Karen Wells

Dungeons & Dragons Creator Dies

Oh, that's sad. I wasn't aware Mr. Gygax was unwell. I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, pussies and faggots.


Tabitha Flynn

Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations

A Centers for Disease Control survey revealed that statistically few adults get immunization shots for common ailments, such as tetanus and influenza. What do you think?

If I'm getting immunized, I'm going for the good stuff, like the monkeypox and Japanese encephalitis, not your everyday garbage diseases.


Sam Fox

Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations

Without the smiley-face Band-Aid and Dum Dum lollipop, I hardly see the point.


Arnold Lithman

Adults Eschew Simple Immunizations

I don't mind having the flu every now and then, so I can give it to people I hate at work.


Danny Chulew

MPAA Backs Off College Students

After charging that college students were responsible for 44 percent of revenue losses due to illegal downloading of movies, the Motion Picture Association of America recently conceded that the number was closer to 15 percent. What do you think?

However, they are 70 percent responsible for the 'American Pie' sequels.


Paula Kleppe

MPAA Backs Off College Students

I still don't think that's true, I only downloaded about 7 percent of 'Spider-Man 3' before my roommate told me it sucked.


Christopher Rimes

MPAA Backs Off College Students

Movie theaters have sticky floors, and the concessions cost too much money. People bring their infants to inappropriate movies, where they cry loudly. Perhaps one of these humorous observations could account for decreased revenue.


John Lally

Lawyer Sues Casinos Over Gambling Addiction

A former lawyer has named six Atlantic City casinos in a $20 million lawsuit claiming that they did not prevent her from losing nearly $1 million. What do you think?

This lawsuit is completely unnecessary. She should realize that she can always still win it back.


Laura Fidao

I thought Atlantic City was just a joke. Is that a real place?


Danny Fonseca

I hope she loses, so she can sue the Justice Department for even more.


Monique Rennebohm

Sedatives In New York Drinking Water

A test of the reservoir that supplies drinking water for New York city turned up traces of numerous drugs, including caffeine, hormones, and sedatives. What do you think?

New York tap water is the healthiest around. It cures my headaches and regulates my periods.


Len Berman

Sedatives In New York Drinking Water

That wasn't intentional? I thought it was just another one of Bloomberg's innovative social-control initiatives.


Peter Mattioli

Sedatives In New York Drinking Water

Oh, gosh. I hope they never run a test on Mountain Dew Code Red. I'd rather just not know.


Bingham Irving

The Fed's Bank Bailout

The Federal Reserve announced that they would be setting up a $200 billion program to assist struggling banks. What do you think?

They say that you can judge the heart of a country by its treatment of its banks.


Joe Pullman

The Fed's Bank Bailout

They should give it all to my branch—they have really crappy lollipops.


Lynn Fitzpatrick

The Fed's Bank Bailout

Giving money to institutions that failed at their only job, which was to have money, may not be the best strategy.


Amy Schilling

New York Governor Resigns

After confessing to being involved in a prostitution ring, New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday. What do you think?

How embarrassing. I hope the media doesn't make too big a deal out of this story of big money, unbridled power, and hot sex.


Trey Shoemate

New York Governor Resigns

I can't blame Spitzer, really. Have you ever been to Albany? Not a lot to do up there except govern.


Paul Mallen

New York Governor Resigns

My daughter lives in New York! I hope to God she wasn't involved—was she one of the prostitutes? Is my daughter a prostitute? Has anyone in New York seen Laura Mallen?


Leslie Bartlett

Florida Democrats Mail It In

Florida Democrats are trying to have a mail-in primary so their delegates' votes will be counted at their party's convention. What do you think?

When did counting votes become part of the process?


Brenda Holmes

Florida Democrats Mail It In

It's comforting to know this nation's policy on choosing a presidential candidate will be handled the same way as entering a Nutter Butter sweepstakes.


Anton Dunn

Florida Democrats Mail It In

Oh, and I'd just love to see how much the U.S. postmaster general donated to the Florida Democratic Party.


Jerome Bitner

China Cracking Down On Tibet

China has been cracking down against protesting Tibetans, leading to widespread unrest and nearly 100 fatalities. What do you think?

If those protesters had the sense to chant and make signs in English, I might be more sympathetic.


Janelle Varney

China Cracking Down On Tibet

Man, remind me not to visit China anytime soon! Just kidding. I would never leave the United States.


Barry Finch

China Cracking Down On Tibet

This is going to set back China's human rights advances at least three months.


Cynthia Meline

Flaws In FBI Watchlist

An audit revealed that there were notable inaccuracies over the past three years in information the FBI was providing to the government about terror suspects. What do you think?

The list's flaws are, at the very least, overstated. We will bring Osama bin Goldberg to justice.


Jaime Bavitz

Flaws In FBI Watchlist

You can't expect the FBI to provide reliable information when they disavowed the supernatural for nine seasons on The X-Files.


Marcus Haynes

Flaws In FBI Watchlist

Accurate, inaccurate—look, do they want the information or not?


Matt Norton

Choking Game Deadly

According to a recent government report, the choking game, in which people restrict their oxygen flow in order to achieve a moment of euphoria, has killed 82 youths since 1995. What do you think?

Why is it that a few irresponsible kids have to go and spoil choking for the rest of us?


Kelvin Hart

Choking Game Deadly

History sure does repeat itself. They used to say the same thing about the slice-yourself-in-the-jugular game.


Angel Mould

Choking Game Deadly

I predicted something like this would happen when they took the good shit out of model glue.


Christine Yu

Clinton Wants New Primary

Hillary Clinton is calling on Barack Obama to overturn the ruling of the Democratic party and concede to accepting a "do-over"" primary in Florida. What do you think?"

Look, there's no way Obama's going to go for that. He hates peninsulas.


Trevor Coleman

Clinton Wants New Primary

Can we have a do-over election here, too? I completely blew my first vote on Dodd.


Corey Ledderer

Clinton Wants New Primary

It's nice to see Hillary Clinton finally asserting herself.


Ben Chalmers

Is Europe Al-Qaeda Target?

In a new audiotape, Osama bin Laden blasted Danish newspapers for republishing cartoons featuring images of the Prophet Muhammad, and threatened action against Europeans. What do you think?

When is bin Laden going to start talking about real issues, like global warming?


Amy Myer

Is Europe Al-Qaeda Target?

Ah, that bin Laden guy is all talk. Sometimes.


Ed Patterson

Is Europe Al-Qaeda Target?

It's a waste of time trying to intimidate Denmark. As long as there is one Danish person alive to put a pen to paper, there will be a poorly-rendered, silly-captioned Muhammad cartoon.


Louis Dahlkemper

Meat Factory Explodes

An Arkansas meatpacking plant exploded on Sunday, destroying the factory and forcing nearly 200 people living nearby to evacuate their homes. What do you think?

It's nice to hear about a backwoods explosion that doesn't have anything to do with meth.


Meridith Hume

Meat Factory Explodes

This is really frightening, but mostly because it means I might be able to project my thoughts into reality.


Timothy Rudgers

Meat Factory Explodes

If Upton Sinclair were alive today, he'd be running into the street for free meat just like the rest of us.


Cassie Binnis

Gibson Sues Over Guitar Hero

Guitar maker Gibson is suing MTV Networks and Electronic Arts, stating that the company has not been paid for a patent it owns for virtual guitar playing. What do you think?

Finally, the name Gibson will be synonymous with fake guitars.


Tim Bradley

Gibson Sues Over Guitar Hero

Now that I think of it, Capcom never paid me a dime for the patent I hold for virtual street fighting.


Bruce LaSaard

Gibson Sues Over Guitar Hero

Excuse me, but after last week's championship game at Ray's Creekside Tavern, I believe it is I who owns Guitar Hero.


Aaron Feit

25% Of Teen Girls Infected With STD

In a new study, the Centers for Disease Control found that at least one in four teenage girls nationwide has a sexually transmitted disease. What do you think?

Let's look on the bright side: At least they are gaining the respect of their male peers.


Peter Hoeksema

25% Of Teen Girls Infected With STD

Or in the case of Northside High School, four out of four teenage girls. Northside sucks! Go Warriors!


Maria Isaacs

25% Of Teen Girls Infected With STD

I had no idea that three-fourths of teen girls were so ugly.


Allie Modell

90210 Being Remade

Nineties teen soap opera Beverly Hills 90210 is being remade with a whole new cast of characters. What do you think?


Austin Robinson

90210 Being Remade

I heard they had to get all the information about the original 90210 from the last surviving cast member.


Matt Heller

90210 Being Remade

If today's youth lacks anything, it's cable TV shows that provide a window into the lives of overprivileged Beverly Hills trust-fund kids.


Ben Shapiro

McCain Highlights Foreign Policy Differences

In an effort to distance himself from President Bush's foreign policy, John McCain called for closing Guantanamo Bay and said the Unites States could not consider ourselves a lone superpower. What do you think?

After Bush slandered him for fathering an illegitimate black child and challenged his status as a war hero, this is how McCain repays him?


Laurie Frendrich

No more Gitmo? Then where would President McCain put all the enemy combatants that we capture in Iraq over the next thousand years?


Paulo Garcia

He probably didn't need to end his speech with 'Ya happy now?'


Nick Causey

Al-Qaeda Recruiting Western-Looking Operatives

Central Intelligence Director Michael Hayden said on Meet The Press that al-Qaeda was training operatives who "look Western"" in order to pass undetected. What do you think?"


Becky Teasley

You mean someone who looks as white as Timothy McVeigh might be a terrorist?


Keith DelBueno

Given the 10-year lag in pop-culture transference, the CIA should keep an eye out for terrorists who look like the cast of Mad About You.


Dawn Patterson

Farmers Planting Less Corn

Despite a record demand for corn caused in part by ethanol fuel, American farmers are expected to plant 8 percent less corn in 2008 than they did last year. What do you think?

I'm sorry; people have been putting corn in their cars? Did I fall asleep and wake up 500 years in the past?


Sam Reese

Farmers Planting Less Corn

I'm surprised how quickly the farmers were able to master OPEC-style supply and demand manipulation.


Larry Kemmis

Farmers Planting Less Corn

I knew the day would come when a corndog would lend me an air of affluence.


Jon Evans

Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver

Rock band Velvet Revolver has parted ways with singer Scott Weiland, saying in a statement that Weiland "wasn't 100 percent committed"" to the fans or music. What do you think?"

How can anyone measure up to Slash's professional standards of excellence?


Oliver Topper

Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver

If Weiland doesn't get sober, he'll end up just like Kurt Cobain. Actually, that's a bit extreme. He'll be more like Layne Staley.


Anya Lonberg-Holm

Weiland Out Of Velvet Revolver

It was a glorious run but after some albums and tours and interviews, I guess the time has come to move on.


Heather Pierce

Bernanke Says Recession Possible

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the United States would face stagnation, and possibly recession, in the first half of 2008. What do you think?

Poor guy. Is he really the last person they told?


Colin Morrison

Bernanke Says Recession Possible

Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the $5 bill I just found on the sidewalk?


Rob Dotson

Bernanke Says Recession Possible

As a T.J. Maxx employee, I've boosted the confidence of every consumer in the store by giving them compliments and winking at them.


Lyle Anderson

Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales

According to the most current available retail statistics, Apple Inc. has surpassed Wal-Mart to become the No. 1 music retailer in the country. What do you think?

If Apple starts offering Looney Tunes mud flaps for download, then Wal-Mart is really in trouble.


Bernice Niles

Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales

The problem is that Wal-Mart doesn't make it easy enough to get drunk and download 30 copies of the theme to Robocop.


Thom Budisch

Apple Tops Wal-Mart In Music Sales

Apple deserves a lot of credit for rescuing and preserving the paying-for-music tradition.


Rodrigo Bennet

Charlton Heston Dies

Charlton Heston, National Rifle Association spokesman and star of The Omega Man, The Ten Commandments, and Planet Of The Apes, died Saturday at 84. What do you think?

No, I'm pretty sure you're thinking of Mickey Rooney. Charlton Heston has been dead for at least five years.


Tracy McManus

Charlton Heston Dies

It must have been comforting for him to pass away peacefully in his home instead of in a MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE!!!


Steve DeVoto

Charlton Heston Dies

I send my thoughts and prayers to the Heston family. I'd also like to know when and where the funeral service is going to be held so I can send an ammunition wreath.


Lacey Edleston

Clintons Made $109 Million

According to recently released tax returns, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton and former president Bill Clinton have made $109 million since they left the White House. What do you think?

And to think, it would only take a tiny fraction of that to buy my vote.


Chuck Thompson

Clintons Made $109 Million

Wow. I'm going to try my hand at this memoir-writing and inspirational-speaking game.


Art Casey

Clintons Made $109 Million

Haha! Jay-Z has more money than the Clintons! Jay-Z is richer than the Clintons!


Anthony Rector

Homeland Security Waives Environmental Law

The Department of Homeland Security used its authority to waive environmental and land-management laws to complete a 670-mile border fence between the United States and Mexico. What do you think?

Hey, sometimes you've got to break the rules to do what you know is right—unless that involves crossing a border, of course.


Vic Brennan

They should at least have to make up for the damage by adding a nice trellis or some ivy.


Rosario Miller

In the Department's defense, a lot of wildlife was sneaking across that border to do God knows what.


Heidi Marsico

Beer Production Threatened By Climate Change

According to New Zealand climatologist Jim Salinger, climate change may result in reduced malted barley, which would limit beer production. What do you think?

Very clever, 'Dr. Salinger,' or should I say, Al Gore!


Hans Weinburger

Could this limit the ability of my neighbor to brew his own beer, discuss brewing his own beer, boast about his talent for brewing beer, and browbeat his neighbors into trying his beer? Because in that case this could be a good thing.


Tom Fellows

Doesn't affect me. I was born a butterscotch-schnapps man, and I'll die a butterscotch-schnapps man.


Paul Oswald

Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple

Authorities searching a temple in the Texas compound of the Fundamentalist Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints found a bed they believe was where underage brides were forced to have sex with their new husbands. What do you think?


Theresa Kurtz

Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple

Hey, they bought the calf, so the veal wasn't free.


Jeff Cafarelli

Bed Found In Fundamentalist Temple

How do they know that's what the bed was used for? Did they smell it?


Ralph Liples

One in Five Scientists Use Brain Enhancing Drugs

One in five respondents to a poll conducted by the journal Nature said they had used drugs to boost their brain power. What do you think?

The real danger here is the use of these drugs by aspiring scientists trying desperately to emulate their heroes and to secure their own fame and fortune.


Cara McKay

I can't wait to see that smug fuck Albert Fert stripped of his Nobel.


Perry Kelly

When will scientists learn that real progress comes from the heart, not from some test tube full of chemicals.


Taylor Barnes

Obama Dogged By 'Bitter' Remarks

Barack Obama continues to be criticized after telling a San Francisco crowd that people in economically depressed towns were bitter about government and turned to religion and guns. What do you think?

He forgot to mention the Sizzler. Poor people love that place.


Pete Crespin

Obama Dogged By 'Bitter' Remarks

Joke's on them. The government controls those things, too.


Artie Jefferson

Obama Dogged By 'Bitter' Remarks

Hillary knew a young, inexperienced Obama would slip up sooner or later and be honest with people.


Mike Pocelli

FCC Fines Electronics Retailers

The Federal Communications Commission levied nearly $6 million in fines to retailers such as Best Buy and Sears for failing to inform consumers that their new analog televisions will be obsolete with next year's digital conversion. What do you think?

I feel like they should also fine them for being very stressful, claustrophobic, unhappy places to shop.


Josh Brown

FCC Fines Electronics Retailers

I'm appalled that Best Buy floor reps withheld their vast knowledge and expertise from customers.


Sharoz Peterson

FCC Fines Electronics Retailers

They will have no problem paying that fine; they just sold a shitload of obsolete analog televisions.


Louise Banner

Plastics May Emit Toxins

A new report from the National Toxicology Program has raised concerns about bisphenol, a chemical found in baby bottles and sport water bottles that may be linked to breast cancer, prostate cancer, and early-onset puberty. What do you think?

Well I guess that pink sports bottle they gave me for running the breast cancer 5K was some sort of sick joke.


Ken Wooley

Plastics May Emit Toxins

Really? I'd better stop feeding my daughter until I can get her baby pictures taken.


Dean Logan

Plastics May Emit Toxins

Please don't blame the bottles. Everyone knows that people who get prostate cancer have no one to blame but themselves.


Ben Close

Poll: McCain Getting Even

According to an AP-Yahoo poll, Sen. John McCain was roughly tied with any Democratic candidate, a dramatic shift from a November poll in which a potential Democrat candidate was preferred over a Republican by a 13 percent margin. What do you think?

The American people are getting harder and harder to predict when they start wanting a white man for president.


Judy Napier

Poll: McCain Getting Even

That's pretty big news heading into the pivotal month of May.


Matt Rivers

Poll: McCain Getting Even

Just think how his popularity will soar after Clinton and Obama kill each other.


Carl Hamper

Pope Delivers Yankee Mass

Pope Benedict XVI concluded his trip to the United States by celebrating Sunday Mass at New York's Yankee Stadium. What do you think?

I thought his homily delivery got a little erratic late. Girardi should have yanked him during the liturgy of the Eucharist.


Beth Aiken

Pope Delivers Yankee Mass

See? I thought that was a particularly slow, rigid, unbending game.


Ben Carroll

Pope Delivers Yankee Mass

I was there and it was historic and everything, but come on, $7.50 for a puny wafer and 11 bucks for a sip of wine? I could've stayed home and watched the Holy Communion on TV for free.


Wendy Garelick

Sims Sales Top 100 Million

EA Games announced that it has sold 100 million units of its life-simulation video game The Sims since 2000. What do you think?


Otis Hazelden

Sims Sales Top 100 Million

Computer games are for pussies. I play with real dolls.


Brian Salmon

Sims Sales Top 100 Million

So one in three Americans isn't actually real?


Josh Austin

Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets

An 84-year-old former Army engineer was arrested for passing on defense secrets to Israel, including documents about nuclear weapons, between 1979 and 1985. What do you think?

Are they sure he passed on those secrets deliberately? I know some pretty loud Israelis.


Lou McDonald

Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets

You mean someone was actually interested in our secrets? I find that flattering.


Jessie Trank

Army Engineer Passed Nuclear Secrets

Imagine the horrifying scenario that could have played out where Israel used our secrets to build their own weapons rather than buying them directly from us.


Nancy Kramer

Snow Moves To CNN

Former Fox News personality and White House press secretary Tony Snow will join CNN as a political contributor. What do you think?

At last, the cable news networks are catching on. When you hire glamorous celebrities that young people love, more people will start watching the news.


Mike Magnuson

Snow Moves To CNN

That makes a total of two networks I won't be seeing Tony Snow on.


Chris Licht

Snow Moves To CNN

That's good, because I've been wondering if Tony Snow has some additional opinions he was unable to express as a correspondent on Fox News and as White House press secretary.


Kendall Richards

Diet Could Affect Gender

A new report from Oxford and the University of Exeter in England says that diet at conception can influence the sex of the child. What do you think?

I want a girl but only have ketchup and boiled ham in the fridge. Where does that put me?


Elizabeth Houston

Diet Could Affect Gender

Maybe, one day, the foods that we eat during conception will stop us from making huge mistakes with dishwasher repairmen from Rahway.


Beau Justice

Diet Could Affect Gender

And if I'm not mistaken, I heard the diet after birth can influence the weight of the child.


Clayton Jeffries

Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales

Because of incidents of hoarding, Sam's Club and Costco have put limits on the amounts of certain kinds of rice consumers can buy. What do you think?

Oh no! Rice was my go-to side after they raised the cost of the spices with which I help my hamburger.


Eliza Park

Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales

What's next? Reasonable portions at The Cheesecake Factory?


Raphael Kula

Price Clubs Restricting Rice Sales

Then what will I have to go with all that sashimi in my basement?


Alice Peralta

Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean said that, in order to maintain party unity, either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would have to drop out of the presidential primary race. What do you think?

Shouldn't be a problem. The Clintons have always bowed out gracefully.


Roy Messner

Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

Nah, I bet they could also maintain unity if one of them died in a plane crash.


Kenny Stoyanoff

Dean: One Candidate Must Quit

I agree. Americans participating in the democratic process by getting to vote has become a needless waste of time.


Bruce Roh

Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted

A former administrative specialist at the UCLA hospital was indicted for illegally accessing the medical records of some celebrities, including Farrah Fawcett and Maria Shriver, and, in some cases, selling the information. What do you think?

Oh man, what was Farrah Fawcett's blood type? I bet it was AB+.


Dale Wilson

Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted

Any word on Bob Costas' records? Because I think he's the cause of this rash.


Deb Fine

Hospital-Record Snoop Indicted

Is this really that bad? In a way, it's almost a convenience to hear the results of your Pap smear just by turning on Access Hollywood.


Jackie Alpert

LSD Inventor Dead

Albert Hofmann, the Swiss chemist who created the hallucinogen LSD, died the age of 102. What do you think?

Shit. Did anyone remember to write down the recipe for LSD?


Tom Ostin

LSD Inventor Dead

It's just like I tell my kids: If you get involved with drugs, you're going to end up dead.


Bart Stein

LSD Inventor Dead


Walter Sanders

Walters Had Affair With Senator

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters admitted that she had an affair with former U.S. Sen. Edward Brooke. What do you think?

Of all the political figures she's interviewed over the years, I would've hoped she could have at least bedded Qaddafi.


Jessica Kupferberg

Walters Had Affair With Senator

I guess we can talk about it now that they're both pretty much dead.


Dan Weaver

Walters Had Affair With Senator


Steve Brown

Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot

The American Lung Association named Pittsburgh as the sootiest city in America. What do you think?

I'm still angry that my hometown, Philadelphia, was named No. 1 in sticky surfaces.


Victoria Belew

Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot

It's not surprising. Pittsburgh is where Mister Rogers' Neighborhood was taped, and that show alone pumped out over one million metric tons of carbon dioxide a year.


Alex Downie

Pittsburgh No. 1 In Soot

Well, it's better than being the snootiest. How d'ya like that, Greenwich, Connecticut?


Dana Morrell

Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think?

These warnings are crucial. If they'd told me what I really looked like, I never would have gotten the surgery.


Mark Madden

Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

The only name I'd trust in the way of clear and corrected vision is Ben Stein.


Neil Cebulash

Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

If Americans have been refusing to heed Foreigner's 'Double Vision' warning for the past 30 years, what chance does the FDA have of enforcing informed consent?


Jimmy Rawls

Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think?

Why didn't you tell me that you were going to mention peanuts? My throat is seizing up already! Quick, the epinephrine!


Daniel Mahone

Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

Did you know a peanut isn't really a nut? It's a legume! Did you know that? Huh?


Deirdre Barksdale

Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

Can they speed that up? I've got a pack of Nutter Butters that expires in 2010.


Sarah Fripp

Earliest American Scat Found

The earliest-known fossilized feces was found recently in Oregon, placing humans on the American continents 1000 years earlier than previously believed. What do you think?

I like to think that in thousands of years somebody is going to be looking at my poop.


Errol Judd

Earliest American Scat Found

Oh, sure. The only difference between a Nobel Prize and an injunction is a couple hundred thousand years.


Albert MacKay

Earliest American Scat Found

How can we be sure that some ancient nerd didn't just carry an already thousand-year-old petrified turd with him when he crossed over the land bridge from Asia?


Alexander Rodas

Optimism Can't Beat Cancer

A recent medical study suggests that your chances of surviving head and neck cancer are the same if you have a positive outlook or a negative outlook. What do you think?

Please don't tell that to my dad. He's been so nice to everyone lately.


Colleen Curtin

Optimism Can't Beat Cancer

Based on my observations, optimism also can't beat depression.


Will Braverman

Optimism Can't Beat Cancer

It must have been great to be in the control group that got all the chemotherapy drugs.


David Black

Jenna Bush Married

First daughter Jenna Bush was married to Henry Chase Hager on her father's ranch in Crawford, TX. What do you think?

So that makes him the Duke of Virginia now, right?


Jill Berg

Jenna Bush Married

It was good her dad could get down there 65 times over the last eight years and clean up some of that brush for the wedding.


Bob Fridenbourg

Jenna Bush Married


Elizabeth Carter

Law & Order" Actor Arrested"

Former Law & Order star Dennis Farina was arrested and charged with a felony after he took a loaded, unregistered handgun to an airport. What do you think?

Can't say I blame him. That Brookstone in Terminal One can get pretty dicey.


Lyle Greystoke

Law & Order" Actor Arrested"

There's always one loose cannon in every fictitious television precinct.


Doug Napier

Law & Order" Actor Arrested"

What's the big deal? Maybe he was just planning to shoot people on the plane.


Bill Echols

Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night'

NBC officially announced that Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien as host of Late Night in 2009. What do you think?

Was that annoying guy from the Verizon commercials unavailable?


Don Lee

Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night'

I didn't know his fans were allowed to stay up that late.


Anne MacLean

Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night'

You know, people groaned when they heard Jimmy Kimmel was getting his own show. And now, at least 15 percent of them have changed their tune.


Babette Kroll

Vatican Okays Space Aliens

Vatican chief astronomer Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes stated that belief in extraterrestrial life is not contradictory with church doctrine because aliens would still be God's creatures. What do you think?

Is that the same astronomer who pardoned Galileo? He's really on fire this decade.


Mark Klein

Vatican Okays Space Aliens

Get with the times, Catholicism. Scientology already proved that aliens are real.


Jerry Goodwiler

Vatican Okays Space Aliens

Sure, what's the harm in believing in two things with no physical evidence?


Henry Ryan

Edwards Endorses Obama

After months of speculation, former presidential candidate John Edwards has endorsed Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination for President. What do you think?

Gosh darnit, that's because the American people just plain old deserve better.


Margaret Bolton

Edwards Endorses Obama

Edwards continues to show real leadership. Most people would have waited until all 50 nominating contests were finished, but this guy stepped up after 47.


Ken Sutton

Edwards Endorses Obama

I guess there really are two Americas: the America in which he announced his endorsement in May and the America in which he announced his endorsement in February when it might have mattered.


Greg Morris

'Indy' Not So Hot

Following a screening of the long-awaited Indiana Jones movie at the Cannes Film Festival, reviews have been lukewarm at best. What do you think?

No worries. George Lucas will fix it 20 years from now.


Kira Pettibon

'Indy' Not So Hot

Uh-oh. Could this spell the end for Steven Spielberg?


Chuck Migdol

'Indy' Not So Hot

Let's not jump to conclusions. How are the reviews of the Crystal Skull ancillary merchandising?


Jane Green

Senator Byrd Endorses Obama

Ninety-year-old Senate president pro tempore and former Klansman Robert Byrd endorsed Barack Obama for Democratic nominee for president. What do you think?


Brandon Dowd

Senator Byrd Endorses Obama

This is going to put a lot of pressure on the KKK to formally endorse him.


Benjamin Isensee

Senator Byrd Endorses Obama

This must really sting for Hillary, there's nothing like vote of confidence from a 90-year-old man to revitalize your campaign.


Brendan Ackerman

Kennedy Has Brain Cancer

While hospitalized for a mysterious seizure, Sen. Ted Kennedy learned he has a malignant brain tumor. What do you think?

What a tragedy. Well, not compared to John. Or Robert. Or John-John. But, you know, still kind of a tragedy.


Rodney Knollin

Kennedy Has Brain Cancer

Whoo boy, brain tumor. I hope he's getting lots of fluids and rest. Or running around screaming 'I'm going to die!' Whatever works for him.


Shannon Lazarus

Kennedy Has Brain Cancer


Patty Rocks

Americans May Send Cell Phones To Cuba

President Bush announced that people living in the United States will soon be allowed to send cell phones to Cuba. What do you think?

I wish they'd let us send other stuff, because I got an old broken TV that I've been dying to get rid of.


Joe Black

Americans May Send Cell Phones To Cuba

Were we not allowed to before? My bad. I've sent a shitload of cell phones to Cuba over the years.


Will Elliott

Americans May Send Cell Phones To Cuba

It's about time. The mobile phones Cubans have now are often more than 50 years old. They've done a good job keeping them up, but the aerials get easily twisted in tree branches.


Chuck Gilberto

Court Upbraids Texas Over Polygamists

A Texas appeals court ruled that the state had no business taking more than 400 children from a polygamist compound outside of San Angelo. What do you think?

It's just nobody's business what polygamists do behind closed compound walls.


Astrid Patch

Court Upbraids Texas Over Polygamists

That's too bad. The children who'd been removed from the compound were just getting used to iPods and the Internet and not getting raped.


Karl Hayes

Court Upbraids Texas Over Polygamists

The same thing happened to me but with fireworks. Can I get those back, too?


Lee Chong

Playboy's Soft Quarter

Playboy Enterprises announced that they lost $3.1 million for the first quarter of 2008. What do you think?

Yeah, with the Internet, now everyone can just go to Granta Online and read quality essays for free.


Dora Flood

Playboy's Soft Quarter

I guess that means I'll have to stop saying 'Sex sells.' Man, I used to love saying 'Sex sells.'


Eddie O'Donnell

Playboy's Soft Quarter

Playboy lost my business a long time ago after I discovered Playgirl.


Layla Smerker

Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents

The Federal Drug Administration has banned the use of the anti-smoking drug Chantix by pilots or air traffic controllers, citing side effects that have been linked to auto accidents. What do you think?

Look, before people get upset with the FDA, they should know Pfizer meticulously test-marketed this drug for years, and turns out there's a large segment of the public who will risk insanity and death to stop smoking.


Rich Klenk

Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents

This might explain why the pilot on my last flight constantly came on the PA to point out smokestacks below the plane.


Matty Cimberg

Anti-Smoking Drug Linked To Accidents

This could make a good anti-smoking campaign: 'If you smoke, no matter what you do, you will die a horrible death.'


Logan Richardson

Germans Making 'Green' Bombs

Scientists in Germany are experimenting with new environmentally friendly explosives to use in combat. What do you think?

That's smart since peace talks spawn such a huge waste of paper.


Matthew Moore

Germans Making 'Green' Bombs

Well, if it's anything like the 'green' dishwashing liquid my wife makes us use, you'll have to use a ton of these 'green' bombs to have the same effect as one regular one.


Anna Hartsell

Germans Making 'Green' Bombs

Well that solves all of the issues that I have with warfare.


Linda Vega

Barr May Take Republican Votes

Former Republican congressman Bob Barr of Georgia was nominated as the Libertarian Party's presidential candidate and may take votes away from John McCain. What do you think?

And then there's Barack Obama. That guy's taking a huge chunk of the vote away from McCain.


Alan Chambers

Barr May Take Republican Votes

I'd gladly vote for Mr. Barr if I didn't consider the voter registration process such a flagrant affront of my personal liberties.


Andrew Saunders

Barr May Take Republican Votes

So up until this nomination, our best choice to ensure public rights and personal freedoms was John McCain?


Duane Pulvermacher

Barbie Suing Bratz

Barbie producer Mattel, Inc. is suing MGA Entertainment, saying that the company's Bratz doll was designed by a Mattel employee while under contract. What do you think?

There's no way that MGA could have thought up a female doll targeted towards young girls all on their own.


Amy Evans

Barbie Suing Bratz

Mattel is paying for its fateful refusal to create a hotter Midge.


Christopher Drolet

Barbie Suing Bratz

I hope Barbie wins. Those god-awful Bratz dolls set an unattainable standard of sass that no normal girl could ever live up to.


Gus Yarrington

Michigan, Florida Get Half Representation

The Democratic National Committee ruled that delegates from Michigan and Florida will get only half votes at the party's convention in August. What do you think?

Sounds like the kind of opaque and seemingly arbitrary arrangement that's sure to please everyone.


Pam Stroh

What losers. Have fun hanging out with Puerto Rico and Guam.


Chris Patterson

Given the emigration rate in Michigan and the mortality rate in Florida, I bet the revised delegate counts will actually be more representative of the states' populations come convention time.


Julie Porter

Spam Sales On The Rise

Sales of Spam, the Hormel canned-ham product, have increased 11 percent in the first quarter of this year. What do you think?

Spam is still a bit too pricey. I'm going to have to settle on Spologna.


Max Emmerson

Spam Sales On The Rise


Don Hazeltine

Spam Sales On The Rise

Somebody should make a movie about this.


Priyank Mehta

World Cluster Bomb Ban Excludes U.S.

The United States has opted out of a worldwide treaty that would ban cluster bombs. What do you think?

America is merely carrying on its rich heritage of hunting with cluster bombs.


Eddie Stone

World Cluster Bomb Ban Excludes U.S.

Haven't they learned that if they want the U.S. to sign something they can't go calling it a 'worldwide treaty'? They should have called it 'Resolution In Favor Of Ice Cream' or something.


Natalya Romanov

World Cluster Bomb Ban Excludes U.S.

I can see both sides here, but that's because my mind has been opened by Buddhism.


Toni Visconti

Ed McMahon May Lose House

After falling behind in payments, former Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon is in danger of losing his $6.25 million home. What do you think?

That's what he gets for giving his financial planner just two-and-a-half stars back when he was a Junior Vocalist.


Phil Bittan

Ed McMahon May Lose House

I'm sure there's someone in L.A. with a guest house who could use a pandering sidekick.


Carlos Murray

Ed McMahon May Lose House

Ed McMahon is caught in the same mortgage crunch as hundreds of thousands of other hardworking Americans with six-bedroom Beverly Hills mansions.


Angela Cogan

Clinton Suspends Campaign

While keeping her delegates, Hillary Clinton has suspended her campaign to be the Democratic nominee, leaving Barack Obama the party's presumptive candidate for president. What do you think?

Now she can go work for the private sector. Oh shit! I work in the private sector!


Peter Banker

Clinton Suspends Campaign


Asterios Balahoutis

Clinton Suspends Campaign

Someone who quits in the face of adversity would make a terrible president.


Bob Runciter

Texas Governor's Mansion Burned

A fire that severely damaged the Texas governor's mansion was intentionally set. What do you think?


Maureen Faine

Texas Governor's Mansion Burned

What single person could have had the motive to do this?


Joe Chip

Texas Governor's Mansion Burned

Hey man, it's Texas. They like their hats big, their cars big, and their arson high-profile.


Mala Haggarty

Samsung To Offer iPhone Rival

The day Apple announced its new 3G iPhone, Samsung unveiled a Windows-based touchscreen phone. What do you think?


Sam Mirk

Samsung To Offer iPhone Rival

Why can't Samsung just let Apple have the spotlight for once.


Jack West

Samsung To Offer iPhone Rival

I'm holding out till Kraft makes a phone.


Charlie Voyce

Former NASCAR Official Suing For Harassment

An ex-NASCAR inspector is suing the organization for wrongful termination and racial and sexual discrimination. What do you think?

These allegations make me feel a little ashamed to have Jeff Gordon's number and likeness tattooed on my chest.


Russ Isaacs

Someone must have forgotten to take down that tool girl calendar.


Tammy Parnell

CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up

While sales of CDs fell 17 percent between 2006 and 2007, sales of LPs rose 36 percent in the same period. What do you think?

I think at this point people are just fucking with the record industry as a whole.


John Bamford

CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up

LPs may be nice for the audio tourist, but wax cylinders have a warmer, more natural sound.


Carlos Feinglass

CD Sales Down, LP Sales Up

If there's a better format for listening to hissing, popping, and crackling than on a cumbersome yet fragile 12-inch piece of vinyl, I'd love to hear it.


Paulina Gillespie

Ron Paul Dropping Out

Months after John McCain became the presumptive Republican nominee for president, Ron Paul is dropping out of the race. What do you think?

What an idiot. This completely ruins any chance he had of becoming president.


Mark Balko

Ron Paul Dropping Out

I don't care what anyone says—my handmade 'Ron Paul '08' plywood sign is not coming down.


George Mangu-Ward

Ron Paul Dropping Out


Coco Kimball

Obama: Wife Never Said 'Whitey'

Barack Obama responded to rumors of a video that purportedly featured his wife, Michelle, going on a racist tirade, by claiming she's never used the word "whitey."" What do you think?"

What a vile way to exploit the national trauma associated with the w-word.


Albert Munro

Obama: Wife Never Said 'Whitey'

John McCain had better hope the Democrats don't dig into his past for racial epithets.


Geoff Goldsmith

Obama: Wife Never Said 'Whitey'


Grant Coopey

Tim Russert Dead

NBC Meet The Press host Tim Russert died suddenly of a heart attack on Friday. What do you think?

He's dead? But I just watched Meet The Press four years ago.


Karen Burton

Tim Russert Dead

Anyone who thought Cheney was going to let him off the hook for his Valerie Plame testimony was kidding themselves.


Matthew Dull

Tim Russert Dead

You know who would have done a great job covering such a stately Beltway funeral? Tim Russert.


Katla Braidwood

Obscenity Trial Halted Over Judge's Website

A Los Angeles pornography trial was suspended when it came to light that the judge had bestiality-tinged photos on his personal website. What do you think?

Well, good luck finding a judge that doesn't run a bestiality site.


Martin Heglund

Why do I always get stuck doing jury duty for the boring municipal traffic-ticket trials?


Jon Harwood

That's nothing. Have you ever seen the stuff on Justice Scalia's website?


Keith Joliceur

Opposition To Anheuser-Busch Sale Grows

Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO) has vowed to stop the sale of Budweiser manufacturer Anheuser-Busch to Belgian-Brazilian company ImBev. What do you think?

Those greedy Belgians. First they annex the German districts of Eupen-Malmedy in 1919, and now this.


Michael Mercer

Opposition To Anheuser-Busch Sale Grows

St. Louis is not about to give up its last remaining source of hometown pride after losing Scott Bakula to Hollywood.


Angela Mason

Opposition To Anheuser-Busch Sale Grows

Might I suggest that Sen. McCaskill actually try drinking a Budweiser before making any rash decisions? That's what I usually do.


Kambri Spencer

Muslim Woman Demands Obama Apology

A Detroit Muslim said that she was refused a seat behind Barack Obama's podium at a campaign rally because she was wearing the traditional head scarf. What do you think?

I thought we agreed to keep the Muslims in the nation's attic until the election was over.


Christian Bauer

Muslim Woman Demands Obama Apology

I don't blame him. I wouldn't let anybody sit behind me in Detroit


Doug Simmins

Muslim Woman Demands Obama Apology

Maybe she just wasn't worthy of sitting behind the head Muslim.


Kevin O'Malley

Straight Men, Gay Women Have Similar Brains

Swedish researchers have found that the brains of straight men and lesbians display many of the same characteristics. What do you think?

Great—I'm going to start asking my straight male friends to cat-sit.


Chelsea Carter

Though one group's inclination to fetishize the other is highly disproportionate.


Phyllis Stibbe

George Takei To Wed Partner

Following California's legalization of gay marriage, George Takei, best known as Sulu on Star Trek, has applied to marry his longtime partner. What do you think?

Wait…this Sulu didn't have a scar on his face, did he? Well, then, that's OK. Congratulations to the happy couple.


Paul Kanable

George Takei To Wed Partner

I'm wondering if I should send him a gift or just wait to give it to him in person at the next Comic Con.


Oren Campbell

George Takei To Wed Partner

Still not as shocking as when Kirk kissed Uhura.


Colin Wierzbowski

Unemployed Face Job Discrimination

More and more companies are requiring job applicants to already have a job. What do you think?

Makes sense to me. At my all-you-can-eat restaurant, we require you to show up full.


Wendy Van Leuwen

Unemployed Face Job Discrimination

As the head of a company myself, yes, I'd prefer that applicants already have jobs. Either that, or no work experience, an Ivy League diploma, and an entitled, overly confident attitude.


Rufus Lydecker

Unemployed Face Job Discrimination

And here I thought the trouble was me being a disabled, sixty-year-old black man.


Perry Templeton

Teens Ignore Mobile-Phone Laws

A new study from the insurance industry indicates that teens do not follow cell-phone laws while driving. What do you think?

My beautiful laws! Ooh, those pesky teenagers.


Quinn DuMonde

Teens Ignore Mobile-Phone Laws


Jonah Gerdes

Teens Ignore Mobile-Phone Laws

The more technology these kids have, the more entitled they act. When my mom used to tell me I was spending too much time on the upstairs extension, I'd just call her a bitch.


Tim Pew

Talking Through Tragedy Not Necessarily Beneficial

A study conducted by the University of Buffalo found that people who discuss their feelings following a tragedy are no more likely to feel better later than those who don't. What do you think?

This is all the more reason not to listen when people start yammering about their problems.


Marissa Harvey

I think our news organizations would tend to differ with these findings.


Martin Howard

The only way I can deal with the trauma of losing my left arm is to call that corn picker a piece of shit.


Wendy Heller

Stress In Pregnancy Influences Asthma

A recent study shows that if a pregnant woman is exposed to high levels of stress, her child is more likely to develop asthma or allergies later in life. What do you think?

Stress this, stress that. When will these researchers understand that my mother just didn't love me enough?


Carly Emerson

Stress In Pregnancy Influences Asthma

Oh, okay! I just won't get stressed out, then.


Paul Baker

Stress In Pregnancy Influences Asthma

Yet another excuse these bloated women will use to get out of doing actual work. Female employees are the absolute worst.


Ross Pederson

Economy Down, Crimestoppers Tips Up

As food and gas increase in price, so, too, do calls to Crimestoppers looking to trade tips for reward money. What do you think?

I've just been hitting people with my car who somewhat resemble any of the wanted posters down at the post office.


Henry Wakeman

Economy Down, Crimestoppers Tips Up

This is quite a quandary. I need to purchase a Stop Snitching shirt and DVD, but I can't afford them without calling Crimestoppers.


Debbie Flemming

Economy Down, Crimestoppers Tips Up

What a waste of time. Now, being an FBI informant–that's where the real money's at.


Marvin Prieboy

Life Expectancy Falls

A study at the Harvard Global Health Initiative shows that, for a segment of the population, life expectancy is lower now that in was in the early '80s. What do you think?

Wow, I'm glad my grandma died in the '80s!


Kelly Ridgeway

Life Expectancy Falls

Let's keep working to get it even lower. People over 30 make me sad.


Richard Moreland

Life Expectancy Falls

Oh yeah? Well then how do you explain my mother, who was alive during both decades?


Doug Doherty

Right To Own Guns Upheld

In its first interpretation of the Second Amendment in 80 years, the Supreme Court overturned Washington D.C.'s gun ban, stating that Americans had the right to own handguns. What do you think?

I would guess NRA members all over the country celebrated this news on their front porch in the traditional manner.


Rick Sullum

Right To Own Guns Upheld

Once you take the mystique out of owning an illegal gun, no one will want one.


Kari Welch

Right To Own Guns Upheld

Great! Now I can finally shoot the Statue of Freedom off the top of the Capitol building. Goddamned allegorical figure.


Jason Schidel

Obama Chastises Bernie Mac

Presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama asked comedian Bernie Mac to "clean up his act"" after some of his jokes rankled audience members at an Obama fundraiser. What do you think?"

What's this all about? Is Bernie Mac a Muslim as well?


Liz Pisarra

Obama Chastises Bernie Mac

The audience members spent over two grand each to attend this thing. If this was a just world, they would have heard Kathy Griffin discuss her vagina and how Gwyneth Paltrow was mean to her once for 50 minutes straight.


Joe Heater

Obama Chastises Bernie Mac

Interesting. What's McCain's stance on the Bernie Mac question?


Gretchen McEneaney

Bush Lifts Offshore Drilling Ban

To give the appearance of combating high oil prices, President Bush lifted a long-standing executive order prohibiting offshore drilling. What do you think?

How does that lower oil prices? Would it be like a farmers' market, where I drive down to the Gulf Coast and buy barrels of crude direct?


Brian Piper

Bush Lifts Offshore Drilling Ban


Don O'Connor

Bush Lifts Offshore Drilling Ban

Is there a ban on printing more money? If so he should lift that too and fix the economy while he's at it.


Brian Dannan

Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime

A new study demonstrates that when a television is on the background, children play about 5 percent less than without, thus impeding development of their attention spans. What do you think?

Good to know. That will keep my stepson from wrecking all the toys before we have our real baby.


Ian Weaver

Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime

They're only distracted because the volume is too low. If you turn it up, they can stop moving around and really focus on the TV.


Christina Frewer

Secondhand TV Distracts From Playtime

Should children really be playing at such a young age in the first place?


Charlotte Adams

McCain Addresses NAACP

Presumptive Republican presidential candidate John McCain spoke before the NAACP on Wednesday. What do you think?

I've never heard the phrase 'you people' uttered with such conviction.


Pete Stoyanoff

McCain Addresses NAACP


Oren Sobotka

McCain Addresses NAACP

That's a good start. Now he should address all of the black people who aren't in the NAACP. Which is most black people.


Walt Judge

'The Dark Knight' Tops Box Office

The latest installment of the Batman franchise opened at No. 1 in the box office this weekend. What do you think?

That may be, but Mamma Mia! opened No. 1 in my heart.


Penny Lathrop

'The Dark Knight' Tops Box Office

The Dark Knight is a thrilling, complex crime drama guaranteed to enrich my sexual fantasies about its cast members.


David Andresen

'The Dark Knight' Tops Box Office

I shouldn't have gone on the Dark Knight ride at Six Flags before seeing the movie. It gave too much away.


David Okupniak

Pope Decries Materialism

During a visit to Australia, Pope Benedict XVI spoke out against the "sense of despair"" that accompanies material prosperity. What do you think?"

Yeah, I remember when I had a job. I was miserable.


Nataile Eis

Pope Decries Materialism

I agree with the pope's remarks about an 'interior emptiness' and a 'sense of despair,' which is why I stopped going to Mass.


Kevin Sidorov

Pope Decries Materialism

Then the pope must be the saddest person in the world.


Rebecca Roos

Ebert and Roeper Leaving 'Ebert and Roeper'

Film critic Roger Ebert and Chicago Sun-Times columnist Richard Roeper have opted not to renew their contract with Disney, thereby ending their show after eight years together. What do you think?

And thus the sun sets on the golden era of opposable-digit-based art criticism.


Sam Ryder

Ebert said the elephant acting like a dog in George Of The Jungle 'blindsided him with laughter.' Now how do you feel about the news?


Chris Lowry

This is going to be like navigating a canal without a gondola driver. Whoa, isn't that a great metaphor? Should I be a movie critic?


Scott Diego

U.S. Deserters Not Safe in Canada

Canada, long considered a safe haven for deserters from the United States armed forces, have been toughening their stance against Americans seeking not to serve. What do you think?

I don't understand what the problem is for Canada. American deserters are the best in the world.


Alex Nathan

U.S. Deserters Not Safe in Canada

Oh, come on. At least let them stay for rest of the Toronto Jazz Festival.


Heather Kwilos

U.S. Deserters Not Safe in Canada

What? I thought we had a deal: Canada accepts our military deserters and we make a celebrity out of Alan Thicke.


Nelly Petrachonis

Novak Hits Pedestrian With Corvette

Columnist Robert Novak struck a pedestrian while driving a black Corvette on Washington D.C.'s K Street, and had to be chased down by a bicyclist before he stopped. What do you think?

Why is this news? I assume he does this every week.


Eric Steuff

Novak Hits Pedestrian With Corvette

That pedestrian had better pray he didn't dent Novak's Corvette or else expect retaliation in an upcoming article.


Evan Campo

Novak Hits Pedestrian With Corvette

Who was the pedestrian? Or will we have to wait for Robert Novak to publicly reveal his identity?


Bob Linck

Billionaires Donate To Anti-Smoking Drive

Former Microsoft CEO Bill Gates and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg are pledging $500 million to a worldwide anti-smoking campaign. What do you think?

Gates and Bloomberg should know they're attacking the only source of comfort for Microsoft users and Knicks fans.


Lindsay Esposito

Unfortunately, that is exactly how much I planned to spend on cigarettes this year.


Dan Connors

That's certainly not going to help Bill Gates' nerdy reputation.


Luke Casey

Girls=Boys in Math

Researchers for the National Science Foundation have found that boys and girls now perform equally in standardized math tests. What do you think?

But linear algebra was the only thing that ever made me feel like a man.


Max Thomas

Girls=Boys in Math

Great, that's all I need. My wife knowing the exact moment I arrive in Boston if my train left New York traveling at 60 miles per hour.


Michelle Banks

Girls=Boys in Math

All I know is, every time I try to solve a complex math problem, my breasts get in the way.


Tasha Stanton

Justice Dept.: Justice Dept. Broke Law

An internal review has concluded that aides to former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales used politics as a guiding factor in hiring, thus breaking the law and ruining the reputation of the Justice Department. What do you think?

I can't tell which Justice Department is the evil Justice Department—they look exactly the same!


Josh Craven

Justice Dept.: Justice Dept. Broke Law

Uh-oh. I used a political criteria to choose my preferred candidate in the 2004 elections. Do I have to turn myself in?


Kyle Soares

Justice Dept.: Justice Dept. Broke Law

I'm beginning to think I was a little too hard on Ashcroft.


Douglas Wakeford

Corruption Indictment For Sen. Stevens

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) has been charged with seven counts of corruption for failing to report more than $250,000 in gifts and services. What do you think?

Geez, 250,000 Alaskan dollars? How much is that in regular dollars?


Tony Legas

Corruption Indictment For Sen. Stevens

I'll bet that little children all over Alaska are heartbroken that their hero, Ted Stevens, would do such a thing.


Lisa Julius

Corruption Indictment For Sen. Stevens

I'm sure a thorough investigation will reveal this is nothing more than a series of personal gifts given in exchange for political influence.


Samantha Arca

L.A. Bans Fast Food

The Los Angeles City Council passed a one-year moratorium on new fast-food establishments opening in South Los Angeles where 30 percent of the children are obese. What do you think?

Just as long as they don't go overboard and deplete Hollywood's supply of cute little fat kids.


Timothy Kendall

L.A. Bans Fast Food

Kids are craftier than you think. The second you turn your back, they'll find some new way to get fat.


Stephen Norton

L.A. Bans Fast Food

Yeah, that almost happened to us, but we just lured the fat kids out of town on Census Day.


Hugo Allen

Giuliani's Son Suing Duke Over Golf

Andrew Giuliani is suing Duke University after being recruited for, then removed from, the Duke University golf team. What do you think?


Sara Gill

Giuliani's Son Suing Duke Over Golf

I wish I'd thought of suing when my university recruited me for history and then I flunked.


Dave King

Giuliani's Son Suing Duke Over Golf

This younger Giuliani seems to lack the 9/11 cred that made his dad so great. This guy needs a golf 9/11.


David Argent

Hilton's Mom Calls McCain Ad 'A Waste Of Money'

John McCain donor Kathy Hilton called the candidate's attack ad comparing Barack Obama to Hilton's daughter Paris "frivolous."" What do you think?"

Given Obama's history of drug use, a Nicole Richie comparison seems much more apt.


Penny White

I completely agree. There are important issues that need to be discussed, like necklaces, and handbags, and tiny dogs.


Roger Blunstone

Mrs. Hilton must be crushed to be back in the headlines again.


Anne Norton

Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing'

Comedienne Kathy Griffin reportedly said she would not appear on Dancing With The Stars. What do you think?


Michael McAfrey

Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing'

Well, in that case, I will also not appear on Dancing With The Stars.


Andre Moorcock

Kathy Griffin Rejects 'Dancing'

Wait, does she know that you get paid for being on that show?


Charlie London

Wal-Mart Wants Republican President

Wal-Mart managers have reportedly been told by higher-ups that a Democratic president would lead to unions, less jobs, and less profits for their stores. What do you think?

I heard when he becomes president, Obama will completely outlaw 98-cent three-packs of socks.


Pat Hertz

Wal-Mart Wants Republican President

It's true. We all know how Wal-Mart just barely squeaked by during the Clinton administration.


Selma Rogowski

Wal-Mart Wants Republican President

Did they have these conversations while on break? Ha! Trick question! Wal-Mart doesn't give breaks.


Sara Kedzy

Straight Talk Express Hits Van

John McCain's campaign bus collided with a van on Wednesday. What do you think?

As a McCain supporter, I refuse to acknowledge that as a metaphor.


Jamie Leteicq

Straight Talk Express Hits Van

Wait, the Straight Talk Express is not a train? I imagined it looked like Thomas, the Tank Engine, except much angrier.


Bart Zamost

Straight Talk Express Hits Van

Oh, he must have been letting Lieberman drive again.


Ken Smith

Kosher Plant Cited For Child Labor

Investigators uncovered 57 child labor violations at a kosher meatpacking facility in Iowa. What do you think?

Is 57 the number of child labor violations it takes to make something kosher?


Carol Williams

Kosher Plant Cited For Child Labor

Man, having to slaughter animals by the kosher process of a single cut across the throat to a precise depth, severing both carotid arteries, both the jugular veins, the vagus nerves, the trachea and the esophagus, no higher than the epiglottis and no lower than where the cilia begin inside the trachea, thus causing the animal to bleed to death would probably really fuck you up as a kid.


Bix Blumenthal

Kosher Plant Cited For Child Labor

Nothing's going to happen, though. Everyone knows that Jews control the kosher-meatpacking-facility media.


which displays a ruby on iPhone screens

Apple Pulls $1,000 iPhone App

An application called "I Am Rich

was pulled from the phone's application store without notice. What do you think?"

Now what the hell am I gonna do with all this money?


Apple Pulls $1,000 iPhone App

An application called "I Am Rich

I guess Apple doesn't want to be associated with the rich.


Apple Pulls $1,000 iPhone App

An application called "I Am Rich

I would blow $1,000 on a status symbol from Apple, but I wouldn't buy that application for it.


Peter Tong

McCain Cribs Speech From Wikipedia

A Wikipedia editor claims that John McCain's speech about the Russian-Georgian hostilities was largely lifted from the website's entry on Georgia. What do you think?

Really? I'm going to go put my name in Wikipedia's 'Health Care' article and wait to see if I get mentioned in the debates.


Blaine Principle

McCain Cribs Speech From Wikipedia

What a sorry way to treat the nation of Georgia, whose capital, Tbilisi, was featured in Splinter Cell for Xbox and PC.


Carol Williams

McCain Cribs Speech From Wikipedia

I don't see what the big deal is. I ripped off Wikipedia when you guys asked me about that Kosher meatpacking plant the other day.


Charles Jolicoeur

U.S. Cancels Joint Exercises With Russia

The United States will "in all likelihood"" drop out of annual naval exercises with Russia to express disapproval of the country's war with Georgia. What do you think?"

Good going, U.S. I am so sick of all the mixed signals. This sends a firm message that we will no longer exercise navally with Russia.


Allen Mercer

That doesn't go far enough. The U.S. also needs to enact a full-scale boycott of South Ossetian hazelnuts.


Ellie Mason

That leaves a slot open for Luxembourg. They've been dying to get invited to one of these things.


Ruth Steinem

Iowa Boobs-For-Grades Scandal

A University of Iowa professor is accused of fondling students in exchange for higher grades. What do you think?

Hopefully, in light of this incident, the taboo subject of sexual harassment will finally be discussed widely on college campuses.


Sam Pollard

Iowa Boobs-For-Grades Scandal

I knew my busty, suggestible daughter wasn't that smart.


Ray Pettibon

Iowa Boobs-For-Grades Scandal

A professor fondles a student! That's perfect! I've had the worst writer's block for my upcoming porno!


Ruth Steinem

U.S. Driving Less

Americans drove 53.2 billion fewer miles in the past nine months than they did in a comparable period a year ago. What do you think?

This is a message for the auto companies that they need to be building cars that are bigger and more fun.


Sam Pollard

U.S. Driving Less

I've definitely driven a billion miles less than last year. Well, more like 800 million.


Ray Pettibon

U.S. Driving Less

You know what? I bet that has something to do with high gas prices. Has anyone looked into that?


Marvin Seitzer

Julia Child A Spy?

According to newly released documents, chef Julia Child worked for the Office of Strategic Services, a U.S. spy agency, during World War II. What do you think?

I always thought it was odd how she asked her guests to speak closer to the soup tureen.


Virginia Weum

Julia Child A Spy?

A 6-foot-tall woman with a high-pitched warbly voice must have really blended in.


Will Hervey

Julia Child A Spy?

The world needs more people like her—who can cook, I mean. We've pretty much got the spy thing covered.


Sharon Kypke

Granite Countertops May Contain Uranium

Many homeowners are having to remove their new countertops because the granite in them has been found to emit hazardous levels of radon. What do you think?

I wondered why my Kenmore under-cupboard Geiger counter was going crazy.


Dick Jefferts

Granite Countertops May Contain Uranium

Get rid of my gorgeous granite countertops just because of some measly radiation emissions? I don't think so. From now on, it's daily potassium iodide tablets for me and my family.


Raul Parsons

Granite Countertops May Contain Uranium

It's really the kids I feel sorry for. Those spoiled, rotten kids.


Jordan Pressler

Bigfoot Corpse A Fraud

Members of Search For Bigfoot, Inc. said they had been tricked into buying a fake Sasquatch body from an ex-policeman. What do you think?

I truly empathize with those guys because the exact same thing happened to me, but with a Burberry scarf.


Keith Crowley

Bigfoot Corpse A Fraud

Hopefully they can put all this behind them and continue their important work.


Patty Paik

Bigfoot Corpse A Fraud

So that means…the real Sasquatch is still on the loose! Oh no!


Toni Graber

College Presidents Rethinking Drinking Age

A group of 104 college and university presidents has signed a statement that suggests the minimum drinking age of 21 encourages a culture of dangerous, clandestine drinking. What do you think?

Wait, where exactly is this culture? I am a 48-year-old housewife. I want in.


Carl Rasmussen

I remember the hassle of having to do keg stands from behind a curtain.


Sean Rowan

That may be, but getting a fake ID and sneaking into bars at least builds ingenuity and lateral thinking.


Mark Crook

Obama Picks Biden As VP

Barack Obama announced via an early-morning text message that Senator Joe Biden will be his running mate. What do you think?

Really? Biden is the ultimate Washington insider. Obama should've picked somebody who knows absolutely nothing about politics.


Kari Brecht

Obama Picks Biden As VP

That's some smart thinking. Biden should poll very well with mainstream blacks who are articulate.


Bob Postol

Obama Picks Biden As VP

Cool! Biden is from where my credit card's from.


Ray Dorsey

Seinfeld To Revive Microsoft

In order to revitalize its brand image, Microsoft has hired former sitcom actor Jerry Seinfeld as a spokesman. What do you think?

Microsoft…Jerry Seinfeld…I remember those.


Anita Conniff

Seinfeld To Revive Microsoft

I hope he does the bit about high-bandwidth digital content protection.


Ben Jankowsky

Seinfeld To Revive Microsoft

I can't even imagine why they stuck with John Hodgman for so long. What a poor advocate for PCs.


Danielle Molinaro

Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

Four moisturizers have been found to cause skin cancer in mice. What do you think?

If you're trying to sucker me into running a mouse-cancer 5K, I'm not going to do it. I've lost too many damn weekends to those things.


LaVon Wilson

Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

At least it made those tumors 41 percent more radiant.


Warren Peller

Moisturizers Cause Cancer In Mice

What about eye shadow? Can I still apply eye shadow to my mice?


Rufus Morris

Amish Population Boom

Over the past 16 years, the U.S. Amish population has nearly doubled. What do you think?

They almost had one more until I learned I couldn't take my dirt bike.


Thomas Ellis

Amish Population Boom

Sure, they get all liberal and allow counting when it suits them.


Ella Mintz

Amish Population Boom

We just had the same problem with raccoons in my county. The easiest thing to do is limit their food supply by locking up your garbage cans.


Sally Reissman

Mugabe Heckled By Parliament

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe was loudly derided as a murderer by the Movement for Democratic Change as he opened a meeting of parliament. What do you think?

Someone called me a murderer once. But that was in college, and for a totally different reason.


Adam Previn

Mugabe Heckled By Parliament

If the MDC has a complaint to make, they should do the professional thing and file it officially with their local death squad.


Tom Garfield

Mugabe Heckled By Parliament

I wasn't going to say anything. But now that you mention it, I also think he's a murderer.


Ivan Prost

McCain Chooses Palin As VP

Republican presidential candidate John McCain has chosen Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. What do you think?

It's kind of sad watching my racist sexist dad, sitting silently in his recliner and slowly shaking his head.


Teresa Burkhalter

McCain Chooses Palin As VP

As a woman, I am flattered by this scattershot pandering gesture.


Scott Wise

McCain Chooses Palin As VP

Finally, somebody who can pull in the Alaskan/pro-life/moose-hunting/woman vote.


David Alomar

New 'Reality Television Delusion' Diagnosed

Two Montreal psychiatrists claim to have discovered a mental illness in which patients think they are subjects of their own reality shows. What do you think?

Is that just the same thing as thinking you are great? Because I have that.


Traci Davis

This bold new twist on an old schizophrenic formula is going to get me watching mental patients again.


Nigel Murray

Is that why I don't get bleeped when I say 'chink' at the deli?


Bill Adkins

Clinton Supporters Contributing To McCain

More than 85 of Sen. Hillary Clinton's major financial supporters are now backing Sen. John McCain for president. What do you think?

They'll be back. McCain might be the hip, fresh candidate now, but in the end they'll go with the tried and true choice.


Gina Black

Thank God I'm poor and I don't have to make decisions like that.


Larry Kleibesadel

It's on days like this that I'm ashamed to be a major financial supporter period.


Andie Pompillio

Flies Have Constant Escape Plan

Researchers have found that flies are hard to swat because they are able to calculate an escape route within milliseconds of spotting a threat. What do you think?

That's why I always become friends with the fly. Then they never see it coming.


Arik Svedman

Flies Have Constant Escape Plan

Sometimes I feel like I hear their tiny little laughter. Did the researchers say anything about that?


Milt Carey

Flies Have Constant Escape Plan

I wish I had that. Instead, I always get punched in the back of the head while I'm trying to run away.


Mark Pritchard

Abortion Not Linked To Depression

A literature review by the American Psychological Association states that women who have an abortion are not at greater risk for developing depression. What do you think?

Where does the pro-depression lobby stand on this study?


Mike Couey

Abortion Not Linked To Depression

They are, however, at greater risk of having dreams in which a little baby says to them, 'Mommy, why did you abort me?'


Sarah Garth

Abortion Not Linked To Depression

Shut up. I need to concentrate on this scratch-off so my baby can get formula.


Wanda Tyler

Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

British researchers found that patients who chewed gum after undergoing colon surgery had bowel movements sooner than those who did not. What do you think?


Paul Burbridge

Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

Constipation is a small price to pay to maintain my loyalty to Tic Tacs.


Andy Sohn

Gum May Aid Colon Surgery Recovery

Is anyone in that big a hurry to get these colon-less humans to shit again?


Tom Posdal

Cows Instinctively Know North

German and Czech researchers have discovered that cows tend to align themselves in a north-south direction when grazing or resting. What do you think?

People, people, there's no need to panic. They haven't learned east and west yet.


Daphne Mussey

Cows Instinctively Know North

Only when they're grazing or resting? Are there other cow activities of which I'm unaware?


Carl Craig

Cows Instinctively Know North

That's sad. If I could sit just one cow down and reveal to it the beauty of a sunrise or a sunset, I'd feel like I made a real difference.


Marc Rose

Government To Take Over Big Two Lenders

The federal government announced this weekend that it would seize control of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, the country's two biggest mortgage firms, in order to keep them afloat. What do you think?

Crap! Almost my entire Fantasy Privatized Social Security portfolio was in Freddie Mac.


Julie Meyer

Government To Take Over Big Two Lenders

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.


Max Ramzi

Government To Take Over Big Two Lenders

I think the government should let them go broke and give some of America's mom-and-pop mortgage lenders a chance.


Robin Zucker

Matthews, Olbermann Ousted As MSNBC Anchors

MSNBC has removed Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann from anchor duties during coverage of the presidential campaign. What do you think?

I'm sure they're okay with it. They've said their piece about politics.


Carl Dunn

Although I like Matthews and Olbermann, I think it's a good idea to let some older, more experienced anchors interrupt people.


Woody Laskin

This is the biggest upheaval at MSNBC since it dropped issues from its political coverage.


Charlie Cafarelli

Kim Jong Il May Have Had Stroke

Following his absence during a parade celebrating the 60th anniversary of North Korea, many are speculating that Kim Jong Il has suffered a stroke. What do you think?

I guess now they'll probably have to repaint all those thousands of murals of him with one side of his face all droopy.


Geoffrey Thedford

Kim Jong Il May Have Had Stroke

Well, he is 66—he'd be retiring soon anyway.


Lisa Berg

Kim Jong Il May Have Had Stroke

It's so annoying how whenever you miss a parade everyone thinks you had a stroke.


Sarah Sprague

Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties

Former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has refused to endorse Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama, calling the race a charade and choosing instead to back four independent candidates. What do you think?

All four? I wish he could be more specific as to how I can waste my vote.


Jeff Baldwin

Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties

That's it, I'm taking down the Ron Paul sign from my neighbor's lawn.


Sean Leslie

Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties

Are any of his endorsees good-looking ladies? 'Cause those are the only candidates I care about anymore.


Jeremy Klein

Botox May Cure Migraines

Pharmaceutical company Allergan says its paralysis-inducing wrinkle preventer Botox works as a treatment for chronic migraines. What do you think?

I think what's going on here is just that people can't visibly grimace in pain anymore.


Anne Burges

Botox May Cure Migraines

And it smoothes out those unsightly brain wrinkles.


Victor Dunbar

Botox May Cure Migraines

Inject poison into my head?! Why didn't I think of that?


Pat Olifant

Terrorism Training Videos Yanked From YouTube

The new community guidelines for YouTube ban users from uploading videos that incite violence or teach violent activities, like bomb making. What do you think?

That's a relief. There's no telling what kind of havoc a group of YouTube-trained terrorists could cause.


Jill Wikler

Also, they should stop terrorism in places besides YouTube.


Mike Harmon

Oh man, how's my start-up terrorist group supposed to get the word out now? Flyers?


Julie Sherwin

Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street

With the Dow Jones industrial average plunging more than 500 points Monday, both Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama are claiming they have a plan to keep the country out of economic turmoil. What do you think?

I'm all for plans, but personally, I like stimulus checks myself.


Scott Hildebrand

Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street

If one of those guys' plans is Sarah Palin with a gun, I will be annoyed.


Jeff Carley

Candidates Vow To Fix Wall Street

They both want to fix the economy? Well, now I don't know who to vote for.


Ryan Keegan

Jewish Voters Push-Polled

Jewish voters in two states have reported they were asked leading questions during a phone survey intended to discredit Barack Obama and sway their opinion. What do you think?

And right in the middle of Elul, too, when Jews are at their most suggestible.


Ron Gust

Jewish Voters Push-Polled

I'm more concerned by the implication that Republicans carry around a list of Jews.


Amy Powell

Jewish Voters Push-Polled

I always forget: What are the two states that have Jews again?


Addie Wharton

Ryan O'Neal, Son Arrested For Drugs

Actor Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond were arrested in their home on suspected possession of methamphetamine. What do you think?

Man, something like this could really hurt Ryan O'Neal's acting career.


Oliver DuPree

Ryan O'Neal, Son Arrested For Drugs

Thank God they've got Tatum around to hold the family together.


Barry Chen

Ryan O'Neal, Son Arrested For Drugs

This proves my theory that people really like drugs.


Bart McCorkle

Gov. Palin's E-Mail Hacked

The son of a Tennessee state representative hacked into Gov. Sarah Palin's Yahoo! e-mail account. What do you think?

This is outrageous. Clearly it's the responsibility of the government to infiltrate people's e-mail accounts, not rogue private citizens.


Shandra Ferguson

Gov. Palin's E-Mail Hacked

This makes me sad. I remember a time when nobody knew who Sarah Palin was, much less what sort of spam she had.


Blake Gruber

Gov. Palin's E-Mail Hacked

I'm sure it won't be long before they crack McCain's elaborate system of cans and strings.


Zach Avgerinou

Obama Staff Pulled From North Dakota

The Obama campaign is pulling its 50 staffers from North Dakota in order to deploy them in the battleground states of Wisconsin and Minnesota. What do you think?

I bet this is going to cause a lot of tension in the campaign. Those guys are always going on about the 'North Dakota way of doing things.'


Katie Morgan

Obama Staff Pulled From North Dakota

Once they gather up all the nuclear warheads, what's really keeping them tied to that state, anyway?


Noah Little

Obama Staff Pulled From North Dakota

Please say we can leave Nevada, too. It's so hot here.


Renee Kaplan

Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less

A new study shows that men who adhere to a traditional mind-set about gender roles are paid more than men who are more egalitarian. What do you think?

''Is this the least convoluted example of sexism they could find?''


Micah Keenan

Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less

''Good to know. Next time I'm angling for a raise, I'll be sure to compliment my boss on her tits.''


Frank Richards

Equal Opportunity Supporters Paid Less

I'm fine with egalitarian men earning equal pay, I just don't think they should be allowed to marry or join the military.


Johnny Moreland

Palin Meets First Foreign Leaders

Vice presidential candidate Gov. Sarah Palin met with a series of world leaders as a sort of crash course on foreign policy. What do you think?

Wow, she's a lot better at meeting people than I expected.


Kevin Freamon

Palin Meets First Foreign Leaders

All she needs to do is make a simple mnemonic device for remembering each country, its form of government, its gross domestic product, its military history, its relationship to the United States, and what it's best known for.


Karla Greggs

Palin Meets First Foreign Leaders

This should allay voters' concerns about electing a candidate with no experience being photographed with foreign leaders.


Lana Carver

New Moore Doc Released On Internet

Slacker Uprising, filmmaker Michael Moore's new documentary about his 2004 tour, was released for free on the Internet on Tuesday. What do you think?

He's going to lose a lot of money. A years-old documentary on Michael Moore's failed attempt to get John Kerry elected was sure to be a cash cow.


Monte Hauk

New Moore Doc Released On Internet

A bunch of my tech friends and I are gonna figure out how to hack into it so we can pay for it.


Adrian Sydnor

New Moore Doc Released On Internet

Check me out at 43 minutes in! I spit on a protester on my way to the Pentagon!


Darrel Pearlman

U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire

Troops from the United States exchanged gunfire with our ally Pakistan on the Afghan-Pakistani border. What do you think?

Brief cross-border firefights are just the Army's way of razzing its friends. It's the military equivalent of a noogie.


Syd Burrell

U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire

We can relieve tensions with Pakistan by firing some missiles into Israel. Pakistan will like it and Israel will probably be too flummoxed to even respond.


Damon Rawls

U.S., Pakistan Exchange Fire

''If we keep pulling this kind of stunt, pretty soon we might not be very well liked over there.''


Sean Morrison

Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss

After the defeat of the bailout bill, the Dow Jones plunged a record 777 points. What do you think?

Maybe now people will finally realize that there is, in fact, nothing more important in life than money.


Jenny Shields

Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss

Uh, hello? J. Lo unveiled her new perfume on Monday too? Hello? Anybody?


Ken Beatty

Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss

Congress really let the American people down, or really stood up for them. Honest to god, I got no fuckin' clue anymore.


Rebecca Landsman

Churches Illegally Endorse Candidates

Thirty-three pastors in 22 states are in danger of losing tax-exempt status for their churches after endorsing a candidate from the pulpit. What do you think?

I'm glad I have no idea who my vehemently pro-life, anti-gay-marriage, anti-stem-cell-research, pro-intelligent-design pastor endorses.


Bill Norris

Churches Illegally Endorse Candidates

I, for one, enjoyed my pastor's fiery reading from the Drudge Report last Sunday.


Bob Valchek

Churches Illegally Endorse Candidates

Great, now I have to sit through more boring sermons about God and faith.


Boris Will

Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day

Researchers noticed an 18 percent spike in traffic fatalities on days a presidential election was held. What do you think?

As county chairman of the Republican Party, I'm naturally concerned about this disturbing trend, and would like to urge all eligible voters to consider staying home to vote on Nov. 4.


Simon Doone

Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day

Well, this is bound to happen when you get 2 percent of Americans out on the road on the same day.


Hil Forrest

Traffic Deaths Rise On Election Day

At least those people participated in the democratic process and didn't die in vain. Oh, unless they were on their way to the polls, in which case never mind.


Virginia Walton

Phish To Reunite

Four years after disbanding, the Vermont jam band Phish has announced plans to reunite in March 2009, starting with three performances in Virginia. What do you think?

Oh man, there's no way I'll be able to score mushrooms, gain 20 pounds, and move back in with my parents by March.


Larry Moore

Phish To Reunite

This is like a dream come true! If only all my dreams were this inconsequential.


John Kihn

Phish To Reunite

Wait, they were broken up? Who the hell have I been following around the country for the past few years?


Clark Mariano

U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock

The national debt has surpassed $10 trillion, thereby exceeding the 13 digits the National Debt Clock in New York's Times Square. What do you think?

That's a debt clock? I thought it was just a sign that counted to 10 trillion.


Françcoise Lefevre

U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock

Look, if everyone just donated one dollar, we would have enough money to buy a new debt clock.


Mark Wiedenbach

U.S. Debt Outgrows Debt Clock

At least the McDonald's sign still keeps track of the billions served…. It doesn't? Oh, man. These are dark times.


Charlie Wheadon

Palin Claims Innocence Despite Report

Responding to a report which said that she broke ethics laws in trying to have an Alaska state trooper fired, Gov. Sarah Palin said the report cleared her of unlawful or unethical activity. What do you think?

Well, she'd be able to address it more directly if the Democrats hadn't made truth so partisan.


Betty Hunter

Palin Claims Innocence Despite Report

In my opinion, breaking ethics laws and then publicly lying about it is what gives her that down-home regular-gal charm.


Darick Keene

Palin Claims Innocence Despite Report


Diana Rusk

British Corpses Piling Up

British undertakers are refusing to bury the dead until bereaved families receive delayed government support payments. What do you think?

I really would have thought the work was its own reward for those guys.


Alan Ballard

British Corpses Piling Up

Give some Irishman a shovel and he'll probably do it just for the opportunity to punch a British corpse in the face a couple times.


Thomas Wilson

British Corpses Piling Up

I've actually been dead for two months, and this is my ghost talking. Bury me so I can move on!


Matt Witter

Law Allows Abandoning Teens

A Nebraska law designed to protect newborns and infants has instead allowed parents to abandon children up to age 19 at hospitals. What do you think?

That's outrageous. Hospitals aren't supposed to be like a common casino parking lot.


David Myron

Law Allows Abandoning Teens

Okay, but why not look on the bright side? Maybe some of those abandoned teens will quickly learn how to be doctors.


Kathryn Duno

Law Allows Abandoning Teens

But raising kids is hard. I don't wanna do it. No! Stop it! You can't make me! I won't do it!


Nina Iyer

Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection

Gmail now provides an optional series of questions to make sure users are relatively sober before sending an e-mail. What do you think?

''Great, now I have to waste a bunch of time migrating my entire ex-girlfriend address book over to Yahoo! mail.


Charlie Pitt

Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection

Listen, if I can fool my wife, my children, my boss, and everyone down at the county sheriff's office, I'm pretty sure I can fool Gmail.


Steve Herzog

Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection

Yeah, but those fuckmotherlers can't do nothin' about voice yelling at some dumb lying bitchisses who can fucking stick a cock in it, because I ain't payin' for that lost cue ball, it sank in the pocket and it never came out.


Charles Bent

Starr Asks Fans Not To Write

Saying he no longer has time to respond, drummer Ringo Starr announced that he would not accept any more fan mail or objects to be signed after Oct. 20. What do you think?

But it's not just Ringo. I've been writing to George Harrison, and he hasn't responded, either.


Carrie Masterson

Starr Asks Fans Not To Write

Oh, man, then I better hurry over there with this subpoena.


Jeff Ridges

Starr Asks Fans Not To Write

Well, that's the end of the Ringo Starr trade. At last I can sell my station wagon and not have to sit in the hot sun at flea markets all summer anymore.


Tom Kypke

Powell Endorses Obama

On Meet the Press this Sunday, former Bush cabinet member Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama for president. What do you think?

There goes his standing with people who were tolerating him because he was in the Bush administration.


Patty Clark

Powell Endorses Obama

Looks like someone developed a taste for that sweet sweet White House strawberry shortcake.


Arthur Page

Powell Endorses Obama


Traci Patterson

Obama Advertising In Video Games

Barack Obama's presidential campaign has begun advertising in video games like Guitar Hero and Madden NFL 09 in the weeks before the election. What do you think?

Why bother with ads? When I vote, I already feel like I'm in the most exciting game ever.


Doug Laramie

Obama Advertising In Video Games

Interesting. It did look like a couple of Resident Evil zombies I wasted were wearing McCain-Palin T-shirts.


Charles Kirk

Obama Advertising In Video Games

Politics has no place in video games, unless it is in my favorite Xbox game, Wizards & Kings, where there is both politics and wizardry.


Aaron McBain

Palin Charged Children's Travel To State

According to an investigation by the Associated Press, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska for trips her children took with her, later amending expense reports to describe their travel as official state business. What do you think?

If I act outraged, will it help the actual, obvious case for why she shouldn't be elected?


Kyle Fitzpatrick

I'm sure those children had a perfectly legitimate reason to be at that transportation infrastructure subcommittee meeting.


Jeri Anderson

Oh, leave the poor woman alone. I'd like to see you try and raise five retarded children.


Denise Kornbluth

Miss Teen Louisiana Dethroned

With only 11 days to go before her successor was appointed, the reigning Miss Teen Louisiana was stripped of her crown in response to her arrest for a "dine and dash"" and possessing marijuana. What do you think?"

The saddest part is watching them take back the kind wishes she gave to all those sick kids.


Pro McNamara

Miss Teen Louisiana Dethroned

It's very sad, but the nation needs to heal, so I hope the next Miss Teen Louisiana does the right thing and pardons her.


Max Parduhn

Miss Teen Louisiana Dethroned

This is the worst thing to happen to Louisiana in at least three years.


Doug Ervine

Americans Voting Early

So far, more than 5 million people have cast their ballots in states where early voting is available. What do you think?

I voted early, but it's only because I have plans on Election Day to terrorize elderly Jewish voters.


Natalie Ashford

Americans Voting Early

The earlier you go, the crisper the ballot. I love a crisp ballot.


Charlie Heater

Americans Voting Early

Not me. I still have another week to be pandered to, and I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.


Alex Rutherford

MillerCoors Quietly Kills Zima

MillerCoors LLC has discontinued its clear malt beverage Zima, saying that the last of the existing inventory would be in stores until December. What do you think?

But, I won a lifetime supply of Zima on Singled Out! What about me?


Betsy Toomey

MillerCoors Quietly Kills Zima

This is a day I've been dreading—the death of the clear-product trend. Yes, we believed in transparent things back in the '90s. Deodorant, liquid soap, why even Pepsi for a spell. It was fresh, new. I don't expect you youngsters to understand.


William Sprerino

MillerCoors Quietly Kills Zima

What better way to bid Zima farewell than with a tall, refreshing glass of…. Yech! What the hell do they put in this stuff?!


Ethan Goodwiler

Unlicensed Plumber and Tax-Evader Endorses McCain

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, has publicly endorsed McCain. What do you think?

Eh, I'm 10 times more the working stiff than that jerk. I mean, look at me. I'm harnessed to a wagon full of coal.


Gerald Henslue

What was this guy's deal again? He was the king of the plumbers or something like that, right?


Diedre Anderson

You know, I really want to like people like Joe the Plumber, but they do a half-assed job fixing my plumbing, cut me off in traffic, and don't move an inch when their dog attacks mine at the park.


Cynthia LaBelle

Sen. Stevens Found Guilty

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) was found guilty of ethics violations for not reporting expensive gifts, including $250,000 worth of home improvements from the owner of an oil-services company. What do you think?

It used to be you could bribe an Alaskan senator with just $10,000—and still have enough left for a licorice chew and an opera ticket.


Tim Garland

Sen. Stevens Found Guilty

Christ, can't our Alaskocentric media focus on something else besides Alaska?


Joseph Parton

Sen. Stevens Found Guilty

Oh, is reporting expensive gifts something we are supposed to be doing? Darrick and Ann, those porcelain sauce bowls I got you for your wedding? ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN DOLLARS. For two sauce bowls. Happy now?


Penny Adler

Halloween Restrictions Against Sex Offenders Blocked

Parts of a Missouri law requiring sex offenders to remain inside with the lights out on Halloween night were rejected by a judge as unenforceable. What do you think?

Okay, but during the parade, they ought to stay squarely inside the sex offenders' float.


Oscar Souble

As a registered sex offender, I can assure you that I spend most of my time inside with the lights out anyway.


Glenn Bauer

Probably because a suspiciously dark house on Halloween would attract even sexier kids.


Gilbert Pflaum

Jackson 5 To Reunite

Jermaine Jackson announced that the Jackson 5 is reuniting for a tour in 2009. What do you think?

This is great—I love the Jackson 5! They are all still adorable kids, right?


Katie Sackin

Jackson 5 To Reunite

I worry they won't have the same energy they did when their father was there to beat them before each show.


Jeff Burns

Jackson 5 To Reunite

Wow! How is it that happiness seems to follow the Jacksons wherever they go?


Keith Berkowitz

Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

Despite early voting, some are expecting a record turnout and long lines at polling places Tuesday. What do you think?

Oh, I'm not worried about long lines. I always just show up with my hottest female friends and walk right up to the bouncer.


Campbell Rautenberg

Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? And by that I mean I'm not voting.


Bill Newbrough

Long Lines Anticipated At Polls

Well, the long lines will be because of election workers Iris and Mildred. This will be their 17th presidential election since retiring, and they're not as fast at going through the big book of names as they once were.


Nancy Coyne

Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low

In the face of a weakening economy, U.S. auto sales fell to their lowest level since 1983. What do you think?

If they slash car prices further, I'm going to stock up on Focuses.


Pete McKissock

Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low

That's great! Wait, is this for a feature on the environment or for the business section?


Scott Haggerty

Auto Sales Hit 25-Year Low

But I love my Icelandic-made car! Mjoiks last forever.


Ryan Boelter

Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall

A study from Cornell University has found a correlation between higher levels of precipitation and incidences of autism. What do you think?

If you had to stay indoors all day, you'd probably get pretty bored and decide to develop autism, too.


Eric Stadtmiller

Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall

How ridiculous. That's like saying excessive sunshine causes cancer. You can't believe studies like this.


Brandi Seaver

Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall

That's it. I'm never going to force my kids to stand outside in the rain again.


Lorise Guth

'Jurassic Park' Author Dies

Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park, Congo, and The Andromeda Strain, died Tuesday at 66. What do you think?

A terrible shock to fans of science-based suspense thrillers, and of paperbacks with shiny red embossed letters on their covers in general.


Matt Clark

'Jurassic Park' Author Dies

What got him in the end? Genetically modified monkey? Genetically restored dinosaur? Genetics?


Zhubin Parang

'Jurassic Park' Author Dies

But if we can somehow extract his DNA, then we can replicate him, and all the other dead authors, and put them on display for the world to behold. We don't need to consider the consequences, let's just go ahead and do it.


Dick Mancowicz

Spitzer Not Charged

Disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer will not be charged for his role in a recent prostitution scandal that brought down his administration. What do you think?

I'm worried this sends a message that anyone could do what he did and get away with just a few weeks of mass-media vilification and the total collapse of one's career.


Emily Westley

Spitzer Not Charged

What? Those lame district attorneys. If Eliot Spitzer had been prosecuting himself he'd have thrown his ass in jail months ago.


Phil Sabin

Spitzer Not Charged

I'm sure he'll make it up to all of New York's citizens somehow. Perhaps by having sex with them.


Rick Gunderson

Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout

Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff for the president-elect, is calling for a more rapid response to help the struggling auto industry. What do you think?

Why don't they just cut back on costs? I never wear my seat belt.


Jessica Kornbluth

Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout

Obama doesn't need to give government money to the auto industry. He just has to tell his disciples to go out and buy a Pontiac, and we'll do it.


Tom Schuster

Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout

As a person who cares more about cars than people, this is very exciting news. Three cheers for Rahm Emanuel!


Marilyn Burton

Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others

Brain scans showed activity in the pleasure centers of aggressive teens who were exposed to images of one person hurting another. What do you think?

What kind of sicko has all these violent videos just lying around to show to teens?


Todd Burke

Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others

Sure, but they also responded positively to images of two grown, consenting adults making love.


Jeff Posdal

Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others

Yeah, it's really funny when other people get hurt. Hey, you want a hertz doughnut?


Steven Frank

One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy

A new study shows that almost 25 percent of mammal species are in danger of going extinct. What do you think?

Good riddance. Giving birth to live young is just so disgusting.


Ryan Krutsch

One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy

If the worst happens, you can always get some day laborers to fill their ecological niche.


Lora Mierendorf

One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy

Don't worry. I've been raising some dogs and cats in captivity, just in case.


Cara Blumenthal

Potential Employers Check Social Networking Sites

A recent survey found that one in five employers checked out job applicants on networking sites like Facebook before hiring them. What do you think?

I should hope they do. I didn't put the Zoolander quote generator application on my profile for nothing.


Jason Shapiro

Then I should probably remove 'embezzling' from my list of favorite activities.


Jake Appelbaum

That's fine, but what if you are trying to hire someone under 14?


Carl Craig

Suicide Rate Jumps In White Middle-Aged Population

Between 1999 and 2005, the number of suicides among white middle-aged Americans increased 17 percent. What do you think?

But they have so many nice, if slightly boring, things to live for.


Ursula Zalben

Suicide when you're middle-aged is the coward's way out. Better to wait until you're over 70. Or, if you're still young, late teens is a good time, too.


Ken Newbrogh

Luckily for me, when I'm depressed I masturbate.


Jonathan Dunn

Missing Beatles Track Confirmed

In an interview with the BBC, Paul McCartney confirmed the existence of a 14-minute track the Beatles recorded for an electronic music festival. What do you think?

Oh God. My doctor says it's bad for my blood pressure if my mind is blown for more than five minutes at a time.


Kitty Barber

Missing Beatles Track Confirmed

As manager of a classic-hits station that's always trying to fill time, I'm thrilled to say this could be 'In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida' and 'American Pie' rolled into one.


J.D. Sutton

Missing Beatles Track Confirmed

Maybe this discovery will finally reveal the secret of 'Eight Days A Week' to me. I don't get that song! A week has seven days!


Linda Grobe

Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is being sued by the Securities and Exchange Commission for selling his interest in Mamma.com after receiving information that had not yet been made public. What do you think?

First Martha Stewart, now Mark Cuban. It's like the SEC knows exactly who I hate.