Doug Addams

Willie Nelson Busted For Pot

Willie Nelson was issued a citation Monday for possession of marijuana and psychedelic mushrooms. What do you think?

He got caught? Crap. All right, I guess I got to call my other guy.


Terry North

Willie Nelson Busted For Pot

You can't arrest Willie Nelson for doing drugs. That's like arresting Aretha Franklin for being fat, or James Brown for any of the various crimes he's committed.


Janet Gansburg

Willie Nelson Busted For Pot

That's the difference between marijuana and alcohol: When Willie Nelson was pulled over, he had only nice things to say about Jews.


Cindy Daniels

Bloodless Thai Coup

Thailand went through a bloodless coup while the President was out in the United States to address the United Nations. What do you think?

I'm looking forward to seeing this on the political edition of While You Were Out.


Chad Brackmeyer

Bloodless Thai Coup

This is all in accordance with Thailand's 'Whoever sits in the President's chair is the President' policy.


Brian Knuth

Bloodless Thai Coup

It's not the best solution to removing a corrupt leader, but it sure does the job better than the electoral college.


Brian Ducey

$2 Billion Environment Pledge

Richard Branson, the eccentric head of the Virgin Group, has pledged two billion dollars to fight global warming. What do you think?

The wealthy really ought to thank the insanely wealthy like Branson for making them look good.


Emily Shapiro

$2 Billion Environment Pledge

If used properly and in small enough denominations, this money should suffice to shade us from the sun's harmful rays.


Quentin Lakeland

$2 Billion Environment Pledge

Is it making anyone else nervous how all these billionaires are suddenly shoveling their money into philanthropic causes? Is there a Judgment Day coming up that I didn't hear about?


Lance Brown

War Makes U.S. Less Safe

A recent National Intelligence Estimate report found that the war in Iraq has in fact increased Islamic extremism and the overall threat of terror. What do you think?

The media has put a spin on these statistics. It only seems like there are more terrorists because the war has decreased the number of Americans.


Tanya Frazer

War Makes U.S. Less Safe

You know, I have noticed a rise in the hypothetical chance of a theoretically imminent attack.


Mark Everett

War Makes U.S. Less Safe

As with our own radical '60s, I think it's important to stay the course and outlast the Islamic equivalent of our hippies.


Danielle Prediger

More TVs Than People

The average American home now contains more televisions than people. What do you think?

Does that include the people on the televisions? Because they are just as much a part of my household as my children.


George Riley

More TVs Than People

Are you sure that report wasn't talking about books? I could see that being the case with books. As a nation, we love to read.


Lionel Kelley

More TVs Than People

As a TV repairman and serial killer, I feel partly to blame for this problem.


Mark Friedman

Uwe Boll Boxes Critics

Uwe Boll, director of the critically reviled House of the Dead, recently took on four of his critics in a boxing ring in Canada. What do you think?

Too bad Rex Reed wouldn't sign on—but I understand he was training for a title defense against Michael Bay.


Jonas Begin

Uwe Boll Boxes Critics

This incoherent burst of violence is not the Uwe Boll I know. Where's the long and pointless explanations about zombies?


Janice Hartley

Uwe Boll Boxes Critics

Laughable violence, low-rent stunts, pitifully self-indulgent. D-.


Elaine Siegel

New Air-Travel Guidelines

U.S. airlines are now allowing small quantities of fluids onto airplanes. What do you think?

Thank God. I don't think I'd be able to make one more flight from New York to Chicago with a mouthful of shampoo.


Alex Hunter

New Air-Travel Guidelines

The ban was a necessary precaution. We have to be willing to make these kinds of sacrifices if we're going to prevent scientifically impossible terrorist attacks.


Ed Johansen

New Air-Travel Guidelines

By giving passengers renewed access to these gels, lotions, and shampoos, we run the risk of creating a very dangerous, highly evasive, and super-slippery terrorist able to avoid all manners of restraint.


Stefan Wells

Microsoft Releases Security Patch

Last week, Microsoft released a patch for a critical security flaw in its Internet Explorer web browser. What do you think?

Well, this meets all the criteria for things I'm most terrified of: something I don't understand at all and refuse to learn more about.


Layna Torgerson

Microsoft Releases Security Patch

Thanks, but I'll pass. I kind of like how the Nigerians rearranged my desktop.


Greg Anderson

Microsoft Releases Security Patch

From what I gather, this patch works by plugging the remote code execution vulnerability in the VML, while a web page with VML when a rect tag is displayed in IE. Anyone who understands what this means has earned the right to attack my computer.


Jeremy Shapiro

Representative Foley Resigns

Congressman Mark Foley (R–FL) resigned Friday after it was revealed that he exchanged sexually charged Internet chat messages with a teenage boy. What do you think?

Why all the fuss? Mark Foley is nothing but a hopeless romantic with a dream to keep chivalry alive. Congress has lost a great gentleman today.


Vicky O'Malley

Representative Foley Resigns

I can't believe an upstanding citizen like Foley would do such a thing. He must have thought he was talking to a teenage girl.


Bobby Fields

Representative Foley Resigns

It was a little disconcerting for Foley to issue his resignation via a Fall Out Boy chat room.


Janelle Hamer

Rash Of School Shootings

The U.S. has seen 25 school shootings since the beginning of the academic year. What do you think?

Gotta say, the coverage is really improving. Quick conveyance of details, good b-roll of the shooters' houses, and they've stopped  getting so weepy with the vigils.


Gary Dukowski

Rash Of School Shootings

It's been a while since I've kept up with video games. What just came out?


Mike Brannon

Rash Of School Shootings

On reflection, it doesn't seem like such a good idea to have included biathlon in the Presidential Fitness Guidelines.


George Muybridge

Netflix $1 Million Offer

Netflix is currently offering $1 million to anyone who can improve its personal movie recommendations system. What do you think?

I thought Jurassic Park was pretty good. Did I win?


Warren Edison

Netflix $1 Million Offer

I think instead they should take that million and make a movie that everybody likes, with Billy Crystal and a really cute puppy and lots of violence. Or mermaids. One or the other.


Esther Melies

Netflix $1 Million Offer

This is just like the famous MacArthur Genius Grant, except, the MacArthur Genius Grant doesn't benefit mankind in any way.


Tricia Daniels

Breast-Fed Babies No Smarter

According to research published in the British Medical Journal, breast feeding does not make babies any smarter. What do you think?


Tim Green

Breast-Fed Babies No Smarter

However, breastfeeding is great for stimulating the sense of puerility in bystanders.


Doug Jancowicz

Breast-Fed Babies No Smarter

Who says it's about being smart? Doesn't it just seem like a good idea to have as many people as possible sucking on breasts?


Kelly Brathwaite

KISS Guitarist Denied Royalties

Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent was denied claims to royalties for the album Lick It Up by the Supreme Court recently. What do you think?

The fact that Ruth Bader Ginsburg simply did not let go of her grudge against Vinnie Vincent is really getting out of hand. That was 20 years ago, Ruth.


Phyllis Weeden

KISS Guitarist Denied Royalties

Dude, the guy almost destroyed KISS. He doesn't deserve royalties. He deserves a medal.


Dan Bender

KISS Guitarist Denied Royalties

Okay, but if this Court's next step is to take away Vinnie Vincent's right to have an abortion, I am going to go apeshit.


Arnold Velmeir

North Korea Nuke Test

North Korea reportedly tested a nuclear bomb early Monday morning. What do you think?

To me the bomb isn't as troubling as the giant catapult they're constructing to fling it.


Amanda Cooper

North Korea Nuke Test

I don't know why, with all the sanctions we imposed on them, no one thought to cut off their access to uranium and fuel rods.


Jeff Andrews

North Korea Nuke Test

Are you sure it wasn't just Underground Independence Day in North Korea?


Miriam Stollman

Ground-Beef Recall

More than 5000 pounds of Iowan ground beef was recalled due to suspicions of an E. coli contamination. What to you think?

All this E. coli talk makes me wonder if I should stop eating lunch while on the toilet.


Skip Tailor

Ground-Beef Recall

I'm sorry, but I just can't live my life worrying about every pound of raw meat I consume.


Phillip Alveda

Ground-Beef Recall

That's it. I'm just eating high-fructose corn syrup from now on.


Curt Havermeyer

Google Buys YouTube

Google announced Tuesday that it bought YouTube for $1.65 billion. What do you think?

That's nearly a dollar for every video of a cat falling off a bed.


Jeff Martin

Google Buys YouTube

YouTube is worth every penny. Where else are you going to see clips of Saturday Night Live and Family Guy?


Elisa Leonard

Google Buys YouTube

The beauty of YouTube is that it takes entertainment out of the hands of morons in suits and puts it into the hands of morons in sweats.


Rebecca Lew

Yankee Crashes Plane In NYC

A small plane piloted by New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle hit a Manhattan high-rise apartment building Wednesday. What do you think?

Steinbrenner will do anything to keep the Mets out of the paper.


John Canyon

Yankee Crashes Plane In NYC

Does any one else find it an amazing 'coincidence' that his happened on the 11th and the 'Yankees' plus 'Cory' has 11 letters, and October is the month after September?


Rick Crawford

Yankee Crashes Plane In NYC

Five years and one month later and nothing has changed—buildings still haven't learned to stay out of the way of planes.


Gwen Macey

CBGB's Closes Down

After 33 years hosting punk shows, legendary club CBGB's closed its doors on Sunday. What do you think?

The music may be gone, but the historic stench of urine will permeate the site for generations to come.


Jerry Osbourne

CBGB's Closes Down

When I think of the bands I saw there—The Dictators, Blondie, Suicide—I can't help but think, 'time for a prostate exam.'


Keith Thompson

CBGB's Closes Down

It makes me sad that the ghosts of The Ramones will be forced to haunt a Pizzeria Uno.


Brandon Kelvin

U.S. Hits 300 Million People

The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that the U.S. population reached 300 million today at 7:46 am. What do you think?

That's great. I'm like three guys short for my poker game this Thursday.


Clarissa Benjamin

U.S. Hits 300 Million People

We could always give Minnesota its independence. That would trim it back some, and I've always hated those guys.


Owen Last

U.S. Hits 300 Million People

Thank God we have the second-highest infant-mortality rate in the industrialized world, or else we'd be screwed.


Geneva Yarrow

Fake Degrees In Government

It was reported last week that at least 135 employees of the White House and NSA purchased fake college degrees from the Internet. What do you think?

That was an enormous waste of money. These days, it's not exactly difficult to make your own college degree yourself.


Peter McGeorge

Fake Degrees In Government

I put much more faith in people who went to established Ivy-League universities and bought their grades the old-fashioned way.


Sean LeVine

Fake Degrees In Government

In the future, employers should ask to see college IDs, which are impossible to fake.


Chip Malley

Madonna's Adoption Flak

Critics of Madonna's decision to adopt a Malawian orphan are accusing the pop star of choosing the child like one would choose "a handbag."" What do you think?"

It's only right that the boy should be raised by whomever can provide him the best faux-British life.


Tony Martini

Madonna's Adoption Flak

Goddamn it, are there no celebrities left I can depend on to be totally selfish with their wealth?


Megan Udall

Madonna's Adoption Flak

Why is everyone acting like Madonna is this impetuous flake who constantly changes her look, follows trendy religions, and performs provocative acts for the sake of cheap publicity?


Kelly Drinae

Mills: McCartney Abusive

Paul McCartney is denying allegations from estranged wife Heather Mills that he was often drunk, high, and violent. What do you think?

Huh. I always thought Paul was the cute one and Ringo was the drunken wife beater.


Calvin Thiele

Mills: McCartney Abusive

That's 'Sir Paul McCartney is denying allegations' of beating his wife, thank you.


Ryan Keller

Mills: McCartney Abusive


Ken Glaser

Computer Makers Die More

Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. What do you think?

Great. So when the computers turn against us, there won't be anyone alive who knows their weaknesses.


Jessica LaGrange

Computer Makers Die More

Jeez, now I feel bad about upgrading to the arsenic graphics card.


Alex Beerman

Computer Makers Die More

Man, you can't do anything fun anymore without getting cancer. No smoking, no working in computer factories, no handling beryllium or beryllium compounds, no nothing, man.


Lucielle Maslin

9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains

Families of the victims of 9/11 are angry as new remains—including wallets, clothing, and bones—were discovered at Ground Zero. What do you think?

C'mon Ann Coulter, lash out against those bone-seeking, personal-effects junkies who dare to call themselves relatives.


Harold Kurner

9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains

So that's where my arm bone is. Man, I have been looking for that for, like, five years.


Joseph Rabnett

9/11 Families Upset Over New Remains

People complain that the site was never treated like a proper crime scene— but as a souvenir and memorabilia salesman, let me tell you, it was days before they let us in there.


Richard Harris

Catholic Church Must Pay For Contraceptives

New York's highest court ruled that insurance coverage for employees of social service agencies run by the Catholic Church must include contraception. What do you think?

Telling women that I work for the Catholic Church is all the contraception I need.


Tracy Pierce

Catholics using birth control? But then who will supply the world with urchins?


Paul Ballard

This is an affront against the Lord, who was always a proponent of pulling out and climaxing all over her tits.


Lee Stevens

Stay The Course' No More

According to reports, the Bush Administration will no longer use the phrase 'stay the course' when talking about the war in Iraq. What do you think?

The new 'Hang in there, baby!' army poster picturing a cat in fatigues is a delightful replacement.


Darrin Fields

Stay The Course' No More

Maybe they'll continue to phase out every sound bite until they stop talking about it at all.


Roberta Kingsley

Stay The Course' No More


Elisa Siegel

Door Open for NJ Gay Marriage

The New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that gay couples were entitled to the same rights as heterosexuals, leaving the door open for gay marriage. What do you think?

This will go a long way toward expanding the variety of punch lines about New Jersey.


Dan Peltier

Door Open for NJ Gay Marriage

If we don't move to stop this trend immediately, gay people will have as much legal clout as the clinically brain-dead.


Nate Broder

Door Open for NJ Gay Marriage

So I guess the court left the back door open! Ha! I am so closeted! Wait, I meant to say 'funny,' not 'closeted.' Where'd that come from?


Larry Adamson

Twin Cities To Host '08 RNC

Minneapolis has been chosen as the site for the 2008 Republican National Convention. What do you think?

With all the stress it's under, I understand why the Republican Party would fly into the arms of a predominantly white and doughy comfort state.


Rhona Bargeld

Twin Cities To Host '08 RNC

This is a genius move by the GOP. Screw my liberal values. There's no way I'm standing outside in Minnesota to protest.


Mick Haney

Twin Cities To Host '08 RNC

This is the problem with Republicans: They plan two years in advance for a convention and two months in advance for a war.


Michael Poole

Science Disproves Vampires

Florida physics professor Costas Efthimiou has devised a simple mathematical proof stating that vampires cannot exist. What do you think?

So I've been sleeping all day in a coffin, hanging upside down in a cave lair, and drinking human blood for nothing?


Bobbi Delaney

Science Disproves Vampires

I wish I had tenure. If I spent all my time in the warehouse thinking up crap like that, I'd get canned in a heartbeat.


Gavin Jacobson

Science Disproves Vampires

This news will likely hit The Count the hardest. Destroyed by the very numbers he loves.


Diane Carlson

Nuke Secrets Found In Meth Lab

Three flash drives from the Los Alamos nuclear facility were recently recovered during a meth raid. What do you think?

We should make it a general rule not to give classified items to individuals with holes in their cheeks.


Larry Hoover

Nuke Secrets Found In Meth Lab

The really sad part is that all three flash drives were filled with porn.


Irv Mancetti

Nuke Secrets Found In Meth Lab

Let's just pray this war on drugs doesn't escalate.


Chad Gonz

YouTube Clamps Down

YouTube, the popular video-hosting website, is getting rid of all clips copyrighted by others. What do you think?

Finally I'll have a single source for all the videos I have no desire to watch.


Ryan Irving

YouTube Clamps Down

I worry that this will have a chilling effect on the intellectual discourse typically on display in the comments section of a clip of Entourage.


Stephanie Dolder

YouTube Clamps Down

Thank goodness there's still so much in the public domain. I can't wait to see that adaptation of Pope's The Rape of the Lock that's been going around.


Brenna Gold

Bush 41 Christens Navy Ship

Recently, President George H.W. Bush christened a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier bearing his name. What do you think?

That's a bad idea. The last thing George Bush named after himself sank pretty fast.


Jack Lay

Bush 41 Christens Navy Ship

I must say I found it much more touching when Barbara christened the first nuclear-powered kindergarten.


Robert Ronson

Bush 41 Christens Navy Ship

See this is the difference between us and North Korea. We use our nuclear power for peaceful purposes like boating.


Joel Meyer

Smoking Ads Ineffective

According to the American Journal of Public Health, children age 12-17 had stronger intentions to smoke more after viewing ads encouraging parents to talk to their children about smoking. What do you think?

I'm appalled when I think back to all those heartfelt discussions I had with my kids about the cool fresh taste of Salem Menthol Lights.


Cathy Wegman

Smoking Ads Ineffective

Interesting. After reading the findings of this study, I have a strong urge to ignore them.


Brian Plumber

Smoking Ads Ineffective

Any chance they'll start airing PSAs where parents tell their kids not to date the 50-year-old guy who works the night shift at Stop & Shop?


Tim Greunwald

Will Democrats Regain Control?

Democrats are hoping to regain congressional power for the first time in 12 years today. What do you think?

Is that today? Why didn't anybody tell me? I already made plans. Lunch with the crew. Oh well, there's always next year.


Laurel Garvey

Will Democrats Regain Control?

They haven't been in power for 12 years? Then why have I been blaming them for everything?


Dan Farrell

Will Democrats Regain Control?

Guess it's time to take those assless chaps out of cold storage again.


Brigitte O'Shaunessey

Hussein Sentenced To Death

Saddam Hussein was found guilty and sentenced to death for crimes against humanity. What do you think?

I sure hope this doesn't lead to violence in Iraq.


Victor Pugh

Hussein Sentenced To Death

We ignored and, to some degree, participated in Saddam's atrocities in the '80s, but now that he's been brought to justice, we can finally put it all behind us.


Brandon Clay

Hussein Sentenced To Death

The rule of law has won the day—except for in every other square inch of Iraq.


Darren Kroll

Evangelical Pastor Under Fire

After admitting that he received sexual favors and meth from a male prostitute, President of the National Association of Evangelicals Ted Haggard resigned his post and was dismissed from his church. What do you think?

Maybe if his wife were a man who provided him with crystal meth, this poor guy wouldn't have had to go searching for other ways to satisfy his urges.


Carl Lapis

Evangelical Pastor Under Fire

You see, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when drug dealers get involved with religion.


Jennifer Derringer

Evangelical Pastor Under Fire

Show me in the Bible where it says 'thou shall not engage in sinful sexual acts with another man,' and that 'that same man should also not be trafficking drugs to you' all in the same sentence.


Veronica Keller

Ortega's Return to Nicaragua

Daniel Ortega, the one-time Sandanista leader, was just elected to president of Nicaragua. What do you think?

I'm glad Reagan didn't live to see this. No, wait. I'm just glad he's dead.


Derek Glazer

Ortega's Return to Nicaragua

I haven't seen him in a while, does he still have the same glasses?


Nick Jones

Ortega's Return to Nicaragua

Well, we're screwed. With those impotent Dems retaking Congress, Ortega back as president, and our military forces committed in Iraq, it's the perfect time for the Sandanista Hordes to make their move.


Thad Lukas

Ed Bradley Dies

60 Minutes correspondent Ed Bradley recently died. What do you think?

Of course: The black one is always the first to get killed off.


Michelle Fedoruk

Ed Bradley Dies

An amazing career capped off by his dignified October 15th interview with a stripper.


Kerry Stanny

Ed Bradley Dies

Finally, Andy Rooney can relax around the office.


Terry Orth

Microsoft Releases New Patch

Microsoft recently released a patch for a critical security flaw in its Explorer web browser. What do you think?

Wow, they always seem to know when something is wrong with my computer. Come to think of it, how do they always know when something is wrong with my computer?


Della Kurtz

Microsoft Releases New Patch

I would like to think that this will be completely effective, but I know from personal experience that the patch tends to work only 99 percent of the time. The only surefire protection against Microsoft infections is abstinence.


Keith Applebaum

Microsoft Releases New Patch

Microsoft patching up this Explorer flaw is like—well, I would look up a good analogy if I could get online.


Thalia Romanov

Cell-Phone Infertility

A study presented at the American Society For Reproductive Medicine conference indicated that men who used cell phones frequently have a lower sperm count. What do you think?

But what if all your time on the phone is spent ordering bull hormones?


Fred Tallman

Cell-Phone Infertility

So my phone sends e-mail and prevents unwanted pregnancy? I'd like to see a pager do that.


Chris Wilhelm

Cell-Phone Infertility

Thankfully, nobody ever calls me. Haven't even spoken to another person for months. So having kids should be no problem.


Aaron Knudsen

Two Kinds Of Humans

British evolutionary theorist Oliver Curry claims that the human race may split into two sub-species in the next 100,000 years. What do you think?

Well, I hope my descendents end up in the elite class, or in the roving pack of disobedient workers that live in the sewers and feed on the attractive.


Gary Curry

Two Kinds Of Humans

This is just like that movie The Time Machine. Wait, no, Revenge of the Nerds.


Dannie Clarson

Two Kinds Of Humans

Personally, I'm still pissed that we lost the vestigial tail.


Babette Crain

Web Hits 100 Million Sites

According to Internet-monitoring company Netcraft, there are now 100 million websites with unique domain names. What do you think?

100 million and one. Say hello to my new online petition at theinternetistoobig.com.


Evan Meyers

Web Hits 100 Million Sites

That's just too many darn choices. I remember back when it was only w3.org and the alt.hypertext newsgroup. Man, those were the days.


Quincy Daniels

Web Hits 100 Million Sites

Really? Because I could have sworn I've been to at least 150 million websites.


Peter Haynes

Male Birth-Control Pill

Scientists are reportedly close to perfecting a birth-control pill for men that will stop the development of sperm. What do you think?

If my wife can't remember to take her pill, what makes you think I can rely on her to make me take mine?


Paul Bannon

Male Birth-Control Pill

I tend to be pretty forgetful, so once they release a male morning-after pill, I'll be all set.


Kyle Bruckner

Male Birth-Control Pill

We already bear the enormous responsibility of pulling out and now they want to make us do this?


Frank Rabin

O.J. Confession Book Cancelled

After stirring up a cloud of controversy, Fox and ReganBooks parent company News Corp cancelled both publication of the O.J. Simpson book If I Did It and a televised interview with Simpson. What do you think?

There go my stocking stuffers. What am I going to give to all my aunts and uncles, especially the ones who blatantly murdered their ex-wives?


Karen Stein

O.J. Confession Book Cancelled

What does this mean for the future of Judith Regan's hypothetical memoir If I Tried To Crassly Exploit Tragedy, Here's How It Happened?


Oscar Mendoza

O.J. Confession Book Cancelled

Now that all this is cancelled, we might never see the conclusive proof we need that O.J. Simpson is the world's greatest crime-detail guesser.


Linda Koelsch

Former KGB Spy Poisoned

Alexander Litvinenko, a former Soviet spy and critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was hospitalized in London after being poisoned. What do you think?

Leave it to the Bond marketing team to really up the ante for opening weekend.


Robert Pugh

Former KGB Spy Poisoned

Man. Every time a Russian starts to go bald and gaunt, he's all, 'I was poisoned!'


Kelly O'Grady

Former KGB Spy Poisoned

You can't trust a Soviet spy. All those former KGB spooks are corrupt megalomaniacs—except, of course for Putin.


Olivier Smith

Americans Give Thanks

Today, Americans across the nation are celebrating Thanksgiving. What do you think?

I got up at 4 a.m. to give my Sims character a jump on meal prep.


Ted Lucht

Americans Give Thanks

I really think this is gonna be the year my step-mother finally remembers that I'm a vegetarian.


Livia Kurson

Americans Give Thanks

I'll be enjoying a quiet, restful evening alone. At least Friday will be a little different once someone discovers my body.


Rebecca Johansen

Robert Altman Dead

Acclaimed director Robert Altman died this week. What do you think?

I hope he didn't check 'Yes' on the organ-donation box. There's nothing worse than a third-hand heart.


Lee Utrecht

Robert Altman Dead

This death came out of nowhere. Mr. Altman appeared so young, vibrant, and fresh-faced.


Jeremy Wilmington

Robert Altman Dead

See what happens when you go around being stoned all the time? You accidentally make Popeye and manage to fuck up what would have been a perfectly lovely obit.


Sean Harper

Men Compulsive Shoppers, Too

A recent study claims that men are just as likely to be compulsive shoppers as women. What do you think?

I am not a compulsive shopper. I'm just a kleptomaniac with a strong guilt complex.


Lisa Grey

Men Compulsive Shoppers, Too

This behavior harkens back to hunter–gatherer times, when the women stayed home to raise the children, while the men took to the savannah and foraged for consumer electronics.


Theodore Wexler

Men Compulsive Shoppers, Too

What are you going to tell me next—that men can be loving parents and equal partners in a marriage?


Ronnie Warren

Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing

While post-Thanksgiving sales were up 6 percent from last year for most retailers, Wal-Mart's numbers fell below even their modest forecast. What do you think?

Their customer base has dropped way off since they started stocking the morning-after pill.


Karen Wachtel

Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing

You can only give someone a T-shirt of the Tasmanian Devil waving an America flag so many times.


Chuck Bryant

Wal-Mart Sales Disappointing

Wal-Mart just doesn't carry the same piece-of-shit bullshit I like to give to my loved ones that they used to.


Helen Wright

Iraq Now Longer Than WWII

The war in Iraq has now lasted longer than the U.S.'s involvement in World War II. What do you think?

The Iraq war may last longer, but I guarantee you that both wars will end the same way: with the complete destruction of the Japanese.


Leo Daives

Iraq Now Longer Than WWII

Hooray! Does this mean that we are now the greatest generation?


Dylan Mitchell

Iraq Now Longer Than WWII

Yes, but did we support our troops then as much as we do today?


Phil Watson

Bush In Jordan

President Bush is winding down a diplomatic tour with a visit to Jordan to meet with King Abdullah II and Iraq Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. What do you think?

It makes sense to hold such a summit in Jordan. After all, the number of Bush effigies per capita are slightly lower there than the rest of the Middle East.


Vic West

Bush In Jordan

Hopefully, Bush has learned a great deal on this big, long travel trip. For example, he has probably learned where Jordan is. Or at least that Jordan is a country in the world.


Brianna McCoy

Bush In Jordan

Extravagant meals, five-star hotels, vibrant cultural entertainment—the president is finally getting an accurate picture of what's going on on the ground.


Jill Beckett

D.O.J. Investigates Self

The Justice Department is opening a probe to investigate its own use of wiretapping and warrantless surveillance. What do you think?

Is that wiretapping stuff still going on? I thought that was last year. I remember I was so outraged about that.


Stephen Varney

D.O.J. Investigates Self

Gonzalez is taking this very seriously. He personally promoted top- notch D.O.J. janitor Phil Nugs to Inspector General just to lead this probe.


Brendon Gaines

D.O.J. Investigates Self

There's a good chance they'll catch themselves red-handed here.


Sean McGill

No iPods To Kim Jong Il

The White House has imposed a ban on the sale of iPods to North Korea. What do you think?

This won't do a damn thing. Everybody knows Zune is the preferred MP3 player of the Axis of Evil.


Allara Jones

No iPods To Kim Jong Il

Ouch! Right in the middle of the North Korean Christmas shopping season, too.


Kai Thornton

No iPods To Kim Jong Il

I don't know what good it will do to impose petty sanctions tailored specifically to annoy a crazy foreign leader with nuclear weapons, but what can it hurt?


Tim Petlier

Taxing Virtual Assets

A panel of scholars and government officials recently said that taxation of assets from online games such as World Of Warcraft is inevitable. What do you think?

Joke's on them. As a Draenei Shaman, my assets are protected under the Nagrandian Church and are exempt from taxation.


Wendy Quinones

Taxing Virtual Assets

I better create a Sims accountant and set up a meeting with him immediately.


Ralph Black

Taxing Virtual Assets

These taxes will really bolster America's virtual health-care system.


Tammy Watson

Bolton Steps Down

John Bolton, the American delegate to the UN, will step down when the current term runs out. What do you think?

It's a shame. He had so many bridges yet to burn.


Leo Schneider

Bolton Steps Down

With Bolton finally out of the way, the UN can get back to doing what it does best: solving the world's problems in a quick and efficient manner.


Ryan Smith

Bolton Steps Down

He was the one person I could count on to stand in the face of popular opinion and wear that absurd mustache.


Liam O'Shaunessy

E. Coli At Taco Bell

At least 65 people in New York and New Jersey have fallen ill after eating at Taco Bell restaurants. What do you think?

This will make me think twice about eating at the most disgusting fast-food chain in America.


Greg Staples

E. Coli At Taco Bell

It's a good thing the outbreak appears to be over. If I don't eat a Gordita Supreme at least once a day, I get pretty antsy.


Emily Toomey

E. Coli At Taco Bell

Perhaps those customers actually ordered E. Coli. The menus can be so confusing at foreign restaurants.


Leanne Benning

Jen And Vince Split

People magazine reports that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. What do you think?

Well, she traded down from Brad Pitt to Vince Vaughn, so I'd warn Ralph Macchio to look out.


Tyler Samuels

Jen And Vince Split

With a clunky portmanteau like Vincennifer, the two clearly had no future.


Hector Hernandez

Jen And Vince Split

Thank you so much for telling me. I'd hate to make some kind of faux pas if I were to run into them tomorrow at Wal-Mart.


Marvin Sayles

Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant

Vice President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary is pregnant. What do you think?

I bet it's a pretty big relief for Cheney to find out his daughter's lesbian phase is finally over.


Frieda Smith

Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant


Roger Warrens

Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Pregnant

It's deplorable that a celebrity couple like this would deliberately bring into the world a child that Christians can't love.


Ian Cocker

Chile's Pinochet Dead

Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet died Sunday at 91. What do you think?

He was a complicated figure. On the one hand, he killed thousands of people. On the other hand, I don't know much more about him.


Jessica Loerber

Chile's Pinochet Dead

I would die, too, if my country were run by some woman calling herself 'The President.'


Colin Gimeno

Chile's Pinochet Dead

At least he kept communism out of the country the only way a Fascist, bloodthirsty dictator could.


Leslie Garrison

Apocalypto Tops Box Office

Mel Gibson's Mayan action film Apocalypto was the big winner at the box office this weekend. What do you think?

I'm not surprised. This movie has something for everyone: human sacrifice, tragic suffering, historical inaccuracies.


Frank Jablonski

Apocalypto Tops Box Office

Well sure. When you've got that huge built-in full-blooded Mayan audience coming out to see it, you're bound to do well.


Mike Poole

Apocalypto Tops Box Office

If there's anything stronger than the hatred moviegoers have for Jews, it's their love of brown people.


Irwin Green

Annan Criticizes Bush

Former UN Secretary General Kofi Annan used his farewell address to criticize the Bush Administration for turning its back on human rights and abandoning American principles. What do you think?

He's being a little harsh. We were never that principled to begin with.


Diane Hilliard

Annan Criticizes Bush

That's weird. The UN has a male secretary? So progressive!


Stanley Goines

Annan Criticizes Bush

It's too bad only Luxembourg and St. Lucia were there to hear his speech.


Dennis Eichmann

Israelis Talk Nukes

Critics called for the resignation of Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert after he accidentally acknowledged for the first time that Israel had nuclear weapons. What do you think?

But what would they do with a nuclear weapon way out there in the middle of nowhere?


Deborah Jenkins

Israelis Talk Nukes

Now we just have to find out if the Palestinians have that humongous rock they've been hinting about all these years.


Perry DiClaudio

Israelis Talk Nukes

It's one thing to exercise strategic ambiguity, but full transparency is absolutely unacceptable.


Cara Libowitz

Mallard Fillmore Scribe DUI

Edward Bruce Tinsley, the creator of conservative-duck comic strip Mallard Fillmore, was arrested on DUI charges. What do you think?

As a longtime Fillmore fan, I have to ask myself, what would a reactionary duck have to say about this?


Doug Troutman

Mallard Fillmore Scribe DUI

Is that a pun on our thirteenth president Millard Fillmore? I just got that, just now.


Matt Behling

Mallard Fillmore Scribe DUI

This is so typical of the liberal media. Tinsley has a couple drinks and it's all over the news, but Cathy Guisewite gets all whacked out on PCP and punches a cop and you barely hear a thing about it.


Billy Tetreault

Holiday Travel Plans

How will you be dealing with hectic holiday travel?

I'll be the guy on the bus with Bing Crosby's White Christmas blaring from my boombox, which I will carry on my shoulder.


Caroline Stroli

Holiday Travel Plans

I'm converting to Islam. Not only will I do my holiday traveling in a different month, I won't have to visit my family since they'll disown me!


Lonny Werner

Holiday Travel Plans

I'll be glued to the Weather Channel for inclement weather and traffic reports so I know how anxious to be when I travel.


Theresa Carr

Responsible Holiday Drinking

People tend to drink more over the holiday season. How will you drink responsibly this year?

I'm trying to schedule so I it get it all done before lunch.


Jerry Rudin

Responsible Holiday Drinking

Jumbo loaf of Wonder Bread. Eat two slices with every Jell-o shot and you're out of the weeds.


Jason Woolery

Responsible Holiday Drinking

I will ask my kids to close their eyes and cover their ears every time I take a shot.


Ted Hart

Smoke Alarms May Fail To Wake Children

Studies show that many children do not wake up for smoke alarms, a special concern over the holidays. What do you think?

Kids are so spoiled. In my day, if we ignored the fire alarm, we burned to death!


Andy Toomin

Smoke Alarms May Fail To Wake Children

My wife and I believe it's more dependable to stand on the lawn and scream 'My baby is still up there!'


Sally Carmichael

Smoke Alarms May Fail To Wake Children

That reminds me. I think the batteries for that thing are in the flashlight right now.


Darcy Fletcher

New Year's Resolutions

Every year, Americans celebrate the New Year by resolving to change some aspect of their lives. What is your New Year's resolution?

Thanks for the heads-up. I'm going to make my resolution now and get a week's jump on all the other chumps.


Ross Bernstein

New Year's Resolutions

I observe the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, which has already happened. For that New Year, I resolved to let everyone know that January 1st is not the only New Year.


Matt Tulley

New Year's Resolutions

I'm glad New Year's is coming up. I've been looking for an excuse to finally take care of this gangrenous leg.


Leslie Drayton

President Ford Dead

President Gerald Ford, our nation's 38th President, died Tuesday at the age of 93 at his desert home in California. What do you think?

Whomever it is we're talking about will live on — as long as we keep him in our memories.


Andrew Woolfolk

President Ford Dead

Every time you wrote the man's obituary, he'd pull through another few years. Then you'd have to go and update it. Classic Ford.


Sherry Scott

President Ford Dead

When they're carrying him out in the coffin, in front of the press, I think it would be funny if they 'accidentally' drop him down the stairs.


James McKellan

Overeating Like Drug Addiction

A recent study, published in the journal Proceedings of the  National Academy of Sciences stated that overeating is like drug  addiction. What do you think?

The biggest challenge for me has been dropping my eating buddies and acquiring a new group of friends who don't eat.


Jane Cooper

Overeating Like Drug Addiction

So that's why I pawned my mom's jewelry for a can of nacho cheese sauce.


Julio Marquez

Overeating Like Drug Addiction

I'm in step eight of recovery. I am apologizing to every person I stole an onion ring from for the last ten years.


Terry Remington

Pelosi Vows Iraq Scrutiny

New House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has vowed "the harshest scrutiny"" to any requests for money or troops from the president. What do you think?"

It's a good thing the president has been putting away a little every week in his war-on-terror savings account.


Felicia Lamay

Pelosi Vows Iraq Scrutiny

Pelosi needs to understand: You gotta spend money to make money.


Doug Dixon

Pelosi Vows Iraq Scrutiny

I will also be applying the harshest scrutiny to the president's plan. Thank God my opinion will carry some weight, since I'm a man.


Kiki Javerbaum

Manson, Von Teese Split

Burlesque performer Dita Von Teese has reportedly filed for divorce from shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. What do you think?

They had a pretty standard marital disagreement: She wanted to have kids, he wanted to take a shit on them.


Calvin Dumas

Manson, Von Teese Split

Hear that, ladies? The dating scene just got exponentially more horrifying.


Brian Warner

Manson, Von Teese Split

I'm proud of her for making it this far. Statistically speaking, marriages to androgynous Satanist wingnuts rarely survive more than six months.


Jeff Andrews

U.S. Bombs Somalia

The U.S. has initiated a series of attacks in southern Somalia aimed at suspected members of al Qaeda. What do you think?

Why would the army shoot people who are living in Somalia? That just seems redundant.


Omar Turner

U.S. Bombs Somalia

As an American citizen, I would just like to thank the civilian casualties for their wholly involuntary sacrifice.


Gerri Trudell

U.S. Bombs Somalia

That's a little much, don't you think? I mean, al Qaeda hasn't done anything to us in over five years.


Karen Gander

Cell-Phone TV?

Verizon Wireless announced that it will soon offer TV service over its cell-phone network. What do you think?

This service should go great with my new 52-inch phone.


Liam Daniels

Cell-Phone TV?

Sure, it sounds good until you realize the contract locks you into watching The King Of Queens for two years.


Lyor Goldberg

Cell-Phone TV?

Big deal. Get back to me when I can watch TV on my cat.


Ryan Vodak

Stooges Snubbed Again

For the 6th time, punk legends The Stooges have been rejected for induction to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What do you think?

What's the rush? I think there is plenty of evidence by now proving that Iggy Pop is incapable of dying.


Cynthia Foster

Stooges Snubbed Again

This type of glaring oversight is really going to hurt when voting for the Hall of Fame Hall of Fame comes around.


Kelly Wiener

Stooges Snubbed Again

If that's the case, I'll never listen to those losers again. Thank God we have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to tell us what music is good.


Francis Hawker

California Citrus In Danger

The recent west-coast cold snap is jeopardizing the California citrus industry. What do you think?

Oh well. The vodka is the only part of the screwdriver I really want, anyway.


Anna Sinclair

California Citrus In Danger

With the nation's Sunny D supplies at risk, we may all have no alternative but to choose the purple stuff.


Clark Pramson

California Citrus In Danger

Can't some Mexicans just sit on the orange groves to keep them warm?


Amanda Cooper

Botched Hussein-Brother Hanging

The botched hanging of Saddam Hussein's half brother, which resulted in his beheading, has aroused suspicions and inflamed tensions in the Arab world. What do you think?

Beheading might seem extreme to us, but hey—when in Rome.


Stephen McNaughton

Botched Hussein-Brother Hanging

I guess all that sectarian Shiite rhetoric about Sunnis having weak, floppy necks was right.


Joshua Tiffer

Botched Hussein-Brother Hanging

I would strongly disagree with the term 'botched execution.' It seems to me these guys went the extra mile.


Cisco Sues Over iPhone

Cisco Systems is suing Apple over the name "iPhone

claiming they own rights to it. What do you think?"

If they're not careful, they'll run into the same trouble with their upcoming computer model, the iBM.


Cisco Sues Over iPhone

I'm sure Apple will win this. The multi-function-lawyer feature on the iPhone is at least three generations ahead of today's lawyers.


Cisco Sues Over iPhone

Oh, no! A multinational corporation that makes products I can't afford is fighting with another multinational corporation that makes products I can't afford!


Tabbitha Martin

Wii, Water, Death

A California woman died of water intoxication while trying to win a Nintendo Wii during a radio station's water-drinking contest. What do you think?

I wish I believed in something enough to accidentally give my life for it.


Chris Friedman

Wii, Water, Death

Get ready for the most ridiculous series of PSAs in history.


Robert Lowe

Wii, Water, Death

They should maybe donate that Wii to someone who really deserves it. Someone who wouldn't drink seven quarts of water for a video-game box.


Jamie Niles

First Womb Transplant Planned

A team of Manhattan doctors is planning the first-ever uterus transplant. What do you think?

If you were irresponsible enough to ruin your first uterus, I don't think you should be able to get a new one.


Tim Keller

First Womb Transplant Planned

Won't gestation in a corpse womb instill maternal feelings toward the undead in these children? Oh, nice try, zombie scientists. Nice try.


Randy Chern

First Womb Transplant Planned

Wow, I really underestimated the David Cronenberg Center For Women's Health.


Mike Irving

Hillary in '08

Hillary Clinton announced that she will run for president in the 2008 election. What do you think?

Is she too polarizing a figure? I say no, but apparently some fucking assholes disagree.


Lydia Pontani

Hillary in '08

The last thing America needs is a radical liberal who supports the war and the death penalty while opposing flag-burning and gay marriage.


Malcom Thewlis

Hillary in '08

What's she going to do next—run for president?


Kathryn Siegel

State Of The Union

The President delivered his State of the Union Address last night. What do you think?

We're at war? This is the first I've heard of it.


Bert Kolb

State Of The Union

It's unfortunate that he ran out of time before he got to talk about Katrina.


David Karlin

State Of The Union

The way the president singled out American heroes like the basketball player and the video lady really made me think about how I need to renew my subscription to Reader's Digest.


Sol Raleigh

Archiving The Unabomber

Theodore J. Kaczynski, aka the Unabomber, is fighting to reclaim 40,000 pages of his writings and correspondences so he can preserve them for public reference. What do you think?

It's just like this government to try to suppress the rich history of violent, technophobic loners.


Ryan Levy

Archiving The Unabomber

In hindsight, I bet he wishes he'd made an exception to his anti-technology stance for Kinko's.


Carol Camin

Archiving The Unabomber

Forty-thousand pages? I hope they get someone with a soothing voice for the audio book.


Esther Jones

Israeli President Accused Of Rape

The Israeli parliament agreed to allow President Moshe Katsav to temporarily step down in order to fight possible rape charges. What do you think?

Rape charges against the president of Israel? Man, Lebanon is really going to pay for this one somehow.


Lee Marlowe

Israeli President Accused Of Rape

I sure hope he wasn't Bar Mitzvah'ed. He'll serve much less time in prison if he's charged as a juvenile.


Moses Brown

Israeli President Accused Of Rape

Well, at least he'll have Palestinian support behind him for having raped a Jew.


Jake Troyer

Noriega Faces Murder Charges

Former Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega is to be returned to Panama to face murder charges when he is released from a U.S. prison in September. What do you think?

Poor guy. All his U.S. prison tattoos are going to be useless down in Panama.


Laura Knackert

Noriega Faces Murder Charges

With Noriega and Ortega back in the news again, all signs point to a strong Van Halen comeback.


Carlos Petrie

Noriega Faces Murder Charges

I'm not too clear on this: Was he the one we were selling drugs to, or the one we were buying drugs from?


Arthur Quigle

Tobacco-Addiction Center Found

Scientists have located the part of the brain linked to cigarette addiction. What do you think?

What a great day for humanity. Pretty soon, none of our shitty behavior will be our fault.


Lacey Janson

Tobacco-Addiction Center Found

If it's the brain that's responsible and not the nicotine, we all have some major-tobacco-company apologizing to do.


Omar Abbas

Tobacco-Addiction Center Found

Great! So could you hit that part with a board or pipe for me? Because I'm really needing a fix right now.


Georgia Cummings

Student-Loan Interest Cut

The House of Representatives voted to cut interest rates on certain student loans last week. What do you think?

But the only excitement I have in my life is the cat-and-mouse game I play with my student loan officer.


Jeffrey Cain

Student-Loan Interest Cut

I can't wait to tell my loan officer that I'll be paying back my loan two weeks earlier than my previously stated goal date of never.


Robert Loehman

Student-Loan Interest Cut

As this will inevitably entice many to purchase more education than they can afford, please let me know when I can buy one of those fancy educated brains at foreclosure.


Oren Musburger

Nuclear Plants Left Vulnerable

Federal regulators rejected nuclear policy group requests to increase security at California nuclear power plants, protecting them from aerial attack. What do you think?

Good. All this country needs is more big government sticking its nose into the private business of nuclear power.


Sean Friel

Nuclear Plants Left Vulnerable

Quite a shrewd political move. With California and its 55 electoral votes wiped off the map, the Democrats don't stand a chance in '08.


Katie Pompillio

Nuclear Plants Left Vulnerable

Why would the terrorists go through the trouble of an aerial attack when it's so easy to drive right up to the plant and attack from the ground?


Deanna Vitzum

KFC Purges Trans Fats

Fried-chicken chain KFC announced that they would change their cooking process to reduce trans fats. What do you think?

Why don't they just give us the option between KFC Classic and KFC For Pussies?


Bob Klein

KFC Purges Trans Fats

Like any consumer, I'm comforted to know that the undisclosed substances in my food don't contain as much of a particular thing as they did before.


Jerry Patterson

KFC Purges Trans Fats

In that case, I guess I'll be having my wedding reception at Popeye's instead.


Bart Gander

Savings Lowest Since The Depression

Personal savings in the United States is the lowest it's been since the Depression. What do you think?

Who's the greatest generation now, suckers?


Jenny Rautenberg

Savings Lowest Since The Depression

I watched my Dad die from saving and decided that wasn't going to be me.


Frank Martin

Savings Lowest Since The Depression

Personal savings be damned. My shopping habits are the only reason we haven't been attacked again by the terrorists.


Nathan Kobler

Florida Voting Machine Replacement

Florida Governor Charlie Crist recently requested $32 million to replace touch-screen voting booths adopted after the 2000 elections with a system that leaves a paper trail. What do you think?

For another $10 million he could probably get rid of voting in Florida altogether.


Yancy Werner

Florida Voting Machine Replacement

This is ridiculous. Voters should just send an e-card to the candidate of their choice. Then, the candidates can simply count their e-cards, and compare.


Trent Maxwell

Florida Voting Machine Replacement

When the candidate I voted for loses, the last thing I want is a record to remind me.


Penelope LaCroix

Aqua Teen Payout Force

Turner Broadcasting has promised to pay the City of Boston $2 million to compensate for the cost of removing illegally placed promotional signs that were thought to be bombs. What do you think?

That's a lot, but think of how much they would have had to pay the City of Boston if they had actually been real bombs.


Carter Clay

Aqua Teen Payout Force

Boston reacted correctly–authorities there are obviously aware of the new terrorist trend of bringing as much attention as possible to hidden explosive devices.


Ted Bonello

Aqua Teen Payout Force

What about all the Cheers shit you used to see around town? Man, that used to freak me out all the time.


Joseph Kennedy

Haggard Scared Straight

The Reverend Ted Haggard, who left his ministry amidst allegations of drug use and hiring male prostitutes is now reportedly "completely straight"" after three weeks of therapy. What do you think?"

Man, that's faster than my recovery after ACL surgery. I should have just been gay instead.


Lyle Jacobs

Haggard Scared Straight

I'm skeptical. I'd want to see him have sex with a lady…my wife…I want to watch another man fuck my wife. Oh, God, what's wrong with me?!


Victoria Slulum

Haggard Scared Straight

It's true. I saw that press conference where reporters tempted him by waving a bunch of meth-covered cocks in his face, and he didn't even flinch.


Daisy Garrett

Anna Nicole Dead

Anna Nicole Smith died in Miami on Thursday at the age of 39. What do you think?

This is such a tragedy. Taken before she had a chance to have a prime of her life.


Lewis Ways

Anna Nicole Dead

Goddamnit! I just put the flag back up to full mast after the Ford thing.


Jason Smith

Anna Nicole Dead

So…I take it TrimSpa is raising the baby now?


Dennis Goodwiler

Porn Viewed By Young

A study published by the journal Pediatrics says that nearly half of Internet-using children, ages 10 to 17, have seen pornographic images. What do you think?

It's disturbing to realize that over half of children 10 to 17 are liars.


Tina Dobbs

Porn Viewed By Young

I'm not worried about it happening in my house. I had my kids install blocking software.


Noel Sinese

Porn Viewed By Young

That's very disturbing. It really makes me think about who might be on the other side of the webcam when I'm stripping.


Curtis Hoyt

Franken Leaves Air America

Al Franken will be leaving the radio network Air America on February 14. What do you think?


Leticia Veriglio

Franken Leaves Air America

I suppose I'll have to turn elsewhere for my biting liberal commentary. Does Tim Meadows have a talk radio show?


Todd Haber

Franken Leaves Air America

That's corporate radio for you. Always trying to keep the little millionaire down.


Pam Garber

Harvard's First Female President

Harvard University has selected its first female president. What do you think?

This is quite a sea change. One has to wonder whether this will lead to new policies, like admitting the smart poor, or the non-gentry idiots.


Kent Livermore

Harvard's First Female President

This only proves that to get the same opportunities as men, women have to work twice as hard and have twice as many fathers on the board of trustees.


Dabney Alterman

Harvard's First Female President

She's still white, though, right? Thank god.


Matt Sharma

ESP Lab Closing

A Princeton University lab studying extrasensory perception (ESP) is closing. What do you think?

Yes! The Duluth Tarot Institute is back on top!


Bradley Terwilliger

ESP Lab Closing

This does not bode well for Yale's Department of Goblin Studies or for Brown's Center for Skunk Ape and Yeti Research.


Nina Parks

ESP Lab Closing

This will come as a huge blow to the students who relied on this lab to provide insight to their futures as investment bankers, consultants, and Secretaries of Defense.


Wanda Kelley

FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

According to a recent report, 160 laptops have been lost or stolen from the FBI, as well as 160 weapons. What do you think?

The fact that the same exact number of guns and laptops are missing is exactly why the FBI should never have fitted their computers with holsters.


Rodrigo Gutierrez

FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

It must be humbling for the FBI to know they have worse security than a CompUSA.


Herman Bonello

FBI Loses Laptops And Guns

Man, I know all about that. I can't tell you how many times I've left my gun or laptop on the back of a toilet tank or in an ATM vestibule.


Werner Seidel

7,000 Iraqis U.S. Bound

The United States has agreed to admit 7,000 Iraqi refugees into the country. What do you think?

It should be a whole lot easier for our troops to kill them here.


Liz Armstrong

7,000 Iraqis U.S. Bound

Yeah, I mean, I guess we should save a couple Iraqis in order to repopulate the country once everybody there dies out or moves to Iran.


Bob Thomas

7,000 Iraqis U.S. Bound

I hope they have a way of checking that that they're actual Iraqis and not U.S. soldiers trying to sneak back here.


Jerome Harrison

FDA Approves Laser Comb

The HairMax Lasercomb, a comb that purportedly promotes hair growth, was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?

The company is called HairMax, so it's got to work. It doesn't make any sense that it'd be called HairMax if the comb didn't grow maximum hair.


Kelly Tyler

FDA Approves Laser Comb

My hair growth method still works better than anything out there. Every two weeks I get a blood transfusion from a Greek guy.


Matt Jackson

FDA Approves Laser Comb

Yet another problem solved by shooting people in the head with lasers.


Kendra Peters

XM, Sirius To Merge

XM Satellite Radio Holdings Inc. and Sirius Satellite Radio announced a plan to merge the two companies. What do you think?

Cool. I didn't think I was paying enough for my service before.


Krzysch

XM, Sirius To Merge

I'm just worried that Sirius' Top 40 station will be dropped in favor of XM's vastly inferior Top 40.


Josh Bernstein

XM, Sirius To Merge

Until there's a satellite channel dedicated to a lonely statistician in Tacoma talking about his figurine collection, I'm sticking with ham radio.


Dave Kyanka

Bush Likens Terror War To U.S. Independence

In a speech at Mount Vernon, President Bush likened the war on terror to the Revolutionary War. What do you think?

I'm confused. Are we the Americans or the British in that analogy?


Paul Boruff

He's just pandering to the crowd. In Atlantic City, he likened the war to keno.


Lenette Swanton

That's probably the least ridiculous, least globally detrimental comparison Bush has ever made.


Geraldine Simmons

202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism

Researchers have identified 202 industrial chemicals and compounds that may be linked to the rise in autism and ADHD. What do you think?

And here all this time I thought it was all the blow I did during my third trimester.


Hector Dayton

202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism

The evidence is weak. We should pour many more chemicals on children to see if they develop autism and ADHD before making any conclusions


Pete Alpert

202 Chemicals Linked To ADHD, Autism

If just one of those chemicals is responsible for making my Doritos nacho cheesier, I say we keep it in.


Arthur Locke

Prince Harry Going To Iraq

Prince Harry, the son of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, third in line to the throne of England, is being deployed to Iraq. What do you think?

Queen Elizabeth did well as a machine-gunner during World War II, so I wouldn't expect any less of her grandson.


Mary Sawyer

Prince Harry Going To Iraq

Man, Iraqi phone lines are going to be inundated with prank callers asking if they have Prince Harry in a tank.


Chuck Hurley

Prince Harry Going To Iraq

Great. Another kid with maternal-abandonment issues and a gun.


Mike Schneider

Teen-On-Homeless Violence Increases

A report issued by the National Coalition for the Homeless says there were more attacks against the homeless in 2006 than in the previous decade, many of them carried out by teenagers. What do you think?

The problem is that teens these days just don't have the will to sit around smoking pot and watching TV like we did.


Jeanne Treeger

Teen-On-Homeless Violence Increases

Every generation has their thing. My father had the war in Korea, we had the war in Vietnam, and my kid has the war on poverty.


Walter Hicks

Teen-On-Homeless Violence Increases

But studies also show that joining an angry mob is a great way for teens to avoid getting caught up in a gang.


Tina Fischer

Sharpton, Thurmond: Related?

The Rev. Al Sharpton wants his DNA tested agianst that of the late Senator Strom Thurmond to see if they are related. What do you think?

Finally people are listening to me. I've been saying how Sharpton has Thurmond's eyes for years now


Brian McDormand

Sharpton, Thurmond: Related?

Sharpton should be grateful. He never would've gotten where he is if he wasn't white.


David Kleist

Sharpton, Thurmond: Related?

I think it's pretty obvious that they're not related. Sharpton and Thurmond are two totally different last names.


Karl Fetterman

Cheney Nearly Bombed

At least nine people have died in a suicide bombing at a U.S. base in Afghanistan during Vice President Dick Cheney's stay. What do you think?

This was an utterly pointless assassination attempt. Everybody knows the only thing that can kill Cheney is another Cheney.


Larry Thomas

Cheney Nearly Bombed

That day was supposed to be a celebration. Couldn't the bomber have at least swallowed a couple of streamers?


Yvonne DeRogatis

Cheney Nearly Bombed

That's all? I expect at least nine people to die when Cheney walks into an Applebee's.


Robin Feil

Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones

A computer error fueled a panic at the already jittery New York Stock Exchange Tuesday, causing stocks to fall further. What do you think?

I was fooled by the glitch and tried to sell off my portfolio, but luckily I couldn't get my broker on the phone because he shot himself in the head. Whew!


Jordan Dixon

Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones

That's the last straw. I'm taking my money out of stocks right now and putting it toward a hot dog.


Jonathan Edgerton

Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones

If anyone could handle a stock-exchange computer glitch, it's those calm, composed Wall Street traders.


Stan Ostroff

Harry Potter Nude

Actor Daniel Radcliffe, best known for his role as Harry Potter in the same-titled film series is appearing in a London production of the play Equus, complete with a nude scene. What do you think?

Ah, teenagers. He's just going through that phase where you want the world to see your flaccid wiener.


Shawna Deutsch

Harry Potter Nude

What makes these people think there's a market for ex-child stars doing nude scenes?


Benjamin Mather

Harry Potter Nude

A play? Well that sucks. How am I supposed to download that?


Irv Mendlesohn

Walter Reed Head Fired

Army Secretary Francis J. Harvey has resigned after an investigation found systemic outpatient care deficiencies at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. What do you think?

Now that they've gotten rid of their scapegoat I'm sure that everything will start getting better.


Erin Braylor

Walter Reed Head Fired

Well, it's good to see a rebuilding effort happening in at least one place where the military is.


Terry Barnes

Walter Reed Head Fired

This whole support-the-troops mentality is really catching on among the top brass.


Maureen Pauls

Honeybees Dying Mysteriously

American honeybees are being wiped out in record numbers by a mysterious illness. What do you think?

Oh, no–I only have one five-pound jar of honey left! That won't last me more than 25, maybe 30 years!


Jesse Carver

Honeybees Dying Mysteriously

Fortunately, I've always used swarms of cockroaches to pollinate my rose blossoms, so I'm safe…for now.


Jerome Day

Honeybees Dying Mysteriously


Gavin Drexell

Venezuelans Flee to Florida

Wealthy Venezuelans are leaving their home country for Florida in order to escape the economic policies of President Hugo Chavez. What do you think?

If America is anything it's a land of opportunity for people who already have a shitload of money.


Marty Hoyt

Venezuelans Flee to Florida

I consider myself a pretty open-minded person, but I draw the line at having Latino immigrants in this country with more money than I have.


Carrie Zapruder

Venezuelans Flee to Florida

At least they'll be able to afford nice rafts.


Monica Chan

Captain America Killed

Captain America, the comic book character created during World War II as a patriotic opponent of the Nazis, was killed by sniper bullets in a recent comic. What do you think?

But who will avenge him? If only there were a group of 'avengers,' if you will, organized for that purpose.


Herbert Mandelbaum

Captain America Killed

Yet another intelligence failure by S.H.I.E.L.D.. How many more screwups must we endure before Bush fires Executive Director Nicholas Fury?


Diego Lopez

Captain America Killed

Oh, man! Why are all the really cool assassinations wasted on make-believe people?


Doug Thewlis

Caffeinated Donut Invented

Molecular biologist Robert Bohannon has created pastries with the caffeine equivalent of two cups of coffee. What do you think?

Wouldn't it be easier to just make coffee-soluble doughnuts?


Brittain Mosby

Caffeinated Donut Invented

That's fine for people who like to be alert and productive, but what about the rest of us?


Kevin March

Caffeinated Donut Invented

Will America embrace this new product? Only time will—oh, yes, it appears they will.


Tyler Jones

Daylight Saving Time Earlier

Daylight Saving Time went into effect this past weekend, three weeks earlier than usual. What do you think?

I guess that explains why I was seven and a half hours late for work on Monday.


Andie McLintock

Daylight Saving Time Earlier


Horace Taylor

Daylight Saving Time Earlier

The early date finally let me live out my fantasy of calling my mom to remind her before she had a chance to call me. Ha ha! Fuck you, Mom.


Lisa Ferraiolo

Call For Gonzales's Resignation

Following a recent disclosure that the FBI has abused its powers to spy on private citizens, some Democratic senators and a key Republican are calling for Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to resign. What do you think?

Maybe if private citizens would stop being so damned intriguing they wouldn't have any problem with the FBI.


Adam Conroy

Call For Gonzales's Resignation

I don't think we should be so quick to judge. Gonzales is a very exotic name, and having an exotically named attorney general, no matter how much he tries undermine the system he is supposed to uphold, helps us appear open-minded.


Richard Kilmartin

Call For Gonzales's Resignation

When is this top-level shake-up finally going to reveal that Postmaster General John E. Potter has been stealing my Netflix?


Joshua Felt

Starbucks Starts Music Label

Starbucks, the dominant retail coffee chain in the United States, has started its own label, Hear Music. What do you think?

Well, thank God. I love going to Starbucks, but I'm really sick of their coffee.


Jim Galluzzo

Starbucks Starts Music Label

It's a sad day when the music industry gets co-opted by giant, faceless corporations that are more interested in profits than music.


Melissa Van Vleit

Starbucks Starts Music Label

Could work. We all remember how Capitol Records started out as a 24-hour diner.


Karen Bowen

General Calls Homosexuality 'Immoral'

Marine Gen. Peter Pace, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the Chicago Tribune that he considered homosexuality "immoral."" What do you think?"

Eh—he said the same thing about peace talks and leaving civilian populations intact.


Wayne Coopey

General Calls Homosexuality 'Immoral'

He's just pandering. He told the Miami Herald that he thinks homosexuality is a rocking good time.


Peter Johnston

General Calls Homosexuality 'Immoral'

That's weird. Based on their outfits and tight, muscular chests, I assumed the armed forces were ALL gay.


Bayard Wilson

Chiquita Paid Colombian Terrorists

Chiquita Brands International, Inc. has agreed to plead guilty to charges that the company made payments to Colombian groups designated as terrorist organizations by the U.S. State Department. What do you think?

This is the worst crime bananas have ever been implicated in since the Beverly Hills Cop 'banana tailpipe' incident.


Shawna Deutsch

Chiquita Paid Colombian Terrorists

You know who really will feel the pinch once Chiquita pays the $25 million fine? Monkeys.


William Mulaney

Chiquita Paid Colombian Terrorists

How else is Chiquita supposed to protect their workers from the Del Monte death squads?


Leon Crawford

Online Porn Law Struck Down

Citing First Amendment concerns, Senior U.S. District Judge Lowell Reed Jr. struck down a law that made it illegal for adult-content providers to let children access sexual content. What do you think?


Cynthia Fielding

Online Porn Law Struck Down

If only there were some people around whose job it was to raise these children.


Gavin Meyer

Online Porn Law Struck Down

Now that it's settled the speech issue, perhaps the court can turn its attention to our promise of free ringtones.


Colleen Chung

Edwards Discourages Sympathy Vote

Presidential contender John Edwards said that he does not want people to support him just because his wife has cancer. What do you think?

Fine. I'll just take my sympathy vote elsewhere then!


Christopher Banner

Edwards Discourages Sympathy Vote

What a hero. To not exploit your wife's illness for political gain is really quite admirable.


Fred Plumber

Edwards Discourages Sympathy Vote

How dare this man try to dictate to me which trivial reasons I use to pick who I'll vote for?


Eugene Liu

Misbehavior Linked To Day Care

A recent study showed that children who attended day care for a year or longer were more likely to be disruptive in grade school. What do you think?

This just goes to show you that day-care centers don't do enough to break the spirits of today's children.


Edmond Franklin

Misbehavior Linked To Day Care

What am I paying $250 a month for? I'm going to start dropping him off at the public library again.


Donna Tortora

Misbehavior Linked To Day Care

What a relief that it's the day care and not my violent alcoholic rages that's causing my child to misbehave.


Priya Shenoy

Burger King Going Cageless

Burger King announced that it would begin buying pork and eggs from farms that do not cage or crate their animals. What do you think?

As a regular Burger King patron, I don't think I could make it any more clear that I don't give a flying fuck what I put into my body.


Derrick Braswell

Burger King Going Cageless

But the cages were what pushed all the flavor tight into the animals.


Pete DuMont

Burger King Going Cageless

Now all that's left for them to do is to stop buying from farms that feed their livestock Burger King.


Raymond DeShaw

U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

Citing studies that say that circumcision can cut the chances of contracting HIV by up to 60 percent, United Nations health agencies are urging heterosexual males to undergo the procedure. What do you think?

I don't like it. Governments should stick to telling women what to do with their bodies.


Lisa Ishikowa

U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

Let's hope that Africans are more adept at outpatient surgery than they are at handling condoms.


Robert Galloway

U.N. Urges Circumcision To Fight HIV

Unfortunately I have already been circumcised. Is there any benefit in cutting off even more of my penis?


Ernie Sanchez

Hillary Raises $26 M

Hillary Clinton raised $26 million for the first quarter of 2007, in addition to the $10 million left over from her Senate run. What do you think?

Now all she needs is some name recognition.


Pat Simmons

Hillary Raises $26 M

Campaigns are so costly now. Why, Hoover became president with only a $5 bribe to the guy who announced the election results.


Christian Wells

Hillary Raises $26 M

That's what she thinks. Just wait till she tries to take my check for $25 million to the bank!


Linda Steckler

Naked Chocolate Jesus Nixed

A Manhattan art gallery scrapped its plans to exhibit a naked chocolate Jesus in the week preceding Easter, causing the gallery's artistic director to resign. What do you think?

If I had that sculpture, I would trade it in a heartbeat for thirty chocolate coins.


Denny Johnson

Naked Chocolate Jesus Nixed

At least the museum administrators can make good on the stipulation in his contract that guarantees him a Jesus made of chocolate if he ever resigns.


Marcus Gimino

Naked Chocolate Jesus Nixed

If not for Easter, then when? Christmas hardly seems appropriate.


Xavier Jones

Argentina Reclaiming Falklands

Argentina is reasserting its claim to the Falkland Islands from England. What do you think?

I'd say settle it with a soccer match, but it would only result in more deaths.


Taylor Williams

Argentina Reclaiming Falklands

I agree. England has hoarded that vast supply of delicious penguin eggs for far too long.


Lois Fleisch

Argentina Reclaiming Falklands

Was this in Evita? Because if it wasn't covered in Evita, I probably don't know what it's about.


Shelly Fontana

Iran Releases British Sailors

Iran released 15 sailors it had held captive for nearly two weeks, claiming they had entered Iranian waters. What do you think?

Maritime borders are very difficult to determine. I find myself accidentally drifting into the waters of my neighbor's bathtub all the time.


Bert Sutherland

Iran Releases British Sailors

Considering the way things are going in the Middle East, I'm going to go ahead and call this an American victory.


Zack Skinner

Iran Releases British Sailors

Oh, that's just fantastic. Now who the hell is going to buy my preemptively crafted 2007 hostage tragedy memorabilia?


Howie Platt

Circuit City Cuts 3,400 "Overpaid"" Workers"

Electronics retailer Circuit City recently fired over 3,400 workers, stating that they were going to replace them with new hires willing to work for less. What do you think?

Don't blame me. I didn't vote for the current mayor of Circuit City.


Sandra Pinto

I have nothing but sympathy for the workers, since I myself was fired for being overpaid by the cash register while no one was looking.


Bruce Lovell

This is awful. The next time I'm in the market for new electronics equipment, I'll be sure to take my business elsewhere—or whichever store has the best price.


Teddy Stivenson

Girls Gone Wild Creator Ordered To Jail

Joe Francis, the man who created the Girls Gone Wild home-video franchise, has been ordered to jail for failing to appear in court for a hearing. What do you think?

It's shocking to see this type of behavior from one of our nation's most respected pornographers.


Holly McGibbons

Girls Gone Wild Creator Ordered To Jail

They can imprison the man, but not his spirit.


Derek Tobias

Girls Gone Wild Creator Ordered To Jail

What would it take to get the creator of Desperate Housewives jailed? I hate that show.


Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks

After radio host Don Imus referred to the Rutgers University women's basketball team as "nappy-headed hos"" on his radio show

CBS suspended him for two weeks. What do you think?"

Cut Imus some slack. The man is under immense pressure to be an asshole every single morning.


Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks

How will Howard Stern, Rush Limbaugh, Lars Larson, Michael Medved, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Hugh Hewitt, Mark Levin, Mike Gallagher, and Neal Boortz possibly fill the blowhard-talk-show void?


Imus Suspended For 2 Weeks

That's a shame. I guess I'll just listen to smooth jazz for the next two weeks.


Raymond Shand

China Bans Human Organ Trafficking

Amid allegations that they are harvesting the organs of executed prisoners, China is banning the sale of human organs starting May 1. What do you think?

So long as my new pancreas is already in the mail, this doesn't affect me in the least.


Christopher Lincoln

China Bans Human Organ Trafficking

This ban shows a shocking disregard for those of us who, having laid waste to our own bodies, wish to construct an entirely new one.


Jessica Baillor

China Bans Human Organ Trafficking

Tell that to the thousands of people who already became murderers after receiving a killer's organ.


Lee Marlowe

Kurt Vonnegut Dead

Kurt Vonnegut, author of The Sirens of Titan and Slaughterhouse-Five, died late Wednesday evening of head injuries sustained in a fall earlier this year. What do you think?

Who's going to be the next century's voice of confusion and dread? Nancy Grace can't last forever.


Lacey Janson

Kurt Vonnegut Dead

Are we totally, absolutely sure he's not alive? I just think it'd be silly to accept his death without checking Dresden for his younger self first.


Arthur Quigle

Kurt Vonnegut Dead


Felicia Keir

Taxpayer Information At Risk

A recent government report concluded that the IRS has not adequately protected the data on 52,000 IRS laptops. What do you think?

What about the desktops? Shouldn't we be worrying about those too? Never underestimate the brute strength of an identity thief.


Gregory Teedle

Taxpayer Information At Risk

To be fair, the IRS has a lot of other stuff to worry about, like adequately protecting the data on their thousands of laptops.


Arnold Velmeir

Taxpayer Information At Risk

This shall be the new reason why I don't pay taxes. To hell with 'no income' and 'laziness.'


Shannon Goodweiller

al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government

Radical Shiite cleric and militia leader Moqtada al-Sadr announced that he is withdrawing six of his ministers from the Iraqi cabinet. What do you think?

Oh, man, you should never quit a government job. Now they're all going to have to pay for their own insurance.


Julie Dobbs

al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government

Eliminating Iraq's Violent Insurgence branch is going to totally throw off Iraq's complex system of checks and balances.


Chip Cramden

al-Sadr Leaves Iraqi Government

Yikes. Things might just be quickly falling apart in Iraq.


Shawn Ducharme

Richard Gere Angers India

Protesters in India burned Richard Gere's image in effigy after the actor repeatedly kissed a Bollywood actress at an AIDS awareness rally. What do you think?

Get in line, India. America still has a score to settle with Gere for Shall We Dance.


Caesar Polito

Richard Gere Angers India

Oh, leave him alone. He just got worked up after that 45-minute song-and-dance routine about a magic kettle.


Stuart Dobbs

Richard Gere Angers India

The situation didn't get really out of hand until he dry-humped Kashmir.


George Tartuffe

FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food

Despite routinely being rejected as unfit for human consumption, only 1.3 percent of imported fish, vegetables, fruit, and other foods are inspected by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?

What will the government do with all the food unfit for humans? 'Cause I'll totally eat it if they're just gonna toss it away.


Johann Puntigam

FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food

Please tell me this doesn't include those Guacamole Doritos.


Paul Ludlow

FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food

Can you blame them? I see the words 'Product of Ukraine' on a foodstuff and all my inhibitions melt away.


Theresa Bennell

'Partial-Birth Abortion' Ban Upheld

The Supreme Court upheld a 2003 Congressional ban on intact dilation and evacuation of a fetus. What do you think?

But what if you don't find out till late in the pregnancy that your fetus is doomed to be a total nerd?


Keith Milan

'Partial-Birth Abortion' Ban Upheld

Partial-birth abortion is a horrific practice second only to the grotesque act of sexual intercourse.


Ivan Sarkisian

'Partial-Birth Abortion' Ban Upheld

This ban just ruins the whole abortion experience for me.


Lyndon Fitzpatrick

Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive

A study of people taking antipsychotic drugs for treatment of schizophrenia shows reveals that diminished sexual function is an unwanted side effect. What do you think?

Where can I get some of those drugs? I'm sick of sex.


Molly Prescott

Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive

My God. That means virtually everyone on Craigslist is off their meds.


Ty Jackson

Antipsychotics Reduce Sex Drive

That's it, no more medication for me. I sure hope I get laid a lot in the lucid moments from my nightmarish paranoid delusions and horrifying hallucinations.


Justin Morris

No Baghdad Wall

The Iraqi prime minister has ordered the U.S. military to stop construction of a wall separating Shia and Sunni neighborhoods in Baghdad. What do you think?

Can't they build it and then tear it down as a tangible metaphor?


Justine Schimer

No Baghdad Wall

A wall can't solve Iraq's security problems. Only diplomacy or the complete annihilation of one of the sects can.


Vincent Gorey-Obs

No Baghdad Wall

Honestly, there's just no pleasing these people.


Francis Cooke

Boris Yeltsin Dead

Boris Yeltsin, the first democratically elected president in Russia after the fall of the Communist regime, died early Monday. What do you think?

History will forever remember him as the man who helped bring Russia from one form of extreme corruption to another.


Mitch Lomax

Boris Yeltsin Dead

Yeltsin will be fondly recalled as a man who was alive when some historically significant things happened.


Jon Pemborrough

Boris Yeltsin Dead

Dasveedanya, tavareech…uh…man, my Russian has really gone down the crapper since I stopped spying on them.


Jarred Georgeson

Oregon Governor On Food Stamps

Gov. Ted Kulongoski of Oregon is living on a budget of a week's worth of food stamps for the state's Hunger Awareness Week. What do you think?

Hopefully someone tipped him off to that deli in Portland that will totally let you use them to buy forties and scratch-offs.


Darren Butler

Oregon Governor On Food Stamps

Sounds wonderful! According to my pioneering guide, there is more than enough food in Oregon for the worthy adventurer, from plentiful beavers to succulent ducks!


Kristen Stewart

Oregon Governor On Food Stamps

I'd hate to be an Oregonian when it's Transvestite Awareness Week.


Betty Lawton

Pentacle Allowed On Veterans' Tombstones

The Department of Veteran Affairs will allow Wiccan symbols to appear on gravestones of veterans who practiced the faith. What do you think?

As long as they don't allow Stevie Nicks to sing at the funeral, I'm fine with it.


Werner Hansen

Back up just a second: The Wiccans have guns?


Keith Rivers

Rosie Leaving The View

Rosie O'Donnell announced that she is leaving The View. What do you think?


Lydia Goplen

Rosie Leaving The View

So now it's only one loudmouthed comedienne with a grating New York accent? That redundancy was built in to make sure the audience wasn't robbed of a single intuitive ribald observation!


Brandon Faischca

Rosie Leaving The View

Well, there goes that last line of defense in warding off the unstoppable morning-show lesbian juggernaut that is Ellen DeGeneres.


Xander Griffey

Abstinence Education Doesn't Work

A government report ordered by Congress shows that abstinence-only education is ineffective. What do you think?

I find it astonishing that our public schools were unable to beat out the most basic human instinct that perpetuates our species.


Penelope Schaal

Abstinence Education Doesn't Work

That's it. From now on my kids will learn about sex the way I did–from a grabby uncle.


Kurt Dobler

Abstinence Education Doesn't Work

To give the course some credit, it is by far the easiest to teach.


Katie Steinberg

Bush Rejects Iraq Funding Bill

On Tuesday, President Bush vetoed a congressional bill authorizing financing for the war in Iraq contingent on a timetable for troop withdrawal. What do you think?


Owen Calder

Bush Rejects Iraq Funding Bill

Joke's on him. One of the pork items in the bill was $45 million for an awesome party on Bush's birthday.


Ian Stipley

Bush Rejects Iraq Funding Bill

I had him all wrong. I applaud him for refusing to fund this ill-conceived, mismanaged war.


Randy Kirkland

Earth-like Planet Discovered

Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting a red dwarf star 20 light-years away. What do you think?

If it's Earth-like, then it's probably near destruction and of no use to us.


Eirc Steinway

Earth-like Planet Discovered

How Earth-like? 'Temperate and able to sustain life' Earth-like or 'completely overrun with self-absorbed assholes' Earth-like?


Melody Thorsen

Earth-like Planet Discovered

Did scientists find any tall, single men on that Earth? I've pretty much exhausted my possibilities here.


Lacey Rasmussen

Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity

The death of the Wal-Mart founder's widow, Helen Walton, is slated to become a $16.4 billion windfall for The Walton Family Foundation, a charitable organization that backs public education reform. What do you think?

Helen Walton leaving her fortune to the Walton Family Foundation? This stinks of nepotism.


Brendan Flaherty

Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity

This mom-and-pop public education operation has been around long enough.


Larry Keenan

Wal-Mart Fortune Left To Charity

On the one hand, I don't care for Wal-Mart. On the other hand, I don't care for public education. So this rich dead lady is really starting to piss me off.


Chris Campbell

Florida Crocs Make Nuclear Comeback

American crocodiles are making a comeback in Florida, thanks in large part to the protected canals surrounding the Turkey Point nuclear power plant. What do you think?

The crocodiles serve an important function in the ecosystem by keeping nuclear-protester numbers manageable.


Gillian Lefferts

Florida Crocs Make Nuclear Comeback

Is this one of those 'oh good, a revival of an endangered species' or 'oh no, our ecosystem will never recover' moments?


Darnel Jackson

Florida Crocs Make Nuclear Comeback

Hmm…crocodiles…nuclear power plants…Turkey Point…why am I still sitting here? South Florida, sir—and step on it!


David Bachman

Postal Rates Increase

The price of a stamp went up to 41 cents yesterday. What do you think?

Damn it, what did they do with the 68 cents I gave them for postage last year?


Carla Weisser

Postal Rates Increase

I'll just have to be that much more selective this year about who receives my annual Christmas newsletter.


Alec Pufall

Postal Rates Increase

Between the postage increase and the high price of whale oil, it's getting harder and harder to live in the year 1893.


Cathy Breger

Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead

Moral Majority founder Jerry Falwell died yesterday after being found unconscious in his office. What do you think?

It'll be interesting to see how Jerry Falwell is able to blame the ACLU for this.


Ron Boyd

Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead

Does this mean my Liberty University online class is cancelled today?


Carl Furman

Televangelist Jerry Falwell Dead

He was committed to preaching God's Word and for that he's earned his reward in heaven…unless, of course, he was completely wrong about everything.


Adam Cohn

Rated R For Smoking

The Motion Picture Association of America has announced that smoking will now be a consideration when determining a film's rating. What do you think?

It's about time Hollywood clamped down on the pervasive influence Ernie Kovacs and George Burns have on kids.


Daniel Drysdale

Rated R For Smoking

Then how else are lazy aspiring filmmakers supposed to learn how to establish character?


Caroline Pearson

Rated R For Smoking

Guess I better start scheduling reshoots for Herbie Goes To Winston-Salem.


Diane Pallone

Romney: 'Double Guantanamo'

In a Republican presidential debate on Tuesday, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney said he would support doubling the detention facilities in Guantánamo. What do you think?

Oh good. My Uncle Tim just wrote to me from Guantánamo, and said he would really enjoy having a falsely accused cell mate.


Kansas Jennings

Romney: 'Double Guantanamo'

Wait, Mitt Romney? The flip-flopping Mormon whose favorite novel is Battlefield Earth? I thought he was a fictional character.


Brian Cohen

Romney: 'Double Guantanamo'

This one-upmanship has got to stop. I don't think I can watch Rudy Giuliani waterboard a detainee during a debate.


Emil Brun

Couric's Ratings Woes

Eight months after Katie Couric took over as anchor, The CBS Evening News is a distant third in the nightly news ratings, and last week recorded its lowest audience in 20 years. What do you think?

This is why you should never hire a woman, or anyone even remotely sane, to do Dan Rather's job.


Mila Kreszpy

Couric's Ratings Woes

How can she compete against cable news? They get to use the C-word.


Matt Gander

Couric's Ratings Woes

I warned her. I said 'It's not like Today, Katie. You've got to know how to read,' but she wouldn't listen.


Ty Burton

Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy

In an interview with the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, former President Jimmy Carter referred to the Bush administration's foreign policy as the "worst in history."" What do you think?"

International relations? I have said this before about Carter, and I will say it again: nerd.


Melanie Wilson

Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy

Carter can talk human rights and compassion all he wants, but we all saw how he mistreated that poor defenseless bunny when it tried to get into his fishing boat.


Loren Dahlberg

Carter Blasts Bush's Foreign Policy

At least he wisely skirted the domestic policy comparison.


Wendy Halpern

Trump Quits The Apprentice

Donald Trump, host of the low-rated NBC television series The Apprentice, says he quit abruptly before the network could bump him from the schedule. What do you think?

I can't knock a guy as successful as he is. The man single-handedly built an empire on nothing but a huge inheritance from his father.


Remmick Seavey

Trump Quits The Apprentice

Does this mean 'you're fired' can become public domain again? I haven't able to let go of any of my employees for almost three years.


Todd Palmer

Trump Quits The Apprentice

What? Quick, cancel my subscription to Trump Magazine and my order of Trump Steaks! Pull my kids out of Trump University! Dump out my bottle of Donald Trump: The Fragrance! Sell, sell, sell! Sell, sell, sell!


Chris Jawoerk

Period Suppression Pill OK'd

The FDA approved Lybrel, a birth control pill that stops the monthly menstrual cycle altogether. What do you think?

This is unfair—when will they come up with a pill that keeps my genitals from bleeding.


Alex Lau

Period Suppression Pill OK'd

This could potentially ruin daytime television's entire sponsorship model.


Baly Sniderman

Period Suppression Pill OK'd

I've already figured out a way to stop the menstrual cycle altogether: 14 consecutive pregnancies.


Sara Frawley

Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa?

An internal memo from from a Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton campaign staffer urged her not to run in the Iowa caucus, stating that she would probably lose. What do you think?

If Clinton isn't willing to spend tons of time pretending to give a shit about Iowa, it just shows she's not ready to be president.


Neil Callahan

Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa?

Smart move. She needs to spend that time more judiciously continuing to reach out to her entrenched support base.


Orin Marshall

Clinton Dropping Out Of Iowa?

Why not just announce to all of America that you don't care about flipping pancakes?


Milt Stuckey

Memorial Day Celebrations

Today is Memorial Day. How will you be celebrating it?

I'm hoping that this year, remembrance of our fallen veterans will beat out Pirates Of The Caribbean among 8-to-15-year-olds, domestically.


Michelle Voden

Memorial Day Celebrations

I'm not going to cheat on my husband, who's stationed in Afghanistan. Hi, honey! I love you!


Clyde Pellham

Memorial Day Celebrations

Oh, I don't know. Probably in the ER, saving lives, rebuilding crushed spines, removing bullets from hearts. Because that's how I spend every day–and emergencies don't observe holidays.


Lee Pryor

Shark Gives Virgin Birth

A captive hammerhead shark recently gave birth to a pup without the presence of a male. What do you think?


Nelly Perrin

Shark Gives Virgin Birth

I am left in awe at the wonders of nature. No wait, not awe. Abject terror. Yes, that's it, abject terror.


José Manteca

Shark Gives Virgin Birth

Maureen Dowd will be relieved: It turns out men aren't necessary. If you are a hammerhead shark, that is.


Meg Stainer

Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks

The United States and Iran held their first formal talks in 27 years in order to discuss the security of Iraq. What do you think?

Sky-high gas prices, meeting with Iran, Jimmy Carter in the news, it feels great to be 9 years old again.


Nate Williams

Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks

If we can neutralize the Iranian influence in the region, our only obstacle to peace will be 99 other influences. Progress!


Patton Konopka

Iran, U.S. Hold Bilateral Talks

Hopefully this will result in some sort of pan-continental mega-theocracy where the religious zealotry of our respective leaders can dictate every aspect of our lives.


Curtis Lamay

Venezuelans Protest TV-Station Closure

Venezuelan protesters took to the streets of Caracas after the Chavez government closed the popular-but-Chavez-critical television station Radio Caracas Television. What do you think?

It's heartening to see people take to the streets over something they're so passionate about, like television.


Bernard Cosloy

Venezuelans Protest TV-Station Closure

Can you blame them? Now they'll never know if Ramon is the father.


Kelly Freeman

Venezuelans Protest TV-Station Closure

Who cares about free speech? This is the first time I've used it in probably 12 years.


Carol Blakely

Sheehan Quits Peace Movement

Cindy Sheehan, who lost her son in Iraq, is leaving peace activism, citing disillusionment with the Democrats and an antiwar movement that "often puts personal egos above human life."" What do you think?"

Good. Peace doesn't have any room for quitters.


Don Wilkins

Sheehan Quits Peace Movement

This is a huge blow to the antiwar movement. Where are they supposed to find another mother mourning the death of her child?


Ralph Ward

Sheehan Quits Peace Movement

That's too bad. I had a feeling she was just weeks away from achieving her goal.


Paul Keegan

Airline Passenger Has TB

An Atlanta lawyer recently flew two transatlantic flights after being diagnosed with a rare and dangerous strain of tuberculosis. What do you think?

On top of that he was apparently incredibly chatty and hogged the armrests during the entire flight.


Valerie Duncan

Airline Passenger Has TB

All the amazing tourist destinations right here on our own soil just weren't good enough, huh? Well, you won't see me coming down with the plague after visiting Hershey Park, that's for sure.


Max Boyd

Airline Passenger Has TB

I was one step from taking that flight myself. Thank God for racial profiling.


Allen Hand

Creation Museum Grand Opening

The Creation Museum, which holds that the Bible is the supreme authority, opened last week in Kentucky. What do you think?

It's going to face some tough competition when the nearby Flat Earth and Gravity Schmavity Museums opens up.


LJ Ruch

Creation Museum Grand Opening

As someone who only likes exhibits that agree with me, it's nice to have an option besides the Coca-Cola Museum.


Apryl Lindhurst

Creation Museum Grand Opening

Opening? Heresy! The Creation Museum has existed since the beginning of time!


Livia Hawkins

The 49 States Of America?

A secession movement has been gaining traction in the state of Vermont. What do you think?

I have to say, the thought of having a foreign country so close to American soil makes me very, very nervous.


Kurt Isaacs

The 49 States Of America?

There's only one way to stop this seditious maneuver, and that's for Subaru to refuse to sell Vermonters any more station wagons.


Walt Boelter

The 49 States Of America?

Hey Vermont, remember what happened the last time someone seceded? The army marched through their states and burned everything to the ground. And the South wasn't high all the time.


Anton Madden

Scooter Libby Sentenced For Lying

I. Lewis "Scooter"" Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison for obstructing the Valerie Plame CIA leak investigation. What do you think?"

After faithfully serving the vice president, the least Cheney could do is ugly up Libby's face before his first day of prison.


Kerry De La Valle

Scooter Libby Sentenced For Lying

That's too bad, but at least the Aryan Nations is going to get a top-notch strategist.


Jennie Warring

Scooter Libby Sentenced For Lying

That punishment is way too lenient. He should be barred from obstructing future investigations for at least the next three years.


Patty Blonsky

Rep. Jefferson Under Investigation

The House has ordered a speedy ethics probe into the dealings of Rep. William J. Jefferson (D-LA) that could oust him before he goes to trial on charges of federal corruption. What do you think?


Brian Skurnick

Rep. Jefferson Under Investigation

But they can't expel him now—according to his expense account, he's still airlifting survivors out of New Orleans.


Bruce Sporn

Rep. Jefferson Under Investigation

This is good. I was beginning to fear that the new Congress was setting an impossible standard of personal conduct as of late. I'm going to the store and stealing some grapes now.


Brad Emery

Bird Flu Vaccine Approved

The first vaccine for avian flu was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?

Just as the HPV vaccine only encourages sexual intercourse, this vaccine will foster and normalize interaction with birds.


Debbie Hirsch

Bird Flu Vaccine Approved

Thank God, because I've just been tearing through the beef jerky and bottled water in my personal pandemic stockpile.


John Weiss

Bird Flu Vaccine Approved

I thought bird flu was last year. Did that never happen? I am pretty sure it already happened.


Larry Higgins

Lieberman Advocates Attack On Iran

Sen. Joe Lieberman told Face The Nation the U.S. should bomb Iran because they continue to aid anti-American forces in Iraq. What do you think?

Wow, my uneducated 12-year-old son said the same thing!


Wendy Scanlon

Lieberman Advocates Attack On Iran

Lieberman should stop going on that show. Bob Schieffer must antagonize the hell out of him during commercial breaks, and that leads to dumbshit comments like this.


Charles Garvey

Lieberman Advocates Attack On Iran

If I didn't know that was solid foreign policy, I'd swear it was incoherent mumbling!


Gretchen Eiger

Tonight Show Features Live Ad

Tuesday's broadcast of The Tonight Show included a live commercial, its first since 1995. What do you think?

It's amazing how TiVo has revolutionized the way we avoid watching commercials. Can you believe I actually used to go to the bathroom?


Alex DuBrow

Tonight Show Features Live Ad

That certainly is an innovative new approach to advertising in the TiVo era, but even more amazing than that is Pepcid AC. Did you know that you can take Pepcid AC up to an hour before you eat to prevent heartburn?


Bruce Luxembourg

Tonight Show Features Live Ad