ohio is one of the best places to raise a legally mandated child.


Desmond Rink

John Glenn Dead At 95

Astronaut John Glenn, the first American to orbit the earth and later a record-setter for oldest person in space aboard a 1998 mission, has died at age 95. What do you think?

This gives me hope that maybe someday I'll die.


Paul Rhone

John Glenn Dead At 95

The moon landing might have been faked, but Glenn was the real deal. A true hero.


Farrah Klingler

John Glenn Dead At 95

He's finally achieved his goal of getting away from Earth permanently.


Claude Washington

Bikini Waxing Linked To STDs

A new report states that removal of pubic hair, such as bikini waxing, leads to higher likelihood of herpes, syphilis, and HPV due to a lack of hair to block harmful matter from entering any small cuts formed. What do you think?

My impenetrable thicket of body hair is looking smarter and smarter!


Gail Tiernan

Bikini Waxing Linked To STDs

Huh. I had no idea the two were linked in that specific way.


Joshua Salter

Bikini Waxing Linked To STDs

I knew I was going to regret stopping to talk to you.


Ilana Mabrey

2016 In Entertainment

This year saw controversial Oscar nominations, a flareup in Kanye West–Taylor Swift drama, and the mannequin challenge. What do you think was the top entertainment story of 2016?

This year's reboots were good, but the remakes were bad.


Brant Tuttle

2016 In Entertainment

Obviously, the immense loss of coloratura soprano Patrice Munsel dominated the year's entertainment landscape.


Lamar Tanner

2016 In Entertainment

Our neighborhood got a Smoothie King and a Pei Wei really close by in that new strip mall.


Tucker Bentley

2016 In International News

This year our ties with Russia reached a 40-year low and Britain sought to disengage from the EU. What do you consider the biggest international news story of the year?

If I say 'unrest in Syria,' will I be asked any follow-up questions?


Vanessa Pedrillo

2016 In International News

Queen Elizabeth turned 90, and Prince George turned 3!


Garth Sandborne

2016 In International News

I'm hoping it's the excitement of the 2016 Rio Olympic Games, but I won't know for sure until I get around to watching them.


Ralph Coogan

2016 In Sports

The NFL took a ratings hit this year, and the Summer Olympics impressed in Rio. What do you think is the biggest sports story this year?


Marcie Dickinson

2016 In Sports

LeBron James pulled off an amazing out-of-nowhere block in that Sprite commercial.


Jonah Wylp

2016 In Sports

I'm just continually blown away by all the running around.


Ray Gubler

2016 In Technology

The year 2016 brought us runaway hit Pokémon Go and affordable personal VR systems. What do you think is the biggest technological development of 2016?

I finally figured out how to play videos from my phone on the TV.


Josh Kinget

2016 In Technology

Despite that cool explosion feature, I thought the overall user experience of the Galaxy Note 7 was pretty disappointing.


Joyce Dunner

2016 In Technology


Victoria Kinsell

2016 In The Economy

This year proved to be a steady one for the U.S. economy, despite many questionable mergers of major corporations. What do you think about the economy of 2016?

It was, admittedly, a pretty steady year for everything not falling apart.


Theo Jensen

2016 In The Economy

Overall, hourly earnings went up 2.5 percent for those of us clinging to whatever job we can find.


Wayne O'Neal

2016 In The Economy

I could afford to spring for the nice salsa a few times.


Fred Pompano

U.S. Life Expectancy Falls For First Time In 23 Years

The average U.S. life expectancy decreased this year for the first time since 1993, falling from 76.5 to 76.3 for men and 81.3 to 81.2 for women. What do you think?

Nice. Now I've got 73 days' worth of retirement savings just burning a hole in my pocket!


Tom Coolidge

Everyone should remember that this is just an average. Individually, you still have a really good chance of dying years before you'd expect.


Patty Lovell

This could be the wake-up call Americans need in order to start chewing their food thoroughly.


Wes Connolly

Trump To Use Twitter For Major Policy Announcements

Incoming White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced that Donald Trump will continue to eschew mainstream media and instead use Twitter to make major policy announcements during his presidency. What do you think?


Denise Graham

Aside from the constant vague threats to his enemies within the entertainment industry, Trump's approach is exactly like FDR's fireside chats.


Harry Goldberg

Well, If I wanted a conventional president, I would have gone out and voted for somebody.


Bart Schumacher

GOP Vote To Gut Ethics Panel Quickly Rescinded

House Republicans voted this week to gut the independent Office of Congressional Ethics and place it directly under their own control, but quickly pulled the measure after Trump condemned it on Twitter. What do you think?

Oh, I figured everyone would get behind a good gutting.


Marc Hanneman

We can trust our representatives to send themselves to jail when they deem it necessary.


Bailey Lerner

The first day back on the job can be rough.


Patty Grant

New Law Gives French Workers 'Right To Disconnect'

France will soon enact a law restricting large companies from requiring their workers to send or respond to emails outside of work hours. What do you think?

The French will never understand how great it is to be needed in the middle of night.


Andre Relan

My boss emailed us on Christmas Eve to clarify that we wouldn't be doing this.


Trent Lloyd

I'm glad our government can't force me to enjoy my time off.


Jill Reeves

Finland To Pay Citizens Basic Income

For the next two years, Finland's government will distribute a universal basic income to 2,000 citizens, allotting $590 per person each month regardless of employment status and then tracking the success of the program as a means of combating poverty. What do you think?


Sheldon Underwood

Finland To Pay Citizens Basic Income

Whoever the Finnish version of Ronald Reagan is must be spinning in his grave.


Aaron Hodges

Finland To Pay Citizens Basic Income

That's peanuts compared to what they'd be making as sailing instructors.


Josh Morse

Megyn Kelly Moves To NBC

Conservative news anchor Megyn Kelly has confirmed that after 12 years at Fox News, she will be moving to NBC to host a daytime talk show. What do you think?

Everyone in the industry knows NBC has the best dental.


Karina Mandel

Megyn Kelly Moves To NBC

You mean she's only got one week left to really rip into the mainstream media?


Howard Lowell

Megyn Kelly Moves To NBC

As long as Steve Doocy is still around, Fox News will be just fine.


Logan Fones

Dementia Risk Higher Near Busy Roads

A Canadian study tracked 2 million people and found that those who live on or near busy roads such as expressways have a significantly higher likelihood of developing dementia. What do you think?

This explains why people from isolated backwoods cabins are always so mentally stable.


Ernie Cattell

Dementia Risk Higher Near Busy Roads

Oh God, living in high-traffic areas runs in my family.


Janine Bates

Dementia Risk Higher Near Busy Roads

Just another reason my kids will one day appreciate me raising them out at sea.


Cora Schmeling

Hillary, Bill Clinton To Attend Inauguration

Aides for the Clintons have confirmed the couple will attend Donald Trump's inauguration. What do you think?


Hugh Wylde

This is just like when I had Rangers tickets no one would take off my hands, and I had to go or eat the cost.


Christian Patrella

Looks like Trump was finally able to get some celebrities to come!


Monique Lasser

Macy's Announces Store Closures, Layoffs

Following a sluggish holiday season and seven consecutive quarters of losses, Macy's plans to shutter 63 of their locations and lay off 10,000 workers this spring. What do you think?

That's my bad. I haven't bought a thing from any of those 63 locations in months.


Dominic Dyrda

Macy's was always my favorite department store to walk through on my way to Wetzel's Pretzels.


Keith Finnegan

I knew the heady thrill of shopping local would have consequences.


Dean Berry

Source Of Mysterious Space Radio Signals Found

Scientists have determined that a unique series of radio wave bursts detected since 2007 are coming from a dwarf galaxy 3 billion light years away, though the waves are not likely to signal alien activity. What do you think?


Karl McCluskey

Just to be safe, we should probably blast some radio signals toward them containing Q104.3's Two For Tuesday lineup as a peace offering.


Krista Moreland

It's humbling to learn that nothing is happening billions of light years away.


Ross Murrell

More Women Received Mammograms Under ACA

A new study found more women sought mammograms under Obamacare, likely because out-of-pocket expenses were eliminated by the program. What do you think?

I'm sick and tired of the unemployed sitting around all day getting mammograms.


Brent Powers

But is detecting cancer in its early stages and making a full recovery even worth it if you're just going to wind up living with a federal budget deficit?


Josie Lindford

Let's not make repealing Obamacare any more difficult for Republicans than it's already been.


Shaun Collins

David Blaine Accidentally Shoots Self During Trick

Illusionist David Blaine reportedly suffered minor gum and throat injuries while attempting a trick that involved shooting a gun into his face and catching the bullet in a metal cup behind his teeth. What do you think?


Serena Montoya

You can only shoot yourself so many times in the mouth before something bad happens.


Cameron Browning

We shouldn't allow magicians to have guns. They're powerful enough.


Betty Nalon

Tom Hiddleston Apologizes For Golden Globes Speech

After his Golden Globes acceptance speech was criticized for its latent insult to the people of South Sudan, actor Tom Hiddleston has publicly apologized, saying he meant to praise rather than marginalize them. What do you think?

Okay, now it's the South Sudanese people's turn to apologize.


Justin Potacki

I didn't watch, but I'll start hating him if you tell me to.


Richie Greene

This is what we get for demanding that performers improvise their speeches rather than preparing them beforehand.


Rory Martin

Trump Team Fires Inauguration Announcer

Charlie Brotman, the 89-year-old announcer of every presidential inauguration since Eisenhower, has been replaced by Trump volunteer Steven Ray as a show of appreciation for his contributions to the campaign. What do you think?


Keesha Lambert

Trump Team Fires Inauguration Announcer

I'm willing to see what new ideas an outsider can bring to this position.


Gil Hoffman

Trump Team Fires Inauguration Announcer

Having to announce the inauguration would be far more demoralizing.


Gordon Howell

Starbucks Ending Alcohol Service

After six years of attempting to grow their beer, wine, and small plates service into a popular after-work destination, Starbucks has announced the end of its Evenings program nationwide. What do you think?

Starbucks will hardly be the first place that's refused to serve me alcohol.


Lena Mayhew

Starbucks Ending Alcohol Service

Just when the term 'bartenderista' was getting big!


Robby Hacker

Starbucks Ending Alcohol Service

Hopefully they'll still keep a little rum next to the sugar and cream for morning commuters.


Ana Brevin

Chargers Announce Move To L.A.

The San Diego Chargers will soon relocate to Los Angeles as part of the same NFL deal that saw the St. Louis Rams move to L.A. last year. What do you think?

Think of all the A-list celebrities who will skip these games!


Todd Moyers

Chargers Announce Move To L.A.

If you told me a year ago that the Chargers would be moving to Los Angeles, I would have said 'okay.'


Brice Goodrich

Chargers Announce Move To L.A.

This puts an undue amount of pressure on the San Diego Zoo to perform.


Neal Dudley

Fox News Settles Harassment Suit Against Bill O'Reilly

Fox News has settled in a lawsuit brought by broadcaster Juliet Huddy against Bill O'Reilly for his alleged 2011 sexual harassment, the second set of such allegations publicly brought against O'Reilly after a 2004 lawsuit was similarly settled. What do you think?

It's good to see Fox News taking sexual harassment settlements seriously.


Rick Doogan

How do we know that she didn't intentionally lead him on by existing within his vicinity?


Grace Baumgarten

Think of how much money Fox could save if they just hired halfway decent people to work there.


Zach Teller

Majority Of Americans Lack $500 In Savings

A recent survey found that six in 10 Americans did not have savings of $500 in case of unforeseen expenses. What do you think?

I should be all right. I don't anticipate any unforeseen expenses.


Candy Westphal

What we Americans lack in savings we more than make up for in gusto!


Randall Murray

If any of them are like me, they have an extremely liquid Blu-ray collection.


Clive Simpson

Scientists Pinpoint Age Of Moon

Using rock samples collected by Apollo 14, scientists have pinpointed that the moon is 4.51 billion years old, hundreds of millions of years older than previously believed. What do you think?

Looks like I won my office betting pool!


Morty Scalen

Scientists Pinpoint Age Of Moon

I know you're just trying to cheer me up, but I'm still depressed about turning 50.


Jaycee Hennig

Scientists Pinpoint Age Of Moon


Glen Schafer

New Urine Test Can Determine Diet

Tracking the biological markers that result from digestion, a new test can detect a person's diet and eating habits from a sample of their urine. What do you think?

Seems like the field of medicine is always coming up with new reasons for me to urinate.


Will Biederman

New Urine Test Can Determine Diet

This is great. I would love to finally figure out what I've been eating!


Soledad Jones

New Urine Test Can Determine Diet

There's still plenty of other stuff I can lie to my doctor about.


Marc Hollings

Study: Lasers Turn Mice Into 'Killing Machines'

Researchers have found that by using lasers to signal the circuitry in a mouse's brain that controls predatory instincts, they can turn the mice into efficient, insatiable hunters. What do you think?

Hard to even imagine what they'll think of doing to mice next.


Gina Ruhl

I've often said we're living in the golden age of murder technology.


Amanda Fleming

Ringling Bros. Close After 146 Years

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey have announced they will shut down their circus this May after 146 years of performances. What do you think?

Yeah, public opinion is really shifting away from abuse in general.


Seth Beckett

Ringling Bros. Close After 146 Years

My kids will never know the joy of watching an elephant be tortured for their amusement.


Preston Hart

Ringling Bros. Close After 146 Years

What about the animal crackers? What about the goddamned crackers?!


Daisy Gordon

Springsteen Tribute Band Drops Out Of Inauguration

The B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen tribute band hired to perform at the inauguration this Friday, has canceled out of respect for Springsteen's feelings toward Donald Trump. What do you think?

Whoa, it's just like watching Springsteen cancel on Trump!


Martin Spinner

Anyone who remembers the B-Street Band's 1994 summer tour of the greater Newark area knows the band is no stranger to controversy.


Gil Cooley

It won't be long now before my ELO cover band is forced to take a side.


Cheri Locke

8 Men Own As Much Wealth As Half The World

Oxfam International reports that Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Mark Zuckerberg, Carlos Slim, Jeff Bezos, Amancio Ortega, Larry Ellison, and Michael Bloomberg have a collective net worth of $426 billion, as much as the world's poorest 3.6 billion people. What do you think?

That doesn't seem fair, but what do I know? I'm poor.


Arnold Massey

Are you suggesting that these men don't work 450 million times harder than everyone else?


Mick Wyndham

Let's just assume these poor people are all rich in spirit and call it even.


Chase Hakim

ACA Enrollment Highest In States That Voted Trump

Of the 6.4 million people who signed up for ACA coverage by the mid-December deadline, states with the highest levels of enrollment all voted for Trump in the 2016 election. What do you think?

Sure. If your candidate wins, you want to be alive to see what he does.


Ross Chivis

Just because you voted Trump doesn't mean you necessarily support the tentpole campaign promise he's pledged to follow through on for the past 19 months.


Nina Mendel

Sometimes you have to vote against your own interests if you want to vote against the interests of everyone else.


Hugh Laughtner

Primates Facing Extinction Crisis

A new study that tracked 500 species of primates found that 60 percent face extinction and three-quarters are on the decline due to poaching and deforestation. What do you think?

Don't look at me. I treat my orangutan like a queen.


Tom Willens

Primates Facing Extinction Crisis

It's sad, but what can we do? Just let all those forests sit there?


Laurel Krinke

Primates Facing Extinction Crisis

It's hard to get worked up about this when they're not even extinct yet.


Hank Schnurr

Paris Seeks Eiffel Tower Renovations

Paris mayor Anne Hidalgo is seeking a $318 million upgrade to the Eiffel Tower in anticipation of the city's 2024 Olympic bid, with proposed changes including an updated visitor entrance and increased security. What do you think?


Melinda Cason

Paris Seeks Eiffel Tower Renovations

But it already costs an arm and a leg to keep up the one in Vegas.


Teddy Young

Paris Seeks Eiffel Tower Renovations


Francis Lencioni

Obama Commutes 330 Sentences On Last Day In Office

On his final day as president, Barack Obama commuted the sentences of 330 prisoners, breaking the record for most commutations in a single day and ultimately commuting more sentences throughout his term than the last 13 presidents combined. What do you think?

My thoughts and prayers are with the private prison shareholders during this difficult time.


Nate Pound

And yet Charles Manson is left to languish.


Tara Hoagland

I knew there was a reason I was feeling less safe today.


Paul Fritz

McDonald's Unveils New Big Mac Sizes

In order to serve a wider range of appetites, McDonald's will offer two new sizes of its classic Big Mac sandwich, including the single-patty Mac Jr. and the larger Grand Mac. What do you think?


Gracie Filmore

McDonald's Unveils New Big Mac Sizes

I understand the larger Big Mac, but why the smaller one?


Henry Stoll

McDonald's Unveils New Big Mac Sizes

Sorry, but deciding how hungry I am is the sandwich's job.


Dale Worthen

Women's Marches See 2.9 Million Participants

The Women's March on Washington and its sister protests held on the first full day of Trump's presidency saw over 2.9 million participants in 673 marches across all 50 states and 32 nations worldwide. What do you think?

Those are numbers the GOP cannot and will ignore.


Vanessa Holder

It's truly inspiring to see so many Americans come together and engage in some light exercise.


Timothy Cox

I hope all those people turn out to vote in state and local elections so I don't have to.


Gladys Keane

El Chapo' Extradited To U.S.

Mexican drug lord Joaquin El Chapo Guzman, recaptured last year after having escaped prison and spent six months as a fugitive, has been extradited to an undisclosed location within the U.S., where he will eventually stand trial. What do you think?

I would really feel better if they disclosed his location.


Erik Helmich

El Chapo' Extradited To U.S.

Mexico knows that no one does solitary confinement like we do.


Devin Shanley

El Chapo' Extradited To U.S.

That's one hell of a way to cheat our immigration system.


Bradley Wendt

New 'Star Wars' Title Announced

The eighth episode of the Star Wars saga, slated for release this December, has been titled Star Wars: The Last Jedi. What do you think?

I had a feeling they were going to make another Star Wars movie!


Wendy Pashman

New 'Star Wars' Title Announced

At long last, we'll finally be able to rid the galaxy of this Jedi scum.


Ross Moon

New 'Star Wars' Title Announced

I guess 'A Dog's Purpose' was already taken.


Stacy Halperin

No CGI Carrie Fisher To Appear In New 'Star Wars'

Lucasfilm has confirmed that deceased actress Carrie Fisher will not be digitally added to the next Star Wars film despite the importance of General Leia Organa to the film's events. What do you think?

I suppose exploiting a beloved icon after their untimely death could come off as kind of tacky.


Brandt Woodley

Isn't having a digital rendering of your head overlaid on another actor's body the way everyone wants the world to remember them?


Peter Fitzpatrick

Okay, but there'd better be a wealth of not-so-subtle references to the pain of losing someone you love.


Jackie Cordova

1984' Tops Amazon Bestseller List

Due to a spike in demand, Penguin is printing 75,000 new copies of George Orwell's dystopian novel 1984, currently a bestseller on Amazon. What do you think?


Lionel Witt

1984' Tops Amazon Bestseller List

Hopefully Amazon can use its vast collection of my personal data to recommend other prescient dystopian novels.


Glenn Bingham

1984' Tops Amazon Bestseller List

Not sure if this is relevant, but Orwell also wrote a book about lying, narcissistic pigs.


Celeste Talko

Madonna Clarifies Statements Made At Women's March

Following backlash from GOP leaders, Madonna clarified she intended no harm by her statements at the Women's March on Washington in which she expressed thoughts about blowing up the White House. What do you think?

From material girl to violent separatist, Madonna is truly the queen of reinvention.


Clint Ingraham

This is almost as dangerous as when she incited millions of Americans to let their bodies move to the music.


Gene Fischer

It was a dumb thing to say in public. Pulling off a plan like that requires way more discretion.


Evan Gaynor

Mary Tyler Moore Dies

Iconic sitcom and film actress Mary Tyler Moore has passed away at age 80. What do you think?

I said it when 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show' first aired in 1970 and I'll say it one last time: America simply isn't ready for a female-driven sitcom.


Hayley Kingett

Mary Tyler Moore Dies

How could Dick Van Dyke outlive her when he's constantly tripping over his own furniture?


Pierce Stephens

Mary Tyler Moore Dies

She was great. It was Harvey Korman I couldn't stand.


Felix Dunham

Pediatricians Discourage Wearable 'Smart' Baby Monitors

Pediatricians are warning parents against smart baby monitor products like onesies that gauge vital signs and report them to parents' smartphones, as they are not yet approved by the FDA and can lead to overreaction and unnecessary medical testing on healthy babies. What do you think?

I don't know. I'm just more comfortable when my baby's hooked up to something.


Harvey Butterfield

What kind of terribly disaffected times are we living in when parents aren't simply standing over their children's cribs 24 hours a day?


Olivia Bednar

North Korean Defector Says Kim Jong-Un Won't Last

Thae Yong Ho, a North Korean official who defected in 2016, reports that the government is turning against leader Kim Jong-un and that reunification with South Korea could occur within five years. What do you think?

Sorry, but they might have missed the window of joining the outside world while it was a much better place.


Darren Wyckoff

Who am I going to believe, one petty defector or a man who can change the weather with his mind?


Ed Petrik

I thought the plan was to just let Kim Jong-un tire himself out.


Fred Homan

Mexican President Cancels Meeting With Trump

Facing domestic pressure after Trump signed an executive order to begin construction on a border wall, President Enrique Peña Nieto of Mexico announced he will not attend a scheduled meeting with Trump next week. What do you think?

Who does this guy think he is? The leader of a sovereign nation independent of the United States?


Nathaniel Borns

Nieto is nuts if he thinks the U.S. is going to pay for any cancellation fees associated with this trip.


Daniela Carrera

Don't worry. Having the other party cut off all communication after you insult them is just the fourth step in the art of the deal.


Gary Linden

Finland Aims To Be Tobacco-Free By 2020

The Finnish government has set an ambitious goal for less than 2 percent of its population to be consuming any form of tobacco, including e-cigarettes and smokeless products, by 2020. What do you think?

But smoking is an integral part of whatever I assume their culture is.


Nikki Messmer

Finland Aims To Be Tobacco-Free By 2020

They say there isn't any long-term harm if a nation quits smoking before it turns 200 years old.


Shaun McGill

Finland Aims To Be Tobacco-Free By 2020

Okay, Las Vegas is back to being first choice for my bachelor party.


Thad Easton

Serena Williams Breaks Grand Slam Record

With her Australian Open victory this weekend, Serena Williams has set a record of 23 Grand Slam wins in the Open era and broken her own record as oldest woman to win a major. What do you think?

I hope she climbs out of her rut soon and finds new interests.


Angela Murphy

She's an inspiration to all women who strive to hang incredible achievements over our sisters' heads.


Lucas Baier

Winning multiple Grand Slam titles is a great way to spend your thirties. I'm surprised I never thought of it.


Rodney Dolan

Study: Girls Internalize Gender Stereotypes By Age 6

A study of 400 students found that as early as age 6, girls begin to develop the perception that boys are smarter and more skilled than girls. What do you think?

Would marketing a line of pink calculators help?


Liam Jeffers

Well, I was already internalizing gender stereotypes at age 4.


Lauren Host

I regret helping my son with his diorama if it made anyone feel inadequate.


Toby West

Boy Scouts Reverse Stance On Transgender Members

After an 8-year-old boy was banned from his troop for being transgender, the Boy Scouts Of America has reversed its stance, deferring to the gender listed by an applicant instead of the one on their birth certificate. What do you think?

Now where will my boys learn to tie knots and be bigots?


Roger Baltz

I really try to be open-minded, but I just don't know how I'd feel if my child turned out to be a Boy Scout.


Deirdre Payne

The boy they banned must feel so welcomed now.


Karen Lowell

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo

Seven-year-old female bobcat Ollie has been missing since Monday morning after escaping the National Zoo through a hole in the mesh of her enclosure. What do you think?

Her exhibit was empty when I was there earlier, but I just assumed she died.


Johnny Mavis

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo

Poor animal must be terrified. I know firsthand how scary it is to be chased down by zoo personnel.


Tyler Bodkin

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo

Make sure they check all the sunbeams in the area.


Neil Fitch

Chemicals Found In Fast Food Packaging

Researchers have found that one-third of fast food packaging such as burger wrappers contains fluorinated chemicals, grease-repelling compounds that can harm the immune system and are even linked to cancer. What do you think?

Anything that touches a Guacamole Bacon Thickburger for long enough is bound to get some chemicals on it.


Paula Werther

Chemicals Found In Fast Food Packaging

Just to be safe, I'll go behind the counter and eat straight off the griddle from now on.


Dan Walters

Chemicals Found In Fast Food Packaging

This is the wake-up call I needed to stop eating burger wrappers.


Sebastian Rich

White Privilege' Essay Contest Sparks Backlash

A town in Connecticut that is 93 percent white has raised public outcry against a student essay contest that asks applicants to write about white privilege, a topic that some find inflammatory. What do you think?

Whoa, there's a town in Connecticut that's only 93 percent white?


Howie Tobin

When white people come together to speak out against being made uncomfortable, there's nothing they can't do.


Celeste Parks

Well, people tend to bristle at perceived threats to their deeply ingrained dominant social standing. There ought to be a term for that phenomenon.


Noel Shapley

Beyonce Pregnant With Twins

Beyonce and Jay Z are expecting twins, an announcement made via an Instagram post that quickly surpassed Selena Gomez's record for most-liked photo on the site. What do you think?

Did she clear this pregnancy with her publicist?


Bonnie Woodrow

Beyonce Pregnant With Twins

Imagine the look on those twins' faces when they realize they've been living inside Beyonce!


Luke Werner

Beyonce Pregnant With Twins

She won't hold that Instagram record for long. I'm about to post a picture of yesterday's sunset that'll blow everyone's minds.


Janey Wilson

Nordstrom Drops Ivanka Trump Brand

Due to lagging sales following a consumer boycott, Nordstrom has announced they will no longer sell the Ivanka Trump line of clothing and accessories. What do you think?

I'm glad the Trumps can now proceed without any conflicts of interest.


Cory Larren

Nordstrom Drops Ivanka Trump Brand

You can go after Trump's policy positions, his values, his widespread use of fearmongering—but when you attack a Trump-branded business, you've gone way too far.


Dick Petcoff

Nordstrom Drops Ivanka Trump Brand

At least she has the White House gift shop to carry her stuff.


Geraldine McShane

$500 Million Upgrade Planned For Willis Tower

Chicago city officials have unveiled plans for a $500 million upgrade of the Willis Tower, including 300,000 square feet of retail space and a 30,000-square-foot outdoor deck. What do you think?

These renovations are worthless if they still won't let you throw pennies off the top.


Moe Wellesley

Unbelievable. Chicago should be spending that money on 30,000-square-foot decks for our public schools!


Noah Lambert

I've always said the best parts of Chicago are all high above the ground.


Cheri Boscoe

Hillary Clinton Signs 2 Book Deals

Hillary Clinton has signed two book deals, a collection of personal essays and a children's illustrated version of her 1996 book It Takes A Village. What do you think?

Clinton is smart to try appealing to young people by repackaging a successful product from the '90s.


Harvey Kohler

Hillary Clinton Signs 2 Book Deals

What could she possibly have to say that could fill a book?


Saul Maloney

Hillary Clinton Signs 2 Book Deals

Finally, an opportunity for Americans to get to know Hillary Clinton.


Nic Pavelka

Patriots Win Super Bowl

After trailing the Atlanta Falcons for the entire game, the New England Patriots took the Super Bowl into its first-ever overtime and eked out a narrow victory against their opponents, the latter of whom have never won the championship. What do you think?

It's amazing what professional athletes can do!


Darien Hawke

Patriots Win Super Bowl

Victory is especially sweet when it's yanked away from those who've never tasted it.


Brenda Gann

Patriots Win Super Bowl

Whatever you think of Brady as a person, it's inspiring to see anyone achieve their life's dream over and over and over again.


Teddy Howell

Sanders, Cruz To Debate Obamacare

Tonight on CNN, senators Bernie Sanders and Ted Cruz will debate the issue of Obamacare, a system the GOP has vowed to repeal and replace. What do you think?

Wow, I never thought I'd get to see my two favorite senators together on stage!


Sally Bryant

Sanders, Cruz To Debate Obamacare

If only they were willing to meet in the middle, we could have high premiums and no coverage for preexisting conditions.


Robbie Hennessy

Sanders, Cruz To Debate Obamacare

It's honestly pretty flattering to have these two guys debate whether I should live or die.


Charity Mullen

March For Science' Planned For Earth Day

On April 22, scientists will march on Washington in support of open research and funding, an event intended to protest the Trump administration's gag rule on government researchers. What do you think?

A scientific appeal to reason and logic is exactly what'll get Trump to change his mind.


Barry Haugh

These people should stop protesting and get back to whatever remains of their jobs.


Gordon West

Their signs will be way too complicated.


Catelyn Boyers

Betsy DeVos Confirmed As Education Secretary

With Mike Pence casting a tie-breaking Senate vote, Betsy DeVos has been confirmed as the 11th U.S. Secretary of Education. What do you think?

Maybe we should give her a chance to mangle public education for a generation of Americans before we rush to judgement.


Gerald Furley

I've always said the best way to learn a new skill is to immediately practice it at the most advanced level.


Fred Winston

It's time to face up to a possible future in which Americans are not all that intelligent.


Keith Labahn

Uber Developing Flying Cars

Uber has hired a NASA engineer to lead their Uber Elevate division, which aims to build flying commuter cars that take off and land at strategically placed vertiports. What do you think?

That sounds like the natural next step for a company that has spent six years as an unlicensed cab service.


Sarajane Nichols

Uber Developing Flying Cars

I've always wanted to ride in an Uber with no way to escape my driver except the dark night sky beneath me.


Mort Levin

Uber Developing Flying Cars

The real money is in cars that can burrow beneath Earth's rocky mantle.


Connor Lincoln

Twitter Earnings Continue To Fall

Twitter has posted losses of $167 million in the fourth quarter of 2016, a period during which losses were $90 million the previous year. What do you think?

I don't understand this. Harassing women and minorities has never been more in vogue.


Owen Cartwright

Twitter Earnings Continue To Fall

Would it help if we got this story trending?


Ava Riley

Twitter Earnings Continue To Fall

Well, sometimes you've gotta hemorrhage money to make money.


Rhonda Mathis

25% Of U.S. Adults Suffer Hearing Loss

The CDC reports that a quarter of U.S. adults aged 20 to 69, or 40 million people, have some hearing loss due to noise exposure, such as from listening to music too loudly. What do you think?

Eh, by this point I've already heard all the best stuff.


James Hundley

25% Of U.S. Adults Suffer Hearing Loss

But what we lose in hearing, we gain in eyesight, right?


Nico Loren

25% Of U.S. Adults Suffer Hearing Loss

I have hearing damage from the cotton swab I jammed in my ear, but I let people believe it's from loud music.


Ethan Barrett

Heavy Lifting Could Affect Fertility

A new study found that regular heavy lifting and working during antisocial hours such as night shifts could lower a woman's fertility. What do you think?

Fair enough. I'll wait until my wife is pregnant to have her help me move the fridge.


Libby Sharpe

Heavy Lifting Could Affect Fertility

The variety of birth control methods available to women today is incredible.


Jakob Gale

Heavy Lifting Could Affect Fertility

What a shame. Heavy lifting is one of the greatest joys a woman can experience.


Chandler Baird

George And Amal Clooney Expecting Twins

CBS anchor Julie Chen reports that George and Amal Clooney are expecting twins, due this summer. What do you think?

Are you sure? I was just at Target, and there's no registry listed for them.


Vicky Reisen

George And Amal Clooney Expecting Twins

I can't wait to force those children to grow up before my eyes!


Ron Weiss

George And Amal Clooney Expecting Twins

Ah, what the hell. The world could use a few more Clooneys.


Molly Steffens

Vizio Charged With Tracking TV Viewers

Television company Vizio settled with the FTC for $2.2 million this week after it was revealed that they had been monitoring the viewing habits of their customers for two years without consent. What do you think?

But can they hear my excellent commentary?


Henry Moran

Vizio Charged With Tracking TV Viewers

I'll take my share of the settlement in the form of new nature channels.


Gil Whitcomb

Vizio Charged With Tracking TV Viewers

On behalf of paranoid schizophrenics everywhere, we told you this years ago.


Gary Stobe

Scientists Developing Pollinating 'Bee Drones'

In response to the global die-off of the crucial bee population, scientists in Japan have developed drones that can simulate the bees' pickup and dropoff of pollen on different plants. What do you think?

We can't let automation decimate these small town bee colonies!


Samantha Wellen

That's good for horticulture, but those of us who are allergic to rotor blade nicks have to watch out.


Dale Thicke

I was hoping that bees would be the one thing robots didn't replace.


Chet Nyland

Michael Flynn Resigns

National security adviser Michael Flynn has resigned from his post after it was discovered that he held discussions with Russian officials that left him vulnerable to blackmail. What do you think?

Oh yeah, some of my friends at Mar-a-Lago mentioned that would be going down soon.


Goldie Harper

Michael Flynn Resigns

I'm confident that this will remain an isolated incident of Trump administration officials being held accountable.


Ron Bogart

Michael Flynn Resigns


Fiona Ludlow

America Celebrates Valentine's Day

Across the nation, Americans are finding unique ways to express their love for their significant others. How will you celebrate Valentine's Day?

A 12-pack of Mike's Hard and a few classic TED Talks.


Rich Dessen

America Celebrates Valentine's Day

My girlfriend and I are going to get back to basics by slaughtering some Christians.


Roy Waugh

America Celebrates Valentine's Day

I don't know. I'll probably get married, I guess.


Rodney Long

German Shepherd Wins Best In Show At Westminster

Rumor, a German shepherd from Wisconsin, has won the Westminster Dog Show's top prize, only the second of her breed to win throughout the show's 140-year history. What do you think?

And someone presumably said it couldn't be done.


Rick Baskett

It's so inspiring to see a lifetime of being a dog pay off!


Patricia Langham

I know a Norwegian elkhound who's going to need a few extra belly rubs tonight.


Mandy Seifer

Scientists Propose Rebuilding Arctic Ice

Arizona State University scientists have proposed a $500 billion plan to install millions of mechanical pumps in the Arctic Ocean that draw up water and spill it onto polar ice to freeze, growing the total ice surface. What do you think?

See? This is the kind of research we get when we cut science funding.


James Koenig

We should spare no expense on any plan that lets us wait and see.


Brent Turner

Pouring water on everything is such an Arizona solution.


Phil Natoli

Scientists Approve Gene Editing In Embryos

A 21-member science policy committee has determined it is ethically sound to one day genetically edit human embryos, though only to prevent disease and disability when no reasonable alternative is available. What do you think?


Trish Decker

Good. I'm not gestating for 40 weeks only to be disappointed by some shitty hair color.


Landon Birch

I just want to give my children all the opportunities to be engineered that I never had.


Judy Eliot

American Girl Introduces Male Doll

For the first time in their 31-year history, American Girl is releasing a male American Boy doll named Logan Everett, a drummer from Nashville. What do you think?

No child of mine is going to play with a doll from Nashville.


Blake Gorland

American Girl Introduces Male Doll

I just hope this new doll continues the proud American Girl tradition of being cost prohibitive for most families.


Larry Crouch

American Girl Introduces Male Doll

It'll be nice to have a male doll instructing me to kill my loved ones for a change.


Cal Rixby

Love Actually' Sequel In The Works

To honor the charity event Red Nose Day this May, filmmaker Richard Curtis will produce a brief miniature sequel to his 2003 smash hit Love Actually, checking in on many of the original characters. What do you think?

As long as makeup artist Lorna McGowan is returning, this is a can't-miss!


Tanner Fowles

Love Actually' Sequel In The Works

I can't believe I spent 14 years on this script for nothing.


Cora Langley

Love Actually' Sequel In The Works


Jose Benson

Expiration Labels Get An Update

The Grocery Manufacturers Association proposed changes to the often confusing expiration labels on food, suggesting a more universal system of use by for food that spoils, and best if used by for food that's simply fresher if consumed immediately. What do you think?

This wouldn't be an issue if everyone sipped straight from the cow like me.


Roy Weller

Expiration Labels Get An Update

They have a long way to go to contrive labels that don't confuse American consumers.


Sloane Hennig

Expiration Labels Get An Update


Sheldon Fitch

Milo Yiannopoulos' Book Canceled

Publisher Simon & Schuster has canceled their $250,000 book deal with Milo Yiannopoulos after recent interviews in which the right-wing extremist condemned age of consent laws. What do you think?

But the First Amendment specifically protects citizens' right to profit from transphobic rhetoric.


Caleb Biederman

Milo Yiannopoulos' Book Canceled

It's best that Simon & Schuster, esteemed publisher of Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Donald Trump, not risk their reputation.


Darla Haugh

Milo Yiannopoulos' Book Canceled

I still plan to move forward with my trenchant tweet about him.


Herb Gurnell

Legalizing Gay Marriage Lowers Teen Suicide

A new study found that in states whose laws changed to allow same-sex marriage from 1999-2015, the suicide rate among gay teens decreased by an average of 14 percent. What do you think?

It does feel like there are more teens around than usual.


Darrell Hopkins

We can't just start passing laws based on how much they improve the survival rates of our citizens.


Kirsten Strang

Tim and John's lovely wedding probably saved 10 lives all on its own.


Mike Slessers

Monopoly To Replace Thimble Piece

After crowdsourcing the question of which piece to replace in Monopoly, Hasbro confirmed that the thimble will soon be phased out in favor of one of 56 new options, including a hashtag and an emoji. What do you think?

Times change. Not everything can stay as relevant as a top hat.


Dottie D'Angelo

Monopoly To Replace Thimble Piece

So much for playing out my long-held fantasies of a lowly thimble rising up out of obscurity to corner the Atlantic City real estate market.


Jake Dingman

Monopoly To Replace Thimble Piece

I drink the delicious tears of the morons who voted to lose the wheelbarrow.


Bryce Ingersoll

Trump Rolls Back Transgender Protections

The Trump administration will lift Obama's protections of transgender students' right to use the bathroom of their choice, claiming these protections were never properly vetted. What do you think?

Using the bathroom at the same time as a transgender person has always been my worst fear since four months ago when people started discussing it inaccurately.


Stella Langer

Criticize it all you want, but it's executive orders like these that are going to save our government billions in the long term.


Aidan Benet

Huh. I always thought returning to the good old days would feel better than this.


Lynne Darcy

2016 Sees Record Number Of Female-Led Films

New data confirms that, of the top 100 films released in 2016, women starred in a record-high 29 percent of them, with more representation in ensemble casts and more speaking roles overall. What do you think?

It's just so encouraging to see that more studios are taking on the huge risk of hiring women.


Griff Bettner

All the more impressive since they make up, what, 18 percent of the population?


Roger Lubbock

Those kinds of movies just aren't for me.


Lou Mazzella

Study: Bees Capable Of Complex Learning

New research has provided astounding insight on the intelligence of bees, who can quickly learn to imitate and then improve upon tricks taught to them by scientists. What do you think?

Insects are the last kind of wildlife we want realizing their own potential.


Edward Rockmore

Study: Bees Capable Of Complex Learning

How else do you think they became the mascot for the Savannah College of Art and Design?


Catherine Crandall

Study: Bees Capable Of Complex Learning

Maybe they can assist scientists in solving the crisis of the disappearing bee population.


Jim MacGregor

Harvard Names Rihanna Humanitarian Of The Year

Pop singer Rihanna has been named Harvard's 2017 Humanitarian Of The Year in recognition of the oncology center she has built in her native Barbados. What do you think?

For once I wish being a humanitarian would lead to a multiplatinum music career instead of the other way around.


Nico Hamlin

Do you think she'll build another oncology center live at the ceremony?


Delaney Mullen

George Clooney can't do it all, you know.


Georgia Goodwin

Moonlight' Named Best Picture After Mishap

After Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were handed the wrong Oscars envelope and announced La La Land as Best Picture, the Academy rushed to correct the mistake and clarified that Moonlight had in fact won the evening's highest honor. What do you think?

Good thing I had congratulatory sheet cakes prepped for both scenarios.


Lester Fox

I know exactly how they feel. For a minute there, I thought I'd won 20 bucks in my office's Oscar pool.


Chet Menchey

God, I haven't had this much fun ripping on Warren Beatty since Ishtar.


Zachary Carow

Sweden Seeking 'Sex Break' During Workday

A Swedish councilman is advocating for a one-hour break during the workday for employees to go home and have sex with their partners, a plan to reduce stress and improve work-life balance. What do you think?

They already get hundreds of days of parental leave, sick days, and vacations. Give them a little time away from home, for God's sake.


Megan Foley

Can we please not talk about other countries improving right now?


Rick Chandler

American workplaces should consider giving their employees breaks to have sex with Swedish people too.


Bart Neilan

Chicago Sets Warm Winter Record

The National Weather Service confirms that for the first time since recordkeeping began 146 years ago, Chicago will go the entire months of January and February without any snow on the ground. What do you think?

Hey, if climate change means milder winters and absolutely nothing else, then sign me up!


Celeste Palmer

Chicago Sets Warm Winter Record

First people complain about too much snow, now they're complaining that the earth will soon be uninhabitable.


Ken Stanton

Chicago Sets Warm Winter Record

There isn't a more horrifying consequence of global warming than a Chicago man wearing shorts in February.


Seb Cooley

Trump To Skip Correspondents' Dinner

President Trump has confirmed he will not attend the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner, the first president to decline since Ronald Reagan in 1981, who was recovering from an assassination attempt. What do you think?


Brian Wedel

Trump To Skip Correspondents' Dinner

Why anyone would turn down an opportunity to pal around with Wolf Blitzer, I'll never understand.


Dolly Morris

Trump To Skip Correspondents' Dinner

Looks like late night TV hosts will just have to find some other outlet for mocking Trump.


Geoff Haim

Barack, Michelle Obama Get Book Deals

The former president and first lady have each signed book deals with Penguin Random House following a bidding war among publishers that reportedly reached heights of $60 million. What do you think?

I had hoped Michelle's next project would be adapting 'American Grown' for the big screen.


Tina Rickert

Barack, Michelle Obama Get Book Deals

I also miss the Obamas, but at some point, Penguin will need to accept that no amount of money can bring them back.


Howie Dern

Barack, Michelle Obama Get Book Deals

Just tell me what page the Bin Laden raid starts on.


Les Shipman

Bed Bugs Potentially Fatal

Though long considered a relatively benign threat, bed bugs recently proved fatal in the case of a 96-year-old Pennsylvania woman, who had sepsis following untreated bed bug bites. What do you think?

I housed them, I fed them, I gave them a place to sleep—this is how they repay me?


Gary Bednar

Bed Bugs Potentially Fatal

This is the wake-up call I needed to finally get around to dealing with the bed bugs all over my house.


Maureen Nalen

Bed Bugs Potentially Fatal

I always knew my mattress would double as my tomb.


Jessa Morgan

Colon Cancer On The Rise In Millennials

A new study confirms that while colon cancer deaths are declining overall, cases in patients born after 1990 are on the rise. What do you think?

This generation refuses to wait its turn for anything.


Erik Purcell

Colon Cancer On The Rise In Millennials

Hopefully they can squeeze in a couple months of chemo before being kicked off their parents' health insurance.


Eugene Flowers

Colon Cancer On The Rise In Millennials

And I thought I had nothing in common with them!


Ron Lowry

DNA Test Confirms Subway Chicken Only 50% Poultry

A DNA analysis found that only half the chicken in Subway's sandwiches is actually made of chicken, combined with a number of other fillers and industrial processing ingredients. What do you think?

Yeah, you have to remember to ask them to hold the industrial processing ingredients.


Jill Mason

Ew, gross. That's why I stick to whatever the salami's made out of.


Simon Hellenga

Study: Wild Elephants Only Sleep 2 Hours Per Night

Researchers have found that although elephants in captivity sleep four to six hours per day, in the wild they sleep only two hours a night. What do you think?


Carson Yates

Living in fear of being butchered for umbrella stands and billiard balls might make it hard to get your standard eight hours.


Bella Newport

Ugh, shut up about elephants already. We get it. They're perfect.


Ann Durst

Backstreet Boys Reunite For Las Vegas Residency

Twenty-four years after their founding, the Backstreet Boys have kicked off a 26-show Las Vegas residency, with all five original members playing through the band's biggest hits. What do you think?

It's every artist's dream to be an option between a trip to the buffet and the slots.


Cy Woods

This will make a great epilogue to my unauthorized biography!


Jeremy Newell

I hope they're doing it for love of the money.


Nicholas Ward

Social Media Linked To Increased Loneliness

A new study of people aged 19 to 32 found that those who use social media most often were also the ones who reported the most feelings of loneliness and isolation. What do you think?

Loneliness is just one of many ways LinkedIn makes me feel like shit.


Franklin Long

They're probably posting the wrong memes.


Colleen Cassidy

I don't know about that. Mark Zuckerberg seems pretty happy to me.


Trina Dunlop

Supreme Court: Juries Can Be Examined For Racism

The Supreme Court voted 5 to 3 today to lift the protection of secrecy around a trial jury if there are credible allegations that racism played into their verdict. What do you think?

We're one step closer to a world where we're all equally guilty!


Callum Bell

But examining racial biases is the exact sort of thing our justice system was set up to prevent.


Patrick Flint

Looks like some of the justices just watched that O.J. movie.


Jimmy Revnick

Trump Accuses Obama Of Wiretapping Him

After comparing the former president to Joseph McCarthy, Donald Trump is asking Congress to investigate whether Obama wiretapped phone lines at Trump Tower prior to Election Day. What do you think?

When will Trump finally get around to lying about the vital issues that directly impact the American people?


Emmy Gorsup

Trump Accuses Obama Of Wiretapping Him

That would explain why Obama seems to know so much about the intricacies of Trump's new job.


Bill Trumbull

Trump Accuses Obama Of Wiretapping Him

Yeah, my grandfather still blames everything on Obama, too.


Reggie Fitch

Day Without A Woman' Sees Thousands Leave Work

In alignment with International Women's Day, women across the country are participating in the Day Without A Woman demonstration, leaving work Wednesday to highlight the injustices faced by women worldwide. What do you think?

Are we sure there isn't a more convenient way to stand in solidarity with oppressed people?


Clarence Wolz

If women are so unsatisfied with the status quo, all they had to do was say so and wait patiently for men to get around to fixing it.


Caileen Dolan

I'm going to use this as an excuse to finally spend some time with my newborn baby.


Ray Burkiss

Odds Of 2016 Audit Hit 13-Year Low

The year 2016 saw the risk of being audited by the IRS fall to its lowest since 2003, with a 1 in 143 chance of being examined by the government. What do you think?

Oh no. There are currently 143 people in my pyramid scheme.


Sasha Terrell

Odds Of 2016 Audit Hit 13-Year Low

I still don't like those odds. I'm going to play it safe and continue evading taxes altogether.


Bob Paulsen

Odds Of 2016 Audit Hit 13-Year Low

Now you have me wishing I'd earned income this year.


Fiona Blomquist

St. Patrick's Day Parade Excludes LGBT Veterans

Politicians in Boston are boycotting this year's St. Patrick's Day parade after organizers refused to allow a group of LGBT veterans to participate because their banner too prominently displayed the rainbow flag. What do you think?

A St. Patrick's Day parade is no place for rainbow imagery.


Cecil Richmond

Anyone who knows the legend of St. Patrick understands the entire holiday is rooted in banishing those you fear.


Darren Strovsky

I don't mind keeping America safe at home and abroad, but do they have to be all in my face with it?


Harry Bularzik

Americans Having Less Sex Than In Previous Decades

A new study in Archives Of Sexual Behavior found that the rate at which Americans are having sex has steadily declined since the mid-1990s. What do you think?

Are we sure the data is accurate here? People always downplay the amount of sex they're having.


Tucker Hasse

Americans were also listening to The Goo Goo Dolls more often in the mid-1990s. This can't be a coincidence.


Roz Markel

Secret Facebook Group Posts Nude Photos Of Female Marines

Though the authorities have tried to disband it, a secret Facebook group with 30,000 members is still sharing nude photos of female Marines, many of which were taken without the women's knowledge or consent. What do you think?

At the very least, we'd better get an NCIS episode out of this.


Chuck Dennings

Look, sometimes in the fog of peacetime you commit unspeakable acts of privacy violation against your fellow soldiers.


Jackson Holmes

I kept saying this would happen if we allowed men in the military.


Monte Glidden

Tax Increase Could Save U.S. Infrastructure

The American Society of Civil Engineers has released its latest report card giving U.S. infrastructure a grade of D-plus, suggesting that a tax increase might be the only way to fund the $4.59 trillion needed for repairs. What do you think?

Why should I have to pay for someone else not to die in a train derailment that probably won't even affect me?


Thad Lowry

A tax increase isn't necessary. Everyone knows you just have to avoid driving through tunnels and stick to only crossing the good bridge.


Monica Deng

Potholes are so great at startling me awake on the road, I'd rather they stay.


Stanley Byrd

Oil Discovered In Alaska

Approximately 1.2 billion barrels of oil have been discovered in Alaska, the biggest onshore find in the U.S. in 30 years and a welcome relief to the state's recent budgetary strains. What do you think?

It's high time that moose-infested hellhole started earning its keep.


Jessa Meier

Oil Discovered In Alaska

How will we ever end our dependence on oil if the earth itself keeps enabling us?


Callum Short

Oil Discovered In Alaska

If only there were some sort of energy source that we didn't have to rely on chance to keep acquiring.


Ray Singer

Henry VIII's Castle For Sale

Thornbury Castle, built in the 15th century and used by Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn for several nights on their honeymoon, is on the market for £8.5 million. What do you think?


Ellie Doyle

Henry VIII's Castle For Sale

It won't be on the market for long. I'm sure I'm far from the only one who finds the saga of a mostly infertile tyrannical ruling family hopelessly romantic.


Carl Drummond

Henry VIII's Castle For Sale


Don Kinzell

24 Million Would Lose Coverage Under GOP Health Plan

The Congressional Budget Office has estimated that under the newly proposed American Health Care Act, 24 million people would lose their coverage by 2026. What do you think?

I hated carrying around that little plastic card anyway.


Noah Leavitt

Oh, come on, 2026 is nine years from now. That's plenty of time for people to get their affairs in order.


Anjali Moore

It'll be interesting to see how the Democratic Party's leadership can squander 24 million surefire votes by 2020.


Lola Fadero

Trump In Possible Trouble For Tweets

The House Oversight Committee has found that Trump's deleting and revising of his tweets could be in violation of the Presidential Records Act, which dictates specific protocols for archiving any statement made by a sitting president. What do you think?


Damien Landry

Trump In Possible Trouble For Tweets

No one escapes the long arm of the Presidential Records Act.


Kirk Hoppel

Trump In Possible Trouble For Tweets

In his defense, autocorrect doesn't work when you're typing in all caps.


Emmett Parks

Infant Injuries On The Rise

An analysis of emergency department data found that from 2003 to 2011, the number of infant injuries due to cribs, strollers, and carriers rose 23.7 percent. What do you think?

If a child's not responsible enough to read the manual for their stroller before using it, they probably don't deserve one.


Roland Baltz

Infant Injuries On The Rise

It's every parent's nightmare to watch their infant break a brand-new high chair that cost $100.


Bella Gorner

Infant Injuries On The Rise

This is why I don't let my baby sleep in a crib or anywhere else.


Seth Randall

Matrix' Reboot In The Works

Warner Brothers is reportedly in talks to reboot the 1999 hit The Matrix. What do you think?

Is no dystopian karate cyberpunk classic sacred anymore?


Erica Laffley

Matrix' Reboot In The Works

Cool. It's been years since I've been disappointed by a Matrix film.


Dean Share

Matrix' Reboot In The Works

I'd love to see them try to find another actor who can deliver the line 'I know kung fu' as flawlessly as Keanu.


Shauna Moller

Ivana Trump To Publish Memoir

Donald Trump's first wife will release a memoir this September called Raising Trump that will include anecdotes from when Donald Jr., Eric, and Ivanka were children. What do you think?

It must have been a hard book to write while constantly referring back to the nondisclosure agreement.


Reid McEnroe

Ivana Trump To Publish Memoir

Finally someone in that family is willing to speak up and be heard.


Jimmy Reading

Ivana Trump To Publish Memoir

Between this book, Ivanka's forthcoming book, and the president's inevitable memoir, it's never been a better time to be a ghostwriter.


Nora Albert

E-Book Sales Fall In Favor Of Print

The years 2015 and 2016 saw a distinct decline in e-book sales, while sales of physical books have risen steadily. What do you think?

Have you fools forgotten about papercuts so quickly?


Dennis Lulan

E-Book Sales Fall In Favor Of Print

It doesn't matter how you read the Unabomber's manifesto as long as you're reading it.


Pete LaRusso

E-Book Sales Fall In Favor Of Print

It would seem that old Gutenberg wasn't such a crackpot after all.


Denny Robertson

Oceans Must Be Cooled To Protect Coral Reef

A new analysis of Australia's Great Barrier Reef has found that the only way to prevent mass coral die-off is for the global temperature to hold steady or grow cooler. What do you think?

You know that if the roles were reversed, coral wouldn't give a shit about us.


Lola Schmedding

We need to take care of things on this planet before we start worrying about faraway places like the ocean.


Alexander Poland

That's a lot of refrigerators to dump in the ocean, but I'm determined to do my part.


Todd Hillebrandt

Study: Climate Shaped Human Noses

New research has confirmed that different human nose shapes evolved based on climate, with wider nostrils benefiting those in hot, humid areas and narrower nostrils evolving to adapt to cold surroundings. What do you think?

I can't wait to see what global warming does to my face!


William Rosenblum

Study: Climate Shaped Human Noses

We're still totally in the dark when it comes to ear size though, right?


Joy Binder

Study: Climate Shaped Human Noses

This shape can be attributed solely to Dr. Liebowitz.


Tricia Sniffen

Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000

At a recent charity event in Dubai, a burger containing seven beef patties, aged cheddar, and veal bacon strips on a saffron brioche bun was auctioned off for $10,000. What do you think?

How can a $10,000 burger not include mushrooms?


Gordy Welter

Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000

This guy got ripped off. Jack In The Box just sold me four hamburgers, nine tacos, and a gallon of Sprite for $6.50.


Dominic D'Amico

Burger Sold At Auction For $10,000

I'd rather eat $10,000 worth of normal burgers, thank you very much.


Effie Binder

Oxford Comma Wins Court Case For Workers

Maine dairy workers argued in a recent lawsuit that the lack of an Oxford comma in their contract rendered its overtime exemptions too vague and that they were thus eligible for overtime wages, an argument that won them the case. What do you think?

What, now you've got to follow grammar rules to exploit your workforce?


Noel Dierks

If we don't demarcate penultimate items in a list from their coordinating conjunctions, just what separates man from the beasts?


Hugh O'Malley

This is why I always check the restraining orders I'm issued for any invalidating punctuation.


Caroline Hanneman

Norway Ranked Happiest Nation On Earth

According to the United Nations' latest World Happiness Report, Norway has overtaken Denmark for the top spot, followed closely by Iceland, Switzerland, and Finland. What do you think?

Well, sure. They've got all those fjords.


Bernard Simons

Norway Ranked Happiest Nation On Earth

The U.S. is 14th? That's way better than our rankings in math and science!