Kathryn Schmidt

Princess Di One Year Later

If only there were some sort of item I could buy to commemorate the milestone.


Patricia Boone

Princess Di One Year Later

Last week marked the first anniversary of the Paris car crash that claimed the life of Princess Diana. How do you feel one year after her tragic death?

I just hope all the worms and bacteria that are feeding off her decomposing corpse understand how truly special she was.


Rich McGraw

Princess Di One Year Later

On behalf of the landmine industry, I say good riddance.


Jonathan Bowa

Princess Di One Year Later

Princess Di was that rarest of creatures–a royal I would do.


Evan Carlton

Princess Di One Year Later

Di's death is a collective memory that will never be erased from our shared consciousness, not unlike that song from the Slinky commercial.


Daniel Barkum

End Of The Boom?

Shaken by currency crises in Russia and the Far East, the stock market has plunged more than 1,600 points in the past two months. What do you think about the possibility of a long-term economic slump?

The other traders and I are quite upset. If this keeps up, we may be forced to participate in BMW's humiliating two-year-lease program in lieu of outright ownership.


Stephen Youmans

End Of The Boom?

Over the past few years, I've been preparing for hard times. And if things get better again, I'll have a few extra jars of urine for my retirement.


Frank Gehry

End Of The Boom?

I sure hope the boom is over. It's hard to recruit people into a doomsday cult when things are going well.


Dana Iselin

End Of The Boom?

I should make it through this slump just fine, because I have no investments or savings to lose.


Lucinda Russell

End Of The Boom?

I'd hate to have to return to the days of the late-'80s recession, when I was forced to give a moment of thought before frivolously consuming.


Roy Caulkins

End Of The Boom?

The economic boom is over? Shit, I missed another one.


Patrick Davis

Impeach Clinton?

With Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report now in the American people's hands, talk has turned to the prospect of impeaching the president. What do you think?

Of course he should be removed from office. For Christ's sake, he had that thing in her mouth.


Emily Tidrow

Impeach Clinton?

The president is faced with a great crisis, and he should do the right thing–marry Monica.


Wayne Bonds

Impeach Clinton?

Help me out here. What exactly did he do again? Because I'm really going to need a lot of extremely precise details if I'm to make an informed decision.


Samantha Kravec

Impeach Clinton?

Why are we wasting time and money on this ridiculous issue when flag-burning is still legal in this country?


Optometrist

Impeach Clinton?

Clinton couldn't have done anything worse if he had traded weapons to a hostile foreign power, secretly diverted taxpayer funds to Central American rebels or knowingly allowed a U.S. naval base to be attacked by Japan.


Jason Durham

Impeach Clinton?

The adultery doesn't bother me. It's Clinton's love of frog figurines that weirds me out.


Yvgeny Koptev

Russia's Woes?

Russia is currently in the grips of the worst economic and political turmoil it has seen since the breakup of the Soviet Union. What do you think about the woeful state of our former enemy?

As a Siberian potato farmer, it's hard for me to adjust to these hard times after so many years of tremendous prosperity.


Craig Sims

Russia's Woes?

Why don't they do one of those Five Year Plans? Those were pretty successful. Except, I guess, for the famine and genocide.


Rob Traschel

Russia's Woes?

Things are that bad over there, huh? No wonder all my mail-order brides have been sick or dead on arrival.


Lauren Geist

Russia's Woes?

It's just so awful what has happened over there. I mean, she was the people's princess.


Patti Bauer

Russia's Woes?

We can help support the Russian economy in all sorts of ways: Request Stolichnaya for our screwdrivers. Buy more nesting dolls. Rent Battleship Potemkin.


Timothy Hughes

Russia's Woes?

The U.S. should not offer any aid to Russia until Nikolai Volkov publicly apologizes for hitting Sergeant Slaughter over the head with that folding chair.


Russell Perry

Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?

I'm not too sure of the specifics of the Kosovo situation, but it sounds like we should probably drop bombs on somebody.


Jennifer D'Acquisto

Kosovo Intervention?

Those ethnic types tend to be pretty filthy, so I don't see what's so bad about cleansing them.


Todd Almon

Kosovo Intervention?

I don't blame the Serbs. I once lived next door to some ethnic Albanians, and I fucking hated those guys.


Douglas Mura

Kosovo Intervention?

Slobodan Milosevic? Didn't he used to play for the Trail Blazers?


Annette Shirley

Kosovo Intervention?

All of this escalating violence could easily be stopped if someone would just travel to Sarajevo and assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand.


Duane Bevacqua

Kosovo Intervention?

I'm sorry, but I can't be bothered with all this foreign mumbo-jumbo right now–our president may have received as many as nine secret blow jobs.


Christopher Meacham

The Budget Surplus

The 1998 fiscal year ended with a federal budget surplus of $70 billion, the first surplus in three decades. What do you think?

We must've gotten all that money when we stopped buying those $3,000 hammers.


Suzanne Gamble

The Budget Surplus

I propose that a gold-doubloon-filled national vault be built in which all U.S. citizens may frolic and shout 'I'm rich! I'm rich!'


Meredith Wynegar

The Budget Surplus

This is great. Now we can finally pay off .0000002 percent of the interest on the national debt.


Jim Nettles

The Budget Surplus

Imagine that–all this happening right before an election. What luck.


Rick Randolph

The Budget Surplus

Seventy billion might seem like a lot but just wait until the government finds out how much tax it'll have to pay on it.


Eric Milbourne

The Budget Surplus

Do you think we should put that money toward bailing out our bankrupt Social Security system? Me neither. PlayStations for all!


Amanda Petry

The Tyson Reinstatement

Last week, a team of psychologists declared boxer Mike Tyson–suspended by the Nevada State Athletic Commission last year for biting off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear–"troubled"" but fit to fight. What do you think about Tyson's bid for reinstatement?"

I'm still not convinced that Tyson has the emotional and mental stability necessary to pummel the shit out of somebody.


Danielle Garbey

The Tyson Reinstatement

Tyson just hasn't been the same since that one time he was born.


Chris Rozema

The Tyson Reinstatement

If the commission refuses to reinstate Tyson I'm sure he'll be happy to return to his first love: sexual assault.


Jonathan Brookens

The Tyson Reinstatement

Tyson should be allowed to box only if he truthfully answers one question: Why'd he fuck Joey?


Tony Wilcox

The Tyson Reinstatement

Tyson was provoked by Holyfield. The videotape clearly shows Holyfield hitting him.


Jerry Lopez

The Tyson Reinstatement

That guy? He's nuts. I don't care what anybody says–that Freeman Dyson is one whacked-out physicist if he thinks anyone will ever construct a mobile artificial planet.


Dennis Pittman

Hollywood Eating Disorders

Helen Hunt, Courteney Cox and Ally McBeal's Calista Flockhart are among a wave of actresses recently rumored to have eating disorders. What do you think about extreme thinness in Hollywood?

Helen Hunt has an eating disorder? You'd compulsively self-induce vomiting too if you had to listen to Paul Reiser whine all day.


Teri LaCorte

Hollywood Eating Disorders

It's almost as if Hollywood puts a premium on thinness and beauty.


David Ruhle

Hollywood Eating Disorders

It's wrong to assume a woman has an eating disorder just because she's a bit thin. She may just be in the final stages of cancer.


Larry Sambito

Hollywood Eating Disorders

It could be worse. They could be getting big and fat like that cow Kate Winslet.


Alison Howe

Hollywood Eating Disorders

They're only doing it because the camera adds 75 to 80 pounds.


Matt Sutton

Hollywood Eating Disorders

So you're saying our nation's sitcom actresses may be starving themselves to death? Now what is the problem exactly?


Ellen Bolling

Glenn's Return To Space

Last Thursday, 36 years after becoming the first American in orbit, 77-year-old John Glenn made a triumphant return to space aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery. What do you think?

This is a triumph, not just for the space program, but for all of America. It's too bad he's gonna die up there.


Craig Jensen

Glenn's Return To Space

I was in favor of shooting Senator Glenn until I heard the 'into space' part.


Kerri Olson

Glenn's Return To Space

Depending on the success of this mission, NASA may yet be convinced of my plan to rocket the elderly into the sun.


Todd Daley

Glenn's Return To Space

Didn't Tom Wolfe say you can't go back into space again?


Mitch Hurd

Glenn's Return To Space

This time, Glenn's stammering wife had damn well better speak to LBJ like she's told.


Paul Agganis

Glenn's Return To Space

USA! USA! US–! What? This is a naked P.R. ploy by NASA with little scientific significance and, as such, is a disgrace to the space program and an affront to taxpayers, who must foot the $500 million bill? USA! USA! USA!


Eric Hoak

Beer Ads Targeting Kids

Anheuser-Busch is under fire from parents groups, who claim that Budweiser TV commercials featuring animated frogs, lizards and other animals are specifically designed to appeal to children. What do you think about alcohol companies marketing to minors?

The cartoon beer frogs clearly target children. Budweiser should return to its 'Bring Me Another Bud, Bitch' campaign, which was aimed at adults.


Colleen Raydon

Beer Ads Targeting Kids

Anheuser-Busch did nothing wrong. They're just following that new law requiring all commercials to feature talking animals.


Lauryn Oldis

Beer Ads Targeting Kids

Kids are definitely influenced by these things. My 10-year-old daughter is a big Snoopy fan, and she won't stop taking out MetLife insurance policies.


Alan Cimoli

Beer Ads Targeting Kids

I don't approve of that commercial where Barney tricks Fred out of his Olde English 800 by dressing as a space alien.


Matthew Kravitz

Beer Ads Targeting Kids

Hey, we've all had one too many Buds at some point and started targeting minors.


Pete Green

Beer Ads Targeting Kids

Man, no matter how many times those frogs say 'Bud,' 'Weis,' 'Er,' it just keeps getting funnier and funnier.


Tim Kolloway

End Of The Gingrich Era

On Nov. 6, days after the elections that reduced the Republicans' House lead to just six seats, Newt Gingrich stepped down as Speaker of the House. What do you think about the end of the Gingrich Era on Capitol Hill?

It sure won't be easy finding another mean, privileged, middle-aged white man to take Newt's place.


Diane Astroth

End Of The Gingrich Era

It's sad, but he did the right thing by resigning. He had oral sex with the president, and the only honorable thing was to step down with dignity.


Jill Valo

End Of The Gingrich Era

America will not soon forget the bold challenge Gingrich issued in 1994, when he said, in promos for the new fall CBS line-up, "Okay


Robby Byrd

End Of The Gingrich Era

I know he was a crypto-fascist reactionary, but, doggone it, I'm gonna miss the lovable lunk.


Jeff Coleman

End Of The Gingrich Era

I hope they at least let Newt keep his beloved silver Speaker of the House helmet.


Gregory Shantz

End Of The Gingrich Era

I used to worry about Newt. Then I started worrying about the fact that the sun stopped producing neutrinos in the early '80s, indicating that its internal fusion process had stopped. But that was too scary, so now I worry about fashion.


Daryl Woodley

College Binge Drinking

A recent American Medical Association study found that binge drinking is on the rise on college campuses, as are alcohol-related deaths. What do you think?

Last November, my friend Brad got drunk, and he fell down a flight of stairs and died of massive brain trauma. We were ripped to the tits, dude.


Ricky Hanratty

College Binge Drinking

As part of my fraternity's initiation ritual, pledges are required to die of alcohol poisoning.


Peter Malone

College Binge Drinking

Sure, binge drinking can be a serious problem, but how else are college students supposed to foster an environment conducive to date rape?


Annette Brister

College Binge Drinking

Most college students aren't even 21, so this is really more of a grad-school issue.


Steven Stoudt

College Binge Drinking

Forget college. I'm doing my best binge drinking now that I'm in my 40s and have a dead-end job and a fucking albatross of a family.


Stephanie Blackledge

College Binge Drinking

What's wrong with letting off a little steam five to six nights a week?


Renee Bumbry

Prosecuting Pinochet

Spain is seeking to extradite Augusto Pinochet from Britain to stand trial on torture and murder charges dating from his 1973–90 rule of Chile. What do you think about prosecuting world leaders for acts committed while in office?

Holding a dictator responsible for his brutal regime's acts of torture and genocide? Are we really sure we want to set that kind of precedent?


Patrick Fuller

Prosecuting Pinochet

Pinochet is an inhuman monster who deserves the worst punishment possible–commissioning Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a hit musical about his life.


Michael Hood

Prosecuting Pinochet

I say let Pinochet free. After his harrowing ordeal inside the belly of Monstro The Whale, I think we can all agree he has suffered enough.


Joshua Alexander

Prosecuting Pinochet

Hey, we all go through a torturing-thousands-of-innocents phase at some point in our lives.


Lawrence Grich

Prosecuting Pinochet

The British kicked me out of the country once when I broke a bunch of royal shit.


Jackie Oliver

Prosecuting Pinochet

Boy, those crazy Mexican countries sure have their problems, don't they?


Dave Roof

Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?

I think the new instant checks are great. Last March, I had to wait almost an entire week before I could open fire on that busload of kids.


Keith Krausse

Checks For Gun Buyers

I'm in favor of a waiting period. Waiting just makes it all the more special when you finally give the bitch what she's got coming.


Benjamin Chavarria

Checks For Gun Buyers

As long as they don't start requiring background checks for meat-cleaver purchases, I should be fine.


Jordan Stock

Checks For Gun Buyers

God, guts and guns are what made America great. Oh, God—I just shot myself in the gut with my gun!


Anne Hershberger

Checks For Gun Buyers

They should make gun buyers sign a waiver that says, 'I promise only to use this gun on bunnies.'


Ellen Gosger

Checks For Gun Buyers

I find that shooting people is an excellent alternative to letting them run a background check on me.


Dave Roof

Checks For Gun Buyers


Keith Krausse

Checks For Gun Buyers


Benjamin Chavarria

Checks For Gun Buyers


Jordan Stock

Checks For Gun Buyers


Anne Hershberger

Checks For Gun Buyers


Ellen Gosger

Checks For Gun Buyers


Barry Sims

A Woman In The White House?

Elizabeth Dole's recent decision to leave the Red Cross is regarded by many as a sign that she will run for president in 2000. What do you think about the prospect of a first-ever female president?

Haven't we learned our lesson about letting a woman into the Oval Office? What if she started giving people blow jobs? It'd be disaster all over again.


Emily Weston

A Woman In The White House?

Bob Dole would make a glamorous First Lady.


Oscar Grosz

A Woman In The White House?

I warned this would happen if we gave women the vote. Now they're all drunk with power.


Kathleen Riegert

A Woman In The White House?

Anyone with half a brain knows that women are just as capable of leading as men. Just look what a good job Captain Janeway has done.


Sunil Shahpura

A Woman In The White House?

A woman can't be president, because she might get PMS and make bad decisions. Only male presidents can properly control their hormones.


Kevin Dobson

A Woman In The White House?

I think there should be a woman in the White House, but not Elizabeth Dole. She's just not hot enough.


Lorraine Schwall

The Global-Warming Crisis

According to the National Oceanic And Atmospheric Administration, the average 1998 worldwide temperature was 58.5 degrees, making it the warmest year on record. What do you think about the rising global-warming threat?

Glenn Frey foretold of this grave crisis in his prophetic 1985 hit 'The Heat Is On.'


Marvin Malzone

The Global-Warming Crisis

We must put out the sun before it's too late.


Dennis Runnels

The Global-Warming Crisis

I just hope that when the world is a post-apocalyptic desert wasteland, I can get my hands on one of them dune-buggy things.


Charles Green

The Global-Warming Crisis

Does this question involve the Super Bowl? No? Can you think of one that does?


Armen Wills

The Global-Warming Crisis

I for one promise to stop aiming my aerosol cans directly at the sky.


Patricia Kolstad

The Global-Warming Crisis

I've always loved never-ending summers, palm trees and balmy tropical breezes, and it'll be nice to have them here in Winnipeg.


Jennifer Voss

Pre-Millennium Tension

With less than a year to go before the dawn of a new millennium, doomsayers are predicting everything from a global computer collapse to Armageddon. What do you think about the growing Y2K anxiety?

You mean, in less than a year, the damned will be carried off to the sulfurous pits of hell by hideous, moth-winged reptiles straight out of a Hieronymus Bosch triptych? Cool.


Ted McGlothlin

Pre-Millennium Tension

Technically, since Christ was actually born in 4 B.C., the millennium has already begun, and it is now 2003. So any self-respecting Y2K freak would have immolated himself back in '96.


Fred Davalillo

Pre-Millennium Tension

All I know is, I'm gonna be so hung over on Jan. 1, 2000, I'm not even gonna give a shit if the rivers run red with blood.


Joan Egan

Pre-Millennium Tension

In the next millennium, there will no longer be prejudice against gays. There will be space-prejudice against space-gays.


Ronald Chance

Pre-Millennium Tension

Pre-millennial tension, huh? Whenever my wife gets that, she bloats up like a big sow.


Eugene Amaro

Pre-Millennium Tension

In preparation for the coming Apocalypse, I went out and bought a waterbed, which should hold about 300 gallons of vanilla pudding.


Harriet Alston

The Medicare Crisis

Medicare, which provides health insurance to 40 million elderly Americans, is projected to go bankrupt by 2008. What do you think about this impending crisis?

If God had meant for us to help the aged and infirm, He certainly would have put it in The Bible.


Randall Essian

The Medicare Crisis

I'm doing my part to save Medicare by turning all the IV drips in my hospital to half-power.


Victor Keough

The Medicare Crisis

Why should we keep offering the elderly all these free handouts? They're just going to spend it all on a bunch of dialysis and shit.


Iris Heaverlo

The Medicare Crisis

So what if a few million old people die? Are they, like, scarce or something?


Lawrence Dilone

The Medicare Crisis

Somebody in Washington should call for health-care reform.


David Armas

The Medicare Crisis

How much could it cost to shut away the elderly with a black-and-white TV and some cat food? A couple hundred a year?


Jenny Borgmann

Hand-Transplant Surgery

On Jan. 25, a 37-year-old New Jersey man became the first person ever to receive a hand transplant in the U.S. What do you think about this medical breakthrough?

Speaking for my fellow torch-wielding mob members, I say we find the doctor who created this abomination and burn his castle laboratory to the ground.


Patrick Smalley

Hand-Transplant Surgery

Thanks to this miraculous medical breakthrough, soon I will finally know what it feels like to smack my son.


Isaac Zahn

Hand-Transplant Surgery

The doctors say if I don't find a hand donor in the next three months, I'll die.


Gary Rivera

Hand-Transplant Surgery

Would it be possible to get a squid tentacle instead?


Melanie Goltz

Hand-Transplant Surgery

Now, if only modern science could develop some sort of knitted covering to slip over the newly transplanted hand to keep it warm in winter.


Omar Redfern

Hand-Transplant Surgery

So if you ruin your hands you can just get new ones? Wow, this year's Passion Play is gonna be the best ever.


James Hoge

Protecting Chelsea's Privacy

A recent People cover story about Chelsea Clinton prompted an angry response from President Clinton and the First Lady, who have shielded their daughter from media scrutiny throughout their time in Washington. What do you think about the First Daughter's right to privacy?

I applaud President Clinton for taking a bold stand against actions that, while not technically illegal, leave a certain bad taste in the mouths of many people.


Joan Foster

Protecting Chelsea's Privacy

Hey, I don't hear Julia Roberts' parents bitching.


Duane Abercrombie

Protecting Chelsea's Privacy

Which one is Chelsea, again—the cat or the chocolate lab?


Leonard Morris

Protecting Chelsea's Privacy

Chelsea should not be on the cover of People unless we find out she had some hot lesbian affair a la Amy Carter.


Michael Worley

Protecting Chelsea's Privacy

I can't believe People just came right out and revealed that Chelsea is coping well with her father's troubles.


Tracey Pollard

Protecting Chelsea's Privacy

As a Stanford undergrad, I feel all this attention on Chelsea is wrong. The media should be focusing on my ex-roommate Jill Dwyer, a scheming bitch who stole my boyfriend and still owes me $30 for the electric bill.


Sanjay Seter

Senator Hillary?

Last week, Hillary Clinton said she would give "careful thought"" to running for a U.S. Senate seat in New York. What do you think about the prospect of a Senator Clinton?"

I don't know… If she wasn't woman enough for Bill, how can she satisfy an entire district?


Sasha Higgins

Senator Hillary?

As a strong '90s woman, I feel Hillary should definitely run for the Senate. She could totally get back at Bill that way.


Felicia Griffin

Senator Hillary?

Hillary can do anything she sets her mind to. Oh, wait. No, she can't—that's Oprah.


Andrew Robinson

Senator Hillary?

It'd be great. That way, she wouldn't have to stop lying for at least six more years.


Donald Vaught

Senator Hillary?

I'm just not sure Hillary has the drive and ambition necessary for a career in politics.


Paul Rice

Senator Hillary?

I would have no moral problems voting for her. After all, I'm pretty sure she never gave oral sex to the president.


Linda Kendall

Sweepstakes Under Fire

Attorneys General from 11 states met in Indianapolis last week to discuss ways to crack down on mail-in sweepstakes like Publishers Clearing House, which they claim use deceptive mailings to trick people into buying products to help their chances of winning. What do you think about sweepstakes fraud?

The publishers have to find some way to clear their houses. If not sweepstakes, how?


Ronald D'Acquisto

Sweepstakes Under Fire

Hopefully, this will end with Ed McMahon leading police on a spectacular high-speed chase in the Prize Patrol van.


Roy Almon

Sweepstakes Under Fire

So far, I've spent $47,840 on Jack & Jill subscriptions, and still no gigantic novelty check.


Kenneth Winfield

Sweepstakes Under Fire

I always watch the Super Bowl naked just in case I'm the live-TV grand-prize winner. Here's my dick, America.


Denise Briggs

Sweepstakes Under Fire

The public is being preyed upon by unscrupulous con artists. Save us, Stone Phillips!


Richard Dade

Sweepstakes Under Fire

The public should be protected from blatantly false claims they are stupid enough to believe.


Marvin Cowens

eBay Under Fire

Last week, it was reported that eBay.com, the popular, minimally monitored Internet auction house, is being investigated by the federal government for "possible illegal transactions."" What do you think?"

You mean that Ty Cobb-autographed aluminum bat I bought might be a fake?


Oscar Brookens

eBay Under Fire

No wonder my Splinters of the True Cross came individually wrapped and were mint-flavored.


Elaine Tobik

eBay Under Fire

In the future, I'm going to think twice before buying from eBay. Those fries were totally cold when UPS dropped them off.


Jenny Hebner

eBay Under Fire

The crimes of eBay are a disgrace to its Pig Latin heritage.


Dave Cappuzzello

eBay Under Fire

Fraud on the Internet? Sure, pal. And I suppose my cybersex partner Bossk1701 isn't really a willowy, 20-year-old redhead, either.


Richard Schatzeder

eBay Under Fire

I could buy my goods from a more reputable source. But then I might have to interact with someone of human form.


John Montefusco

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

I don't understand how the prison population has boomed. I mean, I know those guys screw all the time, but they can't get pregnant that way, can they?


Omar Minton

A Nation Of Prisoners

For years, I've been calling for the construction of an interdimensional Phantom Zone to deal with this overcrowding problem.


Diane Ivie

A Nation Of Prisoners

As CEO of Amalgamated Tin Cups & Orange Fabric, I say hooray!


Helen Metzger

A Nation Of Prisoners

There are far too many people in prison. Obviously, this country doesn't have enough high-profile defense attorneys.


David Halicki

A Nation Of Prisoners

Shockingly, a full 40 percent of U.S. prisoners are incarcerated on marijuana-possession charges. You don't expect us to just let these fiends go, do you?


Dennis Herndon

A Nation Of Prisoners

I have only one question: How will this affect the Internet?


Christopher Wooten

Boxing's Black Eye

A New York grand jury is investigating whether judges received illegal payments in connection with the controversial March 13 Evander Holyfield-Lennox Lewis title fight, which was ruled a draw despite the fact that Lewis seemed to have easily beaten Holyfield. What do you think about this latest boxing scandal?

Can't two black men beat the holy hell out of each other in this country any more without some sort of controversy?


Amy Des Jardins

Boxing's Black Eye

Thank heavens Muhammad Ali isn't lucid enough to comprehend this shameful episode.


Roger Traub

Boxing's Black Eye

I saw the fight, and the decision was a complete sham. It was clear that Willie Pep had knocked out Kid Bassey in the fifth. What? The fight wasn't on Classic Sports Network?


Rajesh Bhawnani

Boxing's Black Eye

With regard to boxing, I have only one question: Why'd you fuck Joey?


Frances Phelan

Boxing's Black Eye

It's the children I feel sorry for; the doe-eyed, apple-cheeked cherubs who look up to these sledge-fisted brutes.


Larry Mees

Boxing's Black Eye

What? A boxing match may have been fixed? That's fascinating. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go contemplate the fact that I'm basically alone in the universe.


Patrick Glynn

The 10K Dow

On March 29, the Dow Jones made history, closing above 10,000 points for the first time ever. What do you think about Wall Street's unprecedented vigor?

Damn. I knew I should have invested my money in stocks instead of food.


Lester Hodges

The 10K Dow

Ten thousand points doesn't seem like that much. I regularly reach that on the Dig Dug machine at the Hyper-Mart.


Felicia Hassler

The 10K Dow

Everything's wonderful! Let's celebrate America's runaway prosperity by playing 'Yes! We Have No Bananas' on the phonograph again!


Jen Kobel

The 10K Dow

Some say money is the root of all evil. Then again, some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.


Edward Burris

The 10K Dow

This gives me hope that perhaps someday my income will break the $10,000 mark.


Robert Stearns

The 10K Dow

Forgive me if I do not congratulate your 'Dow' as it soars to ever-loftier heights. I am still mourning my lost son Icarus, whose hubris and folly made him fly too close to the sun.


Bob Hegan

Send In The Ground Troops

With air attacks proving ineffective against the Serbs, the possibility of sending ground troops into Kosovo is being discussed. What do you think about such a prospect?

Ground troops? Didn't we already bomb the hell out of that country? I swear, we just give and give and give…


Phyllis Holtzman

Send In The Ground Troops

With all the incredible military technology at America's disposal, there's no excuse for us not to create a lasting peace in the Balkans.


Ross Segui

Send In The Ground Troops

As a member of the U.S. Army Reserves, I have just one thing to say: 'Oh, shit.'


Lynette Tenace

Send In The Ground Troops

Well, I can certainly understand why the Serbs are so aggressively nationalistic. Ever seen Yugoslavia? It's gorgeous.


Ike Bando

Send In The Ground Troops

I hear that Serb guy is the new Hitler. Of course, I can't remember why or what his name is, but the important part is 'Hitler.'


Rich Klimkowski

Send In The Ground Troops

Those Albanian refugees, camping on hillsides in groups of 20,000, living in their own feces with no food or water… It reminds me of when I followed the Dead back in '89. Keep on truckin', Kosovars!


Charlotte Lindblad

The Return Of SDI

Alarmed by the development of nuclear weapons in China, North Korea, Iran and Iraq, Congress recently approved a scaled-back version of the 'Star Wars' missile-defense system of the Reagan Era. What do you think about the revival of this program?

Back in the '80s, when Star Wars was first proposed, scientists said it was impractical and would only increase the risk of nuclear war. But I'm sure that doesn't still apply.


Reggie Clay

The Return Of SDI

We need the most advanced missile-targeting system money can buy, so that at the crucial moment, we can switch it off and trust our feelings.


Bob Thomasson

The Return Of SDI

No, thanks. I'd rather see the U.S. pursue a course of Annie Hall-style diplomacy.


Amy Blair

The Return Of SDI

I heard that in a full-blown nuclear attack, the Star Wars system could intercept as many as 50 percent of all incoming missiles. And how much damage could the other 50 percent possibly do?


Fred Beattie

The Return Of SDI

As I always say, the best defense is a good offense. Let's get out there and nuke the hell out of them first, team!


Patrick Randolph

The Return Of SDI

A defense system orbiting high above the planet, from where it could rain down fiery death on the Earth's surface? As an American citizen, I've approved of worse ideas.


Caroline Reece

Talking Tax Reform

Tax season was recently upon us once again, and with it came widespread calls for reform, including simpler forms and a more streamlined filing process. What do you think about making tax-filing less complicated?

With e-filing, the government's seizure of nearly half my assets was quicker and easier than ever this year.


Ed Howard

Talking Tax Reform

I agree that there is a major need for Rax reform. They routinely fail to maintain a well-stocked salad bar, and the waitstaff is quite rude.


Ubit Batangpang

Talking Tax Reform

Technically, I work for the U.S., but as an Indonesian shoe-factory worker, I'm lucky enough not to have to pay taxes.


Gordon Biasucci

Talking Tax Reform


Nelson Childs

Talking Tax Reform

For all the taxes I pay, I should at least be allowed to use the roads. What? Really? Hot damn!


Liz Dryden

Talking Tax Reform

I pay almost 40 percent of my total income in taxes, but at least it pays for a top-notch educational system, responsible community policing and comprehensive health care. Of course, I'm Canadian.


Judith Stoddard

Are Parents Responsible?

In the wake of the April 20 massacre at Columbine High School, many are calling for charges to be filed against the parents of the two killers for not responding to warning signs. What do you think about holding parents responsible for the criminal acts of their children?

I'm sorry, but good parents know when their child is planning to shoot 500 of his classmates, hijack an airplane and crash it into New York City.


Gordon Crowley

Are Parents Responsible?

As a responsible parent, I would never let my kids watch garbage like Natural Born Killers. Terrence Malick's Badlands is a far superior treatment of the same subject.


John Bumbry

Are Parents Responsible?

Video games, not parents, are to blame for many of these teenage crimes. I'm certain it was Frogger that taught my son to jaywalk.


Melissa Roenicke

Are Parents Responsible?

With so many innocent children already dead, it's critical that we wait not a minute longer to enact knee-jerk legislation.


Roy Sakata

Are Parents Responsible?

Charges should be filed against anyone who knew these kids were wearing black trenchcoats and didn't do anything about it.


Douglas Krenchicki

Are Parents Responsible?

Responsibility lies with Marilyn Manson, for inspiring this terrible violence. And with Alice Cooper, for inspiring Marilyn Manson.


Lydia Bochte

The Return Of Flag Burning

On April 29, the Senate Judiciary Committee voted 11-7 to send an anti-flag-burning amendment to the full Senate floor. What do you think about the prospect of such a constitutional ban?

Think about it: a constitutional amendment limiting civil liberties so that protesters will no longer be able to burn flags? It just makes sense.


Larry Stoddard

The Return Of Flag Burning

Why can't people get this straight? Flags are for flying; crosses are for burning.


Joan Nelson

The Return Of Flag Burning

Flag burning? It's fine, I suppose. Unless, of course, it's an American flag. Then it should be illegal.


Gene Bannister

The Return Of Flag Burning

This amendment hasn't even been passed, and I've already been convicted of burning a flag. Maybe it had something to do with that Perkins that was attached to it.


Geoff Cruz

The Return Of Flag Burning

I've got a bunch of American-flag napkins from last July 4th. Can I still wipe mustard off my face with them if this amendment passes? 'Cause I've got a real problem with mustard spillage, to be honest.


Ken Bulling

The Return Of Flag Burning

When I think about the countless flags being burned in this country every day, I must admit that something, no matter how drastic, must be done.


Janet Kuhn

Worsening Tensions With China

Rocky military relations between the U.S. and China only worsened with NATO's accidental May 7 bombing of the Chinese embassy in Belgrade. What do you think about the deteriorating state of affairs between the two nations?

Why should the U.S. have to take the blame for NATO's actions?


Isaac Holt

Worsening Tensions With China

Look, there are an awful lot of bombs that need to be dropped. Can we really be expected to keep track of every last one?


Lydia Kedzie

Worsening Tensions With China

China has every right to be upset about our slaughter of innocent Chinese citizens. We're cutting in on their action.


Rupit Thalacker

Worsening Tensions With China

This tragic bombing should teach us an important lesson: If you move, make sure to send a change-of-address notification to the CIA.


Bobby Pryor

Worsening Tensions With China

China's mad at us? Ah, so! Me so solly! Prease to accept aporogies! Hi, I'm funnyman Bobby Pryor—come join me Thursday night, when I'll be headlining at Tacky's Tavern on Pegler Road, next to Osman's Tires.


Alexander Gulden

Worsening Tensions With China

China? That's not the country with the giant robots, is it? Whew.


Thomas Rayburn

Vehicular Search And Seizure

Last week, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that police do not need a warrant to search or seize a vehicle in a public place. What do you think of the court's decision to expand police powers and limit the rights of criminal suspects?

Can people who are not police search and seize cars now, too? Because I've had my eye on my neighbor's Camaro for a long, long time.


Louise O'Connell

Vehicular Search And Seizure

Police definitely need to file a warrant before they search a vehicle. Otherwise, how will they know for sure that the car belongs to a minority?


Christine Davis

Vehicular Search And Seizure

What's this country coming to? Next, the police will be able to confiscate the weed from my glove compartment, too.


Ben Gaitskell

Vehicular Search And Seizure

As a certified bikini inspector, let me tell you I don't need a warrant to do my job, either. Whoo-hoo!


Andy Perón

Vehicular Search And Seizure

It sounds like this is just one more way American civil liberties are being quietly chipped away. Oh, well. Could you pass me another Nutter Butter? Those things are tasty.


Cecil Dubcek

Vehicular Search And Seizure

Everyone's blowing this so-called rights issue out of proportion. If someone's driving erratically, more often than not they have a car full of Jews.


Maxine Banks

Presidential Pay Hike

At a hearing on Capitol Hill last week, Congress was urged to approve a spending bill which would double the president's salary to $400,000 per year, effective January 2001. What do you think?

I think it's a bad idea. We want our presidents to be motivated by a lust for power, not money.


Ralph Payne

Presidential Pay Hike

What? A raise? For the president? No! Now get out of my office!


Bart Cordova

Presidential Pay Hike

The president should get raises like everyone else: a 35-cent increase after every 16-month period, depending on a good performance review.


Debbie Raiford

Presidential Pay Hike

Doubling the president's salary? Sounds risky. That kind of money could corrupt a man.


Steve Coburn

Presidential Pay Hike

If the job only pays $200,000, a lot of qualified candidates might opt to take a job that pays more money. Like, for example, owning a county-wide chain of gourmet-popcorn shops.


Patrick Hilleary

Presidential Pay Hike

I refuse to be president for anything less than 800 grand. Take it or leave it. It's your loss, America.


Gary Podesto

Gore For President

Vice President Al Gore plans to formally announce his bid for the presidency on June 16. What do you think about Gore running in 2000?

Sure, what the hell? This Gore guy couldn't be any worse than the losers we have in office now.


Jacqueline Effman

Gore For President

Why are you asking me who should be president? It's not like I have any input in the matter.


Liz Myrick

Gore For President

He should definitely be elected. Gore and Hillary would make a great couple.


Neil Krasnow

Gore For President

You mean we're still having presidents after this whole Lewinsky scandal?


Keith Talley

Gore For President

Gore vs. Bush… the same choice I have to face in selecting my pay-per-view movies every night.


Bruce McDonough

Gore For President

We must elect Gore. Jay Leno has barely scratched the surface of joking about his stiff and wooden disposition. Four more years!


Bryce King

Depression & The Second Lady

Last week, former clinical-depression sufferer Tipper Gore held a conference at the White House to raise awareness of mental illness, from which she said 50 million Americans suffer. What do you think about Gore's effort to draw attention to mental health?

I always wondered about the origin of the phrase, 'As batshit insane as a vice-president's wife.'


Javier Orza

Depression & The Second Lady

As Quiet Riot noted, metal health is an extremely serious issue, which, if not detected and treated early, will drive you mad.


Diane Weston

Depression & The Second Lady

When I'm feeling down, there's one sure fire way to get me back on my feet: I start a nationwide right-wing morality crusade against some harmless teen music fad.


Erick Walker

Depression & The Second Lady

What's the big deal? If Tipper becomes too depressed while in office, someone else can cook the state dinners.


Jill Poulian

Depression & The Second Lady

Maybe if Tipper tried a little harder to make friends, she wouldn't be so depressed.


Alan Kretchmer

Depression & The Second Lady

I applaud Tipper Gore for taking a brave stand on this issue. Just between you and me, though, I just knew the bitch was nuts.


James Goltz

IDing Teens At The Movies

Attempting to shield teens from violent imagery, U.S. cinema owners agreed last week to require young people to show photo IDs when buying tickets for R-rated movies. What do you think?

Man, when I hear adults talk about carding me for a stupid movie, it makes me want to get a bunch of guns and shoot everyone at my school.


Richard Borgmann

IDing Teens At The Movies

What's wrong with a bit of the old ultra-violence? Sometimes a droog needs a good tolchock on the old gulliver, O my brothers.


Dana Wynegar

IDing Teens At The Movies

I'm just glad that when I see the South Park movie, the theater won't be filled with noisy juveniles annoying my husband and me.


Michelle Kusick

IDing Teens At The Movies

Well, you have to admit that similar measures have put an end to underage drinking.


Fred Hisle

IDing Teens At The Movies

Shit, man, this blows. I'm 43, but I don't have any ID.


Isaac Brye

IDing Teens At The Movies

There's a statute of limitations on this, right? Because I got into Stripes in 1981 when I was 12.


Steve Flores

NAACP Versus The Network

Outraged over the lack of minority representation in the new fall prime-time lineups, NAACP president Kweisi Mfume recently accused the major television networks of perpetuating "a virtual whitewash in programming."" What do you think?"

Black people are just as entitled to their own underwritten, one-dimensional characters as the rest of us.


Tami Johnson

NAACP Versus The Network

I've worked with poverty-stricken youths in inner-city homeless shelters, and if there's one thing these kids need, it's to see more blacks on TV.


Dale Gibson

NAACP Versus The Network

With the possible exception of MLK's assassination, there has been no greater setback in the struggle for racial equality than the 1996 cancellation of Homeboys In Outer Space.


Roy Bainbridge

NAACP Versus The Network

You've got to realize, there are two sides to every story. As a network exec, sure, I was criticized by the NAACP, but the NAAWP named me their Man Of The Year.


Carol Schinker

NAACP Versus The Network

I'm behind the NAACP 100 percent. Why? Because I really care about advancing colored people. Let's hear it for the coloreds!


Doug Slattery

NAACP Versus The Network

Dammit. The second you said 'Blacks on TV,' I got the theme from Martin stuck in my head. 'Mah-iiiin… Mah-iiiin.' Christ, that's annoying.


Jennifer Levy

The Death Of John-John

Killed with his wife and sister-in-law in a plane crash July 16, JFK Jr. joins a long line of Kennedys to die under tragic circumstances. What do you think about the latest calamity to befall America's first family?

It's tragic when you consider all the wasted potential. Think of all the stylish neckties he would have gone on to wear.


Elaine Foss

The Death Of John-John

Just give me a minute to collect myself and dry the tears I'm crying for America. Okay, now, who died?


Frank Cameron

The Death Of John-John

We have lost a man who forged in the smithy of his soul the uncreated conscience of his race. No, wait—that was James Joyce. JFK Jr. was that guy in People.


Rajiv Gopindar

The Death Of John-John

Christ, how long can that crazy wop Giancana stay mad?


Steve Roby

The Death Of John-John

All I can say is, thank God his wife was also in the plane, sparing us from having to endure another bony, widowed, fashionplate, pseudo-royal Jackie O figure for the next 50 years.


John Auletta

The Death Of John-John

You know, I'm gonna miss that old casket-saluting bar-flunker.


Jessica Dybzinski

Eyes Wide Cut

In order to receive an 'R' rating from the MPAA, Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut was digitally altered, with human figures added to obscure scenes of explicit sexuality. What do you think about what many film critics are condemning as censorship?

I'm glad Kubrick was forced to alter Eyes Wide Shut. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to go with my daddy.


Patrick Tidrow

Eyes Wide Cut

This kind of censorship has gotten way out of hand. I was watching Spice on pay-per-view the other night, and they didn't even include the penetration shots.


George Fisk

Eyes Wide Cut

I would have preferred to see the NC-17 version, because I really get off on graphic depictions of alienation, paranoia and betrayal.


Diane Nyman

Eyes Wide Cut

Stanley Kubrick? Didn't he direct Sammy The Way Out Seal? Oh, no, I'm thinking of Norman Tokar.


Gene Stegman

Eyes Wide Cut

I hear the original version has even more explicit footage showcasing the bare breasts of Sydney Pollack.


Bob Paciorek

Eyes Wide Cut

If depraved filth is what you want to see, rent one of those porno tapes. But if you want to see a towering, final artistic statement by a major director, then could I have the porno tape?


Ruth Fanzone

No Relief From The Heat

In the past four weeks, extreme heat has claimed the lives of more than 300 Americans. What do you think of the record temperatures gripping the nation?

Heat wave? What are you talking about? It's been exactly 68 degrees all month. Oh, you mean outside.


Peter Morales

No Relief From The Heat

The heat is on. On the street. Inside your head. In every beat. Oh-uh-whoa-oh, oh-uh-whoa-oh, caught up in the action, I'm-a lookin' out for you.


Gene Reuschel

No Relief From The Heat

They say this sort of heat leads to a rise in violent crime. Whoever said that is so fucking stupid, I'd like to smash their fucking brains out.


Danielle Kessinger

No Relief From The Heat

It gives me hope, really. It makes me want to be a better person. Oh, 'the heat'? I'm sorry, I thought you said, 'the example set by America's firemen.'


Don Hooton

No Relief From The Heat

In times like this, we need to remember the elderly. Never, ever leave a senior in the car with the windows rolled all the way up.


Isaac Stone

No Relief From The Heat

I don't see what the big deal is. I happen to enjoy walking around in air that has the temperature and consistency of dog phlegm.


Randall Fowler

The Falun Gong Show

The Chinese government recently banned Falun Gong, a 100,000-member spiritual movement denounced as "dangerous to society."" What do you think of China's crackdown on this meditation-based sect?"

Thank goodness China was able to stamp out this dangerous sitting- around- doing- nothing- but- thinking movement.


Pamela Olsen

The Falun Gong Show

The Chinese government may seem harsh to us, but at least over there, an individual worker-unit can propel itself along a transportway without fear of undue molestation.


Kaye Sollinger

The Falun Gong Show

Those meditators should be allowed to do what they want. It's a free country, you know.


Larry Lantis

The Falun Gong Show

China is cracking down on a popular quasi-New Age spiritualist? I think the U.S. should follow their example and crush that Deepak Chopra guy once and for all.


John Pellett

The Falun Gong Show

Falun Gong? Aren't those the folks who worship harmoniously arranged furniture?


Gregory Bleck

The Falun Gong Show

I'm just glad the Chinese government is finally cracking down on something.


William J. Rubin

Evolution In Our Schools

On Aug. 11 the Kansas Board of Education approved new science standards which de-emphasize the teaching of evolution. What do you think of this controversial decision?

What? You've got to be kidding me! Kansas has schools?


Annie Kaplan

Evolution In Our Schools

I don't want my kids learning none of that 'devilution' or about, um, the… 'sin bang.' Give me a minute. I can do better.


Julia Snyder-Barnes

Evolution In Our Schools

Evolution? I know it's true from personal experience. I used to be a butterfly.


Marty LaFarge

Evolution In Our Schools

Listen here. My ancestors weren't no monkey-fuckers.


Stan Crouse

Evolution In Our Schools

As a Kansan, I just ask myself, 'WWJD?' I figure he'd want to wear white button-up shirts, drink beer, cheer the Jayhawks, and set education in this state back about 100 years.


Paul Bromfield

Evolution In Our Schools

I choose to believe in the unambiguous facts yielded by astronomy, geology, paleontology, history and common sense. Forgive me, Jesus.


Wayne Caldwell

The Candidate And Cocaine

Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush continues to dodge questions about whether he has ever used cocaine or other illegal drugs. What do you think?

Bush is a good man, and I'm sure he wouldn't have done drugs unless he absolutely had to.


Paul Stankiewicz

The Candidate And Cocaine

He had access to cocaine? Man, I wish my dad was head of the CIA.


Linda Atkinson

The Candidate And Cocaine

This is the sort of thing that could cause America to lose faith in the privileged sons of the rich and powerful.


Randy Hart

The Candidate And Cocaine

A candidate who did drugs? I'm voting for him. He's sure to kick all the fat cats out of office and rule with groovy peace vibes.


Steve Loomi

The Candidate And Cocaine

I can't believe the media is making such a big deal out of this utter non-issue. When I was hanging with George back in the '70s, we did lots worse stuff than that, believe me.


Margot Penny

The Candidate And Cocaine

I just don't understand. He had the whole world at his feet. Why would he want to party on drugs?


Dan Warren

Breast Implants For Teens

According to a recent study, there has been a sharp rise in breast-implant surgery among teenage girls over the past five years. What do you think about this trend?

As a parent of a 15-year-old girl, I must speak out on this issue. You can't imagine how difficult it is to successfully raise an A- or B-cup student.


Margot Dutler

Breast Implants For Teens

It's about time these girls started paying attention to their appearance.


Lydia Cole

Breast Implants For Teens

It's better to give a young girl the implants she wants in a safe, reliable medical facility than for her to get them on the street.


Marshall Boone

Breast Implants For Teens

Our society is a victim of badly misplaced priorities. We should be focusing on our teens' sweet little asses.


Ted Ghopal

Breast Implants For Teens

I don't think breast implants for teens are a good idea. It's hard enough to have sex with them as it is.


Paul Presser

Breast Implants For Teens

Why do teenage girls need breast implants to be more popular? Can't they learn to smoke instead?


Franklin Schuitt

Trouble In East Timor

On Aug. 30, East Timor voted overwhelmingly for independence from Indonesia, sparking a pro-Jakarta militia crackdown that has left hundreds of Timorese dead and prompted U.N. officials to evacuate the island. What do you think about this rapidly deteriorating international situation?

It's a tough call. They're not as brown as Africans, but they're still pretty brown. I guess I'm leaning toward not caring.


Richard Heep

Trouble In East Timor

East Timor? Shouldn't the citizens be, you know, Timorous? Ha! Seriously, though, where is this town?


Linda Voskuil

Trouble In East Timor

This crisis won't affect production of Kmart's fall fashion line, will it?


Robert Iverson

Trouble In East Timor

As CNN's senior correspondent for the Pacific Rim, I'd just like to say, 'Hey, Noam Chomsky, look! We're finally doing a story about how oppressed East Timor is! Are you happy now?


Melissa Orr

Trouble In East Timor

The U.S. has got to step in and hold a pancake-dinner benefit for these people.


Hugh Randolph

Trouble In East Timor

Martial law? A shoot-on-sight curfew? That's pretty serious, man. I just hope all the white people get out okay.


Dan Bumbry

The Waco Cover-Up

Last week, it was revealed that in 1995, the Justice Department delivered a report to Congress without a page that referred to the FBI's use of an incendiary tear gas during its 1993 assault on the Branch Davidian compound in Waco. What do you think about this rapidly widening scandal?

C'mon, cut those FBI guys a little slack. If we held them accountable for every little cover-up conspiracy, they'd never get any firebombing done.


Rhonda Baylor

The Waco Cover-Up

Listen, the FBI had to use deadly force: Those guys in there had some sort of Messiah or something.


Bob Cabell

The Waco Cover-Up

Now that the truth has come out about the Waco cover-up, I just hope my whole Roswell-aliens-killed-Jackie-O theory is finally taken seriously.


Thomas Coggins

The Waco Cover-Up

Those ATF bastards. $3.50 a pack? That's outrageous.


Lydia Grich

The Waco Cover-Up

Why isn't there a 200-person committee spending billions of dollars to investigate this shocking scandal? What? 'Waco'? Oh, I thought you said 'blow job.'


Paul Grimsley

The Waco Cover-Up

So, Waco was a deliberate FBI slaughter of innocents all along? Looks like we all owe Timothy McVeigh a big apology.


Diane Dahm

Quaking All Over

In the past five weeks, two massive earthquakes have killed thousands in Turkey and Taiwan. What do you think about this sudden spate of pre-millennial natural disasters?

Surely this is a sign from God. It's His way of telling us that plates far below the Earth's surface are shifting on top of molten magma.


Larry Selsberg

Quaking All Over

I have no sympathy for these earthquake victims. If they didn't want to take the risk, they shouldn't have been living on the planet's surface.


Steve LaFleur

Quaking All Over

Of course all those cheap buildings fell down. Never trust anything made in Taiwan.


Judith Ambrose

Quaking All Over

In 1992, I experienced a panquake while eating at IHOP. Try as you might, you just can't put a traumatic event like that out of your mind.


Wesley Vebber

Quaking All Over

Sorry about that whole earth-moving thing. It's just that my girlfriend and I have such amazing sex.


Frederick Garden

Quaking All Over

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I have to ask: Was there anyone on the scene with an IMAX camera?


Maxine Nelson

Reform Party Follies

Among the names being thrown around as potential Reform Party presidential candidates for 2000 are Jesse Ventura, Pat Buchanan, Donald Trump, Cybill Shepherd, Ross Perot and Warren Beatty. What do you think about this wildly diverse assortment of Reform Party presidential hopefuls?

In 2000, I'm voting Reform. They have a united, cohesive platform calling for gun control, abortion rights, increased military spending, right to life, and deficit reduction.


Steve Doby

Reform Party Follies

Sure, at this stage in American political history, Cybill Shepherd might seem like a viable presidential candidate. Nevertheless, I'm still voting for Emperor Caligula's horse.


Don Walker

Reform Party Follies

America's two-party political system is a total joke. That's why I've turned to the Reform Party and Patrick Swayze.


Jim Ivins

Reform Party Follies

I dunno who I'm gonna vote for next year. I'm undecided between Pat Buchanan, Jesse Ventura, Goldberg, The Michelin Man, and that actress on that one show about the lady sheriff.


Kris Poule

Reform Party Follies

I was thinking of running as the Reform Party candidate in the 2000 election, but I realized I have to work that weekend.


Francine Eppard

Reform Party Follies

2000 seems like a good year to just stop doing this whole presidential-election thing.


Iris Roberts

The New Reagan Biography

Edmund Morris' new Reagan biography, Dutch: A Memoir Of Ronald Reagan, is drawing fire for its use of fictionalized characters and events. What do you think of this controversial "biographical novel""?"

The Reagan bio may be partly fictional, but I don't mind. That means it should correspond pretty closely with my memories of his administration.


Wendy Mattson

The New Reagan Biography

Okay, first of all, he was American, not Dutch.


Rick Hurst

The New Reagan Biography

I'm not a big fan of Reagan or his politics, but I must admit, the story of how he came to Earth from the doomed planet Krypton was pretty impressive.


Fred Boulware

The New Reagan Biography

I was pretty sure Reagan never unmade the Ring Of Power by throwing it into the cracks of Mount Doom. Then it turned out Amazon fucked up and sent me the wrong book.


Chris Kennard

The New Reagan Biography

This book is total bullshit. No American president would ever lay a memorial wreath at a Nazi cemetery.


James Holt

The New Reagan Biography

As a devoted admirer of the great Ronald Reagan, I have only one thing to say: I must be really stupid or something.


Michael Field

The Declining Crime Rate

It was announced last week that the U.S. crime rate is down for the seventh year in a row, falling to its lowest level since 1985. What do you think about this decline in American violence?

As an upper-middle-class suburbanite, I'll just have to take your word for it.


Andre Coleman

The Declining Crime Rate

I attribute this drop to the nationwide crackdown on casual marijuana users. Thank God those evil fiends are locked up.


Stephanie Wilmot

The Declining Crime Rate

Does this have anything to do with the recent reclassification of drive-by shootings as traffic violations?


Larry Brodt

The Declining Crime Rate

You know what else has been declining for seven straight years? The number of women who want to sleep with carpet salesman Larry Brodt, that's fucking what.


Elaine Holcomb

The Declining Crime Rate

Let's give credit where credit is due. Thank you, Meadowlark Lemon.


Arthur Morales

The Declining Crime Rate

Crime is down? Hey, man, don't look at me.


Bill Cardassian

Population: Six Billion

Last month, the world's population reached the six-billion mark. What do you think of this landmark?

Decades ago, those guys in Zero Population Growth said the planet was critically overpopulated at 3.5 billion. Guess that shows them.


Carl Turner

Population: Six Billion

At least we humans are doing a better job than those ants.


Ben Magadan

Population: Six Billion

Thank God. I was wondering how we were going to staff all those new Old Navys, Targets and Barnes & Nobles.


Alexander Ormond

Population: Six Billion

Six billion? And you know where all of them are? In the goddamn checkout line in front of me, that's where.


Jill Eppard

Population: Six Billion

And of those six billion, only 10, maybe 11 tops, are cool.


Felicia Mott

Population: Six Billion

Nothing is more precious than teeming, overpopulated, resource-destroying human life.


Janice Hough

Talking Air Safety

Several recent high-profile plane crashes, including an Oct. 31 EgyptAir disaster that claimed 217 lives, have once again caused airline safety to come into question. What do you think?

I feel we should all make airline safety a top priority, devoting as much attention to it as possible for two or three weeks after every major crash.


Robert Christopher

Talking Air Safety

Actually, air travel is still safer than driving, especially if you need to go to Europe or Asia.


Marlon Tompkins

Talking Air Safety

When I think of the people lost in this latest tragedy over the Atlantic, I can't help but ask: Why didn't they use their seat cushions as a flotation device? Why?


Kenny Eccles

Talking Air Safety

How's about they have some kind of spare plane on board in case anything happens to the regular plane?


Iris Fallon

Talking Air Safety

I stopped flying on commercial jets when I discovered that there's something else that has wings: my imagination.


Daniel Foti

Talking Air Safety

Sorry about that EgyptAir thing, but those planes take fuckin' hours to inspect, and, well, I got a social life, you know.


Teresa Bossy

Banning ATM Fees

On Nov. 2, voters in San Francisco and Santa Monica approved ordinances banning banks from charging ATM fees to non-customers. In response, several banks in the cities blocked non-customers from using their cash machines. What do you think?

I don't think it's right for a business to charge money for a service it provides.


Paul Goring

Banning ATM Fees

ATM fees? Who cares? As a Californian, the issue I'm most concerned about is where I can get a reasonably priced mocha enema.


Michael Gillies

Banning ATM Fees

That little man inside the machine who has to process the orders and stick the money through the slot deserves that $1 tip.


William Merrick

Banning ATM Fees

What do you mean fees? I thought Bank of America was making my money work for me!


Ron Langevin

Banning ATM Fees


Diana Melanson

Banning ATM Fees

Eliminating ATM fees is only the beginning. The struggle for justice will not truly be over until money materializes directly into people's hands.


Stanley Gibson

Trying Children As Adults

Last week, a Michigan jury convicted a 13-year-old boy of second-degree murder for a crime he committed as an 11-year-old. What do you think of the growing legal trend of trying children as adults?

As a federal judge and longtime closet pederast, I am strongly in favor of trying 11-year-olds as adults.


Liz Strunck

Trying Children As Adults

I hope the adult courts have some of those plastic booster chairs.


Hannah Leigh

Trying Children As Adults

I do not believe minors should be allowed to shoot people, nor do I believe their victims should be allowed to die.


John Roble

Trying Children As Adults

Come on, people, didn't any of you go through a rebellious homicidal phase during adolescence? You grow out of it.


Bill Buchanan

Trying Children As Adults

I believe the children are our future: nasty, brutish and short.


Daniel Doering

Trying Children As Adults

Children should face the same consequences as adults for committing murder: four years in a federal penitentiary.


Lorraine Kiel

Prescription-Drug Prices

Prescription-drug prices are expected to be a major issue in the 2000 presidential campaign, with most drugs costing substantially more in the U.S. than overseas. What do you think about the high cost of medication in America?

Actually, that's not entirely true: Kessler's Drugs is having a big sale on Tetracycline this week. There's a coupon in the Sunday Shopper.


Keith Fowler

Prescription-Drug Prices

I blame women for the high prices. They're always needing some fancy pill for their box or for lumps in the rack or something.


Walter Moore

Prescription-Drug Prices

As the CEO of a major pharmaceutical firm, I can assure you that those high prices are necessary to cover the extraordinary cost of membership dues and green fees.


Liz Putnam

Prescription-Drug Prices

I think what's getting lost in this whole debate is this: Taking drugs is wrong.


Rajeev Gopindar

Prescription-Drug Prices

That reminds me: Do you have $217 I can borrow? I don't have insurance, and I need something to stop all this ocular bleeding.


Bob Sharperson

Prescription-Drug Prices

Maybe it's good that I can't afford anti- psychotic medication. It frees me up to plan the assassination of Deputy Dawg.


Patrice Thomas

Pregame Prayer

Citing separation of church and state, a Texas judge recently banned students at a Galveston high school from praying before home football games. The case is being appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. What do you think about pregame prayer?

Football players need to learn to rely on their skills as athletes, not on the aid of omnipotent deities.


Jeanette Loesser

Pregame Prayer

So these people want to pray? Before a football game? In Texas? Hmm… something here just doesn't add up.


Kevin Whittaker

Pregame Prayer

But what if both teams pray to God for help? That's just putting the Lord in a really awkward position, if you ask me.


Victor Davis

Pregame Prayer

I think it's fine, as long as it's Christian prayers. Anything else is un-American.


Omar Tulin

Pregame Prayer

Jesus will lead the Fitchburg Spartans to victory, just as surely as He made me not gay.


Andre Simmons

Pregame Prayer

Before all of my son's football games, I say a little prayer that he won't fuck up and that I won't have to beat him for it lat


Garnett Baker

The Little Cuban Boy

Elian Gonzalez, a 6-year-old Cuban boy, is the subject of a bitter international custody battle. Found at sea on Nov. 25, two days after his mother drowned with 10 others in an ill-fated attempt to flee Cuba for the U.S., the boy is currently living with relatives in Miami. His father, who lives in the Cuban town of Cardenas, has demanded his return. What do you think?

We can't let this child come under the sway of an isolationist, tyrannical state led by a self-obsessed sociopath. By all means, send him back to Cuba.


Donna Keegan

The Little Cuban Boy

Elian should be allowed to stay. It would be good for Miami to get a little splash of Cuban culture.


Michael Teague

The Little Cuban Boy

This calls for the wisdom of Solomon, who threatened to cut a young boy in half. Of course, that's just a myth, but with modern medical technology, we could actually make it work.


Todd Thomas

The Little Cuban Boy

First them Cubans take away our jobs, then they try to take away our immigrants. I say send 'em all back to Cuba! Could you repeat the question?


Wesley Pierce

The Little Cuban Boy

We can't send him back there. They fry bananas, for God's sake.


Linda Petruso

The Little Cuban Boy

Political considerations should not play a role in the life of a little boy who is a clear publicity tool in a politically motivated international public-relations dispute.


Dorothy Corson

Homelessness Crackdown

In addition to New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's controversial order for arrests of the homeless, many city officials are passing legislation to address the growing problem of homelessness. What do you think about these so-called anti-homelessness laws?

In this day and age, people shouldn't be living in the streets. They should be down in the subway tunnels where we don't have to look at them.


John Metcalfe

Homelessness Crackdown

Hey, I bought my Comic Relief sweatshirt. If you're still homeless, it's your own goddamn fault.


Thomas Canby

Homelessness Crackdown

I don't think them as anti-homelessness laws. I think of them as pro-homeowner laws.


George Crossette

Homelessness Crackdown

Thank God we've finally stopped looking at the causes of this terrible social problem and started focusing on the symptoms.


Julie Billard

Homelessness Crackdown

The fact is that most of the homeless aren't 'just lazy' or even simply unemployed—they're under the effects of CIA mind-control satellites which speak to them through street dogs.


Andy Poggenpohl

Homelessness Crackdown

Three cheers for Mayor Giuliani! Get those bums off the street! What? I wasn't loitering, Officer. I was just answering the reporter's question. Hey, let go! Aagh!


insulted Asians and single mothers

Off His Rocker?

In a recent Sports Illustrated article, Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker called a Latin-American teammate "a fat monkey

and said he would never play for a New York team because he didn't want to ride a subway ""next to some queer with AIDS."" As a result

baseball commissioner Bud Selig ordered Rocker to undergo psychological testing. What do you think?"

Why do we crucify the one man brave enough to speak out against the raging epidemic of ethnic diversity in America?


Off His Rocker?

Me come to America to take away good jobs and buy beautiful white womans. Why he so mad?


Off His Rocker?

If I hated blacks and Hispanics, I'd definitely go into baseball.


Off His Rocker?

I can't believe an organization like the Atlanta Braves would be associated with racism. It almost makes me ashamed to do the Tomahawk Chop.


Off His Rocker?

This Rocker affair is not unprecedented. In 1910, Ty Cobb underwent psychological testing after using the word 'nigger.' Luckily, he was able to get the help he needed in time.


Off His Rocker?

It makes sense that John Rocker would be shocked by the sight of blacks and unwed mothers with multiple children, being from Georgia and all.


Jesse Lee Willis

Confederate-Flag Controversy

On Jan. 17, more than 47,000 people marched on South Carolina's Statehouse to protest the flying of the Confederate flag over the capitol dome. What do you think about the presence of what many consider an emblem of slavery?

As a Southerner, I simply want to display the Confederate flag as an important symbol of my heritage and history. My hatred of niggers has nothing to do with it.


Anthony Banks

Confederate-Flag Controversy

Hasn't South Carolina learned anything since the days of the Civil War? On second thought, I think I'd rather not know the answer to that question.


Denise Schourek

Confederate-Flag Controversy

If they can still fly the Nazi flag over the capitol in Berlin, South Carolina should have the right to fly the Stars and Bars. What? When did that happen?


Oscar Haney

Confederate-Flag Controversy

It is unconscionable that, in this day and age, that ugly symbol of racism is painted on the roof of the General Lee. Sheriff Roscoe should teach them Duke boys a lesson.


Knox Williams

Confederate-Flag Controversy

I'm from the South, my daddy's from the South, and my daddy's daddy's from the South. All three of us are from the South.


Irene Lewis

Confederate-Flag Controversy

If I were a citizen of South Carolina, I'd be deeply ashamed. Now, what's this about a flag?


Dennis Walker

The War In Chechnya

During last week's State Of The Union Address, President Clinton called upon Russia to pull out of Chechnya, where, for the past six months, war has raged between Russia and a band of Chechen rebels. What do you think about this worsening international crisis?

The U.S. should waste no time in condemning General Mashimkov's brutal occupation of the city of Plovsk in the Chechen province of Azgakasban. Okay, I made that up.


Isaac Roth

The War In Chechnya

Who cares about some stupid little war way off in the Caucasus Mountains? Hey, wait… Those people are Caucasians! The U.S. must send in troops at once!


Pat Eisenreich

The War In Chechnya

I feel close to this issue on a personal level, as I have a next-door neighbor who is from a country I've never heard of and don't care about.


Lee Wooton

The War In Chechnya

I need George Orwell to break this down into livestock terms for me.


Jennifer Huhn

The War In Chechnya

Chechnya? So much is said about these itinerant mountain goatherders who rebelled against Russia, but little is ever mentioned of the innocent goats, caught in the crossfire.


Jane Mortman

The War In Chechnya

I'm sorry. I can't think of the situation clearly without that 'I feel like Chechen tonight, like Chechen tonight!' song going through my head.


Tom Reuschel

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

The Treasury Department recently issued a new $1 Sacajawea coin, which is only available at banks and Wal-Mart. What do you think about the government making Wal-Mart an exclusive outlet for U.S. currency?

That's convenient for me, because there's a Wal-Mart right near the Burger King where I pick up my mail.


Marlon Witherspoon

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

This streamlines the circulation process by starting off U.S. currency in the place it's all eventually spent.


George Giroux

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

It seems appropriate, as Sacajawea was instrumental in opening up the West to competition-crushing retail chain stores.


Danielle Voss

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

I just got the exact same Sacajawea coin over at Target for 89 cents.


Tina Ormond

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart's selling Sacajawea coins? Say, that reminds me, I need a new answering machine and some garbage bags.


Omar Sandiq

The Bank Of Wal-Mart

What better way to honor this great Native American than to restrict her movement to a handful of small, white-controlled locations?


Ben Manwell

Too Sexy Too Soon?

A new wave of sultry teen pop princesses, including Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, are drawing fire from concerned parents, who say they present inappropriately sexualized images to little girls who look up to them. What do you think?

I think it's terrible when 16-year-old girls dress up in belly-baring tank tops and tight little skirts. I hate those jailbait cock-teasers.


Jerome Koepp

Too Sexy Too Soon?

Teenagers shouldn't have constant access to sexual images on MTV. They should jerk off to nudie magazines hidden under their mattresses like a normal person.


James Reul

Too Sexy Too Soon?

When I was a teen, things weren't like they are today. We had to use our imaginations to picture Petula Clark naked.


Janet Schnorr

Too Sexy Too Soon?

These teen singers send young girls the message that if they dress and act provocatively, they will meet with approval from males and go further in life. How ridiculous.


John Arvold

Too Sexy Too Soon?

It was entirely inappropriate for Britney Spears to wear that see-through Catholic schoolgirl outfit in my masturbation fantasy last night.


Lynn Phelan

Too Sexy Too Soon?

Kids aren't growing up too fast. My 10-year-old daughter loves Britney Spears, and I trust her not to go all the way with her live-in boyfriend.


Victoria North

Negative Campaigning

Negative campaigning has emerged as a major issue in the presidential primaries, particularly on the Republican side, where George W. Bush and John McCain have accused each other of resorting to the tactic. What do you think?

Why can't these candidates focus on all the good things their opponents do?


Batat Primpang

Negative Campaigning

The candidates in my country don't use negative campaigning to win votes. They use negative reinforcement. Ow, my testicles.


Patti Eggers

Negative Campaigning

It's not negative campaigning if you're just criticizing your opponent's criticism of your criticism of their criticism of you.


Jeff Corcoran

Negative Campaigning

I saw this one ad that said McCain's a weak pussy who let the gooks capture him.


Marlon Brackens

Negative Campaigning

George W. Bush says he's committed to education. But as governor of Texas, he cut school budgets by 30 percent. Nice try, George. You almost fooled us this time. George Bush: Bad for our children, bad for America.


George Lowell

Negative Campaigning

If you ask me, these cheap, mudslinging ads drag the political process down to a level so juvenile and debased, I can actually understand it.


Samantha Krauss

Violence On Ice

On Feb. 21, Boston Bruins defenseman Marty McSorley was suspended for the rest of the season for a savage stick hit to the head of Vancouver Canucks left winger Donald Brashear. What do you think of this latest incident of NHL violence and the possibility of criminal prosecution?

Hockey players need to learn to sit down and work through their differences through improved communication. That's the premise of my new book, Penguins Are From Pittsburgh, Oilers Are From Edmonton.


Ed Wyler

Violence On Ice

Man, I'd hate to do time in one of them Canadian prisons. I've heard some scary stuff.


Doug Rohm

Violence On Ice

I hit someone in the face with a stick at Wal-Mart yesterday, and the greeters had me in the cart corral for 10 minutes.


Donna Winters

Violence On Ice

Wasn't Brashear cushioned from the blow by his long, flowing mane of hockey hair?


Sam Schneider

Violence On Ice

I can't believe the police would want to get involved just because a man intentionally hit another man with a blunt object with the intent to cause great bodily harm.


Bruce Thomas

Violence On Ice

This sort of violence will stop once the players realize how much it displeases the fans.


Michell Ness

The Diallo Verdict

On Feb. 25, four NYPD officers were acquitted in the shooting of Amadou Diallo, a West African immigrant who died a year ago when he was shot 19 times after police mistook his wallet for a gun. What do you think of this controversial acquittal?

If Diallo was so innocent, why was he taking his wallet out of his pocket? Huh? Huh? Answer me that.


Irene Pollack

The Diallo Verdict

What were those cops supposed to do? Draw their guns without firing and repeat their verbal warning?


Tina Botte

The Diallo Verdict

You have to understand, there's no time to reflect when you have to make a split-second decision whether to fire 41 times.


Richard Lefkowitz

The Diallo Verdict

People are so misinformed about this case that they're missing the most important point: Amadou Diallo will never kill again.


Marcus Torrance

The Diallo Verdict

This is symptomatic of a much larger societal problem: the growing reliance of U.S. wallet manufacturers on gun-shaped designs.


Mel Soonachian

The Diallo Verdict

Give those cops a break. It's not like they sodomized the guy with a mop handle or anything.


Todd Pollack

Flooding In Mozambique

Four weeks of severe flooding have left untold thousands dead and 240,000 homeless in Mozambique, with still more rain expected. What do you think of this dire international situation?

First, we have to bail out the Africans because they don't have enough water. Now, it's because they have too much. Which is it, folks?


Mark Schor

Flooding In Mozambique

It's awful what's happening over there. We should start bombing as soon as possible.


Brian Waller

Flooding In Mozambique

Mozambique, Mozambique, Mozambique. All you ever hear about in the news is Mozambique.


Bobbie Alexander

Flooding In Mozambique

I just hope Paul Simon was airlifted to safety in time.


Lynne Allen

Flooding In Mozambique

It seems like wherever those Doctors Without Borders go, trouble crops up.


Scott Groginsky

Flooding In Mozambique

Oh, those brown people. What will they get themselves into next?


Wallace Carter

Clinton Vs. The NRA

In recent weeks, President Clinton and the National Rifle Association have been at war over the issue of gun control. What do you think?

Guns don't kill people; guns are designed and manufactured for the purpose of enabling people to use the guns to kill people.


Lonald Molitor

Clinton Vs. The NRA

Gun control? Oh, great. Now how am I going to well-regulate my militia?


Tami Kerst

Clinton Vs. The NRA

People wouldn't need guns if the government finally enacted some laws that get tough on deer.


Tom Estades

Clinton Vs. The NRA

Obviously, the president has never been captured by super-intelligent apes, or he'd feel differently about the importance of guns.


Francine Vanhandel

Clinton Vs. The NRA

What a coincidence that Clinton is trying to pass sweeping new gun-control legislation in an election year.


Dennie Decker

Clinton Vs. The NRA

As usual, the Democrats are manipulating the liberal media in a calculated bid to take away my fire stick. Unggh! Want fire stick!


Irwin Wagner

The Ten Commandments

Legislatures in 12 states have taken measures this year to permit the display of the Ten Commandments in public schools and buildings. What do you think about this challenge to the separation of church and state?

It's about time our nation's educators took steps to address the rampant problem of false-witness-bearing among our nation's youths.


Frank Boggs

The Ten Commandments

I'm all for showing The Ten Commandments in public buildings. Have you seen it? Edward G. Robinson is hilarious.


Bill Murvin

The Ten Commandments

I'm opposed to the Ten Commandments being posted at my county's courthouse. The decision of whether or not to kill should be left up to the individual.


Heidi Mancuso

The Ten Commandments

The Ten Commandments should be posted in all courtrooms. And the U.S. Constitution should be glued onto Jesus' chest in every church in America.


Judith Cole

The Ten Commandments

Today's children need guidance. And nothing gets a bigger response out of kids than a list of rules hung on a wall.


Brian Froehm

The Ten Commandments

Sure, I think they should be posted in my high school. Only, they should add an 11th Commandment that says, 'Thou shalt not be such a fuckin' pussy, Jeff Pleisner.' Because Jeff Pleisner is such a fuckin' pussy.


Ron Burkett

Wall Street's Wild Ride

The Dow and Nasdaq have been extremely volatile of late, plunging one minute and soaring the next. What do you think of all the wild fluctuations on Wall Street?

This affects me greatly, as all my money is in the technology sector. Specifically, it's in the Soul Calibur machine at the laundromat.


Linda Irving

Wall Street's Wild Ride

So people finally figured out that all that money in Internet stocks is largely imaginary, and that sent the market plummeting? Gee, better not tell them about banks.


Shelley Nunez

Wall Street's Wild Ride

If we go into another recession, does that mean a bunch of stockbrokers will kill themselves like in the '80s? Because that was great.


Rick Munz

Wall Street's Wild Ride

Could I have a different question that I even remotely relate to?


Melvin Nickerson

Wall Street's Wild Ride

As an economist, I'll try my best to put the current Wall Street situation in layman's terms: Why, look who's here–it's silly old Mr. Bear! Grr! Roar! Run, Mr. Bull, run!


Edwin Rousch

Wall Street's Wild Ride

The dip was just a brief aberration. In fact, we can look forward to 30, 40 years of steady growth, until the world's resources are depleted and mankind is plunged into a new Dark Age of abject want and barbarism.


John Doby

The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

Leonardo DiCaprio recently conducted an interview with President Clinton for ABC. The interview, slated to air April 22, has outraged ABC News journalists, who are calling it inappropriate and an insult to their profession. What do you think?

Leo plus hunky U.S. helmer equals boffo Nielsens, sez net exec! Why, no, I don't write for Variety–I'm ABC's Washington bureau chief.


George Liddell

The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

It's gonna turn my stomach to see DiCaprio mugging for the camera, asking softball questions, and blindly accepting any answer he gets, just like a real White House correspondent.


Harriet Isaacs

The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

I don't recall this sort of uproar when David Soul interviewed Jimmy Carter. Or was it Paul Michael Glaser?


Jesse Taymor

The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

I'll watch only if Leo conducts the interview as the guy he played in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.


Dana Levin

The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

I was fine with the first seven years of the Clinton presidency, but lately, it's just degenerated into a shallow media circus.


Duane Derricks

The Clinton-DiCaprio Summit

Leonardo DiCaprio is interviewing the president? This year, I think I'll take my vacation in one of those countries that has millions of land mines strewn about.


Reggie Bey

Third World Debt Relief

An estimated 10,000 people descended upon World Bank and IMF meetings in Washington last week, demanding debt relief for impoverished Third World nations. What do you think?

No fucking way we should let them off the hook–I want back those 80 bucks I lent Honduras.


Lee Doane

Third World Debt Relief

Damn. I wish I had known about this debt-relief argument when Ferndale State Bank repossessed my Ski-Doo.


Jennifer Sims

Third World Debt Relief

I'm doing my part to relieve Third World debt: I always order the Botswana Breakfast Blend at Starbucks.


June Ritchie

Third World Debt Relief

I can't believe these Third World nations think they can just rack up all these international debts and never be expected to pay them back. The U.S. could never get away with something like that.


Fred Singletary

Third World Debt Relief

I agree with the EMF protesters. The musical atrocities committed by this early-'90s British dance-rock quintet are truly unbelievable.


Jim Palmer

Third World Debt Relief

With World Bank rates at an all-time high, it makes more sense than ever for Africa to consolidate its debt with a treasury certificate from 1-800-LOAN-YES. Hi, I'm Hall Of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer.


Linda Leone

Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

Last week, Vermont became the first state to legally recognize same-sex marriages. What do you think about this historic legislation?

At long last, Ben will be able to make an honest man of Jerry.


Risa More

Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is only going to take weddings to another opulent level.


Richard Westlake

Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

I suppose it's okay for homosexuals to marry–so long as they don't marry each other, of course.


Hal Iorg

Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

Shit. Now Mom will really step up the pressure on me and my leather slave to finally tie the knot.


George Lewis

Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

First, the military, now marriage. Why do these gays want in on our worst institutions?


Frank Brodhagen

Vermont OKs Gay Marriage

Homosexuals are just trying to make their sodomy as morally acceptable as the sodomy I enjoy in my church-sanctioned marriage.


Richard Eisling

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

On May 5, federal agents removed 216 protesters who had been occupying a Vieques Island bombing range used for target practice by the U.S. Navy. What do you think of the Navy's use of this tiny Puerto Rican island for bombing exercises?

A bunch of Puerto Ricans are getting bombed somewhere? Shit, man, tell me something I don't know.


Ken Longchamps

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

Puerto Rico's never going to achieve U.S. statehood if this is how they're gonna act.


George Hall

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

Maybe the U.S. would listen to the protesters if they didn't speak in that incomprehensible gibberish.


Ellen Dawes

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

The Navy's bombing Puerto Vallarta? That blasted Stubing! Will that bloodthirsty madman stop at nothing?


Gina Fasso

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

The prophetic vision of Stephen Sondheim has come to pass, as the world braces for a dramatic showdown between the Puerto Ricans and the jets.


Nate Nestor

Vieques And The U.S. Navy

My God, we could be looking at another Cuban Missile Crisis here. Except we have all the weapons, and nobody's worried.


Lisa DeVarona

Breast-Implant Dangers

Last week, the FDA ruled that the two leading brands of saline breast implants are safe enough to stay on the market despite "relatively high"" risks of complications such as pain or leaking. What do you think about the controversial approval?"

I still have some reservations about saline implants. I think I'll just get one and see how I like it.


Nate Combs

Breast-Implant Dangers

Speaking as a medical professional well-acquainted with the dangers of cosmetic surgery, I likes big ol' titties.


Tom Grunwold

Breast-Implant Dangers

Women should be free to do with their bodies whatever men want.


Judith Criss

Breast-Implant Dangers

We sure have come a long way from the days when our ancestors carved breast implants from antler and horn.


Ben Dracht

Breast-Implant Dangers

I paid $8,000 for breast implants for my wife, only to have her romanced away from me by the enigmatic Latin lover El Macho. Curse you, El Macho!


Larry Yates

Breast-Implant Dangers

Maybe if those stupid bitches had any self-esteem, they wouldn't need implants. Whores.


Bill Fordice

Rudy Drops Out

Last Friday, Rudolph Giuliani shook up the New York Senate race when he announced that he would not run against Hillary Clinton due to his recently diagnosed prostate cancer. What do you think about the decision?

As a strong Giuliani supporter, I'm disappointed to see him quit just because he got ball cancer.


Richard Bottrell

Rudy Drops Out

That's one senate seat I wouldn't want. It's gonna smell all Moynihanny for years.


Todd Kinnard

Rudy Drops Out

I guess this means I'll have to scrap my outrageous Capitol Steps send-up, 'Rudolph The Hard-Nosed Committee Chair.'


Liz Green

Rudy Drops Out

As a New Yorker, I don't think someone should run for our senate seat unless they actually live in New York. Specifically Manhattan. On the Upper East Side. In the mid-80s. Above the 30th floor. In a corner apartment.


Hector Ramirez

Rudy Drops Out

Madre de Dios! Jewel y Yanni tienen cáncer?


Linda Langevin

Rudy Drops Out

Mess with Hillary, get cancer. That's the kind of tough representation I want in Washington.


Ahmed al Assan

Federal Security Breaches

Last week, it was reported that federal investigators carrying fake law-enforcement credentials were able to penetrate security at 21 government buildings, including the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. What do you think about these alarming security breaches?

As a terrorist, I say the public release of this report detailing specific security flaws in key federal buildings is a positive first step.


Mike Hoyle

Federal Security Breaches

I was once able to infiltrate security at an exclusive Miami beach club by posing as a Federal Bikini Inspector.


Todd Cudahy

Federal Security Breaches

This report is just another excuse by Big Brother in Washington to curb our personal liberties and create a police state to, uh, to… whoa, man, I am so baked.


Carol Christiansen

Federal Security Breaches

I bet I could be an FBI agent. No, wait–not 'be,' 'kill.'


Max Arledge

Federal Security Breaches

Federal security's not as bad as they say. I haven't gotten into the Lincoln Bedroom yet.


Denise Petry

Federal Security Breaches

The government hasn't been secure since Nancy Reagan took away its little blue blankie back in 1984.


Benjamin Ryback

MIA Remains In North Korea

U.S. and North Korean officials are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss efforts to recover the remains of 8,000 American soldiers missing in action in the Korean War. What do you think?

I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want those remains back. Have you seen that shit? It's nasty.


Jennifer Teague

MIA Remains In North Korea

Did someone check the bathroom for those missing soldiers? Because my grandpa is a Korean War vet, and that's where we always find him.


Carol Clark

MIA Remains In North Korea

Finally, I'll be able to be at peace when the bone shards and crushed skull of my loved one, gunned down in the prime of his life, are returned to me.


Davis Franklin

MIA Remains In North Korea

How can we worry about Korea when there are still bodies missing from the Punic Wars?


Robert Dorner

MIA Remains In North Korea

Know who else is apparently missing in action? My waitress. I ordered those goddamn wings almost 15 minutes ago.


Don Oberkfell

MIA Remains In North Korea

We must get the MIAs back alive. Failing that, we must get back their remains. Failing that, we must get back their droppings.


Cindy Greenwood

Wall Street And The Mob

Last week, the FBI arrested 120 members of New York crime families, breaking up a massive securities scam that combined old-school Mob violence with high-tech Internet fraud. What do you think of organized crime's foray into Wall Street?

I kind of expected more from the Gambinos than sitting at home, bilking old ladies out of their stock portfolios on a blueberry iMac.


Rudolph Lambert

Wall Street And The Mob

It's about time they nailed Sammy 'Double Click' Luchese and the whole Dotcommicia crime syndicate.


John Furness

Wall Street And The Mob

All those pork bellies in my bed are finally starting to make sense.


Bill Greene

Wall Street And The Mob

Now I see why that big guy in the pinstripe suit came by my office, saying how it'd be a real shame if a sudden interest-rate hike led to investor wariness, precipitating a sell-off in S&P 500 futures.


Lawrence Ham

Wall Street And The Mob

Well, my broker is E.F. Hutton, and E.F. Hutton had better not say a goddamn word.


Pamela Kolb

Wall Street And The Mob

Great. Just when I thought I'd finally gotten caught up on my 21st-century neologisms, I gotta start worrying about the eMafia.


Larry Barnett

The Dot-Com Fallout

The darlings of Wall Street until March of this year, dot-com companies have fallen on hard times, with countless Internet businesses going belly-up or seeing their market value plummet. What do you think of the struggles of the New Economy?

You mean I can no longer expect to enjoy a grossly overinflated market cap for my unprofitable, $200-million-in-debt Internet start-up? That's not fair!


Lisa Spizer

The Dot-Com Fallout

Oh, no! I could cyberlose e-millions of virtual dollars and end up in thepoorhouse.com!


Bill Vander Heyden

The Dot-Com Fallout

Dot-com is so 1999. I'm putting all my money into dot-org stocks.


Ted Singerle

The Dot-Com Fallout

I met my wife on the Internet, and she's been going way down in value lately.


Irene Rudden

The Dot-Com Fallout

So maybe enthusiasm for the commercial viability of the Internet is waning. But I defy you to find a better medium in which to have tea with Hello Kitty.


Ned Huang

The Dot-Com Fallout

Looks like yet another megatrend has come and gone without affecting me in any way whatsoever.


Edward Tahim

America's Air-Traffic Jam

Despite FAA efforts to improve the nation's air-traffic-control system, flight delays and cancellations are at an all-time high. What do you think of this steadily worsening problem?

I don't mind the delays, but sometimes I wish the ticket-counter employees wouldn't openly laugh at me while throwing rocks at my head.


Denise Bianchi

America's Air-Traffic Jam

I like spending extra time at the airport. It gives me a chance to shop for Dean Koontz novels.


Pete Dermer

America's Air-Traffic Jam

Maybe if the pilots honked their horns, that'd get things moving.


Bob Jansen

America's Air-Traffic Jam

As a pilot, I sometimes have to deal with passengers' complaints when we take off late. But then I usually run 'em through a bit of turbulence, and they shut up real fast.


Fred Jaeger

America's Air-Traffic Jam

My flight got delayed, and I had to take an economy-class seat like a chump. Me, a Century 21 regional manager!


Hannah Bouganim

America's Air-Traffic Jam

I'm so fed up with the airline industry's delays and cancellations, I'm going to complain to my friends.


Bill Ready

The Concorde Crash

On July 25, an Air France Concorde crashed during takeoff near Paris, killing 113 people, including 96 Germans. What do you think of this first-ever crash of the supersonic jet?

Man, that's more Germans than the French killed in WWII.


Jill Connelly

The Concorde Crash

They still have those Concordes? That's so cute. I thought they went the way of Evel Knievel's X-1 Skycycle.


Lynn Innis

The Concorde Crash

I almost took that doomed Air France Concorde flight. Thank God, though, I chose instead to fly on Le Jette de Valu.


Michael Kipp

The Concorde Crash

I took the Concorde from New York to London in the early '90s, and it wasn't all that great. Macaulay Culkin kept kicking my seat.


Robert Coleman

The Concorde Crash

Man was not meant to break the sound barrier, and now we are paying mightily for our hubris.


Doug Dyer

The Concorde Crash

I once crashed my dad's Chrysler Concorde, but I only killed, like, four people.


Felicia Noonan

Bush Takes The Lead

Gaining steam after last week's Republican National Convention, presidential candidate George W. Bush enjoys a strong lead over Al Gore in the polls. What do you think about his recent surge?

Unless Gore can somehow manage to appear on TV before Election Day, Bush would appear to have this thing wrapped.


Pete Walker

Bush Takes The Lead

The Republican convention may have boosted Bush's standing, but some credit must go to his website, www.hot-bush.gov.


Rob Weatherspoon

Bush Takes The Lead

I usually vote Democrat. On the other hand, that was a lot of confetti they dropped on Bush.


Denny Young

Bush Takes The Lead

I was in Philadelphia for RepubCon 2000, and I got this awesome limited-edition Dick Cheney latex mask.


Tina Devane

Bush Takes The Lead

I just ate breakfast, and I'm now voting for Cap'n Crunch.


Richard Baer

Bush Takes The Lead

Politics today are so corrupt. Whoever raises the most money wins. Well, the American people are fed up, and they will make their disgust known by voting either for George W. Bush or Al Gore.


Danielle Sisler

Albert's Choice

The Democratic National Convention is underway, and much of the focus is on Al Gore's running mate, Joseph Lieberman, an Orthodox Jew. What do you think of the prospect of a Jewish vice-president?

It's hard to imagine the possibility of a Jew in a position of power and influence.


Sarah Slocombe

Albert's Choice

Aren't we all jumping to conclusions here? Just because his name is Lieberman doesn't mean he's Jewish.


Nate Robinson

Albert's Choice

If the Jews want one of their own in the White House, why are they going through all these non-devious, above-ground channels?


Paul Zygmund

Albert's Choice

A Jew in the White House? He's gonna start passing all sorts of crazy measures, like, 'The American people should eat something, already.'


Bob MacTaggart

Albert's Choice

So instead of just Jew York, we gonna have Jew everything? Jew Mexico, Jew Orleans, and Jewisville, Kiketucky? And I ain't bass fishin' on no Lake Jewperior.


Frederick Hutch

Albert's Choice

I got nothin' against the Jews, but let me put it this way: Would you want your daughter to nominate one for vice-president? I rest my case.


Greg Dunnert

High-School Drug Testing

A Texas high school is under fire for a plan to subject students to random drug tests. What do you think of the idea of high-school drug tests?

American high schools are doing a fine job without subjecting its students to oppressive drug tests. What is this, the USFR?


Rachel Kinnard

High-School Drug Testing

We must have drug testing in schools, as our children are our greatest resource. Well, second greatest, after cobalt.


Vance Walker

High-School Drug Testing

At least it's constitutional for Texas high-school students to pray that they pass their drug tests.


Matthew Robles

High-School Drug Testing

Isn't there some sort of medication we can prescribe kids to make them stop doing drugs?


Linda DeMuth

High-School Drug Testing

So many kids are dying from marijuana overdoses, we had to do something.


Chad Liman

High-School Drug Testing

Man, if they do that, I'm gonna take so many drugs that their, like, drug machine will blow the fuck up.


Richard Brunsell

India Closing In On China

With a population of one billion and a birth rate nearly double that of China, India is on pace to become the world's most populous nation within the next few years. What do you think about this rapidly approaching demographic milestone?

I see they're having about as much luck with the ejaculation-denying tantric sex as I am.


Ray Muncie

India Closing In On China

As president of Schwinn, I couldn't be happier.


Bill Gehry

India Closing In On China

They seem to be a peaceful people, but we should probably send over a few guys in pith helmets and muttonchops just to keep an eye on things.


Tina Tisch

India Closing In On China

Excuse me, but the proper term is 'Native Americans.'