Bill Coyne

Dogs Originated In Middle East

Now all I have to do is fill in about 20,000 years of genealogy and I'll have a complete pedigree for my boxer, Raymond.


Sara Mirk

Chrysler To Release Electric Car

Starting in 2012, struggling auto manufacturer Chrysler will produce an electric car, the Fiat 500 EV. What do you think?

While I appreciate the idea of a fully electric car, I'm worried that I'll squeeze the trigger too hard as I round a curve and send the damn thing flying out of the groove.


Tyler Kukoda

Chrysler To Release Electric Car

It'll have a horn, right? Because I want to be able to honk at my neighbor.


Mark West

Chrysler To Release Electric Car

How am I supposed to scrounge up $1.43 if I can't wander around with a gas can and a good story?


Darnell Schwartz

Universal Slashes CD Prices

Hoping to revive moribund sales, Universal Music Group is dropping the price of most new CDs to $10 or less. What do you think?

CDs, cool. One of those came with the last Fleet Foxes 45 I bought.


Douglas Yauch

Universal Slashes CD Prices

I think a more realistic way for Universal to increase CD sales would be to develop some kind of device that erases the memories of everybody on earth so that no one realizes the Internet still exists.


Taylor Diamond

Universal Slashes CD Prices

Right on. I can't wait to buy the next album from Universal.


Jennifer Buckley

Last Supper Meals Getting Larger

A study of 52 depictions of the Last Supper—the final meal Jesus ate with his disciples before he was crucified—found that food portions in the paintings have grown 69 percent over the past millennium. What do you think?

I know. Don't get me started on those Baroque artists. Oink, oink, oink.


Eric Hanas

Last Supper Meals Getting Larger

Great, here comes another shitty Dan Brown novel.


Jeremy Edelston

Last Supper Meals Getting Larger

Legend holds that the Last Supper was bounteous, as Squanto had taught Jesus and his disciples to plant corn that previous spring.


Jon Armstrong

Obama's Twitter Account Hacked

An unemployed young Frenchman is being accused of hacking into the Twitter accounts of President Barack Obama and Britney Spears by correctly answering their security questions and then resetting their passwords. What do you think?

So this guy was pretending to be the guy who usually pretends to be the president? Scary.


Jessica Frederiksen

Obama's Twitter Account Hacked

I don't even want to imagine the kind of 140-character discord some prankster terrorist could have wreaked with that information.


Neil Steineckert

Obama's Twitter Account Hacked

He tipped his hand when he tweeted 'Pass ce projet de loi de santé goddamn donc je ne ressemble pas à un jackoff' from Obama's account.


Colin Fraser

California To Legalize Marijuana?

California's November ballot will include an initiative that if approved would make marijuana legal and taxable. What do you think?

That might finally erase the stigma against lazy, glassy-eyed, rambling layabouts.


Angelique Guthrie

California To Legalize Marijuana?

Marijuana legalization would be a pretty nice conciliatory gesture toward all the gay potheads who lost their reception hall deposits.


Javier Raymonde

California To Legalize Marijuana?

That kind of thing might be fine in left-leaning California, but it wouldn't fly where I come from: meth country.


Abby Hillary

Republicans Spent $2,000 At Strip Club

The Republican National Committee dropped $1,946 at Voyeur, a strip club in West Hollywood, CA. What do you think?

Damn. Boners and pleated Dockers do not an appealing image evoke.


Ryan Nienkerk

Republicans Spent $2,000 At Strip Club

They could have saved a lot of money if they came to my strip club, Wispers. We have Republican night every Wednesday.


Anthony Yacyshyn

Republicans Spent $2,000 At Strip Club

How much of that was for Sarah Palin's clear heels?


Warren Egeness

Superman Sells For $1.5 Million

A copy of the comic containing the first appearance of Superman, Action Comics #1, just sold at auction for $1.5 million. What do you think?

Oh, no! Only a fiend as diabolical as Lex Luthor has that kind of money to spend on a comic book.


Noah Kubinski

Superman Sells For $1.5 Million

Boy, news like that makes me regret not saving my things from when I was younger. When I moved out, my mom threw away the $1.5 million I had under my bed.


Meredith Tunison

Superman Sells For $1.5 Million

What's the point? That whole timeline was wiped out after the Crisis On Infinite Earths.


Olivia Partridge

PepsiCo Develops New 'Healthier' Salt

With the introduction of a new designer salt that dissolves on the tongue faster, PepsiCo hopes to reduce the sodium in its Lay's Classic potato chips by 25 percent. What do you think?

This is good. There's nothing more annoying than having to stand around and wait to taste the salt in potato chips.


Reid Moulding

PepsiCo Develops New 'Healthier' Salt

I've always prided myself on my ability to eat just one. Now I'm going to have to eat 1.3.


Felix Gregory

PepsiCo Develops New 'Healthier' Salt

Meanwhile, Coke's stuck in the mud just offering a superior soft drink.


Marvin Johnson

Fatty Foods Trigger Addiction Response

A new study in rats suggests that foods high in fat and calories trigger the same addiction response in the brain that cocaine does. What do you think?

I just read that somewhere, too, but I didn't think it was a scientific study, I thought it was Cathy.


Cath Shippy

Fatty Foods Trigger Addiction Response

Have they ruled out the possibility that the rats were all secretly using cocaine throughout the duration of the study?


Gary Rittman

Fatty Foods Trigger Addiction Response

We shouldn't draw too many conclusions. After all, Scarface just wouldn't have been the same if Al Pacino dropped his head into a pile of burgers on his desk and came up shooting.


Cal Rooney

Combat Aircraft Converted To Biofuel

The U.S. military successfully tested a "Warthog"" A10 Thunderbolt II that was modified to run on a mix of aviation fuel and a fuel made from the plant Camelina. What do you think?"

Now we can start pulling our troops out of the oil-drenched Middle East and focus on the world's real menace, the dastardly regimes of Camelina-rich Central Asia.


Beth Reid

Combat Aircraft Converted To Biofuel

And what color will the pilots' new dresses be?


Victor Johnson

Combat Aircraft Converted To Biofuel

Planes run on fuel? Man, I have a lot to learn before I understand what's going on here.


Sara Da Silva

Breast-Feeding Saves Lives, Money

A study in the journal Pediatrics found that if all U.S. babies were breast-fed exclusively for six months, it would save 900 lives, as well as $13.6 billion in lost wages and medical costs, each year. What do you think?

Nothing you say will make me put a child anywhere near this set of blue-ribbon jugs.


Trevor Birch

Breast-Feeding Saves Lives, Money

But how much money could babies earn if they worked those six months?


Cory Aspinall

Breast-Feeding Saves Lives, Money

Uh, could you please go and read that item somewhere else?


Ricky Said

Cola Lowers Sperm Count

A study in the American Journal Of Epidemiology found that men who drank more than 7 liters of cola a week had reduced sperm counts. What do you think?

You don't need so many sperm cells when the ones you have are refreshed to the max.


Julian Whitby

Cola Lowers Sperm Count

And with that many plastic bottles lying around, it's also easy to slip and smack your balls on something.


Lucy Dean

Cola Lowers Sperm Count

An interesting, but moot, discovery, as biologists have long known that male humans are repellent to the opposite sex once they hit the 5-liters-per-week consumption threshold.


Susan Pollit

Virginia Governor Declares April Confederate History Month

Arousing the ire of civil rights leaders and many residents of his state, Virginia governor Robert F. McDonnell has declared April to be Confederate History Month. What do you think?

I can't think of a more beautiful time and place to revel in defeat than Virginia in April.


Joe Cook

Take that, big federal health care bill.


Keith Hill

Slavery shouldn't stop us from celebrating Confederate History Month anymore than terrorism stops us from celebrating Bin Laden's Day.


Michael Lwin

Malcolm McLaren Dead At 64

Music manager Malcolm McLaren, who is credited with creating such acts as the Sex Pistols and Bow Wow Wow, died in Switzerland last Thursday. What do you think?

I can't wait to hear Public Image Ltd.'s rendition of 'Candle In The Wind.'


Shannon Gorman

Malcolm McLaren Dead At 64

I thought it was really touching when Johnny Rotten called him a fucking cunt and spit on his coffin while delivering the eulogy.


Sam Ashman

Malcolm McLaren Dead At 64

Luckily, we still have plenty of dangerous, outspoken bands working to change the stagnant culture these days.


Jeff Sherman

Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines

The U.S. Navy has officially banned smoking on submarines while the crafts are below the surface. What do you think?

I think this is a bad move strategically. They're going to have to surface every hour for smoke breaks.


Claire Jones

Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines

I'm sure some sailors may be mad about this, but think of it this way: You get to ride on a submarine!


Ward Banks

Navy Bans Smoking On Submarines

Well, that's just great. Now what are sailors supposed to do after they've had sex on a submarine?


Kay Efimov

Conan To Join TBS

Atlanta cable broadcast company TBS announced Monday a new weeknight schedule in which George Lopez will move to midnight and a new Conan O'Brien talk show will air at 11 p.m. What do you think?

I don't think I like this new Conan. Old Conan wouldn't be pushing Latinos around on basic cable.


Darren Bell

Conan To Join TBS

That's great, because when you think of TBS, you think of comedy. Well, you think of repeated Shawshank Redemption airings first, then the Atlanta Braves, but then you think of comedy.


Bert Abramsky

Conan To Join TBS

Seriously? I thought Conan had to go to jail for a year.


Nick McDonald

Twitter Now Features Ads

For the first time since its inception in 2006, the social networking service Twitter is running advertisements. What do you think?

This is terrible! Now Twitter will be overrun with all kinds of useless, annoying messages.


Frank Thompson

Twitter Now Features Ads

I was wary at first, but Sabra hummus really is offering a great deal to anyone who searches the #IranProtest hashtag.


Megan Foley

Twitter Now Features Ads

It's just as well to have something flashy to catch your eye while you're slogging your way through one of the posts.


Nancy Stone

Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children

According to a study in the forthcoming issue of Pediatrics, 3-year-olds who are spanked more frequently are more likely to bully and hit at age 5. What do you think?

Okay, but how about checking out the data on them still stealing ice-cream sandwiches at age 5? Not doing that anymore, are they?


Dan Martini

Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children

I teach my preschooler cutting verbal put-downs instead. She's perfected 'Your mommy buys all your clothes from the clearance rack at Gymboree,' and made up the 'Pee drinker!' apple-juice taunt all by herself.


Jon Graham

Spanking Leads To Aggressive Children

Thanks! That reminds me—I forgot to take my birth control.


Calvin Tucker

Icelandic Volcano Halts European Air Travel

A plume of ash from an erupting volcano in Iceland halted most air travel in Great Britain and Western Europe this weekend. What do you think?

I bet Great Britain really regrets letting its navy go to shit now.


Cathey Weiss

Well, I hope my stranded Scottish houseguests like season four of The Wire and Chinese food, because no damn volcano is going to get me to go to another museum.


Herman Brownstein

I know there's nothing anyone can do, but try consoling my two little girls, who had been so looking forward to going to the Nordhäuser Jazzfrühling in Nordhausen, Germany.


Jeff Sanders

McDonald's Nixes Cage-Free Eggs

The board of McDonald's has come out against a proposal that would require the restaurant to obtain 5 percent of its eggs from cage-free sources. What do you think?


Leah Kupferberg

McDonald's Nixes Cage-Free Eggs

Five percent would have been perfect, as I tend to get a guilty conscience with every 20th Egg McMuffin.


Andy Taylor

McDonald's Nixes Cage-Free Eggs

Right, yeah, fine. So can I get breakfast after 11 a.m. or not?


Jasmine Wray

Toads Can Predict Earthquakes

After studying toads in a dry lake bed in Italy, a British doctoral candidate discovered that toad behavior may be an indicator of earthquakes. What do you think?

Well, they certainly seem to have difficulty predicting when my car hits them.


Martin Halliwell

Toads Can Predict Earthquakes

Additionally, when one measures how deeply they're embedded into trees, toads can be a great indicator of tornado wind speed.


Hank Miller

Toads Can Predict Earthquakes

Why do we need toads to warn us when we can just prevent God's wrathful earthquakes by rejecting basic civil rights for homosexuals? Or is that hurricanes?


Jenna Burger

Actor Kal Penn Robbed

Kal Penn, the actor who played Kumar in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle, was robbed at gunpoint in Washington, D.C. this week. What do you think?

Penn should stick to White Castle and leave the going-to-Washington to Jimmy Stewart.


Roger Shaw

Actor Kal Penn Robbed

That's nothing; I once mugged legendary star of stage and screen Richard Burton.


Russell Clark

Actor Kal Penn Robbed

Ha-ha! That sounds hilarious. When's that coming out?


Diane Averre

Illinois Protesters Demand Higher Taxes

An estimated 15,000 people turned up at the Illinois state Capitol and called for higher taxes to prevent significant budget cuts. What do you think?

Damn right we want higher taxes! And we also want lower speed limits and condom dispensers in every elementary school in the land!


Paul Niles

Illinois Protesters Demand Higher Taxes

If you all had elected me like I wanted, I would have already raised your taxes. Remember? I said that? When I was running? That I was going to raise your taxes? And then I lost terribly?


Will Feiger

Illinois Protesters Demand Higher Taxes

It's Illinois; can't they just find some dead taxpayers to cover the difference?


Alex Weber

'South Park' Creators Threatened By Extremists

In response to a South Park episode in which the Prophet Muhammad appears in a bear costume, the radical Muslim website Revolutionmuslim.com hinted that the TV show's creators would end up like murdered Dutch filmmaker Theo Van Gogh. What do you think?

This ultimately boils down to a very thorny question of intercultural sensitivity: Should Islamic extremists be allowed to kill whoever they want?


Carla Davidson

It scares me when people don't think bears are hilarious.


Doug Reber

The 23rd Surah of the Quran explicitly describes the Prophet receiving Allah's word while wearing a bear suit for his niece's fourth birthday party, so I'm not sure where the offense is.


Jack Andrews

'Archie' Gets A Gay Character

A gay student named Kevin will be introduced this September in an issue of Veronica, part of the Archie Comics franchise. What do you think?

Well, if Archie ever does marry either Betty or Veronica, the other is going to need a new best friend.


Vicki Lodge

'Archie' Gets A Gay Character

Uh-oh, Archie—prepare yourselves for a shitstorm of controversy. It's still 1957, right?


Kyle Cooper

'Archie' Gets A Gay Character

With the backing of the Archie franchise, gay teens should have no problem achieving mainstream acceptance at their schools.


Sara Didier

Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens

In a new documentary, celebrity physicist Stephen Hawking says that while there are almost certainly other life forms in the universe, we should avoid contact with them lest they decide to strip our planet of its resources. What do you think?

Oh, fuck…Hawking hasn't gone Scientologist on us, has he?


Steve von Bohlen

Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens

Alien ladies, alien ladies. There's enough of me to go around all our solar systems and stuff.


Jonathan Klug

Stephen Hawking Warns Of Aliens

He's only saying that because, if aliens did invade, he'd have the hardest time running away.


Brendan Glass

Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend

Following the explosion of a BP offshore drilling rig, 45,000 gallons of oil are pumping into the Gulf of Mexico each day, and the slick may hit the U.S. coast this weekend. What do you think?

I'm so jealous of that vast, fertile ecosystem of underwater marine life getting all that free oil.


Sean Romano

Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend

This is God's punishment for our new law allowing homosexuals to crash oil tankers.


Tara Abshire

Oil Slick May Hit Coast This Weekend

Why do oil rigs go so far into the ocean to drill, anyway? Wouldn't it be easier just to drill at the gas stations?


Karen Carlisle

Crist Dumps Republicans

After losing ground to his Republican opponent in the Republican primary, Florida governor Charlie Crist announced yesterday that he would be running for the U.S. Senate as an independent. What do you think?

That would almost certainly give Bernie Sanders, Joe Lieberman, and Charlie Crist the most powerful three-man caucus in the Senate.


Lane Sheppard

Crist Dumps Republicans

He'll just go crawling back to the Republican party once he starts losing in the independent primary.


Wayne Doukas

Crist Dumps Republicans

How could he abandon his party like that? Just because they turned their backs on him to act insane? That's no reason.


Jeff Cropper

Katie Holmes To Play Jackie Kennedy

Actress Katie Holmes will portray former first lady Jacqueline Kennedy in a TV miniseries about the life of John F. Kennedy. What do you think?

I can see that. They both have brown hair and husbands whom people want to kill.


Paula Dunn

Katie Holmes To Play Jackie Kennedy

I'd say this choice is slightly better than Lindsay Lohan, but slightly worse than the corpse of Jacqueline Kennedy.


Ward Axton

Katie Holmes To Play Jackie Kennedy

Are they doing open calls? Friends say I do a bang-on Robert McNamara.


Tim Bowman

Taliban Claim Dud Bomb

The Pakistani Taliban claimed responsibility on an Islamist website for a car bomb that failed to detonate in Times Square this weekend. What do you think?

In the spirit of candor, I should say that I too wrestled with failure while launching my own small bomb-making business.


Traci Poole

Taliban Claim Dud Bomb

Christianity also teaches acceptance of our failures and the use of websites. Maybe we are not so different after all.


Al Floyd

Taliban Claim Dud Bomb

The firecrackers and barbecue-grill propane tanks are a dead giveaway. Wait, you said South Carolina Taliban, right?


Chris Nix

Women To Serve On Submarines

Sixteen years after the Navy began allowing women to serve on surface ships, the U.S. military has decreed that women will serve on submarines by 2012. What do you think?

The first of those women will have their pick of pallid, hollow-eyed men attuned to sonar beeps.


Svetlana Terry

Women To Serve On Submarines

The first thing I hope they do is paint. The Ohio class has such a drab interior hull.


Craig Jackson

Women To Serve On Submarines

The Danish have had female submariners since the 1980s, and their Navy sucks.


Chance Ribot

Depression Sufferers Smoke More

A new study reveals that 43 percent of adults who suffer from depression smoke, and that depressed people are less inclined to quit than other smokers. What do you think?

Yeah, depressed people are so cool and sophisticated.


Danny Edson

Depression Sufferers Smoke More

Aggravating the problem is how readily nicotine binds to the brain's why-bother-even-getting-out-of-bed receptors.


Meredith Lurie

Depression Sufferers Smoke More

Well, you know who's not going to move out on me because its skirt keeps getting stained with nicotine from sitting on the couch? This pack of Camels right here.


Jessica Brodsky

Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk

A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as likely to suffer delusions, hallucinations, or psychotic episodes. What do you think?

That's a shame. I was really hoping marijuana would be the one mind-altering drug that you could chronically use for several years without it seriously altering your mind.


Pete Alexander

To really prove this theory, they need to do a comparable study where they give free pot for six years to people on the 1200 block of East Burleigh in Milwaukee.


George Ludovico

Yeah, but you don't hear any of those stoners complaining, do you? I mean, have you ever heard a complaining stoner? Is that something that even exists? A complaining stoner, I'm talking about. Because if stoners don't do one thing, it is not not complaining.


Emergency Doctor

Report: Tanning Beds Addictive

A study in the Archives Of Dermatology found that many people who regularly use indoor sunlamps meet the standard criteria for addiction. What do you think?

Any finding that brings more caramel-colored cuties to my ER is valid by me.


Carla Sims

Report: Tanning Beds Addictive

I used to be addicted to indoor tanning. The lotiony smell of the bed. The weird little glasses. The bunny stickers for the bikini area. No! Be strong. You're happy being pale, Carla. Don't chase that rabbit again…


Cal Washam

Report: Tanning Beds Addictive

To the extent that the tanning bed is my favorite place to shoot up, they are correct.


Rick Balfe

Cancer Panel's Findings Under Fire

The American Cancer Society is criticizing a study from the President's Cancer Panel that suggests Americans are under constant threat from environmental carcinogens. What do you think?

The environment doesn't cause cancer. Everything else going relatively well in your life directly beforehand causes cancer.


Liz Dwyer

Cancer Panel's Findings Under Fire

It's nice to know I can always rely on the American Cancer Society for the sunnier outlook on U.S. health.


Tom Cope

Cancer Panel's Findings Under Fire

Well, it's too late. I've already thrown out everything but my iPad.


Sue Donelly

Barbara Walters To Have Heart Surgery

Eighty-year-old journalist and cohost of The View Barbara Walters is scheduled to have a heart valve replaced this week. What do you think?

A life lived in soft focus will catch up with you.


Alan Wiggs

Barbara Walters To Have Heart Surgery

Heart surgery? I thought Barbara Walters ran on pure sexual energy.


Brian Deal

Barbara Walters To Have Heart Surgery

I thought I heard her announcing that on the show, but it was hard to tell. She got interrupted five times and somehow they were talking about Simon Cowell? Then Joy yelled a joke and I decided I deserved a nap.


George Mitchell

U.K. Prime Minister Gordon Brown Resigns

The week after an inconclusive election result, Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepped aside and recommended Conservative leader David Cameron as his successor. What do you think?

Is David Cameron the one that was the British Obama, or is he the other guy that was the British Obama?


Wes Collins

Only a true statesman like Gordon Brown could resign with the same dour, joyless, soporific basset-hound face with which he once savored victory.


Leah Thais

I follow politics pretty closely, but I must admit I had no idea the U.K. existed.


Cara Svenonius

Budget Deficit Hits Record

In the face of diminished government revenue, the federal budget deficit set a new record for the month of April. What do you think?

I'm not willing to give up any benefits, but they can go ahead and make my grandkids' lives a living nightmare if that will help.


Dan Gamboa

Budget Deficit Hits Record

If they're anything like me, it's because America invested in their dumb brother-in-law's disastrous palm tree business.


Michael Canty

Budget Deficit Hits Record

It's all the Democrats' fault! Or it's all the Republicans' fault–I'm not sure. What we know for certain, according to everything I've heard, is that it's entirely the fault of one of them or the other and certainly not due to any combination of the two.


Simon Shollenberger

National Dog Bite Prevention Week Begins

This week is National Dog Bite Prevention Week, which aims to reduce the 4.5 million dog bites that occur in the United States every year. What do you think?

Someday we'll have enough 'Beware of Dog' signs to finally put this menace to rest.


Kathleen Giska

I told the guys we should have scheduled Rabies Contraction Week in October, but does anyone listen?


Franklin Mastrian

Okay, fine, but next week I'm going back to being bitten.


Jake Bannon

Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe

A German scientist told the newspaper Bild that the reason transmissions from deep space probe Voyager 2 changed last month is because the craft has been taken over by aliens. What do you think?

The aliens reprogrammed the probe? They sound like giant nerds.


Olivia Kimball

Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe

That guy's an idiot. Everyone knows that aliens' hands are much too slimy and slippery to take over the controls of a spacecraft.


Ethan Strickland

Scientist Claims Aliens Hijacked Probe

That's all I need to hear! I don't think you can really argue with the first nutso theory a German guy tosses out there.


Juliet Morris

YouTube Turns 5

Video sharing website YouTube turned five on Monday. What do you think?

Wow, it feels like just yesterday when I used to go outside.


Hank Rollins

YouTube Turns 5

That reminds me, I'm in the mood to watch someone's balls get destroyed.


Ben Cadena

YouTube Turns 5

I'm flattered. You've obviously chosen to interview me because you recognize me from my YouTube video Dancing In 100 Bathtubs. No? Back in April? C'mon, man, that was on CNN for two seconds.


Kevin Pettibon

Microsoft Overhauling Hotmail

Software giant Microsoft is planning a significant upgrade to its web-based e-mail portal Hotmail. What do you think?

I don't know, I think Hotmail is probably as good at receiving spam as it's ever going to get.


Jeff Lockett

Microsoft Overhauling Hotmail

Stop right there. I refuse to associate with anyone who uses a Hotmail account or asks questions about Hotmail.


Kaye Dukowski

Microsoft Overhauling Hotmail

Just answer me this: Do I still get to keep RockingAunt7, or not?


Cathy Johnson

Food Allergies Overdiagnosed

A new report from the federal government shows that many people who think they have food allergies actually do not. What do you think?

Well, there goes the sole topic of conversation I can bring to parties.


Jim Lewis

Food Allergies Overdiagnosed

I feel so sorry for all those people who died of asphyxiation from being gullible.


JJ Lunsford

Food Allergies Overdiagnosed

Shh! Don't tell my immune system. I need my immune system to be on edge, all the time.


Pete Gunn

Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf

A new kind of centrifuge that may be able to remove oil from water at rates of up to 200 gallons per minute has been financed by actor Kevin Costner and will be tested in an effort to clean up the BP oil spill. What do you think?

The centrifuge enters the water, charms the oil into falling in love with it, then takes it out of that small-town ocean.


Laura Sanford

That really beats the pants off Randy Quaid and his 4-gallon-a-minute centrifuge.


Pete Sanford

It's the least he can do considering Swing Vote was a major reason my last shrimp farm went belly-up. Long story.


Nicholas Casebolt

Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last

Shrek Forever After, the latest installment in the animated children's franchise, grossed nearly $50 million less in its opening weekend than its predecessor. What do you think?

Time for Mike Myers to go back to the drawing board until he invents a new character who's fat and gross and has a Scottish accent.


Kayla Hamley

Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last

Really? Maybe after I tell my daughter, she won't want me to take her and the rest of her birthday party to the damn thing.


Will Lorinczi

Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last

Sadly, it has to compete with that other movie with the British-sounding ogre. What's it called? Oh, yeah, Robin Hood!


Corinne Miller

U.S. To Hold Naval Exercises With South Korea

Following a report that blamed North Korea for torpedoing a South Korean warship, Washington announced it would conduct joint naval exercises with Seoul. What do you think?

This comes at a good time. The U.S. Navy has been mainly occupied with circling Cuba for the past 48 years.


Bobby Hudson

While I certainly feel bad for South Korea, I also feel extremely frightened of either Korea.


Luke Jenifer

That's great. It's always good to have an exercise buddy to keep you motivated and focused on your personal goals.


Vadim Coronado

GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care

Saying it might help people who were undeserving, Republican congressmen spoke out against a proposed health care program for rescue workers who responded to the 9/11 terrorist attacks. What do you think?

Well, of course. If you extend health benefits to 9/11 heroes, next you'll be providing free lifetime benefits to veterans.


Jason Headly

GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care

That's why I always get a monetary guarantee in writing up front before I rush to save anyone's life.


Paula Thomson

GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care

I think the fact that Republicans have worn "FDNY"" T-shirts

and hats for almost 10 years now is support enough for the well-being of rescuers."


Colin Thomas

Obama Skipping Memorial Day Ceremony

President Obama has angered critics with his decision to vacation in Chicago over Memorial Day and let the vice president lay the traditional wreath at Arlington National Cemetery. What do you think?

No doubt to get together with his Acorn pals and register dead Illinois veterans in case the Democrats need some extra votes come November.


Nadia Whitman

Obama Skipping Memorial Day Ceremony

Seriously? Is the Arlington National Cemetery ceremony really so complicated that they can't just move it to wherever Obama is gonna be? Let's remember who's in charge here.


Charles Jones

Obama Skipping Memorial Day Ceremony

I can't say I'm not disappointed, but at least there's a good chance Biden will treat us to a solemn, dirty limerick.


Ray Wolff

Talking Head Suing Florida Governor

Musician David Byrne is suing Florida governor and U.S. Senate candidate Charlie Crist for allegedly using the Talking Heads song "Road To Nowhere"" in a campaign commercial without securing the proper clearances. What do you think?"

That's a bad move. Everybody knows that if you want to win in Florida it's Emilio Estefan all the way.


Lydia Cheffins

Talking Head Suing Florida Governor

But I always do what the Talking Heads tells me. When I heard them in that Dial soap commercial, I ditched Ivory after years of loyalty!


Allen Mattson

Talking Head Suing Florida Governor

Sorry, I'm not too up on my Florida politics. Does Charlie Crist want to build an actual road to nowhere?


Jocelyn Asquith

Fergie Was Drunk During Sting

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, admitted she was broke and had been drinking when she accepted a cash down payment of $40,000 in an attempt to sell access to her former husband, Prince Andrew. What do you think?

Is she still drunk? I have 40k and would like to have Andrew come to our barbecue-sauce trade fair.


Brandon Pirroni

Fergie Was Drunk During Sting

If she's so hard up, why doesn't she just stagger over to York and start seizing farmland from the commoners?


Django Cox

Fergie Was Drunk During Sting

Which Fergie? And in both cases, forget it.


Amy Stewart

Gores Split

Former vice president Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, are separating after 40 years of marriage. What do you think?

You could really tell that they were having problems. I don't even remember seeing them kiss once since 2000.


Darren Smith

Gores Split

Great, now I have to compete for women with Al Gore.


Morgan Seo

Gores Split

That's not how Love Story ends. Where's her cancer?


Erin Kramer

Longest Hypersonic Flight Test Conducted

In a test of the X-51A jet last week, it reached speeds of mach 5 for over three minutes, the longest hypersonic flight by a factor of ten. What do you think?

It must have been so cool when the phrase 'Holy shit!' finally caught up to the jet 15 minutes later.


Bart Magnuson

That's amazing! Now when it comes to what we use that sort of thing for, what exactly do we use that sort of thing for?


Martin Licht

What? I'm sorry you'll have to speak up. Yesterday this thing going at mach 5 flew over my house.


Carl Port

American Cigarettes More Carcinogenic

A study by the Centers for Disease Control found that compared to foreign brands, cigarettes made in the United States have three times the amount of cancer-causing nitrosamines. What do you think?

Nitrosamines? Yuck. That's why I only smoke Chinese cigarettes, which have only been verifiably shown to contain female fertility hormones and trace amounts of ether.


Suzi Licher

American Cigarettes More Carcinogenic

If we can't make them without cancer here, then it's time to start making U.S. cigarettes overseas.


Keith Loveless

American Cigarettes More Carcinogenic


Dan Ratter

Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims

The Federal Trade Commission is taking issue with Kellogg's assertion that its Rice Krispies cereal helps support children's immune systems. What do you think?

Poppycock! I have it on good authority that Dr. Kellogg's Crisped Rice cereal is sure to boost vitality and ward off languidity of all forms.


Pam Stone

Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims

Why is the government always in our business? Can't they just let us have our edible cure-alls?


Steve Alvarez

Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims

So I should start taking my kids to the doctor?


Angie Duvall

BP Buys Search Terms

BP paid Yahoo! and Google so that the oil company's own website would be the first result shown after a search for terms such as "oil spill."" What do you think?"

They didn't have to go to all that trouble. I would've just ignored this whole thing for 10 bucks.


Chad Durant

BP Buys Search Terms

If they're not careful, they could start being associated with oil spills.


Alex Horne

BP Buys Search Terms

That's pretty bad on BP's part, but it's not the worst thing they've ever done. The oil spill itself is the worst thing they've ever done.


Rich Offer

Original Warhol On The Moon?

Columbia University historian and host of the PBS series History Detectives Gwen Wright says that six miniature sketches on ceramic created by the likes of Robert Rauschenberg and Andy Warhol were hidden on board the Apollo 12 lunar lander. What do you think?

Oh, great, another exhibit I bet I get dragged to.


Poole Wilson

Original Warhol On The Moon?

Hey, that reminds me of the time I snuck a Superman figurine into my sister's wedding-ring box. Then we put it on the moon.


Shena Andreioni

Original Warhol On The Moon?

Good! The fewer Warhol paintings on earth, the better.


Melanie Schrader

Big Cats Lured By Obsession

In studying the amount of time two cheetahs interacted with different colognes, the general curator of the Bronx Zoo found that the cats showed a preference for Calvin Klein's Obsession for Men. What do you think?

That's the chief reason Alex Rodriguez can't go to the Bronx Zoo.


Tom Gilliam

Big Cats Lured By Obsession

I've always said that Calvin Klein's cologne smelled slightly better than cat urine.


Terry Cox

Big Cats Lured By Obsession

Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer to lure large predators with the scent of a menstruating woman.


Henry Coefield

'A-Team' Opens At No. 2

The big-budget, multi-writer remake of the '80s TV series The A-Team opened in the No. 2 spot at the box office this weekend. What do you think?

As a screenwriter, I really need to stop coming up with my own ideas.


Marisa Pipkin

'A-Team' Opens At No. 2

Even though that guy from The Hangover is in it, it wasn't as hilarious as The Hangover. Man, I wish The Hangover were coming out again. That was fun last summer with The Hangover.


Todd Wallace

'A-Team' Opens At No. 2

I pity the fool who didn't go to see…! Jesus. I'm sorry. Please don't print that I said that. What was the question again?


Horace Mendez

South Carolina Senate Candidate Refuses To Drop Out

Democratic candidate Alvin Greene is refusing to drop out of the South Carolina's U.S. Senate race despite having been charged with a felony for showing a college student pornographic materials. What do you think?

This Alvin Greene thing is weird. Since when does South Carolina have Democrats?


Tara Axenrot

Say what you will about the man's competence as a politician. He sure knows what the ladies like.


Paul Wiberg

I don't care what he does, I'm voting for the guy named Al Green.


Lynda Marvin

Vast Mineral Resources Found In Afghanistan

The United States has discovered nearly $1 trillion in mineral deposits, including copper, iron, and lithium, in Afghanistan. What do you think?

This is fabulous news! Are we going to distribute it to all Americans equally?


Gerry Jurewicz

And let's not forget that Iraq sits atop a nearly equivalent amount of U.S. debt.


Ken Smith

'Annie' Ends Print Run

On Sunday, after 86 years in print, comics page mainstay Annie—a strip about a little redheaded orphan and her dog Sandy—ran in newspapers for the last time. What do you think?

To be published for 86 years and read for 11 is an accomplishment to be proud of.


Ian Seamans

'Annie' Ends Print Run

I just hope they don't pull the weather section anytime soon. If the newspaper is missing not only Annie, but also the weather, I will have no reason to read the newspaper.


Deborah Halter

'Annie' Ends Print Run

Doesn't Daddy Warbucks own the Tribune? That fucker.


Barbara Dallas

Asteroid Probe Returns To Earth

A Japanese spacecraft deployed to an asteroid seven years ago returned home on Sunday, possibly carrying the first extraterrestrial rock sample since the moon landings. What do you think?

Hopefully they let Bruce Willis take a few jabs at it before they start analyzing, just in case it starts getting any bright ideas.


Scott Lambert

Asteroid Probe Returns To Earth

Do they have some sort of machine that confirms this data? If not, I have a rock tumbler.


Darren Ripley

Asteroid Probe Returns To Earth

If no one's called it yet, I got dibs on the space rock.


Steve Gorman

Poll: More Muslims Distrust Obama

A survey from the Pew Research Center found President Obama's popularity was slipping among Muslims worldwide. What do you think?


Beth Vasquez

Poll: More Muslims Distrust Obama

Why are people in other countries following what's going on in another country? I've never done that in my life.


Simon Apone

Poll: More Muslims Distrust Obama

Then it's good news for Obama that the people voting in the next election are going to be angry, intolerant white people.


Joshua Drake

Amanda Bynes Retires At 24

Actress Amanda Bynes, star of such films as She's The Man, announced on her Twitter feed that she would retire from acting. What do you think?

That's cool, because that means I can retire from confusing her with Mandy Moore.


Jess Frost

Amanda Bynes Retires At 24

Understandable. You don't want to wake up one day and realize, 'Oh my God, I'm 26 and childless.'


Brian Ferro

Amanda Bynes Retires At 24

Not Amanda Bynes! She's the Amanda Bynes of Hollywood.


Sarah Kane

World Snake Population Drops

A study of 17 snake populations worldwide showed that the number of snakes had fallen dramatically in 11 of those populations since the late 1990s. What do you think?

But what's going to bite me when I go camping?


Robert Brett

World Snake Population Drops

Maybe we needed a tragedy like this to wake us to man's wanton, unrelenting destruction of snakes' things-to-hide-under habitats.


Jason Ash

World Snake Population Drops

Fortunately not in my pants! Where the viper eggs are hatching nicely.


Steven Crowe

Lady Gaga Not Banned From Yankees

After an incident in which Yankees co-chairman Hal Steinbrenner announced Lady Gaga would be barred from the New York Yankees clubhouse, GM Brian Cashman said that this was not the case. What do you think?

How will our pop stars know when it's okay to act up in public if we keep sending them mixed messages?


Nelson Deitrich

Lady Gaga Not Banned From Yankees

Classic Cashman-Steinbrenner inability to get on the same page regarding their Lady Gaga policy.


Georgia Spunkmeyer

Lady Gaga Not Banned From Yankees

Steinbrenner was just pissed because he mistook Gaga for Jeff Weaver.


Danielle McGee

'True Blood' Renewed

HBO announced that it is renewing the vampire drama True Blood for a fourth season. What do you think?

Great, now I'll have to keep sleeping with that scumbag across the hall who has HBO.


Hugh Green

'True Blood' Renewed

If only Béla Lugosi had lived to be 127, he'd be the biggest star in the world right now.


Kent Foster

'True Blood' Renewed

I don't think I can answer any more questions about vampires.


Seth Popple

Cartoon Pitchmen Remarkably Effective

In a recent study, 50 percent of children said that food from packages adorned with one of their favorite cartoon characters, like Dora the Explorer or SpongeBob SquarePants, tasted better than identical food from a plain package. What do you think?

Are you calling my kid a liar? Is that it? If he says it tastes better, then it tastes better, and that's that.


Hanly Evans

Cartoon Pitchmen Remarkably Effective


Joel Innes

Cartoon Pitchmen Remarkably Effective

Might I inquire, did they figure out which cartoon character makes the best food?


Colin Wierzbowski

Unemployed Face Job Discrimination

More and more companies are requiring job applicants to already have a job. What do you think?

Makes sense to me. At my all-you-can-eat restaurant, we require you to show up full.


Wendy Van Leuwen

Unemployed Face Job Discrimination

As the head of a company myself, yes, I'd prefer that applicants already have jobs. Either that, or no work experience, an Ivy League diploma, and an entitled, overly confident attitude.


Rufus Lydecker

Unemployed Face Job Discrimination

And here I thought the trouble was me being a disabled, sixty-year-old black man.


Susan Tankel

Independence Day Celebrated

This Fourth of July marks the 234th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of independence. What do you think?

I love the Fourth! Cookouts, fireworks, prank calling the Queen, all of it.


Robert Guy

Independence Day Celebrated

Well, then, that shall be the reason I get drunk that night!


Mitch Carbonella Jr.

Independence Day Celebrated

Wow, already? I can't believe that America only has six years left.


Angela Billotte

Advertising On License Plates?

The State of California is currently considering a plan to issue digital license plates that would display advertising when a car is stopped for more than four seconds. What do you think?

I think this is a great idea. Who doesn't love staring at license plates all day?


Darrell Power

Advertising On License Plates?

I hope mine's a rotation of dentist ads. People really should take better care of their chompers.


Adam Marshall

Advertising On License Plates?

No dice. The only message I'm carrying when I drive is 'ILUVDEB.'


Jenny Blumberg

Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims

A University of Wisconsin study found that when prisoners exhibiting psychopathic tendencies played decision-making games, they used the same strategies as people who had suffered strokes or brain tumors. What do you think?

I've seen enough Law & Order and House to tell you my personal bullshit theory on this.


Will Lind

Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims

To get a conclusive result you're going to have to test the brains of psychopaths and stroke victims when they're cutting people up.


Kevin Feltes

Psychopaths Behave Like Stroke Victims

Stroke victims always try to get the railroads and utilities first, though. Those are the safest bets.


Gwenn Furnier

Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up

According to a Department of Health and Human Services study, emergency room visits for recreational use of opioid painkillers went up 111 percent from 2004 to 2008. What do you think?

I broke a lot of men's hearts in the mid-2000s.


Rebecca Buxton

Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up

Not in my household. Here, you take too many opioid painkillers, you lie there until you've learned your lesson.


William Bruce

Prescription Painkiller Abuse Up

Used to be you only went to the emergency room after being in a motorcycle accident.


Jack Wills

Regular Coffee Drinkers No More Alert

Researchers at Bristol University in the UK have found that heavy coffee drinkers derive no boost from the beverage, but merely stave off the depressive effects of withdrawal. What do you think?

What is life, then, if it's not about 'staving off'?


Karen Goldberg

Regular Coffee Drinkers No More Alert

So what would be the ideal beverage to sip while I pretend I'm thinking?


Stephen Adler

Regular Coffee Drinkers No More Alert


Keith Brenneck

The High Cost Of Weddings

The average cost of a wedding in the United States is $19,581. What do you think?

That's just if you're looking for an average wedding. We've got unmemorable substandard wedding packages beginning at only 14 grand.


Alice Foder

The High Cost Of Weddings

Well, in my case, it will need to be much higher. I'm only attracted to needy, covetous women whose wedding fantasies never got beyond the Barbie stage and who never seem happy anyhow.


Damon Lombardo

The High Cost Of Weddings

But what's the alternative? Saving $20,000 and having sex with lots of different people?


Jason Coefield

Men Suffer Postpartum Depression Too

A study in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that 10 percent of new fathers can suffer a serious depression in the first year of a child's birth. What do you think?

And here I just thought I was depressed because my baby's so damn ugly.


Alex Pipkin

Men Suffer Postpartum Depression Too

Well, some men cry during laundry detergent commercials too. Doesn't make it right.


Janell Wallace

Men Suffer Postpartum Depression Too

Would it kill guys to go find their own mental illness?


Iris Dunnaway

Obese Engage In Unsafe Sex More

A French study revealed that obese people have sex less often than those of healthier weight, but engage in riskier behavior when they do. What do you think?

I bet things get even more unsafe if the chunky lovebirds go at it on the kitchen table, or anywhere that isn't a sturdy bed or the floor.


Adam Smith

Obese Engage In Unsafe Sex More

If they're that obese, surely there's a Snickers wrapper or empty Cheetos bag they could grab and wrap around their junk.


Cody Hunter

Obese Engage In Unsafe Sex More


Beth Jorden

Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer

A new study found that smokers with higher levels of vitamin B6 in their system were less likely to contract lung cancer. What do you think?

But that would require eating, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid by taking up smoking.


Alex Hicks

Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer

B6, B6, let's check the ol' pack here… How about low tar? That's probably good, right?


Dave Bishop

Vitamin B6 May Help Block Cancer

That's old news. It's why I smoke Pall Mall Banana 100s.


Teddy Durrant-Taylor

Collecting Social Security At 70?

Lawmakers from both parties are considering raising the age at which young Americans would be eligible for full Social Security benefits from 65 to 70. What do you think?

I'll go along with it, as long as Congress agrees to raise the death age to 91.


Marcy Manker

Collecting Social Security At 70?

I can't wait to tell the snotty cashier at Walgreens that she's going to have to do it until she's 70 now.


Daniel Kolitz

Collecting Social Security At 70?

I wonder what kinds of great new fraud opportunities this is going to open up.


Michelle McCrea

Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks

A new study from the Centers for Disease Control found that nearly one out of every 25 food-borne illnesses traced to restaurants is caused by contaminated salsa or guacamole. What do you think?

But salsa is what I put on food to disinfect it.


Warren Jones

Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks

Feeling like shit is just your body's way of telling you it's time to stop eating.


Josiah Robertson

Guacamole, Salsa Faulted For Outbreaks

Of course, with violent diarrhea and vomiting, I can eat all the guac I want!


Gerry Bergus

Iranian Nuclear Scientist Claims CIA Abduction

An Iranian nuclear scientist who disappeared last year during a pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia turned up at the Pakistani embassy in Washington claiming he had been kidnapped by the CIA. What do you think?

I'm all for government transparency, but maybe CIA agents should be a little more circumspect when handing out their cards.


Richard Pipe

Consider yourself lucky Dick Cheney doesn't have the keys anymore, fella.


Blythe Kirtland

Wow, the CIA totally ruined that guy's trip to Saudi Arabia.


Joy Crawford

Clinton Brought In On Economy

The White House announced Wednesday that it had enlisted former president Bill Clinton to reach out to businesses and encourage job creation. What do you think?

Good luck. I sent him my resumé like a year ago and I never heard back.


Brian Kovalic

Clinton Brought In On Economy

Wait, if Bill Clinton encourages businesses to create jobs, are jobs created? Should we have thought of this sooner?


Sean Kaesberg

Clinton Brought In On Economy


Michael Hultquist

Argentina Approves Gay Marriage

Argentina narrowly passed a law allowing gay couples to marry, making it the first Latin American country to do so. What do you think?

Aren't they worried about threatening the sanctity of machismo?


Beth MacLean

Argentina Approves Gay Marriage

I'm just afraid that country will be picked clean of all its beautiful flowers as a result of this.


Lee Graves

Argentina Approves Gay Marriage

That's a real milestone. Argentina never approves of anything I do.


Howie Sitek

Chrysler Unveils Minivan For Men

Chrysler dealerships will soon be carrying an updated Dodge Grand Caravan minivan designed to appeal to men. What do you think?

I already made my minivan more manly by wrecking it when I was drunk.


Tanya Malone

Chrysler Unveils Minivan For Men

Ooo. Will the price be 22 percent lower than the regular minivan?


Marco Adebimpe

Chrysler Unveils Minivan For Men

But it already has enough room for a loving wife and up to five beautiful children. What more could a man want?


Christina Rainey

'Jersey Shore' Cast On Strike

Cast members of the MTV reality series Jersey Shore are refusing to appear in a third season of the show until their salary of $10,000 per episode is increased. What do you think?

They better be careful. MTV could decide to bring in scabs from Delaware instead.


Fred Holmes

'Jersey Shore' Cast On Strike

Oh, shit. You don't want to mess with the goons from the MTV strikebreaking street team.


Susan Hawk

'Jersey Shore' Cast On Strike

That cast is so spoiled. In my day, we had Jeff Probst, a remote island, and an unspoken demand to keep ourselves looking anorexic.


J.J. Reininger

Senate Approves Jobless Benefits Extension

Following an appointment to fill the seat of the recently deceased Robert Byrd, Senate Democrats have staved off a Republican filibuster and are set to extend unemployment benefits. What do you think?

Honestly, if people are still unemployed, they really should just talk to their friends' dads. Friends' dads always have some sort of job for you.


Matt Brown

Awesome! I've been saving up my unemployment for this kick-ass 1962 Les Paul ever since I got laid off in early '08.


Carrie Tong

I can think of no more fitting tribute to the late senator than this, a vicious party-line vote.


Danielle Shenton

E-Books Surpass Hardcovers At Amazon

For every 100 hardcover books Amazon sold in the past three months, the online retailer sold 143 books for its Kindle e-reader. What do you think?

Wow. Maybe I should try to write an e-book instead of a regular one.


Joe Smith

E-Books Surpass Hardcovers At Amazon

This is the end of an era. I hate to think of an entire generation being deprived of the pleasure of letting a book fall open to the dirty parts.


Mick Aveling

E-Books Surpass Hardcovers At Amazon

Well, if you're reading a hardcover book, strangers try to start conversations with you. If you're reading off a Kindle, people just stare at your awesome Kindle.


Larry Bench

Del Toro To Direct Disney's 'Haunted Mansion'

Guillermo del Toro, director of Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy, announced that his next project would be directing The Haunted Mansion, a film based on the Disney World ride. What do you think?

This is a step up for him. The Hobbit isn't even a ride.


Karen Marko

Wow, I didn't realize the list of jobs Americans won't do extended all the way into big-budget film adaptations of theme park attractions.


Albert Raxton

I wonder if Disney would be interested in my horror screenplay about a shipload of children who float into a land of diverse ethnicities, but after a short time the children realize that under their colorful costumes all the people look exactly alike and sing the same song constantly?


Justin Octavius

Second Monument Found On Stonehenge Site

Scientists studying the terrain around Stonehenge may have discovered the foundation of a wooden Stonehenge. What do you think?

I was always mystified as to how an ancient people erected the megaliths of Stonehenge, but now I see they had a practice henge.


Lauren Dillon

I'll bet you that if somebody just takes the time to look there's a wooden Statue of Liberty beneath the muck of Upper New York Bay, too.


Christopher Osborn

Can we stop about Stonehenge? We have clocks now.


Jill Kravinoff

Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon

After being hit repeatedly by pigeon feces from the rafters of the Verizon Amphitheater in St. Louis, the band Kings of Leon stopped its concert after just three songs. What do you think?

I thought they stopped because they only have three songs.


Scott Morbius

Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon

If you're thinking of buying tickets to Kings of Leon's upcoming show at Louisville's Feral Cat Arena, you might want to save your money.


Noah Beck

Defecating Birds Stop Kings Of Leon

What the Kings of Leon didn't realize was that this was a test. And the Kings of Leon failed. And the test was sort of a weird test.


Alex Smerdyakov

Tennessee Candidate Asks If Islam Is Cult

At an event earlier this month, Tennessee gubernatorial candidate Ron Ramsey questioned whether Islam was a religion or a cult, drawing criticism from Muslim leaders. What do you think?

There's no such thing as a stupid question, unless you're a gubernatorial candidate and you ask whether Islam is a cult.


Hans Schultz

He must have chosen that time to ask because the crowd contained so many scholars of Islam.


Lexie Brock

What an absolutely horrible thing to say out loud.


Cathy Sytsevich

Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing

The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1. What do you think?

But that was half the fun of doing crack!


Ryan Gargan

Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing

Thank God President Reagan isn't alive to see this.


Albert Manfredi

Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing

Fine, I'll answer, this is a great first step toward introducing some common sense into our nation's drug laws. Now, do you want to buy some crack or not?


Justin Bell

Sherrod To Sue Breitbart

Shirley Sherrod, the former U.S. Department of Agriculture employee who lost her job because a heavily edited video posted online made her look like a racist, plans on suing blogger Andrew Breitbart for posting it. What do you think?

Litigiousness often goes hand in hand with unrepentant racism.


Lynda Cross

Sherrod To Sue Breitbart

I'm always scared of people taking my words out of context. That's why I make sure never to say the words 'I am a racist.' Oh wait, crap.


Oren Parnell

Sherrod To Sue Breitbart

Suing people who edit online videos unfairly isn't going to solve the problem. Unfairly editing an online video in direct retaliation is going to solve the problem.


Warren Banner

Rangel Going To Trial Over Ethics Charges

Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-NY) will face 13 charges of violating congressional ethics rules and guidelines, including accepting gifts over $50 and failing to report rental income on a beach villa in the Dominican Republic. What do you think?

To be fair to Rep. Rangel, the gifts may have been over $50, but they were still pretty stupid gifts.


Jessica Lawrence

Why didn't he use all those secret gifts to bribe his way out of this?


Victor Jackson

If our representatives aren't allowed to accept expensive gifts, how in the world are they supposed to know what to vote for?


Katy Samson

Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout

In a speech before the Disabled American Veterans convention, President Obama reaffirmed plans to remove troops from Iraq at the end of this month, but acknowledged there may yet be more fighting. What do you think?

This is a bad idea. After we're gone, there's nothing to stop Saddam Hussein from coming back.


Darren Wilson

Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout

With luck, as promised, our troops will be home in time for Halloween.


Roger Sloan

Obama Confirms Iraq Pullout

I hope he's not just yanking our chain this time, because I already blew our ribbon-magnet budget on school supplies.


Tom Waynesboro

FBI Demands Wikipedia Pull Down Seal

The FBI sent Wikipedia a letter telling the user-edited encyclopedia to remove an image of the bureau's seal. What do you think?

Really? Oh, man, I wish I'd learned what the FBI seal looked like while I still had the chance.


Art Chandler

FBI Demands Wikipedia Pull Down Seal

If people want to see the seal, they should buy an authorized copy from a licensed vendor.


Debbie Cho

FBI Demands Wikipedia Pull Down Seal

Too late. The terrorists probably know that the FBI exists now. Thanks a lot, Wikipedia!


Kayla Jones

Joblessness Not A Factor In Stimulus Money

A survey of the distribution of federal stimulus money reveals that states with the highest unemployment are among those receiving the least recovery funding. What do you think?

That makes sense. It's just like with the regular distribution of money.


Dustin Reynolds

If they wanted money they'd get a promotion like me. Did you get my e-mail about my promotion?


Josh Walters

Hey! I didn't want to hear any specifics about what the government was going to do with the money when they passed the stimulus, and I certainly don't want to hear any now.


Johnny Benjamin

Kagan Confirmed To Supreme Court

With her confirmation by the U.S. Senate Thursday, former Harvard Law School dean Elena Kagan becomes the fourth woman to serve on the Supreme Court. What do you think?

Is she nice? Because I just got another DUI, and I could really use a cool judge this time around.


Marianne Thomerson

Kagan Confirmed To Supreme Court

Now my daughters will know that they, too, can grow up to be the fourth woman on the Supreme Court.


Lee Barnstable

Kagan Confirmed To Supreme Court

I don't care how many women there are on the Supreme Court; I'm still going to refer to all of them as the Girl Judge.


Lou Burger

Mary Hart Leaving 'Entertainment Tonight'

Entertainment Tonight cohost Mary Hart announced that she would leave the venerable entertainment news program after this, her 30th season. What do you think?

I'm sure she wants to spend more time being eerily pert with her family.


Katie Shaw

Oh, no! She's the only person I trust to keep me abreast of the day-before-yesterday's entertainment news.


Harry Clark

Mary Hart is an American icon. She inspired an entire generation of women to grow legs.


Karla Lovell

Diamond Dave Back With Van Halen

According to an announcement from Warner Music Group, David Lee Roth will be rejoining Van Halen for a new album and a tour in 2011. What do you think?

That's awesome, because I've refused to let myself rock out since they broke up in 1985.


Will Swigert

Diamond Dave Back With Van Halen

Dave's back in the band? I guess the economy really is shit.


Warren Haise

Diamond Dave Back With Van Halen

I'll go to that tour, but only if someone promises me that none of the original fans will be taking their shirts off.


Jay Shepard

Radioactive Boars Roaming Germany

Nearly 25 years after the nuclear power plant disaster in Chernobyl, Germany is faced with a booming population of irradiated boars. What do you think?

It's just a matter of time before someone gets bitten and becomes a superhero with the proportional strength and burrowing instinct of a boar.


Alexander Mattingly

Radioactive Boars Roaming Germany

It's probably a good idea to give the Germans something to cull every once in a while, so that urge doesn't get out of control again.


Sophia Roosa

Radioactive Boars Roaming Germany

Wow, that's…schadenfreude? Weltschmerz? Verfremdungseffekt? What's the German word for being scared shitless?


Natalya Clark

Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug

A new strain of bacteria that is immune to most antibiotics has been found in patients who underwent surgery in India, and its imminent spread is worrying experts. What do you think?

Why would you travel all the way to India for surgery when you can get third-world health care right here in your own backyard?


Eddie Bryant

Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug

I don't give a shit. I've got a doctor in Bangalore who will take this bullet out of my neck without asking any questions.


Carson Lamb

Medical Tourism May Spread Superbug

Good thing I became a weirdo in 2007 and haven't left my house since.


Joe Clayton

'Cathy' Coming To An End

Cathy Guisewite, the creator of Cathy, is ending her syndicated daily comic strip after 34 years. What do you think?

There's only one reason why an author should stop writing, and that is…shoe sale!


Magda Warczyk

'Cathy' Coming To An End

Now what will I clip out and tape to my office door to remind my coworkers that I'm a woman?


Mobile Service

'Cathy' Coming To An End

As long as Aunt Fritzi is still around to give me my morning wood, then I am gold.


Tom Ribot

Humans Used Tools Earlier Than Thought

According to the current issue of Nature, scientists found two scored mammal bones demonstrating that humanoids used tools to cut meat 3.39 million years ago, nearly a million years earlier than previously thought. What do you think?

That's pretty clever if the tool was a knife, but pretty dumb if they were trying to use a spoon to cut meat.


Sandy Quine

Humans Used Tools Earlier Than Thought

Just today I was using scissors and felt them cut through a coupon with the ease of 3.39 million years' experience encoded into my genes.


Frank Richards

Humans Used Tools Earlier Than Thought

You don't need to tell me how cool humans are, sir. I already know.


Kelly Stevenson

China Now Second Biggest Economy

With a $1.337 trillion gross domestic product last quarter, China surpassed Japan as the world's second largest economy. What do you think?

Well, that'll change once the Japanese industrial war machine gets back up and running.


Sam Field

China Now Second Biggest Economy

I had no idea China was doing so well. Last I checked they were still on their heels following the suppression of the Boxer Rebellion in 1901.


John Koch

China Now Second Biggest Economy


Marcus DeVilla

Israeli Ex-Soldier In Facebook Photo Controversy

A former Israeli soldier is under fire for posting photos on her Facebook page in which she poses with bound Palestinian prisoners. What do you think?

I guess Palestinians traditionally believe it's degrading to be bound and photographed with your smiling captor. Talk about your cultural divides.


Jason Hunt

Detainees aren't the best choice for a photo background, but then, nothing beats a big plastic burger framed by your mouth.


Lorraine Cavaliere

Listen, if the Palestinians find the pictures humiliating, then they can just untag themselves.


Jerri Rew

More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss

An analysis of data over a 15-year period shows that 19.5 percent of teens have experienced hearing loss, an increase of nearly a third that is mostly attributable to earbud use. What do you think?

No big deal. I've heard a bunch of stuff in my life, and there's really nothing that important.


Paul Windsor

More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss

Great, now I'm going to have to start passing notes to my daughter telling her to lose some weight.


Barry Davies

More Teens Suffering Hearing Loss

You know who lost his hearing because of loud music? Pete Townshend. And now he goes out there every night and performs under the impression that his guitar is actually making sound. It's sad.


Larry Puleo

U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India

According to the head of the largest call center outsourcing firm in the country, the poor job market has made the cost of hiring a call center worker in the United States the same as hiring one in India. What do you think?

But what am I going to be indignant about to tech support, if not their location?


Dominique Pravdica

U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India

I knew that asshole was just pretending to have an Indian accent.


Matt Harris

U.S. Call Centers Cost Same As India

Oh, no. This completely undermines the premise of NBC's assuredly hilarious new fall sitcom Outsourced.


Bill Gira

Earth's Moon Shrinking

Recent analysis of the moon showed geographic features indicating that earth's only natural satellite is gradually contracting. What do you think?

C'mon, what are these guys, stupid? It'll grow back. It does every month.


Lindsey Westberg

Earth's Moon Shrinking

See? Everyone laughed at me when I mentioned how the moon looked smaller the other night. But who's laughing now?


Steve Hahn

Earth's Moon Shrinking

While its nemesis, Phobos, grows ever stronger.


Wendy Daniel

China's Massive Traffic Jam

For 10 days, traffic on a 60-mile stretch of highway outside of Bejing has been reduced to a crawl, with many predicting the bottleneck will last until mid-September, when road construction in the area is completed. What do you think?

Thanks for the heads up. I'll try to avoid that route.


Lee Harvey

China's Massive Traffic Jam

Maybe if those guys had left 20 minutes earlier, this wouldn't have happened.


Barry Pope

China's Massive Traffic Jam

Wow, China's going to have its hands full when all those female Traffic Babies start getting aborted.


Randy Callaway

Judge Halts Embryonic Stem Cell Research

A judge issued a temporary injunction Monday that has cut off federal funding of research involving embryonic stem cells. What do you think?

What's the big deal about saving these embryos? They're just going to be thrown away and then die like anyone else.


Tom Knighton

You mean all this time I could have been getting federal funding for my stem cell research?


Louise Gipp

Good, maybe now that paraplegic Anderson at work won't be so goddamned cocky anymore.


Veronica Bronski

72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch

On an abandoned ranch just south of the U.S. border, members of the Mexican navy discovered 21 rifles, four trucks, bulletproof vests, and 72 corpses. What do you think?

Is that a lot or a little? I haven't been keeping up with Mexico's crime stats.


Jimmy Hellyer

72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch

How could anyone live in such a place? Why don't they all just move up here?


Marc Somervile

72 Bodies Found On Mexican Ranch

See, this is exactly why I stopped delivering pizza.


David Kenyon

Beck Holds DC Rally

Conservative talk show host Glenn Beck held a rally on the National Mall on Saturday, the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream"" speech. What do you think?"

He really got our momentum going. Now, onward to take back Worcester, Mass. from Lucy Stone and the National Women's Rights Convention!


Rebecca Turner

Beck Holds DC Rally

I don't mind the MLK thing, but that's where Forrest Gump found Jenny!


Corwin Armstrong

Beck Holds DC Rally

Yeah, he really showed everyone how America has lost touch with its roots and explained why we absolutely need new leaders in the mold of our great Founding Fathers, like Glenn Beck himself, a Mormon with no aspirations of higher education.


Quentin Harris

Former RNC Chair Comes Out As Gay

Ken Mehlman, the head of the 2004 Bush re-election campaign and former chair of the Republican National Committee has come out to his associates and friends as being gay. What do you think?


Andrea Pezzola

Former RNC Chair Comes Out As Gay

Sometimes it takes you a while to realize who you really are. I mean, it was only last week that I finally admitted to myself that I was Deputy Director of Finance for a midsized East Coast municipality.


Paul Crosby

Former RNC Chair Comes Out As Gay

It was worth orchestrating the 2004 gay marriage debate if it got him out of overcomitting to his boyfriend.


Eileen Nahem

Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap

A case study in the Journal Of Clinical Orthodontics showed that over a period of seven years, a young woman playing with her tongue stud inadvertently caused a gap to form between her front teeth. What do you think?

Who cares? In seven years we'll all be so old anyway.


Renaldo Gonzalez

Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap

If you're going to put something roundish and irritating on your tongue for that long, why not make it a microscopic pebble? At least you'll eventually produce a pearl.


Kevin Tessler

Tongue Stud May Cause Tooth Gap

Seven years? But the Omar Sharif look-alike contest is this weekend!


Gary Bonniwell

Menopause Meds May Harm Kids

The Food and Drug Administration has warned that Evamist, a prescription spray used to control hot flashes in menopausal women, may cause premature breast development in children. What do you think?

By any chance does this effect happen instantly, with a distinct popping sound?


Terry Edgar

Menopause Meds May Harm Kids

Maybe I'll store it with my weed and see if my teenage son wants grass bad enough to grow boobs.


Sara Landon

Menopause Meds May Harm Kids

Where I come from, premature breast development is not necessarily a bad thing. Where I come from is a terrible place.


Delia Long

Number Of Illegal Immigrants Declining

A study from the Pew Hispanic Center found that with the economy continuing to falter, the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. has dropped for the first time in 20 years. What do you think?

Does this mean a 25-cents-a-day apple-picking position is finally open?


Jason Munro

Number Of Illegal Immigrants Declining

Maybe they've finally cottoned to the tactic of not saying they came here illegally.


Bob Kimball

Number Of Illegal Immigrants Declining

So a strong economy would bring back the illegals? Now I see why that rat Obama has been pushing for economic recovery.


Doug Thornton

Heavy Drinkers Live Longer Than Teetotalers

A new data analysis in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research found that people that abstained from alcohol died earlier than even heavy drinkers. What do you think?

This makes sense. I know when I get drunk I always feel invincible.


Penny Miller

What, really? I thought I'd only have to tolerate hearing that dentures-in-the-urinal story for maybe another five years tops.


Oliver Randolph

I hope my extra long life doesn't tip off my wife that I've been drinking.


Carter Wise

Sierra Leone Has Safest Internet

A survey of computer viruses and malware attacks found Sierra Leone was the safest place in the world to surf the web. What do you think?

The other feather in their cap is their rise to 145th in life expectancy.


Quinn Aaronson

Sierra Leone Has Safest Internet

It may not win me a lot of social approval, but my blood Office software runs like a dream.


Javier Bell

Sierra Leone Has Safest Internet

If I have to go there to check my e-mail, then so be it. Which bus do I take?


Paula Strange

Brain Exercises Don't Stop Alzheimer's

Researchers have found that while brain exercises can help slow the onset of Alzheimer's disease, they actually speed up its progress once symptoms of the illness have appeared. What do you think?


Devin Richmond

Brain Exercises Don't Stop Alzheimer's

Somebody should have stopped Ronald Reagan's long-standing tradition of counting to 25 everyday.


Jerry McKenzie

Brain Exercises Don't Stop Alzheimer's

Thank God. Now I can put away these goddamn grandchildren flash cards my daughter made me.


'America's Toughest Sheriff' Sued

The Justice Department sued Arizona's Joe Arpaio, the self-proclaimed "toughest sheriff"" in America

for failure to cooperate with a discrimination probe. What do you think?"

Was he discriminating against injustice? Because that wouldn't be so bad.


'America's Toughest Sheriff' Sued

I'd be scared that if I sued a sheriff he wouldn't let me date his daughter, who's probably the prettiest girl in town.


'America's Toughest Sheriff' Sued

What does discriminating against people in Arizona who have limited English and low-paying jobs have to do with targeting immigrants?


Lynn Dakarian

Health Insurance Costs Shifting To Workers

Employees paid an average of 14 percent more for family health coverage this year, while the amount contributed by their employers fell by 1 percent. What do you think?


Jan Kozlovsky

That's fine. I've got perfect health and a perfect job! Thanks for stopping by to say hello!


Warren Sackett

If you don't like it, go to Canada, where you'll die on the street waiting for medical attention and not understanding a word people say as they walk by, one after another, kicking you in the stomach for being sick.


Henry Roosevelt

McMansions Done?

According to the results of a survey by the real estate website Trulia, Americans no longer want to buy the oversized houses that characterized the housing boom of the 2000s. What do you think?

The time for that kind of extravagance may be over, but I have my eye on the perfect little gaudy, tasteless McStudio.


Becky Franklin

McMansions Done?

But where will people park their midrange Lexuses?


Roman Hamilton

McMansions Done?

Damn it. I guess we'll have to burn down the top floor so we can fit in with everybody else.


Victor Del Guidice

Excess Fat Diminishes Brainpower

A Northwestern University study found that for every point gained on a scale of obesity, older women lost mental skills. What do you think?

I thought there was a correlation. It's amazing how many dumb fucks are also dumb, fat fucks.


Mary Beke

Excess Fat Diminishes Brainpower

I don't know—my grandma's a little hefty, but you should hear her go through multiplication tables.


George Malone

Excess Fat Diminishes Brainpower

My wife is just as thin and as dumb as she was the day I met her.


Heather Altman

Cuba Going Capitalist?

Less than a week after the publication of an interview in which Fidel Castro allegedly admitted his nation's economic system was a failure, Cuba announced it would lay off up to 1 million or more government employees. What do you think?

But the Cuban sandwich is in no danger of losing its position, right?


Don Marine

Cuba Going Capitalist?

Not sure what's worse: a completely unrepentant tyrant, or one who admits he did all the wrong things for decades.


Matt Bloczynski

Cuba Going Capitalist?

Goddammit, I was just about to send off some resumés to Cuba.


Ryan Cashin

Amish Numbers Increasing

According to an annual survey by Elizabethtown College, the Amish population in North America has increased by 5 percent over the past year. What do you think?

Those people better not try to force their ways on the rest of us. I'll shoot a man who comes for my zippers.


Joey Moore

Amish Numbers Increasing

You mean the people who make my jam also have sex? Gross.


Carol Hildebrandt

Amish Numbers Increasing

When you own a family business that makes decorative rakes, that's the last news you want to hear.


Pam Day

Virginia To Execute First Woman In 97 Years

Unless the state's governor issues a stay of execution, Virginia will to execute Teresa Lewis on Sept. 23. What do you think?

This is so unfair. I'm sure she's only going to be given two-thirds of the poison that a man would get.


Marc Johnson

But it's not an execution; it's just a test to see if she's a witch. If she survives the potassium chloride injection, then we'll know for sure that she is one.


Ken Bennett

Oprah Selects Franzen Again

Despite the author publicly admitting his discomfort at his novel The Corrections being chosen as an Oprah Book Club selection in 2001, Oprah Winfrey has picked Jonathan Franzen's new book, Freedom, as her latest selection. What do you think?

Aww. I love it when off-putting snobs get a second chance.


Shelby Best

Oprah Selects Franzen Again

You'd think she'd go for something fresher, like an erotic vampire romance novel available exclusively through Amazon's print-on-demand service.


Dane Sotos

Oprah Selects Franzen Again

I don't know who I feel more embarrassed for: Jonathan Franzen for caving in and being on Oprah's Book Club twice, or me, for not finding time to read a book while Oprah Winfrey manages to read several.


Rick McKenzie

Poverty Rate Jumps

The U.S. Census Bureau found that during 2009 the number of Americans living in poverty increased from 39.8 million to 43.6 million. What do you think?

Yeah, that seems about right. Over the past year, I guess there have been a few hundred thousand more street people that I have to pretend not to notice on my walk to work.


Annie Watson

Poverty Rate Jumps

I'm shocked. I thought poverty was something that happened to other countries that systematically obliterated their middle class, but not us.


Michael Stapleton

Poverty Rate Jumps

Quick, print another 4.8 million copies of Atlas Shrugged.


Katherine Johnson

FDA Weighs Genetically Modified Salmon

The Food and Drug Administration is deciding whether to allow the cultivation of salmon genetically modified to grow at twice its normal rate. What do you think?

Oh, but they already grow up so fast as it is.


Matt Lunsford

FDA Weighs Genetically Modified Salmon

They can't be any worse for you than Bugles.


Jacob Lewis

FDA Weighs Genetically Modified Salmon

Of course they should allow it. Nothing makes food taste better than playing God with it.


Republicans Block Gays-In-Military Reform

Senate Republicans voted against a defense spending bill that included a provision to repeal the military's "Don't Ask

Don't Tell"" policy regarding homosexuality. What do you think?"

Good, I'm sick of the government butting into our personal lives to try and undo laws they made governing our personal lives.


Why don't they just use a system of color-coded holsters to find out who's gay, like my gun club does?


It's a good sign that the Senate Republicans acted not out of prejudice, but out of partisan vengefulness.


New Game Set In Michael Jackson's World

Planet Michael, a "massively multiplayer online virtual world"" based on imagery from Michael Jackson's songs and videos

is being developed by game publisher SEE Virtual Worlds. What do you think?"

Finally, we'll get to experience a wondrous fantasy world of make-believe like the one Michael lived in for almost his entire life.


New Game Set In Michael Jackson's World

I've been looking for a place to swap my mana for a sequined Juan Perón uniform.


New Game Set In Michael Jackson's World

Will they also have a level where I can go to his funeral and promote my album?


Arthur De La Croix

'Sesame Street' Pulls Katy Perry Segment

A Sesame Street segment featuring singer Katy Perry performing "Hot N Cold"" with Elmo was pulled because of complaints that she was showing too much cleavage. What do you think?"


Kelly Natividad

Great. I guess I'll have to find another clip to explain cleavage to my 5-year-old.


Greg Gavin

I thought they pulled it because Katy Perry didn't have enough cleavage, but I suppose your way makes more sense.


Sawyer Maitland

'Forbes' Wealthiest List Increased Wealth

Members of Forbes magazine's annual list of the 400 richest people in the United States outperformed the stock market over the past year, increasing their overall value by 8 percent. What do you think?

Okay, you sold me. I wanna be a rich guy, too.


Cam Read

That's it. From now on I'm putting all my money in the 400 richest people in the United States.


Greg Bardot

Is Forbes still in print because those 400 people buy every issue each month?


Laura Digard

Expired Medicines Collected By DEA

The Drug Enforcement Administration conducted a national initiative last weekend in which people could bring their expired and unwanted prescription medications for disposal, no questions asked. What do you think?

Look, DEA agents fight hard every day in a war they know they can't win; they deserve a little perk like free pills.


David Eubank

Expired Medicines Collected By DEA

The DEA has the safest and most reliable toilet for disposing of drugs.


Larry Williams

Expired Medicines Collected By DEA

Yeah, okay, fuck it, my hair's never growing back anyway.


Aric Hempel

Los Angeles Has Hottest Day Ever

Following a very moderate summer, temperatures in Los Angeles reached an all-time high of 113 degrees Fahrenheit this week. What do you think?

Then I'm glad my screenplay was rejected, because I'd hate to have to fly out and meet with all the big-time movie producers in that terrible heat!


Charles Gavin

Los Angeles Has Hottest Day Ever

I'll add L.A. to the list of places to wear my nice linen shirt.


Catherine Aivazian

Los Angeles Has Hottest Day Ever

Jeez, what's it going to take for the universe to finally succeed in killing off Jeff Goldblum?


Mia Myers

Executions Postponed Due To Drug Shortage

A national shortage of the anesthetic sodium thiopental has states scrambling to find a suitable replacement for scheduled executions. What do you think?

Maybe this will lead state governments to kill people in a normal way instead of sneaking around with poison.


Darby Collins

I just bought a 24-pack of Mountain Dew Live Wire, if that helps with anything.


Kenny Gray

Great. Now we'll have to find another day when everyone in our church group can attend.


Liam Armstrong

U.N. Appoints First Ambassador To Aliens

Malaysian astrophysicist Mazlan Othman has been designated as the first person extraterrestrial aliens will have contact with, should they exist and visit. What do you think?

In the past, the aliens had to take themselves out to Red Robin, and that is just unacceptable.


Kaitlyn Fredericksen

We already beamed out naked drawings of ourselves years ago. Shouldn't we wait until we get their pictures before talking more?


Kevin Steineckert

What makes us so sure the aliens will visit Malaysia first? Discover British Columbia: 'You gotta be here.'


Matthew Drummond

Fisher-Price Recalls 10 Million Items

Toy manufacturer Fisher-Price announced a recall of 10 million toys, high chairs, and tricycles due to safety concerns. What do you think?

Now I'm going to be stuck with my kids forever.


Claudia Patterson

Fisher-Price Recalls 10 Million Items

Good decision. That plastic ignition key on their toddler trikes could really do serious damage to a young child's nuts or hoo-hoo.


Gino Cauty

Fisher-Price Recalls 10 Million Items

Oh, crap. I hope it isn't any of the 10 million Fisher-Price items that I just purchased.


Lucy Armstead

Postal Rate Increase Denied

Postal regulators have rejected a proposal to increase stamp prices faster than the rate of inflation, blaming a flawed business model for the Post Office's financial troubles. What do you think?

They do have a terrible business model. They should go into landscaping instead.


Alex Wash

Postal Rate Increase Denied

Raising the price of stamps? Not again! Lousy government! Wait, postal regulators stopped the price increase? Damn bureaucrats! Lousy government!


Kevin Rhodes

Postal Rate Increase Denied

I don't know where I could have found that extra 6 cents a year I might have spent mailing letters. Oh, here's some change on the ground. A QUARTER! WOW!


Bill Scott-Crace

Trump Considering Presidential Bid

Reality-show star and board-game mascot Donald Trump announced that he was thinking about running for president in 2012. What do you think?

I could have sworn Donald Trump got canceled.


Martin Williams

Trump Considering Presidential Bid

Trump does have that I'm-just-like-you quality voters really seem to connect to.


Jessica Ryan

Trump Considering Presidential Bid

Honestly, I would love to weigh in on this, but right now I'm having trouble focusing on anything that is not directly related to Halloween. Three weeks away, guys!


Elisabeth Doyle

Clinton, Biden Trading Places?

Reporter Bob Woodward said that an exchange of positions between Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vice President Joe Biden is being considered by the White House. What do you think?

Someone should really tell the White House that this would actually give Joe Biden a lot more responsibility.


Mike Danielson

Clinton, Biden Trading Places?

I assume this is a desperate move by Hillary to get out of having to deal with Israel.


Brit Banquet

Clinton, Biden Trading Places?

That's risky. The second they catch Clinton speaking in her normal voice, the jig is up.


Sun Chips Abandons Biodegradable Bag

After numerous complaints that the new biodegradable Sun Chips bag was "too noisy

Frito Lay announced that it was returning to the original packaging. What do you think?"

Maybe they wouldn't have encountered so much resistance if they hadn't tried to position the product as a funeral snack.


Sun Chips Abandons Biodegradable Bag

I tried to sneak a bag into a movie theater and security tackled me as soon as I got out of my car.


Sun Chips Abandons Biodegradable Bag

Are you kidding me? I crafted my entire freshman year persona around being the 'Sun Chip Asshole.'


Brett Catapano

More States Allow Guns In Bars

Four states—Tennessee, Virginia, Georgia, and Arizona—have recently passed laws explicitly allowing licensed gun owners to bring concealed handguns into bars with them. What do you think?

That's nice, but it just makes me think of all the other great places I can't bring guns to.


Tricia Marlowe

More States Allow Guns In Bars

I don't understand the problem. What kind of nut wants to shoot a gun sober?


Bill Malcohn

More States Allow Guns In Bars

What a shame. It used to be that one guy would bring his gun to the bar and everyone would just take turns using it. It really built a sense of community.


Laura Brown

Democratic Candidate Shoots Bill In New Ad

In an apparent attempt to distance himself from the policies of President Obama, West Virginia Senate candidate Joe Manchin appears in his latest campaign ad shooting the cap-and-trade emissions bill with a rifle. What do you think?

Just to be sure, maybe someone should ask Manchin if he actually knows how a bill becomes a law and what a metaphor is.


Ivan Barry

The ad would have been more effective if he hadn't missed the bill and then driven off in his Prius.


Rick Clowes

I love the idea of shooting things I don't agree with. I'll be right back.


Warren Bagge

Scandinavians Tops In Gender Equality

Four Nordic countries, including Iceland, Norway, Finland, and Sweden, topped a recent survey ranking nations for gender equality. What do you think?

Sure, they're on top of the list right now, but just wait until the season when they have enough light to tell the men and women apart.


Blain Johnson

Scandinavians Tops In Gender Equality

It's true. When my company transferred me to Oslo, the men were patronized and underpaid just as often as the women.


Carol Wheeler

Scandinavians Tops In Gender Equality

I hope the U.S. didn't rank very highly. I like living in a country where the odds are stacked against me.


Carla Langhorne

Porn Star's HIV Status Causes Production Delays

An adult film actor's positive HIV test led porn producers Vivid Entertainment and Wicked Pictures to halt filming while other actors get tested. What do you think?

This just goes to show that if you're sick you shouldn't go to work.


Mark Fonda

I'd pay double to watch HIV porn. Does that make me a bad person?


Timothy Oates

Oh, no! What are their shareholders going to think?


Chris O'Dell

NY To Disallow Food Stamps Soda Purchases

The City and State of New York are urging the USDA to discontinue allowing the purchase of sugary beverages with food stamps. What do you think?

That's not fair! Rich people get all the blue drink they want.


Betty Fergusson

I don't know if I'm ready to deal with a poor population base that's suddenly healthy and strong.


Mick Giannelli

Great. Just when I come into a bunch of food stamps.


Keith Renn

Feds 'Friending' People On Facebook To Spy

Federal documents suggest both the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services and the Department of Homeland Security have encouraged agents to "friend"" suspects on Facebook in order to check for evidence of misdeeds. What do you think?"

That would probably explain all those videos in my feed of Keyboard Cat playing off deportees.


Emma Brand

Thanks for the heads up. I'd better get home and unfriend Janet Napolitano.


David Convex

So, these agents. How good are they at tending virtual crops?


Satra Paich

Merkel Says Multiculturalism Has Failed

German prime minister Angela Merkel told members of her Christian Democratic Union party that efforts to live side-by-side with Muslims have failed, and suggested all immigrants learn German and embrace Christian values. What do you think?

I think I have a pretty good idea where this is heading.


Sam Lukather

Merkel Says Multiculturalism Has Failed

To be fair, it's pretty hard to eat a bratwurst under a headscarf without looking like a real idiot.


Donald Williams

Merkel Says Multiculturalism Has Failed

On at least half of this point, Germany and al-Qaeda agree.


Leon Ashley

Candidate Unaware Constitution Provides For Separation Of Church, State

In a debate with opponent Chris Coons, Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell intimated she was unaware that the First Amendment provides a constitutional basis for the separation of church and state. What do you think?

So? When I started working as a receptionist, I'd never used Excel before. She'll get there.


Richard Haener

This probably also explains why she then immediately yelled at reporters and told them they had no guaranteed right to print what she had just said.


Darla Kullberg

I also don't know shit about our basic rights and freedoms as Americans. She is me!


Alicia Martsch

Mensa Membership Getting Younger

Since 2000, the number of Mensa members under 30 has increased 63 percent. What do you think?

Really? I would have figured way more old people would be falling for that scam.


Keith Plouf

Mensa Membership Getting Younger

I don't know. I just wanted to belong to something, and they had a hell of a lot fewer hoops to jump through than the Latin Kings.


Michael Roth

Mensa Membership Getting Younger

But if the number of young members has increased, doesn't that mean that there are even more ages now? And therefore people are even older? I'm not in Mensa.


Jason Connor

NPR Fires Commentator For Comments On Fox

National Public Radio fired commentator Juan Williams on Wednesday following an appearance on the Fox News program The O'Reilly Factor in which he said that seeing people in Muslim garb on airplanes made him uncomfortable. What do you think?

Who can blame him? They always take up all the flight attendants' time asking for halal meals.


Iris Cronin

Well, if Juan Williams said something offensive enough to get shit-canned from National Public Radio, it sounds like he aced the audition for The Juan Williams Hour on Fox News.


Philip Gibbon

This is particularly egregious in light of how leniently they treated Carl Kasell after a live mic caught him calling Terry Gross a cunt.


Logan Hooper

Brand, Perry Marry

British comedian Russell Brand wed pop star Katy Perry in a ceremony in India on Saturday. What do you think?

Aw. I love when people decide to get married in a place that holds no cultural or religious significance to them prior to the day of their wedding.


Chloe Savage

Brand, Perry Marry

This reminds me of when what's her name married what's his face. Unfortunately for them, I don't think it worked out.


Elijah Andridge

Brand, Perry Marry

Uh, I have nothing prepared. May your union be fruitful?


Xena Dine

Sony Stops Making Walkman

Sony has announced it will no longer manufacture the Walkman, the cassette player that revolutionized music portability 30 years ago. What do you think?

But what if I need to convince a coma patient that it's 1985?


Lloyd Martey

Sony Stops Making Walkman

You don't need a thousand songs at your disposal as long as you got your Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in the player and some Belinda Carlisle in your pocket if you need a changeover.


Randall Popp

Sony Stops Making Walkman

Oh, no! How is my eighth-grade girlfriend going to listen to that 'Our Love Is Synthesized' mix-tape I made her?


Joey Kilstein

Sex.com Domain Name Sells For $13 Million

Clover Holdings, a business based in the Caribbean, has paid $13 million to bankrupt company Escom for rights to the URL Sex.com. What do you think?

That seems steep. I only paid like $15 for patheticjackingoff.com.


Gabe Knefel

I would like to know when these new owners plan to launch this site, as it is relevant to my interests.


Judy Ryman

Just so long as sex.edu isn't taken. Phoenix University's Aphrodite School of Fornicatory Arts really deserves its own site.


Dean McKaha

Halloween Costumes

What are you dressing up as for Halloween?

Whatever everyone's sick of hearing about.


Robin Story

Halloween Costumes

You don't strike me as enough of a Star Wars fan to get the reference.


Steven Butler

Halloween Costumes

Well, my girlfriend's going as a slut, so I guess I'm going as a sleazeball no matter what costume I decide to wear.


James Warshaw

Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook

Bookseller Barnes & Noble announced the release of a full-color, touch-screen version of its Nook e-reader last week. What do you think?

A Nook? No thank you! They'll be pulling this Borders Kobo from my cold dead fingers!


Tabitha Crane

Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook

There's a new Nook? You gotta be fucking shitting me.


Barry Kaplan

Barnes & Noble Releases Color Nook

It's only a matter of time before Oliver Twist is peppered with pop-up ads for gruel and waistcoats.


Fred Walter

Brazil Elects Its First Female President

Winning by more than 10 percentage points, Dilma Rousseff was elected the first female president of Brazil. What do you think?

This would be great news, if 'first' were 'millionth' and 'Brazil' were 'the kitchen.' Am I right, fellas?


Solveg Russell

Maybe a warm female touch is just what that country needs to turn around its bland, gray, button-down personality.


Tommy Organ

Who cares? I just voted for a professional wrestling actress.


Jackie Vandermark

Mariah Carey Pregnant

Pop singer Mariah Carey announced that she and her husband Nick Cannon are expecting a baby next spring. What do you think?

How inspirational. Now I'm going to go have a baby.


Oren Bishop

Mariah Carey Pregnant

She's a brave woman to defy the doctors who said she shouldn't have children because of the risk of permanent damage to her ass shapeliness.


Sean Posa

Mariah Carey Pregnant

That's great news! I was just heading to my shift at the suicide hotline and was totally drawing a blank on a reason why people should live.


Charles Sakes

Chicago Mercantile Exchange Selling Rain Futures

As of Nov. 1, investors can place money on the chances that it will rain. What do you think?

Finally, I can hedge against my potato-salad-related losses in the event the church picnic is rained out.


Devin Gray

I'd like to bet that it will rain sometime this winter. Do you have to be more specific than that, or did I just win?


Judy Flemming

I promised my husband I'd never gamble again, but okay, put me down for $500 on it never raining again.


White iPhone Delayed

Citing manufacturing difficulties, Apple announced that its long-awaited all-white iPhone would not be available until the spring. What do you think?

Apple's probably just making some last-minute tweaks to make sure the phone's hue is superior to the competition's.


Justin Darnielle

White iPhone Delayed

So there's going to be an all-white iPhone network and one for black people? Post-racial America my ass.


Calvin Merritt

White iPhone Delayed

Maybe I don't understand the problem here, but why don't they just make iPhones that are white?


Peter Schulter

Cameron Says Save 3-D For The Classics

Speaking to a group of industry insiders, James Cameron said that postproduction 3-D should only be applied to classic films like Jaws or Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. What do you think?

No way! Some of the worst movies ever have the most crap flying across the screen.


Yancy Bakken

Cameron Says Save 3-D For The Classics

And only for movies with performances worthy of Vincent Price.


Clem Havey

Cameron Says Save 3-D For The Classics

I don't understand. If they made old movies 3D, they'd be forced to rerelease them and charge…oh, I see.


Dave Oren

Alcohol Worse Than Heroin

The British medical journal The Lancet placed alcohol at the top of its list of socially harmful drugs, above even crack and heroin. What do you think?


Belinda Holbert

Alcohol Worse Than Heroin

THE LANCETT IS FULL OF SHIT. I'M DRUNK, SO CAN YOU PUT MY QUOTE IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND MISSPELL LANCET? THANKS.


Bryan Ferry

Alcohol Worse Than Heroin

Well, we all know the most dangerous drug of all is love, as evidenced by my 1975 hit song with Roxy Music.


Fran Vandermark

San Francisco Bans Happy Meal

The city of San Francisco banned the McDonald's Happy Meal because it was not living up to the city's basic nutritional standards. What do you think?

The better way to teach a child not to want McDonald's is to call them fat and jiggle their tummy in front of a bully.


Jeb Falzone

San Francisco Bans Happy Meal

But hamburgers are the only thing my 4-year-old and I have in common!


Rob Pisarri

San Francisco Bans Happy Meal

Why don't the San Francisco politicians do something to truly protect children, and ban all seismic activity within city limits?


Bruce Johnston

Do Toning Shoes Really Work?

A study by the University of Wisconsin–La Crosse suggests that toning shoes—special exercise shoes with rounded bottoms—provide no benefit over regular shoes. What do you think?

Yeah, if you really want a workout you need the shoes with the concave bottoms that stick to the floor like suction cups with every step.