Bruce Pierre

Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading

As with all of his predicaments, Mark Cuban will find some way to yell at an official for this.


Jeff Vlasak

Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is being sued by the Securities and Exchange Commission for selling his interest in Mamma.com after receiving information that had not yet been made public. What do you think?

Hey, sometimes you've got to break a few SEC rules to do whatever it is that Mark Cuban does all day.


Alexander Creighton

Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished

Despite his support of Sen. John McCain's presidential bid, the Democratic Caucus voted to let Sen. Joe Lieberman keep his position chairing the Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee. What do you think?

Well, he didn't go completely unpunished. He did agree to let every Democratic senator peg him in the back with a racquetball.


Lars Hoilland

Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished

Obama just wanted to send the strongest possible message that he believes in reconciliation and bipartisanship, and he did so by reaching out to one of the most annoying, sanctimonious, uncharismatic, and contrary members of Congress.


Mala Hertz

Dems Leave Lieberman Unpunished

Much like a fine yogurt, legislative bodies do better when you add some of the old, crusty culture that stuck to the last jar.


Caroline Wenders

Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount

The Consumer Price Index fell a record 1 percent in October, the steepest one month decline in its history. What do you think?

America's having a 1 percent off sale? Sweet!


Greg Trout

Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount

Hey, no one understands that better than me, except for economists, other financial experts, and pretty much anyone else who went to college.


Jeremy Edelston

Consumer Prices Fall Record Amount

Inflation is bad. Deflation is bad. Is there a direction prices can move in that will leave the economy substantially less fucked?


Thomas Belew

Jobless Claims At 16-Year High

The number of new applicants for unemployment benefits jumped to 542,000, the highest since 1992. What do you think?

I hope the problem does not reach previously unscathed sectors, such as the sixth floor of the Thompson Center, cubicle 17.


Laura Fripp

Jobless Claims At 16-Year High

It's not that bad. That spike just represents the new applicants. Some of those claims will doubtless get turned down.


Paul Mastelotto

Jobless Claims At 16-Year High

Does that mean the unemployment office is hiring to help process the claims?


Marlon Ratliff

Sword-Wielding Man Shot At Scientology Building

A security guard shot and killed a man who approached the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood waving two samurai swords. What do you think?

I hear the Samurai Celebrity Centre next door was none too pleased.


Heather Hickman

I don't understand. Who wants to meet Kirstie Alley that badly?


Walter Santrello

What an outlandish and wildly far-fetched story. Of course, as a Scientologist myself, I naturally believe every word of it without question.


Li Knutsen

Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes'

Alan Colmes, the longtime liberal cohost of the Fox News program Hannity & Colmes, will leave at the end of the year. What do you think?

Man, I don't know what Hannity will do without his intern.


John Ashford

Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes'

This will allow Alan more time to concentrate on his substitute teaching career.


Brandon Rautenberg

Colmes Leaves 'Hannity & Colmes'

Colmes was too liberal for me with all his moderate views and support of Rudy Giuliani and such. Good riddance to that leftie wing nut.


Ike Monroe

Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving

What are you thankful for this year?

This interview. I haven't spoken with another human in three and a half years.


Bill Sriskandarajah

Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving

What are you thankful for this year?

The tangible things I own that are of actual monetary value.


Theresa Pittman

Americans Thankful This Thanksgiving

What are you thankful for this year?

I am thankful for my health. Ah! I just fell in a vat of acid.


Katie Burns

New Genetic Links To Baldness Found

A new report in the journal Nature Genetics points to genetic markers for baldness that could be screened for. What do you think?

One day, perhaps in the near future, we'll be able to tell just by DNA testing who is bald.


Chuck Dannan

New Genetic Links To Baldness Found

These doctors are always one step ahead. Like when I think of curing cancer, they've already moved on to male pattern baldness.


Peter Doan

New Genetic Links To Baldness Found

Too bad they didn't discover this before my dad died. That could have significantly reduced the snickering heard as friends and relatives passed the open casket.


Charlie Wellington

Junk E-Mail Falls By Two-Thirds

The amount of spam sent and received dropped last week to 60 billion messages a day—a decrease of 66 percent—after a Web hosting company called McColo was cut off from the Internet. What do you think?

I hate spam almost as much as I hate my insufficient love muscle.


Laurell Huston

Junk E-Mail Falls By Two-Thirds

Are you sure? Because the spam folder in my e-mail account says '(60,000,000,000)' next to it.


David Hamilton

Junk E-Mail Falls By Two-Thirds

Great, now there's going to be a Cialis salesman with very poor grammar at my door every day.


Rich Samuels

Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

For the first time since statistics on the disease have been tracked, the cancer rate in the United States has declined. What do you think?

I think we owe this in large part to many states banning cancer in bars and other public places.


Shana Young

Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

Cancer rates are going down? Great, I'll cancel my mammogram right now.


Paul Notarile

Cancer Rate Declines For First Time

This is really great news for our statisticians. You should have seen how depressed the place was when we got our 2008 rape numbers back.


Maria Flores

Recession Actually Started Last Year

The National Bureau of Economic Research announced that we are in an economic recession that began in December of last year. What do you think?


Will Fischer

Recession Actually Started Last Year

Wait, wait, say that again. I want to do the dramatic taking-off-my-glasses-while-saying-'My God' thing.


Charlie Koe

Recession Actually Started Last Year

Yeah, but when did the economy officially transition from recession to royal clusterfuck?


Milos Prockofijev

Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens

Three years late and nearly $360 million over budget, the Capitol Visitor Center is finally open in Washington, D.C. What do you think?

My family's so excited. We can't wait to ride the Supplemental Appropriator, catch a bite at Filibuster's, and have our picture taken with Peddly the Lobbyist.


Ben Lyman

Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens

Perhaps this can pave the way for other over-budgeted visitor centers at federal landmarks. I always thought the St. Louis Arch should have an underground visitor center directly beneath it that is shaped like a 600-foot-deep subterranean arch.


Karla Ayers

Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens

Oooo, I can't wait until it's closed for renovations.


Pamela Miya

Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company

The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled to death by a crowd of shoppers on Black Friday. What do you think?

All Macy's employees get guns, so we didn't have a problem. At least not that kind of problem.


Stephan Miner

In a tragic situation like this, it is very tempting to point fingers. A more productive solution, however, is to figure out a way to make that Wal-Mart store larger, so it is not as easy to be trampled.


Jonathan Rivieccio

I thought you couldn't put a value on human life. Turns out it's $457, the cost of a 32-inch Vizio HDTV.


Charlie Powell

Acorns Missing In Northeast

In states from Virginia to Maine, oak trees have failed to produce the usual abundance of acorns. What do you think?

Finally, the noble chestnut will get its due respect.


Wendy Thompson

Acorns Missing In Northeast

It's a sad day when I have nothing to write in my acorn diary.


Kevin Smerker

Acorns Missing In Northeast

It looks as though the revolt of the Maples as foretold by the bard Geddy Lee has finally come to pass.


Noel Hildebrant

'Bard' Captivates Potter Fans

J.K. Rowling's first post–Harry Potter book, The Tales Of Beedle The Bard, has become another bestseller for the author. What do you think?

I'd like to see her write about something other than wizards and warlocks. Maybe elves.


Angela Sabatke

'Bard' Captivates Potter Fans

I know, I've already read it! I thought the last tale, 'Lustoc The Mage Capitalizes On A Cultural Phenomenon,' was fantastic.


Wayne Kokkinos

'Bard' Captivates Potter Fans

Who cares about dumb wizards now? Twilight! Twilight! Twilight! Vampires! Vampires! Vampires!


Cathy Moorhead

Tribune Media Files For Bankruptcy

Tribune Media, the parent company of the Chicago Tribune, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Cubs, and many other organizations filed for bankruptcy Monday. What do you think?

I guess their strategy of benching Ronny Cedeno so he could write all the news didn't pan out.


Chris Bachmann

Tribune Media Files For Bankruptcy

Bank-ruptcy? I can't recall what that is. You must mean 'bailed out,' as that's what happens to failing companies nowadays.


David Price

Tribune Media Files For Bankruptcy

This wouldn't have happened if Americans hadn't bought those efficient little Japanese newspapers.


Ethan Strouth

Illinois Governor Arrested

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday on corruption charges stemming from an alleged conspiracy to sell or trade the Senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama. What do you think?

I was moved by the governor's heartfelt plea that he be given his fucking money back.


Denise Simmonds

Illinois Governor Arrested

I should have never had those 'Spitzer-Blagojevich 2012' lawn signs printed up back in February.


John Edwards

Illinois Governor Arrested

How much are Senate seats going for these days? I only paid $75,000 for mine back in '98.


Violet Secor

Amsterdam To Shutter Some Coffee Shops, Brothels

In an effort to stem organized crime, Amsterdam announced that it would be closing many of its brothels and marijuana-friendly cafes. What do you think?

Amsterdam will still have plenty of fun things to do. Like visit the Anne Frank House.


Curtis Dunford

I hope the government provides assistance to those who will be unemployed. Otherwise, some of them might be forced into a life of prostitution or drug-dealing.


David Damanskis

I guess I'll just have to stick to getting high and hiring prostitutes here in Ohio.


Sam Tagliapietra

Bettie Page Dead

Infamous '50s pinup icon Bettie Page died yesterday at the age of 85 from the complications of a heart attack. What do you think?

Who's the lucky guy who gets to embalm that broad?


Megan Young

Bettie Page Dead

Playboy owes her a debt of gratitude. As does Peep, Gander, Roving Eye, Look-See, Getta Loada Dose, Whoo Boy!, Ai-Ooooo-Ga!, Hotsy-Totsy, and Growwwl.


Marvin Barnett

Bettie Page Dead

Oh no. This is the first I've heard of it. I think that I will honor her by rubbing one out in the bathroom during my lunch break.


Angela Doughty

2008 In Review: World Affairs

One of the biggest challenges facing the incoming Obama administration is repairing the damage to our international image. What do you think?

Custom 'USA Cares' ballpoint pens are a great way to rebrand your country.


Darren Schlabowske

2008 In Review: World Affairs

Candy bombs! They're bombs filled with candy.


Xander Dear

2008 In Review: World Affairs

I love makeovers! Especially the before and after photos. Someone take a picture of America now, so we can compare it later. How fun!


Curtis Langford

The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Economy

The Dow Jones Industrial Average has fallen nearly 6,000 points since reaching its all-time high of more than 14,000 last year. What do you think?

I'm sure that'd be even more terrifying if I knew what the points represented.


Cindy Greenlagh

The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Economy

C'mon, I've seen this happen a thousand times. The stock market crashes, and then twenty years and a world war later, everything's fine.


Ryan Timms

The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Economy

This sounds like a perfect time to hatch my poorly conceived, undercapitalized business venture, so that when it fails I can blame the economy.


Tammy Hall

The Onion's 2008 In Review: Politics

In 2008, two Democratic governors, Eliot Spitzer of New York and Rod Blagojevich of Illinois, were disgraced by illegal activities. What do you think?

We should just be grateful that all of this happened at a state level. Can you imagine if one of our presidents had conducted himself in a disgraceful or illegal way?


Phil Kuenn

The Onion's 2008 In Review: Politics

Those crazy-ass governors. Thank God all those lieutenant governors are around to pick up the slack.


Emerson Rocchi

The Onion's 2008 In Review: Politics

Oh, sure, pick on the Democratic governors. What about all those people Arnold Schwarzenegger mercilessly mowed down before being crushed by a hydraulic press?


Pam Corina

The Onion's 2008 In Review: The Environment

The dramatic fall of oil prices to under $50 a barrel has silenced much of the talk of alternative energy and oil independence that was so prevalent over the summer. What do you think?

All my talking about maybe carpooling with someone—gone to waste.


Don Goulding

So does this mean that T. Boone Pickens can take his wind turbines and shove them up his big billionaire ass?


Kyp Honeyman

It's like I've always said: You can't huff sunshine.


Arvid Bell

The Onion's 2008 In Review: Entertainment

This year, tabloid mainstays like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton were largely out of the limelight. What do you think?

That is because the world had bigger things to deal with, like Miley Cyrus, and another Angelina Jolie baby.


Gene Edmonds

I'm glad the media finally heeded those poor girls' repeated pleas for privacy.


Kate Billey

I was hugely surprised by this, especially because we found out this year that Lindsay is a giant lesbian. Who doesn't like a cover story about a giant lesbian?


Mike Vinton

Testosterone Patch Revives Female Sex Drive

A study published in The New England Journal Of Medicine says that postmenopausal women experience an increase in libido with a testosterone patch. What do you think?

I'm skeptical. Does this really work better than half a glass of white zinfandel and a Robert Redford movie?


Margaret Lee

Testosterone will make me into a woman again? I thought this sweater with embroidered cats would.


Bobby Hirt

Why all this attention on women's sex drives? When will they come up with a pill that allows me to achieve and sustain an erection?


Oscar Hildebrandt

Franken Likely Winner

After nearly two months of recounts, Al Franken is the likely winner of the contested Minnesota Senate race. What do you think?

Wow, what an incredible turn of events this managed to be for him, Al Franken.


Lena Gochenauer

Franken Likely Winner

This bodes well for Sandler versus Brownback in 2010.


Mike Klein

Franken Likely Winner

When I volunteered to work on Election Day, I never thought it would lead to two months of incessant counting. I miss my family.


China Cracking Down On Digital Pornography

In order to "purify the Internet's cultural environment and protect the healthy development of minors

the Chinese government is targeting search engines like Google in order to restrict pornography. What do you think?"

Good for them. Besides, who needs pornography when you've got all the firecrackers and kung fu movies you can handle?


Rejoice as the Internetinary Peoples Unite for the Education of Correct Culture! Urge Successfully Against the Revisionist Winds of the Googlist Reactionaries!


Doesn't this go against Google's mission statement about 'Efficiently delivering porn to the Chinese'?


Jacob Metz

Bank CEO Requests No Bonus

Following five quarters of declining profit, Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis has requested that he and other senior executives receive no bonuses. What do you think?

Give him the bonus anyway! Why should he get what he wants after doing such a terrible job?


Mitch Severance

Bank CEO Requests No Bonus

You mean, no $25 Target gift certificates for them? That seems harsh. At my job, we get them every Christmas. I bought a sweet battery charger with mine, and almost had enough left over for a CD.


Jean Boon

Bank CEO Requests No Bonus

Bankers, man! It's gestures like this that remind you why you loved them in the first place.


Mary Casalle

Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks

In the face of the struggling economy, the annual Consumer Electronics Show is expected to have fewer participants. What do you think?

It probably doesn't help that Samsung's new prototype televisions are so flat that they slid under the door of the truck and smashed all over the highway while en route to Vegas.


Dan Mothersbaugh

Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks

I'll still get in line the night before and camp out, but that's only because I hate my kids.


Robert Freese

Consumer Electronics Show Shrinks

I don't think I can make it through a whole year without a new appliance that has a radio unnecessarily jammed into it somewhere.


Marty Grobe

California's IOU Tax Refunds

Unless it is able to overcome a budget shortfall by February, California may be mailing out IOUs instead of tax refunds this year. What do you think?

I hope they use the official state cocktail napkins.


Veronica Regan

California's IOU Tax Refunds

How did they end up in so much debt? Did Bolt 3-D really cost that much to make?


Jackson Onassis

California's IOU Tax Refunds

It's just like I say every time California gets hit by an earthquake or wildfires or any other calamity: God hates homosexuals.


Daryl McCarthy

Health Insurance Expensive For Unemployed

A report from the group Families USA says that the cost of maintaining health insurance for a family under COBRA consumes, on average, nearly 84 percent of a worker's unemployment benefits. What do you think?

What are all those people doing getting medical care in the first place? They should be out trying to find jobs.


Lori Connor

Sure I lost my job and my health insurance, but I also lost my will to live, so it doesn't really matter.


Josh Duncan

Fascinating. Say, that Families USA group wouldn't happen to be hiring, would they?


Li Huang

Winehouse, Husband Divorcing

Blake Fielder-Civil has filed for divorce, claiming wife Amy Winehouse has been unfaithful. What do you think?

First there's a terrorist hit out on her, and now she's getting divorced? For anyone other than Amy Winehouse, this week would be a personal low.


Steven Schramm

Winehouse, Husband Divorcing

I can see why she might want to stray. Her home life seemed so dull. She must have felt trapped, and bored.


Alexander O'Sullivan

Winehouse, Husband Divorcing

Infidelity? That seems like a rather pedestrian reason to divorce Amy Winehouse.


Brady Roren

Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker

Joe Straus, a Republican from San Antonio who has been elected speaker of the Texas House of Representatives, is the first Jew to hold the position since Texas became a state. What do you think?

Stupid, deceptively Christian-sounding surname. They should really list candidates' faiths on the ballot.


Ian Posdal

Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker

And people say we aren't progressive! Why just the other—quick! Look down. Here comes a black man.


Chloe Ballwahn

Texans Elect First Jewish Speaker

This is clear evidence that the dialectical nature of cultural politics eventually creates pathways for Jews to adapt to traditionally non-Semitic institutions. Y'all.


Annie King

Gannett Forces Employees To Take Unpaid Week Off

The Gannett Company, publisher of 85 daily newspapers across the United States, is making all its employees take a weeklong unpaid furlough to avoid layoffs. What do you think?

Oh, great, another week of newspaper reruns.


Gil Geraci

Please tell me Mitch Albom doesn't have to take a week off. Please. He's all I have.


Rex Kelley

Great. Let's just tell all the world leaders, terrorists, scientists, executives, artists, athletes, celebrities, and people of local interest to take the week off too, so we don't have to worry about missing any news. Although, that would kind of be a news story in itself. This is turning into quite a pickle.


Chris Holcomb

Obama To Close Guantanamo

President-elect Barack Obama is planning to issue an executive order to close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay on his first day in office. What do you think?

I thought he would spend his first day in the White House running around the place like John Goodman in King Ralph.


Pam Cannuccairi

Obama To Close Guantanamo

Is that really what he should be worrying about on his first day in a new house? Shouldn't he be looking over carpet swatches, or something?


Wesley Illades

Obama To Close Guantanamo

This move appears to be a dramatic break that contradicts and even invalidates much of the previous administration's foreign policy agenda.


Pete Rego

Democrats In Control

For the first time in 14 years, the Democrats have control of the White House and both houses of Congress. What do you think?

Those spend-happy Democrats are going to ruin this small-government, fiscally conservative utopia that Bush spent eight years crafting.


Susan Gibson

Democrats In Control

I've purposely avoided upward mobility and social progress for 20 years so I can benefit from all the free money I'll be getting.


Richard Feyen

Democrats In Control

Hooray! Hopefully they will clean up our world image, make the environment okay, and perfect our public schools by February. Then we can get some real work done!


Loretta Rinehart

More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

As more cases of peanut-butter-related salmonella pop up, more products are being recalled, including cookies, snack bars, and ice cream. What you think?

Finally, the day has come when I will no longer be ridiculed for eating a jelly and fish-paste sandwich.


Brian Hale

More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

So, am I sick because of the salmonella or because I just ate 5 pounds of Reese's Pieces?


Gregory Carpenter

More Peanut Butter Products Recalled

I hope they get this figured out soon so I can return to providing my child with lunch.


Mark Judson

New President, New Website

WhiteHouse.gov, the official website of the president and vice president, was relaunched Tuesday and includes links to Obama's weekly video address and a blog. What do you think?

I question the ethics of Rahm Emanuel's 'Blind D.C. Gossip Items' page, but it is pretty dishy.


Scott Carpenter

New President, New Website

I'm going to miss the 'Those Who Should Die' feature on the old site.


Kristina Keyton

New President, New Website

Finally, a president who understands technology. Oh, and human rights. And climate change, foreign policy, and the Constitution.


Paige Karenott

New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

A computer scan by Panda Security showed that almost 6 percent of Windows systems were infected with the Conficker/Downanup worm, which harvests passwords and makes them easier to hijack. What do you think?

Yes—another inadvertently downloaded virus thwarted by my inadvertently downloaded security patch.


Emil Baer

New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

I refuse to live in fear, so to hell with it, mine's 7845shuteye.


Matt Staffen

New Virus Infects One In 16 PCs

I'm flattered that some hacker out there thinks my password can't be guessed on the spot.


Scott Gallivan

Kennedy Removes Self From Senate Consideration

One day before New York governor David Patterson made his selection, Caroline Kennedy, the daughter of President John F. Kennedy, has withdrawn her bid to replace Hillary Clinton in the Senate. What do you think?

It's about time the Kennedy family's string of good luck ended.


Erin Phirman

I guess at this point she just goes back to being a Level Two Kennedy.


Cody Lofgren

That's all right, she's already done so much to help this country by having John F. Kennedy as a father.


Matt Feyen

Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident

Eight days after a 6-year-old boy was killed at a monster truck rally in Tacoma, WA, a promoter was struck and killed this weekend at a truck show in Wisconsin. What do you think?

You know, I'm not sure if the prospect of a grisly public death will increase or decrease turnout among monster truck fans.


Samantha Popma

Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident

Damn it, not again! If only there were some way to make them smaller.


Travis Karenot

Second Deadly Monster Truck Accident

There's no such thing as bad publicity. Unless you kill a kid. Shoot—that's some bad publicity right there.


Sher Chamberlain

55,000 Laid Off Monday

More than 55,000 Americans lost their jobs Monday, with companies such as Caterpillar, Sprint, and Home Depot each laying off several thousand workers. What do you think?

Is that the last of the jobs? I'm getting really tired of having to hear about layoffs all the time.


Brad Scharff

55,000 Laid Off Monday

Wait, people work at Home Depot? I've always just gone there, picked out what I needed, then bought it at the self-serve register. Are you sure you have the company name right?


Travis Brooks

55,000 Laid Off Monday

As a Sprint customer service rep, I react to the news with a mixture of passive-aggression and moderate contempt just short of outright rudeness, sir.


Chad Flaherty

Football Players Suffering Brain Damage

Doctors have found a type of brain damage usually associated with boxers in six NFL players who died at age 50 or younger. What do you think?

I've always said that players shouldn't be allowed onto the football field unless they've been doing rigorous exercises to toughen the brain.


Matt Pergament

Football Players Suffering Brain Damage

If I'd known professional football was so dangerous, I never would have let my son join the Atlanta Falcons.


Francis Judson

Football Players Suffering Brain Damage

Perhaps they should sign a waiver indicating they are willing to take the risk in exchange for, say, tens of millions of dollars.


Gina Lobell

Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?

Uh oh. Eight Aquariuses living under the same roof for the next 18 years—yikes.


Brent Kubesch

Octuplets Doing Well

So does that mean that one is gay, three are below the poverty line, three have a bachelor's or associate's degree, and two are divorced?


Michael Carpenter

Octuplets Doing Well

Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious! Aw, isn't that just precious!


Jerrod Kissin

Obama Decries Wall Street Bonuses

Last week, Barack Obama called Wall Street executives who awarded themselves $18.4 billion at the end of 2008 as "shameful."" What do you think?"

He was being presidential but I would have been fine with him calling them fucking assholes.


Gina Ahlquist

Obama Decries Wall Street Bonuses

Damn right it's shameful! These guys should hire some people to hang their heads in an act of contrition.


Jeffrey Brooks

Obama Decries Wall Street Bonuses

Unfortunately, as a corporate executive, I don't possess the emotional faculties required to empathize with other humans or to register this feeling you know as 'shame.'


Frank Watson

Daschle Paid $220,000 By Health Care Industry

President Obama's pick for secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Daschle, has received almost a quarter million dollars in speaking fees from various health care companies over the past two years. What do you think?

Daschle got screwed. Health insurance providers can afford a lot more than that.


Leslie Adelman

It's still not as bad as the $400,000 that Interior Secretary Ken Salazar has received from the geyser and hot springs lobby.


Rory Kasel

I don't think that would conflict with the traditional health secretary's role of failing to reform health care.


Erin Kopsak

Arizona Super Bowl Viewers Shown Pornography

Comcast cable subscribers in Tucson, AZ were surprised when a 30-second clip of a woman taking a man's erect penis out of his pants interrupted the final minutes of the Super Bowl. What do you think?

Oh, that was porn? I thought that was what was happening on the Kiss Cam.


Clay Yonda

That's strange. Up where I live, we just had the Penguin interrupt the broadcast and threaten to bring Gotham City to its knees if we didn't give him $10 million.


Albert Korein

That was the only part of the Super Bowl that I understood.


Chris Connor

Disney Fails To Meet Expectations

With no breakout hit and theme park attendance down, Walt Disney's fiscal first-quarter earnings were down 32 percent compared to the same period last year. What do you think?

How is that possible? I saw Bedtime Stories four times! That's like, $48!


Tom Salicrup

Disney Fails To Meet Expectations

Don't look at me. One of the first things I like to do during an economic downturn is pack my suitcase, get in the car, and drive to Epcot Center to see what the economy will be like in the future.


Andrea Cunningham

Disney Fails To Meet Expectations

Now I feel kind of bad for canceling our trip to Disney World so we could pay for food.


Alyssa Thornton

Most-Wanted Nazi Believed Dead In Cairo

News reports suggest Aribert Heim, a Nazi war criminal known as Dr. Death, died in Cairo in 1992. What do you think?

The infamous Nazi known as Dr. Death actually died in Cairo in 1992? I better go apologize to my neighbor.


Dave Blitz

Most-Wanted Nazi Believed Dead In Cairo

It's awfully ironic that a man known as Dr. Death would someday die himself.


Stefan Piskor

Most-Wanted Nazi Believed Dead In Cairo

Boiling skulls, injecting gasoline into hearts—you can see why he'd want to start over in a warm, dry climate.


Bob Flicksman

Digital TV Conversion Delayed

Congress voted to move the conversion to digital television from Feb. 17 to June 12 because of a shortage of government funding for coupons that help defray the cost of converter boxes. What do you think?

Thank God. This saves me weeks of recapping House episodes for my mother over the phone.


Jackie Ferarra

Digital TV Conversion Delayed

Great! I love watching those commercials with the old people explaining what digital cable is.


Dave Pittsley

Digital TV Conversion Delayed

As long as Congress approves another season of Lost.


Mel Dargan

134 Ice Fishermen Rescued

After the ice sheet they were fishing on broke away from the shore this weekend, 134 men had to be rescued by helicopter from Lake Erie. What do you think?

That's not fair. I live near Lake Erie and have been waiting for years to be rescued.


Catherine Ranney

134 Ice Fishermen Rescued

See, if that had been women ice-fishing instead of men, the testosterone levels involved with impulsive decision-making would not have prompted such an unwise choice. Also, women are fatter and thus more buoyant.


Joe Kring

134 Ice Fishermen Rescued


Andrea Upman

Marijuana Use Linked To Testicular Cancer

A study from the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle found that marijuana smokers had an increased risk of developing testicular cancer. What do you think?

I'm such a goody two-shoes. I just assumed that marijuana was smoked through the mouth.


Gregory Watson

And an increased chance of ordering extra cheese on that Papa John's pizza! I'm just kidding. This is a serious issue.


Brad Schmitt

I always try to make sure my testicles eat right and get plenty of exercise. But that's not because I smoke pot; it's because I drop lots of acid.


Casey Dinkelmann

Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover

The March issue of the fashion magazine Vogue will feature first lady Michelle Obama. What do you think?

It's about time Vogue put a woman on the cover.


Brad Robilotta

Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover

I'm going to buy it, but I'm not going to say why out of respect for the office of the presidency.


Lennon Martinson

Michelle Obama To Be On 'Vogue' Cover

Guess who's going to be on the cover of Logue? California assemblyman Dan Logue!


Karen Popma

Former eBay CEO Running For Governor

Meg Whitman, the former CEO of the auction website eBay, announced her 2010 bid for the governorship of California. What do you think?

What an inspiring tale of riches-to-power.


Michael Gallivan

Former eBay CEO Running For Governor

She won't be getting my vote: I bought an iPhone from eBay that turned out to be an iPhone box full of marbles.


Andy McPheron

Former eBay CEO Running For Governor

This would be a great idea if California were eBay.


Rob Richardson

Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets

After what appears to be a run on bullets, gun dealers in the state of Florida are experiencing an ammunition shortage. What do you think?

And to think that in the so-called 'developing' countries they have so many.


Nicole Kohlmann

Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets

What can I say, except that these are uncertain times? And uncertain times call for a lot of shooting.


Sean Parham

Florida Gun Sellers Short On Bullets

They should do what all the people in my state do—walk about completely unarmed. It's kind of crazy, but it works.


Darrell Malaga

Muzak Files For Bankruptcy

With a debt load between $100 million and $500 million, Muzak Holdings LLC, the company whose name is synonymous with elevator and on-hold music, has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. What do you think?

But they had such great hits like 'Boring Saxophone' and 'Sleepy Piano.'


Laura Shannon

Muzak Files For Bankruptcy

How could they fail? I've been tossing my spare change on the elevator floor for the past 20 years!


Kyle Sandoval

Muzak Files For Bankruptcy

Some people might see this as a bad thing, but I think we're about to enter a new golden age of humming.


Brody Nett

Nuclear Subs Collide

Two nuclear submarines, one French and one British, collided in the Atlantic earlier this month, raising safety concerns. What do you think?

Luckily, I heard the collision from a few feet away, which saved my nuclear sub from becoming part of a nasty pileup situation.


Lee Muller

Nuclear Subs Collide

I can see how it happened. That space in the Atlantic between North and South America and Europe and Africa is so tight that underwater vessels can just barely squeak past each other.


Stuckey Relyea

Nuclear Subs Collide

I've said it before and I'll say it again: No one can top Russia when it comes to tragic submarine accidents.


Kim Richter

Texas UFO Identified

An object that streaked dramatically across the Texas sky earlier this week was identified by the FAA as a meteor, not, as many had speculated, debris from a satellite collision. What do you think?

I saw that! I made a wish on it that I would be interviewed by a newspaper I'd never heard of!


Kelly Zeroth

Texas UFO Identified

Just in case, they should have teams across Texas yee-hawing and firing wildly into the air in around-the-clock shifts.


John Smith

Texas UFO Identified

Yes. Meteor. Of course that is what it can be, please. My name? John…Smith. I live in Earth.


Pricilla Schaefer

Octuplet's Domicile Threatened By Foreclosure

The home of Angela Suleman, mother to Nadya Suleman and grandmother to her 14 children, went into default earlier this month. What do you think?

It's okay. They can just live in her daughter's huge vagina.


Mario De La Rosa

I guess buying enough mints to have on hand for 14 grandkids could conceivably put you in the poorhouse.


Greg Rubin

With those greedy bankers ready to step in and seize their beloved grandmother's home, the only option left is a baby bikini car wash.


Ryan Santiago

Asian Man 'Randomly' Searched 21 Times

After having his bag searched 21 times on the New York subway, 32-year-old Jangir Sultan is suing the NYPD for racial profiling. What do you think?

I think he has a case considering he only rode the subway twice.


Kelly Pfluger

Asian Man 'Randomly' Searched 21 Times

Look, you either give up a few civil rights or you agree to live in a world where some guy tries to sell you a pirated copy of Body Of Lies.


Richard Tabora

Asian Man 'Randomly' Searched 21 Times

The NYPD probably just has a healthy curiosity about what Asian men carry in their bags.


James Varana

Arranged Marriage Reality Series In Production

CBS has picked up a reality show with the working title Arranged Marriage, a program in which contestants' spouses are selected by friends and family, and the married couples' lives are then filmed. What do you think?

That's disgusting. They are ruining the sanctity of reality TV shows.


Susan Feeny

They're ripping off that Indian show Marriage Based On Mutual Love And Respect.


Eric McElhaney

I don't get Hollywood. What's the difference between this show and my idea to push people out of planes?


Andrea Lingel

Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

A new study indicates that an increased level of serotonin—a chemical that can prevent depression in humans—causes locusts to swarm. What do you think?

It makes me so mad to think that those little bastards are probably enjoying the hell out of themselves as they destroy all my corn.


Justin Hall

Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

And all this time I thought locust plagues were sent by a vengeful and jealous God. Once again I have been delivered from the dark recesses of ignorance. Praise Jesus!


Erik Poole

Serotonin Makes Locusts Swarm

You know, this makes sense. My buddy Craig seems pretty happy, and he's always surrounded by thousands of locusts.


Mitch Daddato

Cleaner Air, Longer Life

An increase in American air quality over the last 20 years has led to an average life span increase of 21 weeks. What do you think?

Ha! In your face Dr. Biller! Looks like I've got 31 weeks left to live, not 10.


Carl Boucher

Cleaner Air, Longer Life

That's great news. Every moment on this earth is precious, and if you if live in the United States, it's like it counts double.


Susan Canfield

Cleaner Air, Longer Life

21 weeks? That's five months. That's almost half a year. Wow. Yeah, I guess I just don't really care about the environment.


Karen Bailey

Teen TV Habits Linked To Adult Depression

A study published in the Archives Of General Psychiatry found that teenagers who watch a lot of television are more likely to suffer depression as adults. What do you think?

So I did that wrong, too. Oh, God, I'll never be happy.


Pete McIntire

Yeah, but a lot of them would be dead already if they hadn't seen that very special episode of Full House about anorexia.


Louis DeVita

Doesn't everyone just sort of get depression as an adult?


Aaron Carpenter

Paul Harvey Dead At 90

Legendary radio broadcaster Paul Harvey died of undisclosed causes in Arizona on Saturday. What do you think?

My life won't be the same without him. Hell, it was Paul Harvey who turned me on to the potato.


Jane Martinson

Paul Harvey Dead At 90

Are the doctors positive this isn't just an exceptionally long pause in his delivery?


Adam Bateman

Paul Harvey Dead At 90

And that little boy, who grew up, did some things, and then died when he was 90 was…Paul Harvey.


Chris Feyen

iPhone App Usage Drops Off

A study has shown that less than 5 percent of consumers still use their free iPhone applications a month after downloading them. What do you think?

Yeah, I stopped using the 'Dial Phone Numbers and Talk' application like two days after getting it.


Katy Heller

iPhone App Usage Drops Off

If I were interested in anything free, I wouldn't have an iPhone.


Duane LaRocco

iPhone App Usage Drops Off

I got that Obama iFan app, but about a week ago I got really bored with Obama being president.


Becca Robinson

Jonas Brothers Film Underperforms

Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience opened this weekend with only $12.7 million at the box office, far less than analysts had expected. What do you think?

This isn't exactly the first time the Jonas Brothers have 'underperformed,' if you know what I'm saying. I had sex with the Jonas Brothers. Every last one!


Ian Killeen

Jonas Brothers Film Underperforms

They probably didn't extend their arms toward the camera enough. That's pretty much the main reason why people go see 3-D movies.


Ron Keefe

Jonas Brothers Film Underperforms

I was going to go. Then I remembered I was a middle-aged man crippled with responsibility.


August Szymkowicz

Students Warned About Mexico Travel

Due to escalating drug violence, the State Department is urging caution for college students traveling to Mexico for spring break. What do you think?

Don't they have that 'New Mexico' now? Maybe all the kids could go there.


Carla Ueltzen

Students Warned About Mexico Travel

But the border town of El Stabo has such cheap tequila shots.


Scott Banks

Students Warned About Mexico Travel

They should make sure to post those warnings on areas of the State Department website that students click on the most.


Merri Scholz

Convict Charged In Chandra Levy Murder

An imprisoned Salvadoran laborer has been arrested for the murder of Chandra Levy, the D.C. intern whose disappearance brought down the political career of California congressman Gary Condit. What do you think?

This is a nice consolation prize for Republicans: If they can't pin the murder on a Democratic congressman, the next best thing is to blame an immigrant.


Donald Natochenny

Convict Charged In Chandra Levy Murder

It makes me wonder if my Salvadoran gardener had anything to do with my hydrangeas dying.


Hal Nolet

Convict Charged In Chandra Levy Murder

Great, now how am I supposed to warn my daughters against having affairs with congressmen?


Bill Chambers

Anger Actually Can Kill

A study in the Journal Of The American College Of Cardiology says that anger and other strong emotions can trigger unhealthy irregular heart rhythms. What do you think?

But if it doesn't kill me, it only makes me stronger, right?


Gretchen Appel

Anger Actually Can Kill

Wow, that is really interesting. Wait, astonishment isn't one of the emotions they warned about, is it? Oh, no, what about curiosity? Or panic? Aghhh!


Reggie Taylor

Anger Actually Can Kill

If I were really mad, having a heart attack would just make me madder.


Kai Twiller

Beatles Edition Of Rock Band Coming Out

The Beatles: Rock Band is scheduled to hit shelves Sept. 9. What do you think?

Finally. I was going broke replacing my smashed instruments from playing the The Who: Rock Band.


Patti Wipprecht

Beatles Edition Of Rock Band Coming Out

I heard that after completing the game you and your friends never talk again.


Walter Holmes

Beatles Edition Of Rock Band Coming Out

Forget going to Best Buy on Sept. 9—there'll be hordes of screaming girls everywhere.


Mindy Kane

Obama Overturns Bush Stem Cell Policy

President Obama has lifted restrictions that prevented federal funding of labs using embryonic stem cells for research. What do you think?

I expected a higher moral standard from Obama, but it looks like he's just another pawn of the severed-spinal-cord lobby.


Kyle McConnell

Obama Overturns Bush Stem Cell Policy

I believe that embryos are humans, but fortunately I can't bring myself to care about people I don't know.


Miles Proctor

Obama Overturns Bush Stem Cell Policy

Yeah, I get it. Obama's the 'cool' president.


Timothy Peterson

Madoff Pleads Guilty To Fraud

Bernard Madoff, the money manager accused of running the largest Ponzi scheme in U.S. history, pleaded guilty to charges this morning in a New York court. What do you think?

I wouldn't be surprised if someone pays to have him revenge-embezzled in the yard.


Joel Watson

Madoff Pleads Guilty To Fraud

People are really going to be pissed when they find out that Bernard Madoff is just a Brooks Brothers suit stuffed with feathers.


Melody Tripp

Madoff Pleads Guilty To Fraud

With a 150-year prison sentence to serve, he's going to be in killer shape.


Karlen

Christian Salt Introduced

After reportedly tiring of hearing chefs on television recommend kosher salt, a retired barber has introduced Blessed Christians Salt, which is sea salt blessed by an Episcopal priest. What to you think?

Great, now I can go to hell for eating the wrong salt.


Cameron Benoy

Christian Salt Introduced

Blessed or not, I don't care. God made bland food for a reason.


Mike Prussman

Christian Salt Introduced

This just might pave the way for my Lutheran hot dogs.


Greg Asaro

Patrick Duffy Turns 60

Tomorrow is acting legend Patrick Duffy's 60th birthday. What do you think?

Oh, that's when you celebrate it? Interesting, back home in Canada we observe it on the third Monday of March.


Emily Saunders

Patrick Duffy Turns 60

Patrick Duffy's going to be 60?! Shit, that must make me, like, 25, because I don't know who the fuck Patrick Duffy is.


Jon Goplen

Patrick Duffy Turns 60

He's actually 59. Remember, there was that one year that was just a dream.


Max Schwartz

Happy Birthday Patrick Duffy

Today is acting legend Patrick Duffy's 60th birthday. What do you think?

At first I didn't understand why everyone was drinking lots of beer and wearing green today, but now I realize it's because of Patrick Duffy's birthday.


Maura Bois

Happy Birthday Patrick Duffy

Sure most people think of him as Bobby Ewing from Dallas or Frank Lambert from Step By Step, but to me he'll always be the goat from CBS's 1985 made-for-TV production of Alice Through The Looking Glass. Happy Birthday, Goat.


Stu Granozio

Happy Birthday Patrick Duffy

Patrick Duffy is also the name of the man who owns that bar and grill in Kirkwood. But I know he has dabbled in acting, too. So which one are you talking about?


Amanda Scott

Patrick Duffy's New Film

Production is complete on He's Such A Girl, starring Patrick Duffy. Why hasn't this film been released yet? What do you think?

They're probably working on a title that isn't so incongruous with Patrick Duffy's irrefutable virility.


Mike Gale

Patrick Duffy's New Film

You tell me. In this period of economic distress, you would assume the first thing people would be running to is Patrick Duffy.


Tom Bruckner

Patrick Duffy's New Film


Donald Zagoras

Patrick Duffy's Ideal Role

What role do you think Patrick Duffy would be best suited for?

I think he should play the lone survivor of an aquatic race who uses his special powers to aid the government. He already played one? Well, then how about the patriarch of a blended family? Really? Wow. This guy is good.


Felix Tunnison

Patrick Duffy's Ideal Role

Does one instruct Beethoven on which key is most pleasing or tell Picasso what colors are fairest? No. One simply admires a virtuoso at work.


Mary Nahn

Patrick Duffy's Ideal Role


Diane O'Shea

Animal Patrick Duffy

If Patrick Duffy were an animal, what kind of animal do you think he'd be?

A magical goose that lays the golden egg of quality prime-time entertainment.


Lamont Marmel

Animal Patrick Duffy

Well, I assume he can already turn himself into a swan, an eagle, or a bullock, depending on the circumstances.


Jerry Chupp

Animal Patrick Duffy

He'd be a shark—a shark that doesn't listen to nobody and does whatever he feels like.


Paul Shannon

Defense Department To Phase Out Stop-Loss Program

Defense Department officials said that, rather than requiring troops to stay on after their term of enlistment expires, they will begin offering them cash incentives to voluntarily continue their service. What do you think?

Between closing Guantánamo Bay and ending stop-loss, this could seriously hurt the U.S. military's ability to scare American kids into college.


Jennifer Moss

And when has anyone ever done anything they didn't want to do just for money?


Michael Cruz

See, that is just like the Pentagon. Thoughtful, considerate, gracious. Class act.


Eddie Kerr

U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile

Following the testing of a missile defense system, the Senate Armed Services Committee was told that there is a "high probability"" that they could intercept a North Korean missile. What do you think?"

Oh! Oh! If we intercept it, can we keep it?


Megan Carpio

U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile

Wouldn't it just be easier for the Japanese mainland to intercept the missile?


Nick Sanford

U.S. Ready For North Korean Missile

Wait, the U.S. actually has a working missile defense system? Oh, I keep forgetting we now live in that alternate universe with that black president.


Juanita Haller

Red Meat May Spell Early Death

A federal study revealed that middle-aged Americans who ate red meat at least once a day were 30 percent more likely to die during the 10 years researchers followed them. What do you think?

This research may actually push Americans to adopt new habits, such as calling red meat something else.


Peter Rothbart

Red Meat May Spell Early Death

Yeah, but what if you eat red meat three or more times a day? Really? Oh boy.


Brad Glennon

Red Meat May Spell Early Death

If I lived my life by everything studies told me, I'd have given up drinking used motor oil years ago.


Clint Paulo

Morning-After Pill To Be Sold To 17-Year-Olds

A federal judge has ruled that the Food and Drug Administration failed to follow its own protocols when reviewing the birth control pill Plan B and must now allow it to be sold to 17-year-olds without a prescription. What do you think?

As someone who lost his virginity at 25, I'm strongly opposed to anything that reminds me that people were already having sex in high school.


Paul Sakich

I thought most pharmacies just had a barrel of the stuff out front.


Kelly Krutsch

It's like I always say, if you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to ingest 1.5 milligrams of levonorgestrel to prevent ovulation, fertilization, and implantation of a blastocyst.


Leah Pittsley

Sacramento Closes Tent City

The city of Sacramento, CA is going to add more beds to homeless shelters to accomodate the 150 people currently living in from an encampment a mile outside the city. What do you think?

Good. In these dire economic times, the last thing the homeless should be doing is going camping.


Gary Hemp

Sacramento Closes Tent City

If my hard-earned tax money is going towards those beds, my family and I deserve to spend at least one night in a shelter.


Ken King

Sacramento Closes Tent City

Oh, are they finally clearing out Stockton then? Sorry, it's a Sacramento thing.


Greg Haines

Army's Fat Recruit Problem

The U.S. Army has rejected 48,000 would-be recruits since 2005 for being over the weight limit. What do you think?

The Army rejected me, but that was because I was too husky.


Trina Svanoe

Army's Fat Recruit Problem

My God, that means we have 48,000 people in this country who are ridiculously overweight.


Dan Karmiol

Army's Fat Recruit Problem

So let's summarize my incentives for losing weight: I'll be hungry all the time, I'll be tired all the time, and I'll qualify for Army service.


Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video?

A self-described "friend"" of Vice President Joe Biden's daughter Ashley is attempting to sell for $250

000 a video in which the 27-year-old purportedly does cocaine. What do you think?"

I don't get it. What's the hook here? Does she do cocaine really well? Is it an impressive amount of cocaine?


Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video?

If she was snorting it through one of those pocket Constitutions that Kucinich hands out, I'll go get my checkbook.


Veep's Daughter In Cocaine Video?

Did you know there's a videotape of Richard Hilton's daughter Paris having sex?


Amy Seguin

Hefner Selling House Next To Playboy Mansion

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner is selling the house he owns next to the Playboy Mansion for nearly $28 Million. What do you think?

Good luck keeping a garden, what with all those Playboy rabbits I keep hearing about.


Clint Opell

That's a bit pricey for me. I'm holding out for the trailer adjacent to Larry Flynt's.


Alex Jarreau

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but if I had $28 million to spare, I would spend it on warm clothing.


Lee Zimmerman

'ER' Draws To Close

After 15 years, the NBC hospital drama ER is coming to an end tonight. What do you think?

I hope they tie up the big loose end by finally treating that bearded extra who's been sitting in the waiting room since season seven.


Aric Hoyer

'ER' Draws To Close

Maybe they'll finally reveal what 'ER' stands for in the last episode.


Kelly Duffy

'ER' Draws To Close

I wonder if George Clooney will make a last-episode appearance? I'm sorry, I was just trying to imagine being one of those people who actually says things like that.


Maggie Black

Cyrus Doesn't Want 'Hannah Montana' Sequel

Miley Cyrus, the singer and actress who plays children's favorite Hannah Montana, said that she can't see doing a sequel to her forthcoming film Hannah Montana: The Movie. What do you think?

This is why 16-year-olds have legal guardians.


Jun Weber

I hope she sought advice at the Hall of Presidents before making such a weighty decision.


Marc Franklin

That's big of her. Becoming massively overexposed and then gracefully fading into anonymity must run in the Cyrus family.


Weller

Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism

Artist and musician Yoko Ono is auctioning off a mural of the sky in 67 puzzle pieces to benefit autism research. What do you think?

I think the concept is genius. It reassures us that, in the same way we take the sky for granted, autism will probably take care of itself too.


Carol Reilly

Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism

Good luck selling them now that everyone knows what the puzzle is.


Damian Brown

Ono Auctions Sky Puzzle For Autism

This is perfect for anybody who hates both autism and good art.


Clayton Rozzi

2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped

Online video rental source Netflix commemorated its two-billionth disc shipped, Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist, by giving the recipient a free lifetime subscription. What do you think?

Not to toot my own horn, but the local Blockbuster gave me a free box of Dots last week because I was the 10th person to rent a DVD there this year.


Jane Krumbein

2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped

Wow, I had B.A.P.S delivered the same day.


Mike Reinsilber

2 Billionth Netflix Disc Shipped

What in the world? How do you make a playlist that has no end?


Helen Steuben

Press Allowed To Cover Return of Dead Soldiers

For the first time in nearly 20 years, the media was permitted to witness a casket containing the body of a dead soldier arrive on U.S. soil. What do you think?

Does this mean the press will be able to see alive soldiers returning to America sometime soon?


Paul Sabers

Well, I guess this makes pictures of the unemployed slightly less depressing.


Tony Koch

I'm glad they're doing it, but it's a shame that the question-and-answer part didn't go so hot.


Jeremy McManaway

Orlando Air Traffic Controllers Lack Experience

According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, 47 percent of air traffic controllers at Orlando International Airport are in training for certification. What do you think?

As a trained pilot, I can tell you it doesn't matter: I just do whatever I want anyway.


Greg Harberg

That would explain all the wreckage I saw up on Splash Mountain.


Vicki Milam

I'll pass that information on to my kids. I can save a lot of money if they're in a state of paralyzed terror the first day at Disney World.


Sharon Brown

Nation's Power Grid Hacked

According to The Wall Street Journal, the U.S. electrical grid has been compromised by Russian and Chinese cyber-spies, putting the country's infrastructure at risk. What do you think?

These spies must know someone on the inside who revealed America's secret: Everyone here is afraid of the dark.


David Faulkner

Nation's Power Grid Hacked

I should have known the filthy Ruskies were behind my electricity getting shut off.


Joel Comegys

Nation's Power Grid Hacked

This always confuses me. Does it mean batteries will still work, or no?


Harvey Martin

Texas Legislator Wants Asians To Americanize Names

Texas state Rep. Betty Brown suggested that Asian-American voters should change their names to something "easier for Americans to deal with."" What do you think?"

Wouldn't it just be easier to teach Texans how to read?


Maria Delfina Lobry

Maybe they should adopt names that sound like the love interest of a superhero, as Betty Brown clearly did.


Tom Ong

Yeah, that's why I changed my name from Tim to Tom.


Dundee McNair

Captain Rescued From Pirates

After being held hostage by Somali pirates for five days, Capt. Richard Phillips was rescued by the U.S. Navy on Sunday. What do you think?

You don't mess with U.S. naval forces. Did African pirates learn nothing from the two early-19th-century Barbary wars?


Alison Byrne

Captain Rescued From Pirates

High-seas drama like this reminds me why I got into commercial shipping in the first place.


Gene Parmentier

Captain Rescued From Pirates

That's great. I was getting really fucking sick of praying for him.


Josephine Weingardt

Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56

Marilyn Chambers, the former pornographic film actress who starred in the film Behind The Green Door and was the face of Ivory Snow detergent, died in her Canyon Country, CA home on Sunday. What do you think?

After watching her survive Johnny Keyes I thought that woman would live forever.


Steven McCann

Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56

Thank God—now I can be really sure my wife's not that Marilyn Chambers.


Brendan Sanville

Marilyn Chambers Dead At 56

She was in porn? Goddamn it, I spent all that time jerking off to her picture on the Ivory Snow box.


Bob Sandor

DHS Warns Of Rise in Right-Wing Extremism

The Department of Homeland Security warned law enforcement officials that the recession, the disenfranchisement of returning veterans, and the election of a black president could lead to an increase in recruitment by white supremacist and violent antigovernment groups. What do you think?

Is that so? Well, let's see what these extremists can do after we've bombed their cities to rubble.


Jason Bargiel

I think the reason has more to do with the earth's natural 10-year cycle of crazy than any other factor.


Marla Prynoski

You ask a lot of questions. Get off my property.


Marie Brown

Tickets Up, Concessions Down

As movie ticket sales reverse the downward trend they've been experiencing in recent years, concession sales have been stagnant or lower. What do you think?

It all went downhill when the government started letting people sell snacks at places besides theaters.


Alex Tomasovich

Tickets Up, Concessions Down

I just don't think I deserve Sno-Caps this year.


Andre Stanley

Tickets Up, Concessions Down

Oh, no! But our economy is built on candy! Oh, no, wait. That's Candy Land.


Connor Breegan

WTC Rebuild Delayed

Due to the office-space slump, it may take up to three decades to rebuild on the World Trade Center site. What do you think?

Thirty years? Has anyone suggested giving up yet?


Ellen Perroni

WTC Rebuild Delayed

Oh, good, that will give them the opportunity to build that big memorial park the developers had argued would be a waste of money because the land is so valuable.


Joe Horowitz

WTC Rebuild Delayed

Can they at least put up one of those 'Coming Soon' billboards in the meantime?


Terry Khuns

Jackie Chan Endorses Government Control Of Chinese

While addressing a group of Chinese businessmen, Jackie Chan spoke out against freedoms for the Chinese people, saying that if they weren't controlled they would "just do what [they] want."" What do you think?"

I think in order to have any informed, responsible opinion on the destiny of one billion Chinese people, we would also have to hear what Sammo Hung says.


Ann Bennett

They should at least be tougher about the lax placement of pulleys, buckets, ladders, and hovercraft that have given this man no end of trouble.


Peter Rogers

What does Jackie Chan know? He's Chinese. Those people are out of control.


Amy Oliver

Spam A Global Warming Issue

According to security technology company McAfee, the amount of energy used to produce, send, and filter spam each year creates as much greenhouse gas as 3.1 million cars. What do you think?

It's a small price to pay. I like that someone, somewhere, is interested in me.


Bob Dolak

Spam A Global Warming Issue

That's terrible. I'm going to unsubscribe from spam immediately.


Travis Laskaris

Spam A Global Warming Issue

I guess now would be a bad time to admit that I check my e-mail while doing doughnuts in a Hummer.


Gary Pease

Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case

The Supreme Court heard arguments in Safford Unified School District v. Redding, in which the family of a 13-year-old girl sued after school officials strip-searched her for prescription ibuprofen. What do you think?

My parents threatened to sue the school when I was strip-searched, but they settled in exchange for letting me pass eighth grade.


Jay Armacast

Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case

Not a big deal. Back when I was a police officer, I used to kiss all my suspects.


Patricia McGraw

Supreme Court Hears Strip-Search Case

My teenager never has headaches. Do you think she's on the ibuprofen, too?


Anne Barrett

Indian Business Students Into 'Mein Kampf'

The Daily Telegraph of London reports that Indian business students are buying Adolf Hitler's autobiography as a sort of management guide. What do you think?

Well, they sure don't want to follow Gandhi's model. All that guy ever did was lose money.


Albert Zimmerman

I guess that makes sense if you take the Jews to represent scheduling conflicts.


Fred Wistow

Who better to give management advice than a guy who couldn't get into art school?


Dave Fowlks

Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities

After acquiring it for $4.6 billion in 1999, Yahoo! is pulling the plug on free website host GeoCities. What do you think?

And to think, it seems like only yesterday that everyone stopped using GeoCities.


Melissa Brandon

Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities

Can they give us a few more months? 'Cause my web page hit counter is tantalizingly close to reaching triple digits.


Matt Burtz

Yahoo! Shutting Down GeoCities

At least we still have Angelfire. Flame on, you wingèd messenger of God.


Charlie Sarris

Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano declared a public health emergency after a Mexican swine flu epidemic hit the United States. What do you think?

I had a glass of orange juice this morning. I'll be fine.


Heidi Crittenden

Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.

Can you get infected if you work in Mexico at a pig farm where all the pigs are infected and you take no health precautions? If so, I have made some terrible life decisions.


Sam Smith

Swine Flu Epidemic Hits U.S.

Let's see if I can recall what precautions I took during the last outbreak of swine flu back in 1976. Oh, yes, I bought some oregano from a guy at an Atlanta Rhythm Section concert and scorched my chest trying to iron on a 'Beaver Patrol' decal.


Iris Shaked

Air Force One Photo Op Shocks New Yorkers

The sight of Air Force One being trailed by a fighter jet low in the skies of downtown Manhattan sent thousands of workers and residents in the area into a panic on Monday. What do you think?

Wasn't this part of the stimulus package for New York therapists?


Elliott Bassin

Bad or good, the publicity worked. Next time, I'm flying with Air Force One.


Owen Gruber

Oh, no—the invisible World Trade Center Memorial buildings!


Robert Norwell

Specter Switches Sides

Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Specter announced Tuesday that he was switching from the Republican Party to the Democratic Party. What do you think?

This changes the one thing I know about Arlen Specter.


Elaine Williams

Specter Switches Sides


Matt Vey

Specter Switches Sides

This is like when your favorite baseball player gets traded to a rival team, but replace that with a team, player, and sport you don't care about.


Amanda Albert

Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy'

IBM, the company that built master chess computer Deep Blue, is working on a new machine that developers hope can participate in Jeopardy. What do you think?

That's stupid. The only reason to watch Jeopardy is to see how people write out their names.


Mike Kuban

Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy'

Yes! It's gonna work, and those IBM guys will be laughing all the way to the bank with their Jeopardy winnings.


Kevin Hicks

Supercomputer On 'Jeopardy'

Winning at chess and Jeopardy is all well and good, but I'll be impressed when a computer can beat the Philadelphia Eagles—in Philadelphia.


Robert Brooks

8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted

The May edition of the journal Psychological Science contains a study that says 8.5 percent of young gamers play so much that it interferes with their schoolwork and may cause health problems. What do you think?

You should see the lot behind that convenience store, full of dead-eyed kids playing the cheapest Tetris they can get their hands on.


Miriam Robinson

8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted

I find it helps to keep the kids' computer in the living room, where I entertain suitors of dubious intent.


Henry Lee

8.5% Of Young Video Gamers Addicted

Perhaps schools should try a scared-straight program in which the children hear the horrifying tales of video-game addiction from a real-life sickly looking thirtysomething.


Tommy Williamson

China Quarantines Mexicans

Hoping to contain the swine flu, China is rounding up visitors from Mexico and holding them in conditions that Mexican government has described as "unacceptable."" What do you think?"

At least in America we pay them $3 an hour to be in those conditions.


Marianne Parsone

China Quarantines Mexicans

This is awful news for the millions of Mexican college kids who traditionally flock to rural China for its cheap drinks and holiday atmosphere.


Nathaniel Campos

China Quarantines Mexicans

This is eerily similar to the internment of the Japanese during the Vietnam…er, the Civil…er, World War…agh! History!


Linda Fournier

Men's Health Department Proposed

Reps. Barron Hill (D-IN) and Tim Murphy (R-PA) introduced legislation that would create an Office of Men's Health within the Department of Health and Human Services. What do you think?

The first item on their agenda should be finally locating the elusive penis.


Michael Chodat

Men's Health Department Proposed

Health is for women and children. I plan to live with chronic pain and die early of an easily preventable ailment, just like my father and grandfather before me.


Jim Summers

Men's Health Department Proposed

I don't understand. I've already taken a hunter-safety course and my father showed me how to use a circular saw back in grade school. What other health issues does a man even have to worry about?


Victor Coleman

Newest Kindle May Change Textbook Market

The recently introduced Amazon Kindle DX, a larger-screened version of the popular electronic reader, is expected to change the way college textbooks are bought and sold. What do you think?

Not for me. Nothing beats the feeling of learning off paper.


Mel Franken

It does make sense for students to keep all the books they're not going to read in one device, rather than lugging a big heavy bag around.


Jennifer Barkley

If there's one thing I learned as an English major, it's the value of a great book whose pages you can touch and feel and tear out just to spite the next reader.


Karen Reeves

Michael Savage Banned From Britain

Conservative radio personality Michael Savage has been included on a list of people unable to enter the U.K. for allegedly promoting hate, his name appearing alongside those of extremist Muslim clerics and members of the Russian mafia. What do you think?

This probably goes back to those incendiary remarks he made about puddings.


Paul Raddatz

Michael Savage Banned From Britain

If they're going to be fair, they need to ban Simon Cowell too.


Doug Thrun

Michael Savage Banned From Britain

But to ban him simply on the basis of his views is to concede that he has a coherent opinion.


Francis Penn

NASA Running Out Of Fuel

NASA is running short of plutonium-238, the fuel needed in deep space missions, because nuclear warhead production has slowed dramatically since the end of the Cold War. What do you think?

If they don't have any plutonium, maybe they could just use a bolt of lightning, like in Back To The Future.


Christine Safrey

NASA Running Out Of Fuel

This is really pretty simple: We need to start up the Cold War again. And while we're at it, let's go back to leaded gasoline.


Alton Ramos

NASA Running Out Of Fuel

Can't we just microwave some plutonium-229?


Charles Duvall

Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated

The Obama administration is in the early stages of revamping the policy for gays in the military. What do you think?

These are important steps toward the day when America will finally have its first openly gay battleship.


Leah Dawson

Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated

I'm not sure I support a policy allowing openly gay people to serve. It might open the floodgates to actual free will within the armed forces.


Richard Basal

Military's Gay Policy Being Reevaluated

Oh, good! I think my son might be gay, and I would like to be proud of him for at least some reason.


Dana Roren

Graduating Seniors Face Bleak Job Market

With the country in the grips of a deep recession, college students will be graduating in a bad job market. What do you think?

Yeah? Well, just tell them to stay away from my job. Hey, do you like men's suits? Two-for-one, today only!


Frank Bruckner

My son should be okay, as 91% of DeVry alums find positions in their chosen career fields within six months of graduating.


Daniel Edelston

Just goes to show you that a good education is no substitute for a well connected father.


Paul Holtzman

Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening

Beginning July 4, the crown of the Statue of Liberty will be open to the public for the first time since Sept. 11, 2001. What do you think?

Lady Liberty is our greatest symbol for freedom, so hopefully they'll have rigorous racial profiling to ensure her safety.


Max Foner

Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening

I'm pleased visitors can once again laugh uproariously at the balls joke I scrawled up there during my seventh-grade field trip.


Claudia Bunning

Statue Of Liberty's Crown Reopening

They closed the Statue of Liberty on Sept. 11? Did anything good happen on that day?


Craigslist Stops Running Erotic Services Ads

In light of recent controversy, including the case of the "Craigslist killer

the Internet classified service announced it was eliminating its erotic services category. What do you think?"

Even without Craigslist, people are still going to find a way to either murder or get murdered during sex.


Good. I'm tired of all those inappropriate responses whenever I try to find a waterskiing partner.


Yeah, since they removed all the postings, I'd just like to use this opportunity to say that if any uncut twinks are looking for rough service, I'll be in room 241 at the Radisson tonight.


Richard Infield

Cow Genome Outlined

After six years of work, 300 scientists have unraveled the bovine genome, which may lead to better milk and meat production. What do you think?

If that only took six years, then shrimp is going to be easy.


Eileen O'Connor

Cow Genome Outlined

We can map the genome, but will we ever unravel the bovine mind?


David Regan

Cow Genome Outlined

All that in just six years? Wow, that's so amazing. If you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. And I'm being sarcastic because I don't understand the significance of the study.


Kevin Burke

Economy Has Bottomed Out

White House budget chief Peter Orszag said that with April consumer prices stable and production declining at a slower rate, the worst of the recession is over. What do you think?

Seriously? But I just learned how to save money.


Barbara Roberts

Economy Has Bottomed Out

I don't understand economics very well, so could you put the question to me again in analogy form? To help you, my favorite analogies involve old dogs, apples, and fishes on bicycles.


Ian Katz

Economy Has Bottomed Out

What great news for people whose lives exactly mirror economic data reported by the government.


Amie Chern

Scorsese To Direct Sinatra Biopic

Director Martin Scorsese has signed on to helm a movie about the life of singer Frank Sinatra. What do you think?

That's awesome! This will finally give Scorsese the chance to make a film about gangsters and casinos.


Gavin Chultea

Scorsese To Direct Sinatra Biopic


Tony Hoskin

Scorsese To Direct Sinatra Biopic

Isn't it a tad disrespectful to make a movie about someone who's dead?


Grant Baker-Robe

Allen Settles With American Apparel

Filmmaker Woody Allen reached a $5 million settlement with American Apparel after suing the clothing manufacturer for unauthorized use of his likeness from Annie Hall on a billboard. What do you think?

Why is it that whenever Woody Allen goes to court it involves photos of scantily clad young girls in some way?


John Perks

Allen Settles With American Apparel

I hope he doesn't just blow the money at Elaine's.


Marquita Cotti

Allen Settles With American Apparel

So that American Apparel owner guy had sex with Woody Allen, too? Ew.


Martha DePrima

Guantánamo Closure Delayed

By a margin of 90-6, the Senate voted down funding to relocate the 240 inmates being held at Guantánamo Bay to facilities on American soil. What do you think?

Maybe if we leave it open just one more week, we'll find out if they did it.


Ulrich Schuknecht

Guantánamo Closure Delayed

You don't close a detention camp. You make it bigger and spikier.


Dan Everson

Guantánamo Closure Delayed

What a relief. Next to death and divorce, moving is the most painful thing in the world.


Noah Magee

Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica

After nearly 68 years, a grown-up Archie Andrews will ask either Betty or Veronica for her hand in marriage in an upcoming issue of his eponymous comic book. What do you think?

I'd pick Veronica. I've picked Veronica every day since puberty, as a matter of fact.


Elaine Tekle

Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica

If that guy knows the first thing about anything, he'll choose Betty. Or Veronica would be pretty great, too. Actually, he can't really go wrong.


Theo Brotman

Archie To Choose Betty Or Veronica

Married? Oh, no! This is totally going to break up The Archies.


Wade Brookner

Lower IQs Linked To Epilepsy Medication

Children of women who took the antiseizure drug valproate had lower IQs than those of women on other epilepsy medications. What do you think?

As someone who lives above a day-care center, I would like to know how these researchers differentiate the low-IQ children from the rest.


Brooke Roberts

Lower IQs Linked To Epilepsy Medication

Who funded this study? Was it those crooks in the Dilantin camp? They never could stand valproate's success.


Kyle Purnell

Lower IQs Linked To Epilepsy Medication

Ha! Pregnant women will eat anything, won't they?


Lydia McCormick

Brooke Shields Regrets Losing Virginity At 22

In a recent interview, actress Brooke Shields said she wished she had come to terms with her appearance at a younger age so she could have had sex earlier. What do you think?

That's odd. My terrible body image has never once stopped me from having sex with anyone who would talk to me.


Mark Luckett

If she wants to know what it would've been like for her to have sex at 17, I can give her detailed scene-by-scene accounts of my early-1980s masturbation fantasies.


Adam Reed

Obama Announces Justice Nominee

President Barack Obama has chosen New York federal appeals judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court. What do you think?

When will C-Span let me know where I can text my vote?


Sean Pierson

Obama Announces Justice Nominee

Let's not forget that this is also a great day for Justice Ginsburg, who will finally have someone to bitch with again.


Kathryn Kader

Obama Announces Justice Nominee

That was a real surprise. I was expecting…. Okay, I had no idea who I was expecting. I just wanted to feel important for that brief second you sat there and waited for my answer.


Patti Reich

'American Idol' Results Tainted?

AT&T, one of the biggest sponsors of American Idol, has been accused of skewing the results for winner Kris Allen by distributing mobile phones to his fan groups and teaching them how to cast mass text votes. What do you think?

Well, Adam Lambert had the unfair advantage of being the better singer, so it all evens out.


Kevin Seifert

'American Idol' Results Tainted?

Come on, corporate America. Just tell me who the real winner is so I can buy his album and listen to it until you give me someone new to like.


Ryan Griffin

'American Idol' Results Tainted?

What's important is that Americans have a new idol to worship.


Goerge Wade

Microsoft Launches New Search Engine

In an attempt to recapture market share lost to Google, Microsoft has announced the launch of a new search engine it calls "Bing."" What do you think?"

Bing? Interesting. I'll have to Google that when I get home.


Trina Jordan

Microsoft Launches New Search Engine

Finally a search engine for the Zune age!


Paul Schepartz

Microsoft Launches New Search Engine

Search engines are for lazy computer users who don't have the fortitude to type random URLs until they find what they're looking for.


Ritchie Scharffenburger

Conan's 'Tonight' Debut

Former Late Night host Conan O'Brien took over helming duties of the venerable Tonight Show from Jay Leno last night. What do you think?

I'm not allowed to stay up to watch The Tonight Show. Yes, my parents are dead now, but I felt obligated to continue the tradition.


Debbie Kaufman

Conan's 'Tonight' Debut

I'm happy about the potential of seeing a Masturbating Bear segment following a George Gobel clip on the Tonight Show 60th Anniversary special.


Jake Weingarten

Conan's 'Tonight' Debut

Wait, who are they going to get to replace Conan on Late Night then?


Liz Borella

The Cost Of Winning In Minnesota

The undecided Senate race between incumbent Republican Norm Coleman and challenger Al Franken has cost the two a combined $50 million dollars. What do you think?

Wow. And Norm Coleman doesn't even have all those Air America royalty checks rolling in.


Patrick Hendrickson

The Cost Of Winning In Minnesota

I bet they wish they had just spent the $20 million it costs to rig the election.


Slater Madden

The Cost Of Winning In Minnesota

$50 million? For winning Minnesota? But it has Canada geese shit everywhere.


Alex Franklin

Nintendo Introduces New 'Vitality Sensor'

At the Electronic Entertainment Expo, Nintendo unveiled the Wii Vitality Sensor, a device that attaches to your finger and, according to the manufacturer, promotes relaxation as it creates a visual representation of your "inner world."" What do you think?"

If Nintendo wants me to relax with something that attaches to my finger, they'd better start making cigarettes.


Jon Thannum

How inner? I don't think revisiting that uncomfortable 15 minutes out behind the Dairy Queen in 1982 is going to help me relax.


Kelly LaRocco

If there's anything our nation's video gamers need to learn, it's how to take a little time for themselves and unwind.


Lisa Bankes

OAS Welcomes Cuba Back

The 35 member nations of the Organization of American States rescinded its 47-year suspension of Cuba from the group. What do you think?

Oh, no! Cuba might now wield its horrible power to influence interregional banana tariffs.


Louis Mason

OAS Welcomes Cuba Back

Now Cuba can enjoy all the benefits of membership, like agreeing with and doing whatever the U.S. tells it to do.


Terry Strait

OAS Welcomes Cuba Back

So that's why Fidel Castro was wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses while saying 'Cuba's back, Jack.'


Palm Pre Released

Dubbed by some as "the iPhone killer

Palm released its Sprint-exclusive touch-screen phone

the Pre on Saturday. What do you think?"

Yeah, me and a bunch of other guys camped outside the Sprint store all night. When it opened, however, I found out that everyone else was just homeless.


Palm Pre Released

Dubbed by some as "the iPhone killer

In my experience, being drunk is really the most effective iPhone killer.


Palm Pre Released

Dubbed by some as "the iPhone killer

All these touch-screen devices are leaving people with greasy hands back in the dark ages.


Kevin Galasso

'Billy Elliot' Wins 10 Tonys

With 10 awards, the musical of the film Billy Elliot dominated the 63rd Tony Awards. What do you think?

I am now firmly convinced that Elton John can do anything with that piano of his.


Peggy Dunning

'Billy Elliot' Wins 10 Tonys

I have been brought to tears just by hearing the name Billy Elliot.


Chris Panetta

'Billy Elliot' Wins 10 Tonys

Oh, did it? I ended up missing most of the show because I was too busy watching DVR replays of Bret Michaels getting clotheslined by a piece of scenery.


Joanne Lawton

More People Committing Insurance Fraud

According to the National Insurance Crime Bureau, suspicious vehicle fires are up 27 percent, staged car accidents are up 34 percent, and suspicious slip-and-fall claims are up 60 percent. What do you think?

It's exactly this sort of behavior that makes it harder for honest people like me to collect claims when our car is stolen and abandoned in a pasture near my brother's house before inexplicably bursting into flames just days after we upgrade our coverage.


Charles Farnsworth

More People Committing Insurance Fraud

Frauds fail because they get greedy. Start small. Catch your hand in bike spokes. Burn the soles of your feet on exhaust pipes. Then work yourself up to shed fires.


Ryan Chase

More People Committing Insurance Fraud

It's a shame that some people will do anything for money. Can you help me put this silver paint on my thighs? I have to pretend to be a robot in the park now.


Jake Ehrlich

FDA To Regulate Tobacco

The Senate passed a bill that would allow the Food and Drug Administration to regulate the sale of cigarettes and would prohibit the use of terms like "light"" and ""low tar"" in packaging. What do you think?"

When one door closes another opens. Goodbye Marlboro Lights, hello Marlboro Primes.


Daniel Prager

FDA To Regulate Tobacco

I smoke ultra-lights, so I guess this doesn't affect me.


Kathleen Shannon

FDA To Regulate Tobacco

They can remove 'light' and 'low tar' from the labels, but as long as I choose the cigarette brand with the least rugged man in its advertising, I know I'm getting the equivalent.


Jill Klaus

Miss California Loses Crown

Controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean lost her title for contract violations that included missing official pageant events. What do you think?

They better promote that runner-up fast, or my RV show at the fairgrounds next weekend will be a big disappointment.


David Jackson

Miss California Loses Crown

It's not too late for her to enter the wet T-shirt contest down at Jimmy Mac's. We picked up a pretty nice crown for the winner down at Party City.


Darren Allyn

Miss California Loses Crown

I'm kind of desensitized to this stuff after seeing the beheading of Miss Oklahoma in '83


Ray Filardo

Mountain Dew's New 'World Of Warcraft' Beverages

Mountain Dew has released World Of Warcraft–branded "game fuel"" in Horde Red and Alliance Blue. What do you think?"

I hope they extend this to other games, like bridge, and have a north, south, east, and west version.


Paula Weston

Look at all these idiots here who think I'm part of the Horde just because I bought a red soda. Fools! I can't believe it worked.


Doug Hynes

Mountain Dew should stop kissing flabby loser ass and get back to its proud hillbilly shitkicker roots.


Scott Sacks

Vaccine Rejectors Put Kids At Risk

Though children who go unvaccinated for whooping cough are 23 times more likely to contract the illness than those who get their shots, many parents are still choosing to forgo immunization for their kids. What do you think?

But vaccinations cause autism. Sure, science says otherwise, but Jenny McCarthy has some real convincing anecdotes.


Kittson Dunn

Vaccine Rejectors Put Kids At Risk

Those parents should be putting the health of their children ahead of their petty desires to thumb their noses at the work of Jules Bordet.


Michael Pfau

Vaccine Rejectors Put Kids At Risk

Some people may call me a bad parent for not having my children vaccinated. Other people may call me an irresponsible asshole. But personally, I don't see why I can't be both.


Karen Borden

Letterman Apologizes To Palin

Talk show host David Letterman apologized to Alaska governor Sarah Palin for insinuating her daughter was impregnated at a New York Yankees game. What do you think?

I think Letterman should have waited a couple weeks to be sure she really wasn't impregnated at the game.


Brent Siefert

Letterman Apologizes To Palin

How could he make such a callous joke when the governor is only now getting over her unwed teen daughter's breakup after trotting both her and the father of her baby around on the campaign trail for two months as paragons of responsibility and virtue?


Terry Reinhard

Letterman Apologizes To Palin

Wait a minute. You mean there's a Palin daughter out there who's not pregnant? I'll be right back.


Kathryn Harmann

Human Trafficking On The Rise

The global recession has led to an increase in the number of people victimized by forced labor and sex slavery. What do you think?

But Ghalid assures me that this is a time-honored tradition, and that I can buy my freedom in four to six years.


Brian Wilke

Human Trafficking On The Rise

Reliable products made at home, a strong infrastructure, and tons and tons of sex slaves. That's how FDR got us out of the Great Depression.


James Schwichtenberg

Human Trafficking On The Rise

Really? Whoa. You know, I'm beginning to think that maybe we never should have gotten into this worldwide financial crisis in the first place.


Kath Santrello

Benefits Extended To Federal Employees' Domestic Partners

President Obama signed a memo that expanded benefits to domestic partners of federal employees, including same-sex couples. What do you think?

This is just a sneaky way for Obama to make homosexuals American citizens.


James Rudow

Like federal employees don't screw around on the job enough as it is. Now they'll be spending all their time on Craigslist trying to find a domestic partner.


Ryan Welker

How immoral! Accessing a partner's flexible spending account to purchase prescription eyewear with pretax earnings is a right that should only be granted to those in religiously-sanctioned heterosexual relationships.


Gary Van Duyne

Robert Pattinson Hit By Taxicab

Harry Potter and Twilight star Robert Pattinson was hit by a cab while trying to avoid fans in New York City. What do you think?


Gloria Orr

Robert Pattinson Hit By Taxicab

Wow, that's like something out of A Hard Day's Night, except in that it made sense to chase the Beatles.


Anthony Karrenbauer

Robert Pattinson Hit By Taxicab

Listen, I'm sorry I hit him, but I thought he was that asshole Shia LaBeouf.


Jenny Wedo

Michael Jackson Dead

Singer Michael Jackson died yesterday at 50. What do you think?

Why do the really weird celebrities who probably already wish they were dead anyway always have to die so young?


Harold Dray

Michael Jackson Dead

I bet Janis, Jimi, Jim, Jerry, Kurt, Elvis, and Michael are having a jam session up in heaven right now. A horrible, cacophonous jam session because their styles clash too much.


Paul Wasserstrom

Michael Jackson Dead

I'm really saddened by this, not as a music fan, but as an amateur theme park aficionado.


Derek Gottfried

Karl Malden Dead

Actor Karl Malden, known for his work in A Streetcar Named Desire and The Streets Of San Francisco, died at 97. What do you think?

At least his soul is in heaven now, most likely being overshadowed by the soul of Marlon Brando.


Karen Wolff

Karl Malden Dead

Is he the one driving the streetcar? Great performance.


Irving Pettersen

Karl Malden Dead

Heard the news on the Today show. By the way, why does Meredith Vieira wear five-inch-tall fuck-me heels at 7:15 in the morning?


Nick Inglut

30 Years Of The Walkman

Portable music became a reality 30 years ago with the introduction of the Sony Walkman. What do you think?

Too bad it took them 15 more years to invent headphones and double-A batteries.


Moli Griffin

30 Years Of The Walkman

We should be careful not to forget the contributions of the rolling Victrolas of the 1920s.


Robert Crouse

30 Years Of The Walkman

Anyone who listens to the Scorpions' Love At First Sting on an iPod isn't experiencing the music as it was intended.


President Obama Still Smoking

Claiming to be "95 percent cured

President Obama admitted he still occasionally smokes a cigarette. What do you think?"

How he spends his 15-minute union-mandated break is up to him.


President Obama Still Smoking

Claiming to be "95 percent cured

Yeah, Obama's such a liberal I bet he smokes, like, latte cigarettes.


President Obama Still Smoking

Claiming to be "95 percent cured

That sends such a terrible message to our children. Although it does send a pretty cool message to our smokers.


Dennis Jessop

Chinese Porn Filter A Failure

Green Dam, the image-scanning software designed by the Chinese to block pornography, also blocks more benign images, including a Garfield movie poster and pictures of cooked pork. What do you think?

I'm so tired of computers doing our jobs for us! Someone like me, who is really good at identifying boobs and vaginas, should be doing that.


Albert Brava

Chinese Porn Filter A Failure

Garfield movie poster? What the heck is that doing in my browser history? Okay, you caught me. I was jerking off to the Garfield movie poster.


Sharise Plumber

Chinese Porn Filter A Failure

What China needs to do is catalog every pornographic site, block those, then wait for people to lose interest in sex.


Lisa Dray

Mississippi The Fattest State

An annual survey found that, for the fifth consecutive year, Mississippi was the American state with the highest rate of adult obesity. What do you think?

And to think that their weights would be even higher if the average Mississippian still retained all of his or her teeth.


Michael Westmont

Mississippi The Fattest State

It's also the biggest-boned, but you never hear about that survey.


Brad Kordich

Mississippi The Fattest State

This isn't over, Mississippi. The Wisconsin State Fair is right around the corner.


Paul Gillespie

'Brüno' A Success

Brüno, the new film from Sacha Baron Cohen, screened this weekend to critical and box office success. What do you think?

Oh, that Sacha Baron Cohen. He's totally unpredictable. You never know what to expect from him unless you've seen all his other work.


Priscilla Smith

'Brüno' A Success

I don't think making fun of gays is funny, unless my pal Randy does it. He's really good at it.


Will McCaffrey

'Brüno' A Success

I have Sacha Baron Cohen to thank for revealing the severe shortcomings and outright petty prejudices I and others share. I will now use this new self-knowledge to improve myself as a person, and be better to those around me.


Michael Jennings

Studies Show Alternative Medicine Ineffective

After spending $2.5 billion, the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine has found that most alternative medicine cures—like echinacea, ginkgo biloba, and shark cartilage—do not work. What do you think?

I don't need some study to tell me what I already know: If you want to stay sick, take herbs; if you want to get better, pray.


Laura Roma

So my idiot friends who have never been to medical school don't know what they're talking about?


Dan Cummings

Is that so? Well, I'm still gonna put these 'proven to work' stickers on the bottles of ginkgo biloba pills, and I'll ask you to mind your own business and shut the hell up about it.


Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

The Food and Drug Administration ordered "black box"" warnings be placed on two popular smoking-cessation drugs after numerous reports from users of depression

and even suicidal thoughts. What do you think?"

Really? Whenever I've tried to quit smoking my thoughts have always been distinctly homicidal, not suicidal.


Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

How about that. Yet another thing that I, a person who is too smart to ever have picked up such a filthy habit, can lord over those disgusting smokers.


Anti-Smoking Drugs May Induce Suicide

That's weird, because Prozac makes me want to smoke. And Pepto-Bismol makes me want to shoplift. Agh! Medicine!


Arthur Duclayan

Census To Count Gay Marriages

In a reversal of Bush administration policy, the 2010 census will recognize gay marriages. What do you think?

I'm afraid that the census will legitimize gay marriages, much as it legitimized the racial category 'Pacific islander.'


Josh Collins

Census To Count Gay Marriages

That's just great. Now I can't even sit down with my son and enjoy the census without having the gay-marriage talk.


Carrie Cuomo

Census To Count Gay Marriages

Good. Now they'll have to let us know which one is the husband and which one is, you know…the gayer one.


Grace Kruger

Plan B To Be Available As Generic

A generic version of Plan B, also known as the morning-after pill, was approved by the FDA and will be available in August. What do you think?

Great. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to prevent conception but have been dissuaded by Plan B's outrageous $50 price tag.


Chad Johnson

Plan B To Be Available As Generic

When will they come out with something for men who have had unplanned, unprotected sex? Oh, yeah, I guess that's called not calling.


Lou Hofer

Plan B To Be Available As Generic

August?! But my high school reunion is tonight!


Matt Bennett

One In 3 Ticks Carry Lyme Disease

A survey of deer ticks in Minnesota revealed that about a third of them carried Lyme disease. What do you think?

A more rapid industrialization of the Minnesota area would cut down on the woodland habitat the ticks need to survive.


Carol Bell

One In 3 Ticks Carry Lyme Disease

Coagulated fish parts ought to cure the ailments of your body and soul.


Gordon Hall

One In 3 Ticks Carry Lyme Disease

How shameful. Ticks in China do not carry disease. Instead, they bring wealth and good fortune to all who are lucky enough to be chosen as hosts.


Eddie Williams

President's 100th Birthday To Be Recognized

President Barack Obama signed a bill that established a panel to commemorate Ronald Reagan's 100th birthday on June 6, 2011. What do you think?

Quickly, we must assemble a great pageantry of nuclear and military might in honor of this departed leader!


Diane Poole

I am looking forward to a calm, decent celebration. Let us not have sex in the streets as we often do during parades.


Frank Frankson

Celebrating our nation's past glories on President Reagan's birthday will provide a welcome reprieve from the crushing realities of our ongoing military, economic, and cultural decline.


John Smith

Tennessee Unemployment Hits 10.7%

The unemployment rate for the American state of Tennessee reached its highest point in 26 years. What do you think?

I could sure use some small, inexpensive, imported toys to cheer myself up.


Edith Jones

Tennessee Unemployment Hits 10.7%

High unemployment was understandable in 1983, as it was the Year of the Pig. But this is the Year of the Ox, a very robust creature, so there is no other explanation than Tennessee citizens' shameful laziness.


Paul Harris

Tennessee Unemployment Hits 10.7%

Tennessee is the land of Elvis Presley and therefore will never be brought low by unemployment. Long live the American King!


Whitney Houston To Release Comeback Album

Arista Records announced that in September pop diva Whitney Houston, singer of the song "I Will Always Love You

will release her first album of new songs in seven years. What do you think?"

Welcome back, our dear, tea-hued nightingale.


As a reckless American consumer, I plan to buy this album on my credit card and then not have enough money to pay my bill when it comes due.


A comeback album? I think not. Redemption is for the weak.


Jane Adams

Dairy Cattle Slaughtered During Record Surplus

In light of a glut of milk, the National Milk Producers Federation is paying dairies to slaughter 103,000 cows. What do you think?

This seems like a waste. Why not order us American citizens to drink more milk?


James Smith

Though the circumstances are unfortunate, the cows must martyr themselves to preserve the honor of the National Milk Producers Federation. And the errant farmers should be sent to the desert for reeducation.


Bill Jones

I can understand the milk producers' rage at the cows for overproducing this whitish mucus that causes acute stomach distress and spoils easily.


Susan Clancy

Computer Injuries Sharply Increase

Between 1994 and 2006, acute injuries from computers have risen 800 percent. What do you think?

I've always known information was harmful.


Rodney Shepard

Computer Injuries Sharply Increase

By contrast, I operate a sewing machine 16 hours a day and only grow stronger.


Dennis Townsend

Computer Injuries Sharply Increase

We should be thankful that these injuries have increased eightfold, as eight is the luckiest of all numbers.


Peggy Anderson

Bad Lab Results Often Unreported

A review of more than 5,000 medical records from doctors' offices across the nation revealed that bad test results were not reported to patients 7 percent of the time. What do you think?

That is an acceptable threshold. It is important that doctors not skew efficiency numbers by needlessly expending time consoling hysterical patients.


Ron Puckett

Bad Lab Results Often Unreported

Were I ill, I would prefer not knowing it so that I might die a hero's death at my workstation.


Tommy Stevens

Bad Lab Results Often Unreported

This is a serious problem. It seems doctors are being far too forthcoming.


Gene Houser

U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son

A U.S. airstrike in Pakistan may have killed Saad bin Laden, the son of terrorist Osama bin Laden. What do you think?

It's always a tragedy when a parent outlives a child, particularly when that parent is Osama bin Laden.


Julie Long

U.S. May Have Killed Bin Laden's Son

Perhaps we could rig our military's drone aircraft to blast Harry Chapin's 'Cat's in the Cradle' on a loop to break bin Laden's spirit once and for all.